Meditatio

when you sit down to meditate: ask yourself what you are
expecting from doing it. where do you expect to arrive at.
what psychological state are you in fact chasing. what are
you actually after?
for me: it’s basically a sense of feeling OK. a sense of being
right there where I belong. a sense of being grounded in the
given moment and place. among the people who matter to
me and the people to whom I matter. where I feel satisfied
with where and what and how I am. where everything’s in
its place. and I feel integral to a growing whole.
or a sense of having a clear conscience. a sense of being
responsible for myself and for my life. that I am not a
burden on anyone. that my presence is not an imposition.
on the contrary: that my presence adds something of value
to the people and the world around me. that indeed I am
conducive to the well-being of the world around me. that
my contribution matters. that my talents are relevant. yes.
I expect to be relieved of the pressure of feeling guilty for
who I am. I expect to be guilt- and shame-free. I expect to
feel that my existence is of use and of value and that I am a
PLUS rather than a MINUS (i.e. a useless hunk of mushy
flesh—a waste of precious resources). that’s basically what I
expect to feel. . . and then I allow myself the feeling.