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The Northwood Howler February 12, 2021 17Storming the Capitol dubbed America’s Bastille DayBy Rahul KhannaStaff WriterIn response to the overwhelmingsupport nationwide, the Biden administrationannounced on Saturdaythat the storming of the U.S. Capitolwill be made an annual tradition tocelebrate America’s peaceful transitionof power.The new event, dubbed the ConstitutionalCapitol Charging Competition(CCCC), will be repeated everyJan. 6 as a reminder of America’s supremewill of the people, in homageto the recent riots in the Capitol.“Seeing the masses of riotersA recent study conducted by acouple of Yale psychology professorsfound that giving gifts is directly correlatedto an unhappier life and lossof relationships.The professors, Lanely Pearsonand Brekan Hart, were motivated tostudy the gift-giving phenomenonafter being dumped following a giftexchange last year.“It must be made clear that oursaltiness about our breakups didnot affect this study in any mannerwhatsoever,” Hart said. “We simplyrealized that WE couldn’t be at faultfor our relationships ending, so wedecided to investigate other possiblecauses. We hypothesized thatgift-giving was the likely culprit.”The experiment began by testingreactions to receiving food as a gift;However, many participants were unableto properly convey themselvesafter being given the food, with mostwords coming out muffled from thechewing. Barbeque pringles provedto be especially difficult to analyze.Puzzled, the researchers decided toexperiment with other gifts.Candidates were given bouquetsof daisies, but these triggereda violent immune response causinguncontrollable coughing, sneezingand quick onset of fever. Afterwards,toys were used as gifts, but the allureof the Hot Wheels caused fightingamongst kindergarteners that destroyedthe lab. Clothing items wereused as gifts, but the seventh instanceof regifting by the candidates led tomany tear-stained research papers,the idea was scrapped.“Our results were groundbreakingon their own, but we wanted topush even further,” Pearson said.“Moving on to larger-scale humantesting was the logical next step, andthe results were fascinating.”Pearson and Hart tested variousbreaking into one of the cornerstonesof America’s democracy and ravagingthe place brought tears to myeyes,” President Demo Crazy said.“The level of devotion these peoplehave to our great government… Ittruly makes me proud to call myselfan American.”Participants will begin outsidethe Capitol steps and will simultaneouslycharge inside and loot all valuableswhile burning anything else insight. They are to collect pricelesshistorical artifacts such as the portraitof George Washington from theWashington presidency, the statue ofAbraham Lincoln from the LincolnNo gift, no problemBy Diego MorenoStaff Writergroups to see if personal preferencehad an impact on how people wouldreact to gifts. Attempts were madeto go to parks and give kids candy,however that ended in disaster whenthe parents of the kids chased themoff. They then offered people cats anddogs as presents but recipients constantlybroke out in hives and startedto become ill. The final test was thempassing out boxes of iPhones only tofind out the boxes didn’t have phonesat all, only chargers.“It was baffling,” Pearson said.“It seemed like every gift we triedonly made the people angry, sick orjust confused, but we will see if somezoo tickets for PETA will work.”After carefully analyzing theirfindings, the researchers recommendto avoid giving gifts at all times. Theyclaim that the feelings of doubt andstress that gifts create are bound tocause any relationship to deteriorate.Furthermore, the researchers have advisedthe public to not get involved inany romantic relationships, and evenbetter, not to bother with talking toother humans at all.There was, however, a notableoutlier in the reaction to receivinggifts. When people didn’t want a gift,there was shockingly no stress responseat all.“It seemed like some peoplewere just happy to receive a gift inthe first place,” Hart said. “Which iscrazy, because how can you have arelationship without bribing the personwith lavish gifts?”The findings have set off anew trend called “invisible gifting.”With this new gifting method, thosein relationships show their affectionthrough actions like huggingor spending time with one another.Although this may seem radical tomany, the method has shown substantialsuccess. However, due to theunfamiliarity of the concept with theresearchers, they do not recommendengaging in such activities.Shambolic ShenanigansRACHEL GUNAWAN The Northwood Howlerpresidency and the old Diet Cokesfrom the Trump presidency.The person who reaches theSenate podium first with the mostamount of stolen objects and collateraldamage as determined by the SupremeCourt justices will be declaredthe winner, and will receive five presidentialpardons that can be redeemedon weekdays and alternate weekends.“In terms of regulations, thiscompetition will be ‘anything goes,’’’National Guard Chief Sivil Wor said.“Just as long as you show your loveof democracy. Tear gas? Only if youspray it while singing the NationalAnthem. Bulldozing your way in thePhil the Groundhog arrested as criminal lordBy Rahul KhannaStaff WriterPhil the groundhog, famous forhis annual appearances in Pennsylvaniato predict the end of winter inearly February, was arrested earlyFriday morning for allegedly leadinga large criminal ring that intendedto seize power from weather hostsacross the country.Phil, along with other groundhogs,had reportedly been blackmailingweather hosts into doing theirbidding for the last several decades.Declassified documents recoveredfrom Phil’s burrow reveal that he kidnappedhosts and tortured them withpictures of the real weather outside.“His ultimate goal, of course,was to gain command over all theweather networks so that he couldcontrol the mindless masses of peoplethat trust them,” investigator PryvateAye said. “He was exposed tothat power when he first predicted theweather successfully in Pennsylvaniaback in 1887; He tasted the vanilla,but he wanted the whole scoop.”A statement released by the OfficialOrganization of WeatherMen(OOW) indicated that only a fewweather hosts were abducted by Phil,and that the public should continue tofaithfully trust their networks.OOW declined requests for aprivate interview, citing “fears fortheir lives.”Pennsylvania resident LuvweTherhosts is being lauded for exposingthe criminal organization after noticingthat one of her regular weatherhosts was acting suspiciously.“Ah, yes, I remember that day,”Therhosts said. “It was Nev Verright,the man who made a career outof pointing at a clipart image of thesun all day. I distinctly recall himforecasting sunny skies, so naturallyI wore my sunscreen and a halfsleevedshirt. Lo and behold, it startedraining! Nev Verright would neverCapitol to maximize damage? Colorthe bulldozer red, white and blue, andit’s smooth dozing.”Many people have developedcreative tactics to more effectivelystorm the Capitol while showing loveto their country. One man in particular,Uncle “QUannon” Sam, is planningto attach copies of the U.S. Constitutionto his feet to run faster withthe blessings of the founding fathers.“Calvin Coolidge once said, ‘Tolive under the American Constitutionis the greatest political privilegethat was ever accorded to the humanrace,’” Sam said. “Once I saw thewords ‘Constitution’ and ‘race’, Iknew what I had to do”.Those who wish to participatein the annual storming must undertakean extensive application process,and admissions are predicted to beextremely competitive. Successfulapplicants will typically have experienced5-10 years of incarceration,a steady devotion to communityharassment and stellar letters of recommendationfrom the FBI. Thosewho wish to apply must talk to a localrepresentative of the “AshamedBoys” party, now stationed throughoutAmerica.In addition to the competition,plans are in the works to declare Jan.6 as a national holiday so that allAmericans can appreciate the spiritof democracy. Although no officialname has been decided upon, proposednames include “The Real BastilleDay,’’ “W-Day” and “The AmericanOlympics”, among others.Preceding the competition, amarch will take place beginning atthe White House and ending on thebe wrong, so I instantly suspectedfoul play.”Many people feel betrayed byPhil’s actions, but are simultaneouslyworried about the ramifications ofnot having someone to forecast theweather for the remainder of winter.With over 75% of the world’s populationrelying on Phil the groundhogto know when winter ends, the lackof a prediction may lead to a crash inthe economy, disruptions in harvestcycles and an outbreak of Civil Warsas groundhogs around the world fightto fill the power vacuum left by Phil.“It’s not going to be pretty, Ican tell you that much,” groundhogexpert Evilan Imals said. “The fightfor control of the weather networks isa particularly nasty one. Be preparedfor chaos in the coming weeks.”The shocking nature of the arresthas dented public faith in the tra-Capitol steps. Organizers are callingthis march “The Real March onWashington,” and plan to sing classicAmerican folk songs such as “TheStar-Stricken Senators,” “YankeeDoodle went to the Capitol” and“This Capitol is your Land.”A group of radical revolutionariesnamed “Stop the Race” havebeen pushing back against the competitionon Twitter, claiming that suchan event would be directly contradictoryto America’s values. Instead,“Stop the Steal” have proposed ademonstration of peace to symbolizethe power of Democracy, in whichmembers from opposing political partiesget together and calmly discusstheir viewpoints.“I am a firm believer that Americacan be better than this,” leaderof “Stop the Race” Ima Jinery said.“We have the ability to come togetheras Americans, discuss what issuesplague our nation and resolve ourdifferences without violence for thegood of the people.”“Stop the Race” was immediatelyplaced on the FBI watch list forsedition and treason.Preparations are already beingmade for the first round of the historiccompetition, set to be held on Jan.6, 2022, in Washington D.C. Somehave voiced concerns about securityin the competition, and to emulate theoriginal riot as accurately as possible,it was confirmed that police will notbe present.“What we expect is a largegroup of predominantly white men,”FBI Director Knot Reigh-Cyst said.“As such, I see no possible threat toour country.”RICHELLE GUNAWAN The Northwood Howlerdition. Many across the country haveunprecedentedly begun to expressdoubts about the trustworthiness ofthe groundhogs.“Maybe relying on a cluelessanimal that lives underground isn’tthe greatest idea after all,” Pennsylvaniaresident Iymcloo Less said.“Now that I think of it, how are theysupposed to know what the weather’sgoing to be like?”Plans are now taking shape tocommemorate the noble work ofweather hosts by dedicating a dayof appreciation in their honor. Somehave even suggested replacing thegroundhogs on Feb 2. with weatherhosts entirely.“I believe this is an importantstep in rebuilding public trust in theholiday,” Less said. “I am certain thequality of the predictions will not beimpacted whatsoever.”
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