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PAGE 22—SUNDAY VANGUARD, FEBRUARY 14, 2021<br />

In-depth research now proves size matters!<br />

One would have<br />

thought these<br />

busy-body<br />

scientists would have<br />

more beneficial things to<br />

do than delving into the<br />

anatomy <strong>of</strong> men. One <strong>of</strong><br />

the great mysteries <strong>of</strong><br />

mankind may have been<br />

solved by these Nosey<br />

Parkers.<br />

Scientists from King’s<br />

College in London have<br />

me<strong>as</strong>ured 15,000 penises<br />

in 16 countries. This work<br />

h<strong>as</strong> allowed them, after<br />

feeding the findings into<br />

computers, making<br />

b<strong>of</strong>finish statistical<br />

adjustments, twiddling<br />

knobs and squinting at<br />

graphs, to announce an<br />

average size for men’s<br />

undercarriage. This in<br />

turn h<strong>as</strong> been seized on <strong>as</strong><br />

having psychological<br />

significance. Apparently,<br />

men are now less likely to<br />

have a nervous collapse<br />

about their own<br />

shortcomings.<br />

“We have not been told<br />

the logistical ins and outs,<br />

if that is the term, <strong>of</strong> this<br />

ground-breaking global<br />

operation,” commented<br />

Martin Letts, a social<br />

critique. “The research<br />

demanded at le<strong>as</strong>t two<br />

readings (one at e<strong>as</strong>e, one<br />

standing to quivering<br />

attention) for each<br />

specimen. The mind<br />

boggles. Were the<br />

laboratory <strong>as</strong>sistants who<br />

took the data dreary<br />

middle-aged men<br />

speaking in monotones,<br />

or were they busty, sultry<br />

ladies with husky larynxes<br />

and widening eyes? To<br />

what level <strong>of</strong> exactitude<br />

were the me<strong>as</strong>urements<br />

taken? What instruments<br />

were employed - school<br />

rulers, tape me<strong>as</strong>ures,<br />

l<strong>as</strong>er micrometers or<br />

(ouch) cold, industrial<br />

clippers? While we’re<br />

about it, exactly how in 16<br />

languages, do you say<br />

‘sorry to interrupt your<br />

busy day, monsieur, but<br />

would you mind dropping<br />

your drawers so that my<br />

pouting <strong>as</strong>sistant Miss<br />

Droop can take the bore<br />

and length <strong>of</strong> your old<br />

man?”<br />

The ‘expert’ who led the<br />

psychiatrists from King’s<br />

College Hospital,<br />

announced that the<br />

average length <strong>of</strong> an erect<br />

penis is 5.6in. Typically,<br />

it sounds more in<br />

continental centimetres -<br />

13.12cm. The figure<br />

shrivels to 3.6in when the<br />

member is in a state <strong>of</strong><br />

genital repose. “I<br />

seriously doubt that many<br />

men are much concerned<br />

by these readings,”<br />

continued Martin. “I bet<br />

most <strong>of</strong> us, when we read<br />

the report, discreetly did<br />

some thumb work to try to<br />

work out what 5.6in looks<br />

like, and then had a rough<br />

gonder below decks to see<br />

how we fared by<br />

comparison.<br />

“But will men have been<br />

psychologically affected?<br />

Does size matter to them<br />

<strong>as</strong> it is said to matter,<br />

particularly to their wives<br />

and girlfriends? Or is this<br />

yet another attempt by the<br />

medical/psychiatric<br />

world to create colly<br />

wobbles where previously<br />

few existed? Dr. Veale<br />

said his findings would<br />

help doctors re<strong>as</strong>sure the<br />

large majority <strong>of</strong> men that<br />

the size <strong>of</strong> their penis is in<br />

the normal range. He said<br />

he would ‘<strong>use</strong> the graphs<br />

to examine the<br />

discrepancy between what<br />

a man believes to be their<br />

position on the graph and<br />

their actual position’.<br />

Another doctor disclosed<br />

that some men, poor<br />

fellows, suffer from<br />

something called body<br />

dysmorphic disorder,<br />

which can ca<strong>use</strong> a person<br />

to have a distorted view <strong>of</strong><br />

how he looks. Apparently,<br />

this is a serious source <strong>of</strong><br />

anxiety to some gents, who<br />

become convinced they<br />

are laughably tiny. One<br />

does not wish to downplay<br />

the gravity <strong>of</strong> body<br />

dysmorphic disorder<br />

which no doubt exists.<br />

One naturally h<strong>as</strong><br />

sympathy with those who<br />

may worry that they have<br />

been given short<br />

commons in the tro<strong>use</strong>rs<br />

department by the<br />

Almighty.<br />

“But is this perhaps a<br />

c<strong>as</strong>e <strong>of</strong> publicly employed<br />

scientists going to<br />

expensive lengths to<br />

investigate a not<br />

particularly widespread<br />

problem? Is male<br />

appendage size quite<br />

possibly a false hoo-hah<br />

created by society? There<br />

may be extreme c<strong>as</strong>es <strong>of</strong><br />

smallness or v<strong>as</strong>tness,<br />

where it can create<br />

disharmony between men<br />

and their sexual partners.<br />

The late Elizabeth Taylor<br />

had physical difficulty<br />

with one <strong>of</strong> her early<br />

husbands, so enormous<br />

w<strong>as</strong> his manhood. Wide<br />

<strong>as</strong> a beer can, apparently.<br />

But does any <strong>of</strong> this truly<br />

justify a research<br />

operation <strong>of</strong> the size<br />

(dread word) just carried<br />

out by these London<br />

medics? And anyway, are<br />

women really so<br />

concerned with<br />

me<strong>as</strong>urements than size -<br />

namely love?<br />

“For millennia, the<br />

male member h<strong>as</strong><br />

occupied a curious place.<br />

Immediately riposte: Yes,<br />

mate, between your legs!<br />

Men know there is not<br />

much they can really do<br />

to alter the equipment<br />

fate h<strong>as</strong> given them.<br />

Women can incre<strong>as</strong>e,<br />

decre<strong>as</strong>e the size <strong>of</strong> their<br />

busts by visiting a pl<strong>as</strong>tic<br />

surgeon, but medical<br />

science <strong>of</strong>fers men much<br />

less chance to vary their<br />

dimensions. Similarly,<br />

despite all those baldness<br />

cure adverts, there is not<br />

much they can do to stop<br />

their hairlines receding.<br />

You just have to accept it<br />

and get on with life.<br />

Adrian Mole may have<br />

agonised about this<br />

subject, but he w<strong>as</strong><br />

created by a woman. I<br />

simply don’t believe, even<br />

in this age <strong>of</strong> explicit<br />

advertisements with<br />

endless commercial<br />

emph<strong>as</strong>is on sex, that men<br />

give much thought to their<br />

willy size.<br />

“I attended boarding<br />

schools in the seventies<br />

and barely recall anyone<br />

mentioning how well<br />

hung they were. We did<br />

have one boy who w<strong>as</strong><br />

nicknamed ‘Chopper’, but<br />

that w<strong>as</strong> beca<strong>use</strong> he w<strong>as</strong> a<br />

notoriously dirty tackler<br />

on the football field. Did<br />

we size up one another in<br />

the communal showers?<br />

Not that I recall. Mind<br />

you, I have always been<br />

short-sighted and in<br />

showers, you naturally<br />

have to remove your<br />

spectacles. If I had been<br />

interested in seeing how a<br />

fellow-student me<strong>as</strong>ured<br />

up, then I would have had<br />

to peer down quite close<br />

for a proper gawp, and<br />

I’m not sure that would<br />

have been appreciated!”<br />

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Dear readers, ple<strong>as</strong>e note that we neither operate, nor are we an affiliate <strong>of</strong> any match–making agency in or outside the<br />

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is only to provide a platform for social networking.<br />

Also note that neither Vanguard, nor Yetunde Arebi will be liable for any error in the publication <strong>of</strong> requests which may<br />

result in any form <strong>of</strong> embarr<strong>as</strong>sment to any member <strong>of</strong> the public. We therefore request that text must be sent through at le<strong>as</strong>t<br />

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Okere-Urhobo monarch installs kingmakers<br />

History w<strong>as</strong> made in the<br />

ancient Urhobo<br />

Kingdom <strong>of</strong> Okere in Warri<br />

South Local Area <strong>as</strong> HRM<br />

Emmanuel Ono Okumagba,<br />

the Orosuen (traditional ruler)<br />

<strong>of</strong> the area installed three<br />

kingmakers at his palace l<strong>as</strong>t<br />

weekend.<br />

The three new kingmakers<br />

include: Retired Brigadier<br />

General Gold Eburu <strong>as</strong> the<br />

Otota (traditional mouth<br />

piece) <strong>of</strong> Okere Urhobo<br />

Kingdom, Chief Francis<br />

Alagba-Ikpuri, the Ogbe (<br />

custodian <strong>of</strong> deities and other<br />

related matters ) and Chief<br />

Solomon Onoriode Okoh the<br />

Olotu (traditionally in charge<br />

<strong>of</strong> defence and security<br />

matters )<br />

The monarch <strong>as</strong>sured that<br />

more kingmakers would be<br />

announced in future dates and<br />

that the new kingmakers<br />

comprised <strong>of</strong> the five major<br />

families in Okere Urhobo<br />

Kingdom.<br />

The event also witnessed the<br />

appointment <strong>of</strong> Rev (Dr) David<br />

Ot<strong>of</strong>ia and Chief George Eburu <strong>as</strong><br />

president - general and deputy<br />

president - general respectively by the<br />

Orosuen <strong>of</strong> Okere Urhobo Kingdom<br />

Speaking to journalists shortly<br />

after the installation ceremony, the<br />

new Otota <strong>of</strong> Okere Urhobo<br />

Kingdom, Retired Brigadier General<br />

Eburu expressed appreciation to<br />

HRM Okumagba 11 and indeed,<br />

the Okere-Urhobo people for the<br />

installation, vowing to follow the<br />

mission statement <strong>of</strong> the traditional<br />

ruler, which he noted foc<strong>use</strong>s on<br />

peace and unity.<br />

The event w<strong>as</strong> attended by<br />

distinguished personalities,<br />

including HRM Oba Samuel<br />

Edema Adeoye, the Molukun <strong>of</strong><br />

Atijere Kingdom in Ondo State.<br />

HRM Okumagba 11 , the Orosuen <strong>of</strong> Okere Urhobo Kingdom and<br />

his wife HRH Mary Okumagba ( middle) and some chiefs <strong>of</strong> Okere<br />

Urhobo Kingdom after the installation <strong>of</strong> three kingmakers at the<br />

palace <strong>of</strong> the Orosuen <strong>of</strong> Okere Urhobo, Warri .<br />

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Don't drag Omo-Agege's name into hijack <strong>of</strong><br />

revalidation materials — Onokpite warns<br />

Achieftain <strong>of</strong> the All Progressives<br />

Congress, APC, and legislative<br />

aide to the Deputy President <strong>of</strong><br />

the Senate, Comrade Edafe Onokpite,<br />

yesterday, warned those alleging that<br />

his boss, Senator Ovie Omo-Agege<br />

hijacked the materials for revalidation<br />

and registration exercise in Delta.<br />

The allegation came when the Delta<br />

State chapter <strong>of</strong> the APC announced the<br />

suspension <strong>of</strong> the party’s registration<br />

and revalidation exercise in the state by<br />

the National Caretaker Committee <strong>of</strong><br />

the party, describing the statement<br />

against his boss <strong>as</strong> unfounded, false and<br />

cooked up story to malign the name <strong>of</strong><br />

the Deputy President.<br />

Onokpite who addressed newsmen in<br />

Ugono community, Okpe local<br />

government area <strong>of</strong> Delta State, said<br />

no re<strong>as</strong>onable person would think that<br />

the APC Caretaker Committee<br />

Chairman, Jones Erue connived with<br />

the Deputy President <strong>of</strong> the Senate, Ovie<br />

Omo-Agege to divert materials for the<br />

exercise, saying that the allegations is<br />

nothing but a figment <strong>of</strong> the writer's<br />

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imagination.<br />

Onokpite said the allegation against<br />

his boss w<strong>as</strong> mere distraction to overlook<br />

plans by some political leaders with<br />

desperate political intentions to remove<br />

the state party chairman, Jones Erue by<br />

all means, adding that since they could<br />

not succeed hence there is this allegation<br />

<strong>of</strong> hijacking revalidation materials.<br />

Onokpite said, "We will not succumb<br />

to this cheap blackmail trending in both<br />

social media, online and newspapers, l<br />

had thought that the Deputy President <strong>of</strong><br />

the Senate should be appreciated for his<br />

uncommon achievements and<br />

purposeful representation and not to<br />

smear his name over what he knows<br />

nothing about.<br />

“How could same Omo-Agege, who<br />

prior the validation exercise, called on<br />

Deltans to come out and register and<br />

even extended it to other political parties,<br />

now turn around to hijack the same<br />

exercise he w<strong>as</strong> appealing to members<br />

to turn out for, this is unimaginable,<br />

mostly when he is not a member <strong>of</strong> the<br />

committee".

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