Lucent Dreaming Issue 1

46
LUCENT DREAMING
the first paragraph. Though we read completely through every submission we get
to give feedback, we know many slush readers don’t.
The key to a good opening is to start where the story starts. Most of the
time in a first draft we writers have to warm up a bit to the story and work our
way into it slowly. This can leave us with a lot of fluff in the beginning that isn’t
exactly exciting to read. This is normal, we just need to remember to shave off
that false start.
Take for example the short story Jonas recently wrote for Lucent Dreaming’s
sample issue. Here’s his original opening:
Pink light drained from the sky, falling behind the horizon to leave only cool, royal waters and a
pearlescent moon overhead. Thom sat on his deck overlooking the yard as the light dimmed and the
air became chill in his nostrils. He leaned his elbows on the railing and lit a cigarette. The crickets
sang in the summer night, and stars slowly began to wink above. Thom tapped a finger against one
leg of the tripod that held his telescope—a gift from Andreus—and watched passing headlights on
the road. Soon a pair of lights would stop, blink off, and he’d hear a car door slam and feet padding
on the stone slab walkway through the grass.
There’s a lot of description in there. It paints a nice picture, but nothing is
happening. Jonas was setting the scene, getting into the mood of the story, but
when he went back he saw that it’s not really important to the story (especially
for a short story where there are word limits).
CUT TO THE ACTION What’s the first thing that happens? He leans his elbows
on the railing. Okay, so we can cut everything before that. But, can we go further?
Do we really need that description of the night and the cigarette which have
nothing to do with the story? The telescope plays a major part in the story so
that makes it the first story related thing we see. Based on that, this is what
Jonas came up with on his next draft:
Thom tapped a finger against one leg of the tripod that held his telescope—a gift from Andreus—and
watched passing headlights on the road. Soon a pair of lights would stop, blink off, and he’d hear
a car door slam and feet padding on the stone slab walkway through his neatly trimmed grass.
That is already easier to read because we start with something happening.
Sometimes it can take a discerning eye and a lot of experience to spot the first
important thing that happens, but once you’ve found it, often you can simply
delete everything before that point. But remember to save your deletions in
another document!
Of course, there are many ways to start a story. The key is to be engaging.
You can think of it this way, too: What is the first thing that absolutely can’t be
cut from the story? Once you find out what that is, it might be a good idea to
start there.
by Jonas David and Jess Beynon