20 — VANGU ANGUARD, ARD, WEDNESDAY, , JUNE 2, 2021 I can't give both of them up! Dear Bunmi, MY friends have the impressi<strong>on</strong> that I lead a rather exciting life with a w<strong>on</strong>derful wife and a beautiful, young lover, but the truth is that I have two halflives! I am 38 and have been married for 12 years to a woman I cherished, but who sees me more as a compani<strong>on</strong> than a lover. We have four children - three girls and a boy. We live in our own house, as I have a high-profile and well paid job. My life changed forever about four years ago, when I met a young, attractive, intelligent actress, who fulfilled my every dream. She's an ambitious 27-year-old and we got <strong>on</strong> well right from the word go. She is attentive and affecti<strong>on</strong>ate, loving, fun in and out of bed. She's taught me a lot about love-making and in wild form, most of the times. We also like the same things - music, food and movies - and we truly are soul-mates. It was inevitable that my wife got to know about my lover, but she hasn't pressured me to give her up though, secretly, both women want me to ditch the other, but they offer me different things. Staying with my wife means security, but the other woman offers me true love. My lover swears she'll be with me forever and now wants my child but, at just 27, who knows how l<strong>on</strong>g her love will last? I love them both but can't make a choice. Osa, by e-mail. Dear Osa, It must be obvious to you by now that you are at a crossroads and whichever road you take means leaving something behind. You might toy with He wants us to separate after 16 years Dear Bunmi, WHEN I met my partner over 16 years ago, we were both separated from our spouses. He made it clear at the <strong>on</strong>set he wasn't getting married again. He swore he'd always love me, so I moved in with him whilst my mom looked after my two children. Now, after almost 16 years together, he's determined to separate, though he says I've d<strong>on</strong>e nothing wr<strong>on</strong>g. I am now 48 and he is 53. He's made it quite clear he wants his independence, which is a joke because he's always d<strong>on</strong>e what he wants. I've asked him if he's met Dear Bunmi, IAM six years older than my husband. When we met, I had a good job and he was into c<strong>on</strong>tracts. Now he's been employed as a bar manager of a sophisticated night-club. He's naturally made a lot of friends and has changed. He's completely over-hauled his wardrobe, bought a sec<strong>on</strong>d hand car and stays out most nights. His excuse is that he works erratic hours and, since he has a room at the club, it was safer for him to sleep over. Recently, when I complained that we d<strong>on</strong>'t behave as a couple anymore, some<strong>on</strong>e else, but he denies it. I have given 100 per cent to our relati<strong>on</strong>ship. I have changed myself for this man and accepted his ways. I still love him and have tried reas<strong>on</strong>ing with him. Now, we still live under the same roof and he's offered to pay the rent for a new flat, so I could move out. He's behaving like a total stranger. I just d<strong>on</strong>'t understand what's happened to him. I d<strong>on</strong>'t want to lose him. I'm hurting so much right now. Bianca, by e-mail. Dear Bianca, Being rejected is painful. Like you suspected, I also think it's likely he has some<strong>on</strong>e else, but he's not Age difference now a draw-back he told me what he does is his business, and that I didn't own him. I'm so unhappy. The agegap is obviously a draw-back, and I have this feeling that something is going horribly wr<strong>on</strong>g. Help! Iquo, by e-mail. Dear Iquo, I'm afraid I have to agree with you that your marriage is in trouble. For some reas<strong>on</strong>s, the new job means your man is exposed to the finer and wilder side of life and the people that make it tick, and is now feeling trapped in a relati<strong>on</strong>ship with an older woman. He obviously Dear Bunmi, I 'M in my mid 40s and need to know how to be more successful with women. When I think about women, it isn't <strong>on</strong>ly for sex but desperati<strong>on</strong> to find some tenderness in a relati<strong>on</strong>ship. I've hardly ever known this. Even as a child, I was raised by a mother who didn't show us that much love. I am a graduate, polite and caring and resent this unkind attitude women have towards me. They either ignore me or treat me very casually. Though I'm big, tall and not ugly, women d<strong>on</strong>'t seem to fancy me. In spite of my educati<strong>on</strong>, I haven't really been that successful in life and I believe this is why they d<strong>on</strong>'t fancy me. The few I've had dropped me as so<strong>on</strong> as they realized I wasn't a cash register. It's obvious that women are really interested in a relati<strong>on</strong>ship because of the m<strong>on</strong>ey they can get out of it. My life has been horribly desolate and I have a low selfthe idea of having it all, but them, you might lose it all. You paint a picture of a dull marriage but played a part in creating that too. Your lover now wants a child, but what about the <strong>on</strong>es you already have who need their father? Before you get carried away by the lust this actress offers, remember she's professi<strong>on</strong>ally trained to play roles and you might not really be certain of what you'd be letting yourself into by fathering her child. You've learnt a lot from your actress 'teacher about sex, why d<strong>on</strong>'t you pass some of this to your wife? Who knows, behind what you think is a cool exterior might be a fire waiting to be lit. Like most men, you seem to prefer a humdrum wife and a wild mistress, but you just might have both qualities in your wife. giving you any explanati<strong>on</strong> - something you deserve. He prefers to take the coward's way out. It's a horrible situati<strong>on</strong>, but if he's adamant this is what he wants, there's not much you can do. You are stuck in limbo and can't move <strong>on</strong> emoti<strong>on</strong>ally, while you live under the same roof. Simply put, the earlier you leave, the so<strong>on</strong>er you can start healing. It is a fact that, just as much as you can't help who you fall in love with, you can't also help it when you fall out of love. You need to pick up the pieces and move <strong>on</strong>. You've had 16 years with this man. Cherish that and cut your losses. has started moving with sophisticated night crawlers that come into the club, and is wishing he is <strong>on</strong>e of them. He could also be regretting pairing up so young and is making up for lost time. A man who stays away for days without even inviting his wife to spend the night from time to time is no l<strong>on</strong>ger committed to his relati<strong>on</strong>ship. You need to have a heart-toheart talk to know if he really still wants to be with you. If he does, tell him he needs to change. If he doesn't, then you need to come to terms with your marriage being over. I d<strong>on</strong>'t have much luck with women How do I <strong>stop</strong> sleeping with her step-mother? Dear Bunmi, I 'M almost 23 and in love with a girl who lives with her dad and stepmother. About two years ago, this woman threw herself at me so shamelessly that we eventually ended up in bed. She was in her 30s and had been coming <strong>on</strong> so str<strong>on</strong>g that I really fell under her spell. Since then, whenever I see her with her husband, she makes a fuss of him by kissing him, then she smirks at me. It breaks my heart whenever she does that. She also sends me text messages, telling me she likes me and what she will like to do to me when next we meet. esteem. Is there a way out of my situati<strong>on</strong>? Samuel, by e-mail. Dear Samuel, A woman will eagerly give her affecti<strong>on</strong> to a man who is penniless if he offers her passi<strong>on</strong>, protecti<strong>on</strong> and love. Instead, you seem to be <strong>on</strong> an endless search for the love you felt your mother denied you. This sends the message that you are some<strong>on</strong>e who, although gentle and nice, has little to give. Also, the anger you feel towards women, because you have been unable to win their affecti<strong>on</strong>, shines through. That's why they turn away. Your childhood greatly influences you, but it doesn't dictate the adult you become. So, push aside the urge to measure your worth by the love you receive from women, take stock of the pers<strong>on</strong> you are and learn to love yourself. Then ask yourself: 'In what sense am I a failure?' Our worth is measured not by m<strong>on</strong>ey, but in the love we give to ourselves and others. You'll so<strong>on</strong> discover that women are attracted to a selfc<strong>on</strong>fident men! We're still sleeping together though she's turning me into a basket case. I'm lost as to what to do. Please help. Frank, by e-mail. Dear Frank, Simply ignore her - she's totally bad news. She's just boosting her own ego by playing around with your feelings. It gives her a kick to think a young virile man like you is lusting after her. D<strong>on</strong>'t reply any of her texts and walk out of the room when she's trying to make you jealous with her husband. Once she sees she can't mess with your emoti<strong>on</strong>s any more, she'll probably <strong>stop</strong>. She wouldn't want to be caught in a scandal by being too daring! I'm not ready to commit to him yet Dear I Bunmi, 'VE just met this chap and all he wants is sex. We were introduced by a mutual friend and I agreed to go out with him because he has a pleasant pers<strong>on</strong>ality. In spite of the fact that things haven't been serious between us, he's hinting that we should cement our relati<strong>on</strong>ship by sleeping together. I feel he's rushing me a bit and I'm scared I'll lose him if I say no. I've been able to put him off, so far, but I'm going to have to tell him how I feel so<strong>on</strong>. What's the best thing to do? Amaka, by e-mail. Dear Amaka, Follow your gut feeling <strong>on</strong> this. If you d<strong>on</strong>'t you'll end up feeling bad about sex, resentful of him and down <strong>on</strong> yourself. If you know you're never going to want to sleep with him, tell him and let him off the hook. But if you want more time, you have every right to ask him to wait. If he w<strong>on</strong>'t wait or leaves you for some<strong>on</strong>e else, then he's not the man you should want to make love with. You'd be better off waiting until you meet some<strong>on</strong>e who respects your sexual needs and doesn't insist <strong>on</strong> rushing things. Share your problems and release your burden. Write now to Dear Bunmi, Vanguard Newspapers, P.M.B 1007, Apapa, Lagos, or bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk
Vanguard, WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2, 2021 — 21
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