CCChat-Magazine_11 (1)

CCChat t Magazine 

The Empower 

Issue 

The Magazine on Coercive Control 

Issue 11 

September 2018 

WHEN IT GOES WRONG, WHAT THEN? 

Survivors' Symposium 

SOMETHING NEW 

EMPOWER HUB - The Launch 

Rachel Williams 

CCChat's WOMAN OF THE YEAR 

Talking about her petition PLUS a chance to win her book. 

Countdown to Conference on 

Coercive Control- LONDON

Contents 

Editor's Notes 

3 After a summer of radio silence, 

Min Grob resurfaces with updates. 

A Woman On A Mission 

8 Rachel Williams and a chance 

to win her book. 

EMPOWER 

10 The launch of a new learning 

and support hub. 

Stalking not Harassment 

13 Meet stalking expert Alison 

Bird, CCChat's new columnist. 

The CCChat Interview 

18 We interview Clare Walker 

Abuse Talk 

21 Jennifer Gilmour updates on the Book 

Club, the forum and Abuse Talk 

Freedom Flowers 

26 Chapter 3 - The Newborn 

The Empower Issue

Editor's Notes 

About the 

Editor: 

Min Grob started 

Conference on Coercive 

Control in June 2015, after 

leaving a relationship that 

was coercive and 

controlling. 

Since then, Min has held 

four national conferences, 

spoken at several events, as 

well as publishing CCChat 

Magazine, an online 

publication on and around 

coercive control. 

September 2018 sees the 

launch of Empower Hub - 

a hub for connecting, 

learning and supporting 

around coercive control. 

Min is particularly 

interested in the various 

tactics used by perpetrators 

and how these tactics are 

often conflated by those 

who are unaware of the 

many ways in which a 

perpetrator will manipulate. 

Using various examples 

from social media, Min has 

spoken on the challenging 

subject of differentiating 

between strident discourse 

and deliberate baiting 

where perpetrators aim to 

get under the skin of their 

victim without drawing 

attention to themselves as 

abusers. Abusers are very 

adept at using covert tactics 

aimed at provoking a 

response. 

Min talks on coercive 

control both her own 

personal experience and 

more generally. 

Contact the Editor: 

contract@coercivecontrol.c 

o.uk 

Autumn Mists and Empowerment 

It's been a while since the last issue of CCChat Magazine. In fact, the last 

issue was in June and coincided with the fourth Conference on Coercive 

Control which was held at the University of Bristol. 

Much has happened in the intervening summer months but first, an 

apology for the hiatus. Football World Cup fever meant the rural 

supersnail WiFi was especially sluggish and inched and crawled at the rate 

Atlantic coral grows - and that is not fast. In the middle of this snail pace 

came exciting developments, so the magazine was put on the backburner 

for the duration of summer. 

And what are these developments? 

Firstly, the first Survivors' Symposium was held in August. This looked at 

how victims who had been failed by the system were left vulnerable to 

being exploited by services that, rather than safeguard them, led to them 

being significantly re-traumatised. The accounts given by survivors 

highlighted a shocking chasm in accountability where some services, 

although not necessarily breaking the law, demonstrated an amoral and 

deeply worrying lack of remorse when serious concerns were raised. The 

Symposium was set up to look at how victims have been/can be failed/ 

exploited and how better provisions can be put in place to safeguard 

against this. 

September also sees the launch of Empower - a hub for connecting, 

supporting and educating. More on this in the magazine. 

And, of course, there are the conferences. The upcoming one this 

November in London, one in Liverpool in 2019 and several more planned 

- included one which looks at the wilful blindness around recognising 

certain forms of abuse. As the saying goes, There are none so blind as 

those who will not see. 

Hope you enjoy this edition of CCChat and see you in November. 

The Empower Issue

It’s nearly here! 

Conference on Coercive 

Control LONDON 

24th November 2018 

University of London 

Tickets on sale now! 

Who are the speakers? 

Professor Evan Stark is a sociologist, forensic 

social worker and award winning researcher with 

an international reputation. Professor Stark played 

a major role in the consultation that led to the 

drafting of the new offence. 

Suzanne Martin, PhD is a Psychotherapist, 

VAWG specialist and academic with experience of 

working in the NHS, HE, voluntary and private 

sectors and set up the MA Understanding 

Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse at 

Goldsmiths. 

Joanne Beverley is the sister of Natalie 

Hemming who was brutally murdered by her 

partner. The story of how Paul Hemming became 

the subject of a murder enquiry became the 

subject of a Channel 4 documentary Catching a 

Killer:The search for Natalie Hemming 

David Challen is the youngest son of Sally 

Challen currently campaigning for her appeal of 

the murder of his father Richard Challen. Sally 

killed her husband Richard after a suffering a 

lifetime coercive control and physical violence by 

him. 

Alexandra Stein, PhD is a writer and educator 

specialising in the social psychology of ideological 

extremism and other dangerous social 

relationships. She is the author of Terror, Love 

and Brainwashing: Attachments in cults and 

totalitarian systems. 

Christian Szurko is the founder of Dialog Centre 

UK which provides information on manipulative 

influence and guides ex members to recovery 

after spiritual and psychological abuse. He is the 

Review Board Member of the Open Minds 

Foundation 

Dr Linda Dubrow- Marshall is a clinical and 

counselling psychologist. She is co programme 

leader for the MSc Psychology of Coercive 

Control and MSc Applied Psychology (Therapies) 

at the University of Salford. She co -founded the 

Re-Entry Therapy Information and Referral 

Network (RETIRN) to provide specialist mental 

health services in individuals and families affected 

by abusive groups and relationships. 

Dr Rod Dubrow- Marshall is co-programme 

leader of the MSc Pychology of Coercive Control 

and Visiting Fellow in the Criminal Justice Hub at 

the University of Salford and on the Board of 

Directors of the International Cultic Studies 

Association. 

Sarah Phillimore is a family barrister and site 

administrator of Child Protection Resource online 

Dr Laura Monk has a degree in Person Centred 

Counselling & Psychotherapy, an MSc in 

psychology, a PhD in psychology and behavioural 

sciences and studied the lack of support for 

mothers separated from their children in a context 

of domestic abuse, developing a training 

programme to improve professionals responses to 

mothers living apart from their children and works 

in private practice. 

The Empower Issue

HOW TO BUY TICKETS: 

1. Visit www.coercivecontrol.co.uk 

OR 

2. Go to EventBrite. Search for Conference 

on Coercive Control 

OR 

3. If you are an organisation requiring an 

invoice or if your organisation would like to 

buy more than 10 tickets, please email: 

contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk 

TRADE STAND AND SPONSORSHIP 

OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE 

Please email: 

contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk 

for further information. 

The Empower Issue


A Woman on A Mission 

In August 2011, 


escaped with her life 

after her ex husband 

burst into a salon 

with a doublebarrelled 

shotgun 

and shot her, before 

he fled then hanged 

himself.Shortly after, 

her 16 year old son 

committed suicide. 

Rachel wrote a book 

The Devil at Home 

which looked at the 

coercive control her 

ex husband 

subjected her to. 

Rachel is a 

campaigner, as well 

as an ambassador 

and is CCChat's 

WOMAN OF THE 

YEAR 2018. . 

L 

ast 

year, Rachel Williams started a petition 

TAKE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 

SERIOUSLY IN COURTS which, at time 

of publication had 158, 769 signatures. 

Rachel believes that all judges and magistrates need 

to be trained in domestic abuse. 

Her own experience of the courts was in 2011 when 

magistrates lifted her abuser' bail restrictions. The next 

day he shot Rachel before taking his own life. 

The magistrates concerned knew that Darren Williams 

had mental health issues. He had twice tried to commit 

suicide, had a history of previous domestic abuse with 

a former partner and he had already threatened to kill 

Rachel. 

He had a conviction for a firearm & knives, stungun & 

CS gas along with a humane bolt killer and had 

already assaulted Rachel. 

It begs the question, how many red flags were needed 

before the magistrates would begin to join the dots? 

If you haven't already, please sign this petition to 

increase much needed understanding of domestic 

abuse and coercive control in the courts. 

https://www.change.org/p/cpsuk-take-domesticviolence-seriously-in-courts/u/19855739 

The Empower Issue

WIN A SIGNED COPY OF RACHEL'S 

BOOK 

CCChat has a signed copy of Rachel 

Williams' book The Devil At Home to 

give away. In spite of suffering horrific 

domestic violence, Rachel proves that 

there is life after domestic abuse. In 

Rachel's own words, she is not a 

victim, she is a VICTOR! 

For a chance to win this copy, please 

email contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk 

with THE DEVIL AT HOME in the 

subject heading. 

The winner will be selected on October 

10th and contacted by email. 

The Empower Issue

www.empowersuffolk.co.uk 

A hub for connecting, learning 

and supporting around coercive 

control. Based in Suffolk, can 

travel way beyond! 

The Empower Issue

Empower Hub 

something new 

“Looking and seeing are two different things.” 

John Paul Caponigro 

Empower Hub is something new 

- so what's it all about? 

EMPOWER is a space dedicated to a better 

understanding of and around coercive 

control, both for survivors, professionals - in 

fact anyone. 

EMPOWER can offer training, workshops, 

seminars, discussion groups, support 

groups, wellbeing events and signposting 

from its base in Suffolk's beautiful Waveney 

Valley or further afield. 

EMPOWER is currently based in Suffolk's 

beautiful Waveney Valley, Empower will be 

looking to expanding nationwide. 

WHO IS EMPOWER FOR? 

- Are you are a professional seeking to know more? 

- On the frontline and interested in better identifying 

the *red flags* of abuse? 

- Wanting to participate in a group to increase 

understanding? 

-A police officer who has already received training but 

feel there is still much to learn? 

-A volunteer who will not receive training due to 

funding cuts? 

-A victim looking for signposting? 

-A survivor looking for a support group? 

-A survivor looking to better manage anxiety, trauma? 

-A survivor needing to maintain ongoing contact with 

an ex abuser because of children or facing them in the 

family court? 

-An employer who wants to support their workforce? 

-A friend or family member who is worried? 

- A relative who is concerned? 

If you are any or all of these or more, you have 

found a place where you are definitely not alone 

. 

www.empowersuffolk.co.uk 

info@empowersuffolk.co.uk 

The Empower Issue

Stalking NOT Harassment 

Meet stalking specialist and new CCChat 

columnist, Alison Bird 

Alison Bird is the 

Stalking Lead at the 

Essex & 

Hertfordshire 

domestic abuse 

charity Safer 

Places 

Prior to this Alsion 

was the Manager at 

Paladin, a national 

police/CPS trainer 

for stalking, 

accredited ISAC 

and lecturer on 

ISAC course, 

member of National 

Stalking 

Consortium, and 

played a role in the 

HMIC Inspection 

Living in Fear, 

looking at how CPS 

& police are 

responses to 

stalking victims. 

Alison was also a 

critical reader for 

this report. 

Alison is the 

stalking expert 

columnist on 

CCChat Magazine 

. 

M 

y 

new role is Stalking Lead at the Essex & 

Hertfordshire domestic abuse charity Safer Places 

which I am extremely excited about and am very 

grateful to Safer Places for asking me to champion 

stalking. Safer Places have IDVAs, ISACs 

(Independent Stalking Advocacy Case Worker), 

outreach workers & several Refuges for domestic 

abuse victims/survivors in Essex & Hertfortshire. 

I have worked with many bereaved families who have lost loved 

ones to a stalker and on many harrowing cases. The longest 

case for ex-partner stalking I have worked on was a victim of 17 

years. I also took part in the BBC1 film Stalkers. 

There are now several centres of excellence offering support for 

stalking victims across England & Wales and it is important to 

acknowledge the hard work that goes into providing support for 

stalking victims. 

Nov 2012 was the inaugural date for the crime of stalking, 

yet in 2018 nearly 5 years on, is stalking being taken 

seriously? 

As someone who has worked with countless high-risk stalking 

cases nationally and now with a focus on victims based in 

Essex I am too aware that there is a long way to go before 

agencies understand the serious nature of stalking. 

When I train staff internally or agencies externally I talk about 

the swear word “harassment” and dropping the H Bomb 

because on hearing the term “harassment” used 

interchangeably with “stalking” and also the word “stalking” 

often being completely omitted from parlance in stalking cases I 

get very twitchy and feel distinctly uncomfortable. 

If we talk solely about “harassment” it sounds like a lesser 

offence, it is a lesser offence, and is not taken as seriously and 

the nature of fixation is completely overlooked. 

I think of rarassment, in its basic form, as nuisance behaviour. 

That is because having worked with high risk stalking cases the 

term “harassment” does not address the impact and insidious 

nature of stalking. 

The Empower Issue

It is important to use the word hypervigilant in 

place of “paranoid”. Victims will often say they feel 

“paranoid” but that word has negative 

connotations and sounds like it is the victim’s fault 

so I always change that word to hypervigilant and 

empower the victim/client. 

The worst stalking cases end in murder and we 

have recently seen many younger women being 

stalked & murdered by their ex-partner: 

Molly McClaren, aged 23, in Kent, Alice Ruggles, 

aged 24, in Northumbria and Shana Grice, aged 

19, in Sussex. 

Are younger victims seen as less at risk because 

they may be more polite and unassured when 

reporting? Alice Ruggles was asked by a 101 

officer, the 2nd time she reported the stalking to 

police, “what do you want us to do…arrest him?” 

No victim should be asked that. 

I talk about dropping the H 

Bomb ... on hearing the term 

“harassment” used 

interchangeably with “stalking” 

Alison Bird 

The onus should not be on the victim to make 

these decisions especially when a robust safety 

plan is not in place and risk has not been 

assessed. Also, victims lack any knowledge of the 

criminal justice system; may be afraid to call 999 

(Alice sounded apologetic for bothering the police 

in her first call. 

Victims feel belittled and not taken seriously – so 

imagine if you are a teenager or in your twentiesthis 

will be amplified. This was the case for these 

3 young victims. 

“Police & CPS are well-intentioned 

BUT it is a case of understanding stalking” 

I take a very black & white, victim-led view. With a 

stalking conviction there is now up to 10 years 

maximum custodial but for harassment it remains 

at only 5 years maximum. Stalking is unwanted, 

persistent, fixated behaviour which occurs 

repeatedly. 

Stalking has a serious adverse effect on the 

victim’s life. A victim may suffer serious alarm & 

distress and/or fear of violence and so the impact 

will be that the victim changes their behaviour, 

may suffer from anxiety (and worse), feel 

hypervigilant and many stalking victims are so 

scared that they no longer go out and sit inside 

their home with their curtains closed. 

In fact Shana Grice was issued with a fixed 

penalty notice for wasting police time and not long 

after was murdered. The majority of stalking 

cases are revenge cases i.e. ex-intimates, 

however, stalkers are not just ex-intimates they 

can also be complete strangers, a neighbour eg in 

Helen Pearsons’s case, someone you went to 

school with in Clare Waxman’s case, a patient of 

a GP e.g. Eleanor Aston. 

Police & CPS are well-intentioned BUT it is a case 

of understanding stalking. All police, CPS, 

Judges, domestic abuse workers require training 

around domestic abuse, coercive control & 

stalking and an understanding of the legislative 

framework. 

The Empower Issue

Stalking S4A: 

This is defined as behaviour “which has a substantial 

adverse effect on ... usual day-to-day activities” of a 

victim. 

For the majority of stalking cases a S4A charge should 

be used and you will generally find that this charge fits 

the examples (found in the legislation) of a victim 

changing their behaviour and having their lives closed 

down. 

When looking at “serious alarm & distress” prosecutors 

and police should look at: 

a) the victim changing their routes to work, work 

patterns, or employment; 

(b) the victim arranging for friends or family to pick up 

children from school (to avoid contact with the stalker); 

(c) the victim putting in place additional security 

measures in their home; 

(d) the victim moving home; 

(e) physical or mental ill-health; 

(f) the deterioration in the victim's performance at work 

due to stress; 

(g) the victim stopping /or changing the way they 

socialise. 

The harassment legislation is clung to instead of 

embracing a very clearly set out piece of legislation on 

stalking. We must firstly believe victims, patterns must 

be looked at and risk understood. 

The DASH & S-DASH must be used on a victim’s 

report of this crime. On the point of separation risk 

escalates & stalking may replace coercive control. This 

is where the danger lies with most ex-intimate 

femicides occurring in the first 2 month of separation 

and the first year. 

Anonymised Case Study: 

This week a stalking victim told me that she called 999 

for the first time as her ex-partner was outside her 

house (using their child as a way to stalk her). Police 

attended and she was asked “why are you crying he is 

only knocking at your door?” This is a case whereby 

the stalking pattern has not been put together as a 

jigsaw; police attend what they see as an isolated and 

“civil” incident. 

The victim is upstairs frightened waiting, locked in a 

bedroom with her pre-school age child, crying with fear 

and waiting for police to attend. 

“ You cannot have multiple breaches of Restraining 

Orders without stalking” 

The list is not exhaustive but it gives an idea around 

“substantial adverse effect in a victim”. 

You only need 2 stalking behaviours to go forward with 

a S4A stalking offence for “serious alarm & distress” or 

for “fear of violence”. 

Clearly these need to be evidenced so that CPS can 

do their job. I would urge police to ask the right 

questions when they attend a call out where the 

behaviours occur post-separation as this is stalking. 

Ask the stalking risk questions on the S-DASH to 

clarify the behaviours & impact. 

Then if there is serious alarm & distress and/or fear of 

violence look to request a S4A charge from the start, 

alongside any breaches of orders eg breach of nonmolestation 

order or breach of restraining orders (RO). 

I have seen cases where there are multiple breaches 

of RO and no mention of stalking!! You cannot have 

multiple breaches of RO without stalking. Too often the 

right questions are not asked and opportunities to 

safeguard are missed. 

The first question in the S-DASH is “…are you 

frightened?” So that is a yes in this case, clearly you 

don’t call 999 and wait crying in a room if you are not. 

Police should ask: What are you most frightened of? 

The perp in this case is meant to pick up the child from 

another relative’s house in order to further safeguard 

the victim. However, he used his position of power to 

turn the police's judgmentso that the police belittle the 

victim and treat her as though she is the victim and not 

the victim of a crime called stalking. 

They record it as “victim refusing to allow child 

contact”. This is a massive can of worms in itself. 

Every mother has the right to safeguard their child from 

harm if they do not think contact is safe. Whether a 

Court orders contact or not. In this case the stalking is 

a continuation of the coercive control and he had not 

turned up for the previous contact visits leaving the 

child confused and tearful so this time the victim did 

not expect him to turn up and the child was not ready. 

Plus he has been told by police not to contact her in 

the PIN! The second question in the S-DASH is: Is 

there previous domestic abuse or stalking/harassment 

history? The answer in this case is yes, he has been 

stalking her since they split up, police are involved and 

he has been issued with a PIN….the victim should be 

asked this and be able to elaborate on this and the 

picture should start to form. The next questions should 

follow on to complete the picture. 

The Empower Issue

What is a PIN or harassment warning? 

The victim thinks that as he has recently been issued a 

PIN/harassment warning by police that will protect her. 

However, the perp/stalker knows it does not carry a 

power of arrest & it is like having a receipt for a gift – 

but actually with less rights. So a PIN is misleading and 

all too often we hear that he has been given a 2nd 

instant harassment warning. To which I think what on 

earth is that? 

The piece of paper called a PIN is only to be used for a 

one-off offence and may deter some perps (but will not 

deter the savvy fixated stalker). Why would anyone 

think if they have “breached” the first PIN that a 2nd 

one will work? It beggars belief. It is extremely 

misleading for victims and makes them feel safer than 

they should do in reality. 

So the stalker has the upperhand, not only does the 

victim in this case feel belittled she will now think twice 

about calling 999. 

Currently Safer Places have a hub of trained 

ISACs and it is our intention to ensure stalking 

training is rolled out to all staff so we they can all 

advocate for stalking victims and see the risks 

clearly to better support stalking victims in Essex 

& Hertfordshire. 

I am linked in with the Stalking SPOC for Essex 

and looking at how we move forward to better 

understand and deal with stalking in Essex. 

More info: 

https://www.justiceinspectorates.gov.uk/hmicfrs/ 

publications/living-in-fear-the-police-and-cpsresponse-to-harassment-and-stalking 

Next Issue: Ali Bird will be on stalking using the 

family courts – an all too common occurrence. 

He used his position of power to turn police’s judgement so they belittle the victim & treat her 

as if she is the problem and not the victim of a crime called stalking 

This is where continued support from the ISAC/IDVA 

can help build confidence in continued reporting and 

validate the victim. Validation for stalking victims is 

usually the first thing they need when accessing ISAC/ 

IDVA support. 

In the case of the murder of Alice Ruggles (October 

2016) the perpetrator, Harry Dillon, was also issued 

with a PIN. 

Again this was a waste of time and Alice felt protected 

without knowing she wasn’t. 

In conclusion we should look to stop the use of PINs in 

stalking cases. Sussex & Surrey no longer use them 

since the murder of Shana Grice and other forces are 

following suit. 

Police need to be trained so that when they attend an 

incident such as this they ask the right questions and 

support the victim and not the perpetrator. 

If they had joined the dots and asked & listened they 

may have understood the criminal offence of stalking 

instead of jumping to conclusions that it was a civil 

dispute around child contact. It would be beneficial to 

discuss a case in each issue of the magazine so we 

can better understand stalking, better protect victims 

and get the right outcomes for stalking victims. 

If you are the victim of domestic abuse, coercive 

control or stalking and live in Essex or 

Hertfordshire please contact 

Safer Places: 03301 025811 

info@saferplaces.co.uk. 

Stalking training requests: 

Alison.bird@saferplaces.co.uk 

National Stalking Helpline - 0808 802 0300 

Veritas Justice – Sussex 01273 766 633 

Paladin – 0203 8664107 

Hollie Gazzard Trust - info@holliegazzard.org 

Alice Ruggles Trust - http://alicerugglestrust.org/ 

The Empower Issue

The CCChat Interview 

Clare Walker 

Consulatanvy 

Clare Walker is a 

Domestic Abuse 

Consultant with more than 

25 years’ experience. 

Clare has a unique indepth 

360 degree view 

and understanding of 

domestic abuse. 

Having been a victim 

herself many years ago, 

she has first-hand 

experience of the effects 

and how they can present, 

as well as the entangled 

confusion and complexity 

of a power and control 

based intimate 

relationship. 

In 2011 Clare successfully 

set up her own company 

delivering domestic abuse 

training & Consultancy to 

organisations and 

individuals, private or 

professional UK wide 

under the banner of Clare 

Walker Consultancy. 

Clare is one of 4 Licensed 

facilitators of the Freedom 

Programme and has been 

delivering this training to 

professionals locally and 

nationally since 2006 

. 

For more information: 

http://clarewalkerconsult 

ancy.com 

I 

n 

this issue CCChat interviews Clare Walker, 

a domestic abuse consultant and Award 

Winner 2017 for the CPS & HMCTS. 

How did you get into this line of work? 

Domestic Abuse wasn’t anything that had ever featured in my life – 

until I experienced it in adulthood. The whole experience of being a 

victim, leaves us in an exhausted & confused position. I didn’t 

understand it, nobody talked to me about the fact I was a victim of DA, 

they just made vicarious decisions over my head regarding my safety. 

Despite living in a Battered Wives Hostel for 7 months, I didn’t see 

myself as a victim. What I did see & hear though, was the awful 

experiences of the other women & their children who were also 

residents with me. The part that I did know & understand, was that 

whatever was going on, I knew I needed to come back to that ‘place’ at 

some point during my life journey to ensure others weren’t left to 

experience the same kind of so called, ‘service’ that myself & others 

had endured back then. 

What would you like to see that isn’t happening? 

In my mind, there are 3 specific changes needed for us to address this 

issue & reduce the prevalence; changes in the Law, changes in 

Education and changes in our collective culture of practice – across all 

of the different contexts we all work within. 

How do you think that could be achieved? 

I feel there are so many things that need to change in reference to DA, 

if they don’t, then the Homicide & Serious Case Reviews will continue 

at the rate that they have done for years. What kind of ‘civilised society’ 

can qualify itself as civilised, whilst collectively colluding, enabling and 

permitting abusers to continue. 

Law - I feel an overarching Law that specifically states DA is unlawful, 

so court hearings & convictions can be listed as what they actually are. 

Having recently sat in court, I heard 7 cases in one day, none of them 

were listed as DA – but 3 of them clearly were. Unless we name it for 

what it is the collective cognitive dissonance across society will 

continue. 

Education - formal & otherwise, from the youngest of ages upwards. I 

lose count the amount of times I am asked why the Freedom 

Programme isn’t more available? Why isn’t this taught in schools? Why 

isn’t this a part of my training/my Degree course? 

When you have 40 midwives on your training at the end of which they 

all say: ‘We can't get there soon enough to stop the impacts & effects 

can we…’ given they are there pre-birth – it speaks volumes. 

The Empower Issue

It is appalling that my interventions are an ‘add on’ as opposed to 

core – what message does that give to victims? 

Clare Walker 

Culture of practice - it needs turning on its head. 

Something we were speaking about recently at 

Leicester De Montfort University; meaningful 

Service User Involvement. For a victim or a 

perpetrator to be informed about work that needs 

to be done, when, how, why and at what pace, 

with a human to human interaction and 2-way 

communication. 

For practitioners to remind themselves that this 

maybe your case, but it is actually someone else’s 

life. And we need to start calling out when 

someone is abusive regardless of their positions 

of power, status or presentation. Jimmy Saville. 

Need I say anymore? 

All these combined, I believe, would gradually 

over time address the prevalence of DA, reduce 

the deaths & effectively, address the stigma that 

victims carry. NSPCC did some research several 

years ago that estimated the financial cost across 

society to continue ‘dealing with DA’ in the way 

we currently do is £36.7 billion/year. The social 

cost, of course, is immeasurable. 

How does your work help in achieving that? 

As much as possible I get myself in front of those 

who need the information I teach or train in. I think 

it is appalling that my interventions are an ‘add on’ 

as opposed to core – what message does that 

give to victims? So, educating and informing is 

part of my working towards change. I have run the 

Freedom Programme in Leicester for the past 15 

years. 

For the past 12, I have created an income to fund 

the continuation of the group. And for the past 3 

years the group has been funded & provided 

between myself & the fabulous Pat Craven. In my 

role as an Expert Witness, I am able to give a 

voice to victims in the Court arena, explain how 

different forms of abuse manifest in victim’s 

behaviours etc. 

I am also looking out for opportunities to sit as a 

Magistrate – I feel it is so important that I am able 

to pose my knowledge & expertise into those 

conversations and decisions. Additional to that, 

campaigning, campaigning & some more 

campaigning! Locally, nationally & internationally. 

The Empower Issue

Favourite book & pop song? 

There are sooooo many to chose and I am 

indecisive ?I always state I have attention deficit, I 

get bored easily so even if I have thoroughly 

enjoyed a book, there is only 1 that I have read 

several times over the years & cherish it being on 

my book shelf; Sybil by Flora Rheta Schreiber. It’s 

a record of the earliest diagnosed case of multiple 

personality (now known as, Dissociative Identity 

Disorder) Sybil had 16. Her abuse as a child to 

me clearly explains why the brain ‘produces’ 

these multiple personalities to be able to ‘manage’ 

the reality that the person is faced with. 

From human to human, it is a distressing read, but 

the psychology of the mind and its still unknown 

depths, just blows me away. It’s fascinating. Pop 

song wise, Im gonna take 2 – I am a none 

conformist ? 

How do you relax, this is all intense stuff? 

It is intense stuff yes & I could be in a constant 

state of fury or hopelessness. But instead, I plan 

in down time, especially after a 3-day training 

event, it takes a lot out of me emotionally, but I 

love it! In that down time, I allow myself to go with 

the flow; do something I fancy or do nothing – just 

refuel. And of course, I have my beautiful family 

and friends to give me a change of focus, lotsa 

love, a lorra laughs and glamming up & getting on 

my dancing shoes – is definitely good therapy for 

me. Yoga is always a visiting friend – I’m into Hot 

Pod Yoga currently, I love it & when I can’t 

squeeze sessions in, I miss it. Having said all of 

that, I do also get re-energised by knowing I have 

changed a perspective. Plus all those amazingly 

strong victims and survivors, all of whom I feel it is 

a great privilege for me to be able to walk along 

side them for a few steps of their journey, I am 

humbled to do so. 

What advice do you wish you had been given 

when you were younger? 

Hmm good question. I could list a whole thesis of 

‘advice’ that would have been useful. But really, if 

the Freedom Programme had been around as a 

part of my education in school – I think that would 

have informed & enabled a different path. I would 

have had a deeper understanding of human 

behaviour; including my own. 

My mantra over the years has been Tori Amos 

debut album Little Earthquakes (of which I love 

every track) But specifically; Silent All These 

Years, just so resonates as it undoubtedly would 

for anyone who has experienced any level of 

abuse – silence is a thing of the past for me & has 

been for some years. I find it grounding & it also 

enables an occasional look over my shoulder at 

the journey to date. 

My other cheeky track is to celebrate the party girl 

within me, as well as marking positive change & 

growth, it’s Shapeshifters; Lola’s Theme – I love it! 

Makes my heart smile & my feet dance. Every 

time. 

Clare, it has been an absolute pleasure 

interviewing you and we hope to see much 

more of you in CCChat. 

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON WHAT CLARE 

DOES: 

www.clarewalkerconsultancy.com 

The Empower Issue

ABUSE TALK 

BOOK CLUB 

Jennifer Gilmour gives an update 

Y 

ou 

ou can join in every Wednesday 8-9pm GMT 

via #AbuseTalk on Twitter. 

Anyone can get involved with the discussions, all you have to do is sign into Twitter on the dedicated 

time and tweet with the #AbuseTalk. The account @AbuseChat will retweet and be involved in the 

conversation. If you have any articles, blog posts, thoughts, feelings on domestic abuse then this is a 

space were you can express it. 

A recent discussion we had was on financial concerns and how finances are a strain after an 

abusive relationship, linking to CMS and the high solicitor fees. The hour has been described as the 

hour of the week in which everyone ‘gets it’. 

NEW- A how to video on how to get involved with #AbuseTalk here- https://www.youtube.com/ 

watch?v=dJ23ciuK4ac 

EXCITING NEWS 

The Abuse Talk forum is now open and you can use it straight away, if you are in the sector please 

do share your services because there is an area just for that. We have an education section, survivor 

section and a simple chat section. 

www.jennifergilmour.com/community 

I have always felt a forum was needed but couldn’t find its place and so I decided a Twitter Chat was 

the direction to go. After a few months of hosting #AbuseTalk I realised that tweeting was great but it 

wasn’t for those who don’t want to publicly discuss domestic abuse. It is also restrictive with the 

character limitations. That's when I realised that a forum can work alongside the Twitter Chat and 

offering a register only forum. 

I am also delighted to have the forum sponsored by a solicitor who has agreed to answer questions 

within the forum on their own thread ‘Ask a solicitor’. 

This is priceless, to have the opportunity to ask a solicitor when perhaps someone may not have had 

the ability to do so. 

Find out more- https://jennifergilmour.com/abuse-talk-twitter 

If you have any questions or want to get in touch regarding sponsorship of the forum then please 

email me on contact@jennifergilmour.com 

The Empower Issue

For more on Jennifer Gilmour 

www.jennifergilmour.com 

The Empower Issue

Jennifer Gilmour Interviews: 

Stella Eden 

I 

am 

delighted to have had the pleasure of asking Stella Eden some 

questions after reading her book “The Right To Be Me”, you can find out my 

thoughts on her book in the previous CCChat Magazine edition here: I am 

also excited to announce that there is a giveaway linked to this interview 

and Stella has kindly offered a paperback copy of her book up for grabs just 

for this Online Book Club. You wouldn’t want to miss that, the book is a 

must read. Keep reading to find out how to enter. 

Tell us a bit about yourself, where are you from? Whats your favourite thing to eat? Do you 

have any hobbies? 

Hi. I am Stella Eden domestic abuse survivor and author of “ The Right To Be Me” When I am not 

writing -I love to paint I have tried all forms of mediums but I always return back to my favouriteacrylic. 

The book cover of my autobiography is my own artwork. My favourite place to hang out is in 

a coffee shop sat people watching. 

I've read your book 'The right to be me' and as the reader I felt I was a fly on the wall watching 

what was happening- I commend you on your bravery in publishing your story. Did you have 

any fears about publishing your story? 

I wasn’t sure whether I would get a publisher to print my autobiography having looked online at the 

top tips in getting your story published. When it headlined topics to be avoided- violence and 

anything of a deeply disturbing nature is best to avoid writing about. This didn’t put me off there is 

always more than one path to get you to your destination. I approached the publisher with a brief 

synopsis and was really surprised when they said they were interested. I was very nervous about 

sending this mainly because no one had read my autobiography only myself. It had been with me in 

a protective cocoon for 18 months the length of time it had taken me to write it, and the time had 

come for me to let it go out into the world. My only fear was would they receive it– everything these 

days is electronically sent. So here I am sharing my autobiography-the feedback it isn’t an easy read 

– I haven’t held back with what happened to me- domestic abuse is brutal, horrific on every level and 

there is no other way I could write it. 

What was the aim in publishing your story and do you think you have achieved what you set 

out to do? 

Great question! I needed to know who I am. And I needed answers to questions to understand what 

had happened to me. I decided to write it down I thought there wouldn’t be much to write about- I 

couldn’t stop. The picture that started to evolve onto the pages as I typed was when the full horror of 

what happened to me. The impact of reading this aloud really hit me, more so than just talking like I 

had a done in many counselling sessions. I wanted to share my story in a way that I keep it as raw 

as I possibly could to show what I have gone through. I feel my autobiography takes you there in the 

moments where you the reader are faced with what is happening. Yes-it is uncomfortable to read. 

But it is necessary to understand the full impact is what I wanted to convey the desperation of 

fighting to survive, fighting to live and fighting for the future so the abuse will end, because this has 

to stop. This should not be happening and even more disturbing in the sequence of events that were 

allowed to continue years after my escape and the involvement of those in the power of authority. 

Changes are greatly needed and to be implemented. And I think my book shows this. 

The Empower Issue

How did it feel on publication day? 

On the day of publication I was out working in my 

practice I didn’t get time to really think about it. I 

did have a little book launch to celebrate and to 

say thank you to those who have supported me. 

Whats life like now? Have you recovered (if 

you don't mind me asking)? 

Life is wonderful. It has taken a lot of work to get 

to this place – the internal battle I had within 

myself wasn’t great. And I knew I had to make 

many changes to how I was going to start living 

my life. I am so glad I did because this has 

opened up my life in a whole new way. It brought 

in new beginnings and there will be more to come 

– watch this space. 

If you could give readers one bit or advice or a 

message what would it be? 

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I 

refuse to be reduced by it” a quote by Maya 

Angelou. 

Thank you so much Stella for answering those 

questions and with honesty, this is something 

I admire about you. Stripping away memories 

and placing them onto pages for all to see how 

abuse can take hold and develop. 

Find out more about Stella’s book here on 

Amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/ 

1784651672/ 

The Empower Issue

To enter the giveaway to win a copy of 

Stella’s book pop over to this link: 

http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/ 

display/9e44d0e012/? 

If you want to get in touch in response 

to the questionnaire or if you have any 

questions then please email me at 

contact@jennifergilmour.com 

The Empower Issue

A victim-led 

drive for 

change 

The Empower Issue

August saw the first Survivors’ 

Symposium take place. This was a 

closed event to ensure that identities 

and information was kept strictly 

confidential. 

Top of the agenda were numerous 

reports of an unregulated service 

preying on victims of abuse online. 

Whilst, on the surface, the service was 

not technically illegal, several we have 

spoken to, described the conduct as 

morally reprehensible. 

The Symposium heard from vulnerable 

individuals who had been exploited 

and put in fear by some who had 

managed to 'game' the system whilst 

simultaneously avoiding being held to 

account. 

The Symposium looked at various 

case studies and discussed desired 

outcomes and ways in which 

vulnerable people could be better 

protected from these types of 

providers. 

One this is clear. Whilst they seem to 

have escaped scrutiny, victims who 

have been failed are speaking out to 

ensure others do not meet the same 

fate as has befallen them. 

Watch this space for more 

developments. 

The Empower Issue

Dr Emma Katz 

In June 2018, Dr 

Emma Katz gave a 

talk at the 4th 

Conference on 

Coercive Control at 

the University of 

Bristol. 

So many people 

wanted to have a copy 

of Emma's slides, they 

are reproduced here. 

Emma will also be the 

Keynote Speaker at 

Conference on 

Coercive Control 2019 

in Liverpool. 

To get in touch with 

Emma: 

katze@hope.ac.uk 

The Empower Issue

Freedom Flowers 

by Pat Craven 

Pat Craven created the 

Freedom Programme in 

1998, after working in 

nthe Probation Service 

Perpetrator 

Programmes. 

Since then, Pat has 

heard from hundreds of 

firsthand accountfrom 

women who have 

escaped from abusive 

relationships because 

they have attended the 

Freedom programme. 

Pat has also written 

several books and 

manuals including: 

Living with the 

Dominator, Freedom 

Programme Home 

Study Course and 

Freedom Flowers. 

Fredom Flowers has 

been reproduced with 

kind permission from 

Pat Craven. 

C 

hapter 3 - The 

Newborn 

Dominators dictate how we give birth. If they are surgeons or consultants they 

may insist that we have caesarean sections even though there is no medical 

reason for it. 

They prevent us from breastfeeding or force us to do so against our will. 

They cut or break stitches to force us to have sex. 

They lock us out of the room when the baby is crying to be fed or changed. 

They say that this teaches the baby discipline. 

Daffodil ..I would wake up hearing my son scream and cry, and when I 

opened the bedroom door to get to him (we lived in a bungalow), my ex would 

suddenly appear from a different room as fast as lightning and not allow me to 

get into my son’s room, or he would be in there and at the bedroom door 

blocking my way... They use violence if we pick up the baby to play with it or 

cuddle it. This means that, to protect the baby, we ignore it. We agreed to 

split, but agreed to stay in the same house to look after our disabled child. I 

was totally controlled, emotionally, but didn't know it. I felt it but didn't 

understand. I kept repeating in my head, he's a good father. I was trying to 

make it true because the other option was unthinkable. If I didn't play by his 

rules, his punishment to me was to stop me seeing my child. 

When we were together, it was not being allowed to say goodnight or put him 

to bed. 

Even if my son was crying for me, I used to just sit there, as the last time I 

tried to get to him, my ex dropped my child on the floor, at no older than six 

months, and wouldn't pick him up until I left to sit down in the lounge. 

I carried that guilt, and saw him use that threat, time and time again. My son 

learnt to be quiet and to crawl into a space that only I could get to him and his 

father could not. It is only now that I am putting together some of my child's 

behaviours and where they originate from... 

This can have a dreadful effect on the rest of this child’s life.If they are never 

picked up, cuddled and hear loving words they do not know that they are 

lovable or even likeable. They may go through life without even knowing this 

is missing, but having no sense of self worth. How can they? 

For more details on 

Freedom 

Programme: 

www.freedomprogra 

mme.co.uk 

Rose remembers, after Freedom ....He controls and keeps the money. I can’t 

afford to buy a pram or clothes or nappies. I can’t ask anyone because I don’t 

want anyone to think badly of him. My baby will just have to make do with the 

little I have. The baby is so fretful and cries all the time. I have to keep him 

close to me all the time. He won’t let me attend to the baby when he cries. 

When I try to be with him, he says the baby must learn. 

The Empower Issue

My baby is feeling insecure and unsettled. I can’t 

breastfeed my baby because he says they are his 

boobs. He wakes the baby up once I have finally 

settled him. Baby is confused and frightened. There is 

no routine for the baby. 

I spend all my time running after his father and I just 

can’t manage it all. I find it hard to bond with my baby 

because he spends time with my mother to keep him 

safe. I want my baby in bed with me but I’m not 

allowed. I do everything for the baby and the other 

children. He does nothing at all. 

He has never changed one nappy.I am shattered and 

the baby does not get the stimulation he needs. I am 

so scared when he is mad that I panic and try 

everything to get my baby to sleep, but my baby panics 

too. 

I have no money for the gas card for hot water so I 

can’t bath my baby. The only toys my baby has are 

from his grandparents. Most get broken... 

Dominators also kill and injure babies. 

The worst possible time is when we are pregnant, 

giving birth or in poor health. They never give any 

reason. My ex did all this but before I joined the 

Freedom Programme Forum it would never had 

occurred to me that this was abuse. 

Hubby Number Two was the love of my life and he was 

the one who played with my head. We were friends for 

two years before we got together. He was sweet, kind 

and lovely. We both lived up North and I was moving to 

Essex. We had got together and he moved in with me. 

The signs were there but I didn't realise. He went to 

work one day and phoned me up and said we were 

finished. He changed his mind that evening and I put it 

down to a wobble. 

Around this time I discovered I was pregnant. He 

proposed and talked me into going back up North, 

which I did. I remember him not letting me read a 

magazine, he'd always read over my shoulder, I 

couldn't roll over in bed without him thinking I had the 

hump with him. We got married and when I had the 

baby it got worse. He left two weeks after I had a c- 

section because I'd ask him to help me feed the baby. 

He came back after eight days. He left five times in 

four months. 

"He left two weeks after I had a c-section because I'd ask him to 

help me feed the baby. He came back after eight days. 

He left five times in four months." 

Serious Case Review – Baby Peter 

In spite of efforts by ambulance and hospital staff to 

revive him, Peter was pronounced dead at 12.10 pm. 

On initial examination, he was seen to have bruising to 

his body, a tooth missing, a torn frenum and marks to 

his head. The Police Individual Management Review 

(IMR) referred to a post mortem completed on 6th 

August 2007 which revealed further injuries (a tooth 

was found in Peter’s colon and eight fractured ribs on 

the left side and a fractured spine were detected). 

The provisional cause of death was described as a 

fracture / dislocation of the thoraco-lumbar spine. A 

significant deficit in the first intervention with the family, 

which was then perpetuated, was the failure to 

establish the identity of Mr H, interview him and 

conduct checks on his background. He was the friend 

that Ms A claimed was peripheral to the family and had 

no involvement with the children. One of the most 

potentially dangerous scenarios in child protection is 

an unrelated man joining a vulnerable single parent 

family... 

Orchid says ...Can you please also include something 

about a partner who always leaves a relationship and 

returns when he feels like it? He is using emotional 

abuse. A lot of us on the forum have been repeatedly 

subjected to this tactic. It makes us vulnerable which 

also hurts the kids. 

At the time, my older children were five and six and he 

was damaging them. He tried to remove the baby from 

my care, so I had to call the police. The signs were 

there but I didn't realise. He also threw me on the sofa 

in front of the girls. On one occasion, he drove round 

the roundabout eight times. He had been shouting and 

I told him I wasn't going to respond if he was shouting. 

He pulled over on the dual carriageway, took the baby 

in her car seat, abandoned me, and the car, and 

walked off with her. I was shocked. I had no phone, 

keys or money and couldn't drive at the time. I had to 

wait 20 minutes for him to come back. Then, one day, 

he'd asked my girls to put their pram away. They didn't 

respond quickly enough so he hit them round their 

heads. I didn't know until the next day. I'd slept on the 

sofa as I was restless. 

He came in the next morning and started shouting, 

‘Why didn't I want to sleep with him etc?’ Then the kids 

told me about him hitting them. He spent the whole of 

that day shouting, and I ended up telling him to leave. 

He'd previously left me for silly reasons, from the 

wrong shopping to him not taking me to the doctors 

after the baby’s birth. I'd had enough, and was isolated 

where we were because it was a little village where I 

didn't know anyone. I phoned a refuge and they got me 

a place back where I was, before, in Essex. I then filed 

for divorce. He refused to see the baby. He and his 

mother cut contact and he refused to answer his 

phone... Social workers and police can become 

involved and babies can be removed. 

The Empower Issue

Orchid (continued) .. 

I then lost custody of the kids, as my eldest, who I was 

carrying when I was assaulted in pregnancy, has 

extreme behavioural problems. I couldn't obtain help 

and she was placed in residential specialist home. I 

fought to get the other two back. 

I went through all the assessments and he (Orchid’s 

husband) decided he wanted custody of the baby. It 

had already been decided that she was coming to me 

and was only a week away from being home full-time. 

He'd also had a child with someone else and they got 

back together to try to get my child. 

During the court process, he didn't know my address at 

all. I had only been in the refuge three months and got 

a council house. He had no clue where it was. My 

solicitor raised it with the judge for my address to be 

withheld and it was agreed but they still included it in a 

court bundle, yet denied doing it. My legal team was 

furious. 

He was awarded three hours per month access, 

minimum, and to be at my discretion where and when I 

got a residency order as he tried to take her. We got 

back together and, after three months, he left again, 

just before I had major spinal surgery. 

He kept leaving and coming back. Through 

counselling, I started to realise I had to stop this, or I 

was going to lose the kids. He left me up the pub and 

drove off and I had to make my own way home. I then 

found him packing, and this time I’d had enough. 

We got back together when I was 26 weeks pregnant 

as he had been coming down once a month, and had 

been putting on the charm, trying to get his feet back 

under. I was ill and just went with it. He was OK until 

the baby was three days old, then the shouting started. 

I was ill and he refused to take me to the hospital. 

When she was 10 weeks old, he went again. All these 

times he left he never gave much notice. 

On one occasion, the kids and I were upstairs and 

hadn't known. I thought, at the time, that for a six-yearold 

to wake up and find her dad gone is heartbreaking. 

Now she says he's mean and asked if she could have 

a new dad!... 

Dominators also use the legal system and other 

agencies to abuse us and damage their children. 

Lavender ...When people consider abuse, and its 

effect on children, they are probably thinking about kids 

between the ages of three and 15. I think babies are 

the ‘forgotten victims’ in these situations due to their 

perceived lack of understanding. 

The Empower Issue

My experience has taught me that, although 

babies do not have the intellectual capacity to 

process the events going on around them, they 

are definitely affected by the atmosphere. 

When my daughter was born she was a VERY 

discontented baby. She would constantly cry and 

was always unsettled. Being a first time mother, I 

simply just put her behaviour down to lack of 

routine. I thought she was hungry, colicky, 

teething or just being a newborn. 

Not once did it occur to me that she was picking 

up on the horrific vibes between her father and 

me. When she would cry my first instinct was to 

give her my breast, then check her nappy and 

then give her a cuddle 

I became frustrated and felt inadequate as a 

mother when, at times, none of these things 

worked. I just could not work her out and would 

look at her in absolute desperation thinking, "What 

do you want from me?" “What am I doing wrong? 

Now I can provide her with the loving home 

environment she deserves. The reason I left my 

ex-partner was because I did not ever want my 

child to bear witness to his despicable behaviour, 

I never ever wanted her to feel scared or 

confused in the crossfire of any violence. I am the 

product of a violent home and witnessed horrible 

things that are etched in my memory permanently. 

I wanted better for my daughter, which is why I got 

out when I did. 

That dream has been shattered by the legal 

system, as my daughter has been emotionally 

abused as a result of being caught in the middle 

of an attack on me by my ex-partner. Her father 

attacked me during an ordered visit, and my 

daughter wet herself in fear. He marked my face 

and, as a result, my two-year-old baby was scared 

of me and would not cuddle me for a week. She 

would reject my affections and would just stare 

and point at my face. 

"My baby is feeling insecure and unsettled. I can’t breastfeed 

my baby because he says they are his boobs." 

Why can’t I make you happy?” Ironically, these 

are the very questions I would often ask her 

father! I left my ex-partner when my baby was just 

13 weeks old after he attacked me whilst I held 

her in my arms. 

I left the flat we shared in the heavy snow, with no 

money, the clothes on my back and just her 

changing bag, but it was the best decision I have 

ever made. My daughter was like a different baby 

when we left. She was so happy and content. The 

crying stopped and she was no longer jumpy. 

When we lived with her father, his mother 

remarked on how jumpy she was all the time. 

Admittedly, I do feel guilty that her first three 

months in the world were so unhappy, but I truly 

underestimated the effect it was having on her. I 

never understood properly until I witnessed the 

positive change in her behaviour once we had left. 

I’m just glad I made the break for both our sakes. 

We have an exceptionally close bond, so this was 

a shattering experience for us both.It turned our 

world upside down for weeks whilst my daughter 

tried to process the trauma she witnessed in her 

poor little confused mind. I will never get back 

those precious moments that we lost, and I hold 

the courts accountable for us being forced into 

harm’s way in the first place. My father was violent 

towards my mother, and she ended the 

relationship when I was four years old. I am now 

27 and have vivid memories of the chaos I 

witnessed as a child. 

One of my memories was of me sitting on the 

edge of the sofa, staring at the sea of broken 

glass that covered the living room floor. I vaguely 

recall a space next to the fridge that was full of 

bottles which I now know to be wine bottles. My 

memory has images of the bottles suddenly not 

being there one day and the carpet covered in 

glass. 

I also remember being in bed ad seeing shards of 

glass next to me. As an adult today, if I hear a 

glass smash I completely freak out. I once 

dropped a glass at home and when it smashed on 

the floor, I instantly burst into tears. It took me 

ages to muster the courage to sweep it up. 

The Empower Issue

I made the mistake of confiding in my ex- 

Dominator about my childhood experiences and 

he listened attentively and comforted me whilst I 

poured my heart out to him about the things I 

witnessed. 

Little did I realise that, in true Dominator style, he 

was storing the information for future reference, 

as one day during an argument he took a glass 

and dangled it in front of me, threatening to 

smash it on the floor if I didn’t comply with what he 

said. Recently, my mother and I were talking and I 

told her about one of the other memories I have of 

my father throwing a meal she had prepared 

against the fridge in a rage. I told her I 

remembered the gravy slowly slithering down the 

front of the door. She was very shocked that I 

remembered something that happened 23 years 

ago when I was so young... 

The next story provides a clear example of the 

way an ill-informed adviser can put women and 

children in danger. 

I left the house to get some space between us, as 

suggested by Relate Counselling, but after this 

experience I knew I could never leave the house 

again whilst my baby was in there. The fear of 

thinking something might happen to your child is 

very strong and it is a powerful way to control 

somebody. 

Feb 28th 2009- He was shouting and then 

threatened me because I answered back. Lots of 

trigger points. Abigail’s comforter was missing, the 

neighbour is giving him wood he now doesn’t 

want, he was trying to watch rugby and, of course, 

he had been drinking. I was gradually being 

backed into the utility. 

I asked several times for one of us to leave room 

as it was escalating. He said, “You leave” so I 

said, “Okay one of us needs to leave the house so 

the situation calms down. I’ll do it”. I went to sit in 

the car. I could see he had turned all the lights off 

downstairs. I then panicked about Abigail. I 

thought, “What if he went to hurt her to spite me?” 

"Little did I realise that, in true Dominator style, he was storing the 

information for future reference," 

Daisy was trying so hard to follow the advice from 

a ‘professional’ who had no understanding of 

abusive men. I hate to think how many other 

women have been placed in her situation. 

Daisy 

Here are some of my experiences about the 

impact on the children. Much of the text is copied 

word-for-word from my journals at the time. When 

I first thought about this task I didn’t think I would 

have much to contribute, then memories kept 

coming back and there are pages of the stuff. 

Monday 29th December 2008 -Poor Abigail, I 

worry for us both. She is so precious. The other 

day, he was in a mood and followed us up the 

stairs and deliberately left the stair gate open. I 

know he did it on purpose, how vindictive is that? 

He would wish harm upon her to get at me! Why? 

That is not normal. I hate being scared. I hate 

being threatened. The next entry describes a very 

scary night when he locked me out of the house 

and I suddenly became sick with fear because my 

little girl was asleep inside. I was terrified he 

would harm her to get at me. 

I’m sure he wouldn’t, but I was really scared. I sat 

and cried in the car and, after five minutes, I tried 

to get back in the house. He’d locked the back 

gate and left keys in front door so I couldn’t get in 

there, either. 

He has done this before and I’ve gone round the 

fields, climbed over a fence and got in the back 

door. I looked for torch, but it was not in the usual 

place. I thought, “Okay I’ll give him a chance to 

open front door”. He opened it but said he 

wouldn’t let me in. His face was full of anger and I 

was really frightened. I’m upset now writing it 

down, but he eventually let me in. We then had a 

discussion where I didn’t really get a fair chance 

to speak and was belittled and patronised as 

usual. 

Before I left the house, he had told me not to 

speak, then asked me a question that required me 

to answer yes. I was scared to speak, so I didn’t. 

He then said, “You can nod your head”. Later in 

the argument, he said my head nodding was 

aggressive!!! ..... 

If this man had murdered Abigail while Daisy was 

locked out of the house she could have ended up 

in prison for failing to protect her daughter. The 

worker who gave such potentially lethal advice 

would not have faced any sanctions at all! 

The Empower Issue

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