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GIRL ON FARMER<br />
Have I talked about my new license picture? I think<br />
that I have. But let me remind you just in case. In the<br />
past few years, I have developed a googly eye problem<br />
in pictures. I constantly look like I’m cross-eyed<br />
or at half-mast. To counteract this issue I have developed<br />
a new strategy. When my picture is being taken,<br />
I keep my eyes open VERY WIDE and look straight<br />
ahead. The effect is that I look like I’ve just inhaled<br />
a sand castle made of crystal meth. Not a very good<br />
look. I mention this because I got a ticket for a recent<br />
accident (as you also may already know) and now I<br />
have to go to driving school.<br />
Driving school requires that you scan your driver’s<br />
license, which is something I shy away from. I want<br />
to send in my old one, where I look like a young, cute<br />
hippie instead of someone who will steal your silverware<br />
and kidnap your cat for ransom.<br />
Did you know that you have a wide choice in driving<br />
schools? There are about 15 different options you can<br />
take. I had no idea it was such a lucrative industry.<br />
The one I chose is the Improv Driving School. Why<br />
does the Improv have a driving school and who<br />
authorized this? Their key selling point is they promise<br />
to make driving school funny and that you can finish<br />
all the online classes in about an hour. Not true.<br />
They may be funny, but according to AZ law, the class<br />
has to be six hours long, which is not funny.<br />
Six hours of driving school seems like an awful lot<br />
just to avoid a fine for a ticket. I think if your accident<br />
is stupid like mine was (hardly an accident—more of<br />
an unfortunate event), you should get to choose the<br />
self-help skill that would be useful in avoiding such<br />
an unfortunate event. My driving skills had little to<br />
do with what happened; it was more my impulsivity<br />
and impatience that led me to turn while only kind<br />
of looking, like an idiot. Maybe I should have to go<br />
to some Zen or relaxation counseling instead of driving<br />
school. I already know that what happened falls<br />
within the “excessively stupid” category. The Improv<br />
funny driving school won’t help me. And I think once<br />
they see my license photo, they will get the impression<br />
that driving school is the least of my worries.<br />
Opting out, however, is not a choice if I want to<br />
avoid points on my creepy-looking license, so I am<br />
stuck with this Improv online course. There is no<br />
38 JAVA<br />
MAGAZINE
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