Bonus: This issue is strong enough for a man - University of Windsor

Plans to Move Law School to Downtown
Windsor Thwarted by Conscientious Dean
Larry Wilson denied prestigious post, Resumes work on National Mandatory Unionization Drive
Last week, at a special emergency meeting of the Faculty Council, Dean Elman vetoed plans
to relocate the faculty of law to a site adjacent to what <strong>is</strong> now the ‘Boom Boom Room’ in
downtown Windsor. Proponent of the plan, Prof. Emir Aly Crown Mohammed was outraged.
In a symbolic gesture of obstinacy, he thrusted h<strong>is</strong> alligator leather italo-point shoes
(which he planned to wear to said Room post lecture), across the table, striking Prof. Tanovich
in the forehead.
The Dean, while checking h<strong>is</strong> blackberry intermittently to see the most recent CLEW announcements
from some guy named MitchD, gave the following reasons for vetoing the
move:
“My friends, and, by friends, I mean only those of you who attend the Dean’s breakfast. The
rest of you moochers who grab a free coffee and avoid an awkward conversation with Dean
Gold are on my black l<strong>is</strong>t.
Greetings my friends, and others who will no longer have access to the Message from the
Dean on the law website.
“Let my people go” says law building.
“No.” says Dean. The irony.
Adequacy, as you are well aware, <strong>is</strong> the capstone, cornerstone, and rollingstone of Windsor
Law. Our mantra of adequacy <strong>is</strong> readily v<strong>is</strong>ible on our website designed by a Commodore 64 and irreplaceable for
reasons of too-difficultness.
My friends, adequacy <strong>is</strong> seen in the cost-efficient forbidden locked door, which saves energy and deters left handed
thieves. It <strong>is</strong> seen in the high-speed wheelchair ramps found in the upper and lower pits, which facilitate expedient and
joyous access for the d<strong>is</strong>abled. It <strong>is</strong> seen in the moot, where plugs are available on the wings and wireless internet <strong>is</strong>
available only in the centre. It <strong>is</strong> seen in the outdoor-nature-walk on the second floor, access to pedestrians denied.
Yes, we are at home here at Sunset and University. When plans to move the Diefenbunker here were abandoned in 1967,
we inherited the finest facility known to man. Why leave now?
No, we will not invest haphazardly in moving. But we will invest. Effective today, we will purchase more flat screen
TVs for G110. We will provide one new blue short sleeve dress shirt to Paul Murphy, but only one. We will finally add
the movable parts to the Trebble artwork in the upper pit. We will develop signs that remind students that coffee <strong>is</strong> not
permitted in the library unless you work there, in which case pursuant to the principles of substantive equality, you may
enjoy a Venti nonfat m<strong>is</strong>to. We will commit ourselves to increasing adequacy before th<strong>is</strong> decade <strong>is</strong> out, and then we will
go on sabbatical. We do these things not because they are easy but because they are adequate enough to keep us ranked
above Moncton.” *shaking f<strong>is</strong>t* “Moncton!”
The Dean then proceeded to pound a diet coke and remove the picture of Ron Ianni. He was later seen burying the portrait
of the former dean at the corner of Sunset and University.
At the conclusion of the meeting, three new provosts and two vice-provosts were appointed. Professor Larry Wilson’s
appointment to quasi-rector-provost was denied. He untucked h<strong>is</strong> golfshirt from h<strong>is</strong> jeans and shaved off h<strong>is</strong> mustache in
protest. The Oyez has learned that he was subsequently d<strong>is</strong>charged from WUFA for failure to wear proper union attire.
Co-written by: Theodore Manx, The Swashbuckling Mule Breeder and Sarah One Tooth No Steak Jones AKA
Madame Rickles
the oyez | let’s goo doontoon | 29