BiJou 26 - BiNe Bisexuelles Netzwerk eV

What is S&M?
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Sadomasochism (S&M) is a form of free and responsibly acted out consensual erotic role play and
sexual expression. It involves realising emotions which are bound to the domination/submission/
humiliation of another person. These erotic emotions can, but need not be fulfilled through sex,
pain, or other fetishes.
The most relevant characteristics of S&M are the completely voluntary nature of the act, full
consent of the people involved (“because they know what they’re doing”), the opportunity to abort
at any time if one of the participants wishes to do so, as well as a sense of responsibility for the
physical and psychological well being of one’s partner/s. This attitude is described by the acronym
„SSC“ - Safe, Sane and Consensual.
The spectrum of games includes a wide range from verbal submission through bondage and humiliation,
to the infliction of extreme pain.
The affection and trust in your partner is a vital ingredient for good erotic play, which ideally
builds such an intense mutual bond in a way that is seldom achieved in a relationship otherwise.
Consciously dealing with power, partnership, and one’s own emotions sensitises a lot of people for
other processes in personal relationships as well.
Naxia
Interview with Naxia
How did you get into BDSM
(aka S&M)?
I realised that I was into S&M
when I was 17, over 10 years
ago – when my boyfriend at the
time put a name to the things
we’d been doing. In retrospect
I can say that I’d been carrying
these fantasies around with me
since my childhood.
Two years after experimenting
for the first time I visited the
SMJG Stammtisch (translator’s
note: S&M youth regular get
together) in Hamburg, which I
ended up heading for eight years.
There I met many wonderful
people, a lot of which are
now good friends of mine. And
for the past few years I’ve been
happily involved in a serious
open relationship with one of
them.
Besides the SMJG I began to
get involved with Schlagwerk
(translator’s note: largest BDSM
initiative in Hamburg). I participate
in the planning of theme
nights and organise the participation
of the S&M scene at the
pride parade and street festival
of Hamburg’s Christopher Street
Day.
Are BDSMs more open towards
bisexuality than others?
I do think that if you deviate
from the sexual norm in a way,
you’re also more open towards
bisexuality. My impression is
that a lot of BDSMs are bisexual
or pansexual, the gender
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doesn’t really play a significant
role in it. I’d describe myself
as pansexual, too. For me the
physical of social gender of a
person doesn’t really matter.
It’s not important for the attraction.
In order for me to get
sexually attracted to someone
it’s important that it just fits,
that there’s chemistry, that the
person has a certain charm that
makes them sexually attractive.
I don’t know how else to describe
it.
Do some BDSMs separate sex
and S&M? Do they for instance
do S&M with both genders but
only have sex with one gender,
or something like that?
Some do separate sexual intercourse
and S&M sessions, for
others it blends into one another.
The S&M scene is big so
there are lots of different preferences.
Is the discrimination against
BDSMs worse than that against
bisexuals?
I can’t really speak for the bisexual
scene since it’s not my
scene. But BDSMs often keep
their preference a secret. In
a job application some might
like to mention their voluntary
youth work in the BDSM community
but censor it out of
fear that it would be received
negatively. I even know of someone
whose parents found out
about their preference and kicked
them out of their home. In
another case someone’s partner
tell us that as the person woke
up the next day the number of
a therapist was left on the bedside
table, and their bags were
packed. You can’t expect unconditional
acceptance.
Isn’t there a huge range of
practices? How do two people
deal with varying degrees of inclination?
I find it difficult to talk about
degrees of sadomasochism. If
someone does a 2-hour long
session, does that make him
less BSDM than someone who
gets whipped for three hours?
If you want to live BDSM then
you just have to talk to each
other. A bigger problem might
be when you’re too alike. When
both want to be top or bottom.
But most couples work something
out. Compromises can
be made, they can always take
turns.
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In Hamburg, Berlin and other
major cities there is a greater
differentiation among the
Stammtisches (translator’s
note: a Stammtisch is an old
German tradition where a restaurant
or café sets aside a table
for a group of people who
regularly get together to hang
out and have social and political
discussions) based on theme:
like the Bondage group,
or the D/S Stammtisch. What I
find sad is, it’s really just one
scene and drawing clear lines is
impossible. There are different
specific preferences but to draw
a box around each – “Over here
we talk only about bondage,
over there only about D/S)” –
is difficult in my opinion.
What about polyamory and sessions
with multiple people at
once?
It seems to me that among
the younger S&Ms, like 30 and
below, many are leading open
relationships, are polyamorous
or polygamous, or meet for
threesome sessions. One simple
example would be an erotic session
where the girlfriend serves
five people and brings them
drinks. Especially with different
preferences people get curious
on how to implement this particular
fantasy with one or more
other people.
Is there discrimination within
the scene? Like “You’re not S&M
enough” or “You’re doing the
Pupil dilation exposes bisexuals!
A US study of the University of Cornell conducted on 325 men and
womem claims that pupil dilation may reveal sexual orientation. It
also found that there was a large number of bisexual men and that
there’s a wide spectrum between homo- and heterosexuality.
http://www.news.cornell.edu/stories/Aug12/PupilsSex.html
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wrong kind of S&M”? Is there
homo- or biphobia?
It does exist, but not in my
group of friends… I find dealing
with those kinds of people exhausting.
There are people that
say, “If you’re really BDSM then
you have to like something or
other.” They’re usually men
that want to take advantage of
insecure young women. These
women have finally discovered
that they can now put a name
to what it is that they like. And
then they get pressured into
doing something like that. It
does happen but it’s pretty rare.
At the Stammtisch of the BDSM
youth SMJG they work towards
making sure that such demands
and forceful insistence do not
occur.
I’ve also experienced a few cases
of homophobia. I think no
scene is immune to that.
Is a relationship between someone
who’s into BDSM and a socalled
Vanilla partner possible?
For me this was out of the
question. But back then I had
tunnel vision and wasn’t looking
for a partner outside of
the scene. But there are people
that awaken after 20 years of
marriage and want to get their
partner to join them in living
out their BDSM fantasies. Some
just ask their partner to tie
them up. Others open their relationship,
some couples try it
out together. For me, there’s a
lot more to a long-term relati-