POPE CONSIDERING VISIT TO UN THIS YEAR - E-Research

Wife's Problem: A Jealous Husband
Please answer this before I lose my mind. I have
been married 25 years to the most wonderful man in
the world. Fifteen years ago he accused me of having
an affair with one of our best friend's husband. It
nearly killed me. This man and no other has ever
looked at me twice. This has become an obssession
tvith my husband and is ruining both dur lives.
Should I go to them and mar their happiness with
this story? Shall I take a priest along? The things
? said last week hurt deeply. I cannot take it any
By JOHN J. KANE, PH.D.
Your letter to me is quite inconsistent. How can your
husband be "the most wonderful man in the world" and treat
you the way he has done for 15 years? Even if it were
true that you were unfaithful, he should have done something
about it; when he thought it occurred or he should have long
since forgotten and forgiven.
Two possibilities immediately strike me about your problem.
First, your husband is being cruel. He employes this
accusation as an ax over your head in order to manipulate
you. By repeating this charge he keeps you in a subservient
position, on the defensive, so that he may do pretty much
as he pleases. If so, you must bring it to a head, if after
15 years, this is possible. If not, your own mental and emotional
condition will certainly worsen and your opening statement
that you may lose your mind is no exaggeration.
Since you have maintained over all these years that the
statement is untrue, I rather doubt, the feasibility of going to
the couple for support. You will disturb them needlessly and
no doubt fruitlessly. What reason can you have for thinking
your husband would believe this man? As a matter of fact,
he would probably conclude the man (was teffing a lie
when he denied it for his own protection.
MAY BE MENTALLY ILL
The second possibility is even more serious but probably
more likely. Your husband is mentally ill. Since I am not a
psychiatrist, I hesitate to throw psychiatric terms around
loosely, but there is a mental illness know as paranoia.
Paranoia is a condition in which the individual has delusions
of grandeur or of persecution. Oddly enough, such persons
may seem to be otherwise highly logical. I recall once
taking a class to a mental hospital where a paranoid woman
was interviewed by a psychiatrist.
This lady ran an elevator in the institution. She greeted
us warmly, asked where we were from and talked pleasantly
with us. We were all amazed when the psychiatrist summoned
her for an interview.
He asked her a number of questions to which she replied
quite coherently. Finally, he asked her if it were true that
people were putting crushed glass in her food. She smiled and
said, "Doctor, you know it is true. There was some this
morning."
I mention this to illustrate the fact that sometimes not
always, such persons seem to make a good adjustment but
when their particular fixed notion is brought up they reveal
their delusion.
Just how to proceed will have to be your own decision. I
will make certain recommendations and perhaps one of them
will prove acceptable to you.
Since it may be a medical problem, the logical person to
consult is your family physician. Take your courage in hand
and go to him. Explain the situation in detail and emphasize
the fact that the accusation is now 15 years old but is still
being brought up again and again. If he has treated your
husband, he may already have noted certain quirks in his attitudes
and behavior. This is really the most direct approach.
^~ If you have no family physician, the matter is more dif-
_ult. You can call the County Medical society and ask for the
names of some general practitioners in the city. Select one
and consult him.
OR CONSULT PRIEST
If neither of these approaches appeals to you, then you
could discuss the problem with one of the parish priests. Since
you have already indicated the possibility you would ask a
priest to accompany you if you visited the couple in question,
this may make it easier. But, since the priest is not likely to be
a psychiatrist, you add another step in the chain of events.
The third possibility is to consult a marriage counselor.
Perhaps a parish priest can recommend one or, if you prefer,
go directly to the Catholic Social service. They have trained
case workers who will certainly be able to evaluate the matter
and make a referral to a physician.
At this point, you literally have no choice about the necessity
of doing something. Your only alternatives are just how
you decide to proceed.
If you will take action and take it promptly, a 15 year
old problem may be solved in a matter of months. If you fail
to do so, the situation will only grow worse. Instead of one
person possibly suffering emotional illness, you will have two.
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