Standouts - The Beat Within

The Beat Within
The Beat Within • A Publication of Writing and Art from the Inside • Volume 17.01/02
“Evolution Revolution”
by Julio C. Collazo
The First Issue
of 2012!

Editor’s Note
editor’s note
Volume 17.01/02
Welcome to the first issue of 2012. It is with great honor
to given this platform to INga BUchbinder, who has
played such an important role the last six months.
We are thrilled about the new year and all the possibilities.
With that said, we wish all you readers a wonderful new year,
and here is The Beat’s Program Director with the first editorial
note of the New Year. Take it away Inga!
Once again it’s a brand new year. A clean slate. A fresh start.
I read someone’s status on Facebook that essentially asked
why people trip over the first of the year and say they will
change all this stuff in their lives—it’s really just another day.
In some ways, I don’t disagree. What really makes January 1
any different from December 31? Every day the date changes.
It’s always a brand new day, one you have never seen before
and will never see again.
But on the other hand, January 1 is like another chance—
and it comes every year! A whole year ahead of you to make
different choices, take a new path. So what choices will you
make this year that will make 2012 different from 2011?
Many of you wrote about your New Year’s Resolutions for this
issue and many of those pieces talk about turning your lives
around.
The resolutions I always hear about are losing weight,
going to the gym more, eating healthy, making money, getting
a better job, reading more books and traveling more. All of
these things are important, but shouldn’t we be conscious
about these decisions every day and not just January 1 of
every year? Shouldn’t we always strive to live a healthy and
fulfilling life—however that may be for you. I read a fun fact
in a magazine that most people’s resolutions don’t even make
it to February 1. People forget about them, get lazy, give up
because it’s too hard, etc. That’s fair enough, change is hard.
Even I’m not a fan of change.
So, I challenge all of you Beat readers and writers,
even those of you who didn’t write about your resolution, to
really contemplate how you can make 2012 the best year for
yourself, how you can strive to succeed and make the hard
changes that will put you on the right track. Don’t give up—
that’s the most important part. Don’t get discouraged. Ask for
help. Take small steps, believe in yourself. All of you have the
ability to complete your resolutions of going back to school,
getting your degrees, getting a job and supporting your
families, changing your lifestyles, finding things that you are
passionate about. So do it. When we inevitably get to January
1 2013, wouldn’t it be nice to look back and see how far you’ve
come, how much you did just because you had the ambition
and drive in yourself to get it done? Trust me, you’ll feel great.
With all that said, here are the topics for this first issue of
2012. Topics from 17.01:
“Saved- What does it mean to you to be saved? How do you
define saved? Does it mean being saved from ferocious dogs?
From being trapped in a burning house? Saved by the bell? Tell
us of a time you were saved. Saved from what? How were you
saved? Is it true, for many, you have to sin to get saved? If that’s
true for you what sins have you committed, and how have you
addressed the sin? What did you do to get saved? If you feel
you have been saved by your God, be specific and tell us how
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 2
your God came into your life. What did you do to help your God
help YOU? Who is ultimately responsible for your salvation
(being saved)? Is it your higher power, your family, a teacher, a
mentor, a counselor? Tell us about this person, spirit, or thing
that has helped/saved you. What transpired? With this said,
breakdown what being saved means to you.”
“It Won’t Go Away - What is something you can’t seem to be
able to escape from? That is something you don’t want around,
but won’t go away. Think about your habits, your lifestyle, a
certain memory, and the people in your life. Now tell us of the
thing(s) you would like to change in your life, and in detail give
us your thoughts on what it is you wish you could escape from,
but for some reason you can’t.”
“A True Leader - Is being a true leader a trait people are
born with or a skill acquired through practice? We ask you, if
true leaders are born or created? Many people think a leader
is something you acquire and are molded for. Have you ever
witnessed someone who just naturally takes the reigns and
heads a project? Or maybe it’s an athlete who has the ability to
inspire their team and the team follows them fearlessly? With
that said, are you a leader? Give us the details. Now if you are
not sure, then tell us (famous or not) who is a leader in your
eyes, and what makes him/her such a leader.”
Topics from 17.02: “The Pen versus The Sword- The old
saying “the pen is mightier than the sword” that ink in a pen
can be more powerful than the blade of knife or in today’s
terms, the bullet of the gun. Yet, many of you would disagree.
You might feel that the bullet in the gun is mightier, that it
can inflict great harm and fear, which the pen can’t. Does
this saying still mean the same thing today? Can the pen (or
writing) be more powerful than a gun/violence? Now from
where you sit today, we know you have serious thoughts on the
pen and the gun?”
“The Safe Place - When we get stressed or angry, sometimes
we go for a walk, hide in our bed or pick up our guitar, because
it’s a place that feels safe. What or where is your “safe place”? Is
it a real, physical place like your home, your bed, your favorite
park, is it a place that you go in your mind when you need to
escape, is it an activity that calms you down like playing an
instrument or drawing? Why is it a safe place for you--what
positive memories do you have about it?”
“Soul - Here’s the dictionary definition of “soul”: “the
spiritual or immaterial part of a human being or animal,
regarded as immortal. A person’s moral or emotional nature or
sense of identity.” How would you describe your soul? Does it
have a color? Specific adjectives (happy, beautiful, ambitious)
that describe it? Tell The Beat about your soul. My soul...”
And finally, “My New Year’s resolution is….
In closing, we thank Inga for her kind words, we thank
you writers and artists who contributed to The Beat Within’s
first issue of 2012! Mad props to you all! We can’t express
this enough, but we do wish you all a great year ahead, and
we most definitely look forward to reading your entries and
sharing them with the world.
This issue goes out to you teachers/you writers and artists
who are open to learning and growing as you confidently express
yourselves and share with our community, while dealing with
the many obstacles, as you move forward with your lives. We
could not be The Beat Within without your words and wisdom.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 3
tables Tables of contents
The Beat Within, a bi-weekly publication of writing and art by incarcerated youth, is published
by Pacific News Service.
At The Beat Within, we go through a lot of trouble to censor inappropriate sexual remarks, foul
language, and gang references. There is enough tension in our commuities already–we don’t aim
to bolster it. It is in The Beat’s interest to promote peace and unity. Our goal is to educate one
another.
The Beat Within publishes the opinions and views expressed by the participants in our workshops.
This is simply the pure voice of the youth. The views you read do not necessarily reflect those of
the publisher, editor or staff. All rights are reserved. Nothing from this publication can be reproduced
without our written permission.
To our writers: What you write could be hazardous to you. Your words have consequences, and
could be used to incriminate you. Try to illuminate your feelings and viewpoints without running
the risk of providing ammunition for those who might use your words against you.
Co–founders: Sandy Close and David Inocencio
Senior Editor: David Inocencio
Program Director: Inga Buchbinder
Graphics/Layout Editor: Manen Pau
San Francisco: Pauline Craig, Oona Appel, Andrew Lopez, Anhvu Buchanan, Meg Escude,
Kirsten Dau, Arturo Aguayo, Israel Cisneros, Roxanne Caires, and Nora Dwyer
Alameda: Suzanne Manneh, Carolyn Goossen, Sheerly Avni, Peggy Simmons, Elena Berman,
Ryan Teixeira, and Michelle Wilson
Santa Cruz: Jill Wolfson, Dennis Morton, Gwendolyn Hubner, Kim Nelson, and Ainsley Blattel
Santa Clara: Sherman Scholten, Allison Horevitz, Megan Boyle, Christina Hanlon, Cynthia
Hanlon, Meredith Wheeler, Zach Holcomb, Jennifer McClenon, Inga Buchbinder, and David
Inocencio
Marin: Kathy Ellison and Pauline Craig
Solano: Inga Buchbinder and David Inocencio
Fresno: Mai Der Vang, Brian Costa, and Liliana Romero
Monterey: Sam Peterson, Brandon Swanson, and Sarah D’Amico
Los Angeles: Karen Hunt, Josh Parr, Jason Seaver, Lauren Foster, and Megan Beck
San Diego: Desiree Woods and Stephanie Morrison
San Bernardino: Jennifer Tilton and the University of Redlands
Riverside: Jennifer Boyea
Hawaii: Dina Brooks
Portland, Oregon: Deb Arthur, Portland State University
Washington, DC: Alex Moe, Messiah Ramkissoon and Khalil Abdullah
Bernalillio County, New Mexico Beat: Steve Serna and Lisa Santoyo
Dona Ana County, New Mexico: Voices Behind Walls - Lee Rhyanes
Tuscumbia, Alabama: Susan Pope
Our Volunteers In-and-Out of the Office: Annie Wong, Lisa Lavaysse, Julia Penrose, Jane
Robbins, Elizabeth Henlein, Stephanie Burnett, Amena Keshawarz, and Nancy DeMartini
Our Partners at Southern Exposure, San Francisco: Courtney Fink, Aimee Shapiro,
Michelle Wilson, and Meg Escude
Beat Supporters: The Beat Within greatefully acknowledges the generous support of funders
of Pacific News Service’s Youth Communications Programs – California Arts Council, California
Wellness Foundation, Christensen Fund, Community Technology Foundation of California,
Compton Foundation, Creative Work Fund, Cricket Island Foundation, Evelyn and Walter Haas,
Jr. Fund, Ford Foundation, James Irvine Foundation, Marguerite Casey Foundation, Marin
Community Foundation, The Nelson Fund/ Community Foundation of Silicon Valley, Germanacos
Foundation, Atherton Family Foundation, Morris Stulsaft Foundation, Nathan Cummings
Foundation, Oakland Fund for Children and Youth, Open Society Institute, Peninsula Community
Foundation, Philanthropic Ventures Foundation, S. H. Cowell Foundation, Children Youth Investment
Trust Corporation, DC Humanities Council, Morris and Gwendolyn Cafritz Foundation, San
Francisco Arts Commission, San Francisco Foundation, Shinnyo-en Foundation, W. Clement and
Jessie V. Stone Foundation, Stone Circles Foundation, Stuart Foundation, Surdna Foundation, The
California Endowment, Tides Foundation, Van Loben Sels/Rembe Rock Foundation, Vanguard
Public Foundation, Wallace Alexander Gerbode Foundation, Walter S. Johnson Foundation, Youth
Justice Funding Collaborative, the Zellerbach Family Fund, and individual donors.
Writers: Thanks to all the participants in our writing workshops. If you have any questions or
comments about The Beat Within, contact us at: 275 Ninth St. SF.CA. 94103 or call (415) 503-
4170 or check us out at: www.thebeatwithin.org
Table of Contens
Digital
Storytellers
Volume 17.01/02
Pieces of the week
Co-Pieces
of the week
Standouts
Alameda .................. 25
San Francisco ............ 35
Santa Clara .............. 41
New Mexico ............... 47
Marin .................... 48
Santa Cruz ............... 49
Solano ................... 50
Portland, Oregon ......... 53
Fresno ................... 56
Los Angeles .............. 60
Monterey ................. 61
Hawaii ................... 62
Impact Training, Ireland . 63
We would like to thank Stat
Delivery Service, Inc for their
generous support.
The Beat Without
16
Counselor’s Corner
From The Beat: When it comes to our moms, we would all
need way more than 60 seconds to express how much we
appreciate them. Sixty hours might be more like it… your
Mom must be so proud of you and all your achievements!
I Would Need More Than Sixty Seconds
I just want to thank you Mom for being there for me when
I wasn’t the best daughter you’ve raised me to be. I want to
thank you for helping with my children when I have nobody
else to help me.
I want to thank you for never stopping believing in me,
even when I stopped believing in myself. And also in order for
me to thank you for everything, I would need more than sixty
seconds. I love you Mom.
-Ms. Webb, Alameda County Juvenile Justice Center
4
5
25
64

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 4
features of the week
Features of the Week Digital Tuscumbia, Storytellers Alabama Volume 16.42/43/44
16.45/46
The Protector
Daddy don’t let me shed another
Tear, my eyes are swollen every tear
I let go are the days your not here next to me.
I need you here with me, it’s like
when a bird leaves its nest and can’t
find its way back home, but your the
baby bird this time that doesn’t come
home. I loved the way you used to
tickle me at night. I miss how I used
to feel protected knowing I had my
protector my caution sign that no one
can go through without you knowing,
now I cry alone
Now I lay here in my room making
my own puddle of tears missing the
way you used to comfort me, hold
hands and making that picture in
my mind a sculpture Daddy don’t let
me shed another tear, my eyes are
swollen.
-Carina
From The Beat: Thank you for this powerful poem. Is it hard to learn
how to protect yourself? Do you think that you dad gave you the skills
to be able to?
From The Beat: Our partnership with Digital Storytellers based
in Oakland, CA and the young people from Skyline High School in
Oakland continues into 2012. Here are a few brave poems from those
students.
These Words
I feel like giving up
Admitting defeat
To just get the sense of relief when the wave of all
My emotions crash over me and forces me to
Fall on my hands and knees
Begging for it to go away
To end and never pass through my mind again
Why did you have to make it this way?
Make me feel so out of place and awkward with
A sense of guilt that is much too strong for a
Nine year old to feel.
I’ve been so paranoid always constantly over thinking
Everything I do
The judgmental stares of others burn through my chest
Pushing my heartbeat into my throat
I refuse to let myself fall apart
I will not lose to someone so vile and pure you strangled the
life of the child within me
Left an empty shell only to be filled with hatred
For the confusion and love that seems to be
Something I will never let go
I’m so afraid to even write these words because
I could never hurt you.
-Meghan
From The Beat: Even though the person this poem is to is ambiguous,
we know it was an event that has shaped you as a person and as a
writer. We really love how you begin with the uncertainty you must
have felt before, but that you grow strong into someone who will
stand against the negativity,
Emptiness
Emptiness is something you
Feel or don’t because
You can’t you are consumed
By this darkness causing
You to stop and do
Nothing you don’t think
You don’t breathe you
Do nothing you just go
Blank wishing you could
Just forget the moment
You heard that shot
Only to see your friends
On the ground, blood
Gushing from their
Chest you call the
Ambulance but they’re
Not getting here fast
Enough she gets rushed
Off in the truck but
I don’t remember the
Rest because of the
Emptiness so maybe
I should say thank
You for making me forget.
-Marurica
From The Beat: How does emptiness feel? How can you get away from
it? What positive, useful things can you try to fill the emptiness with?
Do the images of loved ones hurt ever go away, or do they always
leave a hole?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 5
Pieces of the week
A Bully’s Teasing
You go to a new school
‘Cause you are the new kid
The school bully taunts
‘Cause the school bully taunts you
You feel alone
‘Cause you feel alone
You go and try to make a friend
‘Cause you are the new kid
No one wants to be your friend
Except a thug kid
He embraces you, so you feel safe
‘Cause you feel safe, you become a thug
Since you became a thug
The bully tries to fight you
Since the bully beats you up
And you’re a thug
You seek revenge with a gun
When you get a gun
You shoot the bully
Since you shoot the bully
You go to jail for life
-The Swagg Kidd, San Francisco
From The Beat: What has inspired this amazing poem, that details what
can happen when a bully terrorizes, beats up on a young boy, physically
and emotionally? The only way to stop this kid from fulfilling his fate
in your poem, is to convince the kid to let the bully know he can now
defend himself, but not to seek revenge.
I Am A Leader
Leaders are those who stand tall
Someone who won’t fall for anything
Not afraid to admit faults and fears
Driven and intelligent
Weak but motivated
A leader must first find understanding
Within theirself
A leader is both sane and insane
Educated yet ignorant
Accepting and receptive
A leader is someone who believes
And achieves
A leader falls and grows
A leader is someone who cries and fights
Someone who clearly sees but is blind
A leader is someone who is free
A leader is me.
-Ladii Kay’t, Alameda
From The Beat: This is great. Can you give us some concrete examples
of what, how and who you lead? Where are you leading them to?
This Feeling Won’t Go Away
The one thing that won’t go away
Is the feeling that I’ve abandoned my family and friends.
Every night when I’m in my room, alone,
I always think about how it use to be.
Sometime it makes me mad,
But I just can’t stop it.
Even though my dad comes and visits me twice a week,
I still feel bad for leaving him,
Especially since I am his only child.
This makes me feel bad a lot.
-Buddy, Solano
From The Beat: We truly feel your pain in this piece, and for that we
give you are highest honor – POW. Thank you for your truths Buddy,
we look forward to reading more from you. You have the skills to touch
many readers.
Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Sheldon And His Quest
For Lucky Charms
One day a boy named Sheldon decided to make a bowl of Lucky
Charms and sit on his couch and watch “Justice League.” As he
was about to pour his Lucky Charms, when Lucky the Lucky Charm
leprechaun came out the box. He told Sheldon that if he ever wanted
to eat Lucky Charms again he would have to go on an epic quest to
Mount Rushmore.
Sheldon was addicted to Lucky Charms and could not live
without them so he said, “alright,” and grabbed his sword out of the
closet. Sheldon lived in El Paso, Texas so he figured it would take a
couple days to get there. He packed a backpack with KFC, hopped
on his moped and was on his way. He didn’t know what to do on his
quest, and he forgot to ask Lucky. He decided he didn’t care, and
went as fast as he could to Mount Rushmore.
It took him two days to get there. On his way he battled a
Cyclops and killed it with his sword, and he beat Forest Gump in his
race across America. When he arrived at Mount Rushmore there was
a sign that Lucky had put there telling Sheldon where the golden
lucky charms were. Sheldon went into the cave where Lucky told
him to go and he saw the Trix Rabbit.
It turns out the Trix Rabbit was mad at Lucky and stole his
golden lucky charms. Sheldon cut off the rabbit’s head and got the
golden lucky charms and gave them to Lucky.
-Josh, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is such a funny, imaginative story! We love it! How
did you get the idea to combine breakfast cereals, movies, and Mount
Rushmore? Keep being creative and keep writing!
Saved!
It’s too late to be saved. With all that I’ve done there is no way I’m
going to be saved. I know my God will never forgive me no matter
what good I do from here on out.
It’s easy to say God saved me while I’m locked up, but to be
honest we all know it’s not true, ‘cause as soon as we get our
freedom back, what do we all do? Go right back to drugs or thieving
or what ever bad we were doing before we were so call, Saved.
In the end what does saved mean to me? To be honest, I don’t
know any more. I know one of my boys saved me from a bullet. I also
know this group saved me. The Beat Within helped me look at my
life and the lives of all the writers I read. Now I know I’m not alone,
so for me I guess I was saved a little by this group you all call The
Beat Within.
-Alone, Bernalillo, NM
From The Beat: It’s good to hear that The Beat has made a good impact
in your life, but you’re wrong about being saved. It’s never too late to
be forgiven. Give it time, and ask for the forgiveness your looking for.
Glad and Staying Strong
Well, today I’m just writing on how I’m feeling. Even though I’m facing
three to six years it’s okay because I’m accepting accountability as a
man for what the law says I did.
The reason I’m glad is because I got my mom out there and she
is at least trying to support me. Also, my lil sister which I’m proud
of. Dang, she just had a concert the other day playing the flute! I’m
happy because she’s doing things I never did or even think of doing.
I just don’t want her anywhere near here, you know. But yeah that’s
why I’m glad.
Also, I’m ready to get out and just go do my sentence and get
home. I’m just staying strong until that day I’m free.
-Strong-Minded, Santa Clara
From The Beat: We’re glad because you wrote us such a positive piece
that’s full of energy! It sounds like you found a good way to cope with
doing your time: you accept your accountability and at the same time
count your blessings. Are you also using this time to think about how
you want to make sure you won’t end up in juvvy again? What are your
plans for when you get out?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 6
Pieces of the week
Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Drug Free Rap
It’s happening more and more each day, as drugs are making my
friends crazy.
I’m laying it down, don’t bring it around.
I used to see my buddy Mikey looking all depressed.
I guess that he was in some major test after class.
We used to go and play some ball. He was fast and surpassed us all.
But after a while I saw him playing less and less.
He was looking more depressed and stressed,
So one day after class I took him aside and said,
“Tell me what’s going on, babe, are you alright?”
He said, “I got some issues with my folks that I can’t resolve.
No need to stress you out, or get you involved.”
So I put it to him, that he started smoking weed,
And the answer that he gave me really made me grieve.
He said, “Yeah, once in a while when I need to mellow out. But I’ll
be alright.
I’m not the one to worry about babe. You gotta get some help.
You’re ruining yourself, you got greatness ahead of you.”
“You ain’t like everyone else,” he said. “I promise I’ll be fine.”
Then he gave me a kiss, so I trusted him, and hoped that he
would soon understand.
A couple of months went by and he got worse and worse, like he
had gotten cursed.
I hoped that he would give up, then one day he asked me for a
couple of bucks.
He said, “I need to pay a friend, and right now he’s stuck.”
I said, “I know you’re smoking crack, and I know that for a fact.
Now you’ve gotta get some help babe, don’t even try to back
down.”
I gave him the cash, and he promised that on Monday he would
meet me.
I finally got the call that would defeat me completely.
In eight days, he died of a drug overdose.
It was the saddest day ever, ain’t nothing ever come close.
I hate them drugs.
I hate them with all my soul.
It chokes the young and the old man.
Their bodies are cold!
I don’t care if you’re a player, or want to be a thug.
While I Wipe My Eyes
I’m screamin’, “The hell with the world,” while I wipe my eyes
‘Cause I still can’t accept the truth, that Bonezzy really died.
Plus, I just caught another case, just for protecting mines
And, my wife’s about to give birth, and create a life.
God damn, I’m tryin’ to hold my head.
But, I’m only sixteen, and the DA want me in the feds.
Like, he can’t see I keep a heat, because they want me dead.
And I already got hit up, and stained the concrete red.
I put that on the cred.
I roam these streets, paranoid, because my life’s at stake.
Don’t let the tap confuse you, that I’m not still walking
straight.
It’s just that people walkin’ ‘round, hopin’ to see my face.
And I witnessed a man die young, just the other day.
Man, I’m steady being judged from the outside in.
I bet the DA never took a bullet for his friend.
Or even heard the gunshots that brung his cousin’s end
‘Cause, if he did, he’d understand the reason that I’ve sinned.
-Yung Punch, San Francisco
From The Beat: If you’re in street drama so deeply you carry a gun,
won’t the disaster continue? You have our hearts for your cousin’s
passing, but do you honor him when you use him as a reason for your
sins?
Don’t ever come close to drugs.
It’s happening more and more each day.
These drugs are making my friends crazy.
I’m laying it down, don’t bring it around, cause I ain’t doing
drugs.
On the morning of his death, I was angry and sad that he fell in
this mess.
My dad, who had noticed how miserable my soul was, came over
and said,
“I see you’re carrying a boulder. I know that I’m older,
But let me tell you something that I’ve never told before.
Your sister, she was the pride of my heart.
As a father we were never far apart.
She was a popular girl, always on top of the world.
Never scared to try nothing.
She would give it the world.
But she had low self esteem, if you know what I mean.
It only takes a moment to devastate that dream.
She started hanging out with this girl from school.
Her grades went down, and she started breaking rules.”
She didn’t want to waste it, until one day she came home totally
wasted,
And her friends told us she was close to being arrested.
She put her foot down, and we forced her to get tested.
She tested positive for drugs, but there was something else.
The doctor asked to do more tests to check up on her health,
And then came with news that would totally defeat me.
She used up all the needles, and she had gotten HIV.
It was vivid that moment, and I was devastated.
I’ve always lived with it man, and it’s still vivid.
She died five years ago, nothing I could do.
The Lord had helped us with this pain that I felt, with tears in my
eyes.
I gave her a hug.
May God give you strength to keep away from drugs.
-Najonay, Fresno
From The Beat: Your rap is real and honest, and reminds us never to take
for granted the precious value of life. Drug abuse is a sad, painful addiction
that can lead to other life-threatening issues. Keep writing, keep rapping,
keep sharing these stories.
Old Memories
When I went to the Big C for vacation, my parents’ hometown, a lot
of things happened. At the airport, I remember playing with my toy
and dropping it, so I went to pick it up, and somehow got my hand
stuck in the escalator, and the whole airport made a line to yank
me out.
When I was there, we went to a waterfall, and I jumped in
impulsively and started to drown, and my uncle had to save me.
Back at the house, I was the height of a doorknob, and I backed
into it. My head was throbbing painfully, but I thought I was okay
until I walked in the bathroom and saw a puddle of blood. I got
scared and didn’t know whose blood it was, ‘til I found out it was
mine.
I remember eating a dog after we cooked it. It was crying before
we knocked it out. I was crying, but that’s normal around there.
We mixed cat, turtle, and rabbit to drink some supposedly healthy
soup. I ate reindeer, too. Frogs, turtle, rabbit, cockroaches, snakes,
and other bugs were daily food. I was four years old, and life was still
good.
-Goldilocks, San Francisco
From The Beat: Is the Big C, your parents’ home country, China? Do you
miss China? Have you ever been back? What has happened in your life,
that may have caused it to be not so good? How can you make it better,
the way you want it to be?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 7
Pieces of the week
Streets
The streets just won’t go away;
Violence around the neighborhood won’t go away;
The habits of smoking and fast money seem to not go away.
In and out of the hall, new cases seem to not go away;
My cousin’s brains splattered on the curb seem to not go away;
The gangs and retaliation seem not to go away.
It would be cool to walk out of my house not feeling like
someone’s after my head.
I always have to stare at all the cars passing by and look over
my shoulder everywhere I go.
I wish to have a better life then what I do.
But for some reason it won’t change, the partners I have they
just won’t go away.
-Smooth, Santa Clara
From The Beat: First, you’re a really beautiful writer. Thank you for
sharing this. Second – your situation, while it sounds hopeless, is not.
There is always a way if you have the will. Seek out help from adults
you can trust: teachers, school counselors, anyone! Demand a safe
place in the world for yourself and you will find it.
Faith
It won’t go away,
Not even for a day.
I try to fight it, but it stays.
My fire never goes astray
So I try to play every one around me
Who I refer to every night
Before my eyes close
I pray that I’ll make it through another day
I dug my grave, but I tell myself it’s ok.
I look back and see how bad my life has decayed
So I wonder will I reap while I plunder
Let down from another.
Whether it’s my sister or my mother
From father to my brother
But just have faith stay straight
Keep your head high and never
Take the bait.
-Maili Boy, Honolulu, HI
From The Beat: You are on the right track—having faith, including
faith in yourself to do the right things. Don’t beat yourself up for past
mistakes, but, rather, learn from them.
Cold Parents
Dear mom,
Why are you so cold towards me?
I just want your love.
Why do you despise me so?
I try to please you, I try to help you.
Why are you so cold? Why do you hate me so?
I want your love, I want your acceptance, I want you to never
leave me.
But you push me away, you shut me out.
I love you and I wish I didn’t, I can’t let you go.
Every day you’re killing me more and more.
Do you like to hurt me? Do you want to see me cry?
I won’t let you see that, instead I’m going to love you with all
my heart.
I’m going to be the person you can’t, then I hope you will love
me.
-Alex, Santa Clara
From the Beat: We’re sorry to hear that your parents are being cold
towards you. As you wrote, your actions have the potential to change
the relationship. No matter what, never doubt that you deserve to feel
loved by your parents.
Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
My Love
My love is true to you my boo.
Hope you understand that you are one of a kind.
Girl you stick like a photo in the depth of my mind.
I never speak of how I feel.
I always prove that I’m real.
Because there ain’t no better than to say for real.
Girl there’s bad and worse.
And for you, of course, I’ll keep it straight up just to make a
quick buck.
I love you girl, that ain’t no lie.
You should know that in my head you’re my ride or die.
Girl this is real talk.
I’m letting you know this ain’t just a feeling.
It’s just the way I’ve grown.
I love your personality and that’s reality.
Wrote this rap with no profanity.
Check it.
I don’t curse, it just makes my rap worse.
So I’m going to keep it one hundred with you baby.
I’m only rappin’ this to you because you’re a sweet lady.
From your head to your toes.
There ain’t anyone close.
Just remember baby.
Keep your head up high.
-Smiley, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You have such a talent! If you have not shown your
girl this piece yet you really should. We encourage you to keep writing
amazing pieces like this one.
Thanks In Sixty Seconds
I would thank my mom for always being there for me. In the bad and
the good I know she would do anything for me to go the right path.
And I would do anything for my mom because she is the one that
gave me my life.
-Edna, Los Angeles
From The Beat: Yes, we know exactly what you mean when you write
this! It would be great to tell your mom how you feel. Good job!
Gone, But Still There
My mind wanders every time I think about the word “brother,” and a
day that changed my perspective on everything that I used to stand
by, and what I stand by now.
I remember it as the perfect day gone, and a day of darkness
taking its place. It was the first summer where all my brothers were
together for the first time in my life.
It all started with two of my brothers getting into a fight with
some kids, and my brothers smashed on them, and then they ran to
a car and left. I remember everything as a haze after the fight, and
after, my third oldest brother dragging me and throwing me in the
back of his Jeep Cherokee, and locking the doors to the car. Then
he went back to stand by my older brother, and little did I know that
that was the last time I saw him full of life.
I fell asleep, only to be awakened by the squeal of tires and a
couple gunshots. I looked over and saw the most horrifying sight of
my life—my third oldest brother being dragged back to our car with
blood seeping all over his shirt. I remember screaming at my third
oldest brother, telling him to wake up, and then falling asleep when
I could not scream any more.
Up ‘til now I feel extreme anger at the people who killed my
older brother, and implementing the mind of blood and death into
the mind of a ten-year-old. Seven years later I still have it, as clear
as a movie in my mind.
-Chetter, Marin
From The Beat: The image of your brother being killed must be hideous,
and must haunt you. If his death has any influence on why you’re in
juvy now, can you just live your own life as productively/honorably as
you can, in respect to his memory?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 8
Pieces of the week
Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
A True Leader
What’s cracking Beat? This your boy Maniac coming from the
max. I believe everyone is born a leader, they may not know it, but
they are. Even my enemies are leaders. But it all depends if they
lead in the wrong or right. I ain’t be leader, but I’m sure as hell not
a follower no more.
A leader in my eyes is my Dad. He always told me what’s wrong
and right, but I didn’t listen. He put his kids before anything, even if
we yell at him. I feel bad for all the shhh I did and now I know I got
the best Father I can have. He’s my leader and my hero.
-Maniac, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Why don’t you consider yourself a leader? Take some of
the characteristics that your Father has as a leader to become your own
leader. Have you told you Dad that you think he is the best Father and
that he is your hero? We should definitely let him know! Any parent
would love to hear something like that from their child.
The Massacre Of El Mozote
What’s good with The Beat? I just read some mainy book. It made
me look at things in a different view. It was about a massacre that
happened in El Salvador during their civil war. The USA funded the
war by providing weapons for the Salvadorian Government. When
the Salvadorians had the upper hand, the USA doubled the financial
aid.
The guerrillas had in control the area around El Mozote.
That’s a place close to the mountains. I think the Salvadorian
government pulled an operation called “Rescue.” They went to a
village and massacred, like, 700 to 800 people. The cold part is
that the government sugar- coated it, and said the bodies there
were guerrillas. It’s grimy, because the people they killed were all
civilians. According to the book, they separated the women and the
children and the guys. They killed all the guys, then they grabbed
all the young girls and women and took them to another little valley
and raped them. Then they killed the little kids. It’s messed up,
because they decapitated all the bodies and burned them.
When the USA went to do an investigation, they went off what
the Salvadorian government said. This happened around 1981.
Eleven years later or sometime around there, archeologists went
and found the bodies. That’s when the truth came out. If you want
to learn more the book is called “The Massacre in Mozote.”
-A Reader, San Francisco
From The Beat: Great book report. 75,000 people were killed during
the twelve-year-long civil war. One woman, Rufina Marquez, survived
the El Mozote massacre by hiding under a bush. She saw her children
killed, and told everyone what happened.
One Photo
One photo I would want is a picture of my mom, dad and myself.
The reason is because both of my parents got deported. To tell the
truth, I forgot how my mother looks because she’s been gone for so
long, and my father because he’s always been there for me.
My parents did a good job while they were with me. What I
would want from them is for all of us to be together again and go out
to a park and just talk and have a good dinner together. I haven’t
really sat down with them and had a talk with them like people do
every day during dinner.
Every single day that passes I think of them because they were
the most important people in my life and now I can’t see them or
hear from them any more. Now, if I really think of it, I won’t be able
to see them again or hear from them because I don’t know where
they’re at. That photo would have meant a lot to me because I would
remember how they look.
-Swiss, Santa Clara
From the Beat: Words can’t fully express how sorry we are for this
situation. The Beat hopes you are able to hold on to the memories of
your best times with your parents—one of the best ways to do that is
by writing them down!
You Haven’t Lived My Life
I’m just so misunderstood. Why can’t nobody relate?
That if I walk the street without a piece, my life is at stake.
I ain’t a killer, I’m just tryin’ make sure I see one more day.
So, if somebody get to clutchin’, he’ll go away.
‘Cause if he gets to what he’s reaching for, I might be the next.
With my picture laminated around somebody’s neck.
I could care less about a rep; damn respect.
I’m just a young man on a fight to not lose his breath.
I know from the outside in, I might just look like a thug.
But, really, I’m just a kid on a look for some love.
Fear of being shot again, got me grippin’ the snub.
I swear to God I ain’t ready for my grave to be dug.
So, don’t look at me with disgust, you haven’t lived my life.
You never almost bled to death while your best friend cried.
You never heard a nurse say you’re lucky to be alive.
So, unless you understand me, ninja, goodbye.
-Yung Punch, San Francisco
From The Beat: Many in juvy feel they need a weapon for self-defense.
But doesn’t a gun give all of you a false sense of protection, to allow
you to go into dangerous territory, where you wouldn’t go without
one? Won’t people get hurt and die, if anyone panics, shoots? How,
without a gun, can you protect yourself?
My Safe Place
When someone gets me mad I like to take a drive by myself and go
to the woods. I just walk and start thinking of things. I wonder
things like: if I were dead or had never been born, how would people
or the world be different without me. So, I think the safe place for
me is in the woods.
-Marcial, Santa Cruz
From The Beat: Wonderful piece Marcial. And we love it that you find
your special place in nature – the mother and father of us all.
Life Is Like A Game Of Dice
Life is like a game of dice
As you try to hustle through the nights
You can crap out, die or get paralyzed
People get traumatized
It’s a cold game, that’s why many have left it
I’m a troop in the field, always goin’ to rep it
It’s a hard mission, don’t ever forget it
Sucker free is how we kept it
You don’t want no part of this, take my advice
In Cali, thugs be shooting, like a daily exercise
Snitches don’t be telling lies
They be squealing worser than mice
Reduced time is the only thing in their minds
As the bullets fly, you hear the mothers’ cries
Even though people pray to Jesus Christ
A lot of people going to hell
Lots of people serving twenty-five to an L
It ain’t hard to tell
That some gettin’ paid in the paper trail
You already failed
‘Cause you pushing slower than a snail
Moving quick, I ain’t trying to get nailed
Get the hell out there, hunting
‘Cause the thugs out there, thugging
Always kept it real, while these suckers be fronting
Always be loyal, free the thugs
-Shooting Dices, San Francisco
From The Beat: Terrific poem. Do you think the dice game of life is
rigged against you and yours? If it is or isn’t, have you already lost one
throw, that brought you inside? How long are you willing to gamble
with your own freedom? Life?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 9
Pieces of the week
Storm And Lightning
Characters: D’Easy: The Storm, Age twelve, Male
Shockey: The Lightning, Age ten, Male
Setting: In New Orleans, in the projects, there’s flooded houses
and broken cars and a lot of hail everywhere. It’s cold and windy
in abandoned houses. There’s bad pollution, and people are dyin,
injured and hurt.
Time: Summer, one PM.
At Rise: D’Easy is over the top of the neighborhood and Shockey
is striking houses.
D’Easy: Shockey, we need to stop doin’ what we doin’!
Shockey: What you talking ‘bout, bro?
D’Easy: I’m talking ‘bout the disasters we causin’ here in these
streets!
Shockey: What you mean? You want out or something?
D’Easy: My parents told me it’s my last strike. I can’t keep
destroyin’ the place, or they goin’ to leave me.
Shockey: For real, bro? Why they on you like that?
D’Easy: They want me to make a change. We ain’t doin’ nothing
but tearin’ our community apart.
Shockey: What you talking about, a change? All I know is to
knock stuff down. That’s what my father taught me to do.
D’Easy: I’m tryin’ teach you how to change, how to make our
place a better place for the both of us!
Shockey: You trippin’, bro. I ain’t tryin’ to change right now. We
been doin’ this since we was two years old.
D’Easy: I know we been doin’ this for so long, but I don’t want my
parents to leave me, like your parents left you.
Shockey: (Angry) Don’t bring my parents in this. You bein’ selfish
right now. Only thinkin’ ‘bout what your parents want for you.
D’Easy: If you don’t stop, I’ll have to end this friendship, and I
don’t want to do that.
Shockey: End this friendship? You the only family I got left!
D’Easy: I know. That’s why I want you to make a change, like me.
‘Cause that last hurricane we caused almost caused my parents
to leave me.
Shockey: Storm? Please! You know you like doin’ what we do.
Knockin’ buildings down, tearin’ things apart.
D’Easy: I know I like doin’ what we do, just ‘cause we been doin’
it so long, but when it comes to my loved ones, it’s a different
story. My parents don’t like it, and I don’t like the fact that they
goin’ to leave if we don’t get our acts together.
Shockey: What I got to do with your parents leavin’ you?
D’Easy: ‘Cause you’ like my brother, and my parents are like your
parents, so they want the best for both of us.
Shockey: So, bro, how we goin’ change? (Sarcastic.)
D’Easy: I really don’t know. How we could make it rain a little bit,
or a little breeze here and there, or something? We could even
make it snow or something. Instead of striking lightning and
windstorms and stuff.
Shockey: (Being funny/sarcastic) Uh, that’s cool, too. But doing
what I been doin’ brings me closer to my father.
D’Easy: I know you miss your father, but you can’t be just
Powerful
A gun can be more powerful in a violent way and a pen can be more
powerful in a non-physical way. You could just pull the trigger of a
gun and kill someone on the spot.
The pen could write something down and it could be used to
snitch on someone. It can also cause emotions and feelings. You
could really hurt someone with it. Say you write your girlfriend
a letter and hurt her. That’s how it can be powerful. Or if you’re
talking to a counselor and they write down what you say, they can
give it to a judge and that could affect your future.
-Ronnie, Santa Cruz
From The Beat: Excellent, Ronnie.
Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
following in his footsteps, destroying stuff. You need to put
yourself in your own shoes.
Shockey: I ain’t got nuttin’ to remember my own father from, but
the ways he showed me. He showed me how to strike, how to be
violent, create forest fires, ways to create a static charge. He was
the most destructive Sun in the world, and I want to be like him.
D’Easy: (Shaking his head) Aight, brother. What you want to do?
You want our relationship to end, or you want to be friends?
‘Cause we goin’ to need to choose today.
Shockey: Brother, you sound like you want to end our friendship,
or something.
D’Easy: I’m the closest person you got right now, and we both
watched your parents leave when you were fire. Leave you with
nothing but bad choices. I ain’t sayin’ I’m your dad or nothin’, but
I’m tryin’ to teach you good choices in life.
Shockey: I know you ain’t my father. You’ my brother. What can I
do to make this place a better place for us? How lightning goin’
do New Orleans any good?
D’Easy: You can create positive energy and benefit the plants. You
can light up New Orleans at night when there’s a black out, or
something.
Shockey: People know me ‘cause what my father did. Bro, today
the perfect day for us to create the biggest hurricane, bigger than
Katrina, then we can get recognized for being the biggest disaster
in New Orleans. I need you to back me up on this one. This could
be the most powerful one we ever created.
D’Easy: You a hardheaded little spark! If we go through with this,
then we over. I really love my parents and I wouldn’t do nothin’
for them to leave me. I love you, too. I don’t want us to split apart,
but they took care of me, taught me good from bad, and now it’s
time to stop. You sound like you scared to change.
Shockey: I don’t know. What is change? I see you, you happy with
your family. You got everything I don’t got. You know how that
make me feel? Every day I be thinkin’ ‘bout that. That I really
want to be a part of your family.
D’Easy: You is part of this family. Just because your connection
with family isn’t as strong as mine, don’t mean they don’t love
you. They want you to change, that’s showin’ love right there. My
family is your family.
Shockey: I never thought your parents had love for me the way
you sayin’. I thought they only thought about you, and what’s
best for you.
D’Easy: You trippin’ out, little bro. Dang. What’s wrong with you?
Shockey: I’m tellin’ you, I need some help right now. Makin’
a change, it ain’t that easy for me to make a change, like you.
‘Cause you was taught wrong from right, and I was just taught
wrong.
D’Easy: Tryin’ to teach you, lil bro. So, let me help you. So, is you
willin’ to pick me over your father’s dream?
-Denzel, San Francisco
From The Beat: Amazing, excellent, terrific drama. Your characters
personify a main controversy so many of you free and in juvy, deal with-to
listen to any destructive “big homies,” versus your families, who try to
make your home communities decent and safe. How does Shockey respond?
Newborn Son
This is my second time being in here. I am away from my newborn
child, and he is the only one I am thinking of. I wish things were
right with my son’s father, but only time will tell. My son is the one
I’m focused on.
When I get out this time, I have to go to school and do everything
I’m told to do. I will not mess up this time. I can’t be away from my
son again, because it’s killing me inside.
-Donna, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You’re right that only time can tell with relationships.
However your relationship with your child is one of unconditional
love, and we are proud that you can recognize that!

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 10
Pieces of the week
Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
In The Wrong Neighborhood
Let me tell you about these boys from the neighborhood next
over. One time I was walking with my girlfriend through their
neighborhood, where I wasn’t supposed to be goin’, and then my
friend started screaming out their neighborhood name. She’s from
the next neighborhood, further away. They was like, “What, beezie?”
They was like, “You beezies got to get up out of here.”
I was like, “Oh, no no no no no, no disrespect.”
They started chasin’ us. Then we started runnin’, and my friend
fell, and I didn’t know whether to keep goin’ or stop. I kept goin’,
because I didn’t want to get beat up by no next neighborhood over
boy. My friend, they stretched her, grabbed her by her hood, dragged
her back and forth, and then dropped her, kicking her.
I took off runnin’, and I made it off that street. I did a circle and
started runnin’ back down the street, to where I’m from.
She called me some moments later on her phone. “Girl, why
you leave me? Why you let me get beat up?”
I was like, “Girl, I’m sorry, but I just can’t get no whippin’ for
you, not now.” Then she was like, “Forget you, then, you phony.”
I’m like, “Okay, oh well.” Then we were--there’s no point in our
beefing. We’re like, “Why are we beefing for?” so we cool.
-Taylor, San Francisco
From The Beat: Were you in a neighborhood that your community was
beefing with, because you deep down don’t want to have to live by
those rules that say who you can be friends with and who you can’t?
Do you wish you could all be friends? Great idea!
Fatal Flaw Attraction
I’m not sure if this is love.
Too many drugs and parked cars in alleyways to kill all the
pain.
I think there’s holes in my palms.
Not including the ones in my arms.
Even though it’s all gone.
I’m still fiending for all the drugs.
Maybe one day all will be gone.
And all the needles will break in my arm.
There’s a wall of all the things I used to see in my dreams.
A hazy look of smoke in the air that depicts all my fears.
Baby, won’t you just go away.
Leave me the heck alone.
I cannot do this anymore.
Leave me alone.
-Jesse, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is a very powerful piece, Jesse. What do the holes
in your palms and arms mean to you? What do they signify? How can
you learn to see through the smoke?
My Hell, No Freedom
A time when I opened my eyes, just like that snatched from
reality.
Contained in a cell of hell, no freedom, no life, placed in here
against my will.
Then I moved down the hall to a different hell.
I hate it here I need to go home where I belong.
I miss my right to life.
I miss my freedom without having to put up a fight.
Some desire, others admire.
I want to look up at the sky and watch the birds fly then I too
will be free.
Until then here I am trapped in my hell.
-Misti, Portland, OR
From The Beat We love this neat poem! We can tell you must have put
lots of thoughts in it, and we understand how you feel about your
current life. Try to appreciate things positively. The “hell” can help you
see “freedom” more clearly, right? Carry on, express: yourself through
lovely poems like this one. We know you can make it!
Real And Fake In The ‘Hood
Why do some people try to act smart, when they really dumb?
Get at me wrong and ask me questions, like where I’m from?
I’m from a project where everything move too fast.
Where soldiers get in all black, and let off some gun blast.
When you hear them shots, some man got hit for his cash.
Or he got dumped away, like trash.
So, tell me, did you read anything that was funny?
Because that’s what all the ‘hood is hungry for, is money.
Homies picking and choosing, trying to find what fit.
Choosing to be a student, but trying to be with the shhh.
I don’t get it, so someone remind me.
Speaking like they get money, but knowin’ damn well, they’re hungry.
Don’t try to be true to someone else, just be true to you.
If you be true to yo’self, then everything will be cool.
-Young Ba, San Francisco
From The Beat: Excellent poem. You have an insightful mind, a
beautiful heart for the poor. Maybe they think it’s prideless, shameful
to admit they’re hungry. Do your neighborhood elders help the young
get jobs? How can you help them, and yourself?
Ignorance
It’s the same thing everyday.
Some people will die and others will pay.
Some are incarcerated and some just don’t play.
Some sit like pigs and do nothing all day.
And in just a minute some will be whisked away.
Some sit in power deciding what we should do,
Thinking of the benefits they can get from me and from you.
Some will just cry because they can’t afford good.
Their kids stay hungry and won’t hesitate to shoot,
Or hit a lick on a house trying to find a lil loot.
Some fight with their parents for the things that don’t matter,
While others wish they had some, or some higher power.
All around the world girls sell sex in their teens.
And everyday there are younger dope fiends.
Most people cry, others beg, but some plead,
For a better life that the one that they lead.
People take for granted what some just don’t have,
And that’s why, today, I’m still so mad.
-Giant, Santa Cruz
From The Beat: “Knock out” poem, Giant. Better yet, it’s a giant poem,
Giant. We share your anger. The question we have for you now is: what
will you do to make things better. Anger at the injustice is only the
first step. Talk with us about this.
The Recipe To Mistrust
First, heat the streets to high degrees
Then you blend the crooked cops
On the blocks where thugs meet
Waiting as their pockets try to eat
A fat bundle of green cash
Then you mix a scene, with police running in a dash
If no one tells nothin’, just whip them with a smash
Butter them with a planted drug stash
That wasn’t there before
You melt the minorities more
Out of the neighborhoods
But, before that, you cut their roots
So they won’t know who they are
Feed them a cold, mischievous chocolate bar
And teach them what you want
And strike them in the heart
-Shooting Dices, San Francisco
From The Beat: You’re an amazing poet. Is your own community like
this recipe of mistrust, fear, and potential disaster? Does it make you
confused? Suspicious of everyone? How do manage it?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 11
Pieces of the week
Saved
To all my friends and lovers! To everybody that I’m writing this letter
to, I want to let you know that I truly love and care about you. I want
to let everybody know that in this war of my world, I have a daughter
(Honey) and a son (Nathan). I never meant for them to be in this
world, but they are here now…
I’m seventeen years young, been in the system for a couple of
years now, not even caring what happens to me, but my family is
stressing and wondering what is happening to me. But for me, to be
saved, I honestly feel like somebody or something really has to be
an obstacle for me.
For an example, when my kids were born I felt horrible knowing
I’m still stuck to my varrio and to my mentality because if I really
wanted to change I would’ve already.
I have been using meth and heroin just as a way to ease the
pain. It does… it really does.. or for the moment.
No parents to really tell me from the start. The only thing that
stayed with me is the homies. The only tears that I’ve shed are lead,
and you’ll catch my “emotions” at the scene of a crime.
I’m in a shell case… The way I get rid of my pain, I try to yell…
the way I scream is through my pistol… well this is a small portion
of my life. Still hoping that some people can look at life and look at
this lifestyle and realize that it isn’t the way.
-Geavanny, Los Angeles
From The Beat: Although this is sad story and it might seem impossible
to get out of such a difficult situation, we hope you will continue to
reflect on how this situation came about in your life. Take the help that
is offered to you in programs and take your own advice—realize that
it isn’t the way.
We’re Not Just Young And Reckless
They say us kids nowadays are young and reckless, but they really
don’t know our side of the story and the struggle, and how it’s hard
to stay humble in this world, especially when it seems like everyone
around you is out to get you.
The friends you have in middle school turn frenemies, and
some youngsters don’t have moms or pops, so they look up to the
older homies in the ‘hood, and see how they move, and want to be
just like ‘em. We see the guns, drugs, and frenemies in nice whips,
and fall in love with the game. But the game don’t love us back, and
we find that out too late. We either in jail or dead.
-Fresh, San Francisco
From The Beat: It’s sad, tragic, when your friends turn into enemies.
Does the sight of weapons, drugs, as well as making you feel humble,
scare you to the depths of your soul? Since you’re alive, can you leave
the game?
Before My Self-Destruct
I finally found out what my self-destruct means. It means when you
do bad things like shoot and kill people, it comes back to you at
the end.
Like 50 Cent’s move called “Before I Self-Destruct.” He was
shooting and killing people through the whole movie and having sex
with a girl that was trife the whole time and her boyfriend got out of
jail and she set him up at the end and he got killed at the end of the
movie. That’s a good example of self-destruct.
‘Cause I did a lot of grimy stuff to my so-called friend. Like we
got into it and shot it out and then at the end he got grazed in the
face and I almost got shot in the face. But the gate saved me. But at
the end I got harmed ‘cause I lost two ninjas from pistol play.
So y’all don’t want to live the life I live. If y’all really doing it,
really movin’ mean. My self-destruct could get me and my family
killed.
-Casey, Alameda
From The Beat: You understand too well now the risks you have been
taking. What now? Is your life, your freedom and your family going to
come first? What are your ninjas going to say about that?
Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Where’s God, Mom?
How am I supposed to believe in Him?
My mom’s faith is strong. She tells me to believe.
But, why pray on my knees
When I see all He’s done for me?
All He’s done for my moms, especially.
I’m seventeen years old, with a damn ICE hold.
My older brother moved out of state.
He’s the only one of my moms’ sons
Who hasn’t disappointed her, not even once
Yet he left without a goodbye.
“Tell me where God is, Mom,” I want to say.
My mom came to visit me
And she told me, “Keep faith strong.”
Then she drops the bomb.
“Your brother is dying. The doctor says he has cancer.”
“Where’s God, Mom? Where’s God?”
She keeps telling me, “Keep faith,” because I have faith.
“Why believe, Mom?” I try to say. “Where the hell is He?
I’m not even a criminal. I go to church.
What the hell did I do to get deported?
My brother never committed a crime.
Why is God punishing him?
Is it ‘cause he’s gay, God’s taking his life?
Where’s God, Mom?” I don’t say a word, though.
I remember some words. My favorite quote is:
“Mother is God in the eyes of her child.”
I keep believing. I keep my faith.
-Dopio, Marin
From The Beat: Since you wrote this, you’ve been deported by yourself
to Tijuana, say your friends in juvy. They/we were missing you before
you even left. We hope you’re not totally alone. Your poem asks all the
right questions, and you deserve answers. We hope you find them, and
you can soon return to your family in the US.
Pirate
You steal my heart like a pirate.
You worked very hard at tearing me apart.
You worked to get me down.
You turned my smile into a frown.
Why did you get with me?
I got with you because I loved you.
And I thought you loved me too.
Love and compassion is what you lack.
You came in and steal my heart like a pirate.
-Evan, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Very nicely written. We can sense pain in this writing.
By letting the pain that you have inside will help you overcome
whatever feelings you have. We encourage you to write more for us
and yourself.
I Don’t Want It To Go Away
Something... That something in my head is a memory drifting in my
head. This memory is my brother’s laugh before he was stabbed to
death. It still flashes in my head and brings tears to my eyes. I wish
I was by his side when it all happened. He wouldn’t have died. But
the streets will handle its justice.
It’s crazy how I shook his hand and I didn’t know it was going
to be the last. But yeah, that’s a memory I want to fade away but
don’t because it may be painful but it’s happiness. Gotta go Beat.
-Maniac, Santa Clara
From The Beat: We are sorry for your loss. That is something that many
people will not forget if they experienced what you did. Remember all
the good times you had with your friend. Keep his memory strong by
sharing with others how great of a person he was. This memory can
also be a reminder that life can be gone in a blink of an eye and to
not take anything for granted. Share a memory about your friend. We
would love to hear it.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 12
Pieces of the week
Pieces of the Week
For Her
Us
Love
Lust
Pleasure
Desires
Touch
Feel
Like it
Need it
Disparagingly affectionate
Flirt
Do
I foray your lips
Fortitude
Despite of your ways
Nervousness
Me? Never
Only gallant
Not just a game that we play
But why show ignominy
To your friends?
Lost
But you’re still for it
I’m not illiterate
I know
I care
Don’t be scared
Volume 17.01/02
A Resolution
My New Year’s resolution is to change my life for the better; I would
just be lying to myself if I said I was living to my full potential.
Being in jail on the holiday’s is a true eye opener. I can’t explain the
feeling. My daughter deserves her father.
Before I got here, the way I looked at life was all sideways. I
thought my actions only effected myself, but all in all my actions
hurt my family and most of all my daughter. On the outs I always
had a thought in my head, that I was hard, but I am truly scared and
not willing nor ready to spend eight years off my life behind bars or
at least that’s the latest plea bargain. I feel as if I failed everyone who
about me more then I failed myself.
-Evan, Portland, OR
From The Beat: We are happy to hear that you are wanting to change
your life for the better, we are also sorry to hear that your daughter
will have to be without her father for the holiday’s, just do your best
and keep your head up and work your hardest to stay positive, we can
only hope for the best for you.
Pain
(Pain in my heart)
Can’t get it out.
So many pains, don’t know which ones to talk about.
Been down the wrong path too many times.
The streets so black it’s like I’m blind
I need some guidance in my life
No more wrong turns, only right.
Pain in my heart
It’s really eating me alive.
Parents telling me to never stop
The strive,
Get this pain out my heart
I need some light instead of dark.
-Darrion, Los Angeles
From The Beat: Some good description here. Turn that corner and find
the light—let that be your next piece of writing!
Ignore it
Quit looking for that, you know…
Let it find you
I’m lecherous
So are you
But not to all
I feel the ground move
Shake
When we get to that point
It’s your heartbeat
Propensity to feel for me
I see it
I love it
It’s feeding me
You wanting me is reputed
Not righteous
But feeling rightful
Right in ways
Temptation strikes
And now
Give it to me
Make it ecstatic
I have effrontery
No lowness
You illustrious
You got it
I want it
It’s a chaos theory
The overture, though
Unpredictable
You see me
You stare with those strong eyes
Where’s trust
Most of all?
Hiding
Or a
Prisoner of war
Slave
Sometimes forgotten
You feel
The press of our flesh
Against one another
You’re seeping
Joy
Regret
Excitement
You want more
Don’t understand it
Don’t understand
You
And me, sometimes
My confusion is furtive
I have a zest for you
I feel in awe towards you
-Christian, Portland, OR
From The Beat: We think that is quite a tribute
to whomever you wrote this for! Fantastic use
of words in how you put them together. Keep up
the great work!
These Memories Won’t Go Away
Reminiscin’ on my past and all the places that I’ve been,
These memories won’t go away, like a scar that’s on your
skin.
A lot of things on my mind, use to resort to getting’ faded,
Many things that I’ve been witness to, no I can’t escape them,
Lingerin’ on these bad memories up in my head and
Thinkin’ of the folks that I’ve lost, their memories embedded
in my heart, never forgotten, even though they may be gone
Forever, livin’ in my heart, these memories will go on
And whether they’re good or bad, I’ll remember them day to
day.
In this life that we live - so many things won’t go away.
RIP to all my loved ones.
-Lil Nine, Solano
From The Beat: We love your writing, and to top it off, we love when
you read your work aloud in the writing workshops, for all of us
to absorb/feel. You truly have surfaced to become one of The Beat’s
favorite writers.
The Safe Place
Being locked up is a safer place
Than up in the outs with a gun in yo’ face
It’s the life that I chose, it’s the life that I live,
I hope God can forgive for stuff that I did,
I’m a product of my environment, but I wish I wasn’t
‘Cause out on the streets is where they killed my cousin
I’m always being watched by rivals and the cops
I miss my block, but I feel safer in this box.
-Grizzly, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is good piece of writing, Grizzly. And we think
you’re right, your environment shaped the way you think and behave.
But, you’re getting older and you do have the freedom to make different
choices. Of course you miss your home but do you really want to live
this life? Being watched all the time? Tell us about your thoughts on
this. We’d love to hear more from you.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 13
Pieces of the week
My Nephew, Myshawn
My nephew, Myshawn, died in his sleep from infant sudden death,
when he was only five months old. He was my sister, Myeika’s, only
child.
When I was out with my nephew, I was around him, holding
him, feeding him, changing his diapers, just making him smile, and
letting him hear music that I listen to. When he cried, I would give
him his pacifier or give him a bottle, or let my sis hold him. I would
smile at him, rub his belly, tickle him to make him laugh.
I would take him in the front of my house, so he could see the
girls. They would be on him tough. He would also sit on my lap while
I’m playing “Call of Duty” or “Madden.” When I would be around and
he was crying, I would pick him up and he would be real chill, and
nibble on his fingers, and make baby sounds.
His dad went to jail when he was three months. His dad loved
him. We would sit around, watch TV, listen to music, just the three
of us.
He was five months when I went to jail. During the whole day,
he was not eating anything, and when he went to sleep at two PM,
he had trouble breathing. At eleven PM, he died.
My sister was a wreck. I was also furious, because I wasn’t
there to support her. I never saw him again, and my PO didn’t let me
go to his funeral.
-Money Vern, San Francisco
From The Beat: We’re so sorry about your baby nephew’s passing. You
were a tender, loving uncle. Don’t you need to be out, home with your
family, even if it means you can’t do whatever brings you into juvy any
more? It’s time.
What’s Goin’ On?
What’s goin’ on in the streets besides violence?
You step outside the house and all you hear is sirens.
You can’t go to the park and just have fun, ‘cause always
violence involving a gun.
What’s goin’ on, there’s never any peace. Not when you’re
here or in the east.
-Jeremi, Alameda
From The Beat: Great piece! What can we all do to help obtain more
peace in our communities?
Whatever It Takes
When I’m in jail I feel like a caged animal, even though I made the
decision to get myself locked up behind a blue door that I know I
can’t come out when I feel like it. I’ve been stressing very much for
myself and family because I know that my family are not doing good
when I’m in here, and I can’t help or talk to them when they are
stressing. It sometimes makes me want to cry because I’m headed
for a downfall. Even though I try to do my best to do right, to show
people I’m not as bad as I act when I’m around my friends or family.
When I get home I’m going to do my best to stay in school and
get my high school diploma, and get a good job, because I want to
make something of myself. Some of my family members say I’m a
messup and I’ll always disgrace them and myself because all I do
is smoke weed and hang out and go to jail and I never learn from
my mistakes. I play football for a Catholic High School, and could
make it to college, but I make bad choices. I wonder if I can do it.
Sometimes my girlfriend says she knows I’m good and can make
a good life in real estate, which is mainly my dream, and I will do
whatever it takes to accomplish my dreams.
-Devian, Alameda
From The Beat: Of course you can do it! You have talent and intelligence,
and it shows from your writing that you’ve thought long and hard
about what it is that gets you in trouble. But making changes is hard
to do alone. Do you have positive peers, and coaches, teachers, or
family members you respect who can support you, and who believe
that you can do well if you want to? Most importantly, do you believe
in yourself?
Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
The Challenges in Today’s World
Man, as I sit up in a cell thinking of all the things I’ve been through
in my life, from both good and bad, it’s not even a joke. I’m seventeen
years old, about to be eighteen as I sit here and realize the trial
and tribulations of what I could be facing in my life is crazy. The
pain and suffering I’m putting my family through because of the bad
decision I’ve made.
I have been coming to this juvenile detention facility since I
was thirteen years old. I’ve been in your shoes and I know how it
feels to get to missing your family. I know how it feels not to be
called up for mail. I know how it feels not get a visit, and to sit in
your room with nothing to do, but to think about things that you
never thought you’d catch yourself thinking of. I know how it feels
to only take a three to five minute shower, and to wear somebody
else’s clothes. To be told what to do from people that you don’t even
know and people that most likely don’t care for you, or even want to
try to help you or guide you down the right track. I know how it feels
and I understand.
Think about all that for just one second.
Do you even want to be going through this (criminal justice)
system? I can tell you all now, that none of you want to be going
through these situations, and I already know it’s a lot of challenges
you face out in society. But in order to change, you got to switch up
your style of living, including the friends you hang with, and start
accepting responsibility in your life.
Stop doing things the easy way, just take your place as a young
man and women, instead of moving too fast for things that’s really
worthless in your life. Stop presenting yourself with a bad image,
because that could only get you so far selling drugs, doing dope,
prostituting, and robbing people, is only going to come down to
death or life behind bars. You can only get so many chances and
sometime none at all.
That’s really the sad part to see young people waste their lives
for the dumb things. Don’t let it get too late to finally open up your
eyes to realize the open opportunities that you have of getting an
education. Best believe I understand as a young teen, school is not
your motivation, and you rather be doing other things, but stop
while you can. Take the advantage to get all that you can get in the
line of success. Make it for yourself and make your family proud
of you. Don’t ever think you can’t amount to becoming somebody
because of your past.
Remember this, no matter how hard things may get, never
give up until you make it to the top. Don’t let the thing you been
through keep you from standing strong. Let all the things you’ve
been through make you smarter and wiser in life, as a young lady,
and young man. I’m not saying anybody changes within a day, never
that, it takes time.
I hope everything I’ve said here will hopefully give you a second
look at life and you live life for what it is worth. Stop living in this
big lie, and start living in the truth of reality. Stay with a positive
attitude and strive for your dreams and goals in your life. Stay
dedicated, motivated, and determined to be successful in life, don’t
let being a criminal mess that up for you, because there is so much
in life than that.
Thank you for listening (reading), keep standing tall, always
with your head up
-Baby James, Solano
From The Beat: You deliver an awesome read! We know you are a
teacher at heart, and your words in this piece speak volumes. We hope
Beat readers will find your words the motivation we find them to be.
I play football for a
Catholic High School, and
could make it to college,
but I make bad choices.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 14
Pieces of the week
Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Mad Parents
One time my mom was mad at me when I got suspended from school
the first time. She was so mad. She made me stand in the corner so
I could think about what I did. Then she made me clean the dishes
and my room. She took my phone and video games out of my room.
I asked her why she was so mad at me. She said because I don’t
want you to end up like your older brothers, in jail doing time and
disobeying her rules. When she told me that I thought to myself,
what could I have done differently. Then I wondered what would
have happened if I had let that kid hit me and not do anything back
to him. Would I have got in trouble still? No, but would other kids
have made fun of me? Yes.
So I told my mom what I was thinking and she said you
shouldn’t care what the other kids think about you. You’re there to
learn and make something out of yourself. So then I told my mom
sorry and it won’t happen again.
-Tuandre, Portland, OR
From The Beat: It’s a tough lesson to learn in not giving others the
power to control your actions or reactions to cause you to get in
trouble. Some questions you could ask are how you could avoid being
in a situation like that so you don’t feel the need to defend yourself,
or better ways of getting out of that situation without feeling like a
victim. You started that process with asking what you could have done
differently, keep going. No doubt you may end up in that situation
again so better to determine now how you will handle it. You’re on
the right track.
Mike Mike And Bernard
What’s up with The Beat? Man, it’s been three years since my goon,
Mike Mike got hit up. Man, I remember the day he got hit with fat
.40. It was all on Facebook. It was hectic. You know what was the
worst part is? That the people that said they was going to rock for
him, didn’t. All they did was make a rap group called Surf Squad and
start rapping about surfin’.
Also, recently, my ninja, Bernard, got hit with fat Tec-9 in the
spine, and now he in a wheelchair. He wasn’t with the beef, he was
soft. He played football for Thurgood. He was raw as wide receiver,
but at least he still is alive… for now. Hopefully, he don’t get caught
getting pushed around, ‘cause he can’t slip no more, because he in
a wheelchair now. Gone.
-The Swagg Kidd, San Francisco
From The Beat: Your friends are suffering, being wounded, and dying.
Where are you in all this? You seem like you have a good perspective
over the drama your friends are going through, so how can you stay
totally out of it, and build a new life?
Juvenile Hall Saved My Life
I been saved by comin’ to jail. This opened my eyes because the
stuff I’m doin’ is wrong. I don’t like bein’ told what to do. By that I
mean, takin’ showers and goin’ to my room.
Jail really saved me. I hate bein’ here, and by that I mean I’ll
stop doin’ crimes to come here. It saved me because I didn’t know I
could read, half as good as I can. I’m ‘bout to go back to school, play
sports. I have been lettin’ the streets get the best of me. Thank you
juvenile hall for saving my life.
A true leader is made, not born. Because a leader can be
anything from selling dope to goin’ to work. Being a leader is
whatever you make it, you can be a leader in many ways. Anybody
can be leaders. I am not bein’ a leader to my lil brothers right now. I
am not bein’ a good leader by bein’ in here.
So now when I get out I’ll have to lead my lil brothers in a
better way, school and sports things like that, good things making
my mom, aunties, grandma, and all my family proud. I don’t want to
lead my lil brothers to these walls.
-Yae, Alameda
From The Beat: Crazy huh? You come to Juvenile Hall and discover
all these talents and inner strengths you didn’t even know about.
Congratulations, now tell us more about your plan for success when
you get out!
Ink The pen is my blunt and my mind is the lighter
See I inhale the ink that creates the writer
Spittin’ knowledge that will motivate the young to inspire
My lips gives birth to a new breed of poetry that will never
expire
See my wisdom grows old but will never retire
As the ink flows through my blood stream my mind span
grows wider
Light the blunt again and get higher
Quickly my vocabulary game gets tighter
I exhale the truth that will soon transpire
Coughing out bits and pieces of quotes that will make the
young look wiser
Lyrics trapping people like the web of a hungry spider
From a spider my flows transforms into a tiger
No more ink in my blunt so this is goodnight.
-Tommy, Alameda
From The Beat: Great extended metaphor all the way through this
piece. It’s funny because in the long run, a real blunt takes away the
will and fogs up the mind, while your lyrics do just the opposite: They
motivate, and they clear the mind, and make us want to do better.
Nice job.
Highlights of Life
I’m explosive like a bomb - boom!
Gotta live my life to the fullest ‘cause
Soon I’ll be restin’ on a tomb
I wish I could restart my birth
So maybe I could do some justice to this earth
Make my mom proud and give her calls
Like “you need anything?”
Instead of “Mom I’m sorry I went down”
I live my life with no regret
Either in the team or I’m rockin’ to the neck
On the real I just want to go home
I’m tired of cleaning my room and using these weak pay
phones
Man I miss my moms her hugs and love
In hear when you stressin’ you gotta take it the glove
Nothing in here is good
I remember them younger days when it used to pop in the
hood
And I can’t forget the jets
It used to be in young bug rockin’ to the neck
Now we in bigger shhh, stackin’ chips and getting ‘paid
And everybody wanted to be a fresh prince
Chillin’ late night rockin’ fresh kick
Somethin’ when I think of myself I get so sick
Cause I know I could’ve prevented this shhh
So now I have to think of the future
And stop worrying on the past
But every time I talk to my mom she’s like you a complete
dumbass and that really hurts
But I don’t trip ‘cause I know how she feels
But she gotta understand, I hit licks for tha’ papa’,
Never for the thrill
And I hope I’ll earn
But it would make me feel better if she showed some concern
on her only son
And now I want to give up my criminal ways ‘cause even
though I lost this battle
As soon as I told myself, I have to improve myself the war was
won.
-No Name, Alameda
From The Beat: Terrific poem, but we couldn’t figure out from the
handwriting who wrote it! Next time be sure to put your name on
your work so you can get the credit and respect you deserve for such
wonderful writing.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 15
Pieces of the week
Alone, Not Lonely
Yeah I’m alone: I’m on my own and no shoulders to lean on
Came in this world solo and I’m goin’ to die on my own
Since when do they make caskets that fit two
That’s why I’m alone, never rockin’ with a crew
Yeah friends is cool from time to time
But I never get attached ‘cause time is time
And time is money
The next man ain’t gon’ get me nun
Gotta get it on my own or I know I ain’t gettin’ none
I’m on my own best friend it took a while for me to learn that
I’m my own best friend ‘cause I know I got my own back
I choose to think alone and stand on my own too
‘Cause that’s what a real man is supposed to do
Yeah, I’m tryin’ to man up, can’t depend on the next man for a
come up
Gotta put my sneaks to the pavement and chase this come up
But it’s hard when you fallin’ without a come up
I listen to my family and keep my head up.
Little voice tellin’ me I’m alone and my time’s up
Yeah I’m alone, not lonely, I know I got me and me only.
-Kinsha, Alameda
From The Beat: Great writing, Kinsha, and what a powerful description
of that moment when you realize that you are your own bottom line.
It’s important to be independent, but also important to have positive
people in your life whom you can trust -- do you have that outside of
your family?
Life
Fitness cart I have no chances,
Armed robbery with a gun enhancement,
Got me heading to pen.
It’s kind of crazy because yo’ boy still a kid,
This the life that I live,
Not the one that I chose,
So I’m going to try my best to pave my own road,
And make it out the driveway,
Somewhere by the highway,
Leave it all behind and start living life my way,
Touring the world taken first-class flights,
New city every night,
Not worrying about cops everything’s all right,
Because I’ll earn it all,
Dream big and go hard never learned to fall
I’m going to make it on TV you heard me dawg.
-Ab, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You’re a good writer, Ab You got a good rhythm to your
words! Now tell us more about this life you didn’t choose. Now is the
time to choose a life you do want, right? How are you going to get all
this you’re dreaming of? And why do you want to be on TV? We’d love
to hear more…
My Soul
Growing up from the age of eleven I started to smoke weed and
drink, and as time started to pass I felt as if I was losing my soul.
It wasn’t so bad at first, but then I started doing other stuff. Before
I knew it my life was out of control, and I was in a place I could not
turn back.
By the time I turned sixteen, I was lost. I didn’t know if I was
coming or going and I didn’t care anymore. I walked the streets
knowing I didn’t care if I lived or died. I didn’t care who I hurt or if I
hurt myself. I was at a point in my life I lost my soul.
Now I am working on getting my soul back, but I don’t’ know if
I’ll do enough good to make up for all the bad I’ve done.
-Alone, Bernalillo, NM
From The Beat: One question, do you feel better now that you are
doing good acts or did you feel better doing the bad acts you did? That
is what makes the soul feel better, and only you will know.
Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Miracle Man
I remember at twelve when I really started bangin’, I grab my
strap, my gat and started claimin’
I left my house and headed straight to my block, met up wit
the homeboys that were smokin’ on chop
Then my OG was teachin’ me how to use a glock, he told me
“you gotta take it off the safety lock”
It was ten pm and we were night stalkin’, across the street
was a random dude walkin’
My older homie told me “to ask him where he’s from, and if he
acts stupid then use the gun.”
I walk up to him and asked him “where you from fool?” Then
he told me: “lil ninja go to school”
Then he asked me “isn’t it past your bed time?” Then under
my shirt I pulled out my glock,
I was twelve goin’ up to a ninja in his twenties, when he said
them things, he laughed like something’s funny,
I pulled out my gun to put him in his place, I can tell I did
from the expression on his face.
Then he replied “why? What’s the reason why you want me to
die?”
He sighed, “I don’t want no beef! I’m not doin’ anything but
walkin’ down the street.”
He looked at my heat and said, “no matter what you do, just
remember that I’ll forgive you.”
I told him to “shut up” and “don’t even move.” Then he stated
to me “what are you tryin’ to prove?
“You’re young, you got a lot to lose.” Then he looked at my
homeboy and said, “you’re just being used.
“They’re about my age why didn’t they come up to me? But
instead, they had you confront me.”
The things he was saying, it got me thinkin’, the words he was
saying, started to sink in.
He told me: “what now? Come on lil ninja just put the gun
down!
“If you do it, I promise I won’t say anything, and if you don’t,
give my girl this wedding ring.”
I put the gun down and put it in my waist line, he said “God
bless and don’t waste time.”
A cop rolled by just about the same time, ten seconds later… I
thought: oh my!
If I made that bad decision and didn’t listen, I’d probably be
dead or wasting time up in prison.
I’m seventeen and I can never forget that night,
I call him “Miracle Man” cause that man saved my life.
Thanks for listenin’ to a homeboy, Beat. (Based on a true
story but some parts embellished)
-Grizzly, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Wow, Grizzly, this is a pretty awesome piece of writing,
thanks so much! Very strong and well written. That man saved your
life and, thank God, you let him live too. What would you say to young
kids who are in a situation similar to the one you were in when you
approached this guy on the street?
This the life that I live,
Not the one that I chose,
So I’m going to try my
best to pave my own road,
And make it out
the driveway,
Somewhere by the highway

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 16
co-Pieces of the week
Co-Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Forgiveness
I forgive what you’ve done
All the things you’ve become
The fire in my eyes was first fear
I remember the times I would cry out in rage
Dreaming I wasn’t trapped in this cage
You left me all alone
By myself with nothing to hold
But I forgive you, I know you care,
So why aren’t you here?
I know you love me
So why don’t you hold me?
I ask these questions as the time flies
Wishing my mom wouldn’t say goodbye,
Why would you leave me here to cry?
It’s ok, I forgive you,
I understand it’s not your fault.
The only way for me to love you is to forgive
Forget, and simply hug you.
Even when you push, even when you fight,
I’ll always love you with all my might.
-Tony, Santa Clara
From the Beat: We’re glad to hear that no matter what, you won’t give
up on your relationship with your mother. Forgiveness is one of the
most mature traits a person can have, and it’s great that you’re making
such an important choice.
Saved
Dear God, save me from all my sin.
Push them away and don’t hover.
Let them come back and if they do
Stab them in their back
Make them go to hell
And never come back.
-Ivan, Honolulu, HI
From The Beat: You are clear that sinning is no longer part of your
path. Each time there is a temptations, you can remember what you
wrote here, remember to do the right thing.
Too Much Truth Can Burn
You turn up my fire
And you burn me with your flame
Fire and desire, and we’re both to blame
You ask me to be honest, but, baby, too much truth can burn
When I’m with you, I can’t sleep, and without you, I feel the
same
These two insomnias are driving me insane
The pain in my heart can’t be solved with painkillers
And, baby, I hate this feeling
Your body got me fiendin’, and I miss your sweet taste
Rainy nights ain’t the same anymore, and without you, I feel
lost
This world is getting cold, and I can’t make it on my own
Hold my hand, baby, and we will get through these days
I promise to put a smile in your precious face
April 2009, remember the day when we kissed in class
You were holding my hand real tight, then you whispered in
my ear
“I love you,” and after we both got kicked out of class
I will always rock our promise ring, no matter what comes
down
You’re my man, don’t ever forget that
-Lupe, San Francisco
From The Beat: When someone you love asks you to be honest, do you
think it’s better to reveal your intimate business or keep it to yourself?
Has someone’s honesty ever hurt you? Is anything nobody’s business
but yours?
The Burglary And The Ring
I hated my last court day. As I was talking to my lawyer he said
they were trying to give me two strikes but I wouldn’t have it so
I told him to try to get one dropped, so he goes and asks the DA.
He comes back and tells me they dropped both of them and I was
getting released!
So I go in the court and the victim was in there. The victim got
up in front of the whole court and said how his kids got traumatized
and are afraid to stay home alone. He also begged me that if I could
get his wife’s wedding ring it would mean so much to them, not
because of the price, but because of the memories that they had
with the ring.
When he was done I guess the judge felt bad and postponed my
court a week later so that she can decide if I’m getting released or
if I’m going to the ranch, so now I’m locked up again waiting for my
next court date.
-Palafox, Santa Clara
From the Beat: We’re sorry to hear that you had such a tough day
in court. However, it’s great to hear you be so honest about your
past actions. This kind of honesty is important, and it shows a lot of
character.
Saved
I think I got saved one day by one of my ex-girlfriends. One day I
was walking to her house, on drugs and drunk, and I was getting
followed by a rival gang. My lady had called me and asked me where I
was, and I told her I was not going to show up because I was trying to
surprise her. She knew I was drunk and she didn’t like me drinking,
and I hung up the phone.
I was still being followed, and when I hit the street corner by a
7-Eleven they got down and started to jump me. I got hit with a bat
in my ribs, but they didn’t break they just got bruised. But my lady
was already driving around looking for me, and when she saw a lot
of guys jumping someone she stopped her car and knew it was me.
She started screaming, “stop,” and they ran in their car and left.
She saved me ‘cause I could’ve been killed or stabbed. That’s all for
today.
-Tony, Santa Clara
From The Beat: It definitely sounds like your ex saved you. How did
that experience change you? Tell us more!
Saved from a Bullet
Man, one way I can say that I was saved was from a bullet. I was
walking down the street and was way too high for my own good. I
was with the homies and a random car passed by and about thirty
to forty shots were fired from four different guns. I could have been
dead if it was not for my big homie. I would have been gone.
I froze up from the sound of so many gun shots, he grabbed me
and pushed me to the floor. It was God that made him look at me so
I thank both of them for saving me.
-T, Los Angeles
From The Beat: Wow, that’s an incredible story! We’re thankful that you
are alive to tell it!
What Won’t Go Away
The thing that will never go away is the scar on my hand. I really
get irritated when people ask me what happened and I really don’t
like the scar. It’s weird and will never go away. It really won’t go way
because every time I look down I see this weird scar on my hand.
Every time I shake someone’s hand, I think of the scar. It just would
be really good if I just went away.
–Herbie, Los Angeles
From The Beat: This is like the beginning of a story. You have made us
curious about this scar. How did it get there? We would love to know
more about this scar. What does it represent in your life? What does it
remind you of that you wish it didn’t?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 17
co-Pieces of the week
Can’t Turn Away
Something I wanted to run away from was my sick alcoholic mother.
Something I still can’t turn away from is the one I loved--my father.
My mom would leave us abandoned at home with no food on the
table to eat. I remember at age four my heart, with anticipation,
would beat as she blew weed in our face. We thought it was fun at
our age.
She beat me every time I peed. I would cry, “Please mommy,
don’t hit me.” She would go with many other guys. That is the
reason my sisters and brother have different dads. She has told me
so many lies that even now I feel like a ticking time bomb as mad as
hell. The police told us we’re going to a foster home. My mom didn’t
act like she cared even though we were confused and scared.
My dear God sent my grandma to take care of us. I stood there
watching as my mom got handcuffed. I was saved by my grandma at
age five. I was so happy it was her. I’m glad I was able to live my life
and that I have her to look up to.
-Brittany, Los Angeles
From The Beat: This is a good piece of writing that makes us feel your
heartbreak. We’re so glad you have your grandma. Follow her wisdom
when you go home!
Teen Mom Struggles
Having a baby is a real crazy experience. As a young teenage mother,
I will tell you the truth and nothing but the truth. It is the most
painful experience ever, but once it comes out, it is all good- until
you want to go to sleep, every single time the baby will make sure
you stay up. As the child gets older it takes everything you have. If
you don’t like to share you better learn now because you will always
have a smaller shadow.
-T, Los Angeles
From The Beat: We like the descriptive image of the small shadow.
You’ve done a good job of telling us how you feel being a young
parent—and we are sure many others can relate to what you’ve said.
A Dad Who Came Back
I would like to thank my dad, because even though he left for a while
in my life, he came back with all the love and apologies he had.
My dad has been a big impact in my life, cause he’s been
through it all. He was on drugs just like me, but he recovered for
himself and my sisters and I. When he came back he never stopped
loving me until this day.
No matter what I’ve done, he was still there for me and that is
why I want to thank him, for leaving my mom who chose drugs over
us. I want to thank him for not leaving all of my life, and for doing
anything he can to change, and be there for me. I will never thank
him enough for what he’s done.
-Miranda, Fresno
From The Beat: Your dad’s story is powerful, and is an example of the
positive changes that can happen in a person’s life. How can you use
his story of hope to turn your own life around?
Changing the Cycle
What won’t go away from my life even though I try hard, is coming
back to jail. I get released and within a month I’m back in awaiting
my court date. I hate being busted but there’s nothing I can do
‘cause when I’m out, all I think about is putting in work for the
varrio, smoking weed and kicking back in the hood. This time when
I get released I’m going to try hard not to come back and change the
cycle of something that won’t go away.
-Scrappy, Los Angeles
From The Beat: It sounds like you love your life in the varrio. There is
a whole world beyond that is just waiting for you to discover it. Give
yourself more options, more choices. Tell us in your writing what those
options might be.
Co-Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Anger
Here we go once
Again. Another one
Of my dreams in
The wind.
This is too many
Times my heart
Is being broken
You told me, don’t
Do it you said
Drugs are not
The way
I was a young
Child you got high
And told me
FORGET IT
GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY
And to this day
I haven’t been
The same I
Tried to maintain
But instead I
Chose to gangbang
I wonder what would my life
Have been if I didn’t go
Outside that evening.
-Tasia, Los Angeles
From The Beat: Very good writing. One hard lesson we learn in life
is that the actions of a moment can affect us for the rest of our lives.
You have expressed this powerfully here. You went out that night. We
all have moments that we look back on and say to ourselves, “if only I
hadn’t done that, if only…” But we did do it and forever after we must
face the consequences of our actions. However, life goes on and we
still have the chance to make BETTER choices, to learn from the past.
That is what we hope for you!
Listening
If I could go back in time I would have listened to my mom and family
because if I would have listened to my family I wouldn’t be in this
mess right now. I would have been out getting my life together—
working, finishing high school, etc. I wouldn’t be here wasting time,
I would be taking time to do different things that would actually
get me somewhere in life. I would be building a house with bricks
instead of building it with sand, which is what I’m doing by being in
here and not out there.
-Temper, Santa Clara
From The Beat: The last line of this is extremely strong. It’s important
to create a strong foundation (with bricks) instead of with sand. It’s
not to late to create a strong foundation, and it’s never too late to
finish school!
Stealing
I have stolen a lot of money from my sister. I needed money to buy
drugs. I am really ashamed. I was a teenager and to be honest I
didn’t feel bad at all, but I almost got caught a few times. Every time
my sister would ask my brother and me, I would lie and say I didn’t
know who did it.
I have stolen several thousand dollars from her. Now I am
eighteen years old and I look back and feel so bad. I want to tell
her I’m sorry but she will just hate my guts. It’s best not to say
anything. Stealing from family is worse, stealing from your parents
is the very worst. It is not the same as stealing from a stranger,
stealing from a stranger is better because your family is not getting
hurt.
-J, Santa Clara
From the Beat: This is a tough situation to be in. Is there a way you
can tell your sister without her becoming upset? For example, you
could earn back the money you stole from her and give it back. We
hope you’re able to resolve this situation.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 18
co-Pieces of the week
Co-Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
My Favorite Dish
My favorite dish is blackberry cobbler. My grandma is so good at
making this dish at Thanksgiving. I’m not sure if she has ever
shared the recipe. I hope though that one day she’ll show me.
The blackberries she uses, she always sprinkles cinnamon and
sugar on them. I like helping her make cobbler, it’s so much fun.
Every year after I make cobbler with her, me and all eight of my older
brothers make cookies and it is a lot of fun.
-Monique, Portland, OR
From The Beat: Yum! Very detailed description. Thank you for sharing
with us. We think she will show you the recipe one day so that you can
make the dish for you grandchildren! That recipe is full of love, maybe
that is one of the reasons why it is a tasty dish! Learn it and share the
love with others! Hope one day we can get a chance to have a taste of
ones you made!
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Out of all the sugary treats I’ve gobbled up in life, my favorite so far
are the great Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. The way they combine just
the right amount of chocolate and peanut butter in a single round
piece of candy lets the treat melt like butter in your mouth.
The sensation is electrifying as it is the most delectable thing
you will ever taste. The first time I bit into one of these jagged-edged
wheels of pleasure, my eyes rolled to the back of my skull in sheer
ecstasy.
To illustrate, the candy is circular with jagged triangular edges.
A shell of delicious chocolate encases a soft creamy core of light
brown peanut butter. The shell has the slightest bit of crunch,
followed by a waterfall of delectable softness in a perfect blend of
texture and flavor.
It’s been a while since I’ve had one but any length of time is
too long to go without having a Reese’s peanut butter cup. If you
haven’t had one, then you haven’t lived and I truly pity you. Go get
one, experience the greatest sensation of senses that you’ll ever
experience.
-Tanner, Portland, OR
From The Beat: Wonderful detail! We could taste it!
I Need More Time
My heart is in pain
But the time keeps moving
And I keep trying
But I’m still losing
I need more time
That’s all I ask
And is it true
The world moves fast
I just sit around
And watch my life go by
Some people move quick
And I wonder why
I hate alarms
I don’t need a clock
Just wishing
Time would stop
Some stuff
I didn’t get to say
But if you think about it
Life is this way
-Serena, Fresno
From the Beat: We are sorry to see that you have this perspective. You
are so young that you could change all of these things drastically for
yourself.
Almost All, Do I Regret
Regret is a lonely companion
Its hands are cold; its worlds, empty
Empty whispers, what might have been
It taunts me with the foolishness of my lies
So much regret for my lies that hurt him
But there is one lie I will never regret
The lie that allowed me to love him
-Briana, Marin
From The Beat: Was your whole relationship with this guy basically a
lie? Or, if you lied to someone else about him, and/or about yourself
to him, would telling them the truth make things right? You may feel
humiliated, but cleansed and relieved later.
Shot
I can’t get over the time when I have got shot. I can still remember
the blood and me running because I was trying to find someone to
help me. I was shot on my right side of my chest with a .32. There
was a person shooting towards me, but not at me and he hit me.
I didn’t have my gun at the time so I had to run. I ran down
an alley and my vision was blurry and I was losing control and I
collapsed. I woke up in a hospital with balloons hanging around my
bed. I was half dead for two days and woke up on a Thursday.
-Amari, Solano
From The Beat: We’re so sorry to hear about this, we’re sure it must
have been very traumatic for you. What did the pain feel like? Do you
still feel that pain or is it a different kind of pain?
Conflicts
My sister and her husband adopted me when I was eight years old.
Now that I am older and about to turn eighteen we fight so much and
most of our fights turn into actual fights.
There was a time when I asked her if I could be with some
friends after school because it was one of their birthdays and she
told me I couldn’t. I didn’t care. I still went with my friends and I
got home about nine that night. I was trying to open the door, but
they had the chain locked. I was so mad! I was yelling and cursing
till finally they came to open the door. I just remember us yelling at
each other so bad and then the fighting started.
I think we lost a lot of respect from each other ever since. Now
I’ll never be able to have that “sister” relationship with my own
sister. Maybe when I get older we’ll forgive each other but right now
there’s too much that has happened.
-Kellie, Fresno
From The Beat: The situation you describe was fueled by
miscommunication and tension, and probably could have been avoided.
You still sound defensive in your writing – try to use this time at the
JJC to think about how you express yourself and communicate with
others. Is there any behavior you can adjust to help get along with
your sister?
It Won’t Go Away
For me, it will be the pain.
Livin’ life with no regret,
Livin’ life in vain.
I try to distinguish what life is about,
But it just won’t go away
To see yourself dead in a dream,
Is to see life as I have seen.
These nightmares never seem to go away
As it should, just as life goes astray.
-Jacob, Honolulu, HI
From The Beat: Most everything we face in life can be dealt with, can
improve over time. Much of it has to do with out attitudes, what we
choose to do with our pains, our fears. You CAN make peace with life
and what it brings, even though it does take an effort at times.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 19
co-Pieces of the week
We All Want Peace,
But Chose Respect
Violence and madness won’t go away.
Every day, every second
People experience this beginning, and there’s no end.
It won’t go away. Peace is what we all want
But at the end, we all chose respect.
It won’t go away--the teasing, bullying.
To this knucklehead
It’s a joke they won’t regret. It won’t go away.
But myself changing will make my way there!
-Young Promise, Marin
From The Beat: Whether teasing, bullying, is a “rite of passage”
where kids test each other on their way to wo/manhood, is it any
teen’s challenge to find a way avoid, work around it? Counter, manage
it, without hurting anyone back, like ignoring the person, or using
humor?
My Mom Never Gave Up
My mom had a big impact on my life. She was the one who always
tried to lead me down the right path, but I always chose the wrong
path to go down. I always thought she didn’t care, but the truth was
there the whole time. She always cared even when I put her though
so much.
It just made her love me more because it let her know that she
has to help me when I fall, but she always told me to live out my
dreams. She would always say she didn’t have it as easy as I do, and
she wants me to take advantage of the help people are trying to give
me because the things people are trying to help me with now will
help me in the long run.
So the reason I would pick my mom is because she never
gave up on me. So I will never gave up on myself. My mom is my
inspiration to do good with my life.
-Shayna, Fresno
From The Beat: It’s wonderful that you have such a loving and
supportive mom that provides guidance. Do you have specific plans to
keep yourself on the right path once you’re home?
Better Now
I’ll be getting released in two weeks. I can’t wait because my lady is
at my pad lonely and waiting for me to come home. I feel really sad
because I never thought something like this would happen to me. It
was crazy. I was just at my pad one day with my babe and everything
was all good. We thought it was just another good day in the hood.
Suddenly someone is knocking my door. I was worried because I
was on the run and we had a lot of weed out on the table. I hear some
lady’s voice saying “Where’s your sister?”
My PO said “Yuridia come out. Put your hands behind your
back.” I came out. When I stepped into the living room my mom,
little brother, my lady, and my older brother were there with three
probation officers. My lady looked at me in the eye. She said, “I
love you.” I looked away from her. I started walking and I started
shedding tears. I got inside my PO’s car. I made my call to my mom.
Then I was like “man how did this happen?” I was very
depressed because I recently found some things out about the
people I trusted. One time, I couldn’t stop crying in my cell because
I couldn’t believe she would do me like that. Eventually, I got to
thinking and got over the situation. I decided to be strong and move
on with my life. Things happen and only God knows why.
But hey I will always stay positive. I won’t let anything bring me
down, because I’m a better and stronger person now.
-Baby Face, Santa Clara
From The Beat: What a scary day you wrote about! We are proud that
you can keep a positive outlook on the future and let go of the past.
You did a really great job using descriptive language and quotations to
make the story come alive. Excellent work!
Co-Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Jail for Thanksgiving
It was so hard to talk to my whole family on the phone. Everyone
was mad at me because it was not a good Thanksgiving without
the whole family being there. I felt bad hearing my family have so
much fun without me, everyone saying I miss you and when are you
getting out, are you going to do good this time and not go back.
It was so hard not being able to talk to my little sister and
brother when I wanted to. It made me feel like a bad person hearing
my little sister crying and saying she doesn’t ever want me to leave
her and the family again. And seeing my mom when she came to see
me on Thanksgiving, knowing she wanted me to come home with
her and celebrate thanksgiving with the family.
-Twandre, Portland, OR
From The Beat: We understand it must be hard to spend Thanksgiving
in detention and away from loved ones, however, it definitely sounds
like you have an amazing family worth being thankful for! We hope
that when you do get out, you show your little sister, that her big
brother is home to stay!
Soul
I would say my soul is a bunch of different things; at certain times I
show different attributes. I think I cover a lot of stuff up with humor
because growing up I was kinda taught to be a man. You don’t show
fear or sadness. But another thing, I think underneath I’m a really
caring person.
-Anonymous, Portland, OR
From The Beat: We think you’ve likely spoken for a lot of people when
you say that. Living up to others expectations can be really difficult
and make you feel like you’re not being true to yourself. It took a
great deal of courage to write this to us and we appreciate it. Be
strong, be caring, we believe in you, thank you for sharing!
Alone
When I get stressed or angry I like to be alone. I don’t have a specific
place I like to be at, as long as I’m alone. I don’t want anyone to be
around me or talk to me because I don’t want to take out my anger
on anyone and hurt their feelings.
When I’m alone and away from everyone I start feeling better
and eventually forget about my anger and stress. That’s my safe
place, being alone.
-Juan, Santa Cruz
From The Beat: That’s a wise and kind reflection on your behavior. We
are impressed.
I Was Saved
Before I knew it, before I will be hurt, I was saved!
Before all the sins that would’ve put me in the grave
From taking them pills, forgetting about family
And going to the raves.
I will be saved.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Trust me, I had thousands.
And all I messed up.
It was so hard to get up,
But things will change because I will be saved.
Days have passed, things have changed.
Knowing that my life has been rearranged
From the life that has been insane
Because life isn’t no game.
So I thank God I’ve been brave
And that I have been saved.
-A-Kid, Honlulu, HI
From The Beat: You can see that, through your efforts, you an change.
You won’t fail as long as you have faith, including faith in yourself.
Yes, everyone deserves a second change. So, give yourself, and others,
that chance. You can do it!

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 20
co-Pieces of the week
Co-Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Change
Change is an everyday part of life. We go through it every day. Some
changes are good. Some changes all bad. Life is based off an action
reaction ‘cause every action has a reaction. Everything we do effects
the environment we live in. It affects everything and everyone.
When someone does something positive, or negative, it creates
a change. We respond to our environment through emotional
reaction. We have ways of relating to one another through the
thoughts in the mind. When we feel something it changes our
perception and our surroundings. Life is full of change.
When you want something to change it will. If your life is
hard and you want to change, don’t give up because it will come
eventually. Be patient and stay hopeful. We all have something we
want in life. We all have goals. If we struggle in life it just means
we’re working on a long-term change. When we fail at something it
builds us up stronger and stronger.
Life is full of ups and downs. Obstacles get in our way everyday
and make life seem difficult. We need to focus on that change and
work towards it. Change is all a part of the road to success.
-Daniel, Solano
From The Beat: What an inspirational piece, and full of such good
insight too! How did you come to all of these conclusions? Did you
learn from mistakes? Did you just have time to sit and think about it?
I Know I Can Do Better
Uhm... I’m just about to write about whatever comes in my head.
I’m wishing I was anywhere except for where I am. I don’t blame
anybody for me being in here except for me. I had the opportunity to
make a better decision than I did, but hey, everybody messes up, but
this is just a minor roadblock on my way to success.
I read a quote from Booker T. Washington and it said success
is not measured by how many things or how much money a person
has. It’s about how many obstacles a person has went through to
get to success. When I get out I’m just going to apply myself more. I
already know that I can do better. I mean I’m used to doing well. It’s
not like I live a life of crime.
I’m used to getting good grades and not being in trouble, but
you know one thing always leads to another. But I’m going to get
through this with nothing but a smile on my face. ‘Cause ever since
I can remember I promised myself that I would not let anyone take
my happiness away from me, no matter what. I always try to have a
positive attitude towards everything.
-Ventrell, Alameda
From The Beat: You show a lot of maturity and, yes, positive attitude in
this piece. And it’s good to see you feeling so motivated. You say you’re
going to “apply yourself more” when you get out, which is great to
read, but could you also break that down for us, and for Beat readers?
What will applying yourself look like on a daily basis? How will it
effect who you talk to, where you spend your free time, what time you
get up in the morning, etc?
Too Much Won’t Go Away
I have a lot of things I got in my life that don’t go away.
Like memories and the outcomes of choices me and my bros have
made. Like my cousin June, who is gone and passed away. Plus, a
lot of my bros aren’t gonna come home.
Not all my memories are bad, some I cherish very much and I
will never forget. I wish that things would go back to that, but I know
it won’t, so I use all my experiences in life to live and learn.
Through my experiences I use these to teach my young life
different ways to go about problems in life, so they don’t make the
same mistakes I’ve made and the people around me.
To those doing time, stay up, and much love
-Lil Johnny, Solano
From The Beat: What more can we ask from anyone, but to teach from
your experience, and help others see a better way. We see the potential
and desire you have to do just that. We’re pulling for you, and of
course look forward to reading your next entry.
Thinking of My Dad Won’t Go Away!
Que onda Beat? Well my dad’s death it just can’t seem to go away.
I hold the pain and just leave it to the side and when I’m
behind my locked door,
I stare at the ceiling and all the pain keeps coming back.
I pray to the Lord to help me with the pain.
I tell Him to help me get my shhh together
I try so hard to do everything but it’s hard,
I say I’m going to get my shhh together and next thing I know
I’m on the run.
I’m so tired of this shhh
It’s so hard to not do this when it’s in front of me.
My dad always told me “Mija please don’t ever end up like me,
porque, it’s going to be hard to get out of the system.” Y
ya estoy aqui thinking of all the crap my jefito told me,
all I see is tears running down my face,
pues es todo al ratoz
-Vaga, Bernalillo, NM
From The Beat: And now in the end, the best thing to do would be to
take your dad’s advice. Some times the best advice, in general, comes
from someone that has already lived what you’re going through.
I Outgrew My Fears
I want to be free and feel the next summer breeze.
Wondering if I’ll be sober, ‘cause I lived off the trees.
Once in a while, I see phony, fake people in here.
I don’t give a damn, ‘cause throughout the years
I grew out of my fears.
Every time I look up to the sky, I ask myself, “Why?
Why am I trapped?” I want to be gone and fly away.
I got a wicked mind, and the demons are on their way.
They are clawing at my skull. I can hear it cracking.
I’m starting to feel woozy, like if I were smacking.
I try to shut myself off, so I won’t do nothing crazy.
I have a lot of scars. I don’t know how I’m alive. It’s amazing.
So, I daze out for a while, and remember I’m locked up.
Later, I shoot up from my sleep, realizing everything is
messed up.
-Grumpy, Santa Clara
From The Beat: What went on in your life, before whatever brought
you into juvy, that causes you to have a wicked mind? What demons
are coming to you? Can you go to the strong, tender, decent parts of
yourself, to stand up to the demons?
Saved
I got saved four weeks before I came to jail. Before, I didn’t care
what I did, who I hurt, how people feel, I never paid attention to my
feelings or other people’s feelings.
Well, what happened is a friend I hung out with everyday took
me to church. I decided to go because my mom wanted me to go
all the time, so I decided to give church a chance, when I had that
opportunity to go with my friend. Once there, my friend’s brother
talked to me, and made me understand more about God. He put it
to me in a way I could understand, and after that he asked me if “I
was saved”? I said, “no.” So, he encouraged me to walk up to the
alter at the church with him to confess my sins to be saved. I was
nervous, but I did it, and ever since that day, about five month ago,
now I never doubt the true power of God. I knew I was saved by how
I felt and how everything in my life played out, for a reason.
As of now, while sitting in this max unit in juvenile hall, I fight
for my life. I am alive and I can make it through this with my faith,
and that I will be free soon.
-Ee, Solano
From The Beat: We bet you feel at peace with this wonderful feeling of
finding your God. We hope all this is the start of good things to come
in your life. You truly deserve better than this.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 21
co-Pieces of the week
New Year’s Resolution is…
To change my attitude and do something productive with my life.
Now that I’m turning eighteen, I’m going to volunteer to help out my
community. I will get involved in programs that will help adolescents
improve themselves and get them out from gangs, drugs or other
violence and help them with school criteria’s and show them around
San Jose and around California.
In all: I want to turn my life from negative to positive and
support my family financially, emotionally, mentally and physically.
So I’m just waiting to get released from this place so I can follow
through with all my dreams.
-F, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Thank you for this piece, very inspirational. What a
good plan to help out your community, what inspired you to want to
do these things for your community? How do you want to achieve it?
The Pen and the Sword
I think the pen is just as powerful as a bullet or sword in physical
form because you can kill someone with a pen just as fast as you
can kill someone with gun or a sword. It’s equal physically, but a
pen is way more powerful in influence. For example, the Bible has
been written with a pen and millions of people base their lives on
the ink of that pen. And a majority of the world’s population bases
their lives off of some sort of written form like the Bible, the Torah,
the satanic Bible, the Qur’an, and many other books. All of those
listed above have been written with a pen. Physically it’s all the
same, but there is a bigger message behind a pen.
-Jake, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Jake, you make some great points about the influence
of the pen and the written word. Words carry so much meaning, have
so many uses, and can be interpreted in many different ways. Always
remember the power of words in your writing and your speech.
A Better Person
Saved means to me to be safe from something. Saved can also mean
that you’re saved from a bad decision or choice you were about to
make. I have no answer for telling you, saved may mean saved from
a ferocious dog, but I saved myself by a choice to make.
I ran away from home and a cop saved me from staying off the
streets and brought my attention to new things I have ahead in my
life in an area. Pertaining to how I’m capable of being a better person
and a better parent for my baby boy on the way.
If it weren’t for Officer A in Vacaville, I’d be on the streets and
have a street baby. I’m not saying I like it here, but it taught me lots
of stuff and here my mom and I are having a closer relationship and
she’s starting to be more involved with the baby things.
-Tyrana, Solano
From The Beat: Thanks for this great example of being saved. Do
you think you will have the skills and courage to save yourself going
forward now that Officer A helped you out? Do you trust yourself to go
down the right path and make a great life for you and your son? We do!
Locked In a Box
I’m locked inside of a box
They don’t even let us talk
They feed us when they want to
It sucks being locked in a box
They don’t care about us because we’re criminals
They say it’s a habit because we keep coming back
They don’t care if we come back - we pay their bills
Because we’re locked in a box.
-Osualdo, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Sounds like you also feel locked into a stereotype – as
a criminal, always in trouble. What can you do to positively change the
way others see you?
Co-Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Patience
Being in the hall made me realize how much it hurts being without
my family and my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I both got locked
up on the same night. It hurts being away from the ones you love.
Every night I pray to God he will help us through this. Only he
knows why things happen such a way. We live to learn and life will
always be a struggle. We just have to know how to hold on and have
faith. Freedom will come one day. Patience is the key to it.
-Poptart, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Way to have a very peaceful outlook on life! It is great
that you recognize that some things are just out of your control. What
are some things you do have control over, and how are you going to
handle these things once you do gain your freedom?
A Sad Day in December
Today is a sad day for me, because today is one year since my dad
passed away. My dad wasn’t really with me while I was growing up,
but he would be helping us a lot with money, supporting us, his
family. All the time he wasn’t there with me I will miss him a lot. I
will think I wanted a dad to be with me, something that there were
just dreams. He would go visit us to Mexico, but it still wasn’t the
same. After we came to the USA I felt better, because at least I was
seeing him more often.
The day he passed away I was at school. I was having a good
time when my phone rings. It was my mom. She told me that my dad
was sick, and they were going to see him, and told me to not worry,
but I started walking home. My brother called me and asked me
where was I at. I told him that I was walking home, so he picked me
up. He was crying and he told me. “I just going to tell you right now.
He’s not sick. He passed away.”
I got in shock, and when we went to my dad’s house, that’s
where everything started.
-Jorge, Alameda
From The Beat: We’re so sorry about your Dad, Jorge. Thank you for
honoring him in our pages. When you say “that’s where everything
started,” do you mean that’s where the funeral proceedings started? Or
do you mean that in the bigger sense of that’s when a lot of troubles
started in your life?
Truthful Tells
Every life has a hard time.
I question to the game how I fast forward mine
I listen, I wait, but I never get an answer and it leaves my mind
sick
And I’m sick of being tired
Tired of being sick
Mad I kept wasting my life on nonsense licks
And people always say livin’ life is time well spent
But I spend so much time in my room it makes my head spin
Then I get dizzy
Now I got to watch myself ‘cause every lil thing tempts me
And please don’t try to tempt me ‘cause my bullshhh tank is
nearly empty
And if somebody crosses that line
I’ll have them pressin’ charges and testifying
Or testifying and pressin’ charges
And I want to take a few issues I have and change ‘em
And they say time heals all
Well only time can tell
So forget the system that’s trying to confine me to hell
When all else fails, you have family to call
But I got parents that don’t care if I stand or fall
-Young Tahjjy, Alameda
From The Beat: As your title promises, this piece is full of powerful
truth. We’re sorry you don’t have as much family support as you need,
but we hope you read this poem often to remind yourself of just how
fed up you are with the life you’ve led so far! What are some of these
issues you want to change?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 22
co-Pieces of the week
Co-Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
It Won’t Go Away
Something I wish could go away is my dad being an alcoholic. He’s
been one practically my whole life. If you tell him this he will deny
it and make excuses but the truth is he really is one. The bottle has
got in the way of him reaching his full potential and doing bigger
things.
I just wish all the drama and mistakes could go away and he
could drop the bottle so he could see where he’s at in life. My dad
has lost his marriage and partially his kids because of drank and I
just wish he could open his eyes and stop being so blind. I mean
what has happened has happened already and it is what it is but it’s
never too late to make up for lost time, lost opportunities.
-Arnold, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You’re a wise kid, Arnold. Sounds like you see the
situation for what it is, and you realize- unfortunately the hard way-
how drinking can not only make you lose the things you have but
also stop you from getting where you could be. And you’re right: it’s
never too late. We hope, like you, your dad will change his life but
nobody can make that change but he himself. Tell us: how does all this
effect your life and the choices you’ll make for yourself? How are you
planning on reaching your potential? Tell us more!
What Won’t Go Away
The devil’s breathing down my back.
He tells me when to buy this sack.
He whispers in my ear.
Laughs at all my tears.
He manipulates that he cares.
-Madeline, Los Angeles
From The Beat: This is a very good description of that feeling of being
unable to escape a bad choice. The devil on your back is like that
powerless feeling that you get when you know you are unable to resist
a temptation. How might you turn the tables on that devil? How might
you overcome that whispering voice?
I Don’t Want to Hurt My Family’s
Heart No More
How I’m goin’ to change my life, be an artist and take my sister and
brother out the neighborhood. The place I’m in right now is goin’
to teach me a lesson. I’m sixteen now and it’s goin’ to get worse if I
keep it up. I don’t want to waste my life on some silly things. I want
to be in some positive things. I don’t want to hurt my family’s heart
no more. I just want to be somebody in life.
-Larry , Alameda
From The Beat: It sounds like you already ARE somebody in life –
underneath the mistakes you’ve made, you’re a caring brother and son
who wants the best for himself and his loved ones. What are some
steps you can take to achieve those goals?
Won’t Go Away
I’m life – won’t go away.
I think about it all the time,
But it won’t go away.
I’m education - won’t go away.
I think hard and I won’t go away.
I try to stay out of trouble
And it won’t go away.
Try to stay away from problems
And they won’t go away.
I try to stay strong
But it always goes away.
-Yung L’s, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is a wonderful piece. It’s definitely hard to stay
strong when you feel confronted by so much, but it is possible. We
hope you can find strength and support from someone or something
that you love.
Staying Alive
In the city that I’m from it’s a must that you pack a gun. Never let
your guard down or else you’re bound to get shot down. There’s a
gang war going on man, the violence never stops. These eyes seen
a lot of things.
I got my homies doing twenty-five to life, and way too many
loved ones resting up in heaven, but I have to keep pushing in this
life of hard struggles. Salinas, California, where the streets are
filled with blood puddles. There’s no space to feel safe in the county
that we live in. I’m glad to be alive, so I got to keep living my life to
the fullest, luck needed dodging bullets.
-Jonah, Monterey
From The Beat: Sometimes the best, most courageous thing you can
do is just walk away. If you could leave, and start over fresh, where
would you go, and who would you be? Take advantage of the luck
you’ve been given thus far, and get out while you can. This current
lifestyle is a road to nowhere – either locked up or dead – you said so
yourself. Is that what you really want for yourself?
It Won’t Go Away
It won’t go away. What won’t go away? My memories are something
I don’t want around and won’t go away. I want to erase the worst
memories of me moving far from home, thinking I was goin’ to be
safe when I wasn’t.
I want to erase memories of being: raped, drugged, put on the
track when I was fourteen years old, couldn’t go to school ‘cause he
was scared I was goin’ to snitch, couldn’t see or talk to anyone.
I couldn’t sleep when I wanted to. And got beat when he and his
girlfriend argued which was almost every day. And had guns to my
head when I refused to have sex with whoever he told me to have sex
with. He was supposed to be my uncle, why did he do me like this?
Why won’t my memories go away?
-Angel, Alameda
From The Beat: Your memories may never go away, but they will get
more distant and you can learn to live with them and heal. You may
need help to do so. You are not alone with bad memories, and we all
need help to live with them. Do you have help? Can you ask for it?
(Ask us at least.)

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 23
co-Pieces of the week
Ten Steps Ahead
I’ve been here for too long and things are still the same,
You think you got homies but when you get locked down,
things get strange.
People who said they were homies slowly fade away.
When you’re in jail you realize who your real potnas are
And all these other suckas you better keep very far.
Nothing but pain when I walk in my cell,
My room is like my section of hell.
In a way, I accept what I did
But I don’t regret nothing, I’m just tryin’ to push ahead.
I guess following rules was never my thing, so I understand
I bring this on myself in the end.
I learn from my mistakes and next time I’ll stay ten steps
ahead.
-Shorty, Alameda
From The Beat: Great poem – do you think it will be easier to follow
rules now that you’ve had time to think about the consequences? And
what are some examples of what it will mean to be “ten steps ahead?”
Beat Within
Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down,
Remember though your color’s brown.
The system focuses on us like we’re liars.
Quick to extinguish our hopes, lock up our dreams, and name
us cowards.
Born into hate, brought into poverty, mama always prayin’
that we’re going to win the lottery.
Only to be shut down by month’s rent and clothes for school.
Always crying because her little boy grew up and became a
damn fool.
-Anonymous, Monterey
From The Beat: The system doesn’t get to control your mind, your
dreams, your thoughts – that’s up to you. People rarely become
successful by sitting back and waiting for someone else to make them
successful. How badly do you want to change your life? When you
want it bad enough you will make the sacrifices (maybe it’s changing
your friends, staying home instead of going out partying, following
your probation terms) necessary to do so.
No More Time Left
Time seems to move more slowly
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring
I’m getting released in just two days
Thankful to the God of whom I give praise
Time seems to go by faster now
Awaiting the day when I get out
I can’t wait to lay in my hammock
Laugh when my feet get stuck
I’m sick of this place and these people
They act like it’s still time of Medieval
I miss my brother, as well as my cat
They just see me as a cute little brat.
Hurry up and tick clock,
You’re moving fast as a rock!
So soon now I can see
My smiling mother, filled with glee.
Forty-nine days is a real long time
I’ve lost the future that should have been mine
I wish I could sleep whenever I want
Time would just skip by, not be a taunt.
Thank you Beat, you’ve helped me a lot
Without you here, I might have just rot.
-Zizco, Alameda
From The Beat: Thank you, Zizco, for being such a leader in the unit,
and for always writing with such raw honesty. It’s risky to put your
deepest feelings out there for everyone to see, hear and read, and we
appreciate you taking that risk. Good luck, and keep writing!
Co-Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
Part 1: Why Am I Black?
Why am I black?
Black is the color of a scary dark alley way
Black is the color of the sky at the end of the day.
Black is when something is overcooked
Black is the color of a judge’s books
Black is the color of an empty house when no one is there
Black is the color of a gun
When the trigger gets pulled, it’s no fun
Black is the color of the most venomous spider,
Black is the color of a sly raccoon, black is what robbers wear
when they’re up to no good.
Black is the color people mostly wear in my hood.
Why Am I Black?
Part two coming soon.
-Deandre, Alameda
From The Beat: We are really looking forward to part two of this poem,
because of what you told us about it. It sounded like such a powerful,
proud twist on part one, we can’t wait for the sequel!
The Otha’ Side Feeling
It won’t go away – when my partner Raymen died. We were hella
close and it feels like the pain won’t go away. I never really speak on
him ‘cause it hurts when I talk ‘bout him or think of it.
My ninja Dame’s death hurt a lot too. It won’t go away. I love
them a lot. I never knew I loved them this much ‘til they died.
I remember Raymen askin’ me how would the world be without
him. I told him, “not the same” and I was right. I never thought my
ninja would go like that. But I’m still holdin’ it down for my ninjas.
-Jon Jon, Alameda
From The Beat: We like your title. We are sorry you lost Raymen and
Dame. We have read a lot about them in The Beat and feel like we
know them and miss them too. What needs to happen to stop this sort
of loss? Revenge just creates an endless circle of loss, doesn’t it?
To Be Free
To be free is worth much more than a price
More precious and meaningful than the world’s best prize
And I love when I can have my family by my side
To me it’s more exciting than the highest roller coaster ride
To be free is worth much more than my pride
Free to roam the world like the sun’s great shine
But my nightmare’s come true and I’m lost in time
But I know God one day will make freedom once again mine.
-Francisco, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is a wonderful piece! What do you think you’ll
need to change in order to keep your freedom? You clearly know the
value of freedom, but we hope you realize that you must be responsible
in order to keep it.
To Be Free
To be free is worth much more than a price
More precious and meaningful than the world’s best prize
And I love when I can have my family by my side
To me it’s more exciting than the highest roller coaster ride
To be free is worth much more than my pride
Free to roam the world like the sun’s great shine
But my nightmare’s come true and I’m lost in time
But I know God one day will make freedom once again mine.
-Francisco, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is a wonderful piece! What do you think you’ll
need to change in order to keep your freedom? You clearly know the
value of freedom, but we hope you realize that you must be responsible
in order to keep it.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 24
co-Pieces of the week
Co-Pieces of the Week
Volume 17.01/02
I Know I am Better Than This
Drugs.
I don’t want to keep smoking no more.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t keep my mind off drugs.
That’s not the way I want to live anymore.
My daughter needs me, and I have something to live for.
This addiction is keeping me from succeeding.
I’ve hit my rock bottom, and I’m done with this.
I want to prove to everyone that I’m better than this
because I know I’m better than this.
-Leslie, Bernalillo, NM
From The Beat: Now that you know what it feels like to hit “rock
bottom”, it will only get better from here on out. You just have to want
it. Now the choice is up to you. Keep us posted at the Beat on your
progress.
True Leader
It is hard to find a true leader lately because everything we are doing
was already done way before us. Selling drugs, robbing people,
breaking into houses, shooting at people, or even gangbanging. We
didn’t start the things that we do. We got the idea from somebody.
People don’t like to admit it, but we are followers. We might say
we are leaders because we are probably the leaders of our friends.
But we are young and don’t know a lot. We will find out someday.
-Lil Gumby, Alameda
From The Beat: We like your independent thinking. That is a sign of
leadership ability. So do you think that it’s time for leaders who will
do something new? Like, make peace on the streets, for example? Why
not you?
Be Yourself In A Positive Way
When I get out I want to play football. I want to show my peers what
they can do in life that is positive. I also want to visit all the juvenile
halls and show my peers that they are wasting their lives, and I
was wasting my life. I would ask the kids what they are in for, and
then tell them that’s how they’re hurting their lives. Then I’d tell
‘em what’s good for them. For example, school, education, degrees,
not having kids at an early age. Education can get you anything,
whatever you want: You can be a doctor, a lawyer, anything you want
to be.
Why not have kids at an early age? I don’t want to have kids yet.
If I had a kid he’d see the bad things I’ve done. That they’d have a dad
in jail.
-Larry, Alameda
From The Beat: This is a wonderful ambition. Once you have gotten
yourself on track, you will be a very powerful role model for other
young people. Have you figured out a step-by-step plan for getting
(and staying) on a positive track?
ou see a beautiful
young girl with a big
smile on my face, but
you can’t see what’s
going on inside:
hatred, fault, anger,
depression, sadness,
hideous.
Lost a Friend
What’s good Beat, this be the homie Casper here to talk about my
homie Payaso (Clown). The last time I seen him was in front of my
school when I was going there to get signed up and we shook hands
like we usually did and went on with what we were doing that day.
Damn, if I knew that was going to be the last time I seen my homie
I would have talked to him instead of just shaking his hand like
usual and walking away. The night he got shot, I was on house
arrest sitting at my dinner table when I heard gun shots at the park
behind my house. Then there was a bunch of cops at the end of
my block. What happened was my homie was at the park with his
girlfriend and some guys tried to rob him but he didn’t want to give
up his stuff so he drove off in his car and the guy popped a couple
of shots at him, which were the ones I heard, and then they chased
after him in their car. He ended up losing control of his car and
crashing into a house down the street from mine.
In February 2010, he lost his life in the arms of his girlfriend.
I can’t believe it’s almost been two years since that night. Rest in
Peace Payaso. Gone but never forgotten. We love you homie, and I’ll
see you at the gates.
-Casper, Alameda
From The Beat: Thank you for this beautiful and heartfelt eulogy for
your friend. It’s up to you now to carry on and live your dreams in
honor of him and in honor of the ones who didn’t make it. What are
your dreams? Where do you see yourself in ten years?
It Won’t Go Away Mentally
It won’t go away, I always think about my uncle, molesting me. It
won’t go away from the beating so he can get me what he wants.
It won’t go away, all the pain that I endured for ten years before I
could tell my mom. It won’t go away, the image that I picture of him
touching me. You see a beautiful young girl with a big smile on my
face, but you can’t see what’s going on inside: hatred, fault, anger,
depression, sadness, hideous. I wish it could go away, but it just
won’t. It stays.
I had a second thought about telling my mom because I thought
she would not believe me – but she did. And I felt so happy it went
away physically, but it still won’t go away mentally. It won’t go away.
-Teela, Alameda
From The Beat: The pain you’ve been through might never go away,
not entirely. But that pain is also part of who you are – part of your
wisdom and experience, and part of what will make you compassionate
and caring towards other people who have also suffered. Do you have
people to talk to, who’ve been through what you’ve been through and
can relate to how you feel?
Saved
I think I got saved one day by one of my ex-girlfriends. One day I
was walking to her house, on drugs and drunk, and I was getting
followed by a rival gang. My lady had called me and asked me where I
was, and I told her I was not going to show up because I was trying to
surprise her. She knew I was drunk and she didn’t like me drinking,
and I hung up the phone.
I was still being followed, and when I hit the street corner by a
7-Eleven they got down and started to jump me. I got hit with a bat
in my ribs, but they didn’t break they just got bruised. But my lady
was already driving around looking for me, and when she saw a lot
of guys jumping someone she stopped her car and knew it was me.
She started screaming, “stop,” and they ran in their car and left.
She saved me ‘cause I could’ve been killed or stabbed. That’s all for
today.
-Tony, Santa Clara
From The Beat: It definitely sounds like your ex saved you. How did
that experience change you? Tell us more!

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 25
Time Slows Down
Time... as I get closer to my court date, I feel time slows down. It
slows down when you cuffed up too. You can be in the back of a
cop car and still feel like time froze up. When you have a long time
stretched in front of you it’s as if your life is tickin’ and is just
ignorin’ your existence will help…Even institutionalized, it doesn’t
help when you have something on the outside waitin’ for you.
-Francisco
From The Beat: That’s a great way to describe it - “it feels like time froze
up.” What about on the outs? What are the things that make time go
faster, or slower?
Milky Way
The best piece of candy that I ever had would have to be milky way,
because it would be a chocolate on the outside then caramel. At first
you taste the milk chocolate then you get that good caramel, it’s so
good that you have to keep buying more.
-Devin
From The Beat: May there be many Milky Ways in your future, Devin.
And as with everything else worth having, enjoy them but don’t go
overboard!
Emotions
I don’t know, I’m really lost today, but at the same time I’m so
excited, because I went to court today and they said I could go home
on GPS back to my mom. But at the same time I feel like I might
mess up. I really don’t want to come back here. I been here, in and
out, and I’m about to have three months here beginning Dec.!
I can’t wait to go home, hopefully, but I feel like I’ll mess up
because I get angry so fast and my mom never understands me. But
with the help of God I think I can do it and with the help of my stepdaddy
I can, but every time I get close to my step dad, my mom gets
mad. IDK.
-Jennifer
From The Beat: Are you going to have any type of family counseling so
you and your mom can get used to living together again, and so that
you can get help working on making your family even stronger?
Popping Pills
One of my worst, bad high experiences out of a bunch I have to say
that, first of all, doing drugs at all was a bad decision. I first did
drugs when I was ten. I smoked weed. But my twelfth birthday I
tried ecstasy, just to always hang with older guys, my older brother’s
friends. My brother didn’t like me to hang with them.
Well, when I was in eighth grade, I had barely got out of GPS,
I was on probation. I just go to school everyday. My brother sold
weed, so it was easy for me to get any drugs. I got a bargain for
twenty ecstasy pills, some yellow “stars.” My brother didn’t allow
me to pop pills. He knew I smoked weed, so I said I was going to sell
them at school.
I went to school the next day. I popped a pill. I popped pills
all week long. I thought they weren’t going to smack, so I took like
three pills everyday. At the end of the day, I would be smacking so
bad I talked to everybody. On Friday, I ended up popping five pills.
I had been popping all week long. I was quiet that day. Into my
drawing, I started sweating, I felt hot, and my fingertips felt cold. I
started feeling nauseous, things were changing colors. I thought I
was dehydrated, I went to my class back room closet. I drank some
water. I threw up. That was the worst experience ever. I haven’t
popped a pill since then, although I want to. I feel depressed and
lonely.
-Zane
From The Beat: We’re sorry that you feel depressed in lonely, but want
to congratulate you on the fact that you haven’t popped a pill since
that time. It will get better, can you find something else to do that
makes you feel great?
Standouts Alameda County Volume 17.01/02
The Things We Do To Get
Ourselves In Trouble
One thing I can’t seem to escape from is my friends and mostly the
things we like to do, like party sometimes. The things we do to get
ourselves in trouble. Sometimes I think ‘bout the stupid things I do,
and I wish that I could change my ways and stop smoking.
But it’s kinda hard for me ‘cause it releases my stress.
Sometimes I wish I could also change my friends and get back into
sports. As I sit in my cell I think about the things I did when I was
young. I used to always go to church every Sunday, and I need to get
back into all the good things I was always doing.
So when I get out of here I’ll change my life around.
-Devin
From The Beat: You’re lucky, because now that you want to change, you
have a whole set of positive habits to turn back to! Do you also have
positive friends to turn to, so that you don’t find yourself “partying”
again and getting back in trouble?
What If Somebody
Run Up In My House?
What’ up Beat Within. This is Dre, I’m going to talk about risk. How
many risks I take when I run up in people’s homes. But at the same
time, I don’t think about what can happen to me. If somebody was
in the house I could have got killed or something. But someone was
looking down on me, so I’m thankful for still being in here.
Because anything could happen to me when I was running in
people’s homes. It’s a good thing that I don’t do the things I used
to do anymore. Sometimes I think, what if somebody run up in my
house? I feel like the people whose homes I ran into.
-Dre
From The Beat: This is a wise and thoughtful piece – it sounds like
you’ve been growing a lot during your time away. Do you think your
attitude towards risk has changed because of these experiences? Do
you think you’ll remember this next time you feel tempted to rob a
house?
I Want To Show Her I’m Worth It
I’m lookin’ forward to goin’ to my group home. If I go home in the
next year, I’m lookin’ forward to not goin’ back to my old ways. Then
I can go to school and get back to the girl I love. I want to show her
I’m worth it. But I need to get my shhh together. I need to stay sober
and get myself a job. One day I’m sure if she’s not the one for me
then I’m sure love comes around more than once.
-Francisco
From The Beat: Is it hard for you to stay sober? Have you thought
of joining an AA group of some sort when you get out, so you have
support dong this difficult but wonderful thing?
Jail
I hate being in jail
You know why, ‘cause I hate the smell?
Every morning I wake up and thank the Lord
‘Cause I want to wake up good and not be sore
I pray for my family every night
‘Cause I told the Lord, when I get out I’ll try to do right
When I first came in I told myself, I ain’t goin’ to come back
I think about everything and everybody
But when I’m behind the door I listen and cry
I miss my homies every time I dream
But when I wake up, I turn mean
-Young Weeze
From The Beat: We bet lots of readers will be able to relate to this
experience of being homesick in jail – the important part is to stick to
that vow you made to yourself – “I ain’t gon’ come back.” What will you
need to do to make sure you keep that vow?

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Alameda County
What’s Going On?
What’s going on besides violence?
Walking around all you hear is sirens.
Everybody messin’ up and down these streets.
These crazy ninjas stay strapped with heat.
Kids can’t go to the park and just have fun because these
dumb ninjas got a gun.
-Jeremi
From The Beat: What do you think can be changed so the streets and
parks are safe for kids? How can we get rid of all these guns?
Makes Me Angry
What makes me angry is when you intake in the jail. It makes me
mad ‘cause they have you waiting to go to a unit for hours and wait
for the nurse, and when you in the room, it be cold on the seat and
it go through your pants and the staff make you mad. And when the
nurse come, they won’t pee test you and give you a shot in your arm
if you need it. And like, when you get in, the staff be talking hecka
smack to you, then you start talking smack back.
-Maurice
From The Beat: Being in jail is not supposed to be fun, we’re sorry
you don’t like intake but hopefully you’re trying to stay out of jail and
therefore you won’t have to deal with it!
Never Let Her Go
Court day after tomorrow
Seems as if I been here months
Got my baby momma waiting for me
I’m not sure how I’m gonna react if she leaves me
I’m not sure if I’m gonna be able to handle her rejectin’ me
If there is no way she takes me back
Bullet to the head might take me away
The pain of the game ain’t worth losin’ her
I love her, she knows it, so I’m gonna stay strong, chin up,
Never let her go.
-Francisco
From The Beat: Lovely poem. What about the choices that got you
locked up and taken away from the people you love. What would you
need to change about your life to guarantee that the law could never
take you away from your family again?
One Day
One day, I got drunk at the park me and my partners always be at.
Before then, I was already high from having bo’ in my system. So at
the park, we were smoking and I was so high, I didn’t really know
what I was doing. Luckily, I was with some people I am always with.
At the park, I saw my partner Adoni who I haven’t seen for a long
time. I couldn’t really see him because it sort of felt like a dream,
and every look like it was vibrating.
So, Adoni seen I was stumbling and falling and he tried to help
me up, but when I got up, I swung at him in a three-sixty degree
motion and fell again, so some other things happened at that park.
Then my other partner thought I needed to go to the house. So me,
him, and my other partner Rafael went to the house. So we were at
these long stairs we always go through and I fell down some from
there. I can’t really remember what happened, but me waking up in
the hospital with a catheter on me. Then when I asked for my other
sock and my shoes, they told me they didn’t have it.
Later on when I was good enough, I broke out, ran, called Brian
and went to his house. One of my shoes was at the house, but I
lost my phone. The next day, we were going to the park and on the
stairs, I found my other shoe and the back to my phone, but not my
phone. Everything else about that day, I couldn’t...
-Marshawn
From The Beat: Sounds like quite a day, good thing you had friends
with you. Why were you in the hospital?
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 26
Stuck
I’m fifteen, in juvenile hall, and it makes me mad that I’m stuck in
here because it keeps me away from my social life and my girl, and
it bothers me because I’m stuck. It’s been a minute and I’m ready
to get out. But the more they keep me in here, the madder I get
everyday knowing you have nothing and feeling like it’s being taken
from you.
But most of the time, I keep my head up and write and draw,
but sometimes I just stay angry and I don’t like to be, and a lot of
the time it’s ‘cause I think too much. But lately, I’ve just prayed and
wrote my girl ‘cause that’s all I got other than my mom and she gives
me support. So when I get out, I’m not going back ‘cause I’m sick of
being angry.
-Chad
From The Beat: We like your attitude! Sometimes you need to get
angry to change things. Making changes to stay out of jail would be a
good choice and keep drawing and writing too
Celebrating Thanksgiving
In The Hall
My Thanksgiving was sad because I had to spend it in jail. It was
fun, but sad. I couldn’t call my family, because I felt if I called them
I would end up in tears.
And I did end up in tears, and I didn’t even call them. Although
staff said we all were like a family since we all sleep, eat, shower and
work out here. I had fun eating with my fellow cellmates eating until
we got full. We had a good time celebrating Thanksgiving, sharing
jokes and laughing, but every minute I keep thinking of what my
family would be doing right now and what food would they be eating.
All in all I went to sleep with a full belly and a smile on my face.
-Victor
From The Beat: It’s good to hear that you were able to find some joy
in the Thanksgiving dinner provided by the staff, and also that you
thought with love and longing of your own family. Hopefully you will
be reunited with them soon!
Angry
My parents been mad at me for a while when I got locked up. They
forgave me on the day I got out. But the second time I got locked up,
I think they’re going to get mad at me until I change and I will. I’ll do
better in school and I won’t get locked up anymore. If I change and
be a better person, than I think they will forgive me for what I done.
They won’t get mad at me forever because I’m their son.
-Alex
From The Beat: You are right, they won’t be mad forever but still do
some serious thinking about changing and doing better in school. It
will be better for you and everyone!
Grounded
I made my parents so mad when they found out I was in jail. They
were very upset with me because they know I’m better than that.
She grounded me for the rest of my life.
-Joevanne
From The Beat: Parents just want the best for you, that’s probably why
you were grounded for the rest of your life. Have you thought about
when you will get out and how you can change things so not to upset
your parents again?
Right from Wrong
A leader tells the truth in doing right from wrong. And don’t let you
do stuff that you don’t want to.
-Reginald
From The Beat: Do you have a good leader to set an example and
follow?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 27
Good Times
Most of the time in my cell is spent exercising or reading a book, but
even more of that time is spent in the past. I remember my father,
and I miss my mother… I am always looking forward to the next day,
but Tuesdays have always been one of my favorite days. Like the
song “Tuesdays gone with the wind”. But since my imprisonment,
my memories have made Sundays the most enjoyable, and I know a
song for that day to “Easy Like Sunday Morning.”
Yeah, that and plenty of other songs. I think of how time moves
on and before you know it I’ll be mowing my lawn drinking coffee
and playing with my dogs and watching the news with my dad. In the
afternoon I got plans. Time doesn’t wait for me, it keeps on rolling,
good times outweigh the bad.
-Dopey
From The Beat: A positive attitude like this will not only help you get
through your time in the hall, but also through tough times and tough
temptations on the outs. What is the song that most reminds you of
freedom?
People Try And Put Me Down
People try and put me down
But I stand my ground keep walking with a crown
Attitude stay wild
Leave haters by a mile close ‘em up like a file
Leave ‘em in the junk pile,
That’s how I gets down, representing my town
That’s how I get down
I’m proud to be brown and I say out loud
Leave your mouth like how I leave yo’ face, like wow
Lay it up like yo’
Making this cheddar you can call me a cow
‘Cause it’s my money and I need it now.
-DeAndre
From The Beat: Don’t worry about getting a little money now, take all
your talent and skill and use it to get a real education, so that instead
of a little money now, you can get a lot of (legit) money later!
Sixteen And Going To The Pen
Something I can’t seem to get away from is the pain of not knowing
when I’m getting out. It’s kind of hard being sixteen in juvenile hall
and thinking I might be going to the pen.
I try to picture what it’s going to be like, but you can’t never
know until you get there.
-Marquis
From The Beat: Have you made any personal goals for yourself, in
terms of things you would want to accomplish while you are serving
your time? Because there’s so much you can’t control about the next
few years, but one thing you can control is how you use the time.
Standouts Alameda County Volume 17.01/02
Saved!
Have you ever been saved? Well, I have. Being saved to me means
accepting god as your Lord and Savior and trying to make changes
within your life the Christian way.
There was a time I got pregnant and I accepted God into my
heart. My parents grew up in a religious church. They showed my
brothers and sisters right from wrong. I always never listened to
my parents. My parents told me one thing, I did the opposite. But I
guess your mom is always telling you you’ll learn the hard way.
Well I think everyone in this world is born to sin. But it’s up to
you to make the choice to change your life and accept God to try to
make a Christian life and make a change for yourself. I have made
a couple bad sins as you can see. I’m in jail and to make matters
worse, I’m fourteen weeks pregnant.
I have read the bible every day since I’ve been here and that’s
ten weeks. I always attend church sessions, even when I’m in the
outs. At home I go to church. I want my kids to grow up in the
religious church.
-Fremont
From The Beat: What brought you to God after you got pregnant? Are
you starting to listen to your parents now? What kind of changes are
you trying to make with your life. Can you give us some examples?
Back Pain
My pain in my back won’t go away. I try to forget but it just stays. I
toss and turn and it won’t go away so I just stand in place and it goes
away. It happened during football, somebody elbow me in my side.
-Xavier
From The Beat: What happened during football? We’re sorry you don’t
feel well, hang in there!
All These Years
All these years won’t go away. The choices I made through life won’t
go away. Even though all my choices brought me here, I still don’t
want my choices to go away.
Throughout my whole life I kept it solid. Early in life all that
you got was friends and family. THAT will never go away. My faith
that I will come back home will never go away.
-Eyesee
From The Beat: Your past choices won’t go away. But you can control
your future choices, right? What do you have to do to make sure you
stay home once you go home?
Weed: Never Had A Bad High
I love smoking weed, I have never went overboard. I am so used to
smoking that it doesn’t affect the things I do. I actually think that
weed enhances my ability to do things. It seems like when I smoke
weed I have super powers.
-Trelly-Bo
From The Beat: The key word there is “seems.” One effect that weed
has (besides being illegal, which is a big effect right there if you’re
trying to stay out of the system), is that it can make it hard to stay
motivated and stay on task. Are you sure that all that smoking isn’t
affecting your motivation?
Who I Admire
Well, I admire Marylin Monroe. Why do I admire her? Well, it’s
because she’s pretty and she’s perfection, like she’s perfect. And
I love how she dresses and I mostly love how she always puts red
lipstick on. It’s so beautiful on her. Marylin Monroe died young and
died pretty.
- Litza
From The Beat: Have you read about her life? Have you seen her
movies? Do you want to be an actress?

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Alameda County
Where Would I Be Without Momma?
Mommy thank you! Without you I wouldn’t be the intelligent,
mature young woman today. You make me ask myself “where would
I be without momma!” Because of you I can answer this question!
I would be doing whatever I have to do to make you proud. From
my schooling to my family I would be OK! Momma, I love you and
appreciate you.
Everybody can’t say what I say about my momma. They can’t
say my momma is my best friend – my momma is my support, my
momma is my rock, my heart, and my love. A great woman like you
is the reason I can be on my own. I am independent. I am intelligent.
I can be without you, but I would rather not be, Momma! Love you,
thank you for always being there for me; and no matter how much I
put you through, you were still there and I know you will always be.
-Maiha Rosie
From The Beat: This is a wonderful, heartfelt thank you to your mom –
we hope you get out soon and use all these strengths to be successful
and make your mom proud! Peace.
I’m Saved
“God saved me.” He saved me from the streets. I was doing bad. But
God helped me out.
I was with some people who wanted to do bad stuff. But we
know that it was bad that they took people’s purses and other stuff.
We were riding around with cars that were not ours. We had the car
for four days and God told me or showed me that doing bad would
get you put in jail. But I was not caring at that time. So I kept doing
stuff that I was not shot to do.
But now I’m in here. When I was out in the streets I was not
going to church ‘cause I stopped. And I stopped reading my bible.
And what I was doing took me away from what I really love doing,
knowing more about God.
So now I’m in jail, all I can do is pray and read the bible and
ask God to forgive me for my sins. And he has to. And I thank him
every day. For three weeks I prayed and asked forgiveness and now I
want to go home and I’m asking God to help me go home. I’m praying
every night, every day, and I would like it if everybody would help me
pray.
-Lasawnda
From The Beat: What’s going to happen when you go home? Do you
think you’ll care now? Will you go to church and read your bible? Will
you stay away from the people who like to do bad stuff? What will be
hard?
A Letter From My Girlfriend
What’s up Beat, Well today I’m going to share this quote my girlfriend
said to me in her last letter. She said it’s how she is really feeling.
“What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night,
every tear I cry from missing him. And the pain I feel from not having
him close. It is worth it, because he is my one and only. When I
picture myself years from now, I see only him. No matter how painful
the distance can be, not having him in my life would be worse.”
That quote touched me in a lot of ways, because each time we
talk she seems to put a smile on my face, but that quote made me
feel special because I been in jail for almost a year and she is still
here, and it’s kind of crazy because I didn’t expect all this from her. I
thought after I told her I was going to do years, I thought I was going
to lose her. But I got the opposite reaction – she says she wants to
wait for me. Since I’ve been in jail, I reminisce on the beautiful four
years we spent together. I can’t wait for the day I get out, so we can
be together again, because she makes me want to right and change
my ways with her I see a better future.
-Sammy
From The Beat: Your girlfriend’s letter is inspiring, not just because
of her love for you, but because she sees the best in you, sees how
wonderful you can and will be. She sees the real you, under all the
mistakes you’ve made. What are some of the ways you hold on to that
real you and keep him strong, for her and especially for yourself!
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 28
The Hall vs. CYA
I think time goes by slower in juvenile hall than when I was in CYA,
because in juvenile hall we are in our room most of the time, and at
CYA we out of our room all day. But time goes by fastest when I’m
out. Hopefully I get out in two weeks.
CYA wasn’t that bad, you was able to have a TV, MP3, you get
commissary... There’s staff that are cool and there’s staff that ain’t
cool, but for the most part it isn’t that bad up there.
-Ernesto
From The Beat: Thanks for this update on CYA. We are sure that many
Beat readers who are on their way there will be grateful for any
information they can get. Now to make sure you never have to go
back!!!
It Won’t Go Away
This jail stuff won’t go away. When I first came to the hall I said it was
my last time coming and I came back eight more times. Everybody
comes back. It ain’t cool but you get used to it.
I’m going to my second group home. This jail stuff gets old. I’m
tired of group homes too. They are grimy. Hopefully this time I’ll
pimp this and get home.
Once you get on probation, it’s hard not to come back to the
hall. I gotta get out of this system.
-Flim Dog
From The Beat: We agree that it’s hard to get out of the system
and many people have a hard time not coming back to jail. But not
everyone. What needs to happen so that you can do what probation
expects of you and not come back?
Too Much, Never Again
It was one of them days. I was doin’ too well. Smoked too much
in that hour I was loaded. I was feelin’ myself, I fired up like three
blunts matched a few, point blank, I was don’ too much, and I needed
to “get it together” I tried to make a batch of killer brownies. I had
some wet purple and some dry tree. And I mixed several types of
weed. I baked them in some brownies.
Now that was my first experience with that stuff. So when the
brownies were done I ate one immediately. I’m thinking that eating
brownies is the same as smoking. So I ate a brownie and I didn’t feel
it right away. So I’m like wait, I just wasted a quick one hundred and
twenty on some dud brownies, so I ate half the batch. Then I’m like
damn what’s this. I started spacin’ out, a few minutes later I passed
out on the couch. I woke up the next mornin’ in the same clothes. I
said never again...I ate some breakfast and went back to sleep. It was
a mess, aka a bad high.
-Young Tahjjy
From The Beat: Your excellent story telling skills really show through
here -- and you actually hit on of the saddest part about when people
abuse drugs. We only get so many days on this earth, it’s a shame
to think how many we waste on being unconscious or semiconscious
because of going to far!
A Different World In Here
When I am in juvenile hall, time feels like it doesn’t exist at all, it
just goes so slow and every minute that passes by, it seems like
it was five minutes. What I do to pass the time is read books, and
do stuff that can help pass the time, also when I don’t really think
about the time it goes faster.
I hate time in jail because it goes slow, and it seem like a
different world in here. My relationship with time was bad, and I
cant’ get use to this time. But now that I’ve been here for so long, it
seems like time goes faster....
-James
From The Beat: Do you think that you’ve grown or matured or learned
anything valuable during this time “on pause”? There’s one thing that
lockdown leaves you time for, developing the mind. What have you
been doing to develop your mind?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 29
Ten Years In Twenty-Four Hours
When I am in juvenile hall, time feels like ten years in twenty four
hours. Only time can tell anything. Time feels like it goes be so
slow, like when you have a court in a couple of days, but if you have
months or year, time seems to go by quickly, until you get to your
last few days, time goes stupid slow.
When I’m locked down in my room, I read books to make time
go by faster, or I rap to myself. I like time when I’m out in the outs,
because I can do whatever I want to do with but sometimes I don’t
think about it and it seems to go by normally time. Forget time,
that’s how I feel. Sometimes I feel I have no relationship with time,
locked up or on the outs. I have been locked up ninee or ten times. I
think this would be the last time, but if it isn’t and if I do happen to
come back down, it’s going to be because of money problems.
-Brandon
From The Beat: Great and thoughtful rhyming -- it sounds as if you’re
getting tired of living on “system time.” What do you mean by money
problems? Or do you mean problems because of the things you do to
get money? What about trying to get your money legit?
Turning Myself In
I took a risk by turning myself in. It’s been a journey, and a blessing,
even though I been here for a few months and it’s been real rocky
and scary.
But every way, God is opening a door for me to go closer. I am
going to do everything I gotta do to complete my program and not be
in these streets. My goal is to focus on me and my life.
-Keilaysha
From The Beat: This is a great goal – what are some of the concrete
steps you are going to have to make to achieve it?
Life As We Know It
Life as we know it is coming to the end.
Everything is all falling apart.
I can feel it, piece by piece
…It’s all tumbling down.
One by one, there it goes
By the end of it all, it’s going to be nothing.
Bye bye world, there it all goes,
Turned to ash, obliteration,
That’s how I feel right now:
Like life as I know it is gone!
-Nyla
From The Beat: We turned this sad, dark piece into a poem because it
had a melody to it that felt poetic, like an old blues song. We hope that
you feel more optimistic soon, but in the meantime, you did a great job
of turning your sorrow into a piece of writing that other people could
connect with.
Overdosing
The first time I had a bad experience with drugs was when I
overdosed on ecstasy pills while I was high. I started to hallucinate.
How I hallucinated was that I started taking the pills. The first one
I took didn’t give me the feeling that I was high, so I thought that I
would take more than just one to get the feeling.
So I took six more, not knowing that the pills had to be digested
in order for the pills to have its effect, thus leading to my overdose.
I had to go to the hospital and get my stomach pumped. This
experience of going through the process was very horrible for me, I
hope that nobody will experience all of this.
-Tim
From The Beat: Thanks for sharing this story. We are glad you ended
up OK. It sounds as if you were almost poisoned to death! Did you ever
take pills again, or was that experience enough to keep you away from
them afterwards?
Standouts Alameda County Volume 17.01/02
Image
When I walk into a room, some of the first things that pop up in
people’s minds are that I’m Latino, criminal, a menace to society and
a gang member. No one ever sees the other side. The side that likes
and loves my close ones and only my close ones. Never a friend. A
friend is what will get you killed in the game. So never trust ‘em. But
if one is respectful, they will get respect back.
- Feln
From The Beat: Why do you think people think those things about
you? Is it your race? Your age? The way you dress? The way you talk? A
combination? And does everyone think those things about you or only
certain people? What is a friend if it’s not someone you can trust? Why
aren’t your close ones friends?
I Want to go Home and be Saved
I just want to get out of jail. I hope God can save me from doing a
lot of time. I just hope that when I get to court that He can save me
and get me out of here. I hope He can because being in here is not
good. I just want to go home soon, like tomorrow. I just want to be
home with my family.
I know I can do better. I’m not stupid, I’m very smart in my own
way. Also in God’s way too. I’m a good person. I’m not bad. I may do
some bad things, but I’m not a bad person. I have a heart and I want
to go home where I can be loved. I miss my mommy and my granny
and my brother. I hate being around people that I don’t like and don’t
know. A lot of girls are used to being here but I don’t think shhh’s
funny in here.
I just want God to answer my prayers, wish to let me go home.
That’s all I want to do is be free to go and go eat some real food with
my family. I love them so much. Thank you!!!
-Kintavia
From The Beat: If you get your wish and you go home soon, what will
you need to do when you get there, every day, to make sure you never
come back and get used to jail yourself? Everyone was inside for a first
time. What needs to change in your life so you will stay free?
All Alone
I can’t even write right now! My head hurts! Being incarcerated
is torturing me! All alone. No say. Kicking and banging all week,
twenty-four hours a day, not knowing what’s going to happen at
court.
“Will I be detained or did they finally find my grandpa?” All
these different personalities stressing me, trying to pull me down.
I miss being outside where I had someone who thought I was more
than a mess-up that comes to jail six times in six years.
I pray I get out while there’s any hope left.
-Darielle
From The Beat: You said you couldn’t write but then you did such a
great job of writing your thoughts down! We hope that getting them
on paper took a little bit of the stress off you. Also, you will get out,
you know it. The real question is, can you start making a real plan so
you never have to come back?
It Won’t Go Away!
This shhh is crazy. All the gun shots and gun shot wounds will
never go away! All these suckers will never go away. Unless we put
them away.
None of my battle wounds or mental scars will ever go away.
Even after all these years. It seems like yesterday I was on the block
gettin’ into shoot outs, dodgin’ bullets and takin’ life. Seeing my
own ninjas and other ninjas get hit and take their lasts breaths.
It won’t ever go away.
-Baby D
From The Beat: From this piece, it’s hard to tell if you regret the things
you were doing on the block. But from other writing of yours, we know
you do. It never goes away, but you have decided to walk away from it
and focus on more important things like family. What if everyone did
that? Wouldn’t it go away then?

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Alameda County
Sometimes I Wish…
It won’t go away
Same friends same hood, same name
It won’t go away
New me new mind, new habits
But my name won’t go away
Sometimes I wish I never fell in love with the streets,
Because my habits became my character
Now that I got good habits,
My name just won’t go away
-Keke
From The Beat: The power of your “name” – your past actions – is strong.
And like you say, even as you work on your habits and character, you’ll
still have the consequences of your past actions to deal with. What a
great poem you’ve written – the wisdom and strength you in this poem
show that you have what it takes to meet any challenge you face,
including this one!
Time Waiting On Me
I wait on time every day
Just waiting until they send me away
But I don’t know where away is
I hope it’s a place that I miss
There’s no feeling like being free
Not waiting on time, but time
Waiting on me
Day by day, night by night
Waiting until they open the door
So I can see the sunlight
-No Name
From The Beat: Another powerful piece of writing without a name on
it! Have you heard yet where you will be sent? And are you ready to
make the best of it?
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 30
I Gotta Do What’s Best For Me
Being in here feels weird. It seems like I’m looking to see some time.
To pass my time, I read and don’t think about the outs too much,
because it feels like time goes slower. I hate the time because I’m a
way outgoing person, but I put myself in this predicament so I gotta
do what’s best for me.
-Tamika
From The Beat: Great last sentence (which is why we made it the title).
What do you see as the ‘best’ for you? Can you give us some examples?
The Love of my Life
The love of my life. He’s great, wonderful, charming, always knows
what to say, always knows how to make my day, always knows how
to put a smile on my face, the love of my life, he always knows what
to say, always knows how to make my day, always knows how to put
a smile on my face, the love of my life. He says that he loves me, I
believe every word he says, he says we will get married one day. I
love him with all my heart.
-Chula
From The Beat: We love to hear the wonderful things he says to you –
but one thing you didn’t tell us: Do his actions match up to his words?
Mistakes
“It’s not the mistakes you make that determine who you are and who
you gonna be in life, but now you get up from these mistakes that
determine your character.” The first person who said this to me was
my mama and my sister because they want me to change my life and
want me to be the best person I can.
-Darnesha
From The Beat: It sounds like both your Mom and your sister have great
faith in you. Can you think of a time in your life when you took this
wisdom to heart and it helped you make something happen?
I Cry Myself To Sleep
What’s up with it Beat! It’s Sponky, back on The Beat. What’s poppin’
man, this shhh ain’t even cool. I mean damn I been in this thing for
a cool minute. I been stressin’ hella much I been goin’ through it.
Man I need to get out of this thing, so I can go to my two beautiful
girls, Azelya and Rose.
I miss my two baby girls, they mean the world to me. I will do
anything for them two girls. I want to get out and take care of my two
girls and make up for the time I missed in their life. Not able to see
them I cry at night, I cry myself to sleep at night just thinkin’ about
them.
But when I get out I’m going to go back to school. Then go
to college like LSU, Texas State, Florida State, or Clark in ATL. To
play football, basketball, or run track and study lawyer, engineer,
detective, or architect.
-Shawn
From The Beat: These are all wonderful dreams – to go to college, to
take care of your family, to be a father to your girls. Now it’s time to
turn those dreams into GOALS, and to take real steps to meet those
goals. What will be your first step?
When I Get Out
When I’m in jail, I feel lost and lonely. The day I get out I will become
a leader once again to my peers. They will see that I’m doing good
and they will do the same. The only thing that can get in the way of
me not doing good is me cutting off my GPS and me going back to
jail (or hell).
-Kevin
From The Beat: It’s good that you identified a potential obstacle. Do
you think you will be tempted to do that at some point? Cut off your
GPS? What would be the pros and cons of doing so?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 31
My Hope Is Gone
Hope is something I want to feel every day, my hope is gone. Every
time I feel I can do right, I prove myself wrong because I don’t have
hope. I hope I have it but I just don’t feel it, every time I take one
step forward, I get knocked back even farther…so my hope vibe goes
down lower.
I want to have hope, faith, confident, but I just can’t because I
get knocked back five hundred steps farther when I try to live up to
those curriculum but I just can’t, ‘cause I have no hope!
-Nyla
From The Beat: We know that it’s easy to get discouraged, but we can
also tell by your spirit and your other writing that there is a part of you
that DOES have hope, that knows you have talent and potential and
that you can do right by yourself. We all get knocked down – but it’s
the getting back up that we should be proud of. Tell us about the last
time you got back up after being knocked down!
To Be Sad But Not Mad
Oh, look, when I’m usually outside of juvy, I usually get mad and
want to get up and fight them. But I take three breaths a day so I can
calm my anger. I like it when Ms. Webb comes, ‘cause I can talk to
her a lot. Here is my poem:
I live, I laugh
I see, I walk,
Can’t believe where I’m at today
Hoping some way I can get out of here
Start a new path
Saving myself from jail
Realizing what I did
Hoping I never do it again.
-Jerry
From The Beat: Great poem, Jerry, and also a great vision for your
future. We hope this “new path” takes you to success. You have grown
so much during your time in the Hall, we know that you have learned
powerful new skills to take with you out into the world.
I Got The Most Game
When I was running the world
Three days ago FYI
I got the most game
Ball out till I fall out
Weak ninjas get called out
Money was the goal but that got old
Then I was in the navy and yo’ girl tried to shave me
Hands on dope in since 1981
One aim mayne never be tame
Gotta keep it same where is the frame that’s the line to blame
-Jalil
From The Beat: You have so much talent, Jalil. Some of your rhymes are
very imaginative and strong, but remember: Never rhyme for the sake
of the rhyme, make sure your rhymes mean something!
I Love Myself, If Nobody Else Will
I can’t escape from the stereotypes on me. How people judge me, it
follows me around. I try to change, I’m stuck on changing. I want
to be better, I want people to see I’m trying to change, I even have
adults putting me down, not wanting me to do good.
It bothers me ‘cause it won’t go away, but it gives me the
strength to do what I gotta do. ‘Cause I gotta do it for me. I love
myself, if nobody else will.
-Maiha
From The Beat: It’s hard to leave behind people’s ideas of the “old you”
when you’re trying to make a change – but like you say, you have to
do it for you. That’s why we make your last sentence the title, because
it was so powerful, and so true. What makes it easier (or harder) to
love yourself?
Standouts Alameda County Volume 17.01/02
Sugar Daddies
My father used to always eat sugar daddies, but to me they looked
like long messed up chocolate suckers, and at the time I really
didn’t like chocolate.
But one time at Easter, Pleasanton had a big egg hunt, and most
of the candy I found were the sugar daddies! Once I bit into one, all I
tasted was a mixture of chocolate, cinnamon, and caramel. It was so
good, no wonder why sugar daddies were my father’s favorite candy.
-Darielle
From The Beat: Nice story Darielle, maybe one day if you have kids,
you’ll pass down the sweet family tradition!
Well Well Well
Well well well
Well well well he broke my heart
I swear I wish I never even start.
He gave me false love and gave me false lines.
I feel so dumb to have stopped and gave him time.
All I can say is he was a worst life lesson
I wish I could change my worst adolescent
Even though I shouldn’t I miss what he say
I really hate the way he affects me and my ways.
-Arijah Marie
From The Beat: We’re sorry you ended up with someone who lied to you
and made you feel bad –you deserve better. Were there warning signs
that he was wrong for you – warning signs you can learn to recognize
next time around?
Thank You Mom, Thank You Sister!
In sixty seconds I would like to thank my mom for everything she
did for me, and making tame the strong independent young lady I am
today. Thank you Mama, I love you.
And in sixty seconds I would also like to thank my big sister
Champagne for being with me through every thing and for being a
big sister. I love you, thank you.
-Darnesha
From The Beat: What is the best thing you ever learned from your
Mom? How about your sister?
Banana Pudding
Well, my favorite holiday dish is banana pudding, because it is very
easy to make, and it tastes very good. So on the holidays that’s the
main dish I be looking forward to, so you know it be all about the
banana pudding.
-Benjamin
From The Beat: We hope you get out soon so that you can enjoy some
banana pudding with your family and loved ones in the new year!
First Time Locked Up
This is my first time locked up, it’s sad and hard at the same time.
It’s sad, because I miss my family, and it’s hard, because it’s my first
time, so I have to make friends meet people in here. Some of them
are here for something serious, some are here just for a couple days,
weeks or some make a year or a few years.
Since I’m not used to the time, when I’m in my room, the time
goes too slow. I feel like I’ve been in my room for the whole day.
When I go out it feels as if we were only outside for a few minutes.
The food I don’t really like. Some days I don’t really eat in the all day.
-Jorge
From The Beat: You’ve probably had some time to get used to it here by
now, but at the same time, you’ve probably noticed that some people
get too used to it, and that has its dangers too. Do you think this time
locked up has been helpful to you, in the long run?

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Alameda County
My Grandma is my Leader
My leader is my grandmother. She is my leader because she tries her
best to set a good example for me. She goes to work at a law firm in
San Francisco. She goes to church, she gives me good advice and
she does her best for me.
-Daesjsean
From The Beat: Your grandma sounds like an inspiring and wonderful
person! Could you give an example of specific advice she has given
you?
I Love Lifesavers!
I love Lifesavers candy. Ever since the first time I chewed a Lifesaver,
I have loved it. I think it saved my life, just like a DJ. The variety
of flavors are incredible. It was so delicious, tender, and juicy.
Lifesavers are all I need for the rest of my life. Whenever I cut a
Lifesaver, I felt my tummy having a dance party. Within the first bite
you take, you could feel the sweet, luscious, juicy fresh taste. The
first time I ever tasted a Lifesaver my sister gave me her whole pack,
because she disliked them.
Well you could call her crazy – but she saved my life!
-Honey
From The Beat: Hah—that was a funny ending. We love the way you set
the story up for that last joke, and we hope you get out soon and can
enjoy a new pack of Lifesavers!
Thirty Seconds Each
Dedicated to Grandma and Chris
To Grandma for thirty seconds: I’m thanking you for everything
you done in my life. I thank you for never giving up on me, always
there when I need you. You my guardian angel, I love you past
death… if something happens to you, my world is goin’ to end.
To my love for thirty seconds: I’m thanking you for loving me.
I never knew what it felt being loved and the way you showed me
was unpredictable, nobody, no boy can come before you. You are my
everything, I love you. The way you love me, I love you too.
-Keke
From The Beat: The best thing about having support and love from
positive people is that it gives you the strength to pursue your dreams.
What are those dreams? What would you like to be doing in ten years?
My Life Getting Ruled
I can’t write because this juvenile hall be gettin’ me down, ‘cause I
don’t like being here and having to stay in my room, thinking about
home. I don’t know what I miss most, just home. I like being able
to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I miss my mom and my
brother. My brother is seventeen. I haven’t talked to him yet.
This is my second time in here. The first time they sent me
to WETA – they sent me there because it was my first crime, and
after you do your time they make you go there. It’s OK, they care,
but it can be kinda boring, and you gotta wait for them to do their
paperwork, and then they make you go out and clean. It was fun at
Youth Uprising though, ‘cause you got to make beats and stuff. I’ve
been here for a week, but I haven’t talked to my mom yet because I
haven’t gotten a phone call. If I could talk to her, I would tell her I
love her, and that I’m bored. If I talked to my brother, he’d make fun
of me and call me stupid, ‘cause I got caught again, and then I’d ask
my mom again.
I want to call this piece “My Life Getting Ruled,” because I can’t
make my own choices in here.
-Kevin
From The Beat: Thank you for sharing a bit of your life and thoughts
with The Beat and our readers. When you get out, you will have a
chance to make choices on your own. What are some examples of
choices you’ll be making that could affect your future?
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 32
Ms. Webb and Mr. Bingham
Ms. Webb and Mr. Bingham really do, they always make me laugh
and appreciate life. Coming to jail ain’t a detriment to me, cause
meeting these two people made me see who I am and learn from my
mistakes so I can do better – ‘cause now I know better.
-NaeNae
From The Beat: Your counselors see the best in you – remember that
next time you are tempted to do something that could bring you pain
or drama in the long run. Remember that there are people who know
you deserve better!
How To Make Chicken
For the chicken,
Put the meat in some cold water
Get the flour out
Then get the V-oil, heat it up
Season the chicken
Then put it in the pan
-Jashon
From The Beat: Thanks for this recipe, Jashon! Hopefully you’ll be
home soon, so you can cook up a big chicken dinner for your family!
Hard To Stay Out Of Trouble
What’s up Beat! It’s your girl Shorty over here! Well shhh, I already
been down a month and a half but it’s good. I got court coming up
soon, so I think I’ll get out. Well yeah I can’t say I’m not goin’ to
mess up again, because I said that last time and look where I’m at.
Well I’m in here for assault and battery and got found guilty in
trial, so now I got to go to a group home. When I go to my group home
I’m goint to do my program and try to stop drinking and getting into
fights, but we’ll see how that plays out. It’s kinda hard to stay out of
trouble when you in the gangs and have to stay on your toes...
-Shorty
From The Beat: Your last sentence left us with a lot of questions,
wondering whether being involved with gang life will constantly get
you back into places you don’t want to be. Is there a way to step back
from the fights? And if there isn’t does that mean you will have to
spend the rest of your life fighting?
I Hate That I’m Lost
It’s funny how yo’ patnas always say, oh I gotcha no matter what.
But once you get locked up it’s like you never existed. I hate that
I’m lost in my thug world. It’s just me and this Nina to the end. My
Nina is the only thing I can count on. It’s the only thing I know will
always be there.
-Lil Tooda
From The Beat: We’re sorry you feel this way – it must be terrible to feel
like the only thing you can count on is a weapon – a machine that is
made for causing death. Are there any people in your family that you
trust? Or any positive friends?
I Want To Thank My Mom….
I will love to thank the people who even though I was messing up
they always will tell me they would not give up on me. And I want to
thank all my friends and family for caring about me and telling me
how important I was to them.
Last and not least, I want to thank my mom for never giving up
on me and showing me love and telling me how proud she is to have
me as her daughter. I also want to end it by telling my Mom I love you
and I’m sorry for making you go through this. You are my queen and
the person I will die for – I love you Mami.
-Veronica
From The Beat: One day you might really make a speech –one that
celebrates your successes and achievements and share them with your
loved ones. What would you want to win an award for, if you could
choose something.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 33
If You Don’t Think About It,
It Will Go Faster
When you are in Juvenile Hall, time can feel slow as hell, especially
when you know how long you have. It seems like when you don’t
have a clue when you’re getting out, your time goes by faster.
When time passes by slowly, there isn’t much to do, but do a
good program so you can be out of your room with the group. If you
don’t think about time, it will go by faster. I hate when time goes by
fast on the outs, but in here I want it to go by fast.
-Zach
From The Beat: Good insights, Zach! It left us wanting to hear more
of your thoughts on time and how it works. For example, why do you
hate when time goes by fast on the outs? What else is different about
how you relate to the world out there versus when you’re inside?
Too High!
One day when I got a very bad high was on a very hot summer day. It
was me and my cousins and we decide to smoke a bela (two blunts
put together). Also, by the way, my cousin had some boe and he put
it on the bela. So, we finished smoking and I was high, but I was
feeling real bad.
I had cottonmouth and we were in the park so we didn’t have
no kind of drink. I started sweating a lot. I felt like my heart was
going to stop. I think it was because the heat and because I didn’t
have anything to drink. I learned a lesson: to never smoke on a hot
summer day. If I do, I should have something to drink!
-Lil Rigo
From The Beat: At least you learned something from your experience.
Tired Of The Game
I really love money.
Sometimes I’m tired of the game.
Waking up in jail.
So much head aches and pain.
Wishing I could turn my life around.
It’s just the same.
But I’m too deep in the game,
Thinking about what I’m goin’ to change.
Like I said, I love this money.
Man, I ain’t ever goin’ to change.
Keep gettin’ kicked out of school.
Mom said I ain’t goin’ to graduate.
So I gotta get this dough to bake
Me a whole cake.
I’m messin’ with a lot of ninjas.
Yeah, that stuff is dumb.
Yeah, I play with guns.
But it really ain’t for fun.
It’s for suckers who try to test me.
And gotta fill this whole drum.
-Da
From The Beat: Is money really more important than your freedom or
your safety? Really? Can’t you still graduate? It might take some time.
But, again, it’s your freedom and your life on the line. Wouldn’t it be
worth it?
Standouts Alameda County Volume 17.01/02
Leaving Here
What’s good with the Beat readers/ This yo’ girl babygirl Cadi/
Destiny/Caridad
I’m leaving either at the end of this week or next Monday. I’m
so ready to get out. Man, this is my last piece so I’m going to try and
top all my other pieces, see how I’ve grown. Here goes nothing:
I won’t miss the drama
I won’t miss the stupidity
I won’t miss the anger
I won’t miss the hurt
I won’t miss the locked doors
But I will miss the lessons learned
I will miss the protection
I will miss my sense of peace
Scared I’ll end up being his prostitute
Wondering if the street will still have that pull
Trying with all my soul to stay on that narrow road,
‘Cause the wide one leads to destruction and death
I’m ready to say goodbye
Because that fifteen year old was loving life
With not a care in the world.
-Caridad
From The Beat: We hope the very best for you, Caridad. You have been
a wonderful writer, leader, and teacher during your time with The Beat,
and we hope the next time someone tries to use you that you remember
how wonderful and valuable you are as a person. Peace!
Ten Years Ten Kids!
In ten years I see myself playing football and having ten kids. And
with a big house and living with all my family. Bad things could stop
me. Like, still I don’t do drugs but drugs and not listening to yo’
mom and not paying attention in class.
-Otis
From The Beat: It’s good that you are able to identify some of the
things that could get in the way of having the life and family you
want. Now that you know some of the obstacles, do you have ideas on
how to overcome them?
My Second Christmas In Here
What’s up Beat, it’s your boy up in the Max, doing time, playing
cards with my people in the unit. Man Beat I don’t know how much
time I got left in here. I don’t have no more court dates, my PO said I
probably stay here until I’m eighteen years old, but I’m only sixteen
and a half years old. This is going to be my second Christmas up in
here. I miss my family a lot, and I’m positive that they miss me too.
-Downer
From The Beat: That’s a long time to be locked up. When will you know
for sure how long your sentence is going to be? What are some of the
ways you maintain calm and manage the stress that comes with being
unsure of your fate or future?
Shawty Shawty Shawty
Hey beautiful what you doin’
I just happened to notice you when you walk by
Damn girl you stay so damn fly
I want to know you look like the apple in my damn eye
I like yo’ swag, just throw it in the bag
I’m fast like I’m a dress like a mac type
Ump in the wipe
Cruise to the crib and baby girl let me show you to live
You be poppin’ you be droppin’ Shawty I been jockin’ you
Shawty!
-Shawn
From The Beat: Thanks for standing up and performing this song in
front of the whole unit, it takes real courage to do that. Can you think
of other times in your life where you’ve shown courage and been proud
of yourself?

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Alameda County
I Love Butterfingers
I have several candies that I love and I can’t be without, but the one
can that I will kill over is a Butterfinger: it’s nice and chocolaty with
a hard peanut brittle. The peanut brittle is sugar and butter and it
just melts in your mouth with the chocolate and it just tastes so
milky and just so delicious. I love this candy because when you eat
the chocolate off of the Butterfinger, you still got the candy!
-Teela
From The Beat: There’s a lesson in here about enjoying life to the fullest
and appreciating each moment. What do you think it is?
I Got Saved By Coming In Here
I feel like I got saved by coming in here, because if I was in the hood
I would have probably been in some deep shhh somewhere on the
streets robbing someone or shooting someone. All I’m just saying is
that I’m happy for what God done for me in my life, and I’m thankful.
-Lil Dee
From The Beat: Congratulations on what sounds like a serious second
chance, that’s a true gift. What new decisions have you made in order
to make the most of this chance? What will you be doing differently
from now on?
Another Case of Heartbreak
So accustomed to the usual heartbreaks
Damn it breaks my heart to see your heart break
Ha I guess it’s just another case of a heartbreak yeah,
We partyin’ in this game we call life
Lost in the twists and turns of our intertwined lives.
Love is blind and I’m lost in this life .
I’m sick and tired of bein’ in here. I’m stressin’
I’m facin’ five to ten!
-Kinsha
From The Beat: You’ve had to face heartbreak after heartbreak in your
life. There’s nothing you can do about past pain, but every day you
learn new strategies and skills to help with what’s coming up. What are
some of those strategies?
Cuando Estoy En Mi Casa
Cuando yo estoy en la juvenil yo me siento esperado por que me
quiero air a mi casa pero no puedo. Pero el tiempo para es ya rapido.
Y cuando y estoy en la Juvenil me pongo triste por que yo quiero
estar con me familia pero no puedo. A veces el dia y la semana esta
rapido y cuando mi mama no viene tarde me pongo triste. Y a veces
penso la casa que ise de por que estoy aqui y me repiendo lo qui se
pero es muy tarde.
From The Beat: Cuando regresas a tu casa es importante que tu te
recuerdas todos esos sentimientos de tristeza, por que no quieres estar
otra vez incarcerado. Pero hay muchas jovenes que hagan los mismos
faltas muchas veces. Crees que vas a repetir los faltas de ayer, o vas a
cambiar tus acciones?
When I’m Home
When I’m in juvie, I feel like all I want to do is go home, but I can’t,
and I won’t be going home any time soon. And when I’m in juvie I feel
sad because I want to be with my family but I can’t. And sometimes
the days and the weeks pass quickly and when my mother doesn’t
come, I feel sad. And then I think about my house, and wish I was
here, and feel bad, but it’s too late. And sometimes I think about
the things I did that got me here, and I feel bad about what I did, but
it’s too late.
-Brandon
From The Beat: When you go home it will be important to remember
all these sad feelings, because you don’t want to come back. But many
young people make the same mistakes over and over again. Do you
think you will repeat your past mistakes, or do you plan to change
your actions?
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 34
My Gun is My Prized Possession
All these bad temptations just won’t go away. The temptations to
carry a gun won’t go away. The temptation to shoot when I see the
suckas won’t go away. I’m always tempted to do wrong and not do
right. I get the temptation to hang out late with the OG’s and get high
with my finger on the trigger.
To be honest, it’s hard not to have a gun. I be paranoid
sometimes, and I always gotta watch my back. It seems like when
you don’t have a gun, bad things happen.
I have lost a lot of family and friends over gun violence, but yet
and still my gun is my prized possession.
-Joshua
From The Beat: We know you “feel” safer when you have a gun – but
do you ever think about whether you might not NEED the gun if you
started doing other, safer things to make money, or if you started
hanging out in different, safer places, and stopped spending time with
certain associates?
The Path I Thought Was Right
For so long I’ve been walking this path
The path that I thought was right
A never ending road that will always last
A fight for survival and power
A path full of danger and disaster
It goes both ways either good or bad
At a point you can be happy, but then again sad
A path full of pain and regret
I walk with my head up, with no shame
But people always judge
They need someone to blame
-No Name
From The Beat: You write so powerfully here – next time be sure to sign
your name because this is writing to be proud of. What path do you
think you are on now? The same one, or a new one?
The Clock Already Stopped
Jail is patience so time flies by
You don’t think about it so much
Unless holidays or important days come
But this time is my fourth time being in here,
And it’s messing with me
I missed birthdays, important days,
And time has passed me by.
I wish I could go back and turn the hands on the clock.
One day I looked in the mirror and realized
I let too much time pass me by.
-Nae Nae
From The Beat: It’s not too much time if it taught you valuable lessons
about how you wanted to live, and if you’ve come out of these
experiences determined to change the destructive habits you used to
have, and build on the positive ones you are developing!
A fight for survival and power
A path full of danger
and disaster
It goes both ways
either good or bad
At a point you can be happy,
but then again sad

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 35
It’s Not Cracking In The Halls
It’s not cracking in the halls
The reason why it’s not crackin’ in the halls is
‘Cause ninjas wear the same draws
In the hall it ain’t shhh
To do, but wait and watch what happens
‘Cause ninjas in the unit
Make shhh happen
So best believe when a
Ninja come through we all
About that action
But on the real I’m tired
Of ninjas whoopin’ ninjas butts
I really need to chill and
Think about the fam before
Something else goes down
But right now what I need
In my life is a girl that’s
Goin’ to keep me right
And that’s goin’ to stay by
My side through thick and think
You dig, but when that girl
Does come I hope she
Ready to have a kid
Man if I was to have
A kid right now that would make things better
For me in the end
Because then I have something
To live for
I mean I got shhh to live for
But a kid would make it better
-Derrell
From The Beat: Do you really think that a girl will change everything
for you? We think that you should change for yourself before you bring
a life into this world.
Time Go By Quick In Juvie
Time go by quick in jail, when you really don’t trip. I spent one
hundred eighty three days, and it don’t feel like it, for real. I think
it’s the same program repetition that makes it go by.
-Money Mike
From The Beat: Is it better, easier for you, if time goes by fast or slowly
in juvy? Do you like the repetition of school, your other programs, or
is it monotonous?
I Pushed My Family Away
Time in this juvenile hall seems to fly by rapidly. I look at the date
and the year, and I think – where did it all go? And what do I have
to show? It’s like the system has raised me – but for what? I have a
perfect place to be – with mi familia. They’ve always been there, but
I’m just starting to realize that they’re not the ones who are out to
get me. I’m the one who pushed them away.
-Jazzy
From The Beat: You’re always so honest, especially with yourself. Since
you’ve pushed your family, who’s there for you, away, how can you get
them to trust you, and welcome you back into their lives? Whatever
you have to do, will you do it?
My Mom’s Perfect Ambrosia
Ambrosia is my favorite dish, because my mom makes it perfect.
It is made of pineapples, peaches, grapes, and more fruit, with
marshmallows and whipped cream.
-Jeremiah
From The Beat: Does your mom make ambrosia for your family only
on holidays? Has she taught you to make it? Does she/do you put in
maraschino cherries, to make it totally delicious?
Standouts San Francisco County Volume 17.01/02
Keep My Name Out Your Mouth
Man, what’s up with these dumb females speakin’ on the kid, talkin’
‘bout, they don’t play? Man, get out of here with that nonsense. They
know where I stay at.
I don’t care where you from, who you mess with, man, get out
of my face, speakin’ on me. It ain’t my fault you got caught boppin’
it. I was just lettin’ the homies know, but it’s nothin’, man. You a lil
problem in my life, man. Forget it.
-Termite
From The Beat: Did you create any mess, talking about these females to
your friends? It certainly is something to these girls, if you disrespect
them. Are you a lil’ problem in your own life?
Cause and Effect
‘Cause I smoked blunts
I got high
‘Cause I got high
I made bad decisions
‘Cause I made bad decisions
I hit licks
‘Cause I hit licks
I got caught
‘Cause I got caught
I missed two holidays
‘Cause I missed two holidays
I missed out on precious memories
‘Cause I missed out on precious memories
Life will never be the same
-Y
From The Beat: Another great cause and effect piece! We know it sucks
to have missed out on precious memories, but there is definitely time
to create NEW memories going forward as long as you are committed
to staying out of the hall in your future.
Here To Stay
Baby, you want Young Money, so here go an overdose
You love to hold me close, and ride me like a rollercoaster
I’m diggin’ you the most. I’m tryin’ to do it all
I can be Q, you can be M, like love and basketball
You can be Baby Money ‘til my casket fall
And I ain’t bow, Little Ma, but you could have it all
And how you feel ‘bout me, you know I feel the same
No drama or games, or time for the lames
Your friend’s single. Try to tell ‘em that you’re switchin’ lanes
You want to marry me, so we goin’ to switch your name
And, it don’t matter who I am. I’m never goin’ to change
Mike Money, Money Mike. You know I’m here to stay
-Money Mike
From The Beat: You’re already gone now, but you’ll be back, and we
hope you’ll be out, home to stay. You seem to have created a good life
on the outs, so can you develop it, stay out of any mess, and out of
juvy? And definitely write more raps!
The Street Life
I grew up in a hood full of animals.
It’s like the feds built it with they brains being tactical.
And beef between two ‘hoods make me feel like a cannibal.
Then shots get fired, and put holes in your body, like a
cantaloupe.
But that green make my ears think it’s musical.
So, the street life really showed me what’s beautiful.
-T-Gunns
From The Beat: With your true insights into your dangerous
neighborhood, how do you live there, without ever becoming an
animal? Can/do you stay out of your ‘hood wars? As beautiful as money
is, is it worth risking your life in the streets to get it?

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
San Francisco County
I’m Worried About Getting Deported
What’s up with The Beat? This week was kind of fun, chilling with
the homies, even though we locked up, but the hell with it.
My lawyer told me some bad news, that I’m supposedly getting
deported. Yeah, that sucks. I hope I don’t get deported, though, but,
yeah, I hope I get out soon. I’m having a family visit pretty soon, and
I’m going to see most of my family.
I’m going to stop smoking.
-Young Droops
From The Beat: If you’re in the US without documentation, can you
get an immigration attorney, to see if you have anything special about
your situation/case that may convince a judge to keep you in the US?
Good luck!
I’m Trill
The “T” is for tellin’ it how it is, and how I see it.
The “R” is for real and fake ninjas, tryin’ to be it.
“I” is incredible, got to see it to believe it.
The “L” is for loyalty, lavish, and livin’ in freedom.
The “L” is for the L’s I spark, and ease my mind.
I’m just a trill ninja, and I’m runnin’ out of time.
This is not a rap, just some deep thought I had in my mind for
a while.
-Ant
From The Beat: Is your “A” for always being humble, modest, and shy?
The “N” for nobody is as cool as you are? And does the “T” represent
how tender and true you are? Or just “Trill?”
Saved
Man, I’ve been saved plenty of times, from being shot on a late night
ride, from going to church, and sitting in the front row, thinking
about giving my life to Christ. But, at the end of the day, I was the
same ninja.
I saved a couple of ninjas from getting pounded on when they
was out of bounds. So, with this said, everybody has their times
when they need to be saved...at least in my ‘hood.
-Mike
From The Beat: How has someone having saved you, changed your
life? Do we also need to be brave enough to jump in when someone
is crying out for help, to do whatever s/he needs? It seems like you
already have.
All This, And A Pinch Of…
One pinch of love
One pinch of hate
One pinch pf sweetness
One pinch of happiness
One pinch of hot breath
One pinch of you’re goin’ to die soon
One pinch of stress
One pinch of sour kisses
One pinch of empty hugs
One pinch of moment for life
One pinch of solid promises
One pinch of ‘hood
One pinch of gurly gurl
One pinch of trees lovers
One pinch of guns holders
One pinch of set them on fire
One pinch of crazy friends
And all this and one pinch of…love
-Taylor
From The Beat: You’re cooking a beautiful gumbo of ingredients that
make up love. How about adding sweet kisses, huge hugs, and leaving
out the guns holders? You also have a diverse imagination, which must
spice up the life of everyone you love, and your own.
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 36
Nowhere Is Safe
What’s up with The Beat? It’s that Choppa Boy, Co-Bang. What I got
to say about a safe place is, I really don’t have a safe place, because I
don’t think any place is safe from tragic or violent disasters. Because
most places, or should I say all places, have a form of violent actions
that does not make anyone or anything safe.
But if I had to choose a safe place to be, it would be chillin’ on
a tropical island on a sunny day on the patio, sippin’ on the finest
bottle of Patron.
-Co-Bang
From The Beat: Is your room, home, neighborhood, school, anywhere,
safe? What’s your life like on the outs? What secure island would you
choose to go to, to chill, sip Patron, gin and juice? Tahiti? Jamaica?
Fed Up
What’s poppin’ with The Beat? As for me, I’m maintainin’, stayin’
real humble in this thing, but shhh is dry, cousin. I’m waiting to get
shipped off already to start my time, because right now I’m doing
dead time, wasting my life around all dudes, not the business, do
you know what I’m sayin’?
Aye, I’m in this thing, tryin’ to get my high school diploma,
so I can go to college, play football, and try to make it to the NFL,
because, real shhh, I’m a beast on that field.
A ninja really ready for a change. I’m tired of puttin’ my family
and mom through a lot of stress, and always having to watch my
back from suckers and shakes. People tryin’ to make names for
themselves. Come on, it’s in my blood, but word of advice: Keep
your friends close but your enemies closer, feel me? I’m off the line.
I ain’t see you, you ain’t see me.
-Money Vern
From The Beat: We see you, Vern. How can you live your life without
creating enemies, keep yourself safe, protect your family, maybe get
your head, your future out of your neighborhood?
I’ve Been Here Too Long
Aye, what’s up with The Beat? I’ve been here for too long. They be
playin’ me out, for real, but it’s all good. Man, it’s hard to get it lit up
in here. The only thing that keeps our unit lit is when people gettin’
on each other, or arguing, but sometimes it gets played out. Then
we all get on split, and all hell breaks loose. People sayin’, wait ‘til
she come out, I’m goin’ to get in that beezie’ face!” Then, it’s like,
“Damn, man, it’s crazy,” but, yeah, I’m out.
-Taylor
From The Beat: When the drama in your unit becomes the most exciting
event in your life, yes, it’s so time for you to get out. What is your
life like on the outs? What are you learning? Creating? How will you
achieve what you want in your life?
What’s Up?
What’s up with The Beat?
What’s up with what happens on the street?
What’s up with this time that goes by every week?
What’s up with the judge, who doesn’t give me no chance to
speak?
What’s up with the President, being in my situation is
irrelevant?
What’s up with this system, thinkin’ I’m dumb, but I’m
intelligent?
Ya heard me?
Rock solid boy out.
-T-Gunns
From The Beat: Your attorney speaks for you in court, but a judge
can ask you something you can answer. You can always write the
judge a letter, explaining whatever you want, to give to your PD.
Unfortunately, people may get their opinion of you by how they assess
your actions, especially when they don’t know your mind.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 37
Something To Say
Sitting in juvenile hall
I may be short, pero, I keep standing tall
I got another month in here
I’m hella disappointed. I ain’t going no damn where
My inner thoughts continuously eat my mind
The demons of my past, I can’t quite leave behind
I had my family visit. I miss them already
Their presence is still in my mind, heavy
I just got to keep striving forward, staying steady
Not getting caught up with stuff that’s so petty
-Jazzy
From The Beat: Nice poem. Will you be going home to your family? Do
they encourage you to go to school, stay out of the streets, get real
work? Can your memories guide you into a life you’ll like and be proud
of?
Ride Or Die
I got a ride or die chick; she always on my side
We good for each other, like Bonnie and Clyde
She my gutta beezie, so I know she down to ride
She a never keep a secret. She a say what’s on her mind
I like her a lot. She the girl of my dreams
She say, “Us against the world,” so I ain’t worried by a thing
She love a ninja tough, like Beyonce love to sing
Lil Momma like a robber, ‘cause she stole a ninja’ heart
Love at first sight; yeah, I knew it from the start
A lil thug. Passion know we can never be apart
-D-Easy
From The Beat: Tender poem to/about the lady who inspired it. But why
is it you two against the world, instead of inside, or with the world? If
she thinks you’re wrong sometimes, does she let you know? Isn’t that
what a true woman does?
To Change A Young Life
To change a black young brother’ life, my solution is to do good in
life. In the future, I want to go to college, so I could make something
out of my life. I don’t want to be locked up. I want to be something.
My mom is having it hard. I want to change my life so bad. If I
keep going down the wrong path, I won’t be able to do anything in
the future. I don’t want my mom crying. I don’t know where I’m at. I
don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t want my mom going through that.
But the only thing is, my real mom died when I was a baby, but
now my grandma is taking care of me. But I call her my mom, and I
love her, I really do, with all my heart. If it wasn’t for her, I could be
dead or in jail, like I am now, that’s why I can’t wait until I get out,
so I could change my life.
-Gregory
From The Beat: You have our hearts about your mom, and are lucky to
have your wonderful grandma. What job, career, are you interested in,
to get school classes, skills, work experience you need? Can you work
with someone in that profession as soon as you get out?
I don’t want my mom
crying. I don’t know
where I’m at. I don’t
know what I’m doing.
I don’t want my mom
going through that.
Standouts San Francisco County Volume 17.01/02
In Juvie For Two Christmases,
New Year’s
My New Year’s resolutions are: Not to be in here next year on New
Years, because I’ve been in here for New Years two years in a row,
two Christmases in a row, and I’m fed up with my habits and this
juvenile hall, because I’m tired of going to jail. So, I’m goin’ to just
do my time, get off probation, so I can move on with my life.
My second New Year’s resolution is to mess with straight Asian
and Pacific Islander girls, because some other girls are too racket
for me. I’m getting tired of them. I have to change up my style. I’ve
been messing with those other girls for too long, and they can’t do
nothing for me, but give me pleasure and try to love me, but they
always want to argue and fight. I’m fed up with all my old bad habits.
-Kid Ant
From The Beat: Should you choose your girlfriend based on her
character, not on her race? Is she honest, funny, smart, willing to work
hard, goes to school, establishes a real life? But isn’t someone giving
you pleasure, loving you, a great start? It takes two to argue, so what
happens if you walk away?
I’m The King, Like Chess
I play you, like some dominoes
I’m too sick, call me phenomenal
My rhymes are prestigious
I’m so smart, ninjas call me a genius
Not a damn mark
Ninja, y’up, I’m the king, like chess
Boy, sit back, relax, and let my pawns do the rest
I put you to the test
Can’t move that way
Got him stuck, like, check
You’re idle, your life’s a living wreck
Now he gone, he got smacked with fat tec
Just like my homie got hit with fat .40
Now he with his lost loved ones
His dead homies
-Young Bleak
From The Beat: You may be a real player, a king with pawns who
make your moves for you, but gloating about somebody else’s death,
tragically, won’t bring your cousin back, right? Behind all your fronting,
you’re understandably grieving. You have our hearts.
My Best Friend
Is Not A Good Friend
When I get out of here, I’m going to do what I got to do to stay out,
because I miss my mom and my poom poom baby. I love my baby.
He means a lot to me.
When I get out, I’m going to think about the people I be with,
because I found out my best friend was not being a good friend. I
don’t know why I didn’t stop messin’ with her when my boyfriend
told me to. I guess I had to find out the hard way.
-Shakarri
From The Beat: Is it always better to find out everything for yourself?
Maybe your boyfriend was right to warn you about your best friend,
but now you know on your own, who she is. Even so, that must hurt.
I Care About Going Home
If I could, I’d go home, be with my girl, go smoke some weed, go see
my friends. I’d take my girl to Crab Shack, eat crab, fish, oysters,
shrimp. Take my girl out to the movies--shooting movies, ‘hood to
‘hood, like real life.
-Damarcus
From The Beat: What movies you’ve seen, seem most like your life?
What character is like you? Does he have the same motives, skills,
sense of purpose, humor as you do? What have movies taught you?
What would a movie of your life be like?

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
San Francisco County
I Love To Talk To Females
What do I see?
I see a unit with walls that close in on you
I see people living life on the outs
From my cell, what do I hear?
Well, when my Metro works, I can talk to all the females
Do you know what I’m sayin’, lil bro?
I love it when I talk to the females
Man, it make everything smooth
I was talking to this girl, and I heard she was cute
So I’m still trying to see what’s good
But the funny thing is, that I’m in jail
And I can’t talk to her, like I would be able to if I was out
-Derrell
From The Beat: Is being in juvy like being an infant all over again,
when you can’t do, talk to whoever you want, whenever you want? On
the outs, will you remember what being deprived of your necessities/
pleasures is like, and not mess up again?
Fake People
I hate it when people over here in the halls actin’ like they the
biggest, baddest, toughest cowboy in the world. Sayin’ they did this,
they got that, but knowin’ damn well they don’t got shhh. They need
to stop sayin’ they got girls, knowin’ damn well they really don’t.
They just run they mouths too much, but know they ain’t goin’ to
do nothing about it. It’s just annoying. I just laugh at them in their
faces.
-Jerk
From The Beat: People who front are annoying, but can you have a
good heart for them, because maybe they are experimenting with
becoming men, by talking, acting as if they already are?
So Stressed Out
Can’t sleep at night. Stressed out.
Hair falling out. Stressed out.
Mind ain’t right. Stressed out.
Thinking about my family. Stressed out.
My girl on my mind. Stressed out.
Hungry, ‘cause I’m not fed good enough.
Stressed out.
Been in here for months. Stressed out.
Can’t even get my hair cut. Stressed out.
Tired of certain staff. Stressed out.
Pain in my back from the hard mattress.
Stressed out.
Doin’ a lot of push-ups, tryin’ to get big
‘Cause I’m stressed out.
Man, I need to be freed, so I can change
‘Cause I’m really stressed out.
-Holli
From The Beat: Is all your stress juvy-related? Do you also get tense
at home? When you’re stressed in juvy, do you sing, read, write, play
games, watch TV, talk to your friends? What helps?
Better Day
When I’m speeding through my life
And I see the red and blue lights
And I’m on my third strike
So, the judge gives me life
It’s okay
Tomorrow will be a better day
-Goldilocks
From The Beat: Why are you speeding through your life, especially if
you know that if you get arrested, another conviction can become your
third strike? What’s driving, destroying you? Can you stop it? Do you
need/can you get help?
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 38
A Trap
Things that make people feel like it’s difficult to escape a situation
is called the trap. And right now I feel like I’m in a situation I think
I can’t handle, and I just really ain’t feeling it. But if life brings lots
of situations I’m goin’ to have to deal with, I’ll find the best ways to
break through the trap and try my best, but I’m still trapped right
now, but I’m looking for the time.
-T-Gunns
From The Beat: Did you set yourself up for this trap? If not, did you
feel it coming? It’s true that some options to deal with laws can seem
to trap you. Does your PD give you good legal advice?
The Beat
‘Cause you were smoking dro
Your pee test became highly positive
‘Cause your pee test became highly positive
You received a bench warrant
‘Cause you received a bench warrant
You went on the run
‘Cause you went on the run
You popped pills, smoked dro, and drank
‘Cause you popped pills, smoked dro, and drank
You chilled with the homies,
‘Cause you chilled with the homies
They made you feel wanted
‘Cause they made you feel wanted
Y’all became partners in crime
‘Cause y’all became partners in crime
You attracted a lot of police attention
‘Cause you attracted a lot of police attention
You got locked up
‘Cause you got locked up your
Life became a struggle
-T Gunnz
From The Beat: We LOVE this cause and effect! What happens before
the dro and after the struggle? How do you change where you end up?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 39
Your Soul Is Your Spirit
To me, soul is your spirit. Your soul is your innermost person that
is not out on display for the whole world to see. I believe our souls
are the part of us that live forever, after our bodies die.
I remember, or I guess, I really feel my soul during certain
moments of life, such as looking at a beautiful view of the stars,
listening to a song that means a lot to me, making passionate love,
writing poetry, driving through the city in the middle of the night,
sippin’ on a high-speed...you know, things like that make me really
feel my soul. Right now, my soul is tired and lonely. I need some
excitement in my life!
-Ashton
From The Beat: What does your soul deeply yearn for now? You’re
young, and may need to party for a minute, but what do you want to
accomplish with your life, with your wonderful mind, soul, heart?
I Want To Practice Some Lion Dance
My New Year’s resolution would be getting out of jail, and go back
into school, and get my grades up, and get a diploma from school.
I would want to have a better career, after having my diploma after I
graduate high school. My career that I’m thinking of would be fixing
up cars, or be opening a car shop, and to sell cars.
My other New Year’s resolution will be not staying out late and
chilling with friends. Go join the sport team, like football, at my high
school. I should stop playing video games, up so late, and go back
into school. I would not do anything bad any more, and get arrested.
I would want to go practice some Lion Dance, and try to get into the
competition out of state.
-Raymond
From The Beat: You have great ideas how to stay out of any mess,
juvy. Can you hang in a garage, learn to fix up cars, when you’re out?
Learn auto mechanics at a vocational school, as part of your college
education? And, definitely, Lion Dance.
Anxiety, Fears, Paranoid, Doubts
Sitting in my room, my thoughts full of anxiety
Of being on the outs, close to criminal varieties
Back to where I’m from, it’s all about the money
Can’t be broke, or they’ll look at you funny
Fast money, everywhere it’s hard to resist
Easy to come up, but so full of risk
So, my thoughts are full of fears
That the next time, I’ll be serving years
So, my chances of making it, I really doubt
Because it’s hard to make it through this route
Every day I’m on the streets, real paranoid
My emotions are real cold, and my heart is a void
So, I’ll keep trying again and again
And, hopefully, I’ll beat this game that’s hard to win
-Goldilocks
From The Beat: What ever happened to getting a real job? Would you
care if your friends laughed at you, because you might make small
money to start? Is your paranoia and fear of living your life out in
prison, eating you alive?
My New Buns I Got
My New Year’s Resolution is to be cool, but people keep playing with
me, so I’m goin’ to start bein’ rude to these dudes.
But on the real, I’m just tryin’ to kick it with my new buns I got,
and see how far we go from there. But, she sound like she the one,
and if she is, then you know your boy goin’ to wife her on the real.
Yeah, babe. I’m talking ‘bout you. Love you.
-Derrell
From The Beat: It’s lovely that you’d like to make this lady your wife.
Will you be home soon, be able to hang with her, get to know her?
Would you be willing to stop any mess to be with her?
Standouts San Francisco County Volume 17.01/02
Why, Oh Why?
Why do people always test you like you a beezie? I mean, most people
just don’t learn that you, when ninjas say that they ain’t playing no
more, ninjas want to keep going, but if you do it again with me, I’ll
mess with you. I ain’t playing. Just because I have not banked a
ninja’s shhh in a minute, don’t mean I won’t. But somebody told me
to be smooth, so now I’m on my smooth shhh.
-Derrell
From The Beat: Whoever told you to be your smooth self is very funny,
wise. You’re smart not to let anyone provoke you. Can you just give
anyone messing with you a wild-eyed, crazy look?
Even
The pen can be stronger than a gun, but it depends on what situation
you’re in. The ink of a pen can be used for a few parts in life, like
justice, romance and communication. The only thing that a gun got
more power over a pen, is for destroying things faster. Ink writes
words, gun gets things done. So tell me, Beat, what do you know
about it, huh?
-BA
From The Beat: What can guns do except threaten, hurt, kill people?
What skills, talents can you use to accomplish what you need to do,
more effectively, less dangerously, than sticking up people?
The Pen Vs. The Gun/Sword
The pen is powerful, sometimes, unless you are using it for things
like writingstatements, because that’s when the gun/sword comes in
place as a mightier weapon.
But as long as you are using the pen to get somewhere in
life, like school work or job things, that’s when the pen comes in
place, because when it comes to those type of things, a gun doesn’t
come in handy, unless you’re applying for a gun job, or going to the
shooting range.
-Kid Ant
From The Beat: In what kind of writing statements does a gun give
better results than a pen? Why do you need a gun to get a statement
across to someone else? If you can’t persuade someone with reasoning,
charm, humor, empathy, and without a gun, should you forget about it?
We Creeping
Creeping
We creeping. Touch money.
We the no-names, the ninjas that you can’t blame.
So we creeping, ski mask and a beanie.
Tryin’ to tuck low, so you ninjas can’t see me.
I’m hella high, yeah, I’m floating like a genie.
If you peek around a corner, then the ruba start bleaming.
My big homie showed me how to freaking creep.
-Sav
From The Beat: Good poem, but it sounds like, with your creeping in
disguise, you were up to no good. Did you creep your way right into
juvy? If so, what has that taught you? To be up front and proud of
whatever you do?
Girl, I Need You
She got me screaming on my two feet.
Her heart so lovely, and she so sweet.
Girl, you are the angel in the sky that I see.
Girl, I need you right beside me.
I need you. I need you.
-Frisco, the Kid
From The Beat: Lovely poem, but as long as you’re in juvy, she can’t be
anywhere near you. So, is your lesson to stop messing up, go home,
and be with her? Yes, it is.

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
San Francisco County
Life and Times
‘Cause your parents grew up poor
You were born into a life of poverty
‘Cause there was no money in the household, pops split.
You grow up without a father figure
So your turn to the streets
‘Cause you’re looking for that father figure
You fight in school and in your hood
‘Cause you’re angry and are missing something
So you grow up getting into more fights
Which ultimately turns into beef
‘Cause you and your friends got beef
You pack pistols.
You got kicked out of school
‘Cause of those fights
You need money but have no education
So you hustle and hit licks to get your
Paper up
‘Cause you got your money
Friends envy you and police are watching
You and your friend hit a lick but got caught
‘Cause y’all got caught yo’ homie told on you
You got told on now you facing ten in YA
‘Cause you got caught now you
See the streets for what they are
You have no one but the one you forgot
About in the beginning was your moms.
-Hytz
From The Beat: We really like how you take us all the way from the
beginning. Do you think that these cause and effects speak to a greater
issue in our society that needs to be addressed?
Interview With Alfonzo
I came to the United States in look for a job. I was trying to find any
work that made money. I live in Oakland, with the husband of my
mother’s cousin.
People were different from back home. I like living here,
because of the liberty and protection. I felt secure, unlike living
in Honduras, where violence is a common thing. My cousin was a
victim of a murder, and there is still no motive to the killing.
The only thing I miss about my home in Honduras is my family.
I feel bare in here. I got caught up doing illegal activities with my
friends, and that’s why I am in here.
-Alfonzo
From The Beat: Can you not give into whatever inspired you to get
caught up with anything illegal, again? Can you make new good
friends, go to school, get some legal work? Welcome to the USA.
My Recipe
When I first got locked up my body
Raved with heat so every time I get
Into the courtroom my heart starts to beat
I been here for nine months every day
My blood boils, I’m in jail now I can’t
Do anything I can’t smoke my pain away
I have to marinate in my emotions I
Miss being out and feeling constant pleasure
So much pain and weight I’m carrying. It’s
Too heavy to measure. I hallucinate sometimes
My sweat can fill up a cup. I stick to
Myself some people just nosey and doing
Nothing but stirring the mix I’m not goin’ to
Sprinkle salt on it so I just told it how it is
-D
From The Beat: We like your imagery a lot in this piece, especially
“marinating” in your emotions. What does that feel like? How do you
control your blood boiling over in the courtroom?
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 40
Lonely
‘Cause you are lonely
You got a girlfriend
‘Cause you got a girlfriend
You gained a child
‘Cause you gained a child
You gained responsibilities
‘Cause you gained responsibilities
You became more serious
‘Cause you became more serious
You got a job
‘Cause you got a job
You got money
‘Cause you got money
You got baby clothes
‘Cause you got baby clothes
You became broke
‘Cause you became broke
You had to borrow money
‘Cause you had to borrow money
You had to pay it back
‘Cause you had to pay it back
You became in debt
‘Cause you are lonely
‘Cause you got a girlfriend
‘Cause you gained a child
‘Cause you gained responsibility
‘Cause you became serious
‘Cause you got a job
‘Cause you got money
‘Cause you got baby clothes
‘Cause you became broke
‘Cause you had to borrow
‘Cause you had to pay back
-Juan
From The Beat: We are curious to know what you think about the
loneliness that you tried to fill with a girlfriend. Could that loneliness
have been filled some other way—a more productive way?
One Morning
Blood to my wrist, Disney must be proud!
You wake up one morning and watch the ceiling
For half an hour.
First you move your right leg of the bed.
The rest of the body follows.
Walk to the shower.
Wash.
Closet. Get Dressed.
Down the stars, out the door, walk down the street.
Hi my name is Jill and welcome to Starbucks
Written on her nametag.
1.95 cup of coffee. Tastes like crap
Walk downtown.
Life’s been like this for the last fifteen years.
Today is the day you change the routine.
Go to the top of the floor of your job
36 stories high.
Run, Step, Fly.
You were supposed to be filing something.
Instead you woke up from a dream at eight o’clock this morning.
A dream where you burn down the whole forest
And shoot Bambi’s mom.
And find thumper and eat his fluffy butt.
Land. Sleep. Dream.
-J
From The Beat: This piece is very interesting, but we aren’t quite
sure where you’re going with it. What does the woman in Starbucks
represent? What do Bambi and Thumper represent?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 41
What Makes a Leader?
Hey, what’s good with The Beat Within? This be El Serio. I am back
in this place, missing my homies and my lady too… Well, I am going
to talk about being a leader. To be a leader you have to be smart. You
have to trust leaders and they have to trust you. You should know
how to listen to what they think, and you have to respect them. And
that’s me there. Well, I am out.
-El Serio
From The Beat: Those are great qualities of leaders, and it’s great that
you see yourself as one. But do you think being in the hall changes
how others see you? Does it take away respect or trust? Make sure you
don’t lose the trust of those you lead.
A Walk
A safe place for me to go when I’m mad or sad would be out for a
walk or just listening to music and rapping, and then I would have
a smile on my face because I’d know how dumb I sounded, but it’s
okay as long as it keeps me out of trouble.
Well Beat, today I’m happy. Maybe because my mom came to
see me. The most important woman of my life. Well beat this is it
for now. So take care and hope to see you son. I’m out!
-Jonathan
From The Beat: Jonathan – thanks for sharing this! We hope you tell
your mother how important she is to you – it will warm her heart.
Protected
My safe place is my house because I know my mom will protect me
and she will feed me and give me what I need. My house is my safe
place also because if I’m stressed I can go to my room and chill out
or the same if I’m angry. I’ll chill out or see the TV. That’s the topic
I chose today. ‘Til next time beat.
-E
From The Beat: I’m sure a lot of readers can relate with you on this one.
Be sure to tell your mom how you feel, she will appreciate it!
Getting Out
Once you get out of juvie it feels so good. You tell yourself you don’t
want to ever come back. But most of us do. It’s a fact. Well, once I got
out on house arrest and I had ninety days. But after a while I failed.
Once I got out again I had to do ninety days again! After last time
I failed and am here now. I really, really never want to come back.
Wish me luck!
-Waldo
From The Beat: We’re glad that you don’t want to go back to juvie, and
we wish you lots of luck! But actions are more important than luck.
What can you do to make sure you stay out for good?
Is Life What It Seems?
In life you can’t ever win
‘Cause first they love you,
Then they hate you,
Then they love you again.
Get away from me, loneliness.
Get away from me, misery.
Get away from me, fake ninjas.
I can’t take your phoniness.
I open up my background
So you so you can see what I’m dealing with.
Eighteen in the game, so I have to explain
When life is gone what still remains.
-Wizzykashh
From The Beat: We know life can be hard and it’s difficult to trust others.
Even if you’ve been hurt by a lot of people, don’t give up because you
will find people who will be there for you and make life better.
Standouts Santa Clara County Volume 17.01/02
The System
The system is playing too much. I turned myself in this November
after I found out I had a warrant. My warrant was for not going to
school for a few days. When I came in and went to my detention
hearing, they said I was getting out in a of couple weeks.
When the day came I was continued again and they said I
was getting out in December. But now they are saying I might get
continued again, and if this program doesn’t accept me then I’m
doing six months hall time or hitting the ranch. That would suck
because I will miss Christmas, my son being born and my birthday.
If I get out I am going to go to school and do good in this program.
-Bird
From The Beat: We’re sorry to hear that you might have missed out on
a lot in December. Hopefully you can do well in your program, stay out
of trouble, and be there for your son.
Away from the Streets
My New Year’s resolution is to, when I get out, stay away from the
streets for a while. If I get out on EMP I’m going to finish my EMP
so that next time when I come to the hall they will give me another
chance.
I might be back soon when I get out ‘cause I think I have another
assault coming my way. But I hope I get released for Christmas, and
if they want to give me another assault I hope its after New Years.
I’m going to stay low for a while if I get released. My last trial is
coming up and I hope to win my case. I’ll get to just walk out of
the hall with nothing. Well I hope to go through with my New Year’s
resolution.
-Lil M
From The Beat: Have you ever considered making a daily resolution?
Big changes don’t have to wait for a new year to happen!
The Safe Place
What up, Beat? So today I’m write about my safe place. My safe
place is the hall because I am away from the violence, which I like...
in the outs it’s like if I’m in war fighting with gang members. When
I’m in the hall I’m calm and secure, but I could still make the hall
violent by doing rumbles with other gang members.
In the outs if I do something someone would end up hurt,
which I try to do when I make violence. But the good thing is that
am locked up right now. But hopefully I’m released tomorrow. I’m
going to go to the streets to look for some violence. Mucho love to
my jefita and jefito.
-S
From The Beat: Why are you trying to create violenece—isn’t that
opposite of a safe place?
Good Program
My New Year’s resolution is to go and have a good program at the
ranch so I can get out and be with my family. When I get out I also
hope to get my high school diploma so I can go to college. I also
want to get a job to help out my family and my baby mama. I also
hope to stay out of trouble and to be good.
-Lil G
From The Beat: What do you want to study in college? What kind of job
would be your dream job?
Capable
My New Year’s resolution is to be home by the summer and if not
I would be disappointed in myself because I would feel like I’ve
failed myself in many ways. I know I am capable of doing good and
completing the obstacles they set up for me.
-Darelle
From The Beat: Keep your head up. We know you have what it takes to
knock down those obstacles and make a better life for yourself.

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Santa Clara County
Baby Girl
So fly.
Real talk so cool.
I’m only crying for a night.
I hold you down.
Then I hold you tight.
Like you be my rag doll.
I love you so much.
I stand tall and proud.
Number one next to none.
So just be above me.
Cause I’m a man.
I will make mistakes.
But I will do all it takes to have you by my side.
I miss you.
Do or die.
-Javi
From The Beat: This is a great piece that you have written! Is this
about a certain girl or something that was just on your mind? If it is
about a certain girl have you showed her this? Keep up the great work,
we want to see more!
Family
Hey what’s up, Beat? Well the topic about today is about an important
relationship. Well for me it’s not a single person it is a group, which
is my family. What makes them special is that we are blood and
nothing could ever change that. My time with my family is great. We
all get along and we all take care of each other. They mean so much
to me because mi familia siempre va estar para levantarme cuando
me caija (my family will always be there to lift me up when I fall).
If they were here with me now I would spend more time with
them and tell them I love each and every one of them. I take them
for granted and I never noticed it ‘til I was incarcerated. The good
thing is that I won’t anymore because I finally realize what I have
done especially to my jefes and I’m sorry for that. Only if time could
go back which is impossible, but I will make up for anything once
I’m out.
-Stomper
From The Beat: It’s good to hear that your family gives you so much
support. What steps are you planning to take once you get out to make
up for everything? The Beat encourages you to take time to rebuild the
relationships with all of your family members.
My Little Brother
One photo I would take on a journey or anywhere is a picture of my
little brother. In that picture, he is wearing his Jordans and some
khaki pants with his checkered shirt. He is in his pre-school and
there’s a painting on the blackboard.
And another picture I have in mind is when I saw him three
weeks ago in court and he was smiling the whole time. It seemed
like a dream because I haven’t seen him since I’ve been here. But I
would never forget that day because he was so happy. That’s what
picture I would take on a journey.
-Medina
From the Beat: It’s good to hear that the image of your brother makes
you so happy. What kinds of things will you do once you’re out to
make him proud?
My New Year’s Resolution
My New Year’s resolution is to be home by the summer and if not
I would be disappointed in myself because I would feel like I’ve
failed myself in many ways. I know I am capable of doing good and
completing the obstacles they set up for me.
-Darelle
From The Beat: Keep your head up. We know you have what it takes to
knock down those obstacles and make a better life for yourself.
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 42
No Safe Place
I have no safe place, but I do have a safe person. My safe person is
my daughter because if I have no safe place I can always run to my
daughter. She is the best because I know she will never turn me
down and she is my safe person.
-Anonymous
From the Beat: We’re glad to hear that your daughter is a constant in
your life. However, it’s important to remember that because she is such
a special person to you, it’s up to you to create a safe place and a safe
future for her.
One Photo
If I were going on a journey or going away for a long time where
I wouldn’t see my family I would want a picture of my brothers,
sisters, and mother. I would want them because I would eventually
forget their faces. I haven’t seen my family in almost six years and I
don’t remember their faces very well.
I also want the picture to be of a happy moment where we’re all
smiling and having a good time. The last memory I have in my head
when we were all happy was when we just got out of church and we
took a family picture and we were all smiling and laughing. I don’t
know where that picture is, but I wish I had it.
-Happy Memory
From The Beat: It’s important to focus on the positive moments with
your family. The Beat hopes that you’re able to see your family again
soon, and in the meantime, keep writing and stay strong.
The Past
If I were to go back into the past I would go to when I first started
getting in trouble and hanging out with the wrong people. I would
stop myself from getting in trouble with gang members, and I would
take my best friend with me. I would stop myself from not going to
school and tell myself it will help out in the future when my family
needed me.
I wish I could have a visit from my mom. I want to tell her
that I’m sorry for her stressing out so much. I sit in my cell at
night hoping a miracle could happen. I wish I could wake up in the
morning and find out my mom is coming to visit. I hope when I get
to see her she will forgive me. I love you mom, always and forever.
-Adam
From The Beat: This is a powerful piece of writing. We’re sorry that
you’re hurting and feeling so much stress, and we hope that you’re able
to create better relationships with your friends and family.
New Years Resolution
For my 2012 resolution, given the situation I’m in here, I’d like to
be out soon. I know that will happen. So my resolution will be that
my family has a good year coming up because they deserve it. They
have been through a lot. A lot of misunderstanding.
-Manuel
From The Beat: Are there certain things that you can do that will help
your family have a good 2012? Also, even though you will spend some
of 2012 in the hall you can still set goals for yourself.
A Safe Place
What’s good Beat? It’s your boy Slick, the one and only (haha), up
in the max. Well I’m going to talk about a safe place. My safe place
is not a place where I’m hiding from someone or anything. It’s more
of a place when I’m mad I take walks or workout because it’s hard
sometimes to control my anger. Well that’s all for tonight.
-Slick
From The Beat: A lot of people take some time to themselves and go
on walks when they are mad. It is good that you know what to do
when you are feeling angry. Do you feel relieved after taking a walk
or working out?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 43
My New Years Resolution
This is Memo coming out of the max unit. Still waiting on what they
are going to do with me. Well, back with the topic. I’m feeling the
topic, “My New Years Resolution...”
Well first is to do good in here so they can see that I do want
to get out and not spend the holidays in here like how I did with
Halloween and Thanksgiving. Hopefully I’m out for Christmas and
New Years because these holidays are suppose to be with your
family. Second is to stop getting mad easily and taking it out on
random people because it got me in here.
Finally third is to stop listening to people who are going to
waste your money or to get you in trouble. I also want to change
for my family and the people that care about me. That’s my biggest
resolution. Oh and to get off probation. That’s it for now Beat. Hope
you like it. Alratos.
-Memo
From The Beat: We hope you were able to be home for the holidays
with your family and friends. You have a great New Years Resolution
for yourself and we know that you can make all of your goals happen
for yourself.
My New Years Resolution
What’s up Beat? This be Chucky still posted here in the max unit.
Today I’m going to write about my New Years Resolution. My New
Years Resolution is to get out and finish my program that I’m going
to be sent to. I want to finish my program so I can get out as quick
as I can so that I can be with my family and also get off probation.
Another resolution is to stop doing drugs because that is the
thing that’s making me mess up my life. I also want to finish high
school so that I can be successful in life. That is it Beat. Till next
time. Take care.
-Chucky
From The Beat: We are glad to hear that you want to stick to your
program and get finished with it as soon as possible to start your
life on the outs. All these goals you have set for yourself you can
achieve. Just remind yourself every day that you can do it and you will
eventually achieve whatever you wish to accomplish.
It Won’t Go Away
Today I’m going to write about, “it won’t go away.” Well the memory
that won’t go away is the times I have spent with my family because
whenever I was with them I always had a great time. There was
always laughing. Also throwing parties and having a good time.
With my family there will always be a good time. So I hope it won’t
go away when I’m out...
-Dreamer
From The Beat: Do these memories make your time go fast or slow
when you are doing your time? When you are on the outs you will have
so many more memories to make with your family. Is there a certain
thing that you want to do with them once you get out?
Back In Time
I think I would go back in time before I got locked up, because I was
one second away from making a good decision and I made a bad one.
I would be with my little brother—all this time wasted without him
and I feel bad.
He misses me and doesn’t even want to talk to me through the
phone anymore, because he thinks I left him and I’m not going back
home. But I talked to my PO and he told me that I might get out this
month. I would make the decision not to steal the car and go home
with my brother instead. I would act differently for my little brother.
-Miguel
From The Beat: We’re glad to hear that your little brother inspires
you to do better. As you wrote, split-second decisions can have a
huge impact on our life course. We hope that you make the kinds of
decisions that will make your brother proud.
Standouts Santa Clara County Volume 17.01/02
Lead And Followed
I don’t think people can acquire the role of being a leader. It’s
just something that is passed down from former leaders in the
family. Everyone that is in a boss position or someone that plays a
major influence is that lucky person with higher abilities compared
to their fellow man.
I do consider myself one of these beings placed on this planet
to lead, help, share the wisdom I achieve. Learning something
does not make one learned. Knowledge requires memory; Wisdom
requires understanding. There are many separate traits that make
up a leader. Being brutally honest, open minded, straight forward,
and just having that sense of influence over people. Someone to
look up to for advice or help. Being in control of yourself, mastering
your mind. I happily and proudly admit I am one of these beings. I
was placed here for a reason.
-Jae
From The Beat: How can you use your leadership abilities to help those
around you? What do you wish to do in the future with these traits
that you have? Not everyone have these traits so use it to help people
in a positive way.
It Won’t Go Away
What’s good Beat? The topic I’m going to write about is “what won’t
go away.” To me what won’t leave me is the system because whether
I’m in or out, it’s always going to be running someone’s life. I told
myself when I was younger I wasn’t going to get caught slippin’ and
end up having to do pointless time when I could be chillin’ with my
friends and family. But it’s all good because shhh happens. I’ll be
out soon for sure. So one of these meetings will be my last. Maybe
I will see you next week, maybe I won’t.
-Manuel
From The Beat: Things do happen in an individuals life that they wish
they didn’t do or they wish a different outcome. Do not let your past
shape what you want to do in the future. The system will always be
there but if you stay on the right track you will not have anything to
worry about. If we do not see you in the upcoming weeks we wish you
the best of luck on the outs!
Drawing
I think a place where I can relax and forget about my problems is
when I sit down and start drawing. I can just get lost in my drawing.
I focus on the drawing and can get lost for days. It makes me forget
about the things that have been bugging me. Well this is it Beat.
Alratos.
-Listo
From The Beat: What types of things to do you draw? What do you get
lost in, the color, the image, the lines?
Maniac’s New Year
What’s up with you Beat? I’m going to talk about my New Years
Resolution a little bit. Right now, I can’t really change where I’m at,
but I can set my goals.
First, I would like to grow a more strong and loving connection
with my family members. Stay close to them and give them good
advice so I don’t lose anymore of my loved one to the street violence.
Also, I would like to beat my case, no matter how hard it gets. Just
stay strong till the end.
When or if I get out I’m going to be a good father and get married.
That’s basically it. There is more but I can’t really think about it or
anything because I’m locked up. Gotta go Beat, Happy New Years to
you.
-Maniac
From The Beat: These are great New Year Resolutions you have for
yourself. Do you know what kind of things you can do to make these
succeed at these resolutions? How can you make a more loving and
strong connection with your family members, what sort of things could
you do? We hope you have a great year!

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Santa Clara County
The Beat Within
I never realized how much I missed my mom and sisters until I was
separated from them. Now that I’m locked up I realize that life is
short. So now I know to spend as much time as I can with my family
before they are gone. It also hurts that my mom has to tell my little
sister that I’m at a friend’s house, knowing how much my sister
must miss me. I miss her too.
-Sarah
From The Beat: Sometimes it takes being apart from someone to truly
appreciate what he or she means to you. Sounds like you’ve learned
some important lessons about life while reflecting on your past. Keep
your head up though; the future is yours to change!
Venting
What’s up with The Beat? It’s your boy Ab coming out the max. I
want to start off by asking the beat within publishers if they can
respect my pieces by putting my “full” name with the pieces you
publish. It’s only two letters and it’s not gang-related so if you could
do that for me I would appreciate that.
On another tip I just heard they gave me a chance to take a deal
for a couple years at YA instead of being charged as an adult and
possibly facing 24 years. So looks like I’m taking the deal. But yeah,
look for my flow in the beat. Until next time.
-Ab
From The Beat: The reason we usually don’t put both letters is because
we don’t put last names or initials in The Beat, but since we know this
is a shortening of your first name we are just making it lowercase “b.”
How do you feel about taking a deal? We will be looking for your flow.
Me
My New Year’s resolution for 2012 is to get out. I don’t really have
control over my sentencing or fate, but I could help getting into
trouble. This year (2011) I did good at achieving my New Year’s
resolution which was to reach a hundred and fifty pounds and to not
take things as seriously. What I mean by that is not care what others
think or say about me. I know who I am now and I know what I am
not. Anyways it feels good to achieve a goal so I intend to achieve
more of them. As for 2012…. I’m ready!
-Arnold
From The Beat: Thanks, Arnold, your words sound very positive. We
love that you realize that you have control over your own actions (not
getting into trouble). Congratulations on achieving your goals in 2011,
we’re sure 2012 will be good for you too!
Hustling To Make It Better
We all out here just tryin’ to make a dollar,
Living for the day not worrying about tomorrow,
Forgetting all of my sorrows, while I’m puffin the blues
Mind under the influence but I’m physically up
In other words I’m cut, really ready for whatever,
I’ve been going through some things, hustling to make it
better,
Growing up on the streets, got me packing a gun,
In my renegade sweater, I be out on a mission,
Hittin’ licks and selling drugs is the life I was livin’,
Ever since I was a child,
My mind been focused in the cloud,
So I keep it at the top, far away from the ground,
Posted on the block selling ounces to pounds,
Now I’m locked up and boxed away,
Hanging onto my thoughts so they don’t get lost away.
-Ab
From The Beat: You really are a talented writer, Ab! Keep up the work,
it’s great. So what are those thoughts you don’t what to get lost away?
And what are your plans for your future? Sounds like you’re a talented
kid, how are you going to get the most out of your life and not waste
it in juvie/ prison? Tell us more!
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 44
Lots of goals
My New Year’s resolution is graduating from high school. I actually
have lots of goals for the next year. The most important one is
staying out of jail. If I stay out of jail I can probably get my car and
go to college. Also another of my goals is to stop cheating on my girl.
Haha. Well I’m running out of time staying up late.
-R
From The Beat: Sounds good, Rodriguez. How are you going to stay
out of jail? What specifically do you have to do, and not do, to achieve
that?
All the Lights
I think a safe place is my home or in the Mills and I just stare out
at my beautiful city and all the lights. I just sit and think about life
problems and just about anything that comes to mind.
I think my New Year’s resolution is to get out and be with my
family and girlfriend. I also want to start my life like finish school
and enroll in city College then head to state and get a degree in
something that satisfies me. I really hope it does happen for me.
-Lil Jesse
From The Beat: What are the things that would satisfy you? What is it
about the lights that you like the most?
A True Leader
A true leader to me besides my mother, would probably be Cesar
Chavez. My grandma and grandpa were Farmeros. They lived in
Salinas and told me several stories about Cesar Chavez. They way
he stood up for everyone that suffered makes me realize what a true
leader he is. I think everyday how different for farmers it would be if
he didn’t do what he did.
-Grizzly
From The Beat: Thanks for sharing this, Grizzly, and you’re right, he did
some pretty great things for the farmers. Is he an example to you, or is
your mom? How? What can you learn from them?
Can’t Let Go
Something I can’t let go of is the mistakes and the evil events that
happen in my life. As much as I try to forget or push it all away I just
can’t. I guess you can say that’s why I turned to drugs to escape from
all the pain and make my life better. But as much as I did the more
my past impacted me when I came down from being high or drunk.
So, now I want to stop that cycle and do something positive
with my life. I know I can it will just take time and a lot of support
from my loved ones.
-Frank
From The Beat: we know you can do it too, Frank! You took the first
step: you made the decision to change your life, because you realise
getting high just gets you more down. And you’re wise; you realise
you will need the support from your loved ones to do so. Do you have
concrete ideas on what you want to do with your life too? Tell us about
it! It will help you in sticking with your plan and making your dreams
come true.
A Few Things
My New Year’s resolution is probably many things but right now
I’m just going to write a few things that I want to share. One is get
out and get a job, two is spend time with my friends and family and
just get back into contact with each other. One last one is finding a
decent female and just exploring life with each other.
That’s what I’m hoping for but I’m still stuck in here but it’s
just the life which is now. You just got to enjoy it and take it as it is.
-Joe
From the Beat: We wish you all the best, Joe, sounds like you got some
good resolutions. When will you get out? What job are you hoping to
find? What can you do now to make your plans come true?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 45
My House and My Girlfriend
A safe place for me is my house or being with my girlfriend talking
about my problems with her instead of being at my hood in danger
that I get shot or stabbed. Also because I’m not out there doing
stupid things that are going to get me locked up. That’s the safest
place is I think. Also my varrio is safe to me. When I’m with my lady
and my homies
-Blacky
From The Beat: It’s important to have a place where you can feel safe.
It sounds like your girlfriend has a good influence on you. Is there
anything you can do yourself to stay out of trouble? What do you
think?
Goals
My New Year’s resolution is to not come back to this place. I am
also going to complete my house arrest program. I am going back to
school and I am going to find a part time job so that I can help out
my mom and buy my babe some clothes and things he needs. Well
that is my New Year’s resolution.
-Juana
From The Beat: Great job creating a solid list of resolutions. How will
you make sure that you carry these out? What motivates you to want
to accomplish these things?
A Better Life
My New Year’s resolution is when I get out I want to change and
make my life better for my family. And when I go to my group home
I want to finish my programs and go home. That’s my New Year’s
resolution.
-Adrian
From The Beat: That’s a great resolution, Adrian, and we really hope
everything works out. What specifically are you going to do to change
so that you can have a better life for you and your family?
New Years Resolution
My New Year’s resolution is not to get locked up anymore when I get
out and stay out of trouble. That was my last year’s resolution but I
didn’t try hard enough to do it. I was always getting drunk and high
so that led me to getting into trouble with the cops sometimes. This
time I’m going to stay away from alcohol and drugs so I don’t get in
trouble with the law anymore.
-Miguel
From The Beat: That sounds like a good resolution. Do you have
concrete plans on how to resist the craving for alcohol and drugs? Tell
us more.
Valentine’s Day
What’s up, Beat? This is Shaggy coming to you from the hall. I’ll tell
you a story of when I got saved on Valentine’s Day. We were outside
of my apartment chillin’, puffin’ on some trees. Then out of nowhere
we heard gunshots. There were six people there and nobody moved
‘cause we didn’t see who was shooting.
Then my cousin saw who it was and started running. Then
everybody started to run. I ran inside my apartment. While I was
running, I looked back and saw my cousin get shot and collapse. He
got up and went to his house and collapsed again in the living room.
His eyes were rolling back in his head and blood started to come out
his mouth.
Next thing I knew the ambulance was there and took him to the
hospital. Thankfully he was back in his house a week later and safe.
-Smokinitus
From The Beat: You must be very thankful that your cousin was okay.
Thank you for sharing this experience with us. We hope you and your
family can get out of this cycle of violence.
Standouts Santa Clara County Volume 17.01/02
Back On Track
My New Year’s resolution is to get back on track and start training
for football for the off-season and get my grades back up. I especially
want to stay out of trouble and concentrate on sports and school.
Those are my resolutions for the year of 2012.
-Alex
From The Beat: Those are great resolutions, Alex. We hope you can stay
focused on school and football and have an amazing 2012!
A New Life
My New Year’s resolution is to be with my family and start a new
life, ‘cause the one I’m living right now is rough and hard. Also, to
get a girl and spend time together so I can keep my mind off doing
wrong. I’m going to have a new life with happiness and smiles on my
parents faces; a life with no drugs and dirty money.
-Mouinitus
From The Beat: Those are ambitious resolutions for 2012, but great
goals to have. Keep focused on making yourself and your family happy
and we’re sure your year will be a better one.
A Birthday Inside
I just had my sixteenth birthday in here. My New Year’s resolution
is to stay out of juvenile hall for good so that I won’t spend another
birthday or holiday locked up. Another New Year’s resolution I have
is to go to school steadily, get a job and be independent. I want to
keep myself busy so that I can avoid coming back to this place.
-Sienna
From The Beat: It’s great that you have some concrete goals set for the
New Year. In what other ways are you going to keep yourself busy?
Mommy To Be
It’s the beginning of the month and I get out in a few more weeks.
I’m so happy because I’m going to be a mom soon. I want to start
going to school and get a job so that I can buy my baby anything and
everything. I want to be a good mother and stay by my kid’s side like
my mom and grandma did.
-Precious
From The Beat: It is great that you have your mother and grandmother
as role models in parenting. What type of job are you looking to get?
What are some specific things you will do to be a good mother?
Close Call
Well, I just want to talk about one time in my life I could’ve been
done. My life could’ve ended when I got shot in the leg. Out of those
twelve bullets, one hit me. When they were shooting at me they were
not far away from me. They were so close by that they could’ve shot
me in my dome and I would’ve been done. So what I think is that God
does exist and he didn’t want me dead. That’s all for now.
-Blade
From The Beat: Wow, what an intense experience. Tell us more. Do you
feel like you were given a second chance? Are there changes you can
make so you don’t find yourself in this situation again?
New Year’s Resolution
Q-vole? This is Mailto. Well, Beat my New Year’s resolution is to do
good in my group home. I already messed up the ranch, so it’s time
to finish my program that’s going to come up. Hopefully I stay in
San Jose and they don’t send me to Fresno. Well, I hope everything
goes well.
-Mailto
From The Beat: We wish you lots of luck in keeping your resolution for
2012! We know you can do well in your program and hopefully get to
stay in your hometown.

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Santa Clara County
Big Dog
I said I’m a big dog, you’re a little bow wow
Go back to school homeboy and make your mom proud.
I’m here to let you know, homie I ain’t tryin’ to start a beef
I’m just tryin’ to stack a mill
Without playin’ the lottery
I’m here to take the title, yeah I’m destined to win
The best of the best, you can rate me as a ten
I’m tryin’ to touch a mill, man
Forget a couple thou - wow
I’m a big dog homie, you’re a little bow wow.
-Persian
From The Beat: What is it that makes you a “big dog”? We hope it’s
something positive, like being a good role model and not getting into
trouble…
Close Call
Well, I just want to talk about one time in my life I could’ve been
done. My life could’ve ended when I got shot in the leg. Out of those
twelve bullets, one hit me. When they were shooting at me they were
not far away from me. They were so close by that they could’ve shot
me in my dome and I would’ve been done. So what I think is that God
does exist and he didn’t want me dead. That’s all for now.
-Blade
From The Beat: Wow, what an intense experience. Tell us more. Do you
feel like you were given a second chance? Are there changes you can
make so you don’t find yourself in this situation again?
Valentine’s Day
What’s up, Beat? This is Shaggy coming to you from the hall. I’ll tell
you a story of when I got saved on Valentine’s Day. We were outside
of my apartment chillin’, puffin’ on some trees. Then out of nowhere
we heard gunshots. There were six people there and nobody moved
‘cause we didn’t see who was shooting.
Then my cousin saw who it was and started running. Then everybody
started to run. I ran inside my apartment. While I was running, I
looked back and saw my cousin get shot and collapse. He got up
and went to his house and collapsed again in the living room. His
eyes were rolling back in his head and blood started to come out
his mouth.
Next thing I knew the ambulance was there and took him to the
hospital. Thankfully he was back in his house a week later and safe.
-Smokinitus
From The Beat: You must be very thankful that your cousin was okay.
Thank you for sharing this experience with us. We hope you and your
family can get out of this cycle of violence.
Saved
To be saved to me it means a lot because if I weren’t saved I wouldn’t
see my family. And I wouldn’t see my mom; she’s the most important
in my life because without her I wouldn’t get through life. That’s the
topic I chose today, ‘til next time Beat.
-E
From The Beat: Have you shared this with your mom? We’re certain
that she would be very happy to hear how important she is to you.
Leadership
I think anybody can be a leader and some people are born with it
while others are molded to be one. I think my little cousin is a
leader because he is going to be successful in his future. He is very
small and he doesn’t follow anybody. He does his own thing.
-Unknown
From The Beat: Do you admire that your cousin doesn’t follow anybody?
Are you a follower or a leader?
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 46
Saved
I think saved means getting out of a bad situation. I remember a time
when my homies and I were rolling twelve deep. In two cars, I was
laying on my ninja’s lap. I had my gun in my waist, my partner had
his. We also had the machete in the trunk. We were packing and we
were drinking beer, having a good time.
My boy was drunk and we were looking for a party in SJ. He got
off to take a piss and got back in the car. We were in the wrong lane
with a cop behind us. I was thinking I’m going to the hall. The cop
turned on his lights and got next to us. Then he left and we seen
more cops! We headed back to the town. After this situation I think
someone was looking out for me. Late Beat.
-Youngster
From The Beat: Have you thought about how you can save yourself
from situations like this in the future? What happened in this story
sounds more like luck – but luck runs out. Keep your head up and trust
in your instincts!
My Safe Place
My safe place is my house because I know my mom will protect me
and she will feed me and give me what I need. My house is my safe
place also because if I’m stressed I can go to my room and chill out
or the same if I’m angry. I’ll chill out or see the TV. That’s the topic
I chose today. ‘Til next time beat.
-E
From The Beat: I’m sure a lot of readers can relate with you on this one.
Be sure to tell your mom how you feel, she will appreciate it!
The Safe Place
The safe place for me is my neighborhood park. It’s a pretty big park.
When I’m having trouble with my family or anything I usually head
to the park or creek that is in the park. I just chill there looking at
the river. It’s a pretty cool place. That’s all for today. Alratos.
-Creeper
From The Beat: This park sounds like a nice and relaxing place you can
go to when you want some time to yourself. What do you like most
about the park? How do you feel when you are looking in the river?
A Safe Place
I think the hall is a safe place for me. I think this is a safe place
for me because it saves me from getting badly hurt or killed. It also
saves me from picking up a new charge. It also clothes me and gives
me a place to sleep. Well, that’s all I can think of right now.
-Cholo
From The Beat: How are you using your safe time? Are you educating
yourself? Are you thinking about the things you want to accomplish
when you get out?
A True Leader
To me a leader is someone who could step up and be the man of a
family. My leader is my jefito; he’s my leader because he showed me
he’s willing to do anything for his kids. For example when my dad
found out I would get home drunk and he realized he wasn’t being
a good example for me and he couldn’t tell me right from wrong
because he was a drunk, too.
So what my dad did for me was he stopped drinking and now
he tells me that if he was able to stop for me that I should be able to
do it for him. In the hall I was able to stay cool off drugs and alcohol
for two months so I think I can in the outs. I’m going to try for my
family. It’s all I got for today Beat.
-Lil M
From The Beat: Thank you so much for sharing this. Your dad must be
very proud of you, and you should be proud, too! Find your willpower
within and you can do anything you set your mind to.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 47
A Leader
A true leader is someone who does their own thing, someone who
other people want to be like.
-Vierrissi
From The Beat: You seem to have left out the most important part of
this piece. Details, you have the first and last sentence, but nothing
else? Details…
It Won’t Go Away
Some times my problems will just like never go away. Like I sit in my
cell and think will I ever change, but than I have control of my life.
No one else does, and than that’s when I say I need to change but in
my life style it’s like I was never taught to do good at any point that
I remember.
I’ve been in JDC since I was 11 years old and ever since then
I’ve been coming back. Now I’m 17, and I still have problems, but
now I know a little on how to work with the things I’ve put my self
through. Things are not perfect up to this point, but making changes
makes life just a bit easier, but no one’s life is perfect.
-Sean
From The Beat: Your right no one is perfect, and the best you can do is
continue making better choices so life does get easier. Life is all about
choice.
My 2012 Resolutions
Be the best father I can be
Stay clean and get off drug court
Get another job to support my girlfriend and child
Get my GED
Complete CCP (Community Custody Program)
Stay out of jail or any out of home placement
-Robert
From The Beat: Very straight forward and to the point, we look forward
to hearing about your success when you get out. Don’t forget to send
The Beat Within an update.
Drama Won’t Go Away!
Something that just don’t ever seem to go away is drama it’s like
everywhere I go. Drama follows, but it’s also the way you deal with
it that helps you out. I learned that ignoring it helps a lot, but
sometimes it just pisses them off more and they try to get to me
even more.
Being in juvie now there is even drama every day these girls got
something to say about me even when I don’t do shhh. It’s like I try
to be the coolest person in here but there’s still haters.
-Diorio
From The Beat: No matter where you go or what you do you’ll run into
“haters” and your first method is a good one. Ignoring them, or just do
your best to avoid them.
My New Years Resolution
Is To Do Good
My new years resolution is to get out and do good. I’m going to get
my GED so I can go to college and use my smarts for good things.
I don’t want to go to prison for twenty years; I have a family, my
brother, and my grandma that I need to support. I don’t need to
support anyone but they need me, and I’m tired of making money off
the streets and getting caught so I’m going to just go to college and
make legit money.
-Green eyes
From The Beat: Now that you know what you want for the long term,
keep us posted at the Beat so we can hear about how you and your
family are doing.
Standouts New Mexico Volume 17.01/02
Big Changes This Year
My new year’s resolution is to get out of the gang life, because I’ve
been in this life since I was a very young teen, and now I’m sixteenyears-old.
My whole gang life has got me in trouble, and it has got
me hooked on meth and in and out of jail. I’m done so that’s my
news resolution.
-Mo Money
From The Beat: This is good to hear that you want a positive change,
but yet your way of thinking is still the same because of the way you
signed your piece. Making a change has to be a complete change not
just a partial change.
Fake People Go Away!
I want all the fake people to go away. Because every thing would be
alright, there would not be any fake people to tell your business
and start shhh with people and expect you to help them, but when
you’re going to get down they won’t be there for you, I want all the
fake people to go away.
-Lil MoMo
From The Beat: It sounds like anyone that tries to tell you to better
your ways is a “fake person?” Or some one that corrects your behavior
is also a “fake person”? Would you care to explain?

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Marin County
I Need To Become Sober
My New Year’s resolution is, wherever I’m at, either placement, here,
or my home, I need to work on being sober. I smoke weed to reduce
stress.
-Big Cookie
From The Beat: What’s happening in your life that’s stressing you out
so badly, that you feel you need weed to manage it? Can you talk to
your family, friends, a counselor in juvy, to get any help you need?
Stay strong!
Soul
Who am I? Who are you?
I’m a butterfly.
I know you wish you were, too.
I have wings. I fly high.
I create diamonds in the sky.
This girl says my eyes
Are like pies.
-Tadertot
From The Beat: Where do you get your magic to create diamonds in the
sky? Are you a butterfly with pie eyes?
Catch Me On An Elephant
Bumpin’, bumpin’
Dance floor’s bumpin’
Rockin’ in the club
Catch me on an elephant
Young Princess toasty
But I feel so elegant, elegant, elegant
-Tadertot
From The Beat: You must be in a hyphy mood. Maybe a regal, rockin’,
elegant elephant hyphy mood? We can feel you dancing to your rap.
What I Wish I Knew
Things I wish that I knew, are things I wish I didn’t do.
If I knew what I know now, back then
I wouldn’t be worried about being sent to the state pen.
If I could go back to that day, when I messed up and ran away
I’d tell myself to turn around
Because soon I’d been six feet underground.
If I had the power to turn back time
I wouldn’t be spending every cent and dime
On anything my body regrets
And that makes my family watch me deteriorate.
-Tessa
From The Beat: You only hint that you’re ingesting something illegal
and harmful, but you have our hearts. Why are you hurting yourself?
Please, can you stay strong and stop? You’re alive, not underground.
We hope you won’t go to state prison.
What Color Is My Soul?
Look inside my soul, my core
My eyes are like an open door
See the purple, blue, and green
The happy, sad, the nice and mean
I can’t be defined with just one word
I’m like a snake, a cat, a bird
I remind myself of a hurricane
Filled with feelings, sunshine to rain
-Kate
From The Beat: How amazing to feel purple, blue, green as being happy,
sad, nice, mean. Synesthesia is the ability to hear, smell in colors. How
are you like a snake, a cat, a bird, very different animals? We feel your
turmoil, like a hurricane.
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 48
Alien Snitches
Got some alien snitchin’ around town
Always acted hard, and spoke like they were down
But this fool snitched, and blamed everything on me
But, oh well, I’ll say it out and keep it sucker free
-Grumpy
From The Beat: You’re alluding to someone putting the blame on you,
that was hers/his, or someone else’s, but isn’t this poem also hinting
that someone else is responsible for whatever went down, not you? Is
this poem a form of snitching?
That One
I be seeking for that one, the one I keep seeing in my dreams.
I want to make something happen, but this shhh isn’t like it
seems.
-Grumpy
From The Beat: If in your dreams you’re trying to rectify some injustice
someone has done to you in real life, can you “make something happen”
legally/honorably, not seek any revenge yourself? Something already
has happened. No more tragedy.
My Saved Crown Of Sevens
Do you think you could save me?
I wish that you could save me.
I wish that we could be forever.
I wish that we could be changed.
Do you think you could save me?
Do you think you could save me?
I think that you could save me.
I think that we could be forever.
I think that we could be changed.
Do you think that you could save me?
All I ever think about is you.
Oh, how I wish that you knew
That I have love for you, too.
This always makes me so blue.
All I ever think about is you.
All I ever think about is you.
These thoughts I have are not new.
Obviously, you have love for me, too.
But why do we make each other blue?
All I ever think about is you.
All I ever think about is you.
I think so hard, I turn blue.
I know you feel the same, too.
I could never ever find someone new.
I hope that you could save me.
I hope that I could save you.
I hope that we could have forever.
I hope that you could save me.
I know that you could save me.
I know that I could save you.
I know that we could be forever.
I know that you could save me.
For my teddy bear.
Love, your baby, Toasty
-Tadertot
From The Beat: Sorry, your poem’s so long, we cut your duplicated lines.
What do you, s/he need saving for/from? How can whomever you wrote
this poem to, save you, or you save her/him? If s/he cannot, how can
anyone else, or can you, save yourself?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 49
Stop Getting In Trouble
My New Year’s resolution would be to stop getting in trouble and
stay out of the system. I would also like to control my drinking and
smoking habits. I would also like to focus on my physical health.
-Josh
From The Beat: We have a hunch that the best way to accomplish all
of your resolutions would be to focus on your drinking problem. And
the best way to do that is to ask for, and accept, some help. Millions of
people have learned how to it. And so can you. Our best wishes to you.
Trippin’
This shhh’s crazy,
I think I’m trippin’.
I’m about to go to another placement.
This time I’ll come up missin’.
I’m sorry momma,
But these squares keep snitching.
Next time things get sketchy,
I need to stop, look, and listen.
-Giant
From The Beat: Hey, take your own advice before you decide to “come
up missin’ ” when you get to your placement. Please……
Do Good
My New Year’s resolution is that I’m going to do good while I’m
locked up because I’m probably going to be locked up for awhile.
So during that time I’ll just try not to get in trouble and get with the
program. I might as well make the most of it while I’m here.
-Ivan
From The Beat: Write on, Ivan. Now make a list of what you’ll do “to
do good”. Good intentions add up to a good start. But next comes an
actual plan for what you hope to accomplish while you’re locked up.
Change My Lifestyle
My New Year’s Resolution is to change the lifestyle that I’ve lived in
the past. Also to become a better man, the kind I need to be to look
for a job and actually support my family with money and food.Also,
I want to become an example for my siblings - and actually be come
somebody in life. I want to live happy and free.
-Guillermo
From The Beat: Wonderful, thoughtful resolutions. We wish you well,
Guillermo.
My New Year’s Resolution
I wish I could have a New Year’s resolution, but I can’t because I am
going to be locked up for New Years. But I am not going to be here in
the hall. I am going to be locked up somewhere else for three years.
I have been locked up for two years, going into three years, in
the hall. I am not going to get out for a few years. Then I will make
a New Year’s Resolution.
When I get out I want to get a good job and have my own house
and my own family. I want a baby boy or a girl. I really don’t care
what I get. Whatever God gives me I will be happy with. I would also
like to get married with the female of my dreams someday.
-Bam-Bam
From The Beat: We’ll make one up for you. If you like it, you can have
it. Here it is: I resolve to read two books a week and learn three new
words each day, so that when I am released, I’ll have learned over three
thousand new words. Because I know that studies have shown that
folks with large vocabularies tend to earn more money than folks with
small vocabularies. Ok, there you have it – a New Year’s resolution ….
Yours for the taking.
Standouts Santa Cruz County Volume 17.01/02
The Free World
Man, I’m really hoping that I will be out soon so I can be with my
family and my lady. I really miss them all kinds. So please, Dear
Lord, help me out here. Forgive me from my sins. Let me be free
so I can be back out in the free world and I promise You that I will
change my ways to be a better man in my life but also to my family
and my lady.
So please, Lord, make that big miracle happen so that I will be
out soon. Amen.
-Change Boy
From The Beat: Review your personal history, Change Boy. What’s
prevented you from making these changes before now? Be very honest
with yourself. Then make a list of small things that will keep you on
the right path. And stick to it.
Steady Steppin’
Now I’m back,
Back again,
Because of a boy,
Who thinks he’s a man.
But he can’t do things,
The things that I can.
And he don’t know,
Just who I am.
Before you go,
You must come.
Become you know it,
You can be gone.
But coming back,
Is never fun.
Steady steppin’.
-Giant
From The Beat: Sounds like you’re telling us you’ve grown a bit. We
hope so.
Moments
The safe place would be my house because my mom and dad are
there. I know that they will keep me safe, no matter what happens.
The other safe place is my room. When I get mad or stressed out,
I’ll listen to music. I will put it really loud or play some war video
games.
And here, locked up, it’s a pretty safe place - but at the same
time sad - because you’re away from your family and loved ones.
Right now, I feel really depressed and really sad!
-Homesick
From The Beat: Those are normal feelings to have, now and then,
even on the outs. Here’s a trick: next time you’re feeling sad and/or
depressed, say to yourself – “I’m feeling sad and depressed”. To talk
about our feelings, to put them into words, changes those feelings,
ever so slightly, or maybe even, a lot. That’s why, when you’re feeling
really good, you should simply enjoy the experience and not talk about
it during the experience.
Smoke
I smoke till I’m gone.
I hear voices in my mind
Telling me to stop.
But I can’t,
Because my skull is so addicted to smoke.
Look at me -
I ended up in this place,
Lost everything
I had.
-Smokey
From The Beat: You haven’t had a smoke since you’ve been locked up.
And look at this cool poem. So – you can function very well without the
smoke. Maybe you needed this experience to prove it.

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Solano County
Accepting Responsibility
No matter how I think about it she will not get out of my mind. She
has just told me about my son and it sucks that I am just now finding
about my son. He is one year old and in my mind I do not know how
I am goin’ to get through my pain. I am mad. I’ve been locked up for
my son’s birthday and holidays. I am goin’ to be getting’ released to
a group home. Hopefully I just hope my ninjas don’t follow my path.
My ninja whooped this boy. I mean messed him up, gave him a
black eye and marked up his face, but yup, it’s life. I plan on starting
a new life. I’m getting it together and be there for my son and family.
I’m goin’ to do whatever it takes to get money to support me and my
family. I am done hurting other people and causing pain in my family
and ready to accept responsibility for my own actions.
-Lil V
From The Beat: We really like the last line of this piece and we
think that is a big part about growing up and moving on: accepting
responsibility for the negatives and the positives. What do you mean
you’re going to do “whatever it takes” to support your family? What are
some of the things you CAN do?
The Beat
A safe place for me is my house because if I’m having a bad day I
just say in my head, “I’m going to go home” because I can do pretty
much anything. Or when I’m at home I can tell my folks anything
that I chose to. But while I’m in here I’ll just run my program and
not let nobody get in my head, just let people talk because if I fight
I’ll just get terminated, go through court all over again, come right
back here and start four months over again.
But now it’s 2012 and I have a better expectation of myself. I got
goals I want to accomplish. I’m goin’ to turn eighteen in six months.
So it’s not juvenile hall no more, it’s the big jail country or prison.
I’m going to study the driving test and finish school. Stop
smoking and finish probation. Stop doing things that I’m not
supposed to be doing. Straightening up and do good. Jail for me is
no place because I hate not doing what I want to. I hate seeing my
mother leave after visiting and I hate not seeing my little sister and
bonding with my little sister. But for me, my time goes fast because
school and also because I’m running my program.
-Yung Boog
From The Beat: How do you keep people out of your head when you’re
having a bad day? Is there anything that you do to hold people back
emotionally when you need space? We like that you have big plans for
yourself and that you realize that turning eighteen is serious business!
New Beginning
This year is a new beginning and a new change in my life. This year I
want things to be right and I am going to keep things right and have
my goals laid out in my life to accomplish. I decided to make my new
years resolution to change my life and give my life up to God once
and for all. It’s time to live my life as I was born to live it. Thanks The
Beat for your support.
-Yc
From The Beat: What does it mean to you to give your life up to God?
What does that mean you will do with your life in terms of a career
and/or family?
Escape
I can’t seem to escape from my gang life. It’s not that I choose to
escape from it. I just live my life in the fast lane and take it day by
day whether I’m locked up or free. My gang flows through my veins
like blood. Till I’m resting or in prison I’ll still be around. Being an
individual with my head up, chest out.
-Sloppy
From The Beat: We understand that it’s important to be proud of
something and to be a part of something, but why live a life in a lane
that gets you locked up? Wouldn’t it make more sense to live a life that
leads you to good, successful places like a job, family, love etc?
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 50
I got goals I want
to accomplish.
Safe and Saved
I got saved by so many things that I prayed to God and yeah, he saved
me from a lot of things. I am thinking of going to school everyday
and I regret what I’ve done. A safe place to stay at is a house because
you don’t have to worry of staying out in the streets being around
strangers.
-Trips
From The Beat: What about the streets are unsafe for you? Why does
home feel so safe—it is because of family, a closed door, love?
Go Forward
I was dating this boy for almost two years. His name was Demarea.
He was everything I ever wanted and more. Then everything started
to change. He started acting different, he started cheating on me,
mistreating me, and most of all he started hurting me.
Then one day he told me that he was dating his best friend
Michele. My heart just broke. The part that gets crazy is that Michele
was suppose to be my “patna”, then she turned around and stabbed
me in the back. It took me a while, but I finally realize I deserve
better.
When my mom come visit me, she told me Demarea still be
calling her, asking about me. When I try to leave him alone, he try
to find his way back to me. But this time, I’m really done, I repeat
DONE. I feel like if I mess with him again, I’m takin’ ten steps back,
and I don’t want to backtrack, I just want to go forward. It’s like he
won’t go away.
-Lil Asia
From The Beat: Yes! Go forward! No backtracking! It’s easy to get pulled
into someone else’s messed up world. We see your strength to move
on—hold on to that and keep going.
Help from Friends
I was saved quite literally... I was three years old when I fell out of
a two story window. Either I was lucky or someone was looking out
for me. The doctor is the one who saved me and I’m glad that I am
still breathing. They said that I shouldn’t be alive but I am. So I must
be on this earth for a reason, right?
Some thoughts just don’t go away. Like all of the times I mess
up. People think that I don’t feel bad but I do. And when they give me
crap about it. It gets to me all the time.
The place that I go when I get frustrated is with my friends.
They help me blow off steam. It really helps a lot to have people to
talk to.
-Matthew
From The Beat: How do you blow off steam with friends? Are they just
really good listeners or do you do something together (play football,
instruments, etc)? Why do you think it helps to have people to talk to?
Why does that usually make us feel better?
Stuck in my Mind
The death of my brother in law is something that I can’t get out of
my mind. Most importantly because he left behind a little girl. And
now it hurts me to see her growing up without a father.
-Uncle
From The Beat: How can you be there for your niece so she can grow
up with a male role model? How can you be a good influence for her?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 51
God is Good
I used to be on fire for God. But, I ended up falling short of his glory.
I ended up heading down the path of destruction. I found myself
drinking and smoking. Partying and getting messed up became
more important than ministry. Now that I’m in jail, I’ve realized this
is not the life to live. I started praying for God’s forgiveness and
reading His word. He saved me from myself and self-destruction. “So
I say to you, ask and it will be given; seek and you will find, knock
and the door will be open unto you” (Luke 11:19).
-Savage
From The Beat: Well, what are you going to do with your life now
that you feel you have been saved? Do you feel you have been given
another chance? What are you going to do with it?
Me Mi nombre es Fidel
Mi istoria es yo loque ouiero aser guando me salgo de aqui
Me boy ir la esguela y dega de aser paniillero lovoy
adrat yo se que oe do aserho
From The Beat: Sabemos que usted puede hacerlo también, Fidel! Tomar
la decisión de cambio es la parte más difícil!
Me My name is Fidel
My story is that what I want to do when I leave this place
Is to go back to school and to stop being a gangster.
I’m going to try it and I know I can do it.
-Fidel
From The Beat: We know you can do it too, Fidel! Making the decision
to change is the hardest part!
My Memories Won’t Go Away
What’s good with The Beat? Well, I’m goin’ to talk about the things
that don’t go away.
The things that don’t go away are my memories about being
with friends and family. The hard thing about these memories is that
I know this will not happen for thirteen years. It will be that long
because that is what I have been sentenced to.
That’s all I got to talk about, so late, Beat!
-Little Pj
From The Beat: Thirteen years is a lot of time to give to the system, but
we are confident that you Little Pj, will make the best out of your time,
and work very hard to not only prepare yourself for the day you return
home, but to embrace each day you are incarcerated with a positive
attitude, and to help not just your peers who respect you, but the
younger generation, that life within the system is not a way anyone
should have to live.
In My Room
I always be reading The Beat Within articles and all these kids’
writings are about them not liking to be in their room.
With me, I like being in my room. I always say, if you can’t do
the time, then don’t do the crime. Sometimes I just stay in my room
the whole day, twenty-four hours.
I like to stay in my room because I feel more comfortable in
my room and I can do anything in there and talk about anything in
there.
I do a bunch of different workouts, and practice boxing because
I use to box on the outs. I like to daydream about my past and write
stories or dreams. For the most part, that’s what I do. Peace out!
-Chino
From The Beat: Good for you, in finding peace within yourself while in
your room. We can imagine the challenge of accepting this period of
your life, and how painful times could be, but we are pleased to read
that you have created ways to stay busy.
Standouts Solano County Volume 17.01/02
Saved
Being saved is like being rescued or taken away from danger or
problems. Juvenile hall saved me because I was going down the
wrong path and probably would have been dead or been locked up
doing like a thousand life sentences.
-Ruben
From The Beat: That’s a pretty bad path you would have gone down.
What does your new path look like?
Out of Trouble
The safe place for me is my house. My house is the safe place
because whenever there’s trouble, I know that I can count on going
home, so I won’t get caught in the trouble that’s going on.
-Anonymous
From The Beat: That’s a GREAT use for your house. We think staying
out of trouble is the best choice.
My Beat Within
My mind won’t stay away from bad actions, so I try to keep my mind
on something good. I would like to get my diploma and get more into
sports. I just want to be a better person. Jail made me realize it even
though it sucks and I hate it.
-Chankey
From The Beat: What are the good things you keep your mind on? What
sports do you want to play? What does a “better person” look like?
Football Player
My new year’s resolution is... that I’m going to change my attitude.
I’m going to not smoke weed and I’m going to start back to school
and try to graduate. As soon as I’m done with high school, whenever
I graduate from school I want to go to a good college... When I find
one good college and play college football and then enter myself in
the draft and get picked the first round.
-Shady Nate
From The Beat: Wow! That is quite a future you have planned for
yourself. How long have you been playing football? What do you like
most about playing?
Volunteer
My new year’s resolution is to complete my program and after I get
out to stop using drugs. I also plan to catch up on my credits and
improve my grades. I would also want to volunteer at the ASPCA
at my hometown and apply at some places to get a job. But most
importantly I want to improve my relationship with my dad, to the
way it used to be.
-Darien
From The Beat: Ooh, the ASPCA! What a great idea! What made you
want to volunteer there? Do you have a pet?
My New Year’s Resolution
My New Year’s resolution is to make it up to the people I hurt. I want
to make it up to them so they can really know I am sorry for what
I did. I know I messed up in my life, and I want them to know that
I’m trying to change. It’s hard but it has to be done. I want to change
because I want to be with my family instead of being in a small cell/
dog cage.
Well, this is my New Year’s resolution for 2012, and I am going
to make sure it happens.
-Frostie
From The Beat: What will it take to change? How will you go about
changing your ways? Tell us your plan for change.

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Solano County
The Safe Place
The safest place to be to me is in heaven cause that’s the only place
where someone won’t try to hurt you. There is no guns or weapons.
Anything can happen here on planet Earth.
-J
From The Beat: You’re right, anything can happen here, which is scary.
But is there any way to make life less dangerous before you get to
heaven? It would be a shame to waste this life waiting to get there.
It Won’t Go Away
I have a memory of my cousin getting shot right in front of me and it
seems like it won’t leave my mind no matter how hard I try to forget
it. It just won’t disappear.
-J
From The Beat: That’s an awful memory to have stuck in your head.
Have you ever talked to someone about it? Or written about it? It
might help you sort out your feelings.
A New Year -2012
My new year’s resolution is to take care of my son and be with my
family. To do that I will like to get a job, but there are a lot of things
that I like to do. I would like to take care of my son, and I know I
can’t do that from in here.
This is a new year and I would truly like to start over. To do that, I
will have to put all the things I have done into the past.
Something I am going to do this year is finish high school, and
really take care of my lil man. I know with me being in here I can’t
help take care of my boy.
I have one more resolution and that is to study to be a
businessman here, I am going to go to school and finish high school
so I can study to do that.. I know if you want to be a businessman
you have to go to school and work hard and I’m prepared to do that.
I know if I can work hard, I can do this.
A friend once told me, if you know what you want then you can
go get it. This is my new-year resolution.
To end this, I would like to say that I would really like to take
care of my son.
I have one more resolution, and that is to never come back
here. I know that I said this before, but now that I have a son, and
I’m in here, and I can’t support my son. I know that I have done a lot
of things in my life, but now that I have a son, and it is a new year. I
have a son to support that’s why you will never see me in a jumpsuit
again!
-Nicholas
From The Beat: Good read. Thank you for telling The Beat your truths,
and we know many readers respect your words, to be the best dad for
your son. You can do this, and much more. We support you in getting
that education, that job, and being a real father to your baby boy.
Safe Place
What’s good Beat? A safe place for me is being where I am. “Locked
up” sounds light weight sick, but when I’m on the streets I don’t
listen to the PO or moms. And I’m always out there grindin’, you
feel me!
And when I’m on the streets doin’ dirt the only thing I think and
care about is my money and my whip. It’s just something that won’t
go away! And I’ve been down for a minute, but I still got the same
mentality.
I’m about to be a father in three months and I’m goin’ to miss
my son coming into this world. So now I’m trying to grind on getting
my GED so I can be there for him and my baby’s mama when I get out
and not have to hit licks and worry about the boys hittin’ me up.
-Young Guttah
From The Beat: It seems like you are beginning to realize that you can’t
support your son on doin’ dirt—you need a real job and you need to be
a part of his life so that he can grow up to be successful and healthy.
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 52
New Years Resolutions
My new year’s resolutions are to stay focused on school so I can
better my education. Because with education you can do whatever it
is in the world you want. And to pretty much make my grandparents
happy. My other new year’s resolution is to get back into football
because my dream is to be in the NFL
-Nathan
From The Beat: What do you plan to do with your education? What do
you want to study or what to you want to be when you grow up?
Bad Decisions
There was one of the worst decisions I have ever made. I was
drinking at the cemetery, which was not smart. But it was dark. Me
and my friends needed a place to hang out, too many cops out. So
we are at the graveyard and it’s like two in the morning. We have a
bottle of Captain Morgan and some cherry coke. Then we were being
too noisy. Then the cops show up.
I notice as I am wanting to leave the cops show up and all you
hear and see. ‘Cause all we are seeing are flashlights. Two coming
from behind us and two coming from in front of us. And this is what
we hear is “nobody move.” Vacaville police. And everybody dips one
group goes one way. I go through the front gates past the police cars
and I was gone.
The only person who got caught was my friend Kimmy, she
went to jail. But that was a very bad decision to make. If I could take
it back I would. Never do that again.
-Dope
From The Beat: It sounds like you got away without any trouble. What
was the bad decision, drinking in the cemetery? Why did you guys
choose the cemetery to drink? Isn’t it a little creepy in there?
The Drink
My new year’s resolution is to slow down on my drinking. It’s like
every time drink, I get into some kind of trouble. I don’t get locked
up every time, but I get in trouble. This last time I drank I blacked
out and only remember two things. I just woke up in the morning
and was heckka mad. I don’t have a clue how long I’ll be in here.
-Go Go Gadget Go
From The Beat: It might help you relax on the drinking if you explore
why you drink so much in the first place. When you drink, are you
being social, are you upset etc?
Saved
What it means to be saved is to find the Lord. Listen to the word
and let it help you through tough times. Being saved helped me
get through the times when I was in doubt. I can give a lot of the
responsibilities to me getting saved to the staff. It helps you when
you are in a time of need.
-Anonymous
From The Beat: What were you in doubt about? How did the staff
support you in finding a better path?
How Does It Feel?
Do you know how it feels to be in jail
for something you didn’t do?
Do you know how it feels to be away from family?
Do you know how it feels to be in here,
for your birthday and Christmas?
Do you know how it feels to be in here,
when family is dying and going to jail?
It feels like hell.
-The Don
From The Beat: We can only imagine how it truly feels for you. We
hope that this is the year, the truth will set you free, and you can
reunite with your family.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 53
See’s Candy Bar
I remember when I was a kid I was doing a fundraiser selling See’s
candy bars. I remember buying one to try it out. When I tried it out
the taste of it was so good my mouth dropped when I was chewing
on it. It was a wonderful taste that I fell in love with.
If only I had a choice to have it one more time I would save it
all! Make it last as long as I can and enjoy it. Not only have one, but
millions of them and share them and share them with my family,
son and good friends. I love this candy so much. I dreamt about it
one night.
It been so long since I had one, so when I get out of detention
my personal goal is to go to See’s Candy and buy a pack and save
them to myself. So that my first candy in the world the taste of this
candy is a milk sweet chocolate with almond nuts in it.
-Joel
From The Beat: Joel, what a delightful sounding treat! Quite a few
members of our staff like See’s Candy as well. We really love the
description that you put in with this food, it really does sound amazing.
Continue to write about other things to excite you, we are interested
to see what you are capable of!
I Love Candy!
Snickers.
They’re creamy, and has many peanuts
Chocolate
Caramel
Nuts
Chocolate
The stickiest candy I have ever had.
Sweet creamy, and sticky caramel!
-Cardaja
From The Beat: Yum! We love your choice. And we agree that it is
sticky! However, it is kind of a good thing though, because that sweet
taste lingers in the mouth all day long, right? Enjoy the candies when
you have them in the future!
A Bad High
A couple years back I was going to stay at a friends, and we told our
parents we were going to see a movie. What we really had in mind
was going to get drunk. So my friend and I had someone buy us Four
Locos, we each got two.
When we got the drinks we went to the person’s house that
bought them for us. When we got there we drank one Four Loco and
smoked a blunt, then we left. We ran across the street and I finished
my next Four Loco and my friend took a few sips of his, then he
handed it to me to go to the bathroom. I was already drunk at this
point, but I started drinking off of his, and that’s all I remember.
When I woke up the next morning I was in my bed, scared. I
called my mom into my room and she told me what had happened.
After we were done drinking my friend’s mom came and picked us
up, she knew something was wrong. I threw up in her car, all over.
When we got to her house she called my mom, and she came
and picked me up. Then my mom called my dad because she thought
I had alcohol poisoning. When my dad arrived they took me to the
ER, but I started coming to my senses, so we didn’t go in. When
we got to my house my dad put me in the tub and washed all of the
vomit off me, and put me in bed.
This was a very bad experience for me, it also taught me a very
good lesson. I learned that people that buy youth alcohol don’t know
the effect it can have on someone. I could have died if I drank more,
and some teens do die from this. After this experience I never drank
again, and don’t want to. I hope adults will be smart enough to not
buy alcohol for kids in the future, to save lives, and help youth stay
clean of drugs and alcohol.
-Taylor
From The Beat: We agree that adults should not be buying alcohol for
kids, but we think you are missing the moral of your story. You asked
for alcohol to be bought for you and YOU drank it. You might want to
consider taking some responsibility for your actions.
Standouts Portland, Oregon Volume 17.01/02
Locked Up
Being locked up is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced.
Being under the custody of your state, in my country if you get
locked up once they expect you to never commit a crime, but if you
come back they will send you to a prison for a lesson.
I am a Muslim and committing a crime is against my religion.
Being a Muslim has a lot of rules in the religion. I really love being
a Muslim because of the way that the Muslim religion started. I
was born in the U.S. and I’m the first generation in my family to
be born in America. My parents and older siblings were all born
in Somalia, Africa, and they moved to the U.S. luckily because my
sister had a deadly disease and the only country that had the cure
for her disease was America.
My parents were also happy because they knew that they were
about to be living a better life. Even though I was born in America
I still know a lot about my people and culture. My parents sent
me back to Somalia, Africa the winter of 2008 for about 7 months.
When I went to Somalia, I would say I was a good boy, but when I got
back to America I started disrespecting my family, using drugs and
getting in trouble with the law.
Why I started behaving like that was because of the habits I
learned while I was in Somalia for the seven months that I spent
there. But I started committing a lot of crimes and now here I am
locked up in JDH (Juvenile Detention Home) for another charge.
But thank God that I am not facing any serious charges so when I
get out I want to stay out of trouble, focus on school, be loyal to my
family. And try to become a successful person and make my people
happy by becoming the President of Somalia.
-Abdirahman
From The Beat: It sounds like you have some great goals to strive for
and we wish you luck with them! Respect for your loved ones is so
important as they can be such a support for you in getting back on
track. Thank you for sharing with us! We hope your sister is well and
that the cure worked.

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Portland, Oregon
Drug Free
The bravest thing I have ever done was deciding to get drug free.
This was something that I didn’t really want to do. On the out’s I felt
like I needed to smoke so I can get through with my day.
Finally when my parents found out that I smoked they kept
telling me that I needed to quit. So it took me a couple of weeks to
finally agree to get clean. It was hard but in the end I finally did it
and now I’m finally happy.
-Demetrius
From The Beat: You are really brave, and we are proud of you. We know
quitting drugs is the hardest thing ever, and you are a powerful young
man. We are also glad that you have such wise parents. Do not fall into
the same old trap again! Keep a healthy body and go to accomplish
great things! You can do it!
Christmas
The most I miss about Christmas is being with my family and
girlfriend. I miss seeing my family coming together to celebrate the
holiday. Also talking to my girlfriend, she is mostly what I think
about behind these walls. All I wish for this Christmas is a second
chance at freedom to spend time with my family and my girl. She
gives me hope and a want to change my life to become a somebody
important.
-Ezequiel
From The Beat: We think it’s great that you have someone in your life
who gives you a vision of what the future can be like. This is a hard
time of year to be away from those special to you, hang onto that hope
and vision, and start that change now.
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 54
Problem Solver
My favorite candy is a Kit Kat Bar, because it has that silky melt in
your mouth taste. I discovered this when my older brother bought
me one for my tenth birthday. What makes this my favorite is the
luscious long lasting taste of milk chocolate. Inside this silky milk
chocolate coating is a chocolate wafer.
The last time I ate a Kit Kat Bar was when me and my dad were
fighting. So I bought a Kit Kat Bar and we split it and sat and worked
out our problems.
-Monique
From The Beat: Good description! You make us want to have a taste
of that “chocolate wafer”! Thank you for sharing the sweet memory of
your tenth birthday with us. And it is also interesting to know that
a chocolate bar helped work out the problem. Chocolate can be used
as a fantastic icebreaker. You are wise! Wish you will have a sweet and
pleasant life!
A Bad High
Last year I was at hempstalk and I got some mushrooms from some
guy and they were stronger than normal. I ate the whole 1/8 oz
and was frying really hard in a place that was already trippy. And I
bought some weed from this guy that said it was the best he’s ever
had and it was laced with LSD. I smoked it all trying to calm down
and it worse. I was frying for three days.
I was at a rave and I brought GHB and mixed it with a bottle of
water and planned on sharing. I already had two tabs and a half gram
of molly and I was rolling good and sharing my water (GHB). It was
the last couple gulps I downed it. A half hour later I just remember
walking to the car then waking up in the hospital. I overdosed
because I thought the GHB would mix with water but it doesn’t. It
just sinks and I got it all.
-Devin
From The Beat: Devin, those both sound like some really rough
experiences to deal with. Hopefully these events showed you the
dangers that street drugs can have on our bodies. Hopefully it’s helped
you better yourself. We here at The Beat are very happy that you
survived. Please continue to write, as your experience might help
prevent someone else from getting hurt.
Thanked In Sixty Seconds
I am going to thank my mom. Without her in my life currently I
would be hopeless. She supported me in every way possible and
has always told me its ok and things will get better. She gives me an
enormous amount of respect and I return it to her as well. She has
guided me to be a positive young adult and led me to a successful
life. I love her.
-Kolby
From The Beat: You have a really adorable mother! We can tell you
love her very much. She will be genuinely happy if she reads this one
day. She loves you and gives all she can give you. Do not let her down!
Struggle for her! You will do great in the future!
Thankful…
Something I am thankful for is my beautiful adorable son. I am glad
I’m doing my best on being the best father for my son. I’m happy
my son always puts a smile on my face; he is what I call my pride
and joy. It brings me to tears when I can’t see him, but when I get
released I get to see him. It makes me happy knowing I get to hold
him and see his beautiful smile.
I’m so thankful for him being on this earth and it brings me a
wonderful feeling knowing I have a son every step of the way. So I
hope when he grows up he will realize he has me to come to. Now
when I get to see him I know I’m thankful for everything.
-Joel
From The Beat: What a pride we hear in your words. You have
something to live for that is bigger than yourself, and we hope your
son realizes what a devoted father he has when he gets a little older.
Thanks for sharing!

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 55
Christmas
I always forget what Christmas is really about. I think it’s about
presents, food, family, and stuff like that. But in all reality it’s
about the birth of Jesus Christ. Even though it sucks really bad,
but it doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate Jesus birthday just as well as
everyone else. And that’s kinda what gets me through these harsh
holidays in jail.
Although I miss my family greatly, I miss freedom even more.
But my Lord does have a plan for me, and that is what makes it
possible to wake every morning. The first few weeks I was in here, I
had no hope. I thought my life was coming to an end, crashing down
on me. Exactly sixteen days went passed with a deep depression,
and on that sixteenth day, I decided to go to a Bible study. And that’s
what I needed to get through these horrible times.
I forgot why I’m on this earth and everything happens for a
reason. “For I know my plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and
a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) That verse gets me through the day and
makes life possible.
-Evan
From The Beat: We agree with you, it can be so easy to get caught up
in what seems fun and forget about the true meaning. Thank you for
bringing us back with you. We are so glad you are in a better place in
your heart!
New Year’s Resolution
My new year’s resolution is to change my ways. I’m going to stop
doing all the things that I’ve done, like get arrested by the cops or
mess up in court and with my PO.
The most is that I’m going to be a good role model to my two
younger brothers and teach them to go the right way, not the way I
chose. I need to show my mom that I really care and respect her by
not getting her mad and stress because of all the bad things I’ve put
her through, and also my entire family
-Leovardo
From The Beat: We here at The Beat are happy to hear that you want
to change your ways for your younger brothers and your mom as well
as your family. Do you want to change your ways for yourself too?
We hope that you can keep up with this New Year’s resolution, always
remember change starts with you.
Candy
I like Snickers because I grew up with my whole family eating them
instead of other candies. It’s the best candy bar and is even better
when you eat it upside down so you taste the caramel first. I had
this candy last on Halloween. I had a king-size regular and fun size
snickers all upside down. By upside down I mean the candy bar not
yourself.
-Bryan
From The Beat: At first we here at The Beat thought you were talking
about standing on your head and eating the snickers till we got to the
bottom of your writing. Well we can’t wait to try this piece of candy.
Thank you for sharing this piece of candy with us.
One Photo
If I was to go on a journey for a long time, it would definitely be the
picture of me and my mom when I was, like, fourteen. It was the last
picture taken of my mom before she died and she looked absolutely
beautiful.
Although it is really hard to look at, when I’m feeling down, it
helps a lot to look at. It helps me to remember that I’m going to a
better place.
-Evan
From The Beat: Your writing is very powerful and it sounds like your
mom was an amazing person. Do you have any special memories of
things you and your mom did together?
Standouts Portland, Oregon Volume 17.01/02
Favorite Holiday Dish
My favorite holiday dish is, without a doubt, a Thanksgiving meal.
I could eat turkey, corn, stuffing and potatoes every night. I always
make sure my family, every year, makes extra so I can have leftovers
for the next week. I make sure I don’t eat all day until the main meal.
I love it and it is my favorite.
-Kolby
From The Beat: We agree with you. A Thanksgiving meal is definitely a
treat to our mouths! Even the leftovers are tasty. Hope you enjoy your
meals everyday and have a good appetite!
Risk
A day when I took a risk would be when I was playing cards. I was
with my basketball team in Reno, Nevada. We were playing a card
game called twenty one. I kept losing money so finally I got to my
last fifty dollars. My friend asked me if I wanted to bet my last fifty.
I thought about it for about ten minutes then finally I said yes. So
we started playing and in the end I won. I was very happy because I
won all my money back.
After I won I decided to quit because I didn’t want to lose any
more of my money. If I ever had the chance to do it again, I wouldn’t
because I could have lost all of my money.
-Demetrius
From The Beat: We are so glad to hear you won at last. Yeah! You are
right, it would be horrible if you had lost all your money. However, it
is also a good thing because it teaches you a lesson. Think before you
act in the future, and try your best to avoid making wrong choices.
The sting of regret is painful, right? We believe you can do better in
the future!
Missing
Now that I’m locked up it’s the small things I miss the most. There’s
many people I miss but one person I miss the most is my girlfriend,
I don’t even get to see her. Today we are one year and three months.
I spend it alone in my cell and she spends it alone at home. It’s been
a month since we have seen each other. Lonely nights in my cell,
memories is all I have left.
The first time she will be able to see me is at court and in
shackles. My ol’ lady is taking it harder than I am; it’s hard trying
to be happy when I know I won’t be seeing her for about six years. I
pray for her also, every chance that I get. She sends me her letters
and religious belongings that she has blessed, praying that I’m safe.
It’s going to be a while before I can see her again, and it’s hard
doing my time when she’s always on my mind. I always tell her I’ll
be home knowing it won’t be for years. But I know she’ll wait for me
because she always has.
-Louie
From The Beat: What a milestone in a relationship, keep sending
those letters to each other, we think it helps you remain focused. A
bittersweet day your court date will be, stay strong.
New Beginning
I feel as if I have been given a new beginning for life. I was looking
at two charges both adding up to about thirteen to fourteen years.
I found out that I’m getting the worst charge dropped and now I’m
only facing five years and ten months. To know I’m getting that
much time taken off my sentence I feel so blessed because I’ll only
be twenty one when I get out.
I still won’t be able to graduate high school and that’s all my
mom wanted to see because it’s a big deal to her. The only way she
will see me get my diploma is in jail.
-Louie
From The Beat: It sounds like you are truly blessed for what you had
gotten. Keep your head up and tell your mom that you still get to get
your diploma. It’s just not at a High School, and also if you want to go
to College that could make her even more proud. Keep up the good
work and we hope you continue your education after High School.

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Fresno County
Sorry, Mom
This one time, I came in late and my mom got really mad at me. I
was hanging out with my friends and she told me to be home at a
certain time. She sent me to my room and threatened to ground me
for a month.
She stopped me from hanging out with my friends because that
got me in so much trouble. I was sad. She took away my phone and
my money. After a couple of days, we started talking again. I was
sorry and I told her I loved her. I would never do it again. I love my
mom.
-Leve
From The Beat: Moms always worry. To help keep their stress level
down, it’s important to not forget one’s responsibilities.
Never Again
One time I took pills and shared some liquor with my friends. I got
so high I can’t tell you what happened after other friends showed
up. Apparently I got really sick and passed out for a few days, and
when I woke I was still feeling those pills and got more sick. That’s
why I won’t drink or take pills ever again. I don’t ever want to do
that anymore.
-Kaylee
From The Beat: Good lesson learned! You really put your life in danger.
Where I Am
When I’m locked up, time to me feels like forever. I feel lost and
like if nobody cares. I sit in my cell and cry and think about all the
things I did to get myself where I am now. I know things happen for
a reason so I just keep my head up and don’t let anyone bring me
down. I wish and hope for the best to happen, because I know in
God’s eyes I do deserve the best outcome. I am a good person. I just
make wrong choices.
-Lexi
From the Beat: It takes this kind of hope to change one’s life around
for the better. Juvenile hall can be rough, but it can also be a time to
reflect. We are glad to see that you have come to these realizations.
We wish you the best.
Time Goes by Slowly
Time to me feels sad and hopeless. Why? It’s because time in
juvenile hall goes by slow. It doesn’t feel different even if I’m getting
released in two months. When I feel that it passes slowly, all I do to
pass time is read a book until I fall asleep. To be honest with you, I
don’t love time or hate time. I just try not to think about time ‘cause
when you think about it and count your days down, it just goes by
slowly.
-Rachelle
From the Beat: We are sorry to hear that you are sad. However, you
shouldn’t feel hopeless. You can change yourself and never have to
enter juvenile hall ever again. If you ever feel tempted to do something
bad, think of your time in juvenile hall.
My Arrest
I won’t forget the day I got arrested. I had to run from the police and
walk across the top of these apartments. I was very scared because
I’m scared of heights. It took me about an hour just to get to the end.
I messed up my shoes and everything. When I finally got down I had
to run in this field. The grass was hecka wet and stuff. I eventually
got tired. I started walking and then the police caught me and took
me in.
-Alshaya
From the Beat: We are sorry to hear that you ended up in this situation.
You should think about how you ended up there. What would you
change? This will help prevent you from getting in this situation again.
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 56
Angry Over an Android
Well it all started when my uncle came to my house and asked me
if I wanted a phone that he just bought, which was an Android. At
the time I really wanted a phone, so I asked my mom, “Can I have
this phone my uncle is giving me,” and she said, “yeah, but I ain’t
paying for it.” So I said, “ok then I’ll ask my grandma.” But then my
dad got home and he said no because he didn’t want me to take my
uncle’s stuff.
So I started getting mad and I kept constantly asking my dad
and mom. Since my dad said no, my mom just went ahead and said
no also. So I was super mad that mom kept telling me to calm down
and that she’ll buy me a better phone. I said no because I was so
irritated and frustrated that I couldn’t take no as an answer.
Later that evening my dad was getting mad ‘cause I kept
bugging him, so finally he said loudly, “NO.” Then I said no too and
I started cursing at him and yelling, but when it comes down to
getting disrespected my dad hates it. He won’t put up with it.
But anyway, we were going at it back and forth and he also said,
“I’m tired of all this” and stuff like him wanting to leave our house,
but then he like started getting mad. I ran up the stairs and I was
still cursing at him. He stood up and threw the gate at me and then I
threw it back. Then after an hour we got over it but we didn’t talk to
each other for about three days. Now ever since then we never argue.
-Lesley
From The Beat: Luckily, something was gained from this outburst –
no more family arguments. Something simple, like a new phone, can
easily disrupt the harmony shared by your family. Always value and
choose your relationships with people over the possession of an object.
Value of School
There was this time my mom got mad at me because I ditched school.
She was really angry. I didn’t mean to make her mad. She grounded
me for two months and didn’t let me go anywhere. She made me stay
home to help her clean and watch my brothers and sister.
I felt bad and I thought that I should have went to school. It
would have been different and I could have been doing things. It
took my mom two days to forgive me and she told me to not do this
again and to go to school. My mom got upset. She yelled at me, but
she never hit me. I realized I shouldn’t do it again. I don’t like to see
my mom angry.
-Angela
From The Beat: Going to school and reading books is an important
aspect of a teenager’s life, and your mom is just trying to make sure you
don’t miss out on learning valuable skills that will help you as an adult.
Hustle
Every day we’re living in their world we call Earth, but every day
we’re living a bad life. ‘Cause every day we’re out here trying to make
a living, ‘cause all we know is how to hustle people. That’s not a way
to live, but what do they know? They don’t know anything. They
think they know, but I’ve been out there hustling all my life, and we
got to eat and sleep one way or another.
Who is going to put clothes on my back? Who is going to feed
me? Not you. It’s me, cause I’m out here hustling. But that’s the old
me. The new me says that’s really not the life to live, ‘cause it wasn’t
the best for me, and it probably ain’t for you.
-Estefani
From The Beat: It’s not easy surviving in this tough world when you’re
hustling to survive, but you’ve got to know there are people out there
willing to help you. Just reach out.
Who is going to put
clothes on my back? Who is
going to feed me? Not you.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 57
Late Night Tale
A time that I made my mom very angry would be the day I came home
very late. It was around 4:30 in the morning. I was very drunk and
high and I also had a lot of hickies on my neck from my boyfriend.
She was so pissed at me that she couldn’t even believe that
I would come home like that. She couldn’t even look at me. I felt
like I disrespected her in many ways! She took my phone away and
didn’t let me go out for two weeks. I couldn’t use the computer. My
boyfriend couldn’t come over anymore.
It took my mom about a month to talk to me again! I felt really
mad at myself for letting this happen. Ever since that day I have
never disrespected my mom in that way.
-Lexi
From The Beat: We’re glad to hear that the relationship with your mom
has been repaired. No parent wants his or her child coming home late
and intoxicated, so hopefully this situation shows you how acting a
certain way can cause emotional stress for your mom.
My Bad Decision
The time I made my parents the most angry was when I came home
high off of a pill my friend gave me. I took the pill one Friday at
school and after school my mom picked me up. She couldn’t tell I
was high at first, but later on in the evening she finally realized. She
was so upset with me even though she knew I smoked she had never
seen me that messed up before. I couldn’t even talk right.
She yelled at me and told me I was grounded till the end of the
month. She didn’t hit me, but she was mad because she thought it
was a phase that was over with. I guess she kind of blamed herself
a little bit because she did it when she was my age and she doesn’t
want me to follow in her footsteps.
I guess when I saw how upset, hurt, frustrated and sad she was
it made me think, and I know I could of done a lot of things different
that day, like not taking that pill. I told her what happened and told
her I still smoked and was trying to stop.
Now all because that one bad decision, I’m here in juvenile hall.
Even though my mom has forgiven me I don’t know when I’ll forgive
myself.
-Jenaye
From The Beat: Sometimes it takes a bad high to make us realize the
negative effects of harder drugs. Your mom’s anger arose from a fear
that you could do long-term damage to your body and mind by taking
a little, random pill. It’s good to hear you’ve learned from this situation
– just avoid those “friends” that experiment with drugs.
Thinking
Time in juvenile hall goes by so slow, but to keep myself busy, I
usually just pick up a book. I hate thinking in here. There’s nothing
good to think about. I hate time in here, but at the end of the day, it
seems like it went by fast. So I get ready for the next day and the day
after until my time is up.
-Author
From the Beat: We are glad that you have chosen to try to keep busy.
You could also use this as a time to do a lot of personal reflecting. You
can really grow as a person if you think about where you want to be in
the future and how you can change things for the better.
Favorite Holiday Dish
I like turkey with gravy on top along with dressing. I also like baked
ham as a holiday dish. For dessert, I enjoy apple pie with some ice
cream. The holiday appetizers I like are crackers and cheese with
cured meat. I like to drink strong black tea with a cool temperature
while having these foods. Sometimes, I’ll drink soda, like Pepsi
instead of tea.
-Shaniqa
From the Beat: These are simple food items that can remind us of home.
We hope that you can have these foods once you get out. We are sure
you will fully enjoy them.
Standouts Fresno County Volume 17.01/02
Sticking up to my Dad
The bravest thing I have ever done was stick up to my dad. I
remember a time when I was on the run and I came home to my dad.
He didn’t talk to me at all. He made me some food and I ate it fast
because I was hungry and I was doped out. Then, my dad told me I
was sick. I got mad and told him to shut up.
That was my brave decision, but it didn’t last long. My dad got
mad and got up. He went to get a Pepsi and a hard liquor bottle. He
pushed my stomach with the bottle and poured the Pepsi all over
me. I have never been brave enough to talk back to my dad ever since
that day.
Stay drug free and don’t drink. It’s not worth it.
-April
From the Beat: We are sorry that you had to face that treatment. Think
about why left home and why you aren’t on good terms with your
father. Maybe you can think about the person you don’t want to be
and how you can become a better person.
Waiting to be Sentenced
Being locked in juvenile hall isn’t anything hard. The worst time for
me is waiting to see how long the judge is going to give me. After
that, it is a lot easier for me. It takes a lot of stress off my mind, and
I count down my days. My time might go by slowly, but it’s all right. I
know my release date. Being in here is not what I want, but its kind
of what I asked for.
-Lindsay
From the Beat: We are sorry to hear about all the stress. If this were
something you “asked for”, what would you ask for differently? Learn
from these times and ask for something that is better for you.
Locked Up
I’m locked up for the holidays
And there is no way out
I’m all alone in my cell
But there’s no time to pout
Christmas is coming and so is New Years
I wonder what my family is thinking about
I have no freedom
I’m getting no gifts
I want to be home and that’s my only wish
But I’m in juvenile hall and
It’s not what I want.
-Lindsay
From The Beat: Thanks for the straight talkin’ poetry – unfortunately,
we don’t always get what we want for Christmas, but sometimes it’s
because of our own actions. How will you change in 2012 to ensure
that you will be home for next year’s holiday?
Support from Mom
The time I got my mom mad. When I started to run away she was
mad. But all she wanted was for me to be home and safe. She was
still mad at me for about a week and then stopped because she
missed me so much.
A time when I had a bad high was not too long ago. I was
smoking and couldn’t stop so I just kept on smoking till there was
no more. A couple minutes later I started feeling sick and I started
to throw up. It lasted all night.
If I had the chance to thank someone in sixty seconds I would
thank my mom. She has really been there for me when I messed up,
and even though I know I messed up, she was always by my side. So
I would tell my mom thank you for everything in life, but I am a big
girl. I know what’s right and wrong. I can take care of myself now. I
got it.
-Celeste
From The Beat: Your mother appears to be very patient and
compassionate. How will you express your gratitude toward her once
you return home?

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Los Angeles County
Locked Up
I am locked up they won’t let me out. All I do is look up at the
ceiling, reminisce on my memories think of all the crazy things that
I’ve done with my homies, moments that I shared with my family,
and thinking of the reasons that got me ending up like this.
I wish I could go back and change some of the things I did –
better myself that’s only if I knew that I would end up here. I hate
being told what to do or have to ask to use the bathroom, drink. I
hate this place I want to leave. The judge thinks I belong in here
because of my actions, and all of the things and charges that brought
me here. They also judge me for how I look, but they don’t really
know me.
-Sea Boy
From The Beat: You start out talking about regrets and wanting to
make changes. We know your intentions are there, but what about
your follow-through?
Fame or Shame
Everyone knows who you are.
Everyone knows your name
What should it be called
Fame or shame?
When you’re walking down the street and you speak to people
they just speak to you to be friendly, but what it really is
Is they are afraid.
-Kenwone
From The Beat: This is a good start to something that could be really
interesting. Do you think that underneath the nice façade of people,
mostly they are afraid of one another? You might think about exploring
this on a deeper level in your writing. Perhaps describing what it is like
to walk down the street and imagine what is really inside of the people
you pass….
Childhood Nightmares
Many things in my life won’t go away; like all those bad childhood
memories running across my mind. All the anger that builds up
inside of me won’t go away. And right now as I think of my siblings
and the nightmares we been going through, it brings all types of
emotions inside of me and they just won’t go away. Even when I try
to block them out, forget about them, they’re still there, and they
won’t go away.
-Can’t Forget
From The Beat: We feel the pain in your writing and wish we could help
you overcome that pain. Perhaps by writing about it more, it will help
you to bring it to the surface, accept it as a part of you and move on.
You have a future ahead of you that doesn’t have to be like the past.
We sincerely hope you will find your way.
Leadership
I am a leader.
I once showed leadership.
Leadership is a good thing.
Leadership can be dangerous because you can lead people the
wrong way.
You also can lead people down the right path.
Being a leader is a good thing.
It’s better than being a follower.
You can be a leader by teaching younger people leadership.
-Marquise
From The Beat: This is a good start. What do you think is the difference
between a leader and a follower? Take what you have written a step
further. How does a leader lead people in the wrong or the right way?
What are some examples of leaders that have done good and leaders
that have done bad? Why do you think people follow bad leaders? Just
some things to think about.
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 58
Chinese Food
My favorite type of food is Chinese food. I like the rice, red meat, and
especially the sweet and spicy chicken. I like buying a big plate just
to myself. I also like the chili sauce they have. I’ll put it on the rice.
I also like having an extra-large soda.
-Rony
From The Beat: Okay, now we’re hungry! It would be interesting to
know why you think you like Chinese food best. Where did this love
come from—we’d like to know.
Candy
My favorite candy is the Mexican chili powder called Lucas. I love
Lucas first of all because I love chili. It’s so good and spicy that it
always keeps me alert. Another flavor it has is concentrated lemon
powder. Mmmm, how I love drinking lemon juice since I have my
own tree!
The other powder it has is sugar, a reddish color. When mixed
together, these three things create a wonderful taste of tangy, spicy,
and sweet. I can eat up to three to four bottles everyday, if I can.
There is a certain brand of Lucas that I like and it’s called Pico Sitos.
This is the regular size.
-Spicy
From The Beat: Wow, that’s a spicy candy and it sounds fantastic,
although it probably might make some people’s eyes water! We like
how you describe the three flavors mixed together, it gives a really
good feel for the candy.
Twix and More
Today I’m going to write about my favorite type of candy. My favorite
type of candy is a Twix because it is soft and tasty on the outside
and kind of crunchy on the inside. I like the taste of the chocolate
on the outside. I also like other types of candy, like Snickers and
Baby Ruth chocolate. The Snickers looks so good when you open
the wrapper and when you take your first bite it tastes so good! Then
you just enjoy it and make it last if you can. The Baby Ruth is good
too because when you take the first bite, you taste the chocolate and
caramel with nuts! Tastes really good!!!
-Edward
From The Beat: We can see you are a candy lover! Great job telling us
about all the different kinds of candy and how good they taste!
The Past
My past will never go away. It follows me through the worst and the
best. I can’t be ashamed because that’s who I was and I can’t change
it. I can’t regret, but I can learn from my mistakes in the past. I never
had worries or shame. I let my pride take all of that away. It was
about money, drugs and girls, but now that I have a kid, I wish he
didn’t follow my footsteps or worries. I wish me the best.
-Juan
From The Beat: It’s great that you realize you don’t need to regret or
feel shameful about the mistakes of the past—rather move forward
and make the future better, for yourself and for your child. Good job.
My Bad High
I was tripping. I wanted my high to end. I was getting kind of worried.
So, I started driving. But it wouldn’t work. So that is the last time
I will try that. I learned not to do so much of a drug I never tried
before. So that’s it.
-Jorge
From The Beat: This is a good start to some deeper reflection. What do
you think attracts you to do something that you instinctively know
is dangerous for you? We hope that you learn not only to “not do so
much of a drug that [you] never tried before. But that you would also
discover it’s best not to do ANY drug at all.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 59
Upset
The time I got my family mad was when I constantly disrespected
them by treating them bad because I sold everything in my house
for drugs because I was addicted to meth. It was a tough challenge.
-Jonathan
From The Beat: Wow, to look back on that experience I am sure gives
you a completely different perspective. We hope it shows you how
destructive these types of drugs are on your mind and body. If you
were to return home tomorrow, what would you say to your family?
What positive plan of action would you have to ensure that you do not
repeat the same behavior? You might want to write about this.
A Dark, Sunny Day
On a sunny day I woke up and my brothers were gone. My mom was
crying. I asked my mom why she was crying. My brother had been
shot.
I thought the gang life was the life to live. Seeing my brother
shot in the hospital was supposed to make me un-like it. But it made
me deeper. So I started to hang out daily.
-Tinyt
From The Beat: We would like to know why seeing your brother shot
made you go deeper into the gang life? What do you think your brother
would say to you if he could tell you right now? It’s something to think
about. We encourage you to explore this topic further in your writing.
Candy
One of my favorite candies is Starbursts. They come in a rectangular
long packet. There are a lot in it. When you open it up there are little
squares. They come in different colors. Starbursts are sweet and
sometimes sour and they are really juicy, to the point where they
make your whole mouth water and you start to drool. Sometimes
people even smack. My second favorite is Rollo’s. They come in a
circular packet and they are round milk chocolate circles filled with
sweet, gooey caramel.
-Shanee
From The Beat: Really great descriptions here! You have done such a
good job that we can almost imagine that we are eating one as we
read this!
Snickers
My favorite candy is Snickers. It’s my favorite because it’s just so
tasty. I love when you bite into it and you taste the chocolate caramel
nutty bar. The few seconds eating a bar is wonderful. It makes you
crave for another one nonstop, just eating that bar. Mmmm I can
taste it already.
-Leiniesha
From The Beat: This could be an ad for Snickers! Great description. You
obviously have a passion for this candy bar!
Sixty seconds of Thanks
In the fifth grade, I won a student of the month award thanks to
my grandma. She always encourages me to do well and offers me
rewards, which gets me motivated. I struggled in history, but was
always on top with math and English thanks to the help my grandma
and grandpa would give me.
I also thank my teacher for encouraging me and making me feel
valuable when I got good credits. Thank you.
-Brittany
From The Beat: Wow, that’s excellent. That is something you will
probably never forget: the encouragement of your grandma and
grandpa and also your teacher. Excellent job with your grades. It
makes a big difference when we receive encouragement and rewards
for our good deeds. Follow the path your grandparents showed you,
even when you don’t receive encouragement. It is worth it to work hard
and succeed.
Standouts Los Angeles County Volume 17.01/02
Baby Love
One thing that really saved my life was my son. If it wasn’t for
Jeremiah, I probably would be dead. Something I wish I could
escape from is my past. My baby’s daddy is a manipulative, abusive
psychopath and I wish I could delete him from my life.
I don’t follow because following, most of the time, leads you
into a corrupt lifestyle. I can’t get away from my first and only. He
meant so much to me. The father of my first born son just won’t let
me be. We fight and scream then he begs me “please don’t go.” He is
the father of my child and I won’t let him come into a broken home.
-Lady Bug
From The Beat: Very good writing. You are not alone in your feelings
of not being able to escape from a bad situation. Just know that we
encourage you not to stay in an abusive relationship, nor should your
child be exposed to that.
I Hate It When
I hate it when I’m in juvenile hall.
I hate it when I can’t play ball.
I hate it when I can’t stay in school.
I hate it when people try to act all cool.
I hate it when I can’t be home.
I hate it when I get all stoned.
But one thing I hate the most about this all…
I hate juvenile hall.
-Desmond
From The Beat: Many of the things you hate are things that you can
control. You can control staying out of juvie, staying in school, going
home and not getting stoned. Now let’s see you get out there and get
back the things you love to do!
The Time
When you are in jail time really goes slow for some people or for
others they like to spend time in here. I bet half of the people here
don’t even care about you or themselves. I don’t really think about
it. Really this juvenile hall is really nothing, just a waste of time for
me like a child care. Unless it’s something serious it varies when
it is serious.
I am a serious person so I take it in deep and clear for myself to
understand. I don’t like being locked up. I’m a very anxious person.
I have personal problems and experiences. Everyone does, but some
are alike and other people just dislike it but I don’t look forward
to that. I’m just glad I haven’t been caught up for something very
severe and really bad.
Yeah I have done bad things and I feel bad about them but I
don’t go around and take it out on people. I keep it to myself but if
I have something to say I say it with a deep breath and a clear mind.
But now I can say is that I have been through it all and it’s going
by fast but slow, very slow at the same time. Especially when your
friends or nobody writes you or don’t have no idea where you are at
or where you were.
I am frustrated in here because you have to get used to these
things they do, and you are not comfortable with it or you just are
not used to it. But at least I have plans, big plans this time! I’m not
coming back. It’s going to be hard though, but tough it and suck it
in. I’m not a baby no more. I have responsibilities at this age, now I
am a grown up. But I just wasn’t doing my job.
Now I’m more than awake so I’ve been knowing it but not doing
it. But it is hell in here gotta ask permission all the time is funny to
me but gotta go along with it just to go home. Four walls and a toilet
bowl and a sink just learning how to survive in different ways every
day?
-Rob
From The Beat: Rob, great job at letting it all just flow out on paper.
What was the point at which you went from being a kid to a grown-up?
Now that you consider yourself an adult, do you think you should be
held to adult standards and adult consequences in the legal system?
Keep up the good writing, and don’t limit yourself to four walls and a
toilet bowl. We look forward to seeing more writing from you.

Standouts
Standouts
Volume 16.47/48
Los Angeles County
This Anger Inside
This anger won’t go away. I have been holding it in for so long, I wish
it would leave. All my problems should just go away from me. But
if they did, then life would not be normal because I cannot imagine
always being happy. Every day I wake up angry. I don’t show it but
sometimes I just want to let it all out.
My time in this hellhole can end but, only if I choose for it to
end. That’s how I was raised and one day it will go away.
-Lavel
From The Beat: You have really shown us how you feel inside and that’s
what good writing is all about. You might explore this topic further,
asking the question of why you wake up angry every day and what you
can do to combat that feeling. Good job.
Saved From A Shootout
I was saved by my mom. One time it was late and I was with my
brother at a party and people were smoking and drinking. Then my
mom called my brother and said come home and my brother said no.
I said, “let’s go,” and we left.
Five minutes later, there was a shootout and it was on the news.
My mom told me, “see what happens?” My brother and I were lucky.
I wanted to leave because I listened to my instinct and it told me to
get out. I didn’t feel right and I got a sense something wasn’t right.
-Kologio
From The Beat: Excellent job showing how the decision of a moment
can affect an entire life. Keep listening to those instincts. We like how
you told a story here of an actual event that happened in your life.
Also, we like your use of dialogue. Good job.
Things That Stick
The things that are bad stick like glue, they just won’t go away. The
things that are great won’t last. They will stay just for a moment and
then they will escape. Most things that stick are just trying to keep
me down. The leaders that are great I try and keep around.
I ain’t going to give up because I have so much time to catch
up- because that’s my plan. So I can lead my family in their time of
struggles.
-Jacob
From The Beat: You have described something really well that everyone
feels at some point—how the bad things seem to stay and the good
things don’t last. There are good things that last though, and we would
encourage you to think and write about what those might be.
Candy
Snickers. Ice cream. Hershey’s syrup. Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.
Snickers have caramel with mouthwatering milk chocolate and
lots of nougat. Under the cookie dough ice cream, there are small
Reese’s cups with chocolate instead of peanut butter and topped
with warm Hershey’s syrup.
-Keith
From The Beat: We love this description! It paints pictures in our minds.
Great job!
Sensitivity
I’m a sensitive, nice girl who loves being there for people when they
feel alone. Sometimes people take my kindness for weakness. I hate
that ‘cause they think I could get punked.
I’m from the gang because that’s what I wanted: a family that is
like me and where I’d fit in and my family can’t think I’m less than
them. I got in when I was thirteen. I thought it was going to be fun,
but it isn’t like that. They steal.
-Cynthia
From The Beat: We can relate to what you say here: being thirteen and
desperately wanting a family to love and accept us. Stay sensitive and
kind—and be strong, too!
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 60
Saved
I was saved. I was saved. I was saved the third time I came in this
place. Saved because I wasn’t out in the street trying to smoke, or
walking down the street going to the smoke shop trying to get more
weed. I wasn’t out smoking. I was in trying to change, trying to stop
smoking that greens.
When am I going to be saved Going to be saved as soon as I get
out of this place.
-Melissa
From The Beat: Now ask yourself what you can do when you get out to
make sure you don’t find yourself back at that smoke shop! Find other
goals to achieve—we know you can!
Saving Myself
Something that is going to save me from not changing my ways is
my baby that I’m going to have. I think that’s going to change my
ways to do better. Something I want to get rid of is my drug use
because it’s a bad habit and I worry for my baby. I think I am my own
leader. I follow myself. Why? Because I just don’t follow others, I am
my own person, I make my own choices.
-Gaby
From The Beat: Read what you wrote again, as you have some good
insights here. As a leader who makes your own choices, do what you’ve
said and stop the drugs.
Real Leadership
Everyone wants to be a leader. Everyone talks about if they were a
leader they would change this and they would change that. But all
they do is change things for their own good and not of the good of
mankind. But if I was a leader I would take a vote on what should be
changed and change what they want to be changed.
-Kenwone
From The Beat: We really like your insight here. This is so true—great
job.
Saved is a Process
I’m in the process of being saved. I had an addiction to drugs and
a drug-addicted, abusive boyfriend. I wish he could get out of my
mind; he is half the reason that I am the way I am.
I’m being saved because I’m going to rehab. It’s a new beginning
for me, I’m being saved by being sober. I can finally get parts of him
(the drug part) out of my life, being sober will help me be a good
mother and a good daughter.
-Carina
From The Beat: Excellent insight. It’s good to see that you have taken
positive action to change your life.
A Real Leader
A leader is someone who makes orders and who people look up to
and follow. In my eyes, I think I’m a leader. Why? Because I don’t
like to be ordered, I like to make orders. I like to be independent and
have power. Every leader is different and has different qualities. I
will love to see my son become a leader and enjoy life. A leader must
enjoy youth because youth is a privilege you won’t ever get again. A
leader learns to conduct and enjoy life.
Something that will never go away is gang banging because I
love where I’m from and I never want it to go away. I love all my
homies like I love my family. I could never leave my varrio and if I do
I’m going to find my way back. It’s never going away. I love what I do
no matter the consequences.
-Unknown
From The Beat: A good leader also has a responsibility to his or her
people to help them live better lives. How would you do this for the
people you served?

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 61
...I just start crying and try
to tell them that everything is
going to be okay and that I’m
going to change my ways.
How Much My Parents Love Me
I love my parents ‘cause every time I’m locked up they come visit me
and they tell me that how lucky I am ‘cause they visit. But they don’t
have to, that’s what they tell me, and they tell me that to stay out of
trouble and go to school ‘cause they know that I don’t go to school.
Every time I skip school with my friends, they (my friends)
always tell me to go with them just to go smoke weed or go with
some girls and I’m just weak minded. And my dad always tells me
to be a man of my own actions and to be responsible with my own
responsibilities. And he tells me that one day my mom and dad are
not going to be there, that they might just pass away. And I just
start crying and try to tell them that everything is going to be okay
and that I’m going to change my ways.
-Flaco
From The Beat: We think your dad gave you a good piece of advice – to
be a man of your actions and be responsible. We can think of no better
time than now, before you get in any deeper, to change your ways and
show your parents how much you appreciate them. What is one thing
you can do today (not tomorrow, or in the future, but right now), to
move forward with this?
Standouts
Monterey County
Volume 16.47/48
Wishing For Some Trust
I love my parents. Just like everyone else, they teach me right from
wrong. I didn’t seem to listen. I’m just a hardheaded young man. If
there were something I could get from my parents, it would be their
trust so they could look at me like they used to.
Ever since I started gang banging and doing drugs they look at
me different. Not only them, but also everyone looks at me like I’m
different when I’m not. I have feelings too. I get sad, mad, happy and
fall in love just like everyone else. What I’m trying to say is I wish
my parents could trust me so they could look at me the same, but
till then keep wishing upon a star…
-Stuby
From The Beat: You’re still able to earn the trust of your parents, but at
what cost? You’ve got to ask yourself what’s more important: drugs and
gang banging or family? Take baby-steps and begin to slowly show
your parents that you can be trusted.
Control
If you got to worry about her doing things while you’re locked up,
then she ain’t the one for you. There’s nothing I could do to stop
you if you want to play games. I could only call yo’ phone and hope
yo’ feelings don’t change.
Hundred days up in here now I know it’s been a long time. Hold
on for another night; I’ll be out before sunshine. Hopin’ you stick to
your word and wait however long it takes. If you don’t I’ll never love
again ‘cause I learn from mistakes. A broken heart is hard to mend,
don’t know if I would be the same. I guess I’d be another victim to
her filthy dirty games.
-J
From The Beat: One good (and humbling) lesson that you point out
is that you can’t control someone else’s actions or feelings – only your
own. While heart ache is painful, we hope you don’t give up and don’t
rule it out altogether based on one person/experience – then you are
giving up and letting her actions control and determine your life. And
as you say, you can’t stop her from playing games – well she also can’t
stop you from loving again.
Standouts Los Angeles County Volume 17.01/02
Bad Trip
I went on a really bad trip when I tried shrooms for my second time.
The walls were attacking me in my mind. I was smoking a blunt
before I did it too. Well anywho I was trippin’ bro, but my first time
it was cool. I saw leprechauns it was awesome. They started dancing
and everything crazy right, but yeah it was on 420 and that’s my
story.
-Axel
From The Beat: So, was your second trip so bad that you don’t remember
it, or care to talk about it? You mention your first experience with
detail, but all we got from your bad experience was just that – it was
a bad one. Do you think it’s human nature to want to block out the
bad memories?
Two Strikes
Locked up again two strikes,
I’m still a teen,
Every time I wake up my heart skips a beat,
Can’t stop until I drop.
Posted with the buddies waiting for lunch to come,
Staff acting naughty taking our points one by one.
Been here for awhile, with the same hair styles,
Visiting we only get a couple hours,
When I’m locked up I’m the boss that has powers.
-Brown Boy
From The Beat: Don’t be so driven by the past that you throw away
your future. Use your powers to move yourself forward, make a better
life for yourself that does not involve being rated on a point system. If
not, what a waste of these powers you have.
Parents
There’s only one thing I’ve always wanted from my mom and dad.
And it’s the only thing I’ve always asked for and sadly, I still never
got. To be accepted! Being accepted is what I strived for. To be
accepted for who I am not for who they want me to be. The more I
run the harder it is. So now I’m going to stop running!
-Lil Joel
From The Beat: Now that you’ve decided you’re no longer going to run,
comes the difficult, but also very rewarding part – recognizing who
you were and realizing who you want to be. Being comfortable with
and accepting yourself is a gradual process – don’t give up and get
frustrated too easily. Good luck!
I Hate It When…
I hate it when I’m in here! It gets me mad when I get told what to
do by the probation officers. When my mom don’t even tell me what
to do like they do. I hate it when I get told to use the restroom and
brush my teeth. I hate it when I get woken up by the whistle almost
every morning. I hate it when staff will yell at you and you always
have to bit your tongue. I hate it when I come back!
-Gilbert
From The Beat: If you hate it so much in here, don’t come back. Don’t
give them a reason to put you back here. You know what you need to
do to stay out – so what’s stopping you?
My New Years Resolutions
My New Years resolutions are to stop drinking and listen more to
my mom and probation officer. These are going to be my goals to
accomplish so I can get off of probation. I need to listen to my
parent’s rules.
-Angel
From The Beat: Those are great goals to have! We’re confident that
you’ll be able to accomplish these and get off of probation!

Standouts
Standouts Volume 17.01/02
Honolulu, Hawaii
Top Dog
To be a leader, you got to
Have what it takes to be a leader.
You can’t be a quitter or a follower.
You got to lead your own crowd
And be the top shotta.
For me, I have never been
A follower or a quitter.
In that case, you can call me
The Top Shotta Rajjah!!
-Uriah
From The Beat: Yes, don’t be a quitter (unless it is quitting a bad habit).
As a leader, remember to be compassionate, to be understanding. Not
everyone has the same skills in life that you have.
My Safe Place
When I’m ragin’ I like to go for a jog alone. I like to leave the situation
and be with someone who I care for. My safe place is with someone
I love or like or just plain alone! My safe place is in my hunnie’s
arms...I hope to be in my safe place soon.
-Kaneohe Girl
From The Beat: Good idea, best to distance yourself from a situation
that gets you heated...then you can get your thoughts straight and
speak your mind civilly instead of just reacting.
True Leader
A true leader has skills that make him a leader. No one can be born
a leader. Everyone has to practice to become a leader. You learn
something from someone or something and then you teach others
or lead others.
For some people, they will just do things that are random and
another person would just follow them. There are two ways of being
a leader. One is to show people how to do things. The other is like a
gang leader, thinking they run shhh.
-Traven
From The Beat: It is so true that leading by example is a powerful way
to lead, to teach. It sounds like you know what to look for in life,
which will help you become an excellent leader.
Negativity
Negativity! will always be around.
You can never avoid it.
It’s like an irritating rash
You can never get rid of.
I HATE NEGATIVITY!
WHY NOT BE POSITIVE PEOPLE!!!!
-Cully
From The Beat: So many people are negative, but each of us makes a
choice whether to be positive or negative. Each day when we wake up,
we can make that choice for the day.
As The Soul Hits
As the soul hits heaven and it goes to the Lord above, imagine us
going to a better place, to God in the sky, he will take care of each
and every one of us.
Even though people say God only takes one hundred forty four
thousand, don’t listen to them they’re just a fool. Just pray to the
heaven in the Lord in the sky and may your soul do good as it goes.
-Celina
From The Beat: Everyone certainly has a different perspective of what
your soul is and what goes on after our lives are over. You may even
change your mind from time to time about what you actually think
to be true. As long as you stay true to yourself, respect yourself as a
woman and respect others, you will be good to go.
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 62
Groups
Groups after groups
Getting sick to my stomach.
I feel like I am going to vomit.
I feel so bionic
It makes me look like a chronic.
So I run up to the sky
To let my freedom fly
I am going to stay out of jail
And I will never end up in hell.
-Ivan
From The Beat: If groups after groups is like gangs going after gangs,
then, yes, it makes people sick. Good for you for doing all you need to
do to stay out of jail from here forward.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 63
Stealing
I have never stole in my life because I am scared of getting caught
and I don’t think it is right.
One Photo
I’m going on a trip for a long time and on this trip I would take a
photo of my big brother. This photo was taken in East Belfast. My
photo sometimes makes me happy because I know he will be with
me and sometimes it makes me sad. I carry this photo because it is
special to me. Reminds me of all the good times we had.
Parents
I’ve always wanted my parents to be more strict with me. I never get
love. I don’t know why I never get it.
I Hate It When....
People think they are gorgeous. When I don’t get what I want. No
food. People go on about when it rains.
-Danielle
Stealing
I’ve never stole off a family member. I think it’s awful and wouldn’t
have the balls.
One Photo
I’m going on a journey for a long time and on this journey I would
take a photograph of my mum, dad and brother and two baby sisters
and me. This photo was taken on holiday in Tenerife under the cliffs.
It was beautiful. It reminds me of something happy because Tenerife
is my favourite place in the world and my family look so happy. I
decided to carry this photo with me to remind me of them and us on
holiday together.
Parents
My parents are usually very supportive, and would support me all
the time in the decisions I make. I always get love and respect from
my parents.
I Hate It When....
I fight with my family and friends. I hate tech on winter mornings. I
hate it when fat kids wear belly tops and it looks awful. Makes me
feel a tad sick
-Krista
Stealing
I have stole the odd wee sweet like, but nothing big,
One Photo
I am going on a journey for a long time. I will take a photograph of
my two nieces and nephew, Chelsea, Ruby and Daniel. It was taken
in my living room. It reminds me of happy times. I am carrying this
photo because these three kids I love the most. It reminds me of all
of us being together!
Parents
I never got the respect about my views from my parents. I don’t think
I got this because my dad had different views and never backs down.
Yeah I tell my dad all the time what I think of his views.
I Hate It When....
It rains!! Ya just get up, straighten your hair and then when you go
out the door you feel like cracking up!
-Nicola
Standouts
Standouts Project Impact - Belfast, Ireland Volume 17.01/02
From The Beat: Here we are, our first issue of 2012, and we already
see the commitment coming from our new friend and colleague Clinton
Kirkpatrick and the mighty Project Impact writers and artists out
of Belfast, Ireland! This is their third installment of writings in a
row, which we are once again excited to share with The Beat Within
community. With that said, we will let these young writers share their
thoughts on their writing prompts.
Stealing
I’ve never stole from anywhere or anyone
One Photo
I am going on a journey for a long time. On this journey I would
take a photo of my dog. My best friend. It was then on the beach.
My photo reminds me of a happy time at the beach with my dog and
Nicola. It reminds me of a nice sunny day at the beach.
Parents
I have always wanted a quad and I never got it. My parents always
give me respect and love. Yes I talk to my mother about things more
than I would talk to my daddy.
I Hate It When....
My mum buys food out of Iceland because its stinking!
Stealing
I have never stolen from a family member,
One Photo
I’m going on a journey for a long time. I would take a photo of my
family with. It was taken at Bangor lighthouse and its a really happy
photo because its my family. Good times!
I hate it when....
I have to get out of bed early in the morning.
-Michaela
-Amy

The Beat Witout
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 64
The BEat Beat Without
Volume 17.01/02
Dear Beat
Hi. Once again, it’s JCL writing to The Beat from San Diego, CA.
Sorry I haven’t written lately, but I have been a little busy. I wrote
some pieces regarding some of your recent topics, and I hope they
can be published for all to enjoy.
Happy Holidays to all The Beat writers and readers! I know that
serving time is frustrating, (as you can tell, I’m locked up as well)
but just know that you got to keep your head up, and all will be ok.
I have some news for The Beat! First, my 19th birthday is on
December 31st!! (New Year’s Eve). Second, I am due for release on
February 16th, 2012. It will be the end of my nineteen-months of
being locked up. I look forward to it and I plan on staying busy by
doing positive things in my community so I don’t come back. The
best news of all…
… Let me start by telling The Beat a little bit about me. I never
met my biological family, except for my little brother. We have never
been separated. Me and my little brother were in foster care for the
first few years of our lives. We were adopted sixteen-years ago by a
wonderful family, which we both love dearly.
I began going astray around the age of nine, by acting up and
eventually I was put back in the foster care system to rehabilitate
my behavior. The first time I got locked up was when I was fifteenyears-old,
and I have been busted four times since.
To get to my point: I am acquainted with a program through
juvenile hall, which offer various resources. I took the initiative to
ask one of my case-workers to help me find my biological family. To
my surprise, my probation officer came to see me today and told me
I should be receiving a letter from someone who has been found to
be my biological sister.
Though my birthday isn’t until tomorrow (today is December
30, 2011), I can say this is the best gift I have ever received. I await
anxiously ‘till I can get a hold of a letter, I have waited 19 years for
this moment to come.
I want to mention how glad I am for meeting a pen/pencil. I
am extremely anxious and have so many thoughts and questions
running through my mind, and writing this letter to The Beat has
really allowed me to acknowledge the power writing has given me.
By writing this piece, I sense my nerves easing up, and I’m proud
to say that writing has taken quite a big amount of stress out of my
life.
I hope the young minds reading this can continue to read and
write poems, songs, raps, or any other form of literature as a way of
coping in life.
I look forward to updating The Beat on the status between me
and the sister I have never met.
Words to the Wise
It only takes one move to create a domino effect.
My Cell
A cell is no place for a man
It will torture your soul because it knows it can
The sinks are made of metal
The water it feeds is polluted
A cell will drive you crazy while your hope is slowly diluted
I got too much time to think
As I stare at the while blocks
The clothes on my back are fading
And I got a couple holes in my socks
My bunk is made of concrete
My mattress is half-an-inch-THIN
A cell is no place for man
It will shut you down slowly
Within
JCL
We are thrilled and honored to showcase our friend JCL in our fist issue
of 2012! We are really-really excited to read his next letter to us, and
we bet you will be too, after you read what he has to share. JCL has
been a steady contributor this past year, and we expect nothing less
from him in 2012, even though he will be free most of the year. Today
JCL writes us from East Mesa Juveile Detnetion Facility, Alpha Pod in
San Diego, CA.
My Soul
Jail took my freedom
My clothes
My cell phone
My wallet
But it will never take my soul
Jail took 19 months
Of fun
Of pleasure
Of family-time
But it will never obtain my soul
Jail can keep what it took
I don’t expect to be reimbursed
Just know that I am a warrior
And a warrior’s soul will always remain intact.
L-Wop
(Life With Out Parole)
25 to life is a scary thought
15 years old, in a cage left to rot
What makes a man worthy of L-WOP?
Killed, due to anger.
Anger, due to a grudge.
Attorneys, District-Attorneys and Prosecutors,
What makes you worthy enough to judge?
When was the last time a bullet grazed your head?
When was the last time
You saw your best friend dead?
60 seconds is never a lot.
But it’s enough to get poor kids L-WOP.
Throw a hundred grand
In the system’s face like cold water,
And it looks the other way
While reducing a case to manslaughter.
When a 15 year old
Can barely afford 25 cent slots,
He is eligible to make 10 cents an hour
Because he is serving L-WOP
I hope the young minds
reading this can
continue to read and
write poems, songs,
raps, or any other form
of literature as a way
of coping in life.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 65
The BEat Beat Without
What The Pen Did To Me
Angry at the world
Tired of defeat
Robbed of a childhood
Faster than I could blink
Violence – the option I chose
Never allowed myself to stay composed
Cried, yelled, fought
Denied that there existed a Lord
Hadn’t yet met the pen
Comfortable using the sword.
Didn’t chase success
Yet I wanted to be the best
Equality wasn’t enough, so I didn’t accept stalemate
To me, life was always a game
‘Till I became somebody’s cellmate
The sword gave me plenty of pleasure
Though the size of my heart was still too small to measure.
Began to read
Was easily hooked
Never did I think
I would come to love books
Sustaining Change
Dear Beat Within:
Hey how are you all! I hope blessed. It’s been a hot minute since
I wrote and spilled some knowledge to your publication. So here I am
to spread the love and wealth of enlightenment. This article is on:
“Sustaining Change.”
The road of life is a pot hole filled journey, full of highs that make
you feel happy to be alive, in the era of today. And then there are the
lows, you filter through that ‘cause you to feel depressed or stop and
think why was all the tragedy fell upon your plate.
Life is just like that. There’s hardly a middle ground. So we gotta
take an equal share from the good and the bad and shape this into the
fuel that keeps us moving. There’s something to learn even from the
biggest setbacks. The key is to set your emotions or better feelings
aside and take a serious look at all angles of the situation. And figure
out how to improve on it or avoid making the same mistakes twice.
There are some instances that befall us that we have no control over. In
those cases great courage and faith are required. As much as you may
feel things will never improve, well, they will. It just takes life a little
time to get back to you.
In the meantime, it’s you who must draw on your own strengths
and start making the right adjustments to effect a change toward
positivity. For me to say start making the right decisions, probably falls
dull on your ears. The right moves are often baby steps. You can start
in many ways, such as: practice not cursing so much. Mentally check
yourself when you get a bad thought or reflex decision to do something
you know will only bring you more harm than good. Before you act on
something negative think of how your mother or close relative would
feel to witness you do such a thing and how much it would pain their
heart. Compliment yourself when you do something right, notice
JCL cont.
The Beat Witout
One day I was mad
So I picked up some ink
Began to jot down
These thoughts that I think.
A writer soon to be
Little did I know it
Not just an ordinary writer
I title myself as a poet
I still find myself angry
But mostly in bits
My heart’s gained some pounds
I no longer throw fits
Traded in my sword
Devoted to a pen
Looking forward to the moment
I can use it again
This I won’t deny
It’s a feeling of pride
No longer catch me with the sword
But the pen at my side.
Volume 17.01/02
The thing about the change is, a journey in itself to
get there and well worth it. And it’s also very easy
to slip back into your old way of thought.
Alex Diaz
We welcome back to the pages of The Beat our friend and teacher,
Alex Diaz. Alex steps up with a very inspirational piece on change. We
welcome his input, knowing his words will touch you readers to look
at yourself in a better light, especially as we begin the new year. Alex
writes us from the California Correctional Institution in Tehachapi, CA.
that little changes in your attitude toward circumstances and or people
who’ve crossed your path. Don’t’ give the next person the satisfaction
of making you upset or angry. Let it roll off your shoulder because that
person does not deserve to rent that much space in our mind. When
you make a positive choice, stick to it, be proud of your good choices
and most of all don’t let yourself down. These are all little things you
can do. One step at a time, in no particular order, to start a change
in you. Once you do you’ll realize how much better you feel about
yourself. About your direction in life and about how much happier you
are unstressed. And being about something more than a gang or some
tuff image. You can relax, confident in who you are.
The thing about the change is, a journey in itself to get there and
well worth it. And it’s also very easy to slip back into your old way of
thought. The solution to this is not to become all discouraged or upset
when you hit a wall in your path. Look at that wall as a test in your new
found positive outlook. Use the new skills you possess, to tackle the
obstacles in your way.
Change is the process of developing a new “you”. And with this
reinvented you will come a set of different views and morals. Embrace
them and don’t overlook the places you’ve come from or how you got
to where you are today. Be proud of your change ‘cause where you were
before in life was only leading to more hardship, and where you are now
is an evolution of yourself. Burn all those negative bridges in your past
and form new meaningful pathways for your own future – one love

The Beat Witout
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 66
The BEat Beat Without
Volume 17.01/02
I’m Not The One You Left Behind
I’m not the one you left behind
Now I can see like they say love is blind
I am not the one that loved you so
But I’m the one who let you go
I’m not the one who used to rank
Now I’m the one with a shank
I’m not the one who believed your lies
But I’m the one that’s crying
I’m not the one you put on cloud-nine
Now I’m the one getting blown and high
I’m not the one that you made dream
But I’m the one who does dirty work but keeps my hands
clean
I’m not the one who was true to you
Now I’m the one who’s over you
I’m not the one who was true to you
Now I’m the one who’s over you
I’m not the one you used to play or the one that begged you
to stay
But I’m the one who didn’t give a shhh what you say
I’m not the one you used to kiss
Now I’ll be the one you’re gonna miss
I’m not the one you made smile
Bit I’m the one with the classy style
I’m not the one that was missin’ you
Now I’m the one with something new
I’m not the one that was deep in love
But I’m the one who puts on the gloves
I’m not the one that you made believe
Now I’m the one they all retrieve
I’m not the one you dedicated songs to
But I’m the one who doesn’t want you
I’m not the one you stole away
Now I’m the one who runs away
I’m not the one that you broke
But I’m the one that daily tokes
I’m not the one you talked shhh about
Now I’m the one you made shed tears
But I’m the one that puts it down and makes it clear
I’m not the one you deny
Now I’m the one with open eyes
I’m not the one beggin’ you to come back
But now loneliness is what I lack
I’m not the one with the broken heart
But I’m the one slangin’ at the mini-park
Your party’s finished and mine crackin’ and hasn’t even began
to start
I’m not the one who wrote all these letters, now,
I’m that down ass jina and I’m getting letters
I’m not the girl waiting for your call
But I’m the one your homeboys missin in and out the halls
I’m not the one who wants you back
Now I’m the one who makes all the parties crack
I got a pound and all you got is a little sack,
It ain’t my bad, all your jinas belong on the track,
do you even wonder where there mouths have been, when
you ‘bout to mack?
I’m not the one you need to tell your stories,
But I’m the one that parties night and morning
I’m not the one who used to laugh at your snoring
Now I’m the one who’s moved on and thinks you’re boring
I’m not the one that you met with low-self-esteem
But I’m all dolled up looking fresh and clean
But most of all I’m not the one that will be waitin’
Now I’m the one paper makin’, and lives I’m taken
I’m not the one begging I’m the one bangin’
No time for you, I’m just sayin’.
Maria
We don’t know a lot about Maria, but we do know she has plenty
to share, and she is truly taking advantage of her gifts as a writer/
poet. The following selection speaks volumes as to what she is going
through. We do hope she is feeling a bit better now, as time heals
the wounds of love lost. We assume that Maria is a participant in our
writing workshops in the San Bernardino County Juvenile Hall, in San
Bernardino, CA
It Was Just My Imagination
Me and you together you promised always and forever
You say I’m your babygirl and we belong together
You say that you’ll leave me never and I bring sunshine
despite the weather.
You whisper in my ear “baby I’m down for whatever,”
I’m in your arms no need to say good night,
my life is perfection as you hold me tight.
My world was darkness but you brought light,
always let me know everything gonna be all right.
You give me visions of a happy life no knives or strife,
you say one day you gonna make me your wife.
You call me everyday and make my pain go away,
when you tease me I say “boy don’t play”
You take care of me and I take care of you,
God knows all the shhh we been through.
You make me laugh,
on all the rainy days and somehow all the pain just fades away,
sing me songs and tell me jokes got me writing Loca loves Lil
Tokes.
Finally all my dreams come true just as long as I belong to
you.
God bless you, you make me feel brand new.
How’s I get so lucky, I don’t even got a clue.
I’m so happy ‘cause you’re all mine can’t explain it.
It’s like you gotta hold on my mind and baby I’m forever down
to ride,
You truly are one of a kind, can’t explain the feelings you give
me inside,
I’m your down lady that’ll always be by your side.
We’ll take on the world, babe, together with pride.
When I’m with you I’m so happy my smile I just can’t hide.
When I look into your eyes I see the sunshine,
I feel in love what a great surprise.
You tell me “I wish you could see what I see, you”
Everything I do is ‘cause I love you
We’re having a baby, Baby. Thank you Baby,
we’re gonna make a life together and stop messin’ up and go
through it together, even when times get rough.
Wait, where’d you go, oh you left me?
Broke my heart and misled me?
You lied about marriage, I had a miscarriage?
You were cheating and lying?
I overdosed and you left me crying?
You didn’t answer my calls or my letters?
You moved on to jinas far better?
You talk shhh about me and make me cry got me feeling like I
wanna die?
Gettin me pregnant you deny. You laughed when you heard I
cried?
You tell all your new girls the things you told me,
like that you “finally realize why they say the best things in
life are free”
You never loved me you were playing me?
Those things you did and said didn’t mean anything?
It was just my imagination running away with me.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 67
The BEat Beat Without
To The One Who Broke My Heart
This to the one who broke my heart after you left me my world
fell apart.
I loved you and I thought you loved me too, no matter what,
I was down for you.
You were my first time
I’d send you letters with in love rhymes.
You’d tickle me and make me laugh
say “don’t talk to daddy that way” and get a slap.
You held me close and said you’d love me
you’d give me a thousand kisses and hug me.
You told me I was your beautiful princess
the one that would have your baby
little did I know you were being shady
you promised me dream come trues
daily told me I was forever your one and only lady
you’d kissed me till I fell asleep
I never knew you’d make me weep.
I’d wake up in your arms
You didn’t love me it was all just charm.
You’d kiss me all over my face we’d make love then take a break.
I’d do my hair and makeup getting ready to see you
little did I know you were never true too.
I’d wait for your call everyday
still can’t believe you went away
sometimes I wish you could rescue me.
But then I realized what you did to me
you’re not a man just a little kid
you were my life
I was gonna be your wife
but in the end you just lied
you broke my heart in two
you get daily someone new
but one thing I hope you never forget
your choosing death.
I know you’re on drugs and chillin in los calles
I know you’re funking around with girls of the finest
but I know that it’s all just gonna lead you to a dead-end
and your gonna wish you had my love again.
I know I’m not as cute as all those hood rats
and I’m way to tight to fit for romance
I know I just want the best for you,
for you to succeed and to spend forever with you
I know I’m not easy
or have expensive clothes and I don’t have her boobs or her nose
I’m sorry I don’t agree with the life you chose
or that you’re stuck in a pose
you were everything and everything was you
it’s too bad you didn’t wanna be true
I wish I can make you understand
that the pain you’ve brought upon me I can hardly stand
I was your lady and you were my man
what I thought was the finest baby boy in all the land
well here’s the end I’m done crying
this is now that was then
I hope that you be careful and somehow find your way maybe
back to me
there’s always someday but I’m letting go and moving on
please papasito just stay strong
I hope you figure things out,
if you don’t, forever me you’ll be without.
Maria cont.
The Beat Witout
Volume 17.01/02
It Hurts Me
It hurts me that I thought you loved me.
It hurts me that you promised if you couldn’t have me you
didn’t want nobody.
It hurts me that you said always and forever,
you’d kiss my cheeks and say “baby we belong together.”
It hurts me that you promised,
whatever whenever when all you really meant was never.
It hurts me that you put dreams in my head,
but little did I know you had different hoes in your bed.
I should’ve cheated instead, and you said all those things to
keep my legs spread.
It hurts me that I’m still in love with you, even though all that
you put me through,
and know all that you said to me, you say to all your new jinas
too.
It hurts me that you left me all alone, so I decided I couldn’t
take the pain
I needed to get stoned.
instead of nights with you I hooked up with some Patron.
You ignore me now, boy, why’d you gotta go?
You talk so badly of me,
what the “ef” I thought you loved me!?
I hear you get new ladies monthly and on Facebook you’re
titled as their hubby.
It hurts me that you broke my heart,
you said I caught your eye from the very start.
It hurts me that you walked out on me, knowing all that you
meant to me.
It hurts me that while I’m missing you, you’re just trying to
get some aren’t you.
It hurts me that I can’t let go, why you left I still don’t know,
I try to move on at least I can, but the pain I just can’t stand.
It hurts me when I hear oldies thinking of you and all the lies
you told me.
It hurts me because I know you don’t have a clue,
of how bad you’re hurting me do you?
Hard to believe that one time you made me feel brand new.
I know one day you’ll want me back and miss me too,
but sorry ‘cause one day you’ll love me, pero, I won’t love you.

The Beat Witout
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 68
The BEat Beat Without
Volume 17.01/02
Dear Beat Within
I have heard about you for some time, but was unable to obtain
your address, only until now. However, I was also warned that you
probably are not running a weekly publication any longer. Hopefully
that’s not the case.
I am a prisoner of 22 years .. 38 years old, Los Angeles native and
former Blood gang member. I’ve written several unpublished books
and booklets ranging from children, philosophy to biographies.
Enclosed is the “intro” and an excerpt of Chapter One of my memoir,
“Godsun Buried Alive”. You can print it anywhere, anytime.
My intention behind this letter is to seek your assistance
and join forces. I need an editor and assistance in getting my
autobiography “Shattered Mirrors: Loyalty and Betrayal,” published
for the masses to read. Although raw street life, the political
overtone mixed with an emotional roller coaster of my life’s story
has bewildered everyone who has read it … even a few CO’s.
I’ve been in the SHU since 2006 with no end in sight due to a
bogus prison gang validation. However, isolating me only gave me
more time to perfect my intellect. If you (or you know others) that
is interested, please contact me. Thanks.
Lastly, I have several writings I can send to The Beat Within.
Concrete Casket
(Excerpt from Chapter 1)
Time spent away, long extended periods away from what’s considered
the norm. My existence has been deprived to “live”, instead I am
forced to only “exist” inside of a concrete casket somewhere deep
within the bowel of California’s prison confines. The Security
Housing Unit or SHU, what it’s commonly called.
Enslaved are those lustful demands for the opposite sex,
periodical contact visits from loved ones that often satisfy the
internal and external stimuli; no phone calls or photo taking to
stimulate and arouse and incarnate the sensory perception of what
living is about.
The SHU is designed to conflict with living. Although
somewhere in the mountainous rubble is a living being. Perception
is subjective when your will to live normal in an “abnormal”
existence over-rides all of societal moralities.
Jerry Burton
We welcome the talented and thoughtful writings of Jerry Burton.
Jerry’s letter to The Beat informs us readers of who are new friend is,
and what his positive intentions are. We are thrilled to showcase his
voice in the pages of The Beat Within, and look forward to reading the
rest of his memoir. Jerry Burton writes us from the SHU in Corcoran
State Prison in Corcoran, CA.
Godsun Buried Alive, A Memoir
Introduction (Page)
I began constructing “Godsun Buried Alive” upon my 22nd year
of incarceration. Within the past five years confined in one of
California’s three Security Housing UnitS (SHU) in Concoran the
beginning of 2011.
It is actually a memoir (“pre-qual”) to my autobiography called
“Shattered Mirrors: Loyalty and Betrayal”. However, “Godsun
Buried Alive” is much more narrow because it only deals with my
experience being isolated in the SHU indeterminately for being
wrongly validated as a “prison” gang member, Black Guerilla Family
which I’ve never been a part of.
Hence, the SHU is a concrete casket where the deadweight
prey on the lost souls. And the lost souls become dead weight.
It’s a vicious cycle of survival against all odds’ where abnormalities
become normal; your homeboys are actually your enemies and the
system that rather break than repair you.
Furthermore, I reached back into one of my book collections,
being that I am an avid reader of any and all cultural, social,
philosophies, and so forth. In fact, it was this one book recommended
to me by a psych who was fond of my intellect … he always insist
that I order “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor E. Frankl. Dr.
Frankl was a psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust. His details of
survival in Nazi prison camps bare an eerie resemblance to today’s
prison construction and personal ties.
I touch on the twisted mentalities “us” prisoners possess here
in the SHU. Highlighting how dysfunctional and blind we prisoners
are --- isn’t going to score big with the inmate- convicts class. I on
the other hand is not special nor better than any other person here,
but I chose not to label myself as an inmate nor convict. I’m simply
a prisoner at war (PAW)… Whether it’s with myself, the prison-class
and/or the system that has unconstitutionally held me captive in its
confines since I as 16 years old; going back to1989.
22 years without a rest; today at 38 years old I continue to
strive and fight before my number comes up and I’m pushed into
extinction. I’ve seen it happen many times, where poor mothers
can’t even fund the return of her child’s body from prison, to paying
for his burial.
The homeboys pour a lil’ liquor, but not a dime into the savings
account for your children or help cover other expenses.
In prison your memory die out just as fast as it took to fill that
cage (all) with another prisoner.
Constructing unity amongst the oppressed prison-class has
become a lost cause. In spite of positive forces of creation that can
benefit this “zombie” class. Our fratricidal savagery has become
inmate within the cone of our nature. The more deprivation the
hungrier one gets. But sadly, we all rather fight each other over the
crumbs the system tosses on the ground. And that craving is never
satisfied, so our beast instinct become more skillful to accomplish
bigger missions of unimportance. Thus these “bigger missions” is
not structured to off-set the motion of the system’s machine.
The mechanics and inner working of psychological behavior
performed by the mass delusional prison class transcends logical
reasoning. But as in any case, anything worth living for is worth
dying for. If we continue to nurture and sustain our ignorance,
many more lost souls will be buried alive.

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 69
The BEat Beat Without
Did It Better
(Verse I)
My life’s like my music
Nothin’ but hard knocks
Hard heads in hard tops, wit’ heavy metal and hard rock
Known to drop yo’ rag top, convertible ya fitted
Undo ya do-rag, crack ya melon and split it
Yeah, I boo-boo on yo’ crew, dude
Disrespect yo’ localent
Respect’s another word fo’ fear, and I tell you that yo’s is valid
But you stupid as broke dudes, wit’ no common sense
Common cause: gettin’ money
But you still bummy, can’t pay no rent
When the trauma hits, you cats fake as campaign promises
Can’t wipe my ass wit’ ya word, ya heard?
You do like Obama did:
Disappoint
You short change, got two cents, but no dollars, kid
Or sick joints
Icicles, nothin’ but slick points
That leave a sucka shakin’, just like when the sig points
Take it from one wit’ an elbow
Who sell mo’ than Tickle-Me-Elmo in December
This rap’s a gift so I suggest you cats remember
I’m lyrically Christmas, and I rock like Eddie Vedder
So you ain’t done nothin’ I ain’t did
I just done did it better
(Verse II)
They gave me six years back...
That’s six years sooner, you cats’ll have to vacate from my
track
Retract the weak rhymes that was writt’ behind my back
Rejoicin’ at rumors of my demise
Surprised by the facts
My faction ain’t fiction, book stickin’s behind yo’ stacks
This is manslaughter on paper
Can you imagine it on wax?
Mess up yo’ game plan, can’t stand
Sharing crumbs, crumb snatcha snatchin’ the whole pie, man
From you sucka Simple Simons
Do like the stock market, and fudge up yo’ whole finance
I’m like them Sac Kings: Dope Royalty, I’m yo’ highness
Multiple tribulations, plus, seductive evils
Equal problems, protect my meth-a-metics wit’ an eagle
Enemies and victims is how I divide yo’ people
I’m all original, no Lil’ Skummy, no sequel
You copycats can’t Xerox, imitate or match this
Gangsta mack shhh
Lyrical coke on beats of cat piss
I can’t miss, rats who stuck like cactus, what!
While I perform, you practice
And yo’ weak beef gets ground up
You can’t hide, I’ll tear yo’ town up fo’ that cheddar
Get yo’ ass whipped wit’ a mixture of phonetics and letters
The drama’s forever
You chicken figgas’ll get plucked fo yo’ feathers
So talk shhh all you want
But I can vomit it better
The Beat Witout
Volume 17.01/02
Ray Sanchez Jr.
We welcome back one of our finest lyricist in Ray Sanchez Jr. He comes
live and direct this week with two stellar rhymes for you to chew on,
and counter if you wish. Ray has been a player for The Beat Within for
many years now. He is easily one of our favorite artist/teachers. Ray
speaks the truth from Pleasant Valley State Prison in Coalinga, CA
Wasted Words
They must change
They who would be constant in happiness or wisdom
The system is hittin’
Pickin’ up on patterns of mad hatters: bangin’ an’ pimpin’
Dealin’ and stealin’
Big wheelin’ wit’ tek nines and teflons
History is the lie that is commonly agreed upon
Voltaire
Rollin wit’ hoes wit’ fake nails and fake hair
When fake figgas got your back
It’s like they ain’t even there
We are what we say
So long as our words are iron
My words are fire
They burn in yo’ heart like your dark desires
And I’m the master of my destiny
The captain of my soul
Dan Brown’s Invictus is simply a picture of my goals
I could verbally abuse wit’ truths
And fuse,
Herbal metaphors, point ‘em at yo’ gourd
And knock out a friggin’ tooth
Anyone who thinks they know it all
Is just confirming they do not
David Icke said it first
But I say in a hearst, you will rot
And sooner than you think
Words of wisdom flow like water
But you refuse to take a drink
So I don’t know why I even bother
Why I attempt to educate, plot, lecture or plan
You’s a waste of time and a waste of breath
Beneath my person
Words wasted on the youth fall like hourglass sands
-Till you buried in due time
Or do time up in the prisons

The Beat Witout
TheBeatWithin.org
Page 70
The BEat Beat Without
Volume 17.01/02
Violated
The over bearing sadness and pain continuing to worry, so many
years for too long, the scared state that if I ever “told” anyone, no
one would behind me...
And no one listened. So sorry. I finally understand the great
pain, humiliation of bearing the hurtful truth and called a liar all of
which has destroyed my heart. Try and not to blame so called loved
ones and all that had knowledge, their courage failing them, that
they could not bear the truth of all the physical, mental, emotional
,and sexual abuse of this innocent boy. Discovering that you, just
as I have, been violated. Sexually raped as a boy is a horror too
great for many to adapt to, believe upon your heart, as mine, become
uncaring and numb.
Remember when you, as I finally got up the courage to face the
monster in my situation? The crack of the shattering silence as the
gun shook and bullets filled the air with blue gun powder smoke
filled my every breath.
In fact, the act was the hardest thing to do out of love...out
of fear...out of pain...out of frustration...this act, the hardest I even
done or will do and yet I promise you, such act of love...trying to tell
grown-ups about all the abuse especially all of the sex stuff that has
been happening since I was just a boy of six so it would not happen
to other boys...even that great moment of courage, will someway
someday be what you are most grateful for, and proud of, taking a
stand, even if it took me to prison.
One future day will the supreme moment of courage, be what is
most grateful for, as well proud of?!
Remember what I felt like to take a stand, to stand up for both
my beloved little brother and myself. As I could, we think of that
strong little boy, and weep that such privilege of being such a boy
of so much abuse first by so called love ones the physical, mental,
emotional, and sexual abuse for nine years, then by being placed in
another created hell called prison that strong little white boy who
took a great stand, to understand how it felt. I recall that most
times of that strong little boy, and cry much that I had the privilege
of taking a stand but lost myself in the process only to find a twisted
crazy kind of love, the privilege of knowing my blessed beloved little
brother better than anyone else...from the inside, out.
This poem/writing of truth is a gift to each and every boy such
as I, and I’m giving it to you because it is has been one of my most
real painful hellish painful treasured possessions. These real events
of my childhood experience so bold and practical. You can hold this
story, re-read it on aand on, and refer to it whenever you start to feel
violated, small, or soiled by another person’s poor choices.
Further, please be assure, it is a little better today. This world
has changed. With a greater awareness of childhood sexual abuse
and what children are facing in the darkness. As well, there are
people who are willing, and prepared, to help...to answer your call
for help! My name is Eryk Michael Coughlin-Montes, and this is end
of my sad childhood story.
Thanks.
You can hold this
story, re-read it on aand
on, and refer to it
vwhenever you start to
feel violated, small,
or soiled by
another person’s poor
choices.
Eryk Michael Coughlin
What can we say about this next writer. We truly feel his pain. We
appreciate Eryk Michael Coughlin for reaching out and sharing his
story with us readers. We wish we could offer more, but we are glad
we can give him this venue to share his truths. We do hope Eryk is in
a better place, today, working on himself, (hopefully with professional
support too). We can only imagine the challenges he must face, while
living in prison, and carrying the pain that he shares in the following
pieces. Eryk writes us from the Franklin Correctinal Facility in Malone,
New York.
My Rejection
Life is not all rainbows and sunshine, it’s a cold, hard, hurtful,
unforgiving living nightmare of day to day screwed-up existence that
leaves a little taste in your mouth, that continually beats you down
to your knees and yet what makes me strong is not how hard I get
hit or how many times that it bring me to my knees but how much I
can take, how much endurance have I to continue to receiving such
pain yet getting back up moving forward with yet another piece of
me left behind! All my dreams are a living childhood horror filled by
re-living every damn second, every ounce of pain of being sexually
abused.
For nine freaking years I have been so abused repeatedly -
sexually abused, yet now the crazed animal is locked in a cell for
my rightful actions...
What can you say to easy my pain? What can you do to
overcome pain? My hell and frustration consumes me - I’m lost to
all and myself.
This poem is lacking much, yet dear Beat I understand and
respect all you do, yet my tears are of blood and my vision is filled
with sorrow. Hope is a false lie of dreams, life is here and now. so
I’ll continue life on the razors edge...I hate my life!

TheBeatWithin.org
Page 71
The BEat Beat Without
Dear Beat Within
I have previously wrote and you put several of my poems in your
magazine and for this I am truly grateful. I am now sending some
more poems but also a writing of some deep thoughts I had and put
on paper that might be helpful to some of your readers.
Thank you so much for your time and kindness.
Your friend.
The Meaning Of Life
Life can seem truly meaningless. No matter how good of a person
you are Or how many good deeds you do, you are only remembered
for your mistakes.
Honestly, does it matter what other people think of you? When
they die and everyone that knew you are dead, so are you and any
trace that you ever existed?
Being a good person makes ourselves feel good, but in truth,
being bad can bring us equivalent happiness.
Everything you hold dear and cherish can be ripped from us in
the drop of a dime. What is sadness except “want.” Wanting either
something we never had or something we once had and no longer
do, and the dislike of circumstances which we can’t control or that
we could but did so wrongly.
People in general are evil, self-seeking, lying, wretched beast.
In my opinion, if God has ever made a mistake it surely is the
human. Life is nothing more than a series of choices and we as
humans are guaranteed to make a few wrong ones.
Sometimes life brings us joy, like the smile of your child or the
love of your mother, but in general, life is cruel. Everyday is a test
filled with choices and the ones we make will determine whether
people will consider us good or bad, but just because people might
consider something bad or evil, does it really mean it is? Or is it
only important that we draw pleasure such as joy and that is how a
man will be judged “by what he takes pleasure in.”
Who’s to say what is right or wrong for one man and maybe
what’s wrong for one man isn’t wrong for another. All men die and
only a few really live. I hope I can live before I die.
Who’s to say what
is right or
wrong for one
man and maybe
what’s wrong for
one man isn’t
wrong for
another.
The Beat Witout
Volume 17.01/02
Robert Buetow
We are honored to have back the writings and thoughts of Robert
Buetow. Robert sends his latest submissions from the adult correctional
facility, NCC, which is located in Burkeville, Virginia. We do not know
a lot about Robert, but what he so kindly shares speaks to us, and we
are sure to you too. We are so grateful to showcase the heart and soul
of Robert Buetow, We hope to hear more from our friend in 2012.
Undeserved Forgiveness
(Dedicated to Samantha L Buetow)
As I sit on a bunk made of steal
I wonder is all this pain I feel real?
I’ve lost everything and everyone that mattered
I sit in the dark, I’m cold and my heart is shattered.
I was the richest man on the face of this earth
I was blessed from God, on the day of her birth.
Her eyes are green and hair light brown,
the greatest smile that could ever be found.
But she too sits in the dark, cold and sad
because she lost her mentor, her hero, her dad.
Such destruction was left in the path I chose.
Can it all be mended? Only God knows
So I’m praying for a divine reconciliation
As I sit on this bunk wrapped in humiliation
I search for undeserved forgiveness
I know I don’t have the right to ask this
One more chance to be your father
I long for the day I can hug my daughter
Your are the greatest gift I ever had
With all my love, your dad.

As I sit on this bunk wrapped in humiliation
I search for undeserved forgiveness
I know I don’t have the right to ask this
One more chance to be your father
I long for the day I can hug my daughter
Your are the greatest gift I ever had
With all my love, your dad.
read the rest of Robert Buetow’s BWO piece on page 71