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true life My coming out story by Lee, 28, Kent @hotdesigner I have always known deep down that I wasn’t straight, but I always thought I could just suppress the feelings I was experiencing. As a child I didn’t really understand the feelings and I didn’t know why I was the way I was. Being a kid though it’s easy to hide, as boys think girls are disgusting - that is until puberty hits and then it’s all about girls. My teen years were awkward. I was overweight, I had a bowl cut and I was subjected to braces... WITH HEADGEAR at night time. In no way shape or form was I a looker. My confidence was non-existent and I was bullied. I grew up in four different pubs so my teen years were a very public affair. Customers would mock me for being shy or tubby but as I got older, they would make little snide comments that alluded to my sexuality. I tried dating girls once or twice but nothing really came of it. It didn’t feel right and I was getting frustrated as I began to think there was something seriously wrong with me. At the age of 15 I was fed up of being fat so I decided to do something about it. However, instead of dieting (it never worked for me) I decided to just starve myself. It was effective; I dropped from 15 stone to 10 in a matter of months. Now I don’t condone what I did and I would totally go about it differently if I had to go through it again, but it worked for me. It gave me a new lease of confidence. I started working behind the bar at 16 (collecting glasses) and that lifted my spirits. I became more talkative and open with people. I would flirt a little with the men and women as it does come with the job. There were still people who made fun of me and I tried to ignore it. They would make homophobic comments near me. It hurt. They didn’t truly know me and they had known me since I was 12. Why were they being this way? They were old enough to know better as they were all in their 40s. The more comments I heard, the more scared I became. At the age of 18, I lost my virginity to one of our barmaids. It was fun but 24| “I wanted to go to a gay bar but my problem was I didn’t know any gay people and there was no way I would ever go on my own. I had no one to talk to. I was trapped, or so I thought.”
it didn’t feel right. The girl later told me she always knew I was gay but she wanted to “pop my cherry” to give me a confidence boost. We are still good friends now and we laugh about it. By the age of 20, I was having serious conflicting feelings which bugged me on a daily basis. I needed to explore this side of me that I had hidden for so long. It felt like I was constantly fighting my true self. I began looking on the internet at explicit videos of men as I was having urges. As crude as it may sound but I was a young lad; who doesn’t have those feelings? I wanted to go to a gay bar but my problem was I didn’t know any gay people and there was no way I would ever go on my own. I had no one to talk to. I was trapped, or so I thought. I stumbled upon a website called Gaydar. It didn’t take long to sign up and soon I was getting messages. This new world was fascinating to me. I was getting attention from men and I liked it. One guy from Essex called Ray began to chat to me one day. He was 33 and he seemed nice. I was still really nervous about what I was doing and I made it clear that I was just looking for friends as I was still trying to get my head around everything. Days, weeks passed and Ray started to make innuendo about what he wanted to do. It was a bit much for me so I politely told him that I was not ready for that. He seemed to be quite understanding of the whole thing, although every now and then he would get a bit carried away with his comments which would make me uncomfortable. In my eyes he was too old for me. I’ve always been attracted to people my own age. He was a very clever guy when I think back on the situation. I was young and naïve and he managed to get small details out of me like the area where I lived. He knew I lived in a pub as we would talk about all manner of things. I was aware of the dangers of chatting online but at 20 I didn’t think it really applied to me. He became quite intense. No one knew we were chatting so the last thing I wanted was someone I had never physically met ringing up the pub. This was when alarm bells first started to ring. He knew my number! What if he actually came to the pub? He started to ring the pub when I didn’t respond to his messages straight away. Things felt like they were unravelling. He made it clear that he wanted more from me and he wanted to meet. I would say yes but never give a date or just give an excuse as to why I couldn’t. It all came to a head one day when I was overwhelmed by everything. I didn’t want to chat any more as he was making me feel uncomfortable. I snapped. I told him I couldn’t chat any more, that he never gave me five minutes peace, that I wasn’t interested in anything more than chat. He got very angry and started to threaten me. He said that I had humiliated him, that I had ruined his life. He told me that he was going to ruin my life. One day whilst I was restocking the shelves in the bar before the pub opened, my mum came over to me and asked to have a word with me in the kitchen. She proceeded to open a letter and show it to me. It was my Gaydar profile! Ray had posted it to my parents, effectively outing me. Inside I was mortified, scared and very upset but I kept myself together in front of my mum. She asked what Gaydar was. I tried to shrug it off and say it was a prank but she clearly wasn’t buying it. The back of the letter had a message from Ray, proclaiming that I was a dirty little boy who was putting himself all over the internet looking for sex. He hoped that my parents were proud of having such a vile son. It hurt to know that someone could be so cruel. I had never met the guy, yet he felt that it was his right to do what he did. I went upstairs with my mum where we both cried to each other about what had happened. She was disappointed that I couldn’t say anything to her but she was also angry that someone would do such a thing to me. The next thing she said terrified me. “You’re going to have to tell your father.” I really didn’t want to tell him as I was scared what his reaction would be. But I heard him coming up the stairs as he had been out running errands. Mum shouted out for him to come into their bedroom and told me to tell Dad the news. This would probably be the most awkward and mortifying moment in my life. All his response though was “Oh.” The months went by and my parents became more welcoming to the idea of my sexuality. Occasionally I would get emails from Ray apologising then threatening me. I replied once or twice but just pointed out that he was welcome to come to the pub but to be prepared for a confrontation with my parents. Despite what this person did to me, “My mum came over to me and asked to have a word with me in the kitchen. She proceeded to open a letter and show it to me. It was my Gaydar profile!” in a way he did me a favour. I would have eventually come out on my own but at least I know that my parents love me no matter what. My mum is very protective of me. She hates homophobia and will say exactly what she thinks if she hears a bad word said about gay people. My mum has told me how proud she is for how strong I have been and how I am my own person. She still hates Ray for what he did but she told me I am her son and that she loves me more than anything in this world. I would still have liked the option to come out on my own and I feel like I was robbed, but once people knew, it gave me a new strength in myself. I began to stand up for myself against the homophobes in the pub. My mum even threatened to have them removed permanently if she ever heard another word against me. In the seven years since I first came out I have gradually grown confident within my own skin. I have a loving family that surrounds me, who accept every aspect of my life. Knowing that I can be myself is a huge weight off my shoulders. I have learnt to never give someone the power to make me feel insignificant or small. Those who seek to destroy us are only doing so because of their own insecurities. There was a long period of time when I hated Ray for what he had done but now I just look back at it as one of life's valuable lessons. Your sexuality shouldn't define who you are; it is merely a part of you. Sadly for many of us, taking the step to come out either forcibly or by choice is not an easy one. It should be easy though. It doesn't change who we are. Thinking about it, I wish I had more control over the situation and I had realised sooner that my family loved me no matter what my sexual preference. l Read Lee’s story in full at www.rucomingout.com/lee2. l The rucomingout project hopes to become a valuable resource for those who are living their lives, either completely or partially, in the closet. For more information or to read more stories visit, www.rucomingout.com. www.gmfa.org.uk |25
Page 1 and 2: THe fiT and sexy gay mag issUe #133
Page 3 and 4: HELLO Editor’s letter “OMG, you
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