Three Stages of Disbelief Julian Savulescu I used to be a believer, a ...

My final phase of disbelief came only relatively recently. I continued to want
to believe, wanting the protection of a father and the certainty and determinate
direction of religion. But slowly I accepted the burden of atheism. I remember once,
looking at the ceiling, wishing God or some Impartial Observer existed so I could
simply ask Him what I should do in one dilemma in my life. To ask him who was
right. But there was no one there. I spoke to great philosophers, psychiatrists,
psychologists, and other people with wisdom and experience. I received sensible,
reasoned lines of advice which conflicted. I came to accept that there is no one who
will alleviate the burden of moral choice. And in the end, we will die alone. We must
make these choices ourselves, and bear the responsibility of them.
It is difficult to be a good atheist. Because it is difficult to be a good man. And
it is difficult to confront ambiguity, uncertainty and the unavoidable losses of human
life and choice, without clutching at false truths.
Would I have changed what I have done, the choices I have made, if I had
believed in God? If God exists, He will judge what we have done. It is vaguely
reassuring to know that when people disapprove of what we do, God would know our
real reasons. I am prepared to account for what I have done.
I have hurt many people but I have tried to do what I should do. There are
many things I would have done differently but, at the time, they seemed right. I hope I
will not make the same mistakes, but fallibility is a part of the human condition.
Would God reward Bush for invading Iraq, or those who stop the use of
contraception in poor, undeveloped, overpopulated parts of the world or the use of
condoms to prevent the spread of AIDS, or terrorists who kill in His name? I find it
incredible that He would reward the deliberate, foreseeable, avoidable infliction of
misery even in His name. More incredible than His existence.