10/10 5 CEDRIC: Get in! BISHOP: (to audience) I’m shown into <strong>the</strong> largest room I’ve ever seen. I mean, a fireplace eight feet wide and a staircase that must had had a hundred steps in it. I’m not used to dealing with nobility. Servants, grand ballrooms, pheasant hunting on <strong>the</strong> hearth, fifty-year-old brandy over billiards, breakfast in bed … shit, what a life! CEDRIC: Madam is in <strong>the</strong> study. Get in! BISHOP: The study. Books, books … more books than I’ll ever read. Persian rug. Tiger’s head over <strong>the</strong> mantle. African spears in <strong>the</strong> corner. “Rule Britannia, Britannia rules <strong>the</strong>…” I stood at <strong>the</strong> door. I was on edge. Out <strong>of</strong> my element. Lady St. Helier was sitting at this little writing desk, writing. LADY ST. HELIER: Very punctual, Bishop. Please sit down. BISHOP: I sat in this chair that was all carved lions. One <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> lions stuck in my back. CEDRIC: Would our visitor from Canada care for tea, madam? LADY ST. HELIER: Would you care for something to drink, Bishop? BISHOP: Tea? Ahhh, yeah … Tea would be fine. LADY ST. HELIER: A tea for Bishop, Cedric. And I’ll have a gin. CEDRIC: Lemon? BISHOP: (disappointed) Gin! I wonder if I could change … No, no. Tea will be fine. BANANA BOYS by Leon Aureus MALE <strong>–</strong> COMEDY SHEL (Shel anxiously awaits contact from a girl for whom he has fallen. When <strong>the</strong> monologue begins, he is staring at his cell phone.) Okay, cell phone, me and you need to talk. We’ve been through a lot toge<strong>the</strong>r. The last 6 months here have been… marginal. I’ve given your number to a few people, and so far, no one calls you but The Boys back home. This sucks for both <strong>of</strong> us. I mean, we came to Ottawa to find someone. To end The Quest. Twenty-four years old, and I still hadn’t had a serious girlfriend. Or any sort <strong>of</strong> girlfriend. I almost had you disconnected. (pause) Don’t look at me like that, I didn’t go through with it. And do you know why? Because <strong>the</strong> day we stopped looking… was <strong>the</strong> day we met Her. I went twenty minutes out <strong>of</strong> my way, in minus-thirty-degree wea<strong>the</strong>r, to walk Her home, breaking <strong>the</strong> ice in front <strong>of</strong> Her with my CSA approved boots so She wouldn’t slip and fall. She’s wonderful. (He beams.) I have Her your number, and She said She’d call. So… cell phone, if ever you were going to ring, if ever you were going to make that special connection… let it be now. You’re fully charged. We’re sitting in <strong>the</strong> bathtub where you get <strong>the</strong> best reception. So… ring. (It doesn’t ring.) C’mon. Please? (nothing) She’s really special. She’s got <strong>the</strong>se beautiful eyes, and really great hair, and… I’m prattling, but… <strong>the</strong> way She <strong>–</strong> The phone rings. SHEL is startled, <strong>the</strong>n fumbles <strong>the</strong> phone and picks it up. Hello? (pause) Kathy! Hi! (pause) No, I’m not busy, just… waiting… for you. (pause) Oh man, that sounds lame, doesn’t it? I didn’t… uh… (pause) Really? Well, I think you’re sweet too… ZASTROZZI by George F. Walker MALE <strong>–</strong> COMEDY ZASTROZZI (In this speech, Zastrozzi describes his power and his master plan to destroy his foe: <strong>the</strong> new middle class with its shiny new liberal education and its fancy for art.) I am Zastrozzi. The master criminal <strong>of</strong> all Europe. This is not a boast. It is information. I am to be feared for countless reasons. The obvious ones <strong>of</strong> strength and skill with any weapon. The less obvious ones because <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> quality <strong>of</strong> my mind. It is superb. It works in unique ways. And it is always working because I do not sleep. I do not sleep because if I do I have nightmares and when you have a mind like mine you have nightmares that could petrify <strong>the</strong> devil. Sometimes because my mind is so powerful I even have nightmares when I am awake and because my mind is so powerful I am able to split my consciousness in two and observe myself having my nightmare. This is not a trick. It is a phenomenon. I am having one now. I have this one <strong>of</strong>ten. In it, I am what I am. The force <strong>of</strong> darkness. The clear sane voice <strong>of</strong> negative spirituality. Making everyone answerable to <strong>the</strong> only constant truth I understand. Mankind is weak. The world is ugly. The only way to save <strong>the</strong>m from each o<strong>the</strong>r is to destroy <strong>the</strong>m both. In this nightmare I am accomplishing this with great efficiency. I am destroying cities. I am destroying countries. I am disturbing social patterns and upsetting established cultures. I am causing people such unspeakable misery that many <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>m are actually saving me <strong>the</strong> trouble by doing away with <strong>the</strong>mselves. And even better I am actually making <strong>the</strong>m understand that this is in fact <strong>the</strong> way things should proceed. I am at <strong>the</strong> height <strong>of</strong> my power. I am lucid, calm, organized and energetic. Then it
6 happens. A group <strong>of</strong> people come out <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> darkness with sickly smiles on <strong>the</strong>ir faces. They walk up to me and tell me <strong>the</strong>y have discovered my weakness, a flaw in my power and that I am finished as a force to be reckoned with. Then one <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>m reaches out and tickles me affectionately under my chin. I am furious. I pick him up and crack his spine on my knee. Then throw him to <strong>the</strong> ground. He dies immediately. And after he dies he turns his head to me and says, “Misery loves chaos. And chaos loves company.” I look at him and even though I know that <strong>the</strong> dead cannot speak let alone make sense I feel my brain turn to burning ashes and all my control run out <strong>of</strong> my body like mud and I scream at him like a maniac, (Whispers) “What does that mean?” 10/10
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