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extremely sophisticated twenty-five-year-old British socialite stuck <strong>in</strong>side a sixteen-year-old body <strong>in</strong> Indianapolis. Everyone accepted it.<br />
“I’m good. How are you?”<br />
“I don’t even know anymore. Is that diet?” I nodded and handed it to her. She sipped through <strong>the</strong> straw. “I do wish you were at school<br />
<strong>the</strong>se days. Some of <strong>the</strong> boys have become downright edible.”<br />
“Oh, yeah? Like who?” I asked. She proceeded to name five guys we’d attended elementary and middle school with, but I couldn’t picture<br />
any of <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
“I’ve been dat<strong>in</strong>g Derek Well<strong>in</strong>gton for a bit,” she said, “but I don’t th<strong>in</strong>k it will last. He’s such a boy. But enough about me. What is new<br />
<strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> Hazelverse?”<br />
“Noth<strong>in</strong>g, really,” I said.<br />
“Health is good?”<br />
“The same, I guess?”<br />
“Phalanxifor!” she enthused, smil<strong>in</strong>g. “So you could just live forever, right?”<br />
“Probably not forever,” I said.<br />
“But basically,” she said. “What else is new?”<br />
I thought of tell<strong>in</strong>g her that I was see<strong>in</strong>g a boy, too, or at least that I’d watched a movie with one, just because I knew it would surprise<br />
and amaze her that anyone as disheveled and awkward and stunted as me could even briefly w<strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> affections of a boy. But I didn’t really<br />
have much to brag about, so I just shrugged.<br />
“What <strong>in</strong> heaven is that?” asked Kaitlyn, gestur<strong>in</strong>g to <strong>the</strong> book.<br />
“Oh, it’s sci-fi. I’ve gotten k<strong>in</strong>da <strong>in</strong>to it. It’s a series.”<br />
“I am alarmed. Shall we shop?”<br />
We went to this shoe store. As we were shopp<strong>in</strong>g, Kaitlyn kept pick<strong>in</strong>g out all <strong>the</strong>se open-toed flats for me and say<strong>in</strong>g, “These would look cute<br />
on you,” which rem<strong>in</strong>ded me that Kaitlyn never wore open-toed shoes on account of how she hated her feet because she felt her second toes<br />
were too long, as if <strong>the</strong> second toe was a w<strong>in</strong>dow <strong>in</strong>to <strong>the</strong> soul or someth<strong>in</strong>g. So when I po<strong>in</strong>ted out a pair of sandals that would suit her sk<strong>in</strong><br />
tone, she was like, “Yeah, but . . .” <strong>the</strong> but be<strong>in</strong>g but <strong>the</strong>y will expose my hideous second toes to <strong>the</strong> public, and I said, “Kaitlyn, you’re <strong>the</strong><br />
only person I’ve ever known to have toe-specific dysmorphia,” and she said, “What is that?”<br />
“You know, like when you look <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> mirror and <strong>the</strong> th<strong>in</strong>g you see is not <strong>the</strong> th<strong>in</strong>g as it really is.”<br />
“Oh. Oh,” she said. “Do you like <strong>the</strong>se?” She held up a pair of cute but unspectacular Mary Janes, and I nodded, and she found her size<br />
and tried <strong>the</strong>m on, pac<strong>in</strong>g up and down <strong>the</strong> aisle, watch<strong>in</strong>g her feet <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> knee-high angled mirrors. Then she grabbed a pair of strappy<br />
hooker shoes and said, “Is it even possible to walk <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong>se? I mean, I would just die—” and <strong>the</strong>n stopped short, look<strong>in</strong>g at me as if to say I’m<br />
sorry, as if it were a crime to mention death to <strong>the</strong> dy<strong>in</strong>g. “You should try <strong>the</strong>m on,” Kaitlyn cont<strong>in</strong>ued, try<strong>in</strong>g to paper over <strong>the</strong> awkwardness.<br />
“I’d sooner die,” I assured her.<br />
I ended up just pick<strong>in</strong>g out some flip-flops so that I could have someth<strong>in</strong>g to buy, and <strong>the</strong>n I sat down on one of <strong>the</strong> benches opposite a<br />
bank of shoes and watched Kaitlyn snake her way through <strong>the</strong> aisles, shopp<strong>in</strong>g with <strong>the</strong> k<strong>in</strong>d of <strong>in</strong>tensity and focus that one usually associates<br />
with professional chess. I k<strong>in</strong>d of wanted to take out Midnight Dawns and read for a while, but I knew that’d be rude, so I just watched<br />
Kaitlyn. Occasionally she’d circle back to me clutch<strong>in</strong>g some closed-toe prey and say, “This?” and I would try to make an <strong>in</strong>telligent comment<br />
about <strong>the</strong> shoe, and <strong>the</strong>n f<strong>in</strong>ally she bought three pairs and I bought my flip-flops and <strong>the</strong>n as we exited she said, “Anthropologie?”<br />
“I should head home actually,” I said. “I’m k<strong>in</strong>da tired.”<br />
“Sure, of c<strong>our</strong>se,” she said. “I have to see you more often, darl<strong>in</strong>g.” She placed her hands on my shoulders, kissed me on both cheeks,<br />
and marched off, her narrow hips swish<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
I didn’t go home, though. I’d told Mom to pick me up at six, and while I figured she was ei<strong>the</strong>r <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> mall or <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> park<strong>in</strong>g lot, I still<br />
wanted <strong>the</strong> next two h<strong>our</strong>s to myself.<br />
I liked my mom, but her perpetual nearness sometimes made me feel weirdly nervous. And I liked Kaitlyn, too. I really did. But three<br />
years removed from proper full-time schoolic exposure to my peers, I felt a certa<strong>in</strong> unbridgeable distance between us. I th<strong>in</strong>k my school<br />
friends wanted to help me through my cancer, but <strong>the</strong>y eventually found out that <strong>the</strong>y couldn’t. For one th<strong>in</strong>g, <strong>the</strong>re was no through.<br />
So I excused myself on <strong>the</strong> grounds of pa<strong>in</strong> and fatigue, as I often had over <strong>the</strong> years when see<strong>in</strong>g Kaitlyn or any of my o<strong>the</strong>r friends. In<br />
truth, it always hurt. It always hurt not to brea<strong>the</strong> like a normal person, <strong>in</strong>cessantly rem<strong>in</strong>d<strong>in</strong>g y<strong>our</strong> lungs to be lungs, forc<strong>in</strong>g y<strong>our</strong>self to<br />
accept as unsolvable <strong>the</strong> claw<strong>in</strong>g scrap<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong>side-out ache of underoxygenation. So I wasn’t ly<strong>in</strong>g, exactly. I was just choos<strong>in</strong>g among truths.<br />
I found a bench surrounded by an Irish Gifts store, <strong>the</strong> Founta<strong>in</strong> Pen Emporium, and a baseball-cap outlet—a corner of <strong>the</strong> mall even<br />
Kaitlyn would never shop, and started read<strong>in</strong>g Midnight Dawns.<br />
It featured a sentence-to-corpse ratio of nearly 1:1, and I tore through it without ever look<strong>in</strong>g up. I liked Staff Sergeant Max Mayhem,<br />
even though he didn’t have much <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> way of a technical personality, but mostly I liked that his adventures kept happen<strong>in</strong>g. There were<br />
always more bad guys to kill and more good guys to save. New wars started even before <strong>the</strong> old ones were won. I hadn’t read a real series<br />
like that s<strong>in</strong>ce I was a kid, and it was excit<strong>in</strong>g to live aga<strong>in</strong> <strong>in</strong> an <strong>in</strong>f<strong>in</strong>ite fiction.<br />
Twenty pages from <strong>the</strong> end of Midnight Dawns, th<strong>in</strong>gs started to look pretty bleak for Mayhem when he was shot seventeen times while<br />
attempt<strong>in</strong>g to rescue a (blond, American) hostage from <strong>the</strong> Enemy. But as a reader, I did not despair. The war effort would go on without<br />
him. There could—and would—be sequels starr<strong>in</strong>g his cohorts: Specialist Manny Loco and Private Jasper Jacks and <strong>the</strong> rest.<br />
I was just about to <strong>the</strong> end when this little girl with barretted braids appeared <strong>in</strong> front of me and said, “What’s <strong>in</strong> y<strong>our</strong> nose?”<br />
And I said, “Um, it’s called a cannula. These tubes give me oxygen and help me brea<strong>the</strong>.” Her mo<strong>the</strong>r swooped <strong>in</strong> and said, “Jackie,”<br />
disapprov<strong>in</strong>gly, but I said, “No no, it’s okay,” because it totally was, and <strong>the</strong>n Jackie asked, “Would <strong>the</strong>y help me brea<strong>the</strong>, too?”<br />
“I dunno. Let’s try.” I took it off and let Jackie stick <strong>the</strong> cannula <strong>in</strong> her nose and brea<strong>the</strong>. “Tickles,” she said.<br />
“I know, right?”<br />
“I th<strong>in</strong>k I’m breath<strong>in</strong>g better,” she said.<br />
“Yeah?”<br />
“Yeah.”<br />
“Well,” I said, “I wish I could give you my cannula but I k<strong>in</strong>d of really need <strong>the</strong> help.” I already felt <strong>the</strong> loss. I focused on my breath<strong>in</strong>g as<br />
Jackie handed <strong>the</strong> tubes back to me. I gave <strong>the</strong>m a quick swipe with my T-shirt, laced <strong>the</strong> tubes beh<strong>in</strong>d my ears, and put <strong>the</strong> nubb<strong>in</strong>s back <strong>in</strong><br />
place.<br />
“Thanks for lett<strong>in</strong>g me try it,” she said.