Northwest Jewish Family 2012-13 - The Jewish Transcript

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When a parent is diagnosed with illness
By Melissa Benaroya
Being the parent of a 5- and
7-year-old, I am shocked at the
number of families we know that
have a parent with a life-threatening
illness. When I was growing
up, I don’t remember hearing of
friends or classmates who had to
handle these types of family challenges
or stresses.
This year alone, at my children’s
school, three mothers in
one grade level received breast
cancer diagnoses. I know this is
not a statistic per se, but the sheer
fact that it is now so “common”
is harrowing. One of the most
frequent questions I get when a
diagnosis has been made is, “What
can I do as a parent to help and
support my child now that my
partner is sick?”
There is no simple answer to
this question, but there are things
you can do to help support your
child to stay healthy, secure and
grounded. And no matter what you
Martti Salmela/iStockphoto
do or say, you will have to plan for
the unexpected. Sometimes there
needs to be a plan A, B, C and D!
Maintaining routines, asking for
help, and honest communication
are just three strategies for sustaining
a family dealing with a serious
or life-threatening illness.
Maintain routines and
schedules: Initially after a
diagnosis is made, some form of
chaos usually follows. This can be
part of the process — disruptions
in the family schedule are inevitable.
But it can be extremely helpful
for children to return to routines
that include sleep schedules, meal
times, and activities because it reestablishes
that sense of stability
and security.
You can start by writing out a
daily schedule for young children
or a weekly calendar for older
children. Having a schedule
written out will also help those
supporting you during this time,
such as friends, family and paid
childcare providers, to maintain
routines when you cannot be the
one to carry them out.
In creating your list or calendar,
think beyond the places your
children need to be and also
include some of the rituals you
maintain in your family such as
Shabbat dinners, movie nights,
or yearly trips. Be sure to
include these when thinking
about your schedules as well,
because they help to create a
feeling of normalcy.
Northwest Jewish Family 2012–2013
Ask for help: We live in a culture
that values independence and
self-sufficiency, even if it becomes
detrimental to our well-being.
Because of these cultural values,
it may be even more challenging
for us to turn to friends, co-workers,
school personnel, or even
acquaintances to help in managing
our children’s lives.
The reality is you probably will
not have the time and energy to
manage and control the minutiae
of your child’s day. Those around
you really do want to contribute
and show their love for you and
your family. Sometimes it requires
a re-framing or shifting of the lens
to see that by allowing others to
help and give, you can be giving
a gift, too. The joy you provide
others in receiving is equally as
valuable as the help they are
offering. Additionally, by asking or
accepting help, you are modeling
this behavior for your children,
which communicates to them
that they don’t have to manage
their thoughts and feelings all on
their own.
Be honest and keep communication
open. Talking about the
illness and sharing some of the
basic facts are very important
when communicating with
children. There is nothing worse
or more anxiety-provoking for
children than to learn about the
truth of their parent’s illness by
overhearing it indirectly or from
someone else.