Northwest Jewish Family 2012-13 - The Jewish Transcript

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6 When a parent is diagnosed with illness By Melissa Benaroya Being the parent of a 5- and 7-year-old, I am shocked at the number of families we know that have a parent with a life-threatening illness. When I was growing up, I don’t remember hearing of friends or classmates who had to handle these types of family challenges or stresses. This year alone, at my children’s school, three mothers in one grade level received breast cancer diagnoses. I know this is not a statistic per se, but the sheer fact that it is now so “common” is harrowing. One of the most frequent questions I get when a diagnosis has been made is, “What can I do as a parent to help and support my child now that my partner is sick?” There is no simple answer to this question, but there are things you can do to help support your child to stay healthy, secure and grounded. And no matter what you Martti Salmela/iStockphoto do or say, you will have to plan for the unexpected. Sometimes there needs to be a plan A, B, C and D! Maintaining routines, asking for help, and honest communication are just three strategies for sustaining a family dealing with a serious or life-threatening illness. Maintain routines and schedules: Initially after a diagnosis is made, some form of chaos usually follows. This can be part of the process — disruptions in the family schedule are inevitable. But it can be extremely helpful for children to return to routines that include sleep schedules, meal times, and activities because it reestablishes that sense of stability and security. You can start by writing out a daily schedule for young children or a weekly calendar for older children. Having a schedule written out will also help those supporting you during this time, such as friends, family and paid childcare providers, to maintain routines when you cannot be the one to carry them out. In creating your list or calendar, think beyond the places your children need to be and also include some of the rituals you maintain in your family such as Shabbat dinners, movie nights, or yearly trips. Be sure to include these when thinking about your schedules as well, because they help to create a feeling of normalcy. Northwest Jewish Family 2012–2013 Ask for help: We live in a culture that values independence and self-sufficiency, even if it becomes detrimental to our well-being. Because of these cultural values, it may be even more challenging for us to turn to friends, co-workers, school personnel, or even acquaintances to help in managing our children’s lives. The reality is you probably will not have the time and energy to manage and control the minutiae of your child’s day. Those around you really do want to contribute and show their love for you and your family. Sometimes it requires a re-framing or shifting of the lens to see that by allowing others to help and give, you can be giving a gift, too. The joy you provide others in receiving is equally as valuable as the help they are offering. Additionally, by asking or accepting help, you are modeling this behavior for your children, which communicates to them that they don’t have to manage their thoughts and feelings all on their own. Be honest and keep communication open. Talking about the illness and sharing some of the basic facts are very important when communicating with children. There is nothing worse or more anxiety-provoking for children than to learn about the truth of their parent’s illness by overhearing it indirectly or from someone else.
If there is uncertainty or lack of a clear path to treatment or outcomes, it may be helpful to slowly introduce the illness by discussing the first steps that will be taken, such as “Daddy is going in for an important surgery.” And unless the outcome is clearly grim, it is important to convey a confidence in the process — to even begin treatment one needs to mobilize all the confidence he can. Finding the right time to talk with your child would be the first step. Being mindful of when your child is most open to this type of This Could Be You Stone Gardens 3x5 Revised Flipped.pdf 1 4/26/12 9:54 AM This Could Be You Learn the skills to start climbing on your own in our Climbing 101 class CLIMBING 101 FOR BEGINNERS Classes offered 5 times per week $55 per 2 ½ hour class Includes two-week gym membership SEATTLE 206-781-9828 · BELLEVUE 425-644-2445 WWW.STONEGARDENS.COM dialogue can be helpful. For young children, bedtime can be one of these moments, while talking in the car or during activities might be more comfortable for older children. The key is to be honest about the facts and your feelings. Even though it may feel counterintuitive, it can be helpful to show your own emotions. Doing so will help validate some of your children’s own feelings. You can reassure them that you are there to support them and understand their experiences and emotions. There is no right or wrong way to handle these tough moments Photo © JKUsui 2012 in our family lives. Every family and every child has different needs. These three suggestions can be a starting point in helping to preserve a sense of well-being in your home. Just as all practices in parenting, there is absolutely no “right way.” There is no place Lee Hickok, MD ● Julie Lamb, MD Lorna Marshall, MD ● Lora Shahine, MD creating a positive experience A full line of fertility services Personal, individualized care Exceptional success rates Free Fertility 101 Seminars Free 30-Minute Phone Consults Donor Egg Bank Northwest Jewish Family 2012–2013 for guilt, either — guilt does not benefit you or your children. The key is to stay connected and communicate, maintain normalcy through rituals and routines, and accept the love your family and community wish to show you. Melissa Benaroya, MSW, LICSW is a Certified Gottman Educator and Positive Discipline facilitator. Melissa recently co-authored the book “The Childproof Parent” and is the co-owner of Grow Parenting (www.GrowParenting.com). She also co-created and founded the award winning Mommy Matters workshop (www.MommyMattersSeattle.com). Melissa offers private family coaching and consulting services. She lives in Seattle with her husband and two children. 7 206-515-0000 www.pnwfertility.com
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Page 3 and 4: Welcome to Northwest Jewish Family!
Page 5: On the second day of Rosh Hashanah,
Page 9 and 10: A Sweet Testing Tip from Judaism: T
Page 11 and 12: Library! When you sign up for PJ Li
Page 13 and 14: Seattle Hebrew Academy 1617 Interla
Page 15 and 16: Volunteering at the Jewish Federati
Page 17 and 18: Why choose Menachem Mendel Seattle
Page 19 and 20: President: Larry Russak Program Dir
Page 21 and 22: Connect with your heritage. This is
Page 23 and 24: East King County/Mercer island Alex
Page 25 and 26: community network for members throu
Page 27 and 28: from 12:30-3:30 p.m. Two-year-olds
Page 29 and 30: Stroum JCC Parenting Centers 3801 E
Page 31 and 32: The Chabad Jewish Center aids, enco
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Page 35 and 36: Sukkot, and Hanukkah. The children
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