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LOs angELEs<br />
tinseltown tease: “tone it uP”<br />
by Jessica | 4/24/09 | shady sadie tpburl.com/742xsp<br />
Here’s a little story I’ve been wanting to share with you for some time. Not-so-little known<br />
fact: this Jew is an on-again off-again exotic dancer, and when times get tough, the tough get<br />
the girls out. And the times, friends, have indeed been tough.<br />
We’re through the rough patch, but earlier this spring, I found myself assed-out and with<br />
nowhere to turn but down.<br />
DownTOWN, that is! And so, at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday, dressed in heels and a cleavagebearing<br />
half-shirt (always keep it classy), I pulled into the parking lot of the Spearmint Rhino,<br />
located in the lower asshole of downtown L.A.<br />
If you’re unfamiliar with the world of exotic dance, you might be under the mistaken<br />
impression that a place with the word “Rhino” in it isn’t the most upscale joint around. But<br />
au contraire. It’s actually staffed by chicks with the bounciest breasts and fakest smiles in the<br />
industry. I didn’t go in there with any misconceptions about my chances of getting hired, but at<br />
the same time, I figured, why not aim high?<br />
I went in coifed and made up. The bouncer directed me up a set of stairs to the dressing<br />
room. I changed into my bikini, scoping the competition in the process (a MILF and an 18-yearold),<br />
made haste back downstairs, and greeted the DJ. First song topless, second song naked.<br />
I had never actually danced fully naked, by the way. I’ve been a titties and bikini kind of<br />
gal thus far, thanks in no small part to the crippling laws surrounding Los Angeles strip clubs.<br />
So half of it was new to a Jew. Song one, tits out. Song two; my bottoms came off and all I<br />
felt was a cool breeze on my outer (and, briefly, inner) labia. Nothing different but the wind.<br />
Anyway, I thought I did a nice little number. I worked in a few pole tricks (never putting<br />
my lady parts on the pole though, I don’t know, that grosses me out). I moved slow, the guy<br />
sitting at the stage wearing serial killer bifocals tipped me. Wonderful. I walked off the stage<br />
butt-ass, stepped into my bottoms on the stairs and checked in with the very chubby DJ.<br />
“Go get dressed and then wait for the manager.”<br />
Pause for effect. If you think that the words “go get dressed” are a bad sign for a stripper,<br />
you are correct.<br />
For a second I tried talking him out of making me get dressed, but DJ’s don’t like to do the<br />
manager’s dirty work, so finally I gave it up and did the Walk of Shame up to the dressing room.<br />
I tried to avoid eye contact with the skinny MILF, who now represented all of my own personal<br />
failings.<br />
Dressed, packed, and walked back down.<br />
Finally, the manager showed. The man was a sphere. A perfect sphere. A sphere with a<br />
moustache, to be exact. He was short and round, like that chick from Willy Wonka who turns<br />
into a fucking blueberry. Had I knocked him over and kicked him in the side, his fat ass would<br />
have rolled out the door. And here’s what this motherfucker tells me:<br />
“Right now, I’m pretty full, so I probably won’t be hiring for another few months (that’s a<br />
classic strip club manager lie, btw). So, I had the chance to watch your first song from my office.<br />
You move well, but you need to…you know…tone it up.”<br />
Oh my fucking god.<br />
“Tone it…tone what up? My body??”<br />
“Yeah. So you know, if you want to work on that and then come back in a few months,<br />
maybe we can see then.”<br />
First of all, are you fucking kidding me?? Come back in a few months? If I’m going to be<br />
building up job skills over the course of several months, it is not going to be so that I can try to<br />
get hired at another strip club. I’ll kill you.<br />
Second of all, I really wish that I had said, “How dare you,” because I’ve always wanted to<br />
say that to someone and mean it. But I didn’t have my wits about me, and so instead I shook his<br />
hand, thanked him, and left.<br />
Walk of Shame, the sequel, out to the parking lot. At this point, my confidence was more<br />
than bruised. What am I going to do - go to the reject’s club? The home for ugly strippers?<br />
Couldn’t he have just told me they were full and sent me on my way?<br />
The good news is that I didn’t let the Sphere’s comment throw me into a complete and<br />
total downward spiral of self-hatred, which I would have at other points in my life. I think that<br />
speaks to my maturity, my sense of self. And frankly, while this may seem like the time for a<br />
feminist analysis of the sex industry, in fact it is not. It’s just too fucking obvious. Yeah, unfair<br />
standards of beauty, narrow concept of what men want, etc. etc. The thing is that it all really<br />
leads me back to one, simple sentiment: FUCK that guy.<br />
As Julia Roberts once said, BIG mistake. HUGE! Let’s be real - I am an amazing dancer (Jew),<br />
and I know how to hustle. As such, I was immediately snatched up (haha, no pun intended) by<br />
a wiser strip club manager, one with far better taste.<br />
And, p.s., I toned up absolutely nothing. Take THAT.<br />
PhOtOs<br />
12<br />
gaspar marquez | tpburl.com/5svywz<br />
Kari otero | tpburl.com/qrz1sh<br />
PhOtOs<br />
Red Ribbon Bake Shop<br />
Categories: Bakeries<br />
Location: 138 S. Vermont Ave, Los Angeles, CA 90004<br />
tpburl.com/62fb3c<br />
See all Los Angeles reviews at www.yelp.com/la<br />
thE PrintEd bLOg is PrintEd by JOhn s. sWiFt CO., inC. WWW.JOhnsWiFtPrint.COM (847) 465-3300<br />
LOS ANGELES<br />
May W. says, “I've driven by this place so many times, but never knew it existed until yesterday.<br />
Apparently, this location is really small compared to the other Reb Ribbons. I haven't been to<br />
any other location so I can't compare, but this was definitely a really, really tiny shop. The<br />
parking situation was really, really bad, but at least it was free.<br />
Anyway, I had to pick up a giant 3/4 mango cake for an alumni event I attended last night and let<br />
me tell you, everyone RAVED about the cake. I'm not usually a big fan of cake, but I had to<br />
agree with all the compliments I heard. The cake was moist, fluffy, and had a nice subtle hint of<br />
mango to it. It was not overpowering, but I wish they would have added slices of real mango to<br />
it instead of just flavoring the cake with...uhh, I don't know (but it tasted like mango!!).<br />
I don't know how much the cake cost so I can't speak about the price. However, I can tell you<br />
about the service. Everyone in the bake shop was very friendly and greeted me the moment I<br />
walked in. The manager even helped me bring the large cake to my car. I'm really glad he did<br />
because that thing was huge and I have a poor vestibular system (I lose my balance for no<br />
reason sometimes. Seriously.).”<br />
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see what is happening in Los angeles at eventful.com/Losangeles<br />
Janka mudrakova | tpburl.com/tf07rj
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