I REMEMBER YOU - Reinhard Lier

Reality shocks
I REMEMBER YOU
by Reinhard Lier
Translation by Christine Grimm, Santa Barbara
Dedicated to my parents and my ancestors
This book discusses the family constellation work by Bert Hellinger.
whose approach has already been of great assistance to the many
individuals it has reached.
So far this book is only available as a PDF.
If anybody should be interested to support
the publication of the English version of this book,
please contact Reinhard Lier under info@lier.de.
Grateful recognition to Bert Hellinger
and to all,
who gave me valuable motivation and insights
on my path of learning and awakening.
Bert Hellinger and his phenomenological approach are still being disputed over and probably will
be for a long time.
No other method has caused more turbulance or triggered more change and movement in
the art of healing than his did. All of the sudden family constellation was, and still is, a method
for everybody. It concerns each one of us. We all live in the larger context of our family and
ancestry, yes, and finally the Greater Soul.
Hellinger traveled his very own path. Although he picked up the already existing
instrument of family constellation, it was he, who started the unique development of this tool and
the clarification of power and order, which mysteriously take effect when family constellations
are done. Direct perception forms the base for his insights , perception that is not only affected by
external signals, but also originates from the heart of the soul: the feeling! And here the
controversy ignites: there is someone who – in a matter of fact way – not only dares to include
feeling as an instrument of perceiving the soul, but even gives feeling the main role. This hat to
1

esult in a collision with the coolly distantly observing science, which has all of us under its spell,
more or less.
Hellinger was never interested in scientific recognition or approval. He was, and
continues to be, interested in the individual and his fate, his entanglement and especially the
solution! Isn’t this the central question? How can I be in harmony with the fundamental
wholeness, facing the light as well as the dark fatefully forces in my life that also mirror the ways
of the world? Is there a healthy way of confronting the terrible forces that are inside of me, and in
the world, without getting ill, failing or even be driven to suicide?
Myself, I met Bert Hellinger in 1996, first in his books, and his early videos, then at a
seminar in Cologne. This was my introduction into this field and I felt clearly that I had found my
proper instrument, which I was able to play well. At the same time there was inside of me a
profound movement towards the earth towards being well grounded. Understanding the
phenomenon of identification and the steps of executing it`s solution in the family constellation
led me on the road to my own recovery. I owe Bert Hellinger a lot! I lived and continue to live the
healing process, which leads to full agreement with this life on earth and its wonderful
possibilities and at the same time to be nestled in a greater whole that speaks to me from the
depth of the soul. Furthermore, I was able to get to know and to learn how to use the highly
effective instruments of the phenomenological approach.
After the first several, timid, constellations among a circle of close friends, I was deeply
impressed by the results. Something was happening that I didn’t quite comprehend in all its
depth. I especially noticed the delicate, but strong forces which manifest during the family
constellations. Now, more than 2,700 constellations later, much is becoming clearer, and hidden
connections have come into the light.
The crucial work has been done by Bert Hellinger over the years. His talent for precise
observation – the seeing – led to insights into the fundamental dynamics of entanglements, as
well as into the “order of love”. That love should need order and measure to be able to thrive and
flourish, this concept was new to me. But according to Bert Hellinger this order of love is in a
state of flux and is “breathing” which facilitates the evolution of love, and, at the same time, the
order itself is subject to change.
The book you hold in your hand is intended to introduce the methods of family
constellations, and furthermore the phenomenological approach, with thanks to Bert Hellinger.
Although, it will probably be decades, before this method will be widely spread and accepted.
At the moment, family constellation is spreading out primarily among members of the alternative
society. From this base it reaches out to the more conservative citizen who otherwise would have
no interest in phenomenological methods.
Hellinger entrusts the tools and insights to all of us who are open to them. He
relinquished the creation of a school, and therefore also relinquished awarding licenses for using
these tools. This trust in the power and guidance of the greater unity honors him. Here, the
dignity and responsibility of both the group leader and the client are in demand once again.
Reinhard Lier
Linderhof, November 2002
2

The Ancestors
I stand on the moist earth, which was there already
when my ancestors cultivated it
and drew upon,
what their ancestors thought, felt, spoke and did.
Father and mother, grandfather and grandmother….,
all of them are the path, on which I stand,
gate of that source,
I drink from the secret of life.
So I stand on this fertile soil,
well grounded, if I take it well, as it is,
focus of eternal present,
where new life is to take place.
They look friendly upon me,
when I receive life in a good way,
to sow newly and to harvest,
for me and those,
who are yet to come.
So I swing within the flow of many generations
and know myself lovingly united with them.
I respect them and their paths
and leave their traditions and conducts with them.
Everybody has his circle of dignity,
in which I may not stand.
One last glance full of thankfulness,
for your being and effecting,
which continues flowing, alive inside of me.
In my heart I give everyone a space,
where they can rest in peace –
that shall be my gratitude.
Reinhard Lier
Me and my Family –
The Family of Origin
On those who reject the ordinary, the extra-ordinary will exert a seductive effect and will
therefore be dangerous to them. The ordinary – the earth, the parents, the family – is wholesome.
Bert Hellinger has observed that the most fundamental need of human beings is the need to bond
and to belong to family and kin. We are born into our family and we are absolutely, completely,
and utterly at their mercy. As a child, I perceive the parents and take life in the way it flows into
me. Children love their parents absolutely and are entirely faithful to them. Here we discover the
3

sphere of the family of origin. Taking the family tree and possible lines of entanglement into
account, the family of origin consists of:
brothers and sisters, including stillbirths or miscarriages. (Children surviving the 3 rd
or 4 th month of pregnancy), children given away to other families
(adoption)
Half-brothers and –sisters (children one parent had with another partner),
Father and mother
Former partners of parents
Uncles and aunts (siblings of grandparents)
Grandparents
Tending to be of lesser influence are:
Brothers and sisters of grandparents
Former partners of grandparents
Great-grandparents
Furthermore:
Men and women, whose leaving or death brought some sort of benefit for the family
Not included are:
Step brothers and -sisters (children of former or later partners of a parent)
Cousins, their partners, and children
Husbands and wives and children of uncle, aunt, granduncle, grandaunt or of the client`s
own brothers and sisters.
It is recommended, to draw a family tree for clarifying the family situation. When looking at the
family members including oneself we look only for significant events, that happened to these
individuals. It is of no regard whether the father was dominant or weak. Important, though, is
whether he was physically handicapped or an alcoholic, or had lost his father in early childhood.
Such significant events are
(this list does not claim to be complete! Additional remarks are welcome):
• Serious illnesses, handicaps (physical or mental), addictions
• Surviving a life threatening situation e.g. drowning, burried after bombing
• Early death of father, mother, brothers and sisters half brothers and sisters, of former
partners of parents as well as the way they died: accident, illness, drowning, burning,
murder, suicide
• Did a woman (mother) die during or after giving birth?
• Giving away children for adoption
• Accidents (without death)
• Combatant (e.g. Vietnam, Gulf War)
• Adoption
• Entring a convent or monastery
• Priesthood (catholic)
• Of Jewish descent
• Emigrating overseas
• Incest, sexual abuse
• Crime (especially war crime, even merely witnessing war crime)
• Culpable entanglements (also by causing accidents)
• Has somebody illegally acquired an inheritance?
• Suicide
• Murder
• Displaced persons
4

• Are the parents from different countries?
• Did somebody live like an outsider e.g. as an homosexual, compulsive gambler, seriously
ill patient or did somebody spend a long time in jail or a psychiatric hospital?
Drawing a family tree:
5

The present family
The soul has me.
The soul knows everything- it has a memory.
The soul swings outside of space and time.
The soul bears the ten thousand things
-be they light or dark – inside,
with resolve for unity.
You and I, we are in it.
The soul leads us, mysteriously.
If the client is married or living in a solid relationship, we call this the present system, which
includes in its smallest form, a man and a woman as a couple or a homosexual partnership. Do
they have children together or if children that stem from earlier partners are included, the
following aspects of order need to be considered:
The children of a partner, who originate from an earlier relationship, are in a position of
priority. In other words, a man can only take a woman if he honors her relationship to her own
children and humbles himself to stand by her in a secondary position behind her children. The
woman says to the man: “ I must stand first with my children.”
When it comes to these children the man has neither rights nor responsibilities, because
he is not the father. This remains the same for these children, even if later on both partners have
children together, to whom the man then is a father with full rights and responsibilities.
The more relationships and children have to be considered on either side, the more complicated
working on and with a constellation of the present family gets.
It is essential here to respect former partners – to respect the bond that always remains – and a
good separation, so that later children won’t feel an unconscious urge to represent the former
partner. The laterborn child owes his existence to the breaking of the former relationship. The
father, for instance, left his first wife to take another, the child`s mother, as his second wife. So
the child could be born, but in its Soul the losing of the first wife is registered. The father`s first
wife has a right to belong (to the system) and the child experiences her loss as its own gain, for its
mother was able to take the first wife`s place. In the child`s Soul this first wife now is allotted a
new place so she may be present in the system. In this case the child may for example experience
the powerless rage that the first wife felt towards the father, who left her. Or the father may grieve
over losing his first great love and the daughter may secretly (and subconsciously) take the
woman`s place. Then the new wife will sense that her own daughter is competing with her. And
the daughter cannot find her position as a daughter nor can she really take that woman as her
mother.
Solution: The child is relieved, when the father gives the first wife in his soul the appropriate,
right place, when he respects and honors, what he has received from this woman.
In this respect, our own former relationships must be honored, because these earlier partners have
the right to be held within our soul (within our system). Hellinger clearly distinguishes bond from
love. Basically the bond is established by the emotional-sexual fulfillment – and it is
unbreakable. Whether there is any love involved is an entirely different question. A sexual bond
can also arise without love, for example in case of incest or rape. Then, it is necessary to examine
each respective case by means of the family constellation, if the forces of bond are at work. What
I regard as crucial is: All relationships in which sexuality was the base are significant, even if the
exchange may have been superficial and unemotional. What counts is the giving and taking. We
6

ought to respect what we have taken and to reserve a good place in our heart for the gift as well as
for the giver. If we fail to do that, then children who are not yet born will later try to reinstal
orderly conditions, maybe even try to represent that person. It is amazing to see, how profound
the effect of spiritual rules is and to see the ways in which the Soul reflects to us unfinished
business through our children. The Soul Family won’t tolerate injustices like failing to respect a
former partner.
Later partners, too, have to respect our earlier sincere relationships (and we theirs!), if
they don’t want to lose us. In any case, any official relationship, with both partners living together
is considered a “sincere relationship”. It takes courage and humility at the same time for a second
woman to take the man in view of the first woman, because if the first woman lost her man, the
second woman can take him and keep him well only, if this “taking” is not done in a
presumptuous way. For deep in her soul the second woman feels that she got this man at the
expense of the first woman. If she now respects the first woman and with it, this first bond, then
she can stand up to her love and take the man as his second woman.
Platonic relationships without sex do not lead to bonding. In that case the relationship
remains literally non-committal, because whoever avoids sexual fulfillment avoids getting
involved in the strongest force in life. The giving and taking of female and male force creates the
deepest of connections between human beings. It is only at this level that the passing on of life
occurs, it is only here, that the human being, especially the woman, is near life and death.
Pregnancy and birth of a child are the fruits and the fulfillment of sexual union and point at our
relation to a greater whole. As Hellinger strikingly phrased it, the sexuality serves a higher event,
which conscripts us for service and duties.
7

The Fulfillment of Eternal Order
Contented endeavour gives calmness to the heart
And if a contented one
were approached by all beingshe
would stay calm,
watching them come and go .
Because everything living is subject to change
It unfolds -
And returns to the very source.
Returning to the very source
that means: becoming peaceful
that means: returning home.
Homecoming is: return to the everlasting.
Whoever realizes this, is wise;
whoever doesn’t realize it, causes mischief.
Who is deeply stirred by the everlasting
becomes charitable.
The charitable one is tolerant.
The tolerant one is noble.
The noble one obeys the eternal order
And who obeys it,
equals the unfathomable
and is, like this, everlasting
No kind of fate affects him anymore.
TAO TE KING, Laotse,1
Soul, Ego and the Child Soul
Attempting to build a model here let me stress that this is but one of many ways of trying
to get close to an understanding of what being human means in all its complexity. Such a model
can help the understanding of hidden connections. The precious realm of experiences opened up
by family constellation shows that the following conclusions make sense.
Looking at the individual, Hellinger first identifies a conscious part, the Ego, and a
significantly larger subconscious part, the Soul. In the following explanation, I develop this
thought and make it clear by means of a graph. I understand the child’s Soul as a subconscious
early stage of the Ego-development. Out of it develops the Ego. The love of a child’s Soul is goal
driven, in other words guided by intention and remains in a magically symbiotic way of sensing.
Hellinger characterizes this sphere as “magical thinking and feeling” and “ blind unconscious
love”.
For the child’s soul the highest good is bonding, is belonging to family and kin.
The Ego shows, as the tip of the iceberg, the smallest part of our being. Here we make
our conscious decisions, declare our intentions and make use of our free scope of action. How
free the Ego`s scope really is will have to remain an open question in the face of the enormous
power of the Soul. Looking at the strong effects of the Soul, which usually stay subconscious,
when family members are entangled with one another, it becomes clear, that the Ego never can be
free of the Soul or can get away from it. Even if it might seem as if a child could angrily break
with its family, it always will stays tied to the family of origin on the deep subconscious levels of
8

the Soul. If this person, turned away from his family, later has children of his own, these children
will pick up the ties which are still active below the surface of Ego-consciousness and will for
example represent their grand-parents.
The Me stays subject to the fateful power of the soul, even if a creative, selfcentered
will within certain limits may work. The highest possession of the Me is the life, which
includes at the same time the refusal of the death. Whereas the soul is in unity with the death and
does not fear death.
The soul operates essentially in the subconscious, and comprises the greater whole in its
different dimensions. The soul may not be understood as pure personal and individual.
The soul controls the process of development of the individual family member as
well as the one of the higher unity of family, extended family, nation and humanity. It covers the
living and the dead. We all exist in the soul, as Bert Hellinger emphasized over and over. In
connection with the above I like to speak of the wisdom of the soul, because it works like a wise
counselor, which tells us exactly what strengthens us and lets us grow, or what weakens us and
makes us rigid.
The soul comprises the movement of life and death, increasing and decreasing processes,
in other words, forces of transformation. In this process of transformation and development we
meet next to the most agreeable and beauty also the terrible of the world: on one side as an outer
phenomenon and on the other side as present energy in ourselves (if we become conscious of
such). The human being experiences the night of this world in their terror and monstrosities. Out
of this experience of the Me within of which what we call here “soul”, the significance and depth
of human being develops. This process of consciousness seems to be an essential part of the soul.
The higher whole reflects itself presumable in this process of humanly awakening.
The awakening and the recognition is tied in the course of this to the change of polarities
within time and space and needs the experience of the limit – the death.
Death here, means the dying and saying goodbye in its complexity (not only in the
physical sense) also and especially while alive on earth. We are subject to the flow of time and
constantly have to say goodbye to what we just experienced and lived through. Hellinger
describes this connection very precise in his poem “The circle” (page 30), which expresses
clearly his spiritual attitude towards the larger whole.
Let us go back to the systemic aspect of the soul. Here, I am talking about the family
soul, which connects many generations with one another. It stands in exchange with all, who
have a right of belonging. This way, the pyramid completes itself to a pyramid circle, in which
each family member has their space. On the level of the family soul is a constant exchange of
information. Here, everybody subconsciously knows of the fate of everyone, which means, within
the individual forms so to speak holographic all the fate of family and extended family. In this
connection, we can also speak of morphological or morphogenetic fields, which is being
researched by the English scientist Ruppert Sheldrake.
All life organizes itself in the form of invisible fields of energy, which contain specific
information. Not until later this information turns into reality in the materiality of the threedimensional
world.
In the family constellation such fields of energy obviously are effective. The client carries
inside the energetic reproduction of the soul family with all events of the past. This, in all family
members effective field obviously has a memory and therefore may be called as “knowing
9

field” (Albrecht Mahr). So, the presence of a person is sufficient, to make the network
relationship of the whole family and extended family visible.
The client nominates, by means of a representative, for each one of their own family in
the room. These representatives only need to know, whom they represent. When the client
concentrates and gets in physical touch with the representatives, the field of energy of the soul
family transforms to the appropriate representative, who experiences after a short time a different
state of mind and being. These representatives are at work, so to speak as medium for father,
mother, sister, brother, uncle and so on. After everybody for the topic facing, the important
persons are brought up, they are then questioned about their condition. In this way the basic
dynamic of the family entanglement becomes clear quickly and solutions can be sought.
In the following, I point out how to deal with family constellations. It is about a wording,
which has developed over the last several years to give support to the participants of my groups.
The circle
A person affected, asked somebody, who went little ways
along the same path:
“Tell me, what counts for us.”
The other gave him as an answer:
“First of all counts, that we are alive for a time,
so that it has a beginning, where there was already much before
and that it, when it ends,
falls back in a great deal before it.
Because, like in a circle, when it closes itself,
its end and its beginning become one and the same,
so follows the afterwards of our life itself smooth
its previous, as if there
had been no time between them.
That is why we have time only now.
Next counts, that, what we achieve in that time,
itself us with it withdraws,
as if it belonged to another time,
and would we, where we think to achieve,
only kept like a tool
for something over and above us used
and again put aside.
Released will we be completed.”
The person affected asks:
“If we and what we achieve,
each to its time exists and ends,
what counts, when our time itself closes?”
The other spoke:
“It counts the previous and the afterwards
as an equal.”
Then their paths parted
and their time,
and both stopped
and paused. Bert Hellinger, 2
10

Important advice for the family constellation process
• All participants should confront the process with respect and inner sympathy. What
happens will neither be commented on, nor judged by the participants. Please do not
leave the room during the constellation – there are enough breaks in between!
• It is preferred, and necessary, that observers as well as participants, still waiting in line
for their own constellation, are willing to volunteer as representatives. (Naturally it is
possible to refuse, if the inhibition level is too major). Representatives slip, so to speak,
into another family system e.g. “father, mother, child, husband or wife” and then
experience their feelings and thoughts, sometimes even the body emotions of persons,
who they stand for. I then ask the representative how they feel, and they let me know
their perceptions without any hesitation. These perceptions must be clearly distinguished
from the personal fate of the representative. In other words, one may not bring anything
in relation with his own life. At the end of the constellation process the representatives
leave their part and remove themselves from someone else’s fate.
• Clients come with a serious concern (concrete problem, major family tragedy, see page
14). Constellations are being carried out, because we are seeking solutions with regard to
our personal fate. It is about taking responsibility for our acting and our being, us being
entitled to a good space in the family system and with that, at least, on this earth as well.
Whoever knows their roots and takes them to heart, stands stable and good, lives their life
in a fulfilled sense.
• The completed constellation of the client shows the reality of the respective difficulty in a
moment of time, and won’t allow any absolute conclusions, how this reality in future
will develop itself. The movements of the soul are not predictable and have to be
observed, and acknowledged with the greatest caution. Truth reveals itself, in this respect
by sinking into being, from moment to moment, again, and again newly. In view of the
soul, its power and the future flow of life, we have to leave these static or logical attempts
at calculation behind us.
• Generally, the constellation should end with a picture of a solution, which then develops
its healing effect in the soul of the client, and this takes time (anywhere from one to three
years, a long-term effect!). That is why a little time should pass by after a constellation,
until one e.g. after the constellation of the present family then wants to do the family of
origin. In addition, a constellation is never completely able to capture all problem areas
of the family and extended family, so that “in layers” different problematic family
themes often have to be put on an orderly basis and be solved. Then, there might be
several days, more so several weeks, or months between each constellations. This means
the work of constellation is absolutely a repeatable measure, which can lead rather
quickly and effectively to a fundamental solution.
• Clients should not talk to outsiders about their feelings and inner processes after a
constellation, because they have to keep all forces of strength and power collected inside
for the development of the solution. If you get questioned by the curious as to how it
was, then you can say “it was intensive”. If somebody is interested in this work, then he
can always participate as an observer.
• Clients should not act right after a constellation. The picture of solution develops its
efficiency and with this process the suitable occasion of taking action all by itself arises.
(“The sailor waits for a convenient wind and does not start right away to row like mad”).
11

• The identification with a person from the family or extended family represents the most
difficult form of fateful entanglement. Once the identification came to light in a
constellation, the break away from the person concerned whom one is deeply connected
with, through blind, subconscious love, will be fulfilled. The bow of the client in front of
that person is the best way to express respect and acknowledgement. Through this
respecting of the other person with his fate, the client collects one’s thoughts and then
withdraws oneself to one’s appropriate space in the family. However, after the
constellation there is still an identification suction at work. Now those forces are being
consciously perceived, which connected us with the strange fate in a pathological way.
The following is recommended as a resolving aid:
• The solving sentence should be spoken in the language of the native country (or
dialect), because a deeper effect on the soul is reached.
• The bow can be repeated inwardly once in a while after the constellation, in other words,
carried out by imagination. It consists first of all of the making a bow (I give to the
person opposite the honor!) and secondly by straightening up (I straighten up and find
myself and get into my power!) The following solving sentences help at the same time: “
I respect you, your fate and your decisions und leave it all with you, only you can endure
it!” and “In my heart you have space. But now I let you go – with love”. A good picture
of imagination, which gives strength: Father and mother stand good willed behind me
and I feel, how fatherly and motherly flow inside of me. However, I also can awaken
inside of me the final picture of the constellation and look loving from my, for me
appropriate space to all relatives.
• If concrete questions or problems after the constellation arisen, then the participants
may contact me by telephone or e-mail or make arrangements for a private appointment.
In some cases, a work over may be meaningful and necessary, to embed the solving
picture of the constellation yet deeper into the soul. Decisive for such post work are the
perceptions and needs of the clients. Sometimes I recommend a work over at a later date
while still at the seminar. There are topics, which might be better taken care of privately.
Clients, which are sent to me by physician or psychiatrists, should contact them again
after a constellation.
• Clients, who had a constellation, should not be questioned about their personal things.
The actual carrying out happens between the client and the group-leader. The other
participants of the group should leave the one who worked simply alone in peace!
• All participants are bound to observe confidentiality, which means, we “forget” all
personal statements and processes of the clients.
“If one has realized here something as being right, then one may not act right away. Otherwise
one acts under the influence of the outside. For example, under the influence of me. Or also the
influence of the picture. Then is that, what one does not lead by the soul, but arises from
considerations, objections, or restlessness, or what ever.”
Bert Hellinger 3
12

Three basic needs
Hellinger observed, that the orders of love are based on three basic needs of human beings:
1. The need for bonding
This is a sense of belonging to a group. We experience this need as the first thing looking at
our family of origin: The child looks at the parents as well as all the other family members
and all it wants is, to belong to them. In this process the child experiences a deep feeling of
faith and innocence. If I may belong to my family, then I experience a very strong feeling of
happiness, whatever the outwardly material circumstances of the family might be.
In later years this need for bonding changes course towards couple relationship.
Only this way a new system can develop and be permanent. Through feelings of guilt and
innocence we feel exactly, whether we danger or support the bonding to the group through
our behavior. In his book “Love hidden symmetry” Bert Hellinger goes into the topic of guilt
and innocence as an regulating power of receipt of our affiliation to the respective group.
2. The need for balancing the giving and taking
Relationships begin with giving and taking. In equal relationships, both partners give and take
in alternating rhythm. If the balance will be refused, because only one gives and won’t takes
(e.g. helper- or rescue-syndrome), the continuance of the relationship based on partnership is
endangered. Who has taken, would like to give back, to feel innocent and free again. The
obligation to have to give (to equal the giving) is taking as a feeling of being-in-the-dept. This
uncomfortable feeling disappears again, by giving back.
But, what is important in a couple relationship and for equal partners and what is
necessary for the continuance of the relationship – namely the continues balance of giving
and taking -, that is impossible in the parents-child-relationship. The parents give the child
life as the greatest gift, which flows through them into the child. This gift can not be balanced
out by the child and so it stays always in guilt toward the parents. Helpful for the child is the
posture of thankfulness with respect to the parents.
The child especially respects the risk, that the mother agreed to, during her pregnancy and
birth, because she could have died. So the mother carries a larger burden then the man. She
stands very close to the death in the process of passing on of life.
3. The need for order
The interhuman life develops itself through ordering, whether it is in terms of laws, traditions
or unwritten behavioural rules. Orders have an effect within the family and the extended
family, which come to our conscious rather rarely, even though we act on them most of the
time, so that we may be included.
For example, there is a hierarchy between siblings, which orientates on the appearing of
the individual in time. Who came first, occupies the space of the first. The second follows,
then the third. The first one gives the second and the second gives the third. The last one,
generally speaking, has taken the most, sits at the very bottom and tends mostly in accordance
with entanglements, to grow closer to the heavy fate of his superordinate sibling. Among the
siblings there is peace, if everyone respects the space of the others.
The orders serves us humans, so that the love can flow easily and relationships can
succeed. However, these orders are subject to change and renewal. They “swing and develop
themselves” according to Bert Hellinger and “while they set limits, they also give space”.
13

Basic forms of entanglements
Who refuses the agreement to the reality, has to suffer.
Bert Hellinger
The human being suffers in terms of systemic entanglements, if one of the following three
dynamics are experienced:
1.The Identification
This seems to be the most difficult form of entanglement. Somebody takes, for example, the
illness of the father and suffers like him to relieve him from the pain. The child soul experiences
the pain of the other in the system as unbearable and immediately wants to deliver the other from
his heavy burden. This refers to the ancestral as well, who have died early and who he never met
personally. In the child soul the pain of the ancestral is carried on to the present. The heavy fate of
the grandfather reflects itself in the child soul of the grandchild, who identifies out of blind love
with the pain of the grandfather, to still rescue the grandfather afterwards. This endeavor of the
child soul is presumably caused by following circumstances:
a) By taking on the pain of the grandfather, the grandchild of the family feels tightly
affiliated. It is a matter of a deep movement in the child soul: A feeling of being
good, the faith and the powerful size and innocence is being experienced in all the
tragic entanglements.
b) The child soul reveals totally illogical tendencies. The factor of time of before and
after, the past and the future is obviously not being perceived. Here is the question, if
“time” in general is of any importance for the soul. For the dead grandfather, the pain
is already gone, but the living grandchild feels this pain as it was his own – as a
matter of fact, he makes it to his own, that means, he identifies himself with the fate
of the grandfather. He fights and carries on and suffers, as if it could turn into better
through that.
On the model of the soul, I mentioned the magic thinking and feeling of the child soul. It is about
a loving magic of power, which leads into an emptiness and disappointment. This blind love does
not reach its goal. The child soul says to the grandfather “I follow you” or it says to the still
living father“ Rather me(suffer) than you”. The first sick making sentence (“I follow you”) is
always related to a dead person. This wanting-to-follow means the loss of very much of the life
strength, which flows back to the dead. One can grow old with such an identification, but the full
strength as “happiness of presence” will not be available.
The second sentence (“rather me than you”) relates to the living. Both sentences lead into pain,
illness and sometime even death.
The solution and releasing of this magic imagination is looking at the loved person, who the
client identifies with. The looking-at has a releasing effect as well, as in the obeisance for
example, the grandfather and the respect of his heavy fate. The fate belongs to him and must stay
with him, even if in the child soul it is experienced as his own fate. It is a difficult step for most of
the human beings, to let the other family member expect his difficult life and to leave it all with
him. They rather close their eyes and stay in blind love, in a painful, symbiotic embrace with their
ancestral. (With-)suffering is easier, than having a good time in face of heavy fates and to make
something great with the own life – also to the honor and joy of all dead.
To the phenomenon of identification I wrote a poem on page 47.
2. The interrupted movement towards
In a family constellation, if a client stands very indifferent in front of his parents or speaks distant
and cool about them, then, according to Hellinger it is most of the time an interrupted movement
14

towards the mother, sometimes also towards the father or to another important person of the early
childhood (e.g. towards the grandmother).
There are several reasons for this emotional being-cut-off: Perhaps one parent died at an early age
or the child went to the hospital for days or weeks. A parents divorce, or the release for adoption,
have to be considered as well.
The interrupted movement-towards has a major influence later on in the experience of the couple
relationship. It leads to neurotic behaviors, when the adult wants to build up closeness to one
partner and then the very next moment flees from that exact closeness. Deep rooted feelings of
pain, rejection, despair, hate, resignation and mourning arisen and cover the primary love. These
feelings are so to speak the others, reversed side of the love of the child towards his parents.
In the process of developing a family constellation the pain will be picked up again and
emphasized by breathing deeply. The client goes back to the original situation of the pain, when
he experienced the separation of the parents. While allowing the pain, one reaches the love below
it, which then leads into the movement towards the parents. When the client for example has
reached his mother inwardly, a feeling of relief and security spreads out. The picture of solution is
complete and now develops in the soul its effect of deep action, which takes time. Not until later
the outward appearance the relationship to the parents also changes for the better.
The resumption of the interrupted-movement-towards can be carried out in the constellation work
or working with the individual in private sessions. In the family constellation the client stands in
front of his mother, (or the father, or rather the respective representative!) and is slowly being
lead to experience the pain, until an embracing is coherent and possible. In the private session the
group-leader takes over the part of the missing parent and continuously maintains body contact
with the client until he can let himself drop completely in the arms of the companion.
3. Suffering because of personal guilt
When we are jointly responsible for the pain of other human beings, for example through an
accident caused by us, then we are inclined to want to even out this pain by not having a good
time ourselves. Deep down in the child soul the need for balance becomes noticeable, but most
of the time it is unbalanced for the worse. I also suffer, for example through illness, or
professional, or private failure.
The right solution would be to acknowledge, and carry their own guilt. If it is possible, make up
for the damage to the victim, or, if he has died already, doing something else good in memory of
him.
15

The Return
From the loneliness of the desert
I return back
into the gardens of the valley.
In the desert I saw the,
who had left
and the whom I wanted to follow.
Nothing should be between us,
all borders I wanted to go beyond,
to experience the last luck.
But it was the luck of death,
where one renounces all and lets go,
before one really is stirred deeply
to say good bye from life and earth.
It was a deceptive freedom,
which search detached from all bonds
in free fall the emptiness.
From the loneliness of the desert
I return back
into the prolific gardens of the valley.
Reinhard Lier
Me and the world –
Taking back the projection is the healing
Subjectively speaking we, the human beings, experience something like an inward (our own
Soul) and an outward, (the world), in the broadest sense. In concrete, the world opposes in form
of human beings and situation. We experience ourselves in, and with, the outer world. When we
react to the world, we step with it in response, and something touches us very strongly – either
comfortably or painfully. This phenomenon of resonance, oscillating within us, should make us
think. There are subjects to which we have a strong reaction towards, and others, which do not
bother us at all. What upsets one, might leave another fully untouched.
Of course, here we are only interested in that which is uncomfortable to us, so to speak,
painful to touch, because we know that we have a problem with this and we want to get rid of as
soon as possible. Looking at the solution, the actual difficulty is, to realize the interrelation
between inner and outer reality.
Then we would know, that the outer world is as a mirror at work and emotionally within us, we
can let only that bring into swing these topics which are not yet solved and slumber in some dark
corners.
The term projection means exactly this interrelation: I am like a slide projector, which constantly
projects certain unreleased, painful, pictures to the world. Now if in the outer world arises a
corresponding content to my inner pictures, then I meet this with resonance and react emotional
too weak to overshooting strong.
The following example demonstrates the idea more clearly: A man waits for his
girlfriend, who every so often does not show up without canceling the meeting. Now he waits
16

impatiently and frustrated, feelings of pain and rejection arise inside of him towards his girlfriend.
Over, and over again, she has done this to him, but now he has had enough, he will finish this
scenario and with that the relationship. Inside of him there is an intense discussion going on, how
can she be so insensitive, be so cold and drop him like that…?
Yet, before the relationship ends in anger now, looking at it from a neutral point of view,
there could begin an inner process that leads to a solution. The taking back of the projection is
the important step. The man carries emotional patterns inside of him, which are in accordance
with the way the girlfriend reacts towards him. So the question is not “How can she leave me
alone like that, how can she be so careless and cruel to me?” but “How can I leave myself so
alone, how can I be so careless and cruel to myself?”
Through exactly these questions, I move the fight from the outer world back to the inner world of
my Soul, from where it originates, and the only place it can be solved. It is about the integration
of the (spiritual) shadow (C.G. Jung), the double, who is described impressively in the
anthroposophy of Rudolf Steiner. Only this shadow makes us whole and heals us, only the
reconciliation with the darkness lets us experience inner peace and puts us in a mild mood
towards the darkness of the world. This brings to mind the commendable men like Nelson
Mandela. During 28 years in jail there had to be enormous processes of reconciliation to integrate
peacefully all the bad of the past with help of the commission of truth instead of being the dictator
afterwards and going to war against the whites.
However, back to our example: The girlfriend is not at all the cause for the sufferings of
the man, she is only the trigger. The cause is always inside of me, in the Soul of the individual
person. A trigger in the world, finally acknowledged consciously by the reflection, is activating
this painful personal topic. Because we human beings are primarily fixed in the outer world, we
only perceive insufficiently our inner world, the feeling of the soul. So in general, the organized
conscious processes have to be dealt with through the drama on the stage of the world so we can
develop and grow. Where there is suffering in and on the outer world, there are actually the inner
subjects of the “slide projector soul” across the screen of the world. Though it is a pity that this
connection is recognized by only a few people. Because the fights in the outer world are like
shadowboxing their own Soul. These fights waste a lot of energy which could be used much
more effectively, if only we knew how to distinguish between cause and trigger and recognize the
projection as such.
A keen perception of their own emotions is required for the solution. Right there the
human beings suffer from it. For most human beings the perception of spirituality has become
extremely stunted. They only stare at the outer world, which should provide them with everything
they need. Love, happiness, care and security. Then they reflect their longings in all the soap
operas and novels provided by the entertainment industry. Or one participates in extreme sport,
to at least feel something through this strong surge of adrenaline. Unfortunately one searches on
the wrong level for fulfillment, the world can not make us experience or live something which we
don’t have any access to inwardly. The access is submerged, perhaps because of painful traumas
from the childhood, when the mother left us alone for weeks in the hospital. These old, painful
feelings we have buried and are at the same time, a piece of our being, our sensitivity.
Through such trauma, resulting hardened manager has learned to avoid the feeling of pain with
the help of thinking and skillful escape movements.. Actually, he is seeking the access to
fulfillment – unfortunately, most of the time this happens on the wrong level. Objects of addiction
then provide, at least partially, ecstatic feelings, or one slides into depression, into a feeling of
emptiness.
Here along with it, comes in to the extended field of vision, the dimension of the Soul
family, and in the end the Soul of humanity. The hardness and coldness of father and grandfather,
for example have an effect in me, are part of a spiritual inheritance, from which I obviously
17

cannot escape. So the outlook to the ancestors in terms of family constellation are helpful in
experiencing consciously the longed for and indeed existing unity of the Soul. Out of love and
faith, we want to take part in the fate of the others. Understanding and empathy into these
entanglements are required to experience reconciliation and healing. My impression is, that at a
family constellation all persons involved (who, living or dead, are not present at the
constellation ) of the family experience some resolution, if one takes a conscious step towards the
inner. (If we include the thought of morphine fields by Sheldrake as well as the phenomenon of
holography – each part of a whole portrays the whole in itself once again, this conclusion is
conclusive). When we dare to step into the spiritual experience, in view of many generations,
then this becomes clear: Everything is connected in truth and reflects itself timelessly in one
another. So, I am united with the world. This experience is appropriate to my inner spiritual facts
as they are. With my unreleased feelings, I am the reflection of unreleased emotional situations
of my ancestors. The possibilities which result from these interrelations, are enormous. I only
have to take some essential steps forward to experience healing, and with that peace and
fulfillment:
1. I realize:
The world is only the trigger for my inner topic, therefore I look to the inside and don’t try,
to change the world (the human beings).
2. So I take back the projections and ask:
a) on the systemic level of family and ancestral: Who else has experienced that; from whom
could I have (out of loving solidarity) taking this on; who do I subconsciously try to imitate?
b) on what level of “absolute inwardness” I stay right with me: How could I treat myself like
that? (How for example could I torture myself to work every day and agonize my exhausted body
with overtime. Human beings obviously are in a position to look at themselves and establish a
relation between the Me to themselves. At the same time we are closely connected with
other “Me-beings”, the most obvious being with the siblings, parents and relatives. So we move
consciously and permanently within the polarity area (me and you, me and self), but fulfill more
and more the unity of the (great) Soul lying beyond
3. I allow all painful feelings (in general caused by a situation of the outer would), I look at all
this with agreement, physically slide bowing, creating a yes-movement and exhale deeply at the
same time. This movement of “yes that all right by me ” or “I agree” releases strong healing
power, when they are honestly carried out and repeated, despite a certain resistance. Here, it is
about a posture of uniting with what is. I allow this to be as it is, and I accept myself lovingly
with all of it. “Yes, that’s also me!” Only when we be came very close with our dark power, is
deliverance or solution possible. Only through this closeness can the level of Meta be fulfilled in
us and we become surprised by the releasing, detaching energy.
It is about the acceptance of your own shadow. Only the acceptance, the absorption of
unpleasant shadow figures, which we also are. The energy potential discloses itself to us so it can
flow constructively into our life. The suppression causes pressure, which in the worst case
provides destructive relief of the strain, e.g. to run amok of honest man. One major problem of
Christianity exists exactly in the negative way of dealing with these shadow parts, which
generally were projected towards women and different faiths. Even today, we are in view of a
precarious world situation not too far from such attitudes, as when they talk about “crusade
against the terrorism” or the “warriors of God. The structures of thinking and feeling are very
similar on both sides; but we may not mention that in our society, because we would like to
belong to the good ones.
This “wanting to be good” has always lived on the account of others and so the projection
of our own shadow parts stays inescapable. Bert Hellinger recognized, rightly, the affiliation to a
group as moral authority for good and bad. Strictly speaking, is the group only another Me, when
18

it doesn’t matter if only one or many project the dark of the Soul towards the opponent. So, at the
end we just have a war.
The emotional step for a solution to be carried out leads to the higher center, whose being
is the unity and fusion of the poles of good and bad within their own Soul. We can not live on
one-sided, we always become a little bit guilty. Are we always bad as well? Yet, we have to
exhale, to let go, to say good bye and die. But, our modern world tries to live one-sided, in a
pushing way, because the dictating standard is: young, dynamic, healthy, always winning and
wealthy.
Hardly anybody wants to see and acknowledge that human beings become old and ill and what
chances are involved in such a processes that the death is a permanent companion and that time
cannot be bought with money.
The center here on earth means also to agree from the heart to the change of the poles, so
to speak, the life rhythm between birth and death. There is the beginning of real freedom, because
it lets us be in unity with our mysterious last reality, which has an effect in everything. How
wonderfully this reality represents itself in terms of the phenomenological method. It shows us
the movements of the Soul, for example. It is documented in Hellingers constellation “The
War”(video). Russian and German soldiers slowly find one another after deep soul movements –
an incomprehensible event, that one should get involved with perceptions and this leaves one in
silent astonishment.
It is me
I look at me,
in all the forms,
the light and the dark,
the desired and rejected,
in thousands of occurrences on earth
I have recognized myself.
I have agreed to it
in pain of purification,
because there was no way out,
when I felt the
all of penetrating truth.
whose essence is the being itself.
Yes, it is me, all of it,
and now I only withdraw,
out of all masks,
the earthy layers
and go in peace
into the empty center,
to experience the incomprehensible being.
19

Five types of feelings
Bert Hellinger distinguishes between five types of feelings. These insights make it easier to do the
work of family constellations and facilitate a much faster finding of solutions.
1. Primary feelings are in accordance with a real situation: Somebody steps on my foot and I
express my pain. Or parents loose their child in a car accident and they feel a strong pain and
deep sorrow. These feeling are generally intensive and do not last forever. A good mourning
reaches its deepest point after a certain amount of time and after that a normal life may continue.
Primary feelings are authentic and not embarrassing. They strengthen the person who is affected.
2. Secondary feelings are a substitute for primary feelings, which the person affected does not
want to feel. Such feelings of substitution lead most of the time into a “never ending story” and
doesn’t come to a suitable, responsible behavior or a good solution. As a matter of fact, in this
way the behavior can be avoided. These feelings often have a show personality; they need an
audience and have an embarrassing and weakening effect on the people standing around them.
Parents, which have lost a child get angry and fight with the possibly guilty persons. Such anger
is most of the time a secondary feeling: One avoids the pain of the loss. Also, couples who
separate, get very angry, because the anger is easier to handle than the pain of the separation.
My impression is that in the screaming method, sometimes the clients in secondary feelings,
especially in anger and hate, stay stuck. Underneath these feelings though, there is deep pain and
beneath that, there again is love, which is meant to be released through experience of pain and to
then experience emotional healing.
3. Systemic feelings are transferred or deferred feelings, which originate from the relatives of
their own family of origin. Often, it is about held back feelings of an ancestor, which for example
did not honestly confront the discussion with their husband or wife. It can also be about feelings
of the living family members as well. For example the held back anger of a mother, which is
transferred to the daughter. The person affected does not know, where these feelings come from.
In terms of the mentioned identification, we are dealing with such transferred feelings and
thoughts.
4. Children’s feelings originate from traumatic experiences of the childhood and back to the time
of birth and pregnancy. The adult often experiences a sudden impact into the emotions of the
child soul in which those former experiences are accumulated. Voice, appearance, and reactions
become very childish (high, whining, sad voices, anxious childish look or defiant anger). One
goes back in time until, according to the feeling, the appropriate situation is found. The group
leader encourages the clients to experience these feelings, which can be intensified by deep, quick
in haling and exhaling. The group leader offers the client physical contact, a safe space to pick up
again on the mostly time interrupted movements towards the mother, to experience through pain
and the deep longing to be held and lead to the goal.
5. Meta-feelings are expressions of our connection to the greater fundamental whole. Here, the
human being is centered, feels sympathy - not pity- with the others. He can respect and honor the
other with his fate and is in unity with the working power. Like standing on a mountain, a little
lonely, this person enjoys the overview and experiences in himself his power and dignity. Meta-
feelings always relate to the larger whole. We experience this spiritual level among others as
thankfulness, trust, astonishment, and as feelings of happiness, which, at the same time agrees
fully to mourning of the finiteness.
The orderly and leading power of the greater Soul (forces of fate) communicate through the
Meta-feelings with us. Some people perceive these energies essentially as angels. Angels unite in
themselves the electrical field of polarity. In other words, they are pretty and terribly powerful at
the same time. The challenge for us is, to get in the touch with the "inner guidance" through the
20

large soul and to dispense with the outer authorities. It is a real conscious achievement to feel for
yourself what, is for one’s self, coherent and healing. We should always understand the human
authorities are only a stimulus to find our own essential. At the gate of heaven, we won't be able
to refer to any human being ("But he said then...."), we always have to take responsibility for
ourselves.
The student honors the teacher,
collects oneself
and with composure goes ahead on his path.
Reinhard Lier
21

Guilt and Innocence -
Conscience & Forgiveness
Bert Hellinger contributed an essential part to elucidating the topic of guilt and innocence as well
as to the question of conscience. The Human being is based, among others on the experience of
becoming guilty. Since we are tied down to polarity in all spheres of life, to experience the
dawning of consciousness (cognitive faculty), we are also subject to alternating forces of guilt
and innocence. Whoever wants to stay completely innocent is incapable of acting. In some
religious circles we find this longing to be innocent. Then one lives in an illusion of being a child
with regard to God and consequently never becomes truly grown-up. Spiritual growth is always
tied to the experience of guilt. No matter what we do, we will experience guilt in all parts of life
(referring to the three mentioned basic needs). This way the experience of guilt becomes an
essential power in personality development.
According to the three basic needs, we experience guilt and innocence as different feelings.
With the need of bonding, and belonging to a group, we experience guilt as a feeling of
jeopardizing our right to belong. If we are threatened with losing our safe space in the group
through our actions that alienate us from the group. In the extreme case, this might lead to
exclusion. In archaic times, such an exclusion meant certain death of the person excluded. With
the development of the Me and through changed living conditions, the dependency of group
bonds has been reduced to a minimum. Naturally, the exclusion is still painful, for example of a
religious group, especially, if the rest of the family continues to belong to this group.
Nevertheless, the excluded person can still survive by himself and can integrate himself in to
other groups (in this sense also the couple relationship). The drawback of a pushed too far (and
overrated) Me-development, according to individual freedom, is today the more and more
becoming isolation. Such apparent boundless freedom leads into lack of security, lack of
popularity and estrangement within their own family roots.
Innocence, in the sense of bonding, is experienced as follows: I may belong, feel secure
and safe. The human being experiences here within the group intimacy and protection.
With the need for balancing between giving and taking, we experience guilt as a feeling of
obligation, of the others “being in guilt”. We feel a pressure, which will be resolved first through
a giving on our part. Innocence is experienced as a claim of balance, that means: the one I gave,
owes me the balance, he is in debt to me. Claim and freedom indicate here the innocence.
With the need for order, we experience guilt as infringement of the law, and feel the fear of
pursuit and punishment. We feel innocent according to honesty and faith to create a sense of
order.
To the question of conscience
Hellinger distinguishes three levels of conscience, which I place here in relation to my model of
the Soul.
In the section of Me, we have the personal conscience, which we feel consciously and perceive
as guilt and innocence. The conscience is being dictated to us from the respective group to which
we belong at the time. So we have a certain conscience at workplace (a certain manner of speech,
certain rules of conduct, values, priorities etc). Another in the couple relationship is the one with
our parents, children, or in the religious group to which we might belong. Always count the rules
of conscience in the context of the respective group, which are more or less different from group
to group.
22

In the child’s Soul the systemic conscience is at work, the conscience of the Soul family, which
stays subconscious and invisible and is not felt. Despite this, we experience its consequences in
the form of previously mentioned entanglements. The systemic conscience will not tolerate the
exclusion of grandmother, when she acts crazy, and is hospitalized to get rid of her. The
granddaughter, suddenly has a fear that she may become crazy. This way she secretly represents
and helps that grandmother to her claim subjected to these forces of systemic conscience. This
unacknowledged guilt of the ancestor leads to severe symptoms, especially to psychosis, and
sometimes to suicide for the later born children and grandchildren. of belonging. She doesn’t
know about this attempt to balance the Soul family, but at the same time is There is often a double
identification with psychosis: The affected person represents two completely different persons, at
the same time, or alternates between– perpetrator and victim. Here, in this case, family
constellations can give an impetus to healing, even though they go to the limits of the authorized
possibility as in this extreme.
Soul has several dimensions. When I talk about soul family, it can be considered on a higher
level as the expression, Soul of the people. If one looks further, a greater whole can be seen,
which expresses itself in a feeling of the conscience of the Soul. This prescribed conscience goes
far beyond the narrow limits of the personal and the systemic conscience. The conscience of the
greater whole talks to us on a Meta-level. Hellinger considers the perception and the acting in
accordance with this Meta-impulses as a personal spiritual achievement. Here the human being
can be in conflict with the three prescribed consciences. Do I, for example, listen to the personal
conscience, which secures me the right of belonging to my group; the conscience of the greater
whole; which talks to me from the depth of the soul which acts against it and gives me other
instruction.
To the Question of the (German) conscience and memory
Following I would like to mention some thoughts on this “hot topic”, which I myself tried to
avoid, especially in my youth. I felt a clear tendency to migrate to America (to become American)
or to cosmopolitanism. It is an essential step in the individual development, to have found the
connection to your own family. This family is integrated in a greater being, which can be called
nation or state. The acknowledgment to our own country of origin is in a special way, for me as
German, an important process within my own Soul, through which the human being experiences
inner depth and rooting. Whoever avoids this event and maybe migrates, because he wants to be
different from his place of origin and his ancestors, to that one in the Soul, the reconciliation with
the inheritance of the “fathers and mothers” is missing. He is missing the power, which can only
flow out of the depth of the reality, as a monstrous reality into his Soul. Here it is about
agreement to whatever happened to that nation in the past. This is an agreement without regrets,
as Bert Hellinger clearly phrases. Regret separates us from the actual happening, creates
distance, which prevents us from developing in unity with the perpetrator and the victims of the
German history. This history, this past was built from our ancestors, and we have all built on to
this heritage, on to the light as well as the dark, on the nice as well as the terrible, whether we like
or not. First the achieved agreement to the reality, as it is (and was), will bring us in unity with the
power of the greater whole, which is secretly at work in all events. We know nothing in
particular about the meaning, but it seems to serve us through the yet - so bad and terrible - to a
higher, living truth. It is this truth of the greater whole, which carries us all – the living as well as
the dead. This secretly greater whole, which fulfills itself within the Soul, is not of our choosing.
The Soul controls us, we do not control the Soul!
The never-ending discussion in Germany about the cruelty of the National Socialists
demonstrates only, that many people refuse this agreement to the former happening, because it is
a too human, need to avoid the terrible. “Hitler, he is somebody else, he has nothing to do with
me.” What about the Hitler in us, that dreadful power, which is potentially asleep in all of us?
23

Whoever is looking carefully realizes: We are exposed to this greater happening of the
fundamental whole, which also expresses itself fully in all wars. Here, we experience a
helplessness. Whoever agrees to this helplessness, carries out a spiritual act, which releases
healing power and lets him be healed. Then, the lacking piece returns in our consciousness, the
excluded, whatever it might have been: perpetrator and victim, guilt and death. This is a religious
achievement, a process in which we experience the unity of the Soul with all beings. Then we
have peace and can let the dead be in peace. We bow to the dead with love and respect, and so to
speak, lay next to them for a while, receive their blessing, let them move on and return ourselves
back into life. It may be over and it may not need any more reminding – then there is peace, and
the new finally may come. Only when the past may be finally finished, instead of being newly
accused daily by the human beings –as “remembering ”, can be more peaceful in the future.
Right remembering necessitates right forgetting. The right way of remembering finishes
the happened past by bringing us in unity with the past. This happens only in a good working
marriage, when old terrible acts are not mentioned anymore, so that we can move on in a good
way. This counts also within the framework of the, so-called, well meant international
understanding. Constantly looking back, you miss the good promises of the present.
This consciously expelling of the dead (of the victim as well as the perpetrator and with that
the ousting of the guilt, whatever extent it might have in each personal, reflects itself in the
reactions of the German post-war-generation. Here, the descendants tried to balance, to pay
for, to atone for, (Operation Suehnezeichen, the taking care of the sick in Israel, protests
against street, or building names, if those names were related in any with the crime of the nazi
regime). It seems as if a “Nazi-identification” exists, even then, when family members were
only witnesses to acts of cruelties. Obviously, this has lead to an attempt to balance through
the descendants. There is an open question, to what effect does the identification with the
victims or something like “Soul of the people” have even when the family was not directly
involved. I have observed a strong tendency of identification with the Jewish people, even
when there was no direct involvement, between myself and others of my generation. This
culminates in imaginations of the gas chambers, or the migration to Israel and the conversion
to Judaism. Here stands certainly not a few people in a seldom spoken conflict, namely on
both sides at the same time: on the perpetrator side and on the side of the victim.
Today, I experience a helpful, releasing picture in my Soul: I lay myself for a while in the
place of both the perpetrators and the victims. They both lay on the battle fields of World War II, I
descend to the very basis and find there united the healing peace. I look at both sides, see the
dead, bow and respect them and their paths. Then, I take something good, beneficial to them,
back with me into my life and surrender myself to the flow of the present with deep strength.
To the question of forgiveness
One controversial point in the posture of Hellinger is the one of forgiveness. Here opinions differ,
at least the one of the Christian West with its good intentions and its magical imaginations of
Hellingers approach, who thinks of forgiveness as not appropriate. Not appropriate because, with
the forgiveness along goes the imagination as if one could undo the happening. Exactly that does
not work: I can’t, as the victim acquit the culprit of his guilt. If I, as the culprit, beg the victim for
forgiveness, then I burden the victim with the happening a second time. This posture also turns
the proportions upside-down. The superior culprit, for example the father, in the case of incest,
while asking the daughter -the victim- for forgiveness, becomes himself small and the daughter is
put in the position of the big, as if she had the power to free him from the consequences of his
actions. Then the daughter has to bear the burden of abuse a second time by wanting-to-forgive.
24

One can imagine, this concrete case: A person is attacked, robbed, and severely injured.
The culprit is then chased and arrested. He has become guilty by causing pain to the victim. This
guilt belongs to him, to his personal fate. Can forgiveness, in terms of an oral explanation on the
part of the victim, delete this guilt – and may this acquittal be so seriously meant? What guilt can
approximately delete, if at all, might be a balancing out. Either the victim revenges at the culprit
(in other words a balancing out in the worse: the victim becomes guilty as well) or the culprit
does compensation, of which the victim rightly may take advantage. Anyone who has been
entangled in culpable situations knows that most of the time, the good intentions of forgiveness
remains theory, but in practice the most inner feeling is not being satisfied. What is the solution?
If I have understood Hellinger right, then the solution is in following posture:
I, myself, am guilty, take this guilt as part of my (accept responsibility) fate and carry it. It
belongs to me. Whoever wants to (cheaply) forgive (takes), does not serve me in a good way,
because in the deepest point of my inner, I feel that I have to carry something which belongs to
me. With this guilt, my dignity as a human being goes hand in hand, because out of the accepted
guilt originates the dignity of my personality. On top of that, you are quite at liberty to search for
ways to create a good balancing out with the victim. If the compensation to the victim is not
possible, then I can do other good in remembrance of the victim. This atones – the Living as well
as the Dead.
Did somebody place guilt on me, then I leave the guilt with him, the culprit. I leave his acting
with him. This way I can find peace and withdraw from the culprit. If the culprit wants to atone,
then it is good for me to acknowledge his intentions and take his offering. Even the culprit has a
right to balance out, as far as this is possible on earthly level. Essentially to me seems the
following: By leaving to guilt with the culprit and withdrawing from him, I free myself in the
most humanly sensitive way from him. Often the victim holds on to the terrible event, and
remains in the accusing position, then ponders secretly of revenge. Then the terrible past is being
continued endlessly and the victim causes damage to himself in all his innocence – he finds no
peace. The prize of the continuing charge or the longing of revenge is a “poisoned heart”. If the
victim agrees to the happened event, then out of this helplessness arises a healing peace.
Here, another aspect of Hellinger seems important to me: Do I forgive somebody, and find him
guilty at the same time, because without guilt, there is no forgiveness. The other is being
humiliated and I elevate myself above him.
In sense of humanity, the posture of mercy is recommended to bring conciliatory power in the
strained (interhuman) relationship. This mercy is at work quietly and hidden and has its
connecting effect among human beings. The mercy-practicing-person overlooks a mistake, an
offence, a guilt. This way, confidence can grow and the relationship continues.
But there are situations, in which the guilt is too big and mercy is not appropriate. Murder would
be the most extreme example of when compensation is no longer possible anymore. Then, the
culprit has to carry his guilt, without expecting forgiveness and the victim or the relatives must
carry the pain. The bereaved looking to the victim is, for both sides the most appropriate posture,
which serves the Soul.
There are two groups of sinners:
The so-called bad and those who want to harm them.
The second group is called the just.
Bert Hellinger (4)
25

The living and the dead
Thanks to Bert Hellinger, the meaning of dead for the well-being of the living has been
recognized and transferred into practical, healing steps. The dead also belong to the family system
and have an effect on the living. I, myself have researched this intensively since the beginning of
the 80’s on the whereabouts of the dead and the possible difficulties. I was able to gain valuable
insights in dealing with the dead. In face of the dominating “material consciousness” and the
pseudo-esoteric out-growth in terms of cult of the dead and questioning of the dead, serious
research is long overdue. With help of the family constellation hidden interactions between living
and dead became visible. It is highly pleasant, now that the different problems of Bert Hellinger,
Albrecht Mahr and other colleges are being described and to demonstrate how to resolve these
problems (seminar in Kassel, March 1999)
Years ago, I went into details on this topic in my book “Dying In The Sign Of
Transformation”. Following, I combine the essential insights of Hellinger and other researchers,
as well as my own experiences.
Out of the hidden , we step into the revelation, into the world. The secret of life flows through our
ancestors and parents directly into us. For a while we experience the being-on-earth and with that
the area of conflict of polarity, the separation of Me and you. So, in the Me awakens the longing
of unity, the overcoming of the split, which is an essential motive of couple relationship. This
unity on earth is not easy to accomplish, existing at best in seldom moments. Unity is on the
other side of death. When with age, the Me leans stronger toward the Soul and connects with the
soul, then the desire becomes perceptible to sink back into the hidden, the origin. Through
physical death, the transition of the Me-consciousness within the soul away from the body into
the greater whole, is being fulfilled. Body and Soul show their dialogue with one another. At the
same time this is a big event for the Soul, which happens right through the Me and goes far
beyond the personal. The Soul is not available to the Me, yet at the same time, the Soul embraces
the Me. I am the witness, and at the same time expected to make decisions and to use a small
scope of action. But an open question remains, how free I am really – in sense of the Me. With
the final transition of the Me-consciousness into the world of the Soul, (this means the world of
the dead: “dead” simply means to have left the material body irrevocably, but spiritually continue
to live) often, and maybe strange sounding, the problematic nature results:
The dead does not realize, that he has died, he didn’t consciously perceive the process of death.
This circumstance happens especially when it is about a sudden death (car accident, heart attack)
or if the death happened in a state of euphoria. These dead are often confused and want to
continue with their normal habits. They exist among the living, but aren’t perceived by them most
of the time. Out of this, sometimes develops the phenomenon of haunting. The dead get more,
and more upset and angry about their new situation. Then the bereaved family often feel that
something is not right and react with fear, panic, night marrows up to a clear perception of the
dead.
What is there to do? Often I ask the bereaved family, “Whose death it could be about?” If I
know the circumstances of the death, I can talk to the dead and lead him again to the deathbringing
situation. The dead then sees his own dead body and becomes fully conscious of the
facts of his death. Further, he continues to feel very much alive, thus indicating the so called Soul
or consciousness. When the dead is more or less open and approachable, then this process of
awakening in the “other world” begins. This is almost comparable with a birth. He grows into the
new circumstances and possibilities (mentally traveling to other places, floating through walls
etc.)
If the client is open to it, the Enlightenment can be carried out in view of the dead . For
this, a private session is very helpful. The client relaxes himself on a couch and I let myself make
26

a connection with his and my Soul as well as the greater whole. Which is in itself a result all by
itself. Pictures and feelings might appear, whatever. One pays attention to all impetuses, which
arise inwardly. Sometimes a story develops, a resolving picture, which I verbally transmit and in
which I include the client as well his deceased relative.
Especially within the framework of family constellation demonstrates the encounter with
the deceased person (with help of the representative) as a far-reaching event. The representative
experience often in an impressive way which reveals the exact entanglements of the person
involved. The group leader remains continuously in touch with the greater whole, itself revealing
the Soul family, the “knowing field” as Albrecht Mahr has phrased.
The Soul answers and shows to solution, if the persons present remain collective and
open. The solution is received, not made. It lets us be astonished. Then we can respect, in deep
sympathy, the fate of each and leave it with him. I may stay with myself, yet I am connected with
all. Some solving solution is being carried out. I feel it is good even though I might not have
understood or comprehend it all.
In terms of family tree recording, it is definitely important to do some research on how
the person died , because it can happen, that the involved feelings could be transferred on to the
living. Or the descendants pick up and represent these heavy fates. For example, they suffer
from major fears, when a fire breaks out somewhere (if somebody was burned was burnt former )
or a thunderstorm rages (if somebody got struck by lightening). Or when someone is cold every
night and has difficulty in breathing, (could indicate a relative died during an avalanche).
Even the place of death can be of importance. When I, years ago, bought my place in
Oberreute, the deceased previous owners were still walking around this house. Even friends of
mine felt that we were not alone – especially at night, which caused uneasiness in some of us. The
couple that had built this house, and had lived there for a long time, was very sad that their sons
had sold the house. They tried for more than two years after their death to prevent this. Over, and
over, again the negotiations failed shortly before the legally certified selling. Now I had acquired
the house, in which the death of the previous owner had become an advantage for me, because
only this way was I able to acquire the house. So inwardly, I turned myself to both the previous
owners and spoke in my mind to them. I thanked them for the well built house and promised to
use it for a good purpose. Their effort should not have been for nothing. I also wanted to turn this
house in something good in memory of them. Furthermore, I asked them to now move forward
into the other world and to entrust themselves with their good guidance. Maybe, somewhere they
may build a new house. After several weeks they had moved on, I felt very clearly that
Peacefulness had come.
Every so often, we experience gain and loss as two essential forces in our life. It is good
for us to acknowledge, when somebody else had paid a price and we take advantage at his
expense. Also we always live at the expense of others, and others live at the expense of us.
Everything and everyone is, in a mysterious way, connected with one another. If I use the street to
drive on, many people have built it and paid for it. Me, as an individual, I profit from the
commitment of many. Whatever the nature of the gain might be, (e.g. heritage) it can only be
taken well and have a positive effect in the future. W hen I receive the donation in humility and
respect the giver – as undeserved luck. This applies even more, when the givers are deceased
ancestors, the living often feel an unbearable advantage, because they are alive and the other are
already dead. This is human imagination, because the family constellation shows how peaceful,
calm and relaxed most deceased look at the living from a distance – and they look friendly! For
them their path on the earth is already past and the greater soul carries them benevolently on.
They themselves experience neither advantage nor disadvantage with regard to the living.
27

Here, the question we are concerned about is: How can the living and the dead find peace with
one another, so that each one can go on their appropriate path in unity with the power of the
Greater Soul?
Sometimes the dead cannot find peace, because they are confused and search for clear
orientation. Often the living hold on to the dead and don’t want to let them move on. This holding
on to the dead is like a human, who presses with all his power against the current of a river. Such
resistance creates pain and entanglement. When a mother, as I saw it in a family constellation,
wants to follow her child who had deceased over 20 years ago. She does not respect the limit of
death and does not let the old, with all its pain, end. She doesn’t let the child move on in peace. A
later daughter appears and suffers from anorexia. She says, on the level of the child’s soul, to the
mother: “I would rather go than you, dear mommy”! Family constellations often serve to
demonstrate the limits of acting and of wanting. Peace can spread out only when the client
experiences understanding and respect concerning the limits.
During the consultation with the client, one has to pay close attention to the statements
and body language. The statement of a client, regarding her early deceased aunt, “She is still yet
around me”, is meant to be positive in the sense of good company. Only later it became clear to
me, that there was a major entanglement and the dead aunt, who had died from a blood disease
still could not have peace. The client herself suffered from a blood disease as did her daughter.
The magic loving look, when she said that sentence “She is still yet around me” revealed her
secret, deep movement toward the dead.
The healing posture
Who honors him, that one is guided by the dead.
Who flees him, that one is caught up by him.
Bert Hellinger (Kassel, 1999)
An especially healing effect is experienced when the participants of family constellations have a
good, healthy connection to the deceased and to death itself:
The living
• Give the dead a place in their hearts
• Take the good gifts from them thankfully
• Keep the dead in a place of honor
• Respect their effect
• Let their guilt and personal problems go with them
• Bow to their fate
• Agree that death is a transforming power, as essential part of the movement of life, and
then turn to face normal life in a new way.
In connection with guilt and innocence, the following question appears, “Do the dead want, that
we the living take revenge on the culprits?” Most of the time the following appears: The dead,
who fulfilled the process of dying in a good way do not want revenge. Obviously, they feel in the
depth of the greater Soul, the unity of all power, in which they experience the different human
perspectives. They also experience the ones on earth fighting one another’s position, too. It
became clear to me after viewing a TV documentary about the pursuit of KZ-culprit Eichmann.
The Mossad-agent described, how he succeeded in locating Eichmanns wife and sneaking in the
house as a friend. Although Eichmann himself never turned up there. One day this woman
entrusted her children to him, he was supposed to take a rowing trip on a mountain lake with
28

them. As he was with the children alone on the lake, he felt his opportunity approaching. Now, he
was able to hurt Eichmann, by murdering his children. As the murder thoughts were inside of
him, his deceased mother appeared in front of him. She shook her head again and again to express
a clear “don’t do it”. So, he as unable to carry out his plan.
I listen to the breath of the origin
In the deepest darkness of the night
I listen to the heavy breath of the origin,
that bears ten thousand things with pain,
they step glorious into the broad daylight
and flow in the roundelay of being.
For a while you may dance, Souls
strutted into the free field of earth,
where heat and cold, light and shadow
determines the journey.
But after a while
the sweet longing drives you
back into the lap of the resting origin.
Good to the one,
who feels the moment of the truth thankfully
and in gleaming light of the midday sun
the bowing in front of the infinity carried out with dignity.
He came to the being,
because he respected the limits of the earth
and foresees the secret of the source.
Peaceful he returns back happy
to the space less room of the eternity.
Reinhard Lier
29

The couple relationship
Group leader to client: “What are you missing?”
Client: “A partner!”
Group leader: “A partner or a man?”
Client: “A man!”
The couple relationship counts, on the sense of bonding, and of given and taking, to the
fundamental needs of a human being.
The connection between man an woman, and the giving and taking of male and female,
serve the deep longing for the different, namely that which is missing from the man or woman. To
experience the female, the man is looking for the encounter with the woman. He lets himself give
as a gift to her the female power and nature. The woman experiences the male, meanwhile, by
searching for the encounter with the man and let herself give as a gift to him the male power and
nature. The need that each has for the other’s lacking part and the renunciation to develop it alone
in one’s self, shows the couple relationship as a meaningful and worthwhile experience.
Deeply hidden, man and woman both feel this longing for unity, which, only in seldom
moments on this earth, becomes perceptible. Unity is beyond the duality of this world. First, the
dead move slowly closer to it.
This inability to achieve unity, is perceived as painful sorrow, as big as the luck of the
couple relationship might be. Always, as close as man and woman might have experienced one
another , in the end, everyone is alone.
Hellinger has observed very clearly the basic order and conditions for the successful outcome of
couple relationship. Later, I will discuss homosexual relationships in more detail, which can be
seen as a couple relationship as well, but obviously is fundamentally different from the
heterosexual relationship. (Children as an expression of the fertility of a relationship is naturally
denied to them).
In the relationship of man and woman two completely different family of origins meet
one another. Both become somewhat unfaithful to their family of origin, if their relationship is to
succeed. Partially, old values and norms have some influence in the new system, but also the old
will be given up. This counts for both, man and woman. Both meet each other as an equal partner
and respect the other in view of their different qualities: “ You are totally different, but right”!
Nobody makes the other become like him or herself. The mutual respect of the different nature,
next to connecting love, is an essential basis for the successful outcome of the couple
relationship. The course at the first meeting of man and woman usually shows very clearly, if
love flows and what possibilities arise from it. It is these first thirty or even only three minutes,
maybe only three seconds, in which the soul of the one communicates and experiences with the
Soul of the other, that works on common ground and connection of forces. We talk about a deep
soul movement, which only can perceived, if the Me is open to these forces. Some people do not
notice it until much later, because they are very fond of the other and are deeply in love. This is a
question of the inner perception. Whoever is controlled too much by the Me and therefore the
“mind” intention, that one perceives the infinite movements of the Soul much less clearly.
The feeling of being in love most of the time forms the beginning of a relationship, but it
alone is not to be trusted, because it means secretly, in the end, the desire is for the mother and
not the concrete partner. It is the feeling of a child, who longs for the heavenly fulfillments of all
desires. This child wants primary only to take, but the mature love is able to give as well. As
30

Hellinger strikingly phrased it one time: being in love is blind and the love knowing. And we
know that: In the phase of being tremendously on love we don’t see very clearly, we are not quite
rational. The partner becomes a projection surface for all our longings. We believe only he or she
ca n fulfill them. Therefore it is not recommended to fall head over heals in love in this period of
time. Getting to know each other is called for, namely to answer the question: Who are you
really?
The falling in love goes on for weeks, even month and then in general slowly wears off.
Then the work begins. Do I really want the other, is he/ she important to me? There are several
questions, which everyone should confront:
1. Can I stand with this woman/man in public fully and completely? Would I love to go with
her/ him to a ceremonial banquet at the president in front of TV cameras?
2. Can I imagine having a daughter with her/ a son with him, who looks exactly like her/
him?
3. Would I like to take care of him/her in old age?
The getting-to-know-phase should last at least 6 to 12 months. They get together and do many
things together. Go with him/her to the top of a mountain, out for dinner, into a swimming pool.
After that, you know more. How does the other react, can he/she show consideration, eat with
knife and fork, do I find him/ her physically attractive? If there are major limitations and the
behavior of the other makes you feel embarrassed, then the first problems are obvious. Pay
attention to your feelings, to all fine perceptions. In conversations, you find out more about their
philosophy of life and religious values. It requires a high degree of connection – about 70 %, is
desirable, so that a permanent relationship can develop out of your meeting. Man and woman are
already so completely different that completely different natural interests and philosophies of life
can only have a separating effect.
Also if the sexual attraction, is an ecstasy of the first emotions, then the demands on us
are often very strong, a certain waiting time can not harm – quite the reverse! Because they often
mix up lust with love, two totally different levels. My impression today is: With respect to the
sexual encounter, it happens way too fast for many people, and the Soul cannot catch up. The
sexual fulfillment has developed in an inflationary way. Of course, this all also succeeds without
love, but do you really want that? What happens on the morning after? How do you feel then?
Does such a relationship have a future? It seems as if sex becomes more and more of a drug. At
least in the anonymous self-help groups, sex addiction, is a well-known phenomenon, from
which more and more men suffer. Behind this drug, the addiction process is hidden, which shows
the actual illness. There many objects of addiction, as a matter of fact, anything can become an
object of addiction. It could even be stamps (because if I rob a bank in order to acquire the
famous “Blue Mauritius”, then I consider this as a sickly event). I mention this topic, because
more and more relationships are being destroyed by the dynamics of addiction . I refer to the
books of the American psychotherapist Anne Wilson-Schaef (“Co-dependency”, “In the age of
addiction”).
If love is supposed to succeed, then complete commitment is also necessary. Some are
afraid of this complete commitment, because old pains and disappointments obstruct the way to
something new. Then they would rather play with half the strength, hoping the end will not be so
painful. Deep inside we know: Everything on earth has a beginning and an end, even romantic
attachment. Their own death or the death of the partner will teach us the last big lesson – the
death, this big transformer, which accompanies us everywhere at all times, quietly and shadowy.
The full commitment starts with the inner composure: I feel deep longing for a woman/
a man, but I don’t start running and searching. I stay right by me . I can live well by myself, treat
myself lovingly, I am happy with myself and in peace. I trust in the guidance of my Soul! It
31

carries me, it controls me and gives me the suitable at the right time. I let myself be lead by the
Soul and pay attention to the impulses, which come from deep down inside. Then the waiting or
the acting can be called for. Suddenly I feel the need to go somewhere without knowing why. “To
meet love without looking for it. This is the path to find it”, as the wise Krishnamurti phrased it.
The unintentional being, from our own center, arising, experiencing the world in agreement, as
the world is, that means to experience unity with the Soul. I want nothing, because I don’t need to
want anything to get somewhere. The coherence results, it is placed, it comes to me – without
any effort. Here, the confidence and humility are everything. One is at the power of being’s
mercy, withdraw into the clear center – and everything can happen all by itself. This is a religious
attitude, which knows of its own helplessness in view of the love. The real love withdraws itself
from the petty access of the Me (Hellinger). It is not comprehensible, verifiable, controlling. It
comes however it wants to come. I admit to myself this helplessness, align myself straight with it
and power is being released on deep levels. However, my life happens, out of this unity it will be
very good.
The heretical belief is in the illusion of the powerful Me, as if we ever had anything under
control. No, our Me-part is so minute! The ten thousand things degrees by fate in mysterious
ways to create a large overall picture. Therefore: Stay in the flow, trust your inner guidance!
Whoever discusses inwardly, whether this man/ this woman is the right one, has already lost.
Then advise against doing it, because in general this ambivalence means No. That which is
coherent, we know immediately. We feel it! Then we don’t need any reason , which at last is
nothing but food for the intellect. Also going to a clairvoyant reflects uncertainty and is a sign of
“No, it does not work this way!”
When you do not know what to do, then you should wait and collect yourself anew.
Never take a partner, because you are afraid of being alone. Then you will be terribly alone in the
marital bed. The finding of one’s self, whatever it might mean for the individual person, is a basic
requirement for the successful outcome of a couple relationship. All fusion fantasies in the sign of
embryonic longing: the blissful being nourished in the body of the mother. To perceive oneself as
an independent person and to agree (to love one’s self), that would be a lot. Then, you long for an
equal partner, who can deal with him/herself well and live by him/herself. You say: “I can live
well without you, but I don’t want to, I would like to share many experiences, I would like to
grow with you.” The sentence “Without you I can not live!” is not an evidence of love but much
more a secret threat. It is a sentence of a child to his mother.
So, outwardly, we attract only partners who correspond to our inner attitude. When
we feel a tormenting lack, we become a magnet for people, who are in a similar situation. Only
those who have realized the full extent of being and are not desperately searching anymore in the
outer world, to those can also be added everything outwardly.
Back to the couple relationship. After getting to know one another for about one year,
which includes sexuality (because you should know before you move in together, if you can
really smell and feel the other well!). You move in together and get to know each other even
more. Only after six to twelve months more the desire to get married and have children might
arise. Certain rhythms are observed. It becomes very clear when time has been wasted . Two
people who don’t move in together even after four years or those who get married only after eight
years living together and most of the time the divorce follows promptly. The question is always:
To what extent expresses a clear Yes for one another, or both partners in their way of life? Or is i t
secretly: “I don’t want you all the way, I will wait to see if I find something better.” If having
children is refused, it is often a reliable sign for a No to the partner: “I want no children”
sometimes means more precisely, “ I want no children from you – but from another suitable
partner, yes!”
32

The happiness of a couple relationship certainly does not depend on getting married. Yet
the marriage seals it, and says yes to one another and demonstrates it to the world. Whoever
wants security must be disappointed here of course, because the couple relationship is the most
uncertain in the world. Daily, we must work on the relationship and check the respect for one
another and the appreciation of another. Love is also a decision, at best from day to day newly: “
Today I want to live with you, today I want to give and take – with love!” Here of course,
concrete action is demanded as well: the common dining out, experiencing of nature and culture,
the vacation, working together on a project, the hours of intimacy without any outward
disturbance . Even when demanding children are there, such “couple time” is necessary and
should be carried out. Children can stay sometimes at grandparents’ or good friends’ place.
Children do well, when the parents feel good as a couple. Children stand and fall with their
parents.
A couple exists from two individuals who are not only totally different on the basis of
being man and woman. This different quality may and is supposed to be like that, we should care
for it: The man associates with men, the woman associates with women. Men and women
friendships brighten up couple relationships. Each one has their circle and may develop and enjoy
their persons. From this results valuable impulses for the meeting of man and woman. Two
people, two worlds. The look, the word and the touch connect: Exchange! Both give and take
alternately: small as well as big, ordinary as well as extraordinary. Creating a great deal in
common is exactly what connects. This takes time, time together! The person who doesn’t have
time for a partnership, should not have a partnership or one has to be content with brief affairs.
Maybe this is because he is continuously fleeing from an inner painful lack. Partnership has to do
with dedication and enjoyment and here the art of slowness is demanded. Without this
investment of time the Soul cannot fulfill itself – a hot topic in our time. Because everything is
oriented toward “fast”, starting with lacking culture fast-food up to “fast sex”. Real enjoyment is
taking control of more and more people, because enjoyment needs two things: dedication and
time!
Everybody may, and should, withdraw sometimes to stay in touch with their own inner
Me. The dream of the uninterrupted togetherness or even symbiosis is something sickening. The
perception of the other can only succeed, if I clearly can perceive myself: with my feelings, my
thoughts, and my bodily sensations. Whoever keeps walking around the forest all the time cannot
see the trees consciously and clearly anymore. To back out into the desert is then beneficial. After
that, the beauty and uniqueness of the tree is felt again. Every once and a while I get to hear from
older happy couples, how beneficial it is for them to experience two separate bedrooms. Just
because they respect and maintain at times the space which is between them, they perceive one
another consciously and are full of longing. A thought to consider, which probably has to be
experienced to be believed. The longed-for beneficial closeness in a couple relationship lives
of one’s own free will kept distance. Life always is of two contrasting movements, which
complete each other as well. Inhale and exhale, awake and asleep, hold on and let go. Whoever
wants only one part of this double movement, lives one-sidedly, loses balance and becomes ill
(whoever only inhales and doesn’t want to give the air away, becomes asthmatic and runs the risk
of death). Wise are those, who agree to both movements and carry them out consciously. They
experience then the unity beyond, and become healed and whole.
The present system ( the emerging couple relationship) takes precedence over the
family of origin. This is important to realize, because the family of origin may not have too much
effect on the present family, not to suppress it, so to speak. It is true, the parents always like to
give the children the so well-meant advice, but the children are supposed to do as they please.
Essential here, is that the parent respect their son’s or daughter’s choice of partner (even if they
are not delighted with the choice).
33

Because being a man or a woman is the basis for the couple formation we need to question the
relationship of the man to his father and the woman to her mother. A son becomes a man on the
side with his father and a daughter becomes a woman on the side with her mother. The takingwell
of the same sex parent facilitates the strong flow of the male or female power. With the
mother, the son cannot receive any male energy. Is he the mother’s son, then the woman is in a
difficult position, because he has already a woman. Like a friend of a client precisely phrased it:
“You have me completely first, when my mother has passed away”. Such a sentence expresses
everything. The woman has been waiting for three years to be introduced to his family. The
mother’s son loves the excuse not to commit and is afraid of standing by the woman completely.
He doesn’t want to disappoint his mother (“cheat on”). The same counts correspondingly for the
father’s daughter.
Therefore, the movement of the son should be stronger towards his father at
approximately the ages 5 through 10 . He should be closer to his father. Vice versa the daughter:
she stands closer to her mother. This counts also in view of the same sex ancestor, so to speak
grandfathers and grandmothers. In the work of constellation the son receives the male power
when he has his father and of him again his father behind him. Such a male power line creates, in
the soul, a healthy identity as a man, if the father was respected and taken by heart. The already
mentioned interrupted movement towards may show itself as an obstacle. Here the possibility of
family constellation comes into place to make up for lacking movements in the Soul and leads to
the goal.
Love and wisdom
Man and woman come to a wise man and ask:
We feel the love of life for one another,
but the pain always remains a pain, as an insatiable lasting thing,
which stands like a wall between us.
What do we do?
The wise man spoke:
Whoever wants so much closeness out of love,
does good to respect the distance.
Because like everything, when it shall flow,
it needs two opposing movements,
also the love here on earth fulfills itself
in man and woman,
in giving and taking,
in lovingly welcoming and in letting go,
in sweetest closeness and most painful distance.
Whoever wants the fresh breathe of wind,
that one takes a deep breathes,
and lets go again right after.
and whoever picks the rose,
knows it will end.
He tastes the beauty of the moment
and is willing,
to say good bye.
So it is wisdom,
which gives love as a gift.
Knowing of time and space
34

does so without having,
and lives in the being of the moment.
The having-to-want fails because of time,
it sets a limit to the greatest love on earth.
Whoever feels that,
is very close to the death,
and feels the life,
the preciousness of the moment,
and agrees collectively.
He became from the having-one
to the being-one,
he remains in the now.
Then they looked at each other as man and woman,
thankful for each moment
and went along their path quietly.
Reinhard Lier
Important conditions for the succeeding of couple relationship
• Respect former stable relationships, of their own, as well as those of their partners.
• Intimate issues of former relationships are not discussed.
• If one of the partners brings along children from former relationships, then those children
are primary to the childless partner, which means they will always come first for the
father/ mother, so to speak, before the new partner.
• Nobody tries to assert themselves against the other, with their own values and opinions.
Each one is willing, to give up their own interest in favor of a basis together.
• Nobody tries to train the other (“as you are, you are right for me”)
• Nobody tries to control the other. Each one put trust in the other.
• Both desire and grant, both want one another in the same degree.
• Both stand by the other totally, also in public. The marriage seals this public confession,
because love is also a decision. So full, wholehearted commitment is achieved and full
gain is possible.
• Both are emotionally open for personal growth.
• There are many common interests, life topics and values
• Time together (closeness!) is planned consciously, but each one may (and must) have
time for oneself (distance!) as well, because the good closeness results from the
healthy distance! All imagination of permanent melting together is childish fantasies,
which must always lead to failure. Serfdom portrays such a sickly structure. Here it is a
35

matter of an addiction for relationship, of which one gives up oneself and only lives
through the partner.
• Both give and take, which should increase throughout the period of relationship. Giving
and taking has a bonding effect.
There are “terrible sentences” which put pressure on the partner and limit the love strongly.
These sentences should absolutely be avoided: “Do you love me?” If you don’t feel the love of
the other person, then it is too late anyway. You have to love me more!” However, when we do, is
that achieved? One has to put the desire in concrete terms, so that the other knows, when he/she
has achieved it. “I cannot imagine a life without you!” This sentence puts enormous pressure on
the other, because now he/she has to stay, because otherwise a tragedy might happen. “If you
leave me, then I commit suicide!” All suicide threats poison and destroy the couple relationship.
Actually, at this point the threatened one should leave immediately (or search for help).
• Both have a healthy self-esteem, can love themselves and live by themselves as well.
Then naturally, jealously is not a subject anymore. Whoever is jealous, cannot, or may
not, in sense of family entanglements, keep the partner. Secretly, he wants to get rid of
him.
• Both harmonize with one another: spiritually, mentally and physically (sexually).
• There are goals in common, which go beyond couple relationships. Under normal
circumstances, this is having children together, but it also could involve a professional or
private field.
• If there are children, the couple relationship has precedence over them. First of all it
counts also, take care of the couple relationship and to support the love, which flows in it,
by giving and taking. Then this loves flows through the partner into the child. The
children are relieved, when parents are happy, because the relationship of the parents is
the foundation of life. The parents should drop off the children with the grandparents
once in awhile and take a (short-) trip for themselves. This healing measure nourishes
their love!
• The couple relationship of the parents is none of the children’s business. They have to
take the parents as they are and cannot demand anything (“You should be different, then I
will take you…”). Parents must expect themselves to the children as they are – with all
“rough edges”. The passing-on-of-life is larger than all human shortcomings.
Respect for the other sex means:
To let the other give to oneself,
But keep its secret.
Bert Hellinger (6)
Where does the couple relationship leads to today?
In the course of the years we can observe, that the couple relationship has experienced an
enormous change. A hundreds years ago, one stayed together for better for worse, until death do
they part , no matter how disharmonic or full of tension the relationship might have been. The 50
36

years-hold out-program is in view of an increasing individualization of our society, is certainly
out-dated. Men and women want to develop and follow on their personal talents and desires.
Nowadays it has become almost normal to have more than one partner (solid relationship) in a
life and I don’t see anything wrong with that. It is always about development, and self-awareness
and nowhere else does one get to know oneself as well as in the couple relationship. On the one
hand, we long for security and steadiness in our relationship, and on the other hand we are subject
to the strong spiritual process of growth, from which no one can really escape. We don’t exactly
know, where the greater Soul guides us , or what it plans for us. Which ways of life and lifestyles
can continue to exist, which are out-dated? The main problem shows us the human aspiration to
possession and the need for power: “Now you belong (to) me, now I can take advantage of you .
Now you are committed to account to me and to my faith.”
More and more people are reluctant to these demands. This way the love cannot flow,
instead it will be suppressed because of such a security endeavor. We have no control over the
course of our further development. We don’t know, what we will feel regarding a partner in 5 or
20 years. Human allegiance might mean well, but that is far from the reality of the living soul. A
“solid relationship” doesn’t really exist in this sense, because the couple relationship is always
dynamic and changes continuously. That is why we are just human beings, who cannot escape
from the flow of life. The sentence “ Why did you not stay the person you were, when I met
you?” is a terrible statement to make. This hurts the dignity of the other deeply. Man and woman
are, and remain, individuals and only build as a couple from two completely different beings.
The separation often is unavoidable, if they develop in completely different directions. We are not
free; as if we had all the forces of the soul in control; as if we need only the “good will” and then
everything would go on together. Life is more complex than psychological counselors often will
admit. With positive programming one can escape into cosmetics, which always remain on the
surface, and cannot consider deep family entanglements. The question also arises, which fate is
meant to be for a human being? Is a permanent , peaceful couple relationship with children even
a question for him or her. Some people are so involved in their work that a normal marriage with
children would not be sensible. In general, they must accept this fact that their life plan with all of
its creative potential must exclude children. The fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld certainly is such
a person. On the subject “woman and children”, all he can do is to vehemently put it off, because
for that he is just not meant to be. He is completely satisfied and happy with what fulfills him at
work.
I will simply provide these questions to think about. Bert Hellinger himself emphasized,
that the observed order swings, unfolds themselves, and are subject to change. There is nothing
rigid or disregarded as absolute for all times, because the future, the river of the Soul, itself
evades us. Throughout the future, man and woman remain the strongest and literally the most
fertile area of conflict, which we can experience here on earth – and which gives us the most
happiness and inner growth.
What jeopardizes the couple relationship
In the case of a partners inability to bear children, due to illness, the healthy partner should either
agree to do without children, deep from his/her heart, or leave the partner. If the healthy partner
stays with the sick partner, then that partner should respect the agreement to not have children,
and understand it. At this point artificial insemination should be considered. If the ovum and
sperm cells originate from the original couple, then this can mean complete fulfillment for both
man and woman. However, here we get into the questionable limits of modern science and we
have to ask the question, does the Soul help to provide all of this. Only because something is
possible, does not mean, that we can handle it mentally. The transplant of organs shows clearly
how much the Soul defends against such far-reaching steps. The physical reaction to reject the
new organ, and the frequent failure of the organs affected, show a clear direction.
37

If the man is infertile, and the woman receives the sperm from the sperm donor, then the
relationship is finished. The man is not the father of the child and inwardly feels this truth
very clearly. The mutual relinquishment of having a child would be the better solution, or the
woman should look for a new man.
An abortion burdens the love very much, and therefore, the continuance of the relationship is
questioned. Hellinger talks about the necessity of a difficult new beginning as in a second
relationship, generally the first bonding is over. The refusal of the partner reflects in the refusal
of the child, because the child has both, father and mother, in him/herself. In my book on the
topic “abortion” I have occupied myself with the consequences of an abortion in years prior.
Often the aborted souls find no peace and accompany the affected women over the years.
Depressions, physical illness, and suicidal thoughts are often the consequences. In addition, some
women have no successful relationships later on, and remain alone to punish themselves. What is
necessary here, is the conversation with the aborted child. In the constellation it comes for the
first time, literally into sight. Only now, it is seen as a “feeling being” opposite her. The woman
says “Only now I can see you” and, if painful sympathy becomes apparent with the child, “I’m so
sorry” is the beginning of a deep process of reconciliation. The assumption of responsibility for
the abortion on the part of the mother (and the father) is a precondition, though. Then, the child is
taken for a while (6-9 month) into their own life, and the mother shares her joy over the beautiful
things on earth with the child. The pain from the death of the child and the including of the Soul
in the enjoyment of the beauty, have a reconciling effect. This is the good solution, which, then
leads to saying goodbye to the child, so that both, mother and child can move along their path,
peacefully. Naturally, what is spoken has to be seen with regard to the father of the child as well.
He is, even with a little less measure, (because the last word always depends on the mother) not
free of responsibility.
Of course, the circumstances of the abortion must be considered: Are there medical
reasons, for example, was the mother’s health jeopardized? Was the very young woman,
pressured by relatives, when, in the end, she stood by herself. Did both want the abortion, or did
one want to have the child. We notice this as well, as in many other subjects, that we are free to
decide one way or another. The big freedom ends there, where the consequences of own acting
begin. These effects are necessary to be taken, because we are not free of them.
Group leader to the man, whose wife separated from him and who is now upset:
“Stay for a while with your pain. Afterwards, look with gentleness at the woman and respect,
what good you got from her. In general, one only starts to look with gentleness at the age of 60,
but some accomplish this earlier.”
Separation and divorce – the end of a couple relationship
Every couple relationship ends, at the latest, with death. Many people have difficulties accepting
this fact. The pain at the end is terrible and difficult. Not wanting to feel this pain, many couples
escape into substitute feelings, such as anger and hate, because these feelings are easier to bear
than the pain of the end.
Today, many relationships end before the death. Although, when for example the
development of both partners, go in completely different directions, the step out of the
relationship, is generally accompanied by feelings of guilt. This is a gamble-- the right of
affiliation to the couple relationship which is experienced as feelings of guilt, precisely as
alienation, and painful exclusion. Hellinger distinguishes between bonding and love. The bonding
38

emains after a separation, the love breaks into pieces. Many expect too much of love. It will bear
pain, and heal and dissolve guilt. Love cannot fulfill these high expectations. Despite the fact that
love can take a lot, but whoever oversteps the mark of love, causes the break up. Therefore, the
longing for affiliation, the fear of painful consequences, takes us firmly in hand, so that our
behavior serves, supports, and strengthens the preservation of the couple relationship.
Love often breaks into pieces due to entanglements with the family of origin. This
entanglements have a destroying effect on the couple relationship e.g. in the sense of the shifting
of feelings from the restrained anger of the mother (towards her husband) directed at her
daughter, who then directs this anger towards her husband. This, what the mother has not
honestly dealt with, the daughter takes in blind love and faith. The problem is, that the daughter
doesn’t direct these feelings towards her father, but her own husband suffers from this anger. In
sense of the identification, this leads to spontaneous changes in behavior, to emotional outbursts,
for which there is no visible cause. Therefore, the dynamics of man and woman in view of the
respective family of origin have to be considered closely. Only here can such a problem be solved
– the double shifting in subject and object – by the daughter giving back to the mother what
belonged to her and leaves all of it with her.
If there are affairs in a partnership, this so called “infidelity”, then the continuance of the
couple relationship is jeopardized. However, this “trip” can also lead to a new clarity: What do I
actually want, how important to me is my wife / my husband? After the conclusion of the affair,
refrain from confessing to the partner. Generally speaking, one only wants to relieve the strain on
oneself and in this respect wants to burden the partner. The quiet remorse can bring the bearing
of guilty feelings, the insight into the connections and mainly the motivations to design the
relationship in a better (more conscious) way. All of that has a more substantially healthy effect.
If a child results from such a relationship, then the old relationship, or marriage, is over
and the new relationship, from which the child developed takes precedence. The man / woman
then has to go to their new partner, according to the observed orders at work, and declare oneself
with the fait accompli, the child. However, the first partner cannot forgive cheaply and undo what
has happened. The fact of reality (the resulting child!) take precedence over the wishful thinking
and feeling of the persons involved, to those the consequences of their acting – the responsibility
– must be expected.
A separation is particularly meaningful and necessary, if violence is involved. Also
indifference and emotional coldness are the beginning of the end. Where pain is no longer
experienced, there is nothing more to gain. Then the relationship may be over, even when
children exist. The couple relationship ends, but both remain the parents of their children.
Children love both of their parents and are faithful, no matter what has happened. Parenthood
will not be divorced as Hellinger phrased it. Children connect father and mother with one another
on a deep level beyond separation . Despite that fact, the couple relationship might break down.
On one hand, it is to agree to the end and the pain of the end; on the other hand the eye should be
directed on the children, if there are any.
Another motivation for a peaceful separation would be to design a future path for the
children well. Often women have difficulties with respect to the father of their children. Some
act as if they had more rights in connection with the children, and should be superior to the man.
It is bad here to observe within the framework of legislation, especially in Germany and Austria.
The equality of unmarried fathers to the child is further on a topic. In respect to the children the
mother always meets the father halfway. If he is refused, the mother signals to the child that half
of the child is not right, and not good . The child escapes, inwardly, to the despised parent and
will represent him secretly, wants to secret, like the excluded parent. So, children always want to
have both parents, one may not deny them access to either of the parents. Children have an
39

absolute right to their parents. This counts especially for adopted children. They should be
helped in the search for their biological parents. Exceptions exist in the following situations:
o Heavy child abuse, through one (or both) parent(s),
o Life-threatening use of violence up to murder attempt.
In such cases the child must to be taken from the violent parent to protect the gift of life.
Furthermore, sometimes there are parents, who don’t want anything to do with their children.
Here, the child has to take the gift of life and say goodbye to the parents (one parent), and dismiss
them from their heart. Then the child takes the example of the foster parents and considers them
as father and mother, if they were, and are there, for the child in a good way.
The homosexual couple relationship
The relationship of a homosexual couple is, slowly, finding more and more acceptance in our
society and represents an important possibility for people to experience personal happiness and
fulfillment. Mental-sexual happy living people – whether now homo- or heterosexual oriented –in
my opinion, make a fundamental contribution to peace on earth.
It is obvious, that homosexual relationships cannot be equated with heterosexual relationships. In
a homosexual relationship the area of conflict between the different natures is missing. It
orientates itself on the similarity and does not reach the intensity, which is experienced in the
heterosexual relationship between man and woman with all of the ups and downs. In the
homosexual encounter, the antithesis of the strangeness is excluded, though it has its complete
specific quality and dignity, if respect and love flows between both partners.
At the family constellation, it takes courage of the client, to stand by his/ her feelings in
public, particularly in front of the own parents. In general, the sentence “ I’m gay” has a releasing
effect. The child can stand by him/herself and respect the gift of life from the parents. The
Coming-out (public confession) as well as the taking from the parents builds an important unity
for the mental stability of the client, even when the actual parents do not approve of the children’s
lifestyle. Here, then the movement into the future, away from the (before taken) parents builds
the decisive solution. If the client can agree contently to his being, then there exists no further
need for purification or action, because more then being happy is just not possible.
40

Unity of Soul – Composure of a clear center
To experience unity of the Soul is grace. It comes over you like the deep love. To meet unity
without searching for it, this is the pathless path. On the threshold to unity you have to do without
the logic of thinking. Therefore: insight through renunciation, action through not-acting,
abundance through emptiness.
Whoever would like to understand the essential core of the inner (and last to apply to all areas of
life) attitude of Bert Hellinger, comes across that mysterious sentence, which Hellinger himself
has described in his work (a summary which gives the gist of Hellinger).
I draw back into the clear center, rest there, become collected, without fear, without intention and
without a hope. This is acting through not-acting.
What happens here? In not-wanting the task of the wish for control (which we, strictly speaking,
really never have), for doing healing and accomplishment, conceals within itself a deep leading
process of death. Which at the same time facilitates the flow of a power, that goes far beyond
each individual and aims always towards unity in its quality. Unity, we cannot imagine it or make
it. The birth of the soul power happens in the process of the death of the Me. The Me steps back
completely and subjectively. At times, doubts and fears, are experienced on the path into the
clear center. We meet here these forces, which are at work, both wonderful and terrible, light and
dark, dissolvable and renewed at the same time. We would be well advised not to try to
comprehend this secret with the calculated train of thoughts of our mind, because the mind eludes
itself completely to logical thinking due to its paradoxical nature.
The clear center is a condition of being quiet. It is the performance of respect and
appreciation of the world as it is, without wanting to change anything. In fact, an impulse may
arise from the clear center (this could be either an action or contemplation ), but this comes from
a level which does not respond to the Me in its ordinary diversion.
From the clear center arises wisdom, which nowadays, we very much have a shortage of.
What is idolized in our world is the know it all, the scientific conception of the world with its
numbers, data and facts. It is about quantity instead of quality in this society of information.
Who knows much, becomes the winner of the quiz and earns quite well from it. We cannot really
conduct a meaningful, fulfilled life on this level. We actually know a lot, we are constantly on the
road and participating everywhere, but somehow no enjoyment of the pleasures of life arise.
Somehow the running and chasing remains hollow – all of that cannot nourish and satisfy the
Soul. Some people have to be forced by illness to calm down, find quietness to end this way, the
torturous mad rush. The human is being purified, released from the insignificant and can then
sort out one’s self once again – in the healing composure.
We live in a time of the organized diversion which could be called entertainment or fun
society. The confused individual is easy to manipulate, because he is not in touch with himself,
his actual needs, or with the guidance of his Soul. The collective resting individual, within
himself, knows the sincerity and quality of things. He understands the consequences of his
action. He knows the prize and always remains self-sufficient. He cannot become a victim,
because he is in unity with the forces and consequently, he remains true to his path. This
individual is ready to treat himself and others, in a disciplined manner, carefully and lovingly.
This is because he serves forces, which include everyone and everything – beyond good and evil.
The condition of the clear center is pure contemplation and the clearest perception: I look
at the phenomenon of the world and agree to them unconditionally lovingly. Only the one, who is
41

free of intentions, of desires, only that person can perceive reality as it is. As soon as I have
intentions, my perception in accordance with these intentions becomes filtered. One perceives
only what one is willing to perceive. However, what doesn’t fit into my visibility, becomes cut
out and remains hidden. Whoever has intentions sends out energies. Whoever is unintentional,
withdraws into one self’s clear center and can perceive the reality very intensively: He is
completely focused for reception. This composure alone creates a spiritual openness for
everything that might be. So, he originates it through a space for the reality of the client within
the group-leader.
I become united with this reality, also and above all, with its terrible aspects. This way is
exactly why I go beyond it. Having a positive attitude towards it, I experience freedom. I must
not want anything, this does not require effort. I only need to let go: my own will, my fears,
my hopes. The last freedom and power originates from the uniting of opposites. Exactly that
happens to us and in us in the clear center. There is emptiness and abundance, beginning and end,
friend and enemy, Me and You. Any differentiation stops right there. All I experience is pure
perception. The incredible is at work, the inexpressible. Unity.
The helper is not in the center.
A well-known symptom is diametrically opposite to the clear center: the helper or rescue
syndrome. According to my observations it originates in a concrete entanglement with our own
family: The helper actually wants to rescue a certain person of his own family, who had a heavy
fate. But this “goal”, a person from the past of the family (e.g. the grandfather, who was killed in
the 2 nd World War) as a rule remains subconsciously active. The happening shifts itself to people
in the present, who seem to be in need of help. Here, the compulsive helping is lived up to, if
necessary at the expense of his own marriage and family. This helping has an addictive character
and destroys the inter-human relationships.
On top of that, often a positive mother and father bonding is missing too: The helpless helper
is deeply unhappy himself and is emotionally on shaky ground. As with all addiction the first
healing step is the most difficult one: the acceptance of his own problem, the mental distress
and helplessness. Especially in the helping profession (nursing and healing professions) the
helper syndrome is very widespread. One works until one is ready to drop and one is even
proud of this overtime. Therapists who suffer from this illness are a danger which needs to be
taken seriously for their clients. The problem though is, that the helper doesn’t feel he or she
is suffering, but apparently is happy in an ecstasy of emotions to run from one victory to
another. Therefore, helping should be done with the greatest restraint and if they want to help
you, then run as fast as you can….(according to Hellinger).
Why I try to avoid the term “God”
In connection with the “clear center” arises of course that which some might call a religious
experience. I’m very cautious with the term “God” and everything that is associated with it.
Looking at it closely in my opinion, we cannot know anything about God or the Divine, which
conceals itself. This is beyond the sphere of understanding of scientific research and capture.
This secret is beyond the control of the human being. I get strange feelings, if people talk about
“their God”, as if he belonged to them, as if they could be in charge of him.
The God-term is difficult as it is, full of projections, because here we often deal with far
too human pictures of or about God. These are always just pictures and therefore not really what
they describe. I would rather talk about the secret of life. Even a term like “source” can only be
understood as a cautious approach to something completely incomprehensible.
42

Our human imagination about the secret of life remains imagination, which for the time being has
little to do with personal experience. Most of the time we have heard or read about it. We were
told, what the secret is supposed to be, or what we are supposed to believe of it. This way we do
not achieve a definite religious experience. The secret, that stands beyond everything, evades the
access of the Me. In face of this problem, how can a religious composure in the Soul be
experienced. In other words how can the Soul communicate with the Me, so that the Me is
touched by the fundamental whole? With the Soul’s roots in the source, it should not only be
understood as pure, personal and individual. In this connection, Bert Hellinger points to the
experience of limit. This is the experience which appears, when we reach beyond our being and
effecting. Then a power can be experience, which goes far beyond us, and our personal fate. We
are amazed and perhaps experience deep respect and meet with a good response from the secret
of life. This secret becomes foreboding when we get close to death and experience our physical
finiteness painfully. In the collective sense we have made such an experience with the events of
the Sep 11, 2001. Our feeling of a secure world began to sway and suddenly everything was
different. The finiteness of the personal earthy being came urgently into consciousness in face of
the force of the destruction and the many deaths.
And so it shows: On the border or at the blackest depths of the human soul, we come to
the understanding, we are shaken severely, we are touched by the secret of being which includes
the death, the terrible, culprit and victim and the depth. There, where we don’t talk anymore and
don’t act like ourselves anymore, at that border of helplessness, reveals to us in a foreseeing
feeling, the incredible, the incomprehensible. It takes courage to stand firm to this experience,
not to get out of the way, but to look with open eyes into the blackness of the night. To have an
answer to all the questions is easy and is in accordance with the desire of the Me to control.
However, to confront the last unanswered questions or the invisible, to wait for an answer, as a
matter of fact to entrust yourself to this invisible, the secret of life, death and its silence, that takes
humility.
Only the one who waited for an answer in the darkness of the night and exposed to the
forces of the night completely, only he knows about the movement of the fundamental whole.
Only he can make full commitment and meet, without fear, the terrible of the world. Only he
finds himself completely on the earth, respects the end of the earthly and comes into unity with
the ordinary life and happiness of the earth.
The religious neurosis
Beware of those
who want to be good,
because you possibly might have to play the evil one for them.
Within this connection we meet the phenomenon of religious neurosis. I have observed, that most
of the time the fanatic seeker after God holds contempt for the earth and strives to be above the
ordinary. There is an unbearable area of conflict between good and evil, and between the fear of
the future and certainty of healing. It seems as if they found replacement for family and tribe –
the group of the chosen ones. Here they experience the extraordinary, the “twilight of the gods”
under the sign of an elitist delusion, which has its own group conscience. But it is important to
see the entanglement of each individual seeker. In most of the cases the father is missing, or he is
weak and secretly held in contempt. In other cases one follows a dead person of the own family,
e.g., the mother or aunt who dies young. As if it was her, she dies cloistered and the earthy
pleasures of life, general or partial, are not really appreciated , as a matter of fact even devilish.
43

The Spirits part company (there are different opinions) when is comes down to the
subjects of “money and possession” as well as “sexuality”. The members demand keeping no
possessions (poverty) and chasteness, which implies “not-being-from-this-world” so to speak
“the-world-dying” of the death. Most of them are afraid to forward on life (in their own children)
and with that the confession to the earth and the continuity of the generations. They are looking
forward to the end of the world, the court of last judgment, and certainly seems to be on the side
of the good. This happens when one confesses, fervently his own sinfulness or is under the
impression of being already enlightened. This seems to be the essential part of the religious
neurosis: this black-or-white, fair-or-unfair, as if the secret of life was based on such
consideration to be understood. The former witch hunters have been transferring their neurosis
inwardly. The one who seeks God hunts himself, and catches himself through what he has done.
Then, in the end, he has to damn himself when he cannot resist playing this game so that he can
have mercy from the God and be accepted. Or he scarifies himself as a warrior of God for the
“right matter”. He fights a hopeless, neurotic fight. He is deeply torn apart by himself and his
shadow. One step forward in the direction of unity would be to honor this shadow, the blackness
of the night.
44

Insight stands at the beginning of healing
Insight is mercy
you can not want it.
if the mercy is pleased
it will give itself as a gift to you–
There is nothing you can do (wrong).
Human life is based on the process of feeling as its primary movement. Only secondary is the
process thinking and wanting as a third movement. The Soul reveals itself through these three
movements. We can also experience spiritually and here as the human, so to speak –ourselves-.
Although our time is characterized by bias, experiencing its consequence has reached
pathological proportions. The thinking (male pole in sense of the Asian polarity Yin-Yang)
dominates our lives. The wanting goes to waste more as a “ become wanted”, because the
majority of the willpower is now induced and originates not really from the Soul: One wants what
is “in fashion”. Only after that, comes the feeling, (female pole) mostly gone to waste as feeling
of stress, fear, anger, thrill or ecstasy. Who for example, as a bank employee in a city is able to
feel that one will experience the unbearable city existence: stress, pressure, constraints and the
fear, of not surviving financially, burden many people to a greater extent. In paralyzing routine,
they sink into the gray loss of identity.
The question is:
Do we want to live like that, and is it really necessary?
It becomes clear from the work of family constellation:
Actual insight begins with the perception of our own feeling. Attention: We only perceive, what
we want to perceive. Whoever finds thousands of reasons to continue having to live in fear and
stress, then does not feel the truth in his Soul. Here, the brain is dominant, thinking with its
practical constraint dictates the lifestyle and this way one successfully avoids one’s feeling. Only
the one who perceives, or is able to listen to the inconsistency, the note of discord of our time, has
the chance to follow the path of change and transformation. Many people have become deaf.
Blunted, they come to terms with the fact, and no longer search for alternatives. Their personal
truth, which could free them, is behind a veil and has withdrawn, like an unloved adviser, and
watches silently.
The question then, is only, which stroke of fate is necessary, that the individual can regain
consciousness (and with that the sense!): the financial bankruptcy, an accident, a heart attack, or a
natural disaster? The overstated question would be: “Would we like it, with the hammer, or
constructively by surrendering to free will to the personal topics?”
Family constellation is a possibility to find yourself and to get closer to the truth of the
own Soul. Soul here means of course more: Soul family, Soul of the people, Soul of the mankind
– the one Great Soul! At the beginning of the third century our western calendar is under storm.
But the worldwide problems are, from a microscopic point of view, always the problems of each
individual. Do I look at the individual and also at myself, and then find the wonderful
possibilities of healing and transformation. Here are movements of the Soul at work, which go
beyond the plain action of “repairing, so that it works as up to now. ” (Dear Doctor, please give
me some medicine, that I can continue on my wrong or ill path with less pain…..”).
No, healing is more than that! Healing needs the power of the Soul, the wisdom and
love of the Great Soul, the Whole. In the framework of the phenomenological approach, as it was
initiated by Bert Hellinger, a door into a new dimension is opened. Of course you can abuse the
family constellation as a technical tool to “repair” as well as you can also abuse the natural
healing for the future functioning of the “economic factor human being”. Just because the
45

spiritual composure of many people involved becomes sick or one-sided (therapists as well as
patients!) and this composure needs the healing before anything else can be done.
So, the healing of the world begins with my healing. When I feel my truth, when I respect and
lovingly take my parents and the secret of life, which flow through them and act in unity with the
Soul, then I have already done an essential step. Based on this work it may go on, when the fate
is decreed by the Soul and we are put in greater coherence. Then, no programs of missionary
work will be required. These have created more dead than happy people, according to history.
The decisive step in the direction of the solution is: Perception! Because who doesn’t
see or feel (!) that the own (family-) house is burning? That one will prefer to question in long
political discussions about the necessity for the fire brigade: “It doesn’t burn, it also may not
burn, as a matter of fact, it cannot even burn!”
Real, extensive perception is tied closely to our ability to feel. The events of September 11, 2001
have shown us in a dramatic way: Suddenly we felt the discords of the time, saw the towers
collapse, and came inwardly to a limit, to a precipice, which let us doubt deep within ourselves
the self evident truth of our (western) world. We made it to easy for ourselves, if we look at this
happening as only an attack towards western civilization. Then the evil once again is out there,
and we are on the side of the good and rights. Looking at it more closely, it should become clear:
The background of this terrible scenario is more multi-layered and complex then the black-whiteworld
picture some politicians want to admit. Whoever really wants reconciliation and peace, has
to give up the rigid idea of good and bad (the terrorists also acted out of good, religious motives,
as terrible as the consequences were for the victims and for the bereaved family).
Back to the individual: The felt truth, also the uncomfortable truth, frees and can be the
initial spark to a healing transformation through a felt process of insights. Let us use the
possibilities, which are offered to us in the “microcosm family constellation” – because like at the
top so at the bottom, whether the scale is large or small. The healing transformation always
begins at the base: with me, and with you. In this decisive sense, ways of self-awareness, like the
phenomenological approach can now achieve, what religion and philosophy obviously are unable
to accomplish: the transformation and mostly the heightening of the human awareness under the
sign of a responsible spirituality, which includes everybody and which respects the ecological
basis of our being on earth through appropriate acting.
If we succeed in the phenomenological process to experience the connection to our fundamental
greater whole, then I see good chances to build a new field of consciousness in many places with
many small steps. We don’t really know, when the critical mass, the turning point has come to
heal itself in the whole earth’s population, spreading the movement of consciousness. But it is an
amazing, promising coherent event, that in the course of the last several years in the framework
described here, a considerable number of people have experienced healing in family and tribe.
46

Service of a healthy body to embrace the Soul
I am also very concerned about the welfare of the body. Therefore, I pass on some
recommendations – which are very simple, but effective measures.
With most human beings, the base-acid-balance is heavily disturbed. The so-called excessive
acidification has become almost standard. Many people are obviously “sour” in other words
unhappy. The following factors lead to this excessive acidification [over leavening]:
1. Stress, annoyance, anger, frustration
2. Coffee, meat, sugar and alcohol
3. Lack of exercise, bad air
4. Much, and fast guzzling
The body has to neutralize the acid surplus by receiving the missing base minerals from the
connective tissue, the blood vessels and the bones. Looking to the future, it has further-reaching
consequences to the health: Heart attack, osteoporosis, rheumatism, gout, hair loss, cavities,
eczema and many other illnesses are caused by this chronic excessive acidification [over
leavening].
What can be done? It is about de-acidification[de-leavening] and re-mineralization [getting
more minerals] into the body. The following is recommended:
1. Keep a healthy awake-sleep-rhythm. The sleep before midnight is the best. Furthermore,
pay attention to breaks in between (20 minutes!) After 60 to 90 minutes of intensive
work the body requires relaxation. Whoever can afford it: 30 to 60 minutes of sleep
during lunch break.
2. We should learn to approach all things calmly and steady. The positive composure is:
There is always a solution! Delegate work! Answer principle questions e.g. “Do I love
my work” and possibly go new ways.
3. Avoid acid building drinks and food. Smoking of course should not be a subject
anymore. Items to avoid absolutely is the white, isolated, aggressive common salt
(alternative: the crystal salt from the Himalayas or the unity of natural salt deposits from
our own country.)
4. Eat slowly, chew longer, this means do not swallow right away! Take your meal in a
quiet, nice atmosphere. Eating should be enjoyed.
5. Since our body is, for the mostly water, the daily supply of at least two to three liters is
important to survival. Its detoxifying function also helps in the process of deacidification
[de-leavening]. Also highly recommended is water in connection with salt,
in fact the crystal rock salt from the Himalayas, which contains important original
structures of crystal as well as many elements of the periodic system (from this the body
can even build vitamins together). With this salt as salt to use for food and to drink as a
sole, we provide our body with enormous energy. I, drink as the first thing every morning
one liter sole water (1-2 teaspoons of sole in 1 liter water).
47

6. In the morning an easy walking is recommended, 20 to 30 minutes. One should not get
out of breath. We want to “exhale” the acids, in other words, provide the blood with fresh
oxygen.
7. For the detoxication the oil-slurp is very helpful: In the morning 1-2 tablespoons of
sunflower oil 10 minutes in the mouth moving back and forth, then spit it out and rinse
mouth with water and brush your teeth.
8. In the morning remove fur on tongue with the toothbrush. Toothbrushes should be
replaced after 4 to 6 weeks. Amalgam should be removed from the teeth.
9. A real effect of de-acidification has the salt from the Himalayas, once a week in a bath
with the temperature of 37 Celsius. The bath should take about 20 to 30 minutes, shower
afterwards and go to bed right away.
10. A valuable basic food supplement is the micro alga Spirulina platensis. It contains
vitamins, minerals, trace elements, chlorophyll and vegetable protein including all eight
essential amino acids as well as Omega 6+9-fatty acid.
11. The microwave should be avoided, because the rays completely destroy the nutritional
value and the food becomes “lifeless”.
Advise for a fulfilled life-style
1. Clear goals, which one doesn’t have to search for, but of those one can find. Occupation
comes from vocation: What is my vocation?
2. Treating the body well, e.g. nourishment (fresh fruits and vegetables: Biophoton, in
other words energy of light for the body cells!) movement/exercise in fresh air.
3. Inner collection: Meditation, Which values are important to me? How would I actually
like to live? Am I collected, do I feel myself, in other words am I really fully by me? Do
I experience the guidance of my Soul? Go regularly into the silence in a comfortable
posture (I prefer lying down). Meditation should be enjoyed. You research your
consciousness – a highly interesting event!
4. Elimination of scattering factors: Cancel television license (effect of trance, waste of
time, outside inundation , mental wasting. Radio also.
5. Partnership, family and friendship: Only what I take care of will thrive!
6. The first three Feng-Shui-measures: Clear up (throw away), steam vacuum cleaning.
Bring color into the house! Book hint: “Clear your clutter with Feng Shui” author Karen
Kingston. Because: Order is agreeable, freeing and healing: less is more!
7. Cleaning of energy fields in house or apartment by incense (Once a week, with coal and
pure church incense) and with salt crystal lamps (from the Himalayas, they should burn/
be turned on always if possible, because the salt absorbs the negative energy and the light
transforms these energies!)
8. Do I live at the right place? Do I feel resident?
9. Solving of the personal family entanglements, e.g. by means of family constellation.
Because how can I live happy, if I am not in unity with the family and my fate? In
48

everyone of us many generations have an effect, a knowing field, what we call family and
tribe.
10. Finances: Do I have a good, happy relation to money? Whoever doesn’t want money
problems, should respect and love money and put it in the service of the fundamental
whole – then you will attract it! Money is a value-free energy, with it you can move
around this world in many ways. It is about a conscious experience, the conscious
dealing with money and possessions. Last but not least it is about spiritual meaning to
fulfill on this earth. Contents, which serve the human beings. However, we should take it
for granted, to give tithe for charity. If we support the public good, we also do well
ourselves, because everything flows in circulation and always comes back to us again.
Money should be felt, e.g. the energy of a one hundred dollar bill. How do I do with little
money, how with much money? Imagine, you could have a lot of money. How would that change
you and your life? What would be important to you, what would you like to do with it? Money
creates a certain kind of freedom, for which rich people are envied. But could you cry in the
nicest hotels the most bitter tears, money alone cannot give you any guarantee for a happy,
meaningful life. Our spiritual values, our inner health reflects itself in dealing with money.
Whoever wants to keep money together all the time and cannot let it flow, that one certainly is
troubled by deep fears, a lack of self-confidence no matter how many millions this person might
have. The very wealthy and popular Mr. Ghetty was invited to a dinner in England and at the end
he was dying to know, how much the host had to pay for this dinner. Such individuals are driven
inwardly by their fears, they constantly have to calculate and forget to enjoy – to live! Actually,
they are very poor. What, then are the actual “money messages” in your family?
However, the decisive question always is: Does the money (house, job, car etc.) have me or
do I have the money? Does it serve me or for overriding spiritual goals, which I can take
responsibility for, or do I serve it? The things themselves are non-normative, but our relationship
has an unambiguous quality.
“Money is a waste product of fulfilled work” that would be already a lot. Too many people work,
to earn money. Work should serve for that, to make our humanly being in this world come true in
an optimal way. Do you know yourself well, do you know your talents, exactly that which you
can/could give to this world? Work should be enjoyed for itself, and the people which have the
pleasure to use my creation[abilities]. And the reward is a nice way of the (self)-esteem.
Money is a thought form. It is a symbol and has itself no own real value. It is neither good nor
bad, neither positive nor negative. It is nonpolitical. The guy who wrote: “Money is the root of
all evil, simply had none!
Stuart Wilde, “Money – flowing energy”
49

Reinhard Lier in Germany: The Linderhof
I first started in 1995 with the renovation of the Linderhof, I was not familiar with the work of
Bert Hellinger. Beginning in 1996, a doctor, who is a friend of mine, drew my attention to it.
I read the books, watched the first videos, attended many weekend groups with different
“Hellinger-Therapists”. At the end of 1996, I came to Hellinger’s “couple courses” in Cologne,
and soon seminars in Kassel, Dresden, Leipzig, Berlin, Frankfurt and Wiesloch followed. After
the first attempts in terms of “family constellation” it became clear to me, that exactly this
phenomenological approach with the perspective of development was supposed to flourish here at
the Linderhof. At the same time my plan was to create a meeting place in such a wonderful area
surrounded by the beautiful nature of the West-Allgaeu, especially because of the central location
in a place where three countries meet, Austria, Switzerland and Germany.
My personal path:
• Born in 1960, homeopath, publisher and author of several books
• 1980 graduate from high school (Abitur) Kaiser-Karl-School, Itzehoe
• 1981 enrolled at the Rhode Island School of Design, Providence, R.I., for six month
(department of oil-painting).
• 1982 –1985 studying the natural healing methods
• 1990 – 1991 10 month group-dynamic-processes in a dropout sect
• Since 1992 divorced and I live with both children at the Linderhof
• 1992 Process work (men group) according to Anne Wilson-Schaef, USA
• 1993 encounter training according to Doc & Ruth Lindwall, Arkansas, USA
• 1994 Quadrinity process
• 1995 Avatar training (H.Palmer)
• Since 1995 development of the Linderhof-Center
• 1996-1999 Participating in 15 seminars with Bert Hellinger, experiencing family
constellation work
• Participation in different groups e.g. Stephan Hausner, Jakob Schneider and
Dr. Rudolf Mraz
• Between 1996 and 2007 I have done over 4.500 family constellations. Since 1999
lectures and workshops in the USA: Philadelphia, PA, Phoenix, AZ, Honolulu, HI
(University of Hawaii), Ukiah, California
• Since November 2006: study of A Course in Miracles
German address:
Reinhard Lier
Graf-Lennart-Bernadotte-Str. 3
D-88131 Lindau
Phone: 0049(0)8382-27 47 654
E-mail: info@lier.de
Internet: www.lier.de and www.beziehungen-heilen.de
Tip:
In the internet under www.hellinger,com you find more group leaders which carry out family
constellations
50

Bibliographical references
1) Quotation: Quotation Laotse of “TAO TE KING”
Rudolf Backofen, Drei Eichen Verlag, 2 nd edition 1975, Page 22 (16 th vers), by kind
permission of the publisher
2) Quotation: Bert Hellinger, “The Circle” of “Schicksalsbindung bei Krebs” Carl-Auer-
Systems Publisher, 2 nd edition 1998, page 197, by kind permission of the publisher
3) Quotation: Quotation Bert Hellinger of “How love succeeds”, publisher: Johannes
Neuhauser, Carl-Auer-Systems Publisher, 1 st edition, 1999, Page 326, line 12-17
4) Quotation: Bert Hellinger, “Verdichtetes”, Carl-Auer-Systems Publisher, 1997, page 56
5) Drawing: The Soul flies away of the body. By a visional drawing of William Blake
6) Quotation: Bert Hellinger, “Verdichtetes”, Carl-Auer-Systems publisher, 1997, page 65
The ten thousand things
The ten thousand things between heaven and earth
arise from the source,
blossom out in the morning,
bring fruit at noon
and go by in the evening.
The same way it is with the human being:
They appear for a while,
look at one another, desire and give,
have an effect in the stream of generations
and sink back into the source.
That all things have beginning and end
frightens the Me and calms the Soul.
The colorful swirling of creatures has its time.
When the celebration is over and the music fades away,
I feel nostalgia and yet agree.
This sadness leads me on
to the limits of the known.
Because I always say good bye again from the visible,
I can meet the hidden.
Then IT speaks to me
and announces in the sound of silence
the Unity of all things
Reinhard Lier
51