October 2012 - Thunder Roads Texas Motorcycle Magazine

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready
to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don’t like the way he looks, you just carve up
another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw
him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush
filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him
to be.
Things we’ve learned from horror films....
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER
check to see if it’s really dead. It isn’t.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed
suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants
who performed satanic practices in your house… move
immediately.
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Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as
a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has
just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a
voice other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will
save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably
take several rounds of silver bullets to kill them, possibly a
wooden stake through the heart, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of a group of people, NEVER
pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to
Hell.
If you’re searching for something that caused a noise and
find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if
you value your life.
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided
to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on
a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the
way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood
before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil,” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your
sister.”
WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off.
Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until
they go away.
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before
you give them any candy.
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order
their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine
list.
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-ortreaters
for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start
flipping through a calendar.
Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone
protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had
left over from Easter.
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