DAVID SEDARIS

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not believe in television, my father said, “Well, good for him. I don’t know that I believe in it, either.” “That’s exactly how I feel,” my mother said, and then my parents watched the news, and whatever came on after the news. Word spread that Mr. Tomkey did not own a television, and you began hearing that, while this was all very well and good, it was unfair of him to inflict his beliefs upon others, specifically his innocent wife and children.Just as the blind man develops a keener sense of hearing, it was speculated that the family must somehow compensate for their loss. “Maybe they read,” my mother’s friend said. “Maybe they listen to the radio, but you can bet your boots they’re doing something.” I wanted to know what this something was, and so I began peering through the Tomkeys’ windows. During the day, I’d stand across the street from their house, acting as though I were waiting for someone, and at night, when the view was better and I had less chance of being discovered, I would creep into their yard and hide in the bushes beside their fence. Because they had not tv, the Tomkeys were forced to talk during dinner. 48
They had no idea how puny their lives were, and so they were not shamed that a camera would have found them uninteresting. They did not know what attractive was, or what dinner was supposed to look like, or even what time people were supposed to eat. Sometimes they wouldn’t sit down until eight o’clock, long after everyone else had finished doing the dishes. During the meal, Mr. Tomkey would occasionally pound the table and point at his children with a fork, but the moment he finished everyone would start laughing. I got the idea that he was imitating someone else, and wondered if he spied on us while we were eating. When fall arrived and school began, I saw the Tomkey children marching up the hill with paper sacks in their hands. The son was one grade lower than me, and the daughter was a grade higher. We never spoke, but I’d pass them in the halls from time to time and attempt to view the world through their eyes. What must it be like to be so ignorant and alone? Could a normal person even imagine it? Staring at an Elmer Fudd lunchbox, I tried to divorce myself from everything I already knew: Elmer’s inability to pronounce the letter “ r,” his constant pursuit of an 49
Page 1: What About Understanding Owls? a co
Page 7 and 8: What About Understanding Owls? a co
Page 9: Dedicated to my A dva nc e d P ro b
Page 12 and 13: LAUGH, KOOKABURRA from Let’s Expl
Page 15 and 16: countryside. Hugh and I didn’t se
Page 17 and 18: friends. “It’s nothing to be pr
Page 19 and 20: called Daylesford, which looked, wh
Page 21 and 22: “Is that normal in Australia?”
Page 23 and 24: his third helping, I got used to th
Page 25 and 26: was the innocence of it. If I had c
Page 27 and 28: in on my upper thigh. Whap, whap, w
Page 30 and 31: - UNDERSTANDING OWLS from Let’s E
Page 33 and 34: ceiling, and if she wanted turkey v
Page 35 and 36: the old ones are. The store was ope
Page 37 and 38: owls, each mounted to a stump and s
Page 39 and 40: forearm, complete with little hairs
Page 41 and 42: dry and thin, like leather on an ol
Page 43 and 44: wasn’t heavy—in fact, it was su
Page 46 and 47: - TRICKED from Dress Your Family in
Page 50 and 51: intelligent and considerably more f
Page 52 and 53: always had, but the son and daughte
Page 54 and 55: my candy keep out!
Page 56 and 57: doorknob, I tore off the wrappers a
Page 58 and 59: and of how alone and out of place t
Page 60: colophon This book was created by A

DAVID SEDARIS

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