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THE ARCHERS
SCRIPT AS BROADCAST
WEEK 2
EPISODE NO: 17177
WRITER:
EDITOR:
DIRECTOR:
ADRIAN FLYNN
JULIE BECKETT
KIM GREENGRASS
REH/REC: WEDNESDAY 25 TH SEPTEMBER 2013
READ THRU: 0915
TAPE NO:
OMNI NO:
PBM339/13MD7177
PBM339/13MZ2257
TX DATE: MONDAY 21 ST OCTOBER 2013
TX WEEK: 43
SCENE:
1. JAZZER MAURICE
2. RUTH EDDIE
3. MAURICE JAZZER LYNDA
4. EDDIE RUTH
5. LYNDA MAURICE
6. JOE EDDIE
7. JAZZER LYNDA
ANNOUNCER:
Maurice is being mother in ‘The Archers’.

2
1.INT. SAWYER’S. OFFICE. 3.45 P.M.
(MAURICE, SITTING AT THE DESK, IS HOLDING A TEA-
POT. MAURICE’S TEA IS ALREADY POURED)
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
There’s enough left in the pot.
Out for a while, is he?
Another forty minutes at least. Delivering to the
deli in Westbury.
JAZZER
Aye. Go on then, Maurice. (PULLS UP A CHAIR AND
SITS DOWN)
MAURICE
(POURING INTO MUG) Even longer, if he starts
telling them about the Bellingham’s Bounce. (TEAPOT
DOWN)
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
He’s like a puppy with a new squeaky toy.
(MOVES MUG ACROSS TABLE) There you are, Jazzer.
Ta. Very welcome.
I’ve heard nothing else all morning.
I can believe that.
Still – if we’re selling more meals there and
elsewhere, we can stop worrying about overproduction.
JAZZER
MAURICE
I hadn’t even started worrying.
At least it keeps our jobs safe a while longer.
Help yourself to milk and sugar.
JAZZER
Ta. (POURS IN MILK FROM BOTTLE)

3
(MAURICE AND JAZZER DRINK AD LIB THROUGH REST OF
SCENE)
MAURICE
JAZZER
So, was it anything in particular?
Only to say the abattoir-run went fine. (TIPS IN
SUGAR FROM BOWL)
MAURICE
JAZZER
(GETS IT) Oh.
He gets so wound up whenever I do it. Any more
sugar?
MAURICE
JAZZER
No.
(PUTS BOWL DOWN) So I thought I’d better check into
the Mothership. Put his mind at rest.
MAURICE
JAZZER
You’ll have to stir it with a ‘Tom Archer’ biro.
(PICKS UP BIRO AND STIRS/ APPROVING) Cosy enough in
here while he’s out.
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
I don’t take advantage.
Course no’. (STOPS STIRRING)
Ten more minutes, and I’m back, stripping down the
mincer.
JAZZER
(FISHING FOR CHANCE TO SMOKE) No chance of opening
the window till then?
MAURICE
JAZZER
You know the answer to that one.
Aye. I was in bother for a crafty wee drag
yesterday an’ all.
MAURICE
Did Tom catch you?

4
JAZZER
Worse than that. I was dropping off the milk at the
Dower House and there’s this row of bushes. Cover
from the road. Cover from the house. Perfect for a
well-deserved rollie.
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
What it is to be addicted.
Only, soon as I sparked up, all hell let loose.
Lilian spotted you?
Not her. The woman they’ve got temping.
Anthea?
Aye. I think that’s her.
A trim, well-presented lady?
With a red bob and a stare can melt rivets?
She has got quite searching eyes.
Man – I never knew I had that many ‘sorrys’ in me.
And she never even raised her voice.
MAURICE
JAZZER
She does have a certain authority.
A certain authority? I’d’ve signed over my firstborn
if I had any wains.
MAURICE
Naturally she’d take a dim view of you smoking on
the premises.
JAZZER
Thanks for the sympathy.(SLIGHT SUSPICION) Know her
well then?
MAURICE
Not well. Though we have spoken to each other on a
few occasions.

5
JAZZER
(THINKS HE’S GOT IT) Oh aye? Got the pacemaker
purring, has she?
MAURICE
JAZZER
No.
Come on – there’s no shame. You’ve got her marked
down as a hottie.
MAURICE
I’ve done no such thing. I simply find her a
refreshing change.
JAZZER
MAURICE
Is that right?
Yes. It’s not often you find someone who values
integrity over popularity.
JAZZER
MAURICE
If you say so.
But I’ve no interest in romantic attachments any
more. They don’t suit me.
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
You and me both.
Besides, she’s already married.
That wouldn’t stop some folks in Ambridge.
I simply admire the way she conducts herself. You
should have seen her with Tom yesterday.
JAZZER
MAURICE
What happened?
She and I happened to be queuing next to each other
in the shop..
JAZZER
MAURICE
(OVER) ‘Happened to be’?
..When he came in with a delivery. And couldn’t
resist asking if she’s ever tried his ready-meals.
JAZZER
Always the master of small talk.

6
MAURICE
She told him, very firmly, she never insults her
digestion with convenience food..
JAZZER
MAURICE
Excellent!
(SLIGHT EMPHASIS) ..Especially when it’s so overpriced.
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
(GENUINE ADMIRATION) You beauty.
Now that – to my mind – is a woman.
I could almost feel sorry for him. And with Helen
giving him a hard time an’ all…
2. EXT. BROOKFIELD. COLLECTING YARD. 3.48 P.M.
(MOST OF THE HERD IS GATHERED IN THE YARD. RUTH IS
URGING THE LAST FEW THROUGH THE GATE.)
RUTH
EDDIE
RUTH
EDDIE
RUTH
(RELAXED) Go on. In you go.. In you go.
(APP/HURRYING) Thanks Ruth. You got my text?
Yes.
I’m so sorry..
Don’t worry about it, Eddie..(TO COW) Keep going.
(CLOSES GATE)
EDDIE
I thought I’d be back in plenty of time for
milking.
RUTH
EDDIE
RUTH
It was no trouble, bringing them in.
You know what it’s like at clinics.
(REMEMBERING) Oh, yes. How did your dad get on?

7
3. INT. SAWYER’S. OFFICE. 3.48 P.M.
(JAZZER AND MAURICE ARE STILL AT THE DESK)
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
JAZZER
MAURICE
No. I wouldn’t say that. Not an argument.
What was it then?
More Tom trying to talk to her about something...
Mm-hmm?
And Helen kind of, pushing him off.
(BEAT/ UNIMPRESSED) And that’s it?
Aye.
You don’t know what Tom wanted to talk about?
I was too far away to hear clearly.
Well, the giants of investigative journalism can
rest easy. That’s not much of a scoop.
JAZZER
All I’m saying is. Tom’s concerned about something.
It pays to know where your boss’s head’s at.
(OFF: EXT DOOR OPENS. JAZZER AND MAURICE HURRIEDLY
GET UP.)
MAURICE
(SOTTO) Never mind his head.. (MOVING THE MILK
BOTTLE AND MUGS)
JAZZER
(SOTTO) You said a good forty minutes. (STRAIGHTENS
THE CHAIRS)
LYNDA
JAZZER
MAURICE
(OFF) Hello?
(SOFTLY) What’s she doing here?
We’re in the office.

8
LYNDA
Ah.(COMING IN) Good afternoon, Maurice. Hello
Jazzer.
JAZZER
MAURICE
LYNDA
Hi.
Tom’s out at the moment, I’m afraid Lynda.
I don’t want Tom. I’ve come in search of
Borsetshire’s very own Sean Connery.
JAZZER
LYNDA
That’s uncanny. How did you know I’d be here?
(AMUSED) Oh. It’s not you I’m talking about Jazzer.
4. EXT. BROOKFIELD. COLLECTING YARD. IN WITH THE
HERD. 3.50 P.M.
RUTH
EDDIE
Surely that’ll cheer him up?
Normally it would do. He loves a good nose round
someone else’s cider-press.
RUTH
EDDIE
And Wesley Walker’s got quite a reputation.
Oh yeah. One of the best micro-breweries in the
county.
RUTH
EDDIE
RUTH
EDDIE
RUTH
EDDIE
That’ll tempt your dad over, won’t it?
Dunno, Ruth. Depends on his mood.
(LIGHTLY) Oh.
It was when they took the cast off.
Ah. Didn’t look very good?
He was horrified. And the truth is his arm looked
awful.
RUTH
It’ll soon get back to normal.

9
EDDIE
I hope so. They put on a wrist splint to give him
some support.
RUTH
EDDIE
RUTH
EDDIE
(SYMPATHETIC) Oh.
And he’s still very sore.
He must be.
So on the way back, he suddenly decides he don’t
want to go anywhere else this week.
RUTH
EDDIE
RUTH
EDDIE
He might change his mind by Wednesday.
I hope so.
I know Jim’s looking forward to it.
It’s good of Jill, offering to take the pair of
them over.
RUTH
EDDIE
Wesley’s wife’s a friend of hers.
Oh Yeah? I thought she’d have too much on, with the
wedding.
RUTH
EDDIE
RUTH
EDDIE
RUTH
Oh, don’t. You’ll make me feel guilty.
Oh?
I’ve given her a job as well.
What’s that?
She’ll be here soon. Helping me get Rickyard ready
for next week’s booking. She insisted.
EDDIE
She’s like dad. Well, like he was. Only happy when
she’s busy.
RUTH
Every time I’ve talked to her lately, she’s working
on the wedding cake.

10
EDDIE
I bet it’ll be a good ‘un. (LOUD VOCALISATION FROM
ONE OF THE COWS) All right, girl. (GOING) Better
start sending them in.
RUTH
And I’d better see if Jill’s torn herself away from
the marzipan yet.
5. INT. SAWYER’S. OFFICE. 3.55 P.M.
(LYNDA, WITH SHOULDER-BAG, AND MAURICE ARE
STANDING. LYNDA IS AT HER MOST CHARMING THROUGHOUT.
MAURICE IS STILL ABSORBING THE SHOCK.)
LYNDA
MAURICE
LYNDA
MAURICE
LYNDA
MAURICE
LYNDA
Not at all, Maurice. No one’s ‘put me up’ to it.
They must have done.
Why?
Me? In a play?
Yes.
As Robin Hood?
As Robin in the prime of life. One who’s served
abroad for twenty years..
MAURICE
LYNDA
MAURICE
LYNDA
I don’t care what sort of Robin.
You’d be perfect.
I’m not an actor.
No, no, no. What you mean is, you haven’t had much
experience onstage.
MAURICE
LYNDA
I’ve no experience..
(OVER) Here’s a chance to remedy that..

11
MAURICE
..By choice. Not since Miss Porter talked me into
being Third Shepherd.
LYNDA
MAURICE
(READY TO POUNCE) Ah.
Only because she promised us all liquorice
bootlaces if the Nativity went off all right.
LYNDA
MAURICE
LYNDA
MAURICE
So you have acted before?
One ‘Lo’ and two ‘beholds’. That was it.
From little acorns, Maurice..
And I forgot the second ‘behold’, because Mary
Norton stuck her tongue out at me. Bang went the
boot-laces.
LYNDA
MAURICE
LYNDA
You mustn’t let modesty hold you back.
It’s not modesty.
Your very lack of experience may give you an
advantage over everyone else.
MAURICE
LYNDA
Eh?
You see, Maurice, You’ll bring fresh, untutored
charm to the role.
MAURICE
LYNDA
MAURICE
LYNDA
MAURICE
LYNDA
MAURICE
No I won’t, Lynda.
A simple authenticity..
I’m not bringing anything to it.
Well, if that’s how you feel..
(OVER) I do.
..I won’t press you any further. For the moment.
Good. I need to crack on with the mincer.

12
LYNDA
(FISHING IN SHOULDER-BAG) But perhaps if I leave
you a script..
MAURICE
LYNDA
There’s no point.
(TAKING OUT SCRIPT) What harm is there in looking?
(PUTS IT ON THE DESK)And perhaps reconsidering.
MAURICE
The harm is..(PICKS UP SCRIPT)..giving you false
hope. Thanks very much for asking, Lynda. But, best
take it with you, eh?
6. EXT. GRUNDY FIELD. 5.50 P.M.
BARTLEBY IS LICKING A SALT-BLOCK ON GROUND.
EDDIE
JOE
EDDIE
JOE
(SOFTLY) You like that, don’t you Bartleby?
(OFF) Don’t go giving him no treats.
I’m not, Dad.
(APP SLOWLY) Worst thing you can do, give him
treats.
EDDIE
(GENTLY) Watch the track. It’s bumpy.(OFFERING AN
ARM) Want me to..?
JOE
(APP) I told you when I got out the car. I’m
perfectly all right by myself.
EDDIE
(SUDDEN MEMORY/ DIGS IN POCKET) Oh here.(TAKES OUT
BRITISH LEGION POPPY) I got a poppy, like you
asked.
JOE
EDDIE
Oh.. ahh. Ta. (TAKES IT) I’ll settle up later.
No need. And.. er.. want some help pinning it on?

13
JOE
I’ll do it myself when I gets home. I only come to
stop you spoiling Bartleby.
EDDIE
JOE
Don’t begrudge him a bit of salt.
So long as that’s all you’re doing. It don’t do him
no good, overfeeding. Not when I can’t exercise him
proper.
EDDIE
He’s getting plenty of exercise. (PATS PONY) Aren’t
you, boy?
JOE
EDDIE
JOE
EDDIE
He wants the trap on, before he loses condition.
Edward took him round with it last night.
(UNIMPRESSED) For half an hour.
He’s been doing a good job, with everything else
he’s got on.
JOE
EDDIE
I suppose so.
Between me and him taking Bartleby out - and
George helping with the grooming..
JOE
EDDIE
(CUTS IN) Ah, now he has got a way with animals.
William says he’s been helping train Baz an’ all.
Retrieving. Stopping on the whistle.
JOE
EDDIE
JOE
(SADLY) Don’t do that, Bartleby.
What?
He’s looking at me. Wants to know why I ain’t
taking care of him.
EDDIE
JOE
No he don’t.
He thinks I’m letting him down.

14
EDDIE
Look. If you like, we can walk him round the field
a couple of times.
JOE
No. Not with it getting so dark. You can’t keep
your footing.
EDDIE
JOE
What about on the road?
It’d be like a torment to him. Me and my stick,
going so slow.
EDDIE
You’ll be looking after him properly soon. (BEAT)
You tried any of them exercises yet? The ones the
physio showed you?
JOE
EDDIE
JOE
No point.
(GENTLY) You’ve got to have a go.
I did this afternoon. Had to give up. They hurt
like fury.
EDDIE
First time’s bound to be difficult. It’ll be easier
tomorrow.
JOE
EDDIE
No it won’t.
(BEAT) Let’s go back, eh? See if Clarrie’s got a
brew on.
JOE
No sense making an effort with exercises. I in’t
never going to get no better.
EDDIE
JOE
Dad..
We shouldn’t’ve said ‘no’ last week, neither. We
threw away the only chance of any good coming out
of it.

15
EDDIE
JOE
EDDIE
We didn’t say ‘no’.
Then how come we an’t heard from Wilson’s yet eh?
You know what solicitors are like. They do
everything in slow motion.
JOE
We should’ve taken what was offered. We gambled and
we lost.
EDDIE
Come on. You’re looking at everything through a
dark cloud. Things ain’t that bad.
JOE
EDDIE
Ain’t they?
We’ll hear from Wilsons soon enough. And the doctor
said your wrist’s on the mend.
JOE
EDDIE
JOE
EDDIE
Huh!
Give it another week or two.
It’s aching like billio.
That’s why you’ve got to take your mind off it, as
much as possible. Like going over to Heybury on
Wednesday.
JOE
EDDIE
JOE
I told you. I in’t going.
You don’t have to decide now.
I in’t going. It’s bad enough being helpless at
home. But I in’t showing meself up in front of
strangers.

16
7. INT. GREENACRES. HALL. 7.00 P.M.
(JAZZER’S IN THE HALL. LYNDA IS STANDING OUTSIDE
THE FRONT DOOR.)
JAZZER
LYNDA
You’re sure?
No, no, I won’t come in, thank you, Jazzer. I
simply wanted to apologise.
JAZZER
LYNDA
JAZZER
LYNDA
What for?
For earlier.
Hmm?
Giving the impression I’m not interested in your
acting ability.
JAZZER
Don’t fash yerself. I’m no’ much interested in it
myself.
LYNDA
JAZZER
LYNDA
JAZZER
LYNDA
JAZZER
LYNDA
JAZZER
LYNDA
JAZZER
LYNDA
JAZZER
You left so quickly, I couldn’t explain.
I had to get back to the pigs.
It’s not Sean Connery’s voice I’m after..
(OVER) No?
But his strong, masculine presence.
(TAKES A MOMENT) You’re saying I haven’t got that?
I’m referring to the older, more mature Connery..
(OVER) Oh.
..That’s all.
So, did you talk Maurice into it?
Sadly not.
Didn’t think you would.

17
LYNDA
I did hope he might waver, when I explained my
vision.
JAZZER
I could’ve told you you were wasting your time.
He’s no’ into all this dressing-up, pretending to
be a tree stuff.
LYNDA
The irony is, the more adamantly he refused, the
more perfect he seemed for the role. Unflinching.
Obdurate.
JAZZER
LYNDA
Is that a flash way of saying ‘miserable’?
Oh, Maurice offers much more than misery, Jazzer.
He’s such a loss to the local stage.
JAZZER
Aye, well. You’d better break the bad news to Maid
Marian then eh?
LYNDA
JAZZER
LYNDA
I haven’t cast one yet.
No?
If I can’t have Sean Connery, what chance Audrey
Hepburn? I shall have to look at younger actors
again.
JAZZER
(SUDDEN THOUGHT) Hold on there, Lynda. Don’t give
up so soon.
LYNDA
JAZZER
Sorry?
If you haven’t chosen your Marian yet - Maurice
might have a weak spot.
MUSIC