AQUATELOS A Thesis Presented to the Faculty ... - Cornell University

3. DEPRESSION STORAGE
i. Why We Need Friends
I sat hollow again among strangers and juicedripping
lovers and a friend who joined us
later. Smudgelight, liquor.
Dressed as a doll in quaint clothes
of a smaller doll of yesterday.
A lot of talking roamed somewhere near.
What could I say, having done nothing or
having no memory of having done.
In fact no memory of who I’d been just five
minutes or years ago. I was prepared to pass
out there in pity I didn’t know how to use.
I cycled through my deck of selves soon
run out, recycled, couldn’t stop.
Nothing changed once more.
And then, my friend, noble in company,
began to tell a story about me,
one I knew nothing about so I listened.
He said one winter day I’d taken a baby
cockroach I’d found in the bathroom,
gently cupped it in steady hands and went
to the backdoor which I opened with trouble,
then spread my hands in gesture of easy gift,
letting a bug live my roommates would’ve killed.
And this is why we need friends: to tell stories
of our goodness which will be believed.
I believed it too until I remembered
it was winter outside.
ii. At Times
At times I am aware how others
can act convincingly happy.
They are unaware that
there are no feelings really, just modes.
At times I am aware of them
beyond this coronal cataract,
icemilk armor, double-edged diamond.
At times I am aware
of this constant armor,
its heft,
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