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August - Kansas City Sports & Fitness Magazine

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www.kcsportspaper.com KANSAS CITY SPORTS & FITNESS AUGUST 2011 7<br />

D<br />

Rivalries and their jokes help define college football<br />

id anyone actually think that the NFL’s<br />

billionaire owners would not settle<br />

with their millionaire players before<br />

the fans’ money spigot was shut off?<br />

The likelihood of that would be about the<br />

same as Mark Mangino pushing away from<br />

a buffet table. Greed rules the day again.<br />

Hey, I am of the belief that if the owners<br />

were disciplined enough they could have<br />

implemented a salary cap of $300,000.<br />

Where else would these guys make that<br />

much money? McDonald’s?<br />

<strong>Sports</strong> Illustrated recently did a cute<br />

chart showing what many of the NFL players<br />

did in this off-season. A few went on<br />

TV. Some got married.<br />

But which categories featured the most<br />

players? Those players who were arrested<br />

for drugs and those arrested for assault.<br />

Toss in those arrested for DUI (Hines Ward<br />

was on TV and picked up for DUI),<br />

weapons, disorderly conduct and bar fight<br />

and you pretty much have a snapshot of the<br />

quality of many of the individuals playing<br />

in the NFL today.<br />

To me, that’s why college football<br />

still reigns supreme. Despite the NCAA’s<br />

best efforts to try and ruin its top colleges<br />

and players, there is nothing like the start<br />

of the college football season to raise the<br />

fan excitement level to Warp 10 across<br />

the country.<br />

Sure a meaningful NFL game with<br />

playoff implications can generate excitement<br />

for one season, but in reality it is<br />

nothing like Auburn vs. Alabama, Ohio<br />

State-Michigan, Notre Dame-USC,<br />

Texas-Oklahoma, <strong>Kansas</strong>-Missouri,<br />

Oregon-Oregon State or any other long<br />

running college rivalry. Maybe many of the<br />

rivalries are even more special because<br />

many of those colleges do not have NFL<br />

teams nearby.<br />

Virtually every college at every level has<br />

at least one team circled on its schedule it<br />

truly despises. It is often a hatred that is<br />

passed down from generation to generation.<br />

A loss can depress its fans for months. A<br />

win means bragging rights for a year.<br />

But aside from the actual game rivalry,<br />

sometimes the<br />

jokes and putdowns<br />

surrounding<br />

the games makes it<br />

even better. Sure,<br />

the Alabama fan that<br />

poisoned trees at<br />

Auburn crossed a<br />

major line of idiocy,<br />

but jokes seem to add<br />

a unique flavor to any<br />

rivalry.<br />

As a born and bred<br />

Ohioan, the game<br />

against rival Michigan<br />

defines the season.<br />

Bumper stickers saying<br />

things like “I root for<br />

Ohio State and any team<br />

that beats Michigan” are<br />

plentiful - and honest.<br />

You can be sure similar bumper stickers<br />

with the teams reversed are plentiful<br />

in Michigan.<br />

In fact, a Buckeye friend sent me a video<br />

(YouTube: Pure Michigan: U of M People)<br />

that made me laugh so hard about the<br />

“Walmart Wolverines” I am still trying to<br />

get coffee out of my keyboard. I sent the<br />

video to a diehard Michigan friend who did<br />

not share my enthusiasm for it. His<br />

response is not printable, but I would<br />

expect nothing less than a guy who has a<br />

ceramic golfer in his front yard dressed in<br />

Michigan’s maize and blue.<br />

Once there were bumper stickers in the<br />

Lone Star State that read: “Texas - The<br />

University.” Not to be outdone, their<br />

Baptist neighbors in Waco retaliated with:<br />

“Baylor - Thee University.”<br />

Years ago while traveling through Texas<br />

I came across an entire book of “Aggie”<br />

jokes about the rivalry between Texas and<br />

Texas A & M. I was amazed. An entire<br />

book of putdowns of your rival! How cool<br />

is that?<br />

Here are some of my<br />

favorite jokes from the<br />

book. Keep in mind, the<br />

teams and rivalries can<br />

be changed accordingly<br />

- and will work just as<br />

well:<br />

Q: How many Aggies<br />

does it take to screw in<br />

a light bulb?<br />

A: One, but he gets<br />

three-hours credit.<br />

Q: How many Aggies<br />

does it take to tackle<br />

a running back?<br />

A: Good question, no<br />

one knows.<br />

Q: What is the difference<br />

between the Aggies and Rice Krispies?<br />

A: Rice Krispies know what to do in a bowl.<br />

Q: Why don’t Aggies eat barbecue beans?<br />

A: Because they keep falling through the holes<br />

in the grill.<br />

Q: Why is ice no longer<br />

available in the drinks at<br />

Aggie games?<br />

A: The senior that knew the<br />

recipe graduated.<br />

Q: Why can’t Aggie farmers<br />

raise chickens?<br />

A: They plant the eggs<br />

too deep.<br />

And...Did you hear that<br />

the A & M coach is only<br />

dressing 10 players for the next home game?<br />

The rest of the team will get dressed by<br />

themselves.<br />

Pro football players can count their<br />

money and whine about having to actually<br />

prepare for games. Please no two-a-day<br />

practices permitted. They can file their<br />

union grievances against anything management<br />

tries to do. Good for them.<br />

Just give me a good college game and the<br />

jokes surrounding it any time.<br />

John Landsberg of Bottom Line<br />

Communications can be reached at<br />

jlandsberg@bottomlinecom.com.<br />

On KCXL 1140 AM & 102.9 FM<br />

Monday thru Thursday 6:00-9:00 pm<br />

Friday and Sunday 6:00-10:00 pm<br />

Anatomy of Sport<br />

Steve Nash &<br />

Jim Krause<br />

Pettit Said It<br />

Rusty Pettit<br />

Pro Football Weekly<br />

Hub Arkush &<br />

Wayne Laravee<br />

Press Row Central<br />

Frank Sprankle &<br />

Nicholas Spiva<br />

<strong>Sports</strong> Extra<br />

Rusty Pettit &<br />

Steve Nash<br />

Good <strong>Sports</strong><br />

Steve Fisch<br />

Talking Baseball<br />

James Peuster<br />

John<br />

Landsberg<br />

Contributing<br />

Writer<br />

www.isbnteam.com<br />

info@isbnteam.com

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