HussyMagazineWinter14Mobile

PLUS
Stick Shifts & Stilettos: Popping the Hood
So You Wanna... Open Your Relationship
Fashion Shoot: Winter Affair
Technology’s Gender Crisis
Finding a Mentor, and more!
“to
love
someone
takes
courage”
An interview
with
Angelica Ross
ISSUE TWO, WINTER 2014
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 1

Table of Contents
table
of
Contents
24
54
31
71
40 Letter From the Editor
5 How You Can Help • Credits
6 Women Around the World
Mary Erhardy
9 Pursuit of Health & Happiness
12 Fashion & Beauty
20 So You Wanna...
Open Your Relationship
24 Stick Shifts & Stilletos
pg 2
Hussy
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WINTER/2014

Table of Contents
40
12
54
77
31 Relationship Profile
36 Business Corner
The Importance of Finding a
Mentor
40 Fashion Shoot
Winter Affair
47 Digital Driveby
50 Tech Corner
Technology’s Gender Crisis
52 Science Corner
Comets 101
54 Cover Story
To Love Someone Takes
Courage
64 Relationship Advice
70 Tough Stuff
Vaginismus
74 Recipes
Sweet Indulgence
77 Original Art
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 3

Letter from the Editor
letter
from the
editor
I
want to start out by saying how thankful
I am to every one of you for your
support! Our first free digital issue of
Hussy Magazine, released last fall, was downloaded
thousands of times. We received thankyous,
feedback, offers of help, and a number
of donations from people around the world.
This led to several talented new people joining
the Hussy team, and a number of new columns
and articles by amazing writers, illustrators, and
artists, such as Cadence Valentine’s Stick Shifts
& Stilettos column on page 24, illustrated by
Adrian Yablin; and Becky Paroz’s The Importance
of the Mentor, Part One on page 36.
We’ve also learned a lot about putting
together a project of this size. Our number
one challenge remains that, because our team
donates their time in between 9-to-5 jobs and
school, we are not yet able to work on a strict
schedule. We are tackling this challenge and
have some exciting plans in the pipeline! In the
meantime, we have added a mailing list to our
website, www.hussymag.com, so we can share news and keep you up to date via email. We’ve
also added a blog to our website, which will consist primarily of articles from previous issues, to
make them readily accessible and shareable.
As editor in chief, I am dedicated to the success of this project because I believe passionately
that what we do is needed. When the media available to us only represents a small
slice of the truth, we must create our own media to fill in the gaps. As we continue on this journey,
please feel free to reach out to me directly at any point with your comments, concerns, or
ideas.
Enjoy issue two—we’re immensely proud of it and thrilled to be able share it with you!
No photoshopping. We don’t photoshop or retouch the people who appear in our magazine.
A deliberate focus away from celebrities. We showcase the inspiration, beauty, and fascinating
stories of women who are not widely known or famous.
A wide range of topics. Yes, we are interested in beauty, relationships, and fashion—but we also
care about art, science, business... you name it!
Hussy | WINTER/2014
pg 4
W h at m a k es H u s s y d i f f e r e n t ?

How You Can Help • Credits
h ow
help
youc
a n
Donate !
We’re releasing our first issues as free digital downloads
to show the world what women’s magazines could and
should be! But although we are donating our time and
talent, we do have operating costs, and your donation
will help us pay them and keep Hussy going! You can
donate at www.hussymag.com.
Spread the word .
Tell your sister, mom, best friend, coworker, hair stylist,
lawyer, and that random person in the elevator (and
don’t forget about the men in your life!), and join us on
Facebook and Twitter!
Join our team .
Like the Hussy project? Enjoy working (from anywhere
in the world) with passionate, talented people? There’s
room on our team of volunteers for people with a myriad
of backgrounds, skills, and experiences who believe in
what we’re doing. Email hussy@hussymag.com to learn
more!
Help us determine
our next steps !
Share your thoughts and give us feedback by taking our
survey at
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/96599LP
hussy
Mara Schmid, Editor in Chief
staff
Kiah Shapiro, Creative Director
Lauren McGregor, Chief Copy Editor
Daniel Wind, Copy Editor
Nicole Cherry, Layout Editor
Cecilia Roeder, Layout Editor
Athalia Rahim, Layout Editor
Joel Hindman, Photography & Design
Anabel Tavera, Web Design
Conor Holness, Web Design
Krystal Vivian, Social Media
Tiffany Geisbert, Social Media
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 5

Women Around the World
Around
pg 6
the World
Hussy | WINTER/2014

Women Around the World
Juliet Annerino: Mary, I know you as a creative
woman with vision—a French photographer with
a clean, distinctive style. Tell us a bit more about
yourself.
Mary Erhardy: I was born and raised in Paris, and
I’ve been working there as a professional photographer
for ten years. The first five years I worked as
an assistant to some well-known fashion photographers.
JA: Would you tell us some of their names, please?
ME: I worked with Pamela Hanson, Patrick Shaw,
Felix Lammers, André Rau, and Dominique Issermann.
I started working as an independent photographer
during my two years’ stay in South Africa (Cape
Town and Johannesburg). Enchanted as I was by
the amazing sights and light there, I prefer working
in Paris because of its singular atmosphere,
and because it is the traditional capital of fashion.
I am fortunate enough to live in Montmartre, a
neighborhood well-known for its artistic history.
of elegance and an innate sense of fashion. The
American fashion, due to the country’s history, has
the boldness of youth. It has invented an elegance
made for everyday life, made for active women,
the so-called “casual chic.” This original concept
has democratized fashion and, because of its modernity,
has spread worldwide.
JA: I’d like to hear a bit about how you see French
women as culturally different than most American
women.
ME: I would say that, though nowadays equally active
and independent, they express their liberty in
a completely different way. To my mind, this can be
explained by their dissimilar cultural background.
After a period of feminist revolution, French
women consider their newly acquired freedom as
a cultural evolution in progress, whereas American
women see themselves as an oppressed minority
at war.
Historically speaking, France is an ancient and
small country compared to the immensity of the
US and its comparatively short history. Early Amer-
M ary E r hardy
Interview by Juliet Annerino
Lately, my professional interest has been focused
on jewelry and mostly on fine jewelry—the reflection
of the specific French luxury and chic.
My personal style, which I like to define as
“glamorous chic,” combines the US spirit of the
golden seventies with traditional timeless French
elegance.
JA: How do you see the difference between French
fashion and, for example, American fashion?
ME: French fashion is the continuation of a long
history of royal wealth, art, and splendor. That
is why Parisian women have a particular sense
ican women had to be physically courageous and
self-sufficient. This also explains the different behavior
of French and American women in their relationship
to men. French women tend to be more
romantic, American women more down to earth.
JA: You say “a cultural evolution in progress.”
Where do you feel the situation of French women
is at present, compared to where it should evolve?
ME: Well, for example, women in France still do
not receive the same wages for the same job as
men.
JA: Do you feel that women in Paris have made
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Women Around the World
any progress socially in the last 10 to 15 years that
you’ve seen?
ME: Parisian women have indeed gained more independence
in the last 15 years regarding their
personal and professional life. However, can this
change be really considered progress, since Paris
has the largest number of single women in France?
JA: Do you see a large number of single women
as a problem? Why do you think this occurs—are
there not equal numbers of single men?
ME: Well, no one wants to be alone. There are
simply more women in proportion to men in the
world.
JA: Do you feel the increased independence of
women in France has led to men feeling less likely
to enter into relationships with those women?
ME: Of course. Men can feel intimidated by confusing
ideas of what women may want from their
men, due to changing feminist attitudes.
JA: But progress as a single woman is still progress
for the individual in society, isn’t it?
ME: Not as long as men don’t consider women
proper companions because those women have
professional engagements and financial independence.
JA: How do you personally feel the situation of
French women compares to that of women in other
European nations?
ME: I can’t speak for women in other European
countries. This is a subjective view I’m presenting
for you—after all, I‘m simply a fashion photographer
dealing with a certain kind of people on a
regular basis.
JA: Thank you so much for your time and for
your very thought-provoking, intelligent answers,
Mary! To see Mary’s work, please go to
www.maryerhardy.com. Also—good news! She
is planning to relocate to Los Angeles, so let her
know if you have need of one extraordinary Parisian
photographer in Paris or here in Los Angeles!
Juliet Annerino is a writer, music
composer, and director based in Los
Angeles. She loves to travel, and
performs jazz as well as her original
nu-jazz/neo-soul music internationally.
Find out more at mataharimusic.net.
Hussy
Photos pg by 8Sylvie Humbert
|
WINTER/2014

Pushing Past
Mental Limits
Pursuit of Health & Happiness
Pursuit of Health & Happiness
By Brenda Jacobs
Your brain can be a real jerk sometimes. It regularly
sabotages your goals and dreams by creating
false limits within itself, causing you to hold yourself
back when you don’t really need to.
Wait…what? Why would your brain do that?
Sports psychologist Dr. Gloria Petruzzelli, owner
of Life With No Limits Coaching, accomplished
triathlete, Iron Man competitor, and race coach,
says mental limits come from the brain’s efforts to
keep us safe. “Your brain wants to protect you. So
any time you encounter an unknown, you experience
anxiety, fear, or avoidance.” An unknown?
Yes, something like, “What will happen if I keep
doing pushups even though my arms feel like jelly?”
That’s the moment your brain chimes in, telling
you that you’re at the limit, and bad
things will happen should you continue.
How many times have you been working out and
felt you couldn’t go any further? Oh, just every single
workout, right? I’ve been involved in sports and
fitness my whole life, and have trained with some
very accomplished athletes, including boxers and
martial artists. Guess what? Everyone, even top
athletes, hits their perceived limits at some point,
regardless of the activity or situation. That’s when
the internal dialogue begins:
“I can’t do anymore, I’ve got nothing left.”
”You’re fine, don’t be such a baby, keep going.”
“Nope. Nope. Nope. I’m done… something’s
wrong. I can’t breathe. I hate this. My legs are going
to give out. I’m going to pass out.
No, I’m going to die.”
Hussy
Photos courtesy of Brenda Jacobs
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Pursuit of Health & Happiness
“Come oooonnnnn, the cute guy’s watching; don’t
quit!”
While you’re inwardly negotiating using skills
that would make the CIA proud, you’re watching
others calmly push through their workouts without
batting an eye. They’ve learned to ignore
perceived limits. How do you learn to do that? To
keep running when it gets difficult? Keep doing
pushups when your arms are jelly? Keep doing
squats when your quadriceps are screaming?
“
Pushing past
limits, whether in
regard to fitness,
relationships, career,
or any other aspect
of life, allows us to
unlock our
potential.
“
Dr. Petruzzelli says to remind yourself that everything’s
temporary, even the burning quads and
jelly arms. “When you’re thinking to yourself, ‘I
can’t do anymore’, counteract that with ‘30 more
seconds’, and then ‘30 more seconds’,” she suggests,
“and suddenly you’ve done another minute
when you thought you couldn’t do any more.
Is it fact that you can’t do it, or is it that you’re
feeling discomfort? You have to learn to be comfortable
with feeling uncomfortable.”
This is relevant far beyond just fitness. We encounter
perceived limits in all aspects of life—
for example, in our relationships and careers.
We often feel pressure to fit our relationships
into universally-accepted categories, complete
with label (“boyfriend/girlfriend”, “friend with
benefits”, “significant other”). However, the most
important definition for a relationship is the one
understood by the people in it. As long as you
are on the same page, does it matter if other
people can understand or label it? Are you limiting
your relationship by trying to fit it into a category?
Are you limiting all your relationships by
being afraid to explore feelings or situations outside
your comfort zone—emotionally, physically,
or otherwise?
Additionally, you should pick a stable career
field, progress through its ranks, and then retire
comfortably. Right? If that’s what you really want,
then yes. However, are you in a particular career
field because it’s what you were expected to do?
Think outside that notion for a minute: do you
even want a “normal” job? What do you really
want to spend your time doing? What work excites
you and gives you satisfaction?
Pushing past limits, whether in regard to fitness,
relationships, career, or any other aspect of life,
allows us to unlock our potential. It’s true that
sometimes our options seem limited if we want
to “fit in”. Social influences often suggest there
is a standard, normal way of living life. This is another
perceived limit; but is it true? I’d say no.
You can live your life however you choose. To do
that, though, you have to be willing to ask yourself
critical questions, such as, “Do I care if I fit
in?”, “What do I really want?”, and, “Seriously,
what do I really want?”
The trick is you have to be deeply truthful when
you answer, not default to answers that sound
good, or fit the standard. Dr. Petruzzelli agrees,
“If you really want to change, you have to be courageous
enough to be brutally honest with yourself
and identify where you’re letting a perceived
limit hold you back.” She says that we tend to
run on autopilot: reacting to situations, but not
taking time to dig deeper and find the root of
the unhappiness. “We don’t change our patterns
until something malfunctions,” she says, “whether
it’s lack of job satisfaction or a relationship
not working.” We have to at least know what
we don’t want and have a general idea of what
we desire in order to figure out how our current
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Pursuit of Health & Happiness
situation isn’t stacking up, because, “You can’t
change what you’re not aware of.”
Questioning your life isn’t easy, especially when
it may appear perfect. Not long ago, I had a
great job with great benefits, a great guy, and a
nice house. But something wasn’t right… I wasn’t
happy. The job, the guy, the house—they were
great, but not what I truly wanted. It took the
sudden death of a friend to wake me up to the
realization that life is way too short; you cannot
spend it doing anything less than what you truly
want.
In looking for motivation to make intimidating
changes, I remembered my former martial
arts instructor. He tortured us with exercises
designed by the devil himself, and at the peak of
these classes, when our legs and arms were shaking
and we were pleading to stop, he would yell,
“You can do more than you think you can!”
Hearing that phrase used to really piss me off.
“Easy for you to say, walking around watching
us,” I thought. But the phrase I once despised
has become a mantra for me, because it’s true;
it helped me keep going (as did my instructor’s
threats of increased torture should we quit).
And you know what? I did more than I thought
I could. I kept pressing on through the feelings
of discomfort, and limits started disappearing.
That method also worked in other areas of my
life. Remember that bit about reminding yourself
discomfort is temporary? Embracing the discomfort,
fear, and/or anxiety, and pushing through it,
is how you eventually eliminate those perceived
limits.
Concerned that in your quest to push past limits,
you’ll go too far? Dr. Petruzzelli says that in
sports, injury occurs when we don’t pay attention
to our bodies’ signals. “If you’re honest with
yourself, you know if you’re making excuses or
experiencing legitimate pain. Famed basketball
coach John Wooden said, ‘You may fool others,
but you can never fool yourself.’” This can be applied
to all areas of life; deep down, you know
whether it’s discomfort or danger.
Challenging your limits is scary, but so worth it! I
quit my job last year to travel, skydive, visit loved
ones, and pursue work in fitness and writing.
While it hasn’t been easy, it has been one of the
best years of my life. So I implore you to not let
your jerk brain hold you back. Go out, push past
your limits and live the life you truly desire. Just
keep reminding yourself: you can do more than
you think you can!
Brenda Jacobs is a freelance writer, personal trainer, and selfdefense
instructor living in Las Vegas, NV. She loves skydiving,
traveling, and general buffoonery. She’s currently working
on starting her own online personal training and fitness party
business. Stay tuned for more information!
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 11

Fashion & Beauty
Fashion
&Beauty — STYLE
PROFILE
by Bethany Weber
Name: Jen Wilder
Age: 36
Occupation: Fashion Designer
Hometown: Gypsy Child/Various—Mostly
Southern California
Do you have a spouse or children?
I married the love of my life recently after almost
11 years together and six years of being engaged;
we were taking it slow! We are expecting our first
child this coming March and are over the moon
excited! I also have a niece and two nephews
whom I adore.
How would you describe your style?
Eclectic definitely comes to mind! I’m
schizophrenic when it comes to fashion: I am fairly
trend-driven and changeable. One day I have my
hippie/gypsy roots showing and the next my rock
’n’ roll heart bleeds through, although I’d say I’m
definitely always feminine. I’m not one of those
formulaic dressers with millions of the same cut in
different colors or textures—I always envy those
“uniforms” and wish I could adopt one but it
just isn’t me. I enjoy flashy, over-the-top, sparkly
things and accessories, but I value comfort. I’ve
pretty much given up on heels unless it’s a heeled
boot because dammit, I need to be able to walk
and look cute! I wear Doc Martens a lot and other
kinda rocker-chic flats, and I love socks, stockings,
tights etc. I am a huge fan of mixing patterns and
textures. I love to stand out of the crowd, and feel
very comfortable with all eyes on me!
How has your style changed over time?
As I’ve gotten older I have definitely started to
care less and less what other people think, and
have found my own voice in fashion. I used to
long to fit in and blend with the masses—at 5’10”
and 250 pounds that was always very difficult, and
I’m glad for this because it has really led me on
my own path! I would not be a designer today if I
hadn’t had the need to create my own clothing for
my size. I have literally been the same height and
weight since about 8th or 9th grade, so it’s been
a journey of gaining confidence and knowing that
what I like is right for me no matter what! I’d say
I have a lot more guts now and also a lot more
options in the sizes that I feel comfortable in. For so
long I felt very left out of the fashion conversation
as a lot of plus size girls in my generation did,
which is why we’ve become fierce advocates for
size range and style at every size. I look around
at what is happening in plus size fashion and
feel very fortunate to be a part of this wave of
change. I hope that a new crop of young, big, and
fashionable girls grows up not feeling out of place
or like they can’t express themselves in that way
because of what I and others like me are doing
in the fashion world. Overall, I think the biggest
thing that has changed for me is my own mind;
my own acceptance of my body as the magical,
beautiful tool that it is and not letting my size or
weight be an excuse to not participate in fashion,
or in life for that matter. “LET THEM STARE!” is
sort of my motto now; I’d rather be stared at for
doing outrageous things in gorgeous outfits than
to be ignored in the corner for being a wallflower!
I’ve learned that people are going to stare, talk,
pg 12
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WINTER/2014

Fashion & Beauty
I’d rather be stared at for doing outrageous
things in gorgeous outfits than to be ignored in
the corner for being a wallflower !
“
”
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 13

Fashion & Beauty
and make fun of just about anyone who dares to
be different or interesting in any way, so I just do
what I want to do and disregard people whose
opinions of me don’t matter at all! They most
likely wish they had my confidence!
Who is your style icon?
Iris Apfel, Liberace, Daphne Guinness, Rihanna,
Stevie Nicks, Cher. Also, Alexander McQueen is
probably one of my biggest inspirations as well
as Vivienne Westwood. Free spirits who aren’t
interested in doing the same old same old, but
are interested in pushing their own eccentric
perspective and using fashion as a tool for
advancing their own agenda.
What is your favorite piece of clothing you’ve
ever owned?
Oh my god, impossible to narrow down to one!
Probably my mink cape!
What is your fashion advice to the world?
Wear what makes you feel good, be confident,
and wear shoes you can actually walk in because
nothing is more of a deal killer than a hobbling
fashion victim! Also, make something about each
outfit personal. Don’t wear it exactly how you saw
someone else wear it—add a little touch that is
unique to you. Mix it up a bit, and most importantly
HAVE FUN! Fashion shouldn’t be a chore; getting
dressed should be one of the joys of your day!
pg 14
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Fashion & Beauty
Makeup Tip/Life Hack:
Perfect Night-on-the-Town Eyes!
Author & Makeup Artist: Bethany Weber | Photographer: Katharine Lotze | Model: Jackie Li
If you spend as much time on Pinterest as I do,
then no doubt you have attempted some of the
super glam smoky eyes that seem to run rampant.
You may also have had a few “nailed it” moments
where your night was completely ruined by a
mess of eyeshadow, liner, and god knows what
else that somehow got caked all over your cheeks
and could only be removed with a mixture of jet
fuel and paint thinner. Never fear, ladies (and
fashionably adventurous gentlemen!): there is a
solution! Check out this issue’s beauty tip to keep
your eye makeup where it should be and create a
smooth, professional-looking line.
You will need:
• Eyeshadow primer
• Eyeshadow, liner, and mascara of choice
• Scotch Tape
1. Place tape on skin at an angle that looks good
to you.
2. Apply eyeshadow primer. This will boost the
vibrancy of the eyeshadow, help it last longer,
and help minimize creasing of the eyeshadow.
3. Apply eyeshadow as desired.
4. Remove tape.
5. Look fancy!
Bethany Weber is your average musician-turned-accountant,
apocalypse-ready, single girl in LA. She likes outdoor entertainment,
riding her bike, and smiling.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 15

Fashion & Beauty
THE SKIN
YOU’RE IN
Protecting Your Biggest, Most Beautiful Organ
by Nikki Hamilton
Strong and protective, yet soft and flexible. Water
resistant, yet porous. Skin is dynamic, wonderful
stuff. Each square inch of the human body’s largest
organ contains fifteen miles of blood capillaries,
a thousand or more nerve endings, hundreds of
eccrine sweat glands, and dozens of hair follicles
and sebaceous glands. The dermis and epidermis
require the full cooperation of several complex
systems in order to operate, yet skin hygiene
is often relegated to the realm of unnecessary
primping. No one would be considered vain for
properly caring for organs such as the heart, liver,
or kidneys, and those internal organs are sheltered
from the harsh conditions of daily wear to which
skin is so vulnerable. Skin deserves at least the
same level of attention and care.
Skin’s daily self-maintenance is a complicated
affair. The whole of its structure is not unlike a large
building. It has a facilities crew full of independent
players who work together to clean, maintain, and
repair the superstructure. Even when the crew is
doing a fantastic job, they still often need to be
managed, and when one worker isn’t collaborating
with the team or fulfilling the duties of the job, it’s
necessary to intervene. The same holds true for
skin. If dead skin cells aren’t shedding properly
and are clogging pores, or if sebum is being overor
under-produced, intervention is required to get
the system back into harmony.
Make Sanitation a Priority
This seems like an obvious one, but some germy
wellsprings can be perniciously subtle. All of them
fall into three basic categories: keep your hands
clean, keep items that touch your face clean, and
keep face-touching to a minimum. The first is a nobrainer.
Washing hands minimizes the transference
of skin oils from your hands to your face, and it
stops bacteria on objects you handle throughout
the day from making their way onto your visage.
Cleaning the items that regularly come into
contact with your face is equally important. For
example, cell phones can be a stealthy source of
acne. Remember to wipe down the surface of your
phone, and try not to rest it on your face when
making calls. Makeup brushes, pillowcases, and
towels should also be cleaned regularly to ensure
a clear complexion.
The third sanitation category can be the most
difficult to address because it requires that some
deeply ingrained habits be broken. Do you rest
your chin or cheek on your hand when sitting at
your desk or computer? Do you massage your
temples or the bridge of your nose to relieve
tension? Do you pick at your skin in the mirror? Do
you stroke your chin while meticulously plotting
global domination? If you regularly perform any
of these absentminded gestures, you may want
to make an effort to be more aware of your facefondling
habits. Consciously minimizing the
number of times you touch your face not only keeps
surface germs from spreading to your face from
your hands, but will also decrease the likelihood
pg 16
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Fashion & Beauty
of picking at or rupturing existing breakouts which
may spread acne-causing bacteria.
Think like a Chemist
Consider the pH of your skin and the products
used on it. The surface of your skin is covered by a
mildly-acidic film of sebum called the acid mantle.
This protective barrier shields your skin against
bacteria and other contaminants while locking in
lipids and moisture. In order to maintain a healthy,
functioning surface environment it is important to
avoid products that are overly acidic or alkaline, as
they can strip away the acid mantle. For cleansers,
consider mild and oil-based products. They’re
less alkaline than their harsh, foamy counterparts
and thus less likely to throw your skin’s pH out
of whack. Avoiding overly-acidic products is
equally essential. Overuse of acidic toners,
strong chemical exfoliants or acne and anti-aging
treatments (BHAs and AHAs, including salicylic
acid in concentrations greater than 2% and lactic,
citric, or glycolic acids in concentrations greater
than 10%) can disrupt the acid mantle and leave
skin dry and vulnerable Strong and protective,
yet soft and flexible. Water resistant, yet porous.
Skin is dynamic, wonderful stuff. Each square
inch of the human body’s largest organ contains
fifteen miles of blood capillaries, a thousand or
more nerve endings, hundreds of eccrine sweat
glands, and dozens of hair follicles and sebaceous
glands. The dermis and epidermis require the full
cooperation of several complex systems in order
to operate, yet skin hygiene is often relegated
to the realm of unnecessary primping. No one
would be considered vain for properly caring
for organs such as the heart, liver, or kidneys,
and those internal organs are sheltered from the
harsh conditions of daily wear to which skin is so
vulnerable. Skin deserves at least the same level
of attention and care.
Skin’s daily self-maintenance is a complicated
affair. The whole of its structure is not unlike
a large building. It has a facilities crew full of
independent players who work together to clean,
maintain, and repair the superstructure. Even
when the crew is doing a fantastic job, they still
often need to be managed, and when one worker
isn’t collaborating with the team or fulfilling the
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 17

Fashion & Beauty
duties of the job, it’s necessary to intervene. The
same holds true for skin. If dead skin cells aren’t
shedding properly and are clogging pores,
or if sebum is being over- or under-produced,
intervention is required to get the system back
into harmony.
Make Sanitation a Priority
This seems like an obvious one, but some germy
wellsprings can be perniciously subtle. All of
them fall into three basic categories: keep your
hands clean, keep items that touch your face
clean, and keep face-touching to a minimum.
The first is a no-brainer. Washing hands minimizes
the transference of skin oils from your hands to
your face, and it stops bacteria on objects you
handle throughout the day from making their
way onto your visage. Cleaning the items that
regularly come into contact with your face is
equally important. For example, cell phones can
be a stealthy source of acne. Remember to wipe
down the surface of your phone, and try not to
rest it on your face when making calls. Makeup
brushes, pillowcases, and towels should also be
cleaned regularly to ensure a clear complexion.
The third sanitation category can be the most
difficult to address because it requires that some
deeply ingrained habits be broken. Do you rest
your chin or cheek on your hand when sitting at
your desk or computer? Do you massage your
temples or the bridge of your nose to relieve
tension? Do you pick at your skin in the mirror?
Do you stroke your chin while meticulously
plotting global domination? If you regularly
perform any of these absentminded gestures,
you may want to make an effort to be more
aware of your face-fondling habits. Consciously
minimizing the number of times you touch
your face not only keeps surface germs from
spreading to your face from your hands, but
will also decrease the likelihood of picking at or
rupturing existing breakouts which may spread
acne-causing bacteria.
Think like a Chemist
Consider the pH of your skin and the products
used on it. The surface of your skin is covered
by a mildly-acidic film of sebum called the acid
mantle. This protective barrier shields your skin
against bacteria and other contaminants while
locking in lipids and moisture. In order to maintain
a healthy, functioning surface environment it
is important to avoid products that are overly
acidic or alkaline, as they can strip away the acid
mantle. For cleansers, consider mild and oil-based
products. They’re less alkaline than their harsh,
foamy counterparts and thus less likely to throw
your skin’s pH out of whack. Avoiding overly-acidic
products is equally essential. Overuse of acidic
toners, strong chemical exfoliants or acne and
anti-aging treatments (BHAs and AHAs, including
salicylic acid in concentrations greater than 2%
and lactic, citric, or glycolic acids in concentrations
greater than 10%) can disrupt the acid mantle and
leave skin dry and vulnerable.
This scientific approach to skincare doesn’t
only apply to store-bought products. At-home
remedies have a natural, nourishing DIY appeal,
but the wrong combinations can cause allergic
reactions, broken capillaries, irritation, and even
chemical burns. Ingredients lying far outside of the
weakly acidic to neutral pH range—items such as
baking soda and lemon juice—can cause painful
reactions and should not be used on the face. Take
a cue from your own skin and use neutral or weakly
acidic products that mimic the environment of
your own acid mantle.
Avoid Irritation and Damage
According to aesthetician and YouTube guru
Veronica Gorgeois, irritation is the enemy of skin
and should be avoided at all costs. Whether the
result of overly-strenuous exfoliation, allergic
reactions, or simply a product that isn’t right
for your specific skin chemistry, irritation can
cause redness, swelling, eventual scarring, and
discomfort. If any part of your skin routine causes
visible irritation, it should be eliminated. Common
offenders include vigorous physical exfoliation
and harsh or drying cleansers. Above all, listen
to your skin; if a product doesn’t feel good, don’t
continue to use it. If you’re considering adding
a new product to your skincare routine and are
unsure whether it will irritate your complexion,
always patch test it first. Choose a patch of skin on
or just below your jawline, apply a small amount
of the product, and check for irritation or allergic
reactions over the course of 24 to 48 hours. If the
pg 18
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Fashion & Beauty
patch test doesn’t cause any breakouts, rashes,
dryness, itching or general irritation, it’s probably
safe to integrate into your regimen.
Avoiding risky ingredients isn’t the only aspect of
an irritation-free complexion. Minimizing harmful
sun exposure is a big piece of the anti-irritation
puzzle, no matter your skin tone. Many forms of
damage, including sunburn, sunspots, photoaging
and skin cancer can be avoided with the daily
use of a broad-spectrum sunscreen. It is important
to wear sun protection every day, as incidental
exposure (incurred even when driving or sitting
next to a window) can cause permanent damage.
When choosing a sunscreen, look for one that
blocks both UVA (skin-aging radiation) and UVB
(sunburn-causing and carcinogenic radiation) rays,
thus ensuring that you are adequately protecting
yourself from melanoma and non-melanoma
skin cancers. If you have sensitive skin that reacts
negatively to ingredients in chemical sunscreens,
try a mineral sunscreen containing titanium
dioxide or zinc dioxide. With a little searching and
sampling, anyone can find a sunscreen to suit their
individual skin needs. It is worth the effort to find
one and use it every day—this one step in your
routine can save both your skin and your life.
Recognize Your Skin as a Living Thing
Skin is alive and dynamic. It isn’t dead leather; it
isn’t inert. Skin will change over time, so skincare
routines should be evaluated at least every 10
years to make sure they’re still a good fit. Hormone
production is directly tied to sebum production
and plays a big role in overall skin health. Periods of
intense hormonal fluctuation (puberty, pregnancy,
change in hormonal birth control, menopause,
etc.) are ideal times to reevaluate the products
and processes used. If a product that used to
work for you is suddenly too drying, too oily, or
generally irritating, it’s time to stop using it. Every
action taken and product used on the skin should
improve it and make it feel good. If you treat your
dermis gently and kindly, this major organ will
cover you through a long and healthy life.
R eco g n i z e
Y o u r
S k i n
a s a
L i v i n g
T h i n g
Nikki Hamilton is a skincare enthusiast
and creator of nouveaunikki.com. She is
a recent transplant to Seattle and firm
believer in science-based skincare. In her
spare time, she enjoys hiking, craft beer,
and attending the symphony..
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 19

So You Wanna...
pg 20
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WINTER/2014

So You Wanna...
SO YOU WANNA...
open
yourRELATIONSHIP
by Annette Lyn O’Neil
photo by Katharine Kay Lotze
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 21

So You Wanna...
“So it’s an ‘open’ thing, huh?”
My mouth hangs slightly open. I wasn’t ready
for the question.
I’m standing at a bar, in the process of gathering
up my change from the sticky wooden surface.
Moments ago, I had waded into what I had
assumed would be a brief, superficial conversation
about the terrible music reeling from the speakers,
perhaps, or about shoes. My sparring partner: a
very young woman who runs the reception desk at
my boyfriend’s work. At the time, I had been seeing
this man for several months, and I had been with
my partner for almost five years. The two men are
friends. I love them both—passionately, certainly,
uniquely. We share a healthy, functional open relationship,
albeit one that straddles a very large
ocean.
I reply in the affirmative, and she looks at me as
if to say, “Go on.”
I am silent, wishing she would ask me specific
questions.
I remember struggling mightily in relationships
when I was her age, thinking that my inability to
create love in a vacuum betrayed a fatal flaw. I
wanted to be able to tell her yes, there is another
way. There are a hundred thousand other ways.
An open relationship cross-pollinates the limitless
human heart. Love is infinite in its amount and
its diversity, and openness chooses not to limit the
boundaries of its expression. Openness puts aside
fear for adventure; recontextualizes sex as playful
conversation; trades contractual ownership for joyful
trust. Openness celebrates the sacred uniqueness—the
absolute irreplaceability—of every human
relationship. Openness, done right, elevates.
First, however, you have to crack yourself open—
and so do those you’re with.
I’ll begin with a caveat: I’m not qualified to write
a treatise that addresses every open relationship.
Openness implies—no, demands—the nerdily
Spockian concept of “infinite diversity in infinite
combinations”. Openness accepts everything,
predicated only on the presence of profound love,
accountability, and trust.
For these purposes, the term “open” refers to
a relationship where three or more adults who are
mutually aware and respectful of each other have a
shared love relationship. The definition ends there.
Sex may or may not happen between any of the individuals.
Casual relationships may be introduced
to the equation through one or more of the partners.
The definitions of each relationship may flex.
Every truly open relationship, however, shares
two core values: love, and the openness from which
it takes its name. An open relationship is one in
which trust and communication take the reins from
labeling and ownership; where partners stay in the
context of the relationship from love and joy, not
obligation.
Do you really want to open
your relationship? Here’s how.
#1
If you’re not blissfully
happy in your current
relationship, stop right
there.
In your heart of hearts, you know if your bid for openness
is coming from a desire to make a “safe” relationship
transition. An open relationship is not a net under your
tightrope while you make a change that you know
needs to be made.
If you aren’t happy, do the brave thing. Leave.
#2
Talk. Then keep talking.
Then never stop talking.
For many partners in a happy open relationship, the
breach of the topic came up quite organically. This is not
to say that the conversation was easy; it was, of course,
incredibly difficult. All I can tell you is this: it’s vital to listen
as much as you speak, and you must learn to love the
process of renegotiating boundaries.
Another note: try not to approach these conversations
as debates. Instead, see them as opportunities to learn
more about the partners you love. Emotional nakedness
can be as sexy as the other kind.
#3
Research the birthplace
of your feelings.
Seek to understand the sociohistorical context of sexual
jealousy, and, more importantly, that it is not “part of
human nature”. It’s a construct, and it can be set out of
the way. Start here: Anita Wagner’s excellent Making
Peace with Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships
syllabus (available on practicalpolyamory.com), and
the best-researched anthropological work on the
subject, Sex at Dawn.
pg 22
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So You Wanna...
#4
Get real.
If you think you’re headed for a fantasyland of nostrings,
boot-knockin’ fun time, you’re going to be sorely
disappointed. Trust me, your previous experiences of
jealousy have been nasty—but remote. They’ve been
epithets hurled across a football field. Once you’re open,
you’re going to be oil-wrestling with jealousy, naked,
in front of a slavering audience. You’ll learn jealousy’s
multiple identities: possessiveness, competitiveness,
exclusiveness, and fear of abandonment. You’re going
to identify its disabling blows at the same time it finds
yours. It’s going to dig sharpened fingernails into your
every unresolved insecurity. It’s going to be intimate. It’s
gonna hurt.
Your only weapon is communication. You must learn to
use it incredibly well.
#5
Remember to be open.
“Polyamorous” is a description. “Open” is a verb.
OPEN
ANYWAY
OPEN
ALWAYS
OPEN
STRONG
Open up to courage, to patience, to self-love. Open into
the most independent, emotionally-healthy being you
can be. When you feel fear start to wrap a fist around
you, push back open with the determination to act as
lovingly as possible, keeping everyone’s best interests
at heart—including your own. Open to possibilities.
Even when you don’t want to.
Especially when you don’t want to.
Open anyway, open always, and open strong.
My friend at the bar sees me struggle for words.
She looks away at my boyfriend across the room,
and my eyes follow hers, scanning the crowd in the
dappled light. He is tranquil in the surging tide of
dancers: a Bernini, radiant and smooth, contoured
and solid and poised.
“You really like him, don’t you?”
Yeah. I’m crazy about him.
And there’s so much more to the story.
Annette Lyn O’Neil is a location-independent writer/producer,
journalist, and airsports athlete. She writes about
flying nylon for the Extreme Sports section on About.com—
and about her other consuming passion, lifestyle design, at
sustainablelunacy.com.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 23

STICK SHIFTS
& STILETTOS
Popping
the Hood
by Cadence Valentine
illustrations by Adrian Yablin
pg 24
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WINTER/2014

Imagine this: you hop in the car. A quick jaunt to
work, picking up the kids, headed to the market, or
some otherwise banal task that requires no further
effort than jumping in your trusty vehicle, turning
the key, pushing that, pulling this, and pressing
that, and off you go. All automated cognitive
abilities at this point, as you briskly negotiate traffic
and landmarks and all other temporary obstacles
on your path . . . and then it happens.
That light on the dashboard comes on. Your
heart races. Then the sound. The one that you’ll
have to try and reproduce for the mechanic while
making that weird face. . . oh, the agony! The
adrenaline builds, as you don’t know whether this
is just a bag fluttering under your front bumper or
if your car is about to tick down to its explosive
death Jack Bauer-style.
Even if you don’t realize it, it’s not the car itself
that causes this stress. Oftentimes it isn’t even the
guesswork and luck that goes into figuring out if
this will be a couple of foregone frappuccinos or
if you should start Googling “How much can I sell
my kidney for?” No: it’s the knowledge that you’ll
have to appear before the grease-monkey god
and hope that he doesn’t see your female frame
and mentally make the “cha-ching” sound. Or,
even worse, speak to you as if you wore a propeller
hat and licked windows for fun.
If you are a woman, I am sure I just struck a
chord or two of eye-roll-worthy memories and
cringe-inducing moments. Being a woman and
owning a car can be an utter nightmare. Not
because we don’t know how to drive. Statistically,
women are in fact safer drivers. It isn’t because
we don’t know how to shop for one, as, last I
checked, estrogen does not prohibit analytical
thought, deeper reasoning, or the ability to
negotiate. And most vitally, it isn’t because we lack
the ability to understand the inner workings of
our 3,000-pound people movers. Simply put, we
have been conditioned, often in extremely subtle
and insidious ways, to have an almost Pavlovian
fear response whenever something on a car goes
wrong, and, as a result, take it to the shop, bat our
eyelashes, and hope that this time he’ll be gentle.
I say “he’ll,” because we have also been firmly
persuaded that being a mechanic is not a job for
women, as “men are pre-wired for mechanical
mumbo-jumbo.”
To many, it is actually shocking how simple
the basic functions of a car are, once they are
taught by someone who doesn’t treat them as
a functional idiot. And, yes, men and women do
get treated differently in that respect. I can tell
you firsthand, because, for nearly three decades
of my life, I was seen by society as “one of them,”
an XY chromosome wonder-wrench—handed my
“mechanical knowledge” certificate upon being
born and set forth upon the world to be a knight
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Stick Shifts & Stilletos
in shining armor to all you damsels in distress. But
they messed up. They didn’t realize that I was
actually one of those damsels. So I can tell you I
had countless experiences from before where my
authority went unquestioned (even at times when
I was talking out of the place where the “sun don’t
shine”), but, as soon as I pumped some estrogen
in my veins and showed up to a shop looking
more like someone who “should” be on the hood
rather than under it, apparently my ability to turn
a wrench or diagnose a car went right out the
window.
But I assure you: just because I traded in
the grease stains for “war paint,” the Dickies
(alternating days khaki and gunmetal gray) for a
sassy summer dress with matching strappy heels,
just because the curves are now more often
experienced on my body than by it, it doesn’t
mean my toolbox now pines for an owner who
hasn’t forgotten how to set a torque wrench, who
still knows how obnoxious it is that America can’t
just decide on metric like the rest of the civilized
world.
My experience gained from years of
building performance cars, racing professionally,
negotiating with insurance adjustors, and all the
ins and outs of prototypical car-related “manhood”
is still alive and well. And, to be honest, few things
get this gal’s RPMs going more than having a
mechanic condescendingly brush me aside with
his “knowledge” only for me to, with a smile and
two swoops of mascara-adorned lashes, put him
in his place.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Not all of them are
like that. I do know of a good number of shops
and mechanics who were “raised right” and know
that a lady is a woman is a human, and humans
have brains. That intelligence and capacity for
understanding deserve a human, not gender,
metric, and that just because she may not “get it,”
that isn’t the signal to become 21st-century robber
barons.
The reason many do not abide by that basic
tenet of respect is because, just as women are
raised to “leave it to the man,” some men, finding
“it” left to them, in turn see an opportunity and
take it.
So how do we break the cycle? Well, for starters,
let’s just go with the tried and true “knowledge is
power” idea. We fear what we don’t know, and,
by extension, feel subservient in situations where
we are at the mercy of those that do. You needn’t
feel this way. Your car isn’t Sybil, who at any turn
goes from your wonderful four-wheeled statement
of freedom to a shackle of your dependency and
forced need for blind trust in Juan . . . or is that
James? I can’t make out the patch on his coveralls
from the grease.
So, in this first column, I will give you some
of the basic knowledge that will help you better
understand what goes on under that hood that
makes it so you can get from point A to B faster than
by your own two feet or the power of Mr. Ed. No
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Stick Shifts & Stilletos
double-talk, no condescension, no downplaying,
just frank and honest discourse on one of the
most amazing technologies (arguable if you drive
a newfangled E-lectric automobile): the internal
combustion engine. (And don’t worry. If you own a
plug-in, we’ll get to you in a later column.)
“It goes boom.”
No, I am not referring to that horrid sound you
hear from one of four corners of your car on the
freeway making you wonder if you paid AAA this
month. I am talking about the engine of your car.
And, no, that is not always the sound of something
going wrong. The “boom” I am talking about is the
series of controlled explosions that occur inside
that engine many times a second that, tuned in
perfect harmony, provide you with the energy that
is converted into torque and momentum to propel
you forward. The internal combustion engine (and
if you have to put gas in your car, you have one) is
nothing more than a vacuum device that uses fuel
and air in a carefully-timed concert of explosions
to move you.
Many new technologies have come about over
the last century or so of automotive design, but, at
its very core, little has changed about this perfect
marriage of fuel and air exploding into horizontal
acceleration.
The basic principle of a gas engine is this: your
engine operates under a constant vacuum, pulling
more air in the more you press down on the
accelerator pedal. In the older days mechanically,
now almost exclusively computer controlled, the
engine adds in precise amounts of fuel to mix with
the air, and that mixture, once inside one of the
numerous cylinders, is ignited by your spark plug
at exactly the right moment. This forces a piston
down, which is connected to a crank that then turns.
This motion is carried through your transmission
all the way out to your wheels, making them turn.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 27

Tips from
the toolbox
Lube it or lose it
the intricacies of your oil
When it comes to motor oil, the conspiracies and theories top those about the JFK assassination. Allow me to offer some
clarification, since getting it right is the difference between a happy car and an expensive repair bill.
There are two factors you should look out for when buying oil. The first is the type (mineral/synthetic/blend) and the
second is viscosity (usually denoted on the bottle as 5w20/10w40 and so on). The information regarding what viscosity
oil your engine requires is noted in your owner’s manual, but, if that is not in your possession, you can ask the clerk at
any auto-parts store to look it up for you by giving him the basics (make/model/year/engine type/size), or if you have
the Vehicle Identification Number, he can decode from there.
Now what I am about to say is a tad bit controversial, as every grease monkey has their own ritual and belief system
centered on oil, but this comes from a decade of research and hands-on experience: yes, synthetic oil is a bit more
expensive, and, yes, it is worth it. The benefits of synthetic oil have been more than proven:
pg 28
pg 28
- Greater ability to withstand heat and friction.
- Longer duration of active use before breakdown.
- Better consistency over the long term.
As with anything “better” you are going to pay a bit more, but in the end it all evens out. Don’t fall for the quickie oil
changes that charge between 20 and 40 bucks, as what they are putting in is the cheapest of cheap that comes in
a 55-gallon barrel. It is mineral oil and may not even last as long as your specified manufacturer duration. You can still
go to them and have them do the work—just take your own oil and filter.
Some of today’s cars come with oil change service intervals of three/five/ten thousand miles. If you are only using the
manufacturer-specified oil and it is either a mineral or blend, go with the service interval on the owner’s manual. But
if you want to, every vehicle will benefit from a switch to synthetic oil, which you can do at any time (just don’t switch
back and forth). Go down to your local auto-parts store and get the synthetic version of whichever viscosity your car
requires. Synthetics such as Mobil 1 and Royal Purple will far outlast, and still perform perfectly beyond, the three- or
five-thousand-mile interval, and, if you get the five-gallon jugs (don’t get the individual quart bottles) you will save a
grip (buy in bulk as they always say).
Now, finally, the easiest way to tell if you need an oil change is simply to check your oil. Out of the bottle most oils
(except for Royal Purple which is, surprise, purple) will have a golden amber color and smell fairly neutral and mineral-y.
Now, to check your oil (it is so damn simple, any of you can do it), you simply, with the engine off, pop your hood and
look for your dipstick. It will most often be towards the right or left of center of your engine. Pull the dipstick out, wipe it
off, and put it back in until it is completely seated. Then pull it back out and look at the indicator bar at the very end. This
indicator will show you the displacement of one quart of oil, so if it reads to the top, you are good; if it reads towards
the middle, you are down about half a quart; and if it doesn’t even register, you are down at least one quart or more,
so it’s time to add more oil pronto. The second test is simply to rely on your smell and sight. If the oil looks dark and dirty,
or if it smells pungent and burnt, it more than likely will be time for a change.
The last item worth mentioning is your oil filter. This item is so often overlooked, even by those who drop the extra coin
for good oil. Oil will lubricate and cool your engine, but even it can’t do its job if there are particles floating about in it
without decent filtration. Every time you change your oil, change your filter as well, and get a good one. You will find a
wide selection at any reputable auto-parts store, and you will find that the difference in price between good and great
is oftentimes just the amount of loose change rattling around under your seat. I highly recommend K&N, Mobil 1, or
Wicks filters. Stay far away from FRAM and some of the other cheapy brands. There are plenty of videos on YouTube
that will make you cringe when you see why.
So, with that said:
- Check your oil once a week.
- If it is low, add. If it is dark and/or burnt, change it.
- If you | want FALL/2013 longer oil change intervals, spring for the synthetic stuff.
Hussy
- Get a good filter.
Hussy | WINTER/2014

Stick Shifts & Stilletos
These timed explosions happen in unison with one
another, giving you smooth, continuous motion
forward. This, in most modern internal combustion
engines, is the process called the four-stroke cycle
(see diagram).
The process is slightly different in diesel
engines, where in fact the air doesn’t mix with
the fuel using a spark plug to ignite. Instead the
engine compresses the air to the point that just
the sheer pressure causes the air to heat up. At
a certain point, diesel oil is injected and upon
contacting the superheated air, ignites.
Now, the most common types of engines for
passenger vehicles are four-, six-, or eight-cylinder
engine combos. There is no hidden meaning there.
These just mean that your car is equipped with an
engine that has four or six or eight cylinders in it,
in which this merry series of pyrotechnics occurs.
You will also hear things such as “V6” or “I4.” All
this refers to is the arrangement of the cylinders
in your engine. In an I-configuration engine, all
the cylinders are neatly in line with one another,
hence the term “in-line” or “I” engine, while in a
V-configuration (a V6, for example), the cylinders
are in a V configuration in which one series of
cylinders (1, 3, 5) is on one slope of the V, while the
other set (2, 4, 6) is on the other slope.
I mentioned a term earlier that you will hear
ad nauseam if you watch too many of the “manlyman”
truck ads, which tout this T-word as if it
were a commercial for Viagra. Although to some
men the sound of this does bear a correlation
with testosterone levels, in this case I am talking
about torque: the term used to describe the
transformation of lateral movement (the motion
of the pistons in the cylinder) into rotational
movement (the turning of the crank to which the
pistons are connected).
Torque is what we can actually measure and
then convert into a(n overly-hyped) mathematically
calculated number that you hear in commercials,
a number that bears little relevance pragmatically.
That number is horsepower. I will address
horsepower in more depth in a later column, but,
trust me, it matters far less than most manufacturers
would have you believe.
I want to get briefly into a key facet of your car
and how to make sure it lives a long and happy
life. At some point in reading this, you may have
wondered why the engine doesn’t just blow itself to
smithereens through a lifetime of such explosions.
Well, it very well might, unless you make sure that
it gets the blood and cooling it needs.
Like the human body, the engine needs
blood to live, but in this case it isn’t our oxygenrich
ruby-red fluid, but the “juice” made from
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 29

Stick Shifts & Stilletos
refining ancient, compressed dinosaur carcasses
and dead plants, otherwise known as oil. This is,
bar none, the most important thing you need to
worry about, and when I say worry, don’t. Barring
mechanical defect and user error in other areas,
the difference between a running car that still
remembers the Reagan era and one that drains
your retirement fund faster than Bernie Madoff on
a spry day is maintenance. And the cornerstone
of a maintenance regimen is oil. To withstand
the insane stresses and ridiculous pressures put
on them, engines are all made out of metals.
Regardless of alloy or composition, rubbing two
unlubricated pieces of metal together is a recipe
for disaster. Ta da da da: oil.
Oil is a multipurpose wonder drug for your
engine, as it has been engineered over time to
lubricate and cool through even the tiniest of
passageways. It is literally the difference between
the life and death of any engine. Having enough
and the right kind of oil is critical for making
sure your second largest investment (for all you
homeowners out there) stays alive and purring for
years to come. I can tell you, beyond a shadow of
a doubt, in all my years running a shop, it was by
far the most overlooked and most misunderstood
maintenance item. Check the sidebar for some
specifics on some of the most commonly asked
questions when it comes to oil.
With that ends our first foray into the not-soscary
composition of moving parts known as “your
car.” In future articles we are going to to delve into
many of the other components found under your
hood and behind your dashboard, and I’ll share
countless tips I’ve picked up over the years that
will assist you in navigating around your car and
not just in it.
Your car is your buddy and your mechanic can
be your ally—both just need a little understanding,
communication, respect, and, sometimes, a firm
kick in the rear.
Described as "a force of nature" by many who meet her, Cadence
has been a US Marine, crew chief and team leader for a pro
race team while running her hot-rod shop, and most recently a
red-maned firestorm of activism primarily for the transgender
community. While earning her chops on her way to an MSW, this
Angeleno by way of Budapest with her witty flair is ready to kick
off the heels and demystify your wheels.
Adrian Yablin is a 23-year-old freelance illustrator/jeweler/tea
aficionado living in Brooklyn. When she isn’t working she is most
likely bothering her cats, eating some form of carbohydrate, or
social dancing. She probably spends too much time on reddit, but
that’s ok because we all do.
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Relationship Profile
Relationship Profile
Jessi
&
Rolo
Photos courtesy of Jessi & Rolo
Give us a snapshot of yourself, an idea of who you
are, in a few sentences.
Jessi: Who I am in a few words is not an easy task,
but I’ll do my best starting with the fact that I am
a goofball! I love to be goofy and make jokes
and laugh. I love people. Everybody has such a
different story and they all interest me, almost as
much as teaching does.
Rolo: I am a 27-year-old child stuck in a man’s body.
I come from a loving family; both of my parents
emigrated from Cuba in the late 70s. I hold a
marketing degree from Cal State Northridge
where I was a standout on our track and field team,
qualifying for the NCAA national championships in
both of my events: the long jump and triple jump.
I have always been involved in sports, and even
today I am very active. I am currently a dedicated/
obsessive triathlete.
What type of relationship person are you?
Jessi: I’m a give-it-your-all kind of relationship
person. I love, and I love with everything I’ve got.
I’ve seen different types of relationships: bad
ones, terrible ones, and ones that seem okay. I
didn’t know the type of relationship that I have
was possible. Your significant other should be your
friend, not just your lover. This has only changed
by experiencing it with Rolo.
Rolo: I have always viewed relationships as an
extension of a friendship. Without being friends
with my significant other, it just doesn’t work for
me. I am happy to say I have always been like this;
I’m just lucky it finally worked out.
When did you meet?
Jessi: I met Rolando in 2008, about three months
after I moved to California from Virginia. My best
friend Kaili told me there was this guy she worked
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Relationship Profile
“I
didn’t know the type of relationship that I
have was possible. Your significant other
should be your friend, not just your lover.”
with who reminded her of me and how silly I am.
I met him when I went to see her at work in LA. I
lived in San Diego and drove up for the weekend.
Rolo: I met Jessi in the summer before my fifth
year in college.
What was your first impression?
Jessi: “Oh hell, my friend is trying to set me up
with a guy she knows from work!? Okay, he’s cute
and funny; we can party together, why not? What’s
there to lose?” It’s not like I even lived there. I
didn’t think it was going to go anywhere. He was
athletic, intelligent, and driven, and I wasn’t even
sure who I was yet.
Rolo: I immediately believed she was out of my
league, and still do to this day. She was the most
beautiful person I had ever met, and that still holds
true today. Only after getting to speak to her did I
realize she’s just as wacky as I am.
Tell me the story of how you ended up together.
Jessi: The day we met, we went to a party. I was with
Kaili, he came with his friend Awet, and we played
King’s Cup. If anybody knows what that is, they
know an interesting night followed that game. We
danced, kissed, joked, and drank. He kinda played
me—he says he didn’t, but in all honesty, and as
embarrassing as it is, he did. I left though and
went home to San Diego after that. We would say
hi every once in a while, but didn’t make much of
it until I went back to LA in December of ’08. When
he found out I was up there, he asked to take me
out to dinner. I told him I was heading home, so
he could take me to dinner, but he’d have to drive
down to San Diego to do it. The next weekend he
was there, in San Diego, ready to take me out to
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Relationship Profile
dinner. That night still replays in my head. It was so
natural, fun, and full of laughter. I didn’t know why,
but he was different. On our first date, January
3rd, 2009, we made our waitress cry—in a good
way—because of a silly joke that we played off of
each other until we couldn’t anymore; she told us
that we would last and laughed with us, and said
she hoped to see us again a year later. From that
night on, we were together almost every weekend.
I would drive up or he would drive down. Eleven
months later we were engaged and got married
two and a half years later on July 23rd, 2011.
Rolo: She will probably say I “played her” for a
while. I guess that is true to a point, but once I
decided to let her in close, which took about six to
eight months, it was amazing. I had gone through a
very bad breakup and didn’t want a relationship—I
just wanted to see what was out there. I would be
lying if I said I didn’t take advantage of that, but I
actually learned a lot and found myself, which let
me find her.
What was a moment that made you realize or reinforced
how you felt?
Jessi: We had a fight, our first real fight. We
were living together and I don’t even know what
the fight was about, but I thought it was over. I
thought the fight meant that this man that I had
fallen in love with and I were done. I started to
think about moving and whether I wanted to stay
in LA or move back to San Diego. We calmed
down and I said something along the lines of what
I was thinking and how I figured it was over, and
he said, “No, that’s not how this works. We fight,
we figure it out, and we grow from it.” I was so
confused. He said, “Just trust me. You’ve gotta
start somewhere, right?” As much as I hate to
admit when this happens, he was right.
Rolo: I came home late one night after a track meet
in college. She had gotten into my apartment and
laid in wait in the dark for me to get home. She
lived in San Diego at the time so I didn’t expect
her to be there. She scared the living you know
what out of me, and thought it was hilarious. That
did it—that’s when I knew she was a keeper.
When did you first say I love you?
Jessi: Only a couple of months after we started
dating. I was terrified and didn’t realize that I was
so in love with him, but I knew I loved him. I said
I love you and he said it back. I didn’t know what
it was like to feel that loved by someone whom
you loved as well; not because they were family
and you needed them, but because your hearts
wanted each other.
Rolo: It wasn’t long after we started dating, maybe
a month or two. I knew well before that. Our
relationship moved forward very quickly. It just
worked.
What, for you, has been the biggest thing you’ve
learned from this relationship?
Jessi: Putting myself in his position before voicing
my feelings. When I get frustrated I tend to jump
the gun and come off in a manner that I wasn’t
meaning to come off in. I’ve learned, and am still
learning, to take a second and make sure the way
that I’m saying something is how I really mean it.
Rolo: That there really is someone meant for
everyone. No one else could put up with me, my
schedule, and my attitude at times like Jessi can.
And she is not always a peach either, but I love her
even when she is driving me up a wall. Which is
probably what bothers me so much about her.
“Life
is precious and way too short
to live without the one you love.”
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Relationship Profile
The two of you come from different cultural and
ethnic backgrounds. What can you tell us about that?
Jessi: The biggest thing I can say about it is
that I don’t speak Spanish. I’m learning and am
understanding more and more but it gets hard. His
family is so wonderful and do their best to include
me, but when they get going I tend to get a little
lost. Rolo always fills me in at the end though. It’s
pretty cool to experience life with his family around
as they are so loving and accepting of me, and
the food is incredible! I think the difference only
makes us stronger; we have differences that are
fun to learn about and explore together. He got to
see where I was born and experience shooting a
gun into a field in Virginia, and I get to experience
the way he was brought up.
Rolo: Well, she’s learning Spanish and being
exposed to a lot of different things very quickly.
I have been surrounded by traditional American
culture my whole life, so it’s not really an adjustment
for me. She’s been a champ though and I really try
to include her as much as I can, but it is hard to
pause and remember that she can’t understand
Spanish like the rest of my family can.
What has been your biggest challenge in this
relationship?
“Love isn’t a possession or
something that can be put into words;
it’s a feeling, a passion, and something
to be cherished.”
Jessi: Knowing and fully grasping that this is okay,
that I deserve the love and friendship that this
man and I have. It was really hard for me for a long
time—I questioned it so much. I was afraid of it.
Rolo: It’s going to sound sappy, but it’s spending
time apart. She really is my best friend and keeps
me on an even keel. While I cherish my alone time,
I hate being away from her. Life just isn’t as much
fun without her.
What is advice you would give to your younger self if
you could (any age you like)?
Jessi: Every stage of your life is going to be
different. Appreciate each and every step of the
way, even if it hurts—it makes you who you are.
Rolo: Enjoy what you are doing right now more.
Tomorrow will come. If you look too far ahead, you
will miss today.
Tell us about an adventure you’ve shared together.
Jessi: I’m happy to say we’ve been lucky enough
to have a few adventures, but my favorite so far is
definitely getting lost in Rome. We had no idea
where we were, but it was wonderful, just being
together and finding our way by asking random
people in a language neither one of us spoke.
That day was unforgettable.
Rolo: My favorite adventure was getting completely
lost in Rome, Italy. It was awesome, we got to see
a whole different side of Rome we would have
missed and had so much fun finding ourselves.
That city will always be special to us.
How would you define love?
Jessi: I’m not sure it’s able to be defined. It’s such
a big word that I feel so many people just throw
around. If I were to try and define it, I would say that
love is unconditional. Love has no limits. It’s doing
everything in your power to make someone happy.
Love is inspiration, laughter, butterflies. Even years
down the road, love is being completely enthralled
with the presence and touch of that person, and
feeling completely safe in their arms. Love knows
no bounds. Love isn’t a possession or something
that can be put into words; it’s a feeling, a passion,
and something to be cherished.
Rolo: I can’t—it’s not something that can be
expressed in words. If you think you can, you have
no idea what it is yet. Of course my wife is much
smarter than I am, so I’m sure she will have some
beautiful eloquent way to describe it and make me
look bad. That’s okay—remember, she completes
me.
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Relationship Profile
Share a story or moment from your relationship that
you feel encapsulates who you two are and your
relationship with each other.
Jessi: He will probably say something silly like
him smashing whipped cream in my face, or me
tomato slapping him (yes, those things happen);
then again, he has a way of surprising me with
random sweet moments. But I would have to
say our honeymoon completely encapsulates
our relationship. We love to be outside and be
adventurous, but we also love to take naps. Our
honeymoon was just that. We went to Catalina
Island [off the coast of California]. We would do
an awesome activity like snorkeling, jet skiing,
zip-lining, or parasailing, then would go back,
eat lunch, take a nap, and then go out to dinner.
We were just us, away from the stress of life, just
enjoying each other.
Rolo: Our honeymoon was great and tells you all
you need to know about us. We went to Catalina
for a week. If you’ve ever been, you know that to
be there a full week is way more time than you
need to see that island. But we had so much fun
just being with one another doing fun athletic
things like snorkeling, parasailing and zip-lining.
We really enjoy being with one another with few
distractions, and that time and that place will
always be special to us.
Is there anything else would you like to share? Any
advice? A story or message?
Jessi: Love and accept yourself. You can’t expect
to truly love someone else if you don’t love yourself
first.
Rolo: I just want to say—and I know my wife will
agree—love is an amazing thing that can take
shape in very different ways and situations. It
should be cherished and enjoyed to its fullest. Life
is precious and way too short to live without the
one you love. So when you find it—and you will—
don’t be afraid, just go along for the wonderful
ride it is.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 35

Business Corner
the
Importance
of the
Mentor
Part One: Finding a Mentor
By Becky Paroz, CPPM (Certified Practising Project Manager)
In recent years, there has been a massive focus
on the phenomena of mentoring. You can find inhouse
mentor programs run by employers, you
can undertake career mentoring through your
industry body or technical group, or you can set up
your own mentoring relationship in the absence
of, or to complement, either of those options.
This article focuses on you, the independent
career woman, taking charge of your challenge
to the glass ceiling, and getting a mentor of your
own.
“What is the difference between a mentor and a
coach?” is one of the first questions I get when
asked about mentoring. The way I see it, there are
elements of coaching in a mentor relationship, but
coaching tends to focus on specific issues and can
involve habit change and goal-setting processes
as a part of the session. A mentoring relationship
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can be a lot less formal than structured coaching.
For a business approach, these are the definitions
I use:
• Mentor: A wise and trusted counselor or teacher. A known
source of industry knowledge and experience.
• Mentoring: The delivery of knowledge to a willing listener.
The guidance of a senior or experienced person given to
a less experienced person.
• Mentee: The person receiving the mentoring from a
mentor.
An example of the difference between a coach
and a mentor might be the solutions they provide
for the same issue: work/life balance. A coach will
look at how you break down your time, and if you
do have any separation between work and home
life. They might set you practical tasks such as
two hours without your phone each day when at
home, not taking work home for a week, or something
similar depending on your specific situation.
A mentor—particularly a career mentor—would

Business Corner
probably offer a different approach by discussing
effective time management skills, delegation and
team task allocation, or efficiency in a particular
area. Both offer great ideas and both will work,
but the tools used and concepts focused on are
very different. A coach in this situation would not
have to have knowledge of your industry to help
in the above manner. A mentor most likely would
in order to be effective in offering practical work
suggestions.
Often, when you look inside the company you
work for, a token effort can be given to the
process of mentoring, but it might not be working
in a way that benefits you. There can be many
reasons for that, but one of the strongest is in
the competitive world of “getting ahead”. If
someone helps you to be better at your role, what
happens if you turn out to be better than them?
This fear, while potentially unrecognized, can be
quite powerful in a competitive job market or a
company where there is little chance of jumping
up the ladder in a hurry. Sometimes the more
senior members of staff can be overwhelmed by a
new, enthusiastic, zealous, passionate person who
wants to be brilliant at what she does. Often in
hierarchical structure, asking questions can label
you as many things, but if ‘ambitious’ is one, it can
be interpreted as a negative as easily as it can be
seen as a positive (unfortunately).
So what is a girl to do? SYO—Source Your Own!
The first thing is to determine what it is you want to
achieve. Is it career excellence? Is it a bucket load
of money? These two things are not exclusive, but
if it’s money you are after, and you don’t have a
passion for a particular career, then you will want
to look at a variety of people who made money
but may not necessarily be the top achievers in
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Business Corner
The key to finding a great mentor is to
ask, ask, ask, and then ask some more.
the area of your industry or study. So you need to
narrow down the field—what does success look
like for you?
These are questions you might ask yourself as you
think about what it is you want from a mentor:
• Do you desire more knowledge or to specialize in
a particular area?
• Do you have a desire to be the best in your chosen
field?
• Do you know that there is knowledge out there
that you can’t get to (yet) and does that drive you
crazy?
• Do you just know that there is more to know or
that you can be better than you currently are?
• Did you answer YES to any of these questions?
Then you want a mentor!
Once you have that detail, then you can look for
the person who embodies what you want the
most. If you are a pilot, you are going to look
for someone with the safest record, the longest
flight hours, the longest career trajectory (pun
intended). If you are a project manager, you are
going to look for those who are writing in the
trade journals, have won awards, and are being
asked to speak at the industry conferences time
and time again. If you are in customer service, you
are going to look at those who generate repeat
business, have followers singing their praises, and
whom people always recommend. If you want
to make money, you are going to look for those
who have the Midas touch—those who seem to
make money no matter what they do. I am sure
you can think of a few examples without trying
too hard. And, of course, you might want to seek
a combination of multiple types.
Now, you are not going to get access to your
list of people easily, if at all. However, you can
make a list of what it is about them that makes
you want their advice. Why did you pick them?
Not just because they make money, or seem to
know everything about their industry—why them
specifically? Do they have confidence? Did they
present themselves in a way that you relate to?
Do they have…what?
Once you have made this list, you will have a
better idea of why you want a mentor and what
you want that mentor to help you with.
Now start to look around your closer circle.
Don’t limit yourself by thinking “will they/won’t
they”. Just start to consider whom you already
have access to. Are they a different gender, are
they older or younger than you, do they have a
different job title, do they do the same role as
you but in a different industry? None of these
things are issues unless you make them issues.
As a strong female, some of my best mentors
have been men. And while I am talking about me,
one of my secrets to picking a mentor is do they
annoy me? I know that might sound crazy, but I
generally will pick someone who has driven me
crazy with a statement, or who outright provides a
challenge to my thought process. Why? Because
I don’t want a mentor who thinks like I do—I
already do that well enough. I want someone who
plays devil’s advocate, who tells me I am wrong
and then encourages me to think about why that
might be. That might be a little too much for your
first time, but it works well for me when I want to
expand my thinking and experiences outside of
what I already know.
Ask around your circle for a recommendation.
Ask someone who is being mentored how they
found their mentor. Attend industry evenings,
presentations, and conferences, and become a
networking queen! Be expansive, not reductive.
Now you have something tangible to work with.
So go get ‘em, tiger! Ask for a coffee meeting,
and pay for the coffee. Trust me, you might find
that five bucks hard to manage, but the lifetime
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Business Corner
of experiences, the lessons you can learn without
having to make the same mistakes as others, and
the advice you will receive will outweigh any shortterm
pain. It also lets the mentor know you are
serious, that you are willing to acknowledge their
efforts and not waste their valuable time, or yours.
Be clear, be specific, and be to the point. Now
that you have their attention, it is not time to
play the shrinking violet, the shy wallflower, the
demure lady. Be honest about what you are
looking for, and why you think they would make a
great mentor. Don’t flatter and don’t overdo it. Be
concise, and ask professionally and politely. The
key to finding a great mentor is to ask, ask, ask,
and then ask some more.
Some of them might say no. Don’t take it
personally. You won’t know what is happening in
their life, so don’t read into it any more than it
doesn’t work for them right now. Get to the next
person on your list and keep asking. When I look
back over my career, I had mentors before I even
knew what the word was. Trust me, there will be
someone in your circle or your friends’ circles that
you will find and be able to build that relationship
with.
Make a time on a regular but not frequent basis
to meet with your mentor. You don’t need to see
them every week or month—that becomes a little
too dependent. You want a mentor to challenge
you, not babysit you. Thank them when they help
you, and when they don’t. Remain professional.
Credit your mentor if you get the chance and
if it is appropriate. Build on your success, get
another mentor, climb higher. It’s a journey that
never stops unless you stop it yourself. When you
feel you have reached that measure of success,
become a mentor yourself! It gives more rewards
than you would think when you are on the other
side of the table.
Always remember along the journey, take time
out to reward yourself—and your mentor if you
can—for the success you have and will have.
About the Author
Becky Paroz has 20 years’ experience in engineering
and construction, has been a qualified project manager
for over 5 years, and a qualified performance coach
for over 10 years. She has been involved in public
speaking since one of her managers put her in front
of 600 men and told her she had 20 minutes to teach
them how to do their job properly. Becky is known
for her use of humor to challenge status quo thinking
and offering alternative views for consideration. She is
motivated to pass on her lessons learned to assist and
educate the next generation of leaders to become
high achievers like herself.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 39

Fashion
FASHION
shoot
WINTER
AFFAIR
photos by Jaclyn Newman Dorn
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Fashion
FATIMA
retail manager, technology
and fashion enthusiast
I like to collect highend
fashion. They’re
like art pieces to me.
It’s not even all about
wearing them. I like
looking at the designs.
When I look at high-end
fashion, I look at it as an
investment. Every piece I
own I will have with me
the rest of my life. I pair
a lot of antique jewelry
and Afghani jewelry
pieces to take away from
the modern look of what
I’m wearing. It gives it a
balance.
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Fashion
LARISSA
surgical assistant, dog mom, adverturist
I hate shopping and I’m
terrified of crowds. So
when I shop, I do an
initial reconnaissance
mission. I look around
and pick out what I want.
Then I zoom in and pick
up what I want. I’m
drawn to old-fashioned,
time-period pieces.
Everything from 1920s
flapper to 1940s pin-up
girl. Simple, elegant, sexy.
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BREANNA
Fashion
nylon engineer,
duck mom
JOYskydiver,
I love getting dressed up. My
style has constantly evolved
over the years. I like wearing
anything that makes me feel
like my personality is shining
through the outfit.
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Fashion
SOPHIA
actor, artist, advocate, mom to
a fabulous teenage fashionista
When I was about three or four,
I would put on all my dresses at
once. “Like a cabbage,” my mom
would say. I love dresses, and
getting dressed up. Even if the
occasion doesn’t necessarily call
for it, there’s that special feeling
that is oh-so-good of wearing
something I think is fabulous.
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SARA
aspiring actress, computer
technician, avid Ole Miss fan
Fashion
My fashion tends to revolve
around what shoes I buy. I like
pretty heels. I like classic lines,
things that look flattering on any
body of any size.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 45

Fashion
KATHERINE
photojournalist, fitness and wine enthusiast
With the exception of this dress, everything I own comes from Goodwill. I love thrift
stores. Not because of Macklemore; I liked it before Macklemore made a song about
it. This is my waiting-for-a-premiere dress. I’ve been hoping and crossing my fingers
that my bosses have a premiere soon. I missed their first premiere by a month.
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Digital Driveby
Digital Drive-By
By Danielle Sepulveres
Self-preservation has always been at the
forefront of my mind when a relationship sours. As
masochistic as I may have allowed myself to get
at the hands of a lover I believed would change,
a marked definitive end somehow enforces a
certain mindset—due in part to wise words from
my mother. As she would say, “If it’s over, what else
do you need to know about him? It’s only going
to hurt you.” And she was right. I did not need
to know if he had found someone new to talk to
while falling asleep at night, when I was alone in
my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling with unshed
tears blurring my vision. So I never succumbed.
Even though occasionally I had begrudgingly been
the wheel(wo)man on the stalking excursions of
my friends, I personally never wasted time driving
by my first love’s house and agonizing over some
unfamiliar red Pontiac parked out front which may
or may not mean anything. However long it took
for my bruised feelings and battered emotions to
catch up with the rest of my logic, I clung tightly to
this blissfully ignorant coping method. It was one
thing to assume he had moved on and was with
someone new, but to have confirmation seemed
pointless and an invitation for more misery.
I abided by my self-imposed rules for the
entirety of my twenties. But when the emergence
of Google, Facebook, and other various social
media outlets made it infinitely easier to “look in”
on someone visually without having to scrunch
down in a car with a hat and sunglasses, I’ll admit
I was not entirely immune to the temptation. But
I still refused to look up my first love, more out of
a complete and utter apathy than anything else.
Who cared what he was doing and with whom? We
were just two people who had once been in love.
End of story. Except in a literal sense, it wasn’t.
In 2012, my first book was published,
a memoir that mainly revolved around our
relationship. And at book clubs, book signings,
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Digital Driveby
and lectures, the first question was always, “Where
is he now?” My own literary ambitions had shoved
me out of my self-imposed cocoon towards a
door that beckoned to be opened. But it seemed
I finally had enough distance and motivation to
safely open it. So I took the digital-stalking plunge.
I found him rather easily by Googling his
name. As I waited for a flurry of emotions to
accompany this foray into foreign territory, I closed
my eyes and tried to remember what it was like to
know him. He had swooped in on me just before
my twenty-third birthday. In a span of almost three
years, we fell in love, he took my virginity, and he
broke my heart when I realized that he had not
been faithful. I then spent the next few years highrisk
for cervical cancer from the HPV he had given
me. After waiting for years to sleep with the right
guy, my decision to be intimate with him turned
my romantic life and my previously perfect health
into a complete nightmare. One that I faced alone.
My humiliation over it all kept me in self-imposed
isolation from family and friends and in weekly
therapy sessions.
I sat there staring at the Google results,
waiting for a resurgence of anger towards him.
Thinking of all my doctor visits. Thinking of the
pain and discomfort from having cryosurgery
twice and then finally a section of my cervix
removed, accompanied by a conversation about
potential difficulties in carrying a pregnancy fullterm,
all before I had even reached my twenty-fifth
birthday. I even tried to conjure up the memory
of the ragingly intense yet helpless anger I felt so
many years ago, but everything was coming up
blank. I just felt nothing. As if I had never even
known him.
Satisfied that I had garnered enough
information to appease questions my readers
might have going forward, I started to click out,
when a picture at the lower left hand of the screen
made me stop. It was a picture of him with a woman
I recognized as a co-worker of his. At least she had
been when I knew him. Someone, he had confided
to me, that he made the mistake of sleeping with
months before we met. And she had never been
friendly to me. In fact, “downright hostile” was the
most accurate description, which I had chalked up
to common jealousy and unrequited affection at
the time. The picture was labeled “Engagement
photo.” As I stared at it, my mind began working
overtime and any hope for self-preservation
began to disintegrate, while a terrifying new
conviction arose that my memories—recounted
so many times to my friends and shrink—might be
in complete opposition to the truth.
“We can’t bring dates to the company
holiday party. It’s for employees only,” he had
said towards the end of our first year together,
not meeting my gaze. My indiscriminate level of
trust in him didn’t allow me to question it. Then
there was the time he claimed that a co-worker/
friend had given him an iPod for Christmas that
year. Or again when Valentine’s Day fell on a
Monday and he insisted that Sunday night should
be our night to have dinner and exchange gifts
because he might have to attend a work-related
dinner on the actual day. More and more instances
where his behavior had been a little off were now
popping unbidden into my head. And they had all
been slightly odd excuses concerning work. The
evidence was mounting in my mind to the point
that I was having difficulty swallowing. And then
I saw it. A link to a YouTube video entitled “Trip
to Aruba.” He had claimed once that, due to an
incredible sales quarter, his department had been
given a trip to Aruba from his company. Even then,
somewhere deep down, I knew that there was
something false about this story. But I had loved
him and didn’t want to examine any niggling
fear that might suggest our relationship was in
jeopardy. Youthful naïveté kept me in the role of
his doting girlfriend, and he knew it. Later, I had
been quick to label him as my cheating boyfriend
when his behavior more blatantly suggested it, but
my thoughts now were reverting to one conclusion
that was making me feel sick, even so many years
later.
I had accepted long previously that I let
myself be blinded by love and lust, preventing me
from facing up to the truth that he was nothing
more than a spineless liar. But I was suddenly
instinctually sure that there could be an entire
So I took the digital-stalking plunge.
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Digital Driveby
layer of deceit of which I was unaware. He didn’t
just marry this woman on a whim. Here was video
proof that he had taken a vacation with her at a
time that he insisted we were monogamous and
exclusive. Could I have been the other woman
while she was his girlfriend? Or we both were? I
knew he was arrogant, but had he been arrogant
enough to think he could keep two relationships
simultaneously? I believe he might have been.
And if so, I could honestly acknowledge that my
inexperience and stubborn nature contributed
to his success in this endeavor. All the occasions
when he told me he loved me and how many kids
he wanted to have, he was potentially saying all
the same things to her. Had he explained the
presence of my gifts for him like he had clumsily
explained the iPod to me? And the times he
apologized profusely, asked for second chances,
and showed up on my doorstep—what was that?
A reaction to having an argument with her? I was
reeling, and second-guessing everything. I could
no longer trust my memory of our time together.
Our relationship had just added insult to injury,
postmortem.
I took a deep breath and tried to silence
the riot of thoughts and questions in my head,
and calm down. Did it really matter anymore? I
had a good life now: healthy relationships, and
a healthy reproductive system. Our lives had
continued on separately for a reason. Whatever he
had done to me had pushed me to make changes
in my personal life, to make better decisions.
To associate with people who offered sincerity
instead of deception. It gave me the opportunity
to talk openly to teenage and college-age kids
about first love and safe sex. And never once did I
wish that my life still included him, someone who
had taken my youthful unadulterated love and
perverted it into something painful and twisted.
Why would I still want any part of that in my life?
Maybe he had gotten away with having two
girlfriends. Maybe he was just a guy who cheated
and cheated, and she was the only one still left
standing at the end of the rodeo. I will probably
never know for sure. And that’s okay. Aside from
the unexpected posthumous relationship bruise
to my pride, it really didn’t matter. For the last
seven years my wildest fantasies never involved
even the most remote hint of him. This was all
just another red Pontiac—a digital drive-by that
served no purpose. Because I know now that if you
really pay attention while you’re in a relationship,
you never need to question the red Pontiac. You’ll
already know whether it signifies the death knell
or is simply what the next-door neighbors just
bought for their kid’s seventeenth birthday.
About the author
Danielle Sepulveres is the author of the
memoir Losing It: The Semi-Scandalous Story
of an Ex-Virgin, available for purchase on
Amazon and at Barnes & Noble. You can follow
her daily shenanigans on Twitter
@ellesep and on Tumblr at ellesep.tumblr.com.
Danielle works as a freelance writer and on the
crew for the CBS hit show The Good Wife, and
she is currently writing two original plays while
finishing her second book.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 49

Tech Corner
technology's
G E N D ER CRI S I S
IN
October, I attended an international technology
conference. It was my first speaking
opportunity in two years, and I was very excited,
not only for my session, but for the many
sessions that were to be led by other women. The
number of female-led sessions had gone up drastically
from the previous year, and, compared to
the roster at other conferences, it was a pretty impressive
number. This excitement soon faded, and
I found myself disappointed, because, despite the
number of women speakers, the number of female
attendees was still very low. That conference
was yet another example of the state of women
in technology. Though we are experts and leaders
in various areas of tech, the field is still heavily
male-dominated.
For years, the lack of women in engineering, development,
and tech support roles has been a
hot topic of conversation, yet change is still slow
to come. We live in a world that is dominated by
technology. It is in everything we do, from the way
we manage our finances to how we socialize. How
is it that something with such a momentous impact
on our daily lives is an area that has such low
representation from such a large part of the population?
This is a critical issue, and we as a society
must do something about it.
There are so many ways to approach increasing
the number of women in technology, but there
are two that I’d specifically like to highlight. First,
we need women to take a chance and get into
technology fields using skills they already possess.
Secondly, we need to encourage young women
and girls to enter technical roles by building their
confidence and skill sets. Technology is a vast area,
and there are many opportunities for women, but
to make an impact and take advantage of those
opportunities, we must not only act but act now.
Many women already possess core skills necessary
to be successful in technological roles,
though they may not associate them with technology.
Attention to detail and organization are critical
skills, and the ability to solve complex problems
and communicate the solutions effectively to
clients and fellow team members is key. Creativity
coupled with analytical inclinations and the ability
to look at a problem from various perspectives are
pg 50
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Tech Corner
tools that many women use in their daily lives. All
these things can be applied to a fantastic career in
technology, and it’s never to late to jump in. There
is no set path to finding a place in the world of
technology. Maybe you want to develop an app
that makes your life easier and could do the same
for the lives of others, or maybe you can look at a
website and see how it can be better, or maybe
you enjoy having the opportunity to make other
people’s lives more convenient and save their day
at major corporations such as Yahoo and Disney
have been women. Creating a sense of community
and empowerment can help young women be
confident in choosing a technological career path.
They can become the influencers instead of being
the influenced. This is important to ensuring a future
that has a balanced perspective.
Seeing more women participating in an industry
that has a primary role in shaping our culture is
time and time again. Many of the brilliant women I
have worked with over the years did not start their
careers working in tech, but instead though a series
of fortuitous events found themselves there. I
came into my role with a background in cognitive
science, which turned out to be extremely useful
when dealing with the vast number of clients and
the variety of issues that I encounter on a day-today
basis. The bottom line is that we can increase
our numbers by applying to roles and making it
known we want to be there. We can also succeed
by encouraging and helping each other, and one
such way is by creating communities in the workplace
where women are more likely to stay.
Another way to see more female faces in the
tech crowd is to engage girls early. Already,
there are number of wonderful programs such as
iOS-application development camps and workshops
that aim to get girls interested in technology
and science. These opportunities allow girls
to explore various areas of technology as well as
learn and practice new skills in an enriching environment.
It’s a good opportunity to highlight how
technology impacts our daily lives and how it can
be used to make them better. Another powerful
tool is mentorship. Sharing experience and expertise
can help girls be prepared to enter the workplace
environment and not only do the job but
thrive. Remembering our foremothers can also
be a cause for inspiration, as some of the most famous
faces in technology history are women, such
as Ada Lovelace, who is credited as one of the first
to create software, and Karen Sparck Jones, who
is considered to be one of the founders of information
retrieval. Some of the heads of technology
not too much to ask. If we all put forth a little effort
and encouragement, we can make that happen.
Don’t be afraid to participate and to assist others
as well! We can make a greater impact—it is up to
us. Perhaps next year and every year after, when I
attend the various conferences I do, I will see more
female faces. Maybe someday soon when I walk
into that room, there will be no disparity between
the gender numbers, and we will not need to have
this discussion, as we will have achieved equality.
This is my dream. Get involved now!
For more info, check out some of these websites:
Anita Borg Institute
anitaborg.org
National Center for Women in Technology
ncwit.org
Girls in Tech
girlsintech.org
New Horizons Collaborative Project
ngcproject.org/program/new-horizons-girls
Angel Stone works in technology
at a major motion-picture
studio in Burbank, CA. She has
spoken at several science and
technology conferences in the
US and Europe. Her hobbies
include talking to random people
at coffee houses, oil-paint
making, coding, and crochet.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 51

Science Corner
The next 12 months or so are going to be an
exciting time for our night sky. Comets put
on some of the most spectacular displays,
and you don’t need a telescope to see them! I’m
a PhD student in Astronomy, and even though I
see this kind of stuff every day, I am continually
awestruck by it all. I remember my parents dragging
me out of bed to see the comet Hale-Bopp
in 1997 and how amazing it was.
Comets can come from two different parts of the
solar system—the Kuiper belt or the Oort cloud.
Comets that originate from the Kuiper belt are
known as short-period comets, which means that
their orbits around the sun are less than 200 years.
The Kuiper belt is just past Neptune and is home
to more than 100,000 objects, including Pluto! Pluto
and all of his non-planet friends are not actually
the edge of our solar system, however. The Oort
cloud is a spherical cloud of icy objects surrounding
our solar system, a little bit less than one lightyear
away from the sun. Comets that come from
this cloud have orbits of thousands to millions of
years and are appropriately named long-period
comets. Most of the objects in the Kuiper belt
and Oort cloud are happily circling the sun within
their belt or cloud, but sometimes objects can
get knocked out of their orbit and into a different
one. This can happen in several different ways.
One way is that two objects could collide, sending
one of them toward the sun. A couple other
possibilities require that we go all the way back
to when the solar system formed. The planets settling
into their stable orbits around the sun may
have gravitationally disturbed some of the icy objects,
sending their orbits askew. Or, in the case of
the long-period comets, at some point in the solar
system’s 4.6-billion-year life, our system could
have passed by another star closely enough that
it caused some of the objects in the Oort cloud
to change their orbits and head toward the inner
solar system. Once one of the above events has
occurred, then the fun begins.
Objects in the Kuiper belt and Oort cloud are remnants
of the formation of our solar system, which
means that some of the material that didn’t go
into the formation of the planets went into those
icy bodies. Only when it has an orbit that brings
it through the inner solar system is one of these
ice bodies called a comet. A comet is made up
of three different parts. The main part is known as
the nucleus. This is the icy ball hurtling through
space, and is made up of a combination of rock,
dust, ice, and frozen gases. As the nucleus gets
closer to the sun, it heats up and the ice and gases
vaporize. When they vaporize, the comet develops
a coma and one or two tails. These are the aspects
of a comet that make it so visually stunning!
As the frozen parts of the nucleus vaporize, some
of the dust gets stripped as well. This creates the
coma, a thin atmosphere of gas and dust around
the comet. What happens to the dust and gas that
don’t make up the coma? They leave trails behind
the comet as it travels through space. One trail is
known as the dust tail, and the other is the ion tail.
The ion tail becomes visible when the light from
the sun hits and ionizes the gas trailing the comet.
This tail will always point away from the sun, and
we usually see it as a blue/green streak. The dust
tail is made up of all the dust that comes off the
comet as it melts. It usually appears white as the
sunlight reflects off the dust particles.
In late November of 2013, Comet ISON, originating
from the Oort cloud, was supposed to wow
the world. ISON was known as a “sungrazer,”
which means that it passed very close to the sun.
As the comet approached the sun in mid-November,
it suddenly brightened and became visible
to the naked eye. Unfortunately, the comet did
not survive its orbit around the sun. As the comet
whipped closely around the sun, it melted, broke
apart, and vanished.
However, later this year, around November 2014,
we will have a second chance at a spectacular comet
sighting. Comet C/2013 A1, AKA Siding Spring,
COMETS 101

Science Corner
also an Oort cloud comet, will come through the
inner solar system. While we should be able to see
it from Earth, that is not why scientists are already
very excited for this comet. In mid-October 2014,
the comet’s orbit is expected to bring it extremely
close to Mars—within about 100,000 miles. For
comparison, that is less than half the distance from
Earth to the moon, which is 238,000 miles! During
this close encounter, all our satellites and rovers
that we have around or on Mars, including Curiosity,
will have a very rare opportunity to take closeup
pictures of a comet and provide unprecedented
insight into parts of our solar system that we
know very little about.
Comets are usually visible by telescope or binoculars
for several months from beginning to end.
The exact timescale is dependent on many factors,
including the size of the comet and how close
it gets to the sun. The window to see a comet with
the naked eye is much smaller: a few weeks to a
couple months. Fortunately, comets leave a little
something extra behind as they rocket through
the inner solar system. The remnants left from a
broken comet or the dusty tail are what we see
as meteor showers when the Earth’s orbit takes us
through the debris.
Christine Black is a graduate student in
the Physics and Astronomy department
at Dartmouth College, currently working
on analyzing the jet of the Crab Nebula.
She has worked on the Carina galaxy
at the University of Michigan, the search
for extra-solar planets at the University
of Tasmania, Australia, and the analysis
of nearby galaxies, including the discovery
of a dwarf galaxy, while working at
UCLA.

Cover Story
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Cover Story
TO LOVE SOMEONE
”
TAKES COURAGE
an interview with Angelica Ross
by Mara Schmid
photography by Jessica Sladek
ANGELICA
is a true Renaissance
woman. Her résumé
hints at her wideranging
talents:
model, actress, singer-songwriter,
web designer, graphic artist, activist, educator, computer
tech and trainer,
entrepreneur. And yet she is none
of these things superficially or nominally. Everything
she is and does, she imbues with a deep
sense of purpose.
“It all fits together,” Angelica says, “by me
understanding my life through sort of a metaphor—a
mannequin that is stripped completely
naked. No wig hair on, no anything.
“I see myself as a spirit that has a body. And
I see opportunities for me to express my spirit
in different ways. Everything I do is all about
becoming so undeniably an artist or a Buddhist
that, no matter what circumstance I’m in, no matter
what tool I use, no matter what, I can adapt
and create something beautiful—through writing,
through speeches, through living my life and
picking up the pieces after I’ve fallen.”
She knows too well what life looks like when
it’s not so beautiful. Angelica is a trans woman
who was born in small-town Wisconsin, USA, to
a family where being anything under the LGBTQ
umbrella was unacceptable. As a young teen,
without knowledge of such a thing as trans identity,
she initially came out as a gay male.
“My mom would say things like, ‘Ugh, I would
hate if my kid turned out gay.’ So we knew, and it
was communicated to us, that being gay was not
tolerated. I came out to my mom, and when I did,
she offered me an ultimatum. She said, ‘Either you
kill yourself, or I’m going to kill myself. I will not
live with a gay child.’ And that was just me being
gay. So me being trans was like a dagger in the
heart.”
Angelica sees her mother’s reaction as a symptom
of a wider societal problem. “As much as you
can whine and complain about having a bad life,
‘my mother,’ ‘my father,’ whatever the case is, we
live in a world that does not know much about
love. You have a family, so you automatically accept
this concept of ‘We’re family, so we love each
other,’ instead of love being an action, something
that is demonstrated in the way you interact. Not
really experiencing love in its authentic forms in
my house led me on a journey of seeking it in a
lot of places. I feel like this whole journey, with my
mom, with being a transgender person, it comes
down to the concept of understanding that to love
someone takes courage. With my mother, this was
a life lesson in courage. And she, at moments,
didn’t show up to that lesson.”
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“
Cover Story
It’s a sacred path to say that,
as a woman, no man can set my
price; no man is in control.
”
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Cover Story
Desperate to escape, Angelica crammed as
many classes as possible into her day, skipping
lunch altogether, so she could graduate high
school a year early. After graduation, she transferred
her waitressing job to a location in New York.
There she started doing drag and made a discovery.
“I would get dressed, thinking, okay, we’re going
to go out in drag and have fun, and it was more
like me going out and being myself, just being a
woman in the world. It was so weird how natural of
a transition it was. I went out doing drag one night,
woke up the next day, and didn’t feel like taking my
wig off. I couldn’t explain it. It was like discovering,
oh my God, this is me alive and normal and happy
and natural.”
As she moved further toward living life the
way that felt right to her, pressure from her family
to conform increased. In a last effort to appease
them, she joined the US Navy and celebrated her
18th birthday in boot camp. The homophobic military
culture of the time was not a good match.
“After I graduated boot camp, I was stationed in
Japan. While I was there, there was an incident
where these guys tried to get me to admit I was
gay. They hung me out of a third-story window by
my ankles. Then the guys got together and said
the reason why they hung me out the window was
because I said I wanted to suck off every guy in the
room. Which was so far from the truth.
“It was probably one of the first times I felt like
a woman. It was really my femininity under attack.”
The lawyer on the base told her there was no
winning in her situation and advised her to admit
to being gay and be processed out. “The military
definitely made me a strong person. Getting
through boot camp, the push-ups, the running,
the yelling, dealing with all these guys and the
testosterone and the masculinity, in this homoerotic
yet homophobic environment—it made
me very aware and strong in a lot of ways. But
I wish I was stronger at that time to have fought.”
Angelica received an uncharacterized discharge
from the military and went back to the US
determined to live life on no one’s terms but her
own. “I thought, there’s no way in hell that I’m living
for someone else
For Angelica, this meant transitioning. “I did
this little inventory of myself really quickly before
I decided to take hormones, and I said to myself,
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Cover Story
‘Don’t be afraid. You know who you are.’ Again,
it took courage, with my family situation and everything.
It was one of those things: when you’ve
been hung out of a window, you’ve had your mother
tell you to kill yourself, you’ve lived without your
biological father your whole life, you feel like you
come from a place of having nothing to lose. All
I had to gain was myself, was my sanity, was my
health, was my well-being, was my womanhood.”
Her journey continued with ups and downs.
She tried moving home but was kicked out after
she began to transition. She lost a waitressing job
after a confrontation with coworkers who were harassing
her about being trans, despite the fact she
had made multiple complaints to management
about the situation. She found a mentor, Tracy
Ross (from whom Angelica takes her last name),
an older trans woman who shared her knowledge
and street smarts. Angelica began to find that, as
a trans woman, society wanted to marginalize her
into a sex-worker or adult-lifestyle role, and she
had to demand she be recognized and valued for
more than just her body.
“Prostitution is necessary for those who feel
they have no other choice. The reason why it’s
necessary is that prostitution is a sacred journey
and an opportunity to discover value. When you
think that you have no other options, you’ve lost
sight of your value in the world.
“I’m talking about prostitution in general—because
people prostitute themselves for opportunities,
for example in a marriage or a job where
their whole creative energy, their spiritual being,
their moral compass, goes against what their husband
or that business stands for. But, because it
pays the price—‘I’m able to pay my mortgage;
I’m able to do these things’—people prostitute
themselves out. That process leads you to a place
of undeniably knowing your value. You’re going
to learn from your internal compass and intuition
that says, ‘I don’t feel like this encounter or exchange
was worth it.’ It’s a lesson that people in
general need to know. We all come up against this
question that says, ‘Will I sell myself? Is there a job,
is there a certain thing that is my price?’
“It’s a sacred path to say that, as a woman, no
man can set my price; no man is in control. Just
like when men rape women, it’s about power; it’s
not about sex. When women are in control or in
power of the sex and the situation, I think that’s
where the discomfort comes from outside people.
It’s her body; she’s making the choice. She is
empowered. And whether she’s making a good
choice or a bad choice, she’s making it.”
Navigating the path to understanding her own
value was aided, however ironically, by things Angelica
had been taught during her upbringing. “I
was told before I transitioned that I could do anything.
I grew up in a church format of ‘I can do all
things through Christ who strengthens me.’ I had
an underlying belief in myself and my abilities, and
was fortunate enough to have a few people in my
life who did not drag me further into a street life,
drugs, or anything like that.”
As she worked toward building the life she
wanted, Angelica met someone and fell in love.
It turned into a seven-year relationship that ultimately
tested all the beliefs she had begun to form
about love, courage, and living with authenticity.
“In the beginning, when we first started dating,
no one [in his circle] knew for about six months that
I was trans. He would say all the sweetest things
and tell me he loved me, and then talk about marriage
and things like that. And I’m a human being,
so I wasn’t thinking that this person is trying to fill
my head with fantasies—I thought this could actually
be a possibility, that we could actually be married.
Talking about it brought out the reality, that
we can’t be married and keep it as a secret. That’s
ridiculous. To him it almost sounded feasible, that
we could be married and no one could know that I
was trans—that we could work that out some way.
But I could never be as successful as I am today
without being in my fullness, without being able
to claim who I am.”
Her boyfriend’s reluctance to be completely
and fully out became a theme of discord throughout
the years of their relationship. “When he started
talking marriage, I was like, ‘There’s no way we
can be talking on this level if we’re living this kind
of life.’ And we broke up several times because
he was not willing to have that conversation with
his family. So he told his brother. That didn’t go
so well. So then the brother, I believe, told his father.
His father then flew down to Florida where
we were living, and basically tried to do damage
control. He offered me money to leave. The idea
of a boat and handful of cash, basically.
pg 58
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Cover Story
“
We
live in a world that does
not know much about love
”
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 59

Cover Story
“His father figured out that I wasn’t going away, so he was
like, ‘Listen. His mother cannot know this, so just forget all
your past and live like this [in secret] going forward.’ I was
adamant; I said no. I had started a new website that was a
dating website, like Match.com but for trans people. This was
in 2003 or so. It was definitely one of the first of its kind. When
I built the website, within a short amount of time we had thousands
of members from around the world. I want to say more
than thousands—it was a really big number. I couldn’t even
sustain the traffic that was coming to the website.
“I saw this as a joint business venture that he
and I could do together. We knew that we were in a
relationship, and other people like us would want to find the
same type of thing. When his father came down and found
out about that website, he demanded that we shut it down,
and that I live my life in the closet going forward if we were
going to be together.
“I don’t know how it happened—partially it’s because at
the time I did not have so much power. I wasn’t working a
traditional job. I got money from either modeling or doing
web work, so my boyfriend made the decision to close our
website down. And that was my thing; I put my blood, sweat,
and tears into it. For me it’s sad, because I feel we could have
actually become very rich off that idea a long time ago if we’d
believed in our capability to do it.”
Sometimes people ask why being out matters. “They say
things like, ‘Being gay or dating someone who’s trans, that has
nothing to do with work, and it’s nobody’s business, so why should
it even matter?’ I understand—I’m not in the workplace divulging
details about my sex life. But people come to work and say,
‘Oh, yes, my husband and I went to my daughter’s recital,’ or,
‘I just got married or got back from my honeymoon,’ or whatever
the situation is. Whether I entered and won a trans pageant
or a scholarship for being trans, or the different things I
studied, or the job that I do now as a trans activist, I should
be able to talk about my job in a very proud way, and I could
not do that with him.
“The Logo channel did a documentary when I was meeting
my sister for the first time. I was with him then, and they wanted
him to be a part of it, to be there to show support. This
was not a salacious kind of thing; this was a very high level
of documentary. And he initially talked a game about being
there for me. I had so many public situations where I should
have been happy and celebrating, where I was feeling sad
because he ultimately didn’t come. In this instance he was
in Florida, we were shooting in Chicago, and he made every
excuse in the book why he couldn’t make it. But when there
was a fishing trip in Cancun, or he was going to see his family
in New Jersey, he would always be able to go at the drop of
pg 60
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Cover Story
a hat.
“He was physically with me, but sometimes he was not
there with me to face the challenges. Without courage our
relationship was ultimately doomed.”
After the relationship ended, Angelica left Florida and
ended up in Los Angeles for a while, where she worked in
technology as well as developing her career as an actress,
singer-songwriter, and model.
“I’ve modeled a lot. Even prior to transitioning
I used to model for department stores and stuff like that.
Then, when I transitioned, I wanted to continue modeling,
but it was awkward at first. When I moved to Florida and I
was in my relationship with my ex, he liked to do photography,
and he took pictures of me. I used those to create
a comp card, and I took those comp cards to agencies. I
ended up getting a couple agents, and then the rest was
history. I’ve done a couple of commercials, I’ve been on the
cover of a couple jewelry catalogs, I’ve done music videos,
I’ve done a lot of different runway. I’ve done independent
films as well as major films. I did a major Italian film called
Natale a Miami, which is Christmas in Miami. Fame is very
relative—that was a blockbuster movie in Italy, but you
wouldn’t know that here.”
Eventually Angelica moved back to the Midwest to work
for herself as a freelance web developer and graphic designer.
Always open to new opportunities, she heard about
a new project called Trans Life Center at a well-known nonprofit
called Chicago House, which was instrumental, starting
in the ’80s, in the fight against HIV/AIDS. She was hired
on as a trans work coordinator, mentoring and helping trans
people navigate their career paths, as well as training businesses
and government agencies on trans cultural competencies.
“It’s an amazing place to be in life, going from at one
time wanting to commit suicide because of what the world
says and not having any family or any friends, to a place
where not only have I gone through the really hard journey
of discovering my value and really owning that and feeling
great about myself, but having it reflected in the people
I’m around. It’s a miracle, because I think, in a very sad way,
sometimes what happens to some people like me is that
they never really discover how valuable they are. What a
loss! What a loss of life, what a loss of creative energy.
“I think it’s so important, just as is some little white girl
getting kidnapped or somebody getting murdered who is
in a privileged held-high part of society—it’s the same thing
with someone in the corners, in the depths, in the gutters,
or in the alleys or the streets, who comes to the idea or the
concept that they’re not worthy, that they’re not valuable.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 61

Cover Story
pg 62
“
I could never be as successful as I am
today without being in my fullness,
without being able to claim who I am.
Hussy
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Cover Story
That’s, for me, the saddest thing possible.
“It’s this wonderful place to be in my life where
I don’t take that for granted, where I enjoy the fact
that I live my life the way I do but understand that
a lot of people are not there. It’s because they’ve
been sold messages for so long, or they don’t have
access to certain information. So I use my life. It is my
life mission, my life journey to help other people who
have misunderstood or who have been convinced
otherwise of their value to rediscover that and to live
powerfully in that. That is my number one goal as
a trans motivator and activist.”
As Angelica works day by day to live openly,
joyfully, chipping away at prejudice and misconceptions
one piece at a time, she believes more
than ever in the importance of finding the courage
to love.
“The number one thing that people can do—
cisgender people—is to have the courage to
show the love. It takes courage to love. Women,
and the relationship between cisgender
women, have improved slightly, because
there are more spaces where women are
allowed to show each other love. To affirm one
another’s beauty, to speak up about the ad campaigns
against certain types of bodies and whatnot.
When women come together to support and
celebrate and affirm one another, it changes a lot
of things.
“I feel like both cisgender women and cisgender
men need to start publicly showing trans women
love. Trans people in general, but trans women more
specifically, because of how we’re so systematically
devalued and discarded.
“If you are a mother or a father, you need to
have the courage to love your transgender child.
If you are a brother or a sister, then you need to
have the courage to be a brother or a sister to a
transgender person. If you are a friend, then have
the courage to be a friend, even when you’re not
in the presence of your friend.
“Also, paving a path. We as transgender people
are being pioneers, and we kind of pave a path for other
trans people. But cisgender people can also pave
a path for trans people. If you are an ally, someone
who is understanding and compassionate, then
wherever you go, that goes with you. Then when
you are in workplaces or certain spaces, your understanding
and your compassion should not allow
room for ignorance, for violence, for bigotry.
One part is standing up when you hear the conversations.
But we also need people who have the
courage to be bold and to initiate the conversation.
It’s one thing to be reactive when you are in a
situation and hear something. But to be proactive,
you’re basically paving a path of safety that says,
if a trans person comes through here, I know that
it’s safe because I have checked the status of the
people in this environment—their discrimination
or their perspectives on gender or their homophobia
or their transphobia.
“It’s okay for people to be where they are and
to think what they think, but it’s very important for
other people to check the status. You may never be
able to change someone’s mind. But if their mind
or thoughts or perceptions are in a place that is
dangerous to others around them—and perhaps
if alcohol, which could intensify those thoughts,
were introduced into the situation—it is important
for people to know. You as a friend could warn me,
so that I know what’s a safe place and what’s not a
safe place.
“Especially as women—we have to have all
women’s backs. Whether we’re cisgender or transgender,
we are all dealing with the same things,
because we are perceived in society as women.
The perception that you are female automatically
creates challenges and creates situations. So
across the board, of our own understanding, when
you see a woman, affirm her, support her, recognize
her.”
Angelica Ross can be contacted through her website, missross.com.
Mara Schmid is a writer and journalist based in Los Angeles.
Jessica Sladek is a photographer based in Chicago. Her work can be viewed at jessicasladek.com.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 63

Relationship Advice
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
Hi Anastasia,
I just recently broke up with my boyfriend,
but I still love him platonically and want to be
friends with him. He is hurting over the breakup,
but I feel impatient to hang out with him again.
What is the best way to treat him right now so
that we can remain close and friendly in the long
run?
Thanks,
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
Negotiating friendship after a breakup is
tough; you’ll need new boundaries, lowered expectations
of availability, and a different tone to
your interactions. That takes emotional work from
two willing parties who have healed enough to
handle it.
Your desire to hang out with your ex does
not trump his need for space—he’s hurting, and
the most respectful thing you can do is back off
and let him heal. Furthermore, when he does recover,
keep in mind that he does not owe you
friendship; he may decide that he doesn’t want
you in his life, and though it will hurt, you must
respect such a decision—just as he is (hopefully!)
respecting your decision to not be romantically involved
with him anymore.
It sounds like your breakup was amicable;
did you mention wanting to remain friends?
If so, demonstrate your commitment to the potential
friendship by prioritizing his needs over
your desires. Let him set the level of interaction
and match it, and be careful not to pressure him
to spend more time with you, talk to you more,
discuss emotionally-charged topics, et cetera. Remember
that despite your shared history, he does
not owe you anything.
Sometimes it helps to have a nonsubjective
schedule to follow, so, with that in mind, let me
present you with some arbitrary guidelines. Your
mileage may vary; adjust for emotional trauma inflation.
Give him a month of space, then send a casual
text. If you receive no response, send another
a month later, and then a last one six months after
that, or to wish him a happy birthday—whichever
comes first.
When it comes to social media, you may
“like” his posts, but avoid leaving personal comments.
Use the same guidelines for instant messenger
as for texts, and if he engages in conversation,
wait at least a week after your last chat to
initiate another. This is the process of not only reintroducing
yourself into his life but also setting
a new expectation for communication; you’re
friends now, not lovers. One or both of you may
start seeing other people, life will happen, and
neither of you will be as available as before.
If and when you two begin to interact, I encourage
making your desire for friendship explicitly
clear, mentioning its importance to you, and
inquiring about his needs at that time. He may not
have an immediate answer, but as you’ve no doubt
ascertained by now, patience—especially on your
part—is vital in this process.
Most importantly, engage in self-care and
be honest with yourself about your emotional
headspace. If you are in anguish over his absence,
you won’t be able to have a healthy friendship.
Spend time with other friends, avoid fixating, and
treat yourself well.
I hope the two of you can remain friends—
some of my most treasured friendships are with
former lovers, although many required a good
deal of space (up to a year, in some cases) before
anything positive developed. Healing is a crucial
and often lengthy process; hang in there.
Cordially,
Anastasia
pg 64
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Relationship Advice
Endings & Beginnings
Dear Anastasia,
I have a crush on a guy who is deeply involved
in a religious community. I don’t know
much about his religion, but I do not want to
get involved in any organized religion. I was just
wondering if I should avoid getting involved with
him. I guess my question is: do you know of any
couples where one person is really religious and
the other is an atheist? Do you think something
like that could ever work out?
Thanks,
E. J.
Dear E. J.,
I do not currently know of any such couples—however,
that doesn’t mean they’re not in
my life, only that I cannot identify them. I certainly
do not think that such an arrangement is inherently
doomed, and I put forth that the success or
failure of such relationships is dependent more
on the two people involved than on the matter of
faith.
Before we examine the issues that concern
a believer-atheist couple, keep in mind that the
degree to which these issues will affect you depends
on your level of involvement. There’s room
between a one-night stand and a spouse, encompassing
many types of relationships: you can have
an intense emotional and sexual connection with
someone while leading separate lives, have a noncommitted
fling, cohabitate and share finances,
be monogamous or not—and what the two of you
are looking for and comfortable with will inform
how the following factors affect you. I infer from
your question that you are considering a longterm
relationship with a high level of integration,
but this may not be the only option on the table,
and a short-term casual relationship may also be
rewarding and fulfilling.
To prepare for a relationship that could
potentially be serious, there are several factors
to consider: namely, the nature of the community
and doctrines of the religion, your comfort levels,
and, of course, the qualities of this particular person.
Let’s examine these.
You mentioned that he’s “deeply involved”
with this community, so the nature of it should be
examined. Is it—not to put too fine a point on
it—a cult? I have found, when assessing romantic
relationships, that the level of isolation imposed
by one partner on another is a useful standard to
detect abuse. I encourage you to use this same
metric when assessing the community in question:
do they isolate their members? Consider the following.
• Does this person have any close friends
that are not a part of this community?
• Are members permitted to wed nonmembers?
• Does the community impose any regulations
on the type of media and literature with
which members can engage?
• When relationships between members
end, does one person suddenly distance themselves
from the community?
If you see any of these red flags (i.e. if the
answers to either of the first two questions are
“no” or the answers to either of the second two
are “yes”), I’d advise you to steer clear of anything
serious; unless this person decides to leave said
community—a decision in which you can have exactly
zero say—you may be pressured to assimilate.
If the organization seems harmless, let’s
move on to the second factor: the doctrines of
said religion (e.g. are they virulently anti-gay or
misogynistic?) and more importantly, which ones
this guy accepts (e.g. is he?). There are some beliefs
that are inherently incompatible with having
an atheist partner. I think it’s fair to say that if this
person earnestly believes that, for example,
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 65

Relationship Advice
by rejecting their religious path
you are dooming your immortal
soul to an eternity of torment,
it would be difficult to
love you and not pressure you
to convert—akin to having a
partner with a destructive drug
addiction and doing nothing.
If, conversely, he simply believes
in a mythology that you
reject or adheres to rituals and
rules that do not extend to you,
no problem.
It’s worth mentioning
that many religious people
experience wavering faith, so
the certainty with which he
believes anything depends on
him alone. Robert M. Price,
who runs The Bible Geek and
other worthwhile podcasts,
describes himself as a “Christian atheist”; he has
no faith of his own but considers himself a part of
the Episcopal community. Faith exists on a spectrum,
and where he’s on it is relevant.
This is also where his character comes in—
after all, you’ll be dating a person, not a religion.
If the community is something you want distance
from, would he be able to insulate you from it?
Lastly comes the matter of your personal
comfort level with the subjects on which you disagree.
Can you respect his beliefs, or are they too
preposterous or damaging? Would, say, his belief
in an afterlife be used to dismiss your grieving the
death of a loved one? Does his religion lead him
to personal decisions and political positions that
you find repugnant?
Keep in mind that two friends can casually
discuss any of the aforementioned subjects, as
well as things such as what they look for in partners,
if and how they plan to raise children, and
so on. These are topics you can bring up, albeit
obliquely, while you make up your mind about this
person.
This is a lot to consider for a mere crush, so
let me restate, in a pithier fashion:
• Is this “religious community” controlling (read:
a cult)? Look at the level of isolation of it and its
members from the rest of society.
“Can you
respect his
beliefs, or
are they too
preposterous
or damaging?“
• Can he respect your atheism
without pressuring you to convert?
Can he keep his religious
peers in check, and, if not,
would he respect your desire
to not have anything to do with
them?
• Can you respect his faith,
and is he, religiosity included,
someone worthy of your affection?
If everything checks out,
go for it. You may have to engage
in some honest and difficult
communication as your
lives become more integrated,
but so does any couple. Best
of luck, and may Sagan’s turtleneck
warm you both.
Cordially,
Anastasia
Anastasia is a sex educator with experience in kink, polyamory,
and sex work. She is passionate about intersectional
feminism, culinary art, and assorted nerdery,
and suffers from a chronic overabundance of interests.
When not buried under mountains of academia, she
organizes and performs at Pangæa, a safe-space queer
dungeon party, as the drag king H. P. Loveshaft. More
information at facebook.com/clubPangaea and on Twitter
@clubpangaea.
Have a relationship (romantic, family, work, etc.) question?
Email anastasia@hussymag.com.
pg 66
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SEXADVICE
Sex Advice
byMaxxters
Dating with HPV
Regaining the spark
communicating boundaries
Hey there Maxxters,
I hate being gone down on, unless another
woman is doing it. It’s incredibly frustrating for
my boyfriend, who insists that I should like it.
He also makes me feel like a freak for not liking
it. He takes it personally that I can’t get off that
way. I know the reasons I don’t like it are purely
psychological, but I am okay with it. I am okay
with not liking oral sex. But my boyfriend says
that I am denying him something he enjoys. I
am not okay with letting him go down on me
just to make him happy as it wreaks havoc on
my emotional well-being. How do I let him
know this and have him understand? He keeps
pestering me, and it’s really affecting our
relationship.
Thanks! — No Oral, Please!
Hi No Oral, Please,
It’s a really tough situation to be in. There are many
things I could say here, but it comes down to this:
you have a very clear, set boundary about receiving
oral from men. Period. You understand that your
boyfriend would really enjoy doing this to you and
that you have the option of putting up with it in
order to make him happy. However, this is an act
on which you are clearly not willing to compromise.
You have every right to say absolutely no oral from
him. You have no obligation to perform any sexual
act in which you are not comfortable taking part. It’s
time to sit down in a non-sexual situation and have
a big talk about this. He needs to understand that
this is something that will not change. He needs
to accept the fact that this is a part of who you are
and is a stipulation of dating you. It will then be up
to him to decide if this is a deal-breaker for him or
not. But after that talk, he absolutely needs to stop
making comments to you about giving you oral.

Sex Advice
Hi Maxxters,
Can you give me some tips for keeping the
spark alive in a long-term relationship? I really
love my husband, but I don’t feel physically
attracted to him in the same way I did when we
first started dating. Some people tell me that’s
inevitable, but I know some long-term couples
who seem to be able to keep their attraction
toward each other.
Thanks! — Help Me Get My Groove Back
Hi Help Me Get My Groove Back,
I’m going to answer this with the perspective that
he may be feeling the same way, so the advice I give
can be applied to both of you. First off, what has
physically changed with his appearance? Would
it help for you both to be more active together?
Whether weight gain has occurred or maybe a
loss of muscle mass, that tends to be something
that can significantly improve your desire for one
another again. Even going out and buying some
new clothes that really fit your bodies well can
perk your interest back up and make you admire
one another’s bodies in a new way. A new haircut/
style can also work wonders.
Attraction also involves much more than just
how a person looks. What actions do you need a
partner to perform for you to really want them?
Do you need him to help out more in the house?
Would seeing him with his sleeves rolled up, doing
the dishes or some handiwork around the house,
turn you on? Or do you need him to show more
romantic gestures towards you? Bringing you
flowers, setting up a candlelit dinner, preparing
a bubble bath? Or do you need more non-sexual
but intimate touch (hand-holding, cuddles, him
standing behind you with his arms wrapped
around your waist, etc.)? Or do you need more
words of affirmation from him, where he lets you
know how much he loves you, what he loves about
you, or even talking dirty with you?
You can also try role-playing to help remind
each other about what attracted you to one
another in the first place. Meet in a public place
(bar, coffee shop, gym, etc.) and pretend you’ve
never seen one another before. Take time to just
check one another out and appreciate how each
of you look from afar. Flirt and chat each other up.
Be whoever you want to be; have fun with creating
characters that you stick with throughout the whole
night. Get a hotel room if you can afford it, or else
one of you can invite the other back to your place.
Do you have date nights? If so, are you making
the effort to do things that really connect you?
Going out for a nice dinner can be great once in
a while, but putting in more effort and trying new
and different things can really boost your intimacy
and desire. Take dancing classes, go for a couple’s
massage, take a cooking class together, visit a sex
"Attraction also
involves much
more than just how
a person looks."
store and get some new “supplies”, find a sexual
workshop to attend together (good sex stores
either offer them or can tell you where to find
them), go to a strip club together (if comfortable
with that). Get creative and out of your comfort
zones! Do the quiz at mojoupgrade.com, or even
go through the entire FAQ in the sex forum of
Reddit on sexual techniques and acts you can
do to spice things up (reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/
index#wiki_sexual_techniques). The key here
is to work through all of this together. It takes a
serious amount of effort to keep that spark not
only alive, but also burning hot and bright. It
involves talking about your sex life on a regular
basis and putting in the work needed to build
and maintain that intimacy. Even if it means going
back and doing sensate-focused exercises to start
things up from scratch, try out all the options in
order to learn what works best for the two of you.
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Sex Advice
Dear Maxxters,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I then
got my annual pap smear. I got the results back
saying I am positive for HPV. I had a positive
result for HPV a couple years ago, and had
to have some of the dangerous cells (which
could potentially cause cervical cancer) on my
cervix removed. It was a pretty easy, painless
experience, and then the HPV went away for
a couple years, but now it is back. I was dating
him when I had HPV the first time, and since
we had not been using condoms before I was
diagnosed, we didn’t use condoms after. We
figured he had already gotten it, and we were
exclusive. Now that I am back in the dating
world, how do I handle telling people I have
HPV? Is using condoms enough to prevent the
spread of HPV? Will guys be reluctant to sleep
with me if I tell them I have HPV? — Anonymous
Hi Anonymous,
HPV is a tricky thing. It’s understood that if you’ve
had multiple sexual partners, the chances are
that you’ve either had, or currently have, HPV.
Estimates are that as much as 80% of the sexuallyactive
population has it. It tends to be viewed as a
non-issue by many people, unless it’s the cancercausing
strain. Before anything else, have you had
the HPV vaccination? If not, I would recommend
getting it, especially if you’re under 25. There
are numerous strains of the virus and it’s not too
late to protect yourself against them. I would also
definitely advise that you let any potential partners
know that you have it. It is not up to you to decide
whether or not someone else should be okay with
it—they need to be able to fully consent to having
sex with you, which includes knowing the full risks.
If they’re sexually educated, they will know the
effects of, and statistics about HPV, but if not, it
would help for you to give them the information.
Tell them before your clothes come off. If you
know you’re getting to the point where you’re
both thinking of becoming more sexual together,
talk to them about it in a non-sexual situation.
There’s no way around it, really—it’s a topic you
just have to dive right into. Ask them when they
were last tested, and then you can let them know
about your situation.
Using condoms can definitely help reduce
the risk of transmitting HPV. However, it doesn’t
completely eliminate the risk. HPV is transferred
through skin-to-skin contact, so the areas around
the genitals that aren’t covered by the condom can
still come in contact with the virus. Many people
are okay with sleeping with those who have HPV,
and many people aren’t. I have no doubt you’ll
be able to find a sexual partner or partners, but
you do need to prepare yourself for the chance of
being rejected by those who aren’t comfortable
with the situation. Just make sure you understand
it’s not anything against you as a person. You are
not the disease. It is just something you have right
now and something that will likely be out of your
system within the next year or two. You don’t need
to become asexual because of it. The more time
you spend learning about the virus, the better
equipped you’ll be for handling any questions a
potential partner may have.
Have a sex question? Email Maxxters at
maxxters@hussymag.com
Maxxters is a sexuality education specialist with a Master’s in
human sexuality. She has worked with individuals regarding
all aspects of sex and sexuality as well as issues with body
image and health. She currently works mainly with high school
students and their parents, helping to educate them on all
aspects around human sexuality, including communication
about it between parents and children.
WINTER/2014 | Hussy pg 69

Tough Stuff
Tough Stuff
Vaginismus:
Suffering in Silence by Sophie B.
Painful sex. I thought it was normal.
I met my now-fiance during my Freshers
Week. Two weeks later we were together.
Three weeks after that we took the
plunge—we decided to have sex. Neither
of us had done anything sexual with past
flames, and we were learning as we went
along. It hurt the first time, and I bled. But
hey, that’s normal right? It hurt the next
few times as well, but from what I knew,
that was still normal; what was I worrying
about? Anyway, after the initial pain, sex
was awesome, probably just because we
were doing it about five times a night
every night. Surely it was nothing serious.
Just having too much fun.
But the discomfort never completely went
away. Sex hurt. It made me wince. Each
time, once we got past the initial insertion
it was fine and I enjoyed it, so I told myself
I was being a wuss and to just ignore it.
I figured it was normal. But our sex life
slowed down because I didn’t like being
in pain.
When I went to get my first smear test at
20 I was nervous as hell. Sex hurt; so how
bad was this going to be? I told the nurse
I was worried. She told me everyone was.
She told me it would be fine, and it would
all be over in a matter of minutes. She used
the smallest speculum, but it still made my
eyes water. I told her it was painful, what
it felt like, and that it hurt during sex there
as well. Her response was a quiet “oh”,
and then she told me that sometimes
sex just is painful, but she’d take an extra
swab to make sure it wasn’t an infection.
She made me feel as if I was making a big
deal out of being normal—everyone hates
smear tests anyway, right?
It took a lot of pushing from my partner,
and sex getting more and more painful for
me to finally give in and go see someone at
a sexual health clinic. I felt like a freak, and
I certainly didn’t feel comfortable with the
idea of someone I didn’t know examining
such an intimate and painful area of my
anatomy. The doctor was lovely though.
I explained what my sexual history was,
that it was now so painful I never wanted
to have sex ever anymore, and that my
partner was being amazingly patient, but
was understandably frustrated.
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Tough Stuff
I was asked a lot of questions, and the
answer I got was, “This sounds a lot
like vaginismus.” There was a simple
examination, which confirmed that yes,
it was extremely painful and not normal,
and what was wrong. I almost broke down
crying. I finally felt validated. After two
years of feeling crazy because everyone
I’d spoken to had told me it was normal,
I finally knew that sex shouldn’t be
something you dreaded.
Vaginismus is a condition that causes the
muscles in the vaginal wall to contract
involuntarily. This means that insertion is
extremely painful, as the muscles react to
the pain of insertion by tightening even
further. The more painful sex you have,
the more your muscles anticipate the
pain, and the more they contract. For me
it felt like a ring of burning fire, which was
hell to get past, but once past was okay.
Getting past that point, though, had me
almost in tears a few times. If someone
had told me in the beginning that painful
sex wasn’t normal and that it was curable, I
wouldn’t have let it get to the point where
I couldn’t have sex, and I wouldn’t have
put my partner through that.
Vaginismus is generally classified in two
ways: primary and secondary. Primary
is when you discover penetration is
impossible or overly painful the first time
you have sex. Secondary comes on after a
period of pain-free sex, and can be caused
by something like a yeast infection or UTI
causing pelvic discomfort, triggering the
muscle spasms during sex. Sometimes
secondary vaginismus can come on
with seemingly no cause. There are also
different levels of each, like in my case. I
“If someone had told me
in the beginning that
painful sex wasn’t normal
and that it was curable, I
wouldn’t have let it get to
the point where I couldn’t
have sex.”
have primary vaginismus, but it evolved
over time from discomfort to excruciating
pain.
There are many factors that can lead to
vaginismus developing, from mental to
physical. It can even have no identifiable
cause. In terms of mental factors, they
revolve around fear, anxiety, traumatic
experiences, and your upbringing. A lot of
women brought up with extreme religious
or moral “sex is bad and dirty, and only
bad people do it!” messages develop it as
sex becomes identified as an immoral act
in their psyche. I remember during a youth
group session at a church meeting when I
was a teenager we had the ‘sex talk’ and
were told sex is actually really awesome,
and we shouldn’t think of it as dirty, just try
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to wait. The minister told us about his friend
whose wife couldn’t have sex with him
because it had been repeatedly reinforced
in her brain that sex was bad and dirty and
should be avoided at all costs. Vaginismus
can also be triggered by physical reasons,
such as other forms of pelvic discomfort,
childbirth, age, medications, trauma, and
abuse. Sometimes it’s a mixture of mental
and physical, and sometimes the cause is
not identifiable.
Treatment for both primary and secondary
vaginismus is largely the same. For me
it involved, and still involves, dilators—
plastic bullet-shaped cylinders that you
slowly insert into your vagina, leave for a
period of time you are comfortable with,
and then remove. Basically, they train
your muscles to get used to pain-free
insertion. You start with the biggest you
can insert without pain, and then as each
one becomes comfortable, you move to
the next size up. Eventually it becomes
possible to have sex again!
I started with something less than an
inch in circumference. I’m not going to
lie—I have struggled with the treatment.
It feels awkward and you really have to
want to help yourself. The more you train
with your dilators the faster the recovery
process. I was scared when I got my set. I
felt almost dirty to be using them, and the
prospect of putting them inside myself
when I couldn’t do that with my partner
really hurt emotionally, and then physically
because I couldn’t relax. Eventually I got
better in regards to it, and around a year
after my diagnosis my partner and I began
to have penetrative sex again. Sure,
it’s not five times a night, not even five
times a month, but it’s sex. An important
part of getting to this point was getting
comfortable talking to him about this, and
helping to ease his discomfort with it. To
help me make more progress he needed to
be involved with the treatment by taking
control of insertion of the dilators so that
my muscles got used to having it done out
of my control. He found it difficult, partly
because he found it difficult to do so
without wanting to have sex awfully badly,
and also because he was uncomfortable
with the situation itself.
It was particularly difficult for him because,
over the course of sex becoming so painful,
being diagnosed, and not having sex for a
long time, my sex drive crashed. I never
wanted to do anything sexual, not even
solo. I felt guilty about it, but sexual activity
in general just dropped off. My wonderful
partner was amazing, but he did get
very frustrated because I was completely
unenthusiastic about anything sexual,
whether it was attempted penetration or
not. There are a lot of couples that are
working through vaginismus, however,
who do have fulfilling sex lives. There’s
mutual masturbation, oral, intercrural sex
(which is where you simulate penetrative
sex, but the penis goes between the
thighs, rather than in the vagina), and, if it
floats your boat, even anal sex. You don’t
have to forget sexual activity altogether—
there’s plenty you can do to have a great
sex life when penetration isn’t possible.
I’m still hesitant of penetrative sex
because of my experience with it so far,
but hopefully it will become less and less
of a problem. It’s still difficult to start, but
it’s nowhere near tear-inducing anymore.
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I have found that using a dilator during
foreplay until we’re ready for penetration
is the best way to keep everything as
pain-free as possible, as well as my having
complete control of the rate and angle
of penetration (which is understandably
hard for my partner sometimes!). Using
a vibrator can also help massively. As I’m
being penetrated, if I feel like it’s a bit
much, using my vibrator on my clitoris
seems to divert the attention of my
muscles and it’s easier to get over that
last hurdle. My partner really has endless
patience, though every once in a while
his frustration with the situation shines
through. The situation, diagnosis, and
treatment have been a rocky road for both
of us, and something we’ve needed to and
still do need to work on continuously. But
we’re getting there.
“V
aginismus can also
be triggered by
physical reasons, such as
other forms of pelvic discomfort,
childbirth, age,
medications, trauma, and
abuse.”
buy it, but it is definitely worth it. It’s full
of all sorts of interesting diagrams and
anatomy facts, and is very informative.
It also gives exercises that are extremely
helpful. There are a multitude of different
ways to work through vaginismus, and it’s
very much a “do what you’re comfortable
with and at the pace you want” type of
recovery. The message to take away
though is that you will make it through.
Don’t let nurses and doctors tell you it’s
all in your head. Don’t let them convince
you it’s normal for sex to hurt. Don’t let
them leave you wondering if you’re crazy
or broken. Don’t let them take away your
chance at a fulfilling sex life that involves
pain-free penetration.
Since my diagnosis it’s been a long journey,
but I’m getting better! Sure it’s taking
a while and a lot of patience from both
myself and my partner, but we’re well on
our way.
It’s about time vaginismus was
recognized—we don’t deserve to suffer in
silence.
If you want to know any more about
vaginismus, www.vagnismus.com is a
really great resource.
When I first got my diagnosis I turned
to the Internet, specifically a site called
reddit. A wonderful user got in touch
with me and recommended a book called
Healing Pelvic Pain by Amy Stein. There’s
even a Kindle version so you can own it
discreetly (which was a big concern of
mine). It took me a long time to actually
Questions? Going through something
similar? You can contact Sophie by
messaging reddit.com/u/alter-native.
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Recipes
Sweet
Indulgence
White Chocolate Pumpkin Cheesecake
with Snickerdoodle Crust
Since
BO-beau opened in
2010, we have had a dessert on the
menu called “Ménage à Trois”—a chocolate trio.
One of the components has always been a white chocolate
cheesecake. We like to change the swirl flavor seasonally,
but after going through several editions, we started getting
frisky with the crust also. We’ve all heard of graham cracker
crust and Oreo crust, so we thought, “What other cookies
would be great crusts?” And voilà! The snickerdoodle
crust was born. I chose to use my mom’s snickerdoodle
recipe to make it all the more special. I hope you enjoy this
cheesecake—it is perfect for the season!
By Katherine Humphus
Supplies needed:
• 9” springform pan (cheesecake pan)
• KitchenAid stand mixer (or large
bowls with whisk)
• Food processor (or mortar and
pestle)
• Rubber spatula
• Spoon
• Butter knife
• Measuring cups and spoons
• Baking sheet
• Parchment paper or non-stick
cooking spray
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Snickerdoodle Cookies (for crust)
Yield: three dozen cookies
1 cup butter, room temperature
1 ½ cups granulated sugar
2 eggs
2 ¾ cups flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
¼ teaspoon salt
—
½ cup granulated sugar
3 tablespoons cinnamon
Using a KitchenAid stand mixer or large mixing
bowl with whisk, mix butter, sugar, and eggs together.
In a separate bowl, measure and combine
flour, baking powder, and salt. Add to butter mixture
and mix until well combined. Using a cookie
scoop, make one-ounce balls and then roll raw
dough in mixture of sugar and cinnamon. Place
on cookie sheet lined with parchment paper.
Bake ten to twelve minutes at 375 degrees.
Once completely cool, grind cookies (not all of
them! About ten cookies for two cups) in food
processor until fine crumbs are produced. Reserve
in airtight container.
Snickerdoodle Crust:
2 cups snickerdoodle crumbs
½ cup sugar
¼ cup melted butter
In a medium bowl, mix together cookie crumbs,
sugar and butter. Press crust into cheesecake
mold bottom firmly.
White Chocolate Cheesecake Batter:
2 cups white chocolate
½ cup half and half
24 ounces cream cheese (softened)
½ cup sugar
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Preheat oven to 325 degrees. In a metal bowl
over a pan of simmering water, melt white chocolate
with half and half, stirring occasionally until
smooth.
In a large bowl or KitchenAid stand mixer, mix
together cream cheese and sugar until smooth.
Beat in eggs one at a time. Blend in vanilla and
melted white chocolate until cheesecake batter is
smooth. Reserve one and a half cups of completed
batter to make the pumpkin swirl batter.
1 cup pumpkin puree
Pumpkin Swirl Batter:
To Assemble:
1½ cups white chocolate cheesecake batter
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon nutmeg
Mix together well in bowl with whisk or KitchenAid
stand mixer.
Once the snickerdoodle crumbs have been firmly
pressed into the springform pan, add the white
chocolate cheesecake batter on top. Then, in
small spoonfuls, add the pumpkin swirl batter in
dollops on top of the white chocolate cheesecake
batter, spacing out uniformly. Using the back
of a butter knife, swirl the pumpkin swirl batter
into the white chocolate batter by dragging it
between dollops and in circles around the springform
pan. Once desired swirl effect has been
attained, place on baking sheet.
Bake for 15 minutes and turn. Bake for another 10
to 15 minutes until filling is set. Check by lightly
tapping the pan and seeing if the center jiggles.
Remove and let cool at room temp. Once cool,
chill in refrigerator. Enjoy!
Photos courtesy of Katherine Humphus
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Recipes
Pumpkin Pie Chia Pudding
(gluten-free, vegan, sugar-free)
While
constantly
searching for healthy
alternatives to sugar-laden desserts, we came up
with this delicious recipe to add to our fall/winter
repertoire. It seems to avoid most allergens (dairy,
gluten, soy, sugar for diabetics, nuts if omitted)
and tastes great! It’s perfect to bring to a winter
potluck and easy to make in bigger batches.
Yield: about three cups
2 cups canned coconut milk (light or full fat)
½ cup pumpkin puree
3 teaspoons vanilla extract or 1 whole vanilla
bean, scraped
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
½ teaspoon ground nutmeg
¼ teaspoon ground ginger
1 pinch of ground cloves
4 tablespoons chia seeds
Coconut whipped cream (optional)
Candied walnuts (optional)
Combine all ingredients except for the chia seeds
in a blender or food processor until smooth. Pour
the mixture into a mixing bowl, and stir in the chia
seeds. Cover the bowl and refrigerate for at least
four hours.
Spoon or pour into bowls, and top with a sprinkle
of cinnamon and maybe even some fresh whipped
coconut cream or candied walnuts, if you wish.
Serve cool or at room temperature.
About the author
Katherine is a Le Cordon Bleu Paris alumni and the
Executive Chef at BO-beau kitchen + bar in San Diego,
California. Katherine is obsessed with cooking French
food, as well as ensuring that other cooks of all levels
feel comfortable and confident cooking French cuisine.
Visit her restaurant’s website at www.bobeaukitchen.com
or email her at Katherine@bobeaukitchen.com!
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Moments
by Trista Hidalgo
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“Bring your
personality to
your wedding, if
there’s something
that’s really you or
both of you,
include it.”
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“ The best part of being a wedding photographer
is seeing people in love...
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and catching those moments when they’re at their most
vulnerable...
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...that moment when
they look at each other
and you know that they
wouldn’t want to be with
anyone else in the world.
It’s just magical.”
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About The Photographer
“If you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life.” By that measure, Trista
Hidalgo hasn’t ‘worked’ a day in the last decade. With a natural eye for beauty, a penchant
for the creative, and a work ethic bordering on insanity, she is most commonly
seen with one eye peeking out from behind one of her Canons, fiercely clicking away. As
the founder and owner of Altar Image Photography, she has honed her craft in special
event, wedding, and boudoir photography, while also building her portfolio with canine,
action, and automotive.
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poe
Forever Fucked & Falling
Rachelle Mathis
I fall
I fall for
flaws and mistakes and the way a man bites his lip when he isn’t quite sure what to say.
I fall
for those moments when he’s got something between his teeth and doesn’t know, when
he looks like a little boy when he sleeps, and all I wanna do is protect him, and all he
does is hurt me.
And then he’ll say he doesn’t love me,
that he lied.
Both. Whatever.
But still,
every day there is something new to love, something new to uncover like scraping dirt
from an ancient headstone. Like something that should stay buried but won’t because
there’s love in the world despite everything that says otherwise.
I fall
for his screw-ups and limitations in a way no one will ever fall for mine.
Every morning I tell myself that it’s going to end, that today is the day I stop needing
something more.
Then a man with blue eyes who smells like rain and cigarettes, or a dark haired boy
with fingers that move like a spider on its web will blindside me with his jagged past, his
bleeding insecurities, his need for my touch behind his ear.
And
I fall.
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try
breakroom
Samantha Hunsberger
She reads
horoscopes
like
the forecast
checking
every morning
to see
if her day
will be
interrupted
with
bad karma
like
cold fronts
moving
across the
plains
or
the mind
“You will be deceived today.”
the weather
is
so unpredictable
this time
of
year
About the Authors
Rachelle Mathis is a freelance writer of
fiction, poetry, and erotica. On occasion,
she also does other stuff. Her personal blog
may be viewed at
www.rainroofinstantcoffee.blogspot.com
________
Samantha Hunsberger is a graduate student
at Indiana University South Bend, and will
receive her Master’s Degree in English with
a focus in creative writing this coming May.
Her favorite writers are Robert Creeley
and Kurt Vonnegut, but her goal in life is
to write something that Jenji Kohan would
want to turn into a series.
pattern by Kim Ruddock
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DE
LIC
IO
US
Original Art
art by
Joanna Barnum
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To see more of
Joanna Barnum’s work,
please visit:
www.joannabarnum.com
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Nightstalker
by Zarah Austin
Illustrations by Celia Favorite
She was out for a walk downtown at midnight. The streetlights reminded her of graceful
ballerinas. Like the one from your jewelry box that danced repetitiously in mechanical
circles. She didn’t recognize that thought. It was a flash in her subconscious.
There, and gone.
As she passed by the park she thought she heard something. She looked, and seeing
nothing, moved on. The park was empty. The leaves had not yet budded, but the snow was
gone and the short grass was emerald green. The benches sat ghostly bare and the trees
looked fake, like plastic replicas. Just like the false trees in your dollhouse’s front yard.
She pulled her thoughts quickly to all the things she had to do tomorrow. She was
never easily spooked. This event was no exception. It had been a cat, or a twig falling at the
edge of her vision. Then why can’t you stop thinking about it?
She still didn’t pay attention to the voice. It was a little tug at the back of her thoughts.
She hadn’t listened to it, or for it, in so long she had forgotten what it sounded like. The voice
had been gone for years on end. Ever since you saw the last of your father’s friend Nathan...
She still didn’t hear it. She had spent years trying to avoid it before it vanished. It had
always been an unwanted presence in her mind, a mystical undercurrent cutting through
her cozy, rational reality.
She looked up from her reverie to discover that she was passing the museum. There
must have been an event going on because usually its glass carousel house was dark, but
now it was bright and shone like a fiery beacon on a moonless night. The people she could
see from this distance were milling about in formal wear. One couple caught her attention
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in particular. The man was wearing a tux with red accents; the woman was wearing a spectacular
red evening gown that glittered with a million sequins and matching gloves. Identical
to the dancing couple in the music box your mother gave you just before she died.
She stopped and realized her mind was up to something. She heard the voice that
sounded familiar—no. She panicked and blocked it out.
She walked along, faster, until she was approaching the seedier bar district. She was
suddenly struck by the feeling that someone was right behind her. She whirled around, her
peacoat fanning out like a tablecloth twirled by a professional. There was no one behind
her. She turned back. As the click of her second step stopped reverberating, she was struck
by the feeling again. This annoyed her—it was not reasonable to believe that someone was
following her when she had just seen that no one was there. She walked on.
It isn’t reason, it’s intuition—something you distinctly lack.
She definitely heard it that time. She wondered if she was going crazy. Her mother
had always told her that the voice was—well, she couldn’t remember anymore. It had been
a beautiful analogy. She had mentioned the voice to her father once, and she had paid for it
with trips to a psychologist and worse. After years of poking and prodding, she had ceased
listening to the voice. She had avoided it like the plague because it was an element of the
world no one else seemed to acknowledge. She always pretended there was nothing beyond
what everyone else could see, but there had always been a quiet doubt that she tried to ignore.
She knew, deep, deep down, there was something else out there.
Her reverie was interrupted by the honk of a car horn. She looked up to see that she
was two steps into a crosswalk. The driver looked impatient so she rushed across the street.
A woman walked by with a small shaggy dog, and a man in a bar window slouched over a
beer.
The stuffed dog you loved so much and the painting above the sofa. You stared at the
painting and hugged the stuffed dog when you had the flu, when you were seven.
There was that voice! She couldn’t quite let herself hear what it was saying, only that
it was talking about the forgotten memories of her childhood. She shook a cigarette out of
a pack and lit it, taking a deep drag.
Then she felt again as if someone was right behind her. Paranoid spiders crept up
her spine. She walked a few steps, and then could ignore it no longer. She spun around to
find no one behind her. She was completely alone on the street. Two or three blocks back a
drunk stumbled into an alley. A cat darted past a telephone pole. The lights at the museum
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were extinguished as if they had never been there. She was, for a single moment, terrified
beyond all comprehension that she had gone mad.
The moment passed and she turned back around and kept walking. She told herself
that night held no reasons to be frightened. She told herself there was a rational explanation.
She was wrong, and the voice took up its old eloquent yet sarcastic tone.
Oh yes, deny everything and nothing can possibly be amiss. Ignorance is bliss... You
really are a dolt.
She groaned to herself. This was something she had avoided since… since…
Since you were sixteen and hiding scared in your closet lest Father and his rage track
you down and send you to the asylum so he could continue his banal and wonderless existence.
She decided to stifle the voice and put the cigarette out on the sidewalk. She called a
friend and asked if she was still at the pub a few blocks away. The friend said yes, and that
she would wait until they could meet up. As she began her walk to the pub she felt the frustratingly
familiar feeling that someone was following her. She decided to check again. The
part of her brain that was usually the voice instead was a klaxon wail of warning. Don’t turn
around!!!
But the cry fell on the deaf ears of a cynic. If anything happened to be there, it would
be something she could easily defeat with pepper spray. She looked. Nothing. Not the rustle
of a coat, the clack of a footstep, nor the sound of a person breathing. The space behind her
was vacant. She almost laughed at her own foolishness. Of course there was no one there!
She was just going a little nuts from all the stress at work. There was no voice! It was all a
figment of her stressed-out imagination!
The voice was very upset by her conclusion. You idiot! Haven’t you HEARD what I’ve
been saying all night? It’s Nathan! Your crazy father’s weird friend! DON’T YOU REMEM-
BER?
She stopped dead in her tracks outside the graveyard. Nathan? Why did that name
ring a bell she’d rather remain un-rung?
“Oh god, I remember everything…”
That was all she said before sinking into memories so terrible they should have stayed
hidden.
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She was three years old and her father was tucking her into bed. There came a knock
at the door and he went downstairs to check. She followed. Peeking through the railing she
saw her father greet a stranger. They spoke for a minute. Her father laughed loudly and allowed
the strange man inside, giving him a brandy in the study before either man realized
she was there. Her father turned, saw her, and smiled.
“Celia, I thought I told you to go to bed. Oh well… Nathan, I’ve mentioned my
daughter, haven’t I? Well here she is! Celia, this is Daddy’s friend Nathan. He is here to discuss
business. You run along to bed.”
“Without a story, Daddy?” she cried.
“No, pumpkin, I’ll be up to tell you a story when Nathan and I are done discussing
business. Run along now, before you wake Mother.” She ran upstairs to wait.
Evening after evening her father’s friend had come over after she and Mother had
gone to bed. Every night she had terrible dreams. Every morning she woke up lightheaded.
Every time she saw her father’s new friend a chill ran up her spine that she couldn’t explain.
It was almost three years until she heard him speak, and his voice terrified her beyond all
reason. She had come down to spy on her father and his friend, the first time she had done
so since that first night. Her father and Nathan were discussing her! Upon hearing her name
she burst into the room ready to announce that she disliked being talked about behind her
back.
Her father stopped mid-sentence and declared, “Speak of the devil! Celia! I was just
telling Nathan how excited you were about your first day of school!”
Her anger was totally defused. She made up a reason for bursting into the room. She
said that she had heard a monster under her bed. Dad promised to come check. “Besides,
dear, aren’t you a little old to believe in monsters?”
“On the contrary,” said Nathan. “One is never too old to believe that something outside
of reason is trying to get you.”
His voice and smile were more than enough to terrify her. She was chilled to her very
core. She would have run, but her father was holding her. That voice! It was like ice crystals
scraping against a frozen diamond. It was all of her fears of abysses, freezing to death, and
monsters rolled into one. It scared her so completely she nearly wet herself.
That was the first time the voice causing her current unhappiness appeared. RUN!
RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DON’T LOOK BACK! it cried desperately. She couldn’t,
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though she was desperate to. Her father didn’t seem to notice Nathan’s terrifying voice, or
his daughter’s discomfort.
“Nathan, I know you carry superstitions, but quite frankly I’d rather my daughter
was logical about that sort of thing.”
With that he carried her upstairs.
After hearing Nathan’s voice, she grew closer to her mother. The two of them became
nearly inseparable. From then on she hid when Nathan was around, and always listened to
the little voice. She mentioned it to her mother. Her mother told her that it was intuition—
just don’t tell Dad. Dad was a rational man and never let go of that.
At the age of twelve, the lightheaded mornings and bad dreams on the nights Nathan
came over stopped abruptly. Instead, they happened to her mother. The two of them talked
about it. She told her mother what Intuition said, but her mother insisted that it wasn’t true.
That was the only thing they disagreed on, but she was sure that the voice was right and that
Nathan had begun to do… something... to her mother instead of her.
One night soon afterward she heard her father invite Nathan in, and ducked under
her blankets quickly. Unable to sleep, she heard her father bid Nathan goodbye and collapse
onto the sofa. Then she heard the softest of footsteps coming up the stairs. She tiptoed out
of bed and peeked around the door to see Nathan in the hallway. He looked at her, and she
fainted at the sight of his eyes. They weren’t just bloodshot; they were tiny wells of blood,
blood on fire, swirling like a snake coiling itself up. She felt as though those eyes were portals
straight to hell. For years afterward, images of terrible fire haunted her in her dreams.
The next morning her mother was found dead of blood loss. Two tiny punctures
were found, almost but not quite covered by the fact that her throat had been slit.
After that her father was never the same. He stopped going out, and Nathan stopped
coming around. He barely spoke to his own daughter. And every time anything even remotely
supernatural was mentioned, he flew into an inexplicable rage. After nine years of
hearing the voice Mother had called intuition, Celia finally mentioned it to her father. She
spent three years in a mental institute as a result. She might never have gotten out, but her
father hung himself and left a note saying that she should be freed and that he left all of the
money to her. Sure there wasn’t much money, but freedom was enough for her.
Within two seemingly short years of arriving at the institute, the voice had disappeared
and her mind had erased all memories of her childhood. The drugs probably hadn’t
hurt the process. Why, then, had all these memories come back now? Why couldn’t they
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stay hidden away forever and leave her be? Why did the pain have to return at full strength?
Why, after all these long years of bliss, did her peace have to end at the behest of some odd
voice that drew its knowledge from God-knows-where?
Because Nathan is back.
“God no,” breathed Celia.
He is following you, and he wants from you what he already took from your mother.
And you will either stop him or die, and you do not want to die.
In an instant she made up her mind. She would work with the voice this time. Not
listening to it was what got her mother killed. She buttoned up her coat and looked around.
She would have to set a trap.
She went to the pub down the street first. She didn’t want to disappoint her friend,
and a drink would help steel her nerves. She and her friend had a few drinks, told a few
jokes, and cheered for the band. The clock struck 4 AM and she had to leave. Her friend
waved goodbye and staggered into a cab, more than a little drunk.
It occurred to her that she had originally left for her walk at midnight. Just like a fairy
tale—try not to lose your shoes. She walked down the street, ignoring the voice’s sarcastic
comment. She decided to set her trap in the cemetery. It would be ironic at least. She could
use herself as bait, but how could she defeat him?
How am I supposed to know? I would imagine a crucifix would help, but I’m just the
voice of what you already know. Not that you ever listen, but a voice has got to try.
She stopped dead in her tracks. How the hell could she beat Nathan? The seemingly
omniscient voice didn’t know; Mother couldn’t be asked. She didn’t know who else to turn
to. Just then she heard an odd buzzing noise and looked for the source. It was the neon sign
of a small secondhand store. It had two signs, one naming the store (Tumbler Used Goods
Emporium) and a smaller one reading “Open 24 hours”. She walked inside to find a young,
darkly-attired man standing by the register. She smiled at him and quickly moved into the
aisles. He was rather creepy, and she felt compelled to talk with him as little as possible.
Moving through aisles of old stuff she saw a small wooden crucifix hanging from a strand of
wooden beads in a mess of brass candleholders, old books, chipped ceramics, and a broken
telephone. She listened for the little voice.
It seems right, and inexpensive. You should buy it. Be sure to wear it around your
neck tonight.
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She checked the price tag. It read “$1 or best offer”. She noticed it was dusty and figured
that the shopkeeper would accept any offer. She haggled the price down to half the tag
and left swiftly.
Now she felt ready—well, as ready as she was ever going to feel. She walked into the
cemetery and wandered slowly along rows of antique headstones. Every thirty feet or so
she stopped to check a name. It took her almost half an hour to find what she was looking
for. She stopped at her mother’s grave and began the act. She fell violently to her knees and
wept. She even went so far as to cry out in anguish.
“Oh God! Why did my mother have to die? Why did you take the one person who
understood me? What is wrong with this world?”
A figure stepped from behind a tree just past her mother’s tombstone. He looked
awfully familiar.
I hope you are ready. This is what I’ve been gearing you up for all night. Don’t let me
down. Your mother knew but couldn’t bring herself to admit it. Don’t be like her. Accept
that which is fundamental to you not being killed tonight.
As the figure drew closer she pressed her hands over her eyes for dramatic effect.
She fell against the stone and made her cries louder and more saddened. The figure stepped
forward tentatively and then made its decision. He placed a hand on her slender shoulder.
“There, there. Don’t cry, you will see your mother again soon… !”
At that point he whipped her around to see her face, but instead he saw a crucifix.
What neither Celia nor her intuition knew was that the crucifix she wore had belonged to
an old priest. The priest had been killed and the old religious symbol had fallen into a flask
of holy water. It sat there for almost a week unnoticed, until a young priest found it. Unable
to bear throwing it away, he donated the crucifix to a local shop. The store had expected to
sell it quickly but failed.
The man hissed and dropped Celia. He was unmistakably Nathan, and he hadn’t
aged a day.
“What’s the matter, Nathan? Don’t you like crosses? Father always said you were superstitious.”
“You fool! Your father was a fool, and so was your mother! Neither of them saw what
was going on until it was too late! Your mother didn’t see because she didn’t want to. Do
you know what her last words were? ‘I should have seen before. I should have listened to
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Mama when she told me not to marry him.’ Your pitiful father never realized! He was the
most pathetic man I ever met! All he ever did was boast about his trophy wife and their little
daughter. Why do you think I killed her? She was happiness to both of you, and I loved
the misery he exuded, trying to drown his sorrow in a tsunami of gin. You were no better.
Crying, trying to hide your gift—it was pathetic! I did your father a favor, putting him out
of his misery. You were my little loose end, but I didn’t think you had figured anything out
yet. I thought you were still in denial.”
“I was in denial until tonight. Not that it matters to either of us anymore but, why tell
me all that?”
“Because you won’t be alive to tell anyone else!” His abnormally long eyeteeth glinted
in the diluted light of a faraway streetlamp.
“How will I be dead when you can’t touch me? I know this crucifix has power over
you, I just don’t know why.”
“It has power because I have been dead for a hundred years! I’m sure that gift of
yours knows the rest.”
“Gift? You mean the intuition voice that warned me about you? It hasn’t said much
apart from that you’re dangerous and that I should kill you. It didn’t say how though.”
“What did it say about that necklace you’re wearing?”
“That it held power over you, and that I should buy it.”
“You know more than you should. Only one of us can leave here tonight. I have never
been defeated yet, and I will certainly not be beaten by a half-breed!”
“Half-breed? What?”
“You didn’t know? You mother was no human! I have no idea what she was, nor did
that human oaf she married. I doubt even she knew, but she was certainly not a mortal. No
mortal has ever driven my hunger so fiercely nor tasted so sweet. Her blood was a flavor like
no other and satisfied my hunger for years. You were a weaker temptation then, but equally
delicious. Like pure sugar to a small child.”
“You evil bastard! You would drink the blood of a small girl, then kill her mother? If
I knew how I would kill you right now!”
“You should be dead. No mortal creature, let alone child, should be able to look into
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the blood-crazed eye of one of my kind and live! You merely fainted. That was when I knew
you were special, a creature with potential. That idiot father of yours locked you up. Sometimes
I think he just snapped. Both his wife and his daughter saw me, but not him? Idiot.”
“You certainly are powerful. But if anything I’ve read about creatures like you is
right, you won’t be able to scare any more little girls.”
“Why is that?” he sneered. “Do you have a wooden stake?”
“No,” she said calmly. “Turn around.”
He turned and saw the sun, just in time to be set on fire by it. He screamed and
flailed and grabbed at her ankles. His last words were said in between cries of agony.
“I will come back! I will kill you!”
She sighed as she saw him turn to dust in the grass. Her waking nightmare was over.
As she shook dust from her peacoat and started to walk home, she wondered if the voice
would leave with the danger.
Of course not, you dumb girl! I want to see what changed in the years I was gone. But
more importantly I want to warn you next time danger is coming. He isn’t the only thing out
there you need to worry about. There isn’t much worse, but there are many more.
We’ll be ready for them, she thought as she walked across the bridge past the museum.
Her cell phone rang and she picked up. Her friend from the pub asked if she had made
it home okay. Celia said no, she was just getting home now. Her friend asked why, and Celia
said she needed to pay homage to a little family history. She and her friend made a date for
drinks the following week as she walked into her apartment. Locking the door she collapsed
onto the couch. Home sweet home. Then she noticed the letter sitting on the table from yesterday’s
mail. It was a letter from an uncle on her mother’s side saying that his brother had
just died and willed her the old house. She was very confused; she had been left a house by
someone she had never met? This could be a whole other adventure. There was a number at
the bottom of the page.
I guess you had better call it.
Yeah, I guess I should, she thought, this sounds interesting. She lit up for the second
time that night. Maybe I should cancel drinks next week.
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About the Author:
Zarah likes writing and tea. Lots and lots of tea.
__
About the Illustrator:
Celia Favorite is an artist and illustrator currently based in Atlanta.
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THE CREDO
Intelligence is sexy. Life is an adventure.
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