Concerned United Birthparents - CUB - MA ~ Pg 203-290 - triadoption

NON-PROFIT ORG.
U.S.POSTAGE
PAID
DAVENPORT, IOWA
PERMIT NO. 3001
Officers
Lee H. Campbell
President
C/O HQ
Carole Anderson
Vice President,
Public Education
1141 Independence
Waterloo, IA 50703
Sandra K. Musser
Vice President,
Branch Administration
Box 156
Oaklyn. NJ 08107
Gail M. Hanssen
IVational Secretary
C/O HQ
Susan Dagget
Plational Treasurer
C/O HQ
BOARD MEMBERS
Carole Anderson
Pamela Bolduc
Lee Campbell
Mickey Carty
Susan Dagget
Donald Diguisseppe
Carol Gustavson
Gail Hanssen
Roy Hanssen
Charleen Justice
Bobby Lyman
Patricia Murphy
Sandra Murphy
Patricia Palmer
Patricia Patti
Mary Jo Rillera
Kathy Sawyer
Dr. Phyllis Silvermall
Sandee Tuccio

Dear Member,
The voting tn determine the degree of support CUB should extend searchers and researchers who are legally challenged ( Nov.-Dec.
Communicator .I has now been tabulated. Parenthetical votes are thrse of non-birthparents and descrepancies are due to some people
not voting onall the questions.
As ou may remember, uestion 1 asked if CUB should support the uncondltiond right of a11 adoption-related people to search.
1% l(2rvoting members mi 1 yes; 11 (5) suggested restrictions; 1 (0) said "don't support right to search".
"P
Question 2 asked if we should enly suppoh searchers who are le ally challenged. 83 (12) voting members said yes; 47 (13)
suggested restrictions; 13 (3) said on y if situation is CUB related; and 2 ( 8 ) said don't openly support.
Question 3 asked the same question about researchers (people who help searchers). 76 (3) voting members said yes; 45 (5)
suggested restrictions; 17(11 said only if situation is CUB related; and 2 (0) said don't support.
Question 4 asked whether searchers had the right to pay for researcher's fees. 143 (8) said yes; four (2) said no.
Question 5 inquired about the degree of material help CUB should offer: 123 (12) said offer help on a case-by-case basis; 20 (1) said
Urnit help to notices in newsletter; nobody suggested denyinghelp.
By a wide margin, then, voting members have expressed their desire for CUB to march forward with the issue of search rights. Yet,
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its regrettable more didn't cast their preferences into the pot, for now we must trust that the desires of those who exercised their
voting privileges represent others'.
L
The seeming apath appearing in our ranks is a little alarming. Surely it must be clear that we cannot expect to win the fight for
equality and fairness 2' so many remain inert.
Asking CUB members to purchase our Christmas cards is another example. We need to expand our financial resources. Yet, this
venture depleted them. Lee Hamilton is a most talented professional and she very generously offered to share her work with us. Her
offer and our efforts netted us, inconceivable as it seems, a loss.
The (lack of) response to the Help Wanted column carried in the Nw.-December Communtutor is another disheartening example.
We were/are in need of someone(s) to help us clarify the mystifying world of computerization, to help us identify financial resources,
to facilitate helpin for birthparents whose rights were court-terminated. The response? We heard from two persons. Two persons
among a members ip of wer 2,000 talented, skilled, and/or energetic people.
if
True, many are txemendously hurt; wounds-licking may be all they' feel they can accomplish at this point, or they feel they have
sacrificed all to adoption and there is nothing left to give.
t:
While I understand, have indeed been in both places m self, there are more healthful, growing ways to consider our fate, I think.
Gail Hanssen's, our National Secret., qxspective could e shared by many. She says, simply: "1 give the time to CUB that I would
give to my daughter if I were raising her.
A lot of energy and resources go into bringing up children but fate has us reading the Communicator instead. Fate has challenged
us in a different way.
It is certainly "okay" to have a lesser commitment than Gail's. But having a commitment is important, if not to CUB, if not to
younger, soon-to-be exploited peers, than to yourself. You can recognize your deprivation, your challenge, and fill a part, some parts,
of the void.
There are so many ways to express your caring for your missing loved on - a letter here, a mall sack there, a phone call here, a vote
there, a couple of hours in the library, befriending a needy soulmate, mapping out computerization. How gratifying to yourself such
things can be!
Perhaps we are not properly advising you of the ways you cancontribute. A really important beginning you can make, then, is to
talce a look at the reasons for your own seeming a athy. Ask yourself why you didn't buy our cards. Ask yourself why you didn't vote.
Ask yourself why you didn't offer to spend a few 1 ours in the library looking up things in a funding book. If you know computerization,
ask ourself why you didn't offer to share some of your knowledge. If you were court-terminated, ask yourself why you didn't offer ot
faci 7 itate helping for your peers.
.
Would you be kind enough to now share these reasons with me? I'm sure they were very valid reasons. If we can understand these
reasons a little better perhaps er can improve the way, the how, we are asking for help. Please do share with me. I'd really appreciate
it. Send your brief note directly to me at CUB'S Dover Office, 595 Central Avenue, Dover, NH 03820. And, thank you for your very
kind evaluation.
b
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ABOUT THE COMMUNICATOR
' Submlrelonr to the newsletter are welcome. Send to Carole Anderson at address on cover and specify whether full
name la to be used. Only your flrst name and state will be llsted unless speclfled otherwlse.
Change of Addre~r - The Comrnunlcator is mailed by speclal bulk rate and will not be forwarded. Be sure to notify hq
promptly of your change of addreas. SIX weeks notice is required.
Mernkrrhlp Explrrtion - Your malllng label on the front page of your Comrnunlcator contains the month and year of your
membership explratlon. Be sure to renew on time for uninterrupted receipt of your Communlcrtora.
Copyright 1982 by Concerned United Birthparents, Inc.
All rights reserved.

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BOARD MEMBER
VACANCIES
It's time to collect from you the names of people you would like to
see sitting on CUB'S Board of Directors. Ours is a working Board.
The person(s1 you nominate should be willing, at a minimum. to
react responsibly to periodic memos concerning such matters as
policy, program and budgeting; some Board members also head
IN THIS ISSUE,, ,
or sit on important committees. President's Comments 1 Mom Meets "~ead" Raby...6
....
st. Jack..,.,.,.,,.,....2 Truth is Sick.... .......
1-Sided Confidentiality. 3 Adoptive Mother Speaks. .
Echosof the 1950's ..... 4 1981 Bills Summary......
Judges Separate .........5 Pen Pal Requests**---...
1'm Angry, Too Cont ..... 5 Hope & Happiness ........
Mutual Helpfulness ...... 5 Poem....4 .*
~iterature/Gifts
,..... 10
i
THE MYSTERY BEHIND ST. JACK 8
Last Mother's a New Jersey newspaper quoted a birthmother as I was just five yebrs old, a most beautiful age to be held by a mother, when
crediting "a mystery man named Jack" with locating her surrendered child.
thesovereign state of~ew
J ~ in ~~~~~b~~ ~ ~ 1937, allowed ~ ~ us a ,
I
1t is our understanding that a local adoptive mothers' by this
article, beseeched the N.J. Attorney General's office to prosecute Jack, and
was then transferred to foster care and ultimately, adoption - a transfer that
was to affect my entire journey through life,
involved Betty Furness, an adoptive grandmother and NBC-TV employee.
I never satisfied my quest to hold or touch my mother's hand. I arrived six
In June. CUB'S New Jersey meeting was infiltrated by adoptive Jan years too late. She died with the thought that someday I would return. 1 can't
and Claire Pero who, while secretly taping the meeting. masqueraded as a begin to you how the grief still stains me.
birthmother and spouse. There they obtained a search referral. Following
this referral the couple contacted Lucy Pare and convinced Lucy to help them T~ you, to each birthmother, to birthparent, want you to realize this:
to locate their surrendered child. Acting as a go-between for a researcher that part grew within you and was surrendered will continue to grow
known only as Jack, Lucy the and* meeting at an into young
agreed-upon time and place, gave this information to Jan Pero. , .
children and adults eventually thirsting to know their heritage.
Your child will never be fully replenished with allithecomforts of life until they
Lucy immediately found herself surrounded by TV cameramen and
can reach out and "hold your hand". Do not wait too long, since time is so
precious^
producer, Rita Satz, and, subsequently, as the central figure of a multi-part
series on what NBC termed the "selling of sealed adoption records".
I vowed that others making up this adoption network would not suffer, that
I, in some small way, would contribute in reuniting mother and child.
~ uever-present t
behind the scenes remained the mystery man, Jack.
~ l t h during ~ ~ ~ my h sixteen years of enforcing criminal law, I upheld all
~eterrnined to protect his identity. Lucy and members of the search
group, Origins: steadfastly refused to cooperate with the authorities who principles required by the State, in my off-hours I was answering another law.
the law of I knew no judicial body and legislative branch could
sought Jack. Oriqins' members instead canonized him "St. Jack". However. legislate out of the hearts of birthparents or adoptees the right to search or
Jack was identified by five adoptees whom he had previously helped - look for their loved ones.
assumedly self-righteous adoptees who disapproved his willirigness to aid
birthmothers of minors. Bewildered, shell-shockeci, Jack emerged as Recently my quest was interrupted. The NBC-TV Betty Furness
gentleman Ronald Buchrnann. story of Mystery Man Jack and the misunderstanding and
preconceived fears of am adoptive couple named Jan and Claire
Ron is himself an adoptee. The third of four children, he and his younger Per0 all blended to delay your search and my quest for others. I
sister (being of adoptable age) were removed from his mother's care and the don't know what will happen to me. This deepens the scars I
home of his farnily after his father died. Ron remembers the day his mother's already have. It is ironic that the State that separated my mother
attempts to recover him resulted in her being physically removed from his from me has now prosecuted me because of it.
foster home. When Ron was 12, he was adopted by his foster family but he
never lost the need to see his mother again. It was a dream that fate cruelly However, the tremendous support corning forth, esl~ecially from
denied him. His long, ultimately successful search yielded only the belated birthparents I never met and the u~iderstandin~ of people outside
cold news of his mother's death.
the Triangle has propelled me. I now believe my demise is really
riot the end. The "Mystery Man" impact has created a Natiorlwide
Ron's mission then became one of helping to spare others. To this end, he resurgence. a renewal of faith, a binding together in spirit to begin
helped uncover information for many birthmothers about their lost children. reform for Adoption and create open records balanced fairly for all.
You, the birthmother, the most powerful part in this Triangle must
It was a mission which resulted in his betrayal by his own peer group, by his leati all of US since it was you who. out of love, did what you were Icd
termination of 15-years of employment in the New Jersey Department of to believe was "best".
Taxation, by his now-tarnished record of public service, and by the New
Jersey Court's recent imposition of a $1.000 fine.
In closing. I say to you ....p lease continue your beautiful journey
forward, no nlatter the odds. Renicmber while I looked up a1 my
In this rnoqth's issue. CUB is privileged to print an exclusive - St. Jack's
own heartfelt words ro birthniothers.
Mother's face SO long ago, you, too, looked upon your child's. N0\4!,
please go forth, so that sonie day you may "hold their hand".
Ron Ruclimann
[>car Birthmothers.. .everywhere,
If yo^ have kinci words to soottic? !lie soul that lies within lion,
My quest in life has always been a secret desire to hold or touch my ec1cr-searchillg for unclerstatlding of his pliclht. please write him:
nlotl~er'shand, again. I remember sowellthe anyuisheci lool< on my niother's P.0. Box 34. Edison. NJ 08818. Arltl, the Right to Search Furld
(ilce... her parting words that came forth that November clay. spilling into the v.'lints to raisc? aliotl~er S5ilO to pav 13011's tine. the first half alrcacly
,Ilr to be lost forever, except in my heart. t-ler kneeling down. looking up at li~lvi~l!~ bcell mpr d \r~ to your nlr6ady exl~rcssed qenerosity. If vou
IIIC?, plays in my fantasy to this very day. It comes over rne at unexpected call hell? a lirllc Illorc. or contribute rioik1, )>lease send to: l3igh-t to
i~lornents in my life. It leaves and returns.
Sc!arcl~ Fund. IJ.0. Box 1. Dour~d 13rooI(. NJ 08805.

THE ATROCITY OF ONE-SIDED CONFIDENTIALITY
IN GINGER'S EXPERIENCE, THE ONLY PERSON
FROM WHOM INFORMATION WAS KEPT WAS GINGER,
DESPITE COMPELLING MEDICAL REASONS FOR HER
TO KNOW*
Just after the passing of my seventeenth birthday,
I became pregnant. Since I was unmarried, I was
sent to a home in South Carolina for my "protection"
and told to take a pseudonym to further "protect
my identity."
On September 11, 1964, I had a beautiful baby
girl, Sherry. Before my daughter's birth and after
I was told it would be best for my baby to go to a
home with a mother and father who could provide for
her. It would be in my baby's best interest, etc.,
etc. I wanted to keep her but was told by the social
worker that, as a minor, I had no choice but
to surrender.
I was allowed to see my baby in the hospital, and
once when she was about six weeks old. As I held
her, I commented on how beautiful she was. The social
worker agreed and said she was healthy and had
a good home waiting for her.
, Within a year of my daughter's birth, I telephoned
the same social worker, told her I had married, and
wanted to know if there was any chance I might get
Sherry. I was told she was already adopted. I inquired
about her health and was told she was fine.
In 1968, when my husband and I were expecting our
first child, I telephoned the social worker again to
ask if there was any information I needed to pass on
to my obstetrician about Sherry or her birth, that
might enable the doctor to better care for me. The
social worker responded there was nothing to tell
except that I had a difficult delivery.
My precious son was born in January of 1969 and at
about nine months of age, it was determined he had
severe mental retardation. My husband and I wanted
more children but were concerned about the possibili
ty that the next child might have the same problem
as Russell, our son. Our concern was premised on
the fact that my brother and sister both had mental
retardation. There was no known etiology nor rhyme
or reason why it had hit our family so frequently.
I phoned the social worker to tell her about Russell
and the fact I was contemplating having surgery
to prevent having more children. I asked again
if Sherry was a typical 'child and was told yes. My
husband and 1 decided I should go ahead with the
surgery anyway as Russell had many health problems
which required almost total attention from me, and
would not permit me to properly care for another
child at that time.
All through the past seventeen years I have thought
of Sherry. I wondered if she was happy, what she
looked like, if she was making good grades in
school. In my thoughts I imagined her in first
grade, celebrated her birthdays with her, and
thought how happy she must be, now a senior in high
school.
I learned about CUB last spring and joined. In August,
I wrote a letter to the chief of placement in
our state requesting non-identifying information
'about Sherry's adoptive parents, and a copy of the
surrender papers, which were never given to me.
Seventeen years ago, I didnl t know I had a right to
them and they were not offered,
Just over two weeks ago, I received a call from the
local agency saying the Attorney General of our
state had determined I could have the information I
requested. A meeting was set up for the following
week, as they could not see me any sooner. I
thought I'd surely die before Monday came.
My husband, the original social worker who handled
my case, the director of social services, and I all
assembled at 2:OO.
Within ten minutes, I knew why the Attorney General
had ruled I could have the information. My daughter
was severely retarded, had never been adopted,
and for her last twelve years had been institutionalized.
The social worker said she knew there was brain damage,
possibly associated with the difficult delivery,
when I last saw Sherry at six weeks of age. Yet she
told me at that time that Sherry was healthy. In
fact, the documents I was given last week talk of
many other complications Sherry had as well as the
brain damage. I asked her why in the world she let
me walk out of there seventeen years ago thinking my
daughter was fine. She stated she thought it was
best for me not to know.
When I had called the same social worker within
Sherry's first year to tell her I was married and
wanted to get Sherry, she had told me Sherry was
adopted. In fact, she hadn't been adopted at all
but was in a foster care home. Plans were being
made at that time to institutionalize her.
In 1968, when I called the social worker to see if
there was anything my obstetrician should know, I
was lied to again, when she kept Sherry's retardation
from me and the fact that she was still in
foster care and not adopted.
She deceived me again when I called aftermy son's
birth, saying I was contemplating surgery and asking
if Sherry was a normal child, by saying "yes."
I also learned on Monday that the records whicl~ were
supposedly sealed "forever and always" had been
open: the original birth information, birth certificate,
and family history taken out, put into the
agency file, and passed on to OTHER agencies. Seems
everyone knew about Sherry, me, and Sherry's condition,
except me, The only thing that was confidential
was keeping the information from me, but not
from anyone else.
I learned that in 1967 a public health nurse who
knew my family connected Sherry to me through Sherry's
crippled children's records. She requested a conference
with members of the agency, a psychologist, and a
representative from the mental rehabilitation clinic.
The records state that the health department "was concerned
that this mother did not have other children.
They fe1.t she should be advised against this, yet
this agency took the stand that we felt they should do
this but use other background problems rather than this
child because this would be breaking confidentiality
this agency had promised the mother, and this was the
way it was to be handled." If this weren't so serious
it would be funny. The social worker writes of her
concern for my confidentiality, yet the confidentiality
had been violated time and time again, in the worst
way, without my knowing anything about it. The social
worker goes on to write in the records about the meeting
saying, "I told them this mother had released the
child and after her marriage she had returned and wondered
if she could have the child. We told the mother
the child had been placed in it's (sic) permanent home
and we would hate to have her know about this child."
Obviously they would hate for me to know since I had
been deceived at every turn. "It ,was agreed by the
clinical psychologist and those there that they would

talk with this girl regarding other family members
and not mention this child."
My mother took the phone call from the psychologist
who wanted to talk with me in 1967. 1 refused to
speak with him, saying there was no need. It was
my understanding at that time that Sherry was perfectly
healthy, so I saw no reason why my next child
would not be. IF ONLY they had been honest with me,
I would probably never have had another child and my
son would have been spared the chronic suffering he
has been through and faces throughout his life. Not
to mention that when my husband and I are dead, our
son will in all probability be institutionalized. I
love my son with all my heart and my husband and I
gladly accept the responsibility for his care. But
our hearts break for him, he has suffered so much,
and the uncertainty of what will become of him when
we are gone is agonizing.
At the age of five, when Sherry was removed from
foster care and placed in an institution, it was the
SAME ONE where my brother is. My mother's health had
deteriorated to the point she could no longer care
for my brother and had no alternative but to place
him. So, for TEN YEARS, when I went to get my brother
and bring him home for visits, I was totally unaware
that my daughter was RIGHT THERE. The records
mention that fact and state, "Sherry has an uncle
(her mother's brother) who's also at in another
unit . He has the same condition as Sherry. Her
natural mother comes to the hospital to visit: her
brother. There is a possibility that at some time
the mother may recognize the fact that Sherry is a
patient there. Mrs. said they would handle the
situation should it ever arise." EVERYONE KNEW BUT
ME.
The actions of the social worker or the agency cannot
be justified. Confidentiality cannot be used as an
excuse for not telling me. My confidentiality and
that of my brother were violated in many ways, many
times. I wanted Sherry and they knew it. Since she
was not adopted, but kept in foster care, I feel I
had a legal right to her. They told one lie and
felt they had to cover it up with another, and it
snowballed. They manipulated my life, Sherry 's, and
as a result, my husband's and son's. I feel the responsibility
for all my son has had to suffer, and
faces, lies squarely on the shoulders of the agency.
~n'd what about Sherry? What she has gone through,
being deprived of a home with me, being institutionalized,
can never be undone. It didn' t have to be
that way.
Strangely, I found out my personal file and the surrender
papers "cannot be located." The only thing
they have is a copy of the foster care placement
papers I signed. Also, there is a SIX YEAR GAP in
Sherry 's file.
A t this point, I feel a great deal of grief, almost
like I have lost Sherry again, even though I found
her. And I'm delighted I did. As much as I want to,
I cannot bring her home to be with me, where she belongs,
because of circumstances now with my son. I
hope and pray that someday I call, but only time will
tell.
perhaps sharing my story i$jith you, my CUB family,
might help one of you avoid a situation like mine.
!'our letters in the Communicntor and my pen pals
!lave been a trc+mcndous suppor't to me. Most of all, 1
t,lant . to thank my Iiusl)and, Doug, for loving me and
always ljcing there, supportive and undcrs tanding.
ECHOS OF 1950's AND 1960's TO RING DISCORDANT IN '80s
The adolescent Family Life Bill (S. 1090), designed by Mr. Jeremiah
Denton's Committee on Labor and Human Resources, has, incredibly, become
law - a law certain to separate families in the name of that "benevolent"
institution adoption, well known toeach of us who has been "served" by it.
The stated purposes of the Bill are six-fold, the second one being: "promote
adoption as an alternative for adolescent parents." To illustrate the
Committee's thinking about adoption, we've reprinted thatsectionfrom their
Report; bold i. print and capitalization are ours.
Section 1901. (b) (2)-Adoptlon
One of the major features of this bill is to promote adoption as a positive
option for adolescent parents. Over the past 50 years adoption counseling and
the provision of traditional adoption services in a confidential manner have
served millions of young girls and their families who have been faced with
an unintended or unplanned pregnancy. Religious and nonsectarian human
services agencies offered young girls maternity home care, counseling,
medical, nutritional and educational services, and assisted the girls in making
future educational and vocational plans for their lives after the baby was born
and a plan for the adoption of the baby was carried out. These services were
provided with discretlon and wlth a professional attentiveness to
confidentiality for both the young girl, the father of the baby, and their
familles - as well as for the approved adoptive couple. Unfortunately, during
the last decade the adoption optton has become a least desirable choice for too
many young, single pregnant women. There are many factors which have
contributed to thecurrentlylow percentage of adolescent parents who chose
adoption as the plan of choice for their baby. Not the least of the factors has
been the legalization of abortion. However, the lack of adequate counseling
and referral to adoption services provided by pregnancy testing centers,
educational school programs, family planning clincs, and the community at
large has also inhibited the decision of many young parents to choose
ado tlon.
&r example, in a study of 12 school programs for pregnant teens conducted
b the Rand Corp. wlth funds provlded by the National Institute of Education,
the 119 young women who were interviewed "no more than three carefully
o I'
considered all four options". According to
4
researchers, adoption was the
option most immediately rejected by the girls. Some girls were themselves
daughters of unwed mothers. The other reason given by the girls was that
adoption was viewed as a punishment to their baby. None of the girls seemed
to have any knowledge about the adoption rocess, or about how their child
would be placed with approved couples wlt 1 a slncere desire to have a child
and who might be able to guarantee a more secure future with a two-parent
family. Of the four options, adoption, abortion, marrying the father of the
baby, or caring for the baby as a slngle parent, "most decided to keep their
baby and remain single largely because it was the least objectionable option."
The financial and social insecuritles of young, single parenthood were little
considered or understood by these youn girls. The committee's intent is to
demonstratq through certain programs 7 or adolescents that education about
adoptlon, promotion of adoption as a positive plan for a child, and adequate
ado tion counseling and referral services are essential to insure that
ado f escent parents are able to consider carefully - and many may therefore
choose - the adoption option.
S. 1090 aiso defines as n necessary service the developn~nt and referral to
maternity home services. Such services may offer young pregnant girls a
comprehensive services program both for their futures and in planning for the
adoption of their child. In a study of the use of support services by young
pregnant girls done by the Child Welfare League of America and funded by
the Administration for Children, Youth and Families, girls served in a
maternity home setting received a more comprehensive set of services. than
those girls served by a "walk-in" facility. Maternit
r
homes, an important
resource in our communities have not been adequate y supported in the last
several years by either governmental or private sources of funds in too many
communities. S. 1909 encourages greater vtsibtllty and utilization of
residential services for adolescent pregnant girls. Too often young girls are
restricted to one choice to remain In their home communities and try to raise
thelr babies rather than planning for an adoption. The glrls are recipients of
extreme peer pressure to keep and ty to raise their babies rather than
planning for an adoption. MATERNITY HOMES CAN PROVIDE THE
SUPPORT AND SECURITY NE'EDED FOR MANY YOUNG GIRLS WHO ARE
MAKING THE IMPORTANT DECISION TO RELINQUISH THEIR BABY TO
ANOTHER BETTER PREPARED SET OF PARENTS TO RAISE AS THElH
OWN.
Express now your views about family separat~on by ddopti~~,
"confidentiality" to: Senator ,lern~iah Denton, Sentor Edward M. Keiirlc!dy
and the U.S. Senators and Representatives from your own state.
Addresses can be obtained by calling your library or L.ei~gue of
Women Voters or consulting the Letter we mailed when you joilied
US.

JUDGES, SEPARATE FAMILY --TO
PUN1 SH MOTHER?
A news clip from the January 12 issue of &e Des
Molnes Register illustrates two judges' use of
child custody to punish a'Millen, Georgia, mother
for an interracial relationship.
When Kathy Blackburn, now 27, and her husband Mark
were divorced in 1979, Kathy received custody of
their infant son, Nicholas. Kathy later gave birth
to a daughter, Jennifer.
Six weeks after Jennifer's birth, Kathy's former
mother-in-law Nancy Blackburn sought custody of
Nicholas, charging that Kathy was "a lewd person"
for giving birth to "an illegitimate, racially
mixed child." Nicholas, now 3, is white. Jennifer's
father is a black policeman.
With no notice to Kathy and no hearing, Judge Faye
Martin gave temporary custody to the grandmother in
June, 1981. The county's welfare agency, which was
asked to investigate, found no neglect or abuse and
was not a party to the suit. However, in November
Judge V. C. Hawkins awarded permanent custody of
Nicholas to the grandmother and denied visiting
rights to Kathy.
Kathy has not been allowed to see her son since
June, She asked, "Why did they take my white child
but not my black child? If I'm unfit for one, I'm
unfit for the other." Hawkins explained that "nobody
asked me to. And why should I? She wanted
her and there was nobody opposing it. 'I
Kathy vowed, "1'11 fight whoever I have to fight,
and I'll fight till the day I die until I get my
son back. He's part of me...I love my son. I I
Hawkins explained that his decision to separate the
family was in the best interest of the white child
becauee the "community here isn't, shall we say,
ready for that sort of integration, whether you
like it or not. How would you like to have one
little black one and one little white one? You
know good and well what the answer is. 'I
Apparently, the answer is that both racial prejudice
and the oppression of women are alive and well
in Georgia courts.
CUB contacted Kathy's attorney to see if we could
help, and there ie a possibility we may be sponsoring
an amicus brief to be prepared by students in
an Ohio law school.
Carole Anderson, IA
I ' M ANGRY,
TOO, ,, CONT I NUED
I was impressed by Marcy's letter in the Nov./Dec.
newsletter which dealt with her anger and frustration
with birthmothers who fail to aid other birthmothers.
I would like to take this two steps further:
(1) my resentment of those who take advantage
of the handful of people who help so many others,
and (2) the immorality and injustice of those who
turn on or forget the very people who helped facilitate
their reunion.
I - am relatively new to the adoption reform movement,
having only been involved for two years and
having only been reunited with my daughter one year
ago. However, many of my friends in ORIGINS and
CUB have made helping others their life's work for
five years or more, and I know how burned out they
have become becauee others take and take and take
without ever considering that they should give too.
Within any organization or movement there are always
a core group of activists upon whose shoulders most
of the responsibility falls. Unless we get more
birthparents and adoptees and adoptive parents actively
involved in helping others we will ALL burn
out. I try to remain my normal sympathetic, caring
self, but I really turn off when people call me at
an inconvenient time and request help and understanding
without making any effort toward helping
themselves or others. I hurt for people like Carol
Gustavson; an adoptive mother who is not only in
charge of CUB'S Liaison Committee, but who is also
on the Boards of CUB and Adoption Triangle Ministry
and an active and highly valued member of ORIGINS;
who takes time to speak out in favor of more open
and humane adoption at press conferences and Assembly
hearings; and who somehow manages to take care
of her family in spite of all the demands on her
time. Why, when we find someone "golden" do we
take advantage of their helping nature and contribute
toward their race to burn out? I'm only using
Carol (forgive me, Bunny, but I really love you) as
one example of unrealistic and unfair demands being
placed upon a handful of people in the movement.
My other frustration stems from my involvement with
"Jack," Ron Buchmann. I only recently met this
wonderful, caring man who helped hundreds of people
over the past several years. His dow'nfall was assured
because 5 people he had helped earlier identified
him in Grand Jury proceedings. He has lost
his job and now has a criminal record. How in the
world can those 5 live with themselves now that
they have deeply hurt the very man who gave them
hope and a chance to find a loved one they lost to
adoption? I believe that when someone helps you in
your search you have a moral obligation to NEVER
forget their contribution and to NEVER endanger
them. Why were those 5 so selfish and weak that
they thought only of their own happiness and cared
nothing for Ron? That is why so many people are
reluctant to help others search now: they're afraid
that someday a searcher will bite off the hand that
fed them.
This Christmas my daughter spent six wonderful days
with me. I would be dragged off in leg chains and
drink hemlock before I would ever endanger any of
the beautiful, selfless people who risked their
personal safety to help me find my only child.
Please understand that we are in this rotten adoption
boat together, and we'll all sink if we don't
stick together and help and support each other. We
don't have massive funding 'like the Edna Gladney
organization or the National Committee for Adoption
but we are blessed with a richness of spirit and an
abundance of faith, love, and sensitivity.
please reach out and help someone. If someone
helps you, treasure them forever. The only thing
most of us ask of those we help to "find" is to
never forget how much finding meant to them, and to
always extend that same helping hand to others.
Is that too much to ask?
MUTUAL HELPFULNESS
Alison Ward, NJ
IF YOU WOULD LIKE ADVICE AND INPUT ON A
PROBLEM, OR WOULD JUST LIKE TO SHARE FEEL-
IN%, WRITE TO CAROLE AT THE ADDRESS ON
YHE FRONT COVER, IF YOU HAVE THOUGHTS TO
OFFER TO SOMEONE WHOSE LETTER HAS APPEARED

HEREj WRITE TO CAROLE SO SHE CAN PRINT
YOUR RESPONSE OR FORWARD YOUR STAMPED
AND SEALED LETTER TO THE PERSON YOU
REQUEST
I would like some advice from those who counsel
other birthmothers, and also from mothers who have
themselves been rejected by their children, on how
to help a friend through the crisis of rejection.
I have known several birthmothers who were rejected
by teenage and young adult children, an event
which caused devastating pain and deep depression.
With one friend in particular I feel as if I have
hit a brick wall--I want to help her, but since I
have not yet met my son and don't know first-hand
what rejection by your child feels like, I have not
really known what to say.
Is it better to encourage further action, such as a
letter, call, or card, when a previous attempt has
been emphatically rejected, or is it better to urge
waiting, in the hope that time will change the
child's outlook? What if the lost and rejecting
child has become an obsession, taking the mother's
energy and attention away from the children who are
with her?
I have seen situations where mothers tried for years
to establish a relationship with adult children,
only to be repeatedly rejected and hurt. When is it
time to give up, to try to live without hope for a
reunion? When the rejected mother is one who has
put much time and energy into adoption reform, how
can the reat of us comfort her in the face of such
blatant unfairness and injustice? I suspect many
of these queetions have no answers, or different answers
for different people, but I would appreciate
hearing the views of othere on these issues.
My own experience with rejection was only with the
adoptive parents, and that no longer bothers me. I
felt awful for about a month, then things gradually
settled down, and almost a year later I feel the
eame ae I did before the contact was made, except
that I wish I had never sent that letter and had
continued to wait for the time I could make a direct
contact to my son. I do not expect to ever hear
from the adoptive parents again, and feel no more
concern for them than they feel for me. I am sure
that a rejection by my son would be much harder to
live with.
During the time immediately following my rejected
contact, I heard from several mothers who had suffered
similar or worse experiences, and it seemed
that those with strong religious feelings found it
easier to accept, Have those of you reading this
found this to be true? Has faith made rejection
eaeier to bear? Have any of you who are agnostic
or atheist found a way of dealing with rejection?
Have any who were previously religious suffered a
loss of faith as a result of rejection? Do you know
of any caees where an initial very strong rejection
wae followed by a reunion and friendly relationship?
Please write, all of you--your answers could help
save a life.
Mary Anne Cohen, NJ
(Ed. note: Please do respond to this concern. I
too know several birthmothers who have had to be
hospitalized recently due to severe depressions
following rejection, and of one suicide attempt. )
came pregnant as a result. Instead of giving her the
child, hospital workers told her the baby was stillborn
and put the infant in an orphanage. More than
40 years later, the daughter she thought was dead
contacted her. Mrs. Hall called it an "overwhelming
situation" and reacted with smiles and tears, overjoyed
to be reunited with her daughter, now Henrietta
Thompson. The agency involved was Catholic Family
Services in Fargo, North Dakota, which was affiliated
with the orphanage that took the "stillborn" baby.
IT'S OKAY TO SMUGGLE BABIES INTO U,Sl
A news clip revealed that a Tempe, Arizona couple who
tried to smuggle a newborn Brazilian girl into the
country, will not be prosecuted. Ron and Irma Hall
paid $2000 to a lawyer and $1500 to a doctor to get
the baby for them. When they were caught by U.S. Immigration
officials trying to smuggle the child into
the U.S., they apologized to officials and promised
to start proper adoption procedures so they could
keep the infant they had purchased.
Bob Mitton, U.S. Immigration and Naturalization deputy
director of the San Diego office, described their
actions as "a little love story" and declined to prosecute
them for buying a human being or 'smuggling.
LIVING WITH TRUTH IS SICK,
SAYS AGENCY
A member sent a copy of a Chicago Sun-Times article
that was reprinted in Search. In it, St. Mary's
Services in Chicago, citing the higher incidence of
emotional problems among adopted children, attributed
the problems to adoptive parents who were unable to
cope with the effect of infertility on their feelings
of self-worth. How were such couples identified?
St. Mary's felt that those couples who want to know
about the birthmother, her background, and her reasons
for surrendering her child were projecting "a
sense of defectiveness," and would not make good
adoptive parents.
The woman who sent the article states, "Why is it
that when someone shows a little normal curiosity
or humanitarian concern for the birthparents it is
attributed to 'failure to cape with infertility?'
Translation: Don't ask questions or you won't get
a baby. I I
AN OPEN ADOPTIVE MOTHER SPEAKS
I am the mother of an adopted daughter who is three
and a half years old. When Angela became part of our
family almost three years ago, my husband and I also
accepted her birthmother, Mary, into our lives. My
experiences with adoption have changed all of the beliefs
I once accepted about adoption when we first
considered it nearly eight years ago. We have come
to believe now that every adopted child seems to have
a need and a right to be connected in some way with
his or her birthparents, probably from the time of
adoption on. It seems to be healing for everyone to
end- the separation between the adopted child and the
birthparents, no matter how gradually it needs to be
done. A letter is not long enough for me to describe
the ways I feel that adoptive parents, as well as
children and birthparents, will benefit by reaching
out, or to go into how adoptive parents can start
.......................................
with small steps to open adoption gradually. But I
MOTHER MEETS DAUGHTER SHE THOUGHT WAS DEAD
would like to share a little of what it's been like
for me.
Katherine Hall, 58, had been raped at age 15 and be- Angela's mother Mary called us from California almost

three years ago. She had heard of us through a mutual
friend. Mary told me that she couldn't handle
the stress of continuing her education and continuing
to raise nine-month-old Angela on her own. She
e~plained that she had separated from Angela's
father before she knew she was pregnant and no
longer knew how to contact him. Because he was
black and she was white, her family rejected her
after Angela's blrth.
Mary and Angela came to visit us over Christmas vacation
as soon as Mary could get away. People
waxned us that we were setting ourselves up to yet
hurt, but we told them that whatever decision was
rnade about Angela, either we or Mary would suffer a
deep loss. Children never come to us with guarantees.
The month we spent together was often painfully
hard because of the uncertainty for a11 of us.
But Mary and Angela seemed to add something wonderful
to our lives from that first phone call.
Mary decided after about three weeks that she needed
not to parent and that Angela should become part of
our family, We knew we wouldn't do it if it wasn't
the best thing for everyone. We We offered to support
Mary if she wanted to raise Angela herself because
we knew we could never take advantage of another
person's poverty.
We all drove Mary back to California at the beyinning
of January. Mary and Angela suffered intense
grief at losing each other when the time for parting
came. I still cry when I think of driving away from
Mary, holding her baby in my arms, knowing how deep
her pain went. I could mother her child and she
could not, though it was no fault of her own.
The adoption, with Mary Is right to visit included,
was not legally finished for many months. But Mary
told us in her first phone call that "she's your
little girl now." Now we've had several good visits
with Mary. It wasn't easy for me to adjust to the
f dea of sharing the mothering of Angela. At first
I wanted to deny that Mary was still her mother.
But, after the first traumatic six months were over,
I began to realize that there was enough of Angela
to go around for several mthers. We searched and
found Angela's birthfather, Murry. Now she loves
and is loved by her birthfather and dozens of new
cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. The value of putting
energy into our relationship with Mary and Murry
continues to surprise and delight me. Mary has the
option of becoming as much a phrt of Angela's life
as she would like, now or in the future. Right now
she's living in a religious comunity, devoting her
life to God. Her family has come around to accepting
both her and Angela.
. I am presently connecting my efforts with other adoptive
parents who also want to move toward sharing
with their child's blrthparents. I would like to
hear from others about your efforts, your successes,
and your fears about connecting with your children's
birthparents,
Jeanne Etter, OR
SUMMARYIHIGHLIGHTS OF 1981 BILLS
accessible to parties to the adoption, Five state
legislatures (CN, MA, MS, PA, and VA) considered
bills which restricted access; the Connecticut bill
and the Virginia bills were enacted into law.
Six states considered bills to provide the adult
adoptee with easier access to non-identifying genetic
and medical information pertaining to the adoptee's
birthparents: ME, MA (H 57151, NH, NM, NC, and TN.
All of these bills were enacted into law with the exception
of the MA and TN bills. Kansas also passed a
bill whose wording does not specifically provide for
the release of genetic information to the adult adoptee.
However, the new law does mandate the compilation
of such information for the court record and I
understand from the Dept. of Social and Rehabilitative
Services that it is the intent of the new law to
make such information more accessible to adoptees who
are the subject of private placements. These five
states which enacted statutes allowing access to
non-identifying medical/genetic data form part of a
significant and growing number of states which have
enacted such laws since 1974.
The remaining bills, none of which are expected to
pass, fall into various categories of access bille.
Five states (LA, NC, NY, SC, and VT) considered registry
bills and nine jurisdictions (AK, D.C., FL,
MD, NV, OH, and WI) considered intermediary search
bills, while at least two states (WA and IL) considered
bills with both registry and intermediary search
provisions. Seven states (ME, MA, MS, NJ, NY, OH,
and PA) considered "open records" bills. It will be
noted that several states considered a number of
bills of various types and at least two states (MA
and PA) considered bills to both open and close
records.
There were various special categories of bills. Two
states (MN and NV) sought to improve and refine existing
access laws. Indiana considered a special
type of "open records" bill which would be prospective
and would apply to adoptions in which the child
was five years or older at the time of placement,
The Iowa bill suggested the establishment of a commission
which would have the power to rule on requests
for access. None of the bille to allow increaoed
access to identifying information is expected
to pass this year. Some are dead for good, while
others can be carried over into the 1982 session with
the same bill number.
On the federal level, Sen. Levin of Michigan reintroduced
his national adoptee-birthparent reunion registry
bill, on which hearings were held on July 23,
1981. The HHS Model Adoption Act for Children with
Special Needs appeared in the October 8, 1981 issue
of the Federal Register. The open records section
(see Jan. 1981 newsletter) had been omitted. Copies
can be optained through the HHS regional Adoption
Resource Centers.
(Reminder: Please send copies of any pending legislation
in your state to CUB'S Legislative Reporter
Pat Palmer, along with the names and addresses of
legislators and/or others to whom letters can be
sent.)
--------------------------..-------------
by Joseph Harrington, AAC Legislative Affair8 Chair- CONTENTMENT IS NOT THE FULF I LLMENT OF WHAT
man
YOU WANT, BUT THE REALIZATION OF HO\q MUCH
During 1981 30 jurisdictions considered adoption rccords
measures. This compares with 29 jurisdictions YOU ALREADY HAVE 1
........................................
in 1979, the last comparable year. Ao was the case
with bills during the 1979-80 cycle, not all the 1981 SWE answers only hr& mre questions.
bills eought to make adoption and birth records more

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' &4*
a Adoption Searchbook, by Mary Jo Rillera. An excellent book to guide you through the complicated maze of search. FREE with a $10
donation.
0 Adoption Triangle, Researchers Dr. Arthur Sorosky, Reuben Pannor and Annette Baran have reported on their
research on the need for adoption reform in this timely and important and important work. Now available in
paperback, it is available FREE wlth a $6.00 donatlon.
Birthmark, Journalist Lorraine Dusky has written a memoir relating how an unwanted pregnancy changed one
woman and led to her involvement in the open records movement and determination to one day find her
daughter. In hardcover, FREE wlth a $9.00 donatlon.
0 "The Birthparant's Right to Know, by Lee Campbell, CUB President. Reprint from the 1979 Issue of "Public
Welfare" magazine. FREE with 51.00 donation.
OChoices, Chances,Changes: A Guide to Making an lnformod Choice About Your Untimely Pregnancy. This 62
page booklet by Carole Anderson, CUB Vice President, Lee Campbell, CUB President, and Mary .Anne Cohen
Now available, it is crucial reading for every mother who is uncertain about the
fate of her pregnancy, FREE wlth a $4.00 donation.
ODeath By Adoption. Joss Shawyer has written a no-holds-barred account of the tactics used by society to
swindle women out of their children. FREE with a $9.00 donatlon.
Eternal Punishment of Women: Adoption Abuse. Written by Carole Anderson, CUB Vice President, with Lee
Campbell, CUB President, and Mary Anne Cohen, this is an important work - a feminist perspective on society's
treatment of unmarried mothers. FREE with $1.00 donation.
Q Helping Hand, compiled by Gail M. Hanssen, CUB National Secretary. A how-to work with agencies and
courts to document your experience as a birthparent, obtain information, and release "protection". FREE to
.4 birthparent members. Others, FREE wlth $3.00 donatlon.
0 I'm Still Me. Author Betty Jean Llfton's newest book ahwt an adopted teenager, her questions and h& search is sure to pull at your '
heartstrings, especially those interested in the needs of minor adoptees. FREE with a $9.00 donation.
I Would Have Searched Forever, by SandraKay Musser, CUB Vice President and Branch Administrator.
book revealing one birthmother's true story. FREE with a $7.00 donation.
q Lust and Found, by Betty Jean Lifton, a noted adopteelauthor's synopsis of the adoption experience.
paperback, FREE with a $5.00 donatlon.
A
In
0 My Family, genealogically designed "scrapbook" for non-adoption persons. $5.95
Cl My Famlly, genealiigically designed "scrapbook" for adoptees. $5.95
0 My Family, genealogically designed "scrapbook" for birthparents, to complete now to preserve your
surrendered child's heritage. $5.95
0 Orphan Voyage, Mother of adoption reform movement, Jean Paton, writes this historicai account. of its
beginnings. FREE with a donatlon of $9.00.
The Social Worker's Role in Adoption, article by Carole Anderson, CUB Vice President and newsletter editor
and herself a social worker, examines the feelings of birthmothers at surrender and the role of the social worker.
$1.00.
Our booklet, Understanding the Birthparent, compiled by Lee Campbell, CUB President, 24 Birthparents
convey a vivid insider's view of surrendering children. FREE with a $3.00 donation.
-GIFTS-
Vinyl bumper sticker: "Birthparents care ... forever". $1 .OO
0 Engraved Contribution Card honoring a beloved on a special occasion; to be mailed now or saved for the
future. Specify occasion (birthday? reunion?) and the name of the honoree. If you would like this listed in the
"Hope and Happiness" column in the Communicator, be sure to specify how you would like it to appear and
whether to use full names. Minimum separate donation of $5.00
Package of 20 Foldover Notes imprinted with the CUB logo, $5.00 donation.
0 Yellow T-shirts with CUB logo and words, " Birthparents Care.. .Foreverw. $6.00
ALL MONIES SENT TO CUB ARE TAX OEDUCTIBLE

REPRESENTATIVES
BRANCHES
Educator CUB and birthparenthood within loo mile job description: Educator of CUB and birthparenthood within 100 mile radius of,
radius of area. Does not handle money or keep books.
area and provider of services for birthparents.
QUALIFICATIONS: Energetic, articulate, resourceful; willing to solicit to media QUALIFICATIONS. stated under representatives. ,i,lso five area members,
coverage; to adhere CUB goals & philosophy; make year to three of whom are Lilling to assume 2 year positions of Coordinator, Secretary,
the position. This was created for individuals who do not yet have a core group to and T ~ M~~~ sign ~ a petition ~ for ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ h ~ h ~ ~ ~ d . ~
form a branch.
WOULD-BE LEADERS: Write to your area's Regional Coordinator
Representatives
Branches
ALASKA IOWA NORTH CAROLINA CALIFORNIA
Jana Vee Shedlock Vicki Adams Stacy S. Miller Kathy Sly
71 05 Shooreson Circle 451 0 N. Linwood 491 6 Brentwood Rd. 7571 Westminster Ave.
Anchorage, AK 99504 Davenport, lA 52804 Durham, NC 27713 Westminster, CA 96683
CALFORNIA LOUISANA OHIO FLORIDA
Randee Benson Claudia Smith Darla Burrier Barbara McGee
P.O. Box 15398 P.O. Box 154 26 Laurel Dr. 8257 Greenleaf Circle
San Diego, CA 921 15 LaPlace, LA 70068 Pataskala, OH 43062 Tampa, FL 33615
, -
CALIFORNIA MAINE OHIO MASSACHUSETTS
Linda D. Kane Carol Simpson Carol-Kay Thompson also serving VT, RI, ME
235 W. Quinto #2 RFD 2 P.0 Box 65 Libbi Campbell
Santa Barbara, CA 93105 Hilton's Ln. Amherst, OH 44001 P.O. Box 396
No Berwick, ME 03906 Cambridge, MA 02138
CALIFORNIA
OREGON
Suzanne Rubin MICHIGAN Maryl Walling-Millard MINNESOTA
5653 Laurel Canyon Blvd. Debbie Bryan 2190-13 Patterson Dr. Pamela Bolduc
Apt. 4 1201 So. Hanover St. Eugene, OR 97405 Box 33222
N. Hollywood, CA 91607 Hastings, MI 49058 Minneapolis, MN 55433
SOUTH CAROLINA
CALIFORNIA MICHIGAN Carolyn Piekielniak NEW JERSEY
Melanie Williams Mary Scholten 2009 Center Sp. Rd. Julie Bissey
1209 Belcamp Street 633 E. 11 th Street Edgefield, SC 29824 P.O. Box 115
Rio Linda, CA 95673 Holland, MI 49423 Haddon Hgts., NJ 08035
PENNSYLVANIA
COLORADO MINNESOTA Sandy Musser OHIO
Joyce ViIIanueva Robin Lee Ryant Box 156 Carol Colon
P.O. Box 22904 Star Rt. 2, Box 233 Oaklyn, NJ 08107 P.O. Box 424
Denver, CO 80222 Hibbing, MN 55746 Perrysburg, OH 43551
CONNECTICUT NEVADA WISCONSIN OHIO
Donna Mocarsky Cheryl E. Kirker Joan Arnette Martha McCann
Box 526
Rocky Hi l I, CT 06067
320 Vandalia Street
Las Vegas, NV 89106 R.1
Cameron, Wl 54822
148 E. Hillcrest Ave.
Dayton, OH 45405
FLORIDA NEW HAMPSHIRE WISCONSIN PENNSYLVANIA
Brenda Rodriguez Susan Dagget Mimi Notestein Vickie Heid
455 Branan Field Rd. P.O. Box 64 2977 N. Bartlett #36 2396 Highland Ave.
Middleburg, FL 32068 Merrimack, NH 03054 Milwaukee, WI 5321 1 Allison Park, PA 15101
GEORGIA NEW YORK TEXAS
Joann Howard Susan Fuller Kathy Sawyer
3374 Aztec Rd., Apt. 35C 102 North St. Box 1527
Doraville, Ga 30340 Manlius, NY 13104 Plano, TX 75075
IDAHO NEW YORK TEXAS
Carol Bungi Janet Scarpati Janice Hargus
Box 5202 25 Nagle Ave. Box 42587
Boise, ID 83705 New York, NY 10040 Houston, TX 77042
ILLINOIS NEW YORK WASHINGTON, D.C.IMDIV
Gail Smith Eileen Sammarone Carol Jean Setola
1504 Harrington Dr. 2 Stemmer Lane 12709 Prospect Knolls
Champaign, lL 61820 Suffern, NY 10901 Bowie, MD 20715
MEMBERS: If you live within 100 miles of a Branch, do send it your dues; tlley use half to mcet area needs. Others, send to I-I

NON-PROFIT ORG.
U.S.POSTAGE
PAID
DAVENPORT, IOWA
PERMIT NO, 3001
VM l0/82
Mary Jo Rf llera
P.O. Box 5218
Huntington Beach, CA 92646

Dear friends,
Recently I spent a long weekend in Boston and New York. At Harvard University's School of Public Health, Ass. Professor Eva Deykin, Board
Member Trish Patti and I reviewed the latest computer print-out on CUB'S research on birthparenthood. Significant were some issues that the
computer deemed insignificant. For example, we now have information which shows that parents who don't see their children at birth search at
the same rate as those who do see them. The time between birth andsurrenderis also not a factor in search: those who surrender before one week
search as much as those who surrender four or more weeks later. More search issues were analyzed, too. Still other areas explored were
birthparenthood's impact on marriage and parenting; the CUB member vs the nonmember; the long-term effects of surrendering through an
agency, lawyer, doctor, or self; and plenty of additional fodder to nudge the social consciousness. We're going back once more to the computer
and then we'll draw up our long awaited paper and publish it.
Hospitably based at B.J. Lifton's New York apartment, I was involved in quite different endeavors. An interview with the director of a
foundation ended on an encouraging note. They appeared to understand the trauma of adoption abuse and agreed with the need to reach pregnant
women before they, unaware, seek help at an agency that also facilitates adoptions, which can quite naturally create a conflict of interest in the.
agency worker. Although money to enable CUB to reach pregnant women may not materialize through this particular source, I was gratified to see
it is possible to generate understanding about adoption abuse.
A meeting later that day with our attorney Harold Cassidy and Florence Fisher, other ALMA people and their lawyers clarified one area of
agreement: we are all equally concerned about laws and policies that fail to support the birth family and, instead, tend to promote separation by
adoption. .. .*
B.J. and Penny Partridge, AAC President, joined me for other highlights of the weekend. We met with lawyers about establishing a national
network of legal help and we met with the New York President of NOW, Denise Fuge, for a consultation on organizational development. These
meetings confirmed my belief that ours is an issue that merits "outsiders"' consideration and endorsement. Bottom line of things, to me, is that
ours is a choice issue: to choose to meet, to know, to relate with, or be rejected by, ... whomever, in the same manner as do others whose lives have
not been fated by adoption.
Abuses in Georgia have recently been revealed. A divorced white mother lost to her ex-mother-in-law the custody of and visiting rights to, her .
young son (in the initial proceedings, without motice and hearing) after the mother gave birth to a black child. The judge dismissed her pained '
protests b declaring the community was unready "for that kind of integration". In another case, a CUB member seeking information on her
child's we I' I-being uncovered an almost unspeakable injustice (see February Communicator and update this issue). CUB is exploring ways to help
these mothers.
The first quarter of the new year hasn't yet ended and it has already carved a variety of paths for us to follow.
Do you get tired of hearing me say we need your support to embark on these adventures? Don't doze off yeti Please look first at the 1981
Financial Report in this issue. We spent more than we took in, and we need to spend more this year. Our leaders are overworked and grossly
underpaid. We need more involvement from others. We're desperate for others' financial commitments.
Do you share your newsletter with others? Don't. Ask them to please subscribe. Do you support United Way or other charity? Consider us
instead. Did you know CUB could be named in your will or as an insurance beneficiary? An extra $5, $10, or more now and then would really help.
We urgently need three electric typewriters: can you help there? Your energy, willingness to learn would be an enormous contribution. Which
CUB service appeals most to you? Contact the leader. Your nearest branch or representative would really welcome your call, too. Pick your way to
support our work, but please do try to share the burden. Thank you.
Special love,
P.S. Have you made your reservations for the annual conferenceJune 3-6 in San Antonio? We're reserving fun and hugs for you. For more,
information, contact: Kathy Silbur, Chairperson, 1982 AAC Conference Planning Committee, Lutheran Social Service of Texas, Inc., San Antonio,:
TX.. 78202 . . .. - -
Vendor
Compugraphic, Inc.
Wilmington, MA.
C.E.T.A.
C.E.T.A.
C.E.T.A.
C.E.T.A.
Voc. Ed. Sub. Part IV
NH Disvantaged Funds
Kemko Office Prod.
Portsmouth, N.H.
Dover Sec. Svs.
Dover, N.H.
Charles H. Varney
Ins. Co.,
Rochester, N.H.
'Salesman from
Pitney Bowes
Gifts end Grants, 198d
Typesetter & Processor ............................. $4,225.00
Office/Teaching Supplies for B.E.T. on Young Parents' ...1,7%.93
B. E.T. on Y.P. students' allowances ...................7,495.62
B.E.T. on Y .P. supervisor's salary .....................5,078.75
B.E.T. on Youth students' allowances
in affiliation with Dover Adult Learning Center ..........1,665.00
B.E.T. on Youth Supervisor's salary
in affiliation with Dover Adult Learning Center ..........1,360.00
Typewriter. ..........................................200.00
Mimeograph machine ................................,300.00
Typewriter.. ........................................100.00
......................................
AddingMachine 100.00
................................
.........................................
Funds for postage scale .%.00
TOTAL 22,417.30
'included in "Donations", Fin. Report, above .

8
Receipts
Memberships .....................................
$14982.80
Renewals .......................................... ,6345.50
Branch Mbr - HQ Share ............................... 1183.50
Branch Renl . HQ Share. .............................. 1734.00
Bacl issues -Nsltr ..................................... 192.50
Brochures.. .................;........................
156.75
Understanding the BParent ............................. .763.00
BParent Perspective.. ................................. 247.25
........................................
Donations.. :2946.09
Reunion Registry ..................................... 1618.00
Bank Interest ........................................ .392.86
...................................
'
Development Fund 3922.00 .
Miscellaneous ........................................ .145.63
Received for ParkFund ................................ 18b-15 .
Total Receipts ...................................... 34816.03
.................................
...........................................
.....................................
.............................
Fund Balance 1/1/81 5417.89
Receipts 34816.03
-W233,92
Disbursements 36799.94
Fund,Balance 12/31/81 .-.3433.98 :
. .
. ,
Dlsbursements
.
L.
.. a
Development Fund Purchases ......................... $2230.69
, .......................................
. . .
13797.46
Office Printinj upplies ............. . ;.....*..................
,1537.14
Posta
a
e ............................................ .5926.12
Telep one ......................................... ,3924.61
Officers' Comp. .....,...............................,3225.00,
Office Equipment ................................... .1519.32.
O.E. Repair/Maintenance ............................1121.38
Travel .................. . ......................; 593.87
Educational Material .................................. .200.29
Office Rent . Dover .................................. .1200.00
Utilities - Dover.. ...................*;...............,247.03
Insurance ............................................ 243.07
UNH Computer Time ................................. .237.34
Executive Conferences. ...............................,122.09 -
AAC Membership/Contribution ........................125.00
Bank Fees .......................................... ;.47.W
Rec'd for Pare Fund/forwarded .....................:...186.15
Check rec'd & bounced, ................................,256.50
Miscellaneous ........................................ - .59.83
Total Disbursements ................; ...............36799'.94
. .
president's Comments...................... 1
1981 Financial Information ............ 1 & 2
One Year After Reunion... ................. 3
Sterilized Birthmother Sues............... 4
Cruel Brainwash or Spritual Bloodwash ..... 4
Black Market in Asian Children for Sale ... 5
And, Finally, a Positive Clipping ......... 5
Pen Pal Requests .......................... 6
Letter from God in A. P. Newsletter....... 6
Cindy Goes Home At Last, But After How
Much Damage? ........................... 7
IN THIS ISSUE,, ,
Reunion .................................. 7
........................
Helpful Testimony 8
CUB Coordinator Reunited With Son...,.... 9
New Search Aid Available.... ............ 10
................. Take Me--Take My Family 10
Adoption-Related Poetry Wanted.. ........ 11
The ~ditor's Corner.... ................. 11
Hope & Happiness ........................ 13
AAC Conference in San Antonio, June '82.13
Mutual Helpfulness ...................... 13
~onating/~iterature ..................... 14
MPORTANT NOTE ABOUT RENEWALS: In order to make sure you don't miss any Communicators, please renew two
mnthsbefore the expiration date on your mailing label. If renewing through a branch, renew three months earlier. .
MOVING? Send us your new address six weeks ahead of time, if you can. Bulk-mail does not get forwarded.
I
MSS 4N - ISSUE? Send $1.00 for each missed issue. We'll send it out first class.
Please remember that although renewals, address changes, and back issues are handled by
Headquarters, subaissionr for the Communicator should be sent to Carole Anderson, Editor,
at her address (front cover). If you would like to send a letter or article you wrote, a
news clip, or dipen pal request, please be sure to tell Carole whether or not you would
like your full name and address listed. If you do not specify, your first name and state
will be used. Include the name and address of the publication for any news clips, along
with the date published. Thank you!

ONE YEAR AFTER REUNION
I found my daughter in July 1980, a few weeks before
her 18th birthday, and contacted her by letter around
the time of her birthday. Eleven days later I called
her and had the most wonderfully magical feeling during
that first conversation: I was actually talking
with my much longed-for child whom I had believed I
would never see again. It seemed like a dream.
There were a lot of good, warm feelings that came
out of that conversation. One of the first things
Joanna said to me was, "I always thought I'd be the
one who searched for you." She told me she always
thought about me on her birthdays because she knew I
would be thinking of her then too and we could "connect."
She seemed to have memorized what little she
had been told about me, some of it incorrect and
most of it from a brief agency report she had seen
.
when she was 14. She had many questions, and it
felt so good to be answering them for her.
But as we talked, she told me, quite matter of
factly, some things which were very upsetting to me.
Her adoptive home had not been stable or secure.
Her adoptive father had had very serious problems,
and there had been numerous separations between the
adoptive parents.
Joanna had always felt far clos-
er to her adoptive father than to her adoptive
mother ("I think my father was the one who wanted
to adopt a girl.. . . ") , so it had been devastating
for her when he died, suddenly and tragically, when
she was only 11. She had been in counseling, off
and on, since she was 12 and was currently seeing a
counselor.
She told of a very stormy relationship with her adoptive
mother and an indifferent at best relationship
with her only adoptive sibling, a brother two
years older. She seemed to resent her adoptive
mother's second husband, a former neighbor who had
intervened on her adoptive mother's behalf during
the stormy days of her parents' marriage.
During her teen years Joanna apparently had been
over indulged materially, but neglected in terms of
any sort of consistent rules and discipline. Her
high school attendance and grades had not been good.
I had had glowing reports about this adoptive couple
from the agency, and it was shattering tci hear that
my daughter's life with them had not been what I
hoped it would be.
During that fall I wrote to Joanna several times.
She replied a couple of times but mostly communicated
- by phone. I wanted to see her as soon as possible,
and although the thought of coming to see me was a
little scary for her, she wanted to see me too. We
decided that right after Christmas, during her col-
-
lege break, would be the best time for her to travel
from California to Iowa to spend some time with me
and my fadly ., I worried that Joanna would not go
through with the visit because I knew her adoptive
mother was very negative about me. She never answered
the letter I sent her at the same time I sent
my first one to Joanna, and I knew, from Joanna,
that she didnl t want to have anything to do with me.
Fortunately, Joanna's counselor felt she should come
to meet me, and that, plus Joanna's realizing and
caring about how disappointed I would be if she
didn ' t come, got her here.
My first glimpse of Joanna was of a tall, pretty
girl with long blonde hair, looking down at the
ground as she got off a bus in Omha (she had
started off by train, but failed to make it back to
the train in time during a brief layover in Wyoming).
I hugged her, but there was no real responae from
her. As we were driving back to Des Moi nes with a
%
friend of mine, one of the first things Joanna said
to me, in a semi-teasing manner, was, "I've had a
complete blood transfusion."
I was taken aback,
but managed to reply, "Well, your skin and bones
are still from me. " There were many more denials
of our relati onship during her ni ne day visit .
My husband welcomed Joanna warmly, as did our eight
children (two by birth and six adopted from Korea
and Vietnam) , ages 6 to 15. Later Joanna' s birthfather,
his wife and two young daughters (ages 3
and 9 months) came from Chicago to spend two days
with us, and that went well too, all things considered.
It was wonderful having Joanna with me, but also very
difficult and trying. While there were some really
special times with her, she tried very hard to keep
her distance from me. I felt at times that she was
bombarding me with negative and intenti onally hurt-
ful remarks, all in indirect ways. When I would try
to get her to discuss how she was feeling, she would
deny having any negative feelings toward me, any
resentment or anger about being surrendered for adoption.
She told me every horrible thing that had
happened in her life and, observing my values and
rules for my other children, let me know all the
things she had done. Then she insisted she wouldn't
have wanted to have had any other parents than those
who had adopted her. She often acted bored and would
retreat to the upstairs room she was sharing with my
other daughters. I wondered why she bad come--just
to have a look at me and then that would be that?
I had to look for clues as to how she really felt.
I had to sift through all her actions and words and
try to find the deeper meanings in them. I noticed
that even though she sometimes would ignore me most
of the day and act like she didn't want to be around
me, she would stay up after the other kids had gone
to bed, positi oning herself somewhere near me. Several
times we talked well into the night, and even
though Joanna sti 11 tried to maintain her defenses,
they were good talks which helped me get to know her
better. Still it wasn't clear whether or not she
intended to continue to keep in touch with me after
she returned to California. Then shortly before she
left, she asked me to write down all of our birthdays
for her. Another clue.
Joanna showed no emotion when we said good-by at the
train station, but talked about how anxious she was
to be back in California, and flirted with a boy she
met in the station and hoped to sit by on the train.
I hugged and kissed her goodby and watched the train
leave with tears streaming down my face. It was awful
to see her go away again. Yet it was also something
of a relief to have the reunion be over. Her
visit had been very emotionally trying, for both of
us.
And now a year has passed and what has become of the
adoptee who refused to acknowledge her birthmother
is a mother of hersand the birthmother who wanted to
take this lost chick under her wing with all her
others, if not physically at least emotionally?
Joanna is still denying and I'm still looking for
clues .
I write to her several times a month. She has written
to me only four or five times all year, although
she writes to her half-sister Cathy (15) fairly frequently.
fier letters to Cathy are signed, "Love,
Joanna 1 mine are simply signed with her name, no
love.
She does call me collect about once a month, and usu-

ally our conversations are long and good. But she
wants to pretend I'm just a friend of hers and if
we get into a discussion of who we really are--a
mother and a daughter--she becomes annoyed. I try
to avoid this discussion, but sometimes itls unavoidable.
Just the other day she said to me petulantly,
"You just want to be my other mother."
"That's because I am, Joanna," I matter of factly
replied. Another tlme she responded to my statement
that I am a mother of hers with, "I don't
think of a mother that way ." There seem to be so
much anger deep inside of her. I wish she could
express it so we could try to deal with it together.
But admitting she is angry would also be admitting
that she cares, so she goes on denying.
I had hoped she would come to see us while we were
visiting my parents in Albuquerque last August.
She nearly did and even had a plane reservation,
but in the end she didn't come because it was "too
much of a hassle." I know she was apprehensive
about meeting her grandparents, perhaps in part
because she knows the large role they played in
bringing about her surrender. I also know she continues
to get a lot of static from her adoptive
mother, who apparently is resigned to Joanna's continuing
to have some contact with me ("that woman")
but will not tolerate another vlsl t .
I try to look at my re-entry into her life from
Joanna's point of view. I know that she hasn't
been raised in the honest and open way my adopted
children are being raised and that it's hard for her
to come to terms with the realities of her life. I
realize she has had a troubled childhood and adolescence
and that she still has some growing up to do.
I try to believe she doesn't purposely try to hurt
me, although it often seems that way. She can be so
cold and detached, so incessantly denying of what our
true relationship to each other is, that it often
seems she doesn't care whether I care about her or
not. But then she gives me another clue when she
complains because I haven't been writing to her
weekly lately. When I say I haven' t wanted to
overdo, she gives me "permission" to wri te once a
week.
Sometimes I feel like a crumb-taker , always wai ting
for any caring gesture from Joanna. I say to myself ,
"I'm just not going to give anymore until she starts
giving something back." But she is my daughter and
I love her, so I know I will go on giving and showing
I care. She is a child of mine; that's what this is
all about.
I hope someday we can flnd a middle place in our re-
\ lationship where we can both feel comfortable. Joanna
and I are very different people. Her values and
interests are so opposite from mine that, as my closest
friend says, she might as well have grown up on
the moon. Just as she's not exactly the daughter I
imagined her to be, I don1 t suppose^ I'm exactly the
"bornerW (one of her terms) she hoped to flnd someday
I guess that's what this year after reunion has been
all about for me--coming to terms with who we are
and who we aren't; trying to deal with the realities
of our lives, past and present; laying to rest any
lingering fantasies. I sometimes get into wishful
thinking, wanting mare than Joanna seems willing or
able to give at this time. But then I remember what
matters nwst: we continue to be in touch; I am able
to show her my caring; and I know that, in spite of
her denials and aloofness, JoaMa cares too.
Patrlcia Palmer, IA
STERI LI ZED B I RTHMOTHER SUES
THANKS TO CAROL COLON, CUB COORDINATOR IN
NORTHWEST OHIO FOR SENDING THIS
When she was 13 years old, Judith was raped by her
stepfather, resulting in a pregnancy. It was 1948
and Judith was sent to a Florence Crittenton home
to give birth to her child. On July 9, 1948, she
gave birth to her eon, whom shenamed Frank Joseph
after two uncles. Six days later, she and her
son were eent to the Clifton Home for Girls, where
Judith slept in the nursery at night to help care
for her son and 3 other babies. She began working
st 6:30 a.m. each morning in the kitchen. Ten
months later, she wae forced to say goodbye to her
eon, whom she would not see for another 30 yeare.
Judith was sent to the Lynchburg Training School
and Hospital, where she was involuntarily sterilized
on December 28, 1949. At the time Judith
was placed at the Training School, young women
eent to the school were all forced to undergo
sterilization. About 4,000 people were sterilized
there, from the 1920's to the 1970'~. Judith was
told by the other girls that she would have to have
an operation before she could leave. She asked
what kind of operation, because she knew she waen't
sick, She was told she would have to have her appendix
out. They said everyone had to have their
appendix out before they could leave. Lees than
a month after her "appendectomy" Judith was eent
to live with an aunt and uncl-e.
~udith said that memories of her child remained,
and "I don't guess a day or night passed that I
didn't think about him." She wrote to the welfare
department seeking information, but was told he
had been adopted. Welfare officials told her "it
was better for me to forget about him." She
couldn't. Finally, in 1978, an uncle called to
tell her that someone named Frank Joseph was
looking for her. ''I thought it couldn't be. t I But
it was. They were reunited, and Judith met her
son's wife and her two granddaughters for the
first time.
~udith is one of four plaintiffs in a suit brought
against the state of Virginia by the American Civil
Liberties Union. The suit seeks notification
and medical assistance for all those sterilized
by the state without their knowledge or consent.
CRUEL BRA1 NWASH OR SP I RITUAL BLOODWASH?
JUAN ~ T A CURR IE, ALABAMA, SENT A N E W ~
CLIPPING ABOUT A HATTIESBURGJ MISSISSIPPI
~ ~ ~ E ~
MATERN I TY HOME
Morris Dees, an attorney for the Southern Poverty
Law Center, said a 19-year-old woman identified
as Candy H. was freed from the Bethesda Home for
II
Girls in a virtual rescue operation." He said
the woman had been held against her will, denied
proper medical care, denied free contact with the
outside world, and was being "brainwashed."
Eric Lowery, a Hattiesburg attorney, said that he
entered the home last year and found "everyone
inside was incarcerated." Doors were locked behind
him.
A private investigator, Tom Litaker, who served
papers for a federal court, said that when he entered
the home with Dees "you just wanted to get

on a table and tell all the girls, 'You can go if you
want to. You don't have to stay here. I I'
Candy's mother accompanied Dees and a sheriff's
deputy to the home after Candy had been at the home
three weeks. She reported that Candy hardly knew her
mother at firet, but broke down in grateful tears and
returned home, Dees said she had been "virtually
imprisoned for the three weeks." The residents (or
inmates) of the home were described as all looking
the same. "They all had a blank look on their faces"
and ''looked like a bunch of drones, They looked
drugged. "
'I
Bob Wills, who runs the home, said, It was very unwise
and careless to attack us. They're really going
to be sorry." He said the girls and young women are
required to listen to evangelistic tape recordings
and counseling. "It's a washing but it's a bloodwashing
and heartwashing" because the facility is "a
Christian home for girls in trouble." He said,
"When she comes, our only source of help is telling
them (sic) Jesus died for them and if they'll put
their complete trust in Him, He'll give them complete
purpose in their lives. 'I
He said that girls are not held against their will
"unless they're under court order or under age. I I
Dees has filed a civil complaint against the home.
He said that when he, Litaker, and a deputy sheriff
arrived to free Candy, there were about 70 girls
and young women locked in a single room.
BLACK MARKET IN ASIAN CHILDREN FOR SALE
An article about British physician Jack Preger was
concerned with the scandal of selling children in
India and Bangladesh, The five-page magazine article
described Dr. Preger's decade of service to the
destitute in the slums of Bangladesh and Calcutta,
Dr. Preger said that even the hellish conditions he
found in Calcutta could not have prepared him for
the degradation and corruption he found in Bangladesh.
He volunteered in Dacca from 1972 until 1979,
visiting refugee detention centers that he said
were so brutal he could only compare them to
Auschwitz and Buchenwald. In 1977, he said, he
uncovered a kidnapping ring that supplies children
for illegal adoption, prostitution, mutilation and
murder. As a result of his protests, reports are
being compiled by the British Anti-Slavery Society
for distrubution to the United Nations Economic and
Social Council and the U.N. Commission on Human
Right 8 .
The scandal involves hundreds of thousands of children
from all over the Third World, and certa inly
from Bangladesh.
Children were obtained by snatching them off the
streets, taking them away from their parents with
the promise that they were being temporarily sent
to boarding echools to obtain an education, or
taking them from refugee camps deepite their parents'
proteste. Some of the children are taken out of thc
country to be sold by adoption agencies as voluntary
placements. Some of the children are sold to beggars'
syndicates and mutilated to increase their
earning potential as beggars. Some children are
sold to brothels or used in pornographic films.
A few are used in "snuff" films, in which teenage
girls are actually put to death before the cameras.
Dr. Preger said that at first he could not bring
himself to believe what he heard about children being
taken from their families to be sold like slaves.
But newspaper ads placed by desperate parents whose
children had disappeared from the streets of Dacca
were a common occurrence. Parents started coming to
his clinic to ask for help. He discovered that some
parents had trustingly put their thumbprints bn papers
they were told would enroll their child in
school, but were instead adoption releases.
Preger obtained the names of 35 children for whom
airline tickets to Holland had been purchased by
Moslem Ali Khan, director of both a Dutch relief
agency and a Dutch adoption agency. He presented
his evidence to Dutch authorities but they could
account for only six of the 35 children. The KLM
airline refused to allow him to look at flight manifests,
explaining that they could not be certain
fraud was involved in the "adoptions. II
Khan's partners were Alan Cheyne, head of the agency
and head of the Underprivileged Children's Educational
Program, and Dr. Mizanur Rahman Shelley, head
of the Bangladesh Directorate of Social Welfare, the
agency in charge of all legal adoption papers.
Their positions allowed the three to round up the
victims, iosue visas, and handle. the paperwork. As
Preger's protests grew louder, he was deported and
the government set up a team to investigate his
charges. Dr. Shelley, one of the three principals,
headed the investigative team, which allowed Khan to
interrogate witnesses.
Mothers told People that before the inquiry, parents
were threatened or beaten and warned to recant their
previous testimony.
A nurse who had worked for Cheyne's agency and later
for Dr. Preger, said that "It is very easy to do
illegal adoptions here because nobody can really
check if the children have parents. You can take
any woman into a magistrate's office to say that she
is the mother of a child, and the child will be
signed away. Or you can take a child and say you
found him abandoned somewhere. In that case you are
required to put an ad in the paper asking someone to
claim him. But nobody knows how to read or write,
and nobody buys the paper. So the child is not
claimed. I'
Although he has been in Calcutta since his expulsion
from Bangladesh in 1979, Dr. Preger said, "In Bangladesh
I told the parents I would do everything I could
to find their children." He keeps trying because "I
can't say now that it has simply become inconvenient
to help them. Thousands of people die, and lots of
families continue to lose their children, and these
rackets go on and on. It has to break somewhere. I I
The children who were adopted were sent to Western
nations, including America.
AND,
FINALLY, A POSITIVE CLIPPING
ALISON WARD, NJ CUB AND ORIGINS MEMBER, WROTE
AN ARTICLE THAT APPEARE
I
IN THE NEW YORK
TIMES SUNDAY, FEBRUARY I, IN THE NEW JERSEY
EDITION, THE ARTICLE EXPLAINED WHY ADOPTION
LAWS ARE SO BADLY IN NEED OF REFORM, AND WHY
MOTHERS SEARCH FOR THEIR CHILDREN, LETTERS
OF SUPPORT FOR THE TIMES FOR PRINTING THIS
POSITIVE APPROACH ARE IMPORJANT'

PEN PAL REQUESTS
Larry Storey, Hanau Elementary School, A.P.0, N.Y.
09165. I was born in Toronto, Canada Jan. 6, '49.
Bernadette Black, Box 17F, Grahamsville, NY 12740. My birthmother surrendered me to a Catholic orphan-
I would like a pen pal who might have used the Catho- age in Toronto for adoption. I was adopted at the
lic Home Bureau and war in the Guild of the Infant age of 3k. I would appreciate anyone who could help
Savior Unwed Mother's Home in N.Y. City. My daughter me in my search for my birthparents.
Tereea Marie was born at St. Claire's Hospital in patti Van Wagner, 8 Curt Blvd., Saratoga Springs, NY
Manhattan on 9/29/67. She was eurrendered to Catho- 12866. I am looking for information on my birthlic
Charities of New York. I am trying to search mother, She gave birth to me at Albany Hoepital
for her and need help. (now Albany Medical center) in Albany NY on June 29
Margaret L. Johnston, 20 Knollridge Rd., Apt. 601, or June 30, '53. My birthname is Cherie (or Sherie)
Salem, VA 24153, Mother who surrendered through the Weatherwax. I was placed for adoption from St.
Cradle, Evanston, needs help in searching for my Margaret's Home/Hoepital in Albany at age 2k .:?ter
adult son. Would like to hear from adult adoptees having been there 6 months to a year. If yell h:~ve
on their feeling8 about reunion and from anyone in any information or can help me search, pleas:L c.antact
Chicago area who can help with search or suggestione. me.
Mary Frederick Haes, 3801 Thornwood Circle, West Dee Marian Hollingsworth, P.O. Box 12, Shelby, MS 38774,
Moinee, Iowa. I am a 32 year old birthmother who I would like to hear from anyone wh.. .:ras at the King's
would like to correspond with another birthmother who ~aughter's Maternity Home in ~atch&?':..iiq:' especially
I .A*
stayed at the Catholic Infant Home in St. Paul, MH. in 1954.
-9 .
I was there from 4/65 to 8/65. I would also like to Suaan Saylor, 2755 Rice St., U617, St. Paul, MN 55113.
hear from a birthmother who had luck in finding her I would like to hear from anyone who resided at Boothsurrendered
child in Iowa.
Brown House for unwed mothers in St. Paul during the
Niki French, 10225 Bissonnet, U1151, Houston, TX month of September, 1958. I was born there on 9/21/58
77036, I would like to hear from Deniee in Ill. who and given the birthname of Jo Lynn. I promise any infound
her minor child in Arizona, or from anyone who formation will be kept in confidence.
can help me search for my Bon, who wae surrendered
in Tucson. Pleaee write.
LETTER FROM "GOD" APPEARS IN ADOPTIVE PARENT
Polly Miller Schroeder, 213A East Exchange, Jerseyville,
IL 62052. I would like to hear from anyone
who might have any information about my daughter,
born Tiffany Rene Miller on Wednesday, Jan. 18, '78
at 2:09 p.m. in Methodiet Hospital, Peoria, IL.
She was eurrendered through Children and Family
Services in Marion, IL. I would also like to hear
from anyone who was in the Flo Crit home in Peoria,
especially from November 1977 to January 1978.
Irene Jackson, 432 Highland Dr., Moorestown, NJ
08057. Birthmother wishes to contact son, age 23,
who wae born Aug. 10, '58, at Crouse-Irving Hospital
in Syracuse, NY, adopted in Maryland, and believed
to be living in/near Boca Raton, FL now as an artist.
Pleare contact me. Adoptive parents both about 50
years old, water-skiers, Protestant faith. If you
fit this description or know someone who does, or
if you can help, please write.
Alice George, 3720 Lumberdale F-17, Houston, TX
, 77092. I have run into dead ende in my search for
my daughter and would appreciate any help.
I
t
t
Lucille Brown, 1518 N. Hancock, Odessa, TX 79761.
(915) 332-6053. Birthmother who surrendered in
1974 through the State Welfare Department would
like to correspond with anyone, particularly someone
in Texas, ED. NOTE: Lucille's story is in
January, 1982, newsletter.
NEWSLETTER
THE FOLLOWItjG ARTICLE IS REPRINTED FRaM THE
NEWSLETTER ' ONTACT : ADOPTIVE
P'O. BOX 9281, RAPID CITY) SD 59788TS I ~ A L
I cs
ARE MINE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO WRITE TO THEM
TO LET THEM KNOb' ANOTHER PO I NT OF V I EW ,
Tonight in the--%$s~.ce column of the newspaper was a
letter from Lisa, s p-2egnant fourteen year old girl.
Her question centei~i around whether she should keep
her baby or give it up for adoption. The sixteenyear-old
father said he loved her and would marry her
after high school--two years away. Lisa's letter impressed
me deeply.
Lisa says a lot about herself when she asks if she
should keep the baby or give it up for adoption. The
easier solution is not even an alternative in her
mind. To wipe her slate clean by the readily accessible
abortion is not even mentioned. Obviously, to
Lisa, a human life is more valuable than her reputation
and whatever else she will have to temporarily
sacrifice in bringing that new life into the world.
Did you ever wonder what it would be like if we had
a "Dear God" column? Maybe God's answer to Lisa
would go something like this:
Dear Lisa,
You cannot escape the anguish of the next few
months
Patricia E. Manning, 117 Forest Avenue, Springville,
as you work your way through this situation.
There will be days when you will feel truly alone.
NY 14141. Someone from Syracuse, MI area.
You must believe with all your . heart that I am with
Ineke Rubsamen, 63 Ubbergseveldweg, 6522 HC Nymegen, you. I cannot make it easy, but I can be there.
Holland. A birthmother who surrendered her son in
I love you for not wiping out the precious life that
January, 1979, in El Paso, TX, is considering moving
depends now on you alone. My strength must become
from Holland to El Paso, where her son and hie adopyours.
I will be there when you tell your parents,
tive parents live, hoping to improve contact with
when you want to be alone, when you feel like hiding,
them. Interested in corresponding with other birth- when you seek my loving forgiveness. Come to me almothers
now living in El Paso.
ways in your - solitude.
Carol Sttola, 12709 Prospect Knolls Dr., Bowie, MD
In me you will find when ttYou
20715. 1 would like to hear from anyone who was at
Florence Crittendon Home in Washington, D.C. the .
rummer of 1962. Anita C. please call me, I found
him l
even know love is.^^ In me you can bury
your fears when you visit the doctor and read all
those pamphlets on childbirth. 1 will love and
accept you even when your best friend's parents for-

id you from seeing their daughter or when your
clarmuter stare at you on the street.
I will help you to laugh and regain your self-esteem.
I will guide you through the difficult passage from
teenager or teenage mother.
DO not be afraid to give your baby up for adoption.
You are yet so young, You will find consolation in
knowing there is a loving couple just waiting to
give themselves and their future to your child.
But, Lisa, no matter what your decision, remember
you are my child. You are an important part of my
creation. Never have I, never will I forget you.
Your life makes a difference--to your baby, to your
family, to everyone. You are precious to me. And
you are still fourteen--a fascinating and wonderful
stage of life. You will survive the coming year and
rediscover the fun of your youth. Grow through your
situation but don't stop being you. Giggle, get
silly, act your age--the sobering responsibilities
of motherhood need not devastate you. More years of
joy await you.
Lisa, you will nourish your child and place his life
in caring and loving hands. Then you must get on
with your life as I have planned it for you. Never
try to block the memory of your child from your
mlnd. Remember him gently and with love. You will
always know you did your best to see that he was
loved and wanted.
Someday, Lisa, you will know the peace and joy of a
loving marriage. The children you are yet to bear
will fill your loving. But for now, remember that I
love you, I love the child you carry, and I will
never forsake either of you.
I If
I THINK "GOD s
Love, God
LETTER ENCOURAGING THE SEP-
ARATION OF A FAMILY AND TELLING THE MOTHER
THAT OTHER CHILDREN WILL FILL THE VOID OF
dy had not been represented by an attorney, her right
to due process had been violated. Miami attorney
Theodore Klein was appointed her guardian. P8ychologists
indicated that Cindy's mother would be a good
parent, but others said that the Johnses ahould be
permitted to keep Cindy because a bond had formed between
them in the years they had kept her from her
mother. Klein concluded that Cindy should be raised
by the Johnses because of better educational opportunities
in this country. His critics insisted that he
was supporting a cultural bias and that U.S. courts
had no right to rule on the custody of a child who
was in this country illegally. Others said it was an
injustice that the Johnses were being rewarded for
having disobeyed the law for a long enough time to
strengthen their argument about an emotional bond.
Cindy was placed in a "neutral" foster home for 18
months while her mother and stepfather and the Johnses
prepared for another INS hearing. Ms. Macias-Rosales'
attorney, Elizabeth Baker, reported that when Cindy's
mother flew to Miami for a visit with Cindy, "It was
a very emotional reunion. Cindy read to her and
showed off her dolls." They later went out for a
walk and did not return. Baker said that Cindy was in
I I
a nice quiet place'' with her younger brother and
sister and her mother and stepfather in Mexico. Klein
said, "It is an irony that it ended with a kidnap,the
I'
same way it started. Mark Johns was quoted as saying
"I'll take Eileen and go and move in right next door,
I guarantee you." What a tragedy that this childhas
been forced to go through wrenching separations,
changes in culture and language, and years of ernotiona1
strife because a couple thought they were entitled
to take a child from her family and country despite
any law, and the enforcement of those laws was bent in
their favor on the assumption that America, if not
adoption, was best for the child, even if the child
was not American and not brought to America legally.
Hopefully, being reunited with her family at last will
heal Cindy's wounds.
LOSING HER CHIbD QUALIFIES ............................................
ARWGH
THIS MONTH S
AWARD, IT WAS BAD
ENOUGH TO HAVE ANN LANDERS
LYING TO YOUNG MOTHERS ABOUT
WHAT ADOPTION IS LIKE, BUT
TO TELL PEOPLE THAT liPP.
WANTS THEM TO SURRENDERIIll,
CINDY GOES HOME AT LAST,
MUCH DAMAGE?
BUT AFTER HOW
In 1975, a little girl was born in Mexico. The
following day, an American couple, Mark Johns and
Eileen Johns, carried her away to their home in
California. They claimed they adopted her. The
child's mother, Angela Macias-Rosales, said she
was kidnapped and swore out a complaint to a Mexican
judge, who issued a warrant for Mark Johns on
a charge of kidnapping.
American authorities, though, showed little concern
for the plight of the Mexican child who was illegally
separated from her mother, and it took American imigration
officials three years before they ruled that
there had not been a legal adoption and the little
girl, whom the Johnses named Cindy, should be returned
to her mother. The Johnses, however, left
California and moved to Florida to avoid complying
with the law and returning the child to her mother.
The legal battles continued. In 1980 the U.S. Court
of Appeals for the Fifth Circult held that since Cin-
REUN I ON
What a great day--the sun was shining and my knees
were shaking and my tummy doing flip-flops.
MY apprehension was all over the minute I saw her
walk down the corridor of the hospital - where she
works. The most happy-friendly person anyone could
ever meet--our 26 year old daughter.
I married her father as soon as we were both of legal
age and we have two boys, ages 24 and 22. Our oldest
boy met us in Colorado and we had three perfect days
together. I met her adoptive parents and had a wonderful
evening with them.
After coming home and back to our own routine, I felt
so let down that we did not hear from our daughter,
even though we sent copies of the pictures that we
had taken together and short notes. We felt that
maybe she had had second thoughts about us or maybe
her adoptive parents had disapproved. My husband and
I told ourselves that at least our prayers had been
answered--we had found our daughter, we found out
that her adoptive famil y were great people, we- found
her well and very happy. What more could we ask?
Then the best holiday greetings came--a note from
our daughter. What a great way to end 1981 and to
look forward to 1982, with hope that my husband and
our younger son can have the pleasure of meeting her
too in the near future.
Thanks to CUB for giving me the courage and all the
wonderful letters in the Connnunicator for the encour-

I
agement to search. 'We will never be able to say en- Thir prenatal, biology-bared relationrhip between
ough good for CUB and for Seak 6; Search. Thanks to natural mother and child deserver to come to fruition,
everyone in Denver for all the' help. Without you for the rake of both baby and mother. The mother who
none of this would have been possible. Thanks J.V. fondler her baby clorely for hours in the dayr after
birth conferr the gift of prychological well-being.
Mrs. Lawrence Gerhardson, Box 83, Redby, MH 56670. Such babies generally thrive. They become recure and
......................................... confident. As children, they have an eary clorc way
HELPFUL TESTIMONY
THIS IS THE TESTIMONY GIVEN BY CUB MEMBER
ELIZABETH OMAND AT HOUSE JUDICIARY HEARINGS
IN PENNSYLVANIA LAST FALL, I THOUGHT THE
INFORMATION PRESENTED HERE MIGHT BE OF USE
TO OTHERS AS THEY, TOO, PURSUE LEGISLATIVE
CHANGES IN THEIR STATES, 'THANK YOU, ELIZA-
BETH, FOR SHARING THIS
I am Dr. Elizabeth Omand. My doctorate in biology
is from the University of Pennsylvania. I have
taught medical school, researched the nervous system,
and led a community support group for mental health.
I am a parent and a birthparent, a member of the
Adoption Form of Philadelphia and Concerned United
Birthparents. Today I speak as a biologist when I
say that a child's relationship with his natural
mother has a biological basis that begins before
birth. I urge you to protect this relationship from
unnecessary disruption.
Earlier testimony on infant bonding and maternal
separation was all based on observations of natural
mothers. There is reason to suspect that attachment
to a substitute mother does not procede as readily.
Today's adopted children are at psychiatric and social
risk unrelated to the time of placement. Adopted
psychiatric patients have distinct symptoms, such as
unexplained double vision. Patients who were not adopted
but experienced an early maternal separation are
often grossly impaired in their capacity for trueting
attachments. It is interesting that normal adult adoptees
often feel uneasy where trust and intimacy are
concerned. Adoptees too have lost a mother.
Two montha before birth, a fetus can respond to
strong maternal emotions by way of honnonee pasding
through the placenta. Adult psychiatric patients describe
vivid birth experiences that tally with their
records of labor and delivery, suggesting primal memories
of birth. Mother and child are already familiar
to each other by the time of birth. If she is
awake and aware when he is born she will look for him
at once, smiling openly, ecstatic in seeing for the
first time the child she has carried so lone. There
is a hushed excitement: "It's a boy,..Hets alright ...
Let me hold him." It's a powerful moment. And her
biology has prepared her for this. Besides the hormones
that support pregnancy, mammalian mothers have a
final surge of hormones just before birth and lasting
a day or two.
A healthy newborn baby, without anesthesia, will gaze
calmly around in wide-eyed wonder, in rapt attention.
That is, he will if he's had renewed contact with'his
mother's warm body right at birth. Her own skin gives
continuity to his passage from the womb.
The baby's coloring, body build and temperament were
endowed through both parents' genes. They can see
themselves in the child they have borne. Shared body
movements enhance the sympathy of parent and child.
Natural family members can really expect the child to
look like one of them, baaed on the biology of birth.
Thus, they identify and readily bond. So, do adult
adoptees search out birthparents for "someone who
looks like me," and the adopted child asks, "Who do I
look like?"
with their mothers. The contrart is marked when a
newborn is isolated from itr mother, beyond the firet
few days of life. When given her baby again, #he ir
heeitant and cautious. Motherr who were completely
isolated from their premature babiea in the hospital
are more likely to abuse them later on. An adoptive
couple also begine parenting without the biology of
this early, warm welcome, and adopted babier have
been routinely kept away from their mothers throughout
their hospital etay. Might not thir be part of
the risk in adoption?
Every child deoerves the chance for a secure start in *
life. Surely an early period of protected intimacy
with his mother will benefit an adopted child too.
For biological reasons, no one can fully substitute
for the natural mother at birth. Since the best medical
practice today supports early and close maternal
care, shouldn't the babies who will be later adopted
have had this advantage too? Might not the time
opent with his natural mother fulfill his firmt relationship
to enhance his capacity for loving others?
The problem with personal grief is in 'not having it,
in not completing a lost relationrhip, In taking a
baby no soon from his mother, as io done now in adoption,
do we not riek cutting off a Pri~f' relationrhip
before it has come to fruition? If loor of a mother
is a riek for adoptees, as it ir for other infants,.
shouldn't we try to minimize that losr?
From a paychiatric point of view, reality ir alwayr
to be preferred for a patient's mental health. Bereaved
parents are encouraged today to see their dead
child, whether otillborn, drowned, or a victim of
long illness. This confirms the death as a reality,
and grief can come and go, The grief of mothers whose
sons were missing in action in.Vietnam goeo on and on.
There is no body to view. I think women want to see
their babiea. Moot birthparents did not want to surrender;
they wanted their babiea near. Won't a
mother's grief go on and on if she hasn't even seen
the baby she bore? How can she welcome another baby
if she hasn't seen the first, doesn't know if he lived
or died?
Consent can be informed only when a person knows what
she is doing, is of sound mind and body, and free of
outside influence. The most profound way of knowing,
here, is aeeing and caring for the baby she may give
up. But she must know also the nature of adoption:
the rieks, benefits and alternatives. Thie bill
could be greatly improved, in its fine aim toward informed
consent, by use of the guidelines already ertabliehed
for medical consent. Accurate information
should be given, in writing ahead of time, to allow
the material to be absorbed and to minimize personal
in£ luence.
The same sensitivity which promotes her clore welcome
of her baby after birth renders newly-delivered mothere
susceptible to staff influence, their approval or
personal judgements. So long ar consents are taken
in the hospital there will alwayo be r question about
staff influence. No consent ohould be valid, therefore,
until 48 hours after a mother io dircharged
from the hospital and ir free of a11 pregnancy-related
drugs.
The aponsors may be commended for eetablirhing for the
first time a minimum time period before conrent may be

I
ing of the situation birthparents who have surrendered
children for adoption are in that I interviewed two
nrothers for a series on the tragedies that can befall
children.
Both women, Marcia and Carol, gave up children while
in their teens. One, who gave birth to a little girl
when she was 17, had found and met her daughter.
Carol, who was 15 when ahe gave up her son, was
searching otill.
My interview went well. I learned of the emotional
strain of giving up a child--"I never was certain what
day she was born on, and I didn't know how much she
weighed," Marcia eaid, noting it waan't until she
decided to search for her daughter that she found the
nerve to contact the attending physician and asked for
the birth information. In fact, she never had been
allowed to care for her daughter, and her only glimpse
of her baby was through the hospital nursery's window.
"I'll alwaye remember the crib wae like an orange
crate," she eaid. "Because my baby had no name and
no one to take her home," she was placed in a far corner
of the nursery.
"I felt she was shamed," Marcia said. "All the other
mothere were given new mother packages, but the nurses
came and took mine from my room. I I
Carol wan eomewhat luckier. She cared for her tiny
son two weeks before he wan placed in a foster home,
valid. However, three days ie not enough. Though
three daye is now the typical hoapital stay, a
mother's recovery ie still far from complete. Her
body, her emotions, her hormones have not yet returned
to their prenatal condition. Today's early
discharge promotes normal activity at home and thue
a more rapid recovery. It also saves considerable
money. Even after ten days of two weeka, the physical
and emotional changes have not fully subaided.
The normal postnatal checkup, routinely given at six
weeks, demonstrates a medical concensus that full
recovery cannot be expected earlier. To strike a
balance, because a baby's future may be at stake, I
ask you, as a biologist, to provide that no valid
consent to adoption be given prior to three weeks
after birth. Further, that no consent be final until
well after the six weeks recovery period. With this
time period a woman is less likely to give a consent
she cannot live with.
Each one of us here today has only one natural father
and mother. This is immutable. The law should be
very cautious when it acts to interrupt such a tie.
References--articles :
Marano, M., "Biology is one key to the bonding of
mothers and babies, " Smi thsonian 11,81.
Schechter, M. et. dl., "Emotional problems in the
adoptee," Arch. Gen. Psych., 10, 64.
Staff, "A mother's voice," Science 80 1, 80.
Books :
"I made him a sweater," she eaid. "I changed his Bowlby, J., Loss: Sadness & Depression, Basic, 80.
clothes, fed him, bathed him each day.
Kirk, H., Adoptive Kinship: A Modern Institution
in Need of Reform, Buttersworth, 80.
'When they brought him to me, I undressed him and
Lifton, B., ,Lost & Found: The Adoption Experience,
checked his toes, his fingers. Dial, 79.
"The'day they took him I threw myself on the street," ~ichardson,
she aaid. "I was clawing the concrete and nurses Social and Psychological Aspects, Association in Aid
had to bring me in. I I of Crippled Children, 67.
Both women were told by eocial workers they would
forget the experience. "But you don't," Carol said.
"YOU rememkr more.
...
I I
A subsequent marriage and the births of three more
sons did not erase from her mind the child she gave
up. "I named my eecond son after him," she said.
"And the other two boys look just like him." Each
day that passed made her wonder if her baby was
healthy and happy. She wondered what the adoptive
family was like; what their religious background was;
what his developmental progress had been after he
left the maternity home....
"I saved the burp cloths from the hospital. I still
. have his baby picture, his footprints from the hospital."
What she didn't have was the satisfaction of
knowing her first-born was alright ....
... she began her search. It took three years. She
' received only tidbits (of information)--the adoptive
father was a professional with his own business, he
and his wife were in their late 20's when they adopted,
and they had an adopted daughter older than her
eon. She also learned the educational background of
the (adoptive) father. From there, she was on her
own. (Her search eventually led her to her son's
high school graduation picture).
I I
"When I saw his picture, I knew, she eaid....
It was at this point that I entered the picture and
experienced the joy of eeeing a mother meet her son
for the first time eince he was taken from her at the
maternity home.
In the couree of the interview, I had learned of her
searching, but she hadn't told me ehe had "found" her
son. When she told me the adoptive father'e occupa-
S. & Guttmacher, A,, Childbearirlg--~ts
Shawyer, J., Death by Adoption, Cicada, 79.
Sorosky , A. , et . a1 . , The Adoption Triangle: The
Effects of the Sealed Record on Adoptees, Birth Parents
and Adoptive Parents, Anchor/Doubleday, 78.
CUB COORDINATOR REUNITED WITH SON
CAROL SETOLA CUB' s WASHINGTON D , c /VA/MD
COORDINATORj WROTE TO SHARE HER GOOD NEWS
Enclosed is the story of my reunion as written
by suzy brett, a reporter at the Frederick New
Post who made my reunion possible. Suzy is a
warm, loving and sensitive human being who
handled an awkward situation with the utmost
of care and concern. I will be forever grateful
to her.
My reunion took place on Fri., Feb. 5, 1982
and was the single most beautiful and intimate
experience of my entire life.
Touching my beautiful birth son, grown to
young manhood, feeling the warmth of his embrace,
his lips on my cheek, has brought such
peace to my being that only the words in one
of Mary Anne Cohents unwritten poems could
describe my feelings.
My love to all of my CUB sisters and a plea
that everyone will join me in thanking Suzy
brett for making it possible for me to hold my
son in my arms once again.
Carol Setola
I am not adopted, and the only child I have is my infant
daughter who is lucky enough to live with her
birthparents. So it was with very little underetand-
"

:. .
:,.. ;,: .!, '. ,, : . ' ':.
. .
.:i
.. .,.,, . . . .. .. . .
...
. . . .
. . .
. . . I . . : . :.
. . :.
> .
tion, I realized I knew her son.
She asked what he was like, if he was healthy--all
the questions she'd asked the social worker. At this
point, I called my husband to tell him I could not
meet him for lunch, and of my interview, That call
brought an unexpected gesture--he called the son, our
friend, and told him the news.
Tears followed, as did a sense of apprehension. He
finally decided, at the urging of his (adoptive) sister,
to meet his mother. He called to ask me if I
was certain, and comparing birthdates was enough to
convince him.
Mother and son were reunited in my office 30 minutes
later. He was hesitant. "Why?" he asked. She was
in shock--"I buried my face in his neck and could
smell that smell from the womb," she said. "And
he'd put on aftershave. I I
Nearly two hours passed while they talked--of the
years past, of what happened when she was 15, of the
man who is his birthfather, of his happiness and a
desire not to hurt his adoptive family.
"Boys see this (adoption) as their first rejection,"
she said following the reunion. "They may not admit
it, but they wonder, 'What was wrong with me that
they gave me up?'
"But at least he knows now he wasn't hatched on a
rock," she said.
Her husband was thrilled. So were her two older (subsequent)
sons, both of whom wanted to meet their
brother. Her youngest, who is 7, won't learn of all
the excitement for awhile.
...
She now is waiting for the contact she hopes will come
once her son has had time to absorb the events of
their meeting, and of the lost 19% years. "1'11 never
wash my face" where he kissed her that day, she said.
And she hopes to send him the first birthday card
ever--"jus t as friends, I' he told her.
What remains in my mind is the cracking in both voices
~..krl I assured them they belonged to one another, and
the embrace--no matter how shaky--when mother and son
were reunited. Goose bumps raced up and down my body.
I know the moment was meant to be, and am glad I was
part of what my editor tagged the "lost and found"
story.
by Suzy Brett
Suzy Brett is an assistant news editor at the Frederick,
Maryland News-Post.
NEW SEARCH AID AVAILABLE
Available now is a two volume reference directory
in the field of adoption and child
care, which presents old and new names,
addresses and descriptions of agencies and
institutions. There are 9,262 entries (U.S.
and Canada) in Adoption Asencies, Orphanaaes,
and Maternity Homes, An Historical Directory.
In many cases, adoptees have only a scrap of
information about the adoption agency, such
as an obsolete name, the name of a street, or
perhaps only its religious denomination.
Natural mothers are often equally ignorant of
the facts surrounding the placement of their
children, which prevents them from contacting
the appropriate agencies for the purpose of
filing waivers of confidentiality, requests
for current information about their children,
and requests for reunions.
The historical directorypresents information
on the agencies so that the reader can
check clues and bits of information on old
agencies in the hope of correctly identifying
the proper agency or its successor. The
directory presents names and addresses in
reverse chronological order, starting with
current information and working backward in
time. Cross references are provided where
necessary. Entries are arranged by stated,
thereunder by city or town. No adoption
agency or maternity home is deliberately
omitted because it is too small. Children's
homes and orphanages are listed if they had
at least 15 beds and were intended for physically
and mentally normal children. The
directory includes geographical and biographical
notes, hundreds of very short
case histories, and an extensive bibliography
Entries are not as complete as one would
like, but the type of information eligible
for inclusion consists of: names of agencies,
addresses, case histories, the source
of the agency name, the date established,
cross-references to affiliated agencies,
cross-references to notes, the name of the
diocese (for Catholic Charities agencies),
the name of the order of nuns that conducts
a Catholic institution, number of inmates
accommodated, restrictions (on sex, age,
race, religion, or ethnic' origin), function
(such as adoption, intercountry adoption,
foster placing, unmarried mother service
(sic), and residential care), location of
headquarters if it is a branch agency, location
of branches if it is a headquarters
agency, bibliographical references, whether
previously located in another city, geographic
area that is served, and the religious
denomination.
Volume 1: Alabama through New York
Volume 2: North Carolina through Wyoming &
Canada.
ISNB 0-9604200-3-7 $32.00, from
Phileas Deigh Corporation
Suite 321
600 Old Country Road
Garden City, NY 11530
TAKE ME--TAKE
MY FAMILY
THIS ARTICLE IS REPRINTED FROM ADOPTION
E ~ WHICH J IS PUBLISHED BY THE NORTH
AMERICAN CENTER ON ADOPTION, WRITTEN BY
ELIZABETH S, COLE, DIRECTOR, PERMANENT
FAMILIES FOR CHILDREN, IT APPEARED IN THE
WINTER, '82 ISSUE,
Paul and Philip, who lived in different cities,
were 12-year-old boys whose parents were unable to
care for them. They were much alike. Neither had
serious emotional problems, although each showed
psychological scars from years of neglect and recycling
in and out of foster care. Both cared
about the parents, brothers and sisters from whom
they had been separated by repeated placements.
They boys went reluctantly into adoptive families.
Here the similarities in their stories stop. Paul
became more comfortable with his new family as
time went on and was adopted by'them. Philip ran
away frequently. Eventually the placement disrupted.

Trying to underrtand what had c'aused the different
outcomer, workers examined how each of the cases had
been handled. They discovered that Paul was able to
bring his original family to his new one and Philip
war not. Paul's parents had not wanted to lose their
ron. They recognized that they could not care for
him, however, and consented to his adoption. Paul Is
adoptive family allowed and encouraged h h to maintain
contact with his bio-family, friends and former
forter parents,
~hilip'r adoptive parents felt that theirs was the
only family he needed; they wanted to close the door
to hir past. When Philip ran away, it was to visit
hi8 original family.
When I first considered these cases, I wondered if
the boy8 rhould hove been 8eparated from their biofamilier
in the first place. The case materiala,
however, mad8 a convincing argument that the parents
would not be able to provide.long-term care for
their children. This did not mean the families did
not care about the children; a bond had been estab-
. lished--and it mattered.
Recently the director of a study on how adoptive familieo
cope with older or special-needs children mentioned
that her research had shown a number of adoptive
families maintaining contact with the original
and foster families. The agencies did not know that
much interaction was taking place. The adminietrator
of a rtate adoption program made a similar obmarvation:
family contacts were taking place informally.
The arrangements were working out well.
I beliava that maintaining ties with hie first family
awdr Paul'o adjustment to hir new surroundings eaeirr.
Baing able to see him bio-family might have
helped Philip, too. Agancier should recognize that,
for many children whom we place, it is important not
to revar all ties. The agency can be helpful in
working out the terms of contract. The negotiation
ia rirky but iutportant work. Social workers can help
the adoptive parents understand the importance of the
child's past and the bearing it has on his preeent
and future, Why will the adoptive parents go along
with a plan for the maintenance of contact7 Because
they are committed to seeing the placement work,
I
In the past, social workers who were engaged in the
I
placement of children were trained to recognize and
~
deal with the fact that each child entering a new
home smuggles in his "hidden parents." Today'e social
worker must prepare adoptive parents for the
reality that they may be welcoming bio-families,
alive and well, into their living rooms.
THE EDITOR'S CORNER
In the November, 1981 issue of Psychology Today there
ie an article entitled ''Living in Moral Pain." Although
the article wae written with regard to veterans
of the Vietnam war, much of what author Peter
Marin had to say is equally applicable to birthparents.
The Vietnam veterane, separated from American society
and sent away to war, did what they were told to do.
When they returned, they were regarded not as heroee
but as killers. Many are bitter and angry with the
way they were treated then, or with society's failure
to respond to the resulting problems they face now.
Peter Marin points out that the source of some of the
pain and anger the vets face arises "from the realization
that one has committed acta with real and terrible
consequences." Further, he explains, "the prevailing
cultural wisdom, modele of human nature, and modes
of therapy to explain moral pain or provide ways of
dealing with it" are inadequate.
whiie the vets' comparative youth at the time they
served in the war and their lack of eophietication
or clarity of values was a part of the problem, Marin
feels that American attitudes toward the war have
denied the veterane of recognition or help they need
and deserve since their return home, He explains that
those who attempt to treat the veterans "never dealt
with the problems of guilt" and did not raise questions
about what happened during the war, inatead
I'
treating the vets' difficulties as problems in adjustment."
He says that this treating moral pain as
though it were a form of neurosis or a pathological
symptom makes it impossible to aid sufferers. In
his view, this moral pain is not a diseaae, but "an
appropriate if painful reeponse to the past. 11
Marin says that although moat of the literature dealing
with veterans' problems has centered on a concept
of "delayed stress syndrome" increasingly researchers
are describing a range of symptoms that also include
"feelings of guilt, perception of oneself as a scapegoat,
alienation from one's feelings, an inability to
trust or love.'' He describes as his example a veteran
who during the term of service in Vietnam is exposed
to horrors, suffering, and desperation different from
anything in his previous experience. When he comes
home, he finds that othere who have not had his view
of life expect him to resume a "normal" life even
though he is not in fact the same person he was before
the war. "He comes home sensing a relation between
the nation's policies and the complex reality he has
witnessed, between our privilege here and the suffering
elsewhere in the world." The dichotomv between
.......................................... life as he has lived it and life as it is perceived
by the privileged is difficult to reconcile, and the
ADOPT I ON- RELATED POETRY WANTED
veteran may react with anger, feeling himself out of
place, and with deep pain.
In the same issue of Adoption Report as the
above article there was a request for poetry The author credits Robert Jay ift ton's (B.J. Is busrelated
to the adoption experience. If you band) Home From the War with having had a powerful imhave
a favorite adoption-related - poem - that pact on others in seeing the vets as victims.
has been published, send it along with in- Marin feels that much of the reluctance of professformation
about the source and author. If ionals to describe the veterans' pain in moral terms
you would like to send original poems, be ie that they fear "it is likely to open up areas of
sure to include written permission of the
I
pain for which there is really nothing like a cure. I II
author to include them in the anthology. The traditions of psychiatry and psychology are to
The project is being undertaken by Pat
separate the self from moral or eocial concerns. Al-
Johns ton. Send poems to: Zndi ana Resolve, though this separation was useful in some situations,
Inc., 905 W, Wildwood Avenue, Fort Wayne, ita applications to other circumetancea is inappropri-
Indiana 46807. Not all submissions will be used. ate. He says, "Our great therapeutic dream in Ameri-
An anthology of adoption-related poetry ca is that the past is escapable, that suffering can
wouldn't be complete without the feelings be avoided, that happinese is always possible, and
of blrthparents, ao consider #ending poetry that insight inevitably leads to joy. But life's
about the birthparent sxperlence.
lessons, so much more apparent in literature than in

I
I
therapy, teach us something else again." For those
who have experienced a different, disturbing reality,
the part is unforgetable, and is a part of the present.
"Try as they do to escape it, the past pursues
them; the closer they come to the truth of their acts,
the more troubled they are, the more apart they find
themselvee, and the more tragic becomes their view of
life."
Interestingly, just as B.J. Lifton, in her books,
uses the example of Oedipus in her effort to explain
the tragedies of adoption, Marin uses Oedipusl situation
to illuminate his ideas about veterans. He
says it "reveals to us the irreversibility of certain
kinds of knowledge, the power of certain actions and
perceptions to change an individual's life beyond any
effort to change it back. Oedipus saw and was blinded,
came close to the truth and lost the world of men, and
once in exile he suffered not so much because of what
he had done, but because of what he learned he had
done: the terrible and tragic knowledge deprived him
of the company both of men and gods. I I
~arin's description of the veterans1 tragic knowledge
sounds like something a birthmother would write:
"What they know is this: the world is real; the suffering
of others is real; one's actions can sometimes
irrevocably determine the destiny of others; the mistakes
one makes are often transmuted directly into
otherst pain; there is sometimes no way to undo that
pain ... and thereis no way to deny one's responsibility
or culpability, for those mistakes are written,
forever and as if in fire, in others' flesh."
This is a moral pain, and to call it "delayed stress"
is to deny its magnitude and its significance, to trivialize
it. Marin feels that most Americans flee
from the knowledge that their actions have consequences,
even though this is the "ethical lesson life
teaches thoee who attendt1 to it, so that "though it
ought to bring them deeper into the human community,
it isolates them instead, sets them irrevocably apart,
locks them simultaneously into a seriousness and a
silence that are as much a cause of pain as are their
past actiona. They become suffering pariahs not only
because of what they have done but because of the
questions it raises for them--questions that their
countrymen do not want to confront, questions for
which, as a society, we have no answers. It
As birthmothers, of course, we know that our actions
have consequences for our children, but we do not know
what those consequences might be. The response of
many of us to this kind of guilt is to refuse to
consider it at all, to try to deny our experience, or
to repeat the simplistic phrases about "best for the
childt1 or "legal rebirth" to the adoptive parents that
social workers drunmied into us long ago. To keep from
facing this knowledge, and therefore our pain, we may
construct elaborate walls or numb ourselves to all
emotions. Acknowledgment radically changes us and our
relation to the world. Yet, it should not isolate us,
nor should we allow it to. We are not alone. All
humans are fallible and culpable, all are guilty of
both public and private acts which have resulted in
the pain or suffering of other people.
Marin makes this point when he says that "What he
needed, as do all the vets, was not only a way of
thinking and speaking about his life, but the willingness
of others to consider their lives in the same
way." He feels that the anguish veterans experience
is "an extreme form of certain painful experiences that
would be entirely familiar to us if we paid as much
attention to moral life in our therapies as we do to
other forrne of behavior. I1
Marin deecribes three categories of moral pain. The
first ie "bad conecience," which ie the result of a
person's feeling that her own actions are inexcusable
or inexplicable. The result of this bad conscience
is pain, shame, and guilt. , h e individual demands a
way of setting right, of correcting, past wrongs. It
is more, though. It is also "bad faith," which is an
11 underlying and general sense of having betrayed what
I I
you feel you ought to have been. Marin goes on to
say, "to the extent that we merely try to outlive such
events, forgetting or ignoring them, we may indeed
feel ourselves to be guilty of a kind of bad faith--
of breaking a covenant not only with others or with
God, but with our own nature," Surely that is a part
of many birthmothers' feelings, for to have allowed
our children to grow up with strangers is against
our own natures. We become isolated from ourselves.
Marin1s second category of moral pain is what he calls
11 the world's pain." By this, he means the way we feel
as our own the pain we see in others. The birthmother
or adoptee who, is assisting countless others in finding
their lost loved ones, feels as her own the pain
she sees in those she tries to help. The pain of the
others she sees mixes with her own pain, making it
difficult to "sort out what has been produced by one
I1
and what by the other. It is an empathy extended not
only to another individual but to people in general.
According to Marin "It can take the form of a pervasive
sense of suffering, injustice, and evil--a response to
the world's condition that produces a feeling of despair,
disgust, or even a sort of radical species-shame,
in which one is simultaneously ashamed of oneself and
one's kind." He feels that much of the refusal of Americans
to get involved is an attempt to avoid this
pain by turning inward toward self, - nivina - . uv . on the
world because Ehe pain looms too large to cope with.
~eferring again to the veterans, Marin says, "They euffer
now, in a bitter way for which we have no words,
the brute condition of the human world, which is for
them neither an abstraction nor an idea; it is, rather,
what they know, how they feel, who they are. Their
grief, akin to Oedipust,or to Buddha's at the sight of
suffering, or to Christ's at human evil, is far more
than a therapeutic problem; it raises instead, for each
of them, the fundamental questions of how to live, who
to be. I I
This leads him to the third category of moral pain,
I1
which is the way most of us suffer when we cannot act
out in the world our response to the suffering we have
It
seen in it. He believes "we have underestimated the
ways in which we suffer when we cannot find out how to
express our love, to give back to the world in some
generous way what it is we feel toward it. " It is not
enough just to live our own lives without concern for
others, because we have a need to love and respond to
the world. When we cannot, "a sense of depletion akin
to what we feel when rejected in love or frustrated in
.
desire" results.
The article's conclusion is that there is no cure for
this pain, but there is some hope that some consolation .
may come from the recognition that "whatever we do or
do not do in our encounters, whatever we forget or remember,
whatever truths we keep alive or lies we fabricate
will help form a world inhabited by others. Our
actions will play a significant part ...(in) the future
of countless and distant others as well, whose names we
will not know and whose faces we will not see. II
For those who suffer now from moral pain, Marin says,
"It may well be that many of them will be forced to
live with certain kinds of pain and regret for the rest
of their lives, though one can hope they will. ..turn
the truths of the past to some use, becoming the keepers
and bearers of those truths rather than the victims.. ..
Whatever skills of comfort they manage to salvage ...
they will have to see through to the end, and largely
on their own, the moral journey that they began. II
Carole Anderson, IA

HOPE a HAPPINESS
I would also like to make a contribution in honor of
my. .on's birthday. Happy birthday to my son Matthew
Eric Melhus, born March 29, 1969. I'll love you always.
Susan Melhus-tee, IL
A donation has been sent in honor of her son's 17th
birthday on .January 21. John was born 21 January '65
at Stormont-Vail Hospital in mpeka, Ks, and was
named James Lewis Kidwell. Wi th love, Anna Lynne Poss
Happy 15th birthday and Merry Christmas to my firstborn
and only son, Bradley Paul Steln, born December
24, 1966 in Los Angeles, CA. I always wanted you,
loved you and hope for the day we can meet again.
Each day that goes by adds to the tremendous void of
not having you, but the love, the hope and the pride
only increase. Ny son, your sister and I love you
without doubt, without reservation, without limi tation.
Cod speed you back to me and Heather Rose.
Valerie Stein Tait, CA
. ' A contribution has been sent by Carol Jean Setola of
bowf e, ND, in honor of her reunion with her blrthson
Robert on February 5, 1982. Carole Jean Setola, MD
AMERICAN ADOPT I ON CONGRESS 1982 NATIONAL
CONFERENCE IN SAN ANTONIO, JUNE. 3 - 6, 1982
The Conference is entitled PROGRESS IS: THE
ADOPTION TRIAD UNITED. It will focus on communication
so that mutual concerns may be
discussed, ideas shared, and strategies generated.
Participants will be challenged to
develop programs and skills which they can
use in their local areas to meet the needs
they face and to break down the barriers and
myths in adoption. Throughout the Conference
the broad scope of issues in adoption today
will be viewed from the perspective of how
triad members and professionals can work together
as a team to achieve our goal of unity.
The Conference begins at noon on Thursday,
June 3, with a luncheon and opening
session, and will include 30 workshops as
well as general sessions. A Texas style
banquet will be held on June 5.
I
General Session Speakers will be:
!
Lee Campbell, CUB President
Betty Jean Lifton, Twice Born, Lost & Found
Linda Cannon Burgess, The Art of Adoption
Mary Jo Rillera, President of Tri-Adoption
Library
Margaret Gilling, Adoption Supervisor, Catholic
Charities of Green Bay, Wisconsin
Tom Allington, President of Kansas City Adult
, Adoptees Organization
I
Penny Partridge, President of American Adop-
tion Congress
Cost of attending the entire conference is
$75 for AAC members, $95 for non-members. It
includes all workshops & general sessions,
the luncheon on 6/3 and banquet on 6/5.
There are also other plans for those who can
not attend the entire conference.
The Conference will be held at the Gunter Hotel
in San Antonio. Those interested in attending
are urged to write NOW for details.
Write to: Kathy Silber, Lutheran Social
Service of Texas, 615 Elm Street at McCullough,
San Antonio, Texas 78202. (515) 227-8142.
....................................
MUTUAL HELPFULNESS
IF YOU WOULD LIKE INPUT ON A PROBLEM, OR IF
YOU HAVE INSIGHTS TO SHARE WITH OTHERS WHOSE
LETTERS ARE PRINTED HERE, WRITE TO CAROLE AT
THE ADDRESS LISTED ON FRONT COVER, YOUR REPLY
TO A PROBLEM MAY BE LISTED HERE OR FORWARDED-
TO THE PERSON WHO WROTE1
This ie in response to Paula, FL, whose letter appeared
in the 10181 Communicator.
Every time I have to go to the hospital to see a
friend's or relative's new arrival, I get upset. There
have been many times when I stood in front of a nursery
window, tears streaming down my face. My thoughts are
always with the little one I never saw. How I wish I
had seen my daughter when she wae bornl
When my daughter was born, I was fully awake, but one
of the nurses covered my face with a sheet so I could
not see. I did hear my daughter's first cry of life,
though, and I cried with her. I was told by the social
workers, nurses, and my parents that it was
II
easier"
for me not to see my baby. Well, it wasn't easy then
and it isn't easy now.
Like you, I feel it is an injustice to separate mother
and. baby at birth. A newborn needs the security of a
warm, loving mother in the moments after birth. But
because we were not able to keep our babies, they were
denied what they needed. And we, in our vulnerable
and brainwashed states, believed we were doing what was
II
"best", or easier" that way. Well, I cannot see how
that can be so, when the last 9 years of my life have
not been easy because I let someone else make my decision
for me.
I feel guilty because I never held or saw my child. I
cannot understand how I could ever let anyone convince
me not to. One thing I have learned from my experience
is that in adoption there is NO easy or best way.
Debbie S., TN
I am a birthmother who surrendered my daughter for adoption
21 years ago. About a year and a half ago I
found my daughter and contacted her by letter. After 3
months she wrote back to say she didn't want to meet
me, to not contact her any more in any manner. She
stated that she believes God used me to give her (adoptive)
mother a baby and that is all the connection they
have to me.
I am not normally a complainer but it is very frustrating
and painful. Z am associated with an adoptee
group in a nearby city. This group has been active for
about five years and has had many, many happy reunions.
I am the first total rejection the group has had.
I would very much like to have a pen pal or pals with
the same experience, or people who can give me some
hope or ideas.
Thanks for listening.
Gretchen H., MI
BIRTH MOMMA
Dreaming of you often I'd mourn
God gave me life. Through you I was born.
Never to know you seemed my fate.
Sealed records made me wait.
Birth Momma, do you pray
Oldest daughter stay away 3
One from amongst the flowers wild.
I was an adopted child.
13
Searching Adoptee

AdopUon Searchbook, by May Jo Rillera. An excellent book to guide you through the complicated maze of search. FREEwith a $10 donaion.
*
Adoption Triangle. Researchers Dr. Arthur Sorosky, Reuben Pannor and Annette Baran have reported on their research on the need for
adoption refcrm in '5'; timely xd
important work. Now available in paperback, it is available FREE with a $9.00 donation.
Birthmark. Journalist Lorraine Dusky has written a memoir relating how an unwanted pregnancy changed one woman and led to her
~nvolvement in the open records movement and determination to one day find her daughter. In hardcover, FREE with a $9.00 donation.
"The Birthparent's Right to Know, by Lee Campbell, CUB President. Reprint from the 1979 issue of Public Welfare magazine. FREE with a
$1.00 donation.
0 Choices, Chance! Chinges: 4Gyi_de to Making an.1nforrped Choice 4but Yqur Untimely Pregnancy. This 62 .page booklet by Caro e
~ndersbn, CUB Vice President, Lee Campbell, CUB President, and Mary Anne Cohen is the culmination of a '
endeavor to protect t e
dignity ~4 choice and enhance the self-esteem of vulnerable pregnant women while gently offering the real but heretofore taboo sides of the issues.
It is crucial reading for every mother who is uncertain about the fate of her pregnancy. FREE with a $4.00 dodon.
RDeath by Adoption. Joslj Shawyer has written a no-holds-barred account of the tactics used by society to swindle women out of their children.
FREE with a $9.00 donation.
Eternal Punishment of Women: Adoption Abuse. Written by Carole Anderson, CUB Vice President, with Lee Campbell, CUB President, and
Mary Anne Cohen, this is an important work - a feminist perspective on society's treatment of unmarried mothers. FREE with a $1.00 donation.
b
Helping Hand, compiled by Gail M. Hanssen, CUB National Secretary. A how-to work with agencies and courts to document your experience as
a birthparent, obtain information, and release "protection". Also useful to non-birthparents. FREE to CUB members. Others, FREE with $3.00
donation.
I'm Still Me. Author Betty Jean Lifton's newest book about an adopted teenager, her questions and her search is certain to move you, especially .
if you are interested in the needs of minor adoptees. FREE with a $9.00 donation.
El I Would Have Searched Forever, by Sandra Kay Musser, CUB Vice President. A book revealing one birthmother's true story. FREE with a
$8.00 donation.
El Lost and Found, by Betty Jean Lifton, a noted adoptee/author's synopsis of the adoption experience. In hardcover, FREE with a $9.00
donation.
0 My Family, geneologically designed scrapbook for non-adoption persons. FREE with $7.00 donation.
El My Family, Genealogically designed scrapbook for adoptees. FREE with $7.00 donation.
El My Family, geneologically designed scrapbook for birthparents, to complete now to preserve your surrendered child's heritage.FREE with
$7.00 donation.
El Orphan Voyage. Mother of adoption reform movement, Jean Paton, writes this historical account of its beginnings. FREEwith a donation of
$9.00.
The Social Worker's Role in Adoption. Article by Carole Anderson, CUB Vice President and newsletter editor and herself a social worker,
examines the feelings of birthmothers at surrender and the role of the social worker. FREE with a $1.00 donation.
Our booklet, Understanding the Birthparent, compiled by Lee Campbell, CUB President. Twenty-four birthparents convey a vivid insider's
view of surrendering children. FREE with a $3.00 donation.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
El Information Packet. Interested in educating your agency, your parents, adoptive parents or others through a specially selected packet of CUB
materials? In addition to a one year subscription to the Comunicator, a cover letter explaining CUB and that a CUB member donated the packet will
be included with a Birthparent's Perspective. Choices, Chances, Changes, Social Worker's Role in Adoption, and two of the books listed above
(depending on availability). Purchased separately this packet would be more than the $25.00 dona* fog this packet that "puts it all together" for
you. Specify: Use my name in the Cover letter, do not use my name
*@
-0IFTS-
: Tiny ceramic bpars are sure to tug at your heartstrings. A gift for
.. a
. special
. - - .
somebody (you?). FREE with a $4.00 donah.
El Vinyl bumper sticker: "Birthparents Care ...
..
forever". $1.00
b
t
Engraved Contribution Card honoring a beloved on a special occasion; to be mailed now or saved for the future. Specify occasion (birthday? 1
reunion?) and the name of the honoree. If you would like this listed in the "Hope and Happiness" column in the Communicator, be sure to specify
i how you would like it to appear and whether to use full names. Minimun separate donation of $5.00.
Package of 20foldover notes imprinted with the CUB logo, $5.00 donation.
O Yellow t-shirts with CUB logo and words, "Birthparents Care ... Forever". Men's size: small, El medium, large
ALL MONIES SENT TO CUB ARE TAX OEDUCTIBLE
POSTAGE AND HANDLING INCLUDED
Ordered by:
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REPRESENTATIVES
BRANCHES
JOB DESCRIPTION: Educator of CUB and birthparenthood within 100 mile JOB DESCRIPTION: Educator of CUB and birthparenthood within 100 mile
radius of area. Does not handle money or keep books.
radius of area and provider of services for birthparents.
QUALIFICATIONS: Energetic, articulate, resourceful; willing to solicit to media QUALIFICATIONS. As
cov' rage; to adhere to CUB goals & phiios0phy; to make a
under representatives. Also five
year
area members
the Position. This was created for individuals who do not yet have a core group to
three of whom are hilling to assume 2 year positions of Coordinator. Secretary
T ~ M~~~ sign ~ a
form a branch.
~ for Brah- ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
WOULD-BE LEADERS: Write to your area's Regional Coordinata (liste
Representatives
CALIFORNIA
ALASKA MAINE OREGON
Jana Vee Shedlock Carol Simpson .Mary1 Walling-Millard 7571 Westminster Ave.
7105 Shooreson Circle RFD 2 2190-13 Patterson Dr.
Westminster, CA 92683
Anchorage, AK 99504 Hlton's Ln
Eugene, OR 97405
NO. ~erwick, ME 03906
CALFORNIA
.Randee Benson MICHIGAN PENNSYLVANIA Barbara McGee
P.O. Box 15398 tkbbie Bryan Sandy Musser 8257 Greenleaf Circle
a San Diego, CA 92115 '1201 So. Hanover St. Box 156 Tampa, FL 33615
Hastings, MI 49058 Oaklyn, NJ 08107
- CALIFORNIA MASSACHUSETTS
Linda D. Kane MICHIGAN SOUTH CAROLINA also serving VT, RI,
* 235 W. Quinto #2 Mary Scholten Carolyn Piekielniak
Santa Barbara, CA 93105 633 E. 11th Street
a09 Center Sp. Rd.
Holland, MI 49423 Edgefield, SC 29824
Cambridge;, MA 02138
CALIFORNIA .
.MINNESOTA
WISCONSIN'
Judy Key-Dominguez Joan Arnette MINNESOTA
1001 Bridgeway #I74 #Robin.Lee Ryant R. I Pamela Bol'duc
Sausalito, CA 94964
;Star Rt. 2, Box 233
. Hibbing, MN 55746
Cameron, WI 54822
CA~~F~RN~A ! Minneapolis, MN 55433
Melanie Williams
NEVADA
WISCONSIN
1209 Belcamp Street
Cheryl E. Kirker
Mimi Notestein
NEW JERSEY
Rio Linda, CA 95673
,320 Vandalia Street
2977 N. Bartlett #36
Milwaudee, WI 53211
COLORADO Las Vegas, NV 89106
Jopce Villanueva Haddon Hgts., NJ 08035
NEW HAMPSHIRE '
p P.0; Box 22904
Denver, CO 80222
;Susan Daggett
,P.O. Box 64
CONNECTICUT
Merrimack, NH 03054
P.O. Box 424
Donna Mocarsky
Box 526
R ~ kHill, y CT 06067
FLORIDA
Brenda Rodriguez
455 Branan Field Rd
Middleburg, FL 32068
GEORGIA
goann Howard
-3374 Aztec Rd., Apt. 35C
Doraville, GA 30340
l
IDAHO
Carol Bungi
Box 5202
, Perrysburg, OH 43551
EW YORK
;Susan Fuller
XI2 North St
~Manlius, NY 13104
Martha McCann
148 E. Hillcrest Ave.
E W YORK Dayton, OH 45405
&net Scarpati
25 Nagle Ave PENNSYLVANIA
Mw York, NY 10040
2396 Highland Ave.
E W YORK
Allison Park, PA
Bleen Sammarone
15101
2Stemmer Lane
.Sffern, NY 10901
,NORTH CAROLINA
Boise, ID 83705 Stacy S. Miller Plano, TX 75075
4916 Brentwood Rd.
IOWA Durham, NC 27713
Vicki Adams
4510 N. Linwood OHIO
Davenport, IA 52804
LOUISANA
Claudia Smith
P.0. Box 154
Laplace, LA 70068
Darla Burrier
26 Laurel Dr
Pataskala, O'H 43062
Houston, TX 77042
WASHINGTON, D.C./MD
OHIO
Carol Jean Setola
Carol-Kay Thompson
12709 Prospect, Knolls
P.O. Box 65 Bowie, MD 20715
Amherst, OH . 44001 .
MEMBERS: If you live within 100 miles of a Branch (not a Representative), do send it your dues, They
use half to meet area needs. Others, send to MQ.
230

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PERMIT NO. 3001
Other Leaders
Patricia Palmer
Legislative Reporter
213 S.W. Flynn Drive
Ankeny, IA 50021
Carol Gustavson
Liaison Committee Chairperson
cloHQ
Alison Ward
Famll Advocacy
cloH 8
Charleen Justice
CUB Sister Coordinator
Box A292
Deptford, NJ 08096
REGIONAL COORDINATORS
Pat Murphy
CUB-Harvard Square Station
Box 396
Cambridge, MA 02138
MA ... CT ... NH ... RI ... VT ... ME
Canada-Quebec and New
Brunswick
Mickey Carty
2707 So. G St.
Richmond, IN 47374
NJ ... OH ... PA ... VA ... W...DL
DC ... NY ... MD
Sandy Musser
Box 156
Claklyn, NJ 08107
Pamela Bolduc
10857 Mississippi Blvd.
Coon Rapids, MN 55433
MN ... KY ... IN ... MI ... IL
' MO ... IA ... WI
Kathy Sawyer
Box 1527
Plano, TX 75074
TX ... NM ... OK ... CO ... NB ... W.
KS ... SD ... ND ...
Canada- Saskatchewan and
Manitoba
Sandee Tuccio
9893 Continental Dr.
Huntington Beach, CA 92646
CA ... AZ ... NV ... ID ... MT ... WA..
OR ... UT.. .HI.. .AK.. .
Canada-Alberta and British
Columbia. Guam

Hello friends,
How are you?
I've just reserved space at The Gunter in San Antonio for our get
together during the AAC Conference June 3 through 6. In addition
to the workshops CUB leaders will facilitate, plans are underway for
two special CUB events. Please note them.
On Friday, June4 you are invited to our hospitality suite. There,
Carole Anderson will lead an important discussion on the ways our
culture's sexism has influenced the adoption system and, in turn,
our lives as daughters, women, wives, professionals, mothers and
sisters. This is a topic the AAC Conference planners felt was
inappropriate. As advocates of free thought and personal choice,
wedisagree. Please plan to join us for this thought-banquet!
The next evening we'll host our first National CUB Ni te. We'll
offer you wine and cheese, and we can chat informally abut ...
everything!
Although we deserve, and have well-earned, this special time
together, we can ill-afford it. To cover the room, food and
beverage, we'll have to pass along the costs to those who join us,
but we know, asa participant, you'll beeager tocontribute.
LEGISLATIVE REPORTER NEEDED
Are you willing to assist CUB in this important area? As
Legislative Reporter, you would -
*accept from CUB members copies of legislation under
consideration by various states
*advise CUB members through the Communicator about
pertinent points of each bill
*writean official letter on behalf of CUB for each Bill
maintain a stateby-state legislation file
Please doconsider this opportunity for personal de\lelopment and
to help advance our perspective. For more info, call or write Lee at:
1
595 Central Ave.
Dover, NH 03820
Phone: (603)749-5144
But, what if you can't go? Can you spare a donation to help us
CUB leaders get there and represent you?
Financial concerns are never too far from my mind but they're
especially worrisome after looking at our monthly figures for
January. We spent $800 more than we took in (see Annual Report,
March Communicator for more dollar data.) Obviously, we can't
stay alive if those conditions continue.
Our viability, as you know, is more urgent now than ever. CUB
leaders recently joined other experts in supporting a mother who is
seeking to remedy a situation where the adoptive mother reneged
on their agreement to rnaintair! an open placement. (Personally, I
view CUB'S participation in positive court judgements as a route
leading to changes in the law that can count for birthparents.) Of
course, in addition to support offered in this, our Family Advocacy
Program, each of our other programs also provide their own special
kind of support and advocacy that can't be had elsewhere. Your
financial help Is what keeps these helping programs alive!
If you have only a little extra, we sure could use it.
If you are fortunately endowed, there's a book to advise the most
tax advantageous ways to invest in CUB'S work. Ask Funding
Exchange, 80 Fifth Ave., Room 1204, N.Y. N.Y. 10011, for their
book: Gift Giving Guide (7.95). Thanks so much.
Thank you, also, if you were among the many whose votes
addressin the right to search (November-December Communicator,
wit \ follow-up in February Communicator) arrived recently
in a second flurry of voting activity. This second batch reinforced
the tally of the first. It also encouraged me; I'd become concerned
about the low volume of responses received.
We certainly do have our programs in place, our focus clarified
and our energy aroused. Be with us to the strongest degree you
can, okay?
&;
Until next nonth's report,
I
Going
I
Will
./ ee H Campbell, M.Ed. Ave., Dover, N.H. 03820).
President
IF YOU WANT YOUR SHIP TO COME IN,YOU'VE GOT TO
MAKE WAVES
to San Antonio by Car?
If you are going to San Antonio by car, would you please give
Lee a call or drop her a note (603, 749-3744; 595 Central Ave.,
Dover, N.H. 03820). We'll need a little transportation around
town -- to pick up wine and cheese, for example. Thank you.
you Have a Few Spare Hours at the Conference?
CUB will ahve a couple of tables displaying literature and gifts.
To ensure active involvement of CUB leaders in workshops, we'll
need help manning the tables. Are you willing to sign up to help
I
us out? Call, or drop Lee a note (603, 749-3744; 595 Central Ave.,
Dover, N.H. 03820).
Do You Have Access to a Button-Maker?
We'd like to make some CUB buttons for the conference. Can
you help? Call Lee or drop a note (603. 749-3744; 595 Central
I

President's Comments............................l
Living as a Birthparent ......................... 2
Risk of Incest................................'..3
Your Help Is Needed 3
California Lies to Mothers......................4
Untitled Poem by Ellie.. ........................ 4
Follow-Up on Mississippi Home...........,.......4
.............................
........................
.........
Having It Both Ways 5
What's in a Name? Joy... 5
Jack Reunion Updates Needed/Wanted..... 5
Daughter She Found Now Lives with ,Her...........5
Attention: Group Leaders, Administrators, Etc...6
LIVING AS A BIRTHPARENT
IN THIS ISSUE, 1 ,
Feelings of a "Foundoo Birthmother. .............. 6
A Gift of Love, Part Two. ....................... 7
Pen Pal Requests... .............................8
Hope h Happiness ................,...............9
Another Pen Pal Request. .......................lo
Announcement of Meeting Change. ................ 10
Mutual Helpfulness ............,................lo
Wanted ..............................,...,...,..13
Meeting Announcement ........................,..13
New York Legislation Proposed. ................. 13
Dear World. ................,...............,...13
......................
Literature/Gifts/Donatinq 14 "
- .
- ....-..-...
have you hed since the surrender and how do you feel about
As long term members know, efforts to complete a book on the response you received, how would you have liked to have
Living as a Birthparent have long been underway. This was been treated
.
originally envisioned as an exploration of the birthparent Do you regret the surrender or do you feel it was okay for
experience throughout life that could be used to increase you, for your child
others' understanding, but mo8t importantly to help us to Have you told your other children about their surrendered
understand ourselves and to see how ochers have dealt with sibling, how did you tell them, what was their response,
the problems that confront us.
how old were they when you told them, how do they feel
In my efforts to put this together from materials others
If you have not told other children, .why haven't- you, do
had gathered, I discovered there were limitations to trying
you intend to, at what age
to write a chapter-by-chapter book on this topic. The big-
Did you decide to search, why did you decide to search, what
gest difficulty waa that I am limited by my own experiences issues did you have You You
and and I didn't want the book to be a reflection search, how long was Your search, what was searching like
of only what I think and feel, but of the vast variety of for You) did Your feelings change during search
feelings, thoughts, and experiences birthparents express. If you' are not searching, why did you decide not to search,
I discussed this with Lee, and we decided on a different how would you feel if your child found you, have you reapproach
to the book.
leased your "protection"
Have you contacted your surrendered child or the adoptive
We would like to Put together a collection of articles, Po- parent(s), what was the response to your contact, at what
ems, essays, etc. about the birthparent experience. I will age did you contact, why did you decide to contact then or
be selecting and editing the material to be included. We not to contact until then, how do you feel about the way
would like to hear from members on a variety of topics, with you contacted; did your contact your feelings
a goal of showing the diversity of our membership as well as Have you been reunited with your child, how long ago, at
the common threads that unite us.
what age, what was the reunion like, how did you feel about
Some of the things I'd like to include in the book have ap- Your reunion; has a relationship developed, are you compeered
in iasues of our newsletter. I'll be writing to fortable with it, has it been what you expected, what you
those whose articles will be included to request confima-
has Your child felt about it, Your family, Your
tion of whether or not full names should be used, or how an child's adoptive family; what problems were solved, what
author would like her name to appear. also requesting problems developed, how have your feelings changed
your input. Some of the issues to be included have not been If You were rejected, how have you dealt with that, how has
as fully explored in back issues of the newslettqs as have Your family dealt with it, what do You hope will happen in
others, as our own understanding has grown over time. To the future, what do you think will happen
reflect our current understanding as well as possible, Ild
the other birthparent, then and now, reaclike
to receive from you for possible inclu- tions of your spouse to the other birthparent, how much consion
in Living as a Birthparent.
tact have you had with the other birthparent since the surrender,
your feelings
Some suggested topics are:
Religion and faith, has it helped you deal with the pain
The pregnancy and surrender experience
and loss, did you lose faith as a result of your experience,
Feelings about parents (did they reject you, support you, how did your clergyperson respond to you, how do you now
how did you feel about them, how do you feel now, how was feel about churches and organized religion, Cod, faith
your relationship affected)
How did your birthparenthood affect your life, are you timid,
~ ~ about ~ men, effect l on i relationships ~ ~ with opposite
~
afraid to make decisions, stronger than before, trustful or
sex, effect on feelings abo~t your own sexuality,
distrustful of others, how do you feel about yourself, the
Marriage (did your child's surrender affect your decision meaning of life, how have Your values changed, how do you
on whether or not to marry, on how you feel about your
view'the meaning and importance of family ties, responsibihusband,
on how you relate to your husband; how does your lity,
9PouSe feel about Your being a birthparent, about Your dis- Please don't feel you must limit yourself to the topics mencussing
your experience with others)
tioned above, but feel free to write about whatever you
Other children (did you choose to have other children, did think is relevant. Chances are that an issue that was or is
You choose not to, and why; how has being a birthparent af- important to you is also important to others. Don't try to
fected your relationships with other childten--both your own include everything above in one article, but explore a topic
and children in general) or two in some detail. What you write could be a poem or
Subsequent pregnancies and how you felt about them, and how an article of a page or two or longer,
you felt about birthparenthood during other pregnancies
Secrecy, and how secretive are you (who knows about your Address your submissions to me at the address listed on the
surrendered and who doesntt, why, when did you tell front cover. On the envelope, please write "Living as a BP"
how, what were your experiences with 1tcoming out of so I won't get it mixed up witti newsletter submissions.
the closet")
BE SURE to include a statement that says, "You have my per-
Feelings about society in general, about agencies, about mission to use the enclosed article titled in
I I
doctors, lawyers, or others involved; how helpful were 0th' As A Birthpnrpnr. Mv name as
ere to you, did you feel used or cared about at the time of
Carole Anderson, IA
surrender, how have your feelings changed, what contact
Important note about renewals: Please renew two months before the expiration date on your label.
Moving? Send your new address to Headquarters (not Carole) six weeks ahead as bulk mail is not forwarded.
Miss an issue? Send $1.00 to Headquarters for each missed issue--it will be sent out first class.
Please remember that although renewals, address changes, and back issues are handled by Headquarters,
submissions for the newsletter should be sent to Carole Anderson, Editor, at her address on front cover.
If you'd like to send a letter or article you wrote, a news clip, or an announcement, please be sure to
tell Carole whether or not you would like your full name and address listed. If you don't specify, your
first name and state will be used. Include the name and address oE the publication for any news clips,
along with the date published. Thank you1

"
RISK OF INCEST
I was 16 when I surrendered my week old son to a reputable
adoption agency. Eleven years later I found him
in the same town, in the same synagogue, at the same
beach club, in the same school system as my other
children, and adopted by friends of my family.
We really got to know and like each other last summer,
although he does not know that I am his birthmother,
nor do his adoptive parents know.
After satisfying my initial concern as to Steven's
health and happiness, I realized that a potential for
incest exists. Steven's younger sister is only two
years younger than he is, and they see each otherquite
often because of school, recreational, and religious
activities.
In "A Guide to Jewish Religious Practice," Isaac Klein
states, "A serious problem is posed by marriage and
kinship. When the identity of the natural parents is
unknown there is a danger that a brother and sister
may chance to marry, or that the child may be a mamzer
(a mamzer is a child born of an unlawful, incestuous,
or adulterous marriage. This does not refer to
a child who is simply born out of wedlock. A mamzer
is forbidden to marry another ~ew)." The author then
says that the possibility of 'such a marriage is extremely
remote. As you can see, it is not.
Thankfully, I am in the position to stop an incestuous
relationship, but what of those who could not identify
such a situation? Would the couple be forced
into a life of shame and their children into a life
of misery7
There is only one solution: open adoption. Open
records come too late to prevent incest. Open records
are needed at least by 12 years of age, at least to
the adoptive and birthparents. Until then, my heart
goes out to all adoptees who do not know their true
origins.
Sue W., NJ
YOUR HELP IS NEEDED
1 am... writing you from California. Presently, there is
a court action here involving a birthmother, Guadalupe
(Lupe) Nunez and her battle for custody of her son,
Carlos .
Lupe is from Guadalajara, Mexico. She was separated
from her husband and living with her father who forbade
her to see her husband. She was seeing him anyway,
without her father's knowledge, when she became pregnant.
Because she was so fearful of what her father
would do, she came to her brother's home in California
to give birth to her son Carlos. The story is familiar:
in a vulnerable state, with no means of support
and complicated by being in a foreign land, speaking
in a foreign tongue, Lupe surrendered her child to the
L.A. Department of Adoptions.
Two months later, after returning to Guadalajara and
reuniting with her husband, Lupe contacted the Depart-
, ment to request that her child be returned to her. At
approximately the same time, Carlos was moved into a
second foster home because the first foster parents expressed
growing attachm&t to him.
Before returning Carlos to his mother, the Department
requested a home study from Mexican authorities. They
also maintain that they wanted to be assured that Lupe's
interest in her son was ongoing and that her situation
was stable.
-
Well, Carlos is now 2\ years of age, and Lupe is still
fighting. The second set of foster parents, Beverly
and Don Collard, after being told by the Department
that Carlos was to be returned to his mother, filed
for guardianship.
In October of 1981, Lupe grew understandably frustrated
and frightened by the Department's delays in
returning her son. So, on one of her visits with
Carlos, Lupe took him back home with her. I had
hoped that was the end of the story. .It wasn't.
Beverly Collard went to Mexico, hired two men who
snatched Carlos, having knocked down his 13 year old
aunt who was holding him by the hand while walking
down the street. And Carlos was once again with foster
parents far from home.
On September 2nd and 3rd Lupe and the Collards were
back in court to have determined who would receive
custody of Carlos. Two third of that courtroom was
filled with the Collard's supporters, their neighbors
and other foster parents. Who was there to
support Lupe? Kathy Sly, myself, and two other birthparents.
Monday was a closed hearing and Tuesday would be the
day of decision. The tv cameras were there and the
Collards looked good that night on the news. Lupe's
side of the courtroom looked real empty on tv.
The judge decided Lupe's relinquishment was valid and
that the Collards would retain custody until the Department
held a hearing to determine whether or not
the order to rescind was valid. If the Department
holds that the order to rescind is valid, the Collards
will appeal; if it is decided that the recision is invalid,
Lupe will appeal. There is no way to tell how
long this may take.
The judge also ordered a Grand Jury investigation of
the ~epartment's handling of Lupe's case. He wants
them to determine why it took so long to return Carlos
to Lupe, why Carlos was shifted from one home to another,
why there wasn't an independent translator for Lupe
at the time of relinquishment.
In the meantime, Lupe has limited visitation rights,
but visits are to be made only in the presence of a
monitor.
When the judge left the courtroom, we saw the viciousness
of those supporters come alive. They shoted highly
offensive accusations about Lu~e's ~ersonal life.
~everl~ Collard performed in froni of ;he cameras.
She went over to Lupe and, for the cameras, attempted
to hug her as she told her in a language Lupe doesn't
speak how much SHE was suffering. The camera got a
good shot for that night's news, but didn't show Lupe
cringing from this foster "mother" who was taking her
child.
What kind of precedent will be set if the Collards are
awarded permanent custody of Carlos? How many mothers
who now have their children in foster care out of temporary
need will never see their children again?
There are many sad cases basically similar to this one;
it certainly isn't the first. But how many will follow?
And why is it so easy for birthparents to lose?
I've been considering these questions over and over.
The majority opinion out there among the non-birthparent
population is that we didn't care about the children
we surrendered. And because they don't think we
cared when they were born, they think we have no right
ever to care again. They view us as selfish, unfeeling,
immoral women. They have nothing to go on but
their fantasy of who we are. We remain silent, unreal.
We disappeared. We hide from fainily, friends, neighbors,
involvement.

How many times has the CUB Communicator pleaded with
us for a simple letter stating our opinion? Have we
responded? How many cases are going on in your respective
areas with no support from birthparenta?
There ie so much we can do1 And you can believe that
the opposition is very comfortable knowing that most
of us will remain silent, There are at least as many
of us as there are of them, yet they are so much more
effective. Why? Becauee we do nothing,
It is not enough for ue to sit in meetings once a
FOLLOW-UP ON MISSISSIPPI HOME
ON PAGE 4 OF THE MARCH '82 ISSUE, THERE WAS
A REPORT ON THE BETHESDA HOME FOR GIRLS AT
HATTIESBURGj MISSISSIPPI, A MEMBER WROTE TO
ME THAT SHE THOUGHT THE HOME WAS CONNECTED
IN SOME WAY WITH SAVE-A-LIFE, A RECENT NEWS
CLIP REPORTED ON COURT TESTIMONY REGARDING
HOW YOUNG WOMEN AT THE HOME ARE TREATED,
The home's director, Bob Wills, admitted that the
month and bemoan our situations. Changes will not doors and windows of the home were kept locked 24
miraculously come about by reading a newsletter or a hours a day and that "girls" were spanked.
book. Although I'm not minimizing the importance of lie said that he, his wife, and other staffers were
emotional support, it is equally important to use that authorized to administer "lick8" with a foot-long
energy to change a system that has caused so much wooden board to "girls" who attempted to run away,
heartbreak. It has to stop. And it will be only us did not study as directed, or did not follow rules.
to stop it. Each one of us CAN make a difference.
He said he was certain the "licks" leave the girls'
I'm asking You to make a difference now in Lupe's and bottoms red and that a medicated bath has been given
Carloe's lives. How many of us would not be reading to some afterward, but he denied that such incidents
this letter now if we had had one person to support are beatings. "We do not beat girls. That's a word
us. One person to make a difference in our lives. that may sound good in newspapers, but we do not
I know you can't be in court with Lupe. But her de- beat girls. I love girls. I have dedicated my life
fense costs money--lots of it, She neede a court to them. I I
appointed interpreter. That Cost alone is aStr0nomi- The suit against the home was filed on behalf of a
cal, Although her attorney is committed to Lupe, pregnant 19-year-old Montgomery, Alabama woman identhere
are court costs that he can't be expected to tified in court as "Candy H." She says that she was
Pay *
abused, brainwashed and held against her will in the
It's sad to say, and it's not what we learned in home for three weeks before she was rescued by her
government clasaea, but if Lupe has any chance of mother, her attorney, and a sheriff's deputy.
winning, it will take money and support. .........................................
The judge noted the concern for the Collards as evidenced
by a show of support in his courtroom. ~'rn UNTITLED POEM
sure the Collards feel majority opinion is on their You speak
side. Will our voice be heard? HOW long will we sit and your words are
in silence as we allow our children to be taken away grand revelations of sound.
from us?
They bridge years of silence
Speak for Lupe. Please give. Make the difference for and fill hollows of despair...
her.
I hear a truth
Lupe and Carlos Defense Fund
of what yo2 have become,
Box 732
my son, you are a man.
West Covina, California 91793
But you can't hear me,
I do not speak., .
Diane Gamell, CA
my words abide a nameless,
__________C_----__--------------------------
lawful, living grave ...p lotted with lies,
growing year1 y, that reek
with the stench of "good deeds."
CALIFORNIA LIES TO MOTHERS
Searchers sometimes write to the Department of Social What would you think, I wonder,
Services, Adoption Bureau, for information on adop- if you could hear the truth?
tions. Recently a birthmother who write was told one you listen my
truth by the Department: that the birthparents are knowing it belongs to you,
not considered by the law to be a party to the adoption or would you leave it burled
if they surrendered to an agency. She was also told a where I can never rest?
lie: that she, as a birthmother, has no right to peti- Until you know, my son,
tion the court of jurisdiction involved in the adop- my love for you survives
tion. The right to petition the Court is a basic civil under deceit and in darkness
right as old as America, and older, When a represents- like the deepest roots of your life..,
tive of a search group called the State to enquire until you know, my son,
about this, the state worker responsible cheerfully my love for you won't let me die,
said that they "were trying to weed out the ones who and no one,
are not searching seriously"--so now we know: if you not even the hellish saviors
believe your government official you're not a serious who dug this grave;
searcher. Come to think of it, there's some truth in and not-ng,
that,
not even the sting of your rejection
Nancy 0, CA
can change what I feel.
........................................... Like my love,
I have survived,
A member sent this thought with reference to Bill I have
Pierce, spokesperson for the National Committee for lost you.. .I have found you,
Adoption (started by Edna Gladnoy to promote separating I am your mother
families): His open mouth is offset by his closed I am alive.
mind.
Ellie Maldonado

HAVING IT BOTH WAYS
:In my local paper I read: "Jason, 14, is a healthy,
active, creative Jewish boy of above-average intelligence.
He ie college material as well as being artietically
talented. He plays the guitar, is fond of
rock and roll music, and participates in all team
sports. He is well liked by both adults and peers.
"After the death of Jason's adoptive father, his adoptive
mother terminated her parental rights. Jason is
still depressed from these losses. He is etruggling
with the feeling that no one wants him."
The story was accompanied by a charming photo in one
of those "child of the week" columns. I phoned the
number and was answered by a volunteer adoptive parent
who ;aid she was involved in a group that is a
"sister group" of Concerned Persons for Adoption.
They were very proud that they had instituted this
newspaper column. England and California have long
used the tv to "advertise" these "needy" children. ..
The really upsetting - - part is that she told me that
there was-a lot of opposition to the column by agencies
concerned that birthmothers might see their
children. I can only assume that what agencies fear
is lawsuits, since it seems to me that birthmothers
should be contacted. The volunteer said she thought
it would be good if the birthmothers saw such ads because
then they would know that every effort was being
made to place their children (anywhere but with
their birthfamilies).
This from the very same people who are accusing us
of snatching kids out of school yards! On the one
hand they view us as ogres lurking behind every bush
trying to snatch - their children, yet we are supposed
to have no concern for the Jasons of this world!
I have seen this two-sided thinking many times before.
A birthmother is seen as a "Pandora's box",
something that could hurt their children. Yet isn't
their real fear that the children will like us better?
In the same sentence I have heard both the
fear of finding the birthmother in a mental hospital
or in prison, and in the next breath that she might
be married to a pillar of the community and this
might be an embarrassment for her. Only knowledge
of the truth can stop this two-sided thinking ....
Marsha Riben, NJ
WHAT'S
IN A NAME? JOY
For me 1981 was a year filled with renewed hope and
some fear, too. Without the never-ending support of
my husband ROY, I wouldn't have made the progress in
my search for my son that I have.
We went on vacaction to Door County, Wisconsin in
July. We were only hours away from Green Bay, where
my son was born in August, 1969. We rode there and
I was able to confront some of the ghosts that I've
carried with me for 12 years. I was able to make
real in my mind the home I stayed in and the hospital
I had my son in. This heavy weight lifted from
me and I was very emotional, so I pushed it a bit
further. With some diligence I came away with my
son's amended birth certificate. What a surge of
feelings I had, as in less than an hour I was able
to get information that I thought was impossible to
get. And I would have thickened out and not looked
if my husband had not insisted. I was afraid looking
would result in a dead end, and it would be like
losing my son all over again. Now my son has form
and a name, and a1 though he's moved, I have renewed
hope of finding him.
I stopped on the way back to call my mom and let her
know her grandson's name. We both cried and laughed
at the same time. I guess my parents have had some
guilt about the adoption too, like if they'd supported
a different decision. they would have had a grandson to
love. I know they 've felt the loss as. strongly as I
have. I know they'd think twice about choosing between
"shame1' and a grandson if they could choose over. Now
my hope lies in that they may one day meet my son before
they die. Just to know he's well and loved would
help us all a whole lot.
Pat Hayes-Cook, IL
JACK REUNION UPDATES NEEDED/REQUESTED
Ronald B u c ~ w,
b for years was known only as "Jacku
to birkhthers and adoptees searching for family nusnbers,
needs to collect infonration abut the outcame
of the many hundreds of reunions he helped to facilitate.
We do not consider reunions to be "successful" or "unsuccessful"
but rather all are in some way positive
and healing experiences if 'they provided the truth.
If you found a family nvmber lost through adoption
because of "Jack" please send a brief letter describing
what has happened since you received that precious
identifying information. Include such things as the
effect is had upon your life, how you were reunited,
how m y other family members you found because of
your reunion, and yo& feelings about what "Jack" did
to help you. If you have not yet had a reunion, let
us know your plans and how you feel during this time
of waiting.
Your story is vital to Ron, because he needs to know
his work helped heal thewounds adoption caused and
brought corrdort and hope to mny lives. Nothing
identifying in your story w ill be used without your
permission, naturally.
Please sent your letters to: ORIGINS, P.O.Box One,
Bound Brook, LW 08805. Thank you, on behalf of Ron
Bucl-PMnn, our "Saint Jack. "
Alison Ward, NJ
DAUGHTER SHE FOUND NOW LIVES WITH HER--WITH
SUPPORT OF ADOPTIVE FATHER
A little over a year ago, I joined CUB. At that time,
I became teary eyed every time I spoke to anyone
about my daughter. Through the help of many people, I
was able to locate my daughter in only ten days. I
con still remember all my feelings when I found out her
new name. With the help of two wonderful CUB members
who lived in my daughter's area, I was able to find
out some very pertinent information, It was quite apparent
that one parent was not present and we all assumed
had died. With a lot of time and support, I
was finally able to write my daughter a letter. Only
a natural mother can express to other natural mothers
the feelings they go through when they get that important
phone call. One week later, we'were able to
have a wonderful reunion in California. Her adoptive
mother had died when she was 14. After the reunion,
we began to correspond on a regular basis. In May I
was pleased to have my daughter be my maid of honor at
my wedding. During this period, she decided that she
would like to move to California and live with my husband
and me. With her adoptive father's approval (he
is a wonderful person) Heidi moved in bag and baggage
with us last Labor Day. I must say that 1981 was the
biggest year of my life. I found my daughter, got
married, and my daughter moved in with us. We have

-~
had our ups and downs, but I absolutely have no regrets
wondrous happening--and it is wondrous! No miracle of
and I must say I have never been happier--the pain in
God ever met with so much joy and relief, or disbelief 1
-- -
.
~
my - chest is gone forever.
I cannot imagine that I should be feeling anything 0ther
than happiness and hoped you could tell me what
I would like to hear from natural mothers who were
staying on Lakewood on Staten Island during July 1961.
other mothers have experienced under these circumstanthrough
October 1961 (Louise Wise). ces. If their feelings have not been similar, then I
must assume that I am experiencing sensations and
Hillary R, , CA thoughts I have repressed since this child's birth. In
which case, maybe I do need a psychiatrist.
__________________-----------me--------------
AN ARTICLE BY AND ABOUT BIRTHMPTHERS WILL AP-
PEAR IN THE MAY ISSUE OF WOMAN S LIFE1 IF
YOU DON'T s ON YOUR NEWSSTAND, REQUEST
OR
$3 IE.45 g END To DE ON $ HIRE COMMUNICATIONS
Ei !9 STtj NYj NY
............................................. I. Ol
A month later, Marti wrote:
ATTENTION: GROUP LEADERS, ADMINISTRATORS,
PROFESS
IONALS, STUDENTS
The younger parents and youths in our "B. E .T. on Youth"
program have been learning typesetting, typing, filing,
and machine transcription under the tutelage of Lee
Campbell.
Now, in an effort to keep the program financially solvent,
and to enhnce training, Kate, Laurie, Roxi,
Sandy, Tina and Wayne offer you their services.
They can typeset your newsletters, oversee the printing,
then collate, staple, fold, address, mail. Papers,
letters, reports, and a multitde of other
secretarial and clerical tasks can also be performed
for you--at prices the cost-conscious person shouldn't
didss. And, as a hurm being concerned about
others, you' 11 enjoy lmowing that giving them your
business makes a positive contribution in the lives of
young families and other youths who are eager to
hreak the welfare cycle.
Send us your mrk by mail. We'll do it up and mail it
back to you or to whrever you wish. Your satisfaction
guaranteed.
For mre informtion, call Lee at (603) 749-3744 or
drop her a note at: 595 Central Avenue, Dover, New
-hire 03820.
THE FOLLOWING LETTERS WERE WRITTEN TO LEE BY
A BIRTHMOTHER WHO WAS FOUND BY HER ADULT
DAUGHTER1 THANK YOU, MARTI, FOR AGREEING TO
SHARE THEM WITH OTHERS,
This is a cry for immediate assistance!
My daughter, whom I had surrendered for adoptj.on 27
years ago, contacted me five days ago by phone. Needless
to say, I am ecstatic1 The most I had ever dared
to hope for was that someday I might know that she had
been all right. I have told everyone in the family
and they are as delighted as I am.
If you have literature on this subject, I would appreciate
very much receiving it as soon as possible. or,
if someone could just drop me a note and say, "Youtre
okay. " Or, call me collect at home with reassurance.
I would like to express my appreciation of your personal
note and also my apologies for not writing sooner.
I did speak with Joyce Villaneuva here in Denver and
also with Shirley Bingham, another natural mother, before
I left for San Diego to meet my daughter, Dee.
It was a great help!
I was able to understand, and work through, many of the
conflicting emotions I was experiencing at the time I
wrote, and eventually did realize that all the emotions
I had not "allowed" myself at the time I surrendered
Dee for adoption were springing forth, multiplied by
tens.
Grief--because the child was "deadv to me.
Anger--at circumstances, at the doctors, and the world
in general.
Gull t--because 'I was weak to give up my child.
Fear---for what would happen to my child.
These repressed emotions were accompanied by, and complicated
by, the very real and natural emotions of the
present. But, joy was overriding!
My reunion with Dee was quite stralned because we had
chosen less than ideal circumstances, with friends and
other family members present. I choose to believe
that it would have been better had we been alone for
even a brief time in the beginning. I do, however,
know now that the "reunlonf' is not the final step--it
is just another phase.
Whether or not we have an on-going relationship will
depend entirely upon Dee's wishes. I would very much
like her to take her place in the famfly as though she
had never been gone, but this is idealistic thinking.
If, on the other hand, she chooses not to have a relationship,
I am prepared to "let her gov again since I
did, after all, surrender all rights to her 28 years
ago. The hurt would be great, but I must remember
that I had never expected to see her and, in the past
two months since she first called, I have had so much
more than I felt I ever deserved, or ever dared hope
for.
I would hope I could help others, both natural parents
and adoptive parents, with the understanding I have
But--I do need help1 My emotions are so conflicting
gained in such a brief time. I certainly don't purport
and overwhelming that I wonder if I need psychiatric
to be an expert but...is anyone?
help. I experience intense rage which is directed at
Marti Kennedy, CO
strangers and fellow employees; terror momentarily
When Marti wrote to me to give her permission to use
when the phone rings with the thought that "someone
her name, she wrote:
has died"; confusion and inability to concentrate; a
.
feeling whicl~ is not unlike grief1 failure to under- .... It has occurred to me that every case of this kind
stand what must be done and/or how to do it, both at: is so unique that each must present an entirely differhome
and at work. These emotions are all intermittent ent set of problems. There seem to be as many stories
in nature but completely unpredictable, and completely as there are individuals. I can't help but feel that
devasta tiny!
there are many common threads, even so, and if my
I realize that all these emotions would seem to give thoughts and feelings will make it. easier for anyone
lie to my statement that I am very happy with this
else, I am happy to share. It has been a great help
for me to know that others experience the same tremen-

dous emotional upheaval and that I really have not lost
my sanity.
It has been 2.4 months since Dee first called me, and I
cannot say that the intensity of emotion has decreased
at all, bet it has ceased to consume me 24 hours a day,
every day. Some days I can actually function normally.
Some nights, I can really sleep for 6 or 7 hours. Not
many, but some 1
I feel I have made progress in working through the very
real emotions of today. However, on occasion, X am
overcome with a tremendous "mother insti nctl' which is
the same feeling I had when the children were babies.
But, what do you do with this instinct when your "new"
child is nearly 28 years old? It is all very confusing.
It's a lot of fun--and a lot of heartache1 It's
a lot of work, a lot of gratification, and much regret.
It involves some disappointment and much disbelief.
There are two things it is NOT...It is not easy...It
is not dull l
. ~ 1 f could talk to everyone who is still searching; I
would tell them that the "finding" does not end the
agony. This is where the work starts, and where the
dreams end, and where reality is stark1
Thanks for listening (reading?). If I can be of assistance
to anyone, please feel free to contact me.
Marti Kennedy, CO
..............................................
A GIFT OF LOVE -- PART TWO
CAROL GUSTAVSON, CUB'S ADOPTIVE PARENT LIAI-
SON) WROTE THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF HER CON-
TACT WITH HER DAUGHTER SUE S BIRTHMOTHER FOR
OUR JANUARY NEWSLETTER, AN INITIAL CONTACT
OR REUNION) THOUGH, IS NOT JUST AN EVENT IN
LIFE, BUT THE BEGINNING OF AN ONGOING PROCESS
FOR ALL THOSE INVOLVED, HERE) CAROL SHARES
THE NEXT STEPS FOR SUE AND HER MOTHERS,
The several days of waiting for Virginia's phone call
allowed us to work through the emotions that were setting
in, as reality took over the fantasy aspect of
Sue's adoption.
I recalled a conversation I had with Cindy a year ago
when she was reminiscing about the stages of her contact
and reunion. It was very difficult for her to
let go of the fantasies which had become a rather permanent
part of her twenty years of wondering about her
heritage. She said it felt as if she were losing a
major part of herself as she let go of her imaginings
to face the truth. It took an immeasurable amount of
energy to follow through each step forward in coming
to know herself on a different level. Cindy, and our
son Jeff, had both suffered from a deep identity crisis
in their early teen years. Awakening to the realities
became a rebirth to many parts of themselves.
Sue most certainly would be dealing with much of the
same as communication unfolded for her. However, we
feel she has the benefit of having her questions answered
at a more advantageous period in her life.
Virginia was to call in the morning between 11: 30 and
12:OO on Sue's birthday. We usually allow ourselves
the luxury of an added hour or two of laziness on the
weekends before starting our day, but this Sunday
found all of us awake bright and early.
Rather than the normal chatter, there was a quietness
that acknowledged the deep thought which turned us inward
in the anticipation of things to come. She busied
herself with many little chores that helped to pass
the time, yet allowed her the freedom to go on with her
thoughts.
When the phone rang at 11:30 we knew the moment had
come for Sue to have another wish come true. She had
decided to use the privacy of our bedroom phone for
her first conversation with her mother.
Half an hour later our grinning daughter emerged from
behind the closed door. She was filled with information
she chose to share with us. Learning about her
two older brothers held special meaning for Sue. The
excitement and thrill of the call had her asking us
when we could vacation in Florida so she could meet
everyone. We assured her the future will hold that
opport uni ty for her.
Sue's birthday was a very special celebration. Alison
Ward shared our champagne toast and recalled her joy
in speaking with her daughter for the first time exactly
one year ago.
MY concerns for Sue and her emotions following the
phone call also extended to Virginia. I called her
during the week to see how she was managing at the
other end. Through the experiences of our other contacts
we knew there would be a roller coaster effect
emotionally. For as Sue was in deep thought about
what she had learned, Virginia was also thrust back in
to re-dealing with all of the conflict she suffered in
surrendering Sue for adoption.
Virginia had related to me how much tlle contact had
meant to her. She had just been sharing feelings with
a close friend regarding Sue, the day before the initial
contact. This second phone call to her found her
full of the mixture of joy and pain. She, too, had to
come to grips with the major change that had taken
place in her life. Neither Sue nor Virginia would
ever be the same persons they were before contact.
Virginia had never heard of CUB and I felt it was most
important for her to receive the emotional support of
other birthparents, for certainly, the counseling is
extreme1 y benefici a1 coming from others "who had been
there." Her total joy in being able to hear Sue's
voice and to share with her was coupled with the deep
pain and guilt she felt for surrendering her "own
flesh and blood." Her anguish was evident as she
freely spoke of how unworthy she felt to even hope to
be forgiven by Sue. I assured her the most difficult
part was going to rest in her own heart....the ability
to forgive herself, for certainly others forgive us
more readily than we often do ourselves.
Gathering up supportive material and sending it off
immediately with another letter, I then contacted Mary
Anne Cohen, Alison ward and Carole Anderson. Each of
them was kind enough to share the gift of love and understanding
in their letters to Virginia. Alison made
numerous phone calls until I was able to work through
Jan Clarke (FL), who had the advantage of living near
enough to Virginia to reach out to her close at hand.
Christmas Day brought another call from Virginia as
well as one from Gary's mother. We were filled with
the added joy of having them in our lives to. share
wi th on this blessed holiday.
As the days pass into weeks and months, there is always
the waiting period for the next step to be taken
along the road to reconciliation. Knowing that
life unfolds at its own pace, this unique chapter has
us mindful of one another. It is far more demanding
on the one who has been contacted, for they are most
often on a different level of preparedness.
Indeed, I don't know of anyone who entered this world
with "easy life" stamped on their birth certificate,
but somehow the limbo losses that are a part of adoption
need to be addressed over and over again until
changes are brought about to allow human dignity for
those directly involved in the separation.
~uslling off to sciiool early this morning, our beauti-

ful daughter begged me not to forget my promise to
her. Today's mail delivery should bring the first
pictures of her birthfadly. Of course I will call
the principal to ask if Sue can be excused for this
important day in her life. She has already been told
she favors her father, but has her mother's wavy hair
and long eyelashes, her 16 year old brother's nose and
her 14 year old brother's mouth. How much more meaningful
it will be to see for herself.
TO BE CONTINUED IN NEXT ISSUE
PEN PAL REQUESTS
Carol F. Gustavson, NJ
~arsha Riben, Box 268CC RD 2, Old Bridge, NJ 08857.
Anyone in the St. Paul area who can help me track down
family members of Russell Warren Gould, who was born
in St. Paul April 16, 1933. Father, Vernon, would be
in his 80's. One or more brothers and an ex-wife and
kids. Russell and I were married in 1965. He died in
1968. We were separated at the time and I lost contact
with his family. I need medical information for our
surrendered daughter, now located.
Mary 1 Walling-Millard, 2190-13 Patterson Drive, Eugene,
OR 97405. Phone (503) 485-4156. Desire correspondence
with anyone with information about my surrendered daughter
who will be 19 years old on April 25 of this year.
She was horn 4/25/63 at 7:51 a.m. in Fresno County Hospital,
Fresno, CAI and placed through the Fresno, CA
Social Services Adoption Division. Mother's name on
birth certificate: Mary Coffman. Father: Daniel Coffman,
Marie Cavaleri, 156 W. Burton P'l., Chicago, IL 60610,
(312) 664-0955, Any Chicago area CUB members who are
interested in forming a group to share ideas and provide
mutual support, please contact me.
Betty Hanlon; P.O. Box 289, Canoga Pk, CA 91305, I have
found my surrendered son and am now actively searching
for the birthmother of his adopted brother. DOB 3-5-63,
birthname: Joseph Kelly. He is two years younger than
my son and was placed through Holy Family Catholic Agency,
as was my son. He was probably born at St. Ann's
Home in Los Angeles. I am also interested in hearing
from other birthmothers who surrendered through Holy
Family Catholic Agency in Los Angeles.
Patty Briffett, Rt. 1, Box 517E, Edna, TX 77957. I
would like to hear from anyone who was at the Salvation
Army Home on Lake Ellen at Tampa, FL. Also would like
hearing from birthmothers in Florida, and from Paula,
who wrote an article in the Oct. '81 issue.
LuAnn Hill-Boigenzahn, 1352 Jackson St., Beloit, WI
53511. I am both an adoptee and a birthparent. I am
looking for my mother, Dorothy Reynolds, approx age 58,
and my daughter, birthname Brenda Lee Hill, age 22.
Both adoptions (1941 and 1959) took pl.ace in the Milwaukee,
WI area, I would like to hear from anyone with
possible information, or who has been both adoptee and
birthmother or knows someone who has, I have felt very
alone in this situation.
Patricia E. Manning, 117 Forest Avenue, Springville, NY
14141. I need penpals and search buddies in Syracuse,
NY area. I'm the mother of four, ages 18 to 31. I will
be 50 in September and have five beautiful grandchildren
two of whom are by birth my daughter-in-law's niece and
nephew. Their natural mother gave them to their father *
and he later turned them over to Social Services in another
state. I helped my son and daughter-in-law find
them so I have been involved not only in searching for
my natural father but in locating children too.
Kathrine Loewenberg, 12 Terry Lane, East Brunswick, NJ
08816. Anyone who has surrendered and searched for more
than one child and is interested in sharing these experiences.
Glenda F. Welker, 331 Elysian Fields No., Nashville, TN
37211. I am searching for my surrendered grandson (my
daughter has since died) who was born in May, 1974 in Indianapolis,
Indiana. I have written to the agency, Suem
a Coleman Agency, but the director refused to contact
the adoptive parents for me or assist me. She advised
me to "concentrate on the good times and memories" instead
of searching.
Holly Spann, 500 5th Avenue N., 8717, Nashville, TN 37219
Tina Armstrong, 8439. Colbath, Panorama City, CA 91402. I
would like to correspond with someone in the Clairon area,
male or female, birthmom or dad or adoptee, anyone. Also
anyone knowing Sandy or Charles Ross.
Pate Weiss, Rt, 2, Box 23D, Leslie, AR 72645. Birthmorher
would like to hear from anyone in Ark, also from Pontiac,
MI, where I surrendered my daughter, born July 13, 1967.
-
Joyce Snider, 2418 NW 41st, Lawton, OK 73505. I would
like to hear from anyone who was a resident of the Methodist
Mission Home, San Antonio, TX.
Ann Richard, 910 Vanderbilt Way, Sacramento, CA 95825. I
would like to correspond with anyone, especially those my
own age (281, those in the ~issouri/Illinois area, and
those going through Booth Memorial Home in St. Louis.
Also anyone living near Sacramento.
Susan Gunter, 1036 McKinley, l en brook, TX 76126. Adoptee
who would' like to correspond with a birthmother who is
searching.
Linda Malewski, FAD Box 174, FPO Seattle, WA 98761.
Merry S. Lewis, 170 N. Hollywood K-4, Memphis, TN 38112.
I found my son and last Christmas after not seeing him
for 25 years we spent Christmas together. Thank. you for
your support, as there were many times I felt the whole
situation was hopeless but CUB showed me I was not a-
lone. I would be glad to correspond with those who
would like to know I managed to find my son.
Sarah Stover, Kt. 2, Box 543 Guntereville, AL 35976. I
would like to hear from anyone who surredered a child
through the Department of Pensions and Security in Ala.
Roberta Lee Alexander, 1815 Sycamore Valley Rd., Apt 104,
Reston, VA 22090. Married to birthfather, birthdaughter
age 10 wants penpal.
Robert F. Jortberg, Jr., 34 Hideaway Lane, Sparta, NJ
07871. I would like a search buddy who lives in or
near southern Maine as that's where I was born and adopted
and most likely a Lot of information is in that
area.
Millie Steinke, 8712 Iverson St., San Diego, CA 92123.
Roxanne Ward, PSC ill, Box 21792, APO San Francisco, CA
96230. Birthmother who surrendered through the St.
Andre's Group Homes in Biddeford, Maine. I gave birth
to premature twin daughters December 26th) 1964. One
daughter died shortly after birth. Have reason to suspect
other daughter adopted by a family in Westbrook,
Maine. Would like to correspond with anyone who might
be able to help or anyone that was in St. Andre's Home.
Mairita Bareheld, 13332 Via Stephen, Poway, CA 92064.
I would like a pen pal from Boston area who has had
contact with Catholic Charities.
Cynthia Birnbaum, R.D.3, Skaneateles, NY 13152. I was
born 1/12/53 in Touro Hospital, New Orleans, LA. The
obstetrician was Dr. Perry Thomas. My mother was said
to be a librarian in her mid-20's. Anyone who can help
please contact me.
Would the woman who works at the Stuyvesant Plaza Ins-

! I
I
9
1
urance Company please contact Ann in Saratoga NY again dered child. Also, if there are any CUB sisters who will
I at 584-3034. I have lost your name & phone number. be taking European vacations, I would love to be contacted
in case- they come to Zurich. Please let me know
Patricia Hayes-Cook, 531 "B" Darlene Ln, Glendale Hts.,
IL 60137. I would like to correspond with anyone involved
with adoption through Catholic Charities. My
son was born in Green Bay, WI in St. Mary's Hospital
August 1969 and I stayed in the unwed mothers' home in
St. Mary's backyard.
Kara Lamb Allen, 2214 East Tremont Ct., Richmond, VA
23225,
Gloria & James Rossi, 2213 Proctorview Dr., Utica, NY
13501, We are natural parents searching for our daughter
who was born April 17, 1965 in St. Mary's Hospital,
Syracuse, NY. I stayed at the home for unwed mothers
adjacent to the hospital. She was surrendered through
Catholic Charities in Utica, NY. Anyone who could help
us in our search, please c ontact us.
Sandy Barbera, P.O. Box 999, Estacada, OR 97023. I
would like to correspond with another L.D.S. birthmother
who would understand our peculiar problems. I am an
active L.D.S. mother.
Karen Hendrix Short, 4787 Titan, Santa Maria, CA 93455.
1 would like to correspond with someone in Chicago area
who might help with search for my daughter Cynthia,
born November 23, 1966 at Walther Memorial Hospital,
privately' I have been in search for two years
with no success. I can help with California searches
in exchanae.
-
Priscilla Janvrin, 15 Parsons St., Newburyport, MA 01950
Anyone who has searched for and found a minor child.
Noreen Prill, 7672 NW 5th St,, B-2, Plantation, FL 33324.
I am interested in finding someone in Los Angeles or
Glendale, CA. My daughter was born April 22, 1967. I
looked at the adoption paper when the social worker did
not see and I saw that she is named Karen Walther or
Waltcher, father possibly Kenneth, of Glendale. I will
help with searches in Ft. Lauderdale area.
Patricia Tulles, 965 E. 14th, Idaho Falles, ID 83401.
Nancy Ann DeVault, Rt. 1, Box 321-C, Corning, CA 96021.
Someone in 'the Sonora, CA area. My son (born 8/2/66)
was surrendered through the Tuolomne County Welfare
Department.
Jeff Zoe-lner, R. R. 1, College Corner, OH 45003. I
would like a birthmother penpal.
if there's anything I might be able to do for CUB or CUB
members on this side of the Atlantic.
Janet Lee Smith Alford, 3812 So. Winter Palm Drive, Tucson,
Arizona 85730 (602) 790-7772. I am a birthmother
who surrendered a baby girl born on Feb. 12, 1970 in Tucson.
I would like to correspond with anyone in Arizona
or an adoptive parent who adopted in 1970 from the Catholic
Social Services of Tucson.
Joan Eaton, 4 Grandbrook Park Rd., East Granbury, Ct.
06026. 1 would like to hear from any birthmom who placed
a child through Jewish agency. After she went back to
agency for update how was she treated? My agency won't
tell me anything or let me have copies of what is written
about me. They claim an illegitimate child is better not
knowing, etc.
- -
Bonnie K. Reed, 6736 Cleon Avenue #42, No. Hollywood, CA
91606.. I would like to hear from someone who has relinquished
2 daughters.
Windy Kites, 3240 N.E. 21st Dr., Redmond, OR 97756. I
am looking For two brothers and a sister that like me
were adopted. Charles Wayne
born 6/6/48 in
Oklahoma City, Elizabeth Faye Barnhart born 4/4/50 in
Muskogee, and Richard Stanley Barnhart born 6/25/55 in
Tahlequah, OK. Would anyone who may know them or how to
search for them please write.
Eileen Sarkissian, 340 Woodstock Ave., Stratford, Ct.
06497. I would like to hear from someone who lived in
Forrestville, Md in the early 50's and might know anything
about Richard, who was adopted by John and Rosalyn
Howe.
Virginia Breen, 55 Cutter Hill Road, Arlington, MA 02174.
Doris A. Smith, P.O. Box 8, Blairsburg, IA 50034. I
would like to be able to help Joyce search in the
Chicago area as she found my daughter's birthfather in
Switzerland. Since I'm in this country, I thought maybe
I could help by being closer to the situation and could
correspond with someone in Chicago without the delay of
international mail.
Susan Cameron, 213 E. 9th St., Metropolis, IL 62960. I
would like a pen pal who can help with ideas on where to
begin a search.
Diane Stobke, 703 Red Lake Blvd., Thief River Falls, MN
Carolyn Denoncour Rogers, 3717 Pine Grove Lane, Virginia 56701.
Beach, VA 23452. I was born 2/1/44 at St. Elizabeth's ..............................................
Hospital in Quincy, MA. My natural mother's name is
Sheila Anne McGill Wilson. Can anyone help me find her?
WHO THEN CAN SO SOFT& BIND UP THE WOUND OF ANOTHER AS
Maxine Adams Attman, R.R. 2, Box 286, Kennebonkport, ME
HE WHO HAS FELT THE SAME WOUND HIMSELF? --T. Jefferson
04046. Searching for birthdaughter born 7/23/63 in Utica,
NY would like to correspond with anyone who has dealt sent by Sandy Lott, Morton, ~llinois
with the Schenectady County Welfare Dept, or conducted a ...............................................
search in NYS.
HOPE & HAPPINESS
Anna Janati, 14 Grand St., Pughkeepsie, NY 12601. Prefer
a male, my own age between 25 - 40. A donation has been received from Carolyn J.
Rogers in honor of her birthmother, Sheila
. Martha Smith, 3373 Hawthorn Hollow, Dousman, WI 53118. I Anne Mccill Wilson, for whom she is searching.
would like help in the search process to get things moving
again. My son was born in St. Louis in 1961, but any- A contribution was sent to wish her daughter,
one with suggestions on how to search would be welcome. born April 7, 1942, a very happy birthday from
her mother who wrote, "I love you and never
Diana Selsor, 272 Hillcrest Place, 159 St. and 77 A Ave., have stopped thinking of you, wondering if you
Edmonton, Alberta Canada T5R 5x6. I am looking Eor my look like me as you did when we were babies. I
son, born 11/17/65 in ~alinas, California, and surrendered pray daily I will find you or you will .find me.
through the Children's Home Society. Anyone who has ex- I feel we will one day be able to fulfill the
perience with this agency or with searching in California dreams Your lonely mot.,er, Anna Mae.
I would welcome your sharing.
-------------.--------------------------------.A-
Joyce A. Williams, Freistr. 44, Zurich 8032, Schweiz. I
need search help in the Chicago area to locate my surren-
It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl.
--R. H. Emerson

ANOTHER PEN PAL REQUEST who and where she was. He asked me i f I wanted to call her
or i f I wanted an adoptee who worked for him to call. I
Somehow, this pen pal request fell behind my desk and
was afraid of rejection so I let the adoptee call. She
has been sitting there for over a month, My apologies!
called and talked with my daughter, who said she wanted to
Natalie Roberts Vargo, 1235 Myrick Road, Avian Park, Mt. talk with her adoptive family first. The intermediary was
Pleasant, SC 29464. I am a birthmother deserately and to call her back in four days.
frantically searching for my one and only child, my
The following day I received a call from the Lutheran agendaughter
Edith M. Rapp (s), on August 3, 1941 in Brookcy
asking me to come in. When I got' there all my hopes
lyn, New York Hospital through arrangements made by o
were dashed. I was told that my daughter wanted nothing to
private attorney. The adoptive parents were residents
do with me. I accepted that for about 24 hours. Then I
of New Jersey. Anyone having any type of information
called the agency and asked who had talked with her. It
that may lead to locating her, please contact me.
turned out that no one in the office had talked to her but
Also, I would like to correspond with Laura F., DE who
that a worker in my daughter's home town had talked with
wrote an article in the 11/12 '81 newsletter.
my daughter and her adoptive mother. So, I got the name
............................................. of.the social worker there and talked with him. He felt
that it was mostly the adoptive mother and not my daughter.
ANNOUNCEMENT OF MEETING CHANGE
I asked him if I mailed a letter to my daughter would he
contact her and see if she would receive it. He said she
The California Bay area meetings have changed to the
was an adult and he would. He's a Lutheran minister and
first Sunday of every month (1 to 3) starting on May 2,
social worker, young, and very much in favor of reunions.
1982, at the Fidelity Savings & Loan, 130 Throckmorton,
Mill Valley, CA 94941. Any questions, please call (415) I sent the letter and my daughter picked it up the day
388-2088 or write to Judy Key-Dominguez. the social worker received it. A month passed and I
............................................. heard nothing. I called her finally and she answered in
very short, terse replies and we hung up. Soon after, I
ADDRESSES
received a very short, cold letter saying she wanted no
further contact. That was the end of November in 1979.
Marie Cavaleri wrote to send addresses which might be of She was 20 years old. The minister told me he felt she
help to searchers:
was being a "good adoptee" and doing what was expected
of her by her adoptive parents. He said the mother had
To locate a social worker: National Association of Social not said she didn't want my daughter to meet me, but he
Workers, 1425 H. St., NW, Suite 600, Washington, D.C. 20005 said she
have to because her actions all said, NO!
Attention: Membership Records. Their files date back to
1975 for inactive members and of course they have a listing After that I felt totally rejected. I wished I hadn't
of active members. (~d. note: most social workers do not found her, wished I hadn't gone through 2% years of intense
analysis only to be told I would never be physically
well until I foulld my child.
To locate a' lawyer, write to American Bar Association,
Membership Department, 1155 East 60th Street, Chicago, IL During the past 2.4 years I have felt despair, I've had 2
60637 or to your county or state bar association. ulcers at various times, my arthritis has spread to my
limbs from my spine, and I have been in leg splints be-
To obtain information about the Roman Catholic Church, such cause of it. A year ago I gave up my AWA coordinatoras
names, addresses, pastors ' names , write to Catholic In- ship. I thought many times about parents searching
formation Service, 155 Superior Street, Chicago, IL 60611.
(312) 751-8204.
as opposed to adoptees doing the search and have come to
the conclusion that we as birthparents should try to
.............................................. wait, because we are always ready for reunion, whereas
adoptees must come to a certain time and place in their
MUTUAL HELPFULNESS lives before they decide to search. A~SO, I feel as far
as minor search and contact that we did sign a paper al-
FOR ADVICE AND INPUT ON A PROBLEM, OR JUST TO lowing others to raise our children. I feel we should
SHARE FEELINGS J WRITE To AT THE ADDRESS ON try very hard to allow that parenting to progress.
FRONT COVER, IF YOU HAVE THOUGHTS TO OFFER TO
SOMEONE WHOSE LETTER APPEARS HERE, WRITE TO CAR- MY faith in God has been important in the past 2.4 years,
OLE SO SHE CAN PRINT YOUR RESPONSE OR FORWARD and without it I can't imagine what my life would be
YOUR STAMPED AND SEALED LETTER TO THE PERSON YOU like. Also, my husband has been very good and ~ositive,
always telling me when I cried or was really down, that
"She will call you, just wait and see." Thank the Lord
I'm writing in response to Mary Anne Cohenls letter in the
for giving me a good husband.
February newsletter. In August of 1978 I moved back to
Minnesota after living in California for almost 16 years. I made no other direct contact to my daughter after she
I had gone there 3.4 years after my child was taken away wrote, but through various networks I did find out that
from me by my parents, my pastor, and the Lutheran agency, she got married last June and was living in Texas. I
after they had tried to convince me that I was unworthy to found out her married name, address, and phone number.
raise my own child. A year after her birth I became ill. At Christmas I sent her and her husband a card and a
For six years the doctors cculdn't find out what was wrong. letter, and really came down on her. I was through be-
Finally when I was down to 67 lbs. and couldn't hold any ing sweet, kind, bending backward and feeling bad I
nourishment they diagnosed Crohn 's disease. They didn' t told her. Since Christmas I had been praying, and then
know what caused it and had no cure except to do 13 surger- I received the February newsletter. I started reading
ies, removing all my large intestine and all but 3 ft. of it, then put it down and called one of my adoptee friends
my small bowel, and did a hysterectomy when I was 30. in tears. I pleaded with her to please call my daughter
and ask her why? Why is she rejecting me? I just felt
In January of 1979 I became Minnesota coordinator of AIMA.
like I couldn go on another hour without knorcting, all I
In February of 1979 I joined CUD. In May of 1979 I was
could do was cry big deep sobs, I felt as though my world
on Donal~ue with Lee. In October of that year I received
would come to an end that night if I didnl t know why.
a phone call from a detective from Chicago, who called to
My friend called me back and said she had called Laurie
offer to find my daughter. He called on the 23rd, she
and that Laurie had hung up on her as soon as she found
was 20 On the 25th, and On the 29th he and me out who was and why she was calling. Numbly I thanked

?liincy and hung up. Within 2 to 3 minutes, my phone rang and
the operator said she had a phone call from Brian, would I
accept the charges?
Immediately I realized that Brian was Laurie's husband and
said yes, I accepted. Brian asked, "Do you know who this
is?" I told him I did. He asked me why I had asked Nancy to
call. I told him why, and he said why did I give Laurie up
if I'd always felt this way? I told him it was not my doing
that I was 16 when I became pregnant and the option of keeping
my child had never been open to me. He was very kind
and went on to say that he was getting really tired of
Laurie always being sick, crying, and upset over all this
and what did I expect of her? I told him that I wanted to
know her, talk to her, see her. He asked me to hold on for
a minute. I could hear a muffled conversation taking place.
-
Pretty soon this sweet voice came over the line and said,
''~elip, Joan?" I said, "Hello, Laurie," and we cried a
bit andproceeded to talk for 2 hours. She started out by
apologizing for the first phone call 24 years prior, for
her cold letter, for hanging up on Nancy. But, praise God,
she's married to a sensitive young man who urged her to call
me. She'd been afraid. Also her adoptive mother hadn't
helped matters any, although she's very defensive ofher
adoptive mother, but has decided not to tell her about any
of this.
Now I almost feel as though maybe I dreamed all this, except
that I can now write her whenever I want and she said
she'd answer. It's still. too new to know where we go from
here except that she says slowly, as she's still very confused.
I'm having a hard time holding back. I'd like to call her
once a day or so, write her very often, buy her a dozen
presents or maybe 22 for all the years I couldn't. I want
to get on the next plane and fly off to meet her, but she
says slowly.
Since that day I've been unfit to live with. Crabby,
bitchy, a real monster to my husband. This stuff, all
these feelings, emotions, do they ever end? One minute I'm
up, the next I'm way down.
It does become an obsession of sorts. But I think at a certain
point in all this you do need to also get on with your
life. If you are unable to handle it you should seek professional
help. I have never felt suicidal over this, but
I guess I've been through the gamut of emotion except for
that. I think I have been so ill, and so close to death so
many times with my disease, that I revere life so much I
couldn't possibly think of taking mine purposely. I also
don't think you should ever get to the point where you give
up on your child, because everyone should be able to live
with some kind of hope. But there certainly comes a time
when you have to put everything in to the proper perspective
and get on with your preseht day life.
I feel so hopeful now, and I pray that every mother gets a
second chance like I feel I have finally been given.
Joan Grabe, MN
Mary Anne's Letter in the February Communicator asks questions
that I can't answer. Ivm not sure there are any good
solutions, but I have found what I think are two useful
. tools. One is the Kubler-Ross grief model and the other is
a book called Motherhood and Mourning by Larry G. Peppers
and Ronald J. Knapp. Each of those deal with the stages of
grief. The stages are: denial and shock, depression and
confusion, anger, bargaining, and finally acceptance.
AS I look at my birtnparent experience I know chat I lived
in dcnial, shock. depression and confusion for a long time.
After all, I was told to "forget ." I was told to "pretend
it never happened." I was told not to see my baby. I listened
until I got old enough and gathered enough self esteem
to be angry. Then I YLegan to search. This is an unfortun-
ate stage because our children are alive and yet we can't
"get them back." I haven't reached acceptance because I
still feel the whole situation was wrong. I wasn't helped
I was told what to do without any consideration of my
needs. I hope that those of you who do have relationships
wi $h your children have reached acceptance. However, I
suspect that my whole birtl~parent experience will never be
right. I suspect I will always cry on my son's birthday.
I must add that knowing other birthparent's and sharing the
pain has been very therapeutic for me.
I see that for those who have tried to make contact and
been rejected they must now work through a new and even
more difficult grief. A good healthy case of denial may
protect them until they can cope. Anger and working
toward adoption reform may help them cope, but I think
having those all-important other' birthparents with them
is most important. There is an old Sioux saying, "Only
those with scarred hands can touch the wounded. " We
have all been wounded in a most crucial area of our lives
and we must stick together and support each other. Obviously
even the agency social workers and ministers who worked
with us so long ago and to whom many of us have gone back
do not understand our loss and our need to grieve. We
are supposed to just go on living. They don't seem to realize
that our lives will always be tainted by that experience
and they do not seem to be willing to help.
As to your question about faith. I feel my faith contributed
to making me passive to my surrender in the first
place. It also contributed to many years of passive suffering.
I do still believe in God, but I do not believe in
all those who claim to be men of God. Has my faith made it
easier? Not really. If I could have gotten angry sooner I
would not have suffered so much psychologically.
I guess at this point I need to move toward accepting my
child as lost. I need to do my "grief work." Then if I
am rejected devastation won't be so imminent.
TO those of you who are near those with such devastation,
I pray you have the strength to stick with them.
Judy, WI
I am responding to Mary Anne's letter concerning birthmothers
who have been rejected by their children.
I met my son only once at the agency when the social worker
was present. I asked him to call me but he never has. I
wrote to him but have had no response. I could call him
but feel this is up to him. His environment is very different
from mine and I can understand if he does not want to
continue a relationship.
I do not feel too hurt by this rejection because he is doing
very well. I surrendered him because I felt I could not
give -- him all he deserved, and now I find I made the right
decision. ~his is atremendous relief to me.
I am sorry there are birthmothers who are suffering from
their rejection. Tl~is may not be of mucb help, but think
of all the mothers who have not fourid and probably never
will. I am sure my faith has helped. There is no doubt
that God found him for me.
Dorothy, CA
I'm grateful for this opportunity to share some feelings I
have had regarding the precise questions Mary Anne raised
in the February issue. As you might remember, I am one of
those birthmothers whc vss rcjected a year ago by my then
16 year old daughter. Si~~ce that time, 1 have suffered exrreme
depression, for which I sought psychiatric care, and
unrelenting rrustratiol~ at continuing to have my life manipulated
by athcrs as it was 1'7 ycars ago when I was coerced
inta givicq her w ~ .

A multitude of feelings whirl around in my head, and I hope
they are logical. Somehow, I feel that if my daughter's
adoptive parents had given her a positive, healthy picture
of birthparents, if they had said, "Look, it's all right to
have these people, or your birthmother, as part of your
life--it won't destroy our relationship and perhaps it will
make us all stronger to know the truth and share our lives,"
if they had done that, she would not have rejected me or
become so hyper when I contacted her by phone that January
day. If, when she told them of my call, they had been calm
and trusting, it would have turned out completely differently,
I am sure. I can understand the fears of adoptive parents,
but what a disservice they are doing, contributing to
instability and insecurity of these, our children .
What I did, after a fashion, was contact a CUB liaison who
wrote to the adogtive parents, trying to calm them, share
information, be kind and loving. They have not responded
to three such communications, and I find this intolerable.
Here are some suggestions I have for rejected birthmoms
who seem to have no place to turn. Try to get involved in
an adoptee group such as Orphan Voyage, or just an adoptee
or more to share feelings and ask why such things happen
and what they would want done should they have been the
one doing the rejecting. Search for sympathetic adoptive
parents who might be able to write reassuring letters to
the adoptive parents of your child. It may do no good, but
it can't hurt. They are no threat, whereas you might seem
to be. Stand up for your rights and needs. Don't be intimidated
(which is, of course, easier said than done).
On a more personal level, I believe it is crucial, once you
have begun to come out of your depression, to work at being
your very best self, on concentrating on your worth as a
human being. Think good thoughts about yourself, do good
things for yourself, seek out those for whom you can do
somethi ng.specia1. That is good therapy and makes us feel
good. Be involved with friends who are sympathstic and
reject for the moment those who are not. Stay involved in
CUB, write to others to seek advice or give comfort. As
bad as our situation is, if we look just a tiny way away,
we'll find someone whose situation is worse.
Try, through your CUB sisters in the area in which your
child is, to get involved with an adoptee group or see if
you can find someone who can keep tabs on your child to
let you know how he or she is doing. It is a comfort to
know he or she has not been compJetely destroyed by contact,
as some adoptive parents would want you to believe. It is
unfortunate that we have to resort to these tactics, but
if adoption were an honest business instead of being based
on fantasy from the beginning, we wouldn't be in this boat.
right to cry, and cry hard. An injustice is being done, and
it Is Fine to react to it . Then we have to decide that this
is not going to take control, that WE are going to be in control
of our lives, and we are going to be the terrific people
we are capable of being. We all have potential for greatness
in one area or another, and there's comfort in becoming, in
growing. We have to reach out, not recoil. It is the only
way to get through it, I think....]: still invent phone calls
and reunions--Kristi is always at the bus station wanting to
know if she can come to our house and if someone would pick
her up. How I wish it could be. I WILL NOT give up hope,
that's the bottom line. She is too important to give up on.
So am I. If anyone wants to write, I'll gladly answer.
We're all important.
.
Sue smneciiff, East Hill, Barre, VT 05641
This is in response to Susan, MI, whose letter was in the
January newsletter. I read your letter with chills in my
spine. While our situations are different the feelings you
expressed so well both about your decision to surrender
David and of your struggles now are feelings with which I
am now struggling. Your decision seemed to be based on
consideration of what would be best for everyone. Could it
be that you are also dealing with a fear that your daughter
might reject you for that decision? I KNOW that is a big
part of my struggle. My fear of rejection. I only recently
told my husband that I have a 15 year old daughter. He
was very supportive and I thank CUB for helping me deal
with this through the newsletter. My other two children I
have not told, and that's okay, I feel. My husband is a
strong, self assured person and is willing to handle the
"Ahas!", yet I do not feel that I want to search or let out
the "secret." I think CUB is supportive of us birthmothers
who are dealing and struggling with our feelings and not
searching (Ed. note: Yesf CUB is about supporting each
other, helping, and understanding the realities and choices
involved so that each member can make her - own choices about
what is best for him or her based on an appreciation of the
many possibilities involved). Thanks, Susan, for sharing
yourself.
* * * * *
Lynn, OK
Relief at last, I think I have now dealt with the most deep
seated level of guilt connected with my experience as a
birthmother, that of not loving my child.
Over the years I have recognized, explained, and put aside
my guilt feelings on many levels. My guilt for having sex
was the result of my religious upbringing in a moralistic,
I would say that it might be best not to make direct conauthori
ty-centered society. I handled that one years ago.
tact for a while, particularly if the child is still living
My guilt for getting pregnant was misplaced, I was simply
with the
If you let them know Of your love ignorant of some essentials regarding my reproductive
with the initial contact, they know. It has to be enough,
cycle. My guilt for not getting married came also from
I guess.
social pressures.
I think it is natural to have the rejecting child'take a
I felt guilty for disappointing my parents, but I now recfront
seat over everyone and everything else. I don't know
ognize that their feelings are their responsibility, not
how to combat that, except to make a conscious effort. I
mine. I felt guilty for not wanting to be a parent yet,
am making a effort to my daughter Only and for
.
resenting the interruption. I thought I should be
with those also involved in adoption rather than my family.
willing to sacrifice all my hopes and plans for myself in
It may be very difficult for those with YOU to play second
order to raise a child, and felt guilty because I
fiddle to a missing child. Keep your child in your heart
willing to do that. I now feel that my reaction was normal
and try be !lour best that if the day comes when and for me represented my struggle to survive emotionally. .
he or she changes heart, you'll be ready.
Even though I felt that adoption offered the best possible
My faith has sustained me, but it hasn't made the hurt any
life for my son, the sdme society that encouraged that
easier to bear. I believe we are bound together by our rechoice
simultaneously whispered, uHow could any mother do
lationship, which no one can change. I her mother, and that?'' ~h~ result? M~~~ guilt l now reject that guilt
I have to believe that one day she will want to know me. It
...for making the choice that allowed both of us to have a
may take work to put aside all the bad feelings her adoptive
better life.
family has, but I'd be destroved - if I allowed mvself - to
think-she would never want to see me. But one great big guilt kept nagging at me. CUB meetings
did not help because no one else seemed to share my feel-
. ... .What you might share with our sisters is that it's all

ings. Other birthmothers felt they had been forced to surrender
their babies, or felt they - had to choose adovtion out
DEAR WORD
02 love for their babies. NO one else said that sic did not Because that's who lld like to share this with. .. .to tell
love or want her baby. I felt like a fraud at those meetings, everyone of the miracle in my life this past week.
I could share all the other feelings - and know I was understood,
but how could I expect those loving mothers to under- I surrendered a daughter for Over 17 Years ago. A
stand my not loving my child, when I didn't understand. I devastating loss, and until now only a deep pain in my
felt there must be something terribly wrong with a person heart. I've been active in adoption reform for several
who did not love her own child.
years and as a result of my education about ado~tion and
the needs of everyone in the triangle, I searched for and
I believe that I made a responsible decision in spite of emo- located my daughter three years ago. This December during
tional currents that threatened to overwhelm me. I made
the always-difficult time of her birthday, I wrote her a
L that decision at an early stage of my pregnancy, a stage at letter. How different is 17 than 181 I reasoned and somewhich
bonding seldom occurs. Non-loving feelings were per- how I could NOT wait any longer. It was brief; I said who
fectly normal at that stage, even without the added turmoil I was, where I was, that I wanted her to have the choice of
in my life. Having made my decision, I never for a moment contacting me when/if she wanted. Her adoptive father died
- allowed myself to establish the emotional bonds with my child two years ago and I had learned through a "poll" that her
that I believed would make things worse. Thus the cycle be- adoptive mother was receptive to the idea of adoption search.
gan: I did not feel love, I felt guilty about it, such a
terrible person was unworthy to raise a child., the best I mailed my "hope" on December 22 and waited. And waited.
thing for us both was to let someoneelse raise him. So I In February a little anger set in. Couldn't she at least
refused to become attached to him and continued to feel
write and say "buzz off?" So I sent her a "thinking of you"
guilty. I did a magnificent job of tearing myself down. valentine.
I feel there is a difference between loving someone and car- During school vacation I took my boys to visit my cousin and
ing about someone. While I did not love my son, a person family. Her husband is the doctor who delivered my daughter
I never allowed myself to know, I did care about him enough Margaret and unbeknonst to anyone, arranged her adoption by
to make some choices which I honestly believed were best for his cousin and wife, who were in their late thirties and
him too. That caring feeling has remained with me through childless. He had never told me anything about her until
the years and allows me now to cast away the guilt with
after my search. Then, of course, he kept me inforuled a
which I punished myself for years. here is no reason to little about her wellbeing, which gave me some peace.
feel guilty for thinking of myself. Through an emotionally During the visit I learned that Margaret had become pregnant
threatening situation I survived and also managed to make last year, married, and had a baby boy on January 91 I
choices for my son's future. For me it was right. I hope thought (for the 83rd time in 18 years) that I mightdie.
to meet my son someday; I believe I have the right to want Further thought and wonderful help from my CUB friends let
that.
me see the good things in this development.
If you, too, have these feelings and would like to share I learned this on Thursday, February 25; by Sunday after a
them, put them on paper and reply through the newsletter or CUB meeting I'd decided to phone Margaret. On Monday at 4
write to me through the Toledo, Ohio branch.
p.m. I was sitting on my couch mentally composing what I'd
Carrie Baum, OH
WANTED :
Anyone with music and/or lyric writing talents to write a
song about adoption. Dontact: Marsha Riben, 268CC RD2,
Old Bridge, NJ 08857. (210) 251-5411,
.................................................
MEETING ANNOUNCEMENT
Suzanne Rubin, CUB Representative in Los Angeles, wrote to
say that there are now monthly CUB meetings in Los Angeles
County. Write to: CUB, 11514 Ventura Blvd., Suite A,
Studio City, CA 91604. Suzanne's phone number is (213)
769-7497.
NEW Y ORK LEG IS LAT I ON PROPOSED
A new member who is not a member of the adoption triangle,
Edward Branca, wrote to alert us that New York is considering
, a bill, S.8072, that would give separated siblings the right -
to be reunited as adults. if there is a medical-need,
brothers and sisters could be reunited as children.
say to her, that I would call on Wednesday (my free day of
the week, so if the call went badly I could stay home and go
quietly ineane) when the phone rang, and I heard, "Susan?
This is Margaret. II
We talked for a VERY long time. She had written to me three
days before the valentine came and the letter was LOST in
the mail. So on Wednesday I went to Maine and we met--what
a word for such a tremendous moment1 You've seen the bumper
stickers saying, "Have You Hugged Your Kid Today?" Well, I
did. Her brothers in the morning and my "baby" in the later
morning, And held my beautiful grandson. And met a wonderful
lady who regretted my loss but told me how wonderful
Margaret was and that this was a good day for her too and
that "everything was going to be alright now.'' And a sonin-law
(with two mothers-in-law, poor guy). My husband and
sons hope to meet this new part of our family soon. I left
SO reluctantly, but this is only the beginning for us all.
...."With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it IS
still a beautiful world." Be happy with me and with the
lovely young woman I've finally been able to hold in my arms
and tell that I love her.
--L-------------------------------------------
Sue Daggett, CUB Treasurer, NH
The bill was proposed as a response to the 1980 case of the
19 year old triplets who were separated by adoption and IN ALL OF MANKIND'S HISTORY, THERE HAS NEVER BEEN
we&? later reunited by accident..
MORE DAMAGE DONE THAN BY PEOPLE WHO "THOUGHT THEY
The bill would not force agencies to place siblings together WERE DOING THE RIGHT THING , I1
nor would it mandate that adoptive parents be informed that
the children they adopt have siblings. The bill applies only
--SCHULTZ "PEANUTS"
to siblings a.t the time of adoption, not to siblings who were ..............................................
born after thc adoption.
O P E N M I N D S , O P E N R E C O R D S .
Those who wish may write to: Senator Mary Goodhue, Room 707,
~egislative Office Building, Albany, NY 12247; Assemblyman ..............................................
Albert Venn, Room 422, Legislative Office Building, Albany,
NY 12248; and Senator Joseph Pisani, Room 505, The Capitol,
Albany, NY 12247.

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REPRESENTATIVES
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B8UNCHES
JOB KEX'RIPTION: Educator of COB and b~rthparenthood a~*.rthin 100 mile ,108 DESCRIF7'iC)K Edu!:ator of CUB and birthparenthood within 100 mile
radius of area. Does not handle monev or keep books.
radius ot aree a!itl crov~der of services for birthparents.
QUALIFICATIONS: Energetic, artsuiate. resourceful: willing to solicit
covl rage; adhere CUB gmls & ~ hiloso~h~:
media QUALIFICATIONS, slated ufidrr r~prc~esta~ives, Aiin fire area nlembers.
make a 2 Year cnmmitrrlfnt lo three of whom are willing to assume 2 year pos~tions of Coordinator, Swretar;~.
the position. This was created for individuals who do not yet have a co1.e group to and Treasurer, ktust
,
form a branch.
pPtltion for Brnn&w
k-;:
WOUUI-BE LEADERS: Write to your area's Regional Coordinate (listed on cover
Representatives,
. ALASKA
IOWA
NORTH CAROLINA
Jana Vee Shedlock Jean McLaughlin Stacy S. Miller
7105 Shooreson Circle 2005 Vine St. 4916 Brentwood Rd.
Anchorage, AK 99504 W. Des Moines, IA 50265 Durham, NC 27713
CALlFORNIA LOUISANA OHIO
Randee Benson Claudia Smith Darla Burrier
P.O. Box 15398 P.O. Box 154 26'Laurel Dr.
San Diego, Ca 921 15 LaPlace, LA 70068 Pataskala, OH 43062
CALIFORNIA MAINE OREGON
Linda D. Kane Carol Simpson Mary1 Walling-Millard
235 W. Quinto #2 RFD 2 2190-13 Patterson Dr.
Santa Barbara, CA 93105 hilt on,^ Ln. Eugene, OR 97405
No.Berwick, ME 03906 ,
CALIFORNIA
PENNSYLVANIA
Suzanne Rubin MICHIGAN Chris Frank
11514 Ventura Blvd. Debbie Bryan 2800 W. Chestnut Ave.
Suite A #I79 1201 So. Hanover St. Altoona, PA 16603
Studio City, CA 91604 Hastings, MI 49058
.. (213) 762-4420 I PENNSYLVANIA
. .
MICHIGAN I i Sandy Musser
CALIFORNIA Mary Scholten Box 156
Judy Key-Domin
f
uez 633 E. 11th Street Oaklyn, NJ 08107
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SOUTH CAROLINA
MINNESOTA Carolyn Piekielniak
.?
'%.-..., CALIFORNIA Robin Lee Ryant 2009 Center Sp. Rd.
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WISCONSIN
MISSOURI
Joan Arnette
COLORADO Susan Foglesong R. 1
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WISCONSIN
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Mimi Notestein
CONNECTICUT Cheryl Kirker P.O. Box 11752
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FLORIDA
Susan Daggett
Brenda Rodriguez P.O. Box 64 This newsletter has been
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prepared for distribution
NEW YORK
by Susan '~elhous-~ee.
GEORGIA
Susan Fuller
Joanna Howard
102 North St.
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Officers
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C/O HQ
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Vice President,
Public Education
1141 Independence
Waterloo. 1A 50703
Sandra K. Musser
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Branch Administration
Box 156
Oaklyn. NJ 08107
Gaii M. Hanssen
iqational Secretary
r.!o HQ
Susan Dagget
?rational Treasurer
c/o HQ
BOARD MEMBERS
Carole Anderson
Pamela Bolduc
Lee Campbell
Mickey Carty
Susan Qaggett
Donald DiGuisseppe
Carol Gustavson
Gail Hanssen
Roy Hanssen
Charleen Justice
Patricia Lbm urphy
Sandra Musser
Patricia Palmer
Patricia Patti
Mary Jo Rillera
Kathy Sawyer
Dr. Phyllis Silverman
Sandee Tuccio
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213 S.W. Flynn Drive
I Ankeny, IA 50021
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I Carol Gustavson
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Uaison Cornrni ttee ChairpersoncloHQ
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1 Family Advacacy
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CUB Sister Coordinator -
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'
.
Dear Friends,
I hope my fellow northerners are enjoying the ushering in of warm
spring breezes as much as I am. It's been a bleak, tremendously
snowy winter in m home state of New Hampshire - to which I'm
delighted to say, 1.6 ood riddance".
A segment of a television series I did for a Dallas station has
surprised me by becoming syndicated in various cities around the
country. Had I known that was to be its fate, I would have alerted you.
If it aired near you, I hope you caught it.
Marsha Riben, N.J., tells me an article she wrote on birthmothers
will be printed in the May issue of Women's Life (Devonshire Com.
Ltd., 22 E 49th St., New York, New York 10017, $1.95). Do try to get a
copy and commend the publishers, please.
The paper on our research is now underway. I'll let you know which
publication picks it up. I'm very excited about these findings - the
first follow-up inquiry about surrender's impact. Fascinating!
We CUB leaders have always been so busy "doing" that we've
neglected the reporting of our doings. To redeem ourselves, we've
finally assembled an Annual Report, which is actually a five year
report. Complete with a melt-your-heart poster of the moms and
babes who were a part of our 198C-1981 B.E.T. on Young Parents'
program, it is available free.(But, if you would generously send $1.50
to cover printing, envelope and postage, it would help our skim~v
budget so much.) For your copy, write: PosterlRe ort, CUB'S Dover
Office, 595 Central Avenue, Dover, New Hamps 1 ire 03820. You'll
love the poster and you'll be so proud of our accomplishments!
Applause to Dr. Elizabeth Omand, PA. '(see also March
Communicator) for putting together in short time a very good paper
on adoption and for then journeying to D.C. to present it at a forum
sponsored b
K
the Office of Adolescent Pregnancy Programs. To fully
appreciate t is endeavor you need to realize that OAPP's director,
Marjorie Mecklenberg, was a founding director of an opposition
group and is well-known for her work to aggressively encourage
family separation by adoption for younger mothers.
Janet Scarpati of N.Y. shared an interesting analogy with a feminist
group, which I pass along for your consideration. Wrote Janet: "...I
compare us with women who were told they needed complete
rnasechtomies and followed this advice. After they had time to talk
with others and consider alternatives, they discovered it wasn't
necessary in the first place. "
I fly to Michigan soon to be a part of the nation's first conference on
Open Placement adoptions. This all came about as a result of letters
. we'd received from mothers who wanted to consider adoption but
knew there was no heavenly reason they should endure the lifelong
sentence of closed adoption.
There's still time for you to be a part of the AAC Conference in San
-
Antonio June 3-6. Write Kathy Silber, Lutheran Social Services, San
Antonio, 78202. Remember to put on your agenda the special
workshop CUB is sponsoring on feminism and our wine and cheese
party. Hope to see you there!
I received several thoughtful letters about my "apathy column"
(February's Communicator). I'll share excerpts next month. Also,
next month look for the opportunities and job descriptions of new
positions opening up in CUB.
Till then ........
-....- Sincerely,
, '.
I
CUB AT SAN ANTONIO
I
We'll be hosting several special gatherings for
CUB friends during the AAC conference June 3-6.
Friday June 4th at 6:00 we'll all gather in the CUB
suite to discuss adoption from a feminist
perspective (see April Communicator).
Following the AAC General Session Friday night,
CUB Leaders will get together to discuss ways we
can further develop leadership to enhance our
work.
After the banquet on Saturday June 5th, we'll all
celebrate our unity and progress with wine and
cheese.
Tokens of admiration and appreciation will be
extended to visible birthparents during the
conference (wear your t-shirt, turn your bumpersticker
into a banner, speak out....)!
ABOUT RENEWALS: In order to make sure you
don't miss any Communicators, please renew two
months before the expiration date on your mailing
label. If renewing through a branch, renew three
months earlier.
MOVING? Send us your new address six weeks
ahead of time, if you can. Bulk-mail does not get
forwarded.
MISS AN ISSUE? Send $1.00 for each missed
issue. We'll send it out first class.
Please remember that although renewals, address
changes, and back issues are handled by
Headquarters, submissions for the Communicator
should be sent to Carole Anderson, Editor, at her
address (front cover). If you would like to send a
letter or article you wrote, a news clip, or a pen pal
request, please be sure to tell Carole whether or not
you would like your full name and address listed. If
you don't specify, your first name and state will be
used. Include the name and address of the
publication for any news clips, along with the date
published. Thank you!
IF YOU WANT YOUR SHIP TWCOME IN, YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE
WAVES
C:opyrigf\t 1982 by Concern~:d Uni tcd BirtI~parents. Tnc.
liIt~m!,er:;hi~p dues $15.01) dnnuall y .
ill]. I.~.;;)ILs !:i:sc?rvt.d.

IN THIS ISSUE,'I.
Presidentls Comments........................l Pen Pal Requests .............................. 6
The Gift of Love, Part Three................2 Looking Inward. ............................... 7
Adopteest Best Interests....................3 Book Review: Adoptive Kinship ................. 8
Before You Contact Your Minor Child.........3 Announcement re: Our Bodies, Ourselves........8
Birthparents Advised of Little Known Regis- Mutual Helpfulness: Dealing with Rejection .... 9
try ...................................... 4 Needing a Lawyer, Advice. 12
New CUB Group Forming ....................... 4 Single Dad Wins Custody of Daughter ........ i.12
Bargain Baby Ad.............................4
Attention: Group Leaders, Administrators,
Oregon &B Group Gets Underway .............. 5 Professionals, Students.................12
T.V. Show ItGift of ~ife"....................5 Doing Time ................................... 12
A Grandmother's Story ....................... 5 The Editor's Corner..........................13
Hope & Happiness 6 Literature/Gifts 14
THE GIFT OF LOVE
............................
PART THREE
courses.
.............................
My thankfulness for Sue's two friends sharing in this
The fresh snow on the ground accepted the impression of special time in her life comes from the fact that they
my footprints as they followed me down to our rural are showing a sincere interest, not just saying,
mailbox. My heart was happy as I reached in and found "hat's nice," as they have done before. hey are learna
larae manilla envelope etuffed with what I knew would ing and growing with Sue* Of course will
be the pictures. The familiar handwriting belonged to never be able to totally understand an experience they
Jan Clarke. Bless this loving, sensitive woman for all have never lived, but their awareness is very supportive
her efforts on our behalf. The envelope was reinforced in bringing warm comfort to Sue.
with added posterboard, well-taped, and stamped, ''Spec- 1 could see how relaxed Sue had become in sharing her
ial Delivery." How deserving1 Only we who know, and family pictures with her friends. Wild excitement had
are in tune with a moment like this, can appreciate how all of us pinning, when Sue discovered the picture of
precious the contents are and how vulnerable we are to her 14 year old brother, taken when he was in the state
wild thoughts of mail being lost in the shuffle of at- finals in roller skating competition. Such happy
tempts to reach us. The envelope was addressed to laughter when her friends commented, "No wonder you're
Carol/Sue Gustavson. I must admit to the momentary such a good skater--it runs in your familylfl
feeling of wanting to open it up in my own excitement.
This was such a fleeting thought as I ran back to our Each snapshot was thoughtfully digested. Virginia had
home to make a phone call asking permission to meet chosen pictures of herself that spanned the years, alwith
Sue on her lunch hour. I was told I could meet lowing Sue to relate to her at different age levels.
with her in the main office. Explaining that it dealt Brothers, grandparents, aunts and uncles...not all of
with a very personal matter, and that I felt that the them, for Virginia comes from a large family. There
privacy of my car would be a more comfortable atmos- was one picture important in its own special way. If
phere, they agreed to let Sue out of school.
Virginia had been able to keep her daughter, she would
have named her Sue after her sister1 Aunt Sue was
I arrived a few minutes before her lunch hour and won- smiling at us the chosen pictures.
dared how she would lock as she came through the door.
Moments later, she appeared with two of her best It was time for Sue to get back to school for whatever
friends. The practiced, nonchalant walk, so awkward time remained in her lunch period. She told me she had
that I felt close to a giggle, did not escape me be- taken out a hall pass to enable her to share her piccause
I remembered all too well the times I had walked tures with her social studies teacher. He has been a
the same way during my lifetime. Especially on the day source of uplifting understanding for Sue as she goes
we had our first meeting at the adoption agency. To on with her life. His personal interest in her, and
walk in awe of the important day is an attempt to cover her special place in life, moved her to share much with
up the deep underlying feelings that tie you up in knots. him. So many happenings and people are at the root of
her desire to achieve, to the best of her ability, the
Jants carefully wrapped envelope was torn apart in a development of a thesis on adoption that counts heavily
matter of seconds . Another envelope, holding the pi$- toward her grade in social studie.8. ttAdoption--Solving
tures, was inside, addressed to Sue plus a letter for Problems, Creating New Onesv1 will no doubt take a good
me. deal of effort on her part. I canlt help but admire
The murmurings and exclamations coming from Sue and her the courage and sensitivity Sue has shown as she fol-
friends warmed my heart with thankfulnese. There had lows through on her personal venture.
been a depressing time in Suets life right after con- The ride back home has me singing along with the car
tacting Virginia. She wanted to share her happiness radio. I must call Jan immediately to thank her again
with her friends and her roller coaster took a steep for all that she has undertaken on our behalf. The
dip. 1t is very difficult for others who are not adop- fruitful developments would not have happened this soon
ted to understand the depth of feelings sue was having if she had not been there for all of us. She has devin
finding her mother. Of course there is the sharing eloped a relationship with Virginia that is comfortable
with other adoptees...family members and friends who and rewarding for both of them. Learning from Jan may
are adopted. But what about the friends who really finally enable Virginia to write her first letter to
matter in your life? The Ones You share Youp i~~ermost Sue. The phone calls have held a generous amount of
feelings with, trusting them to recognize the personal sharing, and I can relate to the difficulty Virginia
importance of such a sensitive part of Your life- HOP- may be having writing down, in a permanent way, all
ing doesn't make it happen, for many reasons. of the merry-go-round thoughts she must be going
There is such secrecy surrounding adoption as it has through at this time.
existed for many years, that we who have been directly
Carol F. Gustavson, NJ
involved are still in the learning process. How can we
expect to have others outside of the triangle under- To be continued in subsequent issues,
.............................
stand? We need to continue to find new avenues to educate.
There should be a place for this in family life

ADOPTEES ' BEST INTERESTS
Written by-Lorraine Dusky, a CUB member and author
of BIRTHMARK, this article was printed in the Feb.
6, 1982, issue of the New York Times. Lorraine
sent it for inclusion in the newsletter.
SAG HARBOR, N.Y.--You couldn't pick them out of a crowd,
but adopted people are different. Two traits set them apart:
a vague sense of disconnection or dislocation, and difficulty
forming a strong sense of self. The lack of a specific
heritage, which tells them how and there they fit into the
cycle of life, is thought to be the root of the problem. To
be missing a past might not sound like much, but that's because
the rest of us have always known where we came from.
. "My Mom has really gotten interested in genealogy in the
last few years," one 16-year-old adoptee wrote me, "and it's
fine for her, but it doesn't do anything for me. I'
Adoptees also lack family medical records at a time when
doctors place increasing emphasis on them. At least, I told
myself, that was something I could give my daughter when I
gave her up for adoption.
My social worker insisted that I fill out detailed medical
histories on myself and her father, and I eagerly complied.
Through the years, I volunteered to pass on additional information;
responses to .my letters always indicated that
the agency's social workers had no further contact with the
falllily after the.adoption was made final. The letters said
her family was delighted with her at the time of the adoption.
The tone of the letters was friendly, conciliatory; I
accepte'd their content on faith.
When I first became aware that the birth control pills I
took during my first trimester of pregnancy might have harmed
my daughter, placing her in a category of children similar to
those whose mothers took the drug DES during pregnancy, I
wrote again. The American Cancer Society and experts at the
Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center with whom I spoke
agreed that she should be examined regularly for gynecological
abnormalities. 1 begged the adoption agency to pass the
information Qn to her parents.
I wrote three letters in as many months before I received a
reply. After seven more months, the director wrote and said
that my daughter's doctor reported that she did not have the
symptoms that I was concerned about. I was assured that her
medical needs were being met. Yet when her parents and I met
for the first time not long ago, we wondered on what grounds
the director had made that statement, since Jane--that's my
daughter's name--had never had a gynecological examination.
They also wondered why their doctor'e letter to the agency--
written when Jane had her first outbreak of epilepsy at age
5--never was answered. They were asking for the information
I wao volunteering to give.
As for the medical histories I filled out, who knows? Jane's
parents were not given a shred of medical information; the
only thing they knew was my nationality. Nor waa the adoptive
mother, who has Irish ancestors, told that Jane's real
father also had Irish ancestors. It may not seem like much
to know that you are part Irish, but it is at least a tangible
piece of information for a teenager grappling with questions
of identity.
They did receive a letter about the birth control pills, but
it was worded so casually that it was treated with no serisounese.
Perhaps the director of the agency assumed that I
was lying when I reported what the doctora had told me. We
know that the letter from Jane's doctor waa received because
that's how the agency traced her family to its current add-.
ress, a feat that took from August 1978 to March 1979. Is it
possible that the agency's filing system is so disorganized?
Hardly. It is likely that the social workers were following
the letter of New York State law, which says that the origi-
nal mother and adoptee should not have acceso to each other's
name except for "good cause.'' Although with medication my
daughter has not had a seizure for the past two years, for
many years they were frequent and furious. What are the
,criteria for "good cause?" Whose needs are being served?
Jane's adoptive mother thinks she knows. "The agencies
forget who the primary client is--the adopted person. We
pay the bills and so they do what they assume we want, even
at the expense of the child." Her adoptive father regrets
that he was not more aggressive in seeking information, had
not written more letters. Our daughter said nothing, and I
couldn't think of anything to add.
This case could be dismissed if it were rare, but it happens
time and time again, judging by the stories we hear after
reunions occur outside agency channels. Medical records ore
valuable data for anyone. For adoptees, they have become a
rallying point because no one denies their importance. But
they are only a piece of the whole.
It is in the nature of man to find people one is connected
to by birth. The Italians have a saying: blood seeks blood.
At last, my search is over. The injustice of sealed records
can do no further damage to me or my daughter. But there
are the others. They number in the millions.
BEFORE YOU CONTACT YOUR CHI Ul
THANK YOU TO ORIGINSJ WHICH PRINTED THIS ARTICLEJ
REPRINTED HERE,
These words are intended for those who are searching or
thinking about searching, and for those who have found their
children but have not yet made contact. We who have been
counseling searchers have noticed some grave problems when
the birthmother who searched had not really prepared herself
or others in her family for all possible consequences of
contact. This is especially true in those cases where some
have tried to search and remain almost totally in the closet
at the same time, even after a contact had been made. Because
of several bad experiences we have had with this type
of individual, we are trying to establish some guidelines
for future searchers, which we hope will make healthier
lives and more constructive reunions for birthfamilies and
the adoptees they find.
Anyone who begins a search should do so with honesty, unconditional
love, willingness to accept responsibility for the
consequences of all her actions, and the awareness and flexibility
to respond appropriately to whatever situation she
finds. Most searching birthmothers will find their children
in normal homes, with adoptive parents who may want little
or no contact with the birthmother, but who truly love their
children. This situation has already been covered very well
in many CUB and ORIGINS publications. Most of us who have
found minor children in this type of home have found that
tact, patience, and time are. all that we can give, until our
children are older.
A small, but significant, percentage of birthmothers have
found their children in situations where they must do much
more than write letters, wait, and pray. All mothers who
search should consider the possibility that their child
may be one who is in dire need. Birthmothers have found minor
children who were abused, rejected by adoptive families,
institutionalized, or lost in the foster care system. Some
of these children have physical or mental handicaps and were
never adopted, while others suffer emotional scars because of
rejection by their adoptive families.
Some of these children were wanted as infants, but were
thrown out when they became adolescents. Others were unwanted
by the remaining adoptive parent after a death or divorce.
A mother who finds her child in such circumstances
must be prepared to do everything within her power, whether
to bring the child into her home, or to provide the best
possible alternative care in case's where extensive supervision
or therapy is needed.

l
Before you search, ask yourself: If I found my child never
adopted, returned to the agency, or unwanted by the adoptive
parents, would I be willing to bring that child fully into
my current family life? If you cannot honestly answer yes
to this question, you are not ready for search or contact.
Undertaking a search, especially for a young person, should
be the sign of a deep moral commitment to do whatever is best
for that child, and an assumption of responsibility and open
acknowledgement of kinship. No mother should search merely
to satisfy curiosity about an area of her life she considers
shameful, or contemplate establishing a relationship with a
found child that is not based on total honesty, openness,
and pride.
Even if your search finds your child in a good home, with no
need of immediate action, in order to undertake the heavy
moral comitment that any search involves, you must be totally.honest
with those closest to you. Their support and cooperation
can be vital to the happiness and acceptance of
your child, and if your contact eventually.leads to any kind
of relationship. Some of us who help others search feel so
strongly about this that we will no longer offer search
help to those who have never told the birthfather, their parente,
husband, or other children about their surrendered child.
We have .learned from bitter experience that unless a birthmother
is willing to lay the emotional groundwork for a healthy
relationship before contact is made, she is often unable
or unwilling to deal with her own insecurity and open up to her
family after contact. This is not fair to any found adoptee,
but it is especially cruel when a young person is involved. No
mother should view her own child as a dirty secret that needs
hiding from any one, especially not blood relatives. Those
mothers who feel this way to any degree have no right to search.
As you begin your search, or prepare for contact, ask yourself:
Am I proud of my child? Am I willing to share our special relationship
with all whord I love, with no shame, lies, or secrecy?
Do I feel that all my children are equally entitled to wy
love, and to know each other as brothers and sisters, if they
choose to do so? Do I feel that my childhas a right to know
hie birthfather and paternal relatives, regardless of my feelings
about the birthfather? Am I prepared to use tact, love,
and common sense in any contact to my child or his adoptive
parents? Am I willing to make a commitment to the adoption reform
movement, to help others, and to be thankful to those who
aided my search?
Please, for yourself, your family, and your child, do not begin
a search or make a contact until your answer to all these
queetions is an unqualified "yes" and you have put your beliefs
into action by sharing the truth with those you love.
Don't get discouraged. We all start out in the closet, but
none of us have to stay there. We at ORIGINS (AND AT CUB) are
here to help you begin the long, hard journey out of t h darkness
into light. If you want to do it, you can.
You cannot have the joy of a reunion without giving up the dim
comforts of secrecy. It is demeaning to your child to try to
arrange secret meetings in dark places, or to introduce your
child as a cousin or "old family friend" to their brothers and
sisters, or to your husband. Thsse actions are regrettable,
but understandable, in a mother who is found by her adult
child. They are inexcusable in any mother who has instituted
the search process. If you cannot face the truth, don't do
anything more than put your name in adoptee registries, which
will at least enable your adult child to find you.
If you have looked deep into your soul, and have found you
are emotionally, morally, and spiritually ready to search, we
will help you. If you need more time, and support and suggestions
on how to tell your husband, your kids, the birthfather
or your parents, just ask--we have all been through it. We
will guide you however we can. However, if you are not willing
to do your part, don't expect others to do anything for you.
Mary Anne Cohen, NJ
B I RTHPARENTS ADVI SEII OF LITTLE KNOWN REGISTRY
A registry in Oklahoma has not been widely publicized, maybe
in order to obtain data to "prove" that birthparents do not
want to be reunited with their children.
If you surrendered in Oklahoma (or a nearby state--taking
the children out of state for adoption is a practice we are
learning id a connnon one) register immediately. Be sure
that you:
1. List everything you remember about the time of your
child's birth and release that is pertinent. If you were
given an alias, make sure you include it here.
2. List everything you can about your present life that is
an aid in locating you. Do not just include your present
address and phone number unless you are sure those will never
change. Include your social security number, state driver's
license, husband's name, place of employment (both, if
your husband is supportive), your date of birth, etc. Be
concise, but get it all in there.
3. Use outline form in order to get all of this on one sheet
of paper, or use the back of the paper--I would not trust
them not to "lose" an extra sheet.
A. Then
B. Now
C. Permission to release information
4. Be sure that you include a clear statement releasing the
information, as without it they will not notify the adoptee
that a match has been made. Without the statement, you need
not send anything, as it will do no good. A sample wording
is: It is my desire that a11 information contained on this
registration be released to the adoptee and/or his adoptive
parents immediately upon a match, and that no delay be
caused in order to "protectw the birthparent herein listed.
Something to this effect must be included or you will accomplish
nothing.
Joanne, OK
NEW CUB GROUP FORMING
CUB members and others interested in establishing
and attending meetings in the Cedar Rapids, Iowa
area are asked to contact Janet Randall at P.O.
Box 8294, Cedar Rapids, IA 52408. Phone number is
(319) 396-6692.
BARGAIN BABY AD
Loretta C, sent a clipping of an ad that appeared in the -
local "Thrifty Nickel" paper in Midland, Texas. The ad
says: Tired of waiting? "How we adopted in 12 weeks for
$509" and send $10 to Adoption, P.O. Box 50460, Midland,
TX 79701. Anyone interested in finding out what it's all
about and sharing it with the rest of us? Sounds suspicious
to Loretta, who questioned whether this is ethical or legal.
It also brings up a point regarding other newspapers'
classified advertising policies. An increasing number of
newspapers are accepting classified ads from people wanting
to adopt. It offends me to see such ads, right there
with the used furniture and puppy sales. The ads often
say "young, financially secure married couple with much
love to give" wish to adopt a "healthy, white infant (only
'prime' merchandise)" and proniae to pay all expenses,
If you've ever tried calling the phone numbers listed
(they seldom'give addresses), you've probably discovered
that many are attorneys' offices, not young couples. You
may want to write to these newspapers to protest such ads.
SQHE PEOPLE GET CAUGHT IN A BOX AND FIGHT THEIR WAY OUT;
OTHERS HANG UP CURTAINS AND CALL IT HWE.

I
least until she had the child she was carrying, The boy's
mother and her attorney said, "No, they're too young." The
boy graduated from high school and joined the Air Force. I
was in the midst of a five-month illness. The baby was surrendered
for adoption. My daughter bore the brunt and years
of sadness, suffering and search. She subsequently married
the baby's father (they are now divorced) and had two other
Sons.
July 4, 1981, gathered at the Sun & Sail, were all my descendants
plus the adoptive parents with their other four
children. Arriving late, my first glance encompassed all
those people present, then stopped on one of them and I
thought, "My goodness, his father has been invited, too. I I
Then1 realized this was a teenager, Then the truth dawned.
This was he; the baby who'd been sought for sixteen years.
The past year has seen a loving relationship all the way
around. Jim is his name now, he's the youngest of four adoptive
siblings and the eldest of two full brothers. He's a
sports star at school and has been raised in the same house
within twenty miles of my house during all the years of
search.
I shall not dwell'on the details of letting this baby go
afterhis birth--those scars remain forever. But the joy
of finding him was so special as to be almost holy. His
adoptive family entered into all the excitement and wonder
right along with us.
God's love touched us all after years of attending support
groups, of writing letters to newspapers, of my daughter at
Senate hearings in Sacramento. Small things also were done.
Once I even wrote a note to a strange man in a restaurant
who was seated with his own son (about seven years old)
asking him to call me at home because his child so resembled
my family. Needless to say I never got the call--I'm
sure the man thought there was a crazy woman loose in town,
After joining CUB, we found it was probably the best of
many organizations to touch upon our lives and help my
daughter. He was found within a month. The nightmare was
over. ,
I am happy to state that my daughter's other two sons have
a wonderful, supportive stepfather. He was the catalyst in
bringing us all together that 4th of July. All my family
rallied round.
Tribute needs to be paid to Jim's adoptive parents. There
are no words to express my admiration for their sharing and
understanding. To my daughter, for.her persistence and
courage, I take off my hat with much love.
It would be an honor to answer any letters. Perhaps I can
help some of you who grieve, for we've been through it all.
Thank you again, CUB.
Grandmother, Box 21067, Long Beach, CA
90801 - 4067
...............................................
HOPE & HAPPINESS 1
This donation is in onor of my daughter, Liza Shawn Thomas,
surrendered for adoption just after her birth on 4/21/64.
Happy 18th birthday, Lizal For 18 years I have carried the
pain of seeing you and of touching you and feeling that it
could never happen again. CUB has given me the courage and
strength to believe that I can touch and feel you again. My
search has just begun but my love has always been with you.
Pam Gregg Kemper
This donation is made in loving memory of Hezekiah Griggs,
who died February 4, 1982. He was to have married Lucy
pare/, my friend and sister birthmother. Peace and light to
zeke, a truly good man, and sympathy and comfort to Lucy and
her children on theh great loss. Mary Anne Cohen
A contribution was received in honor of her son, Timothy.
Gregory Goyen, born April 13, 1966 by his birthmother,
Nora Thurmond
-
A contribution was given to wish a happy birthday to Kimberly
Lynn Blais, born March 21, 1966, Chicago, IL. Love forever
from her mother,
Marie
Enclosed is a happy birthday contribution for my daughter
Ramona Fern Lindberg, born 3/5/48 at St. Paul, MN. I hope
that she is looking for her birthmother Fern C. Forrey,
708 W. 12th Street, Hastings, MN 55033.
A contribution was sent in honor of her daughter, who was
born January 6, 1964 by her birthmother, A,, of Marion, OH.
With love to Greg on his 16th birthday, April 1st. Joyce
Genevieve Connolly Petty has given a donation in honor of
her son, Christopher John, who celebrated his 16th birthday
on February 12, 1982.
PEN PAL REQUESTS
Kathrine Loewenberg, 12 Terry Ln,, East Brunswick, NJ 08816.
Anyone who has surrendered more than one child for adoption
please contact and share with someone who has done same.
Pat Palmer, 725 Burnwood, Irving, TX 75062. I would like a
pen pal who surrendered in the 1960's at the Methodist
Mission Home in San Antonio, Texas.
Laura Flaherty, 2215 N. Harrison St., Wilmington, DE 19802.
I was born May 29, 1946 and placed for adoption at age 2%
months in Washington, D.C. through the Board of Public Welfare.
Was in a Catholic institution (orphanage?) at time
of placement; birth name Jean Hanley. Anyone with information
that might help with my search.
Helen Powell, P.0, Box 288, Pittsfield, MA 01202. There
might have been a mixup at Pittsfield General Hospital. If
you were born August 6, 1954, are white, and have blood
type 0 positive or A positive, please write or call. (413)
448-8519.
Windy Kites, 3240 N.E. 21st Drive, Redmond, OR 97756. I'm
looking for two brothers and a sister that, like me, were
Before I built a wall I'd askto know
adopted. Charlee Wayne Barnhart (6/6/48, Okla. City),
Elizabeth Faye Barnhart (4/4/50, Muskogee, OK), Richard
What I was walling in or walling out,
Stanley Barnhart (6/25/55, Tahlequah, OK). Would anyone
And to whom I was like to give offense.
who may know of them or can help write.
something there is that doesn't love a wall,
A. Loretta Duffney Chambers, Rt. 2, Box 210-E, #12, Midland,
TX 79701. I am searching for any information of
That wants it down.
anyone knowing the whereabouts of Donald Edward Hunter,
From "Mending Wall
born on April 5, 1944 in National City, CA at Paradise
Valley Hospital.
Robert Frost
William James Hock, 68 Prince St., New York, NY 10012. I
am' searching for my birthmother, Mary Jane Egmond, - who
Have you sent an information packet to your agency? gave birth to me ~pri.1 3, 1947 in ~ake~ort, CA. Please
Details on the Literature/Gi£ts page. This is your contact me if you have any information.
opportunity to educate others to the reality of
Kathy Parker, 21307 Leslie Dr., Graes Valley, CA 95945.
birth~arenthoodr and perhaps to change policies 'Or 1 am looking for my daughter Karen
future mothers.
was born 2 monthr
premature in November of 1962 at St. Mary's Hospital in
6

an Francisco, CA. she was adopted about 2 months later Marilyn Conover, 13 Wilson Terrace, Livingston, NJ.07039.
through the Social Welfare services in San Francisco, CA. A, regards a ~ enpal/~~~rch buddy, I can offer whatever
Iwould also like to correspond with others.
resources or information I have access to--moral support
Yary J. Lintner, P.O. Box 591, Oak Harbor, WA 98277. I and referrals, ~articularly to adoptees in search because
would like a pen pal from Columbus, OH.
that is what I am. I can offer particular suggestions for
searching in New Jersey and New York but cannot actually
Jane Fick, R.R. 2, Box 116, Grant Park, IL 60940.
help search out things, like library work, because I have
Helen Ruth, 520 Canal 87, San Rafael, CA 94901.
two small children.
Kathleen Boushek, 2046 Royal Fern Ct. 21A, Reston, VA Ann Richard, 910 Vanderbilt Way, Sacramento, CA 95825. I
22091.
surrendered my daughter in 3/71 in St. Louis, MO. I would
like to correspond with anyone in the St. Louis area, the
Betty Dumas, P.O. Box 241, Gleneden Beach, OR 97388.
Sacramento area, anyone who was in the Salvation Army
Would like correspondents in Muncie, Hartford City, or Booth Memorial Home in St. Louis from 1970-71, or any ad-
Lafayette, IN. Would be happy to help anyone else for optee or birthparent.
Portland, Salem, Corvallis, Eugene area of OR'.
To write to the following people who have re-
Janet L. Alferd, R.N., 3812 So. Winter Palm Dr., Tucson, quested pen pals, enclose your letter in a blank,
AZ 85730. (602) 790-7772.
stamped envelope. Write: Attention, Pen Pal
Elizabeth Snyder, 1106 North 6th Street, Las Cruces, NM # (for example, Attention, Pen Pal # NH-6)
88005.
on an outer envelope and send to Carole, who will
then address and mail the inner envelope.
arc^ Stern, 3862 Beechwood Blvd., Pittsburgh, PA 15217.
I am hoping to contact birthmother of sibling of my
F. S., New York, #NY-1.
"found" daughter. If your son was born in 1963 and was A. C., Ohio, #OH-1. I would especially like to hear from
.placed through Association for Jewish Children of Phila- any birthparents in Ohio, who surrendered in 1964. But
delphis, please contact me. I am also interested in all letters will beappreciated; all will be answered.
hearing from anyone who stayed at Flo Crit in Williamsport,
PA between Dec. of 1964 and May of '65.
A,, New Jersey, #NJ-1. Although my son was surrendered
through an agency I have discovered that he lives in the
'Pate Weiss, Rt 2, Box 23D, Leslie, AR 72645. Birthmother same town, and was adopted by old friends of my family.
would like to hear from anyone in Arkansas, or from Mich- We have all become close friends but I have not yet told
igan where I surrendered my daughter, born July 13, 1967. him or his adoptive parents that I am his birthmother yet.
Also from anyone who has found her minor child.
It was coincidence that we know each other. I am inter-
Woodward, Rt. 2, Box 427, Waynesboro, GA 30830. Do any ested in writing to someone else with a similar situation.
of you know Wonda Lacy who was at the Harbor Hospital, H. D., Texas, #TX-1. I (female) was born at Edna Gladney
York Harbor Maine in October 19621
agency in Fort Worth 10/1/50. My birthmother was 19 and
Zona F. Parkins, 27532 Gainesville Ave., Hayward, CA 94545 my birthfather was 24. I have my birthmother's name and
would like to hear from anyone who was in ~00th Memorial place of birth in county seat town in central Texas. I am
Hospital in Oakland, CA sometime between December, '54 and interested in corresponding with anyone that could be of
April '55.
help in finding either birthparent now. I appreciate any
help you can give.
C.C., Minnesota, #MN-1.
N.B., Washington, #WA-1.
G.W., Tennessee, #TN-1. I would like help in my
search for my grandson, and would appreciate
hearing from someone in Indianapolis, Indiana.
LOOK1 NG I NWARD
Searching sounds much easier than it really is,
as one first has to search one's heart and soul
before digging into the past.
Joining CUB two years ago didn't seem like much
for me since I thought I had it all together.
Little did I know I had a long way to go. I
didn't realize that reading the newsletter every
month and being involved with other birthmothers
would make me reach down inside myself. What I
found not only surprised me but shocked me as
well. So I started to re-evaluate what had happened
to me years ago.
I was eighteen when I became pregnant. I was
vulnerable and frightened. Too frightened to go
to my parents, so I went to my parish priest instead.
He was a man, a priest, but not just a
priest to me. He was a close and personal friend
to my family--he called my mother "Mom" and my
father "Dad, he was godfather to my niece, and I
trusted him. What he said did not ease my mind
but frightened me even more than I already was.
He told me under no circumstances should I tell
my parents because "the shock would kill your

fatherand you would have to live with his death on your
conscience for the rest of your life--and your mother,
'could she ever forgive you for that?'' Those words are
etched in my mind and in my heart and have rung in my ears
over and over through the last fifteen years of my life. I
tried to tell him that the birthfather and I were in love
and wanted to bemarried, but he wouldn't hear of it since
I was Catholic and the birthfather was not. I felt I was
given a choice--my child or my parents--and I chose my parents,
He made all the arrangements for me. I was to tell
my parents that I was offered a job in Canada, Prince Edward
Island; I would fly there, live with a family as their
"helper" until the birth of my baby.
September 10, 1966, my beautiful daughter was born. Every
day I would walk down to the nursery and look at her, my
arms aching to hold her, my heart breaking, knowing I would
not be there for any of the important moments in her life.
When it came time for me to leave the hospital, I insisted
on holding her. When the nurse brought her to me, I took
her into my arms and held her so close, so close that even
today I can close my eyes and still feel her there. I never
knew real pain until that moment when they took her from me.
I knew pain, r knew hurt, I knew guilt and I knew loneliness
but what I didn't know was that I had created a hell for myself
that would last as long as I live.
When I returned home I had to act like everything was fine.
Ihave also made peace with Maureen's birthfather. After
searching my soul, I realized I had a great deal of anger
toward him. I believed he loved me and he let me down by
letting me go away and not insisting we get married. After
meeting with him and seeing his pain, my anger started to
disappear. He also has never been able to have any other
children and often thinks of his daughter that he has never
seen. Unlike him, I have made some peace with myself. I
have accepted the past and now have been able to look to
the future. I've come to like myself and I now know that I
am a person who has something to offer. I hope Maureen will
want to know me. I will go on with my search knowing that
I am not alone, knowing that all of you at CUB are with me,
supporting my efforts. I have paid a price to search, but
it has been a price well worth it. I hope that you keep on ,
reaching out to birthmothers--helping us--God knows how
much we need you.
Lori, PA
.
................................................
Marsha Riben wrote to ask, Did you know that "Family
Journalu is a national magazine with a bimonthly
column on adoption? They also answer
questions and will print Letters to the editor.
Family Journal, RD2, Box 165, Putney, VT 05346.
- -
I had to "pretend" and live a lie. I must have done it well ................................................
because I started to believe it. I started to believe that
I had done the right thing by listening to my priest. Right
for everyone involved, especially my daughter, since all I
could give her was love. How absurd1 I didn't realize what
I was doing was putting myself down, making myself less than
what I was. After two bad marriages and finding out there
would never be any other children in my life, I moved away
from family and friends to try and put back the pieces of my
life. It was about that time that I saw Lee on the Donahue
show. I immediately wrote and became a CUB member. But it
was quite a while later that I began my search. No matter
how much I wanted to search, I couldn't bring myself to
start and I couldn't understand why. Then one night I was
thinking about starting and I said to myself, "But what
right do I have?" That's when I realized just how much
guilt I was still harboring. I was shocked and amazed. All
at once the answers were right in front of me--of course I
had every right to search--I had paid a high price for that
right--1 was a mother and I would always be a mother, and why
should I be denied what every other mother takes for granted?
So I took my first step and wrote to the agency. I received
a very informative letter about my daughter. I wrote again
and asked them to contact the adoptive parents telling them
of my interest in my daughter and that I would like to be
available for any medical history they would want. An answer
to this letter took quite awhile. They gave me all sorts of
information about my daughter, including her first name.
They told me of Maureen's likes and dislikes. Included in
the letter were two pictures of her. Not recent ones, but
they mean the world to me.
All of this is not all there is. It was just a beginning. I
decided to tell my family. To my horror, I found that my
mother knew the whole time but never said anything because
she assumed I was going away to get married and would return
after the baby was born with husband and baby in hand. Even
after I came home from Canada empty-handed she thought I had
left my baby somewhere until I could break the news to them.
It wasn't until weeks passed that she realized what had happened.
Then I renlized that her guilt far surpassed mine--
that all the years of hurt and pain and finding out I could
not have any more children--all of this--she was blaming herself.
So when I thought I was alone I really wasn't, she
was right there with me. We've become so much closer and I
have shared a11 of my news about Maureen with her, We've
laugh ed and cried together and finally have become best
friends.
BOOK REVIEW: ADOPTIVE KINSHIP
The movers and shakers within the adoption reform movement
have long been accused of opening a Pandora's box, apparently
by those who fail to remember. that the last to emerge
from Pandora's box was Hope.
Adoptees were the first to flee the box's confines, drawing
like magnets behind them members of birthfamilies, and a
few professionals and adoptive parents. With the publication
in the mid-60's of Shared Fate, adoptive parent and
sociologist Dr. H. David Kird was one of the early risers.
If his second book, Adoptive Kinship, generates the interest
it deserves, it may well arouse those whose deep sleep
has suppressed our Hope for timely adoption reform.
Curiously, though, this otherwise up-to-date document omits
the important work of CUB and activist birthparents and
birthfamilies. What it does do is incorporate much of the
studies that formed the base of Shared Fate. It then develops
successfully, through a sound weaving of his on-going
personal and professional evolution, into a highly intelligent
and readable production offering well-conceived and .
provocative perspectives that are not likely to be lightly
dismissed by the opposition.* Before defending your position,
debating the issue, or writing your next inspirational
letter or paper, I suggest you read Adoptive Kinship, .
with pen and notepaper nearby.
Lee Campbell
THE BOSTON WOMEN'S HEALTH BOOK COLLECTIVE IS CUR-
RENTLY PREPARING A NEW EDITION OF THE BOOK
OUR BODIES, OURSELVES THEY ARE SEEKING INPUT FROM
WOMEN CONCERN I NG THE I R PREGNANCY/B I RTH EXPER I ENCES ,
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT OPPORTUNITY FOR BIRTHPARENTS
TO SHARE THEIR UNIQUE EXPERIENCES, SEND YOUR WRIT-
TEN MATERIAL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO: NORMA SWANSON
OR JANE P INCUS2
95
STON WOMEN S HEALTH BOOK
TIVEJ P,Oa BOX I. J WEST SOMERVILLEJ MA, 02 !8k?Ec-
Patricia Murphy
Region I Coordinator
Box 396
Cambridge, MA 02238

MUTUAL, HELPFULNESS : DEALING WITH REJECT1 ON battle won .
IN RESPONSE TO MARY ANNE COHEN'S REQUEST FOR AID ~f I can take all this energy and channel it to something
IN HELPING BIRTHMOTHERS WHO ARE REJECTED BY THEIR useful I feel lots better. ..writing a senator or representative
about proposed law changes regarding adoption,
CHILDREN, WE'VE RECEIVED MANY LETTERS1 MARY ANNE writing to a tv station or newspaper about an article I
RETURNED TO ME MANY OF THE LETTERS I FORWARDED IN didn ' t like regarding adoption, helping other girls or
Young women who may be pregnant and needing help or ad-
THE HOPE THAT OTHERS COULD BENEFIT BY SHARING vice, attending CUB meetings. YOU can't sit around feel-
THEM IN THE NEWSLETTER,
ing so blue and depressed; it's fruitless.
I was reunited with my daughter on September 14, 1981, which Keep your faith, hope for a better tomorrow and involve
was one of the most precious andspecial days I have ever yourself in something you feel good about.
experienced. We spent a wonderful 6 hours together, and
Sandra Sperrazza, MN
shortly thereafter a marvelous weekend together. It's been
downhill ever since.
' Our relationship has cooled, and she seems reluctant to cor- I met my son only once at the Agency when the social workrespond
or call or to establish anything other than an occa- er was present. I asked him to call me but he never has.
sional "touching base." I guess there can be degrees of re-
I wrote to him but have had no response. I could call him
jection experienced by birthmothers because at one point I
' had thought that just knowing that she was alive and well
would be enough to fill the gap of being separated for 194
years. I had thought that our being reunited would end all
tbe years of pain and that I could finally turn my back on
that part of my life, and walk into the sunset hand and
hand with my darling baby surrendered so many years before.
I now see that what I had wanted to find was that baby from
whom I had been separated. Instead I found an independent
adult who no longer needed me.
I had hoped that a strong bond would be there for the both
of us, and I'm disappointed that she doesn't seem to share
this feeling.
Sometimes I tell myself that yes, maybe I should have forgotten
all about her 19* years ago like the social worker
suggested. Would I be saving mbself this grief, anxiety,
sorrow now? Again?
I go to the mailbox every day to search for a letter. I go
to the mailbox several times every day--maybe it was given
to a neighbor--late delivery--anything--and I go away empty
handed and depressed.
I wonder why she doesn't feel the same as I do. She's always
wanted to know me, or so she said when we first met.
I think seeing me and spending a few hours together was
enough for her. That was all she wanted.
Well, okay, I'm trying to accept that but please don't tell
me or anyone else to give up hoping. Hoping that one day
we will have a loving relationship. Hoping that I will
play some part in her future years. I think I'd be miser-
- able if there were no hope. Take away my hope and t/lerels
an empty shell left, with little to look forward to.
I have four sons and I find myself feeling gui 1 ty for the
. loss of time and energy I spend missing my daughter when I
have four young boys who could take all I could give. But
she does exist and deserves some of my time, even if only
mentally. When I get-too depressed I look into my children's
eyes and-see their love for me and try to fill the
void she leaves in me.
If we have faith and trust in God, our prayers are that in
His divine wisdom He will bring us together, in the loving
bond that grew within my womb. That love was God's gift to
us, and no matter how hard they try to ignore that love,
for whatever reason, I have to believe that God's gift wi 11
also reunite in love separated children and their birthparents.
I'm angry again for all that I missed, depressed that she
doesn't want the kind of relationship I had prayed for and
guilty about the tine lost worrying and feeling bad about
it all. My head spins with it and Idonlt know how to release
myself from the spin. But I feel good because 1 understand
why I have a11 these feelings and have half the
but feel this is up to him. His environment is very different
from mine and I can understand if he does not want
to continue a relationship.
The reason I do not feel too hurt by this rejection is because
he is doing very well. I gave him up because I felt
I could not give him all he deserved. Now I find that for
him it was the right decision. This is a tremendous relief
to me.
I am sorry to hear that there are birthmothers that are suffering
from rejection. ..think of the mothers that have not
found and probably never will.
I am sure my faith has helped.
found him for me.
9
There is no doubt that God
Dorothy, CA
I just read your letter and had to write. Your letter is
a Godsend to me for I have needed to express my views on
the topic of rejection for 11 months now and could never
get up the courage to do so.
I am 34 and married to my son's birthfather. I was just
17 at the time of his birth and my parents wouldn't let us
marry. We now have six beautiful children who love their
older brother even though they have only seen one picture
of him.
We found him in March of 1981. Because of one unfortunate
incident where I tried to pass a letter to our son through
his friend, our son has decided he does not want to meet
with any of us. His adoptive parents have been very compassionate
towards us.
When this wound was reopened, upon seeing my son after
never seeing him before, I went through hell. I experienced
the nwst intense grief and remorse I think it is possible to
experience. I really felt the enormity and futility of my
1 oss .
I have so much love to give, we have six children who have
so much love to give, yet he wants none of it, or so he
says. For four months I wasn't able to get through a day
without several outbursts of grief. My 6 year old asked me
why did I cry all the time.
~ u yes, t it is because of my strong belief in Christ that I
have been able to cope. I have spent much time on my knees
pouring my pain out to him. Klnd friends who shared my
views also were a blessing to me. Now, I feel a dull, emptiness
when I think of my son, which is daily. I pray for
him each morning and then I ask the Lbrd to give me patience
for him to come to me.
Thank God that I can write to our son's adoptive mother every
month or so, it keeps me sane. We call him nour" son
and she is very compassionate. I feel the Lord blessed me
on that account.

I will not try to contact my son in person until he is 21
as I do not want to force'a confrontation. . I feel he needs
to .mature and learn about life and others ' feelings. Of
co'urse I have bad days when I cry, but I can push them
back and remember that he is well cared for by loving adoptive
parents. I miss him and I need him, but I must put
his happiness before my own. That was the idea behind his
adoption in the first' place, we were all told. We can never
go back and undo the wrong, so with the help of s kind and
loving Savior, we must go forward and have hope for the
future.,..
Sandy, 'OR
I'm responding to your plea for views and advice for your
friend who has known rejection by her child. I pray my
words can behelpful or at least comforting.
I have been in the adoption reform movement for 3 years. I
am an active member of Truth Seekers in Adoption in Chicago
and a member of CUB and of another birthparent group that
started 2 years ago at Northeastern University.
I found my son 3 years ago. fie was 26 years old when I
found him and very receptive. Our relationship is 3 years
old and there is no outward, obvious rejection but I sense
an. underlying rejection which is unspoken. But dealing with
so many other birthparent9 and adoptees I have found rejection
is a very common situation in varying degrees.
We must remember that no matter how responsive an adoptee
acts, they still underneath feel that they were at one time
rejected by us. They may rationalize the situation over and
over but still feel very deeply that we did not live up to
our responsibility .
I have also found that adoptees of all ages, no matter how
deep the need to know, feel this underlying guilt over loyalty
to their adoptive parents. Mom and Dad will be crushed
and think me unloving and ungrateful. This may stop some
from searching and may cause others to reject when contacted.
I have seen cases of rejection from both sides. I have seen
birthmothers who were terrified of exposure to their families.
I know of one case in which a 50 year old adoptee who
found her mother 5 years ago and was kept a distant relative
with little show of affection and acknowledgment. After 5
years of patience and loving understanding, a cousin spilled
the beans to the adopteels half sister. The sister was
overjoyed and invited her new found sister to spend a week
with her. The sister went to the mother and told her she
understood and was sorry the mother had to suffer with her
secret when they would have been glad to share her pain and
relieve it. The mother is so relieved (that the second
daughter did not reject her) that her whole attitude has
changed from fear to love.
I've known of adoptees found in their teens who have kept
their birthmothers at a distance and a year or two or even
three after no contact have finally come around, but very
I think we who search forget that as searchers, we have
thought this out at great length and perhaps joined groups
and talked it out. The person who is found is shocked. They
are not part of a group, they may have never even discussed
their status with another human being. They need TIME.
Don't give up. Don't be pushy. If we let them know that we
are available and then back off, we could gain their trust.
When we look, we look for one person. When they're found
it seems like hundreds of people are coming out of the woodwork
at them. Mother, father, siblirlgs, aunts, uncles,
grandparents. They have never been strangers to us because
we've carried them in our hearts, but they don't know us at
all.
My son at 26 was overwhelmed and quite shaken by these new
people who wanted to welcome him with open arms. But he had
been a loner, an only child in a quiet, reserved, unemotional
family. After 3 years he still needs for me to back off and
let him reflect on all of this. It's been difficult for me
to do this because my love for him has been held back so
long that I wanted to unleash it all. This made him back
away. Now I have backed away and he is coming closer.
You mentioned the surrendered child becoming an obsession
with the mother. I'm afraid it always is an obsession in one
form or another, whether we search or not,
My recommendation to help this obsession is to work it out.
I found becoming active in adoption reform has been my therapy.
I appear on radio and tv and in newspaper articles and
give lectures to future adoptive parents from adoption agencies
to let them know how we feel as birthmothers. Let them
know we are not some uncaring baby machine who crawled away ..
t %
from our child in great relief saying, "Now I can go on with
my life. 'I
Yes, we go on--but in pain and fear and guilt.
ings for a well adjusted, happy life.
Not the mak-
I suggest turning our negative experience into a positive
experience by helping our sisters in pain. God has been
good to me and given me the strength to bear all of this
and I would feel like an ungrateful child if I did not reach
out to my sisters and brothers in adoption to help.
Depression is anger turned inward. Don't let that happen;
show your anger. Let the world know of the injustices and
fight to get records opened by educating everyone of our
plight.
No more closet birthparents. Let them know we care.
Barbara Gonys, IL
...I have found that many birthmothers have unrealistic
expectations from their children, and in their position I
can see how that is hard for them not to do. I found this
disturbing to say the least. I think a woman has a right
to the identity of her surrendered child or adult adoptee.
However, I think it foolish to go into a minor's life.
I think that going to a kid can put the kid under pressure,
giving him a responsibility he may not be able to handle.
Going to the adoptive parents is silly. They no more want
to hear about the mothers of "their" children than to know
they have termites in their house. Ideally it would be
great to approach them for all concerned. But these people
repeatedly negate birthparents, who were not part of the
contract when they got "theirw baby. Social workers and
doctors are regarded as god-like.
I have heard of exceptions on contacting minors. And when
the adoptee reaches 18 and over I feel it's okay to go in.
Ideally at a time when the adoptee is out of the adoptive
parents' house. In this way it will allow the person to
make separations and not be influenced by others.
I think a birthparent owed an adoptee an explanation but
should look at it as a gift. You give this information
with the attitude that you are giving a gift, and you give
expecting nothing in return. Adoptees never refuse to
know their information, but they may not need a relationship
with their birthfamilies.
It's tough emotionally because you want so much to give to
this person, but there comes a point where you have to'
protect yourself. That is a number one priority, to protect
yourself, because the pain can drive you crazy.
I know I sound hardnosed, but this is a situation where you
never win, if you win on one level you lose on another; you
have been sentenced for life. It's tough but that's the
way it is, so to live in expectations oE reclaiming what
was yours is dangerous. I have expressed my views to sos1e
birthmothers but they are in a frenzy too crazy from pain
'4

to listen, too intense, bet I still maintain my approach is
sensible.
Helen, CA
Rejection is the worst fear of every man, woman, and child.
It multiplies for people such as ourselves who have already
been through-a devastating loss in our lives. It multiplies
further as we search and build up our hopes through meeting,
...
adoptees and hearing successful reunion stories.
Each case is individual, iowever., You can hear about a hundred
successful reunions with children of similar age to
yours, and yours might turn out quite different from any of
them.
Needless to say, we wish that no one would ever need to know
any of this, but that would be idealistically foolish. Anyone
entering into a search must face rejection as a 50-50
possibility and prepare for it as best as is humanly possible,
realizing that if it comes, no amount of preparation
will ease the pain. We hope that by reading this we will
each be more prepared not only to face our own possible
grief, but also that of our sister birthmothers, and that
we might put dinner on the back burner while talking on the
phone to someone, or drive an extra hour to visit with a
friend who needs a good sturdy pair of shoulder'i? to lean on
.
during a time of crisis. .. ..
The most important thing to bear in mind--and the hardest--
when rejection strikes is trying to take a step backward
from it after the initial shock and hurt have somewhat
dissipated. But there comes a time when we must realize
that it is not a personal rejection. No matter how old our
children are at the time we locate them and make contact,
they are also someone else's children and have been since
placement. They are the products of another, alien environ-
.merit. They are the products of whatever lifestyle, morals
and prejudices they have lived with all of their lives.
As birthparents we have something in comn with the growing
numbers of divorced parents, many of whom are being denied
visitation rights either by the courts or by spouses who
choose to disobey court orders. Like those divorced parents,
many.of us have children who are being, or have been,
subjected to much negative propaganda about us. It is for
this reason that the rejection must not be taken personally.
It is not you that your child rejects, but rather what has
been taught about you either directly or in subtle messages
throughout the child's lifetime. Many adoptive parents have
a way of making subtle inferences without even being aware
of it, such as the catch-all phrase: "Nurture not nature.";
Many adopted women have difficulties with their own pregnancies
because it had been so ingrained into them that I
birth was insignificant (or shameful) and did nut make a
woman a mother. It is unfortunate that so many adoptive
parents are so insecure that they think they must.knock us
down in order to build themselves up, instead of simply admitting
that BOTH are equally important. How can you possibly
have one without the other?
Everyone who has experienced a rejection has no doubt already
heard that no rejection is ever considered final.
There is always the chance for hope and growth. b his is
especially true if the rejection is immediately or very
shortly following the initial contact. This is very often
simply a shock reaction. Remember that you have had years
to prepare for this moment. They, on the other hand, have
had years of quite the opposite.
one way of trying to counter this "brainwashing" that so
many adoptees have been subjected to, is by telling them
how bad you feel about their feeling they are in a "cross"
between their adoptive parents and you. Remind them that
you are not competing with their adoptive parents for their
affection, that people can love and be loved by many, in
mny different ways.
Sometimes a reunion will continue on an initial "high1' level
for several months or a year or more and then quite suddenly,
out of nowhere, turn sour or simply cool off for no apparent
reason. This is often the result of one of the partiesr
fear of getting too close to the other. "She's too demanding."
"I don't need another mother, especially not at this
stage of my life." Rejection is very often a symptom of
fear on the part of the rejecting person. Fear of loving.
Fear of giving. Fear of not being able to give. Fear of
being smothered. Taking a backward step and summing up all
of your patience is probably the only solution at a time
like this.
Rejection, however, can also be the realization of a lifetime
of our fears an'd should never be taken lightly. To say
to a birthmother who has just experienced a crushing rejection,
llHelll change his mind. Yourll see," is as cold and
as unfeeling as saying to a mother whose child has died,
llYoulll have another." In both cases, the best thing to do
for such a friend is just to listen. All too often, however,
the person experiencing the grief simultaneously experiences
either real or imagined rejection from his/her
peers. That is, many women are, or feel that they are, not
expected to discuss "bad outcomes" at their regular birthmther
meetings. This is very unfortunate, as the best help
in dealing with this type of grief is talking about it, and
others in the group MUST face it as a possibility.
If you are experiencing this type of grief, talk about it.
Talk to whomever will listen and hopefully understand. If
you can find a sympathetic therapist, by all means unload
on him/her. However, be aware that good ones, especially
with an understanding of adoption, are a rare breed.
Do not be surprised at the depths of your depression. Many
mothers have experienced quite severe levels of emotional
depression as a result of a rejection and have required professional
help either on an outpatient basis, or some have
required hospitalization. However, many others have remarked
that the best help they received was from their sis-
ter birthmothers at their local meetings. Hopefully, anyone
going through such a trauma would have a local chapter to
attend and/or birthmother friends to telephone or visit.
This is of the utlnost importance.
Sometimes women find it difficult to attend their monthly
meetings soon after a rejection. They fear hearing "good"
stories and/or crying in front of the group. This is normal
and natural, and they should be permitted this private period,
receiving much TLC in a more private sharing. However,
try to encourage them to return to the group in a month or
two and not simply withdraw. Many times redirecting energies
toward other areas--such as fighting legislatively--is
very beneficial. In that we they can feel they are getting
some revenge on the system that has done this to them. Perhaps
they can avert the tragedy from happening to someone
else. Keep in touch with these rejected birthmothers and
do not let them just drop out. They need our help and support
more now than ever.
While a rejection is never as final as a death, it must be
mourned similarly. Often in a death there are feelings of
"if only I'd...." which add guilt on top of grief. Those
of us who search should never berate ourselves for what we
should have done differently but rather take comfort in
knowing that we made the offer and by so doing gave our
children an opportunity that many adoptees never have.
Perhaps rejecting a birthparent is the adoptee1s first and
only lndependent act in life, the only thing over which the
adoptee feels he or she has control. While some adoptt?es
feel "honored" at being searched for and found, others see
it as an intrusion. Their feeling is not based on anything
we said or did incorrectly, but merely their perception of
it (based in large part on what they have been taught).
We are all too aware that time does NOT heal our wounds, so
how can we tell you it will heal this one? It won't. But

somehow we manage to pick UP the pieces of our lives and go ATTENTION: GROUP LEADERS, ADMINISTRATORS, PROon.
Somehow.. .with a little help from our friends. FESSIONALS, STUDENTS
Marsha Riben, NJ, reprinted with The younger parents and youth in our "B.E.T. on
permission of ORIGINS, NJ
Youth" program have been learning typesetting,
tv~ina, filing, and machine transcription under
**+** tGi titelage of Lee Campbell.
RWECTION IS A TOPIC NONE OF US WANT TO MINK ABOLfT, BUT ALL Now, in an effort to keep the program financially
OF US DO' LET'S HOPE TWIT THE LRTERS IN THIS ISSUE WIU solvent, and to enhance training, Kate, Laurie,
HELP BIRTWMERS TO FACE THIS POSSIBILITY,
~oxi, Sandy, Tina and Wayne offer you their ser-
AND ON A DIFFERENT TOPICS s , vices.
.
good lawyer in Salt They can typeset your newsletters, oversee the
a sticky situation.' printing, then collate, staple, fold, address,
mail. Papers, letters, reports, and a multitude
of other secretarial and clerical tasks can also
be performed for you, all at prices the cost-conscious
person shouldn't dismiss. And, as a
human being concerned about others, you'll enjoy
knowing that giving them your bisiness makes a
positive contribution in the lives of young families
and other youths who are eager to break
the welfare cycle.
Send us your work by mail. We'll do it up and
mail it bask to you or to whomever you wish. Your
satfsfaction guaranteed.
rules and if he couldn't come to live with me he'd run away. For more information, call Lee at (603) 749-3744
I wonder if anyone at CUB knows of a
Lake City who's not afraid to tackle
I foolishly allowed my cousin to adopt my two sons in 1972
when they were 7 and 8 years old. I wbs divorced, on welfare,
and I'm a paraplegic. They lived in Washington
state while I remained in Utah. I kept in contact with
them, but was only allowed to do so on birthdays and Christmas.
Then my cousin's marriage went bad as her husband
turned out to be an alcoholic so she moved back to Utah a
few miles away from me. Then she got back with her husband
and he's not drinking anymore and they suddently adopted a
holier than thou attitude. By now my boys are teenagers
and starting to have the usual teenage problems. My younger
child decided he didn't want to live by their strict Mormon
My cousin, her husband and I talked it over but they 'always or drop her a note at: 595 Central Avenue, Dover,
came up with "NO way ." Then on July 3rd they just phoned me New Hampshire 0.3820.
and asked me if I wanted him. Did they expect me to say
................................................
"no"? I said yes and they brought him over. They thought
he'd come back in a little while. But he's still with me.
DOING TIME '
I'm separated from my husband and financially I couldn't do
it alone any more so I've even had to move in with my par- the paper here--
ents. The adoptive parents are giving me a hassle every way We need your heart and
I turn. She is a court clerk here in town and has some And your reward is
legal pulls. I do not. They won't give me legal custody of Doing time.
my son but they also will not allow himback in their house you will forget,
to live. SO if they are playing so legal, without any emo- you can have other children,
tional things considered, shouldn't they either owe me child DO, I t be selfish,
support or give me custody?
You won't regret.
I've asked them to please let's all just work together for You have nothing to offer.
the good of "our" son and they say "No way .'* I need to find
time
a lawyer who is willing to explore territory no one else has Soledad, Sari puentin,
had to. So are there any out there who can help me? Does We all know there
anyone have some advice?
Are other places for
Georgia Blood, 672 West 3600 South, Bountiful, UT 84010
(801) 292-7563. In the night, we feel
................................................ The sorrow, the twisting, churning
Of nothingness;
SINGLE DAD MINS CUSTODY OF DAUGHTER
The madness of giving and
The Massacfiusetts Supra Judicial Court in March awarded Not knowing to whom?
custody of a three year old girl to her unmrried father, Noone ever told us about
despite the rrather's wish to surrender the child for adop- Doing time.
tion. The judge noted that the father, who was 16 at the
time of the child's birth, had the supprt of his mther
and grardprents in his plan to raise his daughter.
The girl's mther was 15 at the time of her birth. The
mother cared for her for a year, until she becam ill and
kd to be hospitalized. At that time, the father and his
family ass& care of the child. The nuther decided to
dllw their child to be adopted through New Bedford Child
and Family Service, and the c?ld was placed in a foster
, where her father ard his family were allom3 to visit
her. The agency filed an adoption petition despite
its knmledge that the child's father and his family wanted
custody of the child, but the 1- court ruled the father
auld have custody. The Suprare Court said, "We decline to
reverse the judge's rulizq that it is in the child's best
interest to reside with her father."
Congratulations to the Massachusetts court for suppclrting
keeping lovirq families together rather than separatmg
than.
To accmplish great W s ,
We must not only act,
but also dream,
mt only plan,
but also believe.
by David's Mother
Anatole France
................................................
Wt19TEVER THE STRUGGLE
CONTINUE THE CLIMB,
IT MAY BE ONLY
ONE STEP TO ME SLEmITs
DIANE WESTLAKE

THE EDITOR'S CORNER
A month or so ago I attended a conference at which Dr. Patrick
Carnes of Minnesota discussed family therapy. It was
his contention that therapy with individuals can be considered
almost unethical, because the feelings, actions, and
roles of each member of a family impact on all other members
of the family and on the family as a unit. He felt that
while we cannot haul in a neighborhood for therapy, to see
just an individual in isolation was not enough, and the family
is the most basic unit with which professionals can work
effectively.
What does this mean for us as birthparents7 Most of us know
from experience that changes in us have had profound effects
on our families. As birthmothers'began coming out of their
closets and searching, their husbands and children had to
face fears and issues they had not.expected. For most of us,
the changes that resulted were positive. Birthparents, for
the most part, have been too ready to condemn themselvesas
being of little worth in all aspects of their lives, perhaps
.
as a holdover from the days when social workers regarded as
experts told us we were unworthy of our children. As birthparents
faced old fears, reexamined their experiences, and
spoke openly about their feelings, they became stronger and .
healthier people. This required adjustments by family members
who may have become accustomed to "good old Mom" asking
very little for herself. In most families, good old Mom's
new pride and assertiveness led to positive changes for her
family. In a few, husbands were threatened by the discovery
that their wives had independent thoughts and could be strong
people in their o,wn right, and fought this assertiveness.
Beyond, or rather before, the effects on current families of
birthparents coming out of the closet, searching, or becoming
active in adoption reform efforts, though, what about other.
parts of our families? Since every family is a system in
which a change in one member affects, directly or indirectly,
every other member, how were the families in which we grew up
affected by our children's adoptions? Our extended families?
Or were they affected7
In my view, our extended family members were also hurt by our
children's adoptions, in varying degrees. Our parents lost
a grandchild. Our sisters and brothers lost a niece or nephew.
Our nieces and nephews loet a cousin. Our other children
lost a brother or sister. Not only did these extended
family members lose an important member of their family, but
also communication within the family changed as a result of
the loss, and that change was not often for the better.
Typically, when family members encouraged the adoption, much
anger resulted. The anger may have been bottled up inside
and revealed only in a sullen resentment, or it may have
. been expressed by the birthparent's choosing to distanqe herself
emotionally and/or physically from parents she felt had
failed her when she most needed them, or it may have resulted
in difficulty communicating with other members of the family
, who did not want to face the loss or pain the birthparent
needed to discuss. In some families, the birthparent kept
the child's birth and surrender a secret from the family. In
those situations, family members often sensed that something
was very wrong, but were unable to identify the source of the
difficulty. They may have blamed themselves for the unhappiness
they saw. They may have interpreted the birthparent's
periods of depression or withdrawal as a rejection of them.
They may have lost the opportunity to give, to help. At a
very minimum, communication among all family members suffered.
In my own family, my daughter worries aloud about how her
brother is faring, and questions why others would not help
me keep him. My mother and I, though we love each other,
each have hurts so deep that we have had great difficulty
talking with each other ever since the loss of my son, and
we are not truly comfortable with each other. We do not have
the easy, back and forth relationship she and my sister do.
My father and I were not on, speaking terms at the time he
unexpectedly died shortly after I located my son. My sister
and brother try hard to understand both my pain and thoughts
as well as my mother's, but often feel trapped between us.
There are many small disputes, in which sides are taken,
feelings hurt. For example, at the time of my 15 year high
school class reunion, I insisted on listing my son in the
booklet that was made up. Family members felt they had to
express their opinions about the wisdom of that decision. I
was deeply hurt when my father's obituary listed the wrong
number of grandchildren. Many questions remain in the minds
of family members on issues like where my right to express
myself on my own life ends and on where my mother's wishes
for privacy from her friends begins. Or vice versa. I get
confused. But we love each other, so we try.
None of this is easy. For some families the effects can be
devastating. For a very few, the remaining members of the
family are able to draw closer together in sharing the pain
of missing the surrendered child. In all families, though,
the fact of the child's existence influences the ways in
which the surviving family functions in all the years that
follow the surrender.
I have always felt that at large family gatherings we should
leave an empty chair in view to represent my missing son,
for even far away from us, he continues to affect all of us.
As my husband and daughter and I do things together, I am
keenly aware that my son,. who should be with us, is not.
I have talked to several birthmothers who have said that being
a birthmother is so deeply who they are that they feel
it is the most basic part of their identities. I'm thinking
in particular of the birthmothers who have told me of their
difficulty in coping with a brother's or sister's adopting a
child. Before we are sisters, before we are daughters, before
we are wives, many of us are first and foremost birthmothers.
It is our core.
Recently a CUB member shared with Lee an experience that illustrates
how profound and how deep is the loss of a child.
The member works at a nursing home. One of the patients at
the home is a 93 year old woman who is quite senile. She
does not recognize family members. Shedoes not always know
her name, nor where she is, nor how old she is. Every day,
though, as she lies there, she repeats to herself, "My mommy
and daddy are going to rot in hell for making me give up my
baby." It seems to be the only part of herself, her identity,
her memory that is left--the pain, hurt, and anger of .
the unnatural loss of a child to adoption.
I wish that every social worker who counsels single mothers
and mothers-to-be.could feel, know, and understand that adoption
does not represent a temporary loss to parents or families.
I wish they all understood that urging young women to
surrender their babies to "protect" their families from shame
or themselves from social condemnation could result in lifelong
consequences to every member of the family far outweighing
any temporary embarrassment or problems. I wish they
would insist that the mothers role-play how they would cope
with the questions subsequent children are likely to ask, as
well'as role-play some of the situations that arise with
grandparents, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts and
cousins years later. I wish they would stop demeaning all of
these relationships in their glibly saying "birthparent" and
"adoptive family" in the same breath, thus implying that it
is one young parent who stands in the way of her child's having
an entire family. Children are not born to parents alone
but are born into families. Entire family networks. How can
"helping professionals" vi~w all these relationships so
lightly?
1 think my son loet a great deal when he was surrendered.
He lost the day-to-day connections and love most of us take for
granted with his grandparents, great-grandparents, uncles,
aunts, cousins, brothers, sister, parents and stepparents,
as well as family traditions and heritage. Each member of
his family also lost. We lost not only my cherished son, but
also parts of each other.
Carole Anderson, IA

I3 Adoption Searchbook, by Mary Jo Rillera. An excellent book to guide you through the complicated maze of search. FREEwlth a $10 donation.
0 Adoption Triangle. Researchers Dr. Arthur Sorosky. Reuben Pannor and Annette Baran have reported on their research on the need for
adoption reform in this timely and important work. Now available in paperback, it is available FREE with a $9.00 donation.
Birthmark. clournalist Lorraine Dusky has written a memoir relating how an unwanted pregnancy changed one woman and led to her
~nvolvement in the open records movement and determination to one day find her daughter. In hardcover, FREE with a $9.00 donation.
q "The Birthparent's Right to Know, by Lee Campbell, CUB President. ~ e~rint from the 1979 issue of Public Welfare magazine. FREE with a
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Choices, Chances. Changes: A Guide to Making an Informed Choice About Your Untimely Pregnancy. This 62 page booklet by Carole
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q Eternal Punishment of women: Adoption Abuse. Written by Carole Anderson, CUB Vice President, with Lee Campbell, CUB President, and
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Helping Hand, compiled by Gail M. Hanssen, CUB National Secretary. A how-to work with agencies and courts to document your experience as
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q I'm Still Me. Author Betty Jean Lifton's newest book about an adopted teenager, her questions and her search is certain to move you, especially
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I Would Have Searched Forever. by Sandra Kay Musser, CUB Vice President. A book revealing one birthmother's true story. FREE with a
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OHelping Women Cope With Grief. By granting in this trailblazing work equal space to, and drawing parallels between,
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interviews with birthmothers with a sensitive, but realistic, clinical and feminist overview, Dr. Silverman offers her thoughtful
Blending
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Orphan Voyage. Mother of adoption reform movement. Jean Paton, writes this historical account of its beginnings. FREEwith a donation of
$9.00.
U The Social Worker's Role in Adoption. Article by Carole Anderson, CUB Vice President and newsletter editor and herself a social worker,
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C! Our booklet, Understanding the Birthparent, compiled by Lee Campbell. CUB President. Twenty-four birthparents convey a vivid insider's
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dear friends,
Happy beach, garden, cook-out time to you.
I've recently returned from the first annual Open Adoption conference in
Michigan where I had the pleaqure of again being with Carole Anderson,.
Carol Gustavson, Mary Jo Rillera (who came flying in at the very last minute
on the midnight,literally, plane to re lace B.J. Lifton), Reuben Pannor,
Marge Gilling, and of meeting new f riends, among them Abbie, Corrie
(thanks for your help on the literature table), Jim Gritter (who organized so.
vie11 and facilitated so sensitively the conference), his agency's director Mike
(such disarming honesty), Ferdinand, and so many others.
I saw evidence at the conference indicating there is quite a way yet for
some to travel to work sensitively with birthfamilies. But, for Open
Adoption, a progressive position paper was passed (see elsewhere). -
By the time this reaches you, the fourth annual American Adoption,
*.
Conference will have completed its four day session in San Antonio.. I'll
report on this exciting event in a future Communicator.
Of enormous interest to me right now are three trends among our
membership that have come to my attention. Birthmothers who were
sexually active (thank goodness the women's movement gives us permission
to speak openly of this) and are uncertain about their children's paternity are.
beginning todiscuss how this influenced the surrender and what this means
to search and reunion. Increasingly vocal also are birthparents who feel they
made a personal choice to surrender their children for adoption. And,
thirdly, we're beginning to hear from bewildered birthparents who find they
don't like their found children, though they were originally motivated by.
strong caring to search for them. If CUB is to be truly responsive to
birthparents, then we should encourage our friends with different situations
and feelings to share these with us so we can grow more dimensionallzed in
our understanding and helpfulness. If your own circumstances seem to differ.
from those commonly discussed, please do accept our invitation to write and,
talkabout it with therest of us. Thanks.
We've taken a good, long look at our financial situation and decided one
way to raise the funds necessary to continue our important programs is to
impose reasonable fees for the Search Buddy and Penpal Columns and to
begin accepting display ads from commercial enterprises and entrepeneurs.
We hope this income will enable us to continue publishing the
Communicator at the regular intervals and In the current length you like so
well, without increasing our dues. More details elsewhere.
Even more crucial to CUB'S development is an expandtng:le.ership, Your
many letters to me about apathy (February Communicator) ' we a big help.
Thank you. In addition to sharing some excerpts, we're letting you know
about the opportunities and challenges now available to you through CUB.
We hope you'll give more active participation in our work your thoughtful
consideration. Be in touch, please, with your offers of help and any
additional questions you may have (care of 595 Central Avenue, Dover, N.H.
03820,603,7443744). Thank you.
Have a good month and remember:lf you want your ship to come in, you've '
got to make waves!
Special love,
Lee
* *
OPEN ADOPTION AS STANDARD PRACTICE
Open Adoption is an acknowledgement of the lifetime relationship among
adoptees, birth families and adoptive families in which legal custody is
transferred. It includes, but is not limited to, the rr~l-tual exchange of full
Identities prior to finalization of adoption, the right tocontinuing contact and
knowledge of the whereabouts and welfare of all parties and offers an
appreciation of the uniquecontributionof those involved.
It is the consensus of the conference participants that the secr=y, and
anonymity, and mystique that has surrounded the traditional adoption of the
past has left behind numerous psychological problems for adoptees, birth
families and adoptive families. This practice must be replaced by a form of
adoption that practices openness and honesty and thereby permits a
,healthier and psychologically sounder adoption practice.
It is 'our conviction that Open Adoption must be the prevailing practice in
all independent and agency adoptions.
,he above was endorsed by the majority of those who voted at the close of the
conference, Beyond the Shadow of Secrecy - Open Placement Adoption,
Traverse City, MI. April 1516, 1982.'
.
YES, WE ARE NOW WILLING TO ACCEPT DISPLAY ADS
ANNOUNCING YOUR SERVICES OR PRODUCTS.
Your ad in the Communicator will reach more than 2100 attentive,
interested persons monthly - more people at a greater frequency than any
other.publication in the adoption reform movement. A one inch by three
inch, camera-ready display ad costs as low as $20.00 per issue; even less
when you run it regularly. Call Lee Campbell at (603) 7443744 for more
information.
(We reserve the right to refuse any advertising which, in the opinion of
the publishers, is offensive to the dignity of families, openness, and
honesty .)'
n ~ I o ~ ~ ~ m I I m
CLASSIFIED ADS
All penpallsearch buddy requests received after July 1st will be
charged the nominal fee of $1.00 per line of type. Please compute your
charge as follows.
Please carefully print your request. Then count each character. Each
.letter, punctuation mark, and space between words is one character. A
line of type consists of 50 characters. Send $1.00 for each line (50
characters) of type. Partial lines must be counted as full lines. (Example:
Wcharacters is Splus lines of type, or $6.00).
I
(For your oyn protection, we suggest you give only the season and year
when citing adale of birth.)
w
IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT RENEWALS:
In order to make sure you don't m~sslany.,Qmmunicaton, please renew two months before the expiration date on
your mailing label. If renewing through a branch, renew three months earlier. Dues are$15.00 a year. Foreigners, please send $2.00 to cover postage costs.
I
MOVING? Send us your new address six weeks ahead of time, if you can. Bulk-mail does not get forwarded. If you are enrolled in our Reunion Registry,
please remind us to change your address there and include birthdate of offspring.
MISS AN ISSUE? Send $1.00 for each missed issue. We'll send it out first class,
Please remember that although renewals, address changes, and back issues are handled by Headquarters, submissions for the Communicator should be'senf
to Carole Anderson, Editor, at her address (front cover). If you would like to send a letter or article you wrote, a news clip, or a pen pal requeit;'pl-Gbe 6e
sure to tell Carole whether or not you like your full name and address listed. If you'tlo notspecify, your first name and state will be used. Include the name
and address of the publication for any news clips, along with the date publist-@. Thank.'*!

' begun
IN THIS ISSUE,, ,
President's Comments..............,....l Pen Pal Requests ,.............-~-..-~--9
Opeh Adoption as Standard Practice.....l
Announcements...,,.,..,........,....,...,l
Notes to Readers ......................
Editor's Corner...... ................. 2 Mother's Day Poem to a Birthmother....lO
Apathy .........,,,,,.............,..,..3
Feelings about Surrender 6 Search.....lO
A Different Kind of Mother's Day Gift..S Adoption Laws Crying Out for Reform...ll
Mother's Day News Coverage ............. 6 The "Better Life" Led to Prison.. .....12
Happy Reunion for 31 Yr. Old Adoptee..l3
A Mother Shares Her Story. ............. 6
.........................
...............
...........
A Letter to Sherry. ................... 6 poem--7/25/64 13
Poem to the Birthfather ............... 7 Living a8 a Birthparent 13
Mutual Helpfulness ..................... 7 Literature/Gifts .....................
Good News to Share......... ....,....... 8 Branchee/~epresentati~es
cover
. . ...
donors may worry about whether they fathered
THE EDITOR'S CORNER
other children who might meet or marry the child-
Increasingly I've been reading articles concerning ren of their marriages. Some find they carry genartificial
insemination. Although it has been per- etic diseases but do not know if they fathered
formed for more than 30 years, it is only recently offspring, much less how to contact them. Repeat
that the children conceived as a result of it have donors could be the fathers of 30 or more childto
speak out. ren, or of none. They have no way of knowing. In
Like adoptees, AID (~rtificial Insemination by a small' comunity, this could present a very real
ono or) people are cut off from their genetic heri- risk of incest among the AID children. Since
tage and from knowledge of medical problems, Some
sperm was often frozen for use later, the age of
AID people feel the same kind of rootlessness and
children is not a guide to relationships.
identity confusion often expressed by adoptees, The issue of AID and how it is handled is highand
are trying to discover the identities of the lighted by media attention to surrogate mothering,
fathers they have never known. Others have dis- since its supporters often say, "1t's no differcovered,
through a medical problem they face or ent than donating sperm." But surrogate mother8
through difficulties in diagnosing problems in must surrender their children and the children are
their children, that the lack of medical informa- then adopted by the sperm donor and his wife.
tion available to AID people can be crucial.
Unlike adoptees, though, AID people cannot petition
courts or appeal to agencies for aid in uncovering
the information they need. In most AID
casee, there are no records to open.
A woman who spoke with me tearfully explained
that her mother's gynecologist had not kept records
on donated sperm, just noting on the mother's
records that the procedure had been performed.
Another said that although t:he doctor did list the
sperm bank he had not recorded specimen numbers
because AID did not make the donor a father, but
was merely a medical treatment to aid the mother
in becoming pregnant, much like taking fertility
drugs. He told her the only father was her
mnther's husband, since she had grown up with him.
No one would argue that her mother's husband is
truly the woman's father. But he is not her genetic
father, and his medical history cannot serve
her needs.
Although state laws on adoption are seldom what we
would like; all states do have adoption laws. All
recognize that adoptees do have birthparents as
well as adoptive parents. Such is not the case
for AID, which may not be addressed in laws or
regulated by agency rules or courts.
AID is not just a medical treatment, comparable
to using a fertility drug. It introduces a different
genetic family without any protections for
the people who are created by it.
In a few instances, men who once donated sperm
have, with maturity, regretted donating it. Some
were students who were paid for donating, and
thought little aboct it at the time, They felt
they could give a couple happinese with little
time or trouble for themselves. Now, though, the
There are court records, and a surrogate can be
located should the need arise. Such is not the
case with AID.
How do you think AID should be handled? What
regulations do you think should be initiated?
What records should be kept, and by whom? Or
do you believe AID people should continue to
have no records to open? Do you think systems
should be arranged for the exchange of medical
information between donors and AID familieel
Should contracts be signed in which the partiee
agree that at age 18 the AID person will be entitled
to identifying information? Should donor8
be entitled to know if a child results from
the insemination? What opinions do you have on
this issue?
Carole Anderson

A PAT H Y: EVERY ORGANIZATION'S CHALLENGE
After I wrote my February column asking members to share with me their insights concerning a seeming apathy about CUB'S work, I
was blessed with man letters. They were thoughtful responses.
A few charged mew Y th making them feel guilty, which made me feel guilty, until I remembered each of us Is ultimately responsible
for our own feelings. Many who wrote had been active in our work and gave a thrilling account of their activities. Others wrote to
remind me of their right to choose to be passive. And several expressed appreciation for the nudge they felt to move on to deeper
involvement. Excerpts of the more typical letters are printed here.
It is a most tricky and delicate business for any organization to balance the respect that is due, deservedly, to passive members while
still generating theactivity that is needed toaccompllsh thegoals of theorganization. In view of these conflicts, I will strive to do thls:
I will continue to put before you, hopefully in a more clear way (and I invite your suggestions) the ways you can help. As a
passive-grown-assertive woman, I will strongly urge you toconsider these opportunities, for my experience Is these challenges can be
good opportunities for both CUB and you. However, if it is your "informed" choice not to participate, please know that I really will
respect that decision, too.
-Lee
It seems to boll&&wn to the here and now, and the fact that keeping my I'm the kind of person who usually gets very involved in movements and
headabove water Is a task itself, and I simpl do not have the wherewithal ti oranizations that touch my life but I've been noticing that I don't seem to re
givemuch toanyoneelse. I belleve that in t K efuture I will search, and find, spond to requests for help in the newsletter very much. One reason I believe
and will have energy to help others-but I don't have the resources now to do may be that I haven't conducted a successful search. I'm looking for the type
SO.
of information (on how to search) and support I found in the league when I
Stacy
first became affiliated as a new insecure mother. Somehow, a national
How much can one person give? I don't like being a person who sits back and organization seems so distant and unmanageable. I do feel I've been helped
watches others work. When I do become a member of anything or any group by my CUB membershipthrough the newsletters. I guess the local, every-
I plan on and do give 150%. No one says thanks for what you're doing.
day, companionship of people in similar circumstances is missing for me.
Deb
fqlaxine
.-
To answer your questions regarding apathy. What I feel is overwhelming I find that apatheticattitude prevails a great deal. It is so difficult to find '
hurt and any discussions of adoption is like poking at a festering wound. In people who will do anything for the goodof the organization.
thls state I feel helpless.
~eirnjt
Alida
My list of excuses is typical. Timerequired by my job and by other interest.
My first thoughts; Here is another person laying a guilt trip on me. Don't If you want input; a(don't use Christmas issue and b( reprint the survey in
you also be dlseo~olnted in me. I hurt so much, the heeling Is so slow andso the following issue with a reminder that replies are still bing accepted.
exhausting. 1 've cgme a tremendous distance ans still have a way to go. Carrie Carrie
Keep the list of your wishes, hopes, needs, and requests in the Corn
municator, so that when I'm ready I can pay back. My "seeming apathy" is As a nurse, I know that organizations made up pritiarily of women are sademotional
immobility.
dled with the traditional sanctions restricting women from exercising their
Jean
power. Down here we have had a very hard time gleaning support from
I am alsb guilty of inertia in the search process, as well as in other adoption amongst ourselves. When we sent a letter to the Mutual Helpfulness column
process areas. My 31-year-old son who I relinquished for adoption was a last year we got only one letter in response. It also takes strength to say, "I
closed subject in my life until just a few years ago when I met up with an havea right to make time and space in my life for this fight"!!I But so much
adopteesearching for her parents. It pequed my interest and I involved my- of that strength is buried beneath submissive conditioning. Thank you for
self with CUB, started attending meetings and developed some interest in the prodding.
thesearch. I became only moderately involved and later realized that finding
. . - Robj~
my son was not as critical for my life as I saw for many others I had met. I First, I think the rallying of conservative forces in our country is scarlng off a
could not seem to muster up the enthusiasm that others had for the search. I number of would-be activists. Second, I think members need a "Things to
realized they had a need to be met which, obviously, I didn't have - at least do" list of activities in their own communities. Person-to-Person contact can
for the present. I definitely would like to "meet' my son, but for now It's not provide reinforcement. If we don't get some apprdable reinforcement
x
for
dl that important or critical for my life. In my earlier involvement with CUB, taking our learnlng risks, we don't take those risks. The {mmediac of it is
I put a lot of energy in writing letters to politicians. It never was fulfilling in important: delayed strokes are often "too little, to late." Third, I t ink the
the mense that I rejoiced over it and felt a full heart as at other times in my economic circumstances of mt women make it difficult for them to bear the
Ilk! when I've committed to giving to some cause that moved me. Much of expences of educational actiuities toward humaniiing adoption. The money
my life has been spent being a crusader - and a supporter. I've burned out, is largely in the hands of thoee who would perpetuate second-class citizen-
Or calmed down and find that I'm more settled in myself and the motives ship for women and the closed adoption system. Many of us are struggling to
that used to drive me to do whatever I did are no longer there. I've come to a support ourselves, to pay for iivin and educational expences in wdw to
lace in my life where I'm willing - yes, even eager to allow others to move wercome thedependency and help 8 essness that cost us our childrerr.Fouith;
bto those areas I formerly found drawing me. I think its called "aging we have the reality that we are all dealing with the loss of our chibrwn in '
Perhaps you may want to reprint this. It may generate other responses 'to different ways, and I'm sure that CUB members are doing a lot m e then
your request.
you ever hear about in regard to educating frlends, families and corn
Carol
munities. Fifth, we need to share In the chmmudator, the specific corn
munity activities members are wrying out. That way other memben get
ideas they can use in their mmunities. Perhaps a "Community Report"
I have been fluctuating between really jumping into CUB and sitting back as section could serve this purpose; Direct reports from branchea and repe
I have done. The decislon is to stick both feet into the cause but ... Theres tabout activities. I have to admit I'venever been much of a jd.~.: I out
always a "but". I've wanted yw to know that my lack of activity with CUB my problems in the least bureaucratic ways possible. But l.acly-~owl
moetly had todo with avery ztive lifealready.
support I've received from you through CUB and plan to do what I
Georgina,
fer that support toothers.
.
rv@iji,
As to the vote for CUB to support search, I feel the results are reflective of
my own feelings Christmas cards: I did not purchase them. Who would I I am very interested in helping you all that~l can, but I can't be Involved In
eend them lo? As my friendship grows with everyone involved with CUB I publicity at this time because of my husband's business situation. I have
think I would have a need for such a card this holiday. Understand not all been Involved in letter wrltlng for the adoption cause, and I wm in
who are CUB members are able to be involved. I just spkg to a woman who Trenton,NJ to lend support to Ron Buchmann at his, sentencing. If you need
called me: she wants to attend CUB and join but her husband won't let her help please let me know.
spend the money to join and is hostile to her need of CUB.
Adelle
I
Debbie
I sont m renewal but never recelved a Communicator till Jan. 82:.1 wasn't
Having been the president of a lar
a
e teachers' negotiating association, I can awareo it at all. I am behind you 100 %
Y
.
share your frustrations. It seems t e same core of workers always do everything
and no one even says thanks. I enjoy the Conwrmnicator, but it seems
Carol
to be a way for birthparents to communicate wi th each other than for CUB to
inform and educate us. The reason I dldn't get more involved is because I'm
still checking things out.
Janet

I
.
CUB18 a national non-profit organization founded In Massachusetts in 1976.
Vftthile we have provided servlces to over 35,000 people, only 2,100 are
oatrrentiy dues-peyi members. The brunt of financing and providi
didespread servlccm "8, fallen historically to r rdative few. In an ef 7 ort to
~y(pand our support base, we are llatlng bdowarsadn which we need help, If
yvu can not give of your time, perhap6 yw W d consider - as do Steve and
Kath of Michigan - including a small extra donation to CUB as one of your
mmt b ly Mils, or, like Alkia of New Jersey, having CUBnamed as tha
mficiary of United Way's Optlonal Donor salary deduction plan, or, like a
wple others, including CUB in your will or trust fund or Insurance plan.
T3mrraremeny wsys to help expend wr support base, and we amreciate
*JV much any consideration you fed youcan.give CUB. Thank you.
I iiive so far away and my CUB newsletter usually arrives late. I felt if I had
crdered the Christmas cards then, I would have received them too late to.
$end before the holidays. I did vote and enjoyed doing so. I didn't offer my
hejlp because I figured I live so far from CUB's main headquarters or even a
GLIB branch that my 'help wasn't necessary. But you're right, I could help,
e!ten here. So I'm offering my help.
Chris
@c:rth my husband and myself believe strongly in the organized labor movermt.
Because of this, we feel that it is important that the cards we use to
send greetings at Christmas have the union label on them. Some of us take
Icr-rger then others to get fired up, and sometimes it seems that we get
spread so thin working for various causes and interest. I've of ten been so irrrxated
by persons who weren't doing what I thought was their share of the
wn~h. The best thing ou can do is keep up the good work, and keep talking
tatus thru your month 7 y comments.
Janet
I asked myself all your questions in President's Comments. Not committing
el-ough time to CUB ... running out of money before running out of month.
Silrs! I have put CUB on my calendar. Lee, we are out here. There are many
ra-~ple who want to support CUB but don't know how to get going. Birthparents
have given and it hurt. Birthparents can learn to share and give
again in lifeand not hurt.
Shirley
... . .
5% Christmas cards: I considered ordering but it was the religious connctation
in the description of the card that put me off. On the matter of
reponding to CUB's survey on search rights! God knows, I spent enough
tire studying the survey. I don't know a thing about searchiing myself and
wrr; so confused I abandoned the idea of responding. I suppose apathy is
mi:xed in with my failure to respond a "Let George do it" attitude. I'm sorry
-i%tfs been that way-your message really shook me up. You are so right when
yo2 say "Surel it must be clear that we cannot expect to win the fight for
~19ality and fa Y rness if so many remain inert." Some of us need to be "Hit
a\isr the head." Thanks for doing that
Margorie
I tiid not receive a Communicator for Nov, or Uec. I had no idea of your pleas
fcr support. I had bought the Christmas cards plus gave an extra donation.
Tcclay I made another contribution. With great pride i used the "CUB"
CPrristmascards. Pleasecontact meas toexactly what I can do to help.1 feel I
Ol~he CUB the world.
Holly
The only answer I can come up with is that people are just too afraid to be involved.
Until three years ago, I had a lot of fears concerning the adoption of
n:.,: child. The experience was devastating. My husband and I have spoken to
a group of prospective adoptive parents.1 enjoyed it very much and it really
he:,ped me to feel like I'm not so bad after all. I guess what I am saying is: do
kwp prodding I am willing to help in any way I can. I work three days a
and go to school on weekends. We also have three sons,9,7, and 6. So,
$be haveavery busy schedulealthough I do want to get more involved in any
Kay Ican.
Karen
I wish to offer some possible explanation for the apathy. Since my
daughter's birth in July, 1976, fromall appearances I had adjusted ''well'' to
her birth surrender and separation. Only since I pined CUB have I begun to
admit tomyself that this is definitely not thecase'! I have been simply hiding
- running from the hurts, questions without answers ect.. Perhaps my
actions are not uncommon among other seemingly adjusted birthparents. A
refusal to becomeactive in your support is just another way. Now I have begun
to face myself and my true feelings. I want desperately to help and reach
out.
Fran
1 1 . For 'tiibre information about these job openings, pl&e call or 'write L&
I
Campbell at 595 Central Avenue, Dover, N.H. 03820, W, 7493744.
THANK YOU.
HELP WANTED. . . .
. . IN THE AREA OF PUBLIC AWARENESS
Many, many people remain unaware of CUB's work or the adoption reform
movement. We hope to make a concerted effort to change that.
A Publicity Director is needed to identify producers, editors; m draft
proposals asking them to consider informing their audience about our work;
to maintain and further develop a list of members who can cooperate with
the media; to maintain a publicity folder; to develop with inwt from
committee members and others strategy for public awareness. .
Committee Members are needed to respond to positive and rqative
publicity about the issues that concern us and to assist the Publicity Drector
in developing and implementing strategy for Public Awareness.
.
A Conference Coordinator is needed to identify conferences, meetings and
other sites suitable for CUB speakers and materials; and to select and
arrange for speakers and materials.
Once people become aware of CUB and the press for adoption reform, we
need credible materials that will educate them about its value. Only in this
way can widespread changes in attitudes, prejudices, and laws be effcted.
Committee Members are needed to design and write copy describina CUB
materials, to perform artwork for CUB materials; andlor to new
ideas for CUB productions, to contribute to writing, editing, and finally to
develop ways .. to fund CUB pr&tlctions. . ...
. . .IN THE AREA OF FUNDING
As we grow, so does our need for funding to maintain our office, staff,
programs, printing, postage, ad infinitum. . . .
Committee Members needed to identify and help the Chair'draft prop&
to potential donors. Also needed are people to help design and implement a
successful Direct Mail campaign.
... IN THE AREA OF LEGISLATIVE REPORTING
Reporter needed to collect legislation information from members and
others and to share this information with CUB membership through the
newsletter or other means; to react in writing to pending legislation on
CUB's official behalf; and, to nlaintain a state file on legislation.
. . .IN THE AREA OF CUB SISTER PROGRAM
Always needed are people who are willing to lend a helping hand to
someone who is currently pregnant. If you have not yet registered your
interest with Charleen Justice (address front cover), pleasedo so.
. . . IN THE AREA OF OUR LIAISON PROGRAM
Always needed are people with strong peer or professional counselling
skills to act as intermediaries for members who so desire. If you haven't yet
registered your interest with Carol Gustavson, please do so care of our' .
Milford address.
. . . iN THE AREA OF OUR FAMILY ADVOCACY PROGRAM
Always needed are attorneys and expert witnesses sympathetic to
maintaining original family ties, and others who can help Coordinator Alison
Ward identify potential donors for our Legal Aid Fund, or who can provide
emotional support for someone currently involved in litigation. Please
register your interest with Alison Ward, care of our Milford address.
. . . IN THE AREA OF CLERICAL SUPPORT
I
Always needed are volunteers who are accessible to our Dover and Milford.
offices to help us with the countless tasks that keep our workshops
humming. Please let us know if you can help out.
-

A DIFFERENT KIND OF MOTHER'S DAY GIFT ings in the D.C. area for the same name as Jeannine's
mother. I worked up my courage and called the first
I have a 15 year old daughter who lives in the South with listing. The woman was helpful, but she was not relaher
adoptive parents. Before I ever contacted her 18 ted to Jeannine. I dialed the second and last chance I
months ago I knew she had an older brother who had also had, hoping against hope that I would luck out. A man
been adopted as an infant through the same Maryland agen- answered, and replied that Jeannine wasn't there then,
cy. In our first conversation she told me about Paul, that she had moved out several weeks earlier. He was
her 18 year old brother. Paul, who had been very sickly her younger brother, and didn't have any idea where she
and hyperkinetic as a child, who had learning disabili- was living. I asked some questions about her, trying
ties and behavioral problems. Paul, the bad boy, as op- not to arouse his suspicions. I found she had three
posed to Holly, the good girl. I wrote Paul off as a other children, all girls, and that she was separated
troublesome boy who had caused his family much heartache from her husband. I asked if I could send her a letter
and grief, and I resented the pressure his behavior placed in care of that address and he said yes.
on my daughter: it was as if she had to be 200% perfect to
Taking carenot to put anything in the short note that
* please her adoptive parents to make up for ail the probmight
alarm her, I merely said that I had been looking
lems Paul had caused. I assumed his problems were all his
for her for a long time, and that I had what I hoped
doing, without ever considering. that his adoption might
would be very happy news for her. I asked her to call
.
have been a contributing factor.
me collect. I made a note on my calendar after I mailed
Last summer, after Holly - spent - a week with me in New Jer- the letter to follow up - in a week.
sey, I got a letter from Mary Anne Cohen. She said she
Four days later, I received a collect call from Jeannine.
could understand my not wanting to deal with Paul, that
I was dumbstruck: Emily Post had nothing to suggest about
Holly was obviously my first priority. However, as the
how to handle this unique situation. I told her to stop
birthmother of a son, she strongly empathized with Paul's
wracking her brain, that we were not old school friends
birthmother, and said that if she were Paul's mother she
as I'd told her brother. I said that although she didn't
would want to know about him, no matter how mixed up he
was. She also reminded me that it's not fair to write
know me we had many things in common; that we had both
stayed at the same maternity home, the same hospital,
someone off just because they 're in trouble at age 18 or
and had dealt with the same agency. I told her I'd found
19.
my daughter 18 months ago, and had a good relationship
After I had known Holly for a year, I learned more about with her and her adoptive parents. I said that Holly had
Paul's problems. The family knew he lived nearby, but not an older brother who had just turned 20, and that he was
exactly where. The only times he called or visited were her son. She spilled forth with many questions: what was
when he needed help, or money, or both. Last Christmas, his name, what did he look like, how was he, when could
while Holly was with me for a week, we visited Carol Gus- she see a picture of him. I choked with emotion as I
tavson. We spoke about Paul, and how he had affected tried to answer her many questions, taking care to be
their family's lives. Later that day, Holly asked me if tactful but honest about Paul's many problems. She, like
I could search for Paul's birthmother, in the hope that so many birthmothers, was forced to lose her son because
contact with and knowledge of her could help Paul. Even she was refused family support. She said it had taken
Paul's adoptive mother said that Paul felt his mother had many years for her to not feel anger towards her parents
rejected him by surrendering him for adoption (even though foi- making her give him up. She mentioned her deep pain
she'had just turned 17 when she bore him, and obviously
could never have kept him without family support). Paul
has low self esteem, lacks confidence, and has poor relati
onships with women: not unusual characteristics for a
male adoptee.
at being forced to take care of him for the several weeks
they were in the home together; what had been a blessing
for me had been a nightmare for her, because she knew she
had to lose him. She had heard of the push for open
records legislation, and prayed that her son might find
In January I started the search for Paul's birthmother.
Some people criticized me for initiating the search, as
if it should only be done by the adoptee, the birthmother,
or the adoptive parents. In this case, however, I assumed
that none of those three parties knew how to start the
search, much less complete it. I also felt a responsibility
to Paul's birthmother; had our positions been reversed,
I pray that she would search for me to let me know of my
child's welfare. By the end of February I knew her name
and her address at the time of adoption, plus that same
information about the birthfather. Unfortunately, her
family no longer lived at the apartment house, and I
couldn't find any trace of her later than 1962. Carol Setold,
my good friend, went "Jeannine" hunting, all to no
avail. Weeks went by without my finding out any more information,
but I must admit I did not work as hard at this
search as I had for my own search.
I felt a lot of closeness to Jeannine, because we had both
stayed at the same maternity home, The House of Mercy; had
both delivered our first child at the Columbia Hospital for
Women in D.C. ; and had both lost our children to adoption
to Church Mission of Help in Baltimore. I thought of her
as my sister-in-law, in that her son and my daughter had
grown up in the same house. I prayed she would be receptive
to my contact, and would want to know her son once
more.
In late April, Carol Setola called me with some additional
information she had dug up, including two telephone list-
her someday. She would have searched for him, but she
didn't know how, and she was short on funds. Jeannine
had never heard of CUB and had never talked to another
birthmother. I promised her I would send her pictures
and information about Paul and his adoptive family, and
that I would send her pictures and information about Paul
and his adoptive family, and that I would phone his adop-
tive mother and share the news with her. I knew she
planned to write Jeannine and send her a picture of Paul.
Far from being over, my efforts with Jeannine are just
beginning. I feel a great deal of responsibility toward
her, because of all she will be going through in the upcoming
weeks and months. I have told her that I will be
there for her for support, encouragement, or whatever. I
am going to try to get her to attend the local CUB meetings,
where I know Carol Setola will show her the kindness
and understanding Jeannine needs so much.
I hope the end result will be a happier existence for
Paul, and a fuller life for Jeannine. Many people wonder
what happens when an adoptee with siblings is contacted:
in this case, I searched for my counterpart. People must
realize that not all adoptees are happy and well adjusted.
Some have lived miserable, confused lives. Contact with
the birthmother is not a panacea, but it cannot hurt. As
to how a birthmother feels when she finds her child in
this situation: we always say that to know is better than
not to know, and it is especialJy true in this case.
At the end of our first conversation, Jeannine said I

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co'uidn1t know how much this meant to her. I said, "I do :. . they made me hav& shock treitments. After a long haul I '
know. Consider tbis a Mother's Day gift ." started to get better; Then the best thing happened to
...
Alison Ward, NJ
me: I Learned about CUB'. I started to get the newsletters
. . . . . . . .
and it made me realize that I was not crazy, my feelings
were normal. . .
MOTHER'S DAY NEWS COVERAGE
I went to my first CUB meeting in New York City and it was
. .....
. t
.
'
.?>
there 1 met Lucy. I did not know that my life was going . .
SEVERAL PEOPLE SENT ARTICLES THAT APPEARED IN to change for the better at that time. Lucy put me in
. . . .
touch with Jack and I finally had the peace of mind that . . . .
MoTHER's DAY ISSUES
OF
PAPERS ON THE
my daughter was alive and hopefully well and happy. That
TOPIC OF BIRTHMOTHERS, ADOPTEESj AND REUNIONS, was when she was 13 years old. When she was 15 I met
with four other women from New Jersey and together we
THANKS AND CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF THOSE WHO
formed the group now known as Origins. I also met Carol
i.
WERE ABLE TO GAIN MEDIA COVERAGE FOR THE PLIGHT
. . Gustavson. Mary Anne Cohen, Lucy Pare, Marsha Riben, Ali- .*
son Ward, and Kon Buchmann (Jack) and Carol Gustavson have
OF MOTHERS WHO'VE SURRENDERED CHILDREN AND with their help and support given me the strength to move
CHILDREN WHO NEEDEDTO KNOW BOTH OF THEIR MOTH- forward and do something that I never thought I would do. .,
I want to thank each of the people who made this possible I '
. ERS4 . MoT~~R's DAY HAS A
ALL
for me Witbou~ vtt~er people to help and give the encour- . .
BIRTHMOTHERS, AND THE GENERAL PUBLIC NEEDS TO BE agcment, 1 for one would still be in the closet. Thank . .
you all.
AWARE OF US) OUR CHILDREN) AND OUR EXPERIENCES . .
1 wrote my daugh~csr's adoptive parentsa letter one year
AND. NEEDS, MOTHER'S DAY WAS A WONDERFUL OPPOR- ago. Carol also wrote to them on my behalf. Then we
...
TUNITY FOR EDUCATING OTHERS, FOR THOSE WHO DID waited for six weeks and wrote another letter. Four days
later 1 received a nice letter from her adoptive parents.
'NOT. . , TRY THI s YEAR FOR MOTHER' s DAY PUBLICITY,
They said a lot of nice things about Elizabeth to help mc
. .
.YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KEEP IT IN MIND FOR NEXT YEAR, know her a little, but they said that they were not going c
...
................................................ to tell her of my contact until she was 18 or 19. 1 ac-
. .
....
cepted this as 1 felt that they knew best. I wrote back
and sent them pictures of my family and mysrlE and asked
. .
A MOTHER SHARES HER STORY
for a picture. They sent me many pictures and pictures . .
of her two brothers and adoptive parents. This went so . .
Sixteen years ago I was an unwed mother. I was thrown out . .
of my house by my parents and family. 1 was then one
Ear in relieving the anguish I've felt. We have been
. .
month along and could have stayed home forat least five
writing for one year now and in the last letter they said
. .
months. My mother took me to a psychiatrist to'see if I
they were ready to meet with me and my husband. I am
. .
could get an abortion. I was totally against this and he waiting to hear when we are going to meet. It should be
..
agreed with me. Then she took me to Catholic Charities
within the next month or so. f have been end I
. 1.
am hoping that they want to tell Elizabeth before rhe in
of the Archdiocese of Newark. My mother did not want me
.'.
18.' 1 did the right thing in searching and.contacting
in a home for unwed mothers so they sent me to a home in
my daughter's adoptive parents. It is a very personal
~ontclair, NJ to be a nanny to a well to do family. I
decision. I only wish that other birthmothers could
took care of two boys, ages two and four, cleaned and
share in the peace of mind I have in knowing that my
cooked and watched the lady and her husband enjoy their
daughter is alive and well, and that I can communicate
tennis, golf and their country club activities. Also she
openly with her parents.
was pregnant. I did this for seven months. Then in early
December 1 got the flu and the lady did not want me in the Most birthmothers had little choice when they were forced
house with her, so Catholic Charities sent me to the hos- and coerced into surrendering their children. I will
pital, St. Mary's in Orange, NJ. I spent the next month continue to work toward humanizing adoption and help
in a room all by myself. My mother came to see me once a birthmothcrs any way to know that the truth sets them
I,
week the whole time I was away. That was my only visitor. "free. Even after you search and find i E it is a "good
Then on January 3, 1966 1 spent 12 hours ir~ hard labor. find" it is never over. Never, the lost years will never
30 one told me what to expect. It was the worst experi- come back to you. But you can have the comfort of know-
I I
ence of my life. I think they let me suffer for my sin. 11 ing the truth. Knowing is better than not knowing.
1 saw my daughter once in the hospital, when they let me We become different persons ourselves as we grow older,
hold her and feed her. I will never forget her big cyes if life is to be continually enriched, and we must be
looking at me as if she knew what was going to happen. I constantly making new friends. All of us are not only
left the hospital and returned with my mother to the agen- what we have willed ourselves to be, but also to a great
cy to sign the adoption papers on January 19, 1966. I extent whot our friends have made us. Again, please let
listened to everyone tell me to give this beautiful baby me thank Carol, Ron, Lucy, Mary Anne, Marsha and Alison.
girl that 1 loved to two people that could give her a good Thanks for being my friends. .
start in life. I felt that I was not deserving of my
Evelyn Zeimetz
baby. Catholic Charities never told me of foster care,
welfare, etc. They wanted a healthy, white baby. They ...............................................
wanted my "product", to sell to the adoptive parents. They
won.
A LETTER TO SHERRY
1 was allowed to go home again without my baby. I went IN THIS ISSUE) GINGER CAINE SHARES WITH US A
to work and in June 1 met my "to be" husband. We were
married in October of 1966. In June of 1967 I gave birth LETTER SHE WROTE TO HER DAUGHTER AFTER DIsto
another baby girl, which kept my sanity. But it was COVERING THAT SHERRY HAD NEVER BEEN ADOPTED AND
not over for me. I did not forget my first child and all
the guilt that I felt in surrendering her. In 1974 I gave IS INSTITUTIONALIZED (SEE FEBRUARY '82 ISSUE)
birth to a son. After his birth I was very depressed and YOU were such a beautiful baby. A head full of coal
was hospitalized four times in one year, The fourth time
J

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blackhair and big blue eyes,. ,all wrapped. up in a pink
. blanket. I .wanted you so much, but it wasn't meant to be. '
HELP
....
TO OTHERS? IF SO) PLEASE WRITE TO CAROLE
Through. the years I've thought of you so ntuch and prayed AT ADDRESS ON FRONT COVER AND NOTE ON THE ENfor
your good health and happiness. And prayed that
VELOPE "MUTUAL HELPFULNESS", IF YOU WOULD LI KE
someday I'd find you. 1 used to daydream that you were
the teenage girl I'd see sitting a few seats ahead of me A LETTER FORWARDED TO SOMEONE WHOSE LETTER APin
church, or the pretty girl walking down the street
PEARED HERE) ENCLOSE YOUR LETTER IN A BLANK)
with a group of friends. I just knew that one day my
doorbell would ring, ~ ' answer, d and there you'd be., SIGNED ENVELOPE SO I CAN ADDRESS IT AND SEND IT
Little did I know that the next time we would meet it
would .be in an institution. To Gretchen H. (see 3/82 issue),
When I finally learned where yau were, and your condition, I was Your letter in the March '82 Comunicamy
feelings were indescribable. Grief for you and what tor. Also, I couldn't help but feel angry at your daughyou'd
been through--raging anger at the agency, were the ter's rejection of you. I think contacting her must have
'major feelings.
required a tremendous amount of guts and I admire you for
it. While I have not had the same experience that you
The.'drive across the state to see you took so long. I have, as a 26 year old adoptee, I'd like to take the libnever
thought we'd get there. I was so nervous and I
8 erty of imagining what might be going on with your daugh- ,"
thought my heart would surely pound out of my chest.
,:A
ter. $: ,
..
we finally reached your building and went inside. There 5.
I have found that the last few years have brought about
you were. Your body that of a mature young lady, but great change in my life, and at 26 I feel much more my 4
;I
still very much my baby. You looked so pretty dressed own woman, with my own life separate from my parents than
in the gown I sent you. I would have imagined when I was 21. Your daughter may
It was such fun taking a walk kith you the next day, and still be trying to find her own route. She may still
then going for a ride. But my heart broke in a million live at home with her adoptive parents, or may still not
pieces when it was time for me to leave and you ran and be as clear about which values and ideas'are those that
got back in the car to show you wanted to go 'with me. they hold, and which values and ideas she chooses for
. All I could do was hand you back to the attendant, hug herself. She may just be learning to take the responsiyou,
and rush away sobbing.
bility for decisions that she makes.
How I wish things had been different, Sherry, for all of I can imagine her shock at having heard from you. She's
us. There's no wayI can make up to you for all you've probably scared to death. Knowing that you want to see
been through. I hope you realize it when I tell you I her highlights issues such as loyalty to her adoptive
'love you and that I'm your Mommy.
parents (that includes guilt!), how would you fit into
her life or her into yours, also the fact that the deci-
To. borrow from Dale Evans' book, you are my "Angel
sion of whether or not to search is no longer under her
Unaware", and I love you dearly. sole control. She has been found--you are no longer a
Ginger Caine, GA
fantasy, but a person, with a name, a face, feelings!
............................................... Her statement that she believes God used you to give her
A POEM TO THE BIRTHFATHER
adoptive parents a child absolutely reeks to me of the
"adoption bedtime story." She may have been told that
Today I saw your son
line couctless times by her adoptive parents when and if
And a smile meant just for you.
they discussed her adoption. In an effort to understand
He had no hate within his heart, she may have come to feel that way too, Do her adoptive
Only the love he got from you. parents know you have contacted her? If so, they may
He spoke to me in silence,
In the words only a parent can know.
He said he loved and knew you,
And only I could tell you so.
feel very threatened by you and she may be terrified
that in accepting you into her life she will alienate
them forever.
You mentioned in your letter that you are in contact with
an adoptem' group. In that case everything I've said
His little head held high may be redundant. I hope you hear from birthmothers who
. With a wisdom only years can give, might be able to offer help with handling the pain and
He told me to send this message: frustration. I'm sure you may have thought about why she
That for you his life he'll live.
reacted the way she did long before you wrote and right
He made a promise
now the reasons behind the reaction may not be (and
TO be just like his Dad,
should not be) as important as taking care of your own
TO love the world and life,
needs while you go through this difficult period.
. And never do a thing that's bad.
It is not my wish to hold out false hope. That would be
In but a few short moments too cruel. But just know that at significant times in
He told me how his life will be;
9 life--a birthday, graduation, thinking about having a
,# Then cuddling back in the nurse's arms, child--the desire to know my birthmother surfaces again.
He also said good-bye to me.
Each time that desire and the reasons for it become a
little more clear. I feel sure that you are no further
Cindi Bigelow, LA from your daughter's thoughts than she is from youre,
............................................. and I hope that, as she learns about herself, she faces
the fact of her relationship to you and lets you back in-,
to her life. I hope she doesn't wait too long. As an
MUTUAL HELPFULNESS
WOULD YOU LIKE ADVICE) IDEAS) OR SUPPORT FOR adoptee who has yet to find the emotional energy to search
and who has not been found, I can't help but think of how
COPING WITH AN ADOPTION-RELATED DIFFICULTY IN lucky your daughter is!
YOUR LIFE? OR DO YOU HAVE THOUGHTS TO SHARE I hope the future holds happiness and peace. It is o
WITH SOMEONE WHOSE LETTER. HAS APPEARED HERE? caring and courageous thin€ you have done.
Patty S., MA
OR) DO YOU HAVE INSIGHTS YOU FEEL MIGHT BE OF

Today is Mother's Day and like always I'm wondering if
you're thinking of me today at all. If you .are, I pray
that you know how much I love you and how often I think
of you. This month you wlll be 16 years old and I just
want to say lfappy Birthday--to my daughter, born June
2, 1966. I wlll always care and love you and pray that
one day we will meet each other again.
Margaret McCormick, NY
NOTES TO READERS
Gail Hanssen, CUB'S National Secretary, who is often buried
in mail, wrote to me to suggest that I explain about
how your newsletter gets to you, so that you'll better
understand all the things that can go wrong in the pro-
! cess.
Generally, Gail and Lee send anything that they feel I
should include in the newsletter by about the 15th of
the month before. I include that material and select
from any other submissions that have been sent to me. I
select, edit, type, and arrange the material into large
pages. I then take this to the printer, who reduces the
large pages into the size you see and prints the copies.
When the newsletter has been printed I pick up the (many,
many) boxes and drive about 179 miles away to my mother's
house, There I unload the boxes into my mother's garage,
'
from which they are picked up by Sue Melhus-Lee and/or
her very helpful husband. Sue then staplee them, sticks
labels on them, sorts them out by zip code so that they
can be properly bundled for acceptance by the post office.
She must put foreign mail into envelopes and hant
dle separately. After all that, she hauls them to the
t
post office so they can be mailed out to you. Host of
t
the time, this system works fairly well. It is, however,
a fragile system, subject to breakdown at many points
along the way. If any one of us is ill, has a sick
I child, or takes a vacation, the system breaks down. If
there are communication problems between us (when are the
newsletters to be delivered to my mother's garage, when
should labels be sent by Gail to Sue, who is taking vacation
when, etc.) the newsletter can be delayed. In addition
to the breakdowns possible, there is also the problem
of the postal service, which varies widely from state
to state. Since the newsletters are sent bulk mail, they
are not top priority for post offices. Often, I am getting
letters from members about one newsletter while othere
are upset that they have not received the previous
one, and I am working on the next. It can get awfully
confusing. We're trying, honest, to get the newsletters
out to you. We know that for many members it is the only
communication with other birthparents and the only means
of keeping in touch with adoption issues or learning
about problems that may confront them, Since we're spread
out all over the country it can be both slower and more
expensive to get the newsletter out to you than we would
like, but be assured that it is coming. If for some reason
you do not receive your newsletter, DO NOT write to
Carole. Write to HQ. Also, it is very important that you
send address changes to HQ, not to Carole or Sue.
Last but not least, please remember that this newsletter
is for you. If we're not talking about issues that concern
you, please write and say so and we'll try to address
your concerns. If you have thoughts to share, information
you feel is important, feelings you'd like to express, or
A. MOTHER'S DAY POEM TO MY BI RTHMOTHER
I think about you much more than you know.
My love for you gives my heart a warm glow.
I'm so happy I've found you; my life is complete.
I had hoped and prayed that someday we'd met.
Thank you, Mother, for being so strong,
For being there when I'd waited so long.
I love you, Ma, with a11 of my heart.
Now that I've found you our lives will not part.
Linda Rooney, MN
FEELINGS ABOUT SURRENDER AND SEARCH
Twelve years ago, I surrendered my son to adoption. I
was 19 years old and not married. I had put my son in
a foster home for two weeks so that I could regain my
strength before bringing him home. At this same time,
my mother was spending most of her time at the hospital
with my father, who had leukemia. The night before I
was to bring my son home, my father died. Everything
had changed overnight.
Griefstricken, I gave my son up for adoption. It was
the most painful decision I've ever had to face, but I
felt in my heart that it was beat for him and that I
would someday be reunited with him.
There hasn't been a.day in the last twelve years that
I haven't wondered if my son was alive, well, and
happy.
Three months ago, I found out about CUB and joined, I
feel at peace with myself just knowing ihat there are
people who care about birthmothera, and who realize
that the pain of losing a child to adoption never stops.
Thanks to another birthmother I started my search. My
social worker at the adoption agency treated me with
kindness but when I went before the judge to ask for the
original birth certificate and what was written about me
in court and agency files, he refused. He threw my file .
across the desk and told me that I had no right*. I
asked for a transcript of the hearing but he denied that
also. I felt crushed and helplees, but then I became
more determined than ever to find my son. Thank# to
God, CUB, and another birthmother, now, three months
later, I have his new name. It's like a miracle. I
still have to locate him but I feel like I'm halfway
there. My best friend gave me moral support and also
was the one who actually found my son's amended nme.
He is only 12 years old now, so when I find him it will
be through his adoptive parents that I will make contact.
Without CUB I would never have had the strength to complete
my dream of finding my one and only child.
Birthmothers and adoptees, please don't give up; your
dreams can come true.
Kathlen V.,
Have patience with all things, but first of all
with yourself.
St. Francis de Sales
anything else you'd like members to know, please write. I
would like the newsletter to be useful for each of our
The more obligations we accept that are self-immembers,
but I need your help to do it. Submissions are posed, the freer we are. --John W. Schroeder
always needed l
send- your contribution soon.
Carole Anderson
WI

".
11
I
I
ADOPTION LAWS ARE CRYING OUT FOR REFORM
who are fighting any change. In October, there was a "TOday"
show segment about the adoption reform controversy,
THIS ARTICLE APPEARED IN THE NEW JERSEY OPINION
the program having been sparked by the events unfolding
SECTION OF THE NEW YORK TIMES, IT IS REPRINTED
in New Jersey.
HERE WITH THE PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR) WHO IS
ACTIVE IN BOTH CUB AND ORIGINS) ALISON WARD, Early in October, Origins' members held a press confer-
In the past six months, newspaper articles, letters-to- ence in Princeton, where a grand jury was to be empanthe
editor columns and television have dealt with the eled as a result of the Attorney General's investigation
controversy over adoption reform. Even those not in- into the alleged sale of information from adoption recvolved
in the adoption triangle have become aware of the ords.
fight to make adoption more open and humane.
For the first time, women publicly demanded their right
The battle has included a deception filmed by a tele- to knowledge of the health and well-being of the sons 0..
vision crew, the conviction of an adoptee for having daughters they had lost to adoption. They were joined by
used his position to obtain sealed adoption information a number of adoptees and adoptive parents in demanding
and a well-attended public hearing on an Assembly bill that the Attorney General redirect his investigation to
. to open adoption records to adult adoptees born in New the abuses and practices of the state's adoption agencies
Jersey.
and' investigate the inequities of New Jersey' s adoption
eye tem.
A major force behind adoption reform in the state is the
presence of active, vocal organizations of women who sur- In November, Ronald Buchmann, an adoptee who had helped
rendered their children for adoption. Regardless of the countless others find family members lost to adoption in
outcome, adoption in New Jersey will never be the same. New .Jersey, pleaded guilty to one count of official misconduct.
As a state employee, he had used his creden-
There has been much publicity about adoptees and their tials in an unauthorized manner to gain access to sealed
natural mothers having found each other without having adoption records.
gone through agency channels. Although most people can
empathize with a person's need and right to link up with At his sentencing in December, Mr. Buchmann was fined
his or her lineage, many others--especially adoption only $1,000, perhaps because the judge understood why an
agencies and adoptive parents who fear openness in adop- adoptee could want so deeply to help others find the
tion--fight adoption reform tooth and nail.
missing parts of themselves.
Lest Mother's Day, a New Jersey woman was quoted in a Although the fine was small, the penalty was great: Mr.
Newark Star-Ledger article as having said that she had Buchmann lost both his job and his pension.
paid sorneone.named "~ack" $350 for information needed to One week before the sentencing, a public hearing was held
find her daughter, This admission, coupled with a flurry in Trenton on Assembly Bill 2051, which dealt with open
of other reunion stories in New Jersey, alarmed adoptive records for adult adoptees . Assemblyman George J. Otlowparent
groups and agencies all over the state.
ski of Perth Amboy, chairman of the Institutions, Health
Thinking that they could put a stop to search activity in and Welfare Cowittee, said that the legislators had rethe
state, an adoptive couple from Northern New Jersey ceived more mail on that measure than on any other bill
persuaded the husband's cousin--a woman who had given up in the Assembly 's history.
her own son for adoption and who now lives in Texas--to On December 9, the Assembly chamber was filled with hunshare
her information with them so they could deceive dreds of adoptees and parents--and a few adoptive parents
those involved in searching in New Jersey. The cousin and social workers--who were there in support of open
was told that if she really loved the son She Surrendered records. Women whose children had been adopted opposed
12 years ago, she would cooperate. the bill, not because it went too far, but because it did
In late June, the adoptive parents attended a peer coun- not go far enough. (For example, an intermediary would
seling meeting in Cherry Hill of Concerned United Birth- have been required for a parent searching for his or her
parents. They masqueraded as a grieving mother and her
son Or daughter)
supportive spouse seeking to find the son She had lost to Unfortunately, only a third of those scheduled to speak
adoption 12 years before. They were aided in their decep- were able to do so in the time provided, and it was finally
tion by WNBC-TV and Betty Furness, herself an adoptive decided that the bill would not move out of committee. Algrandmother.
so, since its sponsor, Assemblyman Albert Burstein of Tena-
Wearing hidden microphones, the adoptive parents taped the fly, did not run for re-election last year, the measure
CUB anguish, me tigrieving played her will need a new sponsor before any action can be taken.
part well, even shedding crocodile tears for her 110nexis- Although many people can empathize with an adoptee's right
tent lost son.
to know, they have difficulty comprehending why a parent,
She was given the address of Origins, a search and support most often the natural mother, feels a similar need and
group for women who have lost children to adoption. In has a similar right. The mothersi plight is only not beaddition,
because CUB members have a natural sympathy for ginning to become known, as was the adoptees' plight 10
a fellow mother in pain, she was given the name and tele- years
, hone number of a contact who might be able to help her The steretyped myth is that the mother did not want to keep
search for her son.
her child and was happy to give her baby to a married cou-
In late July, the adoptive father, still playing his role, ple to raise. She was able to get on with her life and,
met the search contact to get identifying information (for except for Some longing on birthdays and holidays, never
a fee of $350). When data about the son's adopted name looked back on a sorry episode that she wanted ro forget.
and current address were eventually handed to him, a The women later ma-ried and had other children, who made
w~~BC-TV camera crew and the ahowi8 producer descended UPon up for the loss of her firot child, No one knew about the
the two, hoping to snare "Jack." However, they were child's existence; it was kept a deep secret because the
appointed when met instead by a natural mother acting as mother did not want anyone to know that she had been guilty
an intermediary.
of such an indiscretion.
In August and November, WNBC-TV showed two four-~art Beg- Even if she wondered how her son or daughter was faring,
ments on adoption reform efforts and the views of those the woman knew that she had entered into a contract and
I

could not come back into her child's life.
The truth--the reality--is quite different. A typical
mother wanted desperately to keep her child, but was
pressured and coerced by family, friends, clergemen, social
workers, and society's mores to feel that, if ehe
really loved her child, she had no alternative to adoption.
She was numbed by the experience of having to surrender
her parental rights within a short time of her baby's
birth. As the years go on, her anguish and grieving
become more, not less, intense.
The woman is never able to get on with her life because
a big part of her is missing. She may never have had
other children because the trauma of losing her child was
so great; even if she has other children, they can never
fill the void that the surrendered child left behind.
The woman's relationship with her husband and other
children, her ability to trust and to love and her self
image have all been negatively affected by losing her
I child, usually her first-born,,to adoption and by the
"counseling" she was given before, during and after the
I adoption.
i
1 She now feels more open in talking about her experience.
She reads articles and sees television shows about re-
has no moral grounds on which to stand.
If more open and humane adoption is a legal issue, it is
because we, as a society, have codified our biaees and ignorance.
Our laws in New Jersey must be changed to acknowledge
that it is perfectly natural for members of
the adoption triangle to want to know one another. It is
impossible to erase the bonds of mother and child from the
minds and souls of adoptees and their mothers.
In this imperfect world, there will always be a need and
a place for adoption.
Let us work together to reform our state's adoption practices
and laws with the end that, in the future, adoptees
J
would recognize themselves--not with a sense of being rejected,
but with the knowledge of who they truly are: .
People with adoptive parents who love them deeply, but who
I
were also born to a mother whose love was so great that she
made the ultimate sacrifice for their welfare.
THE "BETTER LIFE" LED TO PRISON
Suzanne ~uniga surrendered her 6 day old son for adoption
in 1959. Like many other birthmothers, she surrendered her
son because of lack of family support and the belief that
adoption could offer her son a better life.
unions between adoptees and their mothers, and prays that She could not forget her son, though, and spent $15,000 on
one day she, too, will be "found," although she may not
attorneys and a detective before locating him in 1981.
feel she is ready to eearch for her son or daughter.
Now Suzanne Raikes, since her marriage in 1974, she works
Other women actively search for their children, not to at a Dallas cafeteria for $4.65 per hour and cennot afford
seek custody but, rather, to learn if their children are many trips from Texas to North Carolina to visit at the
alive and well and to be available to alleviate the ad- prison in which she finally located him.
optee's inevitable fear of rejection.
Many women feel compelled to search after hearing true
horror stories of adoption abuse, such as the surrendered
child who was born with a severe handicap not
evident at birth. The child was never adopted and was
institutionalized; however, her mother was never notified,
although .the agency knew that she wanted her
child back.
Other adoptees have been rejected by their adoptive
families and thrown back into the foster care system
without the mother's ever being notified, even though
ehe might now be able to provide a home for her child.
Her son, now Riccardo Hernandez, was 19 when he got in.
trouble. Then a 19 year old Fort Bragg private, he and
another soldier burglarized two homes. At the second bow
they were confronted by the residents, and produced guns
they had taken from the first house. Theytook jewelry
and fled, but no one was injured. The following day, Hernandez
gave police a statement, returned the loot and admitted
his part in the burglaries. He pleaded guilty to
second-degree burglary, larceny and armed robbery.
He was sentenced by Superior Court Judge James Bailey to
16 years to life, later reduced to 16 to 25 years, and
will not be eligible for parole until 1990.
Until agencies are made accountable for thei~ actions Mrs. Raikes feels the eentence is excessive, citing such
and policies, any woman who needs to know the truth examples as a man who murdered two people being sentenced
about her child will be forced to search on her own. to 10 years in the same state. Riccardo was only 19 and
a f irst offender, and had returned the stolen prbperty
Women like myself, who have continued to love and have and guilt in a which not injured
concern for our lost children, are tired of being preanyone.
Is the theft of property that is returned more
sented as women living in shadowe who desire protecserious
than the taking of lives?
tion and anonvmitv, . . We never asked for or wanted the
confidentiality, which is a basic tenet of the closed Mrs. Raikes has written reams of letters trying to gain
adoption system.
support for her campaign to convince Governor Jim Hunt to
pardon her son or commute his sentence. She has not yet
who search are mothers who care' and we resent visited her son because she also wants to see Covernor n
being presented as selfish threats to our children and
Hunt, and hopes to combine both goals in one trip due to
their families if we wish to find them.
financial limitations. Prison officials ~ermitted a con-
I I
We do not regard our children as property" to be sto- ference call that included Riccardo, Mrs. Raikes, Riccarlen,
fought over or owned. Nothing would be more tra- do's birthfather, the birth grandmother and a half brother.
gic than having parents and adoptive parents at war
Interviewed later at the prison, Riccardo said the call
with one another when, in fact, we share the most pre- "felt real good. It was a feeling I'd never had because I
cious bond: love and concern for the same child.
felt real whole." Riccardo was obsessed with finding his
Adoptees in New Jersey are told that their records are family from the age of 7. When in crowds of people he
sealed to protect the rights of the mother. It should would look at everyone to see if he resembled anyone in
be evident by now that most mothere do not want pro- hopes that perhaps his father or mother would be among
tection and confidentiality from their own children. them and would claim him. He thought that with enough
Like it or not, eearc hes will continue within or out- money he could return to the adoption bureau and buy the
side agency channels.
informatioa that would allow him to find his family, and
conceived the idea of burglarizing the homes as a way of
Many of the issuee touched upon in New Jersey adoption raising the money he thought he needed to search.
reform are moral, not legal, issues. There is a Chinese
proberb: A man falls back on legalities when he Riccardo has little hope that his mother will be able to

obtain his release. "She wants me to get out and everything,
but she doesn't realize that it's not that easy.
Even though I'm in here, I'm really happy now because I
know who my mother is at last. II
Suzanne has written to CUB and has sent newspaper clippings'and
copies of letters to and from officials regarding
her son's case. She asks that members appeal to
North Carolina Governor Jim Hunt to support pardoning her
son or commuting his sentence. She feels that her son is
in prison today because of her surrendering him to adoption,
prejudice against his Mexican heritage, and the
closed record system of adoption that made him so desperate
he would consider stealing in order to find his birth
fnmily.
Members wishing to contact Mrs. Raikes may write to:
Suzanne Raikes, P.O. Box 59645, Dallas, TX 75229.
(214) 357-7139 or 247-7175.
IF ONE ADVANCES CONFIDENTLY IN THE DIRECTION OF HIS DREAMS,
AND ENDEAVORS TO LIVE THE LIFE WHICH HE HAS IMAGINED, HE
WILL MEET WITH A SUCCESS UNEXPECTED IN COMMON HOURS...IF
YOU HAVE BUILT CASTLES IN THE AIR, YUVR WORK NEED NOT BE -
LOST: THAT IS WHERE THEY SHOULD BE. NOW PUT FOUNDATIONS
UNDER THEM.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
A HAPPY REUNION FOR 31 YEAR OLD ADOPTEE
Iwould like to share a wonderful story with you.
I am a 31 year old female adoptee. I was adopted
by my foster parents. They are wonderful parents
and also adopted my step brother Dan, age 35. We
were told when I was 6 that we were both adopted.
I was as shocked as a 6 year old could be. Then
as I grew older it bothered me not to know who I
really was and who my parents were and whether I
had any brothers and sisters' I always felt as
though-I never really belonged to anyone. I never
really had an identity. When I was 17 I promised
myself that someday, somehow I would find my
birthparents.
My adoptive mother gave me my motheras name, and
when I was 31 she finally agreed to give me my
birth record and all the other information she
had. She had the birth card from the hospital
and a check slip which had my natural motherls
address on it. I couldn't believe it. I made as
many long distance calls as I could but kept hitting
a dead end.
We (I am married and have 3 beautiful children)
decided to visit a.lifelong girlfriend of mine in
Michigan and then go to Columbus, Ohio, to look
for my family. We were in Columbus for 1 hour
and I made 5 telephone calls under my mother's
maiden name. On the fifth call I got a cousin of
mine. One hour later he took me to my mother.
I canlt put into words what happened. My girlfriend
was there and took pictures of us meeting
for the first time and of me and my grandmother.
It was the most beautiful day of my entire life.
I also have 3 brothers and 3 sisters, all of whom
live there. I've seen them all.
This has been a dream come true, but most of all
a miracle from God, because I know He made this
happen. He answered my prayer on that wonderful
day. He made this beautiful story happen. There
is so much more to share, but I can't write it
all in words.
.
Linda D., WI
POEM -- JULY 25, 1964
High school, female, alone and seventeen,
With a baby inside, do you know what I mean?
Frightened and scared, happy and sad,
All adults could say was, "You are bad."
I loved you from the moment I knew,
Whatever will I name you, just anyone won't do.
As the months lingered on and you grew inside of me,
I felt all your moving and kicking with glee.
The date has come to go to the home,
Packed all my belongings, clothes, toothbrush and comb.
Oh my God, the time is growing nigh,
I'd lie on my bed every day and I'd cry.
Don't take my baby, don' t take her away,
My life won't amount to a pile of hay.
How could this happen and why I'm so scared,
Is there anyone out there--Out there that cared?
The pains are hard, the time has arrived,
For my baby and me--Oh dear God, will I survive?
I saw you for a moment as they held you up high,
I looked at you--you're beautiful, and I started to cry.
They took you away, "It's best," they all said,
For whom,I would question; I wished I were dead.
FOR MY BABY, MY DAUGHTER, MY LIFE, MY FIRST BORN,
"Forget i t , forget it, " my parents would scorn.
I can't, I won't, 1'11 love her forever.
The papers are signed, the ties are all severed.
I'll wait and I'll hope and 1'11 pray,
Somewhere, sometime I'll pick up the phone,
nMother, it's Mary; I want to come home."
Janet Elaine Czap Bobicz
LIVING AS A BI RTHPARENT
I hate to go back to the subject of apathy again, but so
far the response to our request for birthparents to send
articles for our planned book on Living as a Birthpnrent
has been disappointing.
While many topics have been discussed in the newsletters
over the years, and some articles that have appeared in
past issues will undoubtedly be included, I would like to
include as much new material as possible.
I know there are many of you who have important insights
to share. 1 also know that putting your thoughts into
words can be difficult, as well as easy to put off until
tomorrow. Please, though, do make an effort to write up
your submissions for this project.
Especially needed are articles (rather than poetry) dealing
with specific topics. Examples might include such
topics as how you told your children about their sibling
and what their feelings ere now toward you and their missing
brother or sister. Or perhaps an article contrasting
your perceptions about adoption at the time you surrendered
with how you see it now. Or how birthparenthood
affected your subsequent pregnancies, if any. Take a look
at the April issue for more suggestions on topics we would
like to address.
Address submissions to me at the address listed on the
front cover. On the envelope, please write "Living as a
BP," Be sure to include a statement that says, "You have
my permission to use the enclosed article titled
I'
in Living as a Birthparent. My name should appear as -
Don't feel you must limit yourself to only one submission.
Carole Anderson

*. 0 ~ dktion Searchbook, by Mary Jo Rillera. An excellent book to guide you through the complicated maze of search, FREEW~~~ a $10 donation.
'
~'Adoptlon Triangle. ~esearchers Dr. Arthur Sorosky, Reuben Pannor and Annette Baran have reported on their research on the nee2 for
adoption reform in this timely and important work. Now available in paperback, it is available FREE with a $9.00 donation.
*,
Birthmark. Journalist Lorraine Dusky has written a memoir relating how an unwanted pregnancy changed one woman and led to hen!
~nvolvement in the open records movement and determination to one day find her daughter. In hardcover, FREE with a $9.00 donation.
"The ~irthparent's Right to Know, by Lee Campbell, CUB President. Reprint from the 1979 issue of Public Welfare magazine. FREE with a
$1.00 donation.
0 Choices, Chances, --. . Changes: - --.- AGuide to Making an, Informed Choi.ce Abput Your .&timely Pregnancy. ,T_his 62 page booklet by Carole
Andersan, CUB Vice President, Lee Campbell, CUB President, and Mary Anne ~oien"is the culmination of a endeavor to protect me
dignity -7f choice and enhance the self-esteem of vulnerable pregnant women while gently offering the real but heretofore taboo sides of the issttes.
It is crud 11 reading for every mother who is uncertain about - the fate of her pregnancy. FREE with a $;1.00domcion.
.
0,Death by Adoption. Joss Shawyer has written a no-holds-barred account of the tactics used by society to swindle women out of their children.
FREE with a $9.00 donation.
0 Eternal Punishment of Women: Adoption Abuse. Written by Carole Anderson, CUB Vice President, with Lee Campbell, CUB President, and
Mary Anne Cohen, this is an important work - a feminist perspective on society's treatment of unmarried mothers. FREE with a $1.00 donation.
0 Helping Hand, compiled by Gail M. Hanssen, CUB National Secretary. A how-to work with agencies and courts to document your experience as
a birthparent, obtain information, and release "protection". Also useful to non-birthparents. FREE to CUB members. Others, FREE with $3.00
donation.
. . .
I
I
I
I'm Still Me. Author Betty Jean Lifton's newest book about an adopted teenager, her questions and her search is certain to move you, especially
if you are interested in the needs of minor adoptees. FREE with a $9.00 donation.
1 Would Have Searched Forever, by Sandra Kay Musser, CUB Vice President. A book revealing one birthmother's true story. FREE with a
$8.00 donation.
. .tStrthparents ~crrpecnvc. AII irnpnctarll educatior~at rwi dus~yt~ed oy LUB leaders, this pamphlet answers the tough questions that
are typically posed to us. Clarified and explained is CUB'S perspective on many diverse, controversial and perplexing issues. FREE
with $1.00 donation.
I
OHelping Women Cope With Grief. By granting in this trailblazing work equal space to, and drawing parallels between,
birthmothers, widows and battered women, Dr. Phyllis Silverman has affirmed the loss and grief of birthmothers. Blending
interviews with birthmothers with a sensitive, but realistic, clinical and feminist overview, Dr. Silverman offers her thoughtful
perception of the stages and challenges which mark our special coping process. FREE with a $7.00 donation.
. .
My Family, geneologically designed scrapbook for non-adoption persons. FREE with $7.00 donation.
0 My Family, Genealogically designed scrapbook for adoptees. FREE with $7.00 donation.
O My Family, geneologically designed scrapbook for birthparents, to complete now to preserve your surrendered child's heritage.FREE with
$7.00 donation.
Orphan Voyage. Mother of adoption reform movement, Jean Paton, writes this historical account of its beginnings. FREEwith a donation of
$9.00.
0 The Social Worker's Role in Adoption. Article by Carole Anderson, CUB Vice President and newsletter editor and herself a social worker,
examines the feelings of birthmothers at surrender and the role of the social worker. FREE with a $1.00 donation.
0 Our booklet. Understanding the Birthparent, compiled by Lee Campbell, CUB President. Twenty-four birthparents convey a vivid insider's
t.iclw of .;urrunriuring children FREE with a $3.00 donation.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
D Information Packet. Interested in educating your agency, your parents, adoptive parents or others through a specially selected packet of CUB
materials? In addition to a one year subscription to the Comunicator, a cover letter explaining CUB and that a CUB member donated the packet wlll
be included with a Birthparent's Perspective, Choices, Chances, Changes, Social Worker's Role in Adoption, and two of the books listed above
(depending on availability). Purchased separately this packet would be more than the $25.00 donati~n fog this packet that "puts it-all together" for
you. Specify: Use my name in the Cover letter, do not use my name
-GIFTS-
*'
+
11 TinyLceramic . .. .... bpars are sure to tug at your . . . heartstrings
- .-.- A gift . for a special . sdmebody (you?). FREE with a $1.00 donation.
, . ...-.. - . . .
0 Vinyl bumper stickir: "Birthparents Care. ..forever". $I.@
0 Engraved Contribution Card honoring a beloved on a special occasion; to be mailed now or saved for the future. Specify occasion (birthday?
reunion?) and the name of the honoree. If you would like this listed in the "Hope and Happiness" column in the Communicator, be sure to specify
how would like it to appear and whether to use full names. Minimun separate donation of $5.00.
0 P.q#B-ge of 20 foldover notes imprinted with the CUB logo, $ 5.00 donation.
b YeWb t-shim with CUB logo and words, "Birthparents Care. ..Forever". Men's size: 0 small, 0 medium, 0 large
Ordered by:
Name:
Address
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ALL MONIES SENT TO CUB ARE TAX OEDUCTIBLE
Ship to (if different):
POSTAGE AND HANDLING INCLUDED
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Address:
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',

. . . . . . . , .
. . . . . .
REPRESENTATIVES
JOB DESCRIPTION: Educator of CUB and birthparenthood within 100 mile
radius of area. Does not handle money or keep books.
BRANCHES
JOB DESCRIPTION: Educator of CUB and birthparenthood with in 100 mile
radius of area and rovider of services for birthparents.
QUALIFICATIONS: Energetic, articulate, resourceful; willing to solicit QUALIFICATION^: As ftated under representatives. Also five area
media coverage; to adhere to CUB goals & philosophy; to make a 2 year
commitment to the position. This was created for individuals who do not yet
have a core group to form a branch.
members, three of whom are willing to assume 2 year positions of
Coordinator, Secretary, and Treasurer. Must sign a Petition for Branchhood.
WOULD-BE LEADERS: Write to your area's Regional Coordinator (listed on cover).
Representatives
Branches
ALASKA IOWA NEW YORK CALIFORNIA
Jana Vee Shedlock Jean McLaughlin Janet Scarpati Kathy Sly
7105 Shooreson Circle 2005 Vine St. 25 Nagle Ave. 7571 Westminster Ave.
Anchorage, AK 99504 W. Des Moines, IA 50265 New York; NY 10040 Westminster, CA 92683
CALIFORNIA LOUlSANA NEW YORK FLORIDA
Randee Benson Claudia Smith Eileqn Sammarone Barbara McGee
P.O. Box 15398 P.O. Box 154 2 Stemmer Lane 8257 Greenleaf Circle
San Diego, CA 92115 LaPlace, LA 70068 Suffern, NY 10901 Tampa, F1. 33615
CALIFORNIA MAINE NORTH CAROLINA MASSACHUSETTS
Linda D. Kane Carol Simpson Stacy S. Miller ' also serving VT, RI
235 W. Quinto #2 RFD 2 4916 Brentwood Rd. Libbi Campbell
Santa Barbara, CA 93105 Hilton's Ln Durham, NC 27713 P.O. Box 396
CALIFORNIA
No. ~erwick, ME 03906 Cambridge, MA 02138
Suzanne Rubin
OHIO
11514 Ventura Blvd. MICHIGAN Darla Burrier MINNESOTA
Suite A #I79 Debbie Bryan 26 Laurel Dr Pamela Bolduc
Studio City, CA 91604 1201 So. Hanover St. Pataskala, d~ 43062 Box 33222
(213) 762-4420 Hastings, MI 49058 Minneapolis, MN 55433
OREGON
CALIFORNIA. MICHIGAN Maryl Walling-Millard NEW JERSEY
Judy Key-Dominguez
Mary Scholten
Julie Bissey
2190-13 Patterson Dr.
1001 Bridgeway #I74 633 E, 11th Street Eugene, Or 97405 P.O. Box 115
Sausaljto, CA 94964 Holland, MI 49423 Haddon Hgts., NJ 08035
PENNSYLVANlA
OHIO
COLORADO . MINNESOTA
Chris Frank Carol Colon
Joyce Villanueva Robin Lee Ryant 2800 W. Chestnut Ave. P.O. Box 424
P .O. Box 22904 Star Rt. 2, Box 233
Altoona, PA 16603
Perrysburg, OH 43551
Denver, CO 80222
Hibbing, MN 49423
PENNSYLVANIA
TEXAS
CONNECTICUT
MISSOURI
Kathy Sawyer
Donna Mocarsky Susal Foglesong Sandy Musser Box 1527
Box 526 P.O. Box 26514 Box 156 Plano, TX 75075
Rocky Hill, CT 96067 Kansas City, MO 64196 Oaklyn, NJ 08107
TEXAS
FLORIDA NEVADA SOUTH CAROLINA Janice Hargus
Brenda Rodriguez Cheryl Kirker Carolyn Piekielniak Box 42587
455 Branan Field Rd 320 Vandalia Street 2009 Center Sp. Rd. Houston, TX 77042
Middleburg. FL 32068 Las Vegas, NV 89106 Edgefield, SC 29824
WASHINGTON, D.C./MD/V
GEORGIA NEW HAMPSHIRE WISCONSIN Carol Jean Setola
Joanna Howard Susan Daggett Joan Arnette 12709
3374 Aztec Rd., Apt 35C P.O. Box 64 R. 1 12709 Prospect Knolls
Doraville, GA 30340 Merrimack, NH 03054 Cameron, WI 54822 Bowie, MD 20715
IDAHO NEW YORK WISCONSIN
Carol Bugni Susan Fuller Mimi Notestein
Box 5202 102 North St P.O. Box 11752
Boise, ID 83705 Manlius, NY 13104 Milwaukee, WI 53211
ILLINOIS
Marie Cavaleri
156 W. Burton PI.
Chicago, IL 60610
IOWA
Vicki Adams
4510 N. Linwood
Davenport, IA 52804
MEMBERS: If you live withln 100 mlies of a Branch (not a Representative). do send it ywr dues They
use half to meet area needs Others. send to HQ

NON-PROFIT ORG .
U.S.POSTAGE
PAID
DAVENPORT, IOWA
PERMIT NO. 3001
Other Leaders
Patricia Palmer
Legislative Reporter
213 S.W. Fiynn Drive
Ankeny, IA. 50021
Carol Gustavson
Liaison Committee Chair
c/o HQ
Alison Ward
Family Advocacy Chair
c/o HQ
Charleen Justice
CUB Sister Chair
Box A292
Deptford, N.J. 08096
Susan Mei hus-Lee
Newsletter Distributor
c/o HQ
REGIONAL COORDINATORS
Pat Murphy
CUBHarvard Square Station
Box 396
Cambridge, MA 02138
MA ... CT ... NH ... RI ... VT ... ME
Canada-Quebec and New
Brunswick
Mickey Carty
2707 So. G St.
Richmond. IN 47374
Sandy Musser
Box 156
Oaklyn, NJ 08107
NC.. .SC.. .TN.. . FL.. .AL.. .GA.. .
MS ... LA ... AK
Pamela Boiduc
10857 Mississippi Blvd.
Coon Rapids, MN 55433
MN ... KY ... IN ... MI ... IL
MO ... IA ... Wi
Kathy Sawyer
Box 1527
Plano, TX 75074
TX... NM ... OK ... CO ... NB ...WY.
KS ... SD ... ND ...
Canada Saskatchewan and
Manitoba
Sandee Tucclo
9693 Continental Dr.
Huntington Beach, CA 92646
CA ... AZ ... NV ... ID ... MT ... WA..
OR ... UT ... HI ... AK ...
CanadaAlberta and Bri tish
Columbia. Guam

I trust year-end will find us on the solid bank of
Financial Strait, but the sum needed to keep us current
Our friend, Carole Anderson, is going to Sweden for a
now isn't there. Please take a look at the graph, opposite.
much deserved vacation, which means the deadline for my
column has been moved up. I'm glad. We have serious
Our first quarter showed a loss of $1,169.48. While not
business to discuss. Neither of us can ignore what is depicted in tllr gldph, we lost another $585 in April. At
happening right now with our finances.
this rate of loss we should not survive beyond September.
Since last June I have written proposals to local
Yet, I know we will. Our history, our pride, our enorl~v
companies, national companies, non-traditional found-
our commitment will pull us through as always. And today
ations, federal agencies, people with money, people with
we can call upon the largest membership we've ever tltrti
big hearts. I've pulled together a direct mail appeal to
I
10,000 folks. I've become entrepeneur by offering And, so we are calling on you. Our need is to acquire
hsiness services performed by the teens in our "B.E.T."
funds by July 31st. Can you spare an extra $10.00 or
program. I've proposed, and we're beginning accepting,
$5.00? If you really, really can't-then perhaps two, or even
- advertisements in the Communicator. one, dollars? It will all help.
From my proposals we received funding for our teens
and for myself as their teacher, which ended May 28. One
- We've made mistakes in the past. For example, the
35,000 people who wrote us before last June when we
officially became a passive search group were referred
elsewhere on our time, our stamps our printing, for free.
Please go now - or very, very soon - to your wallet and
envelope drawer. Please drop your dollar(s) in the mail.
Know as you do this you are echoing the movements of
your fellow CUBers around the country who are also
rallying. I've never before devoted a whole column to ail
appeal for funds but, as I warned earlier, this is serious
and I needed to responsibly present this problem to you
for your action.
This, in conjunction with our other free programs and
services, has cost us dearly. On one level we know we
weren't being economically rational, but it felt so good to
With time, we've sobered to two realizations: we need
to charge for services to keep on giving them, and people
need to pay for them to take responsible contt'ol for their
I hope you agree these are valid points, for we need
your cooperation. The friend you share your
Communicator with.. .for the sake of continuing CUB
WANTED
services, forher sake, please gently point to this column Person to make mat boards to frame the poems be
when you pass your Communicator along. The petso~l selling as a fund-raiser.
sitting next to you at the CUB meeting for the third rnonth
without joining ...p lease press for a financial commitment
to match the emotional gains.Your friends in other
groups.. .please wave freely the CUB banner to alert them
' to our unique ability to help the cause by simply existing,
though our activities are also intensely timely and
worthwhile, like aid to families and youths in crisis. We
must more aggressively seek members. The apparent
New Board Elected
result of my funding efforts is that to survive, we must
At CUB'S election meeting held in April the following
continue for a while longer to rely on mumb~rship dues
people were elected to CUB'S Board of Directors for the
and special service fees. Until our Public Awareness and
term June 1, 1982 - June 1, 1984: Carole Anderson, Lee
education efforts de-condition the execut~vtis u hu make
Campbell, Susan Daggett, Gail Hanssen, and Alison
funding decisions, we lose to others whose time has come.
It seems we must wait our turn until we too become
Ward. They join Regional Coordinators whose terms
encompass their length of service as Regional Coordinators.

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., , ,.. . . . . . . . . . ....;.. . .......... . . .
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. . . . . .
........ ........
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. . .. .. . .
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, ...... .*. ,. '.
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SHORT ISSUE
HOPE '
B
,
HAPP I NESS '
NO doubt you'll notice, if you haven't already, that "I wo,uld ''like t o make a
this issue' is only 12 pages instead of our usual 16. or a very dear f riend--L
.,
. .
There are many reasons for that. One is that' the selfishly gave of her ti
annual AAC conference took up a good deal of time. not only in locating our
Another is that I'll soon be leaving for my vacation family, but in also contacting them and.
and my time is very limited. Yet another is that we counseling them and me. There is no dearer
are trying to sell our home so I can't leave letters friend than one who give
and CUB stuff strewn all over the spare bedroom like is our dear friend, Lynne Geary ." Gale
I usually do. Despite all those reasons, though, I Burlingame, Route 2, Box 312-A, Gainesville
guess the most important is that I've overdosed on FL 32601.
doing the newsletter and I need a short rest. Be
assured,though, that next month the Communicator "To Jeff, who made my life complete
when we 'met' again after 21
' , will be back to its usual length,
'There are moments in life when it would be
It's tough to put together a newsletter that will wonderful if the world would stop. ..so those
meet the needs of each of our members. We have some moments could last forever.
b1rthparents.who have been members for years, while
Much love, Mickey Carty
others have just joined. That means that we have
"Dear Virisa, I've loved you since day 1. '
members in a vast variety of circumstances and
I'll'love
coping with different stages of birthparenthood. An you always. think of you daily. Very soon we'll
article on coming out of the closet may be "old hatM be together, I just know it. .I love you, your
to long-time members, but it may be just what a new mother, Kati Stowers, Florida ."
person needs. An article about post-reunion prob-
- lens may be helpful to many people who've also had "On this day, your 41st birthday; August 3, your
such difficulties or who are just approaching reun- very being has not been erased from my torn and torion
and need to know what to expect, but It may ap- tured soul, my destroyed heartand every part of my
pear impossibly distant to a person who is just now body which is a part of yours. You are my one and
deciding whether or not to begin a search, Hope- only child who is somewhere on this earth, bit
fully, members will send in a variety of articles where? I know not what your life hasbeen like, nor
that reflect the dlversi ty of thought of the people do I know whether you have had the fortune of having
in CUB so that each issue will have something for adoptive parents to love you, to 'endow upon you the
everyone. ,
blessings of a home life which I was not able to
. . give you. ' Every day of your life I have prayed for
. .
,. If you don1 t see articles that deal with the prob- you and thoughts of you are perpetual. I have
lems .or thoughts you're concerned with, write one. grieved silently. ...Wherever you are my darling
Or request one from others who have been there before daughter, I will find you if my search takes me the
. . .
'you. 1t is usually ,most helpful to discuss specific rest of my life, forever. I love you. Happy birthtopics
in articles, such as rejection, feelings day, darling." Mother, Natalie Roberts Vargo, Mt.
about birthfathers, or telling children, rather than Pleasant , SC .
writing "your story."
"My love has never ended, my search only
I'd also like to point out that I try very hard to just begun. Happy 18th birthday, son!
print a representative newsletter, including the To Todd .Chandler Thomas. " Suzanne Pet tinger,
thoughts of all members who take the time to write, Chari ton, IA .
and not a newsletter that reflects only ny own opinions.
Sure, I print lots of articles I agree with,
but I also print many I don't. We're all birthparents,
and we all have the right to feel however we THE GLADNEY IDENTITY SONG
feel. Nothing is more pointless than to tell someone
how she or he "should" feel. I'm proud that Those who attended CUB'S wine and cheese party at
CUB can respect the differences amng birthparents the AAC conference in San Antonio were treated to
and aid all of us in respecting one another's ex- Warren Si egmond and friends singing an impromptu
. periences and views. We've had enough of judging,
song made up by Warren to the tune of "I've Been
so I'm glad that CUB is all about tolerance and Working on the Railroad." For those who have not
choice instead. --Carole Anderson heard of the Edna Gladney Home and its director
Ruby piester, please refer to the July, 1981 is-
. sue of the newsletter, The home is noted for its
getting more mothers to surrender their babies
CORRECT I ON
----------------I---------------
than other homes and seems to be thriving in
the adoption BUSINESS. Ruby was a founder of
Marsha Riben's article about birthmothers, which was the for a group
to appear in the May woman's Life, will instead ap- that promotes the separation of young families
pear later. If you wish to request it, be sure to because it views the reduction in the number of
specify that you want the fifth issue. You can children available for adoption as a tragedy.
write to Women's Life, 22 East 49th Street, New York, The home stresses secrecy, regarding openness in
NY 10017. Enclose $1.95. adoption as some thing to be strongly opposed.
........................................ We're the graduates of Gladney,
I I ....the re is often great fear in exchanging
the security of the familiar, no matter
how constricting, for the risks of the
Glad as we can be,
'Cause Ruby told us not to worry
bout identity.
And our birth does not perplex us.
We know where we come from,
unknown. " --Howard M. Halpern From a building down in Texas
And not from a tummy-tum-tum.

.
This ad appeared in the May 24, 1982 issue of TIME magazine's L.A. issue and was sent to me
by Suzanne Rubin. As you can see, the National Committee for Adoption's primary concern
.appears to be directed toward those couples who want babies, while they demonstrate no sensitivity
to adoptees' feelings. How would you like your child to read an ad like this, an
ad that implies adoptees were unwanted? What could be further from the truth? What might
reading such an ad do to adoptees' feelings about themselves? Note, too, that the ad does
not picture handicapped or older children, who are now available for adoption in record numbers,
but instead shows a healthy white infant--the kind of child who is least likely to
need a home but is most sought after by would-be adopters (such as the couples described in
the newsclip on page 6 ). Although most folks want to adopt only perfect babies, there are
very, very few infants who aren't wholeheartedly wanted by their own families, a fact that
the NCFA doesn't mention. "Adoption is a better way...", better than what? Better than
helping families and children stay together? Remember the NCFA1s previously stated goal'of
making adoption THE option for young, single, or troubled parents? Write to let them know
what you think. When you see misleading ads, write to the publication that printed them to
express your objections.
< 4
Help Us Work F& the Adoption .
of Unwanted CMdren
- -
We're the National Committee For Adoption, a rapidly growing group
of' people coast to coast who think it's senseless and tragic that thouto
adopt while the number
&
w
H'you think adoption is a better way, join us. Call our number
now lease keep trying if'it's busy). We'll tell you what
we9rihoing to b;-in$ urkanted - ..--.
babies -...............
and waiting
parents together.
Ch L%nnflI I
v WY~VIH~
Call one of these toll-free numbers and help us work $r &&PLzu~ c/
for theadoption of unwanted children: 800-638-2000
In Maryland, call 301-933-4801 W!hington, D.C. 20036
Suite 326 1346 Connecticut Avenue, N.W.

'
provide
. . today ' s single moms with information about
their alternatives and' possible consequences and someone now.
"young mothers who desperately want to raise their
F.S. would like to hear from any birthparent who surrendered
a child at the ~ n ~ Guardian e l Home in Brooklyn;
NY between 1963 and 1964.. Her daughter lo ria
Ann was born at St. Mary's Hospital. To respond to
.. .
........................................
ofsheim, West Germany. Or Mrs. James E. Holzinger,
old birthmother seeking information about my 20
in Ft. Wayne, IN and surrendered through Catholic
Charities. Help would be appreciated.
1927, hometown Gastonia, NC, married name Rebecca Marceron.
Possibly lived in the South Bend, IN area be-
C. Whitmire, 2544 Bonnie Ln., blaumee, OH 43537. I fore my birth with Donald and Lola Phillips, both now
have a 10 year old son who does not know about my deceased. My birthfather is Richard Lanier, born 1921
14 year old daughter. Although I have only now and enlisted in the Navy as an electrician in World
begun to search, I am still curious as to how and War 11. My adoptive parents have been deceased for
when to explain. Although it may take years, I many years. Any help in locating my birthparents
could use your experiences and advice to keep un- would be appreciated.
ti1 the proper time comes. It would be a great
help to my husband (not the birthfather) and myself. Several people recently reported that they
Also, has anyone surrendered through Catholic Char- received calls from someone saying that the
ities in Lacrosse, WI, with Mrs. Dvorak?
caller had their information and would give
it to them for a price. This person some-
Carol Hunter, 6590 Lithopolis-Winchester Road, times cited the names of different CUB lead-
Canal Winchester, OH 43110. I am a birthmother who ers , saying that they had referred him. ~~~e
surrendered in 1969, and am looking for someone to people would be delighted to have a detective
correspond with that was at the Catherine Booth search for them, while others prefer to do
Home in Cincinnati in 68/69, or someone surrender- their own searching. Please be aware that NO
ing through the Montgomery County Family Service CUB leader would give ANY information about
Association in Dayton, Ohio.
you to anyone without your express permission
and knowledge. It appears that the caller
Susan G. Shatraw, P.O. Box 2922, APO New York, NY obtained names and dates from the pen pal
09132. I am looking for a search friend in the St, column. In order to assure that it is YOUR
Clairsville, OH area, which is the immediate area choice whether or not you do your search or
where I surrendered my son in Spring, 1964. My have a detective aid you, I did not include
son was born in a West Virginia hospital. I am specific dates in this column. If you want
now living in Germany but would like to help in dates listed, please be aware of the risks
any way I can.
that could be involved.

I
BYJXLLR-
'
I
The. Sscial Security Administration
provides a free detective
service that aids people in contacting
long-lost relatives.
Policy forbids divulging any
information-even an addressftam
Social Security records, but
the SSA will forward a letter in
cases that meet certain "humanitarian
criteria," .says social Security
spokesman Bill Murphy.
L&tters must either come from
immediate family members or
involve "mental anguish, serious
, i . or death" in a M y .
ml&ter-forwardingaervice
will try to bring a child to a dying
parent's bedside, but won't
locate clawmates for a achool
reunion or help old Army bud.
dia contact each otkr.
Lettersnotlllyingamis8ingpi1c
son he standa to gain H,
timughawillorother&
source. m y also be folTardaL
To use this M v e service,
'
gfmply write a letter to the
mtssfne pem, and mail it-un-
I, sealed40 (bs SSA's le#er-for-
: Fpatdine ~mit, along with ca cover
:. lfms explslwng you rehtlonshlptothembhgpemmand
why you need ta reecb him,
I
Ideally, the cover letter should
include the misaing person's fuH j
name and Social Security num- I
ber. If the number is not known, I
the date and place of birth and
the names of both parents can
help investigators find the number
and, through it, the person.
person receivea
.lvtimmat If or mty -,
his current address is in the
SSA's active payment files. If
not, tbe letter is sent to his last ,
rw@rti.ng Wyer-
Sensitive
1
l'hat means the forwading
I
service is "not that helpful in
cufient ~ -p4?mns cases,"
I
Murphy nW, because the SSA
is behind in recording employer
reporta. "We're not yet up to
1980," he nays.
Since a letter may go to an
employer for forwarding, the
SSA must make sure a letter
says nothing that might embar-
. rass the recipient. If a 1ette.r
seems potentially sensitive, the
SSA substitutes its own letter,
I
-
simply notifying the perm
that meone WaIlta to e!&ab
lish mtad with him.
If the person sought bas died,
the SA so notifies the sender
and Peturns the letter. If for any
otber reason the letter cannot be
forwarded, it is destroyed.
That ks becaw social security
records are earnings records. To
inform someone that the SSA
has no current records for an in-
dividual, the government reams,
could mean disclorPtng that
be is, or recently was, unemployed,
and that would amount
to a breach of confidence.
Since some letters are destroyed,
the SSA advises against
aching money or personal
item3 such as photographs.
Send letters to: SSA, Letter
Forwdhg Unit, 6402 Security
Blvd., Baltimore, Md. 21235.
I
Monday, May 2.1, 1982
Rure ridol~tion Opporttmity
DALLAS-About 67 couples hoping
for a rare opportunity to adopt a,
white child lined up during the
weekend outside the Hope Cottage
Children's Bureau as the pfivate
adoption agency prepared to take
the names of would-be parents for
the fimt time in two years.
The line of applicants, with lawn
furniture and sleeping bags, snaked
along outside the office building
north of downtown Dallas, beginninp
Friday morning.
Waiting couples devised an informal
agreement by which, each new
arrival took a number.
The agency, which places about
60 children a year, planned to open
its doors at 8 a.m. todav " and take
applications on a first-come, fir& .. .
qxydh& from 100 couples, ..;. .
MONTGOMERY (AP) - Eight
'young residents of an independent
Baptist home for wayward girls in
Mississippi have testified iu federal
court that the home delivers love,
, not abuse as others have alleged.
One of the eight, identified only as
' 19-year-old Stefanie D. of North
Carolina, said she had "seen more
love and understanding than ever in
my life" since she arrived at the
home near Hattiesburg, Miss.
Another, identified as Kim E., said
her father is an alcoholic, she has
two brothers in prison and a sister
who is a prostitute in Atlanta. At
Bethesda, she said, she found "love
and peace."
The eight also su rted the
of comral punis lP5Y-=
ment y the fundamentalist
Baptists who run the
home, which takes . . youhg ._ .._ unwed
:
mothers and debquent girls.
.
6
I
Sun., Aprll 18, 1982 1 6ht Pinnimhn* Nrlr.
Sen. Denton receives 1982
Wends of Adoption ' a ward
a.
fea. Jermiah Denton was one of fiw 1egislat.ors given a "1982 Friends
d Mop~n"
award recently by.the ~atio6l ~on~myttee for Adoptiot) f&
hash orl adoptioman allernaweanant
Wawards were prGeented this mDnth during an meeting 4
Jabn Carr of Lifeline's Children's Serq&, a local adoption-agency spa6
sared by the Wales Goebel Ministry.
do any good." - , >
- :In earlier testimony,
S
irls and
young women have told U. . District
7
J- Mvron Thompson that Bethesda
-- midents were severel-n
CTC-----~
.
-_wooden board by
k, Betty, with some
&aced in tubs 017mr?Fiedlce
wahr afterwards to use the pan.
-
Thornwon is holdlnn lhe hearing
to detehine if a prelrminary order .*
should be issued banning any abu- -;
sive practices at Bethesda. A-a,uii !
f-qa~renant
~,LQITL #.
-claims
the girls haw;,
been mistreated and "braimashe& ~t-..
-into a funda mentalist rellgiolra ilect. "

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. . rfm a birthmother and for that I'm proud. , .
. ,. .
gueesthat's why I cry every time I think of her. I've decided to go public, not live under a shroud.
Everybirthday I pray for her. I've had two children Ever since that day a long time ago, . .
to keep me busy and I am happy for that, because I Under circumstances that I could not control,
think 1. would lose my mind if I thought of her con- I surrendered my son with a breaking heart, . .
tinually. I keep busy and try to live a normal life. I gave him a family and a brand new start.
But my greatest obsession is the thought of finding I surrendered with much love and thought,
Becky. one day.
But the tears I have shed have not been for naught,
For I have searched and located my son-- : ,
. .
I hope.she has forgiven me and I hope for her sake Something I have prayed for since day number one.
her adoptive mother told her that I loved 'her. I Just to finally know that he's alive and well,
pray she has had as normal as possible a life and is ~ n to d be able someday to share with him a story I
educated enough to make a good living and a'good life. know so we1 1,
.,.
It is hard for me to call the other woman her mother, That in itself makes my prayers -complete. . .
but she has been that to her. At least I hope that's And I now anxiously wait for the day we meet,
the way it has been- I try not to think of the possi- AS the days go passing by, I must admit I still do cry.
bility that she may not have had a good life, but I But at the end I see a light. . .
worry about it.
And with God's help, I'll set. things right.
I believe I could have been happier in my life if I
could have known how her life was and if it were not .. .
good had been able to see that it was corrected. The Marsha Riben sent a. news clip about a Con- . g
reason Igave her up was that she could have a good gresswoman in Old Bridge, NJ, who was'charged
life and support that I could not give her, not be- with abusing her 14 year old adopted'son.
cause I did not love her, but because I did love her. Several birthmothers sent clippings about the
Michigan family in which a woman and her four
I.would like to write to anyone who was in St. Ann's adopted children were murdered by 16 year
Home, Shreveport , ~ouisiana, in 1957. old boy. One of those who sent clippings
about that incident offered the suggestion . . .
Effie, TX. If you wish to write to 'Effie, send your thatwhen we read of tragedies affecting ad- . .
letter in 'a stamped envelope. On the outer envelope optees, we should make an attempt to learn
tocarole Anderson (address front cover), write Attn: their birthdate and place so 'that the infor-
Pen Pal TX-2.
mation about them can be sentto reunion registries
such as those of CUB and Soundex.
...........................................
She explained that her heart bleeds to think
of a birthmother who could be searching in
vain for a dead child, and feels that if her
child were one of those children she would'
want to know,
Although Ann Landers generally prints both sides to
an issue she does not agree with, we're all aware she
has consistently refused to print ANY letters in support
of birthparents and adoptees ever being reunited
with one another. Lee suggests that members may want ................................
to write to Ann's boss, pointing out to him that while
she has a right to her opinion, she should be respon-
JERRY FALMELL FAILS TO UNDERSTAND ADOPTION
sible enough to print our (opposing) view too. His
address :
Joan Arnette sent a clipping from the June issue of
Mr. Steve Jehorek, President and Chief Executive Mother Jones reported on Jerry Falwell's latofficer,
Field Newspaper Syndicate, 1703 Kaiser Ave., est campaign. Mistakenly believing that adoption
Irving, CA 92714.
offers mothers the same opportunity to avoid an unplanned
pregnancy as abortion, he is encouraging
...........................................
mothers to forego abortion and opt for adoption instead.
Apparently, he and his followers fail to -
ANNOUNCING FORFIAT ION OF NEW CUB GROUP
understand that adoption, like abortion, represents
the loss of a child to the mother. Instead of ter-
Sharon Ravely Rocca, 11205 Lake Shore Drive East, minating a pregnancy it offers the mother lifelong
L
Carme11 Indiana 460321 phone (317) 844-9727 wrote to separation from her child, with no guarantee that
tell us that she and an adoptee in her area would her child is alive or well. We need to emphasize
like to start a CUB group in the Indianapolis area. to groups like Falwell's that if they really want to
They are excited at the prospect and feel positive reduce the number of abortions, they need to offer
that the reaction from others in their area will be mothers alternatives families can LIVE with, not
favorable. If you're interested in being a part of just another way for a mother to be separated from
their group, please contact Sharon. Sharon has lo- her child. If such groups are not willing to look
cated her son.
at alternatives that give mothers choices they can
live with (like supporting them to get started as
...........................................
families, together, and like FULLY open adoptions
in which mothers know the identity of the adopting
MORE HOPE 8 HAPPINESS
parents and visit the child), any reduction in the
number of abortions is highly unlikely.
A contribution has been received from Sheila Roeder,
Mosinee, isc cons in, in honor of her son, to whom she Jerry, though, appears not to understand this. Indedicates
the following poem:
stead he proposes that "girls" who are pregnant be
housed in "ehepherd homes", Christian families who
6
',
. .
. .

will teach them "the joys of aelf control and domestic
labor," through "sewing, housework, personal hygiene"
and other female functions. Dave Fleming, director of
Falwell's Save-A-Baby program, said,"Sin caused that.
The act of fornication and adultery. 11
Apparently, he believes that they deserve the punishment
of losing the children they bear out of wedlock.
Adoption, in this view, gives the baby torn from its
II
family a real start" in a Falwell-blessed homeland
the "fallen girl" will be born again without her child.
Falwell's goal is "to produce 100,000 unwanted children
this year.'' Like many other pro-life people, he
seems not to understand that unplanned pregnancies do
not result in unwanted children, so he seems uninterested
in assisting mothers and children in remaining
together.
Me has launched a Save-A-Baby appeal in his direct
mail advertising, proposing to use donations to pay
for a "Tomb of the Unborn Baby," which he hopes will
be built on a Virginia mountain. Those who contribute
$15 or more receive a "Precious Feet" lapel pin, whose
tiny toes and arches are "approximately the size of
a baby's feet in its mother's womb ten weeks after
conception. II
In discussing this situation at the AAC Conference,
Sandy Musser, President of Adoption Triangle Ministry,
urged that birthmothera who, like her, are born
again Christians, help her in her efforts to get
the Jerry Falwell's of the world to see that punishing
mothers is not the way to save babies. If you are
interested, you may wish to let Jerry Falwell know
how you feel. To aid Sandy, write to:
. . ~do~tion Triangle Ministry, Box 156, Oaklyn,
NJ 08107.
their adult children were printed just one day apart
by Ann Landers and Dear Abby, prompting me to write.
I'm 28 and adopted. I've just gotten full scale into
my search for my birthmother in the last 6 months.
While I always knew the possibility existed for rejection
at the end of my search, these two articles
printed so close together really shook my confidence.
Are there a oajority of birthmothers who feel this
way, do you think--or is it a minority? CUB, of
course, is a group of birthmothers who don't feel
that way, or at least have overcome their feelings
to the point where they are willing to acknowledge
their children.
If I take after my birthmom, then I realize she
could be a very emotional person and a private one. I
think my finding her could be a big shock to her and
maybe so big that at Eirst, anyway, she would refuse
or deny having given birth to me. I have realized
this all along, but I guess r had buried a lot of my
fear and just hoped that she, like me, would want
to be found and at least know the other person was
alive and well.
Just recently, more than ever; my husband and I have
been talking over the "contact" for when the time
comes. He is a very perceptive, caring, and considerate
person who handles people and delicate situations
well--better than I do. He would like to be
the one to make that ca-1--the first one. Do any
birthmothers have any reaction to this--being
contacted by their child's husband rather than the
adoptee directly? At first, I disagreed, but I now
feel he is right and that he would have more of a
chance of explaining things than I, as I tend to be
very emotional and not explain myself too well.
Any comments would be appreciated--by birthmothers or
adoptees who might have already been in. this position.
YOU CAN HELP
At the banquet held on the last evening of the AAC
Conference in June, Warren Siegmond, author of In
Search of a Stranger, pointed out that as a writer
he has always been fascinated by words and language.
Language shows how we think, and it shows what is
important to us,
How tragic, then, that our lan-
guage denies the very existence of both adoptees
and birthparents! Warren informed us that none of
the dictionaries currently available includes the
word "adoptee" or the words "birthparent, " "birth-
. mother," or "birthfather." The existence of millions
of people is being ignored by those who make up our
dictionaries.
I
warren's idea, enthusiastically embraced by all, was
that in order to draw attention to this exclusion
EVERYONE should send him a dictionary. He will then
collect them, and when he has enough of them, he will
get a truck. The truckload of dictionaries will be
dumped on the sidewalk in front of a dictionary publisher
in order to dramatize the fact that adoptees
and birthparents have been excluded from recognition.
Adoptees, birthparents, and adoptive parents will be
invited to attend the dictionary dumping.
Patti, NY
To respond, write to Carole at address on front cover,
enclosing a stamped envelope. If you are willing to
have your reply shared in the newsletter, don't seal
the inner envelope. On the outer envelope, write:
Mutual Helpfulness.
REUN I ON
FEARS
I dream of the day of reunion,
An end to frustration and pain.
Or will I find much to my sorrow,
The anger and sadness remaln?
Will the joy that I feel when I see you
Be enough to wipe out all the tears
W i l l the reunion be able to make up
For all that I've missed through the years?
I feel bitter. And yes, I feel cheated
For they said if I really loved you
I'd want what was best for your welfare.
With such pressure, what else could I do?
I long for the day of reunion
The price of my "sin" was too high.
Please donate a dictionary for this purpose in order I carried my secret in silence
to dramatize our cause. Be sure you have sufficient Hurting more every year that went by.
-
postage. Send to: Warren Siegmond, 382 Central.
When the fears of rejection aEe over,
Park West, NY, NY 10025.
-. When at last we can stand face to face,
Will the shame and regret of surrender
Fade away, leaving peace in its place?
MUTUAL HELPFULNESS
Articles written by birthmothers fearing contact by
Lillian Dennis

Fran: Consortiun for the Management of Adoption
To: Social agency &rs of the consortiun
Re: Special Warning
We are making great strides fran the position announced and discussed in our mano of 1979. 'Ihanks to your
cooperation it has been possible for us to prmte the Intermediary mthod in the Reunion process, using
expert intermediaries and charging fees to cover the costs and the counsel. This approach is now before
mny legislatures and is actively in force in several states. This has proven a mst effective means
of reducing the inpact of the adoptee groups, and returning the thinking of the culture to our original
position - social mrk really is a force for hmn bettemnt.
Hmever there is 'a real danger in this situation. It is not only that tine presses and we do not iwycl
time to do the assigned searching. 'Ihat is only me of the reasons why sane social workers have bee11
giving out infomtion to adoptees rather than ding the original contact as their legal representative.
There is another peril. Sane social mrkers are sirrply becaniqg hmn beings without special skill,
and giving out to adoptees infomtion as to where their relatives can probably be found, at least the
mst recent trace of them taken fram our records.
Surely they have not considered the effect of all this on the position of social mrk. Through the
sealed adoption record we achieved a posit ion of p r in society which we never had before. We nut
not forego this privilege and this responsibility. Society expects us to protect it frm persons of
illegitimate birth. HCW can we offer this to society when we permit these bastards to find their kindred
and thus to fom relationships with them? In this way the bastard group in society will be introduced
into the very bosan of society, surely a destructive force in our midst!
There muld be no danger if all we needed to concern ourselves with is the organized groups in the adoption
population. 'Ihese caw readily to hand, and can be influenced in the direction of professionalisn.
The real danger is in the unorganized but nonetheless interconnected personnel of. the adoption population,
who sinply approach this issue out of their untrained and hunan concern for reconciliation. In
one way or another they seem able to keep up a stream of interconnections, unofficial and disorganized
though it is, and by this mans give mtual encouraganent to one another, as well as practical infomtionabout
haw to search in a particular case. This underground situation is scmething we cannot control,
and it is this underground which seam to be influencing those social workers who sinply do the humn
thing and give out infomtion without guidelines frm the head offices of their agencies.
Although this underground surfaces often in the meetings that they are holding here and there in the
country, on a regional or national level, the real mrk they are doing takes place before and after
these metings, and we have no contact or influence on these operations. It is truly exasperating to
realize hw hard we have worked to infiltrate the official organization of adoptees and birthparents yet
are now confronted with this resistance which we cannot influence and which - alas - is proving
to influence us!
Surely every qloyed social worker in adoption realizes that her situation will be perilous if she allows
herself to descend into the pit here adoptees and birthparents struggle together to becm reconciled.
Theirs is a land of darkness and pain which is not anenable to professional skills, but only
to a sort of religious faith in reconciliation which social work has never recognized, and which rains
unproven, and certainly it is not sancthing to build a power structure upon. We hope that all who have
workers under their supervision will do their umst to convey to them the error of their ways, when
they are tqted to leave professional guidelines and undertake a merely hmn venture.
I
JP note:
Zf you did not receive the 1979 m,
send SASE and I will mil you a copy.
Spcci;r L Lhnnl

REPRESENTATIVES
. .
BRANCHES
JOB DESCRIPTION: Educator of CUB and b~rthparenthmd w~th~n 100 m~lc JOB DESCKIFTiOK Educaror of CUB and b~rth~arenthood within 100 mile.
radrus of area. Does not handle monrv or keep books
radius of area atrtl ~rovlder of servtces for birthparents.
QUALIFICATIONS: Energetic. artlculato. resourceful; w~lllng to sol~c~t tn medm QUALI~-ICA-,-~ON~ As
'"' rwa' adhere lo goals& philorOPhy: lo make a year cOmmitmcnt
,.,.,., ru,,rr5mlaliver, Aiin area membrr3.
the position. This was created for individuals who d m t yet have a cote u p to three and T~~~~~~~~ of whom are blurt will~ng sign in pstlllon!Dr assume 2 B year positions ~ of Crxlrcjinator. ~ ~ Secretark, * ~
form a branch.
ALASKA
Jana Vee Shedlock
7105 Shooreson Circle
\echorage, AK 99504
CALIFORNIA
?andee Benson
P.O. Box 15398
San Diego, CA 92115
"ALIFORNIA
ir
Lrnda D. Kane
235 W. Quinto #2
Santa Barbara, CA 93105
CALIFORNIA
Suzanne Rubin
11514 Ventura Blvd.
Suite A#179
Studio City, CA 91604
CALIFORNIA
Judy Key-Dominguez
LOO1 Bridgeway #I74
Sausalito, CA 94964
CALIFORNIA
Melanie Williams
1209 Belcamp Street
Rio Linda, CA 95673
COLORADO
Joyce Villanueva
P.O. Box 22904
Denver CO 80222
CONNECTICUT
Donna Mocarsky
Box 526
Rocky Hill, CT 06067
F?:ORIDA
Brsnda Rodriguez
45 Branan Field Rd
Middleburg, FL 32b68
GEORGIA
Joanna Howard
3374 Aztec Rd., Apt. 35C
Doraville, GA 30340
IDAHO
Carol Bugni
Box 5202
Boise, ID 83705
WOULD-BE LEADERS: Wr~tu to your area's Hey~unal Ctmrdtnato (I~sted on co
Representatives
INDIANA
Mickey Carty
2707 s;. G Si
Richmond, IN 43774
IOWA
Vicki Adams
4510 N. Linwood
Davenport, IA 52804
IOWA
Jean McLaushlin
2005 Vine sty
W. Des Moines, IA 50265
IOWA
Janet A. Randall
Box 8294
Cedar Rapids, IA 52408
MAINE
Carol Simpson
RFD 2
Hilton's Ln
No. ~erwick, ME '03906
MICHIGAN
Debbie Bryan
1201 So. Hanover St.
Hastings, MI 49058
MICHIGAN
Mary Scholten
633 E. 11th Street
Holland, MI 49423
MINNESOTA
Robin Lee Ryant
Star Rt. 2, Box 233
Hibbing, MN 55746
MISSOURI
Susan Foglesong
P.O. Box 26514
Kansas City, MO 64196
NEW YORK
Susan Fuller
102 North St
Manlius, NY 13104
NEW YORK
Janet Scarpati
25 Nagle Ave
New York, NY 10040
NEW YORK
Eileen Sammarone
2 Stemmer Lane
Suffern, NY 10901
NORTH CAROLINA
Stacy S. Miller
4916
4916 Brentwood Rd.
Durham, NC 27713
OREGON
Maryl Walling-Millard
2190-13 Patterson Dr.
Eugene, OR 97405
PENNSYLVANIA
Chris Frank
2800 W. Chestnut Ave.
Altoona, PA 16603
PENNSYLVANIA
Sandy Musser
Box 156
Oaklyn, NJ 08107
SOUTH CAROLINA
Carolyn Piekielniak
2009 Center Sp. Rd.
Edgefield, SC 29824
WISCONSIN
Joan Arnette
R. 1
Cameron, WI 548822
J
NEVADA
WISCONSIN
Cheryl Kirker
Mimi Notestein
320 Vandalia Street ' P.O. Box 11752
Las Vegas, NV 89106 Milwaukee, WI 53211
NEW HAMPSHIRE
Susan Daggett
P.O. Box 64
Merrimaclc, NH 03054
I
i
, , Kathy
Branches
CALIFORNIA
Sly,' ....'
7571 Westminster Ave.
Westminster, CA 92683
FLORIDA
Barbara McGee
8257 Greenleaf Circle
Tampa, FL 33615
MASSACHUSETTS
. also serving VT,RI
Libbi Campbell
P.O. Box 396
Cambridge, MA 02138
MINNESOTA
Pamela Bolduc
Box 33222
Minneapolis, MN 55433
NEW JERSEY,
Julie Bissey
P.O. Box 115
Haddon Hgts., NJ 08035
OHIO
Carol Colon
P.O. Box 424
Perrysburg, OH 43551
PENNSYLVANIA
Joan Harsch '
P.O. Box 7673
Pittsburgh, PA 15214
TEXAS
Janice Hargus .
Box 42587
Houston, TX 77042
WASHINGTON' D.C./MI
Carol Jean Setola
12709 Prospect Knolls
I
Bowie, MD 20715
MEMBERS: If you live within 100 miles of a Branch (not a Representative), do send it ywr dues. 7hey
use half to meet area needs. Others. send to HQ.