MAR '11 - The Nyack Villager

22 The Nyack Villager March, 2011
Mental Health Notes
by Daniel Shaw, L.C.S.W
The Control Paradox
Humans start needing to have some
measure of control fairly early in life—
possibly from about the time we draw
our first breath. It is ironic, then, that
uniquely among all living creatures, we
alone are aware of the inevitability of
our eventual death, and completely
without any control whatsoever over when that
will happen. This may explain to some extent
why control issues loom large in the human psyche.
No matter how easy going we may want to
imagine ourselves to be, control issues are inescapable.
Our unexamined needs for control can paradoxically
put us in prisons of our own making.
Negotiations with significant others around issues
of control and power can often be baffling,
frustrating and exhausting. For example, pretty
much every parent is familiar with the seemingly
endless struggles one has with one's kids. Are the
most successful parents the ones who exert the
most control? We probably all know kids who
grew up under extremely strict conditions, for
whom things did not turn out so well—unlike
the apparently perfect prodigies born to and
raised by Amy Chua, the "Tiger Mother" who is
all over the news these days. I certainly talk to
quite a few people professionally for whom an
authoritarian upbringing was not the way to get
to Carnegie Hall, but rather contributed heavily
to their addiction problems, impotence, divorce,
alienation from family, depression and anxiety—
and so on.
In my work with people affected by authoritarian
groups (sometimes such groups are thought of as
cults, or as cult-like), I've talked to scores of people
who joined such a group searching for freedom
of one kind or another: from ego, from
inhibition and fear, emptiness, meaninglessness,
etc. Where they ended up instead was spending
some of the best years or decades of their lives
living like slaves, allowing a charismatic leader to
dictate every move they made, everything they
COMMUNITY NOTES start on page 16
only indoor winter farmers' market, brings locally
grown and prepared foods to our community
every Saturday from 9am to 1pm. Look for root
vegetables, greenhouse greens, apples, cider, fish,
meat, dairy, breads, cheeses, desserts and more.
e market continues Saturdays thru June 4.
NYACK TOASTMASTERS
Nyack Toastmasters provides a fun, low-pressure
environment where adults enhance their communication
and presentation skills.
Meetings are at Nyack Library, 59 South Broadway,
Nyack, twice each month—in March on the
10th and 24th, at 7 to 8:30pm. Guests welcome.
Info: visit www.NyackToastmasters.org or call
(845) 358-1175.
wore, ate, said and did. In all those years before
they finally left their group, they thought they
were on the road to liberation. Michael
Wright's superb recent piece in e
New Yorker about how the screenwriter
Paul Haggis got into Scientology, what
he put up with to stay in it, and why
he finally left, is a great illustration of
how one can allow oneself to be controlled
by others—all the while deceiving
oneself into believing that the
subjugation and exploitation one accepts
is all in the name of self-realization, freedom
and making the world a better place.
For many who are struggling to find the right intimate
partner, control issues can be a stealth
killer. One strong, highly accomplished woman
I worked with whom I'll call Sonia easily attracted
men who showed intense interest in her. These
were men who seemed masterfully in control—of
their careers, their wealth, their bodies and their
sexual performance. Sonia would eventually become
dismayed to discover that these men also
expected to be able to control her. When she resisted
the controlling behaviors, the man in question
would quickly turn from seductive pursuit
to belittling rejection. In spite of the repetitive
disappointments she experienced with men of
this type, she found herself turned off by and
made herself unavailable to men who were less
dominating. Catch-22.
Like Sonia, we all have unconscious, complicated
relational patterns that are impacting our way of
managing our control needs, especially with our
most significant others. If we believe that it is a
basic human right to be free - and today, more
and more people all over the world are beginning
to assert that it is - then it behooves us to understand
more about the need for control. There is
a world of difference between control as a destructive,
rigidifying tool for domination; and
control, built on trust, compassion and respect,
that creates stability, allows for flexibility, and encourages
freedom.
Daniel Shaw, LCSW, practices psychotherapy in Nyack
and in NY City. He can be reached at (845) 548-
2561 in Nyack and in NY City at (212) 581-6658,
shawdan@aol.com or www.danielshawlcsw.com ✫
VCS EVENTS IN MARCH
• An Afternoon with Sundance
—an all-volunteer organization devoted to noncompetitive
outdoor activities for the LGBT
community. At Nyack Library, 59 S. Broadway
Nyack. Free
Sun, March 6 at 3pm
• vCS Coffee House
Music, poetry and more. Donation $25pp via
Pay Pal or at the door and that includes coupons
for 3 refreshments. At RCC Student Union
Building, Room 3214.
Fri, March 25 from 7 to 10pm
• Film Screening: “No Dumb Questions”
A fresh perspective on transgender identity from
a family that insists there are no dumb questions.
At Nyack Library, 59 S. Broadway Nyack. Free
Sun, March 27 at 3pm
Community Notes continue at right