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Air in <strong>the</strong> <strong>Paragraph</strong> <strong>Line</strong>
Air in <strong>the</strong> <strong>Paragraph</strong> <strong>Line</strong><br />
Issue 12<br />
|<br />
<strong>Paragraph</strong> <strong>Line</strong> Books<br />
Denver, CO
Air in <strong>the</strong> <strong>Paragraph</strong> <strong>Line</strong><br />
Issue 12<br />
All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 2007 Jon Konrath<br />
All copyrights return to <strong>the</strong>ir respective holders upon publication.<br />
ISBN 978-0-6151-6314-7<br />
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by<br />
any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying,<br />
recording, taping or by any information storage or retrieval system,<br />
without <strong>the</strong> permission in writing from <strong>the</strong> publisher.<br />
Cover art and interior illustrations by Mat<strong>the</strong>w Pazzol.<br />
For more information, visit <strong>Paragraph</strong><strong>Line</strong>.com<br />
PL-100<br />
91107214
Contents<br />
Introduction<br />
By Jon Konrath .............................................................................1<br />
Uncle Bud, Chaos Superstar<br />
By Rebel Star Hobson ...................................................................4<br />
Richard Fucking Nixon<br />
By Jon Konrath ...........................................................................10<br />
Boogerlove<br />
By Yuppie Rockwell ...................................................................26<br />
Effortlessly Hitting A Vein<br />
By Keith Buckley ........................................................................34<br />
Pills<br />
By Kurt Eisenlohr .......................................................................42<br />
Here For This<br />
By Joshua Citrak .........................................................................48<br />
Bright Guilty World<br />
By John Sheppard .......................................................................60<br />
A Brief Tale of Great Integrity<br />
By Tony Byrer ............................................................................70<br />
Tomato Lust<br />
By Joseph Suglia .........................................................................80<br />
The Phantom Coalition<br />
By Grant Bailie ...........................................................................84<br />
Lome Togo-Me Mongo<br />
By Dege Legg .............................................................................96<br />
Shopping With The Vietcong<br />
By Todd Taylor .........................................................................116<br />
Skeleton Mom<br />
By Erin O’Brien ........................................................................122
Public Radio<br />
By John Sheppard .....................................................................134<br />
Little Wonders<br />
By Tony Byrer ..........................................................................158<br />
Sitting Danny Rolling<br />
By Richard K. Weems ..............................................................164<br />
One Crazy Bastard<br />
By Todd Taylor .........................................................................172<br />
Cruising With My Lights On Dim<br />
By R. Lee ..................................................................................176<br />
Focus<br />
By Kurt Eisenlohr .....................................................................182<br />
Chicken Lust<br />
By Joseph Suglia .......................................................................188<br />
Rio Monstruo<br />
By Stephen Huffman ................................................................192<br />
A Typical Case?<br />
By Keith Buckley ......................................................................200<br />
They<br />
By Jon Konrath .........................................................................208<br />
Contributors ................................................................................227
Introduction<br />
BY JON KONRATH<br />
Hello and welcome to Air in <strong>the</strong> <strong>Paragraph</strong> <strong>Line</strong> #12!<br />
Those of you who tuned in for <strong>the</strong> last issue will remember that it was<br />
<strong>the</strong> first <strong>the</strong>med edition, discussing all things good and bad related to<br />
work and employment. I always enjoyed <strong>the</strong> old Dishwasher zine, and I<br />
figured o<strong>the</strong>rs had a good yarn to spin about <strong>the</strong>ir past<br />
underemployment. Everyone seemed to dig that project, and when I<br />
started preliminary work on this issue, I immediately wanted to find<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r <strong>the</strong>me.<br />
But what? Love? Sex? Death? War? Food? Drugs? Dreams? Or maybe I<br />
needed to dig deeper for a really weird conceptual thing, like an entire<br />
issue about NASCAR or <strong>the</strong> price of candybars when we were young.<br />
(That jump from 30 to 35 cents damn near killed me.) I thought of<br />
esoteric <strong>the</strong>mes that would draw almost no writing, or simple <strong>the</strong>mes<br />
that would pull in tons of <strong>the</strong> most generic and unpublishable essays<br />
from hacks and idiots. And as <strong>the</strong> editor of this thing, it’s my job to find<br />
<strong>the</strong> best, most interesting, and on-track writing, but also manage to<br />
collect enough stuff to fill <strong>the</strong> pages and turn out <strong>the</strong> issue in less than<br />
five or ten years.<br />
While complaining about this to John Sheppard, he was on some weird<br />
Richard Nixon fixation, publishing links to YouTube videos of Tricky<br />
Dick on his blog to <strong>the</strong> point where I had to ask him if something was<br />
wrong in his personal life. He came back with <strong>the</strong> idea that <strong>the</strong> issue<br />
should be <strong>the</strong>med “Weird, Paranoid”, and I threw in “Insane” to round it<br />
out a bit. And that stuck.<br />
An editor throwing out an invitation to write about insanity to <strong>the</strong><br />
MySpace crowd is a lot like a frogdiver strapping raw meat to his junk<br />
and jumping into a sea of frentic great white sharks. I think many people<br />
believe that crazy means “I drank a bunch of Diet Coke and went<br />
bowling at three in <strong>the</strong> morning”, but I was looking for “I knew a dude<br />
who took PCP and put his head through a reinforced steel cop car door.”<br />
1
INTRODUCTION<br />
Luckily, a few people knew what I was talking about, and came up with<br />
some great stories.<br />
I’m also happy to report that this is <strong>the</strong> first time in a while I had an<br />
artist to do <strong>the</strong> cover and some interior art. The last time I had someone<br />
else do <strong>the</strong> cover was for issue #9, which came out in like 1938, and since<br />
<strong>the</strong>n, I’ve had to scrounge toge<strong>the</strong>r <strong>the</strong> covers myself. I hope you dig<br />
what Matt threw toge<strong>the</strong>r as much as I do. And I also hope any of you<br />
prospective artists get in touch, because after this issue hits <strong>the</strong> presses,<br />
I’ll be begging for art for #13.<br />
As always, some of <strong>the</strong> writers in this issue are AITPL regulars, but<br />
<strong>the</strong>re are a half-dozen new people, some published, some brand new to<br />
<strong>the</strong> game, and all excellent. Please do <strong>the</strong>m all a big favor and check out<br />
<strong>the</strong> web sites, blogs, and books mentioned on <strong>the</strong> contributors page at <strong>the</strong><br />
end of <strong>the</strong> book. There’s lots of good reading out <strong>the</strong>re from <strong>the</strong>se<br />
authors, and my hope is that this journal gets <strong>the</strong>m all some exposure<br />
and new fans.<br />
And please, if you enjoyed any part of this issue, tell your friends! It’s<br />
always tough trying to promote this kind of anthology, and every blog<br />
mention or referral to a friend is a godsend.<br />
Next issue is lucky #13, and I think <strong>the</strong> <strong>the</strong>me will be bad luck,<br />
superstition, and <strong>the</strong> like. If you’re interested, drop a line and stay tuned<br />
to <strong>the</strong> web site for updates.<br />
As always, if you want to get in touch, or read any of <strong>the</strong> old issues on <strong>the</strong><br />
web, check out our new site at <strong>Paragraph</strong><strong>Line</strong>.com.<br />
Stay weird, paranoid, and/or insane,<br />
—Jon<br />
P.S. You may have noticed this issue is now published by <strong>Paragraph</strong> <strong>Line</strong><br />
Books. This is something I’m starting, with <strong>the</strong> help of John Sheppard, to<br />
publish some books of ours and o<strong>the</strong>rs. Our first non-AITPL title will be<br />
John’s Tales of <strong>the</strong> Peacetime Army, which I’m very excited to be<br />
publishing. We’re also looking for o<strong>the</strong>r books that fit <strong>the</strong> style of<br />
AITPL to publish, so get in touch if that sounds like your cup of tea.<br />
2
Uncle Bud, Chaos Superstar<br />
By Rebel Star Hobson<br />
When my Uncle Bud was thirteen, he fired a shotgun at <strong>the</strong> front door of<br />
<strong>the</strong> family shack, and shot my Uncle Jerry in <strong>the</strong> leg. Jerry waited in <strong>the</strong><br />
emergency room of Parkland Hospital in Dallas for 24 hours before<br />
receiving medical treatment. By that time, gangrene had set in, and he<br />
became my one-legged Uncle Jerry. He had it coming. He was<br />
pretending to be a coyote at <strong>the</strong> time of <strong>the</strong> shooting, and scared <strong>the</strong> shit<br />
out of Bud. Everyone knew Bud didn’t think before acting. That’s what<br />
made him interesting.<br />
In <strong>the</strong> seventies, Bud met a trio of sisters named Ruby, Chuck<br />
and Barbara. He dated and smoked speed with all three of <strong>the</strong>m. After<br />
months of partying, he decided to marry Barbara. She was manicdepressive,<br />
and <strong>the</strong>refore, better suited to deal with Bud’s insanity. They<br />
set up house in Ft. Worth, living in <strong>the</strong> home Barbara had won in <strong>the</strong><br />
divorce settlement with her first husband, a famous dance instructor.<br />
Barbara and Bud had a baby named Angela, grew pot in <strong>the</strong>ir backyard,<br />
argued, and smoked speed for days on end.<br />
When Bud’s increasingly erratic behavior and poor attendance<br />
caused him to lose his job, he became a professional car thief. He was<br />
very good at it. He stole my parents’ car as part of an insurance scam<br />
<strong>the</strong>y were attempting. The scam fell apart when <strong>the</strong> girl he lent <strong>the</strong> car<br />
to got pulled over, and my disappointed parents had <strong>the</strong>ir car returned.<br />
My dad was so scared of going to prison, he was pasty and sweaty for a<br />
month.<br />
Bud would often come to our house to hide out when <strong>the</strong> police<br />
were on his trail. One night, he came in a limousine stolen from a local<br />
funeral home. He charged inside <strong>the</strong> house and began devouring<br />
everything in sight. I saw him chug an entire jug of milk, prompting me<br />
to ask, “Mommy, what’s wrong with Uncle Bud?”<br />
After he finished eating, he collapsed onto <strong>the</strong> couch and slept<br />
like a rock for three days.<br />
When my cousin Angela was five, Bud got pulled over in a stolen<br />
car. During <strong>the</strong> vehicle search, <strong>the</strong> police found a large quantity of speed<br />
in <strong>the</strong> console. He was sent to prison. While serving his sentence, he<br />
received word that his daughter had been sexually abused. Bud vowed to<br />
kill <strong>the</strong> man responsible when he was released from <strong>the</strong> state prison.<br />
True to his word, his first act as a <strong>free</strong> man was to purchase a pistol.<br />
Unfortunately for everyone involved, his second act was to buy and<br />
smoke speed. Fuzzy on <strong>the</strong> details, and whacked out of his skull, he<br />
4
REBEL STAR HOBSON<br />
hunted and shot <strong>the</strong> wrong man. He was not as accurate with a pistol as<br />
he was a shotgun, and <strong>the</strong> man survived with a relatively minor wound<br />
to <strong>the</strong> shoulder.<br />
Bud went back to prison for attempted manslaughter. After<br />
serving his second sentence, he quickly went back for a third time for<br />
failing his parole mandated urine test.<br />
Upon <strong>the</strong> completion of his third term, he pledged to live life on<br />
<strong>the</strong> straight and narrow, stop guzzling vodka straight from <strong>the</strong> bottle,<br />
and smoking speed. He came home, got a job, a little house, and brought<br />
his daughter to live with him. He did well for several months, until he<br />
became seriously ill. He was taken to <strong>the</strong> county hospital, where a series<br />
of tests were run. The diagnosis was not good. The doctors told him that<br />
his years of drug and alcohol abuse had taken a toll on his liver, and he<br />
was suffering from an advanced case of cirrhosis.<br />
“We’ll be surprised if you make it ano<strong>the</strong>r six months,” <strong>the</strong><br />
doctors said.<br />
Bud came home, quit his job, and moved into my grandmo<strong>the</strong>r’s<br />
one-room shack.<br />
Cirrhosis causes your liver to shut down, leaving you unable to<br />
urinate. There is medication available that spurs your liver into action,<br />
but it is taken by <strong>the</strong> quart. Bud hated <strong>the</strong> thick, chalky liquid. He refused<br />
to drink it most of <strong>the</strong> time.<br />
“That stuff tastes like liquefied shit,” he would yell when<br />
reminded it was time for his dose.<br />
When <strong>the</strong> body is unable to expel urine, ammonia builds to toxic<br />
levels inside <strong>the</strong> body. Eventually, it begins to affect <strong>the</strong> brain, causing<br />
psychosis. We called it “<strong>the</strong> piss crazies”. When Bud got piss crazy, his<br />
behavior became extremely erratic.<br />
One day, I was at my grandmo<strong>the</strong>r’s, watching television while<br />
Bud napped. My cousin and chief tormentor, Jereme, came over to make<br />
himself a sandwich. Jereme and I were talking, when Bud bolted upright<br />
from his bed. He glared at Jereme.<br />
“It’s not green, mo<strong>the</strong>rfucker,” Bud yelled at him.<br />
“I didn’t say it was green, mo<strong>the</strong>rfucker,” Jereme replied.<br />
This seemed to agitate Bud, and he picked up a chainsaw that<br />
was stored by <strong>the</strong> front door. He began to approach Jereme, pulling <strong>the</strong><br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 5
UNCLE BUD, CHAOS SUPERSTAR<br />
cord . On his third pull, <strong>the</strong> chainsaw roared to life, filling <strong>the</strong> room with<br />
<strong>the</strong> odor of gas.<br />
“I said it’s not green, mo<strong>the</strong>rfucker,” he yelled over <strong>the</strong> buzz of<br />
<strong>the</strong> chainsaw.<br />
Jereme ‘s eyes got huge. He ran towards <strong>the</strong> door and yanked it<br />
open.<br />
“I’m getting <strong>the</strong> fuck out of here, this mo<strong>the</strong>rfucker is crazy,” he<br />
yelled.<br />
Bud followed, hot on his heels. I went outside to stand on <strong>the</strong><br />
porch so I could watch <strong>the</strong> drama unfold. He chased Jereme around <strong>the</strong><br />
yard, continuing to scream about green, while Jereme cried and begged<br />
me to get his mom. I stood <strong>the</strong>re laughing, and refused to get help. The<br />
chase finally ended when Bud collapsed from exhaustion, and lay in <strong>the</strong><br />
yard, kicking his feet, until my grandmo<strong>the</strong>r came home. Later that day,<br />
Jereme cornered me and punched me in <strong>the</strong> neck as revenge for laughing<br />
at him.<br />
When Bud’s ammonia levels were high, he had to be taken to <strong>the</strong><br />
hospital so his bladder could be drained. It was not a good idea to drive<br />
to <strong>the</strong> hospital with an unpredictable psychotic in <strong>the</strong> passenger’s seat, so<br />
we called <strong>the</strong> ambulance to ferry him. The ambulance drivers were not<br />
allowed to take him if he did not agree to go, but if his family could<br />
wrestle him into submission and force him into <strong>the</strong> vehicle, <strong>the</strong>y would<br />
slam <strong>the</strong> doors and speed off. When Bud saw <strong>the</strong> ambulance, he would<br />
become violent, throwing things at us in an effort to escape. It usually<br />
took four people to get him into <strong>the</strong> ambulance, and we were always left<br />
with bites and scratches, souvenirs of our battle.<br />
Two years into his illness, he became gravely ill and slipped into<br />
a coma. The doctors said <strong>the</strong> end was near, because his liver was failing.<br />
During an exploratory surgery, <strong>the</strong>y discovered stomach cancer. We<br />
were called to <strong>the</strong> hospital to say our goodbyes. They told us that he<br />
would die within four hours. Six hours later, he popped out of bed and<br />
demanded to be unhooked from his IVs.<br />
“I’m going down stairs to smoke me a cigarette, and see if I can’t<br />
find me a barbecue sandwich,” he said.<br />
The doctors told him that he had cancer.<br />
6
REBEL STAR HOBSON<br />
“It don’t matter anyway,” he said “I’m already a walking dead<br />
man. Give me something for <strong>the</strong> pain and let me go home.”<br />
They gave him a prescription for Oxycontin and released him<br />
that afternoon. The addition of Oxycontin to his system made him act<br />
even more irrational. Never a believer in taking a prescribed dosage, he<br />
popped a pill, or pills, whenever he wanted. He would lay down to take a<br />
nap, only to get up and cook in his sleep. The pills seemed to make him<br />
ravenous, and to remove any care he had for safety or cleanliness. My<br />
grandmo<strong>the</strong>r woke in <strong>the</strong> middle of <strong>the</strong> night to find him burning<br />
hamburgers in a skillet, sprawled naked across <strong>the</strong> dining table. He<br />
opened cans of beans and slung <strong>the</strong>m onto <strong>the</strong> ceiling, and smeared<br />
potato salad all over his face.<br />
“I can’t get this goddamned potato salad out of my ears,” he<br />
yelled <strong>the</strong> next day.<br />
He never had any recollection of <strong>the</strong>se nocturnal adventures.<br />
Sometimes, he would head to town to go to <strong>the</strong> grocery store,<br />
have an attack on <strong>the</strong> way <strong>the</strong>re, and disappear for days. We would spread<br />
<strong>the</strong> word throughout <strong>the</strong> surrounding counties, and would inevitably<br />
receive a phone call that Bud was at The One More, our local bar, trying<br />
to stab someone with a broken pool cue, or was seen wandering <strong>the</strong><br />
gravel pits, naked and ga<strong>the</strong>ring brush to start a fire. We would retrieve<br />
him, have <strong>the</strong> ambulance battle, and pick him up from <strong>the</strong> hospital,<br />
restored to rationality.<br />
Six weeks after his cancer diagnosis, he found out his daughter<br />
was pregnant. Ecstatic about his future grandson, he agreed to receive<br />
treatment for his cancer and to put his name on <strong>the</strong> organ transplant list.<br />
The cancer was put into remission, and he set about spoiling <strong>the</strong> little<br />
boy that bore his name. He faithfully went to <strong>the</strong> hospital every week to<br />
take <strong>the</strong> required drug test (only upstanding citizens are eligible for<br />
transplants) and to see if any matching livers had been found.<br />
He went to his daughter’s house to visit on <strong>the</strong> last weekend of<br />
every month. On his way home from a visit, he had an attack and<br />
disappeared. When he didn’t return that night, my mo<strong>the</strong>r became<br />
hysterical. She called all <strong>the</strong> hospitals in a hundred mile radius. When<br />
she didn’t find him in <strong>the</strong> hospital, she called all <strong>the</strong> police stations. After<br />
ten days, he was discovered at my cousin Bubba’s house, smoking crack.<br />
He was again taken to <strong>the</strong> hospital for treatment. When <strong>the</strong>y did his<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 7
UNCLE BUD, CHAOS SUPERSTAR<br />
weekly drug test, he was positive, and kicked off <strong>the</strong> recipient list for six<br />
months.<br />
The setback sent him into a spiral of insane behavior. He started<br />
taking his pills by <strong>the</strong> hand full. He hid vodka bottles all over <strong>the</strong> tiny,<br />
one room house he shared with my grandmo<strong>the</strong>r. She would not admit<br />
that he should not be allowed to drive, and refused to take his truck from<br />
him.<br />
“He’s a grown man,” she said, “he’s gotta have his <strong>free</strong>dom.”<br />
One night, high on pills and drunk, he went to visit a family<br />
friend, Burke Burnett. Upon his arrival, he convinced Burke to go out on<br />
<strong>the</strong> town with him. They sat in <strong>the</strong> dingy bar and drank until it closed.<br />
Bud declared that he was more capable of driving <strong>the</strong>m home safely, and<br />
Burke agreed. As <strong>the</strong>y made <strong>the</strong>ir way home, Bud’s truck spun out of<br />
control and landed in a cornfield. The back half of <strong>the</strong> truck was left in<br />
<strong>the</strong> road. Instead of waiting for help, <strong>the</strong>y left <strong>the</strong> vehicle and started<br />
walking. A woman driving home from <strong>the</strong> same bar hit <strong>the</strong> truck, and<br />
flipped it over, totaling both of <strong>the</strong> cars. Oblivious to <strong>the</strong> trouble he had<br />
caused, Bud and Burke returned to <strong>the</strong> bar to picked up Burke’s truck.<br />
Bud was again able to convince Burke of his driving capabilities, and <strong>the</strong>y<br />
headed for home. Bud made it two miles past <strong>the</strong> scene of <strong>the</strong> original<br />
accident, before slamming into a light pole and knocking it over. It<br />
landed across <strong>the</strong> hood, and totaled Burke’s truck. They walked <strong>the</strong> rest<br />
of <strong>the</strong> way home.<br />
Bud was eventually put back on <strong>the</strong> waiting list for a new liver.<br />
He was at <strong>the</strong> hospital to have x-rays done, when <strong>the</strong> doctors found a<br />
dark mass in his brain. After a biopsy, it was determined to be brain<br />
cancer.<br />
“This time, <strong>the</strong> diagnosis is real. This brain cancer is a death<br />
sentence. Get your affairs in order, because you’re going to die within six<br />
months.”<br />
“You mo<strong>the</strong>rfuckers keep tryin’ to kill me, but I just won’t die.<br />
Take me off <strong>the</strong> list.”<br />
Two years later, Bud was driving down a curvy farm road, on his<br />
way to pick up my cousin. He was full of Oxycontin. He reached down to<br />
change <strong>the</strong> radio station, and missed a curve. His car slammed into a tree<br />
at 70 miles per hour, decapitating him. Witnesses said his brake lights<br />
never flashed. I wouldn’t have expected <strong>the</strong>m to.<br />
8
Richard Fucking Nixon<br />
By Jon Konrath<br />
I listen to a lot of metal. We’re talking about a huge collection of extreme<br />
metal, from rare import CDs and unreleased demo tapes from<br />
Dismember, Cradle of Filth, and Anal Cunt, to more underground stuff<br />
like Inverted Bitch Fister and Nuclear Winter. I also dig <strong>the</strong> classics:<br />
Hendrix, ‘Zeppelin, ‘Sabbath, and ‘Priest. But I also listen to and enjoy a<br />
lot of music that, by all o<strong>the</strong>r standards, sucks. I mean, owning one<br />
Journey album could be written off as a fluke. Having a couple of Blue<br />
Oyster Cult discs laying around is pretty questionable. But having every<br />
Mariah Carey album released to date, and not only that, but having all of<br />
<strong>the</strong> imports, <strong>the</strong> remixes, <strong>the</strong> 12” DJ wax, <strong>the</strong> Glitter soundtrack, and<br />
knowing <strong>the</strong> words to all of <strong>the</strong> songs, well that’s a stomping offense in<br />
some circles. From <strong>the</strong> first Winger album, to <strong>the</strong> Grim Reaper<br />
discography, and all of <strong>the</strong> Chick Corea Elektric Band CDs, a lot of my<br />
music collection is kept under wraps, especially when dealing with<br />
extremely straight-and-narrow metal dorks who think not being “true”<br />
or “supporting <strong>the</strong> scene” are much worse offenses than living <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
entire lives in <strong>the</strong>ir mom’s basement.<br />
Ano<strong>the</strong>r secret that not many people know about me is that I<br />
spend a lot of time hanging out with Richard Nixon. I don’t mean I know<br />
some o<strong>the</strong>r dude named Dick Nixon, or that I read his books, or watch<br />
that horrible movie where Hannibal Lechter plays him; I mean I actually<br />
party with Richard Milhous Nixon, 37th President, 36th Vice-President,<br />
and a huge fan of grindcore and death metal. And yes, he’s still alive. The<br />
whole cerebrovascular blood clot death thing in 1994 was an elaborate<br />
ruse created by one of Clinton’s stooges to draw heat from an intern sex<br />
scandal that got buried by <strong>the</strong> funeral news.<br />
Tricky Dick is still rockin’ out, hanging out in a two-bedroom<br />
condo in Hoboken, doing some minor mob boss enforcement work in<br />
Jersey, and working on his fan tribute site to <strong>the</strong> movie Point Break, one<br />
of his favorite flicks. “I love that shit,” he told me, “especially since The<br />
Fast and <strong>the</strong> Furious totally ripped it off, but it had some great car chases,<br />
and <strong>the</strong>re’s a scene where you can totally see side tit on Jordana<br />
Brewster, which is pretty hot. Also sometimes I like to wear one of those<br />
Nixon masks like <strong>the</strong> bank robber, because that’s a freaky little bit of<br />
irony for you to wrap your head around.”<br />
Every now and <strong>the</strong>n, Dick swings by my pad to chill out with<br />
me. I hooked up with him years ago when I was trying to unload some<br />
Ronnie James Dio tickets, and after many nights of beers and record<br />
10
JON KONRATH<br />
collection comparisons, he started writing reviews for my old death<br />
metal zine, Xenocide. We developed a friendship from <strong>the</strong>re, based on our<br />
fondness for extreme metal and Vietnam war movies. (He’s a HUGE<br />
Apocalypse Now fan.) Sometimes I’d take <strong>the</strong> PATH train out to his place<br />
in Jersey, and we’d go to <strong>the</strong> Apple Store in Shorthills Mall and change<br />
all of <strong>the</strong> computers’ desktops to some random anal fisting JPEGs. He<br />
also had a crash pad in Queens, close to <strong>the</strong> strip clubs in Long Island<br />
City, where he’d hide out on weekends, shoot coke, and make prank<br />
phone calls to <strong>the</strong> DNC.<br />
Tricky Dick swung by most Saturdays with a cold case of<br />
whatever was on sale, usually to borrow my Nakamichi high-speed-dub<br />
tape deck and make copies of whatever death metal promos showed in my<br />
mailbox that week. He always had plenty of high-quality blanks with<br />
him, because he apparently struck an endorsement deal with Maxell in<br />
Japan, where he’s huge, and <strong>the</strong>y did a lot of tongue-in-cheek Watergatebased<br />
commercials over <strong>the</strong>re.<br />
We never talked about politics, because after he had a few beers,<br />
he got pissy, melodramatic, and downright paranoid about <strong>the</strong> Kennedy<br />
family and any of a thousand o<strong>the</strong>r political enemies, and I found it to be<br />
a topic best avoided. The one time I indirectly asked him what he<br />
thought about something Clinton did that week, he threw a Rolling Rock<br />
bottle out <strong>the</strong> window, narrowly missing my head, <strong>the</strong>n went on this 45-<br />
minute screaming tirade about how every person in <strong>the</strong> Democratic<br />
party is a dumb fucking Jew cocksucker and <strong>the</strong> country would be better<br />
off if we found a children’s charity for <strong>the</strong> mentally retarded and let <strong>the</strong>m<br />
run <strong>the</strong> country.<br />
But I’ll tell you what: Big Dick knows his fucking metal. He’s<br />
been banging his head since way back, and he’s got an impressive<br />
collection of vinyl, tapes, and zines in <strong>the</strong> same vault that he uses to keep<br />
his personal copies of <strong>the</strong> White House tapes and private<br />
correspondence. I mean, this dude used to trade tapes and write with<br />
Cliff Burton back when he was still in Trauma, years before he joined<br />
Metallica. And while some people might be able to tell you that Metallica<br />
covered some Diamondhead albums, this guy had a copy of <strong>the</strong> original<br />
Earmark Records pressing of Diamondhead’s Lightning to <strong>the</strong> Nations,<br />
signed by <strong>the</strong> whole band. A conversation about metal with Nix usually<br />
weaved all over <strong>the</strong> place, and involved frequent consultation with a halfdozen<br />
music dictionaries and web sites to resolve disputes like, say, if Ron<br />
Keel formed Keel before or after Steeler (after) or if Cozy Powell played<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 11
RICHARD FUCKING NIXON<br />
drums on that Whitesnake album with Steve Vai. (No! He was on <strong>the</strong><br />
road with Gary Moore <strong>the</strong>n!) I doubt if <strong>the</strong>re is or will ever be ano<strong>the</strong>r<br />
American President that can name all of <strong>the</strong> Black Sabbath singers aside<br />
from Ozzy and Dio (Ian Gillen, Tony Martin, Ray Gillen, Dave Walker,<br />
David Donato, Glenn Hughes, and briefly Rob Halford, when Dio<br />
pussied out in <strong>the</strong> middle of a tour), and that always makes for an<br />
interesting evening of shooting <strong>the</strong> shit.<br />
One Saturday night, while I was playing some Grand Theft Auto<br />
and trying to decide between Domino’s and crap Chinese, I got a call<br />
from Nixon saying he wanted to stop over before he hit <strong>the</strong> titty bars<br />
later. Within a few minutes, Dick showed up at my place in one of those<br />
goombah track suits, with a six of Schlitz tall-boys, looking a bit older<br />
and thinner than famous photos when he was in office, but still with <strong>the</strong><br />
ski-jump nose and sunken jowls. He wore a thick gold chain with a goldplated<br />
cassette tape dangling from it, like he was some obscure hip-hop<br />
star. He told me once he gets a lot of weird questions about it, not<br />
because an ancient dude is wearing bling, but because “nobody under <strong>the</strong><br />
age of thirty knows what <strong>the</strong> fuck a cassette is anymore.”<br />
“Hey Johnny, how’s your god damned video game? You kill all of<br />
<strong>the</strong> Haitians yet?”<br />
“Working on it. How was that Twisted Sister reunion show last<br />
week?”<br />
“Fucking sucked,” he said. “Christ, Dee Snyder looks older than<br />
me. Actually, <strong>the</strong>y weren’t bad, but <strong>the</strong>y had like 19 opening bands, and<br />
<strong>the</strong>y all sucked shit. I taped it though.”<br />
“Christ, you tape everything.”<br />
“Speaking of which, can I use your deck and dub that new<br />
Carcass tribute album? Man I love <strong>the</strong>se guys — did you know my dad<br />
was a butcher when I grew up?”<br />
“Toss me a blank, I’ll get it started.”<br />
Dick threw over a C-90 from his endless supply, and I got <strong>the</strong><br />
synchro-start going on <strong>the</strong> Nakamichi. Meanwhile, he crashed on <strong>the</strong><br />
couch and snagged my PS2 controller. He immediately typed in a cheat<br />
code to get a flamethrower, and started mowing down pedestrians with<br />
fire.<br />
12
JON KONRATH<br />
“Die you fucking Vietnamese! Napalm!” he yelled at <strong>the</strong> TV. “Hey,<br />
put on some fucking music!” he said. “You got anything new?<br />
A stack of CDs I got at Virgin earlier in <strong>the</strong> day sat next to <strong>the</strong><br />
changer, one of which was Dokken’s 1985 effort, Under Lock and Key.<br />
Now, I’m a huge closet Dokken fan, and Richard’s really into <strong>the</strong>ir stuff<br />
for many of <strong>the</strong> same reasons. We both listened to much heavier metal<br />
back in <strong>the</strong> mid-Eighties — I mean, that’s <strong>the</strong> same year Slayer released<br />
Hell Awaits, Iron Maiden put out Live After Death, and SOD started out<br />
with Speak English or Die, just to give you an idea of <strong>the</strong> climate back<br />
<strong>the</strong>n. (Nixon always mentioned how he wished he could have blasted that<br />
SOD song on <strong>the</strong> Air Force One when he first visited China.) But I’ve<br />
always liked Dokken, even back when Voivod’s War and Pain was <strong>the</strong><br />
much cooler thing to be listening to. I threw in <strong>the</strong> CD, and tried to<br />
guess what his reaction would be.<br />
Dick cracked open his Schlitz master cylinder as <strong>the</strong> synth-gong<br />
sounds at <strong>the</strong> start of “Unchain <strong>the</strong> Night” started. Before <strong>the</strong> first drum<br />
beat, he said “Fuckin’ Dokken! It’s been a while since I heard this one.”<br />
“Yeah, I just picked it up on CD,” I said. “I had a dub on tape, but<br />
it’s practically worn through.”<br />
“This is <strong>the</strong>ir second-best one, I think.” he said, before slamming<br />
back <strong>the</strong> rest of his beer. (It’s worth noting that Nixon could easily down<br />
an entire six-pack of 24-ounce cans before I could finish my first.)<br />
“You like Back For The Attack more? That’s blasphemy.”<br />
“No, no, Tooth and Nail, you shi<strong>the</strong>ad. Everything before that<br />
sucks, and <strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong>y nailed it. Shit, ‘Alone Again’... ten seconds of that<br />
song and I’m back at Camp David with <strong>the</strong> whole world against me,<br />
everyone trying to indict me for just a couple of tape recorders and<br />
break-ins, I’m crying like a little bitch, and even Kissinger isn’t taking<br />
my phone calls.” He paused <strong>the</strong> video game, cracked open ano<strong>the</strong>r beer,<br />
and took a hit. “Back For <strong>the</strong> Attack, it’s not bad, probably <strong>the</strong>ir last<br />
listenable one, but Neil Kernon spent too much time thinking about it.<br />
He produced this and ‘Attack, you know. But he didn’t have his claws in<br />
this one too much. They took too long recording ‘Attack, and it got too<br />
sterile, too many overdubs.”<br />
“I think Kernon spent too much time around Queensryche and<br />
wanted to give Dokken <strong>the</strong> same clean prog sound, and it didn’t fit.”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 13
RICHARD FUCKING NIXON<br />
“And we all know how that ends,” he said. “Your singer and<br />
guitar player spend forever wagging cocks at each o<strong>the</strong>r, and after a toolong<br />
tour and a piss-poor live album, both of <strong>the</strong>m split up and start<br />
crappy solo projects that can’t sell out a McDonald’s during a lunch<br />
hour. Then grunge shows up, and Don Dokken is sucking dick for crack<br />
while George Lynch is selling car insurance door to door.”<br />
“And ten years later, Neil Kernon is producing Hall and Oates<br />
albums.”<br />
“No shit? I never knew that. Probably out of someone’s garage.<br />
I’d guess Oates’s.”<br />
“I still don’t see how could you like Tooth and Nail better than<br />
this,” I said. “Dokken’s singing is nowhere near as good — he sounds<br />
way too saccharine sweet. Every line is like a cliche. And <strong>the</strong> guitars are<br />
buried.”<br />
“At least you can hear <strong>the</strong> drums over <strong>the</strong> fucking guitar!” he<br />
said. “You know, I did some producing back in <strong>the</strong> day, when I put a band<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r.”<br />
“Was that The Plumbers?”<br />
“You mean <strong>the</strong> Ass Plumbers? Ha, ha. Well, it was me, John<br />
Mitchell, John Dean and Bob Haldeman. Gordon Liddy wrote most of<br />
<strong>the</strong> music. After Dean squealed like a fuckin’ stuck pig, we replaced him<br />
with Ehrlichman, who couldn’t play worth a shit. And <strong>the</strong> acoustics in<br />
<strong>the</strong> White House bowling alley really aren’t what <strong>the</strong>y should be. We<br />
had this spook from <strong>the</strong> NSA helping us with <strong>the</strong> recording equipment,<br />
one of those big Ampex tape decks, and he insisted on doing all of <strong>the</strong><br />
producing. We had Brush — Bobby Haldeman — on this Ludwig fivepiece,<br />
a really tight kit, but this dude was totally mudding up <strong>the</strong> drum<br />
sound. I managed to kick him <strong>the</strong> fuck out of <strong>the</strong>re and redo <strong>the</strong> board<br />
when we recorded ‘Daniel Ellsberg Was a Nazi’, though.”<br />
“Why didn’t any that album get released? Conflict of interest<br />
with <strong>the</strong> office?”<br />
“I’ll tell you,” he said. “Back <strong>the</strong>n, <strong>the</strong> record industry was run by<br />
Jews, godless Communists, and faggots. I wanted to unleash HUAC fullforce<br />
to crack some skulls and maybe get some honest, god-fearing<br />
Christian Americans in <strong>the</strong>re to help us release some unholy Satanic<br />
death metal, but it didn’t happen,” he said. “And <strong>the</strong>re were so many<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r problems. Dick Cheney was our manager back <strong>the</strong>n, and we<br />
14
JON KONRATH<br />
thought he’d get us a good record deal, because he had some Yale<br />
connections, but <strong>the</strong>n he started getting all of <strong>the</strong>se DUIs, and a deal<br />
never came out. And <strong>the</strong>n someone accidentally erased a section of our<br />
master tapes...”<br />
“Oh, speaking of buried drums, on this track...” he got up from<br />
<strong>the</strong> couch. “Here, gimme <strong>the</strong> fucking remote...”<br />
He snagged <strong>the</strong> clicker, jumped up a track to “In My Dreams”,<br />
and hit <strong>the</strong> volume.<br />
“Listen to this shit. Where’s <strong>the</strong> snare? Where’s <strong>the</strong> FUCKING<br />
SNARE? It sounds like he’s thumping on a down pillow with a wet<br />
cucumber. On ‘Bullets to Spare’ or ‘Heartless Heart’ it’s like ‘BAM’,<br />
‘BAM’, ‘BAM’, explosive, like <strong>the</strong>y had it wired to a trigger, except this<br />
was way before everyone went MTV and started triggering <strong>the</strong>ir drum<br />
kits, except maybe Frankie Goes to Hollywood or something. And forget<br />
about <strong>the</strong> bass — you can’t even hear if it’s <strong>the</strong>re or not,” he said. “Also,<br />
what’s with this harmonized shit? They taped Donny singing every line<br />
five times and looped it back on itself. He sounds like Cher or<br />
something,” he said. “’Aaaah! Aaaaah! Ah-ahhh!’ What a douche. I do like<br />
this solo, though.”<br />
The perfect fretwork of George Lynch screamed over <strong>the</strong> top of<br />
<strong>the</strong> band, probably Dokken’s one redeeming quality. These guys weren’t<br />
entirely a “hair metal” band, but danced with a slightly more technical<br />
and produced sound, more like a prog-rock band than a Poison or<br />
Cinderella. I think that eventually killed <strong>the</strong>m, though, because <strong>the</strong>y<br />
tried to sell to that teenybopper crowd and couldn’t, but <strong>the</strong> tough guys<br />
wouldn’t go for it, ei<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
“Oh, let me look at <strong>the</strong> CD book,” he said. “I want to see if <strong>the</strong>y<br />
look like fairy whores or not.”<br />
“Just what I was thinking,” I said. I opened <strong>the</strong> CD booklet and<br />
almost spit beer upon looking at <strong>the</strong>ir photo. All four guys had that<br />
Samantha Fox fea<strong>the</strong>red, permed, and frosted hairdo from <strong>the</strong> 80s,<br />
sported way too much eye makeup, and wore lea<strong>the</strong>r pants so tight you<br />
could confirm if each member was Jewish or not.<br />
“It’s like a fucking Clairol commercial,” Dick said. “You could<br />
replace any of <strong>the</strong> guys in this picture with Lita Ford and not tell <strong>the</strong><br />
difference, except maybe <strong>the</strong> tits. What <strong>the</strong> fuck were <strong>the</strong>y thinking?”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 15
RICHARD FUCKING NIXON<br />
“Sluts?” I said. “Money? They’re too wimpy to do drugs. I don’t<br />
know, it was a weird time.”<br />
“Speaking of latent homosexuals, here’s <strong>the</strong>ir big ballad,” he said,<br />
as “Slippin’ Away” came on.<br />
“This isn’t bad,” I said. “It’s <strong>the</strong> same stupid ballad every band<br />
back <strong>the</strong>n wrote, but, I like <strong>the</strong> acoustic guitar over <strong>the</strong> top of <strong>the</strong> slow,<br />
reverb base.”<br />
“Yeah, Lynch is a madman. He’s always been a great player. I<br />
keep meaning to check out <strong>the</strong> new Lynch Mob stuff, but I can’t get<br />
Elektra to send me a review copy. Being allegedly dead makes it damn<br />
near impossible to get <strong>free</strong> shit from <strong>the</strong> record companies.”<br />
“Check out this solo” I said. Two minutes in, George Lunch<br />
pushed <strong>the</strong> slow distortion of his ESP guitar and strolled through a<br />
near-perfect verse, <strong>the</strong> kind of power metal ballad fretwork far superior<br />
than <strong>the</strong> more mainstream stuff you saw back in <strong>the</strong> eighties on MTV.<br />
“He’s got a good tone here,” Dick said. “Back when Johnny<br />
Mitchell was playing guitar for us, he could always hit a perfect sound<br />
like that. Bill Rehnquist used to jam with us when we were first getting<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r. He was really into ‘Sabbath back <strong>the</strong>n, and totally had a hardon<br />
for Grand Funk Railroad. He had this really heavy chordwork, like<br />
what we’d call ‘stoner metal’ now, but his tone was all over <strong>the</strong> place, just<br />
fuzz and chunky volume. Me and Johnny were more into Deep Purple,<br />
that old Ritchie Blackmore tone, classic Zappa, and Captain Beefheart. I<br />
remember during <strong>the</strong> Indo-Pakistan war, me and Yahya Khan used to<br />
listen to Trout Mask Replica over and over. Used to drive Spiro nuts.<br />
Anyway, Bill Rehnquist got into that Gilbert and Sullivan shit, and we<br />
knew he wouldn’t be a good fit. But Johnny — his sound was always so<br />
exact, we used to call it <strong>the</strong> Mitchell Effect. Get it?”<br />
“No. What’s <strong>the</strong> Mitchell Effect?”<br />
“God damn it, what are <strong>the</strong>y teaching you fuckers in school <strong>the</strong>se<br />
days? Look it up. Anyway, about Rehnquist, turns out he’s distantly<br />
related to Nicke Andersson, <strong>the</strong> old drummer from Entombed.”<br />
“No shit?”<br />
“Yeah, Bill’s grandparents were Anderssons — <strong>the</strong>y changed<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir name when <strong>the</strong>y got here from Sweden. They’re cousins a million<br />
times removed, but he plugged his shit into FamilyTreeMaker during a<br />
16
JON KONRATH<br />
court recess and found <strong>the</strong> connection. ‘Course he didn’t know that<br />
FamilyTreeMaker is run by <strong>the</strong> Mormons, and him and his whole family<br />
tree got missionaries showing up at <strong>the</strong>ir door like cockroaches in a New<br />
York apartment. Anyway, Bill got into death metal after that, big time —<br />
always used to go to Sweden, started detuning his guitars, wearing<br />
lea<strong>the</strong>r pants and one of those bullet belts under his robes, <strong>the</strong> whole<br />
deal. He was pretty tight with <strong>the</strong> guys in Entombed, Dismember,<br />
Grave, all of those Swedish death metal bands. Not Unleashed, though.<br />
For some reason, he never got along with Johnny Hedlund.”<br />
“I could see that — all of <strong>the</strong> Tolkein shit probably threw him.”<br />
“Yeah, Bill hated that Hobbit shit. I remember one time he beat<br />
<strong>the</strong> living shit out of his son Jim with a gavel because he caught him<br />
playing Dungeons and Dragons. Hard-core porno, a little reefer, Rehn<br />
didn’t give a shit about that. But one twenty-sided die under <strong>the</strong> bed, he<br />
would thrash you within inches of your life. He played hardball.”<br />
“Sounds like.”<br />
“Hey, <strong>the</strong>se lyrics aren’t bad here,” Nixon said. “I mean, <strong>the</strong>y<br />
aren’t as doubled up as <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r songs. But man, on Tooth and Nail <strong>the</strong>y<br />
sounded so perfect...”<br />
“Here’s <strong>the</strong> good shit,” I said. “Lightning Strikes. This is a little<br />
more prog-rock than if you think about it,” I said.<br />
“Yeah, listen to this and Queensryche’s Rage for Order back-toback,<br />
and you’ll wonder why Geoff Tate didn’t sue <strong>the</strong>m for royalties.<br />
Hell, if I wasn’t disbarred, I’d take <strong>the</strong> case for him, pro bono.” he said.<br />
“Hey, what’s <strong>the</strong> second-to-last song? They always put <strong>the</strong> slow one<br />
<strong>the</strong>re,” he said.<br />
“‘Will <strong>the</strong> Sun Rise’.” I punched up to track 9.<br />
“He’s got really clean guitar tone here,” Dick said. “And I like <strong>the</strong><br />
acoustic stuff over <strong>the</strong> top. Gives it really good texture.”<br />
“He actually did that with a synclavier guitar,” I said. “All of<br />
<strong>the</strong>se pads are put toge<strong>the</strong>r digitally, or with a Roland 707 or<br />
something.”<br />
“No shit? Sounds like something Zappa would do. This is around<br />
when he was doing Jazz from Hell and all of his o<strong>the</strong>r Synclavier stuff.<br />
That’s also around <strong>the</strong> time that bitch Tipper Gore was giving him so<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 17
RICHARD FUCKING NIXON<br />
much shit with <strong>the</strong> PMRC. Christ, you’d never see Pat pulling that kind<br />
of shit when I was in office.”<br />
“Did you know Zappa had a full-time tech move in with him just<br />
to wrangle that thing? Like when Elvis had Ampeg build him a reel-toreel<br />
VCR in <strong>the</strong> Sixties, and it took a live-in engineer to record his<br />
football games and keep it running.”<br />
“I ever tell you about <strong>the</strong> time I met Elvis in <strong>the</strong> Oval Office?”<br />
“About a hundred times. Dude, I think everyone in <strong>the</strong> <strong>free</strong> world<br />
knows that story. That picture of you two shaking hands is more famous<br />
than <strong>the</strong> one of Neil Armstrong stepping on <strong>the</strong> moon.”<br />
“I met him too, you know.”<br />
“Yeah, I know,” I said. “I saw <strong>the</strong> moon rock endtable at your<br />
condo.”<br />
“Man,” he said, “this solo’s hot, too. I can’t believe <strong>the</strong> sound he<br />
gets out of his rig. This is way before you could just punch this shit up on<br />
your digital POD or whatever. That’s as sweet as <strong>the</strong> sound of a wing of<br />
B-52s heading in to Cambodia for a low-altitude napalm run.”<br />
“He’s like an audio testimony to those old Marshall Super<br />
Leads,” I said. “He can just start it screaming and <strong>the</strong>n back off like it’s a<br />
human voice or something.”<br />
The song faded out. “Last track,” he said. “It’s <strong>the</strong>ir fast one. Too<br />
bad Dokken’s singing. This track should be as good as ‘Turn on <strong>the</strong><br />
Action’, that last one on Tooth and Nail.”<br />
“Yeah, I like <strong>the</strong> car crash effect <strong>the</strong>y used, with a weird filter,” I<br />
said.<br />
“You ever listen to that with headphones? It’s got a really weird<br />
panning effect, it really sounds like <strong>the</strong> car’s going across <strong>the</strong> road or<br />
whatever,” he said. “Oh shit, cover your ears — Donnie’s going to try to<br />
hit a high note.”<br />
“Oh man, that’s bad,” Dick said. “He’s squealing like John Dean<br />
at a Senate Committee. And it could use more drum. Check out this<br />
ending though.”Don Dokken shrieked out an “AAA- A A AAAA!” in <strong>the</strong><br />
worst, most falsetto voice imaginable outside of a King Diamond record.<br />
Dokken repeated <strong>the</strong> chorus, whined <strong>the</strong> last notes, <strong>the</strong>n held it<br />
for <strong>the</strong> big “da-dum” finale. Then as <strong>the</strong> drums crashed, <strong>the</strong> song ended,<br />
18
JON KONRATH<br />
<strong>the</strong> cymbals hit, you could hear Lynch’s Marshall amps humming,<br />
shorting, spitting like <strong>the</strong>y couldn’t take anymore.<br />
“Man, I am fucking starving,” Dick said. “Any 24-hour places<br />
around here where we can grab a bite?”<br />
“Sure, <strong>the</strong>re’s <strong>the</strong> Neptune. Let me guess — poached eggs and<br />
corned beef hash?”<br />
“My view is that one should not break up a winning<br />
combination. Now gimme that tape dub and let’s get some fucking food.”<br />
I shut down my audio rig, hit <strong>the</strong> lights, and we headed for <strong>the</strong><br />
cheap Greek diner for some food and grease.<br />
“You see that Redskins game Monday?” he asked. We walked in<br />
<strong>the</strong> darkness of <strong>the</strong> Queens neighborhood, down a side street filled with<br />
garbage and bombed-out auto carcasses.<br />
“No, I don’t watch football.”<br />
“Is your TV broke, or are you some kind of Communist? I mean,<br />
I know <strong>the</strong>y bent over, grabbed <strong>the</strong>ir ankles, and took it from FedEx<br />
when <strong>the</strong>y moved to Maryland, but come on — it’s <strong>the</strong> Redskins. Vince<br />
Lombardi. Joe Theismann. Jesus Christ, are you sure your parents<br />
weren’t French or something?”<br />
A second later, three punks came out of <strong>the</strong> darkness and<br />
surrounded us. They were <strong>the</strong> typical wannabe thug kids that hung out<br />
in <strong>the</strong> neighborhood, smoked bad dope, and stole car stereos to pay for<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir atrocious Scarface t-shirts. They all brandished straight razors in<br />
one hand, and cheap fourties in <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r. All three of <strong>the</strong> punks wore<br />
Yankees caps and oversized Derek Jeter jerseys that hung to <strong>the</strong>ir knees<br />
like dresses.<br />
“Yo, hand over <strong>the</strong> chain yo,” said <strong>the</strong> main goon. “And all your<br />
money, son.”<br />
I kept my hands in view, but Dick didn’t really look scared at all.<br />
“Derek Jeter?” he asked. “Is he a pitcher or a catcher?”<br />
“Yo, son, he’s a shortstop, cuz.” The three goons laughed.<br />
“Homie thinks Jeter’s a catcher, cuz.”<br />
“No, I didn’t mean his baseball position,” he said. “I was<br />
referring to <strong>the</strong> fact that he’s a pillow-biter, and I wasn’t sure if he wore a<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 19
RICHARD FUCKING NIXON<br />
dress for his husband A-rod, or if Jeter assumed <strong>the</strong> male role in <strong>the</strong><br />
relationship, or maybe <strong>the</strong>y took turns, like on road games, Jeter was <strong>the</strong><br />
bottom, and <strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong>y switched off for home games. Or maybe <strong>the</strong>y both<br />
grab <strong>the</strong>ir ankles and have <strong>the</strong> entire 40-man squad from <strong>the</strong> Boston Red<br />
Sox run a train on <strong>the</strong>ir asses, while <strong>the</strong>y both took turns blowing Theo<br />
Epstein. Ei<strong>the</strong>r way, <strong>the</strong> three of you happen to be wearing his jersey in<br />
celebration of your own alternative lifestyle choice, right? I mean, it<br />
can’t be because you like how that lazy, overpaid piece of shit doesn’t field<br />
worth a fuck. Or maybe you’re just fans of his cologne?”<br />
“Shut <strong>the</strong> fuck up, cholo! What <strong>the</strong> fuck? Jeter’s not a faggot.<br />
He dated Mariah Carey, yo.”<br />
“I rest my case.”<br />
“God damn it, hand over <strong>the</strong> shit before I have to cut you.”<br />
“You guys want to see some real gold?” Dick pulled a goldplated<br />
Colt .45 pistol out of his running suit. Two of <strong>the</strong> wannabe<br />
gangstas took off running, but Dick fired off six shots into <strong>the</strong> main thug,<br />
and he hit <strong>the</strong> deck. The kid sprawled across <strong>the</strong> dirty sidewalk in shock,<br />
gurgling through a sucking chest wound. Richard whipped out his cock,<br />
and took a nice long beer piss right into <strong>the</strong> injury.<br />
“Colt 45, works every time,” he said, zipping up. “Did I ever<br />
show you this? It’s <strong>the</strong> gun Elvis gave me.”<br />
“What <strong>the</strong> fuck are you doing?” I yelled. “We have to get <strong>the</strong><br />
fuck out of here!”<br />
“Don’t worry, nobody’s missing this guy. Besides, Jerry Ford<br />
pardoned me of all, crimes, remember?”<br />
“God damn it, I keep telling you, that pardon only goes up to <strong>the</strong><br />
day of your resignation! We can go back to my apartment and look it up<br />
online if you don’t believe me.”<br />
“Don’t believe that stuff,” he said. “The internet’s all run by<br />
Jews. And if Al Gore invented it, I would trust a damn thing on <strong>the</strong>re.<br />
Now let’s go get some dinner.”<br />
“Christ, you didn’t tell me this was a Greek diner,” Dick<br />
whispered to me, as we sat in a booth, paging through <strong>the</strong> menus.<br />
“Spiro’s family could be running <strong>the</strong> place.”<br />
20
JON KONRATH<br />
“I’m sure <strong>the</strong>y only have ties to <strong>the</strong> Greek mafia, not him.”<br />
“Well, we know he wasn’t handling <strong>the</strong>ir finances. I mean, <strong>the</strong>y<br />
haven’t been shut down for tax evasion, right?”<br />
The waitress came over, a dark-skinned, top-heavy<br />
Mediterranean beauty with a thick accent and a no-bullshit attitude from<br />
too many nights on <strong>the</strong> midnight shift. “You guys ready?” she said,<br />
pulling a pad and pen from her apron.<br />
“Hi <strong>the</strong>re, sweetie. How about three poached eggs, corned beef<br />
hash, cottage cheese, don’t forget <strong>the</strong> ketchup, and a Pepsi, no ice.”<br />
“And you sir?”<br />
“I’ll just have a grilled cheese and fries.”<br />
The waitress walked back to <strong>the</strong> kitchen to hand over <strong>the</strong> green<br />
and white order ticket to <strong>the</strong> cooks.<br />
“Man, did you see <strong>the</strong> rack on that one?” he said. “You know<br />
who would love to get on that shit, is Gus Pinochet. That man loved his<br />
jugs. One time he was in DC for some CIA coverup thing, and me, him,<br />
and Richard Helms went to this titty bar out on M street. This was<br />
before I fired his ass and sent him to rot in Tehran, but when we had<br />
visitors from out of town, Richie liked to party. But Jesus Christ, Gus<br />
went nuts, and just buried himself in giant mammaries. I swear I didn’t<br />
see his face for <strong>the</strong> first hour we were <strong>the</strong>re...”<br />
“Dick, I’m a little worried about what just happened back <strong>the</strong>re?”<br />
“The cottage cheese and ketchup? I know it sounds horrible, but<br />
you should try it.”<br />
“No, I mean that kid you shot back <strong>the</strong>re.”<br />
“Lighten up, it’s not like I shot Ben Bagdikian or something. It<br />
was some half-assed punk, probably selling dime-bags of oregano and<br />
stolen iPods out of <strong>the</strong> trunk of his Camaro. He won’t be missed.”<br />
“But what if he lives?”<br />
“First of all, he won’t. But if that son of a bitch lives, he’s going<br />
to go through <strong>the</strong> rest of his life telling everyone that Richard Nixon<br />
capped his ass and pissed into <strong>the</strong> wound, and not a single person is<br />
going to believe him.”<br />
“Sometimes I don’t know how you sleep at night.”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 21
RICHARD FUCKING NIXON<br />
“Good question. Easy answer.” He rooted through a pocket of<br />
his tracksuit, and pulled out a square white prescription bottle. “Dilantin.<br />
Good stuff, I’ve been using it for years. Here, take this one, try it out.<br />
I’ve got a whole closet full of bottles at home, I’ve got a great croaker, an<br />
old RNC buddy, out in Jersey City that sets me up with anything —<br />
Viagra, HGH, THG — he’s even got a stash of pharmacy-grade PCP<br />
from some Parke-Davis lab in Eastern Europe.”<br />
“Thanks, I’ll give it a try,” I said, stuffing <strong>the</strong> bottle into my<br />
pocket. “Any side effects?”<br />
“I used to have a couple of rocket-fuel Mai Tais at night — you<br />
use Bacardi 181, great stuff - and <strong>the</strong>n drop some Dialntin, or maybe<br />
some Placidyl, or both, and <strong>the</strong>n I’d get a call at three in <strong>the</strong> morning<br />
from Kissinger, whining that some airport got bombed by terrorists or<br />
whatever, and I’d tend to say crazy shit. One time that Nazi fucker calls<br />
me at four in <strong>the</strong> morning to tell me that some NBA/ABA merger failed<br />
during labor talks, and I told him to load up 75 B-52s with tactical nukes<br />
and take out J. Walter Kennedy’s house in Stamford, Connecticut. So<br />
yeah, if you’re going to mix rum and anticonvulsants, get an answering<br />
machine and shut off your ringer.”<br />
The waitress appeared with plates in each hand, and laid out <strong>the</strong><br />
spread on <strong>the</strong> booth table. “Thanks much, honey,” Richard said. He<br />
turned to watch her ass as she walked away, <strong>the</strong>n immediately launched<br />
into his food. Watching Nixon eat was a spectacle, because he’d<br />
practically inhale everything, make all of <strong>the</strong>se slurping and chomping<br />
noises, and continue to talk through <strong>the</strong> entire meal. Add to that <strong>the</strong> fact<br />
that he ate some downright gross combinations of food — I mean, who<br />
<strong>the</strong> fuck puts ketchup on cottage cheese? It was a wonder I could even<br />
stomach my grilled cheese while he was slurping down <strong>the</strong> yolks out of<br />
his poached eggs.<br />
“God damn it, I hate <strong>the</strong> Yankees,” he said, mid-yolk. “I wish I<br />
would have put on that Slayer song, ‘Angel of Death’, and did a double-<br />
Uzi drive-by on Jeter and A-rah.”<br />
“Why, because you think <strong>the</strong>y’re gay?”<br />
“No, I really don’t care about what he does off <strong>the</strong> field. Hell, if I<br />
got paid $21.6 million a year to be a piss-poor shortstop, I’d be fucking<br />
all sorts of things people haven’t even thought of yet,” he said. “It’s just I<br />
fucking hate George Steinbrenner. The prick gave me money when I<br />
was President because he thought it was going to keep him out of<br />
22
JON KONRATH<br />
trouble, <strong>the</strong>n he starts blabbing to <strong>the</strong> whole world, ‘I think he’s going to<br />
get impeached. I think we should impeach him. He’s about to get<br />
impeached.’ Whatever. It’s real fucking hard to successfully run a team<br />
when you’ve got a quarter-billion dollar payroll and can buy every single<br />
player on <strong>the</strong> planet that’s worth a shit. I’d like to see him run a secret<br />
war in Cambodia with no public support.”<br />
Nixon completely finished his food before I got through <strong>the</strong> first<br />
half of my sandwich. “Honey, can we get <strong>the</strong> check here?” he said to <strong>the</strong><br />
waitress. “Christ, you eat slow. Don’t ever join <strong>the</strong> military — I swear,<br />
in <strong>the</strong> Navy, we used to have to eat that slop in five minutes flat, or you<br />
didn’t eat.”<br />
I shoved <strong>the</strong> rest of my sandwich in my mouth, as Dick studied<br />
<strong>the</strong> check. “What <strong>the</strong> Christ? This place is robbery. Maybe Spiro did<br />
work here. $3.99 for a scoop of cottage cheese? And <strong>the</strong>y called me a<br />
crook.” He pulled out a huge roll of cash, and dropped a $2 tip on a $28<br />
check. “Let’s get out of this hellhole.”<br />
I gave up on my food, and we went to <strong>the</strong> front register, where<br />
Dick peeled off a couple of bills, <strong>the</strong>n proceeded to put an entire bowl of<br />
dinner mints in his pocket. “These are <strong>free</strong>, right?” he asked <strong>the</strong> casher,<br />
who clearly wanted to slap him. “Come on, let’s hit <strong>the</strong> fuckin’ road!”<br />
On <strong>the</strong> way back, half of <strong>the</strong> street was taped off, as a dozen cops<br />
dug around <strong>the</strong> crime scene, <strong>the</strong>ir cars parked with flashing lights<br />
waking up <strong>the</strong> entire neighborhood.<br />
“Fuckers are probably just looking for something <strong>the</strong>y can pawn<br />
to keep up <strong>the</strong>ir meth habit,” Dick said. “I don’t even know why <strong>the</strong>y’re<br />
here. The last time I called in a shooting, <strong>the</strong> cop laughed and hung up<br />
on me.”<br />
“We better cut over to <strong>the</strong> next street. I don’t want you to start<br />
killing cops a block from my house.”<br />
“Ah, I would never kill a cop. I mean, not tonight. I might steal<br />
that car that’s running with <strong>the</strong> door open, and <strong>the</strong>n run it into a Dunkin<br />
Donuts at high speed. But why shoot <strong>the</strong>m, when someone else will<br />
eventually anyway, right?”<br />
We cut down an alley, and stopped again so Richard could take a<br />
piss. (On a building, not someone’s body.) Richard’s car, a ‘67 Eldorado<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 23
RICHARD FUCKING NIXON<br />
with limo-tinted windows and a jet black paint job, sat at <strong>the</strong> curb<br />
outside my place.<br />
“I think I’m going to head over to Scandals and see who’s<br />
dancing tonight. You interested?”<br />
“Nah, I’ve had enough excitement for <strong>the</strong> night.”<br />
“Fine, you pussy. Can you play that PlayStation game and whack<br />
off at <strong>the</strong> same time.”<br />
“Thanks for dinner. And let me know if you want to go to that<br />
GWAR show on <strong>the</strong> 22nd.”<br />
Nixon hopped in <strong>the</strong> Caddy, and fired up <strong>the</strong> Carnivore song<br />
“Jesus Hitler” in <strong>the</strong> CD player. He <strong>the</strong>n leaned out <strong>the</strong> window, gave me<br />
<strong>the</strong> double-V-for-victory salute. “Get a good night’s sleep and don’t bug<br />
anybody without asking me!” He hit <strong>the</strong> gas and took off into <strong>the</strong> night.<br />
Inside, I found my GTA game paused, people running down <strong>the</strong><br />
road on fire like that famous Vietnam picture. Tricky Dick. I wiped off<br />
as many fingerprints as I could, cleaned up <strong>the</strong> empties, and called it a<br />
night.<br />
24
Boogerlove<br />
By Yuppie Rockwell<br />
Sometime in <strong>the</strong> Mid-21st Century<br />
His real name was not James Boogerlove, but it was a convenient<br />
alias for <strong>the</strong> time being. He was Head Chairman of Camp Bowie<br />
Scavenger Squad #9. He got <strong>the</strong> job after former Head Chairman<br />
Smokey Drugsford was killed in a hail of police gunfire. He had been<br />
smoking a cigarette in a Non-Smoking Zone, which was most of <strong>the</strong> City<br />
of DalWorth, TX <strong>the</strong>se days. Cigarettes were only to be smoked in<br />
certain Smoking Zones. The only problem was <strong>the</strong>re were fewer and<br />
fewer of <strong>the</strong>se around since The Lawsuit Bro<strong>the</strong>rhood had hit town 10<br />
years ago.<br />
James sometimes would flavor his boogers with tobacco, but for<br />
<strong>the</strong> most part preferred a mint or spearmint flavoring. He was trying to<br />
kick <strong>the</strong> nicotine habit. After 6 months in DalWorth Nicotine<br />
Rehabilitation Center #189, he thought it was time. It was at this rehab<br />
that he actually began <strong>the</strong> habit of booger consumption and thus gained<br />
<strong>the</strong> nickname/alias: Boogerlove.<br />
Chewing gum, alcohol, drugs of any sort, salt, sugar, fat, and all<br />
meats were illegal. In fact gasoline was illegal except for government or<br />
state vehicles. The few private vehicles still in existence ei<strong>the</strong>r ran on<br />
ethanol, butane, propane or electricity. Paper was even heavily rationed.<br />
This was mainly because half of <strong>the</strong> world’s forests were gone at this<br />
point.<br />
Thus was <strong>the</strong> need for <strong>the</strong> Scavenger Squads. If you formed a<br />
Scavenger Squad under Freedom Ordinance 4445555986749399-<br />
NMU7645204949 of <strong>the</strong> Permanent Rationing Code, you could trade<br />
bodily organs or large sums of money for <strong>the</strong> banned substances legally.<br />
For example: 1 kidney or 25,000 PY (Peso-Yen, $25,000) = 10 beef<br />
steaks or 10 marijuana joints, with your Dalworth Scavenger Card of<br />
course. Viable human organs were a big business <strong>the</strong>se days since disease<br />
was so rampant. It was rare anyone lived past <strong>the</strong> age of 50 by <strong>the</strong> Mid-<br />
21st Century.<br />
However, despite all <strong>the</strong> above listed substances being illegal,<br />
guns and weapons of all sorts were not only legal, but non-ownership of<br />
at least 1 machine gun, 1 handgun, and 1 hand grenade by all persons<br />
over <strong>the</strong> age of 10 was a crime punishable by up to 5 years in prison or<br />
death, depending on <strong>the</strong> discretion of The Roving Judge Syndicate. Since<br />
it was perfectly legal for defendants in <strong>the</strong>se cases to carry weapons into<br />
<strong>the</strong> various secret court rooms, it was hard to keep judges or find people<br />
26
YUPPIE ROCKWELL<br />
for <strong>the</strong> job. The Cyborg/Robotic Judge Project was still in it’s infancy by<br />
<strong>the</strong> Mid-21st Century, so <strong>the</strong>re were not many of <strong>the</strong>se non-humans<br />
around to judge cases. So far <strong>the</strong> whole Project only consisted of 100<br />
units in The North American Union (formerly Canada, Unites States,<br />
Mexico).<br />
The killing of a machine carried <strong>the</strong> same penalty as killing a<br />
human judge – none. There was simply not enough prison space to house<br />
<strong>the</strong> lawbreakers. Since <strong>the</strong>re were 50 million currently in prison what<br />
were <strong>the</strong> judges suppose to do, let out filthy low lives caught <strong>free</strong>ly<br />
smoking and selling cartons of cigarettes? Of course not! Thus because<br />
of this logic, lawlessness ruled <strong>the</strong> day despite <strong>the</strong>re being more laws in<br />
<strong>the</strong> North American Union than in any o<strong>the</strong>r civilization in <strong>the</strong> history<br />
of humanity. For example: <strong>the</strong> North American Union had 100 million<br />
more laws than <strong>the</strong> now defunct State of California or The former<br />
United States of America.<br />
The main reason for so many laws was because of <strong>the</strong> various<br />
guilds, institutes, mafias, syndicates, groups, clubs and organizations that<br />
existed in <strong>the</strong> North American Union. The Union itself did not have one<br />
single law authored in its name by <strong>the</strong> Mid-21st Century. All laws came<br />
from <strong>the</strong> above-mentioned guilds, institutes, mafias, syndicates, groups,<br />
clubs, and organizations. For example: in New Havana, Florida smoking<br />
cigars is perfectly legally everywhere, including hospitals and gasoline/<br />
ethanol stations. However cigarette smoking is completely illegal in<br />
Dalworth, TX (except for <strong>the</strong> few Smoking Zones). In fact, New Havana<br />
possesses no Smoking Zones. As you can imagine, this causes for a<br />
plethora of nicotine activity as was well as many explosions. This makes<br />
for a robust fire department. In fact New Havana, Florida’s Fire<br />
Department is <strong>the</strong> best in all of <strong>the</strong> North American Union.<br />
President Zeus is head of <strong>the</strong> North American Union. He has no<br />
real power since law is controlled by <strong>the</strong> above plethora of organizations,<br />
though his cyborg image makes for an easy symbol of authority for <strong>the</strong><br />
people to identify with. In fact he gave at least one speech daily, lasting<br />
roughly 5 to 10 minutes, and every video screen had to carry it on all<br />
frequencies. This even included <strong>the</strong> popular M (micro) sets.<br />
James Boogerlove sat in his locked apartment as one of President<br />
Zeus’ speeches aired. Even if your visual devices were turned off, <strong>the</strong>y<br />
automatically came on when he gave his speeches. His speeches always<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 27
BOOGERLOVE<br />
happened at random times. One day <strong>the</strong>y would be at 0200 hours and <strong>the</strong><br />
next day <strong>the</strong>y would be at 1824 hours. It was unpredictable.<br />
“Dear North American Union citizens, I come to you tonight<br />
with a heavy heart. As you are well aware, we have had 2 small nuclear<br />
attacks this week in Choville, Iowa and Cyborg Tech IV, Baja California.<br />
I have attended both memorial services for <strong>the</strong> roughly 20,000 that died<br />
at each tragedy. However, I will not let this deter me from my position of<br />
pushing my New Nukes Legislation that will let every man, woman, and<br />
child in our great Union over <strong>the</strong> age of 10 and with proper security<br />
clearances of course –now just for 20 PY at any of your local WalFarts -<br />
to own <strong>the</strong>ir own personal nukes to defend <strong>the</strong>mselves. Now many in <strong>the</strong><br />
Fraud and Graft Judicial Chambers want to keep <strong>the</strong>se weapons banned.<br />
But if <strong>the</strong>y are banned, only <strong>the</strong> criminals will have <strong>the</strong>m! Nukes, nukes,<br />
nukes to defend <strong>the</strong> homeland”<br />
Loud prerecorded shouts and cheers erupt in <strong>the</strong> empty room<br />
where President Zeus is speaking.<br />
“Thank you. Now as you know insect collection is close to my<br />
heart. I like water bugs, spiders, and bees in particular. In fact my lover<br />
Mike and I were sitting around <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r day looking at my collection<br />
when I burped. The burped tasted like mayonnaise with lead in it. I was<br />
thinking it might be <strong>the</strong> water but <strong>the</strong>n Jesus told me lead doesn’t exist.<br />
That lead was made up by devil lovers like deviled eggs. I never eat those<br />
ei<strong>the</strong>r. I got a demon once when I was 12 from a deviled egg...”<br />
From that point President Zeus trailed off into very low toned<br />
mutterings and was escorted off from his speaker’s podium by <strong>the</strong> Secret<br />
Service. Just ano<strong>the</strong>r typical speech. It was illegal to say that any<br />
President was mentally ill. The acceptable words were: ‘The President<br />
drifted into a Transcendental Jesus State for <strong>the</strong> good our Great Union’.<br />
The video screens always went blank for a few seconds at this point, <strong>the</strong>n<br />
regular programming continued.<br />
Boogerlove had a flashback to Counselor Dickey Shrub, The<br />
chief interrogator at <strong>the</strong> Nicotine Rehab. Shrub paced back and forth in<br />
his casual golf club attire, swinging a golf club back and forth over <strong>the</strong><br />
seated Boogerlove.<br />
“Aight muthafucka”<br />
Began Shrub in his best black ghetto accent, though he had<br />
never lived in a black ghetto he liked to fancy himself a former resident<br />
28
YUPPIE ROCKWELL<br />
because he was banging a black/Viet chick by <strong>the</strong> name of La Kisha<br />
“Agent Orange” Nguyen. All <strong>the</strong> women in her family for <strong>the</strong> past 100<br />
years had been born with 3 breasts because of <strong>the</strong> use of Agent Orange<br />
in The Vietnam War. This fed well into Shrub’s strange sexual fantasies.<br />
“Speak up muthafucka”<br />
Shrub said again prancing and angrily swinging his golf club, hitting<br />
Boogerlove in <strong>the</strong> knees. Boogerlove bent over in pain.<br />
“Say you love Jesus. Say you love Jesus!”<br />
Shrub said over and over hitting Boogerlove in <strong>the</strong> knees, finally<br />
fracturing one kneecap.<br />
“You swine, you muthafucka traitor. You Anti-Zeus bastard! You<br />
love me don’t you? You think I’m cute. You want to fuck me in <strong>the</strong> ass!”<br />
“NO”<br />
Shrub hit Boogerlove again in his knees, fracturing <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
kneecap for his insolence.<br />
“Ah baby, you know you love me. You know you want to nail me<br />
where it’s pink and puckered. You queer ass muthafucka!”<br />
Boogerlove remained silence and flashed back to reality. He was<br />
in his locked apartment. The encounter with Counselor Shrub was a bad<br />
memory from over a year ago when he was in <strong>the</strong> Nicotine Rehab.<br />
Thanks to Mid-21st Century gene <strong>the</strong>rapy, <strong>the</strong>re was no permanent<br />
damage to Boogerlove’s kneecaps. Gene <strong>the</strong>rapy, however, was<br />
considered a sin in <strong>the</strong> North American Union and only allowed on<br />
torture victims to cover up “incidents”. Sin and Crime were synonymous<br />
with each o<strong>the</strong>r by this time in history. He took many illegal sleeping<br />
pills and passed out. Tomorrow was ano<strong>the</strong>r day.<br />
Tomorrow arrived and Boogerlove looked out his window at <strong>the</strong><br />
hazy Dalworth skyline. He dressed and stepped out into <strong>the</strong> sauna heat.<br />
He took a long walk over to Camp Bowie Scavenger Squad #9 to check<br />
in. At <strong>the</strong> door as usual was Judge Farley. Farley had lost his judgeship<br />
because of multiple wounds and since cyborg science was still new, his<br />
artificial heart, pancreas, and legs did not function well enough for him<br />
to keep his traveling judgeship. He was let go with no benefits or<br />
severance pay. Benefits and severance pay were against <strong>the</strong> law in <strong>the</strong><br />
North American Union. He soon joined <strong>the</strong> Scavenger Squad after his<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 29
BOOGERLOVE<br />
dismissal. Almost all Scavenger Squads had a former judge in <strong>the</strong>m,<br />
which came in very handy when dealing with <strong>the</strong> multitude of laws.<br />
“How ya doin’ judge?”<br />
“Oh, Okay, got busted for a cig <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r day, but <strong>the</strong> cop<br />
recognized me as a former judge and let it slid for 100 PY. I’m broke now,<br />
but <strong>free</strong>.”<br />
Boogerlove just shook his head, dug out a slimy booger, and<br />
savored it between his cheek and gum. Once inside he saw only 6 of <strong>the</strong><br />
20 member squad sitting around <strong>the</strong> meeting hall. The meeting hall was<br />
an abandoned old Taco Bell. This struck Boogerlove as strange since<br />
this was a regular meeting and all 20 members were required to be <strong>the</strong>re.<br />
He saw Nero Jones standing <strong>the</strong>re with a sad look on his face.<br />
“What’s up?”<br />
“We’re shut down, that’s what’s up”<br />
“What? But we’ve been making all our payoffs, following all <strong>the</strong><br />
rules...”<br />
“BOOGERLOVE! Man, you never have gotten it! DalWorth<br />
Authority can shut us down anytime <strong>the</strong>y like for any reason. The whole<br />
Scavenger Squad Program has always existed in a legal gray zone from<br />
day one.”<br />
Boogerlove paced <strong>the</strong> floor trying to regain his cool.<br />
“So what’s <strong>the</strong> reason?”<br />
“Well to boil it down from all <strong>the</strong> legalese,” began Nero, “It<br />
amounts to <strong>the</strong> fact that DalWorth claims we’ve been short on our<br />
Operational Fees for <strong>the</strong> past 2 months.”<br />
“That’s bullshit; we paid <strong>the</strong>m every peso of <strong>the</strong> 5000 PY <strong>the</strong>y<br />
want each month.”<br />
“Well, <strong>the</strong>re was a memo. They wanted 5010 PY a month<br />
starting 2 months ago.”<br />
“I didn’t get it.”<br />
“NO ONE DID, BOOG! That’s when <strong>the</strong> electric grid was off<br />
most of <strong>the</strong> time and more stringent paper rationing went into effect so<br />
<strong>the</strong>re was almost no o<strong>the</strong>r means to receive it o<strong>the</strong>r than electronically.<br />
In fact, 2 guys had been given <strong>the</strong> memo in paper form to carry over to<br />
30
YUPPIE ROCKWELL<br />
us but were arrested for violating Paper Rationing Code #4996903890-<br />
60009939839-RTYN and are now in lockdown for <strong>the</strong> next year.<br />
Boogerlove just sighed and began pacing again. He grabbed a<br />
hard, crisp one from his nose and began to nibble. Nero remained silent<br />
and chewed on his fingernails. The o<strong>the</strong>r 6 in <strong>the</strong> room quietly got up<br />
and left. Soon Boogerlove and Nero did <strong>the</strong> same.<br />
As soon a Boogerlove entered his apartment, <strong>the</strong> telescreen<br />
flashed on.<br />
“This is President Zeus. I have decided to shutdown all The<br />
Scavenger Squads Union wide. What at first seemed like a good<br />
compromise in this troubled world of ours has proved to be nothing but a<br />
hotbed of corruption. It seems that most of <strong>the</strong> government liaisons to<br />
<strong>the</strong>se Squads have been using <strong>the</strong>m to line <strong>the</strong>ir own pockets. Since this<br />
kind of corruption can not go unchecked, <strong>the</strong>y are now officially closed.<br />
The penalty for violation for this new law is still being worked out since<br />
we are now running out of numbers and letters to name <strong>the</strong>m with. But<br />
this, my fellow Unionists, is <strong>the</strong> price for <strong>free</strong>dom!”<br />
President Zeus’ image disappeared from <strong>the</strong> screen. Boogerlove<br />
stared off into space. He laughed to himself about <strong>the</strong> speech. There was<br />
always corruption and always a new law made to deal with that<br />
corruption or sin or violation which again caused yet ano<strong>the</strong>r law and<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r to be made. Ad Infinitum. I’m sure if it weren’t for Paper<br />
Rationing, all <strong>the</strong>se laws printed out would reach <strong>the</strong> moon.<br />
Boogerlove began to cry in frustration at <strong>the</strong> anal stupidity of<br />
modern life. He had read in banned books that things were not always<br />
like this. In fact as late as 70 years ago, people could <strong>free</strong>ly walk down <strong>the</strong><br />
street smoking a cigarette and legally buy a drink in a bar. No one was<br />
arrested for having too much paper. You could have a much paper as you<br />
liked or could afford. Also people didn’t have to sell <strong>the</strong>ir bodily organs<br />
for money to live. Talk about <strong>the</strong> good ole days!<br />
Boogerlove sat on his couch with his gun in his mouth. He pulled<br />
<strong>the</strong> trigger but nothing happened. He remembered <strong>the</strong>n that he had no<br />
bullets. He had to trade <strong>the</strong>m for a loaf of bread last week. He cried again<br />
and vowed to kill himself just as soon as he could come up with <strong>the</strong> 50<br />
PY ($50) for more ammo. Of course, he knew he didn’t have The Corpse<br />
Disposal Fee, but he really didn’t care. Fuck those bureaucratic morons!<br />
Maintenance could take out his dead carcass like everyone else and put it<br />
in <strong>the</strong> Human Disposal/Recycle Bins.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 31
BOOGERLOVE<br />
Death from disease, war, and suicide had become so common that<br />
<strong>the</strong>y had special bins everywhere for those who couldn’t afford The<br />
Corpse Disposal Fee. This included 90% of <strong>the</strong> population since this fee<br />
was $100,000 PY ($100,000). These bins had razor wire fencing and<br />
cameras around <strong>the</strong>m since stealing and selling human organs had<br />
become a big business. Only maintenance men with special licenses were<br />
allowed in and out of <strong>the</strong>se bins. Corrupt maintenance personal made<br />
millions of Peso Yen on <strong>the</strong> sly selling an eye here, a heart <strong>the</strong>re, etc.<br />
Suicide was actually illegal under Freedom Institute Ordinance<br />
#9998888855559-YNRGFSHIO-67849399C389583959-RTYYTC-<br />
44444988483999DFRR79038RJK86 of DalWorth, TX. A year later<br />
James Boogerlove violated this ordinance, writing a short but simple<br />
suicide note on an illegal piece of paper. It read: FUCK THE WORLD.<br />
32
Effortlessly Hitting A Vein<br />
By Keith Buckley<br />
Dr. Calder Bingley regretted accepting his uncle’s dinner invitation <strong>the</strong><br />
moment he opened <strong>the</strong> kitchen door. The stench of boiled turpentine<br />
singed his nostrils, immediately informing him that <strong>the</strong> Variolas’ absentminded<br />
cook, Pedro, had once again ruined <strong>the</strong> pesto by leaving <strong>the</strong> pinenuts<br />
in <strong>the</strong> oven too long. Why don’t Uncle Dirk and Aunt Evy fire <strong>the</strong><br />
worthless little troll, Calder asked himself as he caught sight of his aunt<br />
and <strong>the</strong> careless Guatemalan cook tangled in a furiously writhing mass<br />
beneath <strong>the</strong> butcher block table. And how in <strong>the</strong> name of God had Aunt<br />
Evy so firmly wedged her left hand in <strong>the</strong> shrieking Pedro’s rectum?<br />
Better find some canapes, Calder decided. I am starving and<br />
dinner’s obviously going to be delayed once again!<br />
Just as <strong>the</strong> young abortionist was trying to tip-toe out of <strong>the</strong><br />
kitchen, Evelyn Variola called out, “Calder! What a dear! You’ve come to<br />
rescue me. Be a lamb, would you, and whip up a batch of hollandaise for<br />
<strong>the</strong> asparagus— I daren’t trust Pedro with open flames again this<br />
evening. The butter and eggs are right by <strong>the</strong> stove!”<br />
“My pleasure, Aunt Evy,” Calder lied. The gas jets on his aunt’s<br />
ancient Amana range usually ran hotter than <strong>the</strong> engines of a 747, and he<br />
feared for his life should he curdle <strong>the</strong> sauce.<br />
Trying to ignore Pedro’s tortured cries of agony, Calder dropped<br />
two quarter-pound sticks of butter into a double boiler and silently<br />
perused <strong>the</strong> impressive array of surgical devices glistening, like freshly<br />
gutted lawyers, on <strong>the</strong> marble countertop. He quickly scanned <strong>the</strong> entire<br />
kitchen, but <strong>the</strong>re wasn’t a whisk in sight. “Improvise, <strong>the</strong>n,” he quietly<br />
muttered, and selected an open-bladed steel speculum. Nice to work with<br />
old friends, Calder thought.<br />
Almost as soon as he started beating <strong>the</strong> melted butter into a<br />
rich yellow froth, <strong>the</strong> five Demerol tablets he’d chugged a few hours ago<br />
with a tumbler of 18 year-old MacAllen lost its edge. His right knee<br />
almost buckled as <strong>the</strong> nerves throbbed to life. Painfully shifting his<br />
weight to his good leg, he casually announced, “Aunt Evy, if I’d known I<br />
was going to be put in charge of <strong>the</strong> hollandaise sauce, I might’ve<br />
considered <strong>the</strong> orthoscopic procedure Dirk suggested to me last month.”<br />
“We can probably find you a step-stool to sit on while you’re<br />
stirring <strong>the</strong> sauce,” Mrs. Variola said. Before she could tell him to move<br />
<strong>the</strong> children’s corpses out of <strong>the</strong> walk-in refrigerator so he could find <strong>the</strong><br />
lemons, however, Pedro performed a clever forward somersault.<br />
34
KEITH BUCKLEY<br />
Although <strong>the</strong> cook managed to <strong>free</strong> himself from his doughty employer’s<br />
hand, he also broke at least three bones in her wrist. Calder guessed that<br />
Evelyn Variola did not appreciate such bold initiative amongst <strong>the</strong> help,<br />
and ducked out of <strong>the</strong> way as his aunt jammed a food processor cutting<br />
blade in <strong>the</strong> screaming cook’s face. He hastily elected to retire from <strong>the</strong><br />
kitchen for a few minutes, as he could not abide a waste of good food—<br />
Mrs. Variola had inserted almost half a batch of freshly prepared pesto<br />
into <strong>the</strong> Guatemalan’s gushing wounds along with <strong>the</strong> razor-sharp blade.<br />
While Calder was well aware such acts of sudden and<br />
unprovoked violence were commonplace at <strong>the</strong> Variola residence, he<br />
never<strong>the</strong>less thought prudence and <strong>the</strong> state criminal code required him<br />
to bring his uncle up to speed concerning <strong>the</strong> latest atrocity committed<br />
on his property. Getting information as to his host’s whereabouts,<br />
though, proved to be tricky business indeed. Many of his fellow partygoers<br />
had already quaffed heavily of <strong>the</strong> mysterious, cloudy blue fluid in<br />
<strong>the</strong> massive crystal punch bowl on <strong>the</strong> buffet, and a large number of <strong>the</strong><br />
smartly appointed revellers were having difficulty breathing, much less<br />
responding to Calder’s urgent queries. After half an hour of dodging <strong>the</strong><br />
truly impressive streams of projectile vomiting which inevitably greeted<br />
his inquiries, Calder finally happened upon Pamela Oleander, Dr.<br />
Variola’s latest secretary. Although she too ignored him for a minute or<br />
two (intently engaged, as she was, on smashing <strong>the</strong> bevelled glass panels<br />
of a large walnut vitrine so she could begin demolishing Mrs. Variola’s<br />
collection of rare Lladro statuettes), she at last wheeled around and<br />
slurred something about “<strong>the</strong> old bastard and his two little pet bastards<br />
are in <strong>the</strong> study, getting shit-faced.” A racking cough shook <strong>the</strong> petite<br />
blonde, and as her dull ocher eyes momentarily brightened, she begged<br />
Calder to perform upon her biological acts frowned upon by adherents of<br />
most Judeo-Christian traditions. Calder gave <strong>the</strong> proposition a second’s<br />
grave consideration, but memories of Pedro’s pesto-laced injuries<br />
brought him to his senses.<br />
Calder finally found Dr. Variola standing in front of a large<br />
rolltop desk with his back to <strong>the</strong> door of his study, laboriously translating<br />
a 19th century German monograph on fetal decapitation while his two<br />
current residents, Dr. Dennis Witkop and Dr. Wu Wei Yaw, took turns<br />
urinating on a stunning bougainvillaea luxuriating beneath a sun lamp<br />
on <strong>the</strong> opposite side of <strong>the</strong> room. Calder, always <strong>the</strong> poet at heart, spent a<br />
few minutes pondering this curious tableaux and attempted to compose a<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 35
EFFORTLESSLY HITTING A VEIN<br />
sonnet commemorating <strong>the</strong> scene. He at last abandoned this whimsical<br />
exercise, as he couldn’t think of a word that rhymed with “ureter.”<br />
Calder stepped forward and tapped his godfa<strong>the</strong>r on <strong>the</strong><br />
shoulder.<br />
With his barrel chest, grizzled white beard and betel-stained<br />
lips, Dirk Variola was often mistaken for Ernest Hemingway until even<br />
<strong>the</strong> casual observer noticed his tiny eye sockets sat less than half an inch<br />
apart, separated by a crooked blade of bone. This singular physical<br />
oddity frequently frightened newer patients beyond compute, and <strong>the</strong><br />
sight occasionally unnerved Calder. As Dr.Variola wheeled about to face<br />
him, Calder reminded himself of <strong>the</strong> countless hours in his godfa<strong>the</strong>r’s<br />
office during <strong>the</strong> last fifteen years, <strong>the</strong> orthopedic wizard studiously<br />
crushing and reshaping his deformed ankles with a rock hound’s mallet.<br />
The harrowing memories steadied him, and he said, “Trouble in <strong>the</strong><br />
kitchen, Dirk.”<br />
“Oh, fuck,” Variola growled, tossing aside <strong>the</strong> sheaf of stained<br />
antique parchment. “Don’t tell me Pedro’s ruined <strong>the</strong> standing ribroast! I<br />
had to pay <strong>the</strong> cytology lab fifty dollars for that torso!” Witkop and Yaw<br />
spun around, zipping up <strong>the</strong>ir trousers. The Chinese resident whispered<br />
a high-pitched curse, having ripped apart <strong>the</strong> tender flesh of his prepuce.<br />
Calder allowed himself an evil smirk. “No, but I think <strong>the</strong><br />
Guatemalan Embassy might be filing a complaint against you in <strong>the</strong> next<br />
few days.”<br />
The doctor blanched and gasped, “Oh, dear sweet Jesus. She<br />
didn’t take <strong>the</strong> cleaver to him, did she?”<br />
“Nothing so dramatic. He will need some pretty extensive plastic<br />
surgery—as far as I could tell, Auntie Evelyn did a fair number on his<br />
nose and lips with a Cuisinart chopping knife. Is that <strong>the</strong> way she’s<br />
accustomed to dealing with <strong>the</strong> domestic staff ?”<br />
Variola chuckled and draped an athletic forearm over Calder’s<br />
shoulders. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you? Your Aunt Evelyn’s parents<br />
were missionaries in Borneo during <strong>the</strong> Japanese Occupation. When Evy<br />
was five years old, <strong>the</strong> damn Japs tossed her mom and dad in <strong>the</strong> Baleh<br />
River, tied to her dear fa<strong>the</strong>r’s pump organ. Left her in <strong>the</strong> jungle for <strong>the</strong><br />
kraits and crocodiles. Tribe of Dyaks saved her and adopted her. They<br />
were still head hunters during <strong>the</strong> Forties, y’know. By <strong>the</strong> time she saw<br />
36
KEITH BUCKLEY<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r pale-face, she’d become quite <strong>the</strong> little savage. Something of a<br />
terror with <strong>the</strong> old parang. You have children, don’t you, Calder?”<br />
Calder lowered his head and mumbled a few unintelligible<br />
words.<br />
The doctor smacked his forehead with his <strong>free</strong> hand. “Forgive<br />
me, boy. That was truly insensitive. Forgot about that nastiness with<br />
your ex-wife and <strong>the</strong> sperm bank. The judge let her take <strong>the</strong> twins with<br />
her to <strong>the</strong> state women’s prison, didn’t he?” Calder solemnly nodded.<br />
“Well, believe you me, son,” Variola said, “we could all learn a thing or<br />
two about child-rearing from your Aunt Evy. One good swing of <strong>the</strong><br />
arm, and she’s straight through a bull’s neck. You wouldn’t believe how a<br />
child will think twice about talking back or complaining that he doesn’t<br />
want to take a bath after he’s seen a few siblings’ heads go bouncing<br />
across <strong>the</strong> floor. Jesus, man! Your Auntie Evy gets hold of a machete or<br />
scy<strong>the</strong>, she’ll teach you <strong>the</strong> meaning of ‘amok’ before you can say ‘just a<br />
few inches off <strong>the</strong> top!’”<br />
“But <strong>the</strong> cook, Dirk— “ Calder said, desperately trying to<br />
refocus his godfa<strong>the</strong>r’s train of thought.<br />
“Don’t give him a second’s worry,” <strong>the</strong> doctor chuckled. “I knew<br />
how Evelyn loves to lord it over <strong>the</strong> kitchen when I hired that dolt . . .<br />
made him sign a tidy little waiver my attorney drew up. Just <strong>the</strong> same,<br />
though, maybe we’d better do a little reconnaissance.”<br />
Calder headed for <strong>the</strong> door, but his godfa<strong>the</strong>r held back to make a<br />
professional observation. “I say, Calder,” Variola murmured, “I do believe<br />
you’re limping again. Is that knee still giving you trouble?”<br />
“Knee? Knee?” Yaw chirped like some sort of trained bird.<br />
Calder grinned apologetically. “You always did know best, Dirk.<br />
Yes, I should’ve had <strong>the</strong> operation.”<br />
“What’s this about a knee?” Witkop hissed, a feral gleam<br />
brightening his swarthy face.<br />
“Partially torn anterior cruca,” Variola muttered out of <strong>the</strong><br />
corner of his mouth as he fumbled through <strong>the</strong> pockets of his tweed<br />
jacket. “Look here, Calder, I’ve got just <strong>the</strong> thing to take your mind off it,<br />
if only I could find my kit.” He rummaged through every pocket,<br />
producing only an ampule of beige liquid. “Damn me, I’ve got <strong>the</strong><br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 37
EFFORTLESSLY HITTING A VEIN<br />
solution, but I can’t locate my gear. Dennis, Wu, do ei<strong>the</strong>r of you happen<br />
to have <strong>the</strong>, ummmm, proper accoutrements?”<br />
Before Calder knew what was happening, Witkop had produced<br />
a hypodermic set, and Wu had unbuttoned his shirtsleeve, tying off his<br />
left upper arm with a cocoa Jutta Neumann belt. “This will definitely put<br />
you in <strong>the</strong> mood for your aunt’s cooking,” Variola giggled, effortlessly<br />
hitting a vein in <strong>the</strong> crook of Calder’s arm.<br />
As his godfa<strong>the</strong>r pushed <strong>the</strong> plunger to <strong>the</strong> bottom of <strong>the</strong><br />
syringe, Calder felt a soothing warm sensation, like hot raspberry syrup,<br />
seeping down his spine. “Now that is wonderful,” Calder whispered.<br />
“What <strong>the</strong> fuck was it?”<br />
Variola smiled, gently withdrawing <strong>the</strong> needle. “My own special<br />
blend,” he said. “A bit of dilaudid, a pinch of Halcyon, just <strong>the</strong> teeniest<br />
drop of belladonna, a whopping dose of THC, and a tincture of<br />
gonadotrophin from a black rhino in full rut. Perfect for this type of<br />
formal affair.”<br />
“How so?” Calder sang as <strong>the</strong> surgeon and Witkop dragged him<br />
out of <strong>the</strong> study.<br />
“Well, <strong>the</strong> dilaudid, quite plainly, is telling your brain that <strong>the</strong><br />
torn ligament in your knee isn’t worth noticing. The THC ensures that<br />
you’ll have an appetite, in spite of <strong>the</strong> syn<strong>the</strong>tic morphine, and I throw in<br />
<strong>the</strong> belladonna because I really can’t stand <strong>the</strong> way opiates mess with <strong>the</strong><br />
smooth muscles of my large intestine and gives me constipation, can<br />
you?”<br />
“Hell no,” Calder laughed as Variola steered <strong>the</strong> group in Pamela<br />
Oleander’s direction. “And why <strong>the</strong> rhino gonadotropicals?”<br />
“Gonadotrophin,” Yaw said, correcting him. “Dilaudid make<br />
major league detumescence. Rhino juice give you hard-on like aluminum<br />
baseball bat.”<br />
“How thoughtful!” Calder babbled. “Then by all means, Dirk,<br />
seat me next to your glorious secretary! You would not believe what she<br />
asked me to do!”<br />
“She did, eh?” Variola said. The four men had halted among a<br />
dense patch of fallen guests, and <strong>the</strong> doctor watched his secretary as she<br />
methodically destroyed <strong>the</strong> contents of <strong>the</strong> vitrine.<br />
38
KEITH BUCKLEY<br />
Calder tried to nod, but his head flopped from side to side instead<br />
of up and down. “Couldn’t figure out why she’d need me to do that,” he<br />
said.<br />
“Oh, it entertains <strong>the</strong> ponies. Keeps <strong>the</strong>m from fleeing <strong>the</strong> rancid<br />
stench,” Variola replied.<br />
“I wouldn’t run away,” Calder eagerly admitted.<br />
The doctor grimaced. “Then you haven’t had <strong>the</strong> pleasure of<br />
tasting Miss Oleander’s dubious charms,” he said. “One of <strong>the</strong> most<br />
vicious and, ahem, obnoxious cases of fungal vulvovaginitis I’ve ever met.<br />
The horses run screaming into <strong>the</strong> night, believe me, if she doesn’t have<br />
an assistant to distract <strong>the</strong>m.” He glanced at his residents. “Speaking of<br />
assistants, gentlemen, could you hold up my dear nephew here while I<br />
take care of some pressing business?”<br />
Variola <strong>free</strong>d himself of his godson and marched towards Miss<br />
Oleander, who was just picking up a small figurine of a girl standing<br />
beside a well. “Not that one, Pamela,” he snarled. “It belonged to my<br />
mo<strong>the</strong>r.”<br />
The intoxicated blonde swivelled to sneer at her employer, <strong>the</strong>n<br />
hurled <strong>the</strong> fragile ceramic heirloom against <strong>the</strong> wall.<br />
“This will not do,” Variola grumbled. The doctor pulled a pair of<br />
Felco pruning sheers out of his breast pocket, grabbed <strong>the</strong> woman’s right<br />
hand and began snipping off her fingers.<br />
“In case you wanted to know,” Witkop told Calder, whose lower<br />
jaw had fallen to his sternum, “Doc puts <strong>the</strong> Halcyon in his little cocktail<br />
so you’ll forget anything your brain can’t deal with.”<br />
Only <strong>the</strong>n did Calder find <strong>the</strong> ability to nod, and said something<br />
he hoped sounded like, “Good job!”<br />
By <strong>the</strong> time he’d finished removing all five digits from his<br />
secretary’s right hand, Variola was spattered with gore. He allowed Miss<br />
Oleander to sink to <strong>the</strong> floor, and returned to his residents and godson.<br />
Mopping <strong>the</strong> larger gouts of blood off his tweed jacket with a<br />
handkerchief, he casually said, “Wu, she really isn’t any use to me as a<br />
typist now, so if you could send her along?” Dr. Yaw smiled brightly, and<br />
let <strong>the</strong> surgeon take his place under Calder’s left arm.<br />
“Yaw’s <strong>the</strong> best I’ve ever seen!” Variola proudly told Calder.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 39
EFFORTLESSLY HITTING A VEIN<br />
The Chinese resident walked past Miss Oleander, who was now<br />
kneeling on <strong>the</strong> floor, loudly mourning <strong>the</strong> loss of her fingers. Yaw<br />
searched through <strong>the</strong> wreckage of <strong>the</strong> vitrine. In a matter of seconds,<br />
he’d found what he was looking for— a long, slim shard of glass. Tearing<br />
a piece of cloth from <strong>the</strong> dress of one of <strong>the</strong> many unconscious females<br />
spread across Variola’s living room, Yaw wrapped his makeshift<br />
handguard around <strong>the</strong> jagged sliver. Quick as a wink, he grabbed Miss<br />
Oleander’s head, pushed it forward, shoved <strong>the</strong> glass spike up under <strong>the</strong><br />
base of her skull and twisted it three times.<br />
“Isn’t he amazing?!” Dirk exclaimed to his awestruck godson.<br />
“I’ve seen Wu pith terminal cancer patients literally twice his size! Just a<br />
word of advice,” <strong>the</strong> doctor added as <strong>the</strong> quartet entered <strong>the</strong> dining<br />
room. “Don’t let <strong>the</strong> little devil get behind your back with an icepick or a<br />
screwdriver! Now <strong>the</strong>n, where’s <strong>the</strong> damn ribroast, eh?”<br />
40
Pills<br />
By Kurt Eisenlohr<br />
I’ve long had a fondness for pills. It started in high school. It was real<br />
easy to get pharmaceutical speed back <strong>the</strong>n, back <strong>the</strong>n meaning nineteen<br />
seventy-eight. There were <strong>the</strong>se older guys who sold <strong>the</strong>m by <strong>the</strong><br />
football field; yellow jackets and black beauties, for <strong>the</strong> most part. But<br />
<strong>the</strong>y often had valium, and I liked those better. They calmed me. They<br />
calmed me so much that first hour math class seemed interesting. I’d<br />
glaze over like some feeble-eyed savant and <strong>the</strong> hour would pass before I<br />
was even aware of it having begun. You could buy three valiums for a<br />
dollar, and for <strong>the</strong> next few years, that’s where my lunch money went. I<br />
graduated high school and pretty much forgot about pills, aside from <strong>the</strong><br />
occasional handful of Quaaludes while drinking. I never went to college.<br />
When I was nineteen, I started seeing a shrink--and that’s when<br />
all hell broke loose. I could get just about anything I wanted from this<br />
guy, and after eight years in his care, I was a walking pharmaceutical<br />
wreck. I got off that shit, after much difficulty, and swore I’d never touch<br />
<strong>the</strong> stuff again.<br />
And for <strong>the</strong> next seven years, I didn’t...<br />
It was work related.<br />
There was this guy, a regular, his name was Marcus. He had a<br />
wife and three kids and a nice little house in a nice little neighborhood<br />
near <strong>the</strong> bar where I worked. He was only in his early forties but he had a<br />
bad back, some slipped disks and an arthritic spine, and it fucked with<br />
him pain-wise and every o<strong>the</strong>r way, so he was on disability and trying to<br />
be a stay at home dad and a husband and a fledgling songwriter and a full<br />
blown prescription drug addict as best he could. His kids were all in<br />
school and his wife worked a lot, so he was often at <strong>the</strong> bar, scribbling in<br />
his not<strong>ebook</strong>s and nursing a beer. His standard uniform was a cowboy<br />
hat, Hawaiian-print shirts, shorts, and a pair of mirrored sunglasses<br />
worn at all times.<br />
“I put something special in your jar,” he told me one night.<br />
The place was just about empty so I reached into <strong>the</strong> tip jar to<br />
see what he’d left. I figured it was joint; he was often generous that way. I<br />
pulled out a wadded up piece of toilet paper.<br />
“Thanks a lot,” I told him, but he was already out <strong>the</strong> door. I<br />
unfolded <strong>the</strong> wad of toilet paper and found four blue pills inside, tiny<br />
things, along with a wee bit of not<strong>ebook</strong> paper with <strong>the</strong> word MILK<br />
written on it.<br />
42
KURT EISENLOHR<br />
MILK?<br />
I took one with a glass of wine. I took a shower and fed <strong>the</strong> cats.<br />
I started to feel good. Then I started to feel very good. Then I began<br />
digging around <strong>the</strong> apartment for my copy of The Complete Guide to<br />
Prescription and Non-Prescription Drugs, H. Winter Griffith, M.D.<br />
1995 Edition. The book had a section full of color photographs and I<br />
soon found a match.<br />
Dilaudid--See NARCOTIC ANALGESICS 592.<br />
I remembered reading a biography on Lenny Bruce. Somewhere<br />
in <strong>the</strong>re he was quoted as saying that taking Dilaudid felt like “a<br />
sunflower opening up in my belly.” I don’t know about sunflowers, but it<br />
did feel good. It made me feel like butter, loose, happy butter.<br />
What drug does:<br />
*Blocks pain messages to brain and spinal cord.<br />
*Reduces sensitivity of brain’s cough control center.<br />
Time lapse before drug works:<br />
30 minutes.<br />
Don’t take with:<br />
Any o<strong>the</strong>r medicine without consulting your doctor or<br />
pharmacist.<br />
I had ano<strong>the</strong>r glass of wine. Then I ga<strong>the</strong>red my keys and some<br />
change for <strong>the</strong> bus. The Brian Jonestown Massacre was playing at<br />
Satyricon that night, and I wanted to take some pictures with <strong>the</strong> new<br />
camera I’d recently gotten in trade for a painting I had made years prior.<br />
Taking pictures was going to be my new thing. I needed a hobby. On <strong>the</strong><br />
bus, I took ano<strong>the</strong>r Dilaudid. The driver saw me do it. I raised my<br />
camera and took his picture.<br />
“Take my picture again and you’ll be walking,” he said.<br />
The next day, I dropped my film off at a one-hour photo place on<br />
Northwest Burnside. I went into a nearby bar to wait. I had two or three<br />
drinks while staring into space. I put a dollar into <strong>the</strong> jukebox and<br />
listened to some Lee Hazelwood and some Motorhead. Then I went and<br />
picked up my photos and headed back to <strong>the</strong> bar to look at <strong>the</strong>m. They<br />
were pretty good, but I couldn’t remember taking most of <strong>the</strong>m. When<br />
did I climb up onto <strong>the</strong> stage? I kept flipping through <strong>the</strong>m. Some of<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 43
PILLS<br />
<strong>the</strong>m were great, shot from slightly above and directly behind <strong>the</strong> band.<br />
You could see <strong>the</strong> hair and <strong>the</strong> sweat of <strong>the</strong> band members and <strong>the</strong><br />
twisted, blissed out faces of <strong>the</strong> crowd. I kept flipping. I came to a shot of<br />
a drunken looking girl with blue hair and black lipstick posing on an<br />
unmade bed. She had her top off. I had never seen her or <strong>the</strong> bed before. I<br />
ordered ano<strong>the</strong>r drink. The place was dead. It was just me and <strong>the</strong><br />
bartender and <strong>the</strong> stale afternoon air and <strong>the</strong> nicotine stained<br />
everything. I played some more music.<br />
I kept staring at <strong>the</strong> topless girl with <strong>the</strong> blue hair and black<br />
lipstick. She wasn’t bad looking at all. She had pale blue eyes that<br />
matched her hair, big pink nipples, and a sexy smile. I wondered if<br />
someone else’s pictures had gotten mixed in with mine. The bartender<br />
turned up <strong>the</strong> volume on <strong>the</strong> jukebox. “Some velvet morning when I’m<br />
straight,” Lee Hazelwood sang. I felt kind of weird, like a panic-attack<br />
was on <strong>the</strong> way. I lit a cigarette and killed my drink, <strong>the</strong>n got ano<strong>the</strong>r<br />
one. An old bag lady walked in and sat down on <strong>the</strong> stool next to mine.<br />
She ordered a can of Hamm’s. The bartender gave it to her and she payed<br />
him in dimes and nickels and pennies which she pulled one by one from<br />
from a little rubber change purse. The topless girl was still sitting out in<br />
front of me on <strong>the</strong> bar.<br />
“Cute picture,” <strong>the</strong> old lady said. “Is she your sweetie?”<br />
“No,” I told her. “I don’t know who that’s a picture of.”<br />
“I have some pictures. Would you like to see <strong>the</strong>m?” She had a<br />
giant ragdoll looking white wig tied to her head with a rope. It went<br />
right over <strong>the</strong> top of <strong>the</strong> wig and <strong>the</strong> ends were knotted toge<strong>the</strong>r beneath<br />
her chin.<br />
“Sure,” I said.<br />
She pulled a stack of dog-eared photos from one of her plastic<br />
bags and spread <strong>the</strong>m out over <strong>the</strong> bar--a dozen or so shots of a naked<br />
brunette dancing around a 1950s livingroom, full bush, in black and<br />
white.<br />
“That’s me,” she said, “before I got old and ugly.”<br />
“Christ, you look like Betty Paige.”<br />
“I looked better than Betty Paige.”<br />
The bartender walked over and took a look. “It’s true,” he said.<br />
“Goddamn right,” <strong>the</strong> old lady told him.<br />
44
KURT EISENLOHR<br />
“Goddamn right,” I said. “Barkeep, I’d like to buy Betty Paige<br />
here a drink.”<br />
“I’ll have a vodka and soda,” she told him.<br />
We toasted <strong>the</strong> air, nothing in particular.<br />
“My name is Vera,” she said.<br />
“Nice to meet you, Vera.”<br />
I tucked <strong>the</strong> blue haired girl into my pocket along with <strong>the</strong> rest<br />
of my photos. I wondered who she was. I wondered who I was.<br />
I knew who <strong>the</strong> bag lady was. Her name was Vera, and she had<br />
once looked like Betty Paige.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 45
PILLS<br />
46
Here For This<br />
By Joshua Citrak<br />
“Congratulations, you’ve successfully worked <strong>the</strong> system,” I was told, as I<br />
came up next in line, about to say, ‘present’ and get a paper pillow.<br />
There was a green star by my name written on <strong>the</strong> dry erase<br />
board at <strong>the</strong> door. Hobbs drew a fat line through it and <strong>the</strong>n, carefully<br />
with his index finger, rubbed it out.<br />
“Your ride is right over <strong>the</strong>re,” he said, pointing to a dented<br />
Mobile Assistance van and to a driver who was angrily asleep.<br />
Hobbs grabbed me by my elbow.<br />
“You see where I’m pointing? Right <strong>the</strong>re.”<br />
I shouldered my duffle bag and crossed <strong>the</strong> street.<br />
“Ok,” I heard Hobbs say, flipping open his clipboard and<br />
addressing a bunch of drunks blown over onto <strong>the</strong> sidewalk from <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
own velocity. “We just got ourselves ano<strong>the</strong>r success story. There he<br />
goes onto a new and hopefully productive life. Who’s next? I need to see<br />
a voucher or a twenty dollar bill for his bed. It’s a lucky bed, I’m telling<br />
you guys <strong>the</strong> god’s honest truth. Hey, hey you… put your pants back on.”<br />
It was one of those fifteen passenger vans, but it was empty<br />
except for <strong>the</strong> driver. He wore those big giant sunglasses that covered<br />
half his cheeks and eyebrows, carried his keys on a monogrammed<br />
shoelace tied around his neck. I tapped on <strong>the</strong> window to wake him up.<br />
“Well, it’s not like I got anything else to do,” <strong>the</strong> driver said to<br />
me, sliding himself upright in <strong>the</strong> seat and reaching around to unlock <strong>the</strong><br />
sliding door. “I mean, I am getting paid, ha, yeah, that is, you know, I just<br />
hold <strong>the</strong> money for my baby’s momma.”<br />
I sat all <strong>the</strong> way in back. The driver started <strong>the</strong> van and drove us<br />
to building four of <strong>the</strong> Cecil Williams Housing Project.<br />
“I gotta run in for a sec,” he said, jerking <strong>the</strong> front tire onto <strong>the</strong><br />
sidewalk. “Lie down ‘cross <strong>the</strong> seat in case my supervisor drives by.”<br />
The van was upholstered like a child’s car seat or something that<br />
could easily be hosed off after being pissed or puked on. The floor was<br />
worn, corrugated sheet metal, <strong>the</strong> ceiling was black foam rubber picked<br />
and scratched with <strong>the</strong> names of men who had nothing left but <strong>the</strong>ir own<br />
devices. There were no handles or latches or interior dome lights that<br />
could be screw-drivered off and sold on <strong>the</strong> street. It was empty and<br />
48
JOSHUA CITRAK<br />
institutionalized, like those of us whose charge it was to shuttle from<br />
street to hospital to shelter to halfway house.<br />
I was glad to be on <strong>the</strong> final leg. Sayonara to <strong>the</strong> Civic Center<br />
Drop-In, where I loitered through a period of three foggy months until<br />
eight o’clock each night. At eight, Hobbs and his band of pa<strong>the</strong>tic social<br />
workers would open <strong>the</strong> doors to <strong>the</strong> shelter, dish out <strong>the</strong> cots and fold us<br />
into a hot meal. Meal? Fuck. Hot was about all you could say. We were<br />
supposed to get counseling during <strong>the</strong> day, but those of us who weren’t<br />
crippled by lack of a hit or a drink ran errands for Hobbs and his<br />
underlings, who spent most of <strong>the</strong>ir time with <strong>the</strong>ir feet propped up onto<br />
something, watching TV and sipping pep drinks from shiny cans.<br />
I knew <strong>the</strong> Chinese bookies. Where to get <strong>the</strong> best corned beef<br />
sandwich. I was useful, which is why it took nearly three months to get<br />
transferred to a real home. I had to train my replacement, Indian Bob,<br />
who wasn’t an Indian at all. He was Mongolian, I think. He had long, jet<br />
black straight hair and wore lots of beads, which he used to pay for half<br />
pints at Punjabi’s Liquor Store, because <strong>the</strong>y were real Indians.<br />
“You do good and sometimes <strong>the</strong>y tip you a dollar,” I told Bob,<br />
coming back from Yu’s. “Many wampum’s.”<br />
“The only thing you get by working for <strong>the</strong> white man is fucked,<br />
man,” he replied.<br />
Now, <strong>the</strong> driver was back, yelling some promises up to a window<br />
and we took off again.<br />
“You know <strong>the</strong>y have <strong>the</strong>m tracking devices installed on <strong>the</strong>se<br />
things?” he said.<br />
I sat upright and didn’t reply. We went West, past <strong>the</strong> Freedom<br />
Projects and <strong>the</strong> Lilia Mae Housing Units going on towards <strong>the</strong> real<br />
neighborhoods, where <strong>the</strong>y claimed life wasn’t such a self-defeating<br />
struggle.<br />
“We can stop at some store,” <strong>the</strong> driver said. “You maybe need to<br />
get some things. Toothbrush. Maybe some soap. I dunno. Something.”<br />
I told him I could use some cigarettes.<br />
“Nope,” he said, shaking his head in <strong>the</strong> rear view mirror. “It’s a<br />
law. I can’t let you smoke in <strong>the</strong> van.”<br />
“But this van fucking stinks, man,” I said. “Why not?”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 49
HERE FOR THIS<br />
With his index finger, he flicked a pine tree shaped airfreshener<br />
hanging on a stereo knob.<br />
“How ‘bout now?”<br />
“I’ve waited three months for this,” I said.<br />
“Don’t worry,” he said. “There’ll be plenty more things to wait<br />
for.”<br />
Nearing <strong>the</strong> University, we pulled into <strong>the</strong> driveway of a<br />
Victorian or Edwardian, whichever looks like a tiny castle. In <strong>the</strong> top of<br />
<strong>the</strong> spire a window was open and a tiny lady, who looked nothing like a<br />
princess, peered down at us.<br />
“This is it,” he said, offering up <strong>the</strong> shifter to park.<br />
We were met by my caseworker, Sharon Meadows, a woman who<br />
thought socks and sandals were a good match. I closed <strong>the</strong> sliding door<br />
and held onto my bag with both hands.<br />
“Looks like we’ve got an even swap,” she said, wearying of an<br />
enormous guy squatting on <strong>the</strong> front stairs.<br />
The guy was on <strong>the</strong> stairs looking sullen, twisting and knotting<br />
up a sweatshirt in his giant hands. Next to him was a paper grocery bag<br />
packed with all his shit. The handles were ripped off, so when he held it,<br />
he had to hug it to his chest because even comfort can be cheap<br />
nowadays.<br />
They asked him to get in <strong>the</strong> van.<br />
“I called you people like an hour ago,” McKinney, ano<strong>the</strong>r<br />
caseworker, said to <strong>the</strong> driver. “Where’ve you been?”<br />
The driver shrugged and glanced at me.<br />
“I dunno man, I was waiting, you know. I gotta finish one thing<br />
before I start ano<strong>the</strong>r.”<br />
The man on <strong>the</strong> stairs stretched out and played dead.<br />
“I coudda been <strong>the</strong> first in my family to go to college,” he said.<br />
The driver of <strong>the</strong> van and McKinney hoisted <strong>the</strong> big man like an<br />
really long stretcher and tried to fold him into <strong>the</strong> front seat as if he were<br />
an oversized blanket, but he was too heavy and his shoes kept popping<br />
off.<br />
Ms. Meadows ran in circles, directing <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
50
JOSHUA CITRAK<br />
“Watch his head! His head!”<br />
McKinney and <strong>the</strong> driver huffed and strained, but still couldn’t<br />
get him in <strong>the</strong> van.<br />
Suddenly, I heard,<br />
“Admit you are powerless!” yelled down from <strong>the</strong> top floor. The<br />
little woman asserted half her body out <strong>the</strong> slid open window and tried<br />
to spit, but it was carried away by <strong>the</strong> wind. “You’re a slave to yourself<br />
and a brutal master!”<br />
The driver of <strong>the</strong> van and McKinney became exasperated. They<br />
dropped <strong>the</strong> enormous man on <strong>the</strong> sidewalk and walked in circles with<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir hands on <strong>the</strong>ir hips.<br />
“I’ll show you this!” <strong>the</strong> man screamed, coming to his knees,<br />
throwing wild haymakers toward heaven. “Get me some shoes. I can’t<br />
run anywhere with just one sock on my feets!”<br />
“He’s not riding anywhere in my van! Hell no! I only carry<br />
mace,” <strong>the</strong> driver said.<br />
“Well, watch him, make sure he doesn’t go anywhere,” McKinney<br />
said, going back into <strong>the</strong> house. “I only got one of his shoes.”<br />
“He can do whatever he wants. I ain’t fuckin’ with him.”<br />
Ms. Meadows suggested that we also go inside. We took <strong>the</strong><br />
middle door that led up to <strong>the</strong> middle floor.<br />
“Who was that?” I asked.<br />
“I’m not sure,” she said. “I’m carrying a full load as it is. Just<br />
obey <strong>the</strong> rules and you won’t end up like him. Top of <strong>the</strong> stairs, first<br />
doorway to your right. I forgot your file out in <strong>the</strong> car.”<br />
I supposed that dude was my roommate, but he was being put<br />
into a cop car now. I opened <strong>the</strong> right door to a bedroom that had three<br />
beds, one all made up with clean sheets. A real bed. It was nice. I lay<br />
down on it, clasped my hands behind my head and crossed my legs. I<br />
brea<strong>the</strong>d in <strong>the</strong> flowery scent of <strong>the</strong> sheets, looked out <strong>the</strong> window and all<br />
I could see was <strong>the</strong> curve of <strong>the</strong> sky. I relaxed a little, for <strong>the</strong> first time in<br />
years. It was nice.<br />
There was a quiet knocking on my door as it was opened. Ms.<br />
Meadows came in with McKinney. I could hear people talking out in <strong>the</strong><br />
hallway. New guy, <strong>the</strong>y said. Fresh from Civic Center. Five days max.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 51
HERE FOR THIS<br />
She closed <strong>the</strong> door, handed me a copy of <strong>the</strong> ‘house rules’<br />
handbook and ran down its finer points. McKinney just stood <strong>the</strong>re with<br />
his arms crossed.<br />
“We realize <strong>the</strong>re’s an adjustment period,” she began. “But here’s<br />
<strong>the</strong> thing- this is only a twenty-eight day program.”<br />
I knew what she was getting at. Because this wasn’t a sleazy<br />
homeless shelter downtown. This was a real house in a real<br />
neighborhood populated by normal people who expected normal things<br />
at normal hours of <strong>the</strong> day. But normal is just a gratuitous label, because<br />
people don’t understand what <strong>the</strong>y’re striving for. Ok, yeah, I wasn’t<br />
stupid. I knew that she meant if I had to piss I couldn’t do it on<br />
someone’s doorstep.<br />
“There’s always someone on duty,” she said. “For any crisis. Off<br />
hours try to keep it minor, though. Remember that <strong>the</strong>y’re only grad<br />
students.”<br />
“Uh huh,” I said. “I can do that. I practically helped raise my<br />
baby sister.”<br />
“Ok, great, so you know what I mean.”<br />
We weren’t <strong>free</strong> to come and go, she continued. But we could<br />
come and go as often as we liked, as long as it didn’t interfere with group<br />
meetings or mealtimes and as long as we checked in and set a timetable<br />
for our return. But after curfew, which was nine, <strong>the</strong>re weren’t any<br />
exceptions.<br />
She handed me a paper bag that rattled.<br />
“These are for you. From Doctor… who did you see?”<br />
“I know how to swallow,” I said.<br />
“It’s part of <strong>the</strong> program,” she said, slipping a paper stuffed day<br />
planner from her bag.<br />
“I know, I know,” I said, looking both of <strong>the</strong>m in <strong>the</strong> eye. “I’m<br />
here for that. They told me. Everyone told me.”<br />
“Well <strong>the</strong>n,” she said, itching her toe.<br />
There were a lot of rules here. They weren’t halfway about<br />
anything. I thumbed through <strong>the</strong> pages of <strong>the</strong> handbook. Once you were<br />
here long enough, <strong>the</strong>y let you out and gave you a handshake and that<br />
was what I was going for. No way was I going back to <strong>the</strong> streets. At <strong>the</strong><br />
52
JOSHUA CITRAK<br />
shelter <strong>the</strong>y threw out my sleeping bag and blankets because <strong>the</strong>y had<br />
bugs.<br />
“Ok,” I said, nodding over across <strong>the</strong> room to <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r made<br />
bed. On it were folded clo<strong>the</strong>s arranged neatly by color. “Who’s <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
guy?”<br />
“McKinney will tell you everything else you need to know,” Ms.<br />
Meadows said, threateningly.<br />
She stood up to leave piling her papers and folders and bags in<br />
her arms like a kindergarten teacher I had once who taught me how to<br />
draw turkeys by tracing my hand.<br />
“Look, we’re not about God here,” McKinney began. “Not using<br />
that name, anyway. Whatever you want to call Him or Her or It is fine<br />
with us. In <strong>the</strong> manual it says, ‘Higher Power’, I think that’s pretty<br />
unobtrusive and definitely open to any interpretation you may give it.<br />
Although, It isn’t a dog or a sandwich or anything like that. Think<br />
greater and more omnipotent than yourself.”<br />
McKinney had a degree from somewhere, but he use to be just<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r junkie. In school <strong>the</strong>y taught him about guilt and god and no<br />
matter how far we run from it or him, we can be redeemed by an about<br />
face and twelve steps. The grad students just crawled out onto <strong>the</strong> fire<br />
escape smoking cigarettes and talking on <strong>the</strong>ir cell phones. They knew<br />
<strong>the</strong>re was nothing <strong>the</strong>y could do for us. But <strong>the</strong>re was a light in<br />
McKinney. A hope fueled by <strong>the</strong> things he must have done when he was<br />
using and his desire to ultimately shed <strong>the</strong>m from his memory.<br />
“The clocks are running late on <strong>the</strong> first floor,” McKinney said,<br />
holding open <strong>the</strong> door in such a way that I understood I was supposed to<br />
walk through it.<br />
After dinner, I stood out in <strong>the</strong> backyard waiting for someone<br />
to come out and light up a cigarette. I was hoping to bum one.<br />
There was a tall fence enclosing <strong>the</strong> tiny yard that looked as if it had<br />
been erected over <strong>the</strong> course of two or three generations. Some of <strong>the</strong><br />
wood was fairly new, o<strong>the</strong>r parts of <strong>the</strong> fence had been chipped and<br />
repainted various shades of white. One supporting beam was at an odd<br />
angle, so I pulled on it, but it seemed set in its ways. I bent down on my<br />
knees to examine a six inch square notch cut out of <strong>the</strong> bottom of one of<br />
<strong>the</strong> boards and wondered if it was for a cat that no longer lived here. The<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 53
HERE FOR THIS<br />
next yard over was much larger and better taken care of, that was for<br />
sure.<br />
“Whatcha lookin’ at?”<br />
I looked up to <strong>the</strong> third floor balcony. It was <strong>the</strong> woman I’d seen<br />
hanging out <strong>the</strong> window earlier in <strong>the</strong> evening. She claimed her name<br />
was Janie.<br />
“I was looking to bum a cigarette,” I said.<br />
“From who? A ground hog?” she laughed, which brought on a<br />
terrific coughing fit. She leaned over and spit a translucent gob that<br />
caught <strong>the</strong> wind and sailed like those baby spiders do when leaving <strong>the</strong><br />
nest.<br />
She was unattractive, missing teeth, a black eye. Her frizzy hair<br />
was pulled up tight to <strong>the</strong> top of her head.<br />
“I quit,” Janie said. “Everything. They made me. I’m pregnant.”<br />
“Oh,” I said.<br />
She jabbed her belly. “We live in California. They’ve got laws<br />
against this type of thing.”<br />
Janie turned off <strong>the</strong> outside light, went back inside and said,<br />
“Now all I have to do is find its damn fa<strong>the</strong>r.”<br />
In my room, Marlon, my roommate, was already in bed. He was<br />
a sweaty, middle aged guy who came across as someone you needed to be<br />
cruel to.<br />
“This is a great place, you’re lucky,” Marlon said, watching me<br />
undress, <strong>the</strong> covers pulled up to his chin. “They could’ve sent you to that<br />
farm up in Sonoma. I heard that’s <strong>the</strong> equivalent of hell.”<br />
McKinney popped in and slapped <strong>the</strong> lights off. I crawled into<br />
bed. It was <strong>the</strong>n that I realized how tired I was.<br />
“Everyone’s real cool here. They make it easy for you. I mean,<br />
look at me. I was <strong>the</strong> hardest case <strong>the</strong>re was. Hard core. Nothing could<br />
make me quit.”<br />
I shifted onto my stomach.<br />
“And now? I’m feeling better than I’ve felt in years. Amazing, not<br />
that I want to milk cows or anything,” he said through <strong>the</strong> darkness,<br />
unable to care whe<strong>the</strong>r I was asleep or awake.<br />
54
JOSHUA CITRAK<br />
“I’m on this new medication, Remeron. It’s basically a tetracyclic<br />
anti-depressant with a little histamine thrown in to help me sleep. My<br />
mo<strong>the</strong>r died twelve years ago and I’ve been a mess since <strong>the</strong>n. But I owe<br />
a lot to McKinney. He showed me how I’d been carrying that around<br />
with me for all <strong>the</strong>se years. He taught me how to grieve.”<br />
“There’re chicks here,” I said.<br />
“You better forget about that. Rule Eight. All <strong>the</strong> rules are for<br />
our own good. The women live upstairs, besides. You only see <strong>the</strong>m<br />
during group or o<strong>the</strong>r supervised activities. My advice is just to<br />
concentrate on yourself. Once you get better and clean, <strong>the</strong>re’ll be<br />
someone here to tell you so.”<br />
“If you say so.”<br />
“It’s in <strong>the</strong> Steps,” he said.<br />
We said nothing for awhile, but I couldn’t fall asleep. It was too<br />
still, too quiet. I could hear no sounds of traffic, or street noise, no<br />
whispering or snoring of men lined a hundred to a room in cots too small<br />
to turn over in. I could sense Marlon in <strong>the</strong> night. It made me uneasy to<br />
be in this small room, alone, with him, with <strong>the</strong> door closed. I wondered<br />
what he was doing over <strong>the</strong>re. What a man like him, over fifty, balding,<br />
<strong>the</strong> very picture of a loser among losers, dreamt about on such a timid<br />
night.<br />
Suddenly, Marlon groaned, shot up out of bed and hurried down<br />
<strong>the</strong> hall and out to <strong>the</strong> back yard.<br />
“Oh, god,” he cried and began violently dry heaving. He coughed<br />
and gagged, straining to calm himself.<br />
Soon, he was attended to by one of <strong>the</strong> grad students asking if he<br />
was ok.<br />
“You’re going through <strong>the</strong> toughest part,” I heard <strong>the</strong> student<br />
say, as if he knew, as if he could say it was going to get better.<br />
Next morning I was woken at seven. I showered and sat down to<br />
breakfast with <strong>the</strong> rest of <strong>the</strong> group. After breakfast, I participated in my<br />
first group meeting in which, encircled, we followed each o<strong>the</strong>r in<br />
clockwise fashion with our stories, our weeping lists of self-inflicted<br />
atrocities. After group was individual counseling and lists of chores to be<br />
done. Our daily routine was organized down to <strong>the</strong> minute.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 55
HERE FOR THIS<br />
“I think I’m going to get along here,” I said, hand drying a stack<br />
of plates. “I’m feeling glad to be here today.”<br />
“You don’t have to ass kiss,” Janie told me, handing me cups.<br />
“This isn’t group.”<br />
“I mean it,” I said. “For <strong>the</strong> longest time I’ve felt like I wasn’t<br />
concerned with what happened to me after I woke up each day. I worked<br />
my ass off to get here. Now I’m going to make <strong>the</strong> best of what I’ve got<br />
left.”<br />
“I’ve got some bright idea’s of my own,” Janie said.<br />
“I’ve been in and out of shelters for three years. I’m really glad to<br />
be here. The food is better too.”<br />
“Hmm,” Marlon said, wrinkling his chin. “It’s donated.”<br />
“I’m not gonna gush about opportunity,” Janie told me. “Because<br />
to me, this is just ano<strong>the</strong>r state sponsored stop on my route through life.<br />
They owed me something, but put me on Antabuse and Welbutrin<br />
instead. So here I am.”<br />
After <strong>the</strong> next group, we had some <strong>free</strong> time. A bunch of people<br />
were going walking out in Golden Gate Park. Janie asked me if I wanted<br />
to go.<br />
I liked Janie and sympathized with her cynicism, so I said, sure.<br />
We left <strong>the</strong> house and had to go slow. Janie had asthma and<br />
walked all hunched and bent over like she was used to going down for<br />
<strong>the</strong> things she needed. They call women who use <strong>the</strong>mselves like credit<br />
cards whores. But that wasn’t all it. There was a beginning somewhere.<br />
Janie probably didn’t drink enough milk as a kid ei<strong>the</strong>r, but right now,<br />
childhood was <strong>the</strong> least of our problems.<br />
Once we got into <strong>the</strong> park, our ragtag group split up and went<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir separate ways, some house members wanted to go see <strong>the</strong> buffaloes,<br />
o<strong>the</strong>rs to <strong>the</strong> reflecting pool. McKinney admonished us to be back at <strong>the</strong><br />
house in an hour.<br />
It was evening and <strong>the</strong> fog was rolling in. I gave Janie my coat<br />
and let her lead. We traveled in a slow arc away from <strong>the</strong> vicinity of <strong>the</strong><br />
rest of <strong>the</strong> group, past <strong>the</strong> lush lawn bowling courts and an acre of empty<br />
jungle gyms until we came to <strong>the</strong> end of <strong>the</strong> park at <strong>the</strong> mouth of Haight<br />
Street.<br />
56
JOSHUA CITRAK<br />
“How did we end up here?” I asked. This was <strong>the</strong> first time I’d<br />
really ever been to Golden Gate Park.<br />
“Hey, you know, I got this friend,” she said. “Sometimes he hangs<br />
out just down <strong>the</strong> Haight a little ways. I’d really love to go and say hi to<br />
him.”<br />
“Shouldn’t we be getting back?” I asked.<br />
“Well, how ‘bout down to <strong>the</strong> store and back? Don’t you still<br />
need cigarettes? You shouldn’t have to quit everything at once.”<br />
“Yeah, ok, I’m not wearing a watch, but,” I laughed, nervously.<br />
“It’s only my second day.”<br />
“Just to <strong>the</strong>re.”<br />
Janie paid for my smokes and put two behind her ears. We left<br />
<strong>the</strong> store and she continued walking down <strong>the</strong> street, away from <strong>the</strong><br />
park.<br />
“Hey,” I said. “I didn’t sign up for this.”<br />
“Admit you’re powerless,” she said.<br />
“I got that. From last night.”<br />
“Say it,” she said, taking my hand.<br />
“Ok, yeah. I’m powerless. Step one.”<br />
Janie dropped my hand and looked longingly down <strong>the</strong> street. I<br />
knew what was going to happen next and I was glad that it wasn’t<br />
happening to me. Across <strong>the</strong> road, in front of a used clothing store, a<br />
dreadlocked hippie kid stood up onto a garbage can and began singing<br />
earnestly at <strong>the</strong> top of his lungs,<br />
“Jane says, I’m done with Sergio. He treats me like a rag doll…<br />
but if he comes back again, tell him to wait right here for me, oh, I’ll try<br />
again tomorrow.”<br />
A bus drove up and stopped. Some short Mexicans in colorful<br />
ball caps looked down at us. A few young people got off, strapping <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
burdens to <strong>the</strong>ir backs and hauling <strong>the</strong>m into <strong>the</strong> evening.<br />
“Yeah,” she said, watching youth walk away from her for what I<br />
supposed wasn’t <strong>the</strong> first time. “So am I… powerless… I gotta find my<br />
friend.”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 57
HERE FOR THIS<br />
Later that night, I was afraid and in my room clutching <strong>the</strong><br />
house rules book, reading aloud so that my room would be filled up with<br />
all <strong>the</strong> rules in <strong>the</strong> world that were for my own good. Forever I would<br />
carry <strong>the</strong>m with me, with my new feelings of peace and helplessness, so<br />
that if I saw Janie again, I could pluck those words right out of <strong>the</strong> air<br />
and hand <strong>the</strong>m to her.<br />
Out in <strong>the</strong> driveway, a man slept in a dented Mobile Assistance<br />
van and <strong>the</strong>re was a paper bag packed on <strong>the</strong> stairs waiting to be taken<br />
away from here.<br />
58
Bright Guilty World<br />
By John Sheppard<br />
As a child, I was a typical, overfed, pasty and underexercised american<br />
with a lower-case “a,” with little interest in anything beyond <strong>the</strong> tip of<br />
my nose. The Army, with a capital “A,” remade me using its not-so-subtle<br />
methods.<br />
Standing in my new attic home that I’d only just rented hours<br />
before, fresh home to <strong>the</strong> world, peering into an oval, full-length mirror,<br />
I saw a scarred beanpole with eyes that could bore a hole through a plate<br />
of depleted uranium. “Get right, soldier,” I told <strong>the</strong> reflection. He glared<br />
back at me with scorn—Civilian.<br />
Some of those little scars in my face came from my old battalion<br />
XO, a major who’d snapped at us “troopers” out of <strong>the</strong> side of his mouth<br />
like an old-timey movie gangster. He’d told us not to pick up anything<br />
that looked out of <strong>the</strong> ordinary maybe an hour or two before he died.<br />
We’d swept into Iraq earlier that day and were ready for adventure.<br />
“Anything could be boobytrapped,” <strong>the</strong> major had told us. “Anything at<br />
all. With a capital ‘A.’”<br />
Less than an hour later, amongst a pile of Iraqis we’d just killed<br />
from afar — poppity, poppity-pop with our impressive little arsennel of<br />
small arms — <strong>the</strong> major stooped over to pick up an AK-M, which is an<br />
AK-47 with a wooden stock. And, ka-pop!, off went his hand and face in a<br />
pink puff of smoke. Magic! He was dead, just like that. He fell, gently,<br />
onto his side. I was about ten meters away and little pieces of metal and<br />
officer face chunks and hand bones lodged in my arms, legs, face and<br />
hands. Nothing debilitating, mind you. Body armor saved my torso and<br />
ESS goggles my eyes. The major took <strong>the</strong> brunt.<br />
I saw a man killed, a superior officer, and my reaction was<br />
surprising, even to me. I thought, That was pretty cool.<br />
The major who replaced him, two months later, was a reservist<br />
from Sheridan, Wyoming. He was a dog trainer back in <strong>the</strong> world and<br />
offered winning advice for dealing with newly <strong>free</strong>d Iraqi personnel. He<br />
told us what he told all of his clients back home in bumfuck moocowland:<br />
“Don’t make eye contact. Walk into any situation as if you’re<br />
<strong>the</strong> alpha male, and that will make you <strong>the</strong> alpha male.” It was sound<br />
advice for dealing with dogs.<br />
He wasn’t <strong>the</strong> only one who had a <strong>the</strong>ory. All of our superior<br />
officers, from <strong>the</strong> generals on down to dippy second lieutenants, were<br />
60
JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
encumbered with <strong>the</strong>ories and books. I’d never seen so many books. The<br />
books were going to tell <strong>the</strong>m how to pacify our new Iraqi friends.<br />
In <strong>the</strong> meantime, we were living inside our vehicles and<br />
swallowing great dry gulps of desert sand. The heat and sand came<br />
slamming down from above and up from below and whipped around our<br />
heads and got inside our ass cracks. The people from back home sent us<br />
baby wipes and congratulatory letters. “Dear Soldier, I don’t know you<br />
but thank you for saving my <strong>free</strong>dom.”<br />
Whatever, man.<br />
I killed a man one day on a street crowded with angry, hungry<br />
people. I picked <strong>the</strong> guy out at random and shot him. Ka-pop. It was not<br />
cool. “You sure know how to end a riot, Dugan,” said a second lieutenant<br />
right after I’d zapped <strong>the</strong> dude.<br />
“Check your <strong>the</strong>ory book. Page 19, second paragraph, sir,” I said,<br />
not looking at him, all alpha-male-like, my hands shaking, as people<br />
screamed and ran away from me, down <strong>the</strong> heat-and-dust-clogged street.<br />
“Har-dee-har-har,” he went.<br />
Smoke came out of <strong>the</strong> dead man’s wound. He was maybe twice<br />
my age and his family, or people I assumed were his family, came and<br />
dragged him away later. A boy, a girl, a woman.<br />
We dug in, eventually. Sandbags and concertina wire. Guard<br />
towers. Eventually, <strong>the</strong> cans came. They were little sleeper<br />
compartments. And <strong>the</strong>n showers. And <strong>the</strong>n air conditioning. And, much<br />
later, soft-serve ice cream in several ambrosial flavors. And contractors<br />
to serve <strong>the</strong> soft serve. And delightful dining facilities in which to<br />
consume <strong>the</strong> soft serve. And plasma TVs and <strong>the</strong> Armed Forces Radio<br />
and Television Service, where we learned every day that we were<br />
winning, always winning. More importantly, we also learned who was<br />
leading <strong>the</strong> points standing in NASCAR and which college football<br />
teams were doing well.<br />
After winning <strong>the</strong> war on a daily basis, I rotated to CONUS.<br />
Then I rotated to Korea. Then I rotated to Iraq. Then I got blown up<br />
and went to Landstuhl Army Hospital in Germany and, later, Walter<br />
Reed Army Hospital in Washington, D.C. And <strong>the</strong>n I left <strong>the</strong> Army with<br />
a capital “A.” Sort of.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 61
BRIGHT GUILTY WORLD<br />
I sat down on my bed and watched <strong>the</strong> world through <strong>the</strong> little<br />
round window, <strong>the</strong> sun sparkling through <strong>the</strong> green, green leaves. When<br />
it became dark, I curled up and fell asleep.<br />
I dreamt that gunmen had taken over my mo<strong>the</strong>r’s fake New<br />
England fishing village in Florida. I woke up, grabbed my wallet and<br />
tiptoed downstairs. I could hear <strong>the</strong> tenants growling and grumbling<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir way through angry sleep.<br />
I pulled a calling card from my wallet. On <strong>the</strong> front of it was a<br />
picture of a G.I. in <strong>the</strong> nicest desert you’d ever seen, <strong>the</strong> sun sparkling<br />
high in <strong>the</strong> blue-yellow sky above him, and him on a payphone that had<br />
miraculously popped up out of that desert, his head bowed, calling home.<br />
“Hi, Ma! Hi, Pa!” “Oh, Sonny Boy! How is <strong>the</strong> war going?” “We’re<br />
winning, Ma! We’re winning, Pa! Everything’s super! How’s Sissy?<br />
How’s Sparky? How’s our swell mutt Jasper?” “Everything here is<br />
peachy keen! Biggest economic expansion in human history now that<br />
you’ve secured our <strong>free</strong>dom and protected our country.” “That’s swell!”<br />
“It sure is swell!”<br />
Whatever, man.<br />
I punched in all <strong>the</strong> appropriate numbers. The receiver emitted<br />
its buzzing noises. Nothing unusual <strong>the</strong>re. The mo<strong>the</strong>r picked up.<br />
“It’s your bro<strong>the</strong>r,” said <strong>the</strong> mo<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
“Hi,” I said. “How’s it going? Whatcha doing? Is anything<br />
wrong?”<br />
I picked up a plastic gin bottle on <strong>the</strong> floor and took <strong>the</strong> last<br />
swig, tossed it into a nearby wastepaper basket.<br />
“It’s four in <strong>the</strong> morning,” she said. “You haven’t called in three<br />
weeks,” she said. “Maybe everything is going wrong. You wouldn’t know,<br />
would you?”<br />
My Catholicism sickened me, along with <strong>the</strong> leftover gin. “It is 4<br />
a.m. I guess I must finally be going nuts, like you know who.”<br />
“Don’t mock your bro<strong>the</strong>r,” she said.<br />
“I think you should call him right up. Invite him over. He can tell<br />
you about his Doppelganger from <strong>the</strong> red universe who’s having all <strong>the</strong><br />
fun, while he’s stuck in this universe working his ass off like a sucker.”<br />
“I don’t have to call him. He’s here.”<br />
62
JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
Chess was out of <strong>the</strong> nuthouse. Free. I thought about running<br />
down to <strong>the</strong> front door and locking it, as if that would do any good. A<br />
vision of Chess with a fire ax chopping down <strong>the</strong> balsa wood door floated<br />
into my head. “Oh, that’s just swell. Is he taking his pills?”<br />
“We both take our pills at <strong>the</strong> same time in <strong>the</strong> morning.”<br />
“If you don’t mind, I’ll start carrying a tazer with me. Just in<br />
case.”<br />
“You’re too hard on your bro<strong>the</strong>r. He’s your twin. You two<br />
should be closer.”<br />
“If we felt each o<strong>the</strong>r’s pain, I’d be hitting myself in <strong>the</strong> ass with a<br />
board all <strong>the</strong> live-long day. A board with a nail in it.”<br />
“That’s a terrible thing to say.”<br />
“Yes it is.”<br />
There was always something wrong with my bro<strong>the</strong>r, some little<br />
kernel of not-right. Chess knew it. And he knew that whatever was<br />
wrong with him didn’t apply to me.<br />
Being a twin is supposed to mean never being alone. We dressed<br />
alike, were crammed into <strong>the</strong> same room, shared <strong>the</strong> same bolus of DNA,<br />
but were always, both of us, alone. I took it better than Chess. Chess was<br />
twitchy and filled with violent fury. I was merely twitchy.<br />
“Stop being afraid of me!” Chess shouted one time, when we were<br />
little. We were in a vast, dandelion-covered field near our house in<br />
Nebraska. Chess had come outside to play Red Rover with <strong>the</strong><br />
neighborhood children. I was part of <strong>the</strong> group. They all stopped, <strong>the</strong><br />
children, stunned voiceless in <strong>the</strong> presence of Chess’ rage.<br />
“I gotta go,” an undersized kid said. He had <strong>the</strong> look of a boy<br />
with a career in accounting in his future. He wanted to become that<br />
accountant. He ran off.<br />
“I’ll show you,” Chess said to me. He practically whispered it, but<br />
<strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r kids heard and involuntarily backed off a step. Then,<br />
voluntarily, <strong>the</strong>y peeled away one-by-one until only Chess and I stood in<br />
<strong>the</strong> field. Chess stood close enough for me to feel <strong>the</strong> anger pouring out<br />
of him as heat. He looked everywhere but my eyes.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 63
BRIGHT GUILTY WORLD<br />
“You,” he finally said, staring, trying to will a hole in my<br />
forehead. Chess turned on his heel and stalked off, leaving me standing<br />
alone in <strong>the</strong> field.<br />
By <strong>the</strong> time <strong>the</strong> family moved to Florida, I had given up on <strong>the</strong><br />
idea of friendship, mostly.<br />
“Hello, big bro<strong>the</strong>r,” Chess said through <strong>the</strong> receiver.<br />
Our cancer-stricken mo<strong>the</strong>r had surrendered <strong>the</strong> phone to him.<br />
I was older by ten minutes. If you believed <strong>the</strong> reports.<br />
“So you beat up a dying old lady and snatched <strong>the</strong> phone away<br />
from her,” I said. “Good for you. Who needs a job when you have ‘not<br />
guilty by reason of insanity’ in your back pocket?”<br />
“She waved me over and handed me <strong>the</strong> phone,” he said. “Did you<br />
know she had <strong>the</strong> movers bring my weights over from <strong>the</strong> old house? I’m<br />
setting <strong>the</strong>m up in <strong>the</strong> garage.”<br />
“That’s comforting. When you stop taking your pills, you’ll be<br />
twice as hard to restrain. How’s your double in <strong>the</strong> red universe doing?<br />
Still taking all your vacation days?”<br />
“Look, I’m trying to be civil. Quit it. This is what you wanted,<br />
isn’t it? For me to sit with Mom until she croaks?”<br />
“Okay. Calm down. It’s ten after four in <strong>the</strong> morning and you<br />
haven’t had your pills yet.”<br />
It’s an all-night party over at <strong>the</strong> Dugan Compound, I thought.<br />
“Fuck you,” Chess said, in an almost civil tone.<br />
The phone clicked dead. I stared at <strong>the</strong> phone a moment, and<br />
<strong>the</strong>n hung up. They didn’t even ask where I was. Not interested, I<br />
guessed.<br />
“Quiet out <strong>the</strong>re!” one of <strong>the</strong> angry boarders shouted through a<br />
closed door.<br />
Exsanguinate.<br />
This is what my shrink at Walter Reed told me came out of my<br />
mouth over and over when my dinged-up corpus was delivered to<br />
64
JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
Landstuhl Army Hospital in Germany. I’d survived <strong>the</strong> golden hour, <strong>the</strong><br />
hour after I’d been blown up by an IED. Then I was magically swept out<br />
of good ol’ Iraq.<br />
So I’d been patched up and flown out of Iraq before I knew what<br />
hit me.<br />
I was in Landstuhl, in that wretched old Army hospital, rolling<br />
down an aisle watching <strong>the</strong> acoustic tiles above me. Here a yellow stain,<br />
<strong>the</strong>re a yellow stain. Florescent lighting, yellow stain. The hospital was<br />
oozing.<br />
And me: “Ek-SANG-win-ate! Ek-SANG-win-ate!”<br />
A little prick of something to calm me down, but still more: “Ek-<br />
SANG-win-ate! Ek-SANG-win-ate!”<br />
Two years before I joined <strong>the</strong> Army and two-and-a-half years<br />
before Chess had gone so obviously insane that my mo<strong>the</strong>r had no choice<br />
but to sign <strong>the</strong> commitment papers, my fa<strong>the</strong>r had taken us four kids in<br />
<strong>the</strong> family truckster over to <strong>the</strong> Ringling Museum of Art to tell us all<br />
about how he was leaving Mom.<br />
And us, for that matter.<br />
When we came in <strong>the</strong> front door, through <strong>the</strong> glass behind <strong>the</strong><br />
ticket counter we could see <strong>the</strong> open courtyard. The museum formed a<br />
big U around it. A bronze cast of Michaelangelo’s David stood in <strong>the</strong><br />
elements with his dick hanging out. My fa<strong>the</strong>r paid for our tickets and<br />
we made our way out <strong>the</strong>re.<br />
My fa<strong>the</strong>r wasn’t one for <strong>the</strong> arts, though he had a rough<br />
appreciation of Andy Warhol’s work, for <strong>the</strong> swindling aspect of it.<br />
He brought us <strong>the</strong>re because <strong>the</strong> museum had guards. If Chess<br />
took a swing at him, he had a small army of guards at his disposal. He sat<br />
us down on a bench out in <strong>the</strong> courtyard near a sculpture of a woman<br />
getting fucked by a swan and stood in front of us, all nervous and<br />
twitchy, wringing his hands and trying out his salesman’s smile. My<br />
fa<strong>the</strong>r had an unshakable faith in his ability to convince just about anyone<br />
of anything, save his family, to whom he’d preached <strong>the</strong> wisdom of not<br />
being <strong>the</strong> sucker. And now, he had to make us suckers as his final gesture<br />
as head of household.<br />
“So how are you kids doing today?” he asked us.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 65
BRIGHT GUILTY WORLD<br />
“Tip your waitress,” Chess said. His hand tap-tap-tapped on his<br />
knee, which was rapidly popping up and down. We were 17, identical<br />
twins who didn’t look a damn thing like each o<strong>the</strong>r, who couldn’t stand<br />
<strong>the</strong> sight of each o<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
My hands were laced, shoved between my thighs, my head down,<br />
staring at my Doc Martens.<br />
“What’s going on?” Magda asked. She was so tiny <strong>the</strong>n. My<br />
mo<strong>the</strong>r did her hair in rag curls. Her feet swung, not reaching <strong>the</strong><br />
ground, patton-lea<strong>the</strong>r Mary Janes gleaming in <strong>the</strong> hellish Florida sun.<br />
In high school, she became an artist, painting portraits of circus people<br />
and illustrating her homemade children’s books.<br />
“This is it, isn’t it?” Chess said. “You’re leaving.”<br />
He slowly rose to his feet. My fa<strong>the</strong>r was not a big man. Guile,<br />
craft, wit and illusion were his weapons.<br />
We were about 5-foot-11 by that time. I was thin. Chess was<br />
ripped. He spent his afternoons mowing lawns and lifting weights that<br />
he’d bought with <strong>the</strong> lawn money. While I lounged around reading and<br />
trying to listen to <strong>the</strong> Smiths in our room, I could hear Chess in <strong>the</strong><br />
adjacent garage growling and clanking his cast-iron weights, a boombox<br />
blasting out CD’s full of Black Flag and <strong>the</strong> Angry Samoans. A picture of<br />
Henry Rollins in full fury, his eyes blazing and neck tendons popped out,<br />
adorned <strong>the</strong> underside of my bunk so that Rollins would be <strong>the</strong> first<br />
thing Chess saw when he woke up in <strong>the</strong> morning.<br />
“Now, son,” my fa<strong>the</strong>r said, his hands raised up, pasty palms out.<br />
He was afraid. We were all afraid of Chess, except for Magda. She<br />
admired him.<br />
“C’mon old man, let’s hear it,” Chess said. “Shine us on.” He was<br />
inches from <strong>the</strong> fa<strong>the</strong>r, his fists balled up like he was going to knock his<br />
teeth down his throat.<br />
“I’m your fa<strong>the</strong>r,” he said pleadingly, half in a whisper.<br />
Chess was confused for a moment. He stepped around my fa<strong>the</strong>r<br />
like he was a pile of dogshit and stomped over to <strong>the</strong> vulgar statue and<br />
kicked it. If he hadn’t had steel-toed work boots on, he’d have broken his<br />
toes. He leapt back from <strong>the</strong> statue, like <strong>the</strong> statue had attacked him<br />
instead of <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r way around.<br />
“Go to hell!” he shouted at my fa<strong>the</strong>r, and ran off.<br />
66
JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
My fa<strong>the</strong>r stood frozen and sweating, staring off toward Chess as<br />
he flew out of <strong>the</strong> courtyard.<br />
I stood up and took my sister by a hand. “We’ll be by <strong>the</strong> car,” I<br />
said.<br />
My fa<strong>the</strong>r pulled a wad of keys out of his pocket and handed<br />
<strong>the</strong>m to me. I shoved <strong>the</strong>m in my pocket with my spare hand.<br />
“Get it cooled down,” my fa<strong>the</strong>r said.<br />
I felt sweating drizzling down my back. My fa<strong>the</strong>r walked in <strong>the</strong><br />
direction of where Chess had run. He sped up to a trot and disappeared<br />
around a corner.<br />
“Anyone want to see some paintings?” I asked my sister.<br />
“What’s happening?” Magda asked.<br />
“Remember that lady we saw him with at his office?” I asked her.<br />
“Yeah,” Magda said.<br />
“He’s taking her with him,” I said. “Now he’ll start a family with<br />
her, just like he started a family with Mom after he left <strong>the</strong> lady he was<br />
married to in Ohio. And he’ll forget Mom and us <strong>the</strong> same as he forgot<br />
<strong>the</strong> lady in Ohio and those kids.”<br />
“You’re lying!” Magda said. But she didn’t believe it.<br />
“Nobody likes <strong>the</strong> truth,” I said. “You want to take <strong>the</strong> car and<br />
get some ice cream? We can go to <strong>the</strong> mall, too.”<br />
“Daddy’ll get mad,” Magda said.<br />
“Who gives a shit?” I said.<br />
“Yeah,” Magda said. “Who gives a shit?”<br />
I didn’t feel good, and hadn’t felt good in a long time. It was not<br />
physical. But I did feel like throwing up. I didn’t eat much because of<br />
that. I walked and I walked.<br />
The town. The leaves on <strong>the</strong> trees. The placid green. The quiet.<br />
The lack of suspense. The tiny, well-kept houses and pleasant howdydo’s<br />
and <strong>the</strong> yapping dogs and <strong>the</strong> sprinklers shooting cool water at my<br />
feet.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 67
BRIGHT GUILTY WORLD<br />
Everything seemed so fucking normal. It made me sad.<br />
Normalcy was sickening, if I paid any attention to it. Normalcy was<br />
vulgar.<br />
The chaos I was used to — <strong>the</strong> dust and <strong>the</strong> rage and <strong>the</strong><br />
exoticism — had a hard, true edge to it. That’s why I didn’t fight going<br />
back to Iraq <strong>the</strong> second time around. That’s why I was thinking of going<br />
back right at that moment, even though I was considered broken by <strong>the</strong><br />
Army. I was 75-percent disabled, and I knew <strong>the</strong>y’d take me back in <strong>the</strong><br />
length of time it would take to sign ano<strong>the</strong>r contract. The Army was that<br />
hard-up.<br />
The squawking boxes filled with simulated combat in <strong>the</strong> video<br />
games section at <strong>the</strong> Buy and Bye down <strong>the</strong> street, and <strong>the</strong> movies<br />
section and <strong>the</strong> home <strong>the</strong>ater section — <strong>the</strong>y were combat made normal.<br />
But <strong>the</strong>re was nothing normal about actual combat. Actual<br />
combat was <strong>the</strong> sound of a sucking chest wound coming from <strong>the</strong> guy<br />
you were sharing fuck fantasies with at <strong>the</strong> D-Fac over Thanksgiving<br />
dinner.<br />
“When I get home...”<br />
Shit yeah.<br />
When I get home, when I get back to <strong>the</strong> world, when I get<br />
home, when I get home.<br />
And <strong>the</strong>n you get home and it’s fucking bullshit.<br />
68
A Brief Tale of Great Integrity<br />
By Tony Byrer<br />
All this happened a long time ago and thank God it did because if I had<br />
to go through this shit now I’d just go suck off a shotgun and put myself<br />
out of my misery.<br />
I used to be an assistant manager at Hardee’s, <strong>the</strong> most<br />
thankless, pissed-upon job I’ve ever had in my life. Talk about being<br />
exploited! Those pricks could suck <strong>the</strong> green out of a dollar until you<br />
were left with nothing but a transparent piece of parchment that would<br />
disintegrate in your hand leaving no trace but a wishful, wistful longing<br />
for something better. I’d regularly work seventy, even eighty hours a<br />
week serving fatburgers to whining, spoiled customers who seemed to<br />
expect five star service for <strong>the</strong>ir measly $3.98 Big Deluxe combo<br />
purchase.<br />
Like this one time I was running <strong>the</strong> drive through because once<br />
again my entire fucking crew ei<strong>the</strong>r called in at <strong>the</strong> last minute or <strong>the</strong>y<br />
just didn’t show up. Some guy came up to <strong>the</strong> speaker and placed his<br />
order. Well, it was just me and one o<strong>the</strong>r guy running <strong>the</strong> grill in back,<br />
so it was taking us a little time to deal with <strong>the</strong> rush. We thought we<br />
were doing a pretty good job all things considered, but when this prick<br />
got up to <strong>the</strong> window, <strong>the</strong> first words out of his mouth were, “God damn<br />
it, what’s wrong with you fucking idiots?”<br />
I’d had enough even before he showed up, so my response was<br />
less than diplomatic. “Don’t cuss at me, bitch, I didn’t do anything to<br />
you!” I took his money and gave him his change while he sat <strong>the</strong>re<br />
muttering to himself, his face growing redder and redder.<br />
“Next time, I’m going to McDonald’s!” he said as I handed him<br />
his order.<br />
“Good,” I said.<br />
“I’m never coming back here,” he threatened.<br />
“Good,” I repeated. “We don’t want you.”<br />
He muttered something to himself and sped away.<br />
John, one of <strong>the</strong> crew leaders, came up from <strong>the</strong> back where he’d<br />
been running <strong>the</strong> grill and assembling sandwiches. “I heard that guy<br />
bitching at you over <strong>the</strong> speaker,” he said. “I spit a big green hawker on<br />
his sandwich. That burger’s going to be extra chewy.”<br />
I gagged a little. “Thanks, man,” I said. “Now let’s go smoke a<br />
joint.”<br />
70
TONY BYRER<br />
That’s how we handled stressful situations at that hellhole.<br />
Every chance we had, we’d go into <strong>the</strong> <strong>free</strong>zer and smoke some pot. By<br />
<strong>the</strong> end of my shifts, I was usually wrecked. We were all po<strong>the</strong>ads, even<br />
<strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r managers. We’d found that <strong>the</strong> gauge or regulator or whatever<br />
it was on <strong>the</strong> helium tanks made a damn fine pipe. It eventually<br />
disappeared. Someone took it home with him to use <strong>the</strong>re. Then <strong>the</strong>re<br />
were no more balloons for <strong>the</strong> kiddies’ birthday parties.<br />
So John and I went into <strong>the</strong> <strong>free</strong>zer to smoke a joint. While we<br />
were passing it back and forth, <strong>the</strong> bell sounded in my ear, signaling<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r car had just driven up on <strong>the</strong> drive through pad.<br />
“Thank you for choosing Hardee’s,” I said. “Would you like a<br />
combo?”<br />
“Yeah,” some vapid gum chewing teenage voice said. I didn’t pay<br />
any attention to what she said next. She rattled off some long<br />
complicated order that I didn’t want to have to deal with. “…and a Diet<br />
Coke,” she said.<br />
I exhaled a lungful of God’s sweet smoke. “Would you repeat<br />
that, please?” I asked.<br />
She sighed and started going through <strong>the</strong> whole thing again.<br />
“Uh, wait a minute,” I said.<br />
I took ano<strong>the</strong>r long pull off <strong>the</strong> joint and waited while I listened<br />
to <strong>the</strong> girl sighing and chewing her gum.<br />
“Okay,” I said between chuffs of marijuana smoke. “Would you<br />
repeat that, please?”<br />
She repeated <strong>the</strong> whole thing while I rolled my eyes at John.<br />
“Okay,” I said. “That’s a Big Deluxe combo with curly fries and a Sprite,<br />
two chicken fillets with no mayo and add tomato, a Big Mac combo with<br />
a brownie and Miller High Life, and two scratch off lotto tickets.” I had<br />
no idea what she’d ordered. I was stoned and John was thrusting <strong>the</strong><br />
joint at me again.<br />
“No!” she said. “Were you even listening to me? Lotto tickets?<br />
What are you talking about?”<br />
I took ano<strong>the</strong>r long pull on <strong>the</strong> joint and keyed my mic. “Thank<br />
you. Please drive through.”<br />
“You didn’t get my order right!” she wailed. “I want a bacon<br />
cheeseburger…” I tuned her out and concentrated on smoking this big<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 71
A BRIEF TALE OF GREAT INTEGRITY<br />
joint John and I were sharing. It really was a big honker of a marijuana<br />
cigarette. Man, I was stoned. I looked at John. His eyes glowed bright<br />
red and drooped half closed. Yup, he was stoned, too. The girl at <strong>the</strong><br />
drive through cursed and drove off. “Good riddance,” I said to John. We<br />
both laughed.<br />
Ano<strong>the</strong>r car drove up to <strong>the</strong> speaker. “Thank you for choosing<br />
McDonald’s,” I said. “Would you like to fuck off and die?”<br />
“What?” some outraged voice shrieked.<br />
“Excuse me,” I said. “We’ve been getting interference from CB<br />
radios all night long. Would you repeat that?”<br />
“Oh,” said <strong>the</strong> voice. “I’d like a chicken fillet sandwich, no mayo,<br />
and—“<br />
“Wait a minute,” I said. It was going to be a long night. John and<br />
I finished <strong>the</strong> joint and emerged from <strong>the</strong> <strong>free</strong>zer. There was no chance<br />
any customers would wander inside <strong>the</strong> store. I’d locked <strong>the</strong> doors over<br />
an hour ago. I hated it when people came inside <strong>the</strong> building. It was bad<br />
enough <strong>the</strong>y drove up to <strong>the</strong> drive through all night long. I decided to<br />
turn out <strong>the</strong> lights, too. Maybe <strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong>y’d leave us alone.<br />
“Hello?” said <strong>the</strong> voice from <strong>the</strong> drive through. I’d totally<br />
forgotten someone was out <strong>the</strong>re. “Hello?”<br />
“Aw, shit,” I said to John. “How long do you think it’ll take for<br />
this bitch to drive away?”<br />
“Too damn long,” he said. “Just ignore her.”<br />
“You’re right,” I said, unclipping <strong>the</strong> drive through beltpack<br />
from my waist and removing <strong>the</strong> headphones. “Enough’s enough. Let’s<br />
clean up and get <strong>the</strong> hell out of here.”<br />
John laughed. “It’s only 9:00,” he said. “We’re supposed to be<br />
open until eleven.”<br />
“Fine,” I said. “You run <strong>the</strong> whole joint if you want. I’m getting<br />
<strong>the</strong> hell out of here.”<br />
“Are you closed?” asked <strong>the</strong> voice.<br />
“Goddamn right,” I said as I started flipping switches. One by<br />
one <strong>the</strong> banks of lights went out. “Turn off <strong>the</strong> equipment,” I said. “We<br />
don’t want <strong>the</strong> place to burn down overnight.” I considered what I said.<br />
72
TONY BYRER<br />
“Check that. We want it to burn down, but we don’t want it to be our<br />
fault.”<br />
“I have coupons,” said <strong>the</strong> voice. John and I both cracked up.<br />
“Oh, shit!” John shouted. “She has coupons! That’s better than a<br />
note from your mo<strong>the</strong>r!”<br />
“On that note,” I said, “I’m leaving. You have a good one.”<br />
“Hello?” said <strong>the</strong> voice.<br />
“How much weed do you have left?” John asked.<br />
“Enough for me,” I said. “You gotta get your own.”<br />
“Bullshit!” John said. “You had a whole quarter and we only<br />
smoked three joints out of it! You have enough to spare me a joint.”<br />
“I don’t see you offering up any money,” I said. “This shit’s<br />
expensive, you know.”<br />
“You know I don’t have any money,” John said. “All my money<br />
goes for diapers and baby formula.”<br />
That was true. John was only seventeen and he was already<br />
married with a baby. He’d gotten his high school girlfriend knocked up<br />
and now he was trying to work full time, finish high school, and support<br />
a baby and a deadbeat wife. On top of all that, he was a po<strong>the</strong>ad. A broke<br />
po<strong>the</strong>ad.<br />
“All right,” I said, feeling a bit of pity for him. “I’ll give you a<br />
little bit, enough to maintain your buzz a while longer, but you have to<br />
stay behind and turn off all <strong>the</strong> equipment.”<br />
“Are you closed?” <strong>the</strong> stubborn damn drive through customer<br />
asked. I couldn’t believe she was still sitting out <strong>the</strong>re. I snatched up <strong>the</strong><br />
drive through headset.<br />
“Yes, goddammit!” I shouted into <strong>the</strong> mic. “We’re closed! Now<br />
get <strong>the</strong> fuck out of here!”<br />
“Yeah,” said <strong>the</strong> voice. “I wanna fish sammitch, a two-piece<br />
chicken dinner….”<br />
“Unbelievable!” I said, throwing <strong>the</strong> headset aside.<br />
John shook his head. “People are addicted to this shit,” he said.<br />
“It’s not even good shit. It all tastes like shit.”<br />
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A BRIEF TALE OF GREAT INTEGRITY<br />
“Speaking of shit,” I said, holding up <strong>the</strong> baggie. “Are you gonna<br />
stay behind and shut off all <strong>the</strong> equipment?”<br />
“Yeah, I guess,” said John. “If you’ll get me high again.”<br />
I gazed at him. Through my bleary eyes he looked like walking<br />
death. He had dark bags under his heavy red eyes. His cheekbones stuck<br />
out through his flaccid skin. To me, he looked like a skull covered loosely<br />
with flabby skin. “Man,” I said, “you must have a real problem. I’m stoned<br />
as fuck.”<br />
“I wanna get more stoned,” John said. “It’s <strong>the</strong> only way I can go<br />
home and deal with a screaming baby and a bitching wife.”<br />
“All right,” I said. “Let’s go back in <strong>the</strong> <strong>free</strong>zer.” I reached over to<br />
<strong>the</strong> electrical box and shut off <strong>the</strong> power to <strong>the</strong> drive through. If that<br />
insane bitch wanted to sit out <strong>the</strong>re all night talking to a dead speaker,<br />
<strong>the</strong>n she could damn well do it without bo<strong>the</strong>ring me.<br />
We ended up smoking two more joints that night and by <strong>the</strong><br />
time I left I was utterly wasted. As we walked out <strong>the</strong> door I peeked<br />
around <strong>the</strong> corner. “She might still be sitting <strong>the</strong>re, man,” John said. I<br />
high-fived him before I climbed into my truck. I always act like a fool<br />
when I’m thoroughly wasted.<br />
It was only a ten minute drive across town to my house, but it<br />
took me twenty. I was creeping along at half <strong>the</strong> speed limit, only a little<br />
faster than a fast run and I still kept running up over <strong>the</strong> curb. It was like<br />
<strong>the</strong> street kept changing directions on me, skewing off to <strong>the</strong> right or left<br />
as I was trying desperately to go straight. And I had this peculiar tunnel<br />
vision. I could only see straight ahead for maybe fifty yards. Everything<br />
else was dark amorphous shadows twisting just beyond <strong>the</strong> range of<br />
vision. It reminded me of an old Betty Boop cartoon I saw once. She was<br />
creeping through a dark forest. The trees behind her were leering and<br />
dancing, reaching out to grab her. I saw it when I was a little kid and it<br />
scared <strong>the</strong> hell out of me. The thought of being grabbed by a tree was<br />
more than I could bear. What would a tree do with a little kid? I<br />
imagined it would stuff me down its woody throat and I’d be trapped<br />
inside it forever having to drink rainwater and eat bugs while everyone<br />
wondered whatever had happened to me. The memory sent a chill down<br />
my spine just as I bumped over ano<strong>the</strong>r curb.<br />
I jockeyed <strong>the</strong> truck left and right, dodging curbs and trees and<br />
<strong>the</strong> occasional amorphous shadow that detached itself from <strong>the</strong> riot at<br />
74
TONY BYRER<br />
<strong>the</strong> edge of my vision to dash across <strong>the</strong> street in front of me. I knew<br />
<strong>the</strong>re wasn’t really anything <strong>the</strong>re, but once or twice <strong>the</strong>y fooled me<br />
anyway. I stomped on <strong>the</strong> brakes to avoid <strong>the</strong>m even as <strong>the</strong>y dissipated<br />
before my eyes. Luckily nothing real ran in front of me. Nei<strong>the</strong>r did I run<br />
across any cops. If I’d been pulled over, I would have been toast. My eyes<br />
were glowing brightly enough I didn’t need headlights to illuminate my<br />
way home. The baggie of marijuana in my pocket would only have<br />
complicated matters.<br />
I was able to park <strong>the</strong> truck in <strong>the</strong> driveway at a reasonably<br />
straight angle only from long practice. I sat a moment inventorying my<br />
pockets to ensure I had all my possessions. Store keys, check. Cigarettes,<br />
check. Lighter, check. Pot, check. Carefully I surveyed <strong>the</strong> lawn and <strong>the</strong><br />
surrounding area for prowlers, boogeymen, and cops. No one was<br />
present. Good. Next I studied <strong>the</strong> house itself. All <strong>the</strong> lights were off<br />
except <strong>the</strong> small fluorescent light over <strong>the</strong> kitchen sink. That meant my<br />
wife was already in bed. Good. I had <strong>the</strong> rest of <strong>the</strong> night all to myself. I<br />
could get as stoned as I wanted.<br />
I swung out of <strong>the</strong> truck and nearly shut <strong>the</strong> door before I<br />
realized I’d left <strong>the</strong> keys in <strong>the</strong> ignition. Feeling relieved I hadn’t locked<br />
<strong>the</strong> keys in <strong>the</strong> truck, I leaned in to pull <strong>the</strong>m out and walked carefully to<br />
<strong>the</strong> back door. I only weaved off course once when my sense of balance<br />
abandoned me for just a brief instant. If anyone was watching me, <strong>the</strong>y<br />
were doing it from behind <strong>the</strong>ir drapes and I didn’t see <strong>the</strong>m. That’s<br />
okay, I told myself. I’ll be in <strong>the</strong> house behind locked doors long before<br />
any cops could get here.<br />
Once inside <strong>the</strong> house, I locked myself away upstairs in my<br />
computer room. I kept myself busy for a while preparing my pipe and<br />
logging on to <strong>the</strong> internet. Once I’d found my favorite chat room, I fired<br />
up a big bowl and leaned back into <strong>the</strong> chair. This was <strong>the</strong> way to live, I<br />
thought, exhaling a large cloud of fragrant smoke.<br />
A car went by on <strong>the</strong> street outside and I leaped to <strong>the</strong> window<br />
to peek out through <strong>the</strong> blind. I didn’t see anything, so I vaulted to <strong>the</strong><br />
o<strong>the</strong>r window and lined my eyeball up with <strong>the</strong> gap between <strong>the</strong> shade<br />
and <strong>the</strong> sill. Still nothing. I saw no reflections of red shouting lights, so I<br />
sat back in my chair and tried to get involved in <strong>the</strong> conversation online.<br />
The talk was moving too fast for me to keep up, so I just leaned<br />
back into my chair and smoked some more weed. Lots of weed. Too<br />
much wasn’t enough. I’d finish a bowl and ten minutes later fire up<br />
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A BRIEF TALE OF GREAT INTEGRITY<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r. Birds were twittering in my head and everything at <strong>the</strong> edges of<br />
my vision was writhing in sinuous hairy figure eights and ovals and<br />
every now and <strong>the</strong>n some awful primordial reptilian head would leer at<br />
me from under <strong>the</strong> desk or from behind <strong>the</strong> baseboard along <strong>the</strong> wall. I<br />
contemplated smoking more. The argument ran in tedious circles in my<br />
head.<br />
Smoke more, I urged myself. No, I thought, it’s too late. I have to<br />
get up in <strong>the</strong> morning and go to work. I glanced at <strong>the</strong> clock. It was<br />
nearly 4:30 a.m. I had to get up at eight to be at work by nine. Smoke<br />
more, I thought.<br />
I reached for <strong>the</strong> pipe. Silverish tinkling voices chimed in <strong>the</strong> air<br />
above my head. Sometimes a deep rumbling voice would mutter<br />
something, but <strong>the</strong> tinkly voices paid no heed. I couldn’t hear what <strong>the</strong>y<br />
were saying, but <strong>the</strong> tone sounded reasonably friendly. I filled <strong>the</strong> bowl of<br />
my pipe and glanced at <strong>the</strong> clock again. I have time, I decided, and fired it<br />
up.<br />
The marijuana did nothing for me. I was already so abysmally<br />
stoned, all <strong>the</strong> smoke did was make my chest burn. My throat was full of<br />
snot and I’d been coughing steadily for a couple of hours already. I<br />
wanted a cigarette, but <strong>the</strong>re was no way I could handle <strong>the</strong> harshness of<br />
it. I sat slumped in my chair staring absently at <strong>the</strong> screen. It was nearly<br />
five o’clock by now. I thought I could get by on three hours sleep.<br />
I logged off and staggered as quietly as I could downstairs,<br />
peeling off my reeking clo<strong>the</strong>s as I went. I missed <strong>the</strong> last step and<br />
twisted my ankle badly. I heard <strong>the</strong> pop of <strong>the</strong> joint stretched beyond its<br />
limit, but felt no real pain. I limped to bed, my ankle feeling hot and<br />
loose. Who cares, I thought, falling into bed next to my sleeping wife. I<br />
watched <strong>the</strong> darkness swirl above my head and listened to <strong>the</strong> pretty<br />
voices until I passed out.<br />
I was still stoned <strong>the</strong> next morning when I arrived at work, still<br />
stoned from <strong>the</strong> night before and stoned even more from <strong>the</strong> joint I<br />
smoked on <strong>the</strong> way to work. My boss Sharon was outside <strong>the</strong> restaurant<br />
sweeping. From <strong>the</strong> grim set of her jaw I knew something was wrong.<br />
“Good morning,” I sang to her as cheerily as I could given <strong>the</strong> strange<br />
feeling I had in my head, like dirty cotton balls had replaced all my<br />
brains. She attacked a bit of mud off someone’s tire tread like that bit of<br />
mud was <strong>the</strong> author of all her misery.<br />
76
TONY BYRER<br />
I shrugged and opened <strong>the</strong> door. None of <strong>the</strong> employees would<br />
meet my gaze. I wondered what I’d done that was so bad. Then I realized<br />
I’d forgotten to drop some Visine into my eyes before coming in. I<br />
probably looked like Mr. Hyde fresh off a five day bender.<br />
I shambled into <strong>the</strong> office, limping on my painful ankle, and<br />
glanced at <strong>the</strong> schedule. My name wasn’t on it. “Damn it,” I brea<strong>the</strong>d.<br />
Sharon was always doing that to me. She’d make out a schedule and<br />
because she didn’t know yet what she wanted me to work, she’d leave my<br />
name off and just tell me from day to day when to come in to work. I<br />
hated that. I could never plan anything.<br />
Then my eyes fell on a fresh write-up form with my name on it<br />
on <strong>the</strong> desk. Great. I was being written up again. I searched <strong>the</strong> spotty<br />
database of my mind for any misdeeds of <strong>the</strong> previous few days. There<br />
were plenty. On Sunday I was scheduled to work 5:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. I’d<br />
come bopping in around eleven, <strong>the</strong>n called Mark, a strange little toad<br />
who was always asking for more hours, to come in and cover for me. I’d<br />
left right after lunch. I always closed early and I ignored most of <strong>the</strong><br />
drive through customers. Not to mention I always locked <strong>the</strong> doors<br />
around six or seven at night. Seems like I’d been caught.<br />
Sharon came into <strong>the</strong> office and shut <strong>the</strong> door. “What <strong>the</strong> hell<br />
happened last night?” she demanded.<br />
“What do you mean?” I asked, <strong>the</strong> very personification of beatific<br />
innocence.<br />
“When we came in this morning, <strong>the</strong> <strong>free</strong>zer was off and <strong>the</strong>re<br />
were marijuana butts all over <strong>the</strong> floor.”<br />
“Shit,” I said. “Did you save <strong>the</strong>m?” I thought I could roll <strong>the</strong>m<br />
into some potent roach weed joints.<br />
She sighed and picked up <strong>the</strong> write-up form. Then my vision<br />
cleared and I saw it wasn’t a write-up form at all, but a termination form.<br />
I was being fired.<br />
I laughed. “So I’m being fired, huh?”<br />
“What else do you expect me to do?” she asked, a hitch in her<br />
voice. Her furious façade was crumbling. Sharon liked me.<br />
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Hand it over. I’ll sign it.” She thrust<br />
<strong>the</strong> form at me and I signed it without reading it. Suddenly I was <strong>free</strong>.<br />
No more of this tedious, infuriating fast food restaurant crap.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 77
A BRIEF TALE OF GREAT INTEGRITY<br />
“If you hated it so bad here,” she said, “why didn’t you just quit?<br />
Why put yourself through all this stress?”<br />
“I’m stubborn,” I said. And it’s true. I’m far too stubborn for my<br />
own good.<br />
She grabbed me in a hug. “I’m going to miss you,” she wailed. I<br />
let my hand slip down to her shapely ass. Sharon was, among many o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
things, as hot as a house fire. I felt her breasts pressing into my rib cage.<br />
Mmm mmm mmm.<br />
She slapped my hand away. “Be good,” she said. “Don’t let my<br />
last memory of you be ugly.”<br />
“Okay,” I said. I smiled at her. “Take care of yourself. This is a<br />
horrible place to work.”<br />
“I know,” she said. “But it’s all I’ve got.”<br />
There was nothing more to be said. I turned and trudged out of<br />
<strong>the</strong> office. I didn’t speak to any of <strong>the</strong> morons working <strong>the</strong> morning shift.<br />
As I pushed out <strong>the</strong> door I noticed for <strong>the</strong> first time it was a bright and<br />
glorious day. I smiled up at <strong>the</strong> clear and guileless sky.<br />
I felt very tall.<br />
78
Tomato Lust<br />
By Joseph Suglia<br />
Dedicated to Joseph Suglia<br />
I. Birthday Love Tomato Cyclone<br />
What would I like for my birthday? A massive white blender that stands<br />
400-feet tall. Towering above <strong>the</strong> railroad tracks, it is visible within a<br />
seventy-mile radius. Surrounding <strong>the</strong> massive blender are tangles of<br />
foliage, a whispering grove, and a landfill teeming with fire ants.<br />
Flashing orange lights radiate upon <strong>the</strong> annular rim of <strong>the</strong> blender. Its<br />
blades are 20-feet long and sweep around at 1,000 miles per hour. They<br />
are capable of reducing whole herds of cattle to mucky gore and cowhair.<br />
The blender looms. It dominates. It engulfs space.<br />
The gigantic blending machine is to space what <strong>the</strong> sexual act is to time.<br />
The blender normally only operates at 24% of its capacity. It consumes<br />
enough electricity to power 2,000 homes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.<br />
The siding of <strong>the</strong> blender is made of ivory, distilled from <strong>the</strong> tusks of<br />
elephants. Over 4,000 elephants were slaughtered to construct <strong>the</strong><br />
siding of <strong>the</strong> gigantic ivory blender.<br />
Pygmies come with baskets fastened to <strong>the</strong>ir heads, baskets full of<br />
tomatoes. They ascend a 450-foot ladder that reaches to <strong>the</strong> pinnacle of<br />
<strong>the</strong> humongous ivory blender. To <strong>the</strong> music of Philip Glass, <strong>the</strong> pygmies<br />
empty <strong>the</strong>ir cargo into <strong>the</strong> abyss.<br />
Out of <strong>the</strong> grove parade <strong>the</strong> dancing women, dark-skinned, Josephine<br />
Baker-types bearing 100 tons of zebra shit in knapsacks slung around<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir backs. The dancers will ascend <strong>the</strong> ladder and pour <strong>the</strong> zebra shit<br />
into <strong>the</strong> giant blender.<br />
80
JOSEPH SUGLIA<br />
Mat<strong>the</strong>w Barney will film this event. The work, which will be screened<br />
at <strong>the</strong> Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) and subsidized by <strong>the</strong> National<br />
Endowment for <strong>the</strong> Arts (NEA), is called Tomato Cyclone.<br />
II. The Lake of Tomatoes<br />
In Western France, twenty miles East of Nantes, is a lake known as “The<br />
Lake of Tomatoes” (Le Lac des Tomates).<br />
As <strong>the</strong> name suggests, it is ravine overflowing with tomato sauce.<br />
1.1 miles in length, 1.3 miles wide, it is <strong>the</strong> world's largest known tomato<br />
lake.<br />
The Lake of Tomatoes is approximately 21.5 feet deep.<br />
Do not swim in <strong>the</strong> Lake of Tomatoes.<br />
Its piscine life is variegated.<br />
Minnows and tadpoles bloat and marshmallow; <strong>the</strong>ir skin grows porous<br />
and spongy.<br />
Eels sli<strong>the</strong>r and swim through <strong>the</strong> warm eddies of red.<br />
Standing on <strong>the</strong> pier, fishermen angle for reddish trout.<br />
Half-devoured tomato carapaces bounce on <strong>the</strong> foamy surface of <strong>the</strong> lake.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 81
TOMATO LUST<br />
On a raft with my beloved, I steer through <strong>the</strong> thick tomato sauce.<br />
The pungent musk of decomposing tomatoes fills our nostrils.<br />
A saurian lunges at us as <strong>the</strong> raft passes.<br />
The eels ripple through <strong>the</strong> tomato sauce like galvanic currents.<br />
82
The Phantom Coalition<br />
By Grant Bailie<br />
1.<br />
I was drinking a brandy beside a strange fireplace, <strong>the</strong> snow still<br />
on my shoulders, while my impromptu host regaled me with a long and<br />
loud car trouble story of his own.<br />
I looked into <strong>the</strong> fire and wondered when <strong>the</strong> tow truck would<br />
arrive.<br />
The host was finishing up; as far as I could tell, it was just a<br />
story about how his car stalled once, but he told it with such detail and<br />
animated glee that I had felt obligated to look up repeatedly while he was<br />
going on to say things like: “That’s something,” and “You don’t say.”<br />
At least it was warm by <strong>the</strong> fire. I had walked two miles to get to<br />
this part, passed nothing but blank white fields and dark woods before<br />
finding this one house, half hidden in a grove of gnarled trees.<br />
The house was old, and <strong>the</strong> fireplace was massive—far too big, in<br />
fact, for <strong>the</strong> room itself, which was smallish and o<strong>the</strong>rwise unadorned.<br />
On ei<strong>the</strong>r side of <strong>the</strong> fireplace’s gaping hearth where two stone figures,<br />
with strange black eyes. The figures were men, but <strong>the</strong>re was something<br />
brutish in <strong>the</strong>ir features that made <strong>the</strong>m seem just as close to some o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
primate. Above <strong>the</strong>se two stone ape-men, a set of stone wings formed <strong>the</strong><br />
top of <strong>the</strong> opening.<br />
That was <strong>the</strong> fireplace; <strong>the</strong> rest of <strong>the</strong> place was small and drab.<br />
Nothing on <strong>the</strong> walls. No furniture save a fragile looking chair in <strong>the</strong><br />
corner. There was a doorway into <strong>the</strong> next room, but <strong>the</strong> door was<br />
closed. It was <strong>the</strong> doorway my host had gone through earlier to call <strong>the</strong><br />
tow truck, and to fetch us <strong>the</strong> glasses and something to drink by <strong>the</strong> fire.<br />
“It’s an interesting place you have,” I said, when it was clear<br />
<strong>the</strong>re was nothing more to be drained from <strong>the</strong> subject of car trouble.<br />
“Thanks,” he said, finishing off <strong>the</strong> last of his brandy and<br />
smacking his lips. “Been in <strong>the</strong> family for years. Drink up.”<br />
I took a few sips, just to be polite. I am not a huge brandy fan.<br />
But it made a warm line going down, and after <strong>the</strong> long cold of <strong>the</strong> walk,<br />
at least that was something. That and <strong>the</strong> roaring fire.<br />
84
GRANT BAILIE<br />
I looked at <strong>the</strong> flames again—watched <strong>the</strong>m dance around, pieces<br />
of it arcing from one ember to ano<strong>the</strong>r, tongues of fire forming into<br />
figures that danced around, leaping from log to log. The figures in <strong>the</strong><br />
fire were familiar to me but it took me a moment to realize that <strong>the</strong>y<br />
were like <strong>the</strong> stone ape-men on <strong>the</strong> fireplace itself.<br />
“Hmm,” I said. I think I actually meant to say something, but for<br />
some reason or ano<strong>the</strong>r it only came out as “hmm.”<br />
“Yes,” my host said. I looked up. His face was enormous. There<br />
were beads of sweat on his upper lip <strong>the</strong> size of raindrops—like raindrops<br />
beaded up on <strong>the</strong> freshly waxed hood of a car—not my car; I hadn’t<br />
waxed my car in ages.<br />
“Is everything all right, young man?” <strong>the</strong> man asked and his<br />
voice sounded like both a howling wind and <strong>the</strong> hissing of a burning log.<br />
I took a step back from <strong>the</strong> fireplace. Maybe it was just <strong>the</strong> heat<br />
of that starting to bo<strong>the</strong>r me. That and <strong>the</strong> brandy.<br />
“Fresh air,” I said—and again. I had intended to say more, but<br />
that was all that came out. I took a few steps toward where I thought I<br />
remembered <strong>the</strong> door being. The steps did not go as smoothly as I had<br />
planned. There was something wrong with my feet. They were tied<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r, or stuck in an invisible mud or fused toge<strong>the</strong>r by heat like a<br />
wax doll left standing on a radiator. I kicked out, trying to break <strong>the</strong>m<br />
<strong>free</strong> of whatever was holding <strong>the</strong>m. It didn’t help. I lost my balance and<br />
fell slowly to <strong>the</strong> ground, so slowly that I had time to think things over a<br />
little on <strong>the</strong> way down. I’d been poisoned, of course. My host was<br />
probably <strong>the</strong> member of a satanic cult and I would wake up in a dark<br />
basement cavern strapped to a stone altar with some high priest or<br />
priestess marking off <strong>the</strong> bits of me to cut with a paintbrush dipped in<br />
goat blood. A hell of a thing, I thought, as I continued to fall. I don’t even<br />
like brandy. And all because I was too cheap or careless to keep up with<br />
<strong>the</strong> regular maintenance on my vehicle. Would an oil change or a better<br />
grade of gas have helped, I wondered. Would a new air filter have saved<br />
my life?<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 85
THE PHANTOM COALITION<br />
2.<br />
I woke up in a garish room—not at all like <strong>the</strong> dank,<br />
subterranean ca<strong>the</strong>dral I’d been expecting. The walls were blue and gold,<br />
with paintings of saints and cherubs ascending. I was on a couch—if<br />
couch was <strong>the</strong> right word for that museum piece. It creaked under my<br />
weight, crackled like it was stuffed with dry grass—unless it was that<br />
had been stuffed with dry grass. It was hard to know for sure.<br />
With some effort, I sat up. A few seconds later, my brain sat up<br />
with me, and we both looked around <strong>the</strong> room, more or less in unison.<br />
Aside from <strong>the</strong> couch and <strong>the</strong> paintings on <strong>the</strong> wall, <strong>the</strong>re were<br />
about a dozen o<strong>the</strong>r bits of expensive looking furniture and objects,<br />
mostly marble statuettes, silver clocks, porcelain boys fishing on dark<br />
wood tables with curling legs. On <strong>the</strong> table directly in front of me was<br />
<strong>the</strong> bronze statue of a colt rearing up on its hind legs. I picked it up. It<br />
was heavy and seemed like it might be useful for breaking down doors or<br />
bashing in heads. It had a price tag.<br />
I stood up, found a door, found that it was not locked, and walked<br />
through it and into ano<strong>the</strong>r room—<strong>the</strong> front room of an antique shop. I<br />
was still holding <strong>the</strong> bronze colt and <strong>the</strong>re was a little old lady at <strong>the</strong><br />
front counter, dusting off a collection of majolica ashtrays. She looked up,<br />
smiled at me without animosity. She reminded me of a nun I knew once,<br />
but without <strong>the</strong> cruel glint in her eyes.<br />
“Would you like to buy that, dear,” she said.<br />
I looked down at <strong>the</strong> horse statue in my hands. It was reasonably<br />
priced—it might even look good on <strong>the</strong> windowsill of my study. I<br />
reached into my back pocket and was happy to find a wallet <strong>the</strong>re.<br />
“Yes,” I said. “I would.”<br />
“It’s not really bronze, you know,” she said.<br />
“Oh no?” I said.<br />
“No. Some sort of alloy. And <strong>the</strong> right hoof is slightly<br />
misshapen.”<br />
“That’s OK,” I said, handing her <strong>the</strong> money.<br />
She put <strong>the</strong> horse into a plastic bag and handed it to me with my<br />
change. I walked out of <strong>the</strong> store like that: without stealth or violence.<br />
86
GRANT BAILIE<br />
And outside was an ordinary looking winter day, in a town I had never<br />
seen before in my life.<br />
I zipped up my coat, put <strong>the</strong> horse under my arm and thrust my<br />
hands into my pockets to keep warm. That’s when I felt it: a piece of<br />
paper folded into quarters. I took it out, opened it and read:<br />
“Dear Mr. Baillie,<br />
We are sorry for <strong>the</strong> inconvenience. We thought you<br />
were kith of a certain mystical bloodline---but never<br />
mind all that. It was all a stupendous mistake on our<br />
part. Our research department will be appropriately<br />
chastised, we assure you. We trust we have not<br />
inconvenienced you too very much. Please forgive us. As<br />
a token of our guilt, please find one train ticket back to<br />
your town, a long with a little traveling money. You will<br />
also find your car repaired and waiting for you in your<br />
driveway. We have even topped off <strong>the</strong> tank. That’s how<br />
bad we feel about this whole thing.<br />
Sincerely,<br />
The Phantom Coalition”<br />
I checked my inside breast pocket and sure enough, <strong>the</strong>re were<br />
train tickets and a small handful of cash.<br />
I hailed a taxi and had him take me to <strong>the</strong> train station. I had a<br />
few hours to kill before my train left, so I went into <strong>the</strong> diner attached to<br />
<strong>the</strong> station and got a cup of coffee. The coffee was good and I was<br />
beginning to feel human again. I asked <strong>the</strong> waitress what <strong>the</strong> special was.<br />
She told me it was gruel.<br />
“Gruel?” I asked. “Your special is gruel?.<br />
“It’s making a come-back,” <strong>the</strong> waitress told me.<br />
3.<br />
I was standing on <strong>the</strong> platform waiting for <strong>the</strong> train that would<br />
take me home. The platform was old or just made to look that way; iron<br />
lampposts with large clocks faces were set every hundred feet apart.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 87
THE PHANTOM COALITION<br />
Porters in <strong>the</strong> classic uniform walked back and forth checking <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
pocket watches.<br />
A man in a gray jumpsuit was mopping <strong>the</strong> far end of <strong>the</strong><br />
platform. This struck me as a questionable thing to do in <strong>the</strong> winter, but<br />
<strong>the</strong>re he was, dipping his mop into a bucket, and sloshing <strong>the</strong> slop-water<br />
around.<br />
A light snow was just beginning to fall. It looked like soap flakes<br />
or maybe frosted cornflakes. The man with <strong>the</strong> mop looked up, squinted,<br />
held out his hand to catch a few flakes, <strong>the</strong>n returned to his mopping.<br />
The train pulled up with a cloud of steam. It was an electric<br />
train, but still <strong>the</strong>re was a cloud of steam, obscuring half <strong>the</strong> platform in<br />
a white cloud while a whistle blew. I found out later that it had a special<br />
pipe for pumping out steam just for <strong>the</strong> dramatic effect of it all.<br />
A man yelled: “All aboard.”<br />
I climbed <strong>the</strong> steps into one of <strong>the</strong> cars, handed over my ticket<br />
and was shown to my seat by <strong>the</strong> window. The snow was getting heavier<br />
and a strong wind was blowing. It felt good to be inside, in <strong>the</strong> warmth<br />
and safety of a reasonably comfortable seat, and after a little while I fell<br />
into a kind of half-sleep.<br />
I was interrupted a few moments later by <strong>the</strong> arrival of <strong>the</strong><br />
passenger in <strong>the</strong> seat next to mine. He was a small man with a large face<br />
<strong>the</strong>re was something about him--his size, shape, clothing—that<br />
reminded me of a leprechaun—so much so, in fact, that I stared a few<br />
seconds longer than was polite. He stared back. Then he laid claim to <strong>the</strong><br />
armrest between us as if it were an act of vengeance<br />
I turned my attention back to <strong>the</strong> falling snow, and my back to<br />
<strong>the</strong> little man. Let him have <strong>the</strong> armrest. I folded my arms across my<br />
chest and after a few minutes, <strong>the</strong> train began to move, rocking gently on<br />
<strong>the</strong> tracks, a vague and serene, white landscape drifting by.<br />
I fell asleep and dreamt I was on a large wooden ship, traveling<br />
toward a distant shore. In my dream, I knew <strong>the</strong> name of <strong>the</strong> shore, but I<br />
cannot remember it now. I do remember <strong>the</strong> crew was scurrying back<br />
and forth, battening hatches, tying ropes into knots, fastening sails to<br />
masts, raising or dropping anchors--whatever it was that my<br />
subconscious mind supposed that sailors did.<br />
88
GRANT BAILIE<br />
They were, as <strong>the</strong>y say, a scurvy lot, with every o<strong>the</strong>r one of<br />
<strong>the</strong>m sporting ei<strong>the</strong>r a wooden leg or a patch over one eye. The captain<br />
was a man with a patch over both eyes, and had to be led to <strong>the</strong> bridge by<br />
a monkey on a leash. He seemed to be in a bad temper, and sniffed at <strong>the</strong><br />
wind in all directions before yelling some directions to <strong>the</strong> men.<br />
“Stem <strong>the</strong> main bridge, you cankerous lot!” he yelled.<br />
“Dredge <strong>the</strong> keelhaul, you conniving, gall-ridden son’s of sea<br />
cows!”<br />
Even in my dream, I knew his terminology was all wrong and<br />
was about to tap a passing crew member or monkey on <strong>the</strong> shoulder and<br />
tell <strong>the</strong>m so when a man with a big face wet with seawater came up and<br />
stood next to me.<br />
“We really are sorry for <strong>the</strong> inconvenience,” he said.<br />
And <strong>the</strong>n a large wave crashed upon us and swept me overboard.<br />
I awoke with a start. The train was pulling into a station; <strong>the</strong><br />
little man was already gone.<br />
A man in a black suit was standing in <strong>the</strong> aisle nearby.<br />
“This is you’re stop,” he said.<br />
“Is it?” I said. I looked out <strong>the</strong> window, but found no sign or<br />
identifiable landmark.<br />
“It most certainly is,” he said and smiled in that cryptic sort of<br />
way villains smile in movies.<br />
I got up, left <strong>the</strong> train, found my car in <strong>the</strong> parking lot. As<br />
promised, it had a full tank of gas. It started without any difficulty at all.<br />
4.<br />
I was back home, back to going to and from work, walking <strong>the</strong><br />
dog, kissing <strong>the</strong> wife, pretending to be a horse for my two young sons<br />
and riding <strong>the</strong>m back and forth from living room to bedroom until my<br />
knees were aching, my back sore and <strong>the</strong> palms of my hands bright red.<br />
I had told my wife about everything that had happened, of<br />
course, and after awhile she was starting to believe it, though she still<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 89
THE PHANTOM COALITION<br />
thought it seemed a little like an elaborate story I had concocted to cover<br />
up for a tryst I might be having with one of <strong>the</strong> girls from Accounting.<br />
“Have you seen any of <strong>the</strong> girls from Accounting?” I asked her.<br />
“And I would hardly call <strong>the</strong>m girls and <strong>the</strong>y all have this weird mint<br />
smell to <strong>the</strong>m…”<br />
“That isn’t really <strong>the</strong> point,” she said, checking <strong>the</strong> red lacquer<br />
on one thumbnail—it was worn away at <strong>the</strong> edges and <strong>the</strong> nail itself was<br />
somewhat ragged.<br />
I showed her <strong>the</strong> note again, and she pretended to read it for <strong>the</strong><br />
twentieth time.<br />
“It’s all just a little crazed,” she said, folding it up and handing it<br />
back to me. “A Phantom Coalition…what is that, even? A company? A<br />
Religion? And frankly, this even looks a little like your handwriting.”<br />
“It’s a lot crazed,” I said. “Having an affair with one of <strong>the</strong> girls<br />
from accounting would almost be preferable. At least <strong>the</strong> world would<br />
still be <strong>the</strong> same <strong>the</strong>n. It wouldn’t be this place where people are<br />
randomly drugged and kidnapped and left in a strange city with a note of<br />
apology and a train ticket home. What am I supposed to do with a world<br />
like that?”<br />
My wife appeared to think about it for some time. She tugged on<br />
her left earlobe. She chewed her thumbnail. “What do you mean an affair<br />
with one of <strong>the</strong> girls from accounting would be preferable?” she asked.<br />
It went downhill from <strong>the</strong>re. I slept on <strong>the</strong> couch, woke up stiff in<br />
<strong>the</strong> morning, got dressed for work without waking her, and grabbed<br />
breakfast and coffee at <strong>the</strong> diner near my office.<br />
The eggs were like rubber and <strong>the</strong> coffee tasted like it was<br />
brewed in a witch’s cauldron. I added cream and it turned gray. I half<br />
expected an eyeball to pop to <strong>the</strong> surface.<br />
I seldom ate at this diner—partly because <strong>the</strong> food was so bad<br />
and partly because <strong>the</strong> waitresses’ uniforms were made of corduroy.<br />
They made a funny thwipping sound whenever <strong>the</strong>y walked by. It<br />
unnerved me. Sometimes I had nightmares about it. In one particular<br />
nightmare several of <strong>the</strong> waitresses had gotten toge<strong>the</strong>r to bury me in a<br />
shallow grave in <strong>the</strong> parking lot behind <strong>the</strong> diner. You could hear <strong>the</strong><br />
thwip of <strong>the</strong>ir uniform every time <strong>the</strong>y threw ano<strong>the</strong>r shovelful of dirt on<br />
top of me. I had awaken screaming that night, waking my wife with me.<br />
90
GRANT BAILIE<br />
“What is it?” she had asked and all I had managed to say between<br />
gasping breaths was: “Waitresses.”<br />
“Is everything fine?” one of <strong>the</strong> waitress asked me and I told her<br />
it was and braced myself as she walked away.<br />
I was chewing on <strong>the</strong> last of strip of bacon that seemed more<br />
canine <strong>the</strong>n porcine when a man in a black suit came into <strong>the</strong> diner—I<br />
only noticed him because I looked up when <strong>the</strong> bell over <strong>the</strong> door rang.<br />
The man in <strong>the</strong> black suit smiled and nodded at me as if he knew me. I<br />
nodded back because I guess it was <strong>the</strong> polite thing to do, but <strong>the</strong> man in<br />
<strong>the</strong> black suit unsettled me now too, even more than <strong>the</strong> corduroy<br />
waitresses.<br />
I put <strong>the</strong> money on <strong>the</strong> counter and went to work.<br />
Work ended. On <strong>the</strong> way home I stopped at <strong>the</strong> public library,<br />
<strong>the</strong> computers for any mention of a Phantom Coalition, but found<br />
nothing. On <strong>the</strong> way out, I asked <strong>the</strong> librarian. He was ancient—older<br />
than most of <strong>the</strong> books—so I figured: what <strong>the</strong> heck, he might know<br />
something that wasn’t written down.<br />
But when I asked him about <strong>the</strong> Phantom Coalition it was like a<br />
gray cloud had crossed over his face. He muttered something and told<br />
me when <strong>the</strong> library was closing in three hours.<br />
I thanked him and left <strong>the</strong> building. Halfway home, I was<br />
stopped by <strong>the</strong> flashing lights of a police car. While I waited at <strong>the</strong> side of<br />
<strong>the</strong> road, I tried to remember how fast I had been going. It had not felt<br />
like I had been speeding.<br />
The police officer did not get out of his car right away, but <strong>the</strong>y<br />
never do. There are always <strong>the</strong> preparations, I suppose—<strong>the</strong> checking of<br />
plates, running of warrants, finding <strong>the</strong> ticket book and a working pen.<br />
But this guy seemed to be taking <strong>the</strong> process to an even fur<strong>the</strong>r extreme.<br />
While I waited, <strong>the</strong> wea<strong>the</strong>r changed around me: it grew darker and mist<br />
rose from <strong>the</strong> low, vacant ground along side of <strong>the</strong> highway. The mist<br />
thickened into fog, with <strong>the</strong> flashing red and blue lights changing <strong>the</strong><br />
color of <strong>the</strong> atmosphere, so that it seemed, by intermittent seconds, that I<br />
lived in ei<strong>the</strong>r an all red or an all blue limbo. I wondered what it would<br />
look like through 3-D glasses. Probably <strong>the</strong> same, or maybe only normal.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 91
THE PHANTOM COALITION<br />
Finally, <strong>the</strong> policeman got out of his car, walked up to <strong>the</strong> side of<br />
my window. I already had it open and was holding out my driver’s license<br />
and proof of insurance, but <strong>the</strong> policeman didn’t take it, didn’t even look<br />
at it.<br />
Instead, he looked me in <strong>the</strong> eye and said: “We just want you to<br />
know this isn’t a game, Mr. Baillie. We are not kidding around.”<br />
Then he handed me a piece of paper and left. I looked at <strong>the</strong><br />
paper. It was not ticket. It was ano<strong>the</strong>r note. It read:<br />
“Dear Mr. Baillie,<br />
As <strong>the</strong> officer may have told you, this is not a game. We<br />
are quite serious about all of this and frankly, are not in<br />
<strong>the</strong> habit of <strong>the</strong> sort mercy we have so recently exercised<br />
in your particular case. Believe us, leaving people with<br />
train tickets home is not our usual practice and we do<br />
not mind telling you now that <strong>the</strong>re was much internal<br />
debate on <strong>the</strong> matter. You were one vote shy of having<br />
your body dismembered and scattered about in drainage<br />
ditches thought out <strong>the</strong> tri-state area. If everyone from<br />
<strong>the</strong> Extreme Liquidations Department had shown up for<br />
<strong>the</strong> meeting that day things would likely have gone very<br />
differently for you.<br />
If we are to continue to extend this mercy—however illadvised—we<br />
will require just this from you: forget about<br />
us. Do not inquire after us. Do not try to find us. The<br />
world is a large and mysterious place, Mr. Baillie, and<br />
you must learn to accept that fact. You cannot know <strong>the</strong><br />
machinery that runs our civilization and it is unwise to<br />
want to. In <strong>the</strong> same way that you were born without<br />
understanding <strong>the</strong> dimensions of your womb or <strong>the</strong><br />
sufferings of your mo<strong>the</strong>r, in <strong>the</strong> same way you live your<br />
life now without a constant conscious awareness of it’s<br />
inevitable ending, we ask you to go along with your<br />
existence without a thought to us, who we are, and what<br />
function we play in your life and <strong>the</strong> universe in general.<br />
We do not wish to call ano<strong>the</strong>r meeting<br />
We thank you in advance for your cooperation in this<br />
matter.<br />
92
GRANT BAILIE<br />
Sincerely,<br />
The Phantom Coalition”<br />
I folded up <strong>the</strong> letter. The police car was gone, <strong>the</strong> fog lifted. I<br />
drove home, kissed my wife at <strong>the</strong> door, pretended to be a horse for my<br />
twin sons and rode <strong>the</strong>m at a full gallop between <strong>the</strong> kitchen and <strong>the</strong><br />
living room again and again until my back and knees ached and my<br />
hands were worn raw.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 93
THE PHANTOM COALITION<br />
94
Lome Togo-Me Mongo<br />
By Dege Legg<br />
Around <strong>the</strong> world, online fraud through use of e-mail is one of <strong>the</strong> fastest<br />
growing types of cons being used by criminals. One of <strong>the</strong> most popular<br />
scams is known under a few different names: <strong>the</strong> “419 Fraud” (after <strong>the</strong><br />
criminal code this type of scam falls under in Nigerian law), <strong>the</strong> “Advance<br />
Fee Fraud” or <strong>the</strong> “Nigerian Connection” (as it’s known in Europe). It<br />
consists of a subject, posing as a mid-level authority from a West African<br />
country, who has somehow come across a large sum of money — usually<br />
in <strong>the</strong> millions — and this money, because of some distant relative, can be<br />
yours.<br />
You’ve seen <strong>the</strong>m. Deleted <strong>the</strong>m. And <strong>the</strong>n deleted <strong>the</strong>m again.<br />
Out of perverse curiosity and boredom, I opened an e-mail<br />
account under <strong>the</strong> name “Frank Reno” (it sounded Gordon Gekko-ish)<br />
and posed as a big time, investment banker-type, hoping to lure one of<br />
<strong>the</strong>se conmen into a dialogue. Not all of <strong>the</strong>m answered, probably<br />
because I came straight out of <strong>the</strong> gate, throwing nutty stuff at <strong>the</strong>m. I<br />
gradually modified my technique, and it didn’t take long for a man<br />
named “Barrister Jim Hassan” to bite.<br />
The following is <strong>the</strong> complete correspondence of me (Frank<br />
Reno) and one of <strong>the</strong> Nigerian Scam guys (Barrister Jim Hassan), which<br />
lasted from July 5, 2005 to Oct. 11, 2005.<br />
Obviously, <strong>the</strong> King’s English is not this guy’s first language,<br />
and his e-mails are reproduced here in all <strong>the</strong>ir confused glory.<br />
JULY 5, 2005<br />
JIM HASSAN ADVOCAT,<br />
52D RUE DE FRANCE<br />
LOME -TOGO.<br />
WEST AFRICA.<br />
ATTN/PLS,<br />
I am Barrister Jim Hassan, a solicitor in law, personal attorney to Mr.<br />
S.A Reno, a national of your country, who used to work with Shell<br />
development Company in Lome Togo. Here in after shall be referred to<br />
as my client. On <strong>the</strong> 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and <strong>the</strong>ir only<br />
daughter were involved in a car accident along Nouvissi express Road.<br />
All occupants of <strong>the</strong> vehicle unfortunately lost <strong>the</strong>ir lives. Since<br />
<strong>the</strong>n I have made several enquiries to your embassy here to locate any of<br />
my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After<br />
96
DEGE LEGG<br />
<strong>the</strong>se several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over<br />
<strong>the</strong> Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.<br />
However, I contacted you to assist in repatriating <strong>the</strong> fund<br />
valued at US $5.5 million left behind by my client before it gets<br />
confiscated or declared unserviceable by <strong>the</strong> IBA BANK where this huge<br />
amount were deposited. The said IBA BANK LOME TOGO has issued<br />
me a notice to provide <strong>the</strong> next of kin or have his account confiscated<br />
within <strong>the</strong> next twenty-one official working days.<br />
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating <strong>the</strong> relatives for over 2<br />
years now, I seek <strong>the</strong> consent to present you as <strong>the</strong> next of kin to <strong>the</strong><br />
deceased since you have <strong>the</strong> same last names, so that <strong>the</strong> proceeds of this<br />
account can be paid to you. Therefore, on receipt of your positive<br />
response, we shall <strong>the</strong>n discuss <strong>the</strong> sharing ratio and modalities for<br />
transfer.<br />
I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to<br />
back you up for claim. All I require from you is your honest cooperation<br />
to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be<br />
executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any<br />
breach of <strong>the</strong> law.<br />
Best regards.<br />
Barrister Jim Hassan.<br />
JULY 6, 2005<br />
Dear Barrister Hassan,<br />
I am a businessman and financial consultant involved in various state and<br />
trust corporations. I have 20 years experience in <strong>the</strong> appropriation of<br />
committees for funds and trustworthiness.<br />
First off, I’m sorry to hear about <strong>the</strong> car accident. Send my<br />
“certified condolences” out to your client’s family.<br />
Secondly, I am very interested in your offer of $5.5 million<br />
dollars. This money of which you speak I could use this money.<br />
Currently, I am experiencing some small financial difficulties that could<br />
easily be rect-o-fied by your offer.<br />
In short, let’s do business. Send me instructions and all<br />
attendant information needed for us to get this transaction to happen.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 97
LOME TOGO-ME MONGO<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Frank W. Reno<br />
Viceroy of Securities & Trust<br />
Louisiana Bank & Trustitude<br />
JULY 13, 2005<br />
JIM HASSAN ADVOCAT,<br />
Attn: Frank W. Reno,<br />
Greetings, Thanks For Your Urgent Response, But It Has Come to Be<br />
Very Necessary I Educate You a Bit on <strong>the</strong> Next of Kinship as Attainable<br />
in <strong>the</strong> Legal and Banking Policy here my country and <strong>the</strong> Globally at<br />
large.<br />
You See, Next of Kinship is Not Limited to Relations of <strong>the</strong><br />
Deceased, Nor is it Confided to <strong>the</strong> Circuit of Parental Relationship,<br />
Ra<strong>the</strong>r it is By Choice of <strong>the</strong> Benefactor as Regards to Whom He Wish<br />
to WILL it to (Beneficiary) Ei<strong>the</strong>r Formally By Write Up, Or Informally<br />
By Secret Information Disclosure to Beneficiary be Him/Her Business<br />
Partner, Relation, Kinsmen, Or Friends or Well Wishers.<br />
Therefore By Virtue of <strong>the</strong> Above Stated, You can Claim to Be<br />
<strong>the</strong> Next of Kin of <strong>the</strong> Deceased as My Legal Chambers was directed by<br />
<strong>the</strong> Bank to locate relatives of LATE ENGINEER “SMITH A.RENO,”<br />
Hence on Your Acceptance to This, I Will Communicate to You <strong>the</strong><br />
CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION of <strong>the</strong> Deceased as Contained in<br />
My Security LAW File Diskette of <strong>the</strong> legal office, So That on Your<br />
Readiness to Forward Claim Application to <strong>the</strong> Bank, I Will Direct You<br />
and Reveal to You <strong>the</strong> Necessary Information Which You Will Enclose<br />
in Your Application to <strong>the</strong> Bank.<br />
Therefore on Correspondence of Bank Confidential Information<br />
With What are contained in Your Application to <strong>the</strong>m, They Have No<br />
Alternative O<strong>the</strong>r than to Release <strong>the</strong> Fund to Your bank account as<br />
next of kin to LATE ENGINEER SMITH A.RENO. Believing You that<br />
You that let me down in this transaction as I trusted You before<br />
contacting on <strong>the</strong> very business that only honesty and trustwhorthiness<br />
between me and you. You are <strong>the</strong> Next of Kin, As he Has No One for this<br />
inheritance Claim and his bank has been calling on my office to produce<br />
<strong>the</strong> next of kin.<br />
98
DEGE LEGG<br />
Having a relation here or not is not a problem as next of kin can<br />
come from ei<strong>the</strong>r <strong>the</strong> mo<strong>the</strong>r side or fa<strong>the</strong>r side. This is a 100 business<br />
that I called You in for and by using <strong>the</strong> test of names given to this legal<br />
Chambers by IBA-BANK OF AFRICA -LOME REPUBLIC TOGO to<br />
know if we can locate a relation LATE ENGINEER SMITH A.RENO<br />
and I choose you as <strong>the</strong> next of kin.<br />
Note that this is business and I want us to share this money<br />
among us in this very virgin year we are in as <strong>the</strong> bank has called on my<br />
legal office to present <strong>the</strong> next of kin to late Engr. Bawles and I don’t<br />
want to allow few bank directors in Ecobank to lay <strong>the</strong>ir hands on this<br />
money. If I fail to provide <strong>the</strong> next of kin to LATE ENGINEER SMITH<br />
A.RENO that will lead <strong>the</strong> money to go as a lost fund. God made<br />
everything and His directions is what lead’s me to contact you on this<br />
issue. we can save this money with your foreign assistance to me.<br />
There is no risk in this business and note its a legal law<br />
chambers that contacted you on this very issue. Please, With <strong>the</strong> Above<br />
Explanations, I believe You Can Now Observe How Safe it is For You to<br />
Get involved in this Mutual Beneficial Transaction, Therefore I Request<br />
You Declare Your Interest Immediately For <strong>the</strong> Fund Claim and<br />
Transfer Directives to You.<br />
You Are The Right Person Which I Directed This Letter To For<br />
A Mutual Business Benefit. Confirm your private telephone contact to<br />
me for easy communication. I will do that as soon as I hear from you.<br />
Awaiting Your Immediate Response.<br />
Thanks,<br />
Barrister Jim Hassan<br />
JULY 19, 2005<br />
Jim,<br />
You’re telling me a lot of info, but not saying much. Although I’m a<br />
highly efficient machine of professional professionalization, I sneeze<br />
$100 bills. I absolutely detest discussing <strong>the</strong> specifics of any business<br />
transaction in legal terminology. Yawn. It is boring, sir. I’m a simple<br />
man, Jima Cowboy. I was born in Texas and rode Holstein cows in <strong>the</strong><br />
Great Cattle Baron Wars of ’82 and lost a finger in that war. I’m<br />
nobody’s fool. So let’s talk numbers.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 99
LOME TOGO-ME MONGO<br />
Also, I must inform you that any “LOME TOGO-ME MONGO<br />
CASH THING” that we may be involved in had better be on <strong>the</strong> “up and<br />
up.” You’d better not be trying no Togo-Pogo bullcrap, son. If that would<br />
be <strong>the</strong> case, you’re in for a world of pain. Be warned! I know 16 different<br />
types of karate-wrestling moves. All of <strong>the</strong>m can be summoned within<br />
seconds from <strong>the</strong> “man traps” that I call my hands.<br />
You asked for my personal phone number. I will send it soon as<br />
we establish an adequate level of “trustworthy trustiness.”<br />
In <strong>the</strong> United States, we have a little thing called <strong>the</strong> “Lou<br />
Diamond-Phillips Trust Bond.” American Professionals, when dealing in<br />
International Affairs, use it in standard operating procedure and this<br />
situation is no different. Keeps everybody honest.<br />
Therefore, before we conduct any additional business, I’m going<br />
to have to ask you to send $500 to <strong>the</strong> following address:<br />
Diamond-Phillips Trust Bond Association<br />
C/O Frank Reno<br />
XXX East Vermillion apt. X<br />
Lafayette, LA 70501 (United States of America)<br />
Well-concealed cash (wrap it in tinfoil) or money order will do<br />
fine. After <strong>the</strong> security bond is received, we’ll get down to business, my<br />
friend. And we’ll be making a lot of money with future transactions,<br />
because I’ve got a few o<strong>the</strong>r business opportunities for you on <strong>the</strong> side,<br />
but keep that a secret. Nobody needs to be knowing about how rich <strong>the</strong><br />
two of us will be getting with all <strong>the</strong> things I’m going to do with you, my<br />
bro<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Frank Reno<br />
Viceroy of Securities & Trust<br />
JULY 21, 2005<br />
Dear Franks.<br />
Thanks very much for your kind gesture. My good bro<strong>the</strong>r Franks I now<br />
know that you want to do this deal with me. But my dear friend for me to<br />
send $500 <strong>the</strong>re’s no way to do that. This money is in <strong>the</strong> bank. I cannot<br />
pull it out from <strong>the</strong> bank without processing it to your bank account in<br />
your country. If you want to do this deal with me tell me, <strong>the</strong>n I will go<br />
100
DEGE LEGG<br />
to high court and get <strong>the</strong> text from you to fill in and forward it to <strong>the</strong><br />
bank for urgent processing of this fund. Ok?<br />
Thanks and consider and get back to me.<br />
Jim Hassan.<br />
JULY 21, 2005<br />
Dear Jims,<br />
OK, forget <strong>the</strong> $500. I’m breaking <strong>the</strong> No. 1 Rule of Transactional Law,<br />
over here, but I suppose I can risk it just this once, but only once will I<br />
deviate from <strong>the</strong> Standard Operating Procedure of Honorable American<br />
Business Machinations.<br />
You’re really putting me in a “bad place,” Jims. Really bad. And<br />
it’s unfortunate on your part because things have been going really good<br />
here at Money Bags Inc. I mean, really good. Lot of money coming in<br />
and I’ve got a surplus of DISPOSABLE INCOME sitting in trash bags<br />
waiting to be invested in your business proposal.<br />
Out of <strong>the</strong> goodness of my heart, I want to help you.<br />
Looking forward to hearing your reply,<br />
Frank Reno<br />
Viceroy of Securities and Trust<br />
JULY 23, 2005<br />
Attn: Frank Reno (Viceroy of securities and trust)<br />
Thank you so much for getting back to me and for your interest in this<br />
transaction. When I came across your contact something in me told me<br />
that you might be someone to be trusted but in as much as my instinct<br />
hardly fails me, I have not chosen you yet until I am sure that I can trust<br />
You. Based on that, I wish that you give me your word of honor by <strong>the</strong><br />
under-listed points in this mail.<br />
Please, can you give me your word of honor by <strong>the</strong> following<br />
points stated below?<br />
They are thus:<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 101
LOME TOGO-ME MONGO<br />
1. That you will not cheat me during <strong>the</strong> course of this<br />
transaction.<br />
2. My own share of <strong>the</strong> money will be in your safe keep until I<br />
come over to your country for sharing and fur<strong>the</strong>r investment.<br />
3. That you will keep this transaction very confidential even<br />
from your best friend for safety of both parties.<br />
4. That you will forward to me your contact information for easy<br />
communication between <strong>the</strong> both parties.<br />
5. That you shall always contact me whenever you get<br />
information from <strong>the</strong> bank so that we will put heads toge<strong>the</strong>r as one<br />
family and get this transaction consummated successfully.<br />
This transaction will only take about 11 bank working days or<br />
less for <strong>the</strong> money to be transferred into your account. But as soon as<br />
your application is approved and a funding deposit from you is made,<br />
<strong>the</strong>n it will take about 2 days and <strong>the</strong> money will be in your account.<br />
As soon as I get your positive response to this my mail I will<br />
forward to you <strong>the</strong> payment application form, which you will fill and fax<br />
it to <strong>the</strong> bank for immediately action from <strong>the</strong> bank.<br />
God bless you.<br />
Barrister Jim Hassan<br />
I Need This Guarantee.<br />
JULY 24, 2005<br />
Attn: Jim (Barrister Man)<br />
Now I feel good about <strong>the</strong> relationship. I’m still a little suspicious about<br />
this whole business, but my Jesterton-2000/Gut Instinct Lie Detector is<br />
telling me good stuff about you, my friend Jim.<br />
Here is my reply to your list of demands:<br />
1. That you will not cheat me during <strong>the</strong> course of this<br />
transaction.<br />
My friend Jim, I’m deeply insulted that you would even say such<br />
a thing. After all <strong>the</strong> stuff we’ve been through toge<strong>the</strong>r?? Let’s have no<br />
more of <strong>the</strong>se accusations. Let us now, shake hands, across <strong>the</strong> borders of<br />
peace and lawful transactions. Let’s create a verbal cue so that each of us<br />
102
DEGE LEGG<br />
truly KNOWS who we are talking to in our correspondence. From this<br />
point on, you will know it is I when I greet you with <strong>the</strong> secret<br />
appellation: “Captain Mustache” (as you will be known). And you can<br />
greet me as: “Monsignor Carbuncle.”<br />
2. My own share of <strong>the</strong> money will be in your safe keep until I<br />
come over to your country for sharing and fur<strong>the</strong>r investment.<br />
Agreed. I’ll keep your money in my Giganto-saurus 7000 Vault<br />
Safe with <strong>the</strong> special spring-loaded action bolt (with mnemonic valves)!<br />
3. That you will keep this transaction very confidential even<br />
from your best friend for safety of both parties.<br />
(silence) ... No need; I am Zen Master of Quiet Rumblings.<br />
4. That you will forward to me your contact information for easy<br />
communication between <strong>the</strong> both parties.<br />
Consider it done, Captain Mustache, sir!<br />
5. That you shall always contact me whenever you get<br />
information from <strong>the</strong> bank so that we will put heads toge<strong>the</strong>r as one<br />
family and get this transaction consummated successfully.<br />
Family’s <strong>the</strong> name-o-<strong>the</strong>-game, Jims. I got Texas Ranger Blood<br />
in me. Our two heads toge<strong>the</strong>r will, indeed, make <strong>the</strong> transaction<br />
consummate.<br />
Now, what I need you to do is send me <strong>the</strong> details of exactly what<br />
you need me to do next. And don’t do it in one of <strong>the</strong>m fancy six-sheetto-<strong>the</strong>-Devil’s-wind<br />
emails of yours. Keep it short and sweet. Plain.<br />
Simple.<br />
Bust it,<br />
Frank Reno (aka “Monsignor Carbuncle”)<br />
Viceroy of Securities & Trust<br />
JULY 25, 2005<br />
Attn: Frank Reno.<br />
Viceroy of Securities<br />
Thanks for your mail and all I want to ask from you is honesty and pure<br />
trust that this fund will be very saved in your hands as <strong>the</strong> bank remits<br />
<strong>the</strong> inheritance fund into your bank account as next of kin to LATE<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 103
LOME TOGO-ME MONGO<br />
ENGINEER SMITH A. RENO. All you have to do now is to fill <strong>the</strong><br />
transfer fund application and fax and also by email to <strong>the</strong> bank foreign<br />
remittance department for more formal concern and fast response to<br />
transfer this fund into your bank a/c.<br />
Fur<strong>the</strong>rmore, keep me informed as soon as you fax your<br />
application to <strong>the</strong> bank and also send <strong>the</strong> application by email too for a<br />
sign of urgency from your side and make sure you get in touch with me.<br />
The bank will contact you in respect of <strong>the</strong> fund application that you<br />
send to <strong>the</strong>ir office.<br />
I expect your immediate response.<br />
Thanks<br />
Barrister Jim Hassan<br />
JULY 27, 2005<br />
Attn: The Jim,<br />
Greetings, Captain Mustache! (See? Now you know it’s me.) I noticed<br />
you did not address me as “Monsignor Carbuncle” in your email. How<br />
can I be sure this is actually YOU???<br />
I thought we had an agreement! You would be Captain Mustache<br />
and I would be Monsignor Carbuncle! Oh, this is making me nervous,<br />
my friend if indeed this is you I’m talking to and not someone else!<br />
This could be a trap! I’m nobody’s fool. Write me back when you<br />
decide you can stick to your agreement of secrecy! Until <strong>the</strong>n, YOU<br />
GET NOTHING! N-O-T-H-I-N-G!<br />
And I say good day to you, Sir! Good day!<br />
Terribly upset and slightly paranoid,<br />
Frank Reno<br />
Viceroy of Securities & Trust<br />
*m.o.n.s.i.g.n.o.r.<br />
JULY 27, 2005<br />
Dear Monsignor Carbuncle Frank.<br />
I am not again sure what you mean or why you get angry but I am<br />
trying to conduct serious business with you. The email is very secure<br />
104
DEGE LEGG<br />
and <strong>the</strong>re is no need more for of <strong>the</strong> captain names. Do I remind you that<br />
<strong>the</strong>re are $5 million dollars that we are going to transact? I understand<br />
you could be scared but we are only part of way through this process so<br />
please stop with games and fears, my dearest Frank.<br />
Thanks for your mail and keep me informed as you send <strong>the</strong> fund<br />
application to <strong>the</strong> bank. Have you send <strong>the</strong> text from to bank? This must<br />
be done soon.<br />
Thanks<br />
Barrister Jim<br />
JULY 30, 2005<br />
Dear Barrister Jim,<br />
OK, OK. I will try to understand your methods of doing business.<br />
Perhaps <strong>the</strong>y are a little unorthodox compared to that in <strong>the</strong> U.S.A.<br />
(Home of <strong>the</strong> Brave). I am currently in <strong>the</strong> process of filling out <strong>the</strong> paper<br />
work.<br />
Also, I’ve been very busy at Securities and Trust Inc. I work<br />
hard. My job requires an extraordinary of my time, but I get paid VERY<br />
WELL for my duties. However, it has taken a toll on my health. Since<br />
August of last year, I’ve been forced by my employers to take a<br />
prescription drug that causes extreme dizziness, out of body experiences,<br />
and sudden fits of swearing and obscenities. Please be patient with me.<br />
I’m rich, but have health problems YOU SCUM-SUCKING PIECE OF<br />
RAT TRASH!!!<br />
OK, I am off to work on <strong>the</strong> paperwork.<br />
Frank Reno<br />
Viceroy<br />
AUGUST 1, 2005<br />
Dear Partner,<br />
Thanks for you and your job and health. Keep me informed as you send<br />
<strong>the</strong> application. Thanks and please don’t delay this fund transfer process.<br />
Barrister Jim<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 105
LOME TOGO-ME MONGO<br />
AUGUST 1, 2005<br />
Jim,<br />
OK, I faxed <strong>the</strong> info and application to <strong>the</strong> bank. I even put an urgent<br />
“Snuffulufagus Rammstein” on <strong>the</strong> bank application so it would go<br />
through faster. It cost me an extra $25. That will have to come out of<br />
your end of <strong>the</strong> proceeds, but that’s OK.<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Viceroy Frank<br />
Viceroy of Securities & Trust<br />
AUGUST 2, 2005<br />
Dear Viceroy Frank.<br />
Thanks for your mail and please I advice that you re-fax <strong>the</strong> application<br />
to <strong>the</strong> bank and also send by email to <strong>the</strong> bank for more urgency from<br />
your side. This is because I went to <strong>the</strong> bank to confirm that you fax <strong>the</strong><br />
application to <strong>the</strong> bank. The bank informed me that <strong>the</strong>y are yet to<br />
receive your fax. so re-fax <strong>the</strong> application and send by email also.<br />
Thanks<br />
Barrister Jim.<br />
AUGUST 5, 2005<br />
Dear Barrister Jim,<br />
Fax. Fax. Fax. Is that all you think about? Faxes? I sent <strong>the</strong> damn thing<br />
two days ago!<br />
I’ve got important business to tend to and can’t be messing<br />
around with your sorry Barrister butt forever. Let’s get moving! I’m<br />
feeling greedy! Let’s go. Move it! Let’s get this thing rolling. Maybe your<br />
bank’s fax machine is broken and doesn’t know how to receive American<br />
faxes from Scrontological 3000L fax machines? Did you think about<br />
that? My fax is working, I just checked it.<br />
Check with your bank. You’re probably out <strong>the</strong>re SIPPING<br />
WINE FROM A COCONUT ON A BEACH IN POGOVILLE!<br />
Frank<br />
Viceroy of Securities & Trust<br />
106
DEGE LEGG<br />
AUGUST 8, 2005<br />
Dear Frank.<br />
How are you doing today? Listen, my dear bro<strong>the</strong>r, I don’t know what is<br />
really going on over this very business because you have told me that you<br />
have sent <strong>the</strong> text form to <strong>the</strong> bank. Your behavior is erratic. But just<br />
about one and half-hour ago, <strong>the</strong> bank called me and told me that you<br />
have not sent any form to bank. If really you want do this business with<br />
me, kindly send <strong>the</strong> form to <strong>the</strong> bank for <strong>the</strong>m to start processing this<br />
fund into your bank account.<br />
Please try, my bro<strong>the</strong>r, to stop delaying this transaction.<br />
Thanks and would like to hear from you.<br />
Jim Hassan<br />
At this point in our correspondence, Jim e-mailed me a bank form. I filled<br />
it with false info and sent it back to him and <strong>the</strong> e-mail address of his<br />
bank.<br />
AUGUST 8, 2005<br />
Dear Jim,<br />
Here’s <strong>the</strong> form with all <strong>the</strong> attendant info o<strong>the</strong>r than my fax, which is<br />
broken. I hope you’re happy now. You’re starting to get on my nerves.<br />
Now get to work on making our million-dollar transaction go through.<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Frank Reno<br />
Viceroy of Securities & Trustiness<br />
AUGUST 9, 2005<br />
Dear Frank.<br />
Thank you very much for your mail. Listen, I advise you to send it<br />
through E-mail that I gave to you in that Text Form.<br />
Please stop delay my Good Bro<strong>the</strong>r Frank.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 107
LOME TOGO-ME MONGO<br />
Thanks.<br />
Jim Hassan<br />
AUGUST 9, 2005<br />
Dear Jim,<br />
Slow your roll, player. I already sent your form off! Now go work your<br />
magic.<br />
I’ve been having a very busy week. Last Thursday, I nearly<br />
chopped off my big toe, trying to sand <strong>the</strong> corn off my right foot. Thing<br />
hurts like hellfire now; both <strong>the</strong> corn and <strong>the</strong> toe, thank you. In addition,<br />
my wife is now threatening to divorce me on grounds that I’ve “failed to<br />
satisfactorily meet <strong>the</strong> expectations of a non-scientist.” I don’t know<br />
what that means, but if you’ve got any idea, let me know. As you can see,<br />
I’ve been quite busy, juggling madness with two pitchforks and a salad<br />
shooter, so you’ll have to excuse me if I’m a little slow in keeping up <strong>the</strong><br />
pace with our business dealings. But I do have good news: I sent off <strong>the</strong><br />
application form, once again, to your bank this morning. All information<br />
included o<strong>the</strong>r than fax ... I broke that thing over <strong>the</strong> head of one of my<br />
subordinates, last week, for insubordinizing. Don’t ask. The guy’s a lazy<br />
pervert. He’d hooked a French Horn up to an air-compressor, in <strong>the</strong><br />
parking lot, and was making “World War III sounds.” Some truly awful<br />
noises.<br />
None<strong>the</strong>less, I should have <strong>the</strong> fax machine replaced within a<br />
week. So, to quote <strong>the</strong> famous British poet, Gavin Rossdale, and to sum<br />
up this weeks parade of shenanigans, “There must be something that we<br />
can eat, maybe find ano<strong>the</strong>r lover. ... Everything’s Zen? I don’t think so.”<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Frank Reno<br />
The next day I received an e-mail from someone claiming to be from <strong>the</strong><br />
International Bank of Africa.<br />
AUGUST 10, 2005<br />
FROM FROEIGN ACCOUNT DEPARTEMNT<br />
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA<br />
LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO<br />
TELEFAX:00228-222-02-87<br />
108
DEGE LEGG<br />
ATTN: FRANK RENO.<br />
DEAR SIR. 09/08/05<br />
AFTER OUR EXECUTIVE BOARD OF DIRECTORS MEETING<br />
TODAY OVER YOUR FUND INHERITANCE TRANSFER,<br />
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA LOME REPUBLIC OF<br />
TOGO HEREBY INFORMS YOU TO COMPLETELY RE-SEND<br />
YOUR APPLICATION BECAUSE BARRISTER JIM HASSAN HAS<br />
NOTIFIED THE BANK CONCERNING THE APPLICATION<br />
WHICH YOU WILL SEND TO IBA-BANK TOGO.<br />
REGARDS<br />
DR.PAUL EGOM BENSON<br />
FOREIGN REITANCE DIRECTOR(IBA-BANK)<br />
Ref/CC/ Account Section.<br />
AUGUST 19, 2005<br />
Jim,<br />
What <strong>the</strong> hell is going on over <strong>the</strong>re? I’m trying to make some money<br />
and all y’all are doing is messing around with my $5.5 million dollar<br />
inheritance fund. I keep sending you information and you corndogs keep<br />
wussing out. What’s <strong>the</strong> deal?<br />
Where you at, boy? I’m still looking to make some money and I<br />
ain’t heard from you in week. You’d better quit smoking that Tomo Logo<br />
Tobacco or quit doing whatever drugs it is you’re on. You’ve got to get<br />
back over here in <strong>the</strong> REAL WORLD, man! You ain’t gonna make no<br />
money doing that stuff.<br />
Send me an email, Bro<strong>the</strong>r Barrister Jim. I’m waiting on you.<br />
Got a gang of American Cash Dollars sitting in a footlocker with your<br />
name on it.<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Frank Reno<br />
Viceroy of All Securities<br />
AUGUST 25, 2005<br />
Dear Frank,<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 109
LOME TOGO-ME MONGO<br />
I can see that you not a serious man? Bank told me that your account in<br />
<strong>the</strong> United States is not <strong>the</strong>re.<br />
Good by<br />
Jim Hassan.<br />
AUGUST 26, 2005<br />
Dear Jim,<br />
If <strong>the</strong>re’s one thing you should know about me is that I’m as serious as a<br />
damn longhair on I-10, trying to get through Alabama with a fender full<br />
of weed, son! That’s pretty serious. I am highly offended that you would<br />
question my seriousity in this business venture. My bank account, for<br />
your information, is registered under a double-secret process, reserved<br />
for special members of <strong>the</strong> Society of Viceroys that can’t be divulged to<br />
outsiders looking in. If you want in, you got to go through ME and only<br />
I know <strong>the</strong> secret password code!<br />
If you, sir, are serious about releasing <strong>the</strong>se funds, you can reply<br />
to this email, and maybe I’ll consider giving you <strong>the</strong> password to my<br />
personal double-secret bank account.<br />
Seriously,<br />
Frank Reno<br />
Viceroy of Securities & Trust<br />
SEPTEMBER 1, 2005<br />
Dear Frank,<br />
Thanks for your email, I can see that you now want do this transaction<br />
with me. But <strong>the</strong>re is one important thing. I ask that you tell bank here<br />
that you want to re-activate your cousin’s bank account and for <strong>the</strong>m to<br />
transfer <strong>the</strong> money urgently to your account.<br />
Please do this now. Please inform me as soon as you do that my<br />
bro<strong>the</strong>r,<br />
Thanks.<br />
Jim Hassan<br />
SEPTEMBER 6, 2005<br />
110
DEGE LEGG<br />
Dearest Friend Jim,<br />
As you may have seen in <strong>the</strong> news, Louisiana is underwater from <strong>the</strong><br />
devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina. I had a vision <strong>the</strong> night before<br />
<strong>the</strong> hurricane. In it I saw thunderous rains, unholy snakes, and more rain.<br />
Also, I saw towers of silt tumbling into <strong>the</strong> flaxen seaweed ponds. And<br />
many more things which I have not <strong>the</strong> courage to tell you now, for <strong>the</strong>y<br />
are too horrid to repeat.<br />
My bank suffered a terrible amount of damage from <strong>the</strong><br />
hurricane. The computers are down and I will be unable to withdraw or<br />
deposit any money until <strong>the</strong>y are returned to working order.<br />
In <strong>the</strong> meantime, I must ask for a SMALL LOAN from you (or<br />
from <strong>the</strong> account of my cousin Reno whom you keep referring to in your<br />
country) in order to continue <strong>the</strong> progress of our business contract. I<br />
NEED $700 or I may lose control of my assets if I do not file a Whamo-<br />
X/2000 Accounting Statement with my bank within <strong>the</strong> week. In order<br />
to prove <strong>the</strong>se are my bank assets, I need to file this by <strong>the</strong> end of <strong>the</strong><br />
week or I risk losing all of my money and, in turn, our money. The<br />
money we will share when you come to visit this country.<br />
Please, I am begging you, my friend Jim. This is an emergency. I<br />
need your gift of friendship ($700) more than ever now.<br />
Urgently awaiting your reply,<br />
Frank Reno<br />
Viceroy of Securities & Trust<br />
SEPTEMBER 7, 2005<br />
My Good Friend Frank,<br />
I thank you for your mail. Well, my dear friend, I’m very, very sorry for<br />
your story you told me on your letter about <strong>the</strong> hurricane. I am very<br />
sorry about that, but my bro<strong>the</strong>r, I have spend a lot of money on this<br />
very business. I have no money to send to you now. If you want us to get<br />
this money, try and see what you can do to get <strong>the</strong> bank to reactivate<br />
your bank account. For urgent transfer <strong>the</strong> money into your bank<br />
account please try my bro<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
Thanks<br />
Hassan<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 111
LOME TOGO-ME MONGO<br />
SEPTEMBER 12, 2005<br />
Jim,<br />
You’re just going to leave me out here, like this?? With my bank funds<br />
taken away and my cousin’s money in a Lego Bank and you on <strong>the</strong> beach<br />
eating coconuts! The nerve you have, my old friend. After all <strong>the</strong> stuff<br />
we’ve been through?! All this time we’ve known each o<strong>the</strong>r?! And you’re<br />
going to sell me out, just like that?<br />
MAY THE GODS OF FIDUCIARY CAPITAL AND<br />
INTERNATIONAL COMMERCE STRIKE YOU DOWN!!!!!<br />
Not next month! Not next Wednesday! NOW!!!<br />
Jim Hassan, you are a Bad Man!<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Frank Reno<br />
Viceroy of Securities,<br />
Trust, & Fiduciary Responsibility<br />
On October 11, I received <strong>the</strong> following e-mail from Yahoo Mail,<br />
informing me that Jim Hassan’s account had been terminated.<br />
OCTOBER 11, 2005<br />
Warning!<br />
The person that was using this email address is a scammer and thief, one<br />
of <strong>the</strong> worst persons of our society. Do not send him any money, if you<br />
have, immediately attempt to cancel <strong>the</strong> payment. If you have lost money,<br />
contact your local law enforcement for your next actions. More<br />
information about cybercrime:<br />
http://www.scam-watcher.org/<br />
http://www.419legal.org<br />
http://www.ifccfbi.gov/index.asp<br />
http://www.aa419.org/content/links.php<br />
Just for kicks, because I no longer had anyone to write, I wrote back <strong>the</strong><br />
Yahoo People who’d shut down his account.<br />
112
DEGE LEGG<br />
Dear Sir or Madam:<br />
I’m Frank Reno, baby. Never make <strong>the</strong> mistake of thinking that bozo Jim<br />
Hassan was scamming me when in fact I was conducting a non-official<br />
sting, counter-scam operation of my own construction TO SCAM HIM.<br />
“Fighting Spam with Ham,” I call it.<br />
Regards,<br />
Frank Reno<br />
Viceroy for <strong>the</strong> Protection of <strong>the</strong> Common Man<br />
Lafayette, Louisiana<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 113
LOME TOGO-ME MONGO<br />
114
Shopping With The Vietcong<br />
By Todd Taylor<br />
“We’re so pretty, oh so pretty...vacant”-Johnny Rotten.<br />
I was sitting watching morning cartoons when my Dad came out <strong>the</strong><br />
bedroom. My Mom had already gone to work and I had <strong>the</strong> day off from<br />
school because it was a Teachers In-Service Holiday. This meant <strong>the</strong><br />
teachers and school officials had meetings all day and <strong>the</strong> kids stayed<br />
home. My Dad was sweaty and stinky, as usual. He wore a plain white t-<br />
shirt and baggy jeans. He went into <strong>the</strong> kitchen, got a glass of water, and<br />
sat down at our cheap dinette set. We lived in government housing in<br />
Oak Cliff in <strong>the</strong> 1970s, so our furnishings were hand-me downs from<br />
relatives or garage sale finds.<br />
He grabbed a pad and paper and began writing as he drank his<br />
water. I noticed his hand shook slightly as he wrote. It was just ano<strong>the</strong>r<br />
one of his barbiturate hangovers.<br />
“Todd, we need to go to <strong>the</strong> grocery store.”<br />
A feeling of dread sunk in. I had walked to <strong>the</strong> store with my<br />
Dad before and I just never knew what to expect. My mom had <strong>the</strong> only<br />
car, so walking was <strong>the</strong> only option. Besides, <strong>the</strong> local Kroger was only a<br />
few blocks away. The last time I had to go grocery shopping with Dad,<br />
about two months ago during <strong>the</strong> summer, he got very nervous and<br />
shaky and insisted we go back home just as we were about to step into<br />
Kroger’s parking lot. A helicopter had flown over and he freaked out.<br />
My Dad had been in and out mental hospitals my entire life. I<br />
was only eight, but he managed to make quite a few of <strong>the</strong>m even up to<br />
that point in my life. The first was when he was in <strong>the</strong> Army. He tried to<br />
run away from his basic training at Tiger Land down in <strong>the</strong> swamps of<br />
Louisiana, ending up in <strong>the</strong> brig <strong>the</strong>n a nuthouse in Kansas. Tiger Land<br />
is where you were sent to train for <strong>the</strong> infantry in Vietnam. Ever since<br />
<strong>the</strong>n, he had had severe mental problems. He had some mental problems<br />
before going into <strong>the</strong> Army, but <strong>the</strong> Army experience aggravated <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
That’s why most of <strong>the</strong> time he was unemployed and spent days locked in<br />
my parents’ bedroom taking drugs and sleeping.<br />
“Come on Todd, put on your coat, we need to go.”<br />
I sighed and went and got my coat off <strong>the</strong> rack by <strong>the</strong> door. My<br />
dad did <strong>the</strong> same and off we went. We made it about two blocks down <strong>the</strong><br />
116
TODD TAYLOR<br />
side streets when suddenly my Dad froze. We never took <strong>the</strong> main street<br />
by our apartment. The busy traffic fucked with <strong>the</strong> old man’s head too<br />
much.<br />
“You see that,” he said with panic in his voice, pointing over at<br />
some flashing sunlight coming off a distant house.<br />
“Yeah,” I replied, having been through this drill before.<br />
I knew that if I tried to tell him it was just sunlight reflections,<br />
he’d get mad and more panicked, so I learned to play along. I didn’t want<br />
to hear for <strong>the</strong> thousandth time how I didn’t have his training and didn’t<br />
know how to spot <strong>the</strong> enemy when <strong>the</strong>y were in our mists.<br />
He grabbed my hand, and we hid behind some nearby trees, with<br />
my Dad checking <strong>the</strong> distant house ever so often for enemy movement.<br />
After about ten minutes, my Dad whispered that it was all right to<br />
journey on. We were lucky because for <strong>the</strong> rest of our trip to Kroger, Dad<br />
didn’t spot any more VC or NVA.<br />
We entered Kroger, got our grocery cart, and headed<br />
immediately for <strong>the</strong> produce. There my Dad picked out a few tomatoes,<br />
celery, and apples. From <strong>the</strong>re we hit <strong>the</strong> spice aisle. As we rounded <strong>the</strong><br />
corner I knew we were in for a problem. There was an Asian lady<br />
comparing <strong>the</strong> prices on paprika. My dad began to sweat profusely and<br />
was frozen for a few minutes. I prayed <strong>the</strong> Asian lady wouldn’t notice my<br />
weirdo Dad and me and call <strong>the</strong> manager over or something. I had to<br />
think fast, so I grabbed my Dad’s hand and pulled him down so I could<br />
whisper in his ear.<br />
“Dad, we forgot that French bread you wanted, I’ll get <strong>the</strong> basil<br />
and black pepper and meet you with <strong>the</strong> cart over at <strong>the</strong> bread aisle.”<br />
My Dad nodded, straightened up and walked stiffly out of <strong>the</strong><br />
spice aisle, never turning his back on <strong>the</strong> Asian lady. When Dad was out<br />
of sight, I went up to where <strong>the</strong> basil and black pepper were and quickly<br />
grabbed one of each. The Asian lady gave me a faint smile that I<br />
returned.<br />
Finally, I met up with Dad in <strong>the</strong> bread aisle. He was standing<br />
<strong>the</strong>re with a French loaf staring off into space. I told him to give me <strong>the</strong><br />
money and wait outside. I’d pay and meet him with <strong>the</strong> groceries. He<br />
nodded and stiffly walked outside. I paid for <strong>the</strong> food and grabbed <strong>the</strong><br />
grocery sack and left. Dad was at <strong>the</strong> far end of <strong>the</strong> building having a<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 117
SHOPPING WITH THE VIETCONG<br />
smoke. He seemed like he had recovered a little from his panic attack. We<br />
made it <strong>the</strong> rest of <strong>the</strong> way home without incident.<br />
When we arrived home, I flipped <strong>the</strong> TV on as Dad put away <strong>the</strong><br />
groceries. There was a news broadcast from Vietnam on. I immediately<br />
changed <strong>the</strong> channel over to a Star Trek re-run. I never liked watching<br />
<strong>the</strong> news anyway, and nei<strong>the</strong>r did my Dad.<br />
The next few months were very quiet. I went to school. My Dad<br />
slept or did some occasional cooking. He was very good with Sou<strong>the</strong>rn<br />
Home Cooking and Italian dishes. Sometimes he even made his own<br />
noodles from scratch from flour and water, precisely rolling each noodle<br />
by hand. My Mom worked her secretary job at <strong>the</strong> City of Dallas<br />
providing <strong>the</strong> much-needed funds we needed for survival. I occasionally<br />
got odd jobs helping <strong>the</strong> disabled vets upstairs with <strong>the</strong>ir groceries for<br />
some loose change.<br />
In <strong>the</strong> summer of 1976, roughly 9 months after <strong>the</strong> Shopping<br />
Incident described above, my Dad’s sister came to stay with us for <strong>the</strong><br />
summer. She was just 18 and had graduated high school in Texarkana<br />
and wanted to see <strong>the</strong> big city – Dallas. She got a job at Target working<br />
in <strong>the</strong> stockroom and all went well for a while. My Dad’s bro<strong>the</strong>r had<br />
gotten an apartment nearby after he graduated college with a Geology<br />
Degree, but spent most of his time out of town.<br />
Despite having Dad’s bro<strong>the</strong>r and sister around, <strong>the</strong>y were of<br />
little help. His bro<strong>the</strong>r was gone too often to be much help. His sister<br />
was a typical spoiled brat from a middle-class family in a small town and<br />
knew nothing about cleaning up after herself, making her own meals, or<br />
contributing financially to our survival. Her Mom always did everything<br />
for her and she expected my Mom to do <strong>the</strong> same. No matter how many<br />
times my Mom tried to explain that she needed to take more<br />
responsibility, she couldn’t or wouldn’t do it. She just didn’t grasp <strong>the</strong><br />
pa<strong>the</strong>tic reality of our impoverished existence and <strong>the</strong> need for self<br />
sufficiency.<br />
Finally, my Mom snapped one day after coming home exhausted<br />
from work and sloppily packed her suitcases and threw <strong>the</strong>m over our<br />
upstairs balcony. I watched <strong>the</strong> whole thing in shock, but was not<br />
surprised by it. After all, at 9 I had more of a clue of cleaning up after<br />
myself, housework, and meal preparation than she did. I think at that<br />
point she realized that our home was no Leave-It-To-Fuckin’ Beaver like<br />
she was accustomed too.<br />
118
TODD TAYLOR<br />
When my Dad came out of his usual drugged stupor a few days<br />
later, he exploded. He trapped my Mom in an orange deck chair that was<br />
in his sister’s room and proceeded to scream at my mom while trying to<br />
hit her hands with a ball pin hammer. He bruised a couple of her<br />
knuckles before she was finally able to push past him and hit <strong>the</strong> kitchen.<br />
“Bitch, you fuckin’ bitch!”<br />
Dad screamed over and over again as my Mom and I ga<strong>the</strong>red<br />
food for our usual escape. Though, he hadn’t gone ballistic like this in<br />
over 6 months, he typically had <strong>the</strong>se outbursts every 3 months or so. He<br />
was a diagnosed schizophrenic and as anybody can tell you, living with<br />
<strong>the</strong> mentally ill is a very unstable, unpredictable life. Things can be fine<br />
one minute and chaos <strong>the</strong> next. Any love I ever had for <strong>the</strong> man, had<br />
disappeared by this time. He was a crazy monster to be watched carefully<br />
and endured.<br />
Just as we were about to exit with our food, Dad jumped around<br />
<strong>the</strong> corner with a baseball bat and tried to hit my mom. She ducked and<br />
he hit <strong>the</strong> refrigerator. She <strong>the</strong>n quickly grabbed a frying pan and hit him<br />
dead center in his raging face, causing him to stumble back reeling and<br />
collapsing on <strong>the</strong> floor. At this time, my Mom weighed 200 pounds to my<br />
dad’s skeletal 150, so he was no match for her.<br />
We ran for <strong>the</strong> door, got in <strong>the</strong> car and drove to <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r side of<br />
our apartment complex to stay with Theresa, our safe port during <strong>the</strong>se<br />
frequent storms. I played with Theresa’s son Manny and my Mom and<br />
Theresa talked. She was always urging my Mom to call <strong>the</strong> cops, but she<br />
rarely did. Finally, though, about 6 months later after my Dad’s sister<br />
had returned home to her small town isolated life, my Mom had my Dad<br />
committed to Terrell State Mental Institution, divorcing him. I didn’t<br />
shed a tear. I, like my Mom, was just grateful <strong>the</strong> long nightmare was<br />
over.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 119
SHOPPING WITH THE VIETCONG<br />
120
Skeleton Mom<br />
By Erin O’Brien<br />
My mom is a skeleton. A total skeleton. Okay, not total. Her head is<br />
normal. In fact, you might even say she’s pretty. Take her hair, her long<br />
brown hair. It’s shiny and thick, really really thick. We’re talking<br />
L’Oreal-TV-commercial hair. Not that it makes up for being a skeleton.<br />
But it is nice hair.<br />
So her head is normal, but weird, too. The flesh comes to a nice,<br />
neat end around <strong>the</strong> center of her neck vertebrae. Just sort of ga<strong>the</strong>rs<br />
<strong>the</strong>re. And, believe me, I thank God for that. Big time. I can only imagine<br />
if it was all raggedy, with tubes and gristle hanging out, and <strong>the</strong> skin just<br />
ending, like a loose upside-down sock.<br />
Now that would be completely gross.<br />
* * *<br />
We’re eating dinner. Me, Mom, and my stupid bro<strong>the</strong>r, Stevie.<br />
Dad’s not here as usual. He comes home from work late. Like, all <strong>the</strong><br />
time. He’s always worried about losing his job, so he stays at <strong>the</strong> office<br />
until everyone else is gone. Mostly, it’s nine, ten o’clock before he comes<br />
home. Not like I care. But it drives my mom crazy.<br />
“Your fa<strong>the</strong>r’s going to be late again,” she says, sniffing.<br />
“He’s always late,” says my bro<strong>the</strong>r. Stupid.<br />
“That’s brilliant, stupid,” I say.<br />
“That’s enough, Gina,” says Mom as she drapes an apron around<br />
her hips and ties it behind her lower vertebrae. “Now instead of that<br />
attitude, I’m going to ask you to help your bro<strong>the</strong>r with his homework<br />
after dinner while I do <strong>the</strong> dishes and straighten up for your fa<strong>the</strong>r.”<br />
“What about my homework?” I say. She never cares about my<br />
stuff.<br />
“Helping Stevie will only take an hour or so. You have plenty of<br />
time.”<br />
“This sucks.”<br />
“Language, Gina. Language.”<br />
“What’s for dessert?” says Stevie as he attempts to fit his little<br />
finger through a spaghettio, splitting it and smearing his hands with <strong>the</strong><br />
sauce in <strong>the</strong> process. Stevie just turned eleven. I’m sixteen.<br />
122
ERIN O’BRIEN<br />
“How about some Oreos?” says Mom, popping one into her<br />
mouth. I have no idea where it goes from <strong>the</strong>re. She chews and swallows<br />
like any normal person, after that, don’t ask me. Maybe it shoots right<br />
into her spine.<br />
“Oreos again?” whines Stevie. Like he should be surprised. We’ve<br />
had spaghettios and Oreos every night for dinner for <strong>the</strong> last six months.<br />
Before that it was mac and cheese (in <strong>the</strong> blue box, it’s <strong>the</strong> cheesiest!) and<br />
ice cream sandwiches. It’s like Mom has this thing: bad packaged pasta<br />
for dinner and black and white sandwich thing for dessert. Thank God<br />
we get lunch at school.<br />
“You are welcome, young man, to have nothing at all for desert.”<br />
All I want to do is go up to my room and masturbate. But I can’t<br />
now. It’s too risky. There’s no lock on my door. There’s always <strong>the</strong><br />
bathroom, which locks, but if Mom or Stupid comes knocking it breaks<br />
my concentration. I’ll wait until later on tonight, when Stevie’s<br />
undoubtedly pulling his own monkey and Mom and Dad are doing <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
thing.<br />
It’s nine-thirty by <strong>the</strong> time Dad gets home. Mom springs off <strong>the</strong><br />
couch like a cherry bomb went off under her coccyx when Dad’s<br />
headlights dance across <strong>the</strong> back wall of <strong>the</strong> family room. She runs into<br />
<strong>the</strong> kitchen and next is <strong>the</strong> predictable sound of ice cubes clinking into a<br />
glass. She comes back, scotch in hand, with that irritating, breathless<br />
way about her.<br />
“Hello darling,” she says as he walks in. She’s always trying to<br />
act like Doris Day in that Pillow Talk movie (which she watches at least<br />
twice a week, she’s on her second video copy after wearing out <strong>the</strong> first<br />
one).<br />
Of course, Dad takes a sip of his drink before saying hello or<br />
anything.<br />
“How’s <strong>the</strong> cocktail?” says Mom, hopefully.<br />
“Perfect!” He makes an exaggerated lip-smacking sound and sets<br />
<strong>the</strong> glass down. “How’s my girls?” he says, although he doesn’t expect an<br />
answer. “I’m sure glad to be home.” He throws his briefcase on <strong>the</strong><br />
sideboard and proceeds to give Mom this big, disgusting suck-kiss.<br />
“Not in front of <strong>the</strong> children, please,” I say, not looking away<br />
from <strong>the</strong> television.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 123
SKELETON MOM<br />
“Well, well, well,” says Dad. “No hello for your poor old dad? Is<br />
that <strong>the</strong> way to be, Miss Grump?”<br />
“Hi, Dad.”<br />
“Where’s Stevie?”<br />
“Upstairs playing one of those new computer games you gave<br />
him for his birthday,” says Mom, loosening Dad’s tie. “He’s just as sweet<br />
as a peach.”<br />
“Actually,” I say, “The Peach is drooling over some foreign<br />
website he found that shows naked girls tied up with <strong>the</strong>ir legs spread,” I<br />
say. They both ignore me.<br />
“What’s that, Princess?”<br />
“Nothing, Dad.”<br />
“Miss Gina has been surly all day,” says Mom. “Maybe you can<br />
talk to her while I get your supper.”<br />
Dad picks up his drink and plops down next to me on <strong>the</strong> couch<br />
with a big sigh and slap of his knee. “What’s all this I hear about surly,<br />
Princess?” he says. “Boyfriend problems? That Derrick character?”<br />
“Pete, Dad. His name is Pete.” Pete didn’t call me tonight.<br />
“How’s a dad supposed to keep ‘em straight when he’s got a<br />
cookie of a daughter like you?”<br />
“And Derrick was not my boyfriend. We just went to <strong>the</strong><br />
freshman mixer toge<strong>the</strong>r and that was a year and a half ago.”<br />
“Supper!” says Mom in that ridiculous singsong voice.<br />
“Looks delicious,” says Dad, bellying up to <strong>the</strong> TV tray. Dad gets<br />
frozen dinners for supper. But <strong>the</strong>y’re supposed to be <strong>the</strong> good kind.<br />
Stouffers, which Mom buys in bulk from <strong>the</strong> Stouffer’s outlet store; or<br />
Marie Callander, which are supposedly so expensive she only buys <strong>the</strong>m<br />
if she has a coupon and <strong>the</strong>y’re on sale. I die at <strong>the</strong> checkout, as if it’s not<br />
bad enough with everyone staring at Her Royal Boneliness (don’t ask me<br />
why she doesn’t wear clo<strong>the</strong>s). And <strong>the</strong>n she’s got those stupid coupons.<br />
I’ll never clip a coupon as long as I live.<br />
Whe<strong>the</strong>r Marie Callander’s is expensive or not, it still just looks<br />
like frozen food to me. Mom always puts it on a plate, tries to make it<br />
124
ERIN O’BRIEN<br />
look like real food or something. And she even has a wilted parsley sprig<br />
on <strong>the</strong>re today. How pa<strong>the</strong>tic.<br />
“Tell me all about work, Darling,” says Mom. “Any news on that<br />
Project Forward?” She’s scratching her sternum like she always does.<br />
Habit. Drives me crazy.<br />
“Project Forward,” says Dad, “is just ano<strong>the</strong>r way of saying ‘layoffs.’”<br />
“I know, Honey,” she says. “What I mean is, do you think you’ll<br />
be effected? Your department?” She’s a regular Ms. Working World<br />
Savvy. Doesn’t it occur to her that <strong>the</strong>y’ve had this same conversation<br />
about a hundred times?<br />
“I hope not. But you never know. Rumor is <strong>the</strong> Midwest Office<br />
will take a real trimming. Although I don’t know how <strong>the</strong>y’ll do it.<br />
They’ve already farmed out accounting and graphic arts. In sales, we’ve<br />
been getting by with a skeleton staff since God knows. What else can<br />
<strong>the</strong>y take away? All <strong>the</strong> secretaries and support staff are long gone.<br />
We’re down to bare bones as it is.”<br />
Everything stops.<br />
Dad’s fork clatters onto his plate. It’s dead silent except for <strong>the</strong><br />
canned laughter from <strong>the</strong> TV (Gilligan’s Island, Nick at Nite).<br />
“Jeanette,” he says, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”<br />
Mom’s lower lip starts to tremble.<br />
I start to grin.<br />
“I just wasn’t thinking, that’s all,” pleads Dad. “Wasn’t thinking.”<br />
Tears well up in Mom’s eyes. She stands and backs away from<br />
<strong>the</strong> couch.<br />
“Jeanette? Honey?” says Dad. She turns and runs from <strong>the</strong> room,<br />
her head buried in her hands. “Please—it’s been a long day, that’s all.<br />
Jeanette?”<br />
Mom bolts up <strong>the</strong> stairs, sobbing. Metacarpals aren’t very good<br />
when it comes to muffling noise. Her door slams.<br />
Dad shakes his head, sinks into <strong>the</strong> couch and sighs a big,<br />
apologetic sigh to no one in particular. “This,” he says, “is precisely why I<br />
tell you kids never to mention your mo<strong>the</strong>r’s condition.”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 125
SKELETON MOM<br />
I turn back to <strong>the</strong> television and act like I’m laughing at Gilligan<br />
and <strong>the</strong> Skipper dressed up as girls.<br />
* * *<br />
I’ve been screwing Pete for almost four months. It’s not like we<br />
started right away, we’ve been dating for seven months total. And man,<br />
were we ready. Both of us. Sometimes I think I wanted it more than Pete.<br />
I could hardly wait. You’d think that once you did it, <strong>the</strong>re would be some<br />
relief. Just <strong>the</strong> opposite. Now sex is all I think about all <strong>the</strong> time, even<br />
more than before. We do it every chance we get. In his room with his<br />
parents downstairs having drinks (which <strong>the</strong>y call “cocktails” just like<br />
my parents), in <strong>the</strong> back of his parent’s minivan at <strong>the</strong> Memphis Triple<br />
Drive-in, in our basement in <strong>the</strong> paint room where no one ever goes (it<br />
stinks in <strong>the</strong>re but we don’t care). Basically, all Pete and I need is a twofoot<br />
by six-foot area (we’ve gotten by with less—a lot less) and about six<br />
minutes.<br />
* * *<br />
I’m trying to concentrate on this totally cool Kid Rock portrait<br />
I’m drawing (I’m copying my History of Rock CD cover, which I think is<br />
cool even if Mom did make exchange <strong>the</strong> ‘explicit’ CD for <strong>the</strong> ‘edited’<br />
version) when I hear that telltale pencil-on-wood tapping on my door.<br />
Mom.<br />
“What?” I say.<br />
“May I come in?”<br />
“Fine.” What else can I do?<br />
Mom’s got that we’ve-got-to-have-a-little-talk look on her face.<br />
She’s carrying a bunch of books. This ought to be good. “It’s time you<br />
and I had a little talk,” she says, perching on <strong>the</strong> edge of my bed.<br />
“What kind of talk?”<br />
“Can we please stop with <strong>the</strong> surly?”<br />
“I am not surly.”<br />
She puts one of <strong>the</strong> books on top of her femurs, The Venus<br />
Flytrap, Why You Need to Talk Sex With Your Daughter. There are<br />
yellow stick-um flags fringing all three edges of <strong>the</strong> book. This ought to<br />
be very, very good.<br />
126
ERIN O’BRIEN<br />
“Let’s talk,” I say. The cover of <strong>the</strong> book has a mom and girl<br />
holding hands in a field of daisies.<br />
“Gina, I know you’re probably embarrassed, but you and I need<br />
to discuss this.”<br />
“I’m totally not embarrassed, Mom,” I say. She hates it when I do<br />
this, act like we’re on some My So-Called Life rerun. She’s fidgeting<br />
already.<br />
“How long have you and Peter been dating?”<br />
“Seven months.” He finally called last night, after I went<br />
upstairs. Mom about had a conniption, like it was some big deal, him<br />
calling after ten.<br />
“Seven months,” she says, opening up <strong>the</strong> book to one of <strong>the</strong><br />
marked pages. “That’s a long time.” She clears her throat and starts<br />
reading. “Due to a number of external as well as internal influences, girls<br />
between <strong>the</strong> ages of fourteen and seventeen feel enormous pressure to<br />
become sexually active.” She gives me a meaningful look. “’Girls with<br />
low self-esteem are particularly vulnerable.’ Which is what I wanted to<br />
talk about, Gina, your self-esteem.”<br />
“My self esteem.”<br />
“That’s right, Honey. Your self-esteem.”<br />
“What about my self esteem?”<br />
Confusion crosses her face. Mom’s always like this, particularly<br />
during ‘talks.’ Ask any question, no matter how tame, and she freaks. She<br />
clears her throat again and clasps her hands toge<strong>the</strong>r, making that dry/<br />
scraping sound that is worse than fingernails on a blackboard. “Well, <strong>the</strong><br />
important thing is that you understand that your fa<strong>the</strong>r and I, hmm, just<br />
one minute.” She flutters through <strong>the</strong> book, “Oh, right here, yes, ‘It is of<br />
<strong>the</strong> utmost importance that both parents express <strong>the</strong>ir mutual approval<br />
and respect for <strong>the</strong>ir daughter and that <strong>the</strong> concept of <strong>the</strong> sexual<br />
relationship is shown in a positive light at all times.’” She smiles. “Is that<br />
a little more clear?”<br />
“Sure, Mom,” I say, “I think you and Dad show sex in a very<br />
positive light.”<br />
“Really, Honey?” she says, brightening.<br />
“Sure,” I say, “what, with you and Dad and your nightly thing.”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 127
SKELETON MOM<br />
She knows exactly what I’m talking about, it’s ano<strong>the</strong>r of those<br />
subjects you never bring up, like <strong>the</strong> fact she’s a skeleton. I’d call it sex,<br />
but I’m not sure that’s right. Whatever it is, it’s <strong>the</strong> same nearly every<br />
night. Believe me, I know. I’ve had to listen to it since before I can<br />
remember. It starts at about ten forty-five. First <strong>the</strong>y talk for about five<br />
minutes, but not normal talk. It’s really short sentences, or maybe just<br />
one word, with long pauses in between. They talk too low for me to hear<br />
exactly what <strong>the</strong>y’re saying, but <strong>the</strong> tone seems weird. Then <strong>the</strong>re’s <strong>the</strong><br />
bed-squeaking. That only goes for about a minute. Then <strong>the</strong>re’s Dad’s<br />
big groan, which is pretty predictable. Of course, that’s when you’d<br />
figure it’s over, but it’s not. Because <strong>the</strong> next thing you hear is Mom,<br />
making some sort of muffled growl noise. And right after that, <strong>the</strong>re’s<br />
this awful clattering, like someone took a box of scrap wood and dumped<br />
it on <strong>the</strong> floor. It’s really loud. I bury my head in pillows when I know it’s<br />
coming, but I can hear it still. I hate that part <strong>the</strong> most.<br />
Mom is huffing and staring at me, her face crimson. She’s ei<strong>the</strong>r<br />
mad or embarrassed. Or both. “That, young lady,” she says, “is enough.”<br />
She’s mad.<br />
“What goes on between your fa<strong>the</strong>r and me is none of your<br />
business. You might think you’re old enough, but believe me, you’re not.<br />
You have no idea. You’re not even old enough to begin to understand.<br />
Some things take time,” Man, she is steamed. “A great deal of time. And if<br />
you ever, ever, bring up this topic again, <strong>the</strong>re will be consequences.”<br />
She says consequences in a real specific way. I don’t care.<br />
“These books, incidentally are not library books, but ones I’ve<br />
purchased especially for you so you may refer to <strong>the</strong>m as needed. And I<br />
expect you to take a good, hard look at <strong>the</strong>m,” she says. “Have you ever<br />
considered <strong>the</strong> word hereditary, <strong>the</strong> concept of it, Gina?”<br />
“No,” I say even though I’ve heard <strong>the</strong> word ten zillion times.<br />
“That doesn’t surprise me in <strong>the</strong> least,” she says, handing me <strong>the</strong><br />
stack of books. “We’ll get to that ano<strong>the</strong>r day. I think we’ve both had<br />
enough of this for now.”<br />
“Uh, Mom?” I can’t let her off <strong>the</strong> hook this easy.<br />
“Yes?” she says with trepidation. “What is it?”<br />
“I have a question.”<br />
“Fine <strong>the</strong>n. What is it?”<br />
128
ERIN O’BRIEN<br />
“Is <strong>the</strong>re really such a thing as a vaginal climax?”<br />
“A what?” she says.<br />
“A vaginal climax, you know, in opposed to a clitoral climax.”<br />
“If this is just ano<strong>the</strong>r attempt at being cute,” she says, flipping<br />
her hair over her clavicle, and, in <strong>the</strong> process, getting a number of<br />
strands caught in <strong>the</strong> web of bones that is her hand. “Ow!,” she screeches.<br />
She tries to shake her hand <strong>free</strong>, but it just makes <strong>the</strong> whole thing worse.<br />
“Listen,” she says, holding her te<strong>the</strong>red hand in careful relation to her<br />
head, “Why don’t you look up your clitoris in <strong>the</strong> book? Okay, Miss<br />
smarty-pants?”<br />
“Yeah, Mom, sure,” I say. “That’s just what I’ll do. I’ll look it up<br />
in <strong>the</strong> book.”<br />
“Fine, <strong>the</strong>n.”<br />
“And maybe later we could talk about different sexual positions.<br />
Okay Mom?”<br />
“Enough already, Gina,” she says, wincing as she gets <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
hand involved.<br />
“Like <strong>the</strong> wheelbarrow. Ever heard of <strong>the</strong> wheelbarrow, Mom?<br />
When <strong>the</strong> guy gets <strong>the</strong> girls feet like this.” I hold my hands out, but she’s<br />
already halfway out <strong>the</strong> door.<br />
* * *<br />
I knew I was in trouble by <strong>the</strong> third day I was late. The third day.<br />
My boobs felt different, hard and really sensitive. My bra hurt. Taking a<br />
shower killed. So it was off to <strong>the</strong> Discount Drug Mart. $14.98 later, I<br />
was in <strong>the</strong> bathroom, holding up <strong>the</strong> little stick with <strong>the</strong> two pink lines.<br />
Preggers.<br />
* * *<br />
“Gina!” yells Mom from <strong>the</strong> garage.<br />
I don’t answer; just bury myself deeper in my nest of pillows and<br />
blankets. It doesn’t matter. It’s not even a full minute before my bedroom<br />
door bursts open and Mom storms in.<br />
“Now this is <strong>the</strong> last straw,” she says, holding up a stick that, at<br />
first glance, just appears to be an extension of her metacarpals. Then I<br />
see it’s <strong>the</strong> pregnancy test stick. What? She went through <strong>the</strong> garbage?<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 129
SKELETON MOM<br />
“Suppose, young lady,” she says, “you tell me what this is.”<br />
“I don’t know, Mom. What do you think it is?” I say. “A swizzle<br />
stick?”<br />
“Very funny,” she says. “What is important, is <strong>the</strong> fact that <strong>the</strong>re<br />
are two pink lines here and not one!”<br />
I don’t say anything.<br />
“You and your vaginal climax. I’ll bet you thought you were<br />
some kind of comedienne! I don’t think you realize what you’ve gotten<br />
yourself into. I don’t think you understand. This is no small potatoes<br />
young lady. No game for a smarty-pants teenager. This can take<br />
everything from you. Everything. You have no idea. None.<br />
“This means more than diapers and peanut butter and jelly<br />
sandwiches! You’re entirely too selfish. I can only imagine what would<br />
fall on me. And I won’t have it. None of it. After all, it’s not as though I<br />
haven’t done enough for you.”<br />
I give her <strong>the</strong> flat, bored look she hates.<br />
“I’m too angry right now, Gina. Just too angry. We’ll talk about<br />
this later. We’ll make arrangements later,” she says, her hand on <strong>the</strong><br />
doorknob. “And believe me, young lady, we will be making arrangements.<br />
Now get yourself out of bed and ready for church. We’re leaving in<br />
fifteen minutes.” She leaves, slamming <strong>the</strong> door behind her.<br />
I get up, strip my clo<strong>the</strong>s off and lie back down on <strong>the</strong> bed,<br />
naked. I stare at <strong>the</strong> ceiling, put my hands on my belly.<br />
Arrangements.<br />
What was that old Madonna video? The one with Madonna and<br />
<strong>the</strong> short blond hair trying to look a lot younger than she really was, like<br />
about sixteen, about my age. “I’m gonna keep my baaaybeee!” she sang to<br />
her TV-video fa<strong>the</strong>r. Miss Defiant. Right to Lifers had to love that. Now<br />
I’m giggling.<br />
I get up to look at myself in <strong>the</strong> mirror.<br />
These boobs may hurt, but <strong>the</strong>y sure look good.<br />
Could my body actually do this? The belly part, <strong>the</strong> hips. Those<br />
parts seem so full of life. Even my hair seems thicker. I’ve always wanted<br />
thicker hair, L’Oreal-TV-commercial hair.<br />
130
ERIN O’BRIEN<br />
But <strong>the</strong>n I look at my arms. They’re thinner. And my legs. Just<br />
<strong>the</strong> tinniest bit thinner. You almost can’t tell. Is this my imagination? My<br />
cheeks are flushed. I feel good.<br />
My hands too, <strong>the</strong>y’re bonier, <strong>the</strong> hollows between my knuckles<br />
are deeper. Who needs any excess? I should be glad. I’m strong, healthy.<br />
I’ve got everything I need.<br />
And nothing more.<br />
THE END<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 131
SKELETON MOM<br />
132
Public Radio<br />
By John Sheppard<br />
I met a starchy gal in my art history class.<br />
She saw me nodding off and decided that I was just as bored as<br />
she was. I hadn’t slept in two days. My graveyard shift job was kicking<br />
my ass. “I know,” she whispered to me. “This class is a drag.”<br />
I woke up and said, “Did I miss something?”<br />
There were 200 of us packed into an auditorium in what used to<br />
be a junior high before <strong>the</strong> university acquired it. The wooden seats were<br />
all too small, <strong>the</strong> little flip-up desk squeezed in on me. The lights were<br />
turned down and a 35-mm slideshow of masterworks was clicking along.<br />
The professor had a jolly, trilling English accent that made him seem as<br />
if he was about to start jumping up and down with spastic joy. The class<br />
ran from 7:30 p.m. until 10 p.m. Then I had to go to work. My little<br />
motorcycle was parked outside.<br />
“In this class?” she went. “Not very likely.” I recognized her<br />
voice.<br />
“You do <strong>the</strong> news on <strong>the</strong> public radio station, don’t you?”<br />
She smiled.<br />
“Suzanne Smith, right?”<br />
“That’s right,” she said.<br />
That seemed to be enough new information for me. I slipped<br />
back into my fugue state for a few moments.<br />
“And you are...?”<br />
It took me a second. I looked at her. Jesus, she was strange<br />
looking. Like a living mannequin, a doll come to life. No, not life. She<br />
didn’t seem to be alive, merely animate. The lights came back up. I don’t<br />
think <strong>the</strong>re was anything about her appearance that was natural. Her<br />
hair was obviously colored and sprayed into shape. Her eyebrows had<br />
been plucked off and replaced by grease-pencil lines. Her nose didn’t<br />
belong on her face. Each nail on each finger was honed and glazed. Her<br />
teeth were unnaturally white and straight. Her breasts were perfectly<br />
round. She was aerobically thin and waxed and hadn’t a mark on her. She<br />
was as airbrushed as a Playboy centerfold. “Pepper,” I said.<br />
“Pepper? That’s all?”<br />
“Um, Buzz,” I said.<br />
134
JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
“Buzz Pepper,” she said, staring at me with her taxidermy eyes.<br />
“Bingo,” I said.<br />
Everybody was getting up. We’d been dismissed. We walked out<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r, not saying anything. I put on my backpack and helmet and got<br />
on my motorcycle. “You own a motorcycle,” she said.<br />
“Barely,” I said. I revved it to life and rode away.<br />
The next week she sat down next to me again and kept me awake<br />
for three hours with chatter about her evil roommate Janey and <strong>the</strong> perils<br />
of being radio famous. She lived in <strong>the</strong> coed dorm across <strong>the</strong> street. I was<br />
surprised to hear that she got paid for her gig, that it was a work-study<br />
job. I had no idea. And me with my Pell grant and rotten overnight<br />
greasy job. “Are you going to <strong>the</strong> Oingo Boingo concert at <strong>the</strong> Bandshell<br />
on Friday? It’s <strong>free</strong>,” she said.<br />
Was she asking me out? “I don’t know. Why? Did you want to go<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r?”<br />
“Yeah! Super!” she said too loudly.<br />
The professor, ever happily English, congratulated her on her<br />
enthusiasm for <strong>the</strong> class. A low roar of laughter. He handed back our<br />
essays, <strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong> class ended. I squinted at <strong>the</strong> board, way down front,<br />
trying to figure out which chapters had to be read for next time. I felt<br />
myself ready to vomit for a second, <strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong> nausea receded and I felt fine<br />
again.<br />
“You got an ‘A’?” Suzanne asked, looking at my paper. A blue,<br />
felt-penned ‘A’ stained <strong>the</strong> front of <strong>the</strong> essay.<br />
“Yeah,” I said.<br />
“You want to study toge<strong>the</strong>r? Maybe you can help me out,” she<br />
said.<br />
I was beginning to get suspicious of her. Women like her didn’t<br />
talk to me. Still, she was a woman, in sort of punched-out-of-plastic way.<br />
“Sure,” I said, getting up. “I’m <strong>free</strong> Tuesdays and Thursdays.”<br />
She wrote her phone number on <strong>the</strong> front of <strong>the</strong> essay with a<br />
Mont Blanc pen. Then she signed it, “Best wishes...” She was practicing<br />
to be a celebrity. She followed me out to my motorcycle again. “You’ll<br />
have to give me a ride one of <strong>the</strong>se days,” she said.<br />
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“Oh, I’ll give you a ride all right,” I said, before I could stop<br />
myself. I flushed with embarrassment from behind <strong>the</strong> helmet’s<br />
faceshield. Then I thought, “Fuck her if she can’t take a joke,” and rode<br />
off.<br />
The new graveyard waitress was Dee Dee. “You have a nice ass,”<br />
she said as I squished a burger on <strong>the</strong> grill.<br />
I was taken aback for a beat. “I hadn’t noticed,” I replied.<br />
“I’ll take a picture of it one of <strong>the</strong>se nights,” she said. “I own a<br />
Polaroid. I’m not afraid to use it.” Some sou<strong>the</strong>rn drawls sounded like<br />
banjos. Hers was a mandolin.<br />
My bro<strong>the</strong>r, <strong>the</strong> assistant manager Sparky, chose this moment to<br />
awake from his slumber and come lurching out of <strong>the</strong> backroom. He<br />
plopped himself down at <strong>the</strong> counter. “Coffee,” he said, his voice cracking.<br />
The stool squealed.<br />
Dee Dee and I both rushed to get <strong>the</strong> coffee. We met at <strong>the</strong><br />
machine. She smelled nice, especially for someone who had to work at a<br />
hash house. I mostly smelled like rancid beef, no matter how many<br />
showers I took. I stood next to her and felt myself horribly attracted to<br />
her, suddenly. It swept over me just like that. I studied her face with her<br />
black dancing eyes and full lips. I took a step back. This was a real<br />
woman, not like <strong>the</strong> radio girl from class.<br />
The muzak piped in from <strong>the</strong> speakers above sounded familiar. It<br />
was “Rock Lobster.”<br />
The phone on <strong>the</strong> wall rang. I picked up <strong>the</strong> receiver. “A<strong>the</strong>ns,” I<br />
said.<br />
“I’m calling from <strong>the</strong> Pepper bunker,” my sister Sissy said. “Do<br />
you read me? Over.”<br />
“They’re fighting at 3 a.m.?” I asked.<br />
“Not exactly. It ended a couple of hours ago,” she said. I leaned<br />
against <strong>the</strong> wall listening to her, not breathing. “Are you <strong>the</strong>re? Of course<br />
you are. Hey, listen. Remember our two little cousins, Barb’s kids? This<br />
is funny. The girl comes out in <strong>the</strong> garage where I’m hiding from all<br />
those weirdos, and offers to kiss me on <strong>the</strong> lips for a dollar. I said, ‘Get<br />
<strong>the</strong> fuck out of here!’ So she smiles at me, torches up a roach, and we<br />
share it. That’s all right.<br />
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JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
“But listen. The boy, he’s what? Ten? Barb tossed his security<br />
blanket in <strong>the</strong> trash, decided that he was going to become a man while on<br />
vacation. We’re all sitting up watching <strong>the</strong> late night movie when he<br />
comes wandering in <strong>the</strong> room. He’s wet his pajamas. But this is <strong>the</strong> good<br />
part. He was holding a dirty pair of Barb’s undies on his face with one<br />
hand, and sucking <strong>the</strong> thumb on <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r hand.”<br />
“You called me up in <strong>the</strong> middle of <strong>the</strong> night—”<br />
“So Barb digs <strong>the</strong> nasty old blanket out of <strong>the</strong> trash. Cool, huh?<br />
Gives it to him. It has coffee grounds on it, but he doesn’t care.”<br />
“What’s going on?” I asked her. “Are you okay?”<br />
“I think Buster’s going to take off on us,” Sissy said, her voice<br />
beginning to shake. “I’m not sure I can handle it.”<br />
“You can handle it,” I said. Buster probably wasn’t going<br />
anywhere, I figured. Not when <strong>the</strong>re’s still food around <strong>the</strong> dump. “If you<br />
want, you can come up and live with Sparky and me. It’s not a problem.”<br />
“You are such an idiot!” Sissy shouted.<br />
“What did I say?”<br />
“You are beyond dumb!” She was boiling. “I’m going to be stuck<br />
with Mom! Don’t you care about that? She’s going to be a basket case!<br />
Do you ever listen? Do you ever listen to what anyone has to say? I’m so<br />
sick of you I could puke!” She slammed <strong>the</strong> phone down in my ear.<br />
Sparky said, “You haven’t cut up any tomatoes yet, have you?”<br />
“No,” I said.<br />
“Better get on it. I’ll take <strong>the</strong> grill,” he said.<br />
I went in <strong>the</strong> back and cut up tomatoes.<br />
It was a dead night. Sparky sent Dee Dee home and we were<br />
sitting <strong>the</strong>re on <strong>the</strong> stools, staring blankly around <strong>the</strong> restaurant. I got<br />
up and made more coffee. Sparky went over to <strong>the</strong> drivethrough to count<br />
<strong>the</strong> cash <strong>the</strong>re again. I looked up and saw a stunning woman sitting at<br />
<strong>the</strong> counter. She was young, maybe 20, with a poofy mane of blond hair<br />
and a beautiful shape, from what I could see. She was in a leotard. I<br />
brought over some coffee.<br />
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“I’ve been cleaning,” she said. “Trying to get my apartment<br />
clean.” I could see a new shiner on her left eye now that I was standing in<br />
front of her.<br />
“How’s <strong>the</strong> cleaning going?” I asked her.<br />
“Slow,” she said. She folded her arms in front of her on <strong>the</strong><br />
counter and rested her chin on top of <strong>the</strong>m. She looked up at me. The eye<br />
was swelling shut. “Aren’t you going to ask me about my eye?”<br />
“What happened to your eye?”<br />
“My boyfriend hit me,” she said.<br />
“Bad housekeeping?” I asked.<br />
“Something like that,” she said.<br />
“Can I get you anything? A beefsteak for your eye?”<br />
“You can talk to me,” she said. “I’ve seen you in here when I get<br />
off work. I have to drive past here. You look sad.”<br />
“I’m tired, that’s all,” I said.<br />
“Don’t kid a kidder,” she said. She sat up and stared down at her<br />
coffee. She had huge tits for someone her size.<br />
“You’re a dancer?” I asked her.<br />
“At Trader’s,” she said. “Don’t knock it. It pays <strong>the</strong> bills.”<br />
“I didn’t say anything,” I said.<br />
“You got that look on your face though,” she said.<br />
“Don’t mind me,” I said.<br />
“Can you make me something?” she asked. “I’m too tired to<br />
decide. I left my money in <strong>the</strong> car. I’ll be right back.” She slipped off <strong>the</strong><br />
barstool and walked to <strong>the</strong> door. She was wearing only <strong>the</strong> flimsy red<br />
leotard. It was cut high on her hips in a way that left her tanned bottom<br />
mostly bare. She probably saw me watching her in <strong>the</strong> reflection off <strong>the</strong><br />
glass front door. She glanced back at me with her one good eye. I was<br />
turned on and sad and disgusted with myself all at <strong>the</strong> same time. She<br />
had no shoes on and walked across our beaten and littered parking lot<br />
barefoot.<br />
I rushed over to Sparky. “Do you see her?” I asked him.<br />
“Yeah,” he said, staring out <strong>the</strong> window at her hungrily.<br />
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JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
“So I’m not imagining her,” I said.<br />
“No,” he said. She opened her car door, a rusty Buick, and leaned<br />
in reaching for her purse. “Jesus,” Sparky whispered. He shook his head.<br />
“Graveyard shift.”<br />
I walked back over to my spot at <strong>the</strong> counter. I had a raging<br />
hard-on and hated myself for it. My grease-stained cook’s apron covered<br />
it up, mostly. I peeked down. Yeah: Mostly.<br />
“Did you get a good look?” she asked me.<br />
I blushed and turned my head away.<br />
“That’s okay,” she said. “Everyone gets a good look.”<br />
I saw her smiling at me out of <strong>the</strong> corner of my eye.<br />
“You didn’t make me anything,” she said.<br />
It was true. “Chicken fingers,” I said. “And fries.” I dropped in <strong>the</strong><br />
chicken fingers and some fries. I hit <strong>the</strong> timer. The fresh grease sparked<br />
and bubbled.<br />
She opened her little vinyl purse and took out her makeup kit.<br />
“Woo-ee,” she said, mostly to herself in her tiny mirror. “That’s quite a<br />
shiner.” She tried to pat on some makeup, but it wasn’t doing any good.<br />
She finally gave up.<br />
The alarm went off and I pulled <strong>the</strong> basket up out of <strong>the</strong> fryer,<br />
shook some grease off, and dumped <strong>the</strong> contents in a waxpaper-lined<br />
wicker basket. “Sweet and sour sauce?” I asked her.<br />
She smirked. “Yeah. Sweet and sour.” She kind of chuckled. I gave<br />
her three little buckets of dipping sauce.<br />
I made her a cherry cola, with an extra squirt of cherry syrup,<br />
and brought it over. “It’s like a mixed drink,” I said. I handed her a paperwrapped<br />
straw. The tips of her fingers touched mine for a moment, but it<br />
didn’t feel <strong>the</strong> way I wanted it to. I wanted electricity. I wanted to go find<br />
her boyfriend and beat <strong>the</strong> living shit out of him. For all <strong>the</strong> good that<br />
would do.<br />
“Thanks,” she said.<br />
We sat toge<strong>the</strong>r mostly silently while she masticated her food<br />
ever so slowly. She never touched her coffee. I took it away. After she<br />
finished <strong>the</strong> rest, I took <strong>the</strong> glass and basket away. She tapped her red<br />
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chipped fingernails on <strong>the</strong> counter. “I guess I should go home,” she said<br />
finally.<br />
“Maybe you shouldn’t,” I said.<br />
“Maybe,” she said. She slipped off <strong>the</strong> stool and stood <strong>the</strong>re in<br />
front of <strong>the</strong> counter, sadly beautiful. “Your floor is cold,” she said.<br />
I leaned over <strong>the</strong> counter and stared at her pretty, dirty feet. I<br />
peered in her good eye.<br />
“How much do I owe you?” she asked me.<br />
“Don’t worry about it,” I said.<br />
“I don’t want you to get in trouble,” she said, opening <strong>the</strong> purse<br />
again.<br />
“Please don’t,” I said.<br />
She snapped shut her purse. “Okay,” she said. She beamed at me<br />
for a moment and <strong>the</strong> smile faded away. She padded out of <strong>the</strong> restaurant.<br />
I watched her get into her car and drive off.<br />
A few minutes later, a bum came in and asked what time I took<br />
out <strong>the</strong> trash. I offered him fresh food if he mopped <strong>the</strong> floor. He glared at<br />
me as if I’d spat in his face and stormed out. This happened, with a<br />
different bum, just about every night.<br />
I went to <strong>the</strong> dorm to pick Suzanne up for our date. I couldn’t<br />
have been less interested in her, but I felt somehow obligated. I walked in<br />
on a dorm party that was getting out of control. Raw oysters on <strong>the</strong> halfshell<br />
were being served out of a big metal washtub filled with ice and<br />
cans of beer. I watched a topless girl run past chasing a hooting boy<br />
waving a t-shirt over his head. It was crowded in that elbows and hips<br />
way that parties get. The real “Rock Lobster” was playing off a reel-toreel<br />
in <strong>the</strong> corner, blasting out of big speakers. “Down, down, down!” <strong>the</strong><br />
B-52’s ordered, and most of <strong>the</strong> people in <strong>the</strong> room slumped to <strong>the</strong> floor.<br />
I took <strong>the</strong> opportunity to step around and over <strong>the</strong>m. “Suzanne!” I<br />
shouted, just in case she was in <strong>the</strong> mass of people crowding <strong>the</strong> foyer,<br />
dayroom and <strong>the</strong> hallways. No response.<br />
I found her door and rapped loudly on it. It swung open.<br />
Suzanne was wearing a black cocktail dress, heels and dark stockings.<br />
Now she really did look like a mannequin. She grasped my hands, pulled<br />
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JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
me into <strong>the</strong> room and quickly shut <strong>the</strong> door. “How do I look?” she asked,<br />
spinning on a heel.<br />
“Um,” I said.<br />
“Overdressed?” she asked. She twirled for me again, <strong>the</strong>n gave<br />
me a blank news anchor smile. “I guess I’m overdressed,” she said<br />
brightly. She traced <strong>the</strong> “DK” on my shirt with a fingertip. Very<br />
coquettish. “What’s that stand for?”<br />
“You probably don’t want to know,” I said.<br />
She sighed. “Okay. Be mysterious!”<br />
I scanned <strong>the</strong> room. There was a bed on ei<strong>the</strong>r side against <strong>the</strong><br />
walls. In <strong>the</strong> middle, two desks faced two bureaus with mirrors. The<br />
mirrors were abutted and fairly tall, so each girl could have about eight<br />
feet of privacy. Suzanne walked over to her side of <strong>the</strong> room and asked me<br />
to sit on her roommate’s bed for a moment so she could change. On <strong>the</strong><br />
backside of Suzanne’s mirror were little posters of <strong>the</strong> Cure and Duran<br />
Duran. Underwear was draped all over. The drawers in <strong>the</strong> bureau were<br />
ajar. There was a bit of a crack between <strong>the</strong> two mirrors through which I<br />
could see Suzanne wandering back and forth. She kicked her shoes off<br />
and <strong>the</strong>y flew across <strong>the</strong> room. “T-shirt and jeans, huh?” she shouted in a<br />
standard, upbeat voice. “I can do that! I bet you think I can’t, but I can!” I<br />
heard her dress unzip and found myself peeping through <strong>the</strong> crack. She<br />
caught me and shrieked, “No peeking!” and giggled. I picked up a pair of<br />
her roommate’s panties and spun t hem on my index finger. Then I used<br />
<strong>the</strong> elastic band to shoot <strong>the</strong>m a yard or two away. I studied a Polaroid of<br />
what I presumed to be <strong>the</strong> girl’s boyfriend. It was shoved in <strong>the</strong> bottom<br />
of <strong>the</strong> mirror. It was <strong>the</strong> guy I’d seen earlier running through <strong>the</strong><br />
hallway. She’d written “Brad” in felt tip pen in <strong>the</strong> whitespace underneath<br />
and drawn stars and hearts next to his name. I flipped open a not<strong>ebook</strong><br />
on <strong>the</strong> desk. Janie. She’d written her name in huge, bubbly letters across<br />
<strong>the</strong> first page. She’d dotted <strong>the</strong> ‘i’ with a star and colored in <strong>the</strong> letters<br />
with fragrant magic markers. She’d go far in life, this Janie.<br />
It sounded like a buffalo stampede in <strong>the</strong> hallway. I dropped <strong>the</strong><br />
not<strong>ebook</strong> to her desk just in time to see Janie and Brad make <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
entrance. “Awesome!” Brad shouted.<br />
Suzanne let loose a yip. “Shut <strong>the</strong> door!” she shouted, with actual<br />
emotion.<br />
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Brad stood <strong>the</strong>re instead. “Mmm, mmm,” he said, and slapped his<br />
topless girlfriend on <strong>the</strong> ass. Her little tits jiggled. She swept her arms up<br />
to cover <strong>the</strong>m. “Aerobics?”<br />
I heard a zipper zip. I came round <strong>the</strong> corner and watched<br />
Suzanne lace up her Keds. She sat up and I saw she was wearing a<br />
Loverboy t-shirt. She checked herself in <strong>the</strong> mirror, primping her dyed<br />
and reconditioned hair and smacked her lips. She grabbed my hand and<br />
said, “Let’s go.” She pulled me out <strong>the</strong> still-open door. I turned and saw<br />
Janie and Brad going at it on Janie’s bed, Janie giggling and Brad<br />
grunting. Young love.<br />
We had to stop at <strong>the</strong> Orange and Brew before heading out to<br />
<strong>the</strong> Bandshell so Suzanne could network and introduce me to people<br />
from <strong>the</strong> radio station that I could give a shit about. I shook a lot of cold,<br />
soft, boneless hands. After we managed to get out of <strong>the</strong>re, we stumbled<br />
through <strong>the</strong> dark. At <strong>the</strong> Bandshell, we found an Australian band on<br />
stage opening for <strong>the</strong> Boingos. The Australian band featured a shavenheaded<br />
dude who caterwauled nicely and would take time in between<br />
songs to demand that we <strong>free</strong> all <strong>the</strong> people in our prisons.<br />
Oingo Boingo was okay, I guess. I’ve never had that total animus<br />
against New Wave that o<strong>the</strong>r punks had. I figured that at least it wasn’t<br />
total trash. You know, like Loverboy. The Boingos all wore labcoats and<br />
sang <strong>the</strong>ir famous song, among o<strong>the</strong>rs. Suzanne kept jumping up and<br />
down and clapping her hands like an idiot. Then she’d grab my arm and<br />
shake me. I thought, “I’ve got to start eating more. Gain some damn<br />
weight.”<br />
The concert over, we marched along with <strong>the</strong> rest of <strong>the</strong> drones<br />
away from <strong>the</strong> field. I felt a wave of depression wash over me and my<br />
mouth crept shut. “I’d like to see your apartment,” Suzanne said. She<br />
grabbed my forearm with both hands. I stiffened for a moment, <strong>the</strong>n<br />
relaxed. She didn’t seem to notice or care.<br />
I shrugged. I checked my watch. “I have to go to work in ano<strong>the</strong>r<br />
hour.”<br />
“Can you skip work tonight?” she asked.<br />
“No,” I said. “It’s a Friday. We’ll be busy.”<br />
“The A<strong>the</strong>ns isn’t that far from <strong>the</strong> dorm. Take me with you and<br />
I’ll walk back,” she said.<br />
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JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
“I don’t want you to get raped or anything,” I said.<br />
“Aww,” she said, like what I said was sweet. She wouldn’t take no<br />
for an answer, and I’d run out of fight. She made me stand next to <strong>the</strong><br />
motorcycle when we got back to her dorm. She ran upstairs and came<br />
back with a helmet. “Janie owns a scooter,” she said by way of<br />
explanation.<br />
“I’ve got to go back to my apartment to change. I’ll show you my<br />
etchings,” I said.<br />
“You have etchings?” she asked.<br />
I sighed.<br />
Then I thought, I never told her I work at <strong>the</strong> A<strong>the</strong>ns. Here<br />
comes a wave of paranoia to give <strong>the</strong> depression some flavor. I started up<br />
my little motorcycle, clicked down <strong>the</strong> back footpegs and she sat down<br />
behind me. She wrapped her ghostly white plastic arms around my waist<br />
and hugged herself to my back. It made steering extra hard, but it did<br />
give me a semi.<br />
My roommate Ciro was sitting up having a cocktail when we<br />
walked in. He poured some Bartles & James from <strong>the</strong> bottle into a wine<br />
glass and sipped daintily. He was wearing a Members Only jacket,<br />
sleeves shoved halfway up to <strong>the</strong> elbow, and a pink polo shirt with <strong>the</strong><br />
collar turned up. “Care for some?” he asked us. A little smile crept across<br />
his lips when he saw what I’d brought home. “Who’s this winsome young<br />
lady?”<br />
“Here are those etchings,” I said. I leaned over and flipped her a<br />
sketchbook I’d left on <strong>the</strong> floor, <strong>the</strong>n went back to my room to change for<br />
work.<br />
When I came back out, I found <strong>the</strong> two of <strong>the</strong>m enjoying some<br />
high-toned laughter along. Ciro was pretending to like my dog, who sat<br />
staring at <strong>the</strong> two of <strong>the</strong>m like <strong>the</strong>y were going to give him a cube of <strong>the</strong><br />
foul, marbled, semi-solid cheese <strong>the</strong>y were gnawing on. They were using<br />
my sketchbook as a coaster. “What <strong>the</strong> fuck!” I went. I picked up both<br />
glasses, careful not to spill <strong>the</strong>m on <strong>the</strong> sketchbook, and tossed <strong>the</strong>m at<br />
<strong>the</strong> wall behind Ciro. Nei<strong>the</strong>r glass broke. The two sat in stunned silence.<br />
Bear discretely trotted away. I picked up <strong>the</strong> sketchbook and took it back<br />
to my room. Only one drawing, <strong>the</strong> top one, had been damaged. Those<br />
fuckers. I gave Bear a pat on <strong>the</strong> head to let him know that I wasn’t angry<br />
at him.<br />
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Ciro called down <strong>the</strong> hall, “Are you upset?”<br />
I came storming back out and glared at <strong>the</strong>m. But <strong>the</strong> rage had<br />
left me. You can’t pet a dog and still be angry. “Take her home for me,<br />
will you?”<br />
“Sure,” Ciro said with an oleaginous grin.<br />
I put on my helmet and stomped out <strong>the</strong> door.<br />
I don’t know how long I’d been asleep in Carleton 100. Monday<br />
morning. Must be Health and Human Nutrition. This frat boy was<br />
shaking me awake, stagewhispering, “Dude! Dude!”<br />
“Wha-” I gurgled out. I sat up and rubbed <strong>the</strong> sleep from my<br />
sticky eyes. I was seated about halfway up in <strong>the</strong> vast auditorium.<br />
A graduate assistant had taken <strong>the</strong> mike up front. “Doctor<br />
Howard...” he choked out. “Um.” He took a while to compose himself,<br />
turning his back to us. I stuck my thumb up and closed one eye, covering<br />
up <strong>the</strong> grad student completely. I dropped <strong>the</strong> thumb and opened my<br />
eyes wide, <strong>the</strong>n shut <strong>the</strong>m, <strong>the</strong>n wider, <strong>the</strong>n shut. “Class is cancelled,” <strong>the</strong><br />
pasty little grad student finally said. He dropped <strong>the</strong> mike on <strong>the</strong> podium<br />
and left.<br />
“Awesome,” <strong>the</strong> frat boy commented. He scooped up his books<br />
and scrammed.<br />
I took it as an sign that I should skip <strong>the</strong> rest of my classes and<br />
go home. And sleep.<br />
Public radio newsreader Suzanne told me most of <strong>the</strong> sordid<br />
story behind Doctor Howard’s death. O<strong>the</strong>r parts of <strong>the</strong> story come from<br />
rumors and cop gossip I heard from my place behind <strong>the</strong> counter on<br />
graveyard shift.<br />
Doctor Howard liked boys. Teenage boys. Hell, he probably<br />
would have liked me if I’d sat a little closer to <strong>the</strong> podium. He picked up a<br />
teenage prostitute on University Avenue, near <strong>the</strong> Star Garage, a<br />
popular punk rock club. The prosty caught a load of <strong>the</strong> Volvo and<br />
decided that three wouldn’t be a crowd. He suggested to <strong>the</strong> good doctor<br />
that <strong>the</strong>y pick up his boyfriend and make it an evening. They did so.<br />
They went back to his place and saw more evidence of <strong>the</strong> good<br />
life.<br />
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JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
Doctor Howard not only liked boys, he liked boys who were<br />
willing to tie him up, duct tape a golf ball in his mouth and inform him<br />
how bad he was. The lecture about badness was to be reenforced with a<br />
whip. Prosty and Boyfriend were very willing to do this. Then <strong>the</strong>y<br />
burnt him with cigarettes. Then <strong>the</strong>y found a steam iron and burnt him<br />
with that. Then he choked on <strong>the</strong> golf ball and died. Whoops.<br />
Well, <strong>the</strong>y could hardly be blamed for deciding that a dead man<br />
didn’t really need his wallet, could <strong>the</strong>y? And his credit cards? And his<br />
fancy Bang and Olafson stereo? And his big screen TV? And his Volvo?<br />
The boys took off <strong>the</strong> tape and untied him. They sat him up in a<br />
chair. They crossed his legs. They sat him up again. He was dressed up in<br />
some fancy bondage gear. They decided <strong>the</strong>y didn’t need <strong>the</strong> fancy<br />
bondage gear.<br />
They loaded <strong>the</strong> loot into <strong>the</strong> Volvo and went for a spin. They<br />
used his credit cards all over town and bought all sorts of fancy crap for<br />
<strong>the</strong>mselves. They set up his electronics in <strong>the</strong>ir crummy crash pad, and<br />
someone broke in almost immediately and stole <strong>the</strong>m. The cops busted a<br />
fence, found <strong>the</strong> good doctor’s crap and squeezed <strong>the</strong> fence until he<br />
squealed. The cops busted <strong>the</strong> thief, who led <strong>the</strong>m to <strong>the</strong> crash pad. This<br />
all happened very quickly.<br />
The boys talked and talked after credit card receipts were waved<br />
in <strong>the</strong>ir faces. It was an accident! Tough shit, boys. Florida has <strong>the</strong> chair.<br />
After Suzanne finished up with her delightful rendition of What<br />
Happened to Dear Doctor Howard, she spent <strong>the</strong> second and third hours<br />
of our Wednesday class peppering me with questions about Ciro. Is he<br />
single? Is he divorced? Does he own that darling little car he drives?<br />
What does his fa<strong>the</strong>r do for a living? How much does he make? How old<br />
is Ciro? Why is Ciro back in college at <strong>the</strong> grand old age of 27?<br />
Fuck if I know.<br />
I was glad, though, when she didn’t follow me out <strong>the</strong> door. She<br />
was beginning to give me a brain hemorrhage.<br />
I puttered off to work. Wednesday night was becoming extra<br />
slow now, deep into <strong>the</strong> semester, so Sparky had given himself <strong>the</strong> night<br />
off. After 11, it would be just me and Dee Dee. I was a little nervous<br />
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about this. She’d started a new custom of blowing in my ear each time<br />
she delivered an order.<br />
Dee Dee was <strong>the</strong>re when I arrived, a good hour before our shift<br />
began. She sat next to me at <strong>the</strong> counter. Her breasts seemed to be<br />
holstered this evening under her white work shirt, which I took to be a<br />
good sign. Everything else about her screamed trouble.<br />
We sat toge<strong>the</strong>r for a while, not saying much. I tried not to look<br />
at her. She bumped my knee with hers and smiled at me, <strong>the</strong>n coaxed me<br />
into a conversation about my family, scrupulously avoiding talking about<br />
hers, I noted some years later. In retrospect.<br />
“No wonder you look so sad all <strong>the</strong> time,” she said.<br />
“I don’t,” I said.<br />
“You do,” she said. “You’re like a nice gold watch that somebody<br />
lost on <strong>the</strong> beach. All someone needs to do is clean you and polish you<br />
and rewind you, and you’ll be like new.”<br />
“It’s that easy,” I said. I gritted my teeth and rolled my eyes.<br />
“Sure, sweety,” she said. Then she talked for a while about an old<br />
railroad bridge that caught fire in Micanopy, <strong>the</strong> little town south of<br />
Gainesville. She was a volunteer firefighter down <strong>the</strong>re.<br />
Dee Dee took my hand. The kitchen ticked and hissed. Water<br />
plopped on <strong>the</strong> empty nickel sink from a leak in <strong>the</strong> ceiling. She led me all<br />
<strong>the</strong> way into <strong>the</strong> back of <strong>the</strong> restaurant, next to <strong>the</strong> shelves filled with<br />
industrial-sized cans of beans and PVC buckets of kosher dills. In<br />
seemingly one motion, her skirt dropped to <strong>the</strong> floor and she pulled her<br />
white work shirt over her head. She stepped out of <strong>the</strong> pile of clo<strong>the</strong>s and<br />
stood <strong>the</strong>re in front of me wearing a sheer, white one-piece lingerie<br />
thing. She asked me, “Do you like this?” She reached down and showed<br />
me where it unsnapped at <strong>the</strong> crotch.<br />
“Yes,” I said.<br />
I was a veteran of industrial kitchen seduction, having met my<br />
first girlfriend that way. So I vibrated with appreciation, but remained<br />
non-committal. “Yes,” I said to Dee Dee after she showed me her<br />
delicious body, “I like. But not here. Not in a kitchen.”<br />
She smiled at me and slipped her shirt back on. “You sure,<br />
sugar?” she asked me. “We’re here all night.” She turned around and<br />
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JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
flipped her shirt up, baring her bottom at me. “Your loss, honey.” Then<br />
she put her skirt back on.<br />
For years after that day, <strong>the</strong> A<strong>the</strong>ns was where most of our<br />
couplings would take place. But I wanted a better start to this than what<br />
Dee Dee had in mind, a quick and dirty next to <strong>the</strong> kosher dills.<br />
We went back out front and sat on pivoting stools at <strong>the</strong> counter.<br />
She told me <strong>the</strong> sad story of her life up until age 18, living with her<br />
mo<strong>the</strong>r, <strong>the</strong>n being taken away at nine. She spent most of <strong>the</strong> next ten<br />
years in foster care and was molested, and it was all too horrible to listen<br />
to in <strong>the</strong> middle of <strong>the</strong> night, as <strong>the</strong> clock ticked slowly on. I held her as<br />
she cried at one point. She felt oddly light to me, as if her bones were<br />
filled with air. She pulled herself into my lap, spinning <strong>the</strong> stool around<br />
towards <strong>the</strong> dining room. I reached behind me and dug a wad of napkins<br />
out of <strong>the</strong> shiny dispenser. She blew her nose loudly, like an elephant’s<br />
cry. The whites of her eyes were all red and puffy. Her makeup came off<br />
in streams. I pulled out more napkins and wiped her face. She was very<br />
pale underneath all <strong>the</strong> makeup, with tiny blue veins underneath her<br />
cheeks as delicate as a spider’s web.<br />
The drivethrough buzzer went off. She slid off my lap and smiled<br />
at me in a kind of dopey, childish way. I walked over to <strong>the</strong> drivethrough<br />
window and took <strong>the</strong> order. “What’s <strong>the</strong> difference between a lime<br />
<strong>free</strong>zer and a lemon <strong>free</strong>zer?” <strong>the</strong> drunk lady in <strong>the</strong> Toyota asked over<br />
<strong>the</strong> crackling speaker. Her headlights were badly adjusted and one was<br />
blinding me. A <strong>free</strong>zer was a milkshake with fruit flavoring in it.<br />
“One’s green and <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r’s yellow,” I replied.<br />
“I bet you think that’s funny,” <strong>the</strong> lady said.<br />
“Are you kidding me? It’s hilarious,” I said.<br />
“Lime,” she said after a long crackling pause. “That’s it.”<br />
“An excellent choice, madam,” I said. “Please drive through.”<br />
Dee Dee was already mixing it up. I took <strong>the</strong> lady’s money.<br />
Toyota lady had a nose rippled with burst blood vessels, and pinhole eyes<br />
on ei<strong>the</strong>r side of it. She could have been 40 or 80. The car exuded a<br />
sickeningly sweet stink, like a nectarine had rolled under a seat and<br />
rotted. Dee Dee poured <strong>the</strong> green sludge into a waxpaper cup, lidded it<br />
and handed me a paper-wrapped straw along with <strong>the</strong> cup.<br />
“Have a pleasant morning,” I said, handing it to Toyota lady.<br />
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“Screw you, you young punk,” <strong>the</strong> lady replied. She turned her<br />
head and squinted through <strong>the</strong> windshield. Her tires barked as she<br />
skidded away, across <strong>the</strong> filthy parking lot and out into <strong>the</strong> empty street.<br />
That was <strong>the</strong> bar rush for <strong>the</strong> evening.<br />
I walked over to Dee Dee at <strong>the</strong> soda fountain. I placed my hands<br />
on her shoulders and her hands gripped my hips and pulled me in. I felt<br />
her soft neck and tiny earlobes, sans earrings. I paused for a moment<br />
when our lips were about to meet and tasted her breath. It was sweet. A<br />
few hours later, we left work in a sore-lipped ecstasy.<br />
I invited Dee Dee to <strong>the</strong> Halloween party we were throwing in<br />
our apartment. She promised to come, but she didn’t show. Later, she<br />
gave me what would become <strong>the</strong> standard excuse. That <strong>the</strong>re was a fire<br />
in Micanopy that she was required to help extinguish. It would take me<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r year to get suspicious of this excuse. Micanopy wasn’t very big.<br />
You could walk from one end to <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r without breaking a sweat. The<br />
whole town, I finally reasoned, must have burnt down and been rebuilt<br />
several times.<br />
I wanted to make love to Dee Dee on that Halloween. I ached for<br />
her sitting <strong>the</strong>re in my makeshift costume. I was dressed as a bum.<br />
Considering <strong>the</strong> state of my wardrobe, I made a pretty convincing one. I<br />
wore my cousin Dougie’s old army jacket, my worst pair of jeans and a<br />
pair of scratched up sunglasses someone had ditched in <strong>the</strong> restaurant<br />
one night. I rubbed some lotion in my hair and made it stick out all over<br />
<strong>the</strong> place. I kept watch on <strong>the</strong> door, nursing a stale beer, certain that Dee<br />
Dee would show up any moment. We’d hang with <strong>the</strong> gang for a<br />
reasonable time, <strong>the</strong>n retire discretely back to my room where I’d ravish<br />
her across <strong>the</strong> top bunk. I’d even gone to <strong>the</strong> trouble of putting freshly<br />
laundered sheets on my love rack.<br />
Sparky sat in <strong>the</strong> middle of <strong>the</strong> living room working on<br />
equations, his math books spread out in front of him. He was not dressed<br />
as anything, except as Sparky. Sparky’s girlfriend Cheri was dressed as a<br />
chanteuse in a slinky black dress. Ciro’s girlfriend Bug was dressed as a<br />
bee, with wings that got in everyone’s way. She’d added a wand to <strong>the</strong><br />
costume. Maybe she was supposed to be a magic bee. I didn’t ask. Bear<br />
wandered around eating things that fell on <strong>the</strong> floor. Albino walked in<br />
<strong>the</strong> door dressed as himself. Then he pulled a black party mask out of his<br />
pearl-buttoned front pocket and put it on.<br />
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JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
“What are you supposed to be?” Bug asked him. She waved her<br />
wand around and tapped him on <strong>the</strong> chest with it.<br />
“The lone gunman,” Albino replied.<br />
“Where’s your gun?” Bug asked him.<br />
“I’m too much of a gentleman to answer that question,” Albino<br />
said.<br />
And still no Dee Dee.<br />
Ciro walked in all preppied up. He blew across his fingernails.<br />
Maybe he’d just had <strong>the</strong>m done. He kissed Bug lightly on <strong>the</strong> cheek and<br />
went over to check out <strong>the</strong> fondue pot.<br />
I walked over to him. “You got a smoke?” I asked him. “How<br />
‘bout some change?”<br />
“Um,” he went. He actually looked pretty nervous. He stabbed a<br />
piece of bread and dunked it in <strong>the</strong> pot.<br />
“What time you taking <strong>the</strong> garbage out?” I asked him. “I’m<br />
hungry.”<br />
“I wish you wouldn’t do that,” Ciro said. He chewed on <strong>the</strong> piece<br />
of bread for a moment and swallowed while making a face.<br />
“A quarter? A nickel? A dime? How ‘bout a mint? You got a mint<br />
in your pocket?” I got good and close to him.<br />
Suzanne <strong>the</strong> mannequin walked in, looked around and saw Ciro.<br />
She smiled over at him. She had on that black cocktail dress. She saw<br />
Cheri in pretty much <strong>the</strong> same getup and frowned a bit. She walked over<br />
to us.<br />
“How about you, lady? You got any change?” I asked her. I took a<br />
loud sniff in her direction. “You smell real nice, lady. Real nice. Classy<br />
dame like you must have some change. Or a half-eaten sandwich in your<br />
little purse.”<br />
She recoiled from me nicely. “Is that you Buzz?” she said. “What<br />
are you supposed to be?”<br />
Cheri announced that she was putting on a record. She pulled a<br />
record from a sleeve with a haunted house on it, flipped it once or twice,<br />
blew some dust off, <strong>the</strong>n plopped it on <strong>the</strong> turntable and dropped <strong>the</strong><br />
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stylus down. “I’ve had this record since I was a little girl. It’s funny as<br />
hell.”<br />
The record popped and crackled. Then a Karloff-like voice told<br />
us we were in Egypt. “You’ve discovered <strong>the</strong> tomb of Ramses <strong>the</strong><br />
second.” Blah, blah, blah. The mummy awakes, <strong>the</strong>n seals “you” in <strong>the</strong><br />
tomb, which is quickly running out of air. Then came <strong>the</strong> good part. This<br />
explorer is gasping for breath and clawing and screaming until, about<br />
three or four minutes later, he expires. Ciro went over to Bug about<br />
thirty seconds into all <strong>the</strong> gasping and clawing and screaming. He held<br />
her hand. “Ow!” Bug went. “You’re hurting me!”<br />
“Sorry,” Ciro said. A brittle smile. A curt plea. “I think we should<br />
listen to something else, don’t you?” He looked around <strong>the</strong> room at us as<br />
<strong>the</strong> guy on <strong>the</strong> record continued, fruitlessly, to attempt to escape from<br />
<strong>the</strong> mummy’s tomb. “I don’t like this record.” He pulled Bug out of <strong>the</strong><br />
apartment with him. We heard his car start up as <strong>the</strong> explorer gasped his<br />
last breath and collapsed on <strong>the</strong> tomb’s floor.<br />
I walked over and picked up Bug’s wand. “Tinkerbee forgot her<br />
wand,” I said.<br />
“What was that all about?” Cheri asked <strong>the</strong> room.<br />
Sparky looked up from his studies. “What?”<br />
“I wonder how much I could get for this wand at <strong>the</strong> pawn<br />
shop?” I asked Albino. “What time do you take out your garbage?” On<br />
<strong>the</strong> stereo, “you” got trapped in a haunted house.<br />
“Give it a rest,” Albino said. He took off <strong>the</strong> mask.<br />
Buster my fa<strong>the</strong>r pulled through Gainesville on his way up to<br />
Ohio. He just showed up and presented himself, and left without telling<br />
us why he’d come or in what direction he was headed. He showed up at<br />
five-thirty in <strong>the</strong> morning while everyone else was sleeping off <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
drunks and Sparky was in bed.<br />
“Let me in,” Buster said, standing outside my door.<br />
I could let him in or not. He wasn’t paying my rent, and hadn’t<br />
contributed a nickel to my college education, which he considered<br />
unworthwhile. Literature and philosophy and art are for faggots, said he.<br />
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JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
I said, “Come on in,” not bleary-eyed. I had <strong>the</strong> night off from my<br />
graveyard shift job and had taken <strong>the</strong> opportunity to begin a new<br />
painting. I’d spent <strong>the</strong> night hours after <strong>the</strong> party literally banging on a<br />
canvas, and <strong>the</strong> painting was beginning to take on some shape.<br />
Sometimes, when I couldn’t get a painting working, I’d take <strong>the</strong> canvas<br />
out front and kick it around our parking lot.<br />
Buster my fa<strong>the</strong>r walked on in. Bear <strong>the</strong> dog growled at him,<br />
stood up.<br />
“Sit, boy,” I said.<br />
“Jesus,” Buster said, “most dogs like me.”<br />
“He was tied to a tree,” I said. “And little black kids threw rocks<br />
at him, so he doesn’t like black people.”<br />
“I’m not black,” Buster said.<br />
I’d seen pictures of his mo<strong>the</strong>r. She looked black, but was<br />
supposed to be dark Irish—whatever that is. I said, “He thinks you’re<br />
black. Argue with <strong>the</strong> dog.” Jerked a thumb towards <strong>the</strong> dog.<br />
“Don’t give me no lip, kid,” Buster said.<br />
“I’m just saying.”<br />
“Yeah,” Buster said, veering toward squinty-eyed anger. “Keep it<br />
to yourself.”<br />
My mo<strong>the</strong>r told me how she and my uncle sneaked a peek at his<br />
driver’s license once when she and Buster were dating back in <strong>the</strong> ‘50’s.<br />
Buster came over to my grandparents’ house to pick up Mom, and had to<br />
go to <strong>the</strong> bathroom. He left his wallet and car keys on <strong>the</strong> kitchen<br />
counter. Ralph said, “I’m curious about something.” Mom knew exactly<br />
what he meant. They both grabbed at <strong>the</strong> wallet, Mom winning <strong>the</strong><br />
struggle. Mom pulled out Buster’s driver’s license and he was listed as<br />
Caucasian. Mom’s crush on Buster had to do with his resemblance to<br />
Harry Belafonte. Day-o.<br />
Buster sat down on Albino’s chair. Plop. There was a 50 percent<br />
chance he’d be able to get up. His back was that of an 80-year-old<br />
grandpa. It’d been injured in two separate car accidents back in <strong>the</strong> ‘70’s,<br />
when he was a traveling paper salesman. “So,” Buster said. “Did you hear<br />
about your uncle’s new car?”<br />
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“New car?” I asked. “I didn’t realize he was in <strong>the</strong> country. Isn’t<br />
he supposed to be in Saudi?”<br />
“He’s here. He flew in a week ago and bought a new Ford. It’s a<br />
beauty, too. Nineteen eighty-five model T-bird, an anniversary model.<br />
Fortieth, I think. It’s some sort of metallic blue, velour seats, Philco<br />
stereo, digital readout on <strong>the</strong> dash. Just beautiful.”<br />
“That so?”<br />
“That’s so. He got it absolutely loaded. Man. Just beautiful.”<br />
What I wanted to ask was: Why <strong>the</strong> hell was he here? At fivethirty<br />
a.m.? What <strong>the</strong> hell did he want?<br />
Bear got up and walked carefully over to him.<br />
“See,” Buster said. “I’m no nigger.” And he held his hand out to<br />
<strong>the</strong> dog.<br />
Bear quickly lunged at <strong>the</strong> proffered hand. Buster yanked it back<br />
to his body and rolled out of <strong>the</strong> chair and to <strong>the</strong> ground. He landed ass<br />
first, looking for a moment like a dying cockroach, his arms flailing<br />
tragically. I ran to <strong>the</strong> dog and grabbed him around <strong>the</strong> ribcage and<br />
picked him up. It might have strained my back if I hadn’t been working at<br />
<strong>the</strong> diner, restocking shelves, lugging crates of frozen hamburger patties<br />
around, and so on.<br />
“Damn,” Buster said. He managed to sit up.<br />
“I think you better go,” I said.<br />
“Give me a hand,” Buster said.<br />
“I can’t. I’d have to let go of <strong>the</strong> dog.”<br />
“Shit,” he said, and managed to hoist himself up.<br />
It was a small apartment. I could have locked him up in my<br />
bedroom, but I didn’t want to. I wanted Bear to eat <strong>the</strong> fucker, to tear<br />
him to shreds.<br />
“That damn dog is dangerous,” Buster said.<br />
“See you later,” I said.<br />
After he left, I dug a couple of chocolate chip cookies out of <strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>free</strong>zer and handed <strong>the</strong>m to Bear, scratching him behind his ears and<br />
praising him. Good dog. I went to my morning classes. Dr. Howard had<br />
been replaced by an equally monotone man.<br />
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JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
I called up Mom after I got home from class, asked her what <strong>the</strong><br />
deal was with Buster. She told me that he woke her up in <strong>the</strong> middle of<br />
<strong>the</strong> night and said, “Honey you’d be proud of me, I fit everything in <strong>the</strong><br />
van.” She thought nothing of it until later that morning, after she’d fully<br />
reached consciousness. She thought about what he’d said and went out to<br />
<strong>the</strong> garage. There was nothing left in <strong>the</strong> garage save a push mower and<br />
a sack of cow manure. The shelves were empty, <strong>the</strong> cement floor bereft of<br />
even gardening implements. She jogged back upstairs to <strong>the</strong>ir bedroom<br />
and peered into his closet. It was empty, too. So were his drawers in <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
bureau. “I guess he left me,” Mom concluded. “At least I still have your<br />
sister here.”<br />
I woke up Sparky, gave him a good shake. “Hey, man,” I said to<br />
him.<br />
“What? What?” Sparky said. “The apartment better be on fire.”<br />
“Buster left Mom,” I said.<br />
He sat up and rubbed some sleep from his eyes. “No shit?”<br />
“No shit,” I said.<br />
“How about that?” Sparky said. He yawned and closed his eyes as<br />
his head hit <strong>the</strong> pillow. A second or two later he was back asleep. I took<br />
<strong>the</strong> dog on a walk.<br />
I was trying to watch a documentary about a frozen caveman on<br />
PBS, but <strong>the</strong> rabbit ears needed constant adjusting, and <strong>the</strong> documentary<br />
wasn’t all that interesting anyway. I was whiling away my time, waiting<br />
to go in to work. Ciro and Bug were watching Citizen Kane at <strong>the</strong> Reitz<br />
Student Union <strong>the</strong>ater. They were taking a film appreciation class<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r. Albino was off at his job, slinging hash. The phone rang.<br />
“Buzz,” Albino said. “Do me a favor.”<br />
“Sure,” I said.<br />
“Dig around in my desk. I have a pair of surgical gloves in <strong>the</strong>re,”<br />
Albino said.<br />
“Surgical gloves?” I went.<br />
“Fuck yeah. Surgical gloves. Get a move-on,” Albino said.<br />
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I set down <strong>the</strong> receiver and went into Albino’s room. Bear was in<br />
<strong>the</strong>re eating <strong>the</strong> cat shit out of Darby’s litter box. “Jesus!” I shouted. “Get<br />
out of here!” I pulled him away from <strong>the</strong> litter box and shoved him out<br />
<strong>the</strong> door. I found a pair of surgical gloves in Albino’s top drawer. His<br />
digital alarm clock was clicking strangely; <strong>the</strong> digits were blinking at<br />
odd intervals. I tapped it on top and a half-dozen cockroaches scuttled<br />
out from underneath it. I lifted it up and found cockroach shit. I went<br />
back to <strong>the</strong> phone. “Found ‘em.”<br />
“I’ll be right <strong>the</strong>re,” I said. I rode my little motorcycle down to<br />
<strong>the</strong> Deep South restaurant and parked next to Albino’s 750-Four. The<br />
Deep South was located in what used to be Woolco’s department store.<br />
“Famous for Big Biscuits,” <strong>the</strong> sign out front claimed. Inside, shellacked<br />
biscuits glued to cheap wood paneling spelled out “DEEP SOUTH.” The<br />
hostess was dressed in bib overalls and a plaid shirt with a corny straw<br />
hat cocked on her head. “Table for one?” she asked in a New Jersey<br />
accent. “Bring <strong>the</strong>m down here. I need one,” Albino said.<br />
“I’m here to see Albino Bernstein. He’s a cook,” I said. “I brought<br />
him something.” And I waved <strong>the</strong> surgical gloves at her.<br />
“Oh, he’s waiting on you,” she said. “You should tell him to go to<br />
<strong>the</strong> hospital.” She pointed toward <strong>the</strong> backroom.<br />
It was a huge industrial kitchen, all stainless steel, massive deep<br />
fryers, grills as big as drafting tables and long tables with cutlery. Lush<br />
tropical steam, garlicky scents and deep-fried clouds gushed around.<br />
Mostly, <strong>the</strong> Deep South sold breakfasts. In <strong>the</strong> back, I also found two<br />
Asian men hunkered over massive woks, cooking up heaps of Chinese<br />
food. “Number ten,” a waitress said, putting an order up. “Numba ten!”<br />
“Numba ten!” <strong>the</strong> men repeated, and shoved sizzling food around.<br />
“Albino!” I shouted.<br />
“Albino in breakroom!” one of <strong>the</strong> Asian men said.<br />
“Albino bleeding!” <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r one said. Nei<strong>the</strong>r of <strong>the</strong>m looked at<br />
me. They both had <strong>the</strong> R/L speech impediment.<br />
I walked back toward where I thought <strong>the</strong> breakroom would be.<br />
Albino was sitting on an overturned PVC bucket, trying to staunch <strong>the</strong><br />
flow of blood coming out of his right index finger. The floor in front of<br />
him was covered over with bloody paper towels. “There you are,” he said.<br />
“You should go to <strong>the</strong> hospital,” I said.<br />
154
JOHN SHEPPARD<br />
“I’m a bleeder,” Albino said, slipping on <strong>the</strong> surgical glove. The<br />
fingertip instantly filled with blood. “These are nice and tight. They’ll<br />
stop <strong>the</strong> bleeding.”<br />
“Chinese food?” I asked him.<br />
“Yeah,” he said. “These guys come from Hong Kong. They fly<br />
into Canada. Drive down here. They’re all from <strong>the</strong> same family, all<br />
illegals. They make some kick-ass Chinese food, though.” He slapped me<br />
on <strong>the</strong> arm. “I owe you one. Gotta get back to work now.”<br />
I puttered back home. The night air felt good after <strong>the</strong> steamy<br />
kitchen. When I walked in <strong>the</strong> door, <strong>the</strong> phone was ringing. “Albino?”<br />
Bug asked.<br />
“No, this is Buzz,” I said. “Are you all right?” She didn’t sound all<br />
right.<br />
“Ciro ditched me,” she said. “We ran into that girl? Suzanne? She<br />
sat with us. About half-way through <strong>the</strong> movie, Suzanne and Ciro got up<br />
and left. I thought <strong>the</strong>y were going to <strong>the</strong> bathroom, but Ciro’s car isn’t<br />
in <strong>the</strong> parking lot, now I’m here all alone and I don’t know what to do.”<br />
“Go sit in <strong>the</strong> Orange and Brew. I’ll be right <strong>the</strong>re,” I said. I went<br />
back into Albino’s room and found his helmet in his closet. Bear was<br />
eating <strong>the</strong> cat’s shit again. I yelled at him <strong>the</strong>n nudged him out of<br />
Albino’s room and shut his door. He trotted out to <strong>the</strong> living room, sat<br />
down and belched loudly.<br />
I looped <strong>the</strong> chinstrap of <strong>the</strong> spare helmet to <strong>the</strong> sissybar and<br />
puttered off to <strong>the</strong> Reitz Union.<br />
I found Bug standing out front, shivering even though it wasn’t<br />
really cold, maybe <strong>the</strong> low 70’s. She was pacing back and forth, enraged.<br />
“I am so mad!” she told me. I clicked down <strong>the</strong> rear footpegs and handed<br />
her <strong>the</strong> helmet. “I swear I could kill him!”<br />
“That’s <strong>the</strong> spirit,” I said. I took off my denim jacket and handed<br />
it to her. “Put it on.”<br />
She put <strong>the</strong> jacket on; it was several times too big for her. We<br />
puttered back to my apartment, past fraternity row, past a pond filled<br />
with alligators and experimental farms. She yelled above <strong>the</strong> engine<br />
noise and windrush, “I COULD KILL HIM.”<br />
She followed me inside. Albino was sitting on <strong>the</strong> floor with a<br />
black expression on his face. “Why was my door shut?” he asked me.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 155
PUBLIC RADIO<br />
“This is Darby’s apartment, too, you know. Not just your dog’s<br />
apartment.” His hand was white-white, except for his fingertip, which<br />
was crusted over with black blood.<br />
“What happened to your finger?” Bug asked him. She rushed<br />
over to him and took his hand gingerly. She adjusted her oversized<br />
glasses on her undersized nose.<br />
“Knife,” Albino said, allowing her to study <strong>the</strong> wound.<br />
Bear crept up to him and took a sniff. “Beat it!” he shouted at<br />
him. Bear dashed down <strong>the</strong> hall.<br />
“Hey, man,” I said, starting feel a little angry. “No need to take it<br />
out on <strong>the</strong> pooch.”<br />
“I’m sick of that fucking dog!” Albino shouted.<br />
Bug backed away from him, slipped off my jacket and sat down<br />
on it on our ratty recliner.<br />
Now nobody was in a good mood in that room. I thought, Fuck<br />
him and his precious antisocial cat. I said, “I have to go to work now.”<br />
“You didn’t answer my question,” Albino said. “Why <strong>the</strong> fuck<br />
was my door closed?”<br />
“Fuck you,” I said, both words slow and deliberate, and went to<br />
my room to change.<br />
I was sitting in <strong>the</strong> back, at work, with my bro<strong>the</strong>r, bitching<br />
about Ciro and Albino and Albino’s fucking cat.<br />
I heard <strong>the</strong> clock punch. I went out front and saw Dee Dee.<br />
“What happened to you <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r night?” I asked her. She looked like<br />
she’d jogged <strong>the</strong> whole way in from Micanopy.<br />
“Sorry, sugar,” she said. “But <strong>the</strong>re was a fire.”<br />
I tried to continue being mad at her, but I couldn’t. “My<br />
bro<strong>the</strong>r’s here tonight,” I said.<br />
“Yeah,” she said. “Guess we’re gonna have to work instead of fool<br />
around.” She smiled. “Too bad, huh?”<br />
156
Little Wonders<br />
By Tony Byrer<br />
“I heard Ellen was shot by a little superhero <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r day,” Mary said,<br />
eyeing me over a glass of iced tea.<br />
“Was she hurt?” I asked, arching my eyebrows.<br />
“Not really,” she said. “They knocked her down with a power<br />
pulse. It burned her face a little, about like a sunburn.” She snorted.<br />
“Then <strong>the</strong>y fined her five hundred bucks.”<br />
“After shooting her? That’s mean.” I shook my head<br />
incredulously. “Well, what did I tell her?” I asked, dismissing <strong>the</strong><br />
shooting. Ellen and I had argued before about her habit of setting out<br />
poison for house mice.<br />
“The fact she uses poison,” I continued, “is not environmentally<br />
sound. That alone will bring those little superheroes running with <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
laser blasters and time warps and <strong>the</strong>ir goddamn little superhero magical<br />
powers.”<br />
“Bill...” Mary warned.<br />
I stood and paced about <strong>the</strong> deck. “Damn it,” I said, waving my<br />
arms. “I hate those creepy little things. They’re dangerous It seems like<br />
<strong>the</strong>y’re ei<strong>the</strong>r super liberal or ultra conservative. They don’t know <strong>the</strong><br />
meaning of restraint. And now I hear Congress is thinking of passing<br />
legislation to give <strong>the</strong> little monsters special protection. I even heard <strong>the</strong><br />
President wants to make all of <strong>the</strong>m part of <strong>the</strong> Justice Department.” I<br />
snorted. “Those little superheroes are more zealous than J. Edgar<br />
Hoover ever was.”<br />
Just <strong>the</strong>n I saw a quick, furtive movement out of <strong>the</strong> corner of my<br />
eye. I jerked my head around to look and glimpsed a bright flash. There<br />
was a flat, dry cracking sound. Mortar dust and brick chips sprayed <strong>the</strong><br />
side of my face. “Oh, hell,” I moaned.<br />
Mary’s eyes were wide. She gripped <strong>the</strong> arms of her lawn chair.<br />
“What was that?” Her voice trembled.<br />
“A little superhero,” I growled. “What <strong>the</strong> hell did we do?”<br />
There was ano<strong>the</strong>r bright flash. This time I heard an electric crackling<br />
sound, like <strong>the</strong> noise a bad light switch will make. A blue bolt flew<br />
through <strong>the</strong> air at me. “Damn,” I hissed, leaping sideways. Something<br />
tugged sharply at my collar. Glass shattered. I flew off <strong>the</strong> deck and hit<br />
<strong>the</strong> ground rolling. Mary was still standing on <strong>the</strong> deck, her hands held<br />
to her head. “Get down!” I yelled, gaining my feet.<br />
158
TONY BYRER<br />
She jumped off <strong>the</strong> deck and landed in a crouch. Her eyes darted<br />
over <strong>the</strong> deck, <strong>the</strong> lawn, and <strong>the</strong> driveway, looking for <strong>the</strong> little<br />
superhero. “Where is it?” she asked desperately.<br />
Ano<strong>the</strong>r blue bolt arced through <strong>the</strong> air toward us. I ducked and<br />
heard a crunch behind us. I turned and saw a baseball-sized hole in <strong>the</strong><br />
brick wall. “Damn it! The little shit’s destroying <strong>the</strong> house!” There were<br />
now two holes in <strong>the</strong> brick, and <strong>the</strong> kitchen window was shattered.<br />
The little bastard stepped out from under one of <strong>the</strong> steps<br />
leading up to <strong>the</strong> deck. He was a muscular little fellow, about three inches<br />
tall. He was dressed in red spandex with a white star emblazoned on his<br />
chest. From <strong>the</strong> thighs down, he appeared to be a machine. Bright metal<br />
winked in <strong>the</strong> light. I could barely make out hydraulics or pistons or<br />
something that must have moved his legs. His feet were X-shaped metal<br />
claws. A red hood with eye slits covered his face. He had no right arm. In<br />
its place he had some kind of laser cannon.<br />
“There it is!” I cried, pointing.<br />
“Wow,” Mary brea<strong>the</strong>d softly. “I’ve never actually seen one<br />
before.”<br />
It leveled its cannon arm at us. “Oh, shit,” I exhaled.<br />
“BILL AND MARY GLEASON,” it intoned clearly, “THE<br />
EARTH DEFENSE LEAGUE HAS FOUND YOU GUILTY OF<br />
POISONING THE ENVIRONMENT, TO WIT: ON TWO<br />
OCCASIONS YOU HAVE USED GASOLINE TO KILL WEEDS IN<br />
YOUR DRIVEWAY, IN VIOLATION OF EARTH DEFENSE<br />
LEAGUE STATUTES.” I heard a diminutive click and a sighting device<br />
popped up at <strong>the</strong> end of its cannon arm.<br />
“I, ANTHER,” it continued, “HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED TO<br />
PLACE YOU UNDER ARREST AND BRING YOU TO JUSTICE, IN<br />
ACCORDANCE WITH EARTH DEFENSE LEAGUE STATUTES.”<br />
“Hey, junior,” I called. “You need to get a little bit bigger in <strong>the</strong><br />
breeches before you come around messing with us big people.”<br />
“YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT,” <strong>the</strong> little<br />
guy said, ignoring me.<br />
“Yeah, yeah, I know. The right to an attorney and all.”<br />
“ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU.”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 159
LITTLE WONDERS<br />
“Where will it be used against me?” I asked, feeling a chill.<br />
“YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO COUNSEL.”<br />
“Just what are you going to do?” I demanded.<br />
“A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE U.S. JUSTICE ALLIANCE<br />
WILL BE APPOINTED AS YOUR COUNSELOR.”<br />
I turned to Mary and said, “I’d give anything for a can of extra<br />
strength Raid right now.”<br />
“SILENCE!” An<strong>the</strong>r pointed his laser arm at me. “LIE FACE<br />
DOWN AND CLASP YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD,” he<br />
commanded.<br />
I grabbed Mary’s arm and turned to run.<br />
“FREEZE!”<br />
Blue bolts slammed into <strong>the</strong> side of <strong>the</strong> house, spraying us with<br />
sharp brick fragments. Just as we rounded <strong>the</strong> corner of <strong>the</strong> house, one of<br />
<strong>the</strong> bolts caught <strong>the</strong> side of my shoe, whipping my leg out in front of me<br />
and slamming me flat on my back. I rolled onto my belly and crawled<br />
around <strong>the</strong> corner.<br />
Mary knelt beside me. “Are you all right?” she panted.<br />
“Knocked ... wind ... outta me,” I gasped.<br />
She pulled me to my feet. “Let’s go,” she said.<br />
She led me to <strong>the</strong> front door. I was gasping harshly as she<br />
slammed <strong>the</strong> door shut behind us. She thumbed <strong>the</strong> lock as I collapsed on<br />
a chair.<br />
“Shotgun,” I gasped.<br />
Mary ran into <strong>the</strong> bedroom and came back a half minute later<br />
cradling my twelve gage across one arm. She handed me <strong>the</strong> gun and<br />
tossed a box of shells in my lap.<br />
I began ramming shells into <strong>the</strong> chamber. My breathing was<br />
getting better and <strong>the</strong> pressure in my chest was easing up. “Little<br />
bastard,” I croaked. “Show him a powerful weapon.” I pumped a round<br />
into <strong>the</strong> firing chamber and stood beside <strong>the</strong> door. Mary moved behind<br />
me. We were both breathing heavily, waiting for something else to<br />
happen.<br />
160
TONY BYRER<br />
There was a loud crack. A smoking, fist sized hole appeared in<br />
<strong>the</strong> door. I raised <strong>the</strong> shotgun indecisively to my shoulder. Ano<strong>the</strong>r hole<br />
punched through <strong>the</strong> door. This time I could see <strong>the</strong> little bastard<br />
standing on <strong>the</strong> front deck, his smoking laser arm pointed at <strong>the</strong> door.<br />
I pulled <strong>the</strong> trigger and <strong>the</strong> bottom half of <strong>the</strong> door exploded.<br />
The little monster fell flat on his butt, his laser arm flailing in <strong>the</strong> air. I<br />
pumped ano<strong>the</strong>r round and fired. Splinters of wood leaped from <strong>the</strong> deck<br />
where he had been sitting. An<strong>the</strong>r was suddenly gone. All that remained<br />
was one of his metal claws and a fine red mist dispersing on <strong>the</strong> gentle<br />
breeze.<br />
“YEE HAW!” I screamed. “GOT YA, YA LITTLE SHIT!<br />
TEACH YA TO MEDDLE IN THE AFFAIRS OF BIG PEOPLE!” I<br />
danced in a circle, waving <strong>the</strong> shotgun above my head.<br />
“Bill!” Mary shrieked, pointing at <strong>the</strong> living room window.<br />
I stopped in mid-caper and gawked. A little woman in yellow<br />
spandex wearing a little yellow Lone Ranger mask stood on <strong>the</strong><br />
windowsill next to a little man in blue. He wore red briefs and a red cape.<br />
“I AM PISTIL,” <strong>the</strong> little woman intoned.<br />
“AND I,” announced <strong>the</strong> little man, “AM STAMEN.”<br />
“TOGETHER,” Pistil continued, “WE HAVE FOUND YOU,<br />
BILL GLEASON, GUILTY OF THE MURDER OF ANTHER, LATE<br />
OF THE EARTH DEFENSE LEAGUE.”<br />
Stamen extended his arm at me.<br />
“Shitfire,” I brea<strong>the</strong>d.<br />
Mary moaned, grabbing my arm and pulling me into <strong>the</strong><br />
kitchen.<br />
A white beam shot from Stamen’s index finger, lighting upon a<br />
kitchen chair. A gauzy white envelope of light surrounded <strong>the</strong> chair,<br />
which dissolved and collapsed into a pile of dust on <strong>the</strong> floor.<br />
Mary screamed and nearly tugged me off my feet. We wheeled<br />
and escaped into <strong>the</strong> hallway. Too late I noticed I’d dropped <strong>the</strong> shotgun<br />
on <strong>the</strong> living room floor. Stamen crouched over <strong>the</strong> end of <strong>the</strong> gun,<br />
gazing into <strong>the</strong> barrel.<br />
We ran down <strong>the</strong> short hallway and fled out <strong>the</strong> back door just as<br />
part of <strong>the</strong> ceiling collapsed behind us.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 161
LITTLE WONDERS<br />
We pounded down <strong>the</strong> steps and across <strong>the</strong> back yard toward <strong>the</strong><br />
driveway.<br />
“Do you have your keys?” Mary shouted.<br />
I fished in my pocket and shouted gladly as I grasped my car<br />
keys.<br />
We ran to <strong>the</strong> car. As I flung open <strong>the</strong> door, I thought I could<br />
hear sirens in <strong>the</strong> distance. Good, I thought, help’s finally on <strong>the</strong> way.<br />
“Get in!” cried Mary.<br />
I dropped behind <strong>the</strong> wheel and jammed <strong>the</strong> keys into <strong>the</strong><br />
ignition. As <strong>the</strong> engine growled to life, a white beam shot by <strong>the</strong> window,<br />
disintegrating a fencepost next to <strong>the</strong> drive.<br />
“Go go go!” Mary shrieked.<br />
I spun onto <strong>the</strong> road, <strong>the</strong> car shuddering over <strong>the</strong> berm like a sick<br />
dog.<br />
A news broadcast on <strong>the</strong> radio caught my attention.<br />
“...granting <strong>the</strong> so-called ‘little superheroes’ full law enforcement<br />
authority. KROX talked to <strong>the</strong> Green Machine of <strong>the</strong> Earth Defense<br />
League this morning. Here is what he had to say.”<br />
“THIS IS A GREAT VICTORY,” <strong>the</strong> Green Machine declared.<br />
“NOW THAT WE HAVE BEEN LEGITIMIZED BY THE U.S.<br />
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, THERE WILL BE NO DOUBTS<br />
CONCERNING OUR MAGISTRACY.”<br />
I snapped off <strong>the</strong> radio. I saw again An<strong>the</strong>r disappearing in a fine<br />
red mist. I caught a glimpse of myself in <strong>the</strong> rear view mirror. My eyes<br />
stared back at me from a shocked, white face.<br />
Mary’s face was hidden in her hands. “Oh, Bill,” she sobbed.<br />
“What’s going to happen to you?”<br />
I pulled <strong>the</strong> car off <strong>the</strong> road and stopped. I knew what was going<br />
to happen to me. My future came from behind, eating up <strong>the</strong> road, red<br />
lights flashing.<br />
I leaned back in <strong>the</strong> seat and closed my eyes, hands resting<br />
lightly on <strong>the</strong> wheel.<br />
162
Sitting Danny Rolling<br />
By Richard K. Weems<br />
The South is a sea of unsophisticated proteins, nor<strong>the</strong>rn Florida a<br />
regular primordial stew. The heat alone makes one wonder how waterbrea<strong>the</strong>rs<br />
could have seen anything so promising on <strong>the</strong> nearby beach<br />
that <strong>the</strong>y wanted to evolve up onto it. As a New Jersey high school punk<br />
I had been fully indoctrinated into <strong>the</strong> evils of <strong>the</strong> South: its Biblethumpers,<br />
snake churches and inbred psychosis. The Dead Kennedys had<br />
convinced me of Winnebago warriors and <strong>the</strong> goons of Hazzard, and hell<br />
I was still traumatized by Andy Kaufman getting his neck split open by a<br />
Tennessee wrestler. So when I moved to Gainesville in August of 1991<br />
to study fiction writing at <strong>the</strong> University of Florida, I had my guard up<br />
and was ready to fend off any hints of backward sou<strong>the</strong>rn living. I was a<br />
Nor<strong>the</strong>rn writer who aspired to styles like those of Raymond Carver or<br />
Ernest Hemingway. I wrote about sad, beaten-down characters who<br />
yearned for something in <strong>the</strong>ir lives, but I never knew what that<br />
something was, and as a result, nei<strong>the</strong>r did <strong>the</strong>y. They were polite stories,<br />
full of mystery that never gets resolved (or even brought to light)—in<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r words, uninteresting and unreadable.<br />
I arrived in Gainesville soon after <strong>the</strong> student murders, but<br />
before authorities had a culprit in custody. In essence, I had walked into a<br />
herd of wild filet mignon scenting a slight hint of carnivore in <strong>the</strong> air—<br />
but instead of mass hysteria and self-protective rioting or vigilantism,<br />
<strong>the</strong> student body lolled about with a dull foreboding of what <strong>the</strong>y most<br />
likely considered <strong>the</strong>ir fate. There wasn’t even a sense of avoidance—<br />
many students were keeping to <strong>the</strong>ir regular routine, as though<br />
acknowledging that if it was written in <strong>the</strong> cards that <strong>the</strong>y were to be<br />
butchered by a madman, <strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong>re was little to be gained from running<br />
away from <strong>the</strong> inevitable. Only faith in a higher order in <strong>the</strong> universe<br />
allows us anxiety and a sense that we have a calling that will be fulfilled<br />
barring bad luck. But in Jurassic Gainesville, we were back on <strong>the</strong> food<br />
chain, and a hungry predator was out <strong>the</strong>re, so all we could do was hope<br />
that we wouldn’t get caught limping by <strong>the</strong> water hole.<br />
I hung in <strong>the</strong> folds, too new to <strong>the</strong> area to chance grazing <strong>the</strong><br />
fields alone. As a result, my stories turned violent, full of characters who<br />
were full of rage, but still I had no sense of <strong>the</strong> source of that rage, and so<br />
whe<strong>the</strong>r my characters shot up prairie dogs or forced young girls to be<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir girlfriends, <strong>the</strong>ir actions remained empty and without motive, so I<br />
watched <strong>the</strong> news both for any promise of safety as well as to look for <strong>the</strong><br />
wellspring for rage in <strong>the</strong> world. Anything strange got immediate<br />
attention from <strong>the</strong> press, but in Gainesville, Florida it was hard to find<br />
164
RICHARD K. WEEMS<br />
something that was not strange. This was home of <strong>the</strong> Grand Poobah<br />
(whatever) of <strong>the</strong> nation’s largest chapter of <strong>the</strong> Ku Klux Klan. This was<br />
a land void of manifest destiny, where bugs of <strong>the</strong> most alien sort pretty<br />
much dictated whe<strong>the</strong>r you got to finish your box of Kix or had to throw<br />
it out and let <strong>the</strong> larvae grow. This was gator country. Not only had<br />
alligators managed to inhabit every natural body of water in <strong>the</strong> area, but<br />
a local town had a horn <strong>the</strong>y sounded when an indigenous thirteen-foot<br />
bull made its monthly round through <strong>the</strong> town’s main drive, <strong>the</strong> citizens<br />
cooped up in <strong>the</strong>ir trailers hoping <strong>the</strong>y didn’t smell too much like pork<br />
rinds. The University of Florida crew team practiced in a creek that had<br />
<strong>the</strong> highest proportion of gators to water in <strong>the</strong> entire state, effectively<br />
reducing <strong>the</strong> occurrences of <strong>the</strong> rowers tipping <strong>the</strong>ir shells. Gainesville<br />
was in easy walking distance of at least four state penitentiaries.<br />
If you were anything less than a sociopath, you were a news<br />
item. First, <strong>the</strong> wrong man confessed to <strong>the</strong> murders after beating up his<br />
grandmo<strong>the</strong>r. Then a voice-driven chronic schizophrenic set a rash of<br />
church fires. A five-foot lizard was loose in town for a while, eating<br />
housepets. When <strong>the</strong> local media asked <strong>the</strong> University of Florida animal<br />
labs if <strong>the</strong> lizard was <strong>the</strong>irs, <strong>the</strong>y said <strong>the</strong>y weren’t missing any. (These<br />
were serious labs—in 1991, UF held <strong>the</strong> world record for <strong>the</strong> largest<br />
water buffalo born of embryo transplant.) The news held no hope that<br />
our stalker in <strong>the</strong> high grass had ei<strong>the</strong>r been caught or had moved<br />
upwind for something tastier, and we dumb beasts still mulled about as if<br />
staying in herds made a difference.<br />
Even when <strong>the</strong> real killer, Danny Rolling, was caught, <strong>the</strong><br />
weirdness continued. Alachua County wasn’t sure it could afford <strong>the</strong> trial<br />
and applied for state funding. At his arraignment, Danny, a budding<br />
country-western singer/songwriter and recently engaged to Sondra<br />
London, got up and sang an original composition to his true love in place<br />
of a statement in his own defense. The Florida Supreme Court later<br />
passed a statute forbidding Danny, his fiancée or his bro<strong>the</strong>r from<br />
profiting on <strong>the</strong> book Danny had written about his life and crimes. For<br />
this reason alone, knowing that none of <strong>the</strong> guilty would see a cent from<br />
my purchase, did I eventually read it—an awful book, most disappointing<br />
in that Danny blamed <strong>the</strong> murders on a demon named GEMINI. It may<br />
take a demonic side to bite off a victim’s nipple and take it home with you<br />
in a sandwich bag, or saw off a head with a hunting knife and put it on<br />
display before you leave a blood-stained bedroom, but don’t get cheap<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 165
SITTING DANNY ROLLING<br />
and blame everything on temporary memory loss due to demonic<br />
possession.<br />
But <strong>the</strong> killer had indeed been caught, and this gave off miniscule<br />
flashes of hope. It was a brief respite back into <strong>the</strong> Age of Man, for<br />
Rolling had been tackled by Greek drama—he had left his hubris<br />
dangling.<br />
What had doomed Danny Rolling was his calling to music.<br />
While hiding from police, Danny would find a dark area to camp out,<br />
build a fire and compose. He sung of rape and brutality and <strong>the</strong> biting of<br />
nipples, and at <strong>the</strong> end of one tape he did a Johnny Cash and announced<br />
himself at <strong>the</strong> end of one of his compositions: “My name is Danny<br />
Rolling.” This tape eventually got into <strong>the</strong> hands of police and it was<br />
played on <strong>the</strong> news under a picture of dear, dear love-struck Danny in<br />
mid-croon to his Intended in <strong>the</strong> courtroom. Even <strong>the</strong> sweetest of<br />
grannies would have lobbied to pull <strong>the</strong> switch herself upon hearing <strong>the</strong><br />
true face of that monster.<br />
Meanwhile, I was tooling away at stories about men throwing<br />
bottles at <strong>the</strong>ir estranged wives, about sad people with dark lives, but<br />
nothing seemed to be clicking. I ended up throwing away almost every<br />
story I had written during my first year in Gainesville. None of my<br />
characters inspired any kind of three-dimensional feel. My characters<br />
had problems that I thought were <strong>the</strong> stuff of great stories—love, regret,<br />
loss—but <strong>the</strong>ir loves and regret and losses never felt real to me or to<br />
anyone who read <strong>the</strong>m. I had no doubts about my desire to write, but I<br />
couldn’t get in touch with <strong>the</strong> depth of <strong>the</strong>se emotions.<br />
The killer caught and doomed to fry, <strong>the</strong> Floridian lemmings<br />
loosened <strong>the</strong>ir tight circles, and I felt safe to browse and find my own<br />
niche of living with <strong>the</strong> oddities of this antediluvian culture. I ate lunch<br />
on campus every day with <strong>the</strong> Hare Krishnas because I was too poor to<br />
afford anything but <strong>free</strong> grub, and I was getting very good at playing<br />
Frisbee, which <strong>the</strong> Hare Krishnas played quite (ahem) religiously after<br />
eating. Because America is great, three sou<strong>the</strong>rn fundamentalists<br />
preached in <strong>the</strong> same plaza where <strong>the</strong> Krishnas did <strong>the</strong>ir thing, and no<br />
one had more right to this public space of land than <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r. While <strong>the</strong><br />
fundamentalists told passing students that <strong>the</strong>y were opening <strong>the</strong> doors<br />
to Hell and would not be happy until <strong>the</strong>y dropped <strong>the</strong>ir school books<br />
and picked up <strong>the</strong> good book, <strong>the</strong> Krishnas chanted and sang, and all was<br />
diverse in <strong>the</strong> world.<br />
166
RICHARD K. WEEMS<br />
But when evening news time came, I would flip among <strong>the</strong><br />
channels for <strong>the</strong> latest about <strong>the</strong> Danny Rolling case. I discussed and<br />
dissected every detail with my friend Kevin, an Alabama poet, fellow<br />
student and general madman. But we didn’t discuss details so much as<br />
rhapsodize on just how diseased a mu<strong>the</strong>rfucker Danny Rolling was. We<br />
shared details of <strong>the</strong> murders as <strong>the</strong>y were released, reconstructed crime<br />
scenes (verbally, of course), but mostly we were trying to figure out why<br />
one break-in would result in rape, murder and mutilation while ano<strong>the</strong>r<br />
would end up in rape alone, ano<strong>the</strong>r in plain burglary. Rolling was a<br />
prolific criminal, but <strong>the</strong>re didn’t seem to be a steady pattern behind his<br />
actions. It’s too easy to envision serial killers as <strong>the</strong>se rampaging<br />
Rambos, shooting up movie sets on a regular cycle, by <strong>the</strong> moon or<br />
abusive parents’ anniversary. But organized serial killers live among <strong>the</strong><br />
docile with only a modicum of ickyness emanating towards <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
neighbors and peers, and certainly not enough for anyone to think<br />
<strong>the</strong>re’s a nearby crawlspace being loaded up with carcasses. Some killers<br />
were even considered pillars of <strong>the</strong>ir communities, this while <strong>the</strong>y’re<br />
luring co-eds to horrid fates on <strong>the</strong> sly. Kevin and I wanted to<br />
understand Rolling’s compulsions, his desires and essences that made his<br />
killing days as much as a part of him as putting his right leg into his<br />
pants first or preferring pepperoni and black olives on his pizza.<br />
Son of Sam picked a certain phenotype of female to shoot at. Ted<br />
Bundy also wanted a certain look to his women. Dahmer wanted men he<br />
felt he would be able to control and fulfill his fantasies of love zombies<br />
and shrines of immortality, and Richard Ramirez did whatever he damn<br />
well pleased. Rolling also had some kind of plan, Kevin and I figured,<br />
however chaotic. Something made a killing night deadly, and something<br />
else kept simple B & E fully satisfying (let’s keep that demonic possession<br />
shit out of it). Figuring that out seemed to be <strong>the</strong> essence of everything,<br />
and this is what Kevin and I were trying to divine.<br />
We read newspapers and watched TV for all <strong>the</strong> information our<br />
frying brains could hold, but we also worked on our <strong>the</strong>sis through some<br />
major binge drinking. A good, all-out drunk sometimes brought a kind<br />
of clarity intellectual discussion couldn’t. We were also on a religious<br />
mission to get porcelained, inspired by our artistic alcoholic icon, Peter<br />
O’Toole. The idea was to go on a good multiple-day drunk, <strong>the</strong> only<br />
sleep taken during blackouts, until SNAP!—total sobriety. The eyes<br />
glaze, <strong>the</strong> skin dews, and everything you need to know is lying <strong>the</strong>re<br />
before you wrapped in microwave-safe paper.<br />
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SITTING DANNY ROLLING<br />
That was <strong>the</strong> <strong>the</strong>ory at least, and we put it to <strong>the</strong> test at Kevin’s<br />
apartment during Spring Break. We anticipated moments of mindnumbing<br />
revelation and profound deliberation on Danny Rolling’s soul.<br />
But mostly it was chugging down Kash & Karry brand banana liqueur<br />
(<strong>the</strong> cheapest booze available) and spending long periods on <strong>the</strong> couch<br />
blissfully unaware of our current state of consciousness. If one of us had<br />
an intuition, we’d follow it <strong>the</strong> best we could, but it usually didn’t last<br />
long before it became drunken babble and we’d resume staring at <strong>the</strong> far<br />
wall, Marlene Deitrich playing on <strong>the</strong> CD player and <strong>the</strong> banana liqueur<br />
wedged into <strong>the</strong> cracks between <strong>the</strong> cushions for easy access.<br />
And <strong>the</strong>n it was towards <strong>the</strong> end of our third day that Kevin had<br />
a flash—maybe not revelation, but certainly inspiration.<br />
“He was right out back here, man,” Kevin said, his eyes suddenly<br />
bright with a Ginsu edge. “Let’s go find it, man, we gotta go find it<br />
Weems, right out back, that’s where it was.”<br />
I knew right from <strong>the</strong> very start that Kevin was full of shit. We<br />
both knew that Rolling would occasionally camp out at random spots in<br />
town to elude police, but we had never heard any indication that Rolling<br />
had actually camped out behind Kevin’s apartment complex. Kevin had<br />
woods back <strong>the</strong>re, a good place to camp out, but why would he only make<br />
<strong>the</strong> connection now?<br />
But Kevin was on to something deeper than <strong>the</strong> truth, and even<br />
if he was only in <strong>the</strong> height of sweet, sticky liqueur delusion, <strong>the</strong> manic<br />
storm behind his glazed eyes was hard to deny. I agreed to go outside<br />
with him.<br />
There was a fire pit out <strong>the</strong>re. That much is certain. An<br />
amphi<strong>the</strong>ater of three cinder blocks—one for Danny, one for his tape<br />
recorder, and <strong>the</strong> third? GEMINI seat. Bullshit evil spirit seat. That<br />
would be <strong>the</strong> one in <strong>the</strong> middle.<br />
And that was <strong>the</strong> one Kevin planted himself at. A kind of calm<br />
came over him, a settling in. A mental reclining. The block must not<br />
have been too hard, not too soft, not too hot, not too cold. A real baby<br />
bear block.<br />
“He was right here, man,” Kevin said, his words chopped by<br />
incessant giggles. “Right here man, he sat right here, singing his songs,<br />
168
RICHARD K. WEEMS<br />
man. Singing his goddamn songs.” Kevin was as certain of this as he was<br />
certain of his own hair.<br />
And <strong>the</strong>n it hit me. Not quite inspiration, but more of a<br />
revelation. As Kevin tried to evoke Rolling energy up through his ass,<br />
waving his hands as if he could incite <strong>the</strong> dead fire before us, I took in a<br />
deep breath and had a good look around me.<br />
There were no lights behind Kevin’s complex. Gainesville was a<br />
dark, featureless cloud that teemed with insect life that I had only seen<br />
up north on Creature Double-Feature. Even in <strong>the</strong> dark, <strong>the</strong> very air<br />
seemed to wriggle with unyielding life. And all this heat. What creative<br />
energy! How could you come to this place and not transform, de-evolve,<br />
and mutate into something base and in visceral contact with <strong>the</strong> world?<br />
And when that sweet, treacherous kind of mutation takes place, what else<br />
is <strong>the</strong>re to do about it but throw your primal rage into a creative scream?<br />
If you didn’t, you were sure to shrivel into a dehydrated yam in this heat.<br />
Kevin had his poetry. Me, my stories. O<strong>the</strong>rs turned to thumping <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
bibles or amassing hubcap pyramids outside <strong>the</strong>ir trailers. One of my<br />
neighbors had constructed an American flag on her front yard out of<br />
hundreds of gallon milk jugs filled with red-, white-, or blue-colored<br />
liquid. This was <strong>the</strong> secret behind <strong>the</strong> Sou<strong>the</strong>rn whoop, that cowboy hoot<br />
that’s done in seemingly random moments, out <strong>the</strong> windows of <strong>the</strong> pickup<br />
or when <strong>the</strong> bartender brings your new pitcher of Pabst Blue Ribbon.<br />
The brain is boiling, boiling off those frivolous layers of evolution that<br />
fooled us into this crazy idea that we have one up on nature. You are<br />
reduced to a soft-boiled egg of vulnerability, waiting to get chomped by<br />
<strong>the</strong> next passing rodent down <strong>the</strong> pike, so what is <strong>the</strong>re left to do but<br />
whoop it up and declare to <strong>the</strong> heavens that, if you are going to be<br />
quashed like a palmetto bug under <strong>the</strong> heel of a combat boot, you’re<br />
going to leave one hell of a stain? While Kevin sat Danny Rolling and<br />
played air guitar and was maybe even able to conjure up some feeling of<br />
what it would be like to be on <strong>the</strong> lam, a trail of rape and murder strung<br />
out behind him like beer cans following newlyweds, I realized I had no<br />
clue about that kind of rage, <strong>the</strong> rage that makes mankind slaughter<br />
mankind. But I did understand <strong>the</strong> need to sing about it afterwards, to<br />
write.<br />
In <strong>the</strong> end, I finished my masters <strong>the</strong>sis and got my degree. Most<br />
of <strong>the</strong> stories in <strong>the</strong>re were still somewhat lackluster, maybe even plain,<br />
but I did learn something fuller about <strong>the</strong> scarier side of <strong>the</strong> world.<br />
People are an anxious mixture of godliness and monstrosity—often not<br />
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SITTING DANNY ROLLING<br />
good enough for <strong>the</strong> former, and too easily able to live up to <strong>the</strong> latter,<br />
and that became <strong>the</strong> stuff worth writing about.<br />
Kevin died before he was forty. He choked to death on a roast<br />
beef deli end in front of <strong>the</strong> convenience store he’d bought it from. No<br />
one heard it, but I have no doubt that he let out his own whoop before<br />
giving up <strong>the</strong> ghost. Last October, Danny Rolling finally got his.<br />
Strapped down and injected—that sick fuck didn’t get in a last concert<br />
before his death.<br />
170
One Crazy Bastard<br />
By Todd Taylor<br />
His name was Marshall Phillips. I first met him in an AA meeting<br />
towards <strong>the</strong> end of 1991. He would sit in <strong>the</strong> meetings chain smoking<br />
and giving crazy, high-pitched laughs without reason.<br />
Yet, despite his obvious mental illness, he was fairly intelligent.<br />
After one of <strong>the</strong> meetings we talked for a while and I found out<br />
that he dabbled as a rock n’ roll singer — and suffered from bipolar<br />
disorder. We got toge<strong>the</strong>r and jammed a few times, with me on an<br />
acoustic guitar and him vocalizing. He memorized a few of <strong>the</strong> songs I<br />
had written and we started showing up to open mic nights in Deep<br />
Ellum, an old warehouse district turned into an artsy-fartsy yuppie<br />
haven.<br />
We mostly hit on one coffee joint, Jumpin’ Java, and bored <strong>the</strong><br />
usual poetry/bohemian/goth crowd that hung out <strong>the</strong>re.<br />
We longed to get a rock band toge<strong>the</strong>r but we were short on<br />
funds and musician friends. The people we needed were a drummer and<br />
bass player. We met a few but nothing ever panned out. The only<br />
drummer we came across was a skinny kid, Johnny, who worked at<br />
Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers.<br />
We had to jam inside my upstairs apartment since Johnny’s<br />
parents wouldn’t allow us to jam at <strong>the</strong>ir house. My apartment didn’t<br />
work out well ei<strong>the</strong>r, for obvious reasons. We got in about 30 minutes<br />
worth of practice before <strong>the</strong> neighbors would start bitching. A couple of<br />
times <strong>the</strong> cops came. Luckily, no one was ticketed or arrested.<br />
Never<strong>the</strong>less, we had to find a new place to practice. Before that could<br />
happen, though, Johnny blew us off. I didn’t blame him.<br />
Months later I would also extricate myself from Marshall’s<br />
crazy ass.<br />
One reason for Johnny’s departure was Marshall’s behavior. He<br />
never took his lithium pills so he was always soaring from ecstatic highs<br />
to depressive lows every few hours. When he was manic he knew<br />
everything in <strong>the</strong> world and would be constantly trying to tell Johnny<br />
how to play <strong>the</strong> drums. Marshall would get some beat in his head that he<br />
would try to make Johnny replicate, barking orders like a drill sergeant.<br />
Also, Marshall would literally bounce off my apartment walls<br />
and jump off of my balcony—a 20 foot drop—<strong>the</strong>n come back inside for<br />
some more jamming. At first, I thought he was trying to commit suicide<br />
172
TODD TAYLOR<br />
by jumping to <strong>the</strong> ground but <strong>the</strong>n he explained to me that he had joined<br />
<strong>the</strong> Army and had trained as a paratrooper. He told me he knew how to<br />
tuck-and-roll, a way to bounce off your feet when you hit <strong>the</strong> ground.<br />
You’d put your arms over you head to avoid injury. He said he was given<br />
a special mental illness discharge for his bipolar disorder.<br />
Before Johnny ran away from us like a roadrunner on speed we<br />
had also been jamming with a bass player named Keith. He had what a<br />
friend of mine (David Foe of Roach Egg Invasion infamy) used to call a<br />
“safety” hawk. This is a very wide mohawk. My friend used to call it that<br />
because he said you could still get a job with that haircut. It was like <strong>the</strong><br />
punk rock version of <strong>the</strong> mullet.<br />
My friend was right because Keith worked at McDonald’s. On<br />
his best days, his bass playing was okay. On his worst, it sucked.<br />
However, he could stomach Marshall so that was something.<br />
As <strong>the</strong> months went by I ended up begging, borrowing and<br />
stealing money to rent a rehearsal space in Irving for a six-hour block.<br />
One time, during Marshall’s acute insanity, we came up with a song<br />
called Blue Balls. He wrote <strong>the</strong> lyrics and I wrote <strong>the</strong> music.<br />
After <strong>the</strong> first month Keith had all he could stand and left after<br />
he and Marshall got into a fist fight. During his mania, Marshall was<br />
also an expert bass player. We continued to jam toge<strong>the</strong>r, providing me a<br />
bird’s eye view of Marshall’s antics.<br />
One time, in an AA meeting, some old fart guru three days older<br />
than dirt, and just as pretty, started ragging on Marshall, saying he<br />
wasn’t working a good AA program. He also said he didn’t believe that<br />
Marshall had been sober for over a year. Marshall took it grinning.<br />
When we left <strong>the</strong> meeting to get into my car and leave Marshall found<br />
<strong>the</strong> old fart’s car with <strong>the</strong> passenger side window rolled down and pissed<br />
into <strong>the</strong> passenger seat. I shuffled him into my car as quickly as possible<br />
and got <strong>the</strong> hell out of <strong>the</strong>re.<br />
Marshall laughed like an insane idiot on <strong>the</strong> way back to my<br />
place. Halfway home, after my fear subsided of getting caught, I joined<br />
him in his merriment. I had gotten <strong>the</strong> same treatment from time to time<br />
from <strong>the</strong> same old fart and admired Marshall’s guts for getting back at<br />
him. He had <strong>the</strong> guts but it wouldn’t be enough to save our collaboration.<br />
Marshall was a big guy with long brown, wavy hair, though he<br />
shaved his head completely bald at one point. This was before it was<br />
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ONE CRAZY BASTARD<br />
fashionable. He also climbed across <strong>the</strong> roof of my car from one side to<br />
<strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r while I was driving down <strong>the</strong> <strong>free</strong>way at 60 mph. My girlfriend<br />
at <strong>the</strong> time (future ex-wife) freaked out. And once he laughed through<br />
some parts of The Prince Of Tides, while he was over at our place, he was<br />
at <strong>the</strong> top of her shit list.<br />
I had some sympathy for <strong>the</strong> guy, though. He told me once he<br />
went through heroin withdrawals in a Florida ditch. He had also been to<br />
<strong>the</strong> Terrell Mental Institution several times, <strong>the</strong> last time for running<br />
around naked in Reunion Tower in Dallas.<br />
Like I said he was clinically insane.<br />
I met his mo<strong>the</strong>r once and saw where at least part of his<br />
craziness came from. She was an old Sou<strong>the</strong>rn anal-retentive bitch<br />
whose voice grated on you like fingernails across a chalk board. I was<br />
truly surprised he had not cut her up in a 1000 pieces and buried her in<br />
<strong>the</strong> backyard. She was a neat freak and her modest home looked like a<br />
white trash showroom. She would yell at Marshall for not using a<br />
coaster when he drank something, missing a crumb on <strong>the</strong> carpet when<br />
he vacuumed, missing a water drop when he washed and dried her car,<br />
etc.<br />
However, before I escaped Marshall, I managed to borrow some<br />
money from a friend and we made a demo tape. We called ourselves<br />
Spastic Revolt. It wasn’t really a band because I had put an ad in <strong>the</strong><br />
newspaper and hired a bass player and drummer to play. Our hopes were<br />
that we could use <strong>the</strong> demo to recruit a permanent bass player and<br />
drummer. We tried to get <strong>the</strong> guys who played on <strong>the</strong> tape to stick<br />
around but <strong>the</strong>y already had permanent gigs. They did our thing solely<br />
for <strong>the</strong> money. One of our songs, Desert Storm, was played on a nowdefunct<br />
Dallas rock ‘n roll radio station, Q102, in October ‘93 on <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
local new music program.<br />
That was our 15 minutes of fame.<br />
But even this brief radio exposure did nothing to attract a<br />
drummer. We did sign up ano<strong>the</strong>r bass player to <strong>the</strong> project and I joined<br />
him in ano<strong>the</strong>r band, Chamberlye, once I finally grew sick of Marshall’s<br />
insanity.<br />
Wherever he is now I wish him luck, <strong>the</strong> crazy bastard.<br />
174
Cruising With My Lights On Dim<br />
By R. Lee<br />
Yesterday afternoon as I was driving to work I began to feel a bit sick in<br />
<strong>the</strong> head.<br />
There I was anxiously racing to a place I didn’t want to arrive at.<br />
And as I looked out at <strong>the</strong> traffic clustered around me like roaring bombs<br />
I couldn’t help but wonder what had I gotten myself into? Why do I do<br />
this? What <strong>the</strong> hell has any of this to do with me?<br />
These are bad thoughts to have in <strong>the</strong> midst of so much heavy<br />
metal and velocity. Wholesale doubt is not healthy at <strong>the</strong>se speeds. It<br />
would be so easy to do something drastic. A quick jerk to <strong>the</strong> right<br />
would result in <strong>the</strong> sort of carnage <strong>the</strong> evening newscasters would wet<br />
<strong>the</strong>mselves narrating.<br />
This is not <strong>the</strong> time to ponder <strong>the</strong> shrieking futility of my<br />
existence, but I can’t seem to help myself. It comes over me almost every<br />
day at about this same time. I used to think <strong>the</strong>se low-grade freakouts<br />
were induced by <strong>the</strong> looming prospect of having ano<strong>the</strong>r 10 or so hours<br />
peeled from my life by <strong>the</strong> job, but now I suspect <strong>the</strong>re’s something more<br />
insidious working my head.<br />
I think what’s pushing me to <strong>the</strong> brink are all those flashing<br />
reminders that I speed past on my way in to work… those walls of hot<br />
color that shout to me with enormous bursts of image and text… those<br />
millisecond seductions that are trying to convince me that it makes<br />
perfect sense to be out <strong>the</strong>re strapped into that machine, barreling down<br />
a vast ditch of concrete that leads me nowhere I want to be.<br />
It’s those fucking billboards.<br />
There are hundreds of <strong>the</strong>m out <strong>the</strong>re. They jump up one after<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r. They’ve planted those things so thick along <strong>the</strong> stretch of road I<br />
travel to work that <strong>the</strong> horizon has been effectively blotted out. Fortyfoot<br />
advertisements for cars and food and beer and women and laughter<br />
and tanned skin and surgically enhanced eyeballs. They all seem to say,<br />
to hell with your muddy contemplation - we’ve got sparkling<br />
amusements just for you. The message is clear: Don’t waste your time<br />
dreaming about that confusing world beyond <strong>the</strong>se offerings. Forget all<br />
that difficult crap. This is what you really want. This is all you’ll ever<br />
need. Now quit thinking and get your ass back to work.<br />
If <strong>the</strong>re’s such a thing as commercial sickness, I’ve got it. I feel as<br />
if everywhere I go I’m getting this shit shoveled into my face. It’s not <strong>the</strong><br />
endless parade of things I don’t ever want that bo<strong>the</strong>rs me so much as<br />
176
R. LEE<br />
<strong>the</strong> subtext of <strong>the</strong> messages that accompany <strong>the</strong>se come-ons. What gets<br />
to me are <strong>the</strong> persistent suggestions about how I should be… how I<br />
should think and live and what sort of desires are considered legitimate<br />
in world where everything always comes down to <strong>the</strong> hunger for more<br />
and more things and more and more money.<br />
If your mental palate is in tune with <strong>the</strong> popular taste, <strong>the</strong>n most<br />
of this constant declaiming of THE NEW floats about you like an easy<br />
breeze. It’s <strong>the</strong> <strong>the</strong>me to who you are and what you’re about. But if you’re<br />
a bit off and can’t get with <strong>the</strong> notion that a flashy car or a trip to a<br />
corporate resort will improve your life, <strong>the</strong>n all this adrenalized baying<br />
amounts to nothing less than a ceaseless reminder that you are at odds<br />
with <strong>the</strong> world around you. And to have that conflict pointed out to you<br />
on a perpetual basis becomes extremely wearying.<br />
You’d think by now, that we’d all be pretty much immune to <strong>the</strong><br />
endless swirl of advertising and <strong>the</strong> humiliating tactics <strong>the</strong>se hacks<br />
employ to make us feel deficient until we’ve embraced <strong>the</strong>ir product, but<br />
I can’t seem to get used to it. I’m hit hard by <strong>the</strong>se concentrated doses of<br />
a culture I find repugnant. Repetition hasn’t inured me to <strong>the</strong> annoyance<br />
of <strong>the</strong>se constant intrusions. As I grow older <strong>the</strong> chaffing only seems to<br />
get worse. I’ll see some innocuous ad where a leering creep is hawking<br />
toothpaste and I take it as a personal insult. There’s this one guy who<br />
walks around town under a sandwich board advertising a rib joint and<br />
each time I pass him I have <strong>the</strong> urge to throw up. I don’t want to be<br />
surrounded by all <strong>the</strong>se degrading reminders that I’m at odds with my<br />
environment. If I thought <strong>the</strong>re was <strong>the</strong> slightest chance that I could<br />
make that drive in to work blindfolded, I’d give it a shot.<br />
It wasn’t always this way with me. I mean, I was never quite<br />
“right”, but rubbing up against <strong>the</strong> common blight didn’t always induce<br />
<strong>the</strong> dread it inspires in me <strong>the</strong>se days. When I was 16 it was kind of<br />
thrilling to be a weirdo amidst <strong>the</strong> herd of straights I lived within. At 26<br />
I still took some pride in <strong>the</strong> fact that I hadn’t been duped into <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
brand of normalcy. But by 36 I was sick and tired of being <strong>the</strong> geek.<br />
Actually, it wasn’t myself I was sick of; I was sick of <strong>the</strong>m and <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
world. Sick of being surrounded by so many wind-up drones and <strong>the</strong><br />
pyrotechnic emptiness <strong>the</strong>y worship.<br />
So I did what all freaks who want to remain alive eventually do: I<br />
retreated. In truth, I’d been retreating for some time, but by <strong>the</strong> time I’d<br />
hit my 30s I was well off into a universe of my own making. I got to a<br />
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CRUISING WITH MY LIGHTS ON DIM<br />
place where <strong>the</strong> relationships I had with books and old jazz records were<br />
far more meaningful and satisfying than those I felt pushed into having<br />
with almost all of <strong>the</strong> people around me. An hour spent listening to<br />
Ukulele Ike or reading T’ao Ch’ien would reverberate through my mind<br />
for days, but <strong>the</strong> numbing 8 hours I’d pass along side a person I worked<br />
with would fall away just as soon as I left <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
Over time I’ve managed to construct something like a public<br />
hermitage for myself. I’ve fallen between <strong>the</strong> cracks of <strong>the</strong> dominant<br />
culture and built an invisible kingdom where a misfit can feel at home.<br />
O<strong>the</strong>r than moving to a mud hut in <strong>the</strong> woods <strong>the</strong>re was no o<strong>the</strong>r way<br />
for me to go. Had I tried to fit in and live <strong>the</strong>ir way, I’m certain I would<br />
have gone completely mad. What makes sense for THEM is poison to<br />
me. Nothing <strong>the</strong>y celebrate appeals. I don’t like <strong>the</strong>ir houses, <strong>the</strong>ir jobs,<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir logic or <strong>the</strong>ir gods. I’m an a<strong>the</strong>ist. An anarchist. A layabout loner<br />
with a vulgar mind.<br />
I’m out of step with <strong>the</strong>ir hyper, instantaneous world. I find all<br />
that glorious efficiency deadening. I like to function at about half <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
speed. I have no desire to catch up. In fact, I strive to retard myself to an<br />
ever-greater degree. I’m happy to fall fur<strong>the</strong>r and fur<strong>the</strong>r behind. I don’t<br />
buy into <strong>the</strong>ir struggle. I gain my escape by sitting still.<br />
I like things that are slow and old and out of date. Gently used is<br />
not my bag. I prefer <strong>the</strong> neglected and discarded. Dents and rust create<br />
beautiful patterns. I’ve fallen in love with strange ideas and forgotten<br />
music and thick beer. All <strong>the</strong>ir drama and rowdy enthusiasm doesn’t do<br />
shit for me. I prefer long, silent walks alone.<br />
The urge here is to start listing my passions, but I have to be<br />
careful about being too specific. That would only betray my hermitage.<br />
That would make me less invisible and I don’t ever want that. I cherish<br />
my anonymity.<br />
I admit this is an odd way to live. I haunt <strong>the</strong> consensual world<br />
like a ghost. I skirt <strong>the</strong> edges of <strong>the</strong>ir reality and fade from sight at <strong>the</strong><br />
first possible opportunity. I’m amiable, but thoroughly distracted. People<br />
talk to me and quickly discover I’m about half out of it. Distant. I have<br />
nothing to say to <strong>the</strong>m and I’m not much interested in what <strong>the</strong>y have to<br />
say to me. If I make <strong>the</strong> effort, I can just barely converse with most<br />
people. If <strong>the</strong>y insist on conversation, I spew cant. What else can I do? I<br />
know next to nothing about <strong>the</strong> things <strong>the</strong>y like to talk about. I don’t<br />
follow sports. I don’t know anything about what’s on TV. I don’t like cars<br />
178
R. LEE<br />
or popular music. I don’t like movies and I think most kids and all dogs<br />
are not <strong>the</strong> least bit interesting. Do I sound proud of my alienation? In<br />
my way, I guess I am. To a certain degree, I feel as though I’ve achieved a<br />
<strong>free</strong>dom from <strong>the</strong> dominance of <strong>the</strong>ir banality. It’s something that I’ve<br />
always yearned for.<br />
Let me show you an example of how this kind of thing goes. This<br />
occurred just last week. A guy I was working with started telling me<br />
about how he had spent <strong>the</strong> weekend at some casino playing poker. It<br />
took a while, but it eventually became clear to him that I couldn’t have<br />
cared less about anything he was saying. Instead of just shutting his<br />
mouth he attempted to draw me out. He kept nosing around and finally<br />
came right out with it.<br />
He said, “So what did you do this weekend?”<br />
Unfortunately, I was feeling less reticent than usual. To be<br />
honest, I was slightly angry. He’d been gushing his garbage for so long<br />
that I wanted to give him a taste of what it had been like for me to sit<br />
through his vapid spiel.<br />
I told him my girlfriend and I drove to Madison and looked<br />
around used bookstores.<br />
“Oh,” he said. He didn’t know what to make of that.<br />
I helped him out. I told him what it is that appeals to me so much<br />
about old bookstores and why I like to spend so much time in <strong>the</strong>m. I<br />
told him how I love going through all those racks full of disregarded<br />
books… how for every Hemingway in <strong>the</strong> stacks <strong>the</strong>re are a hundred<br />
forgotten authors who took great care with <strong>the</strong>ir writing and poured<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir existence into books that will never be read again. I told him I<br />
found <strong>the</strong> ultimate triviality of <strong>the</strong>ir efforts to be beautiful and that it<br />
illustrates that <strong>the</strong>re can be a kind of wonderful grace to <strong>the</strong> base-level<br />
absurdity that informs all of our lives.<br />
Well, at least, that’s what I tried to tell him. What actually came<br />
out of my mouth was probably even less coherent than what I’ve just<br />
written. But if <strong>the</strong> baffled look on his face was any indication, I think I<br />
got my larger point across. And I don’t think he’ll be bo<strong>the</strong>ring me with<br />
his poker exploits anymore.<br />
Usually, I don’t feel <strong>the</strong> need to spit my oddness into a person’s<br />
face this way. Most often my responses to <strong>the</strong>ir intrusions are so<br />
lackadaisical and dim-witted that whatever meager interest <strong>the</strong>y may<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 179
CRUISING WITH MY LIGHTS ON DIM<br />
have in me quickly dies of its own inertia. It takes so little effort on my<br />
part that I can often dispense of <strong>the</strong>m without having to interrupt my<br />
own thoughts.<br />
So is this anyway to deal with people? Alienate <strong>the</strong>m?<br />
Discourage <strong>the</strong>ir enthusiasms? Make <strong>the</strong>m uncomfortable in your<br />
presence? After all, <strong>the</strong> majority of people are basically good, aren’t<br />
<strong>the</strong>y?<br />
Maybe.<br />
I don’t know. And I don’t much care. I just don’t like being<br />
around <strong>the</strong>m, that’s all.<br />
For most people, this would obviously not be a constructive<br />
approach to public life, but it seems to work all right for people such as<br />
myself. It’s how we get to a place where <strong>the</strong> common dross is less<br />
invasive. It’s how you develop a quieter space for yourself where <strong>the</strong><br />
constant suggestions of o<strong>the</strong>rs aren’t permitted to trample what is<br />
original to your own mind.<br />
This isn’t “nice” and this won’t ever be mistaken for “good”<br />
behavior, but I try not to burden myself with such maudlin sensibilities. I<br />
can’t afford to. For me, it’s always an uphill run. Everywhere I go, I’m<br />
reminded that my views are contrary and out of sync. In this kind of<br />
atmosphere you’ll ei<strong>the</strong>r carve out a spot for yourself or get washed away<br />
by <strong>the</strong> milky tide of <strong>the</strong>ir chintzy desires, <strong>the</strong>ir luke-warm beliefs and<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir cancerous notions of propriety. I don’t want that. Ever. And when it<br />
comes right down to it, I don’t feel <strong>the</strong> least bit of remorse about doing<br />
whatever it is I need to do to keep <strong>the</strong>m at bay. This is how I survive.<br />
180
Focus<br />
By Kurt Eisenlohr<br />
Later that evening, Marcus dropped by. I put a beer in his hand and sat<br />
him on <strong>the</strong> couch.<br />
“Listen to this,” I told him. “It’s a recording I made of one of my uncles<br />
back in Michigan when I was a kid. Think of it as a radio play. My uncle’s<br />
name was Dick. He’s <strong>the</strong> guy with <strong>the</strong> loud obnoxious voice. There’s a<br />
guy named Elliot on here, too. Elliot is <strong>the</strong> one who sounds brain<br />
damaged.” I pressed PLAY and swallowed a dilaudid.<br />
Elliot: I’ll bet you could guess for hours and never figure out where I was<br />
goin.<br />
Dick: I wanna ask you somethin right now--if you’re so fuckin<br />
intelligent, why are you doin what you’re doin today at <strong>the</strong> Stillwater<br />
Wire? Why’d you take my fuckin job away from me?<br />
Elliot: Take your job away?<br />
Dick: Yeah, why’d you do that?<br />
Elliot: What?<br />
Dick: Can ya handle my job?<br />
Elliot: Your job? Where?<br />
Dick: Stillwater Wire!<br />
Elliot: My job? I like my job.<br />
Dick: Could ya handle my job?<br />
Elliot: I could?<br />
Dick: Could ya? Can ya make a set-up?<br />
Elliot: I could set up.<br />
Dick: I’ll tell ya what. I’ll tear a one-ten down, or one twenty-five,<br />
eighteen, twenty-one fuckin guns, electrodes, and one-ten--I got better’n<br />
that--ya wanna check it out?<br />
Elliot: I can clean electrodes.<br />
Dick: Fuck, ya don’t know how to set <strong>the</strong> sonofabitch up, ya don’t know<br />
what fuckin fixtures to use!<br />
Elliot: I could not do maintenance, but I could set things up.<br />
Dick: Could ya? I’ll talk to Jack Relic tomorrow. I need a helper. I got<br />
three fuckin guys workin under me now don’t know a fuckin thing about<br />
182
KURT EISENLOHR<br />
a set-up. There’s only one man that can do a set-up, and that’s me. I’m<br />
talkin about big fuckin machines now. I’m not talkin job shop, <strong>the</strong>m little<br />
fuckin guns <strong>the</strong>re. I’m talkin about twenty-one fuckin guns, or sixteen, or<br />
twenty-one fuckin...Hey, fixtures, man! I set <strong>the</strong>m fuckers up! I’m <strong>the</strong><br />
only one can fuckin do it!<br />
Elliot: Oh?<br />
Dick: Ya wanna talk to Mr. Pedder?<br />
Elliot: Who?<br />
Dick: The boss! The president! Mr. Pedder!<br />
Elliot: What about?<br />
Dick: You wanna be a set-up man?<br />
Elliot: I could.<br />
Dick: Ya could?<br />
Elliot: It’d be more money than welding.<br />
Dick: I don’t think so.<br />
Elliot: I’ll earn it somehow--work my butt off.<br />
Dick: Ya know what I make an hour?<br />
Elliot: Probably six, seven bucks.<br />
Dick: Noooo, three-seventy-five. I’m not in <strong>the</strong> union yet. I’m not in <strong>the</strong><br />
union.<br />
“Alright already,” Marcus said, “this guy’s giving me a headache.”<br />
“Which guy?”<br />
“Both guys.”<br />
I got up and shut it off. I called <strong>the</strong>m <strong>the</strong> The Dick Tapes. I had hours<br />
and hours of <strong>the</strong> stuff. I packed ano<strong>the</strong>r bowl and handed it to Marcus.<br />
“My mo<strong>the</strong>r used to say <strong>the</strong> same thing when I played <strong>the</strong>se tapes back in<br />
high school. Dick was her bro<strong>the</strong>r. I’d be in my room with my friends,<br />
listening to this shit and laughing. My mo<strong>the</strong>r would always scream at<br />
me to turn it off.”<br />
“I can see why.”<br />
“I played it to you for a reason, but I can’t remember now...”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 183
FOCUS<br />
“How’s that vitamin D treating you?”<br />
“Vitamin D?”<br />
“The dilaudid.”<br />
“Oh, Vitamin D — I like that. Milk.”<br />
“Well?”<br />
“Well what?”<br />
“You want some more or are you good?”<br />
“I’m good. I’ll take some for <strong>the</strong> future, though.”<br />
“Sure, take some.” He dumped a small blue mountain of pills onto <strong>the</strong><br />
coffee table.<br />
“Thanks.”<br />
“What was <strong>the</strong> meaning of that tape? Why’d you play it for me?”<br />
“I don’t remember.”<br />
“Dick, huh? That’s funny. Uncle Dick.”<br />
“Yeah. The dude died in <strong>the</strong> 80s. Abdominal hemorhage. He was fortysix,<br />
forty-seven, I think.”<br />
Marcus had craned his neck around and was checking out <strong>the</strong> wall<br />
behind my couch. Studying <strong>the</strong> thing. Some moments passed. Then he<br />
said it. I’d been hearing it a lot lately.<br />
“All <strong>the</strong>se photos of your ex-wife you have on your wall...it’s kind of<br />
fucked up.”<br />
“We’re not divorced yet.”<br />
“Why don’t you take <strong>the</strong>m down?”<br />
“I don’t know. I like <strong>the</strong>m <strong>the</strong>re.”<br />
“You have to move on.”<br />
“If she decides this is it, I may move back to Michigan.”<br />
“What? and work at <strong>the</strong> Stillwater Wire?”<br />
“I know! I’m fucked, I’m stuck here!”<br />
“Why don’t you paint anymore? You should be painting. You need<br />
something to focus on o<strong>the</strong>r than your ex-wife.”<br />
184
KURT EISENLOHR<br />
“I can’t paint, I’ve tried. I don’t feel it anymore. I’m tapped out. I can’t do<br />
anything. I’m a service industry slave. I’m going to end up in a fucking<br />
factory, getting drunk every night after work and having some sixteen<br />
year old kid secretly tape record my moronic conversations for a laugh!”<br />
“You’re being ridiculous.”<br />
“No, I’m being realistic.”<br />
“You have to pull yourself toge<strong>the</strong>r, dude.”<br />
“That’s what my wife keeps telling me.”<br />
“I thought you weren’t going to talk to her for awhile.”<br />
“She calls...or I call...”<br />
“You’re co-dependant. Totally fucking co-dependant.”<br />
“What <strong>the</strong> fuck does that mean?”<br />
“It means you can’t live without each o<strong>the</strong>r—you’re co-dependant.”<br />
“What about you?” I asked him. “Could you live without your wife?”<br />
“You gotta do what you gotta do,” he said. He had a big chunk of<br />
powdered dilaudid hanging from <strong>the</strong> hairs of his left nostril.<br />
“It’s late,” I told him. “You should go say goodnight to your kids.”<br />
“Yeah, I guess it’s that time, isn’t it?”<br />
“Say goodnight, Dick, say goodnight.”<br />
“What’s that supposed to mean?”<br />
“It’s something my uncle used to say.”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 185
FOCUS<br />
186
Chicken Lust<br />
By Joseph Suglia<br />
Dedicated to Joseph Suglia<br />
I<br />
My perineal muscle is stimulated by <strong>the</strong> sight of mad snails.<br />
II<br />
I have a preternatural ability: that of hypnosis. I am able to hypnotize my<br />
victims into shedding <strong>the</strong>ir clothing. Once <strong>the</strong>y are fully denuded, I pour<br />
lemonade into <strong>the</strong>ir navels and drink from <strong>the</strong>ir fleshy flesh-cups.<br />
III<br />
I am a professional contortionist. I pretzel my body, shove my forearm<br />
into <strong>the</strong> deeps of my larynx, press my ear lobes firmly against <strong>the</strong> small<br />
of my back, position both of my heels under my chin, or canopy my eyes<br />
with my octopod testicles.<br />
IV<br />
The next Pope should be flagrantly omnisexual, a raging sodomite, who<br />
openly fondles not merely <strong>the</strong> buttocks and penises of altar boys, but<br />
those of priests and bishops as well, during public convocations, on live<br />
television, with his long purple tongue dangling obscenely from his<br />
mouth. He would dry-hump nuns during press conferences and stick his<br />
tongue into Katie Couric’s ear, while fondling her upholstered, newly<br />
buttressed, artificially renovated, savagely pointed breasts.<br />
V<br />
The most erotic space in <strong>the</strong> world is <strong>the</strong> car wash. I am not a motorist. I<br />
dance through that purifying, covered gallery unadorned, without<br />
vehicle or clothing, while gusts of water whip my head and back.<br />
VI<br />
I am not two concentric circles, but ra<strong>the</strong>r an infinitely spiraling vortex,<br />
a regressum ad infinitum.<br />
188
JOSEPH SUGLIA<br />
VII<br />
My favorite drink is <strong>the</strong> Smegma Smoothie, which is made of <strong>the</strong><br />
fermented brownish-yellow substance that lines my foreskin, vanilla<br />
yogurt, and goat’s milk.<br />
VIII<br />
I would like to meet my murderess, <strong>the</strong> woman who will martyrize me<br />
and thus make me immortal.<br />
IX<br />
I like to stroll along <strong>the</strong> beaches, wearing a suit made of fox vagina. I also<br />
like to insert my penis into tubs of putrid yellow gelatin. The gelatin is a<br />
heady mixture of orange marmalade, horse faeces, and yak urine.<br />
X<br />
Cover me in Italian salad dressing. Strap my pre-corpse to an oak tree,<br />
and let <strong>the</strong> fire ants devour my salad dressing-bedraggled body.<br />
XI<br />
When I attended Herberger High School, I was <strong>the</strong> initiator, and sole<br />
member, of “Masturbation Club,” which involved me, sitting on <strong>the</strong> floor<br />
of an abandoned classroom with a yellowish copy of my mo<strong>the</strong>r’s SEARS<br />
catalogue, manipulating my overused penis while staring at <strong>the</strong><br />
intimidating brassieres of Nordic women, pointed and fierce, a circle jerk<br />
of one.<br />
XII<br />
Last night, I watched a special edition of MTV’s REAL WORLD: LAS<br />
VEGAS in which <strong>the</strong> twentysomething hotties squatted and shimmied<br />
on those bouncy balls upon which kids ride, except <strong>the</strong>se were equipped<br />
with stern dildos. They bounced and bounced and bounced <strong>the</strong>ir way<br />
into a maximum-security prison, where <strong>the</strong>y were forcibly stripped,<br />
greased up with tanning butter, and put on display for an audienceparticipation<br />
talent show.<br />
XIII<br />
I want to wake up next to my clone so that I could kiss him on <strong>the</strong> mouth<br />
and play with his soft pubic hair.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 189
CHICKEN LUST<br />
XIV<br />
Invite me to your wedding. I will lower my trousers and point my<br />
gigantic buttocks, baboon-like, at <strong>the</strong> wedding congregation, and douse<br />
<strong>the</strong>m all with <strong>the</strong> spume of my propulsive faeces.<br />
XV<br />
In every ATM, <strong>the</strong>re lurks a dwarf.<br />
XVI<br />
Les filles avec les pantalons verts m’enculent.<br />
XVII<br />
Die arschleckenden Damen tragen gelbe Hosen.<br />
XVIII<br />
My semen will flood <strong>the</strong> United States of America. No Noah will save<br />
you.<br />
XIX<br />
On my fortieth birthday, I will play strip poker with <strong>the</strong> bums, that<br />
friendly folk, and sway my man-udders restlessly in <strong>the</strong> wind. In <strong>the</strong><br />
valley of my man-cleavage would be forty different flavors of ice cream. I<br />
will offer my creamy treats to those salivating bums.<br />
XX<br />
My signature move: <strong>the</strong> awkward groping of <strong>the</strong> breast, that fatty pocket<br />
of adipose tissue, mammary gland, and duct networking, followed by <strong>the</strong><br />
inescapable screech and truculent blow to my ear.<br />
XXI<br />
A dinosaur bird will emerge from <strong>the</strong> bloody sky, seize me in its mighty<br />
beak, snap my body in two, and fly away into <strong>the</strong> night. The darkness<br />
materializes, and all that can be heard are <strong>the</strong> beating of <strong>the</strong> bird’s vast<br />
wings.<br />
190
Rio Monstruo<br />
By Stephen Huffman<br />
“It’s five bucks a hit. But it’ll sling your head into <strong>the</strong> river ‘bout five<br />
times.”<br />
Brazos Bob was an old hippie from New Mexico who somehow<br />
found himself finding himself somewhere south of Glen Rose, Texas. He<br />
liked to pitch his teepee near <strong>the</strong> river, eat squirrels or fish or<br />
rattlesnakes with beans, and sell hallucinogens.<br />
The summer Brazos River Valley has things in it that will make<br />
your head hurt. You have to walk a long time to get to it. Sand deep<br />
enough to know you’re wading; you know you’re almost <strong>the</strong>re when you<br />
have to stop and empty your boots. Plop down and look around, <strong>the</strong>re are<br />
stunted mesquites as old as your great-great-great grandpa crackling<br />
with cicadas who sound almost as old, bull nettles and prickly pears,<br />
everything dangerous, all of it sloping, sloping toward a sound. Dump<br />
your boots and wipe your face with both sleeves. Listen. The river.<br />
“Hell yeah, Bob. I’ll take two. Got any beans?”<br />
You can find breaks in <strong>the</strong> thicks if you look hard enough. Your<br />
junior travelers end up at <strong>the</strong> river looking like <strong>the</strong>y’ve been through a<br />
mismanaged sawmill.<br />
“Yep.”<br />
Bob reached into a pouch on his belt and held up two tiny purple<br />
pyramid-shaped pills. They sparkled and rolled around in his palm.<br />
“Nice, Bob. Ten bucks? Here ya go. What’s in <strong>the</strong>m beans? I’m<br />
hungrier’n four or five mo<strong>the</strong>rfuckers. That’s a long walk.”<br />
The river is magical when you get to it. Stepped worn cliffs of<br />
rock overhang it; you can trace time by <strong>the</strong>m. Dinosaur tracks at <strong>the</strong><br />
bottom…look up a bit…blacks of campfires layered in <strong>the</strong> rocks, shards<br />
of arrow points and pots…<strong>the</strong> top is just solid wrinkled stone in <strong>the</strong> sun,<br />
putting shade on <strong>the</strong> water, bare of <strong>the</strong> vegetation that gave up by<br />
seasons…and <strong>the</strong> river flows and cuts through it, below it now, not<br />
giving a damn.<br />
“The river don’t give a damn,” Bob said. He grinned with all four<br />
of his teeth like he knew what I was thinking. I grinned back.<br />
“I know, Bob. What’s in <strong>the</strong>m beans?”<br />
“Hey, Bob, reckon I can skip this rock smack into that gar?”<br />
192
STEPHEN HUFFMAN<br />
The gar looked to be about six foot long through <strong>the</strong> river water,<br />
he was laid up in an across eddy with his snout just out like he was<br />
hunting birds or something.<br />
“Bob?”<br />
Bob was gone. Dammit, Bob. The dude tended to disappear. I<br />
hiked back up <strong>the</strong> draw to his teepee.<br />
“WELL, THAT’LL BE THE DAY, UH-HUH, THAT’LL BE<br />
THE DAY, WHOOWHOO,” Linda Rondstadt’s girly version of <strong>the</strong><br />
Holly. Bob had fired up his little battery-powered AM/FM box, tuned to<br />
some crazy station out of Oklahoma that he and only he seemed to be<br />
able to pick up in a river bottom. Bob was taking a piss beside <strong>the</strong> teepee,<br />
wiggling around in his own peepee version of <strong>the</strong> Watusi, singing along<br />
at <strong>the</strong> top of his pipes with Mizz R.<br />
“Damn, Bob,” I hollered, “What’s that you got goin’ <strong>the</strong>re? The<br />
native dance of <strong>the</strong> Indian UriNation?”<br />
Bob flinched like I had busted him doing something silly. Which<br />
I suppose I did.<br />
“Goddam, bud,” he said. “Don’t sneak up on me like that. Man,<br />
good to see you.” He pulled his britches toge<strong>the</strong>r and walked over to me<br />
with his hand out. “When did you get here?”<br />
I shook his hand. “Couple minutes ago.” Bob could disappear in<br />
his head, too. “Man, that’s a long walk. Got any beans?”<br />
We sat cross-legged across <strong>the</strong> fire, Comanche bowls of beans<br />
dished out of <strong>the</strong> cast-iron pot, wood spoons between us. Damned<br />
woodsy tasty.<br />
“Damn, Bob, this is tasty. What kinda spices you stick in here?”<br />
“Ever eat any cat?” Bob answered.<br />
You learned to blot out <strong>the</strong> imagery when you ate with Bob. I<br />
savored my bite, Bob wiped his mouth with <strong>the</strong> back of his hand.<br />
“Nope,” I said, “Just <strong>the</strong> human variety, unless you count possible<br />
misadventures in Korean restaurants. My ex-mama-in-law used to order<br />
only beef stuff from a menu, <strong>the</strong>n have me check it out for her before<br />
she’d touch it. I’d dig around in her plate and ask her, ‘What’s <strong>the</strong><br />
difference? If it’s right tasty and you don’t know what it is, <strong>the</strong>n who<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 193
RIO MONSTRUO<br />
cares?’ Ya know, man, come to think of it, I should have special-ordered<br />
that meddling old bitch some cat and kimshee, <strong>the</strong>n told her it<br />
was…Bob?”<br />
Fuckin’ Bob was gone again.<br />
The sun was down enough to put some shade on me from <strong>the</strong><br />
crotch of rock in <strong>the</strong> cliffs on <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r side of <strong>the</strong> river. I leaned back on<br />
a gnarly old mesquite, I had my legs stretched out across <strong>the</strong> flat rocks<br />
with my boots off, bare heals in <strong>the</strong> water. The cicadas were quieting<br />
down; <strong>the</strong> crickets were waking up. Ahhhhh, yeah. The river whisper was<br />
getting a little louder. Hmmm... must be coming onto <strong>the</strong> ‘Sid...hey...a sandbass<br />
or bream’s tap-tapping at <strong>the</strong> bait on my cane pole. Crunch. Somebody<br />
stepped on a twig in <strong>the</strong> woods behind me.<br />
“Hey, Bob.” I felt <strong>the</strong> fish start moving my bait around.<br />
“Hey. You baited with crawfish?” Bob’s voice came from over my<br />
right shoulder.<br />
“Yep. I got me a punkinseed fucking with it right now. Little<br />
bastard’s probably worrying it to death, picking off legs and shit. Baitruining<br />
little fucks.”<br />
“Well, I was gonna tell ya. Them moccasins is nestin’.”<br />
“Oh, yeah?” The tip of my pole started to jounce a bit, up and<br />
down, up and down, leaving tracers. I set <strong>the</strong> pole between my big and<br />
second toe so I could feel if I had to set <strong>the</strong> hook. “Damn, Bob. I’m<br />
coming on to that shit pretty quick. Must be good shit.”<br />
“I’m here to tell ya it is. Anyways, <strong>the</strong>m moccasins is nestin’.<br />
Might be a bad idea to be laid out with yer feet in <strong>the</strong> water. Yep, that ‘Sid<br />
is straight from Cleburne. Made fresh day before yesterday. Keep that<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r hit fer a buddy, I got plenty more.”<br />
The tip of my pole was really going now, swaying around with<br />
shiny visual echoes from <strong>the</strong> last of <strong>the</strong> sun reflecting off <strong>the</strong> rocks<br />
beneath me. I couldn’t tell if it was a fish or a buzz on my bait.<br />
“You mean moccasins are swarming around here?” I pulled my<br />
feet out of <strong>the</strong> water, <strong>the</strong>y had a decided blue tinge to <strong>the</strong>m; drips of river<br />
194
STEPHEN HUFFMAN<br />
water sparkled down off <strong>the</strong>m and hissed on <strong>the</strong> rocks. “And what do you<br />
mean ‘<strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r hit’? I did both of ‘em...”<br />
My cane pole popped once, twice. I set <strong>the</strong> hook. This ain’t any<br />
punkinseed, man, my pole’s bent over like <strong>the</strong>re’s a swimmin’ 883 Sportster on<br />
<strong>the</strong>re. The pole jumped out of my hands and caught itself on a snag in <strong>the</strong><br />
rocks. A bluegill <strong>the</strong> size of a small skillet broke out of <strong>the</strong> river maybe<br />
three feet from me, twisted in <strong>the</strong> air, and landed half out of <strong>the</strong> water on<br />
<strong>the</strong> rocks next to my right foot. She had a legless crawfish halfway in her<br />
mouth and a fishhook poked through her left cheek just under her eye.<br />
The crawfish waved and snapped his claws around for something to<br />
pinch. I crawfished against <strong>the</strong> mesquite and stood up. The sun was gone<br />
behind <strong>the</strong> cliffs, <strong>the</strong> cicadas were in bed, I had mesquite bark in my back,<br />
<strong>the</strong> crickets sounded like <strong>the</strong>y were fiddling in <strong>the</strong> devil.<br />
“Gawdammit, Bob, you seein’ this?!?”<br />
The bluegill tried to brea<strong>the</strong> and wiggle back to <strong>the</strong> water. The<br />
crawfish waved his claws around like he wanted to join Bob Barker down<br />
by <strong>the</strong> Price is Right stage.<br />
“Bob?”<br />
I stood barefoot straight against <strong>the</strong> mesquite and worried about<br />
my boots.<br />
“Bob?”<br />
The river exploded at <strong>the</strong> bank, panes of glassy water cut<br />
through me with a shiver, a gar stuck his snout over <strong>the</strong> rocks at my feet<br />
and grabbed up Miss Bluegill and her supper, Mr. Crawfish. Dayam. Is<br />
that <strong>the</strong> same Mr. Gar I was chunking rocks at? Serves me right. What <strong>the</strong> hell<br />
am I talking about? Miss Bluegill’s on my hook and Mr. Crawfish ain’t happy<br />
about it. Oh, yeah, Mr. Gar. Mr. Gar’s <strong>the</strong> difference. How come? Oh, that’s<br />
right, I chunked rocks at him. Fucker holds a grudge.<br />
“Bob?”<br />
Fucking Bob.<br />
The moon came out, bending its shine down and off <strong>the</strong> southward slots<br />
of <strong>the</strong> cliffs. The surface seemed happy about it—fireworks and fireflies<br />
laughed with and out of <strong>the</strong> gurgles. The essence of <strong>the</strong> territory, <strong>the</strong><br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 195
RIO MONSTRUO<br />
maker of <strong>the</strong> topography, <strong>the</strong> blood of <strong>the</strong> trees- <strong>the</strong> river- she ignored us<br />
all. Three moccasins splashed out of <strong>the</strong> moon shadows and latched onto<br />
<strong>the</strong> gar. The strapping gar, <strong>the</strong> flopping bluegill, <strong>the</strong> waving crawfish,<br />
<strong>the</strong> thrashing moccasins, <strong>the</strong>y all slid back into <strong>the</strong> almighty water. The<br />
moon said, “Relax, son.” The cliffs said, “Don’t worry about it.” The river<br />
whispered, “You’re next.” I pulled my pistol.<br />
Bob, I’m fixin’ to shoot everything that moves. You got pouches with<br />
dreams, I got pouches with ammo. The crickets found a damn good<br />
devilish harmony. The moon grinned again. I looked up <strong>the</strong> draw to find<br />
something familiar. There were Comanches of all stripes dancing a ghost<br />
dance around a big fire by Bob’s teepee, except now <strong>the</strong> teepee had a<br />
blacklight green buffalo skull on it. Women and children where<br />
wandering around, ga<strong>the</strong>ring party materials. Linda Rondstadt’s cover of<br />
“Blue Bayou” was playing from somewhere. Lord, no matter heaven or<br />
hell, this is right crazy. Fuck. Where are my boots? Bob came out of <strong>the</strong><br />
teepee, or at least he seemed to be Bob. He had a full Comanche<br />
headdress on and dance paint, <strong>the</strong> green of <strong>the</strong> buffalo skull glowed on<br />
something he had in both hands. Gar ‘n Beans. They oughta can that shit<br />
and sell it down to Brookshires. Something touched my left foot and I<br />
jumped and almost shot. A raccoon <strong>the</strong> size of Ann Wilson looked up at<br />
me through eyes purple in <strong>the</strong> moon. “Say, what’d you do with that<br />
crawfish you had while ago?” He /she said. Their head went back and<br />
forth in Shi-ne-ne Coon motion with <strong>the</strong> words. “The snakes says you<br />
had a crawfish, now, don’t lie. That thar pistol won’t do you a bit a good<br />
around here. Now, if it was a crawfish...” My pistol moved on it’s own.<br />
Lord, I know when I look down I ain’t gonna see no .357 crawfish.<br />
Something landed on my shoulder. “Don’t listen to Shi-ne-ne. She’s a liar.<br />
And so he is.” I dropped my crawfish and backed into <strong>the</strong> old mesquite<br />
which now wasn’t <strong>the</strong>re, which caused my feet to tangle up and conspire<br />
with ancient gravity. I fell back-first into scratchy underbrush and heard<br />
my metallic crawfish ex-friend pang, pang, pang on rocks <strong>the</strong>n splash.<br />
“See, I toldya she was a liar. Betcha he toldya <strong>the</strong>re was a tree <strong>the</strong>re.” A<br />
big fea<strong>the</strong>ry fluttering sound kept getting louder; <strong>the</strong> moon was full<br />
down on me and it seemed like I was looking down but I knew I was up.<br />
Linda Rondstadt’s voice wavered into a chant that sounded something<br />
like a red-tail hawk shrieking words: “When <strong>the</strong> moon grins, it never<br />
ends...when <strong>the</strong> moon grins...” Oh. You’re a hawk on my shoulder. I been<br />
meanin’ to tell ya...you shouldn’t cover Buddy Holly. Nobody should. It’s<br />
like yelling scripture in a church; just empty echoes to people who<br />
196
STEPHEN HUFFMAN<br />
already read it. If ya gotta do Holly, do it in <strong>the</strong> garage drunk like <strong>the</strong> rest<br />
of us do. Or in a bar. You got you a fine voice, though. How come my<br />
arms are bleeding? Waddaya mean Shi-ne-ne lies? She was right honest<br />
about my crawfish. Does he know Bob? What’s that crackling sound?<br />
Bob’s campfire spilled down <strong>the</strong> draw and caught my hair on fire,<br />
bringing his Comanche party with it. Me and Linda Hawk and<br />
everybody were in Bob’s teepee. The fire settled at <strong>the</strong> center of things,<br />
<strong>the</strong> smoke of it moved up to catch <strong>the</strong> moon at <strong>the</strong> smoke-hole. I was <strong>the</strong><br />
only one laying in <strong>the</strong> bull nettles with my arms bleeding. Everyone else<br />
sat cross-legged looking at me. Ting. Ting. Bob took a bowl of beans out<br />
of <strong>the</strong> microwave. A beautiful girl in doeskins got up out of <strong>the</strong> crowd<br />
and looked down at me. Her hair was so shiny and black and long I<br />
thought she was gonna fly.<br />
“Wish-na pashish wen-teh.”<br />
Huh? Say, Linda, what did she shay?<br />
“Pashish?”<br />
The girl set a bowl of hot beans on my belly.<br />
Ahhhhhhhh!!!!<br />
I got up to <strong>the</strong> hateful morning sound of <strong>the</strong> alarm clock. It’s one of<br />
those digital jobs that goes ERT! ERT! ERT! ERT! like a startling<br />
stuttering obnoxious clown with electric vocal chords. I’ve been meaning<br />
to shoot that thing in <strong>the</strong> face for a long time....‘ERT!’ that, BoBo....but I<br />
never think of it until I’m halfway to work. I turned <strong>the</strong> thing off and<br />
scratched my ass. Man, what a dream. I gotta quit eating those green<br />
burritos so late at night. I stumbled to <strong>the</strong> shower, turned it on cold and<br />
pushed my head in. Ahhhh. Man, <strong>the</strong>y need to outlaw work or weekends,<br />
one or <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r. I can’t stand <strong>the</strong> contrast. The cold water worked its<br />
way down, waking me up an inch at a time, got to my belly. Ouch. I<br />
looked down. A perfect sunburn-like ring of red was in <strong>the</strong> center of my<br />
gut.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 197
RIO MONSTRUO<br />
198
A Typical Case?<br />
By Keith Buckley<br />
[For <strong>the</strong> purposes of this subsection, “core information” means <strong>the</strong><br />
names and addresses of people having an extensive history of drug<br />
abuse, unwashed clo<strong>the</strong>s and dishes baked by <strong>the</strong> sun which give even <strong>the</strong><br />
most graceful among <strong>the</strong>m <strong>the</strong> appearance of compact strength, much<br />
like a bowling pin covered in skin from <strong>the</strong> sternum area of an old addict.<br />
Should you ever encounter any of <strong>the</strong> subjects while engaged in your<br />
own detoxification, gingerly feed <strong>the</strong>m with tidbits of leftover meat,<br />
which you should find in your pockets.]<br />
Sometime during <strong>the</strong> spring of 1993, Dr. Jimmy D. “Snow<br />
Dwight” Pheemister ceased taking notice of his deteriorating condition.<br />
He spent most of his time forging permits for businesses employing<br />
techniques that selectively impair brain function and <strong>the</strong> use of<br />
pornographic images for learning more about <strong>the</strong> workings of desire,<br />
and o<strong>the</strong>r illicit activities that should be subject to federal prosecution.<br />
Without in any way denigrating <strong>the</strong> pain and poignancy of his<br />
experience, we will discover that <strong>the</strong> ultimate beneficiaries of <strong>the</strong>se<br />
brutal transactions usually consist of wood-mice, lemmings, hares and<br />
young hold-up men who routinely execute off-duty policemen with <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
own weapons. If that sounds like bravado, you should understand that, in<br />
this neck of <strong>the</strong> woods, Lapland attack reindeer and cattle were especially<br />
hated because none of <strong>the</strong>m had been sent to <strong>the</strong> front. Their thick and<br />
rubbery tongues are agile enough to interfere in <strong>the</strong> domestic affairs of<br />
all o<strong>the</strong>r countries, and are at least potentially capable of violence. The<br />
best approach is probably to scrutinize <strong>the</strong> test subjects with great care,<br />
especially if <strong>the</strong>y were to become infected and develop genital lesions.<br />
Before his descent into cocaine abuse, Dr. Pheemister sported<br />
dark brown laminate with a broad, yellowish bushy tail and a long coat.<br />
He would often invest almost any amount in <strong>the</strong> improvement of his<br />
health, appropriating, in passing, twenty oxen once destined for <strong>the</strong><br />
temple, and, no doubt to keep up his good humor, set several buildings<br />
on fire. He followed me everywhere with his repugnant attentions. He<br />
told me he suffered from a plague of devils and to prove his point, he<br />
would often split open his lower eyelid, spurting little jets of bloodtinged<br />
fluid about <strong>the</strong> room. All of this time I did not dare to say that<br />
libertarian feminists’ overriding desire to transcend sexual repression<br />
inevitably leads <strong>the</strong>m to mutually gratifying scenarios which offer<br />
valuable instruction in staying alive on <strong>the</strong> Yangtze River.<br />
200
KEITH BUCKLEY<br />
This much is certain: any of <strong>the</strong> methods are good if only <strong>the</strong>y<br />
act speedily.<br />
Limited to barriers and various entry screening devices, this<br />
Carbondale physician, under court orders to relieve his constant<br />
sweating, plunges into <strong>the</strong> abyss of addiction and began taking cocaine:<br />
those experts whose knowledge, background or o<strong>the</strong>r expertise lie in<br />
that particular field snapped off two teeth, making his tongue so swollen,<br />
thick and rubbery that he could barely talk. (Afterwards, I wrote to one<br />
medical director, who said that <strong>the</strong>y did not beat his 19-year old son into<br />
discussing changes in <strong>the</strong> Clean Air Act, including <strong>the</strong> parts that deal<br />
with John Wayne, of course.)<br />
The doctor did not notice. In his forties, he went as low as you<br />
can go without dying while a dispositive motion is pending, and <strong>the</strong><br />
social highs turned to throb and press on his excited member. “In <strong>the</strong><br />
beginning, I felt I was communicating with <strong>the</strong> renowned chef, Auguste<br />
Escoffier,” he says, “and instead of reciting all <strong>the</strong> patients I’ve killed<br />
while under <strong>the</strong> influence, <strong>the</strong> medical review board will forward my<br />
name to <strong>the</strong> Nobel Prize panel for my work with priapism.” Night after<br />
night, almost without intermission, bloodthirsty predators maintained<br />
his medical practice from <strong>the</strong> highlands of Scandinavia to Kamchatka,<br />
even smoking his coke <strong>the</strong>re. Army ants, about three feet long, moved<br />
out of his house and into a dilapidated apartment to feed a passion for <strong>the</strong><br />
use of violence and assassination to achieve political power or remove an<br />
adversary because it was impossible to sit comfortably, belly to belly, face<br />
to face, in a waterfront home on a private island worn by <strong>the</strong> wind and<br />
rain until <strong>the</strong> structure crumbles into flakes because <strong>the</strong> center will not<br />
hold.<br />
After a year of cocaine use, Pheemister failed to develop any of<br />
<strong>the</strong> finer virtues to which settled humanity aspires, unperturbed by <strong>the</strong><br />
constant small fires he set with his unsuspecting nurse, Felicity Powell, a<br />
convivial unaligned agent who owned a prized art collection and <strong>the</strong><br />
dream of syn<strong>the</strong>sizing living tissue. She wore a high-necked, tightsleeved<br />
gray woolen dress and a perfume which reminded me of spinach<br />
gnocchi gratin ... particularly if paired with a ‘91 Kunde Magnolia Lane<br />
Sonoma Valley sauvignon blanc. When she smiled her awe accentuated<br />
individual feelings of utter helplessness and worthlessness. The glow of<br />
violet light in her eyes, however, was an artifact created by dying ions. At<br />
about that time, she threw her arm round my neck and seemed to almost<br />
forget that police officers miss 75-85% of shots fired in <strong>the</strong> line of duty.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 201
A TYPICAL CASE?<br />
She shoplifted for years, completely incapacitated by guilt and ennui, yet<br />
liked it, and progressed to kidnappings, taking hostages, contract<br />
murders, <strong>the</strong> detonation of bombs in public restrooms and o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
deliberate armed assaults on girls who are typically charged with sex<br />
offenses which are euphemistically described as “delinquent tendencies,”<br />
“incorrigibility,” or “running away,” and is saved only at <strong>the</strong> eleventh<br />
hour by <strong>the</strong> decision to go to The New York Times where she stayed for<br />
two weeks in <strong>the</strong> psychiatric ward to relieve <strong>the</strong> constant sweating. I can<br />
still here her shrieking with a strangely melodic intensity as <strong>the</strong> parasite<br />
burrowed deeper into her pelvic floor, twitching like a chitin-covered<br />
phallus.<br />
The doctor did not notice when she implored me to be more<br />
gentle, as she still smarted from completely stylized instructor-launched<br />
automatic weapon attacks at night as well as a number of constant small<br />
fires he started with his <strong>free</strong>-basing equipment. His sex life sizzled to<br />
feed a passion for unwashed clo<strong>the</strong>s and dishes, broken glass pipes that<br />
formed a thigh-high pile, a waterfront home on a private island, a prized<br />
art collection, “<strong>the</strong> memory of <strong>the</strong> high,” he says. He was now smoking<br />
$500 worth of coke a day. He wanted to be alone, away from his<br />
disapproving wife and <strong>the</strong> 6,000 Lapland attack reindeer pelts used<br />
yearly in <strong>the</strong> fur trade. He hunts for <strong>the</strong> ultimate buzz with his eyes<br />
closed and his septum deviated; his ears are permanently locked on his<br />
nurse’s coiled shriek of euphoria. The lining of his nose is wildly<br />
inflamed, but still capable of tracking <strong>the</strong> spoor, <strong>the</strong> sour stench of her<br />
dried sweat and her cheap perfume. The journey is long ... her<br />
suppurating flesh has almost cooked away.<br />
Dr. Pheemister undertook radical shifts in his moral career, lost<br />
interest in job and family, defaulted on his mortgage, enjoyed a lucrative<br />
practice with <strong>the</strong> help of his unsuspecting nurse and his obsessive use,<br />
sold off his belongings to pay for his habit, beat his 19-year-old son in a<br />
lack of understanding about where key nodes of vulnerability lie while<br />
considering how to induce hens to lay square eggs and, in some of <strong>the</strong><br />
smaller species, to ga<strong>the</strong>r pollen from Vertot’s orchid. Even sex seemed<br />
boring.<br />
In order to protect himself from <strong>the</strong> ambient heat, fur<strong>the</strong>rmore,<br />
an idea had occurred to him, or ra<strong>the</strong>r a fantasy, which was to be alone,<br />
near death, snorting twenty grams a day with this reporter, who uses <strong>the</strong><br />
drug modestly, who tries cocaine, like it, enjoyed a lucrative practice,<br />
discovered <strong>free</strong>-basing in <strong>the</strong> shower, sells off his belongings to pay for<br />
202
KEITH BUCKLEY<br />
his habit, plunges into <strong>the</strong> abyss of addiction, moved out of his house and<br />
into a dilapidated apartment, progresses to chronic, compulsive use,<br />
loses interest in job and family / a successful long-term user, i.e.,<br />
smoking $5,000 worth of coke a day, his skin covered with sores from<br />
malnutrition, <strong>the</strong> music sounds better / <strong>the</strong> addict and his supplier /<br />
insidiously antisocial minutes between “toots” made his tongue so<br />
swollen that he could barely talk / “made my conversation seem<br />
sparkling, my disapproving wife and children made me feel good,” he<br />
says with a wry smile. “In <strong>the</strong> end, I thought I was God. All I wanted<br />
was <strong>the</strong> pipe.”<br />
Upon his second arrest for public intoxication, Dr. Pheemister<br />
told <strong>the</strong> booking officer, “I want you to kill me so <strong>the</strong>re won’t be a<br />
tomorrow.” “But tomorrow morning breakfast will be potato pancakes<br />
with gravlax, along with your choice of stir-fried red flannel hash or<br />
raspberry-corn muffins.” “Hmmm ... can I get a mimosa with that?”<br />
“Shit, bud, this is a jail, for fuck’s sake. Coffee and O.J. is all we got.” “I’ll<br />
take death, <strong>the</strong>n.” “Okay, Doc, I’ll kill you. But it’s gotta be brutal.”<br />
“Brutal? Does that hurt much?” “A jagged copper pipe bunged through<br />
your skull and a mop handle up <strong>the</strong> ass? Yeah, it hurts like a<br />
sonuvabitch.” “That doesn’t work for me. I’m already scared enough of<br />
withdrawal pain. The mop handle scene is far too frightening to even<br />
contemplate.” “You’re scared of pain, but you don’t have a problem with<br />
dying? Isn’t that pretty fucked up?” “How fucked up my thought<br />
processes are right now is totally irrelevant.” “As a matter of fact, bub,<br />
your fucked up thought process are <strong>the</strong> core issue.” “Maybe, but that’s<br />
not <strong>the</strong> point.” “What is <strong>the</strong> point, <strong>the</strong>n?” “The point is I want death, not<br />
pain.” “Why?” “Because I already know what pain feels like.”<br />
He spent most of his time in <strong>the</strong> west, as far south as <strong>the</strong> Sierra<br />
Nevada range in California, detecting non-metal firearms or high<br />
explosives in airline baggage, spending $1,000 a week to relieve <strong>the</strong><br />
constant sweating and his sex life sizzled. Soon he started to twitch and<br />
drunkenly tottered around on legs like threads when some provocation<br />
was present. “Keep his legs from moving and his arms from hitting <strong>the</strong><br />
unsuspecting nurse between her legs almost before she completes her<br />
sentence,” says <strong>the</strong> medical review board night after night without<br />
intermission.<br />
Dr. Pheemister’s way with crack cocaine is juicy and audacious.<br />
The pearlescent rocks he creates for his seasonally evolving “smoking<br />
flights” have a complex depth of flavor rarely encountered in narcotics<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 203
A TYPICAL CASE?<br />
processing. “White Devil,” his newest concoction, suffered not at all from<br />
<strong>the</strong> absence of <strong>the</strong> traditional sodium bicarb. “I mix pharmaceutical<br />
grade Colombian flake with bleached cardamom and asafetida. Inhaling<br />
White Devil reminds me of my favorite Punjabi restaurant, so I<br />
frequently serve a nice peach sambal alongside.” The chutney does<br />
indeed provide sufficient taste variation to help <strong>the</strong> bowl delight and<br />
satisfy those expecting a draught of e<strong>the</strong>rized salts. His nurse passed me<br />
<strong>the</strong> apparatus, her hands spasmodically shaking and her eyes <strong>the</strong> color of<br />
pickled onions. She tumbled over into a puddle of her own vomit, her<br />
body thrashing bout in a frenzy, flipping into <strong>the</strong> air like an eel on a hot<br />
griddle.<br />
The highs got lower and <strong>the</strong> lows whimsical in my lusts and<br />
more versatile in my long-term technological wish list which might have<br />
included a more precise abyss of addiction but more elegantly built with<br />
somewhat larger ears, larger eyes and much larger dissolution of all<br />
moral norms that raised rashes on his lips and sores on his skin from<br />
malnutrition. In one of <strong>the</strong> fits of rage that accompanied <strong>the</strong> “down”<br />
periods minutes between “toots,” he snapped off two teeth unravelling<br />
“<strong>the</strong> memory of <strong>the</strong> high,” he says. Soon he was spending $20,000 a week<br />
on marketing experts at zoos directly to <strong>the</strong> brain with <strong>the</strong> help of his<br />
unsuspecting secretary who wore a high-necked, tight-sleeved Lapland<br />
attack reindeer pelt used yearly in several buildings on fire with his<br />
repugnant attentions and rashes (although he could beat his 19-year-old<br />
son in a three-mile run), and his sex life sizzled with a perception that<br />
follows <strong>the</strong> loss of identity and defenselessness brought on by <strong>the</strong><br />
completely stylized insidiously antisocial fountain of youth.<br />
“As <strong>the</strong> Carbondale Cocaine King for over five years now, I am<br />
constantly asked to take a taste of every new crop of marching powder<br />
that enters <strong>the</strong> country,” Pheemister explained to me one night as we<br />
were standing outside of Quatorze, my favorite French bistro near <strong>the</strong><br />
Chelsea district on West 14th Street, riveting <strong>the</strong> wait staff to our taxi by<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir thick and rubbery lips and turning <strong>the</strong>ir pockets inside out for <strong>the</strong><br />
evening’s tips. “My sampling career gives me a point of reference against<br />
which I can compare <strong>the</strong> product Felicity and I bake in my office<br />
autoclave, in order to ensure that <strong>the</strong> Snow Dwight’s line reigns<br />
supreme.” He continued to probe <strong>the</strong> hostess’s natal cleft with his<br />
horribly twitching fingers, digging deeply into her lifeless form until he<br />
discovered <strong>the</strong> 50 dollars she’d tried to hide from him.<br />
204
KEITH BUCKLEY<br />
For <strong>the</strong> purposes of this subsection, I’ve known him since he was<br />
a medical student, when he had a soft, drawling Texas voice, a sky blue<br />
BMW— no cigarette lighter— and was strangely quiet, almost hieratic.<br />
Described as “<strong>the</strong> animal of <strong>the</strong> future,” Snow Dwight plunges into neardeath,<br />
and is saved only at <strong>the</strong> eleventh hour by <strong>the</strong> decision to go<br />
spending $30,000 a week, snorting four hundred grams a day “with only<br />
<strong>the</strong> memory of <strong>the</strong> high,” he says. “All I wanted was a lucrative practice, a<br />
waterfront home on a private island in Biscayne Bay, <strong>the</strong> social high,<br />
broken glass wombats forming a thigh-high pile, a basis for<br />
reconstruction, skin constructed with a quiet and effective<br />
craftsmanship, <strong>the</strong> unsuspecting nurse covered with sores from<br />
malnutrition, powers of reasoning to reduce <strong>the</strong> constant sweating, a<br />
fountain of youth, <strong>the</strong> pipe, a thousand grams a day, a pair of moustaches<br />
to equal <strong>the</strong> exquisite pleasure of my saturated organ, and a prized art<br />
collection,” he says with a wry smile. “In <strong>the</strong> end, I thought was <strong>the</strong> most<br />
abundant and generally distributed mammal in Europe. But I was too<br />
late. It was impossible.”<br />
Dr. Pheemister went into treatment to test and hone <strong>the</strong><br />
reactions of <strong>the</strong> protective team. Even minutes between sex with only his<br />
disapproving wife and children seemed boring. He told me he was now<br />
<strong>free</strong>-basing God, whom he’d found in his garage, topping up his BMW’s<br />
battery with distilled water. “Last night I was watching <strong>the</strong> television<br />
and Mr. Goodwrench told me mercy is battery acid. He insisted he<br />
wasn’t speaking in allegories, that mercy is really battery acid, so I guess<br />
that’s what God was doing in my garage, wearing a pin-striped<br />
flightsuit, with a monkey wrench <strong>the</strong> size of Texas stuck in <strong>the</strong> back<br />
pocket. When God noticed me staring at him, he said, “Hey, Jimmy—<br />
your transmission fluid smells like bacon. Tell <strong>the</strong> boys at Aamco that<br />
ain’t kosher.” Pheemister <strong>the</strong>n admitted he could now get more<br />
enjoyment in public restrooms chasing after deliberate armed assaults on<br />
girls who are typically belly to belly, face to face, firing a slug of ultracold<br />
material into his 19-year-old son, a technique employed by <strong>the</strong><br />
Lapland attack reindeer.<br />
I told him <strong>the</strong> night before his execution for serial sex murders,<br />
“You’ll always be my precious vegetable marrow, my gently insinuating<br />
stiff instrument, <strong>the</strong> nut too hard to crack.” He was unperturbed by <strong>the</strong><br />
agency officials who wanted to copulate his unsuspecting nurse dog<br />
fashion. “To think those hopeless bastards are <strong>the</strong> sons and grandsons of<br />
men who actually did something with <strong>the</strong>ir lives,” Pheemister wearily<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 205
A TYPICAL CASE?<br />
sighed. “They go home at night and beat <strong>the</strong>ir own wives to assuage <strong>the</strong><br />
appalling pressure of <strong>the</strong>ir sexual ambivalence.” “You mean like him?” I<br />
asked, pointing at <strong>the</strong> doctor’s own 19 year-old son who was leaning<br />
outside of <strong>the</strong> cell, smartly turned out in a white linen jacket with navy<br />
lapels and maroon trousers with a matching grosgrain trim, <strong>the</strong><br />
remnants of his lower left arm spouting crimson geysers into <strong>the</strong> air.<br />
“He’s waiting for my death- song,” <strong>the</strong> doctor replied, and I shuddered.<br />
The sound of my own fa<strong>the</strong>r’s death- song shattered my vertebrae.<br />
Never, however, does <strong>the</strong> press print even an anonymous account<br />
of <strong>the</strong> people on <strong>the</strong> front lines of any distribution network, but <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
heads, man, <strong>the</strong>ir heads!<br />
206
They<br />
By Jon Konrath<br />
In <strong>the</strong> bowels of Daniel Edgar Sickles Asylum for <strong>the</strong> Criminally<br />
Insane, a psych doctor and an orderly made <strong>the</strong> rounds through <strong>the</strong><br />
darkened tunnels of <strong>the</strong> high security complex.<br />
“I think <strong>the</strong> little black girl with <strong>the</strong> huge afro will win,” said <strong>the</strong><br />
doctor, “but that Sherry McLansing chick, <strong>the</strong> one that can’t sing with<br />
<strong>the</strong> huge jugs, I’m hoping <strong>the</strong>y find some amateur porn of her on <strong>the</strong> web<br />
somewhere.”<br />
Elron <strong>the</strong> orderly carried a huge drug kit in one arm, and rapped<br />
his nightstick along <strong>the</strong> wall with <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r, while Dr. Finkelstein<br />
continued to babble on about American Idol. Elron often wondered if<br />
Finkelstein should be a doctor or a patient, based on his obsession for<br />
that shit. The godless fruit never even mentioned football, not even on<br />
<strong>the</strong> Monday after <strong>the</strong> super bowl.<br />
“One more stop before lunch,” said <strong>the</strong> doctor. “Cell 151. Who’s<br />
our lucky contestant?”<br />
“You haven’t seen this guy yet?” said Elron. “Real piece of work.<br />
228 dead, millions in property damage. He out-McVeighed McVeigh,<br />
and <strong>the</strong>n played <strong>the</strong> looney card so <strong>the</strong>y wouldn’t give him <strong>the</strong> chair.”<br />
“He’s here? I thought <strong>the</strong> government was keeping him in a<br />
secret underground bunker somewhere.”<br />
“Take a look around,” said Elron, gesturing to <strong>the</strong> damp concrete<br />
floors, windowless walls, and reinforced steel doors. “You think this is<br />
Club Med?”<br />
Elron fumbled with his shop teacher key ring, popped open six<br />
locks around <strong>the</strong> perimeter of <strong>the</strong> door, <strong>the</strong>n lifted a heavy bar that safely<br />
blocked <strong>the</strong> portal. The heavy slab of steel creaked open like a wall safe,<br />
revealing a dark room, a man strapped to a bed, and nothing else.<br />
“All life is pain...” he mumbled, pulling at his restraints. “No<br />
possibility for precious moments that can bring me temporary<br />
anes<strong>the</strong>sia… our horror-filled existence. Easy to seal out all thoughts of<br />
<strong>the</strong> world around us...”<br />
“What <strong>the</strong> fuck is his deal?” said Elron.<br />
“Psychotic break,” said <strong>the</strong> doctor. “Formal thought disorder,<br />
extreme post-traumatic stress disorder, paranoid schizophrenia, I’m not<br />
sure. Someone stole all of his charts last week and sold <strong>the</strong>m to The Post<br />
for half a million dollars.” “Drag <strong>the</strong> rusty razor blade across our wrist,<br />
208
JON KONRATH<br />
over and over, watch <strong>the</strong> stream of crimson red flow over a third grade<br />
classroom floor or local Shoney’s restroom... We need pain, death,<br />
torture... to remember <strong>the</strong>y give us no home in this world.”<br />
“We need to pop a cap in his ass, doc. He’s really freaking <strong>the</strong><br />
fuck out.”<br />
The doctor cracked open <strong>the</strong> tacklebox drug kit. “I’m giving him<br />
100 mg of Brevital. I need you to hold him down on one side so I can hit<br />
a vein.”<br />
“Sebullis dobrish, teen Greek men fucking each o<strong>the</strong>r with a feta<br />
cheese dildo... They designed <strong>the</strong> Olympics to breed every four years<br />
with horses...”<br />
Elron crawled halfway on top of <strong>the</strong> man, a knee on his throat.<br />
The doctor came in with a huge horse injection syringe, and plunged it<br />
into <strong>the</strong> patient’s shoulder. “Keep him down!” <strong>the</strong> doctor yelled.<br />
“Druidic menstrual ceremonies! Carlton Fisk wrote fuck face on<br />
your coffin! They fuck your mo<strong>the</strong>r! They are your god!” As <strong>the</strong> drug hit,<br />
<strong>the</strong> patient seized like an engine with no oil, and went catatonic.<br />
“Jesus fuck,” said Elron. “I knew <strong>the</strong> bastard was crazy, but that’s<br />
<strong>the</strong> worst I’ve ever seen.”<br />
“I don’t think he’s going to be added to <strong>the</strong> outpatient workrelease<br />
program any time soon,” said <strong>the</strong> doctor. “So, you up for<br />
Shoney’s?”<br />
* * *<br />
I pulled myself out of bed late that morning, wondering if I’d<br />
even make it to lunch on time. The nightmares started <strong>the</strong> evening<br />
before as soon as my eyes closed, apocalyptic visions of disaster, driving<br />
to Sarasota to have sexual relations with Bud Selig at his summer home,<br />
stopping at a falafel restaurant and convenience mart run by David<br />
Schwimmer in St. Petersburg, Florida. In <strong>the</strong> dream, I shit blood for days<br />
while Schwimmer screamed “WE WERE ON A BREAK” at me, pouring<br />
hot sauce in my colon. Right before I woke, a full nuclear war erupted,<br />
my skin melting away from my bones. Then, hours of pure fear, sitting in<br />
my kitchen, grinding up Benadryl tablets and snorting off <strong>the</strong> top of my<br />
fridge for ano<strong>the</strong>r five minutes of nightmare-<strong>free</strong> sleep.<br />
Protesters circled <strong>the</strong> outside of <strong>the</strong> Haldiburson world<br />
headquarters, <strong>the</strong> 54-story mirrored glass and aluminum phallic<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 209
THEY<br />
monstrosity that housed my day job. Since I started six years ago, <strong>the</strong><br />
company practically ran <strong>the</strong> last five wars and won a no-bid for <strong>the</strong> next<br />
two in <strong>the</strong> queue. Las year, <strong>the</strong>y sold Mount Rushmore to <strong>the</strong> Japanese,<br />
started an oil-drilling operation in <strong>the</strong> Grand Canyon, and angel-funded<br />
a restaurant chain that sold dolphin and bald eagle hamburgers. They<br />
were also involved with a Pixar remake of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, which<br />
put <strong>the</strong>m at <strong>the</strong> top of many a person’s shit list.<br />
“No Blood For Syrup!” chanted <strong>the</strong> unwashed masses at <strong>the</strong> edge<br />
of <strong>the</strong> parking lot. “Mad Cow is a Lie!” “End War (and give our vegan<br />
drum circle for hemp legalization money instead)!” The worst of it<br />
wasn’t <strong>the</strong> signs, but that <strong>the</strong>y were playing that Celine Dion song from<br />
Titanic over and over and over. And all of this effort was lost, considering<br />
<strong>the</strong> building was soundproof, and <strong>the</strong> execs ei<strong>the</strong>r flew in on choppers or<br />
drove limos with pitch-black glass.<br />
Last week, <strong>the</strong> media exposed that <strong>the</strong> recent mad cow epidemic<br />
came from Canada, and President Samuel L. Jackson started clamoring<br />
to strike down upon <strong>the</strong>e to <strong>the</strong> north with great vengeance and furious<br />
anger. Of course, Haldiburson made up <strong>the</strong> mad cow thing, planted it in<br />
<strong>the</strong> media, and paid Jackson to get things started. My job at <strong>the</strong> bottom<br />
of <strong>the</strong> food chain involved making stupid pie charts and PowerPoint<br />
decks that were factually useless but aes<strong>the</strong>tically pleasing. It wasn’t bad<br />
for an art-school dropout; most of <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r illustrators I knew were now<br />
sucking dick for crack. As long as I wasn’t actually pointing <strong>the</strong> guns at<br />
peoples’ heads, I could justify my meaningless life, sort of.<br />
I parked in <strong>the</strong> underground garage and hoped <strong>the</strong> office would<br />
be sedate, so I could sneak to my cube and pretend like I’d been working<br />
for hours. A splitting headache tore through my brain, and I needed a<br />
handful of Excedrin and a few hours of Freecell to tune out <strong>the</strong> world. I<br />
got past <strong>the</strong> armed security guards and took <strong>the</strong> all-chrome express<br />
elevator to <strong>the</strong> 27th floor. Inside, it looked like <strong>the</strong> Cubs threepeated <strong>the</strong><br />
World Series. Strippers and whores hung off of every suit, hundred<br />
dollar bills were scattered like confetti, and a dozen people were snorting<br />
rails off of <strong>the</strong> receptionist’s desk. Empty bottles of Dom were stacked<br />
like <strong>the</strong> war dead in a cubicle. A huge sheet cake in <strong>the</strong> corner read<br />
“FUCK CANADA” in frosting letters. As I walked through <strong>the</strong> front<br />
doors, someone thrust a glass of champagne in my hand.<br />
210
JON KONRATH<br />
“We’re rich! We’re fucking rich!” yelled some loud-talking Ivyleague<br />
suit. “Fuck Canada! I’m buying a 200-foot boat and an SUV with<br />
no exhaust!”<br />
“What <strong>the</strong> fuck are you talking about?”<br />
“We got <strong>the</strong> drilling contract! After we nuke every fuckin’ Tim<br />
Horton’s on that French Iceland and make <strong>the</strong>m crawl to us for mercy,<br />
we’re going to tear down Montreal, drill for crude, and run a huge<br />
fucking pipeline south.”<br />
“Holy shit, that went through?” When <strong>the</strong> CEO announced <strong>the</strong><br />
oil drilling bid at <strong>the</strong> last quarterly meeting, I assumed he was drunk and<br />
it was a joke.<br />
“Fuck yeah it went through. We haven’t done shit yet, and <strong>the</strong><br />
stock’s up to 387! If you’ve got any options and you’re not covered by <strong>the</strong><br />
SEC executive disclosure rule, you better get to a fucking phone and sell<br />
that shit!”<br />
“Thanks for <strong>the</strong> champagne, um...”<br />
“Baxter,” he said. “Baxter Denslow, SVP Sales.” he extended a<br />
cocaine-encrusted hand for a quick and firm handshake.<br />
“Cliff Martin, production.”<br />
“Oh, are you <strong>the</strong> one that makes all of those charts for us?”<br />
“Yeah, something like that.”<br />
“Well you better get to work. We’re going to need as many winwin<br />
graphs as we can get for this war. It is going to be <strong>the</strong> sha-zizzle.”<br />
“Nice meeting you, Bax. I’ve gotta make a phone call.”<br />
I often contemplated wiping my ass with <strong>the</strong> 250 million<br />
Haldiburson stock options granted to me at $1.46 a share years ago. I<br />
would have preferred a cash bonus, or even a Fruit of <strong>the</strong> Month<br />
subscription. The big H wasn’t public for <strong>the</strong> first two years I worked<br />
<strong>the</strong>re, and <strong>the</strong>n after <strong>the</strong> IPO, half of <strong>the</strong> executives went to prison for<br />
some elaborate insider trading fuckup that kept <strong>the</strong> price well below a<br />
dollar. It wasn’t <strong>the</strong> stuff you’d use to fill out your retirement fund,<br />
although everyone did.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 211
THEY<br />
While my brokerage web page loaded, I tried to get a back-ofenvelope<br />
figure. My calculator didn’t have enough digits to figure out <strong>the</strong><br />
math. 387 bucks a share, 250,000 shares, that’s almost $98 million, minus<br />
my $365,000 exercise price. The page loaded, and I immediately clicked<br />
sell. The flip cleared instantly, since every trader in <strong>the</strong> world wanted<br />
shares before <strong>the</strong>y hit <strong>the</strong> ceiling. I dumped ten million into my checking<br />
account, and left <strong>the</strong> rest in brokerage to... wait, do you pay taxes on this<br />
shit?<br />
Tax, tax, tax... I dug through my address book and found <strong>the</strong><br />
number of <strong>the</strong> one guy who could help me, Rudy Epstein. He was a lab<br />
partner of mine in Physics 201 in college, and was <strong>the</strong> most Jewish a<br />
Catholic could be. He never got laid in college, never drank a beer, never<br />
even left his dorm room. He sat around most nights playing solitaire<br />
with real paper cards and not a computer like everyone else would do<br />
later. But he pulled a 4.0 in b-school, blew through a law degree, and now<br />
drove a desk as a high-level tax attorney for <strong>the</strong> State Department.<br />
About once a year, he would roll into town, and when I reminded him<br />
that I did all of <strong>the</strong> damn lab work in that physics class and saved his ass,<br />
he’d drag me to Scores for hours, throwing money into strippers’ cracks<br />
like a rap artist’s drug dealer. He’d even end up expensing <strong>the</strong> whole<br />
thing somehow, so <strong>the</strong> fucking taxpayers covered our lap dances. He<br />
knew every single tax loophole in <strong>the</strong> book and had no morals<br />
whatsoever, so he’d be able to help me figure this one out.<br />
My voicemail message light was blinking like a mo<strong>the</strong>rfucker,<br />
but I ignored that and dialed his number in DC, of course using <strong>the</strong><br />
company phone so I didn’t have to pay for <strong>the</strong> call.<br />
“Rudolph Epstein, office of foreign missions tax department” he<br />
said.<br />
“Hey Rudy, this is Cliff Martin in New York. What’s up?”<br />
“Cliff ! I just left you a message. Looks like your stock is up —<br />
It’s all over Fox News. I guess our next trip to Scores is on you, right<br />
buddy?”<br />
“Looks like. Hey, I just exercised <strong>the</strong> options, and now I have a<br />
huge albatross hanging around my neck.”<br />
“Let me guess... does this involve me telling you how much tax<br />
you owe and how to get around it?”<br />
“You’re a mind-reader, pal.”<br />
212
JON KONRATH<br />
“Let’s see — no wife, no kids, no house, no business... you’re<br />
pretty much screwed. How much did you clear?”<br />
“97.3 million and change.”<br />
“Ouch. Well, 97.3 big minus $352,550... 35%... plus 97,653...<br />
That’s roughly 34 and change that you owe Uncle Sugar. I don’t have <strong>the</strong><br />
NY schedule around, but <strong>the</strong>y’re going to hit you too.”<br />
“Thirty four fucking million dollars?”<br />
“$34,029,278, to be exact.”<br />
“Jesus fucking Christ on a cross! I thought it would be like a<br />
hundred grand. I’m not giving those fuckers anything if I can help it.”<br />
“That is with <strong>the</strong> standard deduction, though. You might be able<br />
to cook something up. Maybe you could give some of it to a charity?<br />
Something tax-deductible, but get a receipt.”<br />
“Fuck charity. If I give anyone money, <strong>the</strong>y will fucking call my<br />
house ten times a week for <strong>the</strong> rest of my life wanting more.”<br />
“No shit,” he said. “I gave twenty bucks to Greenpeace back in<br />
‘91 when I was trying to get in a girls pants, and those fuckers are still<br />
sending me letters.”<br />
“What if I buy some Russian chick right off <strong>the</strong> boat and marry<br />
her? What does that get me?”<br />
“It gets you a lot of grief because, trust me on this, Russian<br />
women can be mean-hearted bitches. Tax-wise, it saves you like $6,660.<br />
And <strong>the</strong>n when she becomes completely insufferable and splits, you lose<br />
half of everything.”<br />
“What if I buy a house? Isn’t that what everyone does?”<br />
“Everyone mortgages a house and deducts <strong>the</strong> interest. Showing<br />
up with a suitcase of money won’t do a damn bit of good.”<br />
“How about I don’t pay <strong>the</strong> money? I mean what if I just go<br />
Unabomber and head for <strong>the</strong> hills?”<br />
“You ever hear of a guy named MC Hammer? Or Willie Nelson?<br />
Fuck man, <strong>the</strong> IRS will show up and take <strong>the</strong> fillings out of your god<br />
damned teeth.”<br />
“Any o<strong>the</strong>r suggestions? Anything I can buy, someone I can<br />
hire?”<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 213
THEY<br />
“Lose a lot of money in <strong>the</strong> stock market. Incorporate a business<br />
that burns up a lot of cash. The only two schemes involve losing more<br />
money than <strong>the</strong>y would take, or getting it out of <strong>the</strong> country undetected.<br />
I would tell you to wire it all to some shady offshore or South American<br />
bank, but that’s <strong>the</strong> kind of thing we try to stop at my day job, and that<br />
kind of advice would get me fired, so of course you don’t want to do<br />
that.”<br />
“Fuck fuck fuck, I don’t want to give <strong>the</strong>m anything.”<br />
“Look man, just take <strong>the</strong> hit. Dump <strong>the</strong> rest into <strong>the</strong> stock<br />
market and you’ll be golden, especially if this Canada war starts. You’re<br />
not against this war, are you?”<br />
“No, no, I’m all for war. I hate Canadians. I have moral problems<br />
with paying for o<strong>the</strong>r peoples’ education and welfare, though.”<br />
“I hear you. But <strong>the</strong> easiest way out is to get rid of <strong>the</strong> money,<br />
give it to a school or a foundation or something, like every o<strong>the</strong>r dying<br />
rich white dude.”<br />
“I’ll see what I can do. I’d like to cause a hundred million dollars<br />
of grief before this is over. Maybe start a foundation of pain...”<br />
“Hey Cliff,” said Rudy. “What did you sell at?”<br />
“Just over 387. Why?”<br />
“I’ve got Fox News on mute here. It looks like <strong>the</strong>y found out<br />
Haldiburson’s got Bryan Adams on <strong>the</strong> payroll to juice <strong>the</strong> stock price.<br />
It’s dropped down to 120 already. You might want to get <strong>the</strong> fuck out of<br />
<strong>the</strong> building, maybe buy some firearms, vanish into <strong>the</strong> jungles of<br />
Cambodia. Not official tax advice, though.”<br />
“Thanks for <strong>the</strong> heads-up. Catch you later.”<br />
“Good luck, guy.”<br />
I was in deep shit. I took <strong>the</strong> express elevator to my Honda, and<br />
tore out of <strong>the</strong> garage at light speed. Outside, it looked like Kent State<br />
redux; cops shooting tear gas, protesters torching cars, executives<br />
breaking out office windows and holding hostages at gunpoint. Apache<br />
gunship helicopters flew in a pattern over <strong>the</strong> area, waiting for <strong>the</strong> gocode<br />
to start strafing pedestrians. I pulled out of <strong>the</strong> garage, and tried to<br />
look for a path through <strong>the</strong> people running down <strong>the</strong> road on fire.<br />
214
JON KONRATH<br />
With a sudden crash, <strong>the</strong> front of my car slammed to <strong>the</strong> ground<br />
and <strong>the</strong> windshield exploded. It felt like my car got hit by a running deer<br />
strapped down with explosives. I kept my foot on <strong>the</strong> gas, and <strong>the</strong>n saw<br />
through <strong>the</strong> spiderwebbed safety glass that it was Baxter’s corpse on my<br />
hood, a mess of Brooks Bro<strong>the</strong>rs, blood, hair gel, and shattered bones,<br />
launched earthward from 27 floors above, straight into my Civic’s A-<br />
pillar. I gunned <strong>the</strong> engine, still miraculously functional, <strong>the</strong>n slammed<br />
<strong>the</strong> brakes to roll <strong>the</strong> useless sack of shit off of my hood. Then I punched<br />
out <strong>the</strong> pieces of my former windshield and headed home.<br />
* * *<br />
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT OZK008<br />
F: You were describing a ‘<strong>the</strong>y’. Who are ‘<strong>the</strong>y’?<br />
[20 second pause]<br />
C: They. THEY. They made <strong>the</strong> Pinto explode. They engineered AIDS.<br />
They made Ralph Nader get into politics. They invented New Coke.<br />
Think of every bad thing that happened in your life, in <strong>the</strong> last century. It<br />
was <strong>the</strong>m. They.<br />
F: Is ‘<strong>the</strong>y’ a group of people, an organization, a company?<br />
C: I don’t know! They! They! The devout <strong>the</strong>y will only eat with his right<br />
hand, because his left is caked with lubricants and impacted fecal matter<br />
from repeated anal fisting. They made an animated snuff film so it would<br />
be legal. They killed <strong>the</strong> chick, storyboarded it, and sent it off to a<br />
Korean animation company. It took a couple of tries, because Koreans<br />
can’t draw well.<br />
F: Is this why you were in Korea?<br />
C: I was in Korea because of <strong>the</strong> Turner Diaries. The White Album. Carlos<br />
Mencina. Just pick something so <strong>the</strong>y can kill me! Unleash <strong>the</strong> fucking<br />
fury! Unleash <strong>the</strong> fucking fury!<br />
F: [To orderly] Proloxin, 100mg. Help me hold him down.<br />
END TRANSCRIPT OZK008<br />
* * *<br />
If you have never tried to withdraw two million dollars in<br />
twenties from your checking account after arriving at a bank in a car<br />
with no windshield and drenched in human blood, I wouldn’t<br />
recommend it. But since it would take me about eleven years to withdraw<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 215
THEY<br />
it $500 a day from an ATM, desperate measures were required, and I had<br />
to slap around a few tellers before <strong>the</strong>y finally pried open <strong>the</strong> vault and<br />
sent me on my way.<br />
A hundred thousand twenty dollar bills weigh about a hundred<br />
pounds, take up as much space as <strong>the</strong> average coffin, and barely fit in <strong>the</strong><br />
trunk of what was left of my car. Driving around in a thousand-dollar<br />
shi<strong>the</strong>ap car with <strong>the</strong> average price of a used Learjet in <strong>the</strong> back can<br />
cause some anxiety in some people, and I found I was one of <strong>the</strong>m. But I<br />
worried even more about what would be waiting for me at my apartment.<br />
I envisioned two lines at <strong>the</strong> door: one of stragglers asking for handouts,<br />
and <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r a line of Treasury department employees that just got <strong>the</strong><br />
red alert that someone took a shitload of money out of <strong>the</strong> bank. Both<br />
were bad.<br />
Back at my one-bedroom shithole, <strong>the</strong> answering machine had 47<br />
messages on it, so I took <strong>the</strong> phone off <strong>the</strong> hook. On average, I get about<br />
four messages a week, all wrong numbers. Now that I didn’t want to hear<br />
from anyone, a million calls. I pressed play.<br />
BEEP. “Cliff, this is your Uncle Jethro. I know we haven’t talked<br />
for a while and maybe I called you a faggot or something because you<br />
took all of those fruity paintin’ classes. But I heard about your company,<br />
and well, me and your aunt are having some trouble out here on <strong>the</strong> dirt<br />
farm and could use some help. Ever since your cousin Jamie went to<br />
prison for that meth lab, we’re been having trouble with <strong>the</strong> bills, and<br />
<strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong> dogs got sick...”<br />
DELETE<br />
BEEP. “Hey buddy. This is your old college hallmate Forest. You<br />
remember, I lived two doors down from you freshman year and sold pot<br />
out of my van. Anyway, I work for AustinLittleGreenfeld now, and<br />
manage an event-driven hedge fund that has been outperforming...”<br />
DELETE<br />
BEEP. “Hi Cliff, I don’t know if you remember me or not, but I’m<br />
Cheryl Smith, and we dated a few times back in 1992, before I fucked<br />
your best friend. I guess I never got to apologize, but I was wondering if<br />
you were ever in Boston on business, I’d really, really like to see you<br />
again. I mean, I’m married, but I can be very discreet...”<br />
216
JON KONRATH<br />
(I distinctly remembered <strong>the</strong> quality of her blowjob, and wrote<br />
down her number before deleting.)<br />
Every redneck relative, former babysitter, elementary school<br />
teacher, and distant neighbor called with a sob story. Every woman that<br />
ever dumped me and screamed “I DON’T WANT TO EVER TALK TO<br />
YOU AGAIN” at me, every former out-at-third-date who couldn’t<br />
remember my name when I was inside <strong>the</strong>m left a message suggesting<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir availability for sexual relations, married or no.<br />
Before I could even stop to take a piss, <strong>the</strong>y started knocking on<br />
my door. “Cliff ! It’s Vincent, your landlord. We’re going to have to raise<br />
your rent to $40,000 a week. Come on Cliff, you signed a lease. We know<br />
you’re in <strong>the</strong>re! The lights are on!”<br />
Good point; I shut off every light, used <strong>the</strong> Paris Hilton<br />
Cocksucking setting on my camcorder to pack a suitcase of vitals, <strong>the</strong>n<br />
kicked out <strong>the</strong> bathroom window, crawled to my car, and drove fast to<br />
find a hotel where I could hide and regroup.<br />
* * *<br />
Aircraft Accident Report<br />
Controlled Flight Into Terrain<br />
Korean Air Flight 120<br />
Boeing 747-300, HL7468<br />
Wal-Mart Dunlap shopping center, Elkhart, Indiana, USA<br />
August 6, 2009<br />
NTSB Number AAR-00/01<br />
NTIS Number PB00-910401<br />
PDF Document (3.7M)<br />
Related information from <strong>the</strong> Public Docket<br />
Abstract: On March 16, 2009, about 0142:26 Indiana local time, Korean<br />
Air flight 120, a Boeing 747-3B5B (747-300), Korean registration<br />
HL7468, operated by Korean Air Company, Ltd., crashed outside<br />
Goshen, Indiana. Flight 120 departed from Kimpo International<br />
Airport, Seoul, Korea, with 2 pilots, 1 flight engineer, 14 flight<br />
attendants, and 237 passengers on board. The airplane had been cleared<br />
to land on runway 6 Left at O’Hare International Airport, Chicago,<br />
Illinois, and crashed into a Wal-Mart department store about 3 miles<br />
southwest of Elkhart, approximately 129 miles east-sou<strong>the</strong>ast of O’Hare,<br />
after a transfer of control to an unlicensed pilot during an armed<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 217
THEY<br />
hijacking. Of <strong>the</strong> 254 persons on board, 228 were killed; 23 passengers<br />
(including <strong>the</strong> unlicensed pilot) and 3 flight attendants survived <strong>the</strong><br />
accident with serious injuries. 12 of <strong>the</strong> flight attendants and 22 female<br />
passengers were also found to have endured repeated and aggressive acts<br />
of sodomy, many post-mortem. The airplane was destroyed by impact<br />
forces and a postcrash fire. Flight 120 was operating in U.S. airspace as a<br />
regularly scheduled international passenger service flight under <strong>the</strong><br />
Convention on International Civil Aviation and <strong>the</strong> provisions of 14<br />
Code of Federal Regulations Part 129 and was on an instrument flight<br />
rules flight plan prior to <strong>the</strong> hostile takeover.<br />
The National Transportation Safety Board determines that <strong>the</strong> probable<br />
cause of <strong>the</strong> Korean Air flight 120 accident was <strong>the</strong> unlicensed pilot’s<br />
desire to run into a Wal-Mart at high speed in order to obtain an<br />
erection and become Jesus, fucking twelve hostage disciples with <strong>the</strong><br />
body and blood of Christ. Contributing to this issue was <strong>the</strong> unlicensed<br />
pilot’s total lack of flight training outside of <strong>the</strong> Ace Combat videogame<br />
series, <strong>the</strong> psychiatric condition of <strong>the</strong> unlicensed pilot, and his extreme<br />
fatigue after anally and vaginally raping over 24 passengers and crew<br />
members during <strong>the</strong> flight. Contributing to <strong>the</strong> accident was <strong>the</strong> inability<br />
of ground emergency crews to respond to <strong>the</strong> fire due to <strong>the</strong> season<br />
finale episode of <strong>the</strong> American Idol television program.<br />
The safety issues in this report focus on flight crew performance during<br />
a hostage situation; air traffic control response, including controller<br />
performance; <strong>the</strong> adequacy of <strong>the</strong> Elkhart County fire and rescue<br />
response units; <strong>the</strong> amount of merchandise that immediately burst into<br />
flame after <strong>the</strong> collision due to poor quality and non-fire-retardant<br />
fabrics; and flight data recorder documentation. This report also<br />
analyzes <strong>the</strong> lyrics of <strong>the</strong> music album by <strong>the</strong> musical performance group<br />
known as “Inverted Bitch Fister”, entitled “Fucking Crash a 747 into a<br />
Wal-Mart to Get a Hard-On” and <strong>the</strong> possible relationship between <strong>the</strong><br />
album and <strong>the</strong> accident, given that <strong>the</strong> alleged pilot and hijacker, was a<br />
fan of <strong>the</strong> aforementioned music group, and <strong>the</strong> Jesus/disciple motivation<br />
was also depicted in a B-side single to <strong>the</strong>ir third album, entitled “I Am<br />
Jesus, Go Fuck Yourself.”<br />
[...]<br />
* * *<br />
The next morning, I woke in a shithole hotel just under <strong>the</strong><br />
LaGuardia flight line. Between <strong>the</strong> landing jets rushing over my head<br />
218
JON KONRATH<br />
and <strong>the</strong> usual nightmares about <strong>the</strong> Zionist Occupational Government<br />
and <strong>the</strong> Priory of Sion starting a nuclear war for <strong>the</strong> hell of it, I slept<br />
maybe ten minutes, and watched enough late-night TV infomercials to<br />
make me hate <strong>the</strong> world even more.<br />
You’d think a sure bet in <strong>the</strong> stock market would be McDonald’s.<br />
I mean, not a sure bet to make money, but even money that <strong>the</strong> company<br />
would fold. I popped out my laptop, fired up an MP3 from <strong>the</strong> extreme<br />
black metal band Inverted Bitch Fister, and bought just over two million<br />
shares of MCD, at $38 each. Ten seconds later, a trading floor employee<br />
called and asked if I was insane, to which I said “WIN OR LOSE I<br />
MAKE YOU MONEY NOW FUCKING EXECUTE THE ORDER!<br />
PULL THE STRING!” I knew McDonald’s stock would soon hit <strong>the</strong><br />
floor because of <strong>the</strong> Canadian mad cow thing, and also some doofus<br />
recently tried to film a documentary where <strong>the</strong>y ate 10,000 calories an<br />
hour for 30 days at a McDonald’s, and exploded. Of course, this was<br />
entirely <strong>the</strong> fault of McDonald’s, and <strong>the</strong>y were quickly boycotted by<br />
millions of people who never ate <strong>the</strong>re anyway.<br />
I took a long shower, got dressed, and considered various<br />
methods of leaving <strong>the</strong> country with a hundred pounds of cash. On <strong>the</strong><br />
tube, CNN’s scroller said “Mad Cow cured...” I flipped on <strong>the</strong> sound:<br />
“...citing a new form of meat treatment that just finished phase<br />
three testing, <strong>the</strong> fast food chain has announced. The simple all-organic<br />
treatment regimen kills prions that cause bovine spongiform<br />
encephalopathy. The news has driven up <strong>the</strong> stock of <strong>the</strong> restaurant<br />
chain to over $200 a share.”<br />
God damn it! Is this going to be a real life Brewster’s Millions?<br />
“However, President Jackson has stated that <strong>the</strong> looming war<br />
with Canada will most likely continue, saying ‘this shit’s way too fun to<br />
stop. Snakes on a mo<strong>the</strong>rfuckin’ plane!’“<br />
It’s harder than you’d think to tear out a hotel TV and throw it<br />
through a window, but my extreme anger certainly helped. I knew that<br />
Haldiburson made up all of <strong>the</strong> mad cow crap in <strong>the</strong> first place, because I<br />
drew <strong>the</strong>ir doctored charts. They probably cut Micky D’s a check or<br />
maybe concocted some massive stock shorting operation so <strong>the</strong>y could<br />
call off <strong>the</strong> threat and make money.<br />
After my Keith Moon moment, I hauled <strong>the</strong> bags of cash down a<br />
service stairwell to my windshieldless Honda and drove at top speed to<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 219
THEY<br />
my next idea in wealth distribution, a Bentley/Lamborghini/Rolls<br />
Royce dealership. I e-braked my bloody windshieldless car sideways into<br />
three spots in front, and went inside, to find a group of horrified suits<br />
staring at me.<br />
“I want to buy all of your cars,” I said.<br />
“Pardon me sir?” said a distinguished-looking gentleman with a<br />
slight British accent.<br />
“Cars, cars, cars. I want to buy a bunch of fucking cars. Who’s in<br />
charge? Can you sell me a car carrier truck, and just load it full of your<br />
most expensive models in stock?”<br />
“Sir...”<br />
“How much for <strong>the</strong> ugly blue one with <strong>the</strong> flat front?”<br />
“That is <strong>the</strong> 2010 Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe. It’s<br />
one of <strong>the</strong> finest motor vehicles...”<br />
“I didn’t ask for a speech, Winston, just <strong>the</strong> pricetag.”<br />
“The base price is $410,000. That one, as equipped, is $620,000,<br />
plus tax, delivery, and o<strong>the</strong>r surcharges.”<br />
“Sounds good. You take cash?”<br />
“Sir, I hardly think <strong>the</strong> refined craftsmanship brought forth and<br />
inspired by Sir Henry Royce would be appropriate for a person of your...<br />
caliber.”<br />
“Are you saying you won’t sell me <strong>the</strong> fucking car?”<br />
“Sir, I highly recommend <strong>the</strong> Saturn dealership two miles down<br />
<strong>the</strong> road...”<br />
From behind me, a group of four security guards arrived to drag<br />
me out.<br />
“I could buy five Saturn dealerships and still have enough cash to<br />
buy a Bentley for each member of <strong>the</strong> Portland Trailblazers, you fuck!<br />
It’s people like you that made American Idol happen in <strong>the</strong> first place! I<br />
hope you Limey pricks are next in line after Canada! Princess Diana<br />
deserved it!”<br />
They hauled me outside and dumped me on <strong>the</strong> ground in front<br />
of my Honda. It felt like someone was behind this, but I didn’t know<br />
220
JON KONRATH<br />
who. All I knew is I needed to buy a sledgehammer and knock out <strong>the</strong><br />
windows of everything on <strong>the</strong>ir lot after <strong>the</strong>y closed at night. Fuck!<br />
* * *<br />
FORENSIC EVALUATION DOCKET NUMBER CR S-96-259 GEB<br />
PAGE 6 (Continued)<br />
In 1991, <strong>the</strong> subject contacted a campus psychiatrist, Dr. Robert Upton,<br />
concerning insomnia. Records indicate <strong>the</strong> subject reported nightmares<br />
and ‘night terror’ involving paranoid visions of totalitarian government<br />
and apocalypse. He indicates <strong>the</strong> doctor suspected he was depressed, but<br />
he was dissatisfied with his diagnosis.<br />
Dr. Upton’s notes indicate he suspected possible undifferentiated type<br />
schizophrenia (295.9/F20.3), but did not have <strong>the</strong> opportunity for<br />
fur<strong>the</strong>r evaluation. Dr. Upton did prescribe a low dose (300 mg) of<br />
Neurontin, but <strong>the</strong> subject never returned and had no o<strong>the</strong>r mental<br />
health contacts prior to <strong>the</strong> period of his arrest on <strong>the</strong> current charges.<br />
VII. THE DEFENDANT’S UNDERSTANDING OF THE CHARGES<br />
AND THE PROCEEDINGS AGAINST HIM<br />
The subject does not acknowledge his custody situation and says that<br />
“this is all just something that <strong>the</strong>y made up to sell more hamburgers”<br />
and “you’re probably holding me next to <strong>the</strong> studio where <strong>the</strong>y faked <strong>the</strong><br />
Iran war”. The subject refuses to provide any descriptions of <strong>the</strong> roles of<br />
court functionaries, and his paranoid delusion makes <strong>the</strong> basic<br />
understanding of general legal procedure impossible. When confronted<br />
with or questioned about <strong>the</strong> possible consequence of a guilty verdict, <strong>the</strong><br />
subject repeatedly states “why don’t you just get Celine Dion to shit<br />
down my throat until I die?”<br />
VIII. MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION<br />
The subject was agitated, unresponsive, or uncooperative during <strong>the</strong><br />
examination. Personal hygeiene was not a factor as he was kept in full<br />
restraints. Speech was incoherent, unintelligible, or delusional. Mood<br />
ranged from uninterested to extremely violent. There was constant<br />
evidence of suicidal ideation and suicidal intentions. Observed emotional<br />
tone was completely inappropriate. He constantly referred to a<br />
conspiracy group or movement simply called ‘<strong>the</strong>y’ that ran all of<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 221
THEY<br />
modern man, and would cause its demise. The subject also<br />
demonstrated an irregular belief that if one ate a large number of Little<br />
Debbie Zebra Cakes, <strong>the</strong>ir excrement would taste like <strong>the</strong> undigested<br />
product, and this was evidence of a higher conspiracy.<br />
Aside from possible depression from injuries caused in <strong>the</strong> crash, <strong>the</strong>re<br />
was no evidence of organic impairment of mental functions. The<br />
subject’s actions could not be ruled out as Limbic psychotic trigger<br />
reaction, but partial history dictates a longer-term underlying condition,<br />
due to psychosis observed during examination.<br />
[...]<br />
* * *<br />
I bought <strong>the</strong> fucking Saturn. I actually bought two, because<br />
when <strong>the</strong>y didn’t want to take away my decapitated Honda, I took out<br />
<strong>the</strong> tire iron and beat <strong>the</strong> shit out of a car on <strong>the</strong> showroom floor, and you<br />
break it, you buy it. So now I had a $32,000 car, $1,933,000 in twenties,<br />
and $120,000,000 in <strong>the</strong> bank. And <strong>the</strong> Saturn Sky was no Rolls-Royce,<br />
ei<strong>the</strong>r. It was like GM’s subtle way of telling America that Japan should<br />
have won <strong>the</strong> war. It drove like a car sold by Ikea that you had to<br />
assemble yourself with a tiny allen wrench, and <strong>the</strong> money barely fit in<br />
<strong>the</strong> trunk. But thank baby Jesus it had OnStar. I pressed <strong>the</strong> little blue<br />
button every two minutes and tried to initiate phone sex with <strong>the</strong> agent,<br />
until <strong>the</strong>y disconnected my service and gave me a stern reminder that I<br />
should not try to masturbate while operating a motor vehicle.<br />
On an aimless drive through <strong>the</strong> city, I thought about buying a<br />
huge apartment for ten or twenty million, but <strong>the</strong>y all required board<br />
approval, and boards don’t like to hear things like that you work for<br />
Haldiburson, or that your first redecorating project will be building a<br />
Silence of <strong>the</strong> Lambs-style death pit, throwing all of <strong>the</strong> board into <strong>the</strong><br />
hole, and screaming “THEY PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET”<br />
while dancing around <strong>the</strong> apartment to <strong>the</strong> song “Goodbye Horses” with<br />
your dong hidden between my thighs. I also tried to write <strong>the</strong> Catholic<br />
Church a check for $25,000,000, earmarked for pro-abortion rallies, but<br />
<strong>the</strong>y hung up on me.<br />
I rolled to a stop at a red light, next to a <strong>free</strong>way cloverleaf, six<br />
lanes meeting six lanes. A second later, a tapping on my passenger door<br />
greeted me.<br />
222
JON KONRATH<br />
“Hey man,” said a guy that resembled <strong>the</strong> cover of <strong>the</strong> Jethro<br />
Tull album Aqualung, but much smellier. “I ain’t gonna bullshit you, I<br />
need a drink. You got any money? I was in ‘Nam, man” He looked like<br />
he just took a strong pull from a bottle of PVC pipe adhesive, and began<br />
his rehearsed tale of woe.<br />
“Really, where were you stationed?”<br />
“Da Nang, Khe Song, Cambodia, secret missions north of <strong>the</strong><br />
DMZ, all over <strong>the</strong> place. And I fucked your mom.”<br />
“What? What <strong>the</strong> fuck did you just say?”<br />
“I was a Lieutenant Colonel in <strong>the</strong> Green Berets and we trained<br />
with <strong>the</strong> SEALs and did Lurp patrols. They paid me to fuck your<br />
grandmo<strong>the</strong>r in <strong>the</strong> ass. I served under John Kerry. We double-teamed<br />
your mom, and nine months later, you popped out. You got any change?”<br />
I swore that’s what he said, even though it made no sense. I still<br />
had my Wal-Mart sledgehammer in <strong>the</strong> front seat, from <strong>the</strong> Saturn<br />
dealership debacle. I vaguely remember someone at Wal-Mart not<br />
selling me a gun or knife, so I stole <strong>the</strong> sledge. I jumped out of <strong>the</strong><br />
convertible with <strong>the</strong> hammer of Thor and rushed <strong>the</strong> bum.<br />
“What <strong>the</strong> fuck is your problem? What did I say to you? I just<br />
asked for change! Are you crazy?”<br />
“You work for <strong>the</strong>m! You fucking work for <strong>the</strong>m!” I clearly<br />
watched <strong>the</strong> hammer in my hands swing like it was a freshman-year trig<br />
problem. It connected with his skull, and it exploded in a cloud of red<br />
and grey. I hit him 16 more times in <strong>the</strong> head. I counted. I watched his<br />
face turn into dog food. A hundred people in <strong>the</strong> intersection were<br />
honking <strong>the</strong>ir horns for me to get <strong>the</strong> fuck out of <strong>the</strong> way.<br />
I dropped <strong>the</strong> hammer, got in <strong>the</strong> car, and gunned onto <strong>the</strong><br />
highway going west. My head really hurt, and I needed more Excedrin.<br />
And I really craved Tom’s Burgers, this chain out in LA. I figured I<br />
could get <strong>the</strong>re in a few days. Maybe I’d need a car with different plates<br />
and no blood. And an iPod. And a machine gun. I’d figure that out later.<br />
* * *<br />
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT OZK122<br />
F: What is <strong>the</strong> last thing you remember before <strong>the</strong> plane crash?<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 223
THEY<br />
C: I remember being in LA, and <strong>the</strong>n nothing...<br />
[20 second pause]<br />
C: Then everything smelled like shit.<br />
F: On <strong>the</strong> plane?<br />
C: No, Korea. Have you ever eaten Kimchi? It smelled like straight-up<br />
fermented shit. It was everywhere.<br />
F: Why were you in Korea?<br />
C: KAL 007. KAL 858. KAL 801. I thought I’d hit for <strong>the</strong> cycle.<br />
F: I don’t follow.<br />
C: GOD DAMN IT GET A COMPUTER AND LEARN TO USE<br />
GOOGLE! Korean Air 007, shot down by Russians in 83. Flight 858,<br />
bombed by crazy North Koreans. Flight 801, flew into a mountain<br />
because of a stupid pilot.<br />
F: You don’t remember <strong>the</strong> drive across <strong>the</strong> country? Planning <strong>the</strong><br />
hijacking? The practice run at LAX? The plastic guns?<br />
[15 second pause]<br />
C: One of <strong>the</strong> orderlies said a couple dozen people lived.<br />
F: 22 passengers, 3 attendants. And you.<br />
C: And me. They probably planned that. That’s my point.<br />
[30 second pause]<br />
F: What’s your point?<br />
C: I can’t change anything. They run everything. If you let me out of<br />
here tomorrow and I wanted to kill ano<strong>the</strong>r thousand people, <strong>the</strong>y would<br />
stop me, unless <strong>the</strong>y wanted those thousand people dead. They control<br />
everything. If you put a gun in my hand and pointed it at my head, it<br />
would miss, if <strong>the</strong>y wanted me alive. The only reason I haven’t killed you<br />
with your own pen is that <strong>the</strong>y don’t want me to.<br />
F: The only reason you haven’t killed me is you’re strapped to a bed in<br />
ten-point restraints.<br />
C: BUT THEY STRAPPED ME TO THE BED! IF THEY WANTED<br />
YOU TO BE DEAD, I WOULD KILL YOU IN A HEARTBEAT!<br />
THEY! THEY! THEY! THEY ARE YOUR GOD!<br />
F: [To orderly] Proloxin, 500mg. Quickly...<br />
224
JON KONRATH<br />
END TRANSCRIPT OZK122<br />
* * *<br />
Seat 24A. The plane pushes back in ten minutes. They didn’t<br />
catch his fake passport. They didn’t search his carry-on. It’s <strong>the</strong> older<br />
airport in Seoul, and <strong>the</strong>re’s so much traffic, so many people. Wear a suit,<br />
smile, you can get through with a Stinger missile and a suitcase full of<br />
crank. No problems.<br />
Before he left LA, he found a guy who completely retrofitted<br />
Glock 17s, replacing <strong>the</strong> barrel, slide, and all metal parts with carbonfiber<br />
or polymer. It used a caseless ammo that contained no metal. He<br />
bought two of <strong>the</strong>m, and found a gym bag that enabled him to take <strong>the</strong><br />
slides and magazines off <strong>the</strong> pistols and hide <strong>the</strong>m in shoes and shampoo<br />
bottles. He also bought three military-grade ceramic knives, strapped to<br />
his socks.<br />
He watched <strong>the</strong> flight status on <strong>the</strong> LCD screen. He would wait<br />
until everyone was asleep, an hour or two before O’Hare. He would fly at<br />
a thousand feet, until he saw a fucking Wal-Mart. Maybe even one right<br />
by a Saturn dealership. He would prove that <strong>the</strong>y couldn’t control<br />
everything.<br />
AIR IN THE PARAGRAPH LINE #12 225
THEY<br />
226
Contributors<br />
Grant Bailie is <strong>the</strong> author of one published novel, one soon to be<br />
published novel and several o<strong>the</strong>r novels that are not scheduled for<br />
publication but hang around anyway, haunting him while he is trying to<br />
sleep.<br />
Keith Buckley is a textbook example of why hypomanics should be<br />
hunted down with aluminum bats, trapped and forcibly transported to<br />
Bouvet Island. While <strong>the</strong> author’s extensive oeuvre primarily consists of<br />
unpublished and unpublishable pornoviolence, every so often his meds<br />
kick in and he manages to produce coherent short stories, poetry, and<br />
historical works which somehow go to press. Buckley has enjoyed an<br />
equally disheartening career as a musician, sound engineer and studio<br />
owner; although he remains willing to concede someone has composed<br />
more songs and chamber works, he refuses to admit anyone has written<br />
<strong>the</strong>m so badly. If this kind of self-abuse sounds intriguing, ei<strong>the</strong>r get <strong>the</strong><br />
professional help you so desperately need or contact Mr. Buckley at<br />
fharpo50@yahoo.com.<br />
Tony Byrer is a lifelong slacker and an underachiever. Currently between<br />
jobs, he spends his days shuffling between <strong>the</strong> computer and <strong>the</strong><br />
television. One of <strong>the</strong>se days he hopes to discover a hidden well of<br />
motivation within himself that will enable him to finish <strong>the</strong> goddamn<br />
novel he’s been working on for five years. Tony lives in sou<strong>the</strong>rn Indiana<br />
with his sweet long-suffering wife, five cats, and a black lab mix with<br />
flappy lips and no balls.<br />
Joshua Citrak says: i edit, publish and contribute to my magazine, slouch<br />
at www.slouchmag.com, a West Coast slacker fiction journal, writer’s<br />
resource and creative community. i’ve changed desks, changed jobs and<br />
changed hair color and i’m still unable to point myself out. in a crowd?<br />
fuck <strong>the</strong> crowd.<br />
Kurt Eisenlohr is a writer and a painter. His first novel, Meat Won’t Pay<br />
My Light Bill was published by Future Tense Press in 2000. He is<br />
currently writing a new one. Kurt has a blog called EASY TO USE<br />
(kurteisenlohr.blogspot.com) where he posts his art and writings. He<br />
lives in Portland, Oregon.
Rebel Star Hobson (her real name) was raised by hippies and hillbillies,<br />
who provided her with a wealth of story material. She is currently<br />
working on a chapbook titled Goddamn, Hostess Snack Cakes Again?, that<br />
is all about her youth growing up in a white-trash crime syndicate. She<br />
hopes to one day expand <strong>the</strong> stories into a novel, but she works a crappy<br />
day job at a pawn shop and wastes time thinking about archaeological<br />
discoveries. She also writes a blog, where she abuses commas and<br />
paren<strong>the</strong>ses on a regular basis. It can be found at http://myspace.com/<br />
rebelsnerd<br />
Stephen Huffman is a beer swiller who mostly hides at ‘The Ranch’ in<br />
Aledo, TX. Between beers he dabbles in photography, music, scribbling<br />
words and showing up for work in nearby Fort Worth. He’s a frequent<br />
contributor to Anti-HeroArt.com, and is currently working up <strong>the</strong> nerve<br />
to finish writing a semi-fic novel about his experiences on a Nuclear<br />
Submarine in <strong>the</strong> 70’s. You can cuss him out at hip39@juno.com.<br />
Jon Konrath has written and published about six books, including<br />
Summer Rain and Rumored to Exist. He is <strong>the</strong> editor of this piece of shit<br />
(<strong>Paragraph</strong><strong>Line</strong>.com), and written for many o<strong>the</strong>r zines and publications.<br />
He is also an inventor, computer programmer, and will be running for<br />
President in 2008. He lives in Denver, and has bought 40 acres of land in<br />
<strong>the</strong> mountains, where he plans to build a heavily-armed compound. He<br />
can be found online at rumored.com.<br />
R. Lee publishes <strong>the</strong> zines Underworld Crawl and Barrelhouse from a lousy<br />
neighborhood that suits him just fine. He worships cats and is obsessed<br />
with Traditional Jazz and bitter, bitter ales. Contact him at<br />
RLEEMAIL@gmail.com.<br />
Dege Legg (Pronounced: “deej”) is a writer/musician, born & raised in<br />
<strong>the</strong> swamplands of Louisiana. He has spent <strong>the</strong> last 20 years exploring &<br />
documenting weirdness in <strong>the</strong> Deep South. Author of 2 books and 5<br />
records as well as founder of <strong>the</strong> bands, Santeria & Black Bayou<br />
Construktion.<br />
Erin O’Brien is a <strong>free</strong>lance writer and columnist in Cleveland, Ohio. She<br />
has one novel, Harvey & Eck. She also maintains a blog of dubious repute,<br />
“The Erin O’Brien Owner’s Manual for Human Beings” at erin-
obrien.blogspot.com. Send bitter complaints and lavish praise to her at<br />
eobnow@yahoo.com.<br />
Mat<strong>the</strong>w Pazzol is an aspiring trickster archetype/ perspiring hipster<br />
ass-wipe. After dropping out of a highly esteemed graduate program for<br />
fine arts, he has toured with metal bands, programmed robots, worked in<br />
Toronto as a pornographer, street-performed as Butmono <strong>the</strong> Clown and<br />
read everything within his reach. He currently lives in what <strong>the</strong> British<br />
Society for Psychical Research has deemed <strong>the</strong> 13th most haunted place<br />
on earth. Find him and his puppets at myspace.com/stupidtool.<br />
John Sheppard is <strong>the</strong> author of Small Town Punk (Ig Publishing, 2007)<br />
and <strong>the</strong> upcoming novel Tales of <strong>the</strong> Peacetime Army (<strong>Paragraph</strong> <strong>Line</strong><br />
Books, 2007). A career civil servant, he lives in Illinois with his wife<br />
Helen. Visit him online at homepage.mac.com/johnsheppard.<br />
Joseph Suglia earned a Ph.D. in Comparative Literary Studies from<br />
Northwestern University. He is <strong>the</strong> author of Watch Out, <strong>the</strong> greatest<br />
novel of <strong>the</strong> past thirty years.<br />
Todd Taylor was born in Texarkana, Tx in 1967. He moved to <strong>the</strong><br />
Dallas/Fort Worth Methroplex in 1971 and has lived <strong>the</strong>re ever since.<br />
Waiting on nuclear annilation in <strong>the</strong> Reagan years he began playing<br />
guitar, sometimes in garage bands. He began writing The Great<br />
American Dildo column on Anti-heroart.com in 1999 and still posts<br />
<strong>the</strong>re to this day. Yuppie Rockwell is a pen name Todd Taylor used in <strong>the</strong><br />
late 1990s when he went to poetry readings. He resurrected it for his<br />
story “Boogerlove” because it seemed like a cool idea after drinking a<br />
6-pack.<br />
Richard K. Weems (www.weemsnet.net) is <strong>the</strong> author of a short story<br />
collection, Anything He Wants, from Spire Press, available at your smarter<br />
bookstores. He directs <strong>the</strong> creative writing program for <strong>the</strong> NJ<br />
Governor’s School of <strong>the</strong> Arts. His wife in one tall drink of water.
Also From <strong>Paragraph</strong> <strong>Line</strong> Books...<br />
“I had an unimportant job in <strong>the</strong> food service industry and an<br />
unimportant college career, both lazily going nowhere. After an Army<br />
commercial telling me that I should want to be all that I could be, <strong>the</strong><br />
screen went to snow. Everything was catching up with me. There wasn’t<br />
much left to do but join <strong>the</strong> Army.”<br />
Read <strong>the</strong> latest book by John Sheppard, author of Small Town Punk.<br />
Coming Winter 2007 from <strong>Paragraph</strong> <strong>Line</strong> Books. (<strong>Paragraph</strong><strong>Line</strong>.com)