Living + Magazine Issue 1 - Positive Living BC

NON FICTION
EXCERPT FROM LIVING POSITIVE MANUAL
A spiritual response to HIV
A PWA learns how to live life more fully
Living with HIV/AIDS is a physical challenge. Most of us develop regular, laborintensive
routines including pill taking, complementary therapies, and minute
inspection of body parts and orifices for signs of disease. As much as AIDS/HIV
is a physical challenge it is also a spiritual challenge. What is spirituality anyway?
In the nine years that I’ve been volunteering in the AIDS community I’ve discovered
that it is many things to many people.
For me it is about developing deeper love for
myself and all other beings. Sometimes I feel an
interconnectedness that is difficult to put into words.
It’s more a feeling. There is a sense of urgency because
of uncertainty How much time do I have? Will
this be my last healthy summer? Uncertainty of one’s
own survival, the death of friends and colleagues has
ironically taught me how to live more fully. Death
has become an ally.
In this intensified climate growth often accelerates.
With nothing left to lose, risk takes on new
meaning. Changes that seemed daunting before an
HIV diagnosis seems like nothing compared to the
prospect of dying without having done them. With
old values falling away many of us have made what
seems like erratic, extreme movements in search of
happiness and spiritual meaning. Friends have left
careers to run grief support groups. Addicts get sober
and become spokespersons. Among those not
infected but working closely with the community
these changes have been equally inspiring. Disaster
can be used to draw us nearer together, to inspire us
to become authentic and to open our hearts and
seek enlightenment.
There is an urgent message flashing in my mind
“Do not waste your time.” This has propelled me to
change and confront what is difficult and in the way
of my pursuit of growth and peace of mind. It is a
daily learning process. A slow awakening aided by
my interest in techniques like meditation. I check
in with myself every morning in a quiet room. I try
to focus and use affirmations like ‘May I be able to
be more loving, compassionate and understanding
to myself and others. May I gain more insight and
develop a peace of mind that is not just dependent
on pleasant experience.’
Spirituality offers me a calm refuge in the midst
of uncertainty. I live more in the present moment
and savor the little things like children playing, the
smell of spring, big billowy clouds.
There is a constant struggle to come back to the
moment with non resistance and non judgment. It
feels like I am pursuing my own wisdom and I’m in
a hurry. There have been undeniable benefits in
having the myth of immortality exploded in my face
over and over.
Developing a spiritual
practice for me is another There is an urgent
tool in my quest for survival.
message flashing in my
I can endure more if I have
a strong spirit. AIDS has mind: “Do not waste
challenged me and others your time.”
in many ways. Hitting a marginalized
population already high in survival skills
and eager for civil rights the epidemic has acted as
a social powder keg unleashing astounding powers
of resourcefulness, community support, solidarity,
revolt and imagination. This is spirit in action. The
feeling of brotherhood is the spiritual bridge for
many who are put off by organized religion and new
age language, moved by a sense of kinship and responsibility
towards others. Some people have been
put off by what they term “Readers Digest psychology”
with its simplistic “think happy, get healthy”
message personified by Louise Hay. Some tend to
blame themselves for not recovering.
Many of us with HIV/AIDS are making concerted
efforts to integrate psycho-spiritual healing with the
physical realities of immune deficiency. Regular spiritual
retreats, faerie gatherings, meditation, yoga,
continued on page 14
JULY/AUGUST 1999 • LIVING + 9