Lesson 1: What should be our goal in life?
Lesson 1: What should be our goal in life?
Lesson 1: What should be our goal in life?
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F<strong>in</strong>d<strong>in</strong>g and Be<strong>in</strong>g a W<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g Spouse<br />
Salim S Yusufali<br />
shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010
Is “marriage” <strong>be</strong>com<strong>in</strong>g some of the<br />
past?<br />
- In 2005, 51 percent of women said they were<br />
liv<strong>in</strong>g without a spouse, up from 35 percent<br />
<strong>in</strong> 1950 and 49 percent <strong>in</strong> 2000.<br />
- In 2005 married couples <strong>be</strong>came a m<strong>in</strong>ority<br />
of all American households for the first time<br />
- Anecdotal evidence<br />
So why <strong>should</strong> we get married? And what are<br />
the <strong>goal</strong>s of marriage?
Reason 1: Because God desires that<br />
we marry<br />
Marry off the s<strong>in</strong>gles who are among<br />
you...(Surah Noor (24):32)<br />
The Prophet (s) said that the most<br />
<strong>be</strong>loved build<strong>in</strong>g built <strong>in</strong> Islam is that of<br />
marriage<br />
Motto of <strong>our</strong> existence from Ameer al-<br />
Mu'm<strong>in</strong>een (a):<br />
عَبْدا لَكًَ أَكُىنًَ أَنًْ عِسّاً بِي كَفَى إِلَهِي<br />
O Allah! Honor for me is to <strong>be</strong> Y<strong>our</strong> servant
Reason 2: Because the Ahlul Bayt (a)<br />
want us to marry<br />
The Prophet (s): Whoever has the<br />
means to get married but doesn’t<br />
marry isn’t from me.<br />
From Imam al-Sadiq (a): The<br />
Prophet forbade women from<br />
hold<strong>in</strong>g back and keep<strong>in</strong>g<br />
themselves from marriage.
Reason 3: It is the way we are<br />
created<br />
• Shahwah / شهىة (Lust) or “attraction to<br />
<strong>be</strong>auty without regards to halal or haram”<br />
is a force placed with<strong>in</strong> human soul<br />
• Lust is a bless<strong>in</strong>g from Allah<br />
• How to make use of this bless<strong>in</strong>g?<br />
• Surah Yaseen (36): 36: Immaculate is He<br />
who has created <strong>in</strong> pairs of what the earth<br />
grows, and of themselves, and of what<br />
they do not know. (Accord<strong>in</strong>g to a<br />
<strong>in</strong>terpretation)
Reason 4: Spiritual Perfection<br />
A woman comes to Imam al-Baqir (a), say<strong>in</strong>g that she<br />
has decided to not marry <strong>in</strong> order to ga<strong>in</strong> perfection.<br />
The Imam (a) tells her, “Desist from do<strong>in</strong>g so! For if<br />
there were any perfection <strong>in</strong> do<strong>in</strong>g that, Fatima (a)<br />
would have decl<strong>in</strong>ed to marry, and none can surpass<br />
her perfection!” (Bihar al-Anwar, v. 100, p. 219)<br />
Hadith from Prophet (s): A muslim man gets no greater<br />
<strong>be</strong>nefit after the <strong>be</strong>nefit of Islam than a Muslim wife<br />
who pleases him when he looks at her and o<strong>be</strong>ys<br />
him when he commands her and protects herself and<br />
his wealth when he is absent.
Reason 4: Spiritual Perfection (cont.)<br />
A man comes to Imam Sadiq (a) and the Imam asks<br />
him if he is married. He says no. The Imam tells<br />
him, “My father said that, 'I would not choose<br />
the world and all that is over it over sleep<strong>in</strong>g<br />
one night when not <strong>be</strong><strong>in</strong>g married. A married<br />
sleep<strong>in</strong>g person who prays two rakaats is <strong>be</strong>tter<br />
than a fast<strong>in</strong>g s<strong>in</strong>gle person who spends the<br />
night <strong>in</strong> prayer.'”<br />
From the Prophet (s): A married person who sleeps<br />
is <strong>be</strong>tter <strong>in</strong> the view of God than the s<strong>in</strong>gle<br />
person who spends the nights pray<strong>in</strong>g and the<br />
days fast<strong>in</strong>g.
Reason 5: Self Build<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Hadith: Marry off y<strong>our</strong> s<strong>in</strong>gle<br />
people <strong>be</strong>cause God will <strong>be</strong>tter<br />
their akhlaq, and <strong>in</strong>crease their<br />
rizq and their chivalry.<br />
Deal<strong>in</strong>g with problems that arise<br />
<strong>be</strong>cause of marriage helps one to<br />
mature <strong>in</strong>tellectually and<br />
emotionally
Reason 6: Protection from S<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Accord<strong>in</strong>g to hadith, ½ to 2/3 rd of<br />
of a young person's faith is<br />
protected from the Shaytan with<br />
marriage<br />
From the Prophet (s): Marry, or<br />
else you will <strong>be</strong> among the<br />
s<strong>in</strong>ners. (Bihar al-Anwar, v. 100,<br />
p. 221)
Reason 7: Companionship<br />
• Allah (swt) created us with a lack of<br />
tranquility and placed that tranquility<br />
with<strong>in</strong> <strong>our</strong> spouse<br />
• Imam Ali (a) regard<strong>in</strong>g the rights of a wife<br />
over her husband: Allah (swt) has made<br />
her a means of tranquility, calm, and<br />
companionship.<br />
• Accord<strong>in</strong>g to some lead<strong>in</strong>g scholars, this<br />
is the most important reason!<br />
Misconception: I can f<strong>in</strong>d this companionship<br />
without gett<strong>in</strong>g married!
Reason 8: Forg<strong>in</strong>g Family Ties<br />
Imam al-Rida (a): Even if Allah (swt)<br />
and the Prophet (s) hadn't<br />
commanded us to marriage,<br />
<strong>be</strong>nefits such as the com<strong>in</strong>g<br />
together of relatives and the<br />
formation of new family bonds<br />
would have <strong>be</strong>en sufficient<br />
enc<strong>our</strong>agement... (Mizan al-Hikmah,<br />
v. 2, p. 1178)
Reason 9: Serve God by Serv<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Others<br />
One <strong>goal</strong> of marriage is to “take<br />
each other to paradise”<br />
How Ameer al-Mu'm<strong>in</strong>een (a) and<br />
Sayyida Fatima (a) descri<strong>be</strong>d each<br />
other to the Prophet (s) when he<br />
approached them after their<br />
wedd<strong>in</strong>g
Reason 10: Opportunity to Raise<br />
Children<br />
Prophet (s) takes pride <strong>in</strong> the<br />
children of his ummah<br />
Children <strong>in</strong>crease happ<strong>in</strong>ess <strong>in</strong> <strong>life</strong><br />
After death they can potentially <strong>be</strong><br />
“baaqiyyat saalihaat”<br />
Widespread move towards not<br />
hav<strong>in</strong>g children → erosion of the<br />
family system
Reason 11: Increas<strong>in</strong>g God's<br />
Provisions<br />
Marry off those who are s<strong>in</strong>gle among<br />
you...If they are poor, Allah will enrich them<br />
out of His grace, and Allah is allbounteous,<br />
all-know<strong>in</strong>g. (al-Noor (24), 32)<br />
In many ahadith, people who compla<strong>in</strong><br />
about poverty to the Prophet (s) and Imams<br />
are ordered to marry<br />
From the Prophet (s): Take a spouse as it is<br />
a means of <strong>in</strong>creas<strong>in</strong>g y<strong>our</strong> sustenance.
When am I Ready?<br />
Important factors to consider:<br />
1. Maturity<br />
– Can make important decisions<br />
us<strong>in</strong>g a rational process<br />
– Independence of thought<br />
– Can deal with difficulties<br />
2. F<strong>in</strong>ancial Read<strong>in</strong>ess
When am I Ready? (cont.)<br />
Important factors to consider:<br />
3. Knowledge of what Islam says<br />
about marriage and spouse<br />
selection and rights of husband and<br />
wife<br />
4. Sometimes marriage can <strong>be</strong> wajib!
Benefits of Marry<strong>in</strong>g when Ready and<br />
not Delay<strong>in</strong>g<br />
• Accumulate the spiritual <strong>be</strong>nefits early<br />
• God wants <strong>be</strong>lievers to enjoy this world<br />
<strong>be</strong>tter than others<br />
• Enjoy<strong>in</strong>g oneself accord<strong>in</strong>g to religious<br />
guidel<strong>in</strong>es (without go<strong>in</strong>g to extremes)<br />
can result <strong>in</strong> spiritual growth<br />
• Prevent<strong>in</strong>g fasad (corruption)<br />
– Hadith: One who has the means to<br />
marry off his child but does not, and<br />
a s<strong>in</strong> occurs, he is partner <strong>in</strong> that s<strong>in</strong>.
Common Barriers Prevent<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Marriage On Time<br />
Want to enjoy <strong>life</strong> and have fun<br />
<strong>be</strong>fore cha<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g <strong>our</strong>selves down<br />
We'll get tired of each other!<br />
Young people aren't as mature as<br />
they were <strong>in</strong> the past<br />
Children wouldn't m<strong>in</strong>d, but parents<br />
do!<br />
No money
Responses to Objections<br />
Should we put aside the advice of<br />
the Ahlul Bayt (a)?<br />
naudhu billah!<br />
Instead let's understand the place of<br />
these ahadith <strong>in</strong> the entire corpus of<br />
their teach<strong>in</strong>gs regard<strong>in</strong>g family <strong>life</strong>
Response to Objections (cont.)<br />
Tra<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g <strong>our</strong> children at a younger age to<br />
<strong>be</strong> responsible! A child who is baligh is<br />
an adult <strong>in</strong> the eyes of Allah (swt).<br />
When spouses do their responsibilities<br />
(for example, keep<strong>in</strong>g up the physical<br />
presence and emotional support) love will<br />
only grow with time<br />
Family level and community level<br />
f<strong>in</strong>ancial support
Recommended Matchmak<strong>in</strong>g Cycle<br />
Intention<br />
Tawakkul and Tawassul<br />
Identify Potential Candidates<br />
Investigation<br />
Meet<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Proposal
Recommended 2 rak'at prayer and<br />
du`a<br />
• Imam al-Sadiq (a) to one of his<br />
companions: If you wish to marry,<br />
recite a two rak'at prayer, and then do<br />
hamd of Allah (swt) and then recite the<br />
follow<strong>in</strong>g dua:<br />
اللَّهُمًَّإِوِّيًأُرِيدًُأَنْ ًأَتَسَوَّجًَفَقَدِّرْ ًلِيًمِهَ ًالىِّسَاءًِأَعَفَّهُهَّ ً<br />
فَرْجا ًوًَأَحْ فَظَهُهَّ ًلِيًفِيًوَفْسِهَاًوًَفِيًمَالِيًوًَأَوْ سَعَهُهَّ ً<br />
رِزْ قا ًوًَأَعْظَمَهُهَّ ًبَرَكَت ًوًَقَدِّرْ ًلِيًوَلَدا ًطَيِّبا ًتَجْ عَلُهًُخَلَفا ً<br />
صَالِحا ًفِيًحَيَاتِيًوًَبَعْدًَمَمَاتِي<br />
•
Mean<strong>in</strong>g of the Du`a<br />
In this du`a, the one seek<strong>in</strong>g a spouse will<br />
pray for a chaste and virtuous wife who will<br />
protect herself for him, protect his wealth<br />
and <strong>be</strong> a s<strong>our</strong>ce of rizq and bless<strong>in</strong>g. He also<br />
prays for a righteous posterity <strong>in</strong> this world<br />
and the next.
Recommended Matchmak<strong>in</strong>g Cycle<br />
Intention<br />
Tawakkul and Tawassul<br />
Identify Potential Candidates<br />
Investigation<br />
Meet<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Proposal
Identify<strong>in</strong>g Potential Candidates<br />
Step #1: Identify y<strong>our</strong> needs, and<br />
accord<strong>in</strong>gly which traits the<br />
candidate ought to have.<br />
Divide these <strong>in</strong>to must-have’s and<br />
nice-to-have’s.<br />
Other criteria can <strong>be</strong> added accord<strong>in</strong>g<br />
to personal taste.<br />
All are important not equally weighted<br />
(faith is most important)
Reasonable Expectations<br />
Look<strong>in</strong>g for 100% match is not<br />
feasible. Be picky but not too picky!<br />
If a candidate were already at<br />
100%, there wouldn't <strong>be</strong> room to<br />
grow dur<strong>in</strong>g the marriage!
Objections to this Structured<br />
Approach<br />
Need to see if we love each other<br />
<strong>be</strong>fore committ<strong>in</strong>g!<br />
Many examples of matched<br />
marriages break<strong>in</strong>g, or hold<strong>in</strong>g<br />
together precariously
Why Marriages Fail or Have Problems?<br />
Success is likely but with conditions:<br />
Spouses identified us<strong>in</strong>g Islamic<br />
criteria<br />
Spouses meet <strong>in</strong> Islamic way<br />
Spouses lead married <strong>life</strong> <strong>in</strong> Islamic<br />
way<br />
Most problematic marriages can <strong>be</strong><br />
recovered
The Love Marriage<br />
Can work, but is not recommended<br />
<strong>be</strong>cause:<br />
– Chastity and reputation can easily <strong>be</strong><br />
compromised<br />
– Decisions are made based on emotion<br />
– Statistics <strong>in</strong>dicate high failure rates<br />
– Emotional cost of such failed<br />
relationships is high<br />
– May lead to question<strong>in</strong>g of spouse's<br />
fidelity (especially from the husband)
Love Marriage<br />
From Imam Ali (a):<br />
– Love of the People of the Hereafter lasts<br />
due to the everlast<strong>in</strong>g nature of its<br />
cause.<br />
– Love of the People of this World will<br />
cease to exist due to the transient nature<br />
of its cause.<br />
Love <strong>in</strong> marriage is created by Allah (swt):<br />
...And He places love and compassion<br />
among you... (al-Room (30), 21)
F<strong>in</strong>d<strong>in</strong>g and Be<strong>in</strong>g a W<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g Spouse<br />
(part 2)<br />
Salim S Yusufali<br />
shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010
Ideal Traits / Traits to Inculcate
Traits of an Ideal Spouse<br />
• Why did the Ahlul Bayt (a) emphasize certa<strong>in</strong><br />
traits? They must <strong>be</strong> important and ought to<br />
<strong>be</strong> used to:<br />
– Characteristics to aim at build<strong>in</strong>g /<br />
nurtur<strong>in</strong>g for those who wish to (eventually)<br />
get married<br />
– Compile a list of must-have and nice-tohave<br />
characteristics to <strong>be</strong> found <strong>in</strong> spouse<br />
candidates<br />
– Motivation for those who are already<br />
married and want to improve and have<br />
successful marriages
Recommended Matchmak<strong>in</strong>g Cycle<br />
Intention<br />
Tawakkul, Tawassul, and Self-Build<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Identify Potential Candidates<br />
– Compil<strong>in</strong>g list of must-have and<br />
nice-to-have traits<br />
Investigation<br />
Meet<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Proposal
Compil<strong>in</strong>g the List<br />
• Understand y<strong>our</strong> personality type and y<strong>our</strong><br />
strengths, weaknesses, and future needs from a<br />
spouse<br />
• This process is itself reward<strong>in</strong>g:<br />
– The ignorance of a man with respect to his faults<br />
is among the biggest of s<strong>in</strong>s. Imam Ali (a)<br />
– When Allah the Exalted desires good for a<br />
servant, He disattaches him from the world,<br />
gives him deep <strong>in</strong>sight <strong>in</strong>to the religion, and<br />
shows him his faults. Imam al-Sadiq (a)<br />
• Seek to understand advice from the Ahlul Bayt (a)<br />
<strong>in</strong> this regard
Trait #1: Taqwa<br />
Taqwa = protection = act<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> a way<br />
that one is protect<strong>in</strong>g himself from<br />
turn<strong>in</strong>g away from God and receiv<strong>in</strong>g<br />
His punishment<br />
Taqwa has vary<strong>in</strong>g degrees<br />
Traditions greatly emphasis this trait<br />
– Example: One who marries his noble<br />
daughter to a s<strong>in</strong>ner receives 1000<br />
curses daily.
Importance of Taqwa <strong>in</strong> Marriage<br />
• When home alone and God is not <strong>in</strong> the<br />
picture, many th<strong>in</strong>gs can go wrong.<br />
From Imam Hasan (a): Marry y<strong>our</strong><br />
daughters to a man who has taqwa, for<br />
if he loves her he will honor her, and if<br />
he dislikes her he will not <strong>be</strong> unjust to<br />
her.<br />
• If th<strong>in</strong>gs go s<strong>our</strong>, divorc<strong>in</strong>g someone<br />
with taqwa will <strong>be</strong> considerably<br />
smoother
How to improve one's taqwa<br />
Strengthen<strong>in</strong>g one's creed<br />
– ...Do not marry y<strong>our</strong> daughter to one who<br />
doubts, as the wife will adopt the etiquette<br />
of her husband and he will impose his faith<br />
upon her (Imam al-Sadiq (a), al-Kafi, v.5 p.<br />
34)<br />
Learn<strong>in</strong>g about <strong>our</strong> practical responsibilities<br />
and act<strong>in</strong>g upon them (start<strong>in</strong>g with halal and<br />
haram)
How to improve one's taqwa<br />
• Have a small, regular program of<br />
mustahabaat<br />
• Receive spiritual admonishment at<br />
least once a week
How to improve taqwa (cont.)<br />
Participat<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> congregational<br />
activities<br />
Keep<strong>in</strong>g good company<br />
– From Imam Ali (a): If someone's level<br />
of practice isn't clear to you, see<br />
whom he keeps company with,<br />
religious people or irreligious?<br />
Matters relat<strong>in</strong>g to Chastity and Modesty<br />
to follow
Trait 2: Good akhlaaq<br />
• Reality of akhlaaq : `ilm (knowledge) +<br />
`amal (action)<br />
• Examples of good character that<br />
emanates from a soul illum<strong>in</strong>ated with<br />
Div<strong>in</strong>e light: honesty, contentment,<br />
compassion, friendl<strong>in</strong>ess, pleasantness,<br />
patience, dignity, forgiveness,<br />
thankfulness, amenability, humility,<br />
respectfulness, softness, optimism,<br />
ettiquette
Importance of Akhlaaq <strong>in</strong> Ahadith<br />
• Story of Imam al-Sajjad (a) marry<strong>in</strong>g a<br />
woman based on her excellent <strong>be</strong>havior<br />
• Do not marry [y<strong>our</strong> daughter] to one<br />
who has bad character. (Imam al-<br />
Kadhim)<br />
• The <strong>be</strong>st of y<strong>our</strong> women is she who,<br />
when she is angry or angered, she tells<br />
her husband...”I will not sleep until you<br />
are happy with me.” (Imam al-Sadiq,<br />
man la yahdur)
Importance of Good Character <strong>in</strong><br />
Marriage<br />
• Particularly important <strong>in</strong> times of<br />
difficulty<br />
• Crucial to keep marriage<br />
successful. Examples:<br />
– Wife prepar<strong>in</strong>g herself for her<br />
husband every day<br />
– Husband mak<strong>in</strong>g compliments and<br />
demonstrat<strong>in</strong>g love every day
Means of Improv<strong>in</strong>g Akhlaaq<br />
• Keep company with one who is honest and<br />
righteous, can <strong>in</strong>fluence positive <strong>be</strong>havior and<br />
whom can <strong>be</strong> asked to po<strong>in</strong>t out faults<br />
• From Imam Ali: One's enemies can <strong>be</strong> more useful<br />
than his brethren for the enemies gift him with his<br />
faults.<br />
• Observe faults <strong>in</strong> others and strive to eradicate<br />
them from one's self<br />
• Muraqabah (self-awareness) and Muhasabah (selfaccount<strong>in</strong>g)<br />
← Particularly emphasized by the<br />
Ahlul Bayt<br />
• Tak<strong>in</strong>g a qualified mentor
Trait #3: Compatibility<br />
From the Prophet (s):<br />
– Marry those who are compatible<br />
matches (al-akfaa').<br />
Most important aspect of compatibility<br />
– Similar level of faith (Islam + shi`a) and<br />
character.<br />
Believers are the compatible matches of<br />
other <strong>be</strong>lievers.<br />
Marry a suitor whose practice of religion and<br />
trustworth<strong>in</strong>ess please you, whoever he<br />
may <strong>be</strong>.
Other factor that will make marriage<br />
go smoother<br />
• Similar background<br />
• Similar <strong>in</strong>come bracket<br />
• Similar societal status<br />
• Intellectual compatibility<br />
• Family compatibility<br />
• Ideal age gap: 3-7 years (Gulbarg,<br />
Dehnavi p. 37)<br />
Couple (and <strong>in</strong> some cases their families)<br />
will need flexible personalities and<br />
sophistication if these are not <strong>in</strong> place.
Trait #4: Good Family<br />
• Mean<strong>in</strong>g a family known for its<br />
religiousness, etiquette, noble character<br />
• The Prophet (s): Avoid … the <strong>be</strong>autiful<br />
woman who grows up <strong>in</strong> a corrupt<br />
environment.<br />
• The Prophet (s): The <strong>be</strong>st of y<strong>our</strong> women<br />
is she....who is respected <strong>in</strong> her family.<br />
• Com<strong>in</strong>g from a good family is good but<br />
not a hard and fast rule<br />
• Good families can <strong>be</strong> created
Trait #5: Chastity<br />
• From the du`a: O Allah grant me<br />
the most chaste among them.<br />
• Encompasses:<br />
– Hijab<br />
– Limited mix<strong>in</strong>g of genders<br />
– Modest <strong>in</strong>teraction, language, and<br />
body language<br />
– Keep<strong>in</strong>g appropriate company
More about Chastity<br />
• Should <strong>be</strong> <strong>in</strong> place <strong>be</strong>fore and after marriage<br />
– Couples will try harder to satisfy each<br />
other's physical and emotional needs<br />
– Husband will take more pleasure out of his<br />
wife → stronger love → more care and<br />
reciprocal love<br />
• Need to re-evaluate ties and <strong>be</strong>havior with<br />
non-mahrams<br />
• Different than <strong>be</strong><strong>in</strong>g suspicious! We need to<br />
suspect <strong>our</strong>selves more than other party.<br />
• Not <strong>be</strong><strong>in</strong>g “friends” is different than <strong>be</strong><strong>in</strong>g<br />
unfriendly
Traits #6 and #7: Responsibility &<br />
Good Plann<strong>in</strong>g Skills<br />
• Hadith: The <strong>be</strong>st of men is he who takes care<br />
of his wife so that she doesn't have to rely on<br />
others.<br />
• Women tend to f<strong>in</strong>d these traits a s<strong>our</strong>ce of<br />
attractiveness <strong>in</strong> men<br />
• How can these traits <strong>be</strong> measured?<br />
– Tak<strong>in</strong>g care of parents / sibl<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
– Is he hard-work<strong>in</strong>g?<br />
– How does he manage his money?<br />
– Does he make impetuous decisions that<br />
he later regrets?
Trait #8: Good Looks<br />
• Physical attractiveness is particularly<br />
important for man to see <strong>in</strong> woman and<br />
<strong>should</strong> not <strong>be</strong> ignored<br />
• Also <strong>should</strong>n't <strong>be</strong> the only criterion<br />
From a hadith: A wife <strong>should</strong> <strong>be</strong> religious<br />
(جمالء) and <strong>be</strong>autiful (ذات الدين)<br />
• True <strong>be</strong>auty is on the <strong>in</strong>side and<br />
outside. Eventually <strong>in</strong>ner <strong>be</strong>auty (taqwa,<br />
akhlaaq, ilm) outsh<strong>in</strong>es outer <strong>be</strong>auty
Practical Tips Regard<strong>in</strong>g Good Looks<br />
• Extreme <strong>be</strong>auty can lead to arrogance<br />
– Can <strong>be</strong> addressed <strong>in</strong> upbr<strong>in</strong>g<strong>in</strong>g<br />
and self-buld<strong>in</strong>g<br />
• Be<strong>in</strong>g attractive is work<strong>in</strong>g with what<br />
you have<br />
• Regular exercise rout<strong>in</strong>e (without go<strong>in</strong>g<br />
to the extremes) and observ<strong>in</strong>g Islamic<br />
dietary guidel<strong>in</strong>es is necessary for<br />
personal and marriage development
More Practical Tips<br />
• Good character, faith, optimism,<br />
speak<strong>in</strong>g well, smil<strong>in</strong>g appropriately,<br />
humility, groom<strong>in</strong>g and hygiene all<br />
lend to outer <strong>be</strong>auty<br />
• Community emphasis on championship<br />
sports<br />
• Husbands <strong>should</strong> buy their wives those<br />
th<strong>in</strong>gs they need <strong>in</strong> order to make<br />
themselves <strong>be</strong>autiful at home
Recommended Matchmak<strong>in</strong>g Cycle<br />
Intention<br />
Tawakkul, Tawassul, and Self-Build<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Identify Potential Candidates<br />
– Compil<strong>in</strong>g list of must-have and nice-tohave<br />
traits<br />
– Us<strong>in</strong>g list to f<strong>in</strong>d potential spouse matches<br />
Investigation<br />
Meet<strong>in</strong>g(s)<br />
Investigation<br />
Proposal
Identify<strong>in</strong>g Potential Candidates<br />
• The boy / girl seek<strong>in</strong>g to get married may rely<br />
on a “champion” or a few “champions” who<br />
are trusted <strong>in</strong>dividuals (perhaps <strong>in</strong> the form of<br />
community matchmakers)<br />
– Parents' buy-<strong>in</strong> is very important<br />
• The champion's job is to f<strong>in</strong>d potential<br />
candidates based on the criteria and detailed<br />
<strong>in</strong>formation about the boy / girl<br />
• Start look<strong>in</strong>g locally and then branch out if<br />
necessary<br />
– Don't feel shy about us<strong>in</strong>g matchmakers
Recommended Matchmak<strong>in</strong>g Cycle<br />
Intention<br />
Tawakkul and Tawassul<br />
Identify Potential Candidates<br />
Investigation<br />
Meet<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
Investigation<br />
Proposal
Importance of Investigat<strong>in</strong>g the<br />
From the Prophet (s):<br />
Traits of a Candidate<br />
Marriage is like slavery. So if one of you<br />
marries off his daughter, he has given her<br />
to slavery. So look carefully at whom you<br />
marry y<strong>our</strong> noble daughter to.<br />
From Imam al-Sadiq (a): Women are a<br />
necklace so look carefully to ensure you get<br />
the right one.<br />
Accord<strong>in</strong>g to one expert, marriage is the<br />
most important event <strong>in</strong> y<strong>our</strong> <strong>life</strong>. (Dehnavi,<br />
p. 31)
Investigation<br />
Applies to both males and females<br />
• Talk to those who know the candidate <strong>in</strong>depth<br />
• Reveal<strong>in</strong>g negative <strong>in</strong>formation <strong>in</strong> this<br />
situation is not backbit<strong>in</strong>g!<br />
• <strong>What</strong> about that part we can't f<strong>in</strong>d out?<br />
– Have to do <strong>our</strong> duty. From Imam al-Sadiq<br />
(a): Whoever acts upon what he knows, Allah<br />
(swt) shall take care of him with respect to<br />
what he does not know<br />
• Investigation will take place even after meet<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
are completed to clear up any issues that arose
Common Reasons for Not<br />
Investigat<strong>in</strong>g Properly<br />
• Putt<strong>in</strong>g full trust <strong>in</strong> one person who knows<br />
both parties<br />
• “I know his father and his father's father...”<br />
• Not know<strong>in</strong>g whom to talk to<br />
• Mis<strong>in</strong>terpret<strong>in</strong>g the hadith: If a suitor comes<br />
to you whose character and religion please<br />
you then marry [y<strong>our</strong> daughter] to him or else<br />
there will <strong>be</strong> turmoil on the earth and great<br />
corruption.<br />
• False sense of tawakkul<br />
• False understand<strong>in</strong>g of istikharah
<strong>What</strong> to Investigate<br />
• Family<br />
• Friends<br />
• Leadership Qualities<br />
• How Well Promises are Kept<br />
• Level of Honesty
Recommended Matchmak<strong>in</strong>g Cycle<br />
Intention<br />
Tawakkul and Tawassul<br />
Identify Potential Candidates<br />
Investigation<br />
Meet<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Proposal
Meet<strong>in</strong>g Potential Candidates<br />
Look<strong>in</strong>g at picture<br />
Rules<br />
Can <strong>be</strong> alone <strong>in</strong> a room together as long as<br />
• Others can easily enter <strong>in</strong> upon conversation<br />
• No fear of fall<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong>to s<strong>in</strong><br />
Look<strong>in</strong>g (for a man)<br />
• Without <strong>in</strong>tention of lust (though lust will naturally<br />
follow)<br />
• In order to determ<strong>in</strong>e her physical appearance (if<br />
you already know, can’t look)<br />
• No barrier prevent<strong>in</strong>g marriage (for example she<br />
<strong>should</strong>n’t already <strong>be</strong> married)<br />
• Possibility of proposal <strong>be</strong><strong>in</strong>g accepted
Meet<strong>in</strong>g Potential Candidates<br />
<strong>What</strong> to discuss<br />
Try to send questions from <strong>be</strong>forehand<br />
Write down quotes for later observation<br />
How many times can we meet <strong>be</strong>fore<br />
decid<strong>in</strong>g?<br />
How close can you get without <strong>be</strong><strong>in</strong>g<br />
married?<br />
The fun <strong>in</strong> marriage is gett<strong>in</strong>g to know<br />
each other!
<strong>What</strong> to Discuss<br />
• Casual Conversation<br />
• Beliefs<br />
• Practice (for example, taqlid)<br />
• Socializ<strong>in</strong>g<br />
• Life histories<br />
• Expectations of Future<br />
• Liv<strong>in</strong>g alone or with family<br />
• Rais<strong>in</strong>g children<br />
• Education / work plans
How to decide<br />
Us<strong>in</strong>g y<strong>our</strong> <strong>in</strong>tellect<br />
Seek<strong>in</strong>g advice from wise people<br />
Tak<strong>in</strong>g istikhara<br />
Tawakkul and Tawassul<br />
Do we need to “like” each other<br />
<strong>be</strong>fore say<strong>in</strong>g yes?<br />
How sure do I need to <strong>be</strong>?
From Culture<br />
Need to wait for older sibl<strong>in</strong>gs to get married<br />
Education is more important than gett<strong>in</strong>g<br />
married<br />
Sayyids can only marry sayyids<br />
Mut’ah is scandalous<br />
Can’t <strong>in</strong>teract with “fiancee” after nikah is recited<br />
<strong>be</strong>fore “rukhsatee”<br />
I liked him/her, but the istikhara came out<br />
badly…<br />
Culture of expensive wedd<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
But not all culture is bad…