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18 The Mind of Momma Pham by: Ian Pham Editor in Chief Behind every man is his momma, sculpting and shaping him into a fine human being worthy of being squeezed out of her womb. I have a great mother. She means well, very nice and is a sweet little lady. However, I do think the Vietnamese culture has had an immense effect on her ability to rationalize and use logic throughout the daily rigors of Canadian life. She has some very odd reasoning and behaviour when it comes to things she’s not quite familiar with. Technology: I’m on my computer most of the time, as I am a “computer” guy. My room is also quite small, and so when I’m on the computer for the night, it gets quite stuffy. Now, a normal person would say something like, “Let me open your window and get you some fresh air.” Momma Pham is anything but normal. She would say—scratch that, she would yell, “TOO MACH COMPUTER!! I OPEN YOUR WEENDO FOR RADIATION FLY OUT…” According to my mom, radiation hovers in the air like dust particles, waiting for somebody to give it an opening so that it may release itself to the outside world – like a cat. Health/Career Advice: First of all, I must say this is one of the weirdest pieces of advice Momma Pham has given me. My lips are sometimes chapped, due to not abiding by the unrealistic recommendation of drinking 8 glasses of water a day (8 glasses??? Come on, I’m not a camel.). When Momma Pham sees her baby boy in such an appalling condition, she exclaims, “SON!!! YOU HAF TO DRING A WADUR!! OR YOU NOT GET A GOOD JOB AND YOU MAYBE GET CANGSA (cancer)!!!” At this point I just give her the most confused look possible, as though she’s just told me that purple Jazzercising elephants were the cause of the fall of the Berlin Wall. “How in the HOLY HELL does not drinking water cause me to have a shitty job and get cancer???” I asked. This was her response: “SON…YOU TOO YOUNG…I TELL YOU….YOU DONG DRING A WADUR…YOU GET A DRY LIPS…. IF YOU GET A DRY LIPS…NOBODY HIRE YOU FOR JOB…BECAUSE THEY NOT LYE THE MAN WIT THE DRY LIP…AND IF YOU NOT HAVE JOB..YOU HAVE TO LIVE ON STREET…AND ISS SO COLD AND DIRTY…MAKE YOU GET CANGSA.” Artists Rendition: Ian’s Mother It’s not like she’s exaggerating, she firmly believes these are the events that will transpire when one does not drink enough water. And there’s no point arguing with her. Ordering Food: As you can already tell, Momma Pham has her own brand of the pronunciation of English words. Here are some more: We say it: “Hamburger” She says it: “Hambugga” We say it: “Ginger ale” She says it: “Jeenja aaeeoww” We say it: “Fried Rice” She says it: “Fry Rye” It’s real embarrassing sometimes when she orders food at McDonalds because she doesn’t read the menu at all. She just knows that she likes chicken. This is how it goes down: McDonalds guy: Hello maam, how may I help you? Momma: Ammmmm I wood lye a hambugga please McDonalds guy: ..OK..what kind of hamburger would you like? Momma: Amm...I wan cheecken. McDonalds guy: You mean the McChicken? Momma: Does it have cheecken insye? McDonalds guy: Yes Momma: OK I wan 2 cheecken hambugga McDonalds guy: Chicken hamburgers? or you want the McChicken? or the McGrill or …what? Momma: Yes I lye cheecken please :) McDonalds guy: …. Momma: And friend fry too! Now I don’t write this to bash my mother, I write it so that I may tell the world of the unique mannerisms of such a wonderful lady. All of our mommas have some weird ass trait in them, whether it be smothering you with affection, being overprotective, or being incredibly nosy – Momma Pham just thinks things like you can lose weight by eating pickles, that’s all. Feel free to profess your love for your momma to Ian at ihp@sfu.ca July 2007
19 fun stuff SUDOKU Sudoku is a logic-based placement puzzle. The aim of the puzzle is to enter a numerical digit from 1 through 9 in each cell of a 9×9 grid made up of 3×3 subgrids (called “regions”), starting with various digits given in some cells (the “givens”); each row, column, and region must contain only one instance of each numeral. -Wikipedia Try to get the solution in the least amount of time! Difficulty this month: Medium Answer below: Start here Once You Go Brown, You Get Preggers Brought to you by Steamed Carrot Comics! www.steamedcarrot.com July 2007
Page 2 and 3: Columns Club Articles Table of Cont
Page 4 and 5: 4 Some Adventuresome SMAers by: Lov
Page 6 and 7: Learn more: www.becomea.ca www.casb
Page 8 and 9: 8 Four Stereotypes You’ll Encount
Page 11 and 12: Random Reviews on Random Things by:
Page 13 and 14: Battle of the Clubs by: Shyla Chand
Page 15 and 16: Alumnus Advice: Burning Bridges Is
Page 17: I WANT YOU FOR THE BUZZ INTERESTED

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