1067-Metropolis

Operation
Overlord
IF GOOGLE IS GOD,
WHY CAN’T HE HEAR
ME IN TOKYO?
WANT
TO HAVE
THE LAST
WORD?
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editor@metropolis.co.jp
BY TANA PHILLIPS
Google is God. That’s how I felt when I
first moved to Japan. Dropped my keys
somewhere in a grocery store; the translation
app helped me explain my panic
to the staff. Those personnel—who moments
before had been staring at my
red-faced pantomiming, completely bewildered—suddenly
and amazingly were
now down on their hands and knees
looking under stalls. They found my keys,
by the way, and I said thank you exactly
the way Google told me to. Trying to
make dinner and unsure of what exactly
that vegetable was, I typed “hairy potato”
into Google and learned everything
there was to know about the taro root. My
smartphone keeps Google perpetually
nearby, exactly where I need “him.”
Then, of course, you have Google
Maps, a feature so necessary for survival
that even Apple tried—and failed—to
rip it off. Google, with their Street View
teams cruising around in cars with
360-degree capable cameras mounted
to the roofs and trekkers with backpackmounted
cameras, can take you almost
anywhere in the world. Want to explore
the White House, Versailles or the Louvre?
No need to throw clothes over those
holey underwear of yours; just take a
the last word
Google-sponsored tour. Want to see
the Great Barrier Reef but are deathly
afraid of water and/or sharks? Check it
out on Google Earth and stay 100 percent
dry and nibble-free. Want to climb Mt.
Fuji but have no idea how
you’re going to haul yourself
up an enormous mountain?
Google already did it, and
you can see the entire climb
and steal enough pictures
to thoroughly convince your
friends you actually went.
Google is God. So why,
oh why, can it not figure out
the streets of Tokyo?
On my way to a Ginza office
building this weekend,
I walked out of the closest
recommended metro exit. I immediately
pulled up Google to see how far away
and in what direction the office was. Sixteen
minutes by car? What had I done
wrong? I switched the app to walking
directions; one minute away. The building
was literally across the street from
where I stood. I know what you’re thinking:
I tried to make excuses for Him, too.
But there were no one-way streets, no
traffic or construction to contend with.
Illustration by Christi Rochin
Google just momentarily went insane.
There was the time Google tried to
convince me the Robot Restaurant was in
the middle of a large store. And the much
more aggravating time I told Google to
take me to one of my saved pins—my
home—and instead it took me several kilometers
in the opposite direction. It then
stubbornly repeated that I had “arrived”
while I sat in the parking lot of a Family
Mart trying to reprogram it. I understand
these are all pretty harmless problems,
and probably common in other cities and
countries around the world, but Tokyo
poses its own unique set of challenges
for Google.
There’s nothing more frustrating than
driving into a tunnel with multiple branches,
exits and general feats of deranged
engineering than to have your guide
decide that instead of driving in a tunnel,
you’re floating around in Tokyo Bay
or perhaps sitting in the cosmetics department
of a nearby department store.
How about when you’re traveling on the
freeway? Even though you’ve been using
Google the entire time and not deviated
from its instructions, thereby leading you
to believe that it should have a pretty
firm handle on your location,
it suddenly decides
you’ve transported yourself,
Portal-style, through
THERE WAS
THE TIME
GOOGLE TRIED
TO CONVINCE
ME THE ROBOT
RESTAURANT
WAS IN THE
MIDDLE OF A
LARGE STORE.”
the concrete and steel to
Roppongi dori below. It
then insists you make
a turn at the next intersection,
which, if you attempt
it, would send you
hurtling into someone’s
fourth floor apartment.
As with most believers,
I simply pray to my
benevolent and omnipotent Google—
thanking it for the gifts it has already
bestowed— asking ... no, demanding
more and better gifts.
And until then, I will continue to remind
myself: this God works in mysterious
ways.
■ Tana Phillips blogs about her
(mis)adventures in Japan and her far more
harrowing adventures raising four kids at
japanicked.com
The views expressed in “The Last Word” are those of the authors alone and do not necessarily reflect the position or
opinions of Japan Partnership Co. Ltd. or its partners and sponsors.
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34