BRANCHES May 2013

Sharing
Parents of youth in a candid discussion
identitystruggles
Chad Townsley: So the heart of the article, what I
had in mind, is talking about the idea of identity—
how it is that our students, your children, the
students that you work with, struggle with finding
their identity—in a world that has lots of things to
say about who it is that our students are. But, what
I want to start with first though, is a more broad
question: If you had to make a list of the top five
things that you feel like our students struggle
with, what would some of those things be?
Brock Warner: Not living dual lives. So, a
Christian kid here and then a different life at
school or soccer or whatever.
Steve Williams: One thing they struggle with
is confidence in themselves—trying too hard to
perform.
Chad: What kind of social pressures are upon
them? What is it that fuels their insecurities?
Carrie Jakab: I have girls, so it’s looks and clothes
that they wear, shoes, and the car they drive. All of
the tangible things.
Chad: What are the lies that our students believe
in regards to their identity? What is it that forms
who it is that they think they are? How do they
arrive at the conclusion of who it is that they
believe that they are?
Steve Jakab: I remember one of the things we
did for the boys just in this last session or semester
was about identity, and a lot of it had to do with
what’s showing up on television. You’ve got to be
this strong, muscular guy. You’ve got to be tall.
You’ve got to dress well. Just everything that the
media is kind of building you up like you’ve got
to be this certain thing...it’s so unreal.
Carrie: I think the media puts a lot of pressure
that you have to be a certain way or look a
certain way, and we were trying to show them
that you’ve got to be confident in who you are in
Christ, not what television shows you. I know just
hearing my girls talk about “the cool crowd,” I
think that shapes how they think about what the
next step is for them. Is it trying to get in there?
Or is it having confidence in them to not be part
of that cool crowd?
Brock: It’s really got to get into their hearts,
and obviously that’s God’s job, Christ’s job, and
our job to put them in a covenant world that
creates that type of truth for them to live in. So
many times I forget that their hearts are prone
to wander, and I want it to be something else
that made them wander, and maybe all I did was
encourage them to.
Chad: What keeps our students from believing
that they are sons and daughters of the King?
Cathy Mayer: Keeping up with the Kardashians,
America’s Next Top Model, Real Housewives,
The Bachelor. Those are someone-that-lives-inour-house’s
favorite shows.
George Mayer: It’s me. Ha!
Scott Pell: As a dad of a middle school boy, it’s
very interesting the dynamic that boys have on
each other. We can instill confidence in our kids.
They can be good at whatever they put their
minds to. But, it takes five seconds for his peers to
tear each other down to nothing. They base their
opinion of themselves on how people treat them.
Brock: Yeah, it’s funny too, but as we’re talking, I
just keep thinking over and over, “This is just like
me.” We need the youth ministry to remind them
“Because as a parent, I forget. I forget that I’m a son.”
of their identity constantly. Because as a parent, I
forget. I forget that I’m a son.
George: We have to remind our kids and speak
the truths into their ears every day. And the
struggle is that as they get older, you don’t get
much time with them... and it just doesn’t get any
easier.
Brock: No, it doesn’t because they go to college.
And that’s what we’re seeing in our girls. It’s not
this worry of “are they wandering right now?”
We were talking the other day about just some of
their struggles. “What am I doing? Am I wasting
my time? I can’t figure anything out. Everyone’s
got their world. Everyone’s got their life intact.”
Clearly, we know that’s a lie, but I said, “I think
part of it is because they’re not—at least for our
girls—they’re not actively maybe pursuing the
things that would remind them of who they are.
They’re so wrapped up in school and grades and
10 MAY 2013 | SOUTHWOOD.ORG