mag 1210.pdf - Holybourne

‘Allo ‘Allo! This is Westminster calling!
The ink was hardly dry on the
pre-nuptial contract between
the Prime Minister, “Call me
Dave”, and Nick Clegg when
the PM got involved in a liaison
with the French! He had been
sweet-talked by Nicholas
Sarkosy inviting ‘Daveed’ to
share his hardware in future
military operations. “You can
land your planes on my aircraft
carrier if I can land mine on
yours”. “Yes, great!” says clever Dave, knowing full well
that he won’t have an aircraft carrier for the next few
years and, indeed, if his lawyers can find any loopholes
in the damned penalty clauses in the contracts for the
new carriers, he won’t have any in the future either.
Sacre bleu!
As another part of the treaty there is also the agreed intent
to develop Anglo-French unmanned aerial drones. Oui, oui,
C’est magnifique! Now, Nicholas’ English is not too good
and Dave’s French is not that hot – so both were in the
hands of the interpreter when it came to translating ‘drone’
into French. ‘Drone’ is a funny word and not one of those
words in use in everyday language – so was the interpreter
knowledgeable about such matters? Did Nicholas think,
perhaps, that the interpreter was simply complaining about
the Brits going on and on about some detail or other? For
all we know Nicholas had agreed a mission to the Moon to
establish finally whether it is made of Brie or Wensleydale!
Then there’s the creation of a force of 5000 men as rapid
deployment troops. But hang on a minute, it can’t be that
rapid. By the time we get 2500 of our boys across there on
the Normandy Ferry, the crisis could well be over – and
that’s assuming the French farmers haven’t blockaded the
ports over increasing the pension age by a few months.
Britsh soldiers will learn French (deux biers, garcon!) and
French soldiers will study English (No! Its not La Manche,
it’s the ENGLISH Channel! How many times do I have to tell
you?) Furthermore, Britsh troops may come under the
direction of a French General (Non! Droite, gauche, droite,
gauche,droite. Merde!)
Surely, all of this is stretching ‘Entente cordiale’ to its limit.
Otherwise before you know it, ‘Daveed’ will be telling us we
are going to start driving on the right and that the National
Anthem is to be sung as “Dieu protégé la reine” in future.
O.K. so let’s forget Agincourt, let’s forget Waterloo, but let’s
not forget that whilst they have Carla Bruni, we have the
battleship Ann Widdecombe, and we can set her on any foe
with confidence. Now, that’s what you call a deterrent!
B. Lawrence
The Royal InQUIZition
1. In which year was our present Queen married?
2. Who is the only child of the Queen not to have been divorced?
3. Who were the only wives of Henry VIII to have outlived him?
4. Who took Charles and Diana’s official engagement photos?
5. Who was the youngest royal bride, aged 6, who married Richard II in 1396?
6. Whose wife is known as ‘Princess Pushy’?
7. Which king is known as the ‘Hammer of the Scots’?
8. To which queen is Spenser’s poem ‘The Faerie Queen’ dedicated?
9. Who is the 1st. female in succession to the British Throne?
10. On which programme did Diana say her marriage had been ‘a bit crowded’?
11. What is Prince William’s fourth Christian name?
12. According to accepted belief, which king was ordered to be murdered by his wife and her lover?
13. In whose reign were the American Colonies lost?
14. Who was the first king of the Tudors?
15. Which royal in-law was nick-named ‘Fog’?
16. Who was the wife of Edward VII?
17. In which historic building is the shrine of Edward the Confessor?
18. Which British queen had 9 children and 42 grandchildren?
19. ‘Mrs. Morley’ was the pen name of which queen?
20. On which island will William and Kate start their married life?
Answers on page 30
Royal rating:
18 – 20: Should be knighted
15 – 17: Should be invited to the wedding
11 – 14: Should spend a day with Paul Burrell
6 – 10: Should spend a week with Paul Burrell
0 – 5: Off to the Tower!
The Holybourne Village Magazine - Winter Issue 2010
Page 25