The Troubleshooters,' by Wang Shuo

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24 CHINESE EDUCATION AND SOCIETY MAN: Even more boring. Yu GUAN: Go to the park to row a boat? Or go to a movie? MAN: Progressively more boring. You have the same vulgar habits as all the others. Yu GUAN: Well, why don’t you suggest something that we can do? Whatever you suggest I’ll be right there beside you, keeping you company. MAN: Will you join me in jumping off a building? Why do I need your company, anyway? Besides, you’re no woman. Yu GUAN: Nope, you can’t meet hookers here at this company. If you have too much time on your hands you should practice calligraphy, become a connoisseur of music, or maybe do volunteer work. MAN: You can go to hell! I can’t imagine why two dimes are charged for such poor ideas! Are you trying to cheat me? Yu GUAN: Look, I’m no superman, nor am I the visa officer at the American Embassy. To acquire a fortune requires the cultivation of civilized behavior. Just relax. MAN stares intently at Yu GUAN with glittering eyes. hh~: Do you think your life has any meaning? Yu GUAN: Yes, it does; it has a lot of meaning. MAN: Well, I believe you’re boring, terribly boring, so boring that I can’t even be bothered to contradict you. 12 AN UPSCALE BAR / INTERIOR / DAY YANG ZHONG is smoking, creating smoke rings with each exhalation, staring at the ceiling. YANG ZHONG: Life, after all, is just life. It’s like playing soccer: A group of players are running back and forth on the field. No one can shoot a goal, but they try their best to score. Why? Because the audience is cheering and encouraging
JANUARYREBRVARY 1998 25 them to win. Life is like that: Running back and forth to hear the cheers. LIU MEJPING is spellbound by this talk; her chin is cupped in her hands, and she is so absorbed by the talk that she forgets to eat her yogurt. LIU MEJPING: I believe you to be terribly profound. Do you like to ponder? YANG ZHONG: (His eyes, dull and glassy) Sure, I like to have deep, profound thoughts. LIU MEIPING: Have you ever been to college? YANG ZHONG: Me? Well, kinda-sorta. LIU MEIPING: No wonder. College grads are all burdened with anxiety, the result of constantly thinking deep thoughts. YANG ZHONG: Do you also enjoy having deep thoughts? LIU MEIPING: Yeah. Well, I like to fantasize, and I am a dedicated people watcher. My job involves a lot of public contact, so I talk to several thousand people each day. That gives me a great opportunity to observe their characteristics. For example, I’ve noticed that a fat man will generally prefer to buy a large hanky, and will have a lot of snot. The thin man will generally buy a smaller one. YANG ZHONG: Do you think there’s a correlation between body weight and body fluids? LIU MEIPING: Oh, absolutely. What on earth doesn’t have a relationship with something else? If we were to trace your genealogy you might find you have a blood connection with this yogurt bottle. Let’s say, for example, that one of your ancestors died and had his ashes spread over a field, which were then in turn mixed with clay, then later dug out to produce porcelain or glass bottles, one of which, in turn, was filled with yogurt and served to you! YANG ZHONG: This is the most remarkably naive dialectic I’ve ever heard. LIU MEJPING: I don’t know if it is or not, but I do know that everything that has happened has its reason. Someone once wrote a dissertation of several thousand words about sneezing, and earned a doctorate for his trouble. YANG ZHONG: True. The dissertation was passed around at my school, but it wasn’t about something as nonscientific as sneezing; it was about a “fierce,
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