January Nightlife - Nightwire Magazine

CONTENTS AND STAFF
Contents
Page 4 Business
Pages 6-7 Wine & Brew
Pages 8-9 Dining
Page 10-12 Night Tech
Page 14 Music
Page 15 Travel
Page 16 NightLife
Page 17 Theater - Vagina Monologues
Page 18 Theater - Sweeney Todd
Pages 20-38 Humor
Page 39 Classifieds
Staff
Publisher: Joyce Campisi
Editor-in-Chief: Joyce Campisi
Executive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, III
Production Manager: Rob Hoffman
Photographer: Craig Heinauer, Trish
Imbrogno
Graphic Designer: Donnie Garber
Dennis Kostley
Administrative Assistant: Tammie Miller
Feature Writers: Suz Pisano, Paul E. Kimble,
Trish Imbrogno,Christopher Harper,
David Mayle
Contributing Writers: Bill Mace
Jean Mace, Dottie Wilhelm,
Lori Hon, Boris Pekol, Michelle Maggio
Webmaster: Benjamin Auman
Cover Photography: Courtesy of Zambelli
Inernational Fireworks
Nightwire
622 Second Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA. 15219
Phone: 412-755-1055 • Fax: 412-755-1056
editor@nightwire.net/www.nightwire.net
Copyright ®, SX publications, Nightwire. All rights reserved. SX Publications, Nightwire owns the copyrights of the photographs and contents of this publication. No part of this
publication may be reproduced, modified, retransmitted or published in any part of copyrighted material without the expressed written permission of the publisher. The articles
and editorials are meant for entertainment purposes only, and do not necessarily represent opinions of SX Publications, Nightwire, they are those of the writers and advertisers
and may not necessarily represent those of SX Publications, Nightwire. SX Publications, Nightwire in no way offers any recommendations, endorsements or guarantees of any
kind with regard to any service, product or person in any way for the actions ensuing from advertising. This publication contains elements adult in nature and may not be suitable
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photos submitted by advertisers and photography supplied by advertisers or vendors without a release from the model(s). SX Publications, Nightwire will assume no liability for
misprints, typos, ad print quality, ad placement or incorrect ad copy.
2 • January 2008

Letter from the Editor…
Wow, what a year it has been! I am very proud to tell you
that Nightwire is 100% green. Yes, we are 100% recyclable
and printed with soy ink because we care about our
environment! Nightwire street boxes were seen in the miniseries
The Kill Point. It was quite an honor to have been
chosen as set decoration outside the bank and to have our
magazines in the diner. My how we have grown in the past
year…. Currently we have increased our circulation, adding
more street boxes and individual distribution sites. We are
extremely proud of maintaining a 99.9% pickup rate. We know
that 3 days after our magazine “hits the streets” we’re nearly
impossible to find. Our readers are awesome! We are also
proud of sending out over 350 subscriptions all over the
country. Former Pittsburger’s write to me all of the time and
miss the magazine in their new locations. I rarely get a check
for a subscription without a note of appreciation. Thank you
loyal readers!! Don’t forget to visit our website at
www.nightwire.net if you can’t find a copy, there you will find
our entire magazine online each and every month along with
past issues for your viewing pleasure.
During the past year, some of you have called and written to
express your displeasure with some of our jokes. I would like
you to know, that none of our humor is ever meant to offend
anyone. Ever. I would like to take this opportunity to clarify the
Nightwire mission statement…. We are after all, adult humor
without being vulgar and crude. We just want to make you
laugh, lighten and brighten your day!
Jokes people! I personally feel that we all need to look
within and laugh at ourselves (or people around us!)
Humor is the best medicine as I have learned from
those of you that took the time to call, write or email
and let me know just how much you enjoy our
publication.
As we move forward into the New Year, as always I
welcome your comments, suggestions and critiques.
Please feel free to call.... 412-755-1055, email at
www.nightwire.net or snail mail us your thoughts or
comments to 622 Second Avenue, Suite 500,
Pittsburgh, PA 15219. I will personally respond to
every one of you as I truly respect and value your
opinions. If you have a joke you would like to share
please send it to me, if we publish it, we’ll credit your
efforts. If you have something that you would like to
see us cover or added to our publication, tell us that
also. We look forward to hearing from you…..
From all of us at Nightwire, we wish you and yours
a very Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2008 and
extend our personal and heartfelt “Thanks” to our
advertisers, readers & over 350 subscribers who
make this publication possible. We couldn’t do it
without you. Thanks you for making Nightwire so
successful!
Joyce Campisi
Editor/Publisher
Nightwire
NOTEBOOK
January 2008 • 3

BUSINESS
Innovate or Fail
By: Paul E. Kimble
Our closest star, the Sun, sits in the sky
approximately 93 million miles from Earth. Light from
the Sun takes 8 minutes to reach us. So, when you put
on your sunglasses, you’re shielding your eyes from
something that actually occurred in the past. Likewise,
activities going on in your business today are the result
of actions and decisions you made days, weeks or even
months ago. Managing day-to-day is managing in the
past. To stay ahead in today’s fast-paced world,
entrepreneurs must innovate.
What is innovation? Survey 100 people and you
might get 100 different answers. Type innovation into
your favorite internet search engine and you’ll see
hundreds of “hits.” According to Peter Drucker, in his
book Innovation and
Entrepreneurship, “Innovation is
the specific instrument of
entrepreneurship... the act that
endows resources with a new
capacity to create wealth.”
You might be thinking,
“Sounds great; now how do I go
about it?” Glad you asked. First,
establish situational awareness.
You must assess your own
business, take a look at your
competitors and determine where
you stand in your industry. Do
you have an established mechanism for listening to your
customers? How do you communicate with your
suppliers? Do you have a plan for growth? Have you
put together an employee succession plan?
Discovering the answers to these questions will help you
determine where you are on your business journey.
Second, establish a culture of entrepreneurship within
your organization. Most often we think of an
entrepreneur as someone who starts their own small
business. However, many small businesses aren’t
innovative at all; they are just copies of a tried and
true formula. On the other hand, Starbucks
revolutionized the way Americans bought coffee, even
though coffee houses have been around since the
15th century. Entrepreneurship exists within some of
the world’s largest companies, yet may be absent
from a sandwich shop in the newest suburban strip
mall. What makes a culture an innovative one? An
innovative culture embraces failure. Innovation means
doing something new, often resulting in failure. If
employees fear retribution for failing, innovation never
gets off the ground. Deploy innovation into your
company’s performance review process. Have
employees identify their own creativity goals and then
measure their progress.
“Oh, no!” I can hear you saying. “We went through
this empowerment phase back in the Nineties!” To
assuage your fears of a TQM redux, let’s look at what
innovation isn’t. Innovation isn’t just about an
employee suggestion program; ideas must be
What is
innovation?
Survey 100 people
and you might get
100 different
answers.
translated into specific outcomes. Innovation isn’t about
throwing new technology at a problem, either. Innovation
manifests itself as an outcome, but also as the creative
process that brings a new or improved product or service to
market. Innovative business owners must discipline
themselves to search the environment for new trends,
technologies and changes in customer mindsets. When a
market shifts, opportunities for a new product, service or
approach present themselves. Innovators also examine their
own business processes and look for opportunities to improve.
People often work around a weak link in a process rather than
find a way to fundamentally change it. Redesigning a process
often leads to innovation.
You say, “This sounds complicated.” Let’s simplify things.
Xerox’s Chief Technology Officer
Sophie Vandebroek described
innovation in an interview published in
the July 27 issue of Fortune magazine.
She said, “Innovation has two
elements. No. 1, there is the creative
piece, the "Aha!" moment. . . . A lot of
what we do early on is dreaming and
innovating with the customers. The
second piece is the "intrapreneurial"
role within Xerox, making sure that this
creative idea goes through the whole
value chain and becomes the right
product for the customer.”
Dreaming with customers sounds pretty easy, doesn’t it?
If you’re not inspired to become more innovative yet,
consider this—research conducted by management consultant
firm Arthur D. Little revealed that companies in the top 20% of
Fortune magazine’s annual rankings of the most innovative
companies produce double the shareholder returns of other
companies in their sectors. By contrast, companies in the
bottom 20% report shareholder returns that are less than one
third of other companies in their sectors.
Bottom line: Innovate or fail!
4 • January 2008

January 2008 • 5

WINE AND BREW
Wine & Spirits: The differences
between red and white wines
It is common knowledge that wine comes from aged
grapes. But how many people know what techniques are
used to age the grapes and why white wine ages faster
than red wines?
Let's start at the beginning of the wine making
process. First the grapes are picked, then crushed and
pressed. Aging sets in immediately after this. The grapes
are stored in oak barrels or steel vats. Sometimes oak
chips are added to the steel vats.
The interaction of tannin, acids and sugar play an
important role in the aging process. Tannin is an
excellent antioxidant and natural preservative, which
helps increasing the aging period the wine can go
through without going bad (oxidation). It also gives the
wine an important flavor dimension.
Other factors are:
- temperature
- light conditions
- alcohol
Stable and cool temperatures are beneficial to the
aging process. Cooler temperatures slow down the
aging process (enabling the wine to age gracefully and
develop a more complex taste), which is what
winemakers want. Instable temperatures and light
conditions have a bad effect on the quality of the wine in
the end.
Why can't white wine not be aged as long as red
wine?
Basically the reason is that white wine contains less
tannin. Tannin can be found
in the skin, seeds and
stems of the grapes. In
white wine less exterior
skin is used than in
red wines. In red
wines it is needed
for the coloring,
as both red and
white grapes
are white on the
inside. The
more exterior
skin is used, the
more tannin the
mixture will
contain.
When
making
white wine
much less
exterior
skin ends up in the mixture, resulting in less tannin in the wine.
So, this means that the aging process for white wines are
generally shorter than red wines. Attempts to age white wines
for many years usually fail. So, make sure you drink your
white wines within a few years after production, and save the
tannin-rich red wines for that special occasion!
Wine serving basics
The wine owner needs a few tools and gadgets for his
greater comfort and better security of his treasure. First of all a
decent corkscrew. The narrow gimlet corkscrew though
suitable for the smaller beer cork, is not safe to use for wine. It
may easily pull away, bringing the core of a perished cork with
it. The other type of corkscrew is flattened and edged, thus
giving a better bite on the cork.
In the case of an obstinate cork nothing is better than the
double-lever extractor:
Care must be taken at the beginning of the
stroke to see that the cork is coming and
that the screw is not merely pulling
through.
The Crown cork-opener for
aerated water-bottles, is now an
indispensable accessory for the
cellar.
Hand-guards.
When drawing a
cork a guard should
always be used. A
cloth at least, or a
leather guard which
6 • January 2008

WINE AND BREW
is slipped over the neck. One can never be sure there is not a
flaw in the bottle, and a dangerous cut to hand or thigh is not
worth risking.
There exists a device with elevating gear like a turret-gun
(but something smaller) for steady pouring of a fine old crusted
Port. This seems to me overdoing it a little. Still, to do justice
to a really old wine, “ best if the host, this is an impressive
piece of 'business,' as they say in the theatre go down to his
cellar and bring up the treasure in his own hands. No
deputizing can be adequate.
Decanting…
It has been asserted that the wine in process of being
decanted takes up oxygen, which changes the taste and
perfume of the wine. Agreed. But the wine, anyway, must
reach the oxygen before being drunk, unless we are to drink it
at one draught from the bottle; and there is surely more
likelihood of the back swish of the bottle, whether poured from
basket or hand, disturbing the sediment than really careful
decanting. But the connoisseur-scientist's somewhat ecstatic
description of how wine should be served and drunk seems to
so valuable.
The decanting funnel is recommended for decanting good
wine. It should always be perfectly clean boiled, in fact, before
use and should be warmed to the temperature of the wine
which is being decanted. The turned end of the funnel directs
the wine down the side of the decanter and prevents
'frothing.'
The little hard wood `sizzler is much in vogue
with those who do not care for highly-aerated
waters or extra fizzy drinks. If 'sizzled' round in a
glass of champagne it effectually releases the gases
and reduces the effervescence.
For 'cups,' a double glass vessel (see below) is
indispensable. The inner container holds the ice and is
removed just before serving. The ice should not be
put directly in the wine, because it may not always
be perfectly clean, and because it dilutes and often
'clouds' the wine.
Decanting should always be done
carefully. All wines throw some deposit;
the deposit, in a sound wine, indicating
improvement. This deposit is not
required for consumption, and should be
left in the original bottle when decanting. Its presence in
the decanter spoils not only the appearance but the
flavor of the wine.
When decanting very old wines, such as Port, it
is best, if possible, to remove the neck of the bottle
below the cork with the tongs as above described.
When opening Champagne, remove all wire and foil before
releasing the cork. Many a bottle of good wine has been
spoiled by allowing the contents to run over moldy string and
rusty wire. Do not put ice into Champagne, but only around
the bottle. Wine drunk too cold loses much of its fine flavor. It
is not, by the way, safe to decant two bottles of wine
into the same decanter, not merely in case there
should be anything wrong with one of them, but
because a supreme accidental character of one
specially-favored bottle may well be lost. Respect each
bottle of your fine wine as having temperament,
individuality.
Having your good wine to decant, into what sort of
vessel are you to decant it ? In general terms one
answers: Into a vessel which shall show off to best
advantage the color of the wine, which means certainly
first of all into a vessel of pure white glass. Custom has
decided that Port and Sherry shall be poured from
solid, heavy, broad-based, or onion-bellied decanters
But let all other wines be decanted into carafes of the
more delicate-stemmed shape.
This allows the light to shine through, and the
connoisseur will probably add that the simpler the form
and the less embellishment in the way of cutting there
is the better, as few things are more beautiful on the
well-set table than the way the lights are reflected from
the simply-curved surfaces of fine glass.
January 2008 • 7

DINING REVIEW
India Garden
By: Suz Pisano
India Garden
328 Atwood Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15213
www.indiagarden.net
This month the Nightwire crew and some very lucky
friends were invited to a veritable feast at Pittsburgh’s #1
Indian Restaurant- India Garden. This awesome ethnic
restaurant is conveniently located in Oakland on a very
international street- Atwood. I was excited because I
love Indian food and my friends do too- I knew we were
in for something special & that we would get to try some
new dishes. When going to an Indian restaurant, almost
everyone I know orders the same thing or picks from the
same 3 or 4 dishes that they’ve grown accustomed
to…wait till I tell you about what we feasted on! And I
should mention that Didar, the owner was our most
gracious host, personally selecting each dish.
When dining at India Garden, you must try the
Samosas (2 for $3.50). Didar told me that they sell about
1200 per week! That’s a lot of Samosa’s! These are
crisp turnovers filled with potatoes, peas, nuts & herbs. I
8 • January 2008
like mine with a little tamarind sauce that adds sweetness to
the spicy. We also had the Kabob Platter ($7.99) which
includes Lamb, Chicken & Fish. The Lamb sausage was
evenly spiced, the Tandoori Chicken is amazing and the
Salmon equally as tender & delicious. This is a great appetizer
and quite generous for the price. India Garden has many
selections of Small Plates and even more Breads. We tried
the Bread Basket ($5.99) which includes Aloo Paratha, bread
stuffed with Mashed Potatoes, Garlic & Plain Nan- the
traditional Punjabi white bread baked in a clay oven. Everyone
had their favorite but the Poori ($1.99) or “balloon bread” is my
favorite. I was surprised that my friends had never had it, but
I’m sure it’ll be a standard now that they’ve tried this delicious
deep fried balloon bread!
Our entrees began with Shahi Chicken Biryani ($10.99) – if
you’re new to Indian dining this is a great intro. The Chicken
is mixed into the basmati rice and cooked with nuts, spices
and herbs. I like the homemade yogurt on the side to cool it
down and the creamy texture of the yogurt adds a nice
compliment to the spice. Dishes are spiced according to
taste- don’t worry your server will ask “How spicy?”
Spiciness is ranked on a scale of 1 to 10, we always get 6 or
7, but first timers might try a 5 or lower. Our guest Kristen is
vegetarian and was quite excited to join us due to the
multitude of vegetarian selections on the menu. Our next
entrée was vegetarian Mumtaz Paneer Tikka (Tandoori)
($10.99)- Homemade Paneer marinated in delicately spiced
yogurt. Paneer is Indian cheese with the consistency of
chicken. At Indian Garden, you’ll find lots of Paneer offerings.
Cooked with the Tandoori spice in the traditional clay oven,
this dish was a favorite of our entire party. It was definitely

something different. As the Tandoori is the traditional cooking
method, we were presented with Tandoori Shrimp. This was
my favorite and something I might not have ever ordered. The
large shrimp were spicy, tender and broiled to perfection.
Another vegetarian selection that we tried was the Shahi Matar
Paneer ($8.99) this dish consisted of homemade cheese with
green peas cooked in a mildly spiced sauce. Very good & very
green, Indian food whether vegetarian or not just feels healthy.
The cheese gives you something to bite into in this creamy
dish.
Didar told us that in India the food is prepared much spicier
than in this country. He spent 7 years as a Chef in another
Indian restaurant and has been on Atwood Street for the past
15 years. When I
asked him about
“Americanized”
Indian food he
said that it
remains pretty
authentic not like
some Chinese
dishes made
specifically in
America. My
thought- that’s
good to know. At
India Garden they
take great pride
in presenting
traditional
cooking methods,
authentic recipes,
homemade
DINING REVIEW
cheeses and breads along with fine ingredients to make
your dining experience memorable. They have mastered
the art of cooking traditional dishes with Indian spices.
India Garden is definitely on my list of restaurants that
we go to quite often. Now I’ll just have to get out of my
comfort zone when ordering Lamb Vindaloo ($10.99) a
Southern India favorite with heavily spiced lamb cooked
in a tangy hot sauce, or Chicken Tikka Masala ($10.99)
filet of tandoori chicken cooked in a creamy tomato
sauce (anything masala is very yummy!!) or Lamb Boti
Kebab Masala ($11.99) my ultimate favorite & the best of
both flavors- lamb & masala spices. So there- you have
my favorite picks, some new dishes & a helpful staff to
answer any questions you may have about Indian food.
If you’ve never tried it- do yourself a favor this winter- on
a cold snowy day nothing could be better than Indian
aromas and exotic spices to warm you up from the
inside out! There are sooo many good choices of sooo
many good things to eat and then there are the
desserts!
Dessert offerings at India Garden are plenty. Just
when we thought we couldn’t possibly eat one more
thing- Didar brought us out some pretty unusual & pretty
fabulous desserts. Now by fabulous, I don’t mean
ornate or fancy I just mean that the taste and the
simplicity are a perfect counterbalance to the spiciness
of the meal. We tried Kulfi Pista Malai ($3.50) an
authentic Indian ice cream made with milk & nuts. A
dispute arose over whether or not this ice cream had
coconut in it due to the unusual texture- no, just milk &
nuts. Gulab Jamun ($2.99) juicy cheese balls dipped in
honey syrup are a definite favorite & do not taste
anything like cheese! It’s another version of Indian
homemade cheese- I call these honey balls. Our final
dessert the Rasmalai ($2.99) is another homemade
cheese, different than the other. Rasmalai is flavored
with rose water & nuts and served in milk. The texture is
creamy and soft & unlike any American dessert.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the beverage
selections- India Garden has a fully stocked bar with
Indian beer selections: we tried the Taj Mahal and the
Kingfisher. Lassi’s ($2.99) are offered in Rose, Mango &
Plain, these refreshing drinks are made with
homemade yogurt and the mango is to die for!
Made with fresh mangoes of course!!
Masala Chai ($2.99), Indian coffee ($2.99)
and various juices are also offered. If you’re a
fan of Chai tea- this is the real deal and I
would know, I spent $10 on the jar of
cardamom to make my own & it’s a process.
With all of your new found knowledge of
Indian cuisine- don’t be afraid to try it! And
don’t be afraid to ask questions. India garden
is open 7 days a week from11:30 am to 1:00
am. They boast a huge lunch buffet & you
may even find a coupon on their website (hint,
hint!) Located at 328 Atwood Street, in
Oakland, stop by & give them a try- it’s Indian
food at it’s finest! Check out their website for
sure- www.indiagarden.net
January 2008 • 9

NIGHT TECH
Introducing Kindle
Three years ago, we set out to design and build an
entirely new class of device—a convenient, portable
reading device with the ability to wirelessly download
books, blogs, magazines, and newspapers. The result is
Amazon Kindle.
We designed Kindle to provide an exceptional
reading experience. Thanks to electronic paper, a
revolutionary new display technology, reading Kindle’s
screen is as sharp and natural as reading ink on
paper—and nothing like the strain and glare of a
computer screen. Kindle is also easy on the fingertips. It
never becomes hot and is designed for ambidextrous
use so both "lefties" and "righties" can read
comfortably at any angle for long periods of time.
We wanted Kindle to be completely mobile and
simple to use for everyone, so we made it wireless. No
PC and no syncing needed. Using the same 3G network
as advanced cell phones, we deliver your content using
our own wireless delivery system, Amazon Whispernet.
Unlike WiFi, you’ll never need to locate a hotspot. There
are no confusing service plans, yearly contracts, or
monthly wireless bills—we take care of the hassles so
you can just read.
With Whispernet, you can be anywhere, think of a book,
and get it in one minute. Similarly, your content automatically
comes to you, wherever you are. Newspaper subscriptions are
delivered wirelessly each morning. Most magazines arrive
before they hit newsstands. Haven’t read the book for
tomorrow night’s book club? Get it in a minute. Finished your
book in the airport? Download the sequel while you board the
plane. Whether you’re in the mood for something serious or
hilarious, lighthearted or studious, Kindle delivers your
spontaneous reading choices on demand.
And because we know you can't judge a book by its cover,
Kindle lets you download and read the beginning of books for
free. This way, you can try it out—if you like it, simply buy and
download with 1-Click, right from your Kindle, and continue
reading. Want to try a newspaper as well? All newspaper
subscriptions start with a risk-free two-week trial.
Kindle’s paperback size and expandable memory let you
travel light with your library. With the freedom to download
what you want, when you want, we hope you’ll never again
find yourself stuck without a great read.
We're very proud to introduce Amazon Kindle and we hope
you like it as much as we do.
- The Amazon Kindle Team
10 • January 2008

Care Have a little about time to ... spare? Then animals?
this event is ....right up your alley!
AnimalFriends
Alley Up
at
AMFMt. Lebanon Lanes
2-5pm Sunday,
January 27th
Hosted by
Cris Winter
from Wish 99.7
$25 ticket includes three games of
bowling with ball and shoe rental, pizza, soda, beer
and a t-shirt. Reserve a lane for up to six people for
only $125. Try your luck at some fun raffles and
auctions. Doors open at 1:00pm. Special guests
include some furry, four-legged residents of Animal
Friends. Prizes for Best, ..and Worst Game!
Don’t end up in the gutter...register by January 24
412.847.7055
specialevents@animal-friends.org
AnimalFriends | 412.847.7000 | ThinkingOutsidetheCage.org
January 2008 • 11

NIGHT TECH
The New K.I.T.T.
As "Knight Rider" -- NBC's iconic 1980s television classic
that became a runaway success, comes roaring back to life on
the network with an updated sequel that will air as a two-hour
movie event on Sunday, February 17 (9-11 p.m. ET) -- NBC
unveiled the new customized KITT Ford Mustang to be
featured in the series in a press event held at NBC's Burbank
Studios today.
The movie stars Justin Bruening ("Cold Case," "All My
Children"), Deanna Russo ("NCIS," "The Young and the
Restless"), Sydney Tamiia Poitier ("Veronica Mars,"
"Grindhouse") and Bruce Davison ("Breach," "Close to
Home"). In addition, David Hasselhoff (NBC's "America's Got
Talent") -- who starred in the popular lead role as Michael
Knight for four seasons during the original series -- returns as
the same character in a special guest-star appearance. Will
Arnett (NBC's "30 Rock," "Blades of Glory") will provide the
voice of KITT.
Dave Bartis ("Heist," "The O.C.") and Doug Liman ("Mr. and
Mrs. Smith," "The Bourne Identity") serve as executive
producers. NBC also has an arrangement with Ford Motor
Company that provides for a unique content opportunity that
makes the Ford Mustang one of the stars of the movie.
The three cars to be employed in the series include the
KITT Hero -- a Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR that is playing
the part of the everyday Hero car with 540 horsepower; the
KITT Attack -- a super high-speed version of the Ford
Mustang Shelby GT500KR Hero car that transforms into
Attack mode with the help of air-ride technology and
specialized body parts -- and a KITT Remote, which is a
driverless Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR version of the Hero
vehicle.
As the original story resumes, the new KITT (Knight
Industries Three Thousand) is absolutely the coolest car ever
created: its supercomputer capable of hacking almost any
system; its weapons systems efficient; and its body -- thanks
to its creator's work and nanotechnology -- is
capable of actually shifting shape and color. Plus,
its artificial intelligence makes it the ideal crimefighting
partner: logical, precise and possessing
infinite knowledge. It is the ultimate car -- and
someone will be willing to do anything to obtain it.
Sarah Graiman is a 24-year old Ph.D candidate
at Stanford University, following in her genius
father Charles' (Davison) footsteps. But when men
attempt to abduct her, Sarah receives a
mysterious call from KITT warning her that he's a
creation of Charles, who also invented the first
KITT 25 years ago -- and that her father is in
serious danger.
Sarah and KITT track down her best friend from
childhood, Mike Tracer (Bruening), a 23-year-old
ex-Army Ranger, whom Sarah hasn't seen since he left
home at 18. Having served in Iraq, Mike is now jaded
and lost and initially resistant. Eventually he agrees to
help Sarah and the two set out to discover who's
behind the attempt to procure KITT and find Charles.
Along the way, Carrie Rivai (Poitier) plays the agile yet
tough FBI agent who has a long-standing friendship
with Charles and Sarah. Due to those ties, she is
brought into the mix to help in the search.
David Andron is supervising producer and writer.
Steve Shill ("Dexter," "The Tudors"), also a co-executive
producer, directs the two-hour movie from Universal
Media Studios and Dutch Oven Productions.
12 • January 2008

January 2008 • 13

MUSIC
Way Left of Center
Everyone’s in the Hood Gang!
Photos by Trish Imbrogno
Not often do you find a band that can pull off the
type of show you experience with Pittsburgh’s THE
HOOD GANG. “We’re the undisputed number one most
partyingest band,” says lead-man Sneaky Mike, and
after my Roller Boogie II experience, I can’t say I
disagree with him.
The Hood Gang is a unique combination of Merry
Prankster, Glam Band and Hip Hop rhymes. There isn’t
a sound to describe the Band, but it’s good all around;
and their performances include top-notch musicianship
with all of the rock-star you can handle. Traditional
instrumentation is enhanced with hand percussion
(Miguel Sague-Rodriguez), vintage keyboards (Sam
McCumber,
also in charge
of guitar),
kazoo (Sneaky
Mike, lead
rock-star),
choreography
(Drunken
Monkey, colead
man),
lineage and
unicorns (Dylan
Aragon, who
plays some
drums as well),
and nudity (Justin
Brown, doubling on
bass). Izzy Funk
Arlet helps hold it all
together on
guitar and vocals.
All Hood Gang
shows are based on
a theme, and the
band has used this
concept to
revolutionize the live
show. It began with
The Roller Boogie
last April and has
blossomed into a
stream of
extravagant
encounters that
allow both the band
and fans to be a
part of the show.
The Ultimate Band
Bar Crawl was a
creation of three
shows in South
Side venues on the
same night. The Band played minstrel-style between Club
café, The Bar and The Hkan, leading over 100 bar crawlers like
the pied piper to the next venue. They’ve also performed The
Scooby-Doo Show (in The Ghost of Andy Warhol), The Karate
Kid Show, and the very
popular Roller Boogie II
(now an annual holiday
held on November 9).
The Hood Gang has
an extensive
discography dating back
to 2004. The Band is
currently in the studio
working on The Hood
Gang Documentary, set
to release in early 2008.
If you have yet to
experience a Hood Gang show, don’t miss the next
opportunity to see them live. Come ready to leave your
inhibitions at the door, let your hair down and have a great
time!
Want to know more? They love email:
hoodgang@gmail.com. And, don’t forget to make them your
friends on myspace, www.myspace.com/thehoodgang.
Upcoming Shows: 2/2/08; Brillobox (Bloomfield), 9pm.
Back to the Future Show.
14 • January 2008

Ice & Snow - Take it Slow
What To Do in Winter Weather
Check The Forecast - When you see an extreme forecast,
plan ahead. Talk to your employer, local school or daycare
center. How will they provide you information?
Limit Travel During the Storm - Check road reports,
forecasts and roadway temperatures at. Stock up on
household items. Emergency groups encourage you to have
supplies that will last three days.
Safe Winter Driving Tips
Before Leaving Home: Prepare Yourself and Your Vehicle
Before leaving home, find out about the driving conditions
and prepare your vehicle. Safe drivers know the weather, and
they know their limits. If the weather is bad, remember, Ice and
Snow, take it Slow, or
just don't go.
You should keep your vehicle in top operating condition all
year round for safety and fuel economy. Read your owner's
manual.
Safe Travel on the Road
Winter Conditions call for different driving tactics, Ice and
TRAVEL
Snow, take it Slow - slower speed, slower
acceleration, slower steering, and slower
braking. Give yourself extra time to reach your
destination safely. It's not worth putting
yourself and others in a dangerous situation
just to be on time.
Drive with your headlights on
Ice and Snow, take it Slow, Drive for
conditions. Don't get overconfident with fourwheel
drive. It won't help you stop any faster.
Drivers should allow additional room
between their vehicles and others. Winter road
conditions often result in longer stopping
distances.
Avoid abrupt actions while steering, braking
or accelerating to lessen the chances of losing
control of the vehicle.
Look farther ahead in traffic. Action by other
drivers will alert you to problems and give you
extra time to react.
Avoid using cruise control or overdrive.
Don't let your car make a bad decision for
you.
Stopping on snow and ice without skidding
requires extra time and distance. If you have
anti-lock brakes, press the pedal down firmly
and hold it. If you don't have anti-lock brakes,
gently pump the pedal. Either way, give
yourself plenty of room to stop.
Safe Travel Around Snowplows
Snowplows are usually spreading anti-icing
materials from the back of the truck and may
need to stop or take evasive action to avoid
stranded vehicles. If you find yourself behind a
snowplow, stay behind it or use caution when passing.
The road behind a snowplow will be safer to drive on.
Don't crowd the plow. Snowplows plow far and
wide-sometimes very wide. The front plow extends
several feet in front of the truck and may cross the
centerline and shoulders during plowing operations.
Plows turn and exit the road frequently. Give them
plenty of room. Stay back at least 15 car lengths (200
feet).
On multiple lane roads, watch for snowplows
operating in either lane.
Snowplows can throw up a cloud of snow that can
reduce your visibility to zero in less time than you can
react. Drive smart. Never drive into a snow cloud - it
could conceal a snowplow.
A snowplow operator's field of vision is restricted.
You may see them but they may not see you.
January 2008 • 15

NIGHT LIFE
16 • Jamuary 2008
January Nightlife
All event times subject to change. Please
contact venue for show times and dates.
Nightwire is not responsible for incorrect
or misprinted shows, times, dates, or
venues.
Sassy Marie’s
Jan 4 – Harold Betters Quartet
Jan 5 – Fred Pugh & Friends
Jan 11 – Mystic Knights
Jan 12 – Jimmy Adler
Jan 16 – Swing Dancing in Footnote
Jan 18 – Chizmo Charles
Jan 19 – Brewer’s Row
Jan 25 – Tubby Daniels
Jan 26 – Sweaty Betty Blues Band
Moondog's, in Blawnox, 412-828-2040
Jan. 5 (Sat.), The Deceptions (rock),
10:00 PM
Jan. 11 (Fri.), The Coal Men, with Ford
Thurston (alternate-country), 9:30 PM
Jan. 18 (Fri.) AND Jan. 19 (Sat.),
Studebaker John & the Hawks (blues),
Live CD Recording, 9:30 PM (both
nights)
Jan. 25 (Fri.), Hip Hop Nite (hip hop),
10:00 PM
Jan. 26 (Sat.) the CAUSE (rock), 10:00
PM
MR. Smalls, Millvale , 866-468-3401
Sat 01-05-08 Subdue, Ninetail, The
Defining Hour, The Empire’s Collapse,
Lorakai, Doors: 6:30pm, Music:
7:00pm - All Ages | Tix: $8 adv, $10 dos
Fri 01-11-08 Jaded Holly, The Cascade
Atlantic, Shadows Against My
Reflection, Eskoata, Hollywood Caliber
Doors: 6:30pm, Music: 7:00pm - All
Ages | Tix: $8 adv, $10 dos
Thu 01-17-08 Martin Sexton - Doors:
7:00pm, Music: 8:00pm - All Ages | Tix:
$22 adv/dos
Sun 01-20-08 The Birthday Massacre w/
School Yard Heroes, Creature Feature
Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm - All Ages |
Tix: $13 adv, $15 dos
Thu 01-24-08 Steel Train w/ Person L
[on sale 12/15] Doors: 6pm, Music:
7pm - All Ages | Tix: $10 adv/dos
Fri 01-25-08 Haste the Day / Scary Kids
Scaring Kids w/ Drop Dead Gorgeuos,
Gwen Stacy Doors: 6pm, Music: 7pm
- All Ages | Tix: $14 adv, $16 dos
*Sat 01-26-08 Marc Cohn w/ Amy
Correia - reduced capacity, partially
seated performance Doors: 7pm,
Music: 8pm - Ages: +21 | Tix: $30
adv/dos
Tue 01-29-08 As I Lay Dying w/
August Burns Red, Evergreen Terrace,
Still Remains Doors: 6pm, Music:
6:45pm - All Ages | Tix: $17 adv, $19
dos
Club Café, South Side, 866-468-3401
Thu 01-03-08 Chet Vincent and the
Big Bend, Joybox, The Beagle
Brothers Doors: 7:00pm, Music:
8:30pm – Ages: +21 | Tix: $7 adv/dos
Fri 01-04-08 Lovebettie, Recession,
August and Everything After Doors:
7:00pm, Music: 8:30pm – Ages: +21 |
Tix: $7 adv/dos
Sat 01-05-08 Debutante, Viola Formica
[early show] Doors: 6:00pm, Music:
7:00pm – Ages: +21 | Tix: $7 adv/dos
Sat 01-05-08 The Rustlanders w/
Brewer’s Row [late show] Doors:
10:00pm, Music: 10:30pm – Ages: +21
| Tix: $7 adv/dos
Sun 01-06-08 Liquid Sundays
featuring Shade, Soulharmonic,
Yourself & The Air and a heap of local
art on display - Doors: 6:30pm, Music:
8:00pm – Ages: +21 | Tix: $5 adv/dos
Mon 01-07-08 Mark Pipas as THE
SLEAVE - Doors: 10:00pm, Music:
10:30pm – Ages: +21 | Tix: Free
Thu 01-10-08 Steven Foxbury and
Morgan Stewart present their very
own, Very January Sad Song Contest -
Doors: 7:00pm, Music: 8:30pm – Ages:
+21 | Tix: $7 adv/dos
Fri 01-11-08 Sue Gartland, The
Newlanders - Doors: 7:00pm, Music:
8:30pm – Ages: +21 | Tix: $7 adv/dos
Sat 01-12-08 Soma Mestizo, Une De
Luna - Doors: 7:30pm, Music: 9:00pm
– Ages: +21 | Tix: $7 adv/dos
Mon 01-14-08 Mark Pipas as THE
SLEAVE - Doors: 10:00pm, Music:
10:30pm – Ages: +21 | Tix: Free
Mon 01-21-08 Mark Pipas as THE
SLEAVE - Doors: 10:00pm, Music:
10:30pm – Ages: +21 | Tix: Free
Sat 01-27-08 Crescent and Frost,
Welcome Abraham - Doors: 6:00pm,
Music: 7:30pm – Ages: +21 | Tix: $15
adv/dos
Mon 01-28-08 Mark Pipas as THE
SLEAVE - Doors: 10:00pm, Music:
10:30pm – Ages: +21 | Tix: Free|

Vagina Monologues
Eve Ensler’s bold and hilarious mega-hit that spread
the word and changed the world. Directed by Tracy
Brigden, this revolutionary and entertaining theatre event
runs January 10 – February 17, 2008. Brigden decided to
stage The Vagina Monologues in response to the great
success of last
season’s The Good
Body, also by
Ensler.
City Theatre’s
production of The
Vagina Monologues
stars Erica
Bradshaw, Holli
Hamilton, and
Laurie Klatscher.
They’ll list pet
names for private
parts, tell stories
Erica Bradshaw,
about discovering
“downthere,”
sound-off about orgasm, and discuss what vaginas
would say if they could talk. Staged in City Theatre’s
111-seat Hamburg Studio, the shocking truths and
raucous humor of The Vagina Monologues will be an upclose
and personal experience for all. Ensler created The
Vagina Monologues in 1996 as a way to celebrate and
empower women. In The Vagina Monologues she says,
“There’s so much darkness and secrecy surrounding
them – like the Bermuda triangle. Nobody ever reports
back from there.” Ensler decided to change that. For her
THEATER
script she interviewed more than 200 women.
Their stories are a mix of funny, shocking,
tragic, and fascinating. Topics include
menstruation, gynecologists, the horrors
experienced by Bosnian women raped during
the war, genital mutilation, and the wonders of
birth.
What started as an audacious idea ended
up being an award-winning and hugely
successful theatre event, resonating with
audiences all over the world. In 1998, Ensler
decided use the popularity of her play for
social change. That year she created V-Day, a
global movement to stop violence against
women and girls. Now celebrating its 10th
anniversary, V-Day has raised more than $50
million and works in 81 countries. To mark the
anniversary in February, City Theatre is planning several
special events that will benefit
V-Day.
Performance Schedule: Tuesdays at 7 pm;
Wednesdays, Thursdays & Fridays at 8 pm; Saturdays at
5:30 pm & 9 pm; Sundays at 2 pm.
Ticket Prices: Tuesdays thru Thursdays: $35. Fridays
thru Sundays: $40.
City Theatre
subscribers: $5 off.
Students: $15.
Discounts available
for groups of 10 or
more.
Special Events
Wine Tasting
Wednesday: Enjoy
wine samples
before the show on
January 16.
Laurie Klatscher
Dinner & A Show Thursdays: Every Thursday get $10
off two tickets and a $10 off coupon for two dinners at
participating local restaurants.
Girls Night Out Fridays: Pre-show parties on January
11, January 25 & February 1.
Sound-off Sundays: Audience members can talk with
the cast after the shows on January 20 & February 3.
January 2008 • 17

THEATER
Sweeney Todd - The Demon
Barber of Fleet Street
Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, will
make its Pittsburgh premiere at Heinz Hall for a limited
one-week engagement beginning Tuesday, January 29,
through Sunday, February 3, 2008. Tickets ($22.50 -
$64.00) are available at the Box Office at Theater Square
online at pgharts.org and by
calling (412) 392-4900. This
exciting and innovative new
production features a multitalented
ensemble of ten talented
actor/musicians, five from the
2006 Tony Award winning
company. The Wall Street
Journal says, “The greatest
musical of the past half-century
has returned in a staging of the
utmost force and originality!” and
Time Out New York calls Doyle’s
revival “the most addictively
delicious dish on Broadway in
years!”
Sweeney Todd is based on the
19th century legend of a London
barber driven to a life of crime
after a malevolent judge takes his
wife and child from him.
18 • January 2008
Sweeney’s plan for revenge includes a cutthroat partnership
with Mrs. Lovett—an enterprising businesswoman—who is
producing the tastiest meat pies in London.
Directed and designed by John Doyle, who won the 2006
Tony, Drama Desk and Outer Critics Circle Awards for this
production, Sweeney Todd features the music and lyrics by
Stephen Sondheim, book by Hugh Wheeler from an adaptation
by Christopher Bond and music supervision and
orchestrations by Sarah Travis who won a 2006 Tony Award
for Sweeney Todd.
Doyle’s production of Sweeney Todd opened on Broadway
in 2005 to universal critical acclaim where it won the Drama
League, Drama Desk and Outer Critics Circle Awards for Best
Revival of a Musical, and was awarded a Special Citation by
the New York Drama Critics Circle. It arrived on Broadway
from a highly successful London engagement originally staged
by the Watermill Theatre, which transferred first to the Trafalgar
Studios in London’s West End in July 2004 to wide critical
acclaim, then to the New Ambassadors Theatre where it ran
for a limited engagement that closed on February 5, 2005.
The original production of Sweeney Todd opened on
Broadway at the Uris Theatre (now the Gershwin) on March 1,
1979 in a production directed by Harold Prince. The musical
won eight 1979 Tony Awards including Best Musical of the
Year and ran for 557 performances.
Tickets ($22.50 - $64.00) are available at the Box Office at
Theater Square (655 Penn Avenue), online at pgharts.org and
by calling (412) 392-4900. To purchase group tickets, please
call (412) 392-4819. The performance schedule is Tuesday-
Thursday, 7:30 p.m.; Friday, 8 p.m.; Saturday, 2 p.m. and 8
p.m.; and Sunday, 1 p.m. and 6:30 p.m.
Sweeney Todd is produced by Thomas Viertel, Steven
Baruch, Marc Routh, Richard Frankel, Ambassador Theatre
Group, Adam Kenwright, Tulchin/Bartner/Bagert, and Live
Nation.
For more information on Sweeney Todd, please visit the tour
website, www.sweeneytoddtour.com

Y O G A
T R I B A L
B E L L Y
D A N C E
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CAPOEIRA
The Steel City Derby Demons
bring you Women’s Flat Track
Roller Derby!
Sponsored by:
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Steel City Derby Demons Team Steel Hurtin’ take on
D.C. Rollergirls Team Commanders in Briefs
Saturday January 26 at Blade Runners-Harmarville
Doors open at 5:30 Roller Derby Action at 6:30
Tickets are $10 in advance • $15 at the door • Children under 10 are free
go to www.steelcityderbydemons.com for more information
Steel Hurtin’
x
X
January 2008 • 19

HUMOR
One Liners
I was in the bar the other day and heard two guys
speaking Iranian. I said to them. Why are you speaking
Iranian? You’re in America now, speak Spanish!
Jewish foreplay is three hours of begging. Italian
foreplay is Maria, I’m home.
Did you hear about the Jewish good luck charm? It’s a
rabbi’s foot.
Why do Canadians like to do it doggie style? So they
can both keep watching the hockey game.
Heard about the Black Man and the Mexican who
opened up a restaurant? It’s called Nacho Mama.
How many Teamsters does it take to change a light
bulb? Ten….You got a problem with that?
What do Japanese men do when they have erections?
They vote!
Trouble Sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a
nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I
must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not
bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Low Self-Esteem
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he
finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then
waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to
make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took
some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes
with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight
and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It
is very common among losers."
Wife Isn't In The Car
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over
and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car
several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I
had gone deaf!"
Amazing Talking Cow
A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When
the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped
beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said
the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until
he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right
eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She
doesn't know a thing about cars."
Loud, Mad, or Sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on
mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked,
"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth
screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a
chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A
basketball coach?"
Horse Pulls The Car
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated
area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong
horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie,
pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't
respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull."
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And
the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He
asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name
three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he
was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Try To Explain Women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and
asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so
beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did
you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
20 • January 2008

January 2008 • 21

HUMOR
The Weenie Contest
Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an
Italian kid and a Redneck kid), are on the playground at
recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new
game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says...
"Okay." They all agree. The Italian kid pulls down his
zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Irish
kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at
least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid
whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the
fattest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck
kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh,
we worked on a science project, had a math test and
read out loud from a new book, and then during recess,
my friends and I played a new game called, "Let's see
who has the largest weenie." "What kind of game is that,
honey?" asks his mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick
each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The
other kids say it's because I'm a "Redneck". Is that true,
Mom?" Mom replies, "No, honey. It's because you're
twenty-one...
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he
settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful
woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was
heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it,
she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in
Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she
was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling
to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's
your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she
responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what
kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one
popular myth is that African-American men are the most
well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best
lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who
are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with
absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck"
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and
blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be
discussing all of this with you I don't even know your
name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my
friends call me Bubba!
Gramps
There was a family gathering, with all generations
around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra
tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa
excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his
concerned children. "Well," he answered, "I don't really
know... I had to go to the bathroom...So I took it out and
started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put
it back."
Little Joanie's At It Again...
A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a
few seconds, Little Joanie stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Joanie?" "No, ma'am,
but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Joanie watched, fascinated, as her mother
smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that,
mommy?" she asked. "To make myself beautiful," said
her mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Joanie. "Giving
up?"
The math teacher saw that little Joanie wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on her and said, "Joanie!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Joanie quickly
replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Little Joanie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures tacked
to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One
of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the
policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture
him." Little Joanie asked, "Why didn't you keep him
when you took his picture ?"
Little Joanie attended a horse auction with her
father. She watched as her father moved from horse to
horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs
and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Joanie asked,
"Dad, why are you doing that?" Her father replied,
"Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Joanie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy
wants to buy Mom ."
A Little Laugh
98% of Americans say, “Oh shit” before going into a
ditch on a slippery road. The other 2% are from
Pennsylvania, Minnesota and West Virginia and they say,
“Hold my beer and watch this shit.”
22 • January 2008

Funniest Jokes Of The World
A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest
joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of
countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a
different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two
funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The Funniest Joke In The World
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when
one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be
breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy
whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He
gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it
easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a
silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on
the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke Ever
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the
night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up
and nudges his faithful friend. ‘Watson, look up at the sky and
tell me what you see.” I see millions and millions of stars,
Holmes,” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from
that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it
tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in
Leo, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful
and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment.
‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
The Funniest Joke In England And The United
Kingdom
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:
“That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman
goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to
a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man
says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll
hold your monkey for you.”
The Funniest Joke In The U.S.
The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave
Barry is a well known humorist whose columns are syndicated
in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly
devoted an entire column to Laugh Lab. At the end of the
column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended
with the punch line: ‘There’s a weasel chomping on my
privates.’
Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel
chomping’ jokes.One weasel joke scored very highly in the
USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it
is: At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual
going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s
HUMOR
wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be
all twitching and jumping about.” “Well sir,” says Major
Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to
be a weasel chomping on his privates.”
The Funniest Joke In Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work
in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
underwater, on almost any surface including glass and
at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
The Funniest Joke In Austria
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very
much worried and all strung out. She rattles off:
“Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this
morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my
hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled
and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out,
and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s
WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over
for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can
tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your
eyesight….”
The Funniest Joke In Belgium
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
The Funniest Joke In Germany
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found,
frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged
to have the soldier psychologically tested. The
psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged,
and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier
picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
The Funniest Kids Joke Ever, Perfect For
Every Four Year Old
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!
(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered,
it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they
are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note
that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number
of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by
imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).
January 2008 • 23

HUMOR
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she
had not had sex or even a date for over 5 years.
Fearing that she might have something wrong with her,
she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well
known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Woo F'ong Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said,
"OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she
was told. "Now, get down on your hands and knees
and craw reery, reery fass to
odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she
was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw
reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang
shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat
why you not
haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously, !
"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and
replied! , "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look
Ed Zachary like your ass."
The Anniversary Gift
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow
morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds." ". . .AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning Ed got up early
and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked
out the window and sure enough there was a box giftwrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the
wife put on her robe and ran out
to the driveway, and brought the box back in the
house. She opened the box and found a brand new
bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him.
Grandparents and Grandchildren
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup,
under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as
she'd done many times before. After she applied her
lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But
Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
My young grandson called the other day to wish me
Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I
told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he
asked "Did you start at 1?"
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy
blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around
her head and stormed into their room, putting them
back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room,
she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her
own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.
I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the
woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last
she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we
alike?" You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a
story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she
replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors
yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and
ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always
correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed
for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these yourself!"
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,
we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from
attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use,
Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he
advised, "mine says I'm four to six."
A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to
make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said,
"how do you make babies?" "It's simple, "replied the girl.
"You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman
came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad
aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?"
she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means
carrying a child."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The
children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him
to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another,
"he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to
a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrants...
24 • January 2008

Etna
338 Butler St.
Pittsburgh PA 15223
412.784.TAT2
South Side
1410 E. Carson St.
Pittsburgh PA 15203
412.488.TATS
January 2008 • 25

HUMOR
Blonde Joke
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired
of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are
perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her
husband that blondes really are smart. While her
husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day,
right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30
and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into
the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes
over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to
prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and
she wanted to do it, by painting the house. He then
asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the
paint can and it said . . . You'll love this
Yep... I know you will . . ."FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT
ON TWO COATS"
Welfare Check
A Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up
his check. He marched straight up to the counter and
said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job." The social worker behind the
counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job
opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac
daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and
he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the
daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to
satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social
worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it".
Happy Jihad
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so
quick to commit suicide.. Let's see now. . . No Jesus - No
Christmas - No television - No cheerleaders - No baseball - No
football - No hockey - No golf - No tailgate parties - No Wal-
Mart - No Home Depot - No pork BBQ - No hot dogs - No
burgers - No chocolate chip cookies - No lobster -No shellfish,
or even frozen fish sticks - No gumbo - No jambalaya - No
Beer -Rags for clothes and towels for hats - Constant wailing
from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no
doctors - Constant wailing from the guy in the tower - More
than one wife - You can't shave - Your wives can't shave - You
can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over
burning camel dung - The women have to wear baggy dresses
and veils at all times - Your bride is picked by someone else -
She smells just like your donkey - But your donkey has a
better disposition - Then they tell you that when you die it all
gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
26 • January 2008

Anniversaries...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband
was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes
downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen
table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be
in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "W
hat's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into
the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The
husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering
when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were
only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how
caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. " Do
you remember when your Father caught us in the back seat of
my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself in
to! a chair beside him.
The husband continues. " Do you remember when he shoved
that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail For 20 years?" "I remember
that, too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his
cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."
Jewelry Shopping
A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses
around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to
inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she
inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little
accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right
now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in
the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a
cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may
we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the
salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little
'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely
bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at
it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price!
The Amish Farmer
An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man
drinking fromhis pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts
(in German): 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows
have shit in it.' The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't
understand. Please speak in English.' The Amish man says:
'Use two hands. You'll get more.'
2 Guys Fishing...
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine
failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of
the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the
amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This
JOKES, JOKES, JOKES
particular genie, however, stated that he could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving
much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make
the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands
with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea
turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle
lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men
considered their circumstances. One man looked
disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice
going idiot! Now we're going to have to p..s in the boat!"
BBQ Grill
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day
and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is
getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is
bigger than the barbecue grill." With that, he proceeded
to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then
went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two
inches wider than the barbecue grill !!!" The woman
chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the
husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances
towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks She answers: "Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little
weenie?"
$10.00
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle on
different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long
as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose
brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a
Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot
of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as
long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to
support." Jose says, " No wonder you only get $2-3
dollars." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need
another $ 10.00 to move back to Mexico "
Riddle
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your
left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches
below the level you are traveling on), and on your right
side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same
size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you
is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also
traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do
to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get
your sorry drunk ass off the Merry-Go-Round!!
January 2008 • 27

LAUGHS
Irish Humor
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,
his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's
walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "Well
that little shite, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do
that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean,
"you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?" "That I did,"' says Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was,
but useless in a fight."
Irish Humor II
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A Garda Síochána
pulls him over. "So," says the officer to the driver, "where
have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've
had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right,"
the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the
cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his
chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Irish Humor III
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The
Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the
drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds
three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no
use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Cowboy Boots
A lady went into a bar in Miles City and saw a cowboy
with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman
asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men
with big feet?" The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is,
little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunk-house
and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find
out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next
morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real
flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services
before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered . . .take
the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.
Simple Humor
• I wondered why the baseball was getting
bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut
off? He's all right now.
• The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a
hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with
stalking.
• We'll never run out of math teachers because they always
multiply.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was
on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your
memory.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat miner.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully
recovered.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• A calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in
the end.
• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Anesthesia
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests
in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His
eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to
sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him. "The drugs
are wearing off," he replied.
28 • January 2008

January 2008 • 29

LAUGHS
Golfing can be dangerous
A man walks into the doctor's office with 2 black eyes
and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.
Naturally the doctor asks why, and the man begins his
story. "Well, my wife and I went out for a quiet day of
golf on Father’s Day. She teed off and we watched her
ball head straight into a pasture of cows. We walk over
to look for it. As I looked around I saw something white
on the rear end of a cow, I walk over and sure enough,
there's my wife's ball stuck right in the middle of the
cows butt. So I lift up the tail, and said to my wife, hey
this looks like yours!
Spot!!
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home
to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been
seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the
meeting though, and by the time he arrived punctually at
the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The
problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and
halfway through the dinner the young man realized he
couldn't hold it in one-second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped. "Spot!" called out the young
woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young
man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young
man let another, slightly larger one go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply. 'I've got it made,'
thought the fellow to himself. 'One more
and I'll feel fine'. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!!!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he
craps on you!"
Retirement
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are
discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if
I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom. After some
thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house
sharing situation with three other single or widowed
women who might be a little younger than herself, since
she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad,
"What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the
same thing."
Negotiations
The maid asked for a raise. The lady of the house was
very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do
you want an increase?" Maria: "Well ma'am , there are
three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I
iron better than you." Lady: "Who said you iron better
than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Lady: "Oh.
And the second reason?" Maria: "The second reason is
that I am a better cook than you." Lady: "Nonsense,
who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "Your
husband did." Lady: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is
that I am a better lover than you." Lady (very upset
now): "Did that SOB of a husband of mine say that as
well?" Maria: "No ma'am, the gardener did. She got the
pay raise...
Gifts for Teacher
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten
teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son
handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I
bet I know what it is. Some flowers." " That's right." the boy
said. "But how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she
said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I
can guess what it is. A box of candy." "That's right. But how
did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said
the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store
owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was
leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and
touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the
boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of
the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took
one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With
great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Magic Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The
father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a
fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers began to light
in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said
quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
The Marriage Counselor
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of
marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went
into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had
ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on
and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their
marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk
and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed
her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as
though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and
said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.
Can you do this???" The husband thought for a moment and
replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and
Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
30 • January 2008

HUMOR
How To Crap At Work
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
Work Crap is inevitable. For those who hate crapping at
work, the following is a survival guide for taking a dump
at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast
around the office so the smell is not in your area and
everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30
feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other crappers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a crap in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
it did not happen. If you are standing next to the fairer in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a crap, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the crap hits the water. This reduces the amount
of air time the crap has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the Walk of
Shame.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This
can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and busts you. As with forts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use
of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPER: A colleague who
craps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
an Out Of The Closet Crapper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Crapper
before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in
the building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will reduce the odds of a same sex pooper entering
your bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a crap at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover a watermelon, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very
effective when used in conjunction with an astaire.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave
the bathroom immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.
WATERMELON: A crap that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If
you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
camo-cough.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of
loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to
relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to crap
when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.
My Point Exactly
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly checkup...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-
year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?" The doctor
considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid
hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry ,
he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male
beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun
at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it
were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor. The
86-year-old said , “Logic would strongly suggest that
somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Two Goats
Two goats are out behind a move studio eating old movie film.
One goat says to the other, “Pretty good, huh?” The second
goat says, “Yeah, but it’s not as good as the book.”
32 • January 2008

Unbelievable
Tom finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a
Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life -
until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore
of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing.
Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is
lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman
he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I
landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says.
"You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of
raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum
tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the
sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But ... but ...
that's impossible," stutters Tom. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, no problem," replies
the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very
unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a
certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
hardware." Tom is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she
says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a
small wharf. As Tom looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the
boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up
the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only
stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she
JOKES. JOKES, JOKES
says casually, "It's not much, but Icall it home. Sit
down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No,
no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any
more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the
woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina
Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he
accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch
to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in
the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Tom
goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a
razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of
a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is
amazing," he muses, "what next?" When he returns,
she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she
begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
been out here for a really long time. I know you've
been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel
like doing right now, something you've been longing for
all these months. You know..."She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing! "You mean ...", he
swallows excitedly, "We can watch the Steelers game
from here?"
January 2008 • 33

HUMOR
Bear Family
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear
family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs
and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his
small bowl. It’s empty! “Who’s been eating my
porridge?” he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table
and sits in his big chair. He look into his big bowl. It is
also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge” he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch
from the kitchen and yells, “For Pet’s sake, how many
times do we have to do through this? It was Mummy
Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear
who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into
the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was
Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear
who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the
cat’s water & food dish. And now that you’ve decided to
come downstairs and grace me with your presence…
listen good because I’m only going to say this one more
time. I haven’t made the bloody porridge yet!”
Insurance Agent
An insurance agent who was talking to a prospective
client at her home pointed to an exquisite vase on the
sideboard and asked, “Do you keep anything in it?”
“Yes, my husband’s ashes,” come the reply. I am sorry,
apologized the agent, I did not know he was deceased.
He isn’t – he is just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray.
Wondering
Just wondering, what does it say under hair color on the
driver’s license of a bald man?
Phone
The phone was ringing. I picked it up and said, who’s
speaking please? And a voice said, you are!
Mrs. Perkins
Mrs Perkins was talking to her hair stylist. It’s silly, she
said, but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about
losing her hair. What do you mean, her stylist asked.
Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling
her best friend that she hoped she’d be balled soon!
The Coma
A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest
doctor about the fate of her baby. "You had twins, a boy
and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor.
"Luckily, your brother named them for you." "Oh shit, not
by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replies. Thinking that isn't so bad,
she asks, "And what did he call the boy?" The doctor
answers, "Denephew."
Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it
was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels..... Helllloooo!!!...bottles won't fit in
printer!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours .... power
went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong
instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into
those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a
lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition...
learned later, the other swimmers cheated,
they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't
it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions
said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December- Couldn't call 911. "duh".....there's no
"eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
34 • January 2008

January 2008 • 35

SUNDAY
$2.00 Captain Drinks
$5.00 Miller Lite Pitchers
MONDAY
MIDGET MADNESS
Half-Off Drinks 9pm-11pm
$1.00 Anheuser-Busch Bottles
9pm-11pm
TUESDAY
$1.50 Yuengling Bottles,
$2.00 Well Drinks
10pm-12am
WEDNESDAY
$3.00 Bombs,
$1.50 - Rolling Rock Bottles
10pm-12am
THURSDAY
$2.50 Import/Malt
Bottles & $2.00
Bud Light Bottles
10pm-12am
FRIDAY
$1.50 Miller Lite Bottles
10pm-12am
$3.50 Bombs 9pm - 11pm
SATURDAY
MIDGET MADNESS
$1.50 Coors Light Bottles
10pm-12am
$2.00 Well Drinks &
20oz. Coors Drafts 5pm-7pm
LIVE ENTERTAINMENT
THURSDAY, JANUARY 10
SKREWLOOSE
also
UNKNOWN CAUSE
NORTHERN AGGRESSION
1811 E. Carson Street • 412-431-3595

Little Carol
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was
making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she
thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she
wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Carol
was a bit of a mischief maker. She had
been in trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked
if she thought she deserved a
bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to
reflect on her behavior over the last year and write a letter to
God telling him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.
Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down
to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike
for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good
girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this
year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and
started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I
will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my
birthday.
Thank you, Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to
get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went
downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church.
Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol
looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," her
mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church
and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was
there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it
under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street,
into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and
sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the
bike!!
Signed, You know who
Definition of Old
First you tell your friend that you are having an affair...
Then your friend asks you...
'Are you having it catered???'
THAT, my friend, is the definition of OLD!!!!!!!!!
LAUGHS
What is Marriage?
1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life
sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is
an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring,
wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In
the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they
both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You order what you want,
and when you see what the other person has, you
wish you had ordered that instead.
7. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
8. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China , a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That happens everywhere, son,
EVERYWHERE!
9. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the
alarm clock.
10. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand
before marriage, it is love; after marriage...it is selfdefense.
11.When a newly married man looks happy, we know
why. But, when a 10-year married man looks happy,
we wonder why.
12. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America ,
the rest cheat in Europe .
13. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides
of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still
they stay together.
14. Before marriage, a man 'yearns' for the woman he
loves. After the marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.
15. It's not true that married men live longer than single
men, it only seems longer.
16.When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure for one thing - either the car is new
or the wife is.
Lifeline...
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a
call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They
got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Amish Trash?
How can you tell where Amish people live in
Appalachia? They have a dead horse up on blocks in
the front yard
January 2008 • 37

LAUGHS
How Are You Feeling?
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident
were serious enough to take the trucking company
(responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the
trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what
happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie
into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie
into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the
scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is
a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer
Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I
was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad
and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole
Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her,
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun
in his hand and looked at me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story.
"The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was
in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU
feeling'?"
Dealing With A Lawyer
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the
pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you
done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer
thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a
quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter
asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really
quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said,
"Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a
homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel,
who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had
been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you
suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to
Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Leader Of The HMO
Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head
of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he
asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?'
The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not
pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may
go in.'
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I
taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told
her 'you may go in.'
St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man
hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St.
Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'
Purchasing A New Bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a
couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and
sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was
dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the
husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored
comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy
with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this
big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy
forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its
mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird,
told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a
very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird!
The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with
single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a
hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To
demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird!
The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it
in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's
attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and
took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual,
sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game.
"Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony
bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird,
my foot!"
38 • January 2008

N
CLASSIFIEDS
Want to be a
Steel City
Derby Demon?
Tryouts are being held
Sunday, January 20th.
Must be 21yrs of age or older and
have basic skating skills.
If interested or for more information
please contact Alvilda Kil at :
skateyourfaceoff@hotmail.com
or info@steelcityderbydemons.com
Let’s Roll!!
Personals:
Professional Personal Masseuse
Please Call: 724-223-0939
Pager: 888-549-6763
Leave a message - All Calls Returned
January 2008 • 39

40 • January 2008