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14 Psychoanalytic criticism
for example, “I’m the failure”; “I’m the perfect child”; “I must always ‘come in
second’ to my brother”; “I’m unlovable”; or “I’m responsible for my parents’ problems.”
The oedipal conflict (competition with the parent of the same gender for
the attention and affection of the parent of the opposite gender) and all the
commonplace ideas of old-style Freudian theory (for example, sibling rivalry,
penis envy, castration anxiety) are merely descriptions of the dominant ways
in which family conflicts can be lived. They give us merely starting points for
understanding differences among individuals. For example, in some families, sibling
rivalry (competition with siblings for the attention and affection of parents)
can occur, in an important sense, between a parent and child. If I feel jealous
of my mate’s affection for our child, what may be going on is a reenactment of
my unresolved childhood rivalry with a sibling I believed was more loved by my
parents than I. That is, seeing my mate’s affection for our child reawakens some
or all of the hurt I felt when I saw my parents’ affection for the sibling I believed
they preferred. And so I now find myself competing with my child for the attention
of my mate.
It is important to note that oedipal attachments, sibling rivalry, and the like are
considered developmental stages. In other words, we all go through these experiences,
and they are a natural and healthy part of maturing and establishing our
own identities. It is when we fail to outgrow these conflicts that we have trouble.
Here’s an example common to many women. If I remain in competition with
my mother for my father’s love (a competition that can go on in my unconscious
long after one or both parents are dead), I will probably be most attracted to
men who already have girlfriends or wives because their attachment to another
woman will allow me to replay my competition with my mother and “this time”
win. Of course, I might not win the man this time, and even if I do, once
I’ve won him I’ll lose interest in him. Although I probably don’t realize it consciously,
his desirability lies in his attachment to someone else. Once he’s mine,
he’s not so exciting anymore. On the other hand, if as a child I felt that I won
my father’s affection from my mother (which he may have given me as a way of
punishing or avoiding my mother), then I may be attracted to men who already
have girlfriends or wives (and who don’t seem likely to leave them) because I feel
I need to be punished for “stealing” Dad from my mother. Of course, another
way to punish myself for stealing Dad from my mother (or for wanting to steal
him or, if he sexually molested me, for feeling that it was somehow my fault) is
to be unable to respond sexually to my mate.
A common way in which men replay unresolved oedipal attachments involves
what is often called the “good-girl/bad-girl” attitude toward women. If I remain
in competition (usually unconscious) with my father for my mother’s love, I am
very liable to deal with my guilt by categorizing women as either “like Mom”
(“good girls”) or “not like Mom” (“bad girls”) and then by being able to enjoy