JOURNAL - International Childbirth Education Association

HEALTHY LIFESTYLES
by Ana Lopez-Dawson
When Parenting Hurts
As an ICEA Certified Childbirth Educator and Licensed
Clinical Psychologist specializing in the area of abuse and
neglect, I have had the opportunity to meet with many
families and individuals before, as well as after, the birth of
their child. It is fascinating for me to observe how different
a parent might behave from their self- perception.
While an individual may consider themselves an
adequate parent, the interaction between parent and
child may suggest serious problems in their relationship.
Although in a single year more than 1,500,000 American
children may be neglected or abused, and many of
those children will die as a result of their maltreatment
(US Department of Health and Human Services 1988),
it is difficult for many parents to perceive themselves as
abusive or having the potential for being abusive. I believe
the reason stems from the fact that many abusive parents
have great difficulty recognizing their weaknesses, and
some refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Abusive
individuals come from all walks of life and backgrounds,
and thus, for professionals, it can be difficult to detect
an abusive parent if the abuse is subtle and not blatant.
Even very abusive parents can be observed to be loving
and affectionate with their children intermittently.
It is the general belief that there are several factors
which place a child at higher risk for being abused. Certain
vulnerabilities in the parent, such as psychopathology
and substance abuse, place that parent at higher risk to
abuse their child. Depression, for example, can be quite
debilitating, particularly during the postpartum period.
One might see a parent who is struggling unsuccessfully
to take care of their needs while also trying to meet those
of their infant. Symptoms such as sleep deprivation and
increased irritability are not unusual during a depressive
episode. This problem can be compounded further
during the postpartum period when sleep deprivation is
present by nature due to the infant’s feeding and sleep
patterns. These factors place the infant at increased risk
for abuse.
Alcohol and drug abuse (methamphetamine in particular)
seem to be a prevalent problem, particularly in
the families with whom I work. In a substantial amount
of cases, the baby is removed from the home at the time
of its birth due to prenatal drug exposure. As one can
imagine, the early separation and subsequent lack of quality
on-going contact with the infant substantially impact
the bonding and attachment process for the child and the
parents. Most of the time, these parents lack the coping
skills necessary to care for their child. Additionally, some
individuals may have secondary brain-related deficits, as
a direct result of their substance abuse, further limiting
their ability to parent. Early intervention is crucial in these
families.
Factors in the child which may increase their potential
for abuse include a strong temperament and certain vulnerabilities
such as mental retardation, physical disability,
low birth weight, or other factors which may present as
a special challenge to the parent in caring for that child.
Certain developmental stages such as the terrible twos or
adolescence can prove particularly challenging for parents.
Often, a lack of awareness on behalf of the parent
about what is normal behavior for a child at a certain
developmental stage causes much of the problem. For
example, I have worked with parents who perceived their
two-year-old as purposefully trying to push their buttons.
Teaching these parents that a normal two-year-old is supposed
to be oppositional can help to reduce the parents’
level of anger, their sense of helplessness, and possibly
reduce some of the risk for abuse.
Parents with handicapped children are often exhausted
physically and mentally from caring for their children. It is
not at all unusual for them to feel guilt-ridden over their
child’s disability (even if it was not a result of their own
prenatal neglect) or to have a sense of helplessness. Their
sense of failure as a parent may lead to abuse, which in
turn would increase their sense of helplessness. Finally,
many families experience a deep sense of loss over not
having had their expected outcome. Their child’s future
might be looked at with fear or worry.
The temperament of the child is also a crucial factor.
In my practice, I have worked with parents who were
well-equipped with parenting skills and social supports,
lacked a history of psychopathology, and were drug-free.
However, their child’s temperament was so challenging
that the parents would run out of stamina and patience.
Some of these children may struggle when they experience
a change in their environment. Transitioning from one
activity to the next may require much preparation and it
needs to be done in a gradual fashion. This requires the
parent to have adequate planning ability and an awareness
of environmental deviations. It is time-consuming
and extremely draining on one’s energy.
Finally, there are social factors which place families
at risk. These include those at or below the poverty level,
limited or the absence of social support, being a single
parent, having four or more children, younger parental
age, family violence, acculturation difficulties, and stressful
events (US Department of Health and Human Services
1988). One might see several families living in a small
apartment or cubicles because of lack of resources. There
are also many families who may not be of legal immigration
status who cannot tap into certain community financial
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12 • IJCE Vol. 13 No. 4