What is Operation Poncho, why not to trust street ... - The Pavement

22 / The Pavement, September 2007
The Insider
Insider’s back, with his view of life in hostels
There is a trend among homelessness
organisations of referring to
their residents and service users
as customers. We need some kind
of rating system so that you, the
customer, can make an informed
choice before you move into a
hostel. The finest minds in the
industry are working on this, and
some confusing shape-based rating
system (I don’t think parallelogram
is taken yet) will spew out of a
working party some time in 2009.
Well, your friendly ‘insider’ can
save them the time and effort. I
scribbled my own system on the
back of a cigarette packet whilst
trying to avoid eye contact with
the people on a packed night bus.
The essence of ‘The Mum Hostel
Rating System’ (TMHRS) is: “If this
hostel was a mum, which kind would
it be?” I would not suggest for one
second that all hostel residents are
children; however, all hostels are –
basically – trying to be your parents.
Some are the baby-boomer,
modern-parent types. They let
you call them by their first name,
carry you around in a papoose
and turn a blind eye to your drug
use, maybe even hinting that
they dabbled in their youth…
They will advocate fiercely on
your behalf to other agencies such
as the police or out-reach workers
(fascist pig tools of the state,
obviously), regardless of what
you may or may not have done.
They will occasionally implement
a rule, but don’t worry: it will be
forgotten by the end of the day.
These hostels are almost
impossible to get thrown out of,
even if you want to, and would
be pretty nice places to live if
it weren’t for the fact that the
other residents are also allowed
to do anything they want.
Unsurprisingly, conflicts are
a daily event, and the staff are
usually unwilling to intervene for
fear of preventing the residents
from expressing themselves.
Some of London’s larger hostels
are akin to the (possibly nonexistent)
Daily Mail “dole mum”
whose kids run riot, annoying the
neighbours, while she sits on the
sofa smoking fags and watching
the government money roll in.
The obvious drawback to
living here is the constant chaos
and the feeling of anonymity
– it’s not great when your mum
doesn’t remember your name.
Some London hostels, essentially
run by religious organisations,
would be an initially kindly,
religious mum who possibly
lost her virginity and had kids
at quite an advanced age.
They will be tolerant and sympathetic,
and may see your problems
as a phase you are going through
– nothing some mild (barely
religious) religion and a good, hot
old-fashioned meal won’t cure.
After trying this approach for a
while, they might become exasperated
if you haven’t changed to their
liking and suddenly become the
mum from Carrie… They probably
won’t lock you in a cupboard
with a Bible and a torch, but may
move you on to somewhere that
would suit you better – probably
another hostel, possibly the streets.
A fairly pleasant, if boring,
place to live, but you may tire
of naïve and simplistic solutions
and the ever-present feeling
that you are being judged.
Next: the hostels that if they
were a mum would be TV’s terrifying
Supernanny. These will be very
strictly ‘boundaried’ and any breach
will be met by a demonstration of
the staff’s comprehensive understanding
of the patronising dog
trainer tone of voice. Superficially,
they will not get angry, nor will their
demeanour change, even though
they perpetually remind you of the
rules of the establishment and the
boundaries of your relationship
with them. Almost any comment,
conversation or behaviour could
be seen as a transgression. Living
in this type of hostel can be a daily
tightrope walk over a pit of ‘inappropriateness’.
And, of course, they
will have their own version of the
naughty step: back to the streets!
So these are the most common
types of hostels. Among the less
common types covered by THMRS
are the parents who went to a
festival in the mid-Seventies and
instead of going home at the end,
ran off to a teepee community
somewhere cold in Wales. The main
problem is the confusion over who
the parents are – the ‘staff’ or you?
If it’s you, how did you suddenly
become a parent when you
just wanted somewhere to live?
So there you have the
HMRS, soon to be adopted
by the rest of the industry.
Let us know what you think of
it and what improvements could
be made. And, of course, tell us
what kind of mum your hostel is.
Insider
• If you’re anything to add to
Insider’s rating system, or even
rate the hostel you’re in, get
in touch with the author at:
Inside@thepavement.org.uk