The best coffee in town (possibly) - foxymoron

WHAT A TANGLED
WEB WE WEAVE
Black cobweb
Steatoda capensis
These spiders are a shiny black to dark brown and are a similar size
and shape to the Katipo, some individuals may have a faint red stripe on
the back of the abdomen. These characteristics often lead to a case of
mistaken identity with the Katipo, they can be distinguished by the smaller size of any red stripe
and the absence of a red hourglass marking on the under side of the abdomen. These spiders
are generally considered to have come to New Zealand from South Africa. The Black cobweb
spider is common around homes and is often found in similar habitats to that of the katipo. In
some parts of the country Steatoda seems to have displaced the Katipo from its beach habitat,
it is not known whether this is a direct result of competition between the two species or whether it is a result of
environmental changes due to human intervention.
BITE: While resembling the Katipo in a number of ways it does not share its nasty reputation, in short it’s a B
grade South African Katipo try hard.
White Tailed
Spiders
Lampona cylindrata and
Lampona murina
Another Australian import White tail spiders were first recorded in New
Zealand in 1886, at Waiwera. Typically greyish in colour with banded
legs the spider gets its name from the distinctive white marking on the
end of the abdomen. The leg-span of a fully grown spider is around 4
centimetres. There are two different species of White Tail in NZ, Lampona
murina has been here for over a hundred years and more recently Lampona cylindrata was
discovered in the South Island around the early eighties. These night stalkers are unusual in that
they only hunt other spiders. Instead of building a web the White Tail cautiously enters the web
of its intended victim and proceeds to mimic the struggles of a trapped insect by tugging at web strands. The resident
spider is fooled into investigating the disturbance where it finds itself lunch; for the White Tail that is (horrible little cunts)!
BITE: In recent times the white tail has usurped the Katipo as New Zealand’s number 1 bad bugger, however
evidence to back this reputation up is questionable. There has been a lot of media hysteria surrounding particularly
nasty white tail maulings and bites are often attributed to these spiders even when the culprit was never seen.
Where these spiders have been positively identified as causing a bite the symptoms are usually local pain and
swelling around the bite area. The bite can develop into a small ulcerous wound due to a necrotising agent in their
venom (sounds pretty fucken gruesome to me mate). Such wounds usually clear up within a week. Like Bee stings
everyone will react differently, so of corse you could be the unlucky exception that does die a horrible, agonising
death at the hands of one of these little fuckers, but it’s highly unlikely. Just squash the cunt, you’re about a
million times bigger than it!
EVER WONDERED WHAT THAT HORRIBLE LITTLE
CUNT CRAWLING OUT OF YOUR BOOT WAS?
Titanium hits the books to sort out what’s what in New Zealand’s eight legged scene.
Orb Web spider
Family Araneidae
Sub family Araneinae
New Zealand’s most common member of this family is Eriophora
Pustulosa. This spider varies in colour, though it is most commonly
brown or grey. The Orb Web spider can be identified by five small knobs
at the end of the abdomen. This spider is renowned and named after its
cartwheel shaped web, probably the style of web most commonly associated with spiders and
metallers elbow tattoos.
These spiders have a number of enemies; the German wasp will attack and devour the Orb
Web spider. The female Mason Wasp has a slightly more sinister objective. Using its stinger the wasp will paralyse
the spider and take it back to its lair. There the spider is placed in a mud walled nursery chamber where the wasp will
also lay an egg. A grub will eventually hatch and consume the helpless but still living spider.
BITE: Nothing to cry about, slight pain and swelling at the site of the chomp.
Black Tunnel
Web spider
Porrhothele Antipodiana
One of New Zealand’s more impressive spiders, the Tunnel Web is a
large, stocky looking beast. Generally these spiders have a dark
abdomen and legs and a leathery brown cephalothorax (fused head and
thorax). These spiders have pronounced spinnerets that look like two
feelers sticking out of the arse end of the spider.
Common throughout most of New Zealand, the Tunnel Web is often found under rocks and
logs where they build a tunnel-like web with a broad funnel opening. This opening is designed
to alert the spider to any potential dinner guest that would typically include beetles and other
ground dwelling insects. There are apparently accounts of these spiders capturing snails and even mice(you must be
fucken joking)!
The female of the species is larger and stronger than the male and as with most spiders, getting a fuck can be a
serious gamble. The male must enter the web of his prospective mate where he may be attacked and eaten. If the
male manages to get close enough he endeavours to grasp the female with his front legs. If he is successful the
female becomes docile, he gets busy, then attempts to get the fuck out of there before he becomes a post coital
snack. However, some of the males of the species are a little, no make that a lot more devious. There have been
recorded incidences where once the female becomes docile, instead of making out the male proceeds to kill and eat
her. What a tangled web we weave.
BITE: These twisted cunts have very large fangs and can give a nasty bite. Symptoms are described as mild and
likened to a bee sting.