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Xander tried to catch his breath. "Ayum..hammph..hahaha...o.oo..okkaayy..okay..uncle, uncle. Tomas....help..." he gasped. Tomas tilted his head to the side, laid his finger along side his face, blue eyes laughing and intoned in a somber voice ", you should know better than tease your vampire with woodies, especially tiny ones." There were two very pained groans in protest. "Tomas, ugghh that’s terrible. Even for you" Later showered and refreshed, they ate dinner; Sinjin had prepared steaks and baked potatoes, with a wilted spinach salad. After dinner, they helped clear the table, put the dishes in the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen. Xander was quiet. He usually chattered away about work and anything that took his fancy. There was something wrong, Spike knew that and was still waiting patiently, as he had been all night. Sinjin and Tomas just watched him and let him be. Then they all trooped to the den and Tomas built a fire in the fireplace. They opened up a bottle of JD and got pleasantly mellow. Sinjin and Tomas went to bed when the silence in the room became somewhat strained. They regarded Xander with quizzical expressions, glanced at one another and retired, leaving Spike and Xander sitting in front of the still burning fire. They sat silently for a while gazing at the flames in the fireplace. Spike waited patiently. Xander finished off the last of his JD in one long swallow, and after looking at the glass for a few moments as though contemplating a refill. He reached out slowly and set his glass down on the table carefully. "Spike, can we talk?" Xander turned to face him. Spike raised his eyes from contemplating the contents of his own glass, and looked at Xander. "Sure, pet. What’s on your mind?" "I..I..need you to just...just l..l...listen for a little wh..whi..while until I g..g..get it all out or I’ll never be able to f...fi...finish. P..Pll..Pllease?" "Alright, Xander, you can talk to me about anything you know, I’ll just sit here and listen for a bit." The boy lifted his head and stuttered. "O..ok..Okay... I’m not sure how to start this, so I’m just going to say it." He took a deep breath and let it out. "I just want to tell you I’m sorry." Xander’s voice wobbled slightly but he still looked Spike right in the eye when he said it. He looked down then, thinking about what he wanted to say, before he continued. When he raised his eyes to Spike’s ice blue gaze again they were filled with tears. "I’ve been a complete asshole to you, ever since you showed up with that chip in your head. I’ve treated you like you’re lower than dirt, like I was better than you, because I’m human, and you’re a vampire, because you’re different than me, because I have a human soul and you don’t. I’ve treated you like you’re a monster undeserving of my regard, like you’re beneath me." He gasped in a shaky breath and continued, in a voice tight with emotion, his eyes still meeting Spike’s straight on. "Because of my own guilt, I’ve taken my pain out on you, made you my emotional whipping boy. I’ve been jealous and envious. I’ve ignored you and neglected you, didn’t help you when you were injured. I let you go hungry, damn it. I let you live in a cemetery because that’s all I believed you deserved." The boy took another long hard breath in an effort to maintain some semblance of control, before he could get his throat to work again and continue to expose the poison in his soul. "I’ve threatened you, called you names, and insulted you in ways I wouldn’t have done to anybody else. I’ve belittled you and your feelings, denigrated you and humiliated you. In short I’ve treated you as bad as my parents and friends have treated me. I never wanted to be like them. But that’s just what I’ve done. Gods, I’m one sick fuck." "I’m really ashamed of myself. I’m supposed to be one of the good guys, but good people don’t treat anybody that way, like it’s alright to hurt you because of what you are, whether you’re harming anyone or not." Another pause accompanied by a grimace of distaste. "I knew I could do treat you that way with impunity because you couldn’t fight back, couldn’t defend yourself from me. And that makes me a bully. The really bad, bad, fucking sick part about it is; I actually enjoyed it. I fucking reveled. I felt like I had the right, you know? I meant it when I was doing it, saying it and thinking it." Xander paused, and swallowed hard a couple of times trying to ease the tightness in his throat and
chest, and then he continued. "I called you evil, when I was the evil one. I called you soulless, and I having a soul that I bragged about, acted like I didn’t have one. I threw your helplessness in your face and enjoyed it. That’s a hard thing to accept about myself, that I’m capable of that kind of arrogance and evil." The tears finally started to overflow those sorrowful brown eyes and run down his beautiful face. "I’ve taken a hard look at myself and I’m not too happy with the way I’ve behaved and the things I’ve done. I feel downright rotten. It’s been eating me alive from the inside out. The way I treated you was evil. It was so wrong. I was wrong. The way I treated you was so wrong that I need a compass and a map to find to find my way back to right." "So I’m sorry. I apologize. I’ve come to the understanding that there are all kinds of good people, not all of them are human and they don’t all have souls. I also know that there are evil people and they aren’t all demons, some are humans and they have souls. Not all the monsters are demons." "A..a..and I was w..ww.wwwondering if you c...c....cccould b..b..bring yourself to f..for..forg..forgive me for being a real m...mon...mon...monster, and c...c...could we m..maybe s..st...start over? I’d r.r...really like to be your f...fr...friend. You’ve been b...b...better to m..me than I d..des..deserve" The last words were forced out in a strangled heart wrenched wail. Then Xander finally broke and cried, great gasping shuddering sobs that shook his entire body and the couch they were sitting on." Spike sat for a moment in stunned silence, then jumped forward and pulled the sobbing, shuddering boy into his arms. "Shh...it’s alright Xander, it’ll be okay luv. Of course I forgive you.... I forgive you. You’re a strong brave boy. Ya have a pair of knackers the size of Texas don’tcha boy? Takes a lot of courage to admit when you’re wrong and try ta make it right, now don’t it? Knew there was something eatin at ya t’night. Never be afraid to talk ta me. I’ll always listen to ya pet. Always want ya to tell me the truth." "Go ahead and get it all out. Yes, I’ll be your friend. I thought we were friends already. Ya not a monster, Xander. Monsters don’t feel bad about the things they do. You’re nothing like those arseholes that raised ya luv, nothing. You were just doin what ya believed at the time. Ya didn’t know any better did ya? Now you learned some new things, and you’re livin the new things as good as ya can. I forgive ya." His gaze roamed without a focus, while he held the boy, petted him with gentle hands, and let him sob and wail out his sorrow, anguish and remorse. "I’m s..ss..ssso sssooo..sssoooorrryyy Spp...SSSpppiii....SSSSSppiikkkeee." Those were the only words he could understand of all the sounds the boy was making. He continued to speak quietly to the boy, telling him he forgave him, holding him gently and rubbing his back with comforting hands. A movement at the edge of his vision caught his attention. He turned his head toward the movement. His eyes caught those of Sinjin and Tomas standing at the doorway to the den, their eyes were filled with understanding and compassion for the both of them. He silently nodded his acknowledgement of their support and they withdrew as quietly as they had witnessed the exchange. Spike stood and slipped his arms under the distraught boy, carried him to his bedroom and laid him on the bed. He left the boy only long enough to step into the bathroom, wet a washcloth and grab a towel, and carry them back to the bed. He sat down, swung his legs up on the bed, made himself comfortable against the headboard and pulled the boy into his lap, tucked his boy’s face into his neck and wrapped his arms around him, running comforting hands up and down the heaving back. Xander clutched him desperately, twisted his fingers hard into the cloth of his shirt and hung on with a death grip. When the shuddering sobs turned into heavy breathing with the occasional sniffle, he held his boy with one arm, raised his face gently with the other and wiped his face clean of tears and the snot that had run freely in his distress. "Shhhh...Shhhh...It’s alright now... Go to sleep Xander... I forgive you...It’s okay... Sleep now... Everything will be just fine...Rest." Xander let out a long shivering sigh, trusted the soulless vampire that held him... closed his eyes
Page 1 and 2: Companions by wolfmama Summary: Xan
Page 3 and 4: He chuckled again as he quickly pul
Page 5 and 6: and death so close still causing it
Page 7 and 8: They had carved out small rooms wit
Page 9 and 10: working. She unwrapped the bundle a
Page 11 and 12: Potter’s field. There was no one
Page 13 and 14: disappointed with him again, if the
Page 15 and 16: laced up the front and had diamond
Page 17 and 18: should be, but all the good and non
Page 19 and 20: Chapter 6: Companions 4 Back to ind
Page 21 and 22: needed attention and needed it quic
Page 23 and 24: fumbling in his pockets for his fag
Page 25 and 26: the public at large, hoping that so
Page 27: tape showing the night’s sales. H
Page 31 and 32: different route to the fortress eve
Page 33 and 34: old as, or even older, than the Mas
Page 35 and 36: into the wild to live or die by the
Page 37 and 38: all inclusive and words can’t exp
Page 39 and 40: get there." "The last time I saw Al
Page 41 and 42: ound the bend?" "The clothes, Spike
Page 43 and 44: unning over his naked form and his
Page 45 and 46: Spike’s hand felt around the floo
Page 47 and 48: around his neck and wrapped his lon
Page 49 and 50: Xander finally broke away to catch
Page 51 and 52: tip of it in. Xander ’s back was
Page 53 and 54: They both missed the bright light t
Page 55 and 56: pot, because we may be busy later.
Page 57 and 58: sprang open, then it sighed through
Page 59 and 60: and sighed heavily. "Reckon we can
Page 61 and 62: over his shoulder and played with t
Page 63 and 64: human blood since he gets it for hi
Page 65 and 66: nervous system is rewiring itself,
Page 67 and 68: Xander’s face was a study in conf
Page 69 and 70: "Alright let’s get this done, so
Page 71 and 72: drastic." Andy reported tiredly. "B
Page 73: weight and silkiness of it caressin

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