In My Shoes... The Captivity of Negativity (PDF)

Srishti Chugh
In my shoes …
The Captivity of Negativity
My heart melted as I watched the ‘Seeb International Airport’ in the distance, drifting away. The
images, all still very clear in my mind - the mountains, the beaches, the mosques, the date palm trees, the
sand, the heat, the clear skies and everything that I called ‘home’. Engulfed in a feeling of regret,
homesickness, fear and deep sadness, I looked over at my mother in the seat next to me, fast asleep. I
envied her. I could see how peaceful she was. I knew she would miss me and she was devastated at the
thought of her only daughter living miles away at the end of the world. I knew she would think of me
with every sweet she made at home, every special dinner she cooked. Yet, she looked so peaceful, in a
deep sleep. I envied her state of mind. I envied her certainty of going back home. She would leave me at
college and go back home. I wanted to change my mind, I wanted to go back home. I did not want to go
to this land “America”, where nobody cared about you, everyone was individualistic and self-centered.
All I could think about was my home, my Muscat, my Oman, the closest thing to heaven I had
ever seen. I missed my friends, I missed our laughter, I missed our memories, most of all I missed my
LIFE. I regretted fighting with my father to let me go so far away when most of my other friends just
went to study in India, for one tenth the cost of what my education would be. I regretted ever wishing for
a change in my life. I could not stop the tears. I could not stop my heart from aching, feeling like my
stomach was turning inside out and there was nothing I could do about it.
I entered the orientation hall. I felt like a tiny fish in a swarm of a million tadpoles. From that
moment on, I knew that for the next four years, I would be a ‘nobody’. Even though India, being the
country of my origin, is excessively populated, I spent the past 15 years in a small country in the Middle
East, Oman. It felt as if all the students in my university could be more than the people in my entire
country. I hated everything about MSU. I hated that there were so many people. I hated that I did not have
anybody I knew. I hated that it was so cold. I hated that I could never have my home cooked food. I hated

that on weekends when everybody went home to their families, I had to stay in my dorm room and look
outside, counting the days left to go home. I hated the classes, I hated the teachers, I hated everybody and
everything. I was captive, in my own head, in the negativity that was inside of me. I did not let myself
explore the wonders of being a college student. I had watched in movies and read in books, the fun and
wild experiences students had studying in American universities. I wanted to experience all that, I wanted
to be a stupid college student that went to class without showering in the morning, and I wanted to be the
student that ordered a pizza at 3 am.
That is why I came here- to get the American experience. To get a good education, a secure job, a
big house with a dog and three children and settle in a suburban area with a pool in my backyard. These
dreams used to be the main focus of my attention when I sat in class in high school. I would drift off into
my own little world, dreaming of all the bounties of the American world. I fought with my father, with
my family and did everything within my power, to get on that plane and come to the U.S.
Yet, somehow, all of that seemed to be of no importance to me anymore. Everywhere I looked, I
felt like I did not belong. I felt like I was an outsider. I would cry for nights together sitting in my dorm,
looking at all my old pictures on my laptop. Life was my enemy. I would sleep all day and miss classes
and wake up all night so I could talk to my friends because of the time difference between here and home.
I had made up my mind to treat this as a temporary life that I had to live and then go back home. I had my
calendar set up with how many months I had left of college, the FIRST week that I was there. I had closed
my mind to meeting new people, making new friends and learning new things. I did not want to change
myself or my life.
This really affected me in every way. It hindered my progress in class. I was so negative and
closed up that I did not go out, I always said no to my friends on my floor when they wanted to do
anything fun. I hardly shared my life, my background or my experiences with anyone. I did not even
bother to open myself up and let people in. Every phase in life is made memorable because of the people

you live it with. I did not understand that fact because I was too busy living in the past. I could not let it
go. I started to see everything horrible in the place and people around me.
I had friends on the floor of Bryan hall, Radhika, Scarlett, Amber, Brittany, Ahimsa and several
others. Yet, I felt lonely. I did not share myself with them. I kept myself closed off and only talked to my
friends from back home all the time on the phone and the internet. I had such an expensive phone bill the
first month, that my father almost cancelled my phone line. I missed my best friends. I missed everyone. I
felt like nobody understood how hard it was for me.
Then as the months went by, I went back home for break. I had the time of my life and once again
I was depressed to come back. I became a wreck! I did terrible in my classes; I did not know what to do. I
could not study, I could not think about anything other than going back home. I used to be a straight-A
student, with grades that any parent would be proud of. I had a scholarship coming in to college. I felt like
a failure.
As the months went by, one day, my friend Amber brought her car up to college, and I told her
that I did not know how to drive. She flipped out! “ARE YOU SERIOUS HOW OLD ARE YOU” she
could not understand how somebody that was 18 years old did not even know how to drive a car when
she had been driving for 3 years. She took me to the Meijer parking lot at 4:00 am and let me drive
around in a circle. I was elated. That was the first happy moment in the entire year, where I forgot
everything going on in my head and just had fun. I went around in circles again and again. I felt like I was
free. I wanted to scream.
Soon, I got my learner’s permit and started learning how to drive from Amber. She was the best
teacher anyone could ask for. She had immense patience and we would drive around after 1 am at night
almost every day. I talked to her about my life, about my home, about my culture, about everything. Soon
enough she became my best friend and I grew close to her. She understood me well, she even tried to

same my name in the right way! ( Which NO body else even BOTHERED to say. It was always “What is
it Kristie What Sushi What )
Time went by again and soon I started to open my mind up to people. I met several other
international students from Macedonia, Albania, Nigeria and I learned how some of them had not been
home in 2 years or more! That made me realize what a life I had. I was grateful to have been able to go
home when I could. I realized how even those people were happier than I was. I decided to let myself
open up. It was winter. I ran outside in the snow, took several pictures, because I had never seen that in
my life! Everyone thought I was crazy for loving the snow so much. I started to experience all the good in
my life. I started noticing that people were so much more open here. What I thought was a careless
attitude was actually a care-FREE attitude. You could be WHOEVER you wanted however you wanted to
be in America. You could dress however you wanted, wear short shorts and skirts and sleeveless tops and
walk around the campus! Little things started to make me happy. Looking at squirrels scurrying around in
the grass, watching the Christmas lights in people’s front yards. I noticed how in my class I had people
that had pink and green colored hair, to people that had their head covered. This place was a mix of so
many different kinds of worlds and it felt good to be able to experience that.
I started letting go of my past and living my new life, where I was a new person, a so-called
‘college student’. I improved my grades. I did great in school and got an interview for a job as well. I felt
proud. I felt happy. I felt fulfilled. I felt elated. I felt like a million dollars! I did many things I should not
have done, but I never regretted anything, because everything made me the person I am today. I have
made some of the best friends I have ever made in my life here. I realize today, that the mind is a very
complex organ. It is something that YOU should control and not let it control you. If you do not open
your mind to new things, you will always be stuck in the past and always be trapped, in the captivity, of
your own negativity.