OC - Oregon Commentator

ommentator
OREGON
April 19th, 2013 Volume XXX Issue V A Student-run Journal of Opinion
Inside:
The OC’s ride-along with UOPD
Taking Back the Night
Zane Kesey Feasts on Cadaver

Founded Sept. 27th, 1983 Member Collegiate Network
Mission Statement
Publisher
Joseph Rouse
Photographer
Jazmin Avalos
OC
Editor-In-Chief
Nicholas Ekblad
Life Coach
Pioneer Father
Managing Editor
Kit Keys
Copy Editor
Franklin T. Bains
Contributors
K.A. Clark, Martin Hallström, Nick Holden, Neil Killion, Cassie
Lahmann, Ginger Werner
Board of Directors
Nicholas Ekblad, Chairman
Joseph Rouse, Vice-President
Kit Keys, Director
Alumni Advisory Board
Charles H. Deister ‘92, R.S.D. Wederquist ‘92
Scott Camp, ‘94, Ed Carson ‘94, Mark Hemingway ‘98,
William Beutler ‘02, Tim Dreier ‘04, Olly Ruff ‘05, Tyler Graf ‘05
Board of Trustees
Richard Burr, Thomas Mann
Owen Brennan, Scott Camp
The Oregon Commentator is an independent journal of opinion.
All signed essays and commentaries herein represent the opinions
of the writers and not necessarily the opinions of the magazine or its
staff. The Commentator is an independent publication and the Oregon
Commentator Publishing Co., Inc. is an independent corporation;
neither are affiliated with the University of Oregon nor its School of
Journalism. And, contrary to popular, paranoid opinion, we are in no
way affiliated with either the CIA or the FBI, or the Council on Foreign
Relations.
The Oregon Commentator accepts letters to the editor and
commentaries from students, faculty and staff at the University of
Oregon, or anyone else for that matter. Letters and commentaries may
be submitted personally to Room 319 EMU or placed in our mailbox in
Suite 4 EMU; phoned in to (541) 346-3721, or e-mailed to:
editor@oregoncommentator.com
We reserve the right to edit material we find obscene, libelous,
inappropriate or lengthy. We are not obliged to print anything that
does not suit us. Unsolicited material will not be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Submission
constitutes testimony as to the accuracy.
E-mails sent to individual authors that are directly related to the
Oregon Commentator may be reused by the Commentator as it sees fit.
The Oregon Commentator is an independent journal of
opinion published at the University of Oregon for the campus
community. Founded by a group of concerned student
journalists on September 27, 1983, the Commentator has had
a major impact in the “war of ideas” on campus, providing
students with an alternative to the left-wing orthodoxy
promoted by other student publications, professors and
student groups. During its twenty-nine year existence, it
has enabled University students to hear both sides of issues.
Our paper combines reporting with opinion, humor and
feature articles. We have won national recognition for our
commitment to journalistic excellence.
The Oregon Commentator is operated as a program of the
Associated Students of the University of Oregon (ASUO) and
is staffed solely by volunteer editors and writers. The paper is
funded through student incidental fees, advertising revenue
and private donations. We print a wide variety of material,
but our main purpose is to show students that a political
philosophy of conservatism, free thought and individual
liberty is an intelligent way of looking at the world–contrary
to what they might hear in classrooms and on campus. In
general, editors of the Commentator share beliefs in the
following:
•We believe that the University should be a forum for
rational and informed debate–instead of the current climate
in which ideological dogma, political correctness, fashion and
mob mentality interfere with academic pursuit.
•We emphatically oppose totalitarianism and its
apologists.
•We believe that it is important for the University
community to view the world realistically, intelligently, and
above all, rationally.
•We believe that any attempt to establish utopia is bound
to meet with failure and, more often than not, disaster.
•We believe that while it would be foolish to praise or
agree mindlessly with everything our nation does, it is both
ungrateful and dishonest not to acknowledge the tremendous
blessings and benefits we receive as Americans.
•We believe that free enterprise and economic growth,
especially at the local level, provide the basis for a sound
society.
•We believe that the University is an important
battleground in the “war of ideas” and that the outcome of
political battles of the future are, to a large degree, being
determined on campuses today.
•We believe that a code of honor, integrity, pride and
rationality are the fundamental characteristics for individual
success.
•Socialism guarantees the right to work. However, we
believe that the right not to work is fundamental to individual
liberty. Apathy is a human right.
2

EDITORIAL
Riding Shotgun
The University of
Oregon Police
Department has a tough
and dangerous job. Its
officers must enforce
the law and maintain
order. To our historic
knowledge, human
beings have always
been in a state of general
chaos. The scales of law
and order continue to tip
and sway throughout
the globe and the expanse of time.
The question of whether or not to arm a campus
safety department is one worth debating, sure.
There are many ways of approaching campus law
enforcement. And if any institution were to make
the first step in implementing a wholly new and
progressive means of maintaining public safety--
one without guns-- the University of Oregon would
be it. However, the UO now has a fully sworn police
force and we at the Oregon Commentator think they
should be armed. Sorry, not sorry, hippies.
one of the bathrooms.
The officer’s first
encounter with this man
was two years ago when
he found him naked
under a tree behind
Johnson Hall.
The first call that
Lillengreen answered
while the OC was riding
along on Friday April
11 came in through the
EPD scanners around 9:30-10:00 p.m. The caller’s
suicidal ex-boyfriend was reportedly in Autzen
Stadium with a gun. Lillengreen drove to Autzen
but was only able to drive around the perimeter of
Autzen. We were looking for a white Ford pick-up.
Lillengreen drove up on curbs and entered the areas
of construction, only stopping where the breadth
of the vehicle prevented passage. After about five
minutes of patrolling the area, EPD showed up.
Presumably, they investigated, but we know not of
the result. UO police officers are not equipped to
enter such a dangerous situation.
If they were still the Department of Public Safety,
then it would make sense that they would do their
job without firearms, establish a perimeter around
dangerous areas and keep innocent people out of
harms way. However, they are law enforcement
now. If a crime is committed, it is their job to find
out who committed it and punish them. They are
the bottom rung of the judicial system, like social
janitors ... except janitors have better hours.
We have begun to send our staffers on ride-alongs.
One of our reporters accompanied Safety Officers
Adam Lillengreen and Eric Leroy one Friday night in
April and returned with some anecdotes that should
sway those not in favor of arming the police force-- if
not prove entertaining in and of themselves.
Officer Lillengreen told the OC about having to
detain and frisk a man who was suspected of stealing
a laptop from the Knight Library. Lillengreen found
a used tampon in his pocket, presumably taken from
Later in Officer Leroy’s shift, at about 4:30 a.m., less
than two hours after the Commentator’s ride-along
ended, an 18-21 year-old intruder was peeping into
the shower area of a women’s floor in Tingle Hall
before entering a woman’s room and removing the
covers as she slept. She awoke and ordered the man
to leave. Luckily, that’s what he did. He left.
It’s silly to think that safety officers can be everywhere
at once. It’s sillier to assume that armed police officers
will stop occurrences like this from happening. The
fact is, police officers are the ones who are charged
with apprehending the perpetrators of crimes small
and large.
Understanding that the world is a shitty place and
will continue as such, we at the Oregon Commentator
believe that police officers, students, staff and
faculty alike have the unalienable right to protect
themselves with firearms on and off campus.
3

MAIL CALL
Dear Editor
Nick, you’re a cunt. I wasn’t going to say it. My plan
was to keep quiet through your little coup d’état and
walk away without saying anything at all. But then
I saw the latest issue-- the original version anyway--
and I decided that it was worth telling you, because
from what I’ve witnessed in the last month, you
might not actually know that you’re a cunt.
It wasn’t that you forced yourself into the EIC
position, even though Ben deserved and earned it.
To be honest I begrudgingly respected the move.
You saw the Commentator heading in a direction
that you thought didn’t match its mission statement,
and you stood up for what you believed in. What
really bothers me is that after Ben stepped down,
and gave in to what you wanted, you didn’t have the
maturity or self-restraint to stop acting like a giant
flappy man-pussy.
Not only did you needlessly insult Ben, you did so
with all the grace and tact of a petty little man-child
who can’t even realize when he’s won. Maybe it’s
because on some level you realize you’re a waste of
space, and coming out on top in any situation baffles
you fundamentally. One can only speculate.
I’m hoping you consider this as a possible submission
for the letter to the editor in the next issue of the
Commentator, as an apology to the needlessly
hurtful things you did to Ben. He worked his ass off
for the magazine, and he deserved a lot better than
the cunty bullshit you pulled. By the way, unless you
weren’t already planning on it, you can go ahead
and take me off the staff e-mail list.
Very sincerely,
William Beare
The Editor-in-Chief responds:
Dear reader and washed-out Commentator,
You seem to know diddly-squat about the Oregon
Commentator’s history and purpose. I suggest you
consult our masthead and, if you have further questions,
you may purchase a hardcover copy By the Barrel: 25
Years of the Oregon Commentator by former OC
Publisher T. Dane Carbaugh for $14.99. It’s a great read.
Send a check with your address and your shipping and
handling is on us.
Oregon Commentator
c/o: ASUO, EMU Suite 4
1228 University of Oregon
Eugene, OR 97403
I did not force my way into the Editor position. Ben may
have been Editor-in-Cheif, but I am Chairman of the
Board and two years his senior. He resigned because we
disagreed on the rightful direction of the magazine. This
is the Oregon Commentator, not the Oregon Jester.
We exist to provide students “an alternative to the leftwing
orthodoxy promoted by other student publications,
professors and student groups.”
As far as you having “begrudgingly respected the move,”
we at the Oregon Commentator (not just me) couldn’t
care less. I righted a wronged ship. And if being a giant
flappy man-pussy is the price of doing the job right, then I
am determined to be the biggest and hairiest giant flappy
man-pussy that I can be.
Fuck you very much.
Nick Ekblad
If you would like the
Oregon
Commentator
to go
fuck itself,
you can send
your thoughts and
comments to editor@
oregoncommentator.com
4

CONTENTS
[Departments]
Mail Call [pg. 4]
Nobody Asked Us, But... [pg. 6]
Another Perspective [pg. 17]
Blow-Spew [pg. 18]
[Features]
[13]
Our Stripper Pole Proposal to Senate...................
8
So You Want a Job......................................................
9
Craigslist Roomies: What to Expect......................... 11
Take Back the Night......................................................... 12
Wake up, Republicans...................................................... 13
[14]
John Brewster: Official Enemy #1............................. 14
Open Letter to the Dean of Faber University.........
17
[3]
5

NOBODY
Restrict High Capacity Liquor
Bottles and Beer Cases!
by Neil Killion
While every spineless liberal in D.C. is calling
for new gun bans, a greater travesty is
happening. Alcohol is killing more than twice as
many Americans as guns.
According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC)
there are approximately 80,000 alcohol-related deaths
every year. Compare that to the approximately
36,000 firearm-related deaths. Alcohol leads to more
accidents than firearms. Almost half of all drivers
who were killed in crashes and tested positive for
drugs also had alcohol in their system. It is time to
do the right thing and get rid of the alcohol.
Why is there is so much uproar over guns but
not the alcohol Instead of banning high capacity
magazines we should be banning high capacity
alcohol bottles. You do not need 18 beers, six should
be plenty. Shouldn’t it
We need to take a stand against this evil killer.
We obviously cannot trust everyday citizens to
drink responsibly. Don’t even get me started on
the unplanned pregnancies, date rape, broken
homes, coyote ugly moments etc. Clearly a required
background check and two week waiting period on
the poisonous killer would be a progressive step in
the eradication of many social diseases and protect
countless innocent men, women, and children.
There is no constitutional right to drink or get drunk.
This should be a no brainer. We are entitled, however,
to the right to pursue happiness. How can we ever
hope to achieve such lofty goals without doing away
with the shackles of poisonous substances
Next Issue:
HATE
What do you hate
Join our conversation
on Google Docs. To
find the link, please
visit:
Less Apathetic Times
http://
oregoncommentator.
com/2013/04/17/hate-acall-to-arms
We also accept any and
all hate spilled in our
comment section.
6

NOBODY
Sudsy Says:
“Chlamydia is not a flower.
...And syphilis is not a Greek God.”
OC
asks ...
Why didn’t you run
for ASUO President
Adolf
Hitler
“I have
limits.”
Law
Professor
“Islamic Neofundamentalists
run the ASUO!”
OC Staff
“That would
require mild
sobriety.”
John
Brewster
“Couldn’t
afford to bribe
students with
t-shirts.”
Sea
Captain
“Arrg!”
Freshman
“What the
fuck is the
ASUO”
GRAPHS
Desktop
Finding solutions
to problems on
tablet or phone
Word processing
YouTube
Web browsing
Showing your friends
Looking like a douche
Happiness
Tablet
Site management
Pornography
Torrents
Playing music
Reddit
Stalking
Communication
Flashlight
Filming cops
Notepad
Intelligence
Smart Phone
Paperweight
Wi-fi hotspot
Taking “selfies”
7

ASUO
Our Very Special Request
by K.A. Clark
As presented to the 
 ASUO on April 10
Appeal
to
the
ASUO‐
the
Stripper
Pole
Special
Request
(as
presented
to
the
ASUO)
Written
by
K.A.
Clark
on
behalf
of
the
women
of
the
Oregon
Commentator
TO
WHOM
IT
MAY
CONCERN:
There
sometimes
comes
a
time
when
something
shocking,
maybe
even
initially
perceived
as
scandalous,
needs
to
happen
to
awaken
the
minds
of
the
over‐burdened
or
apathetic.
Something
almost
radical
needs
to
occur,
to
reengage,
re‐interest,
and
impassion,
people.
At
a
University
where
a
significant
percentage
of
the
student
population
does
not
even
know
that
the
ASUO,
or
that
many
branches
of
the
student
government,
exist,
let
alone
partake
in
this
democratic
process,
it
becomes
tantamount
that
something
be
done.
The
proposed
Stripper
Pole
in
the
Oregon
Commentator
office
would
do
just
this.
It
would
be
a
symbolic
move
forward,
to
regain
the
attention
of
the
student
body.
As
a
stripper
pole
is
traditionally
seen
in
a
negative
light,
as
something
lewd,
seedy,
and
on
the
fringe
of
society,
its
image
within
an
office
at
the
University
of
Oregon
would
most
certainly
incite
attention.
It
is
likely
that
this
attention
may
confuse,
enrage,
or
anger
people,
or
simply
be
seen
as
a
joke,
but
no
matter
what
the
reaction,
it
is
likely
to
be
vehement‐
and
this
is
exactly
what
we
want.
We
would
like
to
provoke
the
University
of
Oregon
student
body
into
thinking,
and
specifically,
into
thinking
about
student
government,
their
roles
and
responsibilities
as
students
at
the
University
of
Oregon,
and
the
ways
in
which
money
is
spent
and
the
governing
process
takes
place
at
our
institution.
The
proposed
stripper
pole
would
thus
serve
as
an
enlightening
discussion
opener
that
will
hopefully
foster
a
vigorous
and
involved
student
community
in
University
politics
and
decision‐making.
What
is
more,
as
a
woman,
this
proposition
is
particularly
poignant
for
me.
Many
may
view
the
stripper
pole
as
a
further
objectification
of
women,
and
may
misunderstand
its
intended
message.
Yet,
in
many
ways,
this
is
the
point.
Inherent
in
thinking
that
a
stripper
pole
symbolizes
the
objectification
of
women
is
sexist
thinking.
It
implies
on
the
level
of
thought,
that
the
new
opportunities
for
the
future
are
imbedded
in
a
tradition
of
male
dominated
society
and
female
objectification,
and
finally
that
only
women
would
ever
use,
or
would
be
likely
to
use,
a
stripper
pole.
These
sort
of
objections
to
a
stripper
pole,
on
the
grounds
of
respecting
the
female
populace,
actually
work
to
codify
the
social
imaginary
of
the
objectification
of
femininity,
as
object,
because
they
work
off
of
the
presuppositions
of
a
priorly
existing
logic
of
what
gender
roles
are,
and
what
femininity
is.
Our
sincere
hope
is
that
we
may
do
away
with
the
shackles
of
perception
that
time,
tradition,
and
imposed
moral
structures
have
fettered
our
minds
with
in
the
past.
In
doing
so
we
hope
to
launch
a
lively
forum
of
discussion
at
the
University
of
Oregon,
in
which
we
can
investigate
the
past
and
have
an
active
hand
in
creating
the
values
of
our
future.
What
is
more,
we
wish
to
cultivate
debates,
interest,
and
vitality
in
our
student
governing
body
and
community,
and
we
see
the
proposed
stripper
pole
as
a
means
to
ignite
this
discussion.
We
hope
that
we
can
count
on
your
support
as
we
move
into
the
next
generation
of
the
Oregon
Commentator
and
of
our
student
community,
and
that
we
may
be
allotted
the
necessary
funds
to
take
on
this
sort
of
social
experiment.
Thank
you
for
your
time
and
consideration,
Women
of
the
Oregon
Commentator
8

ASUO
STATEMENT OF GRIEVANCES WITH SENATE:
• RHETORIC AND JARGON IS MORE
IMPORTANT THAN ACTUALITY: The ASUO
continuously returned to the fact that if the OC
staff had simply called the proposed stripper pole a
“dancing pole,” the proposal would have been more
reasonable and palatable to them. Thus proving
that rhetoric is a deciding factor in the ASUO’s
administrative process and that debating semantics
is more important than the actual issue at hand. It’s
not our fault that the founders of this idea three years
ago named the line item “Stripper Pole Installation.”
• PUBLICITY AS AN INTEGRAL FACTOR
IN THE DECISION-MAKING PROCESS AT THE
ASUO: Repeatedly ASUO senators brought up
the issue of publicity and reputation as a reason
to negate the stripper pole proposal. It is deeply
disconcerting that serious questions about student
government and fiscal spending should be dictated
by the abstract, postulated idea of what hypothetical
opinions might arise after a controversial decision is
made by the ASUO.
• THREATS TO THE “DEMOCRATIC”
PROCESS: “I swear to God, Salazar, I’ll kill you,”
Ben Bowman said to a fellow senator about to issue
a rebuttal to Bowman’s prior comments condemning
the legitimacy of the OC’s special request. We are so
glad to know that we have a student governing body
that upholds the integrity of democracy and fosters
an equitable, open discussion in which all are able
to share their opinions free of the fear of threats…
or rather, it is our sincere hope that one day we will
actually be able to have the sort of democratic forum
that the ASUO attempts to portray itself as.
Senate Vice-President Jeremy Hedlund dismissed
the OC’s request, on the grounds that the discussion
the OC was attempting to generate with the student
body had “already happened” at that night’s ASUO
special requests hearing. We would like to thank
the ASUO for completely missing the point again,
and re-enforcing the idea that student government
at the UO is an elitist activity that only requires 20-
30 people to happen- so with less than .1% of the
student body present, we are thrilled to discover
that the ASUO feels that the “discussion has already
happened” with the student body.
• DETERMING THE OPINION OF THE
STUDENT BODY WITHOUT EVER ASKING ITS
OPINION: Ombudsperson Ben Rudin deemed the
OC’s a “joke request.” Senator Lindy Mabuya called
it “ridiculous” several times throughout the meeting.
What’s more, we at the OC came forth with what we
considered an absolutely serious request, and were
shocked to find our attempt to engage the ASUO in
the democratic process was perceived as a “joke.”
Thank you ASUO for being the moral compass
and voice of the student body, in your unyielding
ability to determine for us that which is a “joke,” and
that which is to be taken seriously. Thank you for
flippantly dismissing a serious inquiry and thank
you even more for passive-aggressively re-inscribing
generations of inequitable gender relations and for
deciding to define what femininity means and is.
• WHAT THIS IRRESPONSIBLE SPENDING
UNDER THE AUSPICE OF REPRESENTING
STUDENT INTERESTS AND DESIRES MEANS
FOR YOU AND WHY THIS SHOULD BE A WAKE-
UP CALL: Really, this is how this whole debate
got started folks. The ASUO regularly authorizes
spending of student money with little hope of
transparency and no hope of engaging the student
body. The Oregon Commentator’s sincere desire to cast
a gigantic spotlight on the contradictions between the
ASUO’s purported “responsible” financial spending
was thwarted that day. Our special request for a
stripper pole was our way of drawing attention to
the ways in which student money is spent and how
the democratic process could work for the desires
and needs of all students. Ultimately, we need you
guys to care about this too, or we are never become
the fiscally responsible and efficient university we
wish to be.
• THE BOTTOM LINE: To be listened to and
to be heard, you’ve got to say something first.
OC
K.A. Clark is a contributor at the Oregon
Commentator and a master debater.
9

STUDENT LIFE
Get Your Shit
When I agreed to write something on the
Career Center at UO and how nobody
knew about it, I realized that I myself did not know
a thing about it. As a sophomore one term away
from becoming a junior, I should probably get my
shit together. Where is it Who is there What do
they do Is there free beer involved
I found out the answers to all of these questions
and more when I took it upon myself to venture
over to the Career Center and see what’s good.
The Career Center is
located in 220 Hendricks
Hall, right across the
street from the EMU
parking lot. I spoke with
Together
Chelsey Augustyniak
and Haley Vigeland,
a career advisor and
assistant to the director
at the Career Center,
respectively. I asked them
to tell me a little about
the services the Career
Center has to offer students at the University of
Oregon. You can meet with a career advisor and
receive an assessment to help guide you toward
figuring out what future career would best fit you.
Realistically, that is. Sorry to all you aspiring lion
tamers out there. They offer workshops that can
help you with resume and cover letter writing,
prepare for an interview, and network.
Speaking of networking, your LinkedIn profile
probably sucks and you just made it for class. Head
on over to the Career Center so they can help you
make it not suck. If your major limits the amount
of internship credits you can take, you can take
additional courses and receive credit through the
Career Center, beating the system like the bad ass
that you think you are.
“Speaking of networking, your
LinkedIn profile probably
sucks and you just made it
for class. Head on over to the
Career Center so they can help
you make it not suck.”
Alumni can use their services for an entire year
for free after they graduate and after the year
has passed they can sign up for a free 30-minute
meeting with a counselor. But let’s head on over
there before you graduate and realize you do not
have a clue what you are doing with your life.
“The earlier you start, the more prepared you’ll
be,” says Augustyniak, and this rule applies for
many aspects of life. Including consuming alcohol.
It’s time to get your shit together. The fun little
bubble you are in called college won’t be funded
by your parents forever,
and after you graduate
it’s all downhill from
there. It’s never too
early to get started
researching a future
career or start an
internship to get your
foot in the door. “The
corner” may start to look
increasingly promising
the longer you wait.
You don’t even have to
pick up your ass from the couch to check out the
Career Center’s website,
http://career.uoregon.edu/ and you don’t have
to pause your “Mob Wives” marathon to check
out their Facebook, Twitter, and other blog posts.
The Career Center is always organizing events
for students to go to including the “Spring Career
Fair” will be on April 25 so plan on checking that
shit out.
OC
Ginger Werner is a contributor at the Oregon
Commentator and is offering creative
“consulting” sessions for $50 an hour.
10

STUDENT LIFE
W h a t t o e x p e c t w i t h
C r a i g s l i s t
R o o m m a t e s
If you have no real friends or only shitty friends
that you would never want to live with, you may
find yourself looking for roommates on Craigslist.
STOP NOW! Don’t go down this dimly lit path.
Get a studio apartment. Are you a needy fuck that
wants to feel loved Well get a dog. Moving in with
random roommates is a serious risk that needs to be
thoroughly thought out before hand and shouldn’t
be taken lightly.
So you think you’ve found
your dream house It’s close
to campus, it has a washer
and dryer, a porch, a backyard
and a monthly rent under
400 dollars SO WHAT
You’re about to move in with
strangers. For all you know,
they could partake in orgies
with senior citizens.
You need to be cautious about
the potential landmine you are
walking into. Don’t get too
excited about the house. The
people living in it are going to make or break your
life in the immediate future.
It is crucial to take an honest assessment of your
potential roommates. When you get a tour of the
place you’re considering, you need to be able to
understand who they are and what they believe.
This isn’t your opportunity to show off your openmindedness
and what a well-rounded person you
are. You need to be able to determine what kind of
asshole’s currently inhibiting your potential living
space.
Stalk their social media because they’ve already
stalked yours. Look around the place because posters
are indicators of tastes and interests. If there are
posters of Bob Marley everywhere, they’re probably
stoners. If it’s neat and tidy, you are expected to be
neat and tidy as well. If there’s a poster of Kourtney
Kardashian on the wall, you should just run and
don’t turn back.
Before you sign the lease, you should have a grownup
discussion about what you expect from one
another. If you hate partying and the people you’re
moving in with expect you to become best party
buddies with them, life can get really awkward.
Are you an obsessive clean freak Your roommates
might take advantage of
you and expect you to be
a live-in housekeeper. Be
honest about yourself and if
you’re in luck, they will be
honest about themselves.
After the initial discussion,
after you’ve signed the lease,
and after you’ve moved in,
you’re going to have to keep
up the communication. If
you have a problem, don’t
ever write it on a stupid
passive-aggressive sticky
note. If you establish
good communication skills in the beginning, it’ll be
easier to keep them up in the future. Don’t send 8
page long texts. Talk to your roommates. They are
human beings, and so are you.
So keep in mind that hundreds of thousands of
people have looked for housing in Eugene before you.
Craigslist is the worst possible option. The worst
of humanity starts here: the worst jobs, the worst
housing, and the worst one-night stands. Instead of
getting the toxic roommates from Craigslist you are
better off renting a studio apartment, meeting new
friends and joining their house.
OC
Cassie Lahmann is a contributor at the Oregon
Commentator and always makes sure to give her
toothbrush a pre-wash.
11

CULTURE
12
Truly
T a k e
B a c k
t h e
Night
have a confession to make: I’m tired of hearing
I of the plight of women as victims of sexual
violence, and I want it to end. Now. I’ve watched the
Take Back the Night events put on by the Women’s
Center, and I’d get behind their efforts if for a second
I thought marching and chanting would prevent one
solitary rape from occurring. But walking in circles
won’t make an iota of difference in the sick mind of
someone set on slaking their violent sexual desires on
an unwilling partner. The only immediately effective
way of dealing with a rapist is by using the necessary
level of force.
This brings us to the crux of the question. Should a
woman use lethal force to defend herself from rape I
feel the answer is an unqualified “YES.” Now, I know
some of my colleagues on the progressive left will
start to squirm at where this conversation is going.
The responses I’ve heard typically go on about the
need to change our sexist society, abolish the rape
culture, or put an end the valuing of women based
on their looks.
While that’s all well and good, we might as well wait
for our Lord and Savior to announce his return tour
while we’re at it. If women are to actually prevent
rapes from occurring, and actually protect themselves
as individuals and not “women” as a social construct,
then it is time we discussed women equipping
themselves with firearms.
If even a small percentage of women decide to obtain
concealed carry permits, say ten percent, you would
see the national rape and sexual assault numbers
take nosedive in short order. Certainly our society
would begin to view women, both as individuals
and as a social bloc, in an entirely new light. If one in
ten women were accessorizing their wardrobes with
products from firms like trendy Glock, traditional and
refined Smith & Wesson, or the oh so chic Sig Sauer.
American society already focuses on what’s on the
outside of women, not inside. We should start caring
about what’s inside... her hands, that is. And believe
this: a woman gripping a pistol has every man’s
(rapist or not) immediate and undivided attention.
As a society we tell women to protect themselves
from social diseases passed to them from sexual
partners by using condoms. When wielded by
properly trained hands, guns can protect women
from uninvited sexual guests. Two radically different
tools, yet they both share one purpose: to protect the
individual woman from immediate threats to her
physical and mental wellbeing.
The concealed carry of handguns also has a beneficial
social effect on those who carry them, firearms act
as inhibitor to many common ill-advised behaviors.
When one puts on a gun, binge drinking and drug
use become abominations.
When walking alone at night the weight of a pistol
secreted on your person sharpens the senses, and
acts as a constant reminder to maintain vigilance.
It reminds you to be on the lookout for persons
exhibiting suspicious or threatening behavior.
Finally, carrying a pistol acts as a reminder that this
world can at times be a dangerous place, and that
the only one responsible for safeguarding our lives
and limbs, is not the police, not society, not our
partners, or our families. No, the only person in the
world responsible for protecting you from harm is
YOURSELF.
As an old advertisement from Colt’s Manufacturing
once said: “Fear no man, no matter what his size. Call
on me, and I’ll equalize.”
OC
Nick Holden is a contributor at the Oregon
Commentator , a twelve-year marine .

POLITICS
WAKE UP, REPUBLICANS
The Growth and Opportunity Project recently
released a report with the same name describing
the things the Republican Party needed to do to
start winning again at the federal level. The report
recommends things like: hiring people to work
within minority groups, such as female, youth, and
gay communities; making the Party more inclusive;
promoting the Party at the state level, where there
have been large numbers of Republican wins; and
getting better media coverage (not just television,
but social media as well). These are good points—
common sense to anyone not in the Washington, D.C.,
environment— but the report misses the essential
point that has to be addressed. The Republican Party
needs to get back to the conservative values in which
it is rooted: limited government, personal freedom,
and free markets.
they are true followers. One of the main issues with
Romney and McCain was no one believed they were
conservative. That being said, Romney’s business
background would have done much better than
Obama’s community organizer background. Quit
running moderate candidates; it has not worked!
2. Focus on the majority of issues that people
can agree upon; not the minority of issues that they
do not. Those majority issues include: a balanced
budget, national defense, entitlement reforms and
so on. The minority of issues: marriage equality,
reproductive rights, and whether or not a person
has a 20oz soda; do not affect how the government is
operated and should not be a distraction. If the party
is following the Constitution then these issues will
not have any role in the debate.
These values were the framework by which the
Declaration of Independence and the Constitution
were designed around. These values must be the
foundation of the party. Paragraph two of the
Declaration of Independence states: “We hold these
truths to be self-evident, that all men are created
equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with
certain unalienable Rights, that among these are
life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” These
unalienable rights—protected by; not given by, the
government—should provide the guide to everything
the party does from the candidates it runs to the
policies it pursues. This alone could convince those
Republicans that have chosen to stay home instead
of voting for the best of the worst to come back to the
table and most important the voting booth.
It’s with those principles in mind that I offer my
streamlined proposal; counter to their 100-page
report.
1. Recruit presidential candidates that believe
in the core values and principles of conservatism.
Start by recruiting Republican governors that have
a proven track record of conservative policies and
decisions within their states. These candidates
have the executive experience needed for the office
of President and these are the candidates that can
articulate the message of conservatism best because
3. Everyone in the Party; from the candidates
to the precinct chair people, must learn to articulate
and fight for the values. When an attack is made by
opponents they have to be able to show how that
is not true and where the party stands on an issue.
The Constitution is color-blind and gender-neutral.
Young and old can benefit from conservative
policies. If the party can show how all benefit from an
increased level or freedom and limited government
then it will naturally engage minority groups within
our country including women, youth, gays, and
immigrants. These groups will be more likely to get
behind the party if they believe the candidates and
the party.
My recommendations are a starting point. I am
offering a path for the Republican Party to regain its
place at the top of the political ladder in America.
Having better data collection or better organized
Get Out the Vote campaigns will only work if the
Republican Party becomes something Americans
can once again believe in. Otherwise, if the party
continues down its current path, it will eventually
cease to exist.
OC
Neil Killion is a contributor at the Oregon
Commentator and a true Libertarian.
13

SOCIETY
JOHN BREWSTER
Well-meaning LTD Nutsack Man is offical enemy #1
Also known as the LTD Screamer, the 60-yearold
wig enthusiast and alleged nut-lickee has
been displaced from his rightful home. Disputes with
the city of Springfield, its Police Department and
one Mary Grace Hickok have proved costly for the
Lane County icon. He believes that the city officials
unfoundedly see him as a nuisance and are trying to
run him out of town. A recent string of events sheds
light on the problems faced by homeless mentally ill
persons in the area.
The day before New Year’s Eve last December, near
the Springfield Public Library, Brewster noticed
a homeless woman in need and asked if she was
hungry. He brought her to his house in Springfield
so she could eat. She said she was cold and tired, so
Brewster brought her a sleeping bag. She then asked
for cigarettes but Brewster, a non-smoker, refused
to buy her any. She then asked him for beer and he
agreed to go to the store to buy her some. When
he returned he put a movie in for her to keep her
comfortable. She then asked for drugs.
“And so I flipped out on her, told her to leave.
When she got up, I saw she was stealing from me,”
Brewster said.
began making oinking noises. The bouncer outside
Brickhouse Tavern rebuked Brewster. Polkadotclad
atop his bicycle, Brewster turned around
around and continued oiking. An angered patron
of Brickhouse came out of the tavern while a police
car was approaching from the opposite direction.
The patron began beating Brewster. The officer then
chased him into the tavern and arrested both him
and Brewster.
“But I didn’t do anything wrong. I spent five days
in jail without a phone call or talking to my lawyer,”
Brewster says. “After three days without eating or
drinking, ‘cause I wanted them to listen to me, they
tricked me into drinking some water.”
Brewster alleges that the guards probably drugged
him. They told him they would give him his mother’s
phone number if he drank some water. He could
have drank from the faucet but that they wanted
him to drink from a specific glass of water.
“After the sip of water, my head felt like a pitcher
of water filling from the neck up, almost like I was
drowning,” Brewster said. “I never felt anything
like it and can’t really explain it right.”
The woman fled and when Brewster stepped
outside, he noticed she had stolen a bike from his
yard.
Brewster immediately went to Springfield Police
Department to file a report. While approaching
the police station, the First Amendment activist
Brewster then panicked and drank the water his
teeth were soaking in. It didn’t help, so he drank
some clean toilet water. He still felt dehydrated.
But the officials at Springfield Municipal Jail gave
him the wrong phone number. “I tried it five times
and the first 60 seconds is free, so why wouldn’t my
14

SOCIETY
mother answer” The guards then said they would
give him the correct number the next day. However,
the next day Brewster was given the same number
to call. This infuriated him. It was not his mother’s
phone number.
In addition to this alleged drugging, Brewster says
that before seeing the judge, he asked for his glasses
in order to fill out the necessary forms for applying
for a public defender. The officials denied that he
came in with glasses. They told him they would
bring him glasses, but two more days would pass as
they ignored his request. Later, when released, his
property was returned to him, including his glasses
and his cell phone, containing his mother’s real
phone number.
When talking to the judge, Brewster took issue with
the police report because it noted the incident as
having taken place outside Brickhouse Tavern on
January 1, 2013, rather than the day before. Brewster
believes that this discrepancy is emblematic of how
the City of Springfield treats him. His request to be
submitted to a lie-detector test was denied by the
judge because such evidence is inadmissable in a
court of law.
“And then he upped the bail on me, just for asking,”
Brewster said.
Brewster, being vocal and animated about his
complaints, was put into a padded room which he
believes hasn’t been cleaned once since the jail was
built two years ago.
“Hair and shit growing everywhere,” Brewster said.
Brewster said he was unable to sleep for 30 days
after being released because of the questionable
glass of water he drank. He went to City Hall the
very next day in order to complain about this and
the lack of cleanliness in the padded room. Now,
he reports getting at most two hours of sleep every
night and that he is still unable to get proper sleep.
At City Hall, he was told that something would
be done to address the problem in Springfield
Municipal Jail. The next day, Brewster returned to
City Hall in order to check up on his complaint. He
wanted to know if they had followed through on
their word.
“I wasn’t in there but five or ten seconds and three
cops came in to boot me out of there! They just came
in telling me to leave and didn’t hear what I had to
say. They don’t care,” Brewster said.
He urged that this is part of the larger purpose of
running him out of town. He says that the very next
day, the electric company came and cut his power.
He says that they didn’t notify him prior to his
power being shut off and he didn’t have a chance to
make the improvements that they see as necessary.
“The [garage] wall was rotted out, so I tore it down,”
he said. That was last fall. The wall contained a live
power box under which Brewster placed a post “so
if it fell, it wouldn’t go anywhere.” The day after his
power was cut, his house was condemned and he
was unable to occupy it. Brewster has been homeless
since early January.
For close to a year, Brewster has been in the process
of buying the property in question from Mary Grace
Hickok on a Land Sales Contract for $50,000 ($313
per month).
“It’s my house, but she won’t sign the deed over to
me, wants to give me $500 to go away,” John said.
Mary Grace Hickok claims that Brewster failed to
buy homeowner’s insurance.
“Which is crazy, because the house isn’t in my name
yet!” Brewster said, visibly exasperated.
Brewster wants to make the necessary repairs on
his house and is seeking home improvement grants
as well as outside help from local construction
companies. However, his various complaints to
Hickok as well as City Hall and Springfield Police
Department are not acknowledged.
But John Brewster does not give up that easily.
He is man of hope and confidence. Although he
has been banned from the University of Oregon
campus, Springfield City Hall, Public Library, and
the church on 10th and G where food boxes are
given out, he can’t be missed pedaling around Lane
County exercising his unbridled right to freedom of
speech. With wide eyes and a contorted smile, his
intermittent belts of enthusiastic protest lighten the
mood of any given day. Eccentricities aside, John
is just another man looking for a roof to cover his
head, an ear to listen to his voice and a tongue to lick
his sweaty, shaven nutsack.
OC
Nicholas Ekblad is the Editor-in-Chief at the
Oregon Commentator and has a hidden
desire for Brewster’s wardrobe.
15

AP
Update your wardrobe and take
your friends to school for just $10!
Show them you are confident and
sexy with a Sudsy t-shirt. Email us at
editor@oregoncommentator.com
16

AP
Another Perspective
- On Drones -
I
Another Perspective is the place the OREGON COMMENTATOR gives to students of dissenting opinion and/or
who are not connected with any campus media outlet a chance to make their voice heard, regardless of political affiliation, race or
religion. We do not edit the submissions-- they are published as they are received and are accepted even if your ideology differs from
ours. If you would like to write for AP, please email us at editor@oregoncommentator.com
fucking love
surprises. Surprises
are the best, you literally
don’t see them coming.
So personally, I would
love to die unexpectedly.
Walk out in the street
and BOOM, a 30-ton
truck hits you and all
that’s left is a vapor of
meat and blood. Now,
the US armed forces have
the ultimate weaponized
surprise: The aerial
attack drone. This
weaponized surprise has
several advantages over
previous methods and
tactics.
Unmanned drones
are basically radiocontrolled
attack
robots that can unleash
absolute destruction on
a required target. It takes
the soldiers out of harm’s
way. No longer do they
need to risk their lives in some foreign battlefield,
instead they can comfortably sit on a base with an
Xbox controller and designate targets for the drone.
Yes, you read it right; all those hours of grinding
COD can actually be used to for something.
Secondly, these drones have an unmatched
combination of mobility, range and power. Which
makes them vastly more effective than almost
anything else the United states have in its arsenal.
This means that less soldiers and les money is needed
to accomplish goals.
Instead of sending an
entire army we can now
use a couple of drones to
do the exact same thing.
Despite all these
advantages there have
been rumblings and
raised voices against the
drones. Mainly because
of its usage as surfaced
documents show that
the US government
has targeted American
citizens with drones
without trial. While
I agree that this is an
alarming issue it is not
unexpected at all. I mean,
we’re talking about the
same country that trained
a cat to spy on soviets and
experimented with LSD
as mind control so crazy
shit has to be expected
from US government.
Furthermore, this is
only about a small part of how the US uses drones,
therefore it should not really affect the overall
strategy, which boils down to increased drone
utilization. This increase is the exact right way to go.
The days of huge armies meeting each other head
on is gone, we are moving toward an era where
mobility and precision is valued the most. These
drones will stop the nation from going to war and
locking us in a war we won years ago yet we’re still
in it (thanks, Bush).
17

BLOW
A Blow To Democracy
“ Man left in solitary confinement in New Mexico jail for 22
months . . .”
In August 2005, Stephen Slevin was booked in New Mexico
County Jail for drunk driving. He went in a “well nourished physically
healthy adult” and left with a long beard, bed sores, fungal and dental
problems, and a weight of 133 pounds. Because Slevin had a history of
“mental illness” he was separated from the general population and put
in solitary confinement and forgotten about. Untreated, Slevin’s mental
illness worsened as he slowly lost grip of his sanity. After twenty-two
months he was released and his charges dismissed. Slevin was awarded
$15.5 million but continues to deal with medical issues and lung
cancer.
“City says cops had no duty to protect subway hero who
subdued killer”
A mentally ill man who had been on a “stabbing rampage” that
involved four fatalities across Brooklyn and Manhattan boards the
subway and walks to the conductors door and demands to be let in.
Inside the compartment are two cops in fear of their lives and the
idea that the mentally ill man is armed. The mentally ill man walks
away, turns to the first person he sees (Joe Lozito), and begins
stabbing him in the head and upper body with a kitchen knife.
Lozito puts it all on the line and is able to subdue his assailant, but
not before receiving multiple wounds. He almost bled to death.
In the end the cops took credit for subduing Lozito’s assailant
and gave each other high fives. Lozito is now suing NYPD for
not doing their job when they were clearly on the scene. But you
should already know from Warren vs. District of Columbia that
police are not responsible for protecting citizens, so have no doubt
that Lozito will lose the lawsuit.
18

SPEW
On Sweet an’ Savory
“For those too scared to assemble this creation overloaded
with carbs and deliciousness at the same time – I am still
alive, and here’s how you can make it yourself.”
-Quote by Nicholas Filipas from the Daily Emerald regarding
how to make and cook burger patties stacked with eggs and bacon
stuffed within a glazed doughnut. I don’t know much about Paula
Deen and southern cooking, but I think that Mr. Filipas might
be responsible for the soda ban in New York. ...OR this is simply
a two-month-old post that the Emerald regurgitated to print in
order to fill space.
On the ASUO
Growing up near Orange County, Calif., attending the University of Oregon wasn’t Allison’s first
choice. [. . .] “It starts with campaigning, respecting students and listening to students. It doesn’t
help that the students feel like they’re just pawns that candidates use for votes to get reelected.”
-Quote by ASUO senator Taylor Allison a Daily Emerald article titled “Sen. Taylor Allison speaks to the
importance of a bipartisan government”. It appears Taylor Allison has an inflated sense of self-worth. We
think that her face is a liability and that she should reflect on why she wasn’t able to get into her Californian
universities that were her first choice.
On Justice
“A possible, no doubt unintended consequence of
the Social Host Ordinance is that it could transform
normal, rowdy house parties into stages for social
protest.”
-Quoting Jacob O’Gara in the Daily Emerald where
he blatantly admits difficulty in distinguishing real life
from that feel-good high school overcoming adversity
movie that is on repeat in his head.
19

OC
FUCK
OC
OSPIRG
The Oregon Commentator, crossing the line
and jumping rope with it since 1983.