Helping-Young-People-Succeed

How to deal with noise and distractions
by Alan Rodway
PERFORMANCE

PERFORMANCE
Helping young people
succeed...
We often write about success in organisations and teams but is
there a topic more important than helping young people succeed If
you (sometimes) have a child under your responsibility, helping them
to succeed in life will burn for you. This article looks at how.
The suggestions in this article come from many of us inside Leap
Performance who are parents, guardians, coach sport or have (had)
significant responsibility for younger people. Our suggestions are
based on our experience and what makes sense to us…no more
and no less. Dr Pippa Grange is, however, a formally qualified
performance psychologist.
To be successful, young people will have to grow into adults who have
healthy relationships, enjoy financial security/choice/freedom, are
healthy and fit, become the person they want to become, and have
a career that’s rewarding and enjoyable. Not too many people can
claim all of that…cos it’s bloody difficult…that’s why the help we
give young people is critical.
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Dr Pippa Grange
Performance Psychologist
One is that we have to teach young
people to be resilient. There is a difference
between hard/tough and being strong,
and ideally we teach young people to be strong enough to be
able to honestly look set backs in the eye and bounce back from
adversity, rather than pretend that adversity doesn’t happen, that it
is somehow ‘odd’ rather than normal, or that adversity should be
avoided at all costs (which can end up with a ‘don’t try’ attitude so
that failure is circumnavigated). Young people need to persist with
challenges and when things are not going their way, to reflect,
change something, keep moving, etc. Resilience is the greatest
asset for young people.
a young person if you are prepared to model vulnerability. It sets
up realistic expectations rather than perfectionistic ones. If you say
you are stressed, feel like you’re not on top of things, feel hurt,
disappointed, fed-up, etc. it is less uncool for them to say it too. But
be cool about it :-)
The third thing is teaching young people to reflect and be mindful.
It is something most of us are still rubbish at as adults, but it is a
habit and one best formed early. To consider what you are doing,
and whether it’s what you intended to do (especially in relation
to interactions with others) is a brilliant skill and a good basis for
sound leadership at any level. One big advantage young people
have is that they are in the moment, they stay in today rather than
tomorrow—imagine making that a habit for success!
Two is that we need to let young people know they can show
vulnerability and it’s completely fine. When young people are
finding their identity they can experiment with all sorts of different
attitudes and personas (again, normal), withdraw from relationships
and form new ones, and they can be at the whim of all sorts of
moods (not their fault!). It gets hard to say they feel crap/sad/
angry…especially if they don’t know why. It is a huge gift to give
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Alan Rodway
Performance & Business Coach
1. Young people are not us and they
shouldn’t have any pressure on them to
become us. The only influence we should
have over them should be ‘pure’...that which is best for them; not
to become mini me’s. And there should be no implied nor indirect
pressure to become us…as in nil encouragement of any behaviour,
decision or direction that doesn’t replicate our path but consistent
encouragement for all of those that do.
and astutely. It may be that our ‘off days’ in the way we communicate
with them are misinterpreted as being fundamental to what we think
(of them) and that can be less than productive for them in their
overall development.
4. In past sales management roles, I used a psychologist to run some
sessions with the sales teams. Dunno how he got onto this bit but I’ll
never forget him saying, “Don’t worry so much about what you say
to your kids but worry like hell about what they see you do.” That’s
just a very powerful way of stating the essence of influence…“take
your lead from my behaviours.”
2. Three words: tough, fair, caring. Nail those three aspects in
behaviours and communication with younger people, and the rest
is a lot easier. One without the other two doesn’t work and neither
does two without the third…go through them and consider the effect
on a young person if one of them is missing (in their perception).
3. Perception is just that. We adults use the saying ‘perception is
reality’…it’s the same for juniors. Whatever they perceive is their
reality, so we have to be astute at noticing their perceptions. Yes,
young people are perceptive, but they can also get it wrong
sometimes, and those misperceptions should be addressed quickly
5. It is the parent/guardian who must accept the responsibility for
being the role model for their children. Of course every child will
be influenced by others in one way or another and young people
will stray, take risks, and experiment…but if they have been given
a solid grounding, they are more likely to revert to fundamentally
sound behaviours.
RESILIENCE
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6. A challenge for everyone influencing young people’s behaviours
is “Encouragement versus Driving.” I reckon this is common sense (not
all that common in supply sometimes). If we drive young people too
hard, it can have (significant) negative consequences for them. And
I don’t believe there is too fine a line between encouragement and
driving…that’s more often an excuse for when we ‘dumb parent’ or
‘dumb coach’ and get caught up in what we think the young people
should be doing to succeed. “Encourage all the time; drive when
your common sense tells you to.”
encourage
7. Experiencing adversity and loss is an absolute part of life and
young people need to experience those aspects as well…don’t
try to (overly) protect them from these realities. And remember that
when they go through it, they are likely to replicate the behaviours
they have witnessed in their role models. So, we have to be bloody
good ourselves when things don’t work for us or when we don’t
win…we have to be respectful, look at ways we could have done
better, be congratulatory; not sulk or get angry with others. On the
opposite side of the coin, the same behaviours need to be engaged
by us, as role models, when we ‘win’, especially the humility and
respect of others.
8. Emotional withholding, say the psychologists, is one of the
worst instruments for getting young people to behave in particular
ways. Care, affection and love are an absolute part of any human
relationship, and behavioural coaching is just that…about behaviour.
Mixing them up is, at least, confusing and, at worst, damaging.
Keep the two separate in the perception and practical experience
of young people in our care.
9. There are different forms of “intelligence” and there is a whole
body of research that shows this to be true…and it translates into high,
medium and low level competency across an array of ‘activities’…
different subject areas in education, hands on activities, perception,
memory, etc. It’s so important to get this through to younger people…
that there is no such thing as being ‘smart’ or ‘dumb’…but that we
all have intelligence in some specific areas. My own opinion is
that because traditional education (less so now) has concentrated
so heavily on what were regarded as core subject areas (Maths,
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Language, Science) that, if a child wasn’t good at those, it was so
easy for them to regard themselves as unintelligent…when, in fact,
they will have had intelligence in different areas to the core subjects.
10. Homework…don’t do it for them…do it with them! Doing it for
them doesn’t help them; it just saves the parent/guardian/helper
time. In fact, apply this principle to many things we could do for
young people rather than help guide them through activities for
themselves.
BE your best
11. Teach young people the Tommy Hafey rule…it’s not about being
‘the best’…it’s about being ‘your best’. Love that. Because being
‘your best’ is under our control. I often hear sales people and others
in business quoting their goals to be ‘the number one sales person
in the company/district’ or ‘the number one business in...’ That’s
ridiculous…we can’t control the behaviour nor performance of others.
Focus on that which you can control…your own behaviours. That’s a
most helpful lesson to teach young people; it’s also less stressful. Of
course the goals of ‘winning’, ‘being number one’, ‘being the best’
are important but they’re not behavioural and should not be the
focus. It’s more a matter of ‘do your best’ and the result is a success
in itself.
12. This is slightly related to the previous point. There has clearly
been a shift in recent years away from promoting (or even allowing)
competition for younger people, including in schools. It’s become more
about involvement (for want of a better phrase) than competition…more
difficult (or impossible) to ‘fail’ or ‘lose’…as long as there’s involvement
then that’s regarded as ‘winning’ (and, like at the carnival, ‘every player
wins a prize’). I don’t have a problem with that conceptually; makes
sense to encourage and reward participation in our young people.
The problem I do have with the approach is that the ‘real world’ kicks
in after school years and young people do compete for jobs, spots in
adult sports teams, even social standing. I suppose the rationale is that
they are older then and better equipped to handle the competition…
I’m not so sure of that. First, the switch from involvement to competition
is almost instantaneous; second, coping with competition (especially
when you don’t win!) requires practice. Maybe we’ve gone too far
‘the other way’ in the way reward involvement for younger people
One to ponder. And ‘losing’ can grow humility and empathy for those
others, for those times when we ‘win.’
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Simon Madden
ex Teacher, elite AFL past player,
Performance & Business Coach
Regardless of what we say, young people
will take risks…whether we like it or not
and even if we tell them not to. Risk taking is part of life and it’s what
we want good leaders to do. Not unplanned, random, dangerous
risks but rather informed, calculated, appropriate risks. And if we
don’t let young people take risks, they will take risks on their own,
away from our jurisdiction.
We need to help young people take the right risks that let them
fail, learn, survive, succeed, understand who they are and become
independent. Sports, music, art, dancing, debating, theatre and
anything else that puts them into a position of performance, creativity,
discipline, competition and measurement that have regulated
parameters controlling the amount of risk and the relative outcomes
are vital to the healthy development of youth.
The failure part of the equation is so important. If we don’t fail we
don’t learn. The singer Jessie J, has a song on Youtube – “Who You
Are” – with over 47 million views and the most relevant words for
me are, “it’s okay not to be okay.” The world is not always “good”,
our situation is not always “fine.
John Worsfold
elite AFL past player, ex Coach West Coast
Eagles, Performance and Business Coach
Young people are very observant,
particularly of their sports heroes. They
observe and often mimic their on field/court/track characteristics
and behaviours. These days, they also read their heroes’ thoughts
and beliefs via several social media avenues.
Elite sportspeople, including some West Coast Eagles players I have
coached, have been known to question whether they are role models
or not. As though they have a choice. They are highly visible, with
people are paying to see them in action and they are actually paid
to be visible. So, like it or not, anyone in the public arena is a role
model and does affect the behaviours of others, including young
people. Not necessarily their whole values and beliefs system, but
the more publicly displayed actions and beliefs are definitely going
to influence young people who are developing their own set of
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values and beliefs. Whether this represents a responsibility they
should take on or not is a different point; it’s a fact they impact
young people’s behaviours.
Liz Ellis
Lawyer, elite Australian netball past player
and captain, Corporate Board member
One of the great joys of my professional
life has been running and coaching at the
Liz Ellis Netball Clinics which have operated now for 18 years.
Over that time I have coached approximately 30,000 young
netball players, so my observations on how we help young people
succeed are based on hands on experiences rather than any formal
qualification.
they really don’t get a sense of how to behave day to day from that
person. That’s not to say young people shouldn’t have external role
models, who are a often a great example of what can be achieved
through hard work and application. Rather, the external role model
will show what can be achieved, whilst the role model closest to
home can show how these things are achieved.
The day to day contact with parents is what determines a child’s
behaviour. It’s so easy it is to figure out which kid belongs to which
parent at the end of a coaching clinic…its not just genetics, its
idiosyncrasies and personalities as well.
The thing I see most often is that young people are continually
searching for clues on how to behave, by looking for people to
model their behaviour on. Often in society that is talked about as
sports stars or celebrities being role models, but in reality parents
are the true role models for their young people. Sure, their young
people might admire a sports star or a guitar player or an actor, but
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So how does all that translate to helping young people succeed
It doesn’t mean always being successful. Rather, it means spending
some time reflecting on the sort of person you want your kid to be
and honestly asking yourself whether you are showing them the
way though your own behaviour. For example, most parents would
agree with the statement that they want their children to have good
manners, yet I am staggered by the amount of parents who ask for
a photo or autograph for their kid at the end of the day and don’t
say please or thank you. Most do, but quite a few don’t, and it is
no surprise that their young people lack manners too.
Steve Moneghetti
elite past marathon runner, 2006 Victorian
Father of the Year, Chef de Mission
Australian Commonwealth Games team
In my role as a father I try to be exactly that, a Dad and not Steve
Moneghetti the marathon runner. But I certainly use many of my
experiences in the advice I provide to our four children.
ROle Model
So think about the role model you are, and consider whether it’s the
role model you want to be. Being a role model doesn’t mean being
perfect; it means being mindful of the way you show your young
people how to deal with triumphs and adversity, and importantly
that success is more than how much money you earn or what sort
of car you drive.
First, I identify an area of interest and engage with them through
this channel...with so much competition for attention these days it is
the only way to do it. I find that advice is best given after a strong
relationship has been developed and this takes work and time.
Second, I have learnt that there are no right or wrong answers
but rather an outcome arrived at by fruitful discussion involving all
parties. I often find myself biting my lip early on but then being
pleasantly surprised at what transpires in the discussion, the likes of
which would never have occurred if I lectured rather than listened.
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Third, it’s important to be a positive role model through our own
actions and by going further in providing practical examples of our
actions to strengthen a point in the discussions. Nothing confirms a
message better to young people than a practical example.
Fourth, I make sure I am there for significant events in our children’s
world. I remember being very excited talking to our daughter Emma
about our upcoming trip to London for a race and expecting her
to be similarly excited to which she replied “I am going to miss my
‘kinder’ friends”. The event was very important in my world but less
so in hers obviously! Try to put yourself in their shoes and you will
see the situation in a different light and this may alter your actions
in some cases.
commodities often in short supply in this modern, fast paced world.
Take the time because it is certainly worth the effort.
John Dingeldei
adman, marketer, university lecturer and
team member of Leap Performance
Several years ago, I had the privilege to
develop a brand and launch a campaign
for the Safety House Association called Streetskills—a program to
teach parents and their children how to safely navigate situations
young people face daily in life.
Fifth, we were all young once and we lived through many highs
and lows as we found our way in the world and it’s important to
keep in view how we used to behave ‘back then’, to context our
own young people’ behaviours.
Finally, the most valuable experiences I have with young people, our
children included, is when we spend time together with no agenda…
just hanging out. No pressure, no expectations, no outcomes other
than a shared experience. All that takes is time and effort, two
One of the key insights that lead to the development of the program
was that, because most parents now drive their kids to school, by
the time they reach secondary school, they have had little or no
experience travelling by themselves on public transport or crossing
roads. This means they will be confronted with situations they are
ill-prepared to handle without personal safety education. Statistics
show that young people are particularly vulnerable to being struck
as pedestrians and frequently innocent victims of violence on the
streets. Streetskills teaches young people how to safely navigate
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situations they will encounter through life by helping them develop
pre-planned strategies to keep them from harm.
Through my involvement with the Streetskills program I learned that
being overprotective as a parent can actually put young people
at greater risk as they gain more independence. Driving our kids
around and avoiding dangers means they are not exposed to
personal safety situations and so we miss opportunities to teach
our kids how to stay safe. If children are to grow emotionally into
healthy independent adults they must learn to assess and manage
risks.
circumstances such as a missed bus, no credit on the mobile, spent
train fare, a last minute opportunity to go to a new friend’s house or
any other thing that may crop up before there is a chance to consult.
I have found this technique useful in other areas too. Role playing
moral and ethical dilemmas that young people are likely to face
helps prepare them. Talking with parents or other adults about issues
such as drugs, sex, peer pressures, bullying, arguing, relationships
and other life events provides a platform for better decision-making
when young people are confronted with reality on their own.
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experience
One way to do this is to initiate communication between parent and
child and encourage ongoing family conversations about safety.
This empowers young people by making them aware of their own
safety and allows them to make decisions about their actions based
on discussions previously held within the home. Parents and their
children plan the actions that will be taken in the event of unforeseen
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Email: alan@leapperformance.com.au
Mobile: + 61 404 177 094
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