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Harlem News Group
THE ALPHABETS OF LIFE: “Q”
QUIT THE BLAME GAME
By La-Verna Fountain
HARLEM . QUEENS . BROOKLYN . BRONX
EXPRESSIONS
Have you ever met people who
blame others for their woes?
That used to be me. I was
raised in a dysfunctional family. My
father was a functional alcoholic. We
were poor. My school counselors did
not encourage me to get ahead. I was
a single mother. I was on welfare. I
married an alcoholic. My older brothers
were pretty messed up. We have a
ton of mental illness in our family; we
hear voices. Many relatives either
drank themselves to death or committed
suicide. I might have left out a
few traumas, but for the most part that
just about covers it.
At the end of my sob story I
am left with one question, “And?”
The reality is that my story is similar
to many, many other stories. Some
are much worse than mine and others
not as bad. In my life I’ve only
encountered two individuals who had
that storybook life. People raised by
both biological parents, parents who
were loving and fit the stereotype of
the all-American nuclear family.
They were a bit strange to me.
I remember once explaining
how a cousin molested me. I was
bothered but not a great deal. One of
my storybook friends asked if I
thought my feelings were normal. I
did. It was normal in my life’s circumstances.
It was not at all unusual
for girls my age to be groped inappropriately
and against their will by an
older man. I know more girls that
have that (and worse) as part of their
history, than I know of girls who
don’t have some type of abuse in their
past.
Still, at the end of the day, I
am left with the same question,
“And?” And what do I want my life
to be about now? Shall I spend my
life looking backwards? Do I want to
spend all of my time blaming someone
or will I take the time to look at
all of the positive things that have
taken place in my life?
The same alcoholic father
clothed and fed me, cheered me on,
and loved me. The counselors that
did not encourage me to be my best
self were struggling to achieve their
own personal dreams and smiled
when I expressed mine. A family burdened
with mental illness demonstrated
unbelievable courage confronting
their own demons daily and more
times than not rose above those challenges
to work, raise families and
help others. An alcoholic ex-husband
gave me a loving family of in-laws
who to this day embrace me as one of
their own. My molestation allowed
me to have understanding, compassion
and empathy for other women
and men who have been abused.
My time on welfare, raising a
child as a single parent created within
me strength, determination and
courage to work hard for what I want.
For every negative in my life, there
has been a corresponding blessing. I
prefer avoiding negatives. I prefer
receiving my blessings without the
pain. Life simply doesn’t operate that
way.
The next time you want to
blame something or someone in your
past for things that have gone wrong,
stop and think. Can you find any corresponding
blessing? If not, look
harder. What lesson did you learn? If
you can think of no lesson learned,
then you need to spend time looking
harder.
Quit the blame game and
replace it with the blessing game.
You’ll be surprised at how much better
you will feel.
La-Verna Fountain is the
President and Founder of the Defiant
Hope Consulting and Training Company,
author of The Alphabets of Life:
A Simple Guide to Simply Living and
an Instructor at Columbia University
in the City of New York. She can be
reached at defianthope@yahoo.com
or visit her website at www.defianthope.com
Harlem News Group August 30, 2012
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