Families

THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015
family will generally reach as a unit
to balance itself. In addicted family
systems, this becomes a dysfunctional
sort of balance. Family members can
become consumed by the disease to
such an extent they lose their sense
of normal. Their life becomes about
hiding the truth from themselves,
their children and the world around
them. Trust and faith in an orderly and
predictable world is challenged as their
family life becomes chaotic, promises
are broken and those they depend
upon for support and stability behave
in untrustworthy ways. Both children
and adults in the family may lose their
sense of themselves and on whom and
what they can depend. Because the
disease of addiction is progressive,
family members seamlessly slip into
patterns of relating that become
increasingly more dysfunctional.
Family members may withdraw into
their own private worlds or compete
for the little love and attention that is
available. In the absence of reliable
adults, children in the system may
become “parenti ed” and try to
provide the care and comfort that
is missing for each other. During
early childhood years, living in this
intense emotional environment can
set up a fear of feeling or patterns of
attachment that are lled with anxiety
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and ambivalence. In their youth,
children of addicted parents may feel
overwhelmed with powerful emotions
that they are developmentally illequipped
to process and understand
and often lack the family support
they need. As a result, they may
resort to severe internal defenses,
such as shutting down their own
feelings, denying there is a problem,
rationalizing, intellectualizing, overcontrolling,
withdrawing, acting out or
self medicating, as a way to control
their inner experience of chaos.
The addiction devolves healthy family
functioning and the dominating family
rule: “Don’t talk, Don’t trust, Don’t feel”
extends to everyone in the system.
This results in a kind of emotional and
psychological constriction, where
family members do not feel free to
express their authentic selves for fear
of triggering disaster; their genuine
feelings are often hidden under
strategies for keeping safe, like pleasing
or withdrawing. The family becomes
more and more organized around
trying to manage the unmanageable
disease of addiction. They become
remarkably skilled at walking on
eggshells, ready to run for emotional
or physical shelter or to erect their
defenses at the rst sign of trouble.
Broad swings,
from one end of
the emotional,
psychological and
behavioral spectrum
to the other, all too
often characterized
the addicted family
system.
Because family members avoid sharing
subjects that might lead to more pain,
they often wind up avoiding genuine
connection with each other and
are left with overwhelming amounts
of emotional pain. Ultimately these
painful feelings tend to build up and rise
to the surface in emotional eruptions
or get acted out through impulsive
behaviours, often at the expense of the
individual and/or those close to them.
Within this context the guilt and shame
family members feel about the erratic
behaviour within their walls often
keeps them isolated and from seeking
outside support and unknowingly sets
up the addicted family to become a
closed system that both maintains the
addiction and perpetuates trauma.
This destructive cycle profoundly
affects the internal world of each
person, their relationships and their
ability to communicate and be
together in a balanced, relaxed and
trusting manner. Unless the “elephant
in the living room” is interrupted
and outside support is sought, it will
continue to increase in size and force
and the family will be further squashed
under its weight.
For many family members this journey
takes a tremendous toll; they are tired,
angry, confused and at times hopeless.
Many desperately hang onto the
hope that their loved one will sober
up and put an end to their own and
the addict’s suffering. For some, when
their loved one enters treatment, it is
the rst time they are able to breathe
in a very long time, and just maybe,
believe it is safe to hope again. Hope
that if the addict quits using, all will be
OK. And although treatment for the
addict is certainly a good rst step, just
like the addiction itself, the process of
recovery is complex and progressive.
Research shows that the emotional
turbulence within a family produced