Currents Magazine Winter 2015

of the room, grated at his sensibilities.
“Yes … I know this Shiva but my issue is
similar. I’m tired of people taking property
over my name and image.”
“Yeah. Those ‘South Park’ guys were so
mean,” Buddha calmly commented. Sitting
next to Muhammad, Buddha reached his
arm out to pat him on the shoulder.
“Actually, I was talking about the people
who complained about that. It’s flattering
to even be on TV; I feel like a pop culture
icon for once and I gotta say, it feels nice.
I mean, look at Jesus and Buddha, ‘Family
Guy’ has you,” Muhammad pointed at
Jesus, “performing magic tricks and adventuring
with Peter Griffin while Buddha’s
brand has exploded in recent years. With
this New Age boom in the West, no offense
Buddha, but a fat, bald guy from India is
now practically a sex symbol for thousands
and thousands of beautiful, flexible yoga
practicing ladies.”
The Buddha gave a wry smile,
“No offense taken” he said.
“I don’t know. It’s just frustrating, man. To
be this famous Last Prophet and only get
mentioned when discussing fatwas and jihadists
is really depressing.”
“On that same token,” Shiva began “why
does Buddha get all this reverence for the
yoga craze? I mean I was doing yoga before
he was even born. And — and … while you
were growing up a prince and screwing all
the women in your kingdom, you know indulging
the senses, I was still doing yoga.
No offense by the way.”
“None taken whatsoever” Buddha said once
more with a cheeky smile on his face. Ron
noticed that he seemed to be enjoying this
meeting more than the others.
“Thank you three for sharing your complaints.
As you can all tell, you share similar
struggles but now you can stand up and say
‘No more!’ No more supporting the people
of the world only to be marginalized,
simplified or ignored. In this space, we love
ourselves, we support ourselves. You are
beautiful and fantastic religious leaders.”
“Here, heres” could be heard around the
room. Though it was only the first meeting,
Ron thought this was going splendidly. He
was actually helping these amazing men
who had helped so many others. He turned
his attention to Buddha.
“Buddha, do you have anything you’d like
to share or discuss?”
The Buddha began,
“Well, I would just like to thank Muhammad
and Shiva for the kind words.” For the
first time, Muhammad and Shiva seemed
to connect on a decent level as their eyes
met while they simply shook their heads
“and to you Jesus — bravo! I am a fan of
your work. We should collaborate sometime.
With your preachings on forgiveness
and my expertise in compassion, we could
be the next Bert and Ernie!”
“… interesting comparison, to say the least,
but I thank you all the same, o’ enlightened
one,” Jesus kindly replied.
Ron felt the need to interject once more,
“I am sure everyone here appreciates the
kind words, Buddha. Do you have any issues
though that you’d like to discuss?”
“Well, I hope this doesn’t offend, but what
the hell were you thinking with that tank
top, Shiva? It’s just incredibly difficult to
take you seriously with your chest hair
crawling out from beneath what little you
have on and staring me in the face.”
A “here, here” could be heard from Muhammad’s
side of the room.
Buddha continued,
“I mean we’ve all been known to don a good
robe now and again but this is supposed to
be a comfortable space for everyone. Not
just for you and your incredible chest hair.”
Shiva, somewhat taken aback, replied,
“To be honest everyone, I thought I was
making a solid fashion statement that just
went hand in hand with what we are trying
to achieve here, but I get it, point taken.
Vasuki tried to warn me before we left
tonight, but I just said, ‘You’re just a snake,
what do you know?’ I guess he knows more
than I thought.”
Vasuki, now sunning himself by the lamp
in the middle of the table, simply hissed in
delight.
Jesus consoled the Hindu god,
“Don’t fret my child, you are forgiven.”
For the final time of the night, Ron spoke
up.
“Thank you, Buddha, for bringing your
issue to the rest of us. While not exactly
what I was intending when I said ‘issue,’
it’s good to see that you all can air out your
differences in a kind, gentle manner. Now
to wrap up our first session, I’d like to go
around the table and have everyone give us
one word to take away from this meeting,
something that will hopefully help us stay
strong until next week’s gathering. Shiva,
we’ll start with you.”
Still a little shaken but sitting proudly he
said,
“Modesty”
Buddha said,
“Pride”
Jesus said,
“Unity”
And Muhammad said,
“Understanding.”
With that, the group split. Ron was happy
with the first session and felt a certain confidence.
He believed that, with continued
meetings, he could get them all to follow
his own Church.
L. Ron Hubbard chuckled to himself as
he climbed into his spaceship and thought
about Jesus mistaking him for a successful
filmmaker.
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