The Broken Wreckord, May 19, 2005 - Pingry School

"ALL THE NEWS THAT'S S**TTO PRINT"VOLUME 4/3πr 3NEISWENDERINTERVENES INRIGHT-TO-DYE CASEPopularity Rating DropsBy ADAM GOLDSTEIN (V)Today, Headmaster JohnNeiswender today ruled that awhite t-shirt be kept in a bucketof indigo dye, claiming he wastrying to “err on the side ofC 16H 10N 2O 2.” Mrs. Amy Greenleaf,the court-appointed guardianof the t-shirt, has been tryingto have it removed since 1993.The t-shirt has been at thecenter of the highest-profileright-to-dye case in years, raisingemotions to the boiling pointon both sides of the Chemistrydepartment.“The t-shirt would not wantto have been kept submerged forthis long. The administration isjust kowtowing to high pressure.”Mrs. Greenleaf said.Mr. Drew Burns, anothermember of the chemistry faculty,disagreed. “There are justtoo many unknowns here. If wetook the t-shirt out of the bucket,weʼd be putting ourselves at therisk of all sorts of dangerousreactions.”To compound the issue, expertsclaim, is the coalescing ofseveral catalyzing factors. Forone, many on the far right seethe struggle over the shirt assymbolic to their cause.“I think the right really seesthis as a test case—a ʻcontrol,ʼif you will—on how the administrationwill handle right-to-dyeissues,” said Giovanni Smorgasbord,a researcher at HarvardUniverityʼs School of Christianityand Related Political Stuff.Popular conservative commentatorAnn Coulter was moredirect. When asked for comment,she said, “This is nothing morethan a conspiracy of shirt-hatingliberals.”Those on the left, however,generally see the case as aninstance of the administrationinterfering with a personal de-Continued on Page 3At the end of last schoolyear, Upper School DirectorAdam Rohdie and MiddleSchool Director Robert Macraeleft Pingry with the seniorclass to take higher-prestige(and, presumably, higher-paying)jobs at other schools. Bothhad close ties to Pingry andtheir departure caused noticeableupset on campus.Rohdie is now headmasterof Greenwich Country DaySchool in Connecticut, andMacrae headmaster of CincinnatiCountry Day School. Thetwo have been seen occasionallyaround Pingry since.This summer, Pingry HeadmasterJohn Neiswender announcedthat he would beleaving to move south to hispermanent residence in NorthThe Pingry School, Martinsville, New JerseyWreckord Poll RevealsTeachers’ Sexual HabitsBy MAX COOPER (V)The Wreckordʼs poll onsexual activity revealed that30 percent of teachers havehad sex, far lower than thenational average for highschools. Over half of thesenior faculty members, however,said that they had hadsex.The survey was conductedsecretly with masked representativesof the BrokenWreckord. After asking forteachers' experience at Pingryand academic department, thepoll asked if teachers haveever had sexual intercourse.Those who responded “yes”were asked how often birthcontrol was used. About 90percent of the faculty respondedto the poll.Few science teachers —seven percent — said they hadhad sex, although all thirteenresponded to the poll. Thepercentage of teachers in theremaining subjects who hadhad sex was 60 percent.Compared to national averages,the percentages forPingry teachers were low.According to ABCnews.com,in 2001 45.6 percent of allhigh school teachers had hadsex, compared to 54.1 percentin 1991.The percentage of thosewho have had sex was differentfor male and female facultymembers, with 45 percentof the males responding “yes”compared to only 15 percentof females.Women were also morecareful than men when it cameto birth control. Seventy-fivepercent of women said theyalways used birth control,whereas 14 percent said theynever did. Of the men, 35percent said they always usebirth control and 41 percentsaid they never have.Overall, 53 percent of thosewho have had sex said theyused protection all the time.Practicing safe sex “most ofthe time” and “sometimes”came in at eight percent andeleven percent respectively.The second most commonanswer, however, was “never”at 28 percent.When asked for commenton these figures, Mr. Sluytersaid, “Hey, man, times weredifferent in the 60s. I donʼteven remember hearing about'safe sex' until like ten yearsago.”The Wreckord asked thestudent body to guess theresults of the poll, and manystudentsʼ estimates wereinaccurate. When asked toguess the average responseto the safe sex question, moststudents guessed “always”though the majority of teacherssaid they rarely use birthcontrol.One student estimated that60 percent of Pingry teachershad had sex, though anothercame closer to the markwith 20 percent. The averagestudent's guess was that 33percent of the faculty hadhad sex, which is ten percentgreater than the actual statisticof 30 percent.The most widely accurateguess among students, however,was on the sexual activityof the science and mathdepartments. The higheststudent guess was that ten percentof each department hadhad sex; this figure is greaterthan the actual statistic forboth departments.Health teacher Ms. LilianaTorres said talking maturelyabout sex in school is “a goodfirst step to raising awarenessabout the impact present decisionswill have in studentsʼfutures.”Mr. Lalley added, “I thinkmost of the students here areinformed about birth controland protection. We teach it,but the students have got toapply it. I hope they donʼtthink it [pregnancy or a sexuallytransmitted infection]canʼt happen to them, becauseit can happen to anybody.”Finally, Mr. Jenkins toldthe Wreckord his favoritesafe-sex phrase. “Heh, itʼs agolden oldie. ʻIf youʼre in themood, itʼs not that cool dude!ʼHa, I love that one.” The sciencedepartment, apparently,has taken this expression verymuch to heart.Rohdie, Macrae Kicking SelvesAfter Hearing of Headmaster OpeningBy MAX COOPER (V)C.Berman (V)The science department teaches reproduction withoutexperience, says Mr. Tommie Hata.Carolina to run a school there.Upon hearing this information,Rohdie and Macrae were saidto have stormed out of theiroffices in a huff, muttering, “Ineed some air,” and, “Hold mycalls, Doris,” respectively.Rohdie, according to asource who spoke on the conditionof anonymity, walkedon the grounds of GCDS, headdown, telling himself, “Onemore year…if I had enduredone more [expletive]ing withthose stupid [expletive]s andthe students, I would have hadit all…” He then rested againsta tree, the source said.When asked about Neiswenderʼsdeparture, Macraereplied, “He never said anythingto us. Ever. Come tothink of it, I remember himContinued From Page 1Courtesy of Pingry.orgMacrae and Rohdie, leaving Pingry blissfully unaware.ON THE WEB:www.4q.cc/vin/MAY 666, 2005Inside The Wreckord“Elvin Army Approaches,” Reports RabyPg. 4Administration Flip-Flops on Flip-FlopsPg. 6Burn Victim Has Great Poker Face Pg. B2English Department Inundated by Streamof Consciousness Pg. E4Teacher “Asks” 5-Minute “Question”During Assembly Pg. G3Student Deems Ling-Ling ReviewRedundant Pg. 2πField Day Article Written Before, PublishedAfter Actual Event Pg. 5Korfhage Misplaces Peace Pin; Goes onViolent Rampage Pg. √3High Percentage of Wreckord WritersJewish, Male, Single Pg. ø5Incumbent Student Council MembersC.O.A.S.T. to Re-election Pg. C5Wreckord Writers Too Mature to MakeFun of Mr. Cox's Last Name Pg. 13Students “Stimulated” by PhotographyExhibit Pg. E6School Announces New Dean SluyterLecture Series on Literary MarketingTechniques Pg. P3Seniors on ISP Gain Valuable Hands-onCoffee-fetching Experience Pg. Ω2Junior Maims Self in Hope of ReceivingStifel Award Pg. ∫7Student Claims Pingry Lacks “Good Placeto Take a Dump” Pg. †1Wreckord Writers Wrock’n’Wrole Pg. å3Vital Signs Censured for PublishingPornographic Cover Pg. Ω3Deirdre O’Mara Has Not Completed 10Hours of Community Service Pg. H3With reporting by ADAM GOLDSTEIN, CHANTAL BERMAN, NADINEREITMAN, MAX COOPER, JEREMY TEICHER, JOSH FREEDMAN

2Overused CourtyardBenches Need ReplacementBy NIKHIL SRIVASTAVA (VI)Construction at the Martinsvillecampus has been afamiliar sight to the students,faculty, and and administratorsof Pingry. The school,according to headmaster JohnNeiswender, is in a constantstate of growth as resourcesand facilities are upgraded orrenovated, and as new developmentsbreak ground.The most recent changeto Pingry came in the formof a statue and student courtyard—abrand new “nosejob” on the blue-green andbrick face of the school,Neiswender said. Constructionwas completed just threeyears after Pingry acceptedDavid Baldwinʼs (ʼ47) proposalto fund the project.But while it may seem likeonly yesterday that the statueand courtyard were completed,the dilapidated stateof the plaza tells a differenttale. Benches surroundingthe stone-tiled area are wornand cracked; patches of grassare matted and shriveled;the bronze statue that oncegleamed in the autumn sun isnow barely visible underneaththe countless effacements andpatches of graffiti.“Itʼs simply a matter ofwear and tear,” said MikeVersi, head of maintenance.“This area has seen too muchtraffic, too often.”The maintenance staff, accordingto Versi, spends a disproportionateamount of theirtime maintaining and cleaningthe plaza—everythingfrom litter to chewing gumto the assortment of Frisbees,volleyballs, and lawn sportsequipment that is scatteredacross the courtyard.Though many agree thatthe area has become congested,and the Martinsvillefire chief has expressed hisconcerns about fire-safetycompliance, not all agree onthe steps needed to remedythe situation.“Leave it how it is!” arguesAmeesha Sampat (V). “Theschool finally gave us a placeto hang out, a place wherekids have fun hanging out,and now they want to takeit away? That seems prettyPingry FillsRacial QuotaAt the end of last year,Mrs. Marnie McKoy leftthe Pingry School to fill theHead of School position atthe Link Community Schoolin Newark, NJ. Mrs. McKoywas one of only two African-Americanfaculty andstaff members at the PingrySchool, and she would remindthe community of thisfact duringassembliesregardingracism ands e x i s m .W h i l e a tP i n g r y ,Mrs. McKoyservedas AssistantDirectorof Admissions,as well asthe faculty Ms. Marnie McKoyofficer ofthe African-American Club.In an effort to maintain aracial quota of 1.5 African-Americans for every 100 faculty/staffmembers,M s . Ay oSandersonW i l s o nwas hiredas the newAssistantD i r e c t o rof AdmissionsandC o o r d i -n a t o r o fMulticulturalOutreachthisyear. Ms. Wilson has “fitin very well here at Pingry,”says Headmaster JohnNeiswender. “She is a hardworker and has a beautifulpersonality. It seems likewe made a seamless replacement:Ayoʼs passion foreducation, high intelligence,By MAX COOPER (V)and ethnic minority status allmatched those of Marnie.”Wilson has received a verywarm welcome from Pingryʼsfaculty and students. “Sheʼsa really kind woman, and shehas a great sense of humor,”says Mrs. Barbara Edwardsof the Upper School office.“Also, itʼs good to knowthat [Ms.] Nia [Kilgore, collegecounselor]willhave a newʻsisterʼ toʻchill outʼN. Lee (IV)with. Isthat right?ʻChill out?ʼI d o n ʼ tknow Ebonics.”W h e na s k e df o r c o m -ment, Ms.K i l g o r estated, “I donʼt understand.I have friends of all races. Imean, sure, itʼs great to havesome more African-Americanrepresentationin Pingry,but itʼs notlike I onlyhave blackf r i e n d s .Oh well,whatevermakes thea d m i n -i s t r a t i o nf e e l l i k eitʼs makin g i t sMs. Ayo Sanderson Wilsonself-proclaimedʻprogress in equality.ʼ”On a related note, sinceMr. Joseph Wang left Pingrylast year, the numberof Asian-American facultymembers has dropped to two.Mr. Hata refused to commenton the subject.THE BROKEN WRECKORD MAY 2005ridiculous.”“I think something shouldbe done, just because thereare always way too manykids there. I think sometimeskids donʼt go to class just tohang out there,” said JohnKolb (IV).Sanders Bernstein (V) hada different attitude: “Whydonʼt they just get rid of thething? I spend most of mytime up in the C.B. NewtonLibrary, alone, and itʼsjust a distraction to hearall those kids having funwith their—what do you callthem—ʻfriends.ʼ Just get ridof it.”While such an extremeview remains in the minority,Pingry may be forced totake action soon. An officialspokesperson released thisstatement: “The dangerousand escalating congestionin the Baldwin plaza hasbecome a serious issue formaintenance and the administration.This sort of rampantsocializing is obviously notwhat David Baldwin had inmind when he conceptualizedthe project, and it mustbe dealt with all deliberatespeed.”Forbidding students, orat least restricting students,from using the courtyardwould be a relief for manyteachers who have voicedtheir complaints to the administration.“Itʼs often frustrating tostep outside, looking forsome peace and relaxation,only to encounter a gaggle ofgiggling freshmen, or to gethit in the back with a tennisball, or to trip over a cartonof Gatorade, OK? Just stopbeing so goddamn annoyingall the time, you stupid brats!I need a cigarette…” said Sra.Malla Godfrey.By JEREMY TEICHER (V)The PingryGentleman'sManual of Style1. Always wear a top hat and belt.2. Bring a cane when attending gala events.3. When smoking tobacco, only use swooping cedar pipes.4. Only listen to opera; classic rock is appropriateat times, but it should never be played in thepresence of a lady.5. Play croquet.6. Always drive a manual-transmissioncar. Remember, it is better to walk thanto be caught in an automatic.7. If employing a chauffeur, always leave agenerous tip. Never use a taxi.8. Never consume diet or “lite” beverages.9. Double-space, use Times New Roman font,and never make grammatical errors.10. Only wear double-lapel tuxedo jackets.11. Drink martinis mixed with dry gin—never with vodka.12. Obtain a large collection of fine art.13. Always shave with a straight-edged razor and warmshaving cream.14. Donate to the Republican Party.15. Keep timepieces in pockets, not on wrists.16. Always wear a monocle—regardless of optical necessity.17. Store liquid assets in a Swiss bank account.18. Manually tie bowties.19. Order steaks prepared rare.20. Wipe bottoms with money.The Presidential Speech You Wish You HeardGood afternoon, Pingry.For those of you who donʼtknow me, my name is Robotron,and Iʼm running forStudent Body President. Ilike to think practically andtackle problems that we inthe student government canactually solve.Now, there is one thingthat I feel is a major threatto the well-being of studentseverywhere and should bedealt with immediately. If Iam elected president, I promisethe students an Inter-Structural Zombie-DefenseMissile Protection System.Thatʼs right: little Johnnydoesnʼt need to be afraidanymore. If Resident Evil orDawn of the Dead ever happens,Pingry will be the safehaven, this I promise.On a related note, if lycanthropywere to ever breakout among students, I vow tohave enough antidotes forboth the upper and the lowercampuses—there wonʼt beany place for werewolves atPingry under my watch!I also know that sometimescarrying books can behard on your backs. Insteadof expensive medical programsor ridiculous lockerrules, I propose—get this—robots. Thatʼs right, robots.Imagine walking into schoolevery day and being greetedby your own robot friend.Yeah, itʼd be your friendand would listen to you allthe time and wouldnʼt ditchyou on Friday nights forcingyou to sit alone watchingJeopardy with your parents.Have a heavy physics book?No problem, ZT-668 willcarry it for you!Looking ahead, I basicallywant to make the little thingsbetter for the students as theyCourt JesterJack DiMassimoWarriorsJosh FreedmanMelissa Loewingergo through their school day.I know sometimes it can bea pain to walk from class toclass, so I propose an Inter-ScholasticTeleportationSystem.Thatʼs not all, “Pirates,Ninjas, and Lumberjacks:Whoʼd Win in a Fight?” willbecome our schoolʼs newestEnglish course.Hm, that seems to bepretty much all I can thinkof—itʼs looking like Iʼm goingto have my work cut outfor me next year. Iʼll needLord OverseersMax CooperAdam GoldsteinJeremy TeicherDuchessesChantal BermanNadine ReitmanBy Sirs Adam, Jeremy, and Maxsomeplace to relax. A seniorsmoking lounge, perhaps?Get out your notebooks,sophomores; this is goldenstuff for your campaign nextyear. While Iʼm at it, howabout those automatic-flushingtoilets and double-plypaper? Seriously, this oneply just isnʼt cutting it.So next week, when youfill out those election forms,just think: would you want tobe overrun by zombies andwerewolves? I think not.Vote Robotron!Feudal SerfsLogan BartlettWill ParhamNikhil SrivastivaMother SuperiorDr. Susan Dineen

THE BROKEN WRECKORD MAY 2005NEWS IN BRIEFCum Laude/Breast Cancer Awareness PinConfusion Leads to Awkward ConversationThe disbursement of pins to Cum Laude members comes at aninconvenient time for well-wishers looking to distinguish betweenthe lapel pins of the academic society and the similarly shaped “pinkribbon” pins celebrating National Breast Cancer Awareness Month,according to several members of Cum Laude.Misdirected compliments often serve to eliminate any possiblefurther conversation between the two parties, according to membersof Cum Laude. “The ʻcomplimentee,ʼ it seems, becomes obliged toexplain the pin confusion, and is immediately subtly portrayed aseither arrogantly unaware or academically challenged, dependingon the nature of the compliment,” according to Cum Laude memberCaroline Savello (VI).Mrs. Lydia Geacintov, when asked about the possibility ofpostponing the pin distribution date, said, “I donʼt care how manypeople are confused. We fought off those [expletive]s from SupportOur Troops—thereʼs no way weʼre letting some commie cancerfoundation get the better of us!”- Nikhil Srivastiva (VI)Students Upbeat about Global Warming,Look Forward to Wearing Shorts Year-roundA survey conducted by the Broken Wreckord found that overtwo-thirds of students approve of global warming, provided that theschool also allows students to wear shorts earlier in the year.Slightly over half of those surveyed, however, expressed disapprovalof Headmaster John Neiswenderʼs handling of globalwarming.“I think itʼd be great if we could wear shorts more often,” saidNadine Reitman (V). “I just donʼt think Mr. Neiswender is pollutingour environment enough to make any meaningful difference in thetemperature outside.”- Adam Goldstein (V)Neiswinder's Shining VisageInspires AIM EmoticonIn an attempt to stem the decline in its market share, America Onlineannounced on Tuesday that it will be incorporating an emoticonbased loosely on Headmaster John Neiswenderʼs face into the nextversion of its AOL Instant Messager software.Emoticons, the compact “smiley faces” that have become a mainstayof teenage instant-messaging conversations, are used to conveyemotion in the absence of vocal inflection.- Adam Goldstein (V)Entire Pingry Honor Code Plagiarizedfrom Ancient ChineseThe origins of the Honor Code have recently been traced to ancientChina. New research dates the document back to the Canton province,circa 1000 B.C. Artists in the Ping Dynasty had to swear an oath totheir overseers, which, roughly translated, would ensure that theyhad neither given nor received any unauthorized jade. However, inthe first recorded poll in history, 33% of the ancient Chinese artistsadmitted they had given or received unauthorized jade during thepast year, while 50% admitted to have witnessed jade infractions(the margin of error was estimated at +/- 3%).- Melissa Loewinger (IV)Freshman Girl Afraid to Walk by Senior CouchesPingry, NJ—Sunshine, a 9 th grade girl, was too afraid to walkby the senior couches on her way to biology class. “She actuallyturned around, went up the cafeteria stairs, and went down the stairsnear the biology classrooms,” a witness reported. Sources close toSunshine describe her as “kind of shy;” however they “donʼt blameher,” because “some of those guys are kind of weird—especially thatkid whoʼs the president…heʼs always staring at her.”- Jeremy Teicher (V)“Your Mom” Joke SuppressedBy JOSH FREEDMAN (IV)In an extremely uncharacteristicmove, Arif Rashid (VI) onTuesday decided to think beforehe opened his mouth.The incident occurred onApril 28 ,during C Lunch. TablemateScott Menke (VI) waseating a cheesesteak, reportedlyacquired from J.D.ʼs Grille.Menkeʼs clumsiness resulted ina large clump of shredded steakand cheese to fall on, and subsequentlyleave a stain on, hiswhite polo shirt.Menke reportedly made acomment about how dirty hisshirt was, and Rashid primedhimself for a disparaging commentabout Menkeʼs mother.However, in an act of maturitynot seen anywhere else at thattable, Rashid stayed mum aboutMenkeʼs mother and instead returnedto eating his baked ziti.Nikhil Srivastiva (VI), seateddirectly opposite Rashid, wasextraordinarily surprised at thisbehavior. “He never passes upan opportunity to make fun ofScottʼs mom,” Srivastava said.“Even with all of my physicsknowledge, I cannot comprehendwhy he would take thisopportunity to say something.”Rashid tried to justify his decision,but couldnʼt even explainhis own actions. “I thought aboutsaying something—I mean,Menke just stepped into that one.But I decided that I would rathergo home injury-free than makefun of Menkeʼs mom.”Rashid also noted that thesharp piece of matzah held bySrivastava would have beenfired in his direction had he saidWealthy Prom-goers Forget to File TaxesMore than 50 attendees of the Pingry Prom forgot to file their taxes,according to private documents obtained by the Broken Wreckordfrom the IRS. The tax returns, estimated to be worth more than$1,000,000, were discovered in a routine internal audit, according toan IRS statistician who spoke on the condition of anonymity.The Prom, which occurred on April 15, drew more than 100students from the Junior and Senior classes.“I totally forgot to file my taxes, I was so busy partying,” saidCaroline Savello (VI). “I just hope they [the IRS] donʼt seize mycar or something.”According to the IRSʼs website, failure to file income taxes on timecan result in a 10% penalty for each month the taxes are late.- Adam Goldstein(V)New Honor Board MembersImplement "Iron Fist of Justice"Sophomore Joshua Freedman was found to be in violation ofthe school honor code last Thursday, and was subsequently hogtiedand shot.“Mr. Freedman was guilty of having either given or receivingunauthorized aid on this exam,” said Daniel Davidson (IV), a newmember of the Honor Board. “The infraction is currently under investigation,but it looks as if he gave himself illegal material, and istherefore guilty for both giving and receiving unauthorized aid. Sincehe has committed two offenses, he will have to be shot twice.”Davidson added, “Trust me, Iʼm on Honor Board.”- Melissa Loewinger (IV)Neiswender to Pingry: "It's Not You, It's Me"The Pingry community was heartbroken yet again, after its currentfling with John Neiswender came to a sudden halt.“Weʼre just...drifting apart,” Neiswender stammered, as he nervouslyrearranged some papers on the desk. “Itʼs not like the warningsigns werenʼt there,” he added, citing his frequent retreats to ShortHills. “No, no, donʼt cry, it doesnʼt have to be like this,” he cooed,as he offered a tissue. “Believe me, Iʼm hurting inside, too. Beneaththis smiling facade, my spirit is frowning... No, no, no youʼve beena great school; donʼt beat yourself up like that. I know youʼll find aneven better headmaster... I got a friend named Nat, actually, who Ibet youʼd like. I know itʼs a little soon to be looking for a new guy,but talk to him. Heʼs a good listener...You know what, Iʼm sick of you, too. Tired of your old friendshanging around all the time, ʻalumni are the backbone,ʼ my ass.They eat all our food, get lost, and always forget my name... fine!Big Blue is a stupid mascot, anyway. Donʼt let the door hit you onthe way out.”- Will Parham (V)Mr. Summerhill Likes Cold, Wintry PlainsIn an ironic twist, Middle School Latin teacher Jeff Summerhillfavors winter days and flat plains over summer and slopedground. Summerhill blames his last name on “Ellis Island customsstaff” claiming that it was a cruel joke that was played on his “tundra-lovingancestors.Summerhill, who is notorious for his Caecilius/Quintus/NAM-BLA jokes, is moving to Colorado at the end of the year, where hisname will be shortened to Mr. Hill because “summer” is not in thevocabulary there.- Josh Freedman (IV)Report: “Aviators Are the Coolest”A Summit Basement, NJ—According to an anonymous highschool student, aviators are “the new fashion thing," and "awesome.”In a louder voice than was necessary, the youth asserted that “theaviators are like shields; you can say or do anything when youʼrebehind them.” Throwing his arm around this reporter, the studentshouted: “but dude, never give your aveʼs away to girls, youʼll neversee them again. Man, we should hang out more.”- Jeremy Teicher (V)something.Srivastava, who then had nouse for the unleavened bread,was forced to digest the food.Regarding its dry taste, he said,“I felt in each bite a sense ofmy history; I felt the struggleof my people in their valiantfight against the British imperialists.”Menke was perturbed by thestain on his shirt, but relieved thatRashid kept his mouth shut. “Acomment from Arif would havejust added insult to injury,” saidMenke. “Iʼm a very fragile personand I donʼt know if I couldtake such a beating.”The entire incident was soonforgotten as James Somers (VI)catapulted into a sit-down comedyroutine at the table and wassoon booed all the way back tothe salad bar.HOROSCOPESBy MELISSA LOEWINGER (IV)AriesMarch 21-April 19 - Theheavenly bodies have alignedin such a way that you willhave a fling in the near future.Either that, or you will flingsomething.TaurusApril 20-May 20 - You havemany lucky stars. Thank them.GeminiMay 21-June 20 - There isnothing in your future. Zip. Zilch.Not a thing. YOU HAVE NOFUTURE.CancerJune 21-July 22 - On a Monday,you will be waiting. On aTuesday, you will be fading. Ona Wednesday, you will not beable to sleep.LeoJuly 23- Aug. 22 - Your lovelife is comparable to a nova,which is, according to AOL’sdiving dictionary services, “a starthat suddenly increases its lightoutput tremendously and thenVirgoAug. 23-Sept. 22 - Orion’sbelt has deemed that you will jointhe Junior Executive BusinessClub…and like it.Right-to-Dye CaseSplits CommunityContinued From Page 1cision, rather than an exampleof the administration acting toprotect the interests of a helplesscommunity member, accordingto recent pollsState Sen. Pablo Waveform,an outspoken Democratic critic ofthe administration, said, “This is asad day for all Pingry students. Ifthe administration can act to keepa t-shirt in dye, whatʼs to keep itfrom implementing forced communityservice, or abridging yourbasic human rights?”The administrationʼs responseto critics has been swift andstrong. “Let me crystallize this:there is solid evidence that theshirt may still be absorbing dye.It would be a terrible mistake toremove the shirt before we hadall the data we needed to makea sound conclusion,” said Mr.Newiswender, who has stakedmuch of his remaining career onthe case.Several more moderate membersof the administration, however,are uncomfortable withwhat they perceive as the extremelengths Neiswender has gone toenforce his decision, accordingto a well-placed mole. Doubtingadministrators include JonathanLeef, the head of the UpperSchool, and Charles Coe, thehead of the science department.“We need to find a solutionthat brings our heterogeneousmix of students, faculty,and administrators together,”Mr. Coe said. “If we donʼt, thebottled-up emotions in our communitycould spontaneouslycombust—and the results wouldnot be satisfactory.”LibraScorpioSagittariusCapricornAquariusPisces3Sept. 23- Oct. 22 - Yourbologna has a first name. ItʼsO-S-C-A-R. Your bologna hasa second name. Itʼs M-E-Y-E-R.Beware of a falling gorilla.Oct. 23- Nov. 21 - When themoon reaches a certain phase,you will undergo a magicaltransformation, become veryhungry, and eat one of Mr. Hata’sfetal pigs.Nov. 22-Dec. 21 - You will geta detention from Mrs. Hearst forwearing a skirt that is only onemillimeter too short. That, andfor being a male.Dec. 22-Jan. 19 - You hatesand.Jan. 20-Feb 18- It is advisedthat you drown yourself in theBig Dipper, because anotherround of Algebra III Trigonometryis headed your way quickly,inevitably, unavoidably, andfatally.Feb. 19-March 20 - Yourcrush will be forced to performCPR on you one day after school.He/She will address you as, “Annie!Annie!” You will be angeredand take revenge upon the healthmannequins soon after.Top AdministrationOfficials StartMud WrestlingTeam for Fall '05Continued From Page 4will have no option but todig pits in the football field,and we have a feeling VarsityFootball Head Coach MikeWebster would be upsetabout that.”Upper School Head JohnLeef, anxious to show thathe is just as open to new andinteresting ideas as the nextadministrator said, “Mudwrestling? Absolutely! Andwhile weʼre at it, why notintroduce NASCAR racingto the school? Itʼs very cuttingedge! I like it.”Provided the Board ofTrustees grants approval,construction on the racetrack, which will go aroundthe far soccer fields pastthe tennis courts, will startin early June along withthe mud wrestling pits. Mr.Leef said getting approvalis “as certain as studentscontinuing to sleep duringassembly.”Coincidentally, the IvyLeague has adopted mudwrestling as their show casesport and plans on offeringfull scholarships in each ofthe various divisions, whichinclude mud, swamp, sandand Jell-O.Pingryʼs former residentgoose-chaser, Jed the bordercollie, who will be asophomore at Harvard Universitynext fall, has beengranted permission to jointhe schoolʼs mud wrestlingteam. After feeling sexuallyand specially discriminatedagainst and told he was notallowed to join the team onaccount of being a male dog,Jed sued Harvard and won.Jed now feels as if he hasfinally found his calling inmud wrestling, commentingafter one practice, “Arf ArrfWoof! Glub,” which translatesto, “Wow! This sport ispretty hardcore, but it sure isworth it! Glub.”

Page4 SPORTSVolume 4/3πr 3 The Pingry School, Martinsville, New JerseyMay 2005GAME-PLAYINGIN TECH LAB ATALL-TIME LOWMATH OFFICE HIGHBy MAX COOPER (V)The Tech Team reportedin March that game-playingin the lower commons techlab was at an all-time low.Tech Team leader Quoc Vohas attributed the decline toan enforcement of the HonorCode by his colleagues,who patrol the tech lab inthree-hour shifts throughoutthe school day and into thenight. Revoking computerprivileges has left manystudents without internetaccess or word processing,a stunning punishmentfor some. However, somereprimanded students havefound a loophole in the system,which the Tech Teambelieves to be developed byan underground computerhacker somewhere in theUnited States. “Actually,I just use my friendsʼ logins,”says freshman TimmyStockholm.Meanwhile, in the 400ʼswing of the school, gameplayinghas remained at astable average of 4 hoursa day. Much of the gameplay takes place in the MathDepartment Headʼs office,although this may be due to“head-to-head Mini-putt action,”in which two individualsuse the same computerwhen competing againsteach other. Besides Miniputt,“classics like Solitaireand Minesweeper are definitelyamong my faves,” saysteacher Tim Jacqua. “Meand Trem do battle everyonce in a while, but he usuallywants to just sit thereand play iSketch alone. Butitʼs cool because then I justjoin the table heʼs at, [laughing].”When asked why Windowsgames were accessibleon teachersʼ logins but noton studentsʼ, the Tech Teamgave no comment, and justwent back to playing “Curveball”on www.addictinggames.com.Amist a crowd of spectators, Captain Juan Desperado (blue hat) gleefully cheers on hiswinning rooster in the '05 Cockfighting Championships.Google ImagesVarsity Cockfighting TeamEnds a Winning SeasonBy JEREMY TEICHER (V)The Varsity Cockfightingteam finished its firstyear with a winning record,according to captain JuanDesperado (VI). After astellar performance in thesemifinals against arch-rivalDelbarton, the Cockfightingteam was invited to the worldhigh school championshipsin South America, which theteam then won.Started this past September,the Cockfighting teamhas been “lucky to be receivedso openly at Pingry,”the teamʼs captain said.“Pingry gave us an excellentbudget, itʼs great. We areonly a few hundred dollarsaway from being able to affordbionic implants for therooster, like fire-breathingor the ability to levitate.”For now, Desperado says, “agood, reliable cock” is all theteam needs.From a payphone “somewherein Brazil,” Desperadogleefully recounted theteamʼs dramatic championshipwin. “We were a littleshaken up at first from thetrip down to the tournament,”Desperado recounted.“I suppose none of us real-Still KickingContinued From Page 1from way back casually hintingat us to leave. Yeah, he was oneof the main supporters for mytransfer to Cincinatti. Man, ifI only knew, I could have beenon top. The head honcho. Thebig man. Walking tall, unlikethat backstabbing sideshowfreak.”Picking blades of grass atthe trunk of the tree, Rohdiecommented on Neiswenderʼsreplacement. “To think thatsome hippie from Vermont istaking what should rightfullybe mine—some guy namedʻNat,ʼ for Godʼs sake. I mean,come on, he doesnʼt even havethe right name for the job.Meanwhile, Iʼm stuck here inGreenwich, a town no oneʼsheard of in a state I didnʼt evenknow existed.”Suddenly, an ethnicallydiverse group of children ranup to Rohdie, who smiled andstarted to teach them lifeʼsmost important lessons.ized that the cargo hold ofa steam ship could be socramped.“When we finally arrived,the hospitality was a littleless than we were expecting—buthey, sleeping in aBrazilian jail cell isnʼt asbad as one would think, exceptfor the food. Foragingis hard!”On the day of the tournament,the team was feelingpressure from their localfans to take the win. “Oneman even told me all of hismoney was riding on ourwin,” team member GideonOppenheimer (VI) recalled.“He told us if we didnʼt win,heʼd have to sell his childreninto slavery. Our fans sureare dedicated!”The teamʼs dream of victorywas made a reality duringthe final match againstthe local team. “It was agreat performance from bothsides, but our rooster isjust that good,” Desperadoexplained. “We would havebeaten them in the earlierrounds, but they told us thatweʼd never see home againif we won. The Pingry Cockfightingteam was not scaredaway by random threats!”Although the tournamenthas been over for almost aweek now, the team is stillheld up in Brazil. “Theyʼrebeing really nice here, but Ithink itʼs time to go home,”Desperado said. I canʼt tellthem that, though, becausethe last person who said hewanted to go home got cartedaway.“I do wish that theyʼdlet us out of the back of theʻchampionʼs vanʼ for a fewhours, though,” Desperadosaid.Mr. Raby Reports:Elvin Army ApproachesBy JEREMY TEICHER (V) andMAX COOPER (V)From his command centerin the woods surroundingPingryʼs cross-country trail,Mr. Raby has issued a warning:“whet your swords, prepareyour crossbows, and memorizeyour spell-scrolls in preparationfor an imminent attackfrom the Elves.”“The Elves used to be apeaceful people,” Mr. Rabyheavily sighed, “it is a shameour two nations have taken tothe sword.” A single tear rolleddown his cheek.“This will be the most greatand terrible war since theGriffin Revolution against theDwarves in the late BrimstonePeriod,” said Mr. Raby. Thereis evidence that the Elves haveformed an alliance with theOgres, creating a “God-like”force. “Between the Elvinspellswords and the OgrinBrutes, the Pingry communitywill face a challenge unlikeanything it has ever seen.”According to Mr. Raby,Pingryʼs chances of victory areslim. He elaborated:“There is little hope. However,I have been devising astrategy that could spare somelives. If my calculations arecorrect, the Elves will attackprecisely when Halleyʼs Cometeclipses the star located 20clicks south of Jupiterʼs largestmoon. As we all know, this starholds the necessary energy andpower that runs the Heartstoneof the Elvin base [located deepin Warren Township].”Mr. Raby commented on“Halflings,” individuals bredfrom one human and one elf.“Therein lies the Great Question.Will a Halfling ally withthe humans or with the elves?We can only pray to Merlinthat they will join our side.”Mr. Raby returned hastily tohis command center, shoutingover his shoulder, “May Odinʼseyes watch over us in thesedark times!”Pingry to Start MudWrestling TeamBy MELISSA LOEWINGER (IV)As their last salute to theschool, departing HeadmasterJohn Neiswender andAthletic Director JoAnnDemartini have decided thatFall 2005 will debut theschoolʼs first Womenʼs VaristyMud Wrestling team.When questioned about theemergence of this new sport,Ms. DeMartini said, “Weare just trying to satisfy thestudents, who are alwaysdemanding more athletic opportunities.I think it is longpast time for a mud wrestlingteam; students have beenpleading for it for years.”The conference in whichMr. Neiswender got the MudWrestling Proposal passedtook place on May 13. Neiswenderadmitted that he was“A bit apprehensive as tohow the proposition wouldbe received, especially sinceGirls and Boys soccer willboth have to be disbanded toallow room for the new team.I was overjoyed, althoughslightly surprised, at howquickly and enthusiasticallythe idea was accepted.”Pits will be dug into theWorld Cup Field in earlyJune, and the field will undergohosing throughout thesummer in preparation forthe pre-season. DeMartinisaid, “We would rather haveJell-O wrestling, but the mudis just so much easier to producein large quantities.”Coach New, who gave ariveting speech earlier thisyear concerning passionand healthy eating habitsin sports, has been hiredas Head Coach for the mudwrestling team. Althoughnew to the sport, CoachNew is optimistic aboutthe upcoming season. Hesaid, “With its similarities towrestling, I know I can teachthe girls how to strive towardvictory while maintaininghealthy diets. Mud wrestlingis a sport I will very quicklybecome passionate about. Itcovers you with glory, prideand mud.”Unfortunately, cuts willhave to be made from theteam, as all the girls soccerplayers will either haveto join or quit fall sportscompletely. All veteran andpotential members of theboys soccer team will haveto join the water polo team.De Martini said, “We hopethe soccer boys are as opento the concept of playingwater polo as we are. If theyinsist on being allowed tomud wrestle as well, weContinued on Page 3Next year's mud-wrestling demonstrate the high-crotchedball and chain move.Google ImagesPresident BushCommends BooshBy LOGAN BARTLETT (V)Today President George W.Bush presented a Medal of Commendationto headmaster JohnNeiswender for the plan to avoidwhat appeared to be a potentialgas crisis. The Pingry Schoolfollowed an idea set forth byMichael Kreisbusch (V) andwith his “Two Mile” Plan theMartinsville School was able toprevent any gas shortages fromoccurring.Bush was quoted as saying,“Well, two miles of gas is about.1 gallons. And with two hundredsome odd students and facultymembers doing this, they wereable to save a lotta gas.”When asked if he would attemptto follow this plan backin Washington, Bush replied,“If something works, Iʼm goingto try it.”The idea behind the plan is, asBush states, “difficult for laymento grasp,” but the guidelines areas follows: (1) people walk toschool if they live within twomiles, and (2) people walk homefrom school if they live withintwo miles.This plan is revolutionary tosay the least. Michael Kreisbuschrecently made it known to thePingry Community that he hadin fact walked home fifty daysthis year. Rumor around theschool was that “Boosh” actuallywalked home because hislicense was suspended due to aDUI charge, a fact he vehementlydenies. “Still, his attack on thepotential gas crisis was verycourageous and something thatthe school should acknowledge,”Bush said.