issue #12 pdf - Razorcake

Issue #12, Feb. /March 2003Cutting. Tasty.www.razorcake.com and PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042Table of Contents* * * * *Nardwuar The Human Serviette ............. Who Are You? ........................ pg. 4Art ..................................... Lil’ Beez and Unca Jeez ........................... pg. 7Ayn Imperato ........................................ 94103 ............................ pg. 8Gary Hornberger .......................... Squeeze My Horn .......................... pg. 10Felizon Vidad ................................... Shark Bait ................................ pg. 12Rev. Nørb ............................. Love, Nørb ............................ pg. 14Designated Dale ............................... I’m Against It ..........................pg. 20Money ......................................... Lazy Mick .......................................... pg. 22Rich Mackin ................................... The Twisted Balloon ......................... pg. 24Sean Carswell ...................... A Monkey to Ride the Dog ............................ pg. 26Maddy ..................................... Shiftless When Idle ............................... pg. 30The Rhythm Chicken .................... The Dinghole Reports ................... pg. 34Shawn Granton ................... The New Motherfucker Music ....................... pg. 37* * * * *Rattlesnakes ........................ Interview by Kat Jetson ................. pg. 38East LA Family Tree ..................... Article by Jimmy Alvarado ................ pg. 42Dillinger Four, Part 2 ................. Interview by ReTodd ............................ pg. 48The Arrivals ............. Interview by Megan Pants and ReTodd ......... pg. 58The Skulls ..... Interview by Pettite Paquet, Designated Dale, and ReTodd ....... pg. 64The Spits ................................ Interview by Money .......................... pg. 70* * * * *Dan Monick ........................................ Free Hugs ................................... pg. 73Record Reviews ................. Mayor of Clackamas Representing .......................... pg. 74Zine Reviews ............................ Stupid Shit Rules ................... pg. 96Video Reviews ................. Barbecued Gluten Globs ............................ pg. 99Book Reviews ......... Boy, Did AK Press Send a Big Package ................... pg. 100Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the U.S.Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are onlyvalid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyoneelse (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price.

New York City’s PrincessSuperstar has been playing therap game for quite a few yearsnow, kicking out the “cool beatsand rhymes,” the way SHE wantsto kick out the “cool beats andrhymes.” The Princess runs herown label, The CorruptConglomerate, and basically doeswhatever the hell she wants.Princess Superstar’s most currentrelease is the ghetto-techdance anthem “Fuck Me on theDancefloor.”Nardwuar: Who are you?Princess: [laughs] PrincessSuperstar.Nardwuar: How the hell are you,Princess Superstar?!Princess: Good, Nardwuar!Nardwuar: Please tell me the storyright off the bat of Matt Dillon fartingon your manager’s hand!Princess: [laughs] Okay, great! So,she was in the club in New York,one of these trendy clubs called Spyor something like that, and she literallywas like, “Hi, how are you?Nice to meet you,” when he mether, and he took her hand and fartedon it.Nardwuar: Welcome to MattDillon!Princess: Yeah! Well, great, and Ihad wanted her to be my managerright away just ‘cause of that story!Nardwuar: To be able to endurethat!Princess: Yeah!Nardwuar: You’ve endured a littletrip to Europe, haven’t you? A littleBubba Sparxxx thing!?Princess: [laughs] Yeah! Weopened up for Bubba in London.Nardwuar: Now, there was sometoiletry stuff going on there, wasn’tthere? What about the toilet paperout of his ass? What’s going onthere, Princess Superstar!?Princess: [laughs] Oh yeah! Bubbacame out for his “Ugly Song” and4 he pulled down hispants and there was like a trail oftoilet paper. I thought that wasgreat. That was actually the highlightof the whole evening.Nardwuar: Did you run out andpull it off?Princess: Uh, no but I saved it.Nardwuar: Who is Lady Frost?Princess: [laughs] Lady Frost?!Nardwuar: Some woman on yourinternet message board!Princess: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! No, Idon’t know. Somebody was goingon my message board and writingall these really awful things aboutme, and then somebody impersonatedme and said that I was “goingto rip off your vagina” and like allthis crazy shit that I would neversay and then she got really mad andthen I wrote back and I was like,“Look, somebody’s impersonatingme. Lady Frost, if you’ve got aproblem with me, I don’t care. I’mcool with that, you know. Like, I’mhere to support music. I don’t givea shit. I’m not here to be on anyone’sdick…”Nardwuar: Because I was thinkingthat you were Lady Frost!Princess: Oh, like battlingmyself?!Nardwuar: Yeah, because you’vegot some acting training, haven’tyou?Princess: Yeah, I sure do. Yeah,yeah.Nardwuar: How much training didyou get and how far did you getalong there, Princess Superstar?Princess: Well, I went to NYU fordrama and I graduated. I have aBFA.Nardwuar: So who are your classmates?Anybody who went on toanything as cool as PrincessSuperstar?!Princess: Yeah, as a matter of fact,my roommate in freshman year wasJennifer Charles who’s in Lovagewith Dan the Automator and shewas in Elysian Fields. And alsoCraig Wedran who was in Shudderto Think. So, actually, it was funnybecause a lot of us started up in actingand just went into music.Nardwuar: Is that how youhooked up with Prince Paul?Princess: No, a friend and I wereso in love with his music that I sortof stalked him and got him to do atrack for me. [laughs]Nardwuar: So, Princess Superstar,you’re here in Vancouver, BritishColumbia, Canada. Tomorrow DJJazzy Jeff is in the house!Princess: Ah, I love it, and as amatter of fact, he’s doing somethingwith my record label too. !K7is going to be distributing his newalbum so…Nardwuar: Haven’t you collaboratedwith him?Princess: I haven’t yet but I reallywant to.Nardwuar: I thought you maybehad some good Will Smith storiesfor us!Princess: [laughs] No! [laughs]Nardwuar: Now, PrincessSuperstar, speaking of Canada andcollaboration, is it true – a BryanAdams duet with PrincessSuperstar?Princess: You are referring to mysecond album, CEO, where I hadmessage machine tapes from someA&R people going over drums andbass and one of the messages was,“I think you should do a duet withBryan Adams.”Nardwuar: And a few years later, Ithink that was a visionary of therecord company, enter SportySpice, eh?Princess: [laughs] Visionary!Nardwuar: Because she did that,didn’t she? She did that song withBryan Adams? You were replacedby a Spice Girl, Princess Superstar!Princess: My god, it happens allthe fucking time.Nardwuar: So you’re inVancouver, British Columbia,Canada – Princess Superstar!You’re in Vancouver, BritishColumbia, Canada: the 5th Beatle!Canadian connections! You loveCanada, don’t you?! Your firstalbum came out on a Canadianlabel. What the hell?!Princess: I know, it was reallyweird. It was in ‘95 and all thesemajors wanted to sign me. Theywanted to change me. They wantedto do this, and then they wouldpromise me this money and nevercome through and all this. Andalong this time came this tinyCanadian label out of Windsor andthey were like, “Here, we don’thave hardly any money but makethe record you want to make, andit’s cool.” And I did, and my firstrecord was called Strictly Platinum,and MuchMusic even played myvideo, so I love Canada.Nardwuar: And you alwaysremember Canada too! A quote:“Winnipeg to Texas! Easter Egg toXmas!”Princess: Yay! My father was bornin Winnipeg!Nardwuar: No way!Princess: Way!Nardwuar: I never knew you hadsome Canadian connections, likereal Canadian connections!Princess: Blood! Blood!Nardwuar: And you also haveprops out to the “Safety Dance” inone of your rhymes, PrincessSuperstar!Princess: I sure do, and as a matterof fact, I DJ too, and I always play“Tom Sawyer”!Nardwuar: Baboom!Princess: Yeah!Nardwuar: Of Rush!Princess: Ha haa!Nardwuar: Rush is an interestingartist. Tell me about Kid’n’Play,Princess Superstar!Princess: Well, I really likeKid’n’Play, specifically the hairdos.I have a line in “Wet Wet Wet”where I say, “Foreplay? Hmm. Ican make your cock go higher thanthe hair on Kid’n’Play.”

Nardwuar: That is amazing!Princess: Thanks.Nardwuar: Now, speaking of “c star star K”etc., Jarvis Cocker!Princess: Yes! [laughs] Yes, Jarvis is amazing.I mean, they are big supporters of what Ido. They brought me over to London and…Nardwuar: And had you play a prison, wasn’tthat nice?Princess: Yes! It was really amazing, though.They do these weird parties called“Desperate” and the premise is we’re all a littlebit too old to be partying so we’re sort ofdesperate. So I’ve DJ’d and I’ve performedlive with him, and they’re great. They’re reallynice.Nardwuar: That was in the UK where youare blowing huge!Princess: Huge.Nardwuar: Huge, Princess Superstar! Whynow!? Why? How many records has it taken?Princess: [laughs] Four. It’s cool, man. Youknow what? It’s like I never sold out to amajor label. I sort of developed my own thingover the years. And maybe if I had signed earlierI would have been huger earlier, but Idon’t care. I’ve developed into the artist I amnow, and that was really important to me, andnow finally everyone is catching up to me.People in the UK are super open to new kindsof music – not in America; it’s very difficultbecause you have to be boxed in like this orlike that. But in the UK it’s all open. I mean,even Jimi Hendrix in the day couldn’t get arecord deal. He had to go to the UK.Nardwuar: And he was from Vancouver,British Columbia, Canada – well, he playeda few gigs here at the Smilin’ BuddhaCabaret! And you’re here in Vancouver,British Columbia, Canada, PrincessSuperstar! Now, Princess Superstar, yourstage act has been described as “WWF meetssoftcore porn”!Princess: [laughs] Wow! [laughs]Nardwuar: I’ve been thinking, you’vethrown out some props to softcore porn – andhardcore pornography as well – with yourallusion of On Golden...Princess: ...Blonde.Nardwuar: That was a great porno, wasn’tit?Princess: [laughs] I actually didn’t see it.Nardwuar: How about this one? 21...Princess: Uhhh...Nardwuar: 21 Hump...Princess: 21 Hump...Nardwuar: 21 Hump Street!Princess: Aaaah!Nardwuar: That was another one – a potentialsong lyric there, Princess Superstar.Princess: Okay, I will have to remember thatfor the next song.Nardwuar: I think people should be aware,though: you have been in Playgirl andBusiness Week!Princess: [laughs] I know, and I kept myclothes on, too!Nardwuar: What a combination!Princess: And I’ve been in Playboy too, butnot naked. And Business Week was with mylabel. That was like so amazing because Ibrought that right home to my dad as opposedto Playboy.Nardwuar: So what happened to the label?It’s kind of gone....Princess: No, no, no, it’s not. It’s not. It’scalled the Corrupt Conglomerate and Ilicensed it to !K7 so it is still a licensing dealwith my label. I mean, they’re doing all thework but I’m still going to be working onsigning other artists and that.Nardwuar: You got juice, PrincessSuperstar, don’t you!?Princess: Yeah!Nardwuar: In the streets of New York,“juice” means...Princess: [laughs] Princess Superstar!Nardwuar: Power!Princess: [laughs]Nardwuar: Now, Princess Superstar, I amamazed by your powers, like the power youhave to make that guy write a thesis and turnthat thesis into a video game for you?!Princess: Oh yeah, yeah. He’s amazing andhe used to write also for a lot of Canadianmagazines. He used to live in Montreal, too.Nardwuar: Princess Superstar, what turnsyou on? I heard – what do you enjoy? Modsuits. You like mod suits, don’t you?Princess: Yeah, yeah, I like mod suits, butwhat really turns me on is a brilliant sense ofhumor and somebody who is really smartand…Nardwuar: And mod suits!Princess: And mod suits!Nardwuar: How about your own love? Areyou single now, Princess Superstar, or are youstill dating through the internet? Didn’t youhave an internet romance?Princess: [laughs] Okay, well I had a shortlivedIM romance, it’s true, but I…Nardwuar: What was it like when you firstmet the other fellow?Princess: Well, no, he was all right. It wasn’tlike he was some sort of hideous creature orsomething like that, but it was just – I leaveall the time.Nardwuar: How was his, uh, hard drive?Princess: I wouldn’t know! [laughs]Nardwuar: Fat Boys! Fat Boys!Princess: Uh, the Fat Boys are back. Yeah,they deserve some props, don’t they? Givesome props to the Fat Boys! Absolutely.Nardwuar: Princess Superstar, Fat Boys,gyms, working out. There is that great storyof you and Mike D, you know, at the gym.Have you met anybody else at the gym, or hasanybody else been listening to PrincessSuperstar and you’ve run into them!?Princess: If you listen to my whole discographyyou will see there are a myriad influencesand…Nardwuar: And one of those influences isasses. You love asses, don’t you, PrincessSuperstar?!Princess: [laughs] I do!Because you work out quite a bit, don’t you,Princess Superstaaaaaaa!Princess: Yeah. Yeah. I do work out when Ican. I’m trying to think if I met anyone elsefamous at the gym.... No. I know Ben Stilleris a member of my gym but I never saw him.Nardwuar: What gym were you going to andwhat have you observed at the gym?Princess: Um, I go to Crunch and…Nardwuar: A crunch?!Princess: Yeah, Crunch, and they’re always

playing the worst music – that’swhat I’ve observed – like reallybad techno trance music and I justput on my earphones and I’m like,“Blech.”Nardwuar: Mike D of the BeastieBoys you saw at the gym. AdRock of the Beastie Boys lives inNew York too, doesn’t he?Princess: Yeah.Nardwuar: Doesn’t he live withKathleen Hanna of Le Tigre?Princess: Yeah, I’m not sure…Nardwuar: Do you ever see heraround? Because I’m always fascinatedby that, you know, LeTigre and Beastie Boys togetherbut not really! Do you ever seethem together?Princess: No, I haven’t. You know,I haven’t even been in New Yorkfor ages either because I’m touringall the time so I kind of miss it.Nardwuar: Princess Superstar, “Igot more rhymes than John’sgot....”Princess: Peel Sessions!Nardwuar: I love it! Your indieroots popping up! You’re an indierocker at heart, aren’t you, PrincessSuperstar?!Princess: I totally am, and I amvery, very impressed with you.You’re calling up all these oldschool references and stuff. You’vedone your homework.Nardwuar: You were on TeenBeat Records! Teen Beat! TeenBeat! You were a Teen Beater! Youwere a Teen Beater, PrincessSuperstar! Mark Robinson, TeenBeat!Princess: Yeah, well, I used to playguitar in a band called the GammaRays, an all girl band, and alsoMark Robinson was also the onewho taught me how to set up alabel.Nardwuar: Which ended upbeing...Princess: The CorruptConglomerate.Nardwuar: And we’re here inVancouver, British Columbia,Canada with Princess....Princess: Superstar.Nardwuar:PrincessSuperstaaaaaaa! Now, speaking ofindie rock, Fugazi, you sampledFugazi! Are you one of the firstpeople to sample Fugazi in kind oflike the big time game?Princess: Yeah, well, I sampledFugazi on my first record so I’mnot sure how many people heardthat but they are amazing! And Ilove their work ethic and also theyare a big inspiration of why I neversigned to a major initially so...Nardwuar: When you first startedout, Princess Superstar, did youhave another name? Were youalways Princess Superstar?Weren’t you Creem or something?6Creem?!Princess:[laughs]Well, no, but that’s a really goodstory. What happened was thatonce I went into a manager’s officein the early days and this guy waslike, “We’re going to call youCreem.” And you’re going to belike, “I ain’t from the ghetto and Iain’t trying to go to the ghetto. I amCreem, motherfucker.” And likewear furs and all this shit, and Iwas like, “Dude, that’s not reallyme.” [laughs] And he was like,“You’re not going to make anymoney in this business unless youdo it that way.” And I’m like, “Allright then.” And of course I didn’tmake any money! [laughs] Now Iam!Nardwuar: Enter PrincessSuperstar!Princess: Yeah, so I was alwayscalled Princess Superstar, yeah.Nardwuar: Princess Superstar,what’s the history of pioneeringwomen rappers? I mean, Blondie!Blondie!Princess: Yeah, I mean Blondie isjust amazing. As is RoxanneShanté. And Queen Latifah.Nardwuar: What about BitchesWith Problems?Princess: [laughs] Bitches WithProblems?Nardwuar: Hos With Attitude!Princess: Yeah!Nardwuar: Da Brat!Princess: Yeah, we love it all.Nardwuar: The Yeastie Girls,Princess Superstar!?Princess: I heard of them.Nardwuar: Millie Jackson. Everheard of her?Princess: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah.Nardwuar: Going way back in therap game.Princess: That’s way back.Nardwuar: Trina, the Baddest...Princess: The Baddest Bitch!Nardwuar: Have you ever metTrina at all?Princess: No, but she’s got a reallyfunny song with Trick Daddythat I like a lot.Nardwuar: Gangsta...Princess: Boo!Nardwuar: Whut...Princess: Whut!Nardwuar: Whut Whut! That’sanother great rapper, isn’t it? Jean!Princess: MC Jean Grae is soamazing! Everyone’s got to getwith the new song she did with Mr.Len, “Taco Day.” Uh, amazing.Nardwuar: Princess Superstar,Peaches, Canadian kind-of rapper– I was once told by CourtneyLove never to compare womengroups to women groups, butPeaches, Princess Superstar, everdone any gigs with her?Princess: Um, no, but I knowPeaches. She used to come tomy shows back in the day inlike ‘96 when I first startedcoming to Canada. She was afan, and so was Gonzales, andthey’re great.Nardwuar: What about inEngland? Have you ever gotany comparisons to Peachesat all?Princess: No, I get compared toEminem constantly.Nardwuar: Which you want todownplay right now!Princess: [laughs] You know, he’sa great lyricist but he’s not whatI’m about. If you listen to mywhole discography you will seethere are a myriad influencesand…Nardwuar: And one of thoseinfluences is asses. You love asses,don’t you, Princess Superstar?!Princess: [laughs] I do!Nardwuar: Kool Keith’s ass!Princess: Yeah! [laughs]Nardwuar: Now tell me aboutKool Keith. You know him prettywell, don’t you, PrincessSuperstar?Princess: Yeah. Yeah.Nardwuar: Is it true he likes topleasure himself in the bleachers ofYankee Stadium or in fitting roomsat Macy’s?Princess: You know, I really don’tget that at all. I mean, he came tothe studio and he was totally professional.He’s great. I think that alot of that is just people going offon their own imaginations.Nardwuar: But he does have aporno company, doesn’t he?Princess: Yeah, he does. Yeah.Nardwuar: And have you investigatedthat at all, PrincessSuperstar?Princess: No. [laughs]Nardwuar: But about your ambitions?Beyond doing music – Imean, Kool Keith has a pornocompany. You and ass enhancers?You want to get on the ass bandwagon,don’t you?Princess: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah. Wewere going to market a line of assenhancers to make your buttocksbigger. We might do that. Um,yeah, man, I’m writing a hiphopmusical right now so I don’t knowwhere that’s going to go. All Iknow is that the first song I amwriting is for Ghostface Killa andDolly Parton to collaborate ontogether with me!Nardwuar: Well, that’s amazing!Princess: Yeah, so I hope they do itbut…Nardwuar: You don’t know eitherof them, do you?Princess: No, but, you know, I’velearned it’s pretty easy to find whoyou want to find.Nardwuar: Who has the best ass,do you think, Princess Superstar?Princess: [laughs] Oh my god,well, you know, Ghostface Killerdoes have a nice ass. [laughs]Nardwuar: You like MicrosoftWord, don’t you? Don’t younamecheck Microsoft Word,Princess Superstar?Princess: I sure do, because I usedto be a secretary back in the dayand so, yeah, Microsoft Word is agreat product.Nardwuar: How about BillGates’s ass? How is Bill Gates’sass, Princess Superstar?Princess: Oh, no, no. I don’t thinkI want to go there but I donamecheck also Steve Case, whoowns AOL.Nardwuar: Woah! Which you’vedumped, right?!Princess: [laughs] Yeah!Nardwuar: Princess Superstar.You live in New York? I mean, doyou experience everything? Areyou down with it? I mean, everythinghappens in New York. I knowyou haven’t been there a lot butcome on, there must have beensome wild parties? Are you downwith the scene? How do theyaccept you?Princess: Yeah, no, I do go to a lotof parties in New York when I’mthere. It’s great. I mean, it’s likeeverything is there. You’re totallyright. You can go in the hiphopscene, or you can go in the indierock scene. You can go whereveryou want and that’s what I love,you know, that is what has inspiredme as an artist.Nardwuar: But what parties haveyou been invited to rapwise? Whatcool rap parties? I’m just imagining!Have you visited like ODBnow that he’s in rehab or anything?!Princess: No, I’ve been fortunatefor that, but I have been to MissyElliott’s record release party andstuff like that.Nardwuar: [soundcheck noises]Oh wow, I guess you gotta gosoundcheck now... PrincessSuperstar, the half Canadian MC!Princess: [laughs] I’m American,but yeah honorary Canadian.Nardwuar: Well, thank you verymuch, Princess Superstar, keep onrockin’ in the free world, and dootdoola doot doo...Princess: Doot doot!To hear this interview go to:For more info on the Princesshop to:

Ayn Imperato94103Ayn ImperatoTwentyFistsThe small coastside town ofCayucos restored my faith in rockand roll. The people in that towndon’t just love music – theyexplode with it.The punk band I’m in, TheTramps, played down there at thelocal bar one weekend and wereally weren’t expecting much buta laid back time away from thehectic city of San Francisco wherewe live. But when we rolled intotown at midnight, Friday, therewas already a party screaming tolife. Beer cans were sailing fromthe beach house balcony wherewe were staying, as we pulled upto unload our equipment.Upstairs, people were runningaround like crazy, drinkingwhiskey straight out of the bottle,with punk and metal music blaringfrom four foot, skater-stickercoveredspeakers. One guy wasstaggering around, covered withblue magic-markered slogans: “Ilike ass” on one arm and a pictureof a giant penis on the other. Ithought this sort of thing onlyhappened when you passed outdrunk at a party – yet he was stillcoherent when he begged me towrite something else on his lastsquare inch of untouched flesh.Another guy was already passedout on the couch with his mouthhanging open, hugging a giantstuffed fish. It was barely twelve.Hanging out a bit longer, Ifound out that a bunch of theseguys were seasonal firefighters,finished with work for severalmonths after a long, brutal season.Their job, working for the forestrydepartment, is an extremely dangerousone. They are dropped offinto the middle of a burning forestto cut a break in the trees, whichstops the fire from progressingfurther. The job requires workingextreme manual labor – cuttingdown trees nonstop,8A good song is a good goddamn song. And worth a fist.sometimes for periods of fortyeighthours at a time – for approximatelyseven month stretches inorder to pull off the monumentaltask. At the end of the day they arecovered in soot, knowing thattomorrow the winds could changesuddenly while they’re working,causing the fire to jump across thefire break, which could possiblyburn them alive. All this to saveother people’s lives and theremaining forests. You can’tblame them for wanting to cutloose – real loose – on theirmonths off.The Cayucos Tavern is a humblebut jumping little place, and isthe only bar in town. Outside,there’s a cowboy mural welcomingyou. Inside, there are picturesof topless girls in furry chapspainted on the walls. At the bar,twenty-one-year-olds drink sideby side with sixty-one-year-oldsin their matching Cayucos Tavernsweatshirts. Old and young comingtogether over furry chaps andbeer.Saturday night we played atThe Tavern with two other localbands, Pat Riot and Broadzilla.We set up our equipment on thelong, narrow stage, which had astrange giant pole set up right inthe middle. It was a new challenge,setting up our drums, guitarand bass amp lengthwise, insteadof having the standard 3-D box towork with. The troublesome poleonly served to separate us more.But being the Tetris masters thatwe are, we managed to find positionsfor our equipment where youcould still hear everything okay,even if there wasn’t much roomto, say, move around. But the PAwas good and loud and that’s allwe really needed to make it work.As we kicked into playing, thesmallish crowd exploded. I lookedup to see twenty fists raised in theair. No one cared what we wore orthat our decrepit amps were severaldecades old, that our stuff wasset up in a row, or seemingly thatI was even a girl. The fists justflew. People sang along to someof our songs – they knew thewords even though our CD hadn’tbeen released yet. Someone hadmade copies of the demo we sentearlier and traded them with theirfriends. I had forgotten what thatwas like – I was from a small towntoo. But I had forgotten.I was now used to the big cityshow experience. In SanFrancisco, the most you canexpect from a crowd in a bar is afew stoic nods, along with a fewwild dancers who are, in fact, usuallypeople visiting from out oftown. Because to raise a fist inSan Francisco might be to admitto live and breathe and feel andfight and die. One thing’s for sure,people in small towns still do.Playing on that tiny stage inthat tiny town to a crowd of musicdie-hards made me rememberwhat it’s all about. Standing upthere, it wasn’t about sellingcopies of our CD or stroking ouregos on a lifted, gigantor stage. Itwas about those twenty fists,raised to the pure ecstasy of rockand roll.After the show, there was anafter party at the same house asbefore. I got too drunk too fast to

emember the two-drink maximum, butsomehow knew it wouldn’t apply here anyway.The life of the party was an underagedrunk guy in a leather jacket and cowboy hatwho had peed himself and was doing theRussian Hat dance in the middle of the livingroom in his wet, stained jeans. This was followedby a flurry of empty beer cans, whicheveryone pelted him with. And there were alot of empty cans at this point. He kept dancingwhile being pummeled with aluminumcans, stopping only momentarily to motionus with his hands – he was beyond speech –to keep the cans coming.And those fists continued to fly. Literally.At one point in the night, five people weredog piled on the couch, punching each othersimultaneously. It started out as a joke andsegued into a broken nose. The guy with thebusted schnoz staggered around the party forthe rest of the night, seemingly oblivious,with blood covering his white t-shirt.The next day, we woke up at noon. Wewere coated in beer but, thankfully, notblood. We stopped by the tavern later thatafternoon to say goodbye and were suckedback inside. Although the inside of the barwas slightly brighter with the sun shining inand we physically felt and looked a hell of alot worse than when we arrived, it was asthough the party had never really stopped.Inside, our eyes slowly adjusted to the dark.A bunch of people from the night beforewere sitting around with a few pitchers andpints, attempting to squash their hangovers.Johnny Cash was blaring from the jukebox.How could we leave? Just one more drink.Or six.The guys ordered martinis. As a joke.They slugged them, holding the small glassesin their big callused fingers, complainingabout how terrible they tasted. Then theyfilled the tiny, empty glasses up with beerand drank them with their pinkies out. I likedthese guys. These firefighter, rock and rollguys.And the fists were still rising – even inthe mid-afternoon – when a good song cameon the jukebox. Punk, metal, country. EvenNeil Diamond got a fist. Anyone who canequate AC/DC with Neil Diamond understandsrock and roll in my book. A good songis a good goddamn song. And worth a fist.Outside the sun slowly lowered and flatteneditself out, as though it was drunk too.The theme from the Dukes of Hazzard blaredout and there was a moment of silence, adead calm of clinking glasses in the distanceand murmured conversation. One of the largerguys stood up on his stool, clutched thebeer pitcher with both hands and raised it tothe ceiling, screaming, “Yeaaaaaaahhhh!”Everyone raised their glasses towards thepitcher in the air. Dukes of Hazzard episodesraced through our heads, under the crown oftwenty shining beer glasses, held in twentyfists. And for a moment that was all that matteredin that tiny punk rock town.-Ayn

Squeeze My HornLet me just say that a $1.99 can buy just enough toilet paper to clean up all the craphidden in between the pages of this excuse for a comic.Hi folks, it’s the holiday season and thingsare spinning out of control just nicely.Halloween was a giant bust. My dogs scaredaway the first bunch of kids and only two othergroups showed up after that. Halloween was oneof my favorite holidays and now it’s just a crappylet down. Hell, even the costumes suck. Weused to go to great lengths to have cool costumes.I never thought I would say it, but I’mgetting more bent and cynical as I grow old. Justthe other day, I questioned a co-worker as towhy she would want to bring a child into thisworld. All around us the world gets darker.There’s a powder keg in the middle east justwaiting for that guy who someone other thanmyself voted into presidency to blow up. Thatsame character is being allowed to take our civilliberties away from us. It took how many men tocreate this government and it seems just one istrying to become king.My real problem lies in the work force. Ifound a small booklet in the back seat of mytruck that I signed my life away for. It is mywork’s “code of business conduct.” In short, itvaguely states what I should do at work. Now,before I climb on my soapbox, let me set somegroundwork. I, Gary Hornberger, have a degreefrom Long Beach State in EngineeringTechnology, yet I work in a grocery store.Which one? I cannot say because my job tellsme I will get in trouble if I do. I know it’s myown damn fault that I’m still there and I comehome every day and beat myself up for it butthat’s my problem. My feeling is that a job issomething you go to do the best you can, clockout, and leave it there. This is a pipe dream! I’vehad several jobs and they all wanted to own me,even when I got home. So, in my currentemployment, they decided to make a departmentof “Ethics and Compliance,” something likewhat the leader of the U.S. did with HomelandSecurity. This is a company that, to this day, isstill trying to dodge a class action suit for makingworkers work off the clock. This is a companythat makes billions, according to thenewsletter, and claims it’s not making enoughand that’s why stocks are down. This is a companythat can afford to give salaries to managersin the triple digit range but complains that thegrunts are bleeding them dry (that would be us,the union types). I ask, what kind of ethics canthey ask me to follow? My manager, the guymaking the big bucks who tells me he’s god andcould have any of us fired? You mean thosekinds of ethics?It’s easy to say just get a new job, but we fallinto spaces – like good pay, good hours, or proximityto home – things that can hold one back10 from the unknown. In a nutshell,why is it that employment makes us give upsome of the rights we are granted by being anAmerican? Why is it that in order to get a paycheckI have to sell my soul? It is well knownthat the separation in wealth in this country iswidening with the lower income becoming thegreater in number. What does this say aboutbusiness in this country? I just don’t understandwhy we want our kids to go through this. WhenI was young, I don’t remember seeing the worldthis way. Why is it now that I regret getting upin the morning, and why do I wish I could justmake it to retirement? I’ll tell you why –because things are hitting the boiling point andwhen the lid comes off there’s not going to bemuch left. So, with that said, I will step off mybox and slink off to bed and wish you all goodnight hopes that you had safe holidays.BATTLEBEASTS AND BATTLERAPS$1.99 U.S.Let me just say that a $1.99 can buy justenough toilet paper to clean up all the crap hiddenin between the pages of this excuse for acomic. All the dialog is in rap, which makes ittotally impossible to follow any story line – ifthere was one. The characters are all escapeesfrom a zoo; there’s a power penguin, a shark thatbursts out of cool aid, some sort of cat, a dragon,and too many more misfits that really wouldbe meaningless to mention. What was going onin this guy’s head must have been drug-inducedbecause I don’t know anyone who could makesense of this book. I really can’t find anyredeeming qualities in this book. Perhaps if ithad a story, something, anything to follow andthe art wasn’t so distorted I could give a kindword. Rapping fantasy animals are just too farout there. If you’re daring with your money,please, please buy the X-men!GARISH ZOW COMICS #2$8I never understand why comics that are wellput together have no price tag. This collection ofstories is wonderful. It’s visually spectacularand, at the same time, thought-provoking. Fromthe very first story “Trail of Waste” to “TheHelpful Spirit,” I was knee-deep in enjoyment.“Trail of Waste” is about this giant head that isbusy laying waste to a river and causing havocto the life forms that use it. The main characteris a surveyor, who happens upon a small herd ofdeer or antelope, who plead with him to try tostop the giant. When the giant tells him to “getthe hell out of my way,” the surveyor and thedeer devise a way to spin the giant around andmake him eat his own waste. I wish I could dothat to some of the companies I’ve worked for.Another good story is the “Witch’s Mark.”When I was a kid, we read comics like Creepy –you know the ones that dealt with the spiritworld. This story is right on that tip. It’s aboutthese monks who decide to go on a witch huntbecause the people of the town are losing interestin religion. The monks go out and string upan old women who lives alone in the woods.Bluntly, these monks tell her why they’re doingit and she tells them that she’s not a witch butshe’s going to put a curse on them anyway.Guess what happens. The curse works and allthe monks involved basically go mad. Prettycool, huh? Of course, there are many more goodstories packed into this little gem, but I’m notabout to open the whole goodie bag. Get yourown candy, damn you. These guys even givetwo extra mini comics: one in the front coverand one in the back cover. Hopefully these guyswill get a contract with a store so consumers canpick up future copies, but for right now just dropthem a line. If you like thought-invoking storiespacked tight, then get your mitts on this one.(Hidden Agenda Press, 647 N. Santa Cruz Ave,St. E Los Gatos, CA 95030; )I FUCKED UP$.50 U.S.Any comic that sells for fifty cents is okaywith me. I don’t know what it is this time withcomics about guys and relationships, but here’s

another. Three guys give their accounts abouthow they fucked up with someone of the oppositesex. The one problem with this book is thatthe text in the first story is so fucking small thatyou want to just stop reading the thing at once,but somehow I prevailed. So, the first guy’s fuckup is with a girl from his work, and his first dateis – well, I’m not sure if he went to a movie orthey just sat in the car and got stoned – but,apparently, he kept tripping on his tongue.Somehow, this guy gets another date and whenhe falls asleep during the play, she decides togive him the boot. Next writer, please! Now thisguy is great. He decides to take this girl to amovie. After he’s off the phone he discovershe only has a dollar, so he decides to take herto the dollar movies to see, get this, StreetFighter. That’s right. A fucking Van Dammemovie. He drives but makes her pay her ownway. When they get out of the theater his carbattery is dead, so he leaves her in the lotwhile he finds someone to give him a jump. Isee everything is going quite well for thisyoung idiot. After a silent ride home, henever calls the girl for a second date. Twoyears later, he sees her friend in a coffeehouse and the friend says that the girl wascrushed he never called again because shereally liked him. How great is this story?Should this guy be emotionally scarred orwhat? Then there’s the last story that, at thispoint, just can’t compare to the second one.Here goes. The guy burns his nose trying tosmoke a spliff, tells his high school girlfriendthe story on the phone one night, and sheDear Johns him via the internet the next day.So there you have it, three fuck-ups. Why isit that another’s pain can lift me to laughter?I will admit that if these are real experiences,these guys have got guts and the ability tofind humor in dropping the ball. Here’s tothem for making the rest of us feel better.(gibnerd@hotmail.com)INTIMATE CITY#1, $??This one put me in limbo. The fact that thereis no visual disturbs my kid side, yet the way theauthor verbally expresses new love longing ismentally hitting the nail on the head. He seemsto be able, in words alone, to accurately depictthat blind loss of mental control we males havewhen we fall in love. Is it love or lust? I forget!Now, where was I? Oh yes, a story with no visual.Why this bothers me is weird because if therewere pictures, the whole concept of longingwould fall flat on the sidewalk, though withoutthe pictures, I’m finding it hard to describe thisbook other than just what it is – a guy spillinghis feelings with and without the girl he’s inlove/lust with. So, all I can tell you is to find thisrarity and tell me what you think. (e21@dangerous-minds.com)MR. CLICK / A CHARMED LIFE$1.50 U.S.Where do I start? I guess with Mr. Click,because A Charmed Life is just one of thosesocial commentary comics about the lows ofdrinking. Well, that takes care of that story. So,Mr. Click, the story is about a college kid whojoins a society of secrets. Actually, it’s two guyswho do only god knows, but they are going totrain him in whatever it is they do, and itrequires reading from their special book. Thebook is filled with forbidden knowledge that isfor members only. If you’re not a member, youreceive a visit from Mr. Click, who basicallycuts you up with a switchblade. It seems thatthis guy’s girlfriend gets her hands on the bookand she and her friends start reading thingsaloud when, of course, who should show up?You got it. Mr. Click. He ends up killing thewhole lot of them and there ends the story. Nowthat I think of it, this wasn’t much of a story,either. It’s pretty predictable, so maybe I’ll justleave this one alone and see if anyoneelszzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, did Ifall asleep? (Rubber Suit Comix, PO Box 1514,Royal Oak, MI 48068)RADISKULL & DEVIL DOLL$2.95 U.S., $4.70 Can.Hell has fury and it comes in the form ofRadiskull, a character straight off of a SuicidalTendencies album. He’s a floating skull with abandana and spiked hair and he hangs out withhis best pal, Devil Doll, who is a grade schooldemon. Together they like to create havoc. Firstoff, Radiskull gets hit by an SUV, which he proceedsto chase down unsuccessfully. Then hegets pissed at TV and smashes that up. Thingsreally get going when Radiskull fills in for DevilDoll at the Steamin’ Weenie while the Doll visitshis girl in heaven. Working in fast food is justnot right for Radiskull because he basically hasthe speech pattern of Ringo Starr in the movieCaveman. So, long story short, he ends up tearingthe place apart. I picked this one in the storebecause my nephew told me that this was oncable and he said it was pretty good. Maybe it’sthe medium that’s the problem. I found it to beon the kiddie side with moments of greatness.For instance, there’s a reference to a mullet hairstylethat the manager of Steamin’ Weenie hasthat got me to chuckle. Now, to tell the truth,I’m not sure where this is being marketed to. Itdoes have strong possibilities, so look for thisone. When you go to the store, thumb through itfirst and see if anything catches your eye.(www.radiskull.com)THRED$4.00 U.S.From the cover art I was tossing a coin, butI’ve got to say this is a cool story. Visually andverbally this is a great book. It’s a story aboutthe little guy against the big guy, with a wholelot of fantasy and magic thrown in. It’s the storyof an old man who makes toys on a far-offisland, Market Island. It is much different thanthe island on which he lives, which is just aseries of towering buildings. The poor live onthe lower levels where flooding is common. Onthe highest levels, where the governing bodylive, the water has no effect. The governingbody, of course, wants Market Island for aparking lot so they dispense an inspector tocheck permits. When he informs them thatthe government is kicking them out, a riotbreaks out. At this time, the old toy maker isjust coming to work and one of the robotsentries strikes and blinds him. In his searchfor medical help, a child takes him to a healerwhere he is given the bandages of lifewhich enable him to a new life and life tothree toys he creates. Together, they travelto confront the government. It is in theoffice of the minister of division that a battleinsues with the security robot capturingthe toy maker. When they unravel his bandages,they find nothing. But, that night thetide waters mysteriously drown the ministerof division. Afterwards, the governmentgives up on Market Island. All are left towonder, “Was it prophecy or coincidence?”This is one of those stories that give usworking stiffs the will to go on becausesomeone out there knows our problems. Imust say this book has the flavor of Suess’sThe Lorax in it with its sense of somethingpowerful in meaning in a light art form.(Bruce Orr, 1601, S. 8 th Street, 3rd Floor,Philadelphia, PA 19148; )TITILLATING TALESWell, I’m gonna have to say the nameis a little misleading. I wouldn’t exactly call thestories titillating, perhaps because the two talesare opposite of each other. One’s futuristic andthe other is a somewhat modern-day middleeast. The first tale is about this guy who gets hitby a car so hard that it knocks his protons aheadof his electrons. No, really! Look, it says soright here in the pages in black and white. Thedoctor who sees him wants to put him through amachine that will set everything back in line, butfor some unknown reason after the therapy, thisguy kills two muggers who attack him. Thenthis guy and his friends decide to sue the driverwho hit him, but down at the police station, nopolice report found. This is where we’re lefthanging to buy the next issue. Pretty soap operaof them, right? The next tale is from BartSimpson’s “damned if you do, damned if youdon’t” file. It’s about this kid whose father tellshim to watch his flock of sheep. You knowwhere this is going. Yes, big wolf eats sheep,boy gets in trouble, goes back out, kills wolf,and gets in trouble for that, too. I told you itwasn’t titillating. Alright, it’s chancy. You mightlike it or it may put you to sleep. I’m just lettingyou know before you get this one. (keepithiphop@hotmail.com)11

Felizon VidadShark BaitFelizon Vidad…it is more socially acceptable for a boy to play with guns than to play with dolls… isn’t it?Guns, Dolls, Michael & MeSean wanted to see the new Michael Mooremovie, Bowling for Columbine. He told me onMonday and Tuesday and Wednesday andThursday and Friday. Of course I only heard himon Saturday, when I was sitting at the computer,playing on the internet and bopping to Japanesepunk rock.“The movie starts at 4:15,” Sean said. “If weleave in twenty minutes, we can make it.”“Sure,” I said. I clicked onto eBay. I alreadyhad it bookmarked in Favorites.“I mean it,” Sean said. “You should startgetting ready.”“In a minute,” I said. I typed in a search forSea Wees. My most recently acquired Sea Weedoll from eBay dated back to last year, and I waspretty close to done with that obsessive doll-collectingphase. But I liked to see who was foolenough to bid as high as I used to.“I’m leaving in exactly twenty minutes,”Sean told me.“Okay,” I said. I returned to Favorites andclicked open the folder that I’d labeled Blythe!Blythe is a doll that I came across recentlyand accidentally. I’d been browsing throughkick-ass artist Lisa Petrucci’s website, checkingout her paintings of the Kute and Karnal, wantingvery badly to own the ones of Liddle Kiddledolls portrayed as bad girls and pin-up girls. Oneof the links on Lisa’s site took me to GinaGaran’s Blythe doll website. Gina Garan is aNew York-based photographer who foundBlythe by chance a few years ago. Blythe wasoriginally released in 1972 and was available foronly about a year. When you pulled a cordattached to the back of her head, her eyeschanged from pink to green to orange to blue.Every time you pulled the cord, Blythe’s eyeswould click to a different color. Her head wasabnormally out of proportion to the rest of herbody, to accommodate those rotating eyeballs.Gina took Blythe home with her and startedusing the doll as a model in her photographs. In2000, a collection of Gina’s photos were publishedin a book called This is Blythe. After thebook’s release, people suddenly wanted to beBlythe’s best friend. They wanted their own personalmulti-eyed, big-headed, skinny-bodied,kind-of-freakish-yet-kind-of-endearing doll thatprobably spooked a lot of little girls back in1972. Now, you can’t even expect to win theoriginal 1972 Blythe on eBay for under six hundredbucks. I know, because I tried.Anyway, so I clicked onto the Blythe websiteand started looking at the pictures in Gina’sphoto gallery. Some of them had already been12 published in her book; others weresnapshots that she’d taken on photography tripsaround the world. I liked the way Blythe lookedso lifelike, posed against interesting settings: aflaking, graffittied piece of Berlin Wall, or anovergrown garden that seemed like a shady forestif you looked at it from a doll’s perspective.Blythe also wore cool outfits as she posed forthese snapshots. One minute she was in a curlyblonde wig and black, shredded, punker-lookingclothes; the next minute she was in a red designerevening gown, complete with a slit up thethigh and a glamorous feather boa. My favoritepictures showed her wearing a fuzzy hand-knitstocking cap, flared seventies disco pants, vintageroller skates that really worked. Comparedto Blythe, Barbie was just a sad, stay-at-homesuburban wanna-be.I was nearly halfway through Gina’s photogallery and admiring a photo of two Blytheszooming along in a pink convertible when Seancame back into the room. He didn’t say a word.He went up to the computer, reached for themouse, dragged it to the Start button, andclicked a couple of times. The computer shutdown.“Hey!” I said.“Time to go,” Sean said. “I told you, twentyminutes.”Michael Moore’s Bowling for Columbinewas playing at the Rialto in South Pasadena. TheRialto is a seventy-five-year-old landmark theaterthat has so far avoided being mowed downand converted into a parking lot for yuppieshoppers in downtown South Pasadena. It’s notmuch to look at when you’re just standing outside,but inside is a different story. Sitting in theold-fashioned seats that click into a somewhatrecliningposition, looking around at the widebalcony and high ceiling and ornate architecture,you almost expect red velvet curtains todraw open for the first reel of Gone With TheWind, or some such movie. It looked to me likethe theater could have comfortably seated a fewhundred people, but there was maybe a smatteringof thirty in the audience, total. In the seatnext to mine, Sean groped through the tote bagI’d brought. He was searching for the twentyouncebottle of Pepsi we’d smuggled in, despitethe sign outside that made it clear that no outsidefood or drink was allowed. The people behind ustalked loudly about somebody’s cousin comingto town for the holidays. I closed my eyes andwaited for the movie to start. I had dolls on thebrain.When you are engrossed in looking at somethingas highly fascinating as multi-eyed, bigheaded,skinny-bodied dolls dressed up andposed to look like real people around the world,and when you are so rudely interrupted andbrought back to reality by your husband whowants to go see the new Michael Moore movie,then you will most likely still have your head inthe clouds, half an hour later, dreaming of collectingmore dolls and dressing them up andadmiring the way that you have posed them tolook like real people. When you are sitting in aseventy-five-year-old movie theater that makesyou feel as if you have stepped into a time warp,and your head is in the clouds – when you watchon the big screen in front of you an openingscene where a man gets to choose from a widevariety of guns when he opens an account at aNorth Country Bank in northern Michigan –when you’re thinking of dolls and looking atguns, then your mind begins to tell you thatsomething is not right with the world.The movie is not entirely about guns. It isnot entirely about bowling for Columbine,either. To try to describe, summarize, or explainthe themes and issues involved in this two-hourdocumentary that was brilliantly put together byMichael Moore, I would have to write an analyticalresearch paper, and neither you nor I havethe time or strength for that kind of dissertationat this point in time. Prevalent in the movie,though, is the idea that Americans live in a cultureof fear, and it is this fear which drives us toviolence. You can examine this notion on a normal,everyday level. Consider, for instance, howthe media is constantly making the public awareof “news” involving violence, someone else’scrimes, someone else’s death. Turn on the tv,switch on the radio, open up a newspaper andsee for yourself. After so much drama andtragedy and warnings, you could believe that itmight happen to you. You become fearful to thepoint where the idea of arming yourself willassuage any chances of you being the victim.When it comes to someone else’s crime, it’s notgoing to be your own death.Now, go one step further and examine thisnotion on a larger scale. Consider, for instance,that your fear runs on a greater level. Imagineyou’re a country, not a person. You’ve got toomany people pissed off at you; you’ve stuckyour army one too many times in places whereyou really should have been minding your ownbusiness. Your past involves a history of violenceand crime and death. And so, rather thanone or two guns stashed fully loaded in yourhome, you have an arsenal of thirty-million-dollarfighter planes, depleted uranium missiles,and self-healing mine fields – all of which willsafely ensure that when it comes to your crimes,it’s not going to be your own death.One thing that was glaringly obvious to methroughout Moore’s documentary was the completeand total absence of women in positions of

power. Men dominated. And not just regular,nice-guy men like my own dear husband and hispunk rock chums, but big-talking, macho-swaggering,you-picked-on-me-in-the-schoolyardso-now-I’m-all-grown-and-gonna-beat-up-onyou-with-my-weaponstype of men. Case inpoint: George Bush. Both of them. Second casein point: Charlton Heston, president of theNational Rifle Association and firm believer ofthe country’s “different ethnic groups” as reasonto blame for the presence of violence. Third casein point: well, you could fill in at least half adozen names for this one.So where are the women leaders, the womenpresidents? Why is it that we have men in chargeof our country? Why is it that we will most likelycontinue to maintain men in positions ofpower, positions in which they can ultimatelydetermine for us what is right and what iswrong?It occurred to me: if women were in chargeof negotiations and foreign policy, or if theywere in charge ofchoosing between,hmmm, let’s say,A) allocating thirtymillion dollarsto education and afree nationalhealthcare programor B) handingit over to thedefense industry tomake more bombsto kill innocentcivilians in foreigncountries – well,what do youthink? Would thestate of the Unionbe as violent andaggressive as it istoday?Okay, yes, onone hand, it mightbe. MargaretThatcher was apretty brutal leaderwhen she was theprime minister ofEngland. GoldaMeir in Israel wasno angel. And Hilary Clinton, the best chancethe US has had of a woman president in years,voted in favor of the attack on Afghanistan andbacks Bush in his most recent scheme to invadeIraq.Then again, after September 11, the firstmember of Congress to stand up to Bush andvote against the $40 billion plan to rape oursocial security system in the name of attackingAfghanistan was California Senator BarbaraLee, definitely not a man.The question of whether or not our countrywould be better off with women leaders is onethat invites arguments from all sides. One mightargue that a woman could be just as ruthless andaggressive as a man. But in making that statement,wouldn’t one also be acknowledging thatthere are gender stereotypes – that men are generallyconsidered more aggressive and dominatingthan women?If you think about it, the stereotypes areestablished pretty early in life. When you walkinto a children’s toy store, the toys are definitelyseparated and categorized. In one section arethe girls’ playthings: dolls; doll clothes andaccessories; dress-up items like imitation featherboas, sparkly purses, and plastic high heels;arts and crafts kits to make jewelry and stainedglass bottles; cooking and cleaning items justlike Mommy’s, but in miniature versions thatwork almost as well as the real thing. Just lookat the Easy Bake Oven and Snack Center, still aspopular today in 2002 as it was in 1964.Over on the other side of the toy store, separatedfrom the girly things, is the boys’ section.The selection will include toys that require amore rugged and less delicate sensibility: actionfigures like wrestlers and superheroes and GIJoe; Hot Wheels; Tonka trucks; constructiontoys like Erector sets, Legos, and Mega Bloks;and radio and remote-control stunt vehiclesincluding airplanes, paraplanes, hovercrafts,sailboats, submarines, ATVs, and skateboardscomplete with Tony Hawk-lookalike figures. Allconsidered masculine items, all intended for littleboys to play with. The pictures on the packagingwill tell you that.And it’s not just inside of the toy stores andtoy departments. The other week, I was at alarge outdoor craft fair where numerous vendorshad set up booths featuring their wares.Everything was handmade and homemade; therewere the usual things like clothing and jewelryand works of art to display. Then there was theone booth that made me stop, look, and leaveshaking my head. Apparently, the boothbelonged to dollhouse makers who catered to GIJoe and Barbie owners. On one half of the boothwere two-story dollhouses with pink wallpaperand cushiony furniture (sofas, beds, ottomans)meant to be utilized by Barbie. The other halfconsisted of two-story dollhouses with darkgreen camouflage paint and military-room furniture(desks, tables, war-charting wall maps)meant to be utilized by GI Joe. One half of thatbooth was “dollhouses” and the other half was“clubhouses.” Doesn’t matter. Ignore the stereotypicalcontents, and what do you have? A dollhouseis a dollhouse; a doll by any other name isstill a doll.But there you have it: a definite gender biasthat exists in children’s toys. There is a clearlydefined line between what constitutes appropriateplaythings for boys and what constitutesappropriate playthings for girls. Girls get toysthat are traditionally associated with femininequalities, and boys get toys that are identifiedwith rougher, tougher, stronger qualities.Crossing over the line is generally socially unacceptable.It is considered atypical and abnormalbehavior. If a little girl chose to play with GI Joerather than Barbie, she would be called atomboy or a butch or something along thoselines. If a little boy chose to play with Barbierather than GI Joe, he would be called a sissy, agirl, a fag. He’d be better off with GI Joe and hisclubhouse, with the maps and charts to plot awar, and the guns and bombs that come with it.After all, it is more socially acceptable for a boyto play with guns than to play with dolls… isn’tit?So what if menhad been givendolls to play withwhen they wereyounger? Not dollslike G.I. Joe orPower Rangers orSpider Man kind ofdolls, but cutedolls, cuddly dolls,dress-them-up-andbrush-their-hairkind of dolls. Whatif little boys got toplay with them andlove them and carefor them, and whatif it was sociallyacceptable to doso? Would thathave conditionedmen at a young ageto be more caringand more nurturing?And as awhole, would thathave helped us be akinder and morecompassionate population,rather thana society steeped in violence, hate, and aggression?Imagine, a world where dolls rule.Going home, I thought about all this in thecar and was quiet. I thought about Blythe andhow looking at Gina Garan’s pictures of hermade me smile. I thought about my doll collectiontucked away in the big blue suitcase-sizedfishing tackle box. I tried to remember the lasttime I took the dolls out. The Sea Wees, I decided,would need a good hair-brushing when I gothome.–FelizonNOTES*If anyone wants to give me a 1972 KennerBlythe doll for cheap (or free!), or knows ofsomeone who would, I will be your best friendfor life. You can come over to my house andplay dolls with me any time.** felizonvidad@hotmail.com.13Felizon Vidad

øRev. NørbLove, NørbIt’s hard to log data with a fist full of Jergens.Rev. Nørb{For clarity’s sake, in the first part of this column,the italicized and bolded sentences areNørb’s running commentary to the letters seekingadvice, which are in italics. –Todd}Dear Readership:Good morning. I am Rev. Nørb. This is myadvice column. I have NO FUCKING IDEAwhat i was thinking when i asked the powersthat-beif i could write an advice column forRazorcake. It’s already obviously proving to bethe worst idea i’ve ever had since my idea for anationwide chain of Latino Catholic gay barscalled “Hole y Balls.” Actually, wait, i take thatback: Once, in my youth, i was at a party involvingthe making of blender drinks, and opted towhip myself up a chunky and delicious beverageconsisting of whiskey, ice cream, and bratwurst.That might’ve been an even stupider idea thanthis one (in my youthful exuberance, i had forgotten,of course, how repulsive i find the tasteof whiskey). I guarantee that the following letterswere made up by non-fictitious entities whoare not myself (i could, obviously, make upmuch better fake letters if i was of a mind to),and that, in essence, I’VE GOT ALL THEANSWERS, although i still am roundly unsureas to who stole the keeshka.Dear Rev. Nørb:I just wanna say that i’m a HUGE fan. That lastBoris album was simply the bee’s knees and iactually had to go out and buy a second copy formy best friend Missy ‘cause she wanted to borrowmy copy and i totally was like, uh, uh, i listento this bad boy DAILY.... Anyway, here’s myproblem (Hey, if you actually liked the lastBoris record, i already KNOW your problem.):About a month ago, i was searching througheBay looking for all things Boris when i cameacross a record by a band called SuburbanMutilation. The description said you were thesinger or something, and ‘cause as i’m such abig fan, i thought it would be great to hear sometotally dope non-Boris pop punk tunez. Nextthing i know, i’m in this righteous bidding warwith some bitch named “Skank” or somethingover this album. Every time i bid, she ups me bya nickel. Next thing i know, we’re up to $200.75and she boosts it up to $200.80. And that’s whenit happened: i accidentally forgot to add the decimalpoint in my bid and ended up bidding$20,085! Next thing i know, i’ve won the stupidbid war and i’ve got some guy insisting that iHAVE to pay up. So, being the resourceful girl iam, i charged it to daddy’s card, totally thinkinghe’d never notice. Anyway, two weeks later i getthe album and put it on, and now i feel totallygypped. This doesn’t sound like you at all(Please. Cookie Monster was a very underratedvocalist.). The music’s all noisy and fast andscreechy. Not very punk at all...(The funnything is that when said record – The OperaAin’t Over Til the Fat Lady Sings, on ReamedPork Records, the direct forebear of Bulge –was released [1984 i think], people who werefamiliar with the band’s live show felt that therecording was “too clean” for SUM [dear reader:you’d kinda hafta hear the record to appreciatethe enormous craziness of that statement...and, of course, since they’re apparentlyretailing for $20k right now, if you weren’t“fortunate” enough to score a copy during theeleven years it took me to shift all 1,000 units,that doesn’t appear real likely]; what’s reallyeven funnier is that I AGREE [that is to say, “IDON’T OBJECCCCCT!!! I DON’T OBJEC-CCCT!!!”] – as distorted, chaotic, noisy, outof-tuneand fucked-up as that record is, it isNOWHERE NEAR as distorted, chaotic, etc.as we really sounded. Two main reasons: #1)We got all excited when we found out that thestudio guy had a Marshall stack we coulduse in lieu of our guitar player’s $90 Crateamp – the Crate delivered the most feedbackper-poundof any amplification device, ever,and was the secret of our sound, which we didn’trealize at the time, because we were abunch of moronic teenagers from Wisconsin;and #2) Being the company guy that i am, i waspracticing the bass parts in my bedroom thenight before we recorded, and broke my E-string. I replaced it with the E-string off myfirst bass [which i wrecked on April 8, 1983,jumping off the stage into the pit during a set atthe Wil-Mar Center in Madison opening forH?sker D?... i got slammed further away frommy amp than my cord would allow, and, likeany good $50 bass, instead of the cord justcoming out, the cord stayed IN and ripped theplate and the wires right out of it, fatally guttingmy axe beyond repair], which was cutshorter than appropriate for my bought-new$150 Kay bass. Anyway, i got the thing tostay on, thought it would be okay, was toocheap/punk to go buy new strings, and we gotto the studio, tuned everything up, etc., etc.,were ready to go, okay, TAPE ROLLING,HERE WE GO, and i hit that first big “BWUR-RRRMMMMM!!!” on the E that starts off“Daddy Was a Nazi” – and the string just fuckingFALLS OFF. Just PLOP! – and the string’slying on the floor. The studio guy let me use hisRickenbacker, which was cool for about thefirst ten seconds when i thought i was BruceFoxton, but i quickly realized that RICKEN-BACKER BASSES FUCKING SUCK TOPLAY, and do not yield anywhere near theproper amount of fucked-upness necessary fora quality hire like SUM. Fuck Marshall,fuck Rickenbacker – Crate and Kay arethe Way and the Light. But, yeah – that albumwas kind of our sell-out album ‘cause of thepussy Marshall stack and Rickenbacker[and also because we didn’t record it on aboombox in our drummer’s bedroom, like ourtrack on the Barricaded Suspects compilation{which just got rerelased on CD, even thoughthe only good song is “I Hate the Motorcyclist”by the Dull, but please send me band copiesanyway, whoever put it out}]. Brand Awarenessis Freedom!) (oh, if you’ve never heard thealbum, let me put things in perspective for you:Jello Biafra bought about fifteen or twentycopies during his lifetime to give to his “weirdfriends” [his words] for holiday gifts [“theydon’t make records that fucked-up any more”]– mull THAT over, folks.) i think the guy was atotal thief ‘cause it totally is you on this steamingpile of turtle scrode... and now my dad iswigging out ‘cause he got his credit card statementand there’s this charge on there for$20,085 to a guy named Dicky Ballwhacker inPoughkeepsie and he totally KNOWS i’m theone who put it there and he says i’m groundeduntil i turn eighteen which is a whole FIVEYEARS FROM NOW!!!! Nørb, you’re my onlyhope. I need $20,085, Nørb, and seeing asyou’re a big, rich punk singer ‘n’ all, i was wonderingif you’d give it to me. (Well, if you’rereally a thirteen year old girl, i’ll CERTAINLYfucking “give it to you.” However, if it’s moneyyou want, do what i do when i need a couplethousand bucks i feel i’m rightfully owed: Callup Greg Ross at Go-Kart Records twice aday and ask where your check is.) Like i said,i’m your biggest fan and will be ‘til the day iDIE, so can you help me out? Maybe if i pay mydad back, he’ll let me off restriction. I tried toresell the album on eBay, but the most anyonewill bid is $17.48 (Untrue. Mitch Cardwellfrom HitList just paid $54 for a copy oneBay.). i’ll even give you the SuburbanMutilation record and the address of the nobblerthat ripped me off. Nørb PLEASE HELP!thanks in advance,Syndie FelchmongerBeverly Hills, CA 90210Dear Syndie:My advice to you is to use whole dollar amountswhen bidding online. eBay and other online biddingsites do not require a decimal point to entervalid bids. For example, the next time you arebidding on a Suburban Mutilation album, enter

“25,085” instead of “25,085.00.” You will eventuallyrecoup the money you overbid by avoidingfuture errors of this nature. Also, startspelling your first name with a “C.”Love,Nørb...our second letter is virtually as inane:Dear Rev. Nørb,Hey uhm... I’ve got a slight problem. Well, myfriend, really... you see, my friend has gotthis hamster named Sally... (That’s funny– there’s this guy who works in the samebuilding as me whose cross-dressingidentity is “Sally.” What’s really amusingabout THAT is that he’s got thesebusiness cards with his photo on itlabeled “owner,” and then a photo of“Sally” on the other side, labeled“Receptionist” – and what’s funny aboutTHAT is that i can’t help but visualizethis guy sitting around in drag all day atthe receptionist’s desk, then dashingaround like Robin Williams in Mrs.Doubtfire, changing clothes in a madcapfrenzy whenever someone walks in.) andmy, uh, friend thought it would look cool ifshe spraypainted Sally entirely brightgreen, and shaved and sprayed the sides ofhis head into a purple mohawk (Well, i’llrun it past him at our next building cookout.).Well my friend is kind of... dumb.(Yeah, i know. Ask her if you can tape herSuburban Mutilation album sometime.) Soshe used that latex spraypaint crap. Now,Sally’s fur is really stiff and he seems slightlyretarted (Did somebody spray paint YOUbright green, or is your “retartation” congenital?).He’ll just lay on the little spinnywheel on her back, waving his paws up anddown and in circular motions. He walks incircles and squeaks incessantly during thenight (Are you sure you haven’t just transformedyour hamster into Kobe Tai?). Hehumps carrots. (Never mind. You turned himinto Shay Sweet.) He gets out during the nightand chews through my guitar strings and makesholes in my drums. Little bastard. Should i justflush him already?Thanks,-Mister Sock PuppetDear MSP:The fact that your pet rodent’s newly acquiredattitude compels it to destroy your musical gearis likely merely a heightened level of proactiveself-preservation brought about its having hadthe misfortune of being forced to listen to youplaying atonal accompaniments to White Stripesand Hives songs in a futile attempt to impressyour girlfriend once too often. Your pet hasmerely been given awareness of the age-oldstreet maxim that “Talk Minus Chewing = 0”,and has taken steps to cut off the root of hisabuse at the source. Disregard these antics – it’ssimply the price one pays sometimes for petownership, just as one or two completelydevoured articles of furniture (hmm...wasn’t thatVic Bondi’s old band?) per week is considered afair trade-off for all the years of great acquaintance-maulinga young Rottweiller will provide.Further, your short-sighted lack of scientificinquisitiveness has caused you to completelymiss the boat on Sally’s true calling: MisterSock Puppet, unto thee i charge this sacred duty– GET THEE TO A ROCK-O-METER,TOOT SWEET!!! (you will doubtless recallthe Rock-O-Meter from the movie Rock ‘n’Roll High School – the scientific device intowhich white mice could be inserted, then subjectedto various levels of rock-itude, in anattempt to catalog the ill effects of rock musicon mammalian life forms. I assume any reasonablyequipped high school science lab has one.)I mean, let’s face it: There really have been noLate Breaking BorisEuropean Vacation PhotosPertaining toLast Issue’s Column.significant advances in Rock-O-Meter researchfor over two decades, owing to the generalbelief that Rock-O-Meter-ology had hit an evolutionarydead end when Ramones-levels ofrock-itude were charted. And this is understandable:As you know, when the laboratory micewere subjected to relatively low levels of rockitude– Pat Boone, Kansas, Peter Frampton, TheLost Sounds – they exhibited little if any negativereaction (i already made the Fuck-Ups jokein Flipside, sorry). Mid-grade Rolling Stonestyperock-itude levels caused noticeable agitationin the subjects however, and Ramones-leveldoses caused total combustion of the test animals,rendering future explorations of post-Ramones rock-itude levels seemingly pointless:IF YOU ROCK HARD ENOUGH, THEMOUSE WILL BLOW UP. End of story.Therefore, to the best of my knowledge, no oneever bothered to run a Rock-O-Meter study onlike Teengenerate, or “Roaring Blood” byGuitar Wolf, or even the CD remix of RawPower, as the results were a foregone conclusion:The mouse would blow up. Big deal. As aresult, the interest in Rock-O-Meter-ology atrophied;funds dried up; the discipline, for allintents and purposes, ceased to be. But ah,Mister Sock Puppet! DOCTOR Sock Puppet!What wondrous cogs of fertile inquiry you haveset into motion in the precision-craftedBetamax of my mind! Rock-O-Meter-ologystalled fatally after the invention of theRamones only because no Rock-O-Meter-ologistof times past had the foresight to see pastVariable X – the intensity of the rock-itude (notsurprising, given the fact that they were all abuncha squares [tho’ this could be belied by thefact that the Vince Lombardi High science labca. 1979 clearly displayed signage making referenceto not one but two Song Titles O’ Rock:“Silence Is Golden” by the Tremoloes {whichain’t gonna blow up anyone} and “WhiteMice” by Sweet {which actually might}]).HOWEVER! With your unwitting help, i cansee shimmering vistas of rebirth and renewalon the glorious Rock-O-Meter horizon! Wecan RESURRECT this noble field of scientificendeavor by making adjustments toVariable Y – THE MASS OF THE TESTSUBJECT!!! Is it not true, Mr. Pup, that,generally speaking, HAMSTERS ARE, INFACT, MUCH LARGER THAN MICE???And would it not also be true, Mr. Pup, thata test subject of GREATER MASS couldreasonably be expected to absorb a HIGH-ER DOSE OF ROCK-ITUDE beforeexploding??? And COULD IT NOT ATLEAST BE THEORIZED, Mr. Pup, that aLARGER TEST SUBJECT, SUCH ASYOUR HAMSTER, MIGHT (theoretically)NOT (gasp!) BE ATOMIZED INTO ACLOUD OF WHITE VAPOR BY ANYROCK FORCE OF LESSER INTENSITYTHAN, SAY, TEENGENERATE’SCOVER OF “THIS IS ROCK & ROLL”BY THE KIDS??? This, then, is yourCALLING, Mr. Pup! Let the jaded and thejaundiced mouth and re-mouth the hoaryrhetoric of “Has Science Gone TooFar?”!!! By Thunders, if ye’re HALF theswab i thinks ye are, ye, as i, shall turn thyback on times past, and turn thy front to AGLORIOUS NEW FUTURE OFTOMORROW by asking “HAS SCI-ENCE MAYBE NOT GONE FARENOUGH???!!?!?!!!” (and now, okay,fine, you’re saying “Sure, Rev. Nørb, you TALKa good Glorious New Future of Tomorrow. Butwhat are YOU doing in the name of AdvancingScience? What experiments do YOU conduct inthe name of glorifying tomorrow’s new future offuturistic newness?? Perhaps it is YOURScience, YOUR cerebrological kung-fu, thatdoes not go far enough!” Feh! I resent the implication,and refuse to respond to the Senator’sallegations! REV. NØRB’S FUCKING SCI-ENCE GOES ALL THE WAY, DADDY!!! And,not that i owe anything to anyone who goesaround naming their hamster after a fuckingcross-dresser [and, Jesus, why “Sally,” of all thestoopid names, for his cross-dresser identity? If iliked dressing up like a chick {which i do, butnot often enough to warrant carving out a separatepersonality for myself}, i’d give myselfsome completely lunatic chick name, like“Torii” or something. Oh, wait, that’s a guy’sname, unless the center fielder for 15Rev. Nørb

the Minnesota Twins is actually a chick. Well,whatever. I guess i’d just be “Nørbii” then, or isthat a guy’s name too? If so, has “Tomoko” beentaken?], but, since i, as Earth’s Greatest Rocker,have a certain public face to maintain, i willgrace you with an overview of the project which– MERELY IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE,AND THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH ITSTANDS – i have currently whelmed myself,body and soul: I call it... THE SPEEDCOREENDEAVOR. In short, i’m jerking off to pornomovies. I know, i know, big deal, right? Ah, butNOW i’m jerking off to them on DVD. Is thisbeginning to make sense yet? I’m also TAPINGthe DVDs onto VHS tapes [porno DVDsare rarely copy-protected, which i findfucking amazing, because even the DVDthat came with my Mad Capsule MarketsCD was copy-protected]. Now, HERE’Swhere it gets good: FIRST i tape [and jerkoff to] the movie in fast motion – assumingmost DVD player conventions are more orless the same as mine is, this initial runthroughis done on the “two clicks fast”speed – where you hit the fast forward buttontwice, and two rightward-pointing arrowsappear on the screen. In case you’re unfamiliarwith the process, viewing DVDs at thedouble-fast speed is not like watching avideotape on fast-forward, where the movementis merely sped up: Double-clicking thefast-forward button causes the movie to playas a rapidly-progressing series of still images,so it’s sort of like watching a quickly-movingslide show [minus the commentary by Pattyand Selma], therefore, watching a porno movieon double-fast is like PUSSY. PUSSY AT ANANGLE. HIP. ASS. ASS AT A DIFFERENTANGLE. ASS FURTHER AWAY FROMCAMERA AND PART OF BACK. ENTIREBACKSIDE AND BACK OF HEAD. ENTIREBACKSIDE AND BACK OF HEAD AT DIF-FERENT ANGLE. Etc. You’re kind of just jerkingoff to a riot of fast-changing sexual imagery[needless to say, Science suggests you spare notthe mind-altering substances during research, solong as they do not impair your ability to ejaculate].A standard five-to-six scene porno DVD isover in about, i dunno, ten minutes? Fifteen?Five? I never timed it. It’s hard to log data witha fist full of Jergens. Anyway, when that’sdone, i run ‘er again – this time just one arrowfast. As opposed to two-arrows-fast motion, onearrow-fastmotion IS actually like watching asped-up videotape, not a sequence of still images[obviously, from a technical standpoint, everymotion picture is ultimately a sequence of stillimages... but you know what i mean]. Onearrow-fastspeed also has the misfortune ofyielding a soundtrack of sorts – fragmented blipsand blurts as the movie cruises along – but, obviously,anyone who’s watched pornographic filmsin any quantity realizes that these things arealways best viewed with the MUTE button hitand the stereo on anyway [my new fave pornosoundtrack music is the Beat Beat Beat series ofMerseybeat rarities double CD sets, which causeall manner of happy lab accidents to occur:Johnny Sandon & the Remo Four singing aboutmaking a “magic potion...to stimulate her devotion”during an ejaculation sequence; DannyStorm and the Strollers urging “let the sun shinein... on my backdoor one day” during the obviousactivity, etc...]. Therefore, the sped-up [yetstill “realistic”] pace, coupled with the MUTEoption, hearkens wistfully back to the days of sittingin peep show booths, watching pornos projectedsilently [save for the filthy whirrs andclicks of the movie projector] on the back of thestall door, but also allows the viewer his [or her]first opportunity to see anything he [or she]might’ve liked the first time thru as somethingother than a sequence of static images. So youjerk off again. This time through takes, like,what, forty-five minutes or something, duringwhich time you SWEAR that you are the biggestfreak/dunce/fuckwad in the world, and will go tobed following the conclusion of the one-arrowfasttaping. Which you don’t do, because by thetime the one-arrow-fast taping is completed,your interest has been piquedIt’s already obviouslyproving to be the worstidea i’ve ever had sincemy idea for a nationwidechain of Latino Catholicgay bars called“Hole y Balls.”again. The third time thru, i just tape my favoritescene – or my favorite scene plus parts of anyother scenes i might particularly dig – in regularmotion. Invariably – assuming there’s one prettygood scene in the movie, which there usually is– the fact that the motion is now slowed down toreal time speed, and the duration of said scenenow appears like an near-endless visual sexualbuffet [as opposed to “fast food” and “energybar”] renews prurient interest, and i jerk off athird time. When all this merry fol-de-rol is completed,i go back to my favorite PARTS ofscenes, and tape them in slow motion [PAUSE +the fast forward button, from one to three arrowsslow {one being the slowest}]. This usuallyworks out amazingly well, because, the first timethru, it’s just like WHEE! PORNO! LOTION!SPURT! The second time thru, i’ve alreadyestablished a favorite scene, which is likely thescene i jerk off to. The third time thru is probablythe same scene. Said scenes generally tend tobe girl/girl scenes, unless there’s a scene involvingan Asian female, in which case, i likely tapeboth/all. The fourth, slow-mo time thru, i’m ofttimesbeginning to burn out on the girl/girlscene, which works out well: Slow motion isobviously meant for cum shots. Soooo... i tapeany and all top-flight cum shot action, and jerkoff for a ridiculous a fourth time. Then i eject thetape, mark it “SPEEDCORE X” [i alphabetizethe volumes using the QWERTYUIOP Model –so volume one was Speedcore Q, volume twowas Speedcore W, etc.], wash my hands, andgo to bed. The amazing thing about this all isthat i manage to jerk off FOUR TIMES inunder TWO HOURS, which i NEVER recallhaving done under any other circumstances. Imean, that’s a fucking LOT of seed spilt in arelatively short interval in the name of science;surely you grant me that? But anyway,anyway, anyway – the scientist in you is likeYES, GREAT, WE LOVE TO HEAR YOUREGALE US WITH TALES OF COPIOUSMASTURBATION, WHAT THE FUCKDOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SCI-ENCE??? Well, glad you asked that, Mr. Pup.What it has to do with science is that i, Rev.Nørb, am preparing my neurological systemsfor THE EVENTUAL PERILOUS HOP TOTHE SIX-AND-A-HALF-DIMENSIONAL B-SIDE UNIVERSE!!! I will, for the uninitiated,summarize the origins of my theories ofthe nature of the B-side universe: 1.Physicists have, for the last decade or so,postulated that our universe has “ten oreleven” dimensions; 2. There are differingtheories on where the other MysteryDimensions are; some say that the missingsix or seven dimensions are all wrapped upin a tiny ball somewhere, others that themissing dimensions form a “dwarf twin”universe; 3. It’s theorized that theseunknown dimensions splitting from ourknown dimensions was the cause [result?]of the Big Bang, but, hmm, now that i thinkabout it, 4. How many dimensions does ouruniverse have, anyway? Scientists willgenerally say “three spatial dimensionsand one temporal dimension,” but 5. Isthat three dimensions or four dimensions, then?And 6. Why is it the standard view of Sciencethat “space” and “time” are “the same” – hencethe expression “space/time” – but that thedimensions we experience fall into two differentcategories, “spatial” and “temporal?” Therefore7. wouldn’t i be justified in saying that we live ina “three or four” dimensional universe, since noone can give a clear, unqualified answer if ouruniverse is 3D or 4D, and, thusly 8. doesn’t itstrike you, then, as a bit odd, that the total numberof dimensions is put at “ten or eleven,” thetotal number of Mystery Dimensions is “six orseven,” and the total number of dimensions weexperience in our universe is “three or four?”Like, they’re ALWAYS within ONE of theauthoritative dimension count, but never closeror further away THAN one? Therefore, from thisdata, i, Rev. Nørb, Earth’s Greatest Rocker andScientist At Large, have hypothesized the followingTheory Of The Six-And-A-Half-Dimensional B-Side Universe:17Rev. Nørb

The reason everyone is always off by exactlyONE dimension is because there’s one dimensionthat is common to both universes: Time.Further, the original [or at least preceding] universewas eleven-dimensional. The Big Bangwas caused by the fourth dimension, Time,shearing in half [or at least into two differenthunks] ‘cause it was DEFECTIVE! FAULTY!FUCKED UP! PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE, ISAY!!! There’s three dimensions on our side ofthe time-rupture; six on theirs, and both universesshare the cracked dimension in the middle,Time [which is why Time behaves so screwilycompared to Length, Width, and Depth].However since we [and they] only haveaccess to HALF the fourth dimension,we’re stuck going one way on it. Like, wegot the northbound lanes, they got thesouthbound lanes, and there’s no exits.IT’S WORSE THAN THE FUCKINGINDIANA TOLLWAY!!! Both our 3.5dimensional universe, and their 6.5 dimensionaluniverse, exist in the same place, atthe same time, BUUUUUUUUUTTTT...they’re going backwards in time as we’regoing forwards [my apologies to anyonewho already read this stream of horseshitelsewhere], so, if Reality was a big cassettetape with the Briefs on one side and the Spitson the other, our “Silver Bullets” is their“Take Back the Alley.” Now, i, ReverendNørb, Earth’s Greatest Rocker And DamnProud Of It, have come to the conclusion thati, Reverend Nørb, Earth’s Greatest Rockeretc., am some day, whether i like it or not,going to die. I find this somewhat unacceptable.Now, i realize that there are variousearthly theories on how one might best sidestepOblivion, and that’s fine. However, i occasionallyam struck with the feeling that, uh,perhaps no one is really minding the storeupstairs, and i’d best come up with a Plan B.This is my Plan B: Sometime during my lifetime,i gotta find some way to fling myselfacross to the other side of the time rupture. Theni can just chill out in the 6.5 dimensional B-sideuniverse – where Time, as we understand it,flows backwards – until i’m about four years oldin this universe again. Then i’ll fling myself backhere, and start heading forwards thru Time again,and i’ll keep doing it until i think of somethingbetter to do, like riding first the Up and then theDown escalators between the 3rd and 4th floorsof Younkers or something. To pull this off,however, i am almost certainly going to have todemolish my preexisting concepts of Time; themoment of orgasm, regardless of the banality ofits production, must somehow [i’m guessing]throw some manner of electrochemical spikeinto the usual tepid morass of psycho-neuralactivity – therefore, ejaculating four times whilewatching the same porno imagery played at fourdifferent speeds can’t HELP but begin torearrange my brain and nervous system into aformat tending towards greater compatibilitywith our 6.5 dimensional B-side twins. Plus, imean, come on, jerking off successfully fourtimes in two hours, that’s fab and gear! Now, ofcourse, i realize that you are all Men [andWomen] of Science here, and you’re naturallyskeptical of my genius. See that you are. Youlikely wish to see some manner of tangible resultstemming from my research into the SpeedcoreEndeavor. Very well. I was speedcoring a flickcalled American Cheries – that’s right, notAmerican CHERRIES, but American Shay-REEEZE [oh, and i’m SURE that was intentionaland not a spelling error; pornographers are anerudite bunch]. The two-arrow-fast session transpiredas scheduled. During the first scene of theone-arrow-fast screening, i saw something thatlooked like an unscheduled blip flash on thescreen. I backed things up, and ran the blip atnormal speed. It lasted approximately a secondand a half [my stopwatch said 1.45 secondswhen i timed it later; since the blip appears tocontain forty-eight different frames, and thevideo equipment i most recently used used a thirty-frames-per-secondformat, the blip might beas much as 1.6 seconds long]. I ran it on slowmotion,and it still went bytoo quickly, so i went frame-by-framethrough it. Let me set the scene: AmericanCHERIES starts with a nude [and quite serviceable,meow meow] girl, butt to the camera, makingout with some goon who looks kind of likemy old boss Richard from Domino’s onsteroids. For no apparent reason, there is then...The Blip. Slowed down from its original 1.6 secondmaximum possible duration, here is, frameby-frame,what flashed on the screen. “Black”means a solid black background with white letters;“White” means white background w/blackletters [the numbers are not part of The Blip]. 1(black): LOVE IS HATE • 2 (white) BOMBSKEEP US FREE • 3 (black) TASTE is theENEMY of ART • 4 (large star shape over thecouple) • 5 (white) minds are for PEOPLE whoTHINK • 6 (black) beLIEve • 7 (white) WHAT •8 (black) YOU • 9 (white) ARE TOLD • 10(black) you WANT • 11 (crazy scrawly hand letteringthat’s black, white, and partially see-thruover the couple) ELVIS • 12 (white) TRUTH •13 (black) but you NEED • 14 (black) LIES • 15(black) MONEY is the ROOT of ALL • 16(screen mostly black, white horizontal stripe attop, shot of couple partially visible above stripe)• 17 (white) FREEDOM • 18 (bottom two-thirdsblack, two white horizontal stripes, couple scenevisible between the stripes) • 19 (black) is aMYTH • 20 (four white horizontal stripes, blackareas alternate with couple shot areas betweenthe stripes) • 21 (white) ELVIS is ALIVE • 22(couple shot with black burst shape coming infrom top right) • 23 (black) WE WE we we WEwe • 24 (couple shot with black burst shape comingin from top left) • 25 (white) are DEAD • 26(crude drawing of singer, maybe Elvis, in whiteoutline with black interior, superimposed overcouple) • 27 (black) INFORMATION isPOWER • 28 (black screen with couple shot partiallyvisible in various broken horizontal stripeshapes) • 29 (white) SUSPICION BREEDSCONFIDENCE • 30 (black) A STILL • 31 •(white) TOUNGE (sic) • 32 (crude possibletongue shape in black w/white outline superimposedover couple shot) • 33 (black) MAKES AHAPPY • 34 (white) LIFE • 35 (black)WATCH MORE TV • 36 (what appears to bethe word “MOJO” written across couple shotin huge scrawly crazy letters with some partswhite and other parts see-thru) • 37 (white)WATCH MORE TV • 38 (white cross shapesover partially black, partially couple shotbackground) • 39 (black) LOVE is HATE • 40(white) BOMBS KEEP US FREE • 41 (radiatingblack spike shapes superimposed overcouple) • 42 (black) know future • 43 (vaguelypopuluxe black & white design superimposedover couple) • 44 (white) EVERYTHING • 45 (huge asterisky type shape overcouple) • 46 (black) ANSWER AUTHORI-TY • 47 (black) YOU KNOW • 48 (white)ALL HAIL RONNI RAYGUN! ...then thechick takes off the guy’s clothes, he gets onhis knees and goes down on her, she goesdown on him, he goes back down on her[Richard! My man!] on a lawnchair, thenthey fuck doggy style by the pool. But,yeah, the whole Blip took 1.6 seconds max,with each of the 48 frames cataloged abovelasting, presumably, 1/30 of a second.Obviously, discovery of this message surelyindicates that i am, without question, theChosen One; destined to hop the TimeChasm as often as i see fit and to live for allLoopy Eternity. It is not often that a guysitting home jerking off to porno moviescan make this claim, but... let’s face it: My sexualexperiences are way fucking more post-threedimensionalthan yours, and i don’t even haveanyone helping me right now. The applicationsfor internship are available thru Razorcake).Anyway, Pup, the only thing you need to rememberis that you gotta make sure your hamster iswhite before you try to blow him up; otherwiseit’s cruelty to animals. Therefore, my advice toyou is this: Throw your hamster, alive, into alarge pail of either peroxide or bleach (remember,only albinos can be blown up without inflictingneedless pain). Sooner or later, his fur shouldbe really white and his eyes should be really red(i’m immune! suburban disease! ...er, sorry, thatwas lame), at which point in time he’s fair gamefor Rock-O-Meter testing. Report back with yourfindings, and i’ll see about the status of yourgrant. Thank you for advancing humanity.Løve,NørbThis ends another exciting installment of myadvice column. Please send your questions tome, Rev. Nørb, at either PO Box 1173, GreenBay WI 54305 USA Earth, or, and remember:The future of basketball depends on thosewhose last names end in the letter “C,” soyou’d better plan accordingly.19Rev. Nørb

,I’m Against ItSounds like Caesar should’ve started wolfing down less drive-thru and moreCAESAR SALADS once the pack of hot dogs appeared mysteriously on the back of his neck.responsible – adj. 1. Accountable,as for something within one’spower. 2. Involving duties orobligations. 3. Being the sourceor cause of something. 4. Havingthe capacity to make moral decisions.5. Able to discharge obligationsor pay debts. 6. Reliableor dependable.The definition seems clearenough, doesn’t it? If you cancomprehend what you read, it is.Yet there are some people stuckin that bass-ackward dimensionof our existence who seem tothink that any kind of responsibilityis someone else’s chore tohandle. Recently, this display ofidiotic (and fucking sickening)proportion has once again beenbrought to my attention – theobesity lawsuits against theMcDonald’s corporation. And bythe way, folks, let’s get one thingout on the table here – in no wayam I defending McDonald’s, orany other corporation for thatmatter. That’s not the reason whyI’m about to go into detail here.We all know that there are hornsholding up McDonald’s gleaminghalo, absolutely. The agendawith this particular column isabout taking a look on howridiculously fucking stupid peoplecan seem, or, god forbid, reallyare. We clear on this? Good.This past November, lawyersfiled a class-action lawsuitagainst McDonald’s on behalf ofNew York children who havesuffered health problems, includingdiabetes, high blood pressure,and obesity. Well, excuse me forsaying, but I think I can safelyguess that McDonald’s food isn’tthe only thing the in state of NewYork (or anywhere else) that causeshealth risks among children. Andaren’t children’s eating habits supposedto be watched over by theirlazy, goddamn parents or guardiansto begin with? It obviously appearsnot. In federal court in Manhattan, alawyer named Samuel Hirschalleged that McDonald’s has createda national epidem-20ic of obese children. He argued thatthe high fat, sugar, and cholesterolcontent of McDonald’s food is “avery insipid, toxic kind of thing”when scarfed on a regular basis byyoung kids. A regular basis, yousay? Well, NO SHIT, Sammy-boy.“Young individuals are not in aposition to make a choice after theonslaught of advertising and promotions,”Hirsch said in an interview.Well, shit the bed, Samuel!Sure! Why point any amount ofblame to the parents, let alone olderchildren, who are smart enough toknow better, when you can blameour ol’ whipping post television orprint ads? Why not go after toycompanies while you’re at it, youdouchebag?The plaintiffs include a Bronxteenager who ate every meal atMcDonald’s for three years whileliving in a homeless shelter. Um,yeah – you’re fucking HOMELESSand eating at McDonald’s threetimes a day for three years? Only inIllustration by Art FuentesAmerica. Another is a thirteenyear-oldboy from Staten Islandwho says he ate McDonald’s foodthree to four times a week and isnow 5’4” and 278 pounds. Well,can I ask what ELSE this StatenIsland ferry was stuffing down histhroat the REST of the week?Wheat germ? Alfalfa sprouts?Please – don’t insult my fuckingintelligence. But what really slapsthe shit-flavored icing on the cakehere is the parents of these children.These parents are claimingthat they always believed thatMcDonald’s was healthy for theirchildren, their genius reasoningbeing that they never saw anythingin the McDonald’s restaurants theyvisited providing information aboutthe ingredients in the food. Callingall dumbasses, calling all dumbasses– the last time you visitedMcDonald’s, do you rememberlooking clearly over the counterand seeing those steel, squareshapedvats with the boiling liquidinside them? They ain’tjacuzzis, dickheads! Believe itor not, those vats are calleddeep fryers. The bubbling liquidin the vats is called cooking oiland those baskets they dropdown into that cooking oil arefull of french fries. Wow!Submerging french fries incooking oil to cook ‘em?Whodda thunkit!? I want to personallymeet these parents andoffer to sell them the BrooklynBridge at a really good marketprice. If they are REALLY asstupid as their “claims” aboutMcDonald’s, I’m going to beone rich motherfucker. RICH, Itells ya!But it gets better, dear reader –believe it or not, these lawsuitsaren’t just simply restricted “forthe children”. Earlier this pastJuly, fifty-six-year-old CaesarBarber had filed a suit with theSupreme Court of New Yorkagainst McDonald’s, BurgerKing Corp., KFC Corp. andWendy’s International. Caesar’sblaming the chains for makinghim and others overweight, aswell as raising his risk of illnessrelated to being overweight. In hiscase, Mr. Barber, a 5’10”, 272-pound maintenance worker, said hehad heart attacks in 1996 and 1999,and has diabetes, high blood pressure,and high cholesterol. Soundslike Caesar should’ve started wolfingdown less drive-thru and moreCAESAR SALADS once the packof hot dogs appeared mysteriouslyon the back of his neck.Brad Lerman, McDonald’sleading lawyer in these recent

cases, has summed it up best.He insists these lawsuits are afrivolous attempt to cash in onthe Golden Arches, “the kindof lawsuit that shouldn’t be incourt,” he says. Going further,Lerman says “People don’t goto sleep thin and wake upobese. The understanding andcomprehension of what hamburgersand french fries do hasbeen with us for a long, longtime.” Absolutely. It couldn’tbe any clearer. Ya know, Mr.Lerman, we should also takethe time here to comment tothese sue-happy fucks thatwashing those hamburgers andfries down with McDonald’smilkshakes (or ANY milkshake,for that matter) can addto the glutton’s problem aswell.McDonald’s has askedJudge Robert Sweet to dismissthe case, arguing those whofiled the claims cannot showtheir health problems werecaused by Big Macs and insistingthe company has nevermisled customers about itsfood. The judge did not immediatelyrule on the request, andto me that’s a scary thoughtbecause this recent snafuagainst McDonald’s couldcause a chain reaction of classaction lawsuits from all thoseothers who choose to waivetheir own eating responsibilities,aka, pass the buck. Add tothat, there are already thosecampaigning this very momentwho argue that junk food suchas Big Macs should be taxed inthe same way as cigarettes.They say the billions of dollarsraised from the “fat tax”, alsoknown as “heavy duty”, shouldbe used to fund anti-obesityeducation programs. Fuck that.It sounds a lot like the tobaccotax that the Duke of Dimwits,Rob Reiner, rallied for out herein California and helped toeventually succeed. Where’sall that tobacco tax moneygoing anyway, Rob? All thatsupposed healthcare? I live outhere in So. Cal. and I haven’tseen a friggin’ penny of it putto use. Must be in the bank,gaining interest, or lining pockets,furthering special interest.Kind of like the school’s shareof the California Lotto. Makesone think. And for those of youwho don’t remember, Reinerplayed a hippie named“Meathead” in that great oldtelevision show from the ‘70s,All In The Family. Go figure.What I’m trying to say hereis that people need to takeresponsibility for their ownactions. People shouldn’t justwant to. They need to. Period.McDonald’s is no strangerfrom being brought to court bysenseless shits who wouldprobably have someone elsewipe their ass for them if itwere possible. Remember thehot coffee incident againstMcDonald’s with the seventynine-year-oldbat who spilt coffeeon herself in her car? Sheremoves the lid to add creamand sugar while trying to balancethe cup between her legs,accidentally splashing itaround and burns herself prettygood. Hey, fuckface – coffee isHOT, remember? VERY hot.Unless you get it ICED, don’tsit there and dick around with ithalf-assedly, because youknow-whatmight happen. Butwhat the hell – if you do gethurt by your own stupidity, justgo to court and cause a dominoeffect of laws for drive-up windowsto post dummy signs forfucks like yourself who don’tknow how to handle hot liquids.Jesus Christ, what’s next?Suing a hotel chain because arush of hot water suddenlyerupts out of a showerhead andreddens someone’s back?Don’t laugh. Things just asridiculous have been broughtup on the courtroom choppingblock. Several cases of kidswho have hurt themselvesstagediving have been broughtto court, from small clubs, tolarge hall venues, right up tofestivals like Lollapalooza. Theparents of these youngstersactually have the gall to testifyin court that whoever’s incharge of the venue (that theirlittle darling was injured at)assumes the responsibility ofthe safety of their kid.WRONG. Once again – passingthe buck. ANYONE whohas taken part in this wildabandon at a gig knows theconsequences of spring-boardingoff a stage and into an audience.For starters, the crowdmight not be that receptive incatching your flailing-fish-outof-waterass and will part likethe Red Sea, but you’re alreadyairborne off the stage… crash.The person who jumps straightinto the stage lighting or airduct hanging from the ceiling?Smash. I remember seeing aguy open up his whole foreheadon an air duct above thestage during a Big Drill Carshow at Bogart’s (RIP) in LongBeach, CA years back. He kepton rockin’, though. Staggeringabout, but rockin’. Then there’salso the likely occurrence ofjust how you’ll land – flat onyour back? (Chris!) Face first?Landing on and wiping out atable full of glasses and/or bottles?Or how about the everpopular(but always accidental)feet-first-into-someone’s-girlfriend-thereby-starting-a-fullscale-fistfight?Then there’s theoccasional ass-kickingsbrought on by unnecessarysparring with the security ofthe clubs.Undeniably, any of theseinjuries are the responsibilityof the person wishing to cutloose at a show – not the ownersof the venues themselves.It’s easy to understand whysome places close so easily –not because of fun-lovingunruliness, but because of skyrocketinginsurance premiumsbrought on by the “not my children”-typeof parents. Hey,Mommy and Daddy, if youwere responsible enough yourself,you’d teach your kids thegolden rule – you play, youpay. As it is, clubs and/orvenues have enough problemswith jackassalopes in courtwhining about how their drunkdriving was caused due to thefact that the bartender gavethem too much to drink. Thatthe bartender gave them toomuch to drink? Hey, TipsyMcStagger, I have a suggestionfor you – why not fatally wrapyour vehicle around a tree thenext time you decide to drivedrunk solo? You’ll save theowner of the place you’reblaming your own stupidity onsome time, not to mention theexpensive, tax-paid courtroomtime. More importantly, itwould mean fewer fingerpointingfucks like yourselfbreathing my air. Corpses don’tneed no air.What I’m trying to get at,folks, is that responsibility isnothing new, believe it ordon’t. It’s been around sincethe dawn of time, it’s not afour-letter word, and any oneperson who honestly has aproblem with what I touchedon here obviously has a personalproblem with the “right andwrong” grasp on life, aka,“their ass and a hole in theground”. I think I can restassured that the beady eyesreading this column have quitea bit of sense stuffed up in thatnoggin’ of theirs, though. Howdo I know? You’ve all got acopy of Razorcake in yourdirty little hands, don’t you?I’m Against It–Designated Dale

Lazy MickLater, we got into an argument over who was going to pay for the shots,which is the best kind of argument to have with an off-duty bartender.Recollections fromPhiladelphiaI have recently returned fromPhiladelphia, a city that strives tocapitalize on its relationship to thefounding of the world’s most dominantdemocracy. This, however, ispretty much a farce as the realheavy lifting (menacing and massacringof indigenous peoples) wasdone elsewhere. There is a strangecult at work in the city, which convertsperfectly rational peopleinto rabid Eagles fans.They congregate at the riverevery Sunday morning inweird-smelling hats accentedwith bald eagle feathers to docalisthenics, pass bilge leavingsfrom mouth to mouthand engage in other rituals.Strangers to Philadelphia willbe happy to know that there isindeed much brotherly lovein evidence, an example ofwhich I observed firsthand ina taxi cab when the driverasked my permission beforeberating another driver as a“stupid cock-sucking, mother-fuckingcunt.” Also, I hadthe strangest urge to dresslike a gay sailor, an urge I didnot resist.After a long voyage by planeand shorter trips by train andsubway, I made it my hotel withjust enough time to get changed,indulge aforementioned urges, fill aflask with twelve-year-old Irishwhiskey and make it to the gig.I had been asked a few days prior tothe event if I’d like to emcee a readingat the North Star Bar in place ofNeal Pollack, whose immensedemand on the geopolitical fronthad prevented him from attending.This reading was part of the 215Literary Festival, which featureddistinguished writers like DaveEggers, Zadie Smith, JeffreyEugenides, Sarah Vowell, GabeHudson, Ben Marcus, JonathanAmes and many others.I do not 22knowwhy I was invited, nor did I ask.I made my to the North Star Bar,where the patrons signaled the bartenderfor more grog by tappingtheir glasses with hooks affixed toprosthetic devices and a diseasedparrot squawked quotations fromMadame Bovary in French.The establishment was divided intofour rooms: 1) the bar proper,which was equipped with a lots offour legged devices called stools;2) the pool room (self explanatory)festooned with ads for bands thatwould soon appear in the 3) performancearea, which had a stage, asmall orchestra pit, a mixing boardand another bar; and 4) a loft,reachable by stairs and served as akind of opium den where Chinesejunkies slept on thin mats anddreamt of sampans stuffed withcrabs that clacked their claws to thebeat of “Get Down On It (Get YourBacks Up Off the Wall)”There was a large man who sat at astool barring entrance to the performancearea. Our first conversationwent something like this.Him: Eight dollars.Me: I’m on the list.Him: I don’t have a list.Me (appreciating the difficult positionthis man is in, who in a formerlife was a Ukrainian ice fishermanwho had endured bitter cold, brutalwork and rough sport with his fellowfisher folk, but was nowreduced to simply looking like he’dbe up for any trouble I might care tostart while restraining from startingany of his own): I’m on the list.Him: Oh.[Stamps hand.]Me: This is my guest. She’s on thelist.Him: Which list?Me: The one you don’t have.Him: Oh.[Stamps hand.]I walked around, got to know theessential personnel (the soundman,the bartender, the booker, the performers,the long-fingered gnomewith the spiked club) and generallyengaged the performers and professionalsin a professional and engagingmanner so that when the peoplein charge asked if I needed anything,the answer was always“everything’s under control” evenif the person who was claimingauthority over the situation wasdressed like a gay sailor. I don’t saythis out of disrespect to gays,sailors, or gay sailors. Gary Numanonce told me during an interviewthe secret to performing is to looklike you belong in the song. Assoon as I heard I’d be reading at aplace called the North Star Bar, a“uniform” popped into my head. Atheme came into being. Amotif, if you will.Description of “uniform”: Onepair of pointy white shoes withcrepe soles (a.k.a. Creepers),one pair of charcoal Dickies,one belt studded with threerows of pyramid spikes, asleeveless black shirt withdecorative epaulets adornedwith metal stars, a striped tie,and a sailor hat like the one theSkipper wore in the televisionsitcom Gilligan’s Island. Theuniform revealed several ofmy nautically themed tattoos,which are mandatory for veteransof the U.S. Navy, ofwhich I am one.Was I aware that in certainparts of nearly every city inAmerica my uniform wouldsend signals about my sexualpreference that were not consistentwith my actual sexual preference?Yes.Did I care?No.The only people my uniform wouldupset or provoke would be homophobes,and who really gives a fuckwhat a homophobe thinks anyway?As long as I didn’t refer to anyonewith a wink as my “Good Buddy”everything would be fine.I greeted the crowd and read a shortlist of instructions, including unsea-

manlike behavior for which theywould be flogged (pronouncingpoem with two syllables, wearingsocks with sandals, etc.)Interestingly, this latter rule bothereda good many of my newacquaintances, and I passed thebuck back to David Foster Wallace,no stranger to inappropriate headgear,whom I copped it from.The first band was called Vinnie’sTampon Case. They were a selfprofessedcross between a rock androll band and a school play. Theperformance involved a guitarplayer dressed as a tree, a singerdressed as a hunter, a cardboardhorse and the narrator namedVinnie. The set consisted of twosongs, a story in two acts. A hunterwalks into a wood. She is forlorn.There are bears in the woods andshe is nervous because she doesn’thave a tampon case. But thensomeone does bring her a tamponcase, made by Vinnie (duh) and sheis happy again. The end. After theset I told Vinnie’s brother, whomI’d mistaken for Vinnie, how muchI enjoyed the set. Where wasVinnie? Selling tampon cases(again: duh).I went up on stage and read a shortstory whose central conceit is thatit is told from the point of view ofPopeye the sailor’s bastard, whostabs his father in the eye in a lowclass of brothel in Haiphong. I gotoff the stage and let Lefty’sDeceiver do their thing. Theyplayed a loud, energetic set thatbrought to mind mid- to late-’90sSuperchunk before they went allshoe gazer. The bartender boughtme a beer because I “had to readand stuff.”Many writers who had read at thePhiladelphia Free Library earlierthat evening were assembled in thepool room drinking and talkingwith people who’d come to seethem read. It was very egalitarianand the writers that I talked to wereapproachable and arresting. It startedto become clear that the festivalhad split into two festivals, onerock and roll, and one literary, andthere was several noisy speakercabinets and a former Ukrainianfisherman that kept them apart.(This is a gross oversimplification.Everyone knows festival divisionhas seven discrete stages, includingbut not limited to Mitosis, Halitosisand Met him pike hoses.)For my next reading, I had broughtnumerous highlighted copies of ashort story about a love triangleinvolving a man named Dan, hisgirlfriend Susie, and Dan’s bestfriend who is sleeping with Susie.An off-duty bartender volunteeredto play Dan. Aside from some gripingabout not having enough lines,the actors acquitted themselvesadmirably. But the real star wasbartender Dan. He got into his role,which included violent spasms andjerks. He was so good it would notsurprise me if some of the peoplein the audience thought he was aringer, a professional actor, or perhapseven a robot. He was awesome.Later, we got into an argumentover who was going to payfor the shots, which is the best kindof argument to have with an offdutybartender.One of the rules of being an emceeis that implications that the audienceis somehow affiliated withlocal neo-Nazi movements are tobe avoided. This is a rule I havenever found much use for andpromptly broke it while introducingJim Roll, who probably wishesI hadn’t. I retired to the loft with athree-hundred-pound Chinese druglord, who was known to ridearound town on a moped, andsmoked opium with several of hisconcubines while the drug lordheckled the drummer betweensongs. I briefly considered sellingsome of my new friends into slavery,but went downstairs andbought them beers instead.The buzz from the back of theroom by the bar, which had beenaudible all night, grew considerablylouder. The performance areawas packed with people. Theywere ready for the headliners,Bigger Lovers. I read a super shortpiece, made a few half-heartedattempts to provoke the audience,received a few half-hearted heckles,and relinquished the stage forthe night.At the bar, my new friends broughtme celebratory shots, which wedrank from tin cups brought backfrom Sir Ernest HenryShackleton’s TransantarcticExpedition. We ate dried strips ofcaribou meat and stuffed hardtackdown one another’s pants for thesheer thrill of it. One by one weshuffled out the door and tumbledinto cabs or climbed aboard scootersadorned with “$60 a quarterounceis a crime” stickers. Blackhattedfigures clutching broomsshot into the sky. There was astrange sound coming from thenaval yard and I could smell thesulfurous smell of ancient birdguano. My run in Philly was up. Itwas time to get back to L.A.-Money5

Rich MackinThe Twisted BalloonRich MackinBike helmets have got to be the stupidest looking thingson the planet, arguably after faux hawks and Carrot Top.For years, Todd has been tryingto get me to write a column aboutpolyamory or food ingredients. Healmost got one this issue, but lastminute decisions cause me to writeabout bikes instead.I just finished a book onCritical Mass (a monthly bike ride,traditionally on the last Friday ofthe month, during the evening commute.See my book review thisissue for more details) and was toosick to ride in the NYC CriticalMass on Buy Nothing Day. (At thetime I was in Norwalk, located inthe penis tip of Connecticut, almostin NYC, for Thanksgiving. A lessonto those who don’t eat a lot of dairy– ask your crazy relatives if theyloaded up potatoes with sour creambefore eating.) So, I have all thisbike energy pent up that I doubtwould be satisfied with a ride in the20-degree Boston weather, so Iwrite instead.An old roommate once notedthe trend of bike punks getting hugein the area and asked where all thebikes were last year? Were all thebikes in garages getting lonely? Hiswording was mostly in reference tohis belief that these kids wouldn’tstill be biking as much in a year.(Indeed, the kid who got “bikepunx” tattooed on his knucklesstarted the laser removal before ayear passed, but then again, this issomeone who lectured me onstraight edge over the summer andwas drunk off a 40 last week.)But, for all my roommate’spointed mockery, he failed to seethe logic of the bike as a punkaccessory. While most bikes are theproducts of corporations, the companiesthat make bikes are less likelyto be tied with crime and pollutionor Hitler (see Retodd’s articleon noted Nazi-supporter and anti-Semite Henry Ford in issue #7) andriding a bike doesn’t require gasfrom any of George Bush’s friends’companies. A bike is metal, tough,can be maintained yourself withsome minimal skills and training,and can easily be personalized.Bikes can be cheap for the poor,expensive for the Hot Topic trust24 punks, or even builtfrom scratch for the truly DIYpunks. If not totally built fromscratch, bicycles are easily choppedand remade into works of art withpedals, and such work is not asscrutinized by the state as a carwould be (and with good reason,since bikes also don’t have pollutingemissions.)So, here are some randomthoughts on bikes…Art and Protest BikesThe art bike is easier than theart car in that you can add temporarydecorations without as muchconcern of them flying off whendriving. (And if they do, you canmore easily turn around and getthem.) Unlike dressing in costumeas a pedestrian, an art bike allowssome detachment (you aren’t afreak, you are a person with afreaky bike) and easy getaway ifyou live somewhere with a lot offrat boys or rednecks who disapproveof signs of creativity. Bikesare easily painted for the novice,and can have any number of wings,attachments, or even outer shellscreated for them. For those thatdon’t want a major production,simple decorations, such as a signin the front of the handlebar (wherethe number would be on a BMXbike) are easily added. My friendKelly mounted a plastic skull in thecenter, so the handlebars gave theappearance of horns. A luggagerack (useful on its own right) makesfor a good sign mount or flagpoleholder. I have a few flags (pirate,corporate America) on light woodpoles that easily affix to the angledrear frame of my bike’s rack. Thisallows an angled display, whichkeeps the flag away from me andthe wheels, and also lets the flaghang down, making a nice flagwave as I ride. Going to a protest?Why hold a sign when you canhave a rolling mini billboard? Notgoing to a protest? Why not statesomething anyway as you ride towork, school, or wherever? Again,the ride-by aspect of the bikeallows for a sense of commotionand yet anonymity. You are seenand are gone, optimal for times youwant to make a statement and notstick around to answer follow upquestions or get beat up.Bike LocksIf you have a bike, get a lock,then lock your bike. Ideally, youlock your bike by having the lockgo through a wheel, the bike, andsomething that is attached to theground or a building. This is animportant point – I saw someonelock a bike frame to a four-foot-tallsignpost with the sign no longerattached. If I wanted to, I couldhave easily lifted the bike and riddenaway on it, the only function ofthe lock being an annoying noise asit clanged to the frame. If you havethings like easily removable wheelsor detachable seat, lock them, too. Imean, sure, you know your areabetter than I do, so maybe you don’tneed to do all this, but as a whole, Ifind that in most cities, thirty secondsof bike lock time is worthhowever long it might take to carrya bike with one wheel home. If youcan’t lock the bike to somethinglike a signpost or fence (or inutopias such as Minneapolis, a bikerack) at least lock the wheel to thebike. Someone could still carry itoff if they really wanted, but at leastthey can’t ride it off. An unlockedbike is not just something to steal,it’s providing the thief with a getawayvehicle. This would be likeleaving your car keys in your cardoor. (Or repeatedly leaving yourfriend’s keys in his car door, whichis partially why I don’t bring a certainperson on tours any more.Also, make your bike look eitherpersonal or crappy – decorate itwith stickers, whatever. Nothingappeals to a bike thief more than anice, new, perfect bike. Especiallyif you are dumb enough to have alock mounted to your bike that youdidn’t use. I know people who havestolen unlocked bikes with locksstill in the mounts, just on principle.HelmetsBike helmets have got to be thestupidest looking things on theplanet, arguably after faux hawksand Carrot Top. Riding without ahelmet looks cooler, but gettingbrain damage tends to make youlook not so cool, so a good compromiseis a skate helmet. Footballand other helmets not only work,but also add that thrift store mismatchedfashion the kids are into.Just make sure that you consider toprotect the parts of your head mostlikely to smash into something, andalso don’t decorate in ways thatdefeat the purpose – i.e. drillingholes that allow the helmet tocrack, or use paints and glues thataffect the chemistry of the thing.Bike Riding Tipsfrom Your FriendlyDictatorBikes are vehicles. This meansthey are traffic. This means theybelong on the street. On one level,this means that people driving carswill have to deal. I am not sayingdon’t take up more room than youneed to thwart cars, nor am I sayingto disregard the physics of a car-onbikecollision. But you have asmuch right to drive your vehicle asthe motorist, unless there is signagesaying otherwise. On another level,I am saying that sidewalks arecalled sidewalks for a reason. Sure,in some parts of Boston, the sidewalkis the size of the street, exceptone has lots of fast cars and one hasa few slow pedestrians, so thecyclist usually chooses safety andsanity over technicality, but as awhole, riding your bike on the sidewalkis just being a jerk. Use yourjudgement, but consider if yourbiking is worth annoying everyoneelse. At least, if you need to be onthe sidewalk, consider that maybeyou can coast more and not have topedal at breakneck speeds.Bike LawOne thing that is fun about ridingin Critical Masses is finding outhow little cops know about bikelaws when they stop you. The problemis, this is only funny if they juststop you and let you go. This is lessfunny when they take you in.Please always remember, just

ecause a cop does not have thelegal right to arrest you does notmean they don’t have the physicalability to try. All the zine-read“what to do when a cop talks toyou” material does nothing when itcomes down to a cop WANTING toarrest or otherwise annoy you. Onegood defense is to learn local lawregarding bikes and print that infoout. One friend even made cardswith this to give out in just such asituation.Bikes as a StatementWell, I don’t know how muchof a statement this is, but once,when I was working for a cushywhite collar job, our company wona bunch of things and rented out aroom in a fancy pantsnightclub. I mustadmit that it was funwatching all the peoplepaying for valetparking, confused tosee me pull up in mybike, cardboard boxduct taped to therack, no less, andwalk in. I am also thetype of guy whoalways goes for the“other” category onsurveys, filling in mybike description ifsomething calls for acar. (Yes, I know Ihave a car, too. Hey,at least I am not oneof those people whohas a “one less car”shirt when I ride eventhough they have acar; it’s just not beingused. That’s like sayingyou are vegetarianbecause you aren’teating meat at themoment.)Bikes Where You Don’tExpect ThemI have bikes AND I have a car.Therefore, I have a bike rack on mycar. I find this great when travelling.As much as I dislike car cultureand sprawl, my car can get mefrom Boston to DC in a day and abike can’t. And for the price of onetrain ticket, I can get gas money todrive a few people all that way, andtheir too heavy to carry stuff, andtheir bikes. Aha, then, when we getinto DC, we can park and ride bikesaround! Bikes are great travelaccessories – park your car in mostmajor urban areas and see if youwant to get back in it and look foranother parking space every timeyou go somewhere. Or take publictransportation... now how are yougoing to get around? Spend lots ofmoney on taxis and busses? (Well,or walk, I guess.) But if you have abike with you, you can explorefaster than by walking, get aroundwithout parking again and again(and paying again and again assome cities would have you do) andif you make a wrong turn, you canmuch more easily correct the situationthan with a car. (Ever get lostin Boston? Make a wrong turn andthe maze of one ways escorts youto a totally new part of town.)I have brought bikes with me tolarge protest marches and the differencein the experience is amazing.With all my heavy stuff on thesaddle or rack, I have a sign mounted– I am unencumbered (well,except for the bike I have to push.)If I want to see if I know anyoneelse at the march, I can much moreeasily ride up and down – or evenride to the beginning and watch thewhole thing pass. Bathroom break?Ride off a few blocks and returnbefore the march is too far to trackdown.Be prepared. If you ride a bikesomewhere that people know isn’tyour hometown, they will assumeyou biked all the way there.Don’t have a bike rack? Don’twant to lug a bike on a train?Consider a folding bike? There area few kinds out there. Some looklike tiny bikes with long handlebarand saddle stems. I have a Strida(www.strida.com). A Strida is fairpricedfor a new bike device that islightweight and folds up into abouta is 45” x 20” x 11” space and canbe rolled when folded. When inbike mode, it looks like a trianglewith wheels, a handlebar, a seat andpeddles. Heck, even if I never traveledwith it, it’s a mobile work ofart and just plain makes peoplehappy. One word of warning – foldingbikes tend to be far less maneuverableand harder on your ass forlonger rides.Critical Mass as aMicrocosm of WhyAnarchy Won’t WorkJust YetMost cities by now have aCritical Mass. It could be big, itcould be small. It could last a longtime or a short time. It might haveblatant political messages or just bea bunch of people riding together.Once it is decided somehow that itwill meet at X time at X place, it isgenerally without any other signsof leadership or pre-decided decisionmaking. One of the best partsof Critical Mass is the lack of anyofficial organization. Of course,one of the worst parts of CriticalMass is the lack of any officialorganization. To say that there is noleader is never really true. Like inmany social situations, the lack ofan official leadership does notmean that some people will nottake control, or at least attempt to.Others will willingly follow. Stillothers may not willingly follow, butwill either go along for lack of reasonnot to (i.e., not wanting to go aproposed route, but having no otherroute to propose) or because theybecome passive. These are oftenthe people who complain aboutthings, perhaps even drop out of theride/ scene/ society without doinganything to improve that.Of course, this is a simplification.Some people ride in a CriticalMass every month (or go to everypunk show, or vote in every election,etc.) and try to influencetowards their ideals, only to growcynical by lack of change, or evenchange in the opposite direction. InCritical Mass sense, one recurringtheme is the “angry young whitemales” (which they usually are) or“testosterone brigades” that areunfriendly and aggressive and seethe ride as anti-car, as opposed tosimply pro-bike. To these types, theride is an excuse or chance toharass drivers, perhaps becausethey ordinarily feel harassed. Theseriders are generally the minority,but they are a very visible and outspokengroup, and so seem to representthe entire group. The problemis that the bulk of the group haslittle in the way to show otherwisebesides ridingwithout conflict.So, many morepeaceful ridersare tempted toride next to theprovocateurs,uncomfortablewith the idea oftalking about thesubject, and sophoto by Todd Taylormerely postingabout it on chatgroups the nextday, or perhaps bymerely not showingup again.What this meansthough, is that thepeaceful majoritydwindles thus fulfillingthe prophecythat the troublemakersare thespokesmen for thegroup, becausesoon they are themajority, if notthe only ones left.This is somethingI never understand. It is essentiallysaying “I don’t like the way you dothings, so I will let you do themwithout voicing my opinion or providingany counter point.”This is a sad point to be madefrom someone with a patch saying“My bike takes me places schoolnever could,” and it’s one reasonthat I DO try to ride in as manymasses as I can (and contribute topublications, vote, go to meetings,etc.) because I subscribe to the “if Idon’t care, why should anyonecare?” school of thought. If I don’twant Critical Mass to be viewed asa bunch of hooligans, I should bethere to act not like a hooligan, andto ask the hooligans why they areacting that way. Affecting changeisn’t easy... I suppose if it was, itwouldn’t be change. Of course,then again, having fun takes energytoo.Just like riding a bike.–Rich Mackin 25Rich Mackin

...the biggest and toughest have only remained that way for a very short time, and they’ve always fallen.About Carpenters and WarRalph Tanner was a legend in my hometownbecause, basically, he could kick anyone’s ass. Iwas always hearing stories about Ralph gettingin scraps and busting someone up, and the storieswere always the same: Ralph was just hangingout, minding his own business when sometough guy came up to him, out of the blue, andegged on Ralph and egged him on and wouldn’tlet up until Ralph finally had no choice but tosettle it. Listening to the stories was kind of likelistening to the nightly news explain the latestUS military invasion. In both cases, I alwaysfigured that there was more to the stories.Something that I wasn’t being told.Then, I witnessed a Ralph Tannerbrawl one night at Spanky’s Pub.I wish the place wasn’t really calledSpanky’s, because it makes it sound like I’mmaking this story up. Like I’m trying to make ametaphor out of all of this. But it’s true. There’sreally a Spanky’s. It’s on Banana River Drive inMerritt Island, Florida, right across from a NapaAuto Parts store, in the same building as Hobb’sDrugs, around the corner from the Inner RoomCabaret. If you’re ever in Merritt Island andlooking to get your ass kicked – either by adrunk redneck, a pool shark who’s missing twofingers on her left hand, or the gnarly tap beer –Spanky’s is the place. I made fun of people whowent to Spanky’s when I was in high school, buta few years later, when I was out of college andmaking my living as a framing carpenter, I usedto hang out at Spanky’s a lot.One night, back in those days, I’d beenhanging out with some friends at the InnerRoom and blowing way too much of my paycheck,so I walked around the corner toSpanky’s. I figured I could get a beer there forhalf the price of one at the Inner Room, and Icould probably find someone there who woulddrink with me until I was ready to go home. AndI did find someone to drink with: Ralph Tanner.Ralph was a framing carpenter back then,too. Just like me, he’d busted his ass all weekunder the hot Florida sun, got paid earlier thatday, and was out to blow off some steam. I belliedup to the bar next to Ralph, ordered a beerfor me and a shot for both of us, and askedRalph what he was up to. He talked a bit aboutwork and I talked a bit about work. We drankour shots and drank our beers and Ralph boughtthe next round. We talked about the things thatframers in Florida talk about: clueless homeownersand underpaying bosses and how quicklywe could sheet a roof and how hot it was onthat roof once afternoon rolled around.Basically, boring stuff to talk26about unless you had someone to empathizewith you. But we weren’t complaining and weweren’t talking about macho or violent stuff andwe weren’t talking to anyone else in the bar. Justdrinking beers and minding our own business.And that’s when it happened.Ralph lifted his glass of beer to his mouth.Just when it got about six inches from his face,a stranger popped Ralph in the back of the head.Ralph’s head flew forward, and his teeth bangedinto the lip of the pint glass. Even in the crowdedbar, with the roar of drunks talking and thejukebox fighting to play above the noise, I couldhear the clink of teeth on glass. Ralph turned toface me. He looked as surprised as I felt. “Jesus,Sean, what’d you do that for?” he said.“I did it, motherfucker,” the stranger said.Ralph turned on his barstool. “Do I knowyou?” he asked.“You don’t remember me, do you, jackass?”the stranger said. Ralph said that he didn’t. Thestranger explained to Ralph that Ralph hadthrown him out of a strip club a few months earlier.Ralph didn’t remember, but apologized anyway.The stranger didn’t accept the apology andcalled Ralph a “motherfucker” again and gotmore and more aggressive until finally hegrabbed Ralph’s t-shirt and slammed himagainst the bar. Ralph popped up and slammed aright hook into the side of the stranger’s face.The hook knocked the guy senseless, and heprobably would’ve dropped if Ralph hadn’tswung a left into the stranger’s ribs, whichstopped the momentum of the fall. From there,things just got worse for the guy. Ralph threw abarrage of punches, so hard and so fast thestranger didn’t stand a chance.I was way too close to the fight and didn’twant any part of it. I grabbed my beer and tooka couple of steps back through the gatheringcrowd. I emptied my pint and set it on the edgeof a pool table. No one was playing, anyway.Everyone in the bar was gathered around thefight. I slipped out the side door and headed outinto the night, figuring that anywhere was betterthan Spanky’s.The next Monday at the job site, I told myRalph Tanner story to a fellow carpenter namedBilly. Billy had a similar Ralph Tanner story; theonly difference being that, truth be told inBilly’s story, Ralph kinda picked the fight. Mybrother, who was also on the carpentry crew andhad been friends with Ralph since they wereboth kids, told his Ralph Tanner stories. Tellingand hearing the stories made me feel sorry forRalph. I walked out to the stack of trusses, wantingto work by myself. I pulled the gable trussout of the stack, dragged it to a flat spot on thelot, grabbed a few sheets of plywood, and got towork sheeting the gable. As I did this, I thoughtabout Ralph, and remembered the only othertime I’d seen him fight. It was when we werekids. I was nine years old, and hanging out at themall with Ralph’s younger brother, Bobby.Bobby and I had bought a sack of Big LeagueChew. We stuffed our faces with huge chunks ofgum. When the gum was good and soft, weplaced it in a well-trafficked-but-inconspicuousplace in the mall, found a bench, and watchedthe shoppers walk by and get huge gobs of gumstuck to their shoes. This was big fun for Bobbyand me. About as fun as life gets for a nine-yearold.Ralph came up to our mall bench whileBobby and I were doing this. He asked us whatwe were giggling about, and we let Ralph in onour scheme. Ralph said, “That’s just not right.Bobby, go pick up your gum.” Before Bobbycould get up, some kid stepped in the gum. Thekid got pissed off and he saw Bobby and me gigglingand the pack of Big League Chew. Hecame over to us and I could tell he wanted tofight, but he was probably fourteen or fifteen,and we were just too young to beat up. Ralphwas twelve at the time, though, so the angry kidcould fight Ralph. He talked some shit andended up kicking Ralph in the shin. Ralphjumped up and busted open the angry kid’s nose.He probably would’ve done a lot worse if themall security guard hadn’t been there.So I hammered away at the gable thatMonday morning and thought about Ralph’sfight in the mall a dozen years earlier, and Ithought about Ralph’s fight that past Fridaynight and thought, nothing really changes for thepoor guy. Though things did change. When hewas twelve, Ralph was just a skinny kid. Aneasy target for bullies. A dangerous kid to pickon, but someone who could still be stopped by asecurity guard or a teacher or any adult whohappened to be nearby. By the time Ralph wassixteen, he was a Golden Gloves boxer, the topof his weight class in the state of Florida, butstill a skinny kid. By the time he was eighteen,he was done with boxing, on steroids and fightingall the time. He kept working out and he kepttaking steroids and kept getting bigger, and thebigger he got, the more he had to fight. Themore he had to fight, the better he got at it, andthe better he got at it, the more he had to fight.He worked as a bouncer at night clubs until hegot big and tough enough to work as a bouncerat strip clubs and kept doing that until he gotstabbed one night. At that point, a friend of hishired him onto a construction crew, mostlybecause Ralph was big and could lift a lot, andthat’s all you need to start out as a framer. Butbuilding houses in Florida is a hot and miserable

job, so Ralph would alternate between that andbouncing, between the slow, grinding death ofconstruction work and the risk of the fast, violentdeath of manhandling out-of-controldrunks. And all through it, he had to fight.While I finished sheeting the first gable andstarted digging through the stacks of trusses forthe second gable, I thought about the strangerwho felt like he had to fight Ralph. I figured thatthe real reason the stranger wanted to fightRalph was this: Ralph was the biggest and thebest. Ralph was huge, young, strong, fit. No onehad taken him down yet. It just stood to reason,in the stranger’s head, that someone needed to,even if for no better reason than beating up thetoughest guy in town makes you the toughestguy in town. I thought to myself, it’s so fuckingmeaningless. I wondered if Ralph had knownthat this was going to happen when he foughtthat kid over bubble gum on the shoe, or ifRalph had known when he was a Golden Glovesboxer, or if he even knew now. If he knew everytime he lifted a weight bar off his chest or everytime he jabbed a steroid needle into his leg tostart another cycle that he was dooming himselfto a life of barroom brawls, bloody fists, teethchipped on pint glasses, the occasional stabbing.A week later, I gave my mom a ride homefrom work because her car was in the shop. Onthe way to her house, she asked me to stop by agrocery store, and I did. While we walked downthe bread aisle, I heard someone say, “Hey, Mrs.Carswell.”My mom turned and said, “Hi, Ralphie.” Ialmost forgot to say hi to Ralph too, because Iwas laughing that my mom had just called thetoughest guy in town “Ralphie.” She’d been hissecond grade teacher, and she had the habit ofthinking of her former students as perpetualchildren. In my mom’s eyes, this big, powerfulframer in front of her was still a skinny littleseven-year-old trying to learn his times tables.She asked Ralph how he was and what he’dbeen up to and Ralph answered her. Then, shewent back to her shopping. I stayed back to talkto Ralph.“Sorry I left you on your own at Spanky’sthe other night,” I said. “You make out allright?”Ralph shook his head. “No. I got completelyfucked.”This surprised me. I knew that there was noway that the stranger could’ve come back onRalph. The stranger’s ass was pretty well kickedwhen I left. And I didn’t think the stranger hadany friends with him, or else one of themwould’ve jumped me. But I got out of thereuntouched. “What happened?” I asked.“Apparently, I broke the guy’s eye socket.He had to have his whole face reconstructed.”“Holy shit.”“Yeah, that’s not the worst of it. His lawyertold me that the surgery cost twenty thousanddollars.”“He’s suing you?”Ralph nodded. “He’s suing me.” He glanceddown the bread aisle to make sure that my momwas out of earshot, then asked, “You still workingwith Billy?” I said that I was. Ralph said,“Tell him I got juice for him if he wants to go onanother cycle.”I said I’d pass on the message, but I waslying. If Ralph wanted to sell steroids to pay fora lawyer to defend him, that was Ralph’s business.If Billy wanted to go on another cycle, getway bigger than he needed to be, and become anirritable, impossible-to-work-with bastard, thatwas Billy’s business. But I wasn’t gonna be apart of it. I said good-bye to Ralph and caughtup with my mom in time to carry her shoppingbasket.I haven’t seen Ralph for several years now.I quit working construction and moved out oftown long before his case went to trial. I don’tknow what happened with the lawsuit or if he’sstill getting into fights every weekend. I don’tknow if anyone ever finally beat Ralph down. Iassume someone did, but I don’t have anythingto base that assumption on. I may just be a pessimist.I still think of Ralph Tanner often, though,because understanding Ralph helps me to understandthe US government’s drive to be a militarysuperpower. In a lot of ways, Ralph and all theguys he fought against have a lot in commonwith the US government. It’s not somethingthat’s easy to see, and this story isn’t supposedto be a parable, where you read up to this pointand say, “Okay. I see. We look at Ralph with allhis steroids and weightlifting and think, doesanyone really need to be that big? Then, we lookat the US military and think, does any militaryneed to be that big?” It’s far more complex thanthat.Still, I grew up on construction sites. Ilearned to see the world through that perspective.I came to understand the patterns of humanbehavior by looking at the carpenters andpainters and concrete masons I worked for, andapplying their actions to humanity as a whole.So, in my mind, the US military is Ralph Tanner.You don’t have to see things this way. Perhapsyour dad was a stockbroker, and you see theworld through a stockbroker’s eyes. If that’s thecase, maybe you see the US military asAOL/Time Warner stock: something so big andbloated and top heavy that it’s bound to crumbleany day now. Perhaps you grew up watchingsci-fi movies and you see the world through scifieyes. If that’s the case, maybe you see the USmilitary as the Star Wars movies: way too muchmoney is being spent on them, you get the feelingthat they’re all about marketing and advertisement,and, lately, you kinda wish the armieswould all just kill each other and get it overwith. Perhaps you grew up in a nice, suburbanneighborhood and you see the world throughnice, suburban eyes. Ifthat’s the case, feel free touse your own metaphor. Usepro-wrestling. Use MohammedAli. Use the pimply kidwho’d always ruin theneighborhood soccer gamesby saying, “It’s my ball andif you don’t play by myrules, I’m taking it andgoing home.” Really, youcan use whatever exampleyou want. But it’s importantto keep in mind that we tendto view larger issues –issues of nations and societies– through smallerexamples of humans behavingin similar patterns. Webreak the complex downinto its simplest terms, andthis helps us to understandthings. So let’s look atRalph Tanner, in the simplestterms, and try tounderstand this big, complexproblem.First, let’s look at the mostreadily-apparent things.One: Ralph Tanner probablywasn’t wise to be thebiggest and toughest intown because the biggestand toughest always fallsooner or later. And they fallthe hardest because they’rethe hardest to take down. Ifyou’re a weak little guy, youThe Boxer by Tom Wrenngenerally get your ass beatby someone who’s not much bigger than you. Itonly takes a few punches to knock you down, soyou only have to withstand a few punches.When you’re a monster the size of Ralph,though, it takes a bigger monster to beat you.So, by proportion alone, you have to withstanda much more brutal beating. It’s simple physics.By the same token, how wise is it for the USmilitary to try to be the biggest and toughest inthe world? Because, historically speaking, thecountries that have tried to be the biggest andtoughest have always fallen, and the people inthat country – much more so than the governmentsthemselves – were always the worst forthe fall. Take, for instance, the people of Russiawho are still trying to fend off civil war andrebuild their economy more than a decade afterthe Soviet Union fell. Or read a book about theGerman people in 1945 and you’ll find thatmost Germans didn’t eat that year (and you’llnever get used to stories of little 27

oys selling their sisters for a potato). Or asksomeone who lived around Ground Zero inNagasaki on August 6, 1945 how much heappreciated the Japanese army’s attempt to takeover China, the Philippines, Hawaii, etc.;though, sadly, no one who lived around GroundZero in Nagasaki on August 6, 1945 lived to talkabout it. The point is this: throughout history, thebiggest and toughest have only remained thatway for a very short time, and they’ve alwaysfallen. This doesn’t necessarily mean that theyalways will fall. It just means that they alwayshave fallen. That’s why now is a good time towonder if it’s wise for the US to keep expandingas a military superpower.Two: no matter how strong you are, you arevulnerable somewhere. Like I said, RalphTanner got stabbed one night. No one could beatRalph in a fistfight, but there’s more than oneway to fight, and fighting, by its very nature,isn’t fair. Someone can always pull out a knifeor a gun or bring friends or jump you when youleast expect it. And it sucks if they do, but fistscan’t stop that. By the same token, you can puta missile defense system into space. You canbuild nuclear bombs and nuclear subs andstealth bombers and SCUD missiles and depleteduranium missiles. You can attack Afghanistanand Iraq and Sudan and Yugoslavia andSomalia. You can install military dictatorships inhalf the countries in Central America. You cangive Columbia billions of dollars to fight a“drug war.” You can spend over$300,000,000,000 annually on the military budget.You can place army bases and soldiers in somany places in the world that you’re safely positionedto fight a battle anywhere at any time. Infact, the US has done all of these things. Butthere are more ways to fight than any militarycould possibly foresee. All of the United States’military power couldn’t keep two airplanes fromflying into the World Trade Center. What’s keepingsomething similar, or worse, from happeningagain?Three: you can’t say that Ralph Tanner wasinnocent that night at Spanky’s. I mean, I likethe guy. I’d like to say that he was just hangingout with me, doing the exact same things that Iwas doing, but, in all fairness, that’s not true. Hewas posing a threat, and I wasn’t. Here’s why:he went to a bar that’s famous for all its fights,he went there knowing that people he’d beat upin the past were probably going to be there lookingfor a fight, he’d established himself as afighter, and that invites violence. So he didn’tpick that particular fight. It’s true. But his presenceitself was threatening, and his presence at abar like Spanky’s was a provocation. It’s likewhen US fighter planes fly over a country againand again and again, occassionally droppingbombs. If you’re a pilot in a US fighter plane,and you get shot at, it sucks, but it’s hard toblame the other country’s military for shootingat you. They don’t know if you have a bomb inyour plane or not. They do know that at othertimes, other planes just like yours have bombedthem. That makes your plane a serious threat tothem. It makes your presence a provocation.Four: Ralph should’ve learned a very basiclesson from me that night. The lesson is this: ifyou stay out of fights to begin with, you’ll gethurt a lot less often. I mean, I don’t want to beanyone’s paradigm of hope, but remember that Ididn’t get into the fight that night at Spanky’s. Iturned and walked away. I didn’t protect myselfbecause I didn’t have to. No one thought to fightme because I didn’t pose a threat to anyone. Iwas exactly as big and strong as I needed to beto keep someone from taking a cheap shot at me,but not nearly as big and strong as I would’veneeded to be to make someone think they hadsomething to gain by attacking me. And, in theglobal arena, I wish the US could say the samethings. It goes back to what Howard Zinn saidwhen we interviewed him for Razorcake a fewissues back, “Sweden is not worried about terrorism.New Zealand is not worried about terrorism.Holland is not worried about terrorism.”If you don’t pose a threat, you don’t have tofight. It’s usually that simple.Five: it’s generally a good idea to ask whatis gained by a fight. Ralph Tanner beat up thatguy in Spanky’s. What did it get him? Was hislife improved in any way by beating up a...you’ll never get used tostories of little boys sellingtheir sisters for a potatostranger? I doubt it. It’s hard to say that any ofRalph’s fights made his life better. It goes backto a lesson most kids learn at a very young age.They get their first black eyes or swollen knuckles,they ask themselves what it got them, andthey learn to resolve their problems throughother means. But most kids always ask themselvesthat question: what did it get me? So whydo nations rarely ask this question? The USattacked Iraq in 1991, supposedly becauseSaddam Hussein was a madman who had to betaken out of power. So the US bombed Iraq,destroying cities, schools, hospitals, and a fewmilitary targets. They killed hundreds of thousandsof Iraqis. And the US won the war. ButSaddam Hussein wasn’t relieved of his power.So what was the point?What about Vietnam? The US entered theVietnam War because they feared that, ifVietnam became a communist country, then thecommunism would spread through the rest ofsoutheast Asia, then onward to the rest of theworld. And Vietnam won that war. They becamea communist country. And communism didn’tspread throughout southeast Asia, and it definitelydidn’t spread onward to the rest of theworld. So what was the Vietnam War all about?And, now that the war on drugs seems to havesubsided and the war on terrorism – inAfghanistan, anyway – seems to be windingdown, is the world free of drugs and terror finally?Is that even a realistic hope? Haven’t mostwars increased drug use? If terrorism meansusing violence, fear, and intimidation to achievecertain ends, isn’t war itself terrorism?I’m probably not saying anything here thatyou haven’t thought before. Most of us readingthis magazine already know that a bigger militarydoesn’t lead to more security. It leads toless. So the next question to ask is this: howdoes a country actively stop being a superpower?Well, the US could get out of the superpowerbusiness the way that Hitler’s Germany,Hirohito’s Japan, and Napolean’s France did it:keep fighting until you lose everything. Thisseems to be the plan that the US is going withright now. But couldn’t we take a differentapproach?Remember that I don’t know what happenedto Ralph Tanner, so let’s make an optimisticguess. Let’s say that Ralph didn’t finally getbeaten down. Let’s hope that he just learned tostop fighting. He stopped taking steroids. Heshrunk down to a normal size. He stoppedspending time in places like Spanky’s. He startedworking on his mind, instead. He turned hisefforts towards educating himself. He workedhis way up from a carpenter’s assistant. Maybehe even helped to start a carpenters’ union, sothat he and his coworkers could have things thateveryone should have: health benefits, eighthourdays, paid vacations, a reasonable share ofthe wealth that his labor generates. It could happen,right? It sure beats busting out somestranger’s eye socket at Spanky’s and gettingstuck with a $20,000 medical bill.Doesn’t the US have the same choice?Couldn’t the government stop spending hundredsof billions of dollars annually on the military?Couldn’t the US shrink the armed forcesdown to a reasonable size; say, only as big asthey need to be to protect US borders, and nobigger? We, as a country, could even use thoseextra hundreds of billions of dollars (that nolonger need to be spent on the military) on educatingthe people of this country, on providingfree health care for everyone who lives here. Itcould happen, right?I’ll agree that all of this may seem like asimplified way of examining these issues.Maybe it is. But human beings act according tobasic patterns of behavior. Society and governmentsare little more than clumps of humans actingalong those same basic patterns. And as theUS bullies itself into another war, it helps toremember these basic patterns. Because it isgood to look at the individual reasons peoplegive to fight or not to fight a war. It’s good tolook at the impending war in Iraq and say, “Isn’tit foolish to spend $90 billion to fight a war for$19 billion worth of oil?” or “Isn’t it foolish toattack a country solely because they mightsomeday have nuclear weapons?” or “Isn’t itfoolish to fight a war to prevent the possibility ofIraq having nuclear weapons when Pakistanalready has nuclear weapons, and the US attackingIraq dramatically increases the probabilityof Pakistan using them on the US?” Or whateversides of the debate you choose to look at. It’sgood to look at all these reasons why each individualattack on a foreign country is bad. But it’salso important to remember the bigger mistakethe United States is making, which is being amilitary superpower. It’s the exact same basicpattern as taking steroids so you can be thetoughest carpenter at Spanky’s. As humans andas a nation, isn’t it time to move beyondthat?–Sean Carswell29

MaddyShiftless When IdleAlright, it’s 2003! Par-tee! Another year ofover-consumption of cereal (if there couldbe such a thing), drunken bike rides, rocking outto Against Me!, and bein’ broke! Punk fuckingrock!And, in the grand tradition of the one of thegreatest punk rock writers of all time (Rev.Nørb!), I’d like to present to you: My Top TenList! However, lest I infringe on Nørb’s copyright,and thus end up in a lengthy lawsuit thatresults in the forfeiture of all my leopard printunderwear, I must change the rules, dude!So, instead of a Top Ten Records of the Year(and who am I kidding, I’ve been unable to doBottles are for bourgeois losers!is less attractive than cynicism!Note: All are in no particular order. I am ageek; but I have my limits!TOP TEN MOST PUNK ROCK THINGS1. Boxed Wine! What was I doing with my lifebefore? For ten bucks, you get a seemingly endlessdisplay of mirth-inducing entertainment!And you can take it out of the box, stick theplastic bag o’ wine in your backpack, walk orbike around town, and par-tee! Portable insanity!Why would you ever drink wine out of a bottleagain? Bottles are for bourgeois losers!out, what the fuck are you doing with your life?Listening to Earth Crisis? Man!5. D4! I think it was four years ago when I firstsaid, “D4 is the best band in the universe!” andI’m still towin’ the party line. SituationistComedy is so damn good. I can’t stop listeningto the second song, “A Floater Left WithPleasure in the Executive Washroom” (Note:Bands should hire Paddy to write their songtitles!). Can you beat these lyrics? “This isn’twhat we want/This isn’t what we need/This iswhat we can afford.” And then “Celebrate thissorry state/With anecdotes of what youhate/And Try to take comfort in the fact thatMaddyanything other than listen to D4 and AgainstMe! all year anyway), I’m gonna do Top TenMost Punk Rock Things and Top Ten LeastPunk Rock Things that have happened to methis year. Fans of lists, eat your heart out! Fansof the Zeros, beat your heart out!Aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhh!Okay, so down to business. Where to start?Negative or positive? Is the glass half-empty orhalf-full? Was Johnny Thunders the guy whostole Dee Dee’s leather jacket in Paris or was hethe savior of rock and roll? Was Joe Hill a revolutionary,genius songwriter, and all-aroundlikeable bum, or was he a murderer? Questions,questions, questions! But, in the tradition of theoptimism, joie de vivre, and lack of jadednessexpressed by many great men (like, say,Howard Zinn and Aaron Cometbus), we muststart positive! Come on, nothing302. Getting Paid to Go to School! Due to whatI can only assume was some computerized mixup,I am getting paid $16,000 a year plus freetuition and health insurance to study French historyand Journalism. Not bad, I say! It surebeats working at Cereal Adventure (where, incidentally,I was almost sued by General Mills forwriting about my experiences there).3. Garbage Pail Kid cards! A Tight Pants readerkeeps sending me ‘em! Hooray! And, if anyoneout there has the Mucus Marcus card,please, please, contact me!4. Against Me! Jesus fucking Christ! I lovethis band! I got to see them in Portland thissummer and it was one of the best shows of mylife. People climbing all over each other,singing along, screaming, out of control, euphoria,madness, punk rock religious experience, Itell ya! If you haven’t already checked themyou’re not alone.” I tell ya, hearin’ this song livemakes you wonder why people are wastin’ theirtime in church when there are songs this inspiringout there. (If that sounds stupid, I’m sorry. Ifa great show doesn’t make you feel like youcould write a novel, change the world, have sexall night, or SOMETHING, you are missing outin a big way.)6. Ben Snakepit! Snakepit is the best zine I’veread in such a long time! Ben draws hilariouslittle comic strips for each day of his punk rocklife! And he’s so funny and cool! He even gotone of my drawings tattooed on his arm. All hailBen Snakepit! Get his zine before you do anythingelse! (And the December issue will be asplit zine – me and Ben trade off drawing stupidstuff! Self-promotion! Alright!)7. Aaron! I will not gross you out and ruin myhardcore punk credentials (gained from years of

ench-pressing over 100 lbs and rocking out, to,uh, Snapcase?), by writing cheesy things aboutmy boyfriend! I will say this: My boyfriend isnot opposed to jumping up and down on his bedwhile singing along to Mr. T Experience andgoing swimming in crazy polluted rivers.Alright!8. Ben Hamper! Author of Rivethead, geniuswriter, and nice guy. Anyone who can use theirshitty job as an excuse to write has my fullendorsement. If we’re gonna be fucked over bystupid, low-paying jobs working with people wehate, we can AT LEAST do something creativewith it.9. Razorcake! (Sean and Todd: please makecheck out to me, c/o Endorsement Department).Seriously though, what a bunch of cool people!Put your hands together for Sean and Todd!What other zine has interviewed Howard Zinnand Michael Moore in the past year? Plus, apunk rock magazine that’s actually funny sometimes?A novel idea!10. Minne-fucking-apolis! Oh beloved, belovedpunk rock capital of the United States! How Imiss you! Home of the best coffee shop (HardTimes), the best bar (Triple Rock), the best randomstrange people, the best bike explorations,the best porches……… aaaaaaahhhhhhhh. Ifyou’re reading this from Minneapolis right now,consider me very, very jealous. My love for theMidwest knows no bounds. I will be back assoon as possible!TOP TEN LEAST PUNK ROCK THINGS1. New York! Man. I hate this city. I applied tograd school while broke, figured I couldn’tafford it anyway, and then, surprise, surprise, gotoffered – to use the technical term – a shitload ofmoney, which I felt like I couldn’t pass up. Theverdict is still out on whether or not all of thiswas a big mistake; but one thing I know for sure:I hate New York City. What’s to like? It’s expensive,girls wear high heels with jeans, everyonelooks like a fucking model, it’s crowded, it takesforever to get anywhere, there are no basementshows, there are hardly any good shows, period,there is no real punk scene, you go to shows andsee totally different people each time, and everyonehas something snotty to say about the rest ofthe country. A bunch of stuck-up assholes. Argh.2. Grad School! Okay, so I’m in this strangejoint degree program that combines FrenchStudies and Journalism. Does it make sense?No! Would I rather just do Journalism? Yes, hellyes. But the French department is loaded andgave me my fellowship. So I’m stuck takingclasses with a bunch of, well, could I use theterm “Nazis”? Based on the following example,you decide. The first day of orientation in theFrench department, we had to discuss somebooks we were supposed to read over the summer.One of the books was about the prosecutionof Nazis in France (During WWII, France wasunder the control of the Vichy regime, a Frenchgovernment that basically allowed the Nazis todo whatever they liked, deport Jews to concentrationcamps, eliminate freedom of speech andthe press, and get a lot of French people to joinorganizations similar to Hitler Youth.) Anyway,the book we were discussing was about recentprosecutions of (now very elderly) Nazis. Oneguy, Papon, was responsible for sending Jewishchildren to Auschwitz, killing Algerians, andjust generally being a total dick. So, Francefinally prosecuted him. And in the discussion,this one girl said, “Ya know, why can’t peoplejust move on? I mean, this was all, like, so longago, and it seems so, like, pointless. I mean,leave the guy alone. He’s just a harmless oldman.” Almost as surprising as that insane commentwas the fact that NO ONE besides mefound anything objectionable about it. When Ipointed out that sixty years is really NOT thatmuch time in the history of the world, and whyshould we let someone get away with basicallymurdering thousands of children just becausehe’s old, and what kind of message does thissend that we don’t care about anything that happenedin the past, etc. etc., everyone justshrugged. Man.3. Being Broke! Well, maybe being broke actuallyis “punk” (I don’t have my punk rock dictionarywith me right now), but it sure doessuck. I think that my class rage has grown tenfold in the past year. Why should my roommateand I barely be able to make rent while otherpeople have tens of thousands of dollars justlying around? I know it seems like a commoncomplaint, but when you’re really broke, it hitsyou, hard.4. American Steel! I used to love this band! Iused to feel almost as excited about this band asI currently feel about Against Me! But then theyreleased a sub-par album and broke up. Sigh.5. Jerks at Portland Zine Convention! See mycolumn two issues ago.6. French! Okay, so I havta study French historyto get my check; but of all the histories tostudy, I dunno, French history does not reallyappeal to me. I would love to study Russian history,American history, Iranian history, and lotsof other histories as well. But France? What canyou say? A bunch of anti-Semites and snobs?Maybe a tad too harsh, but still. And we don’tstudy the cool, punk rock stuff about French history(the worker uprisings, the bohemians, theanarchists). No, we study Napoleon. Althoughthere’s something ridiculous about knowing aton about, say, Napoleon III’s economy policy orthe rise of liberal Protestant organizations in the1860’s (and I appreciate ridiculosity in all itsforms, believe me), it is abundantly clear that Iam definitely WASTING MY TIME. (Why can’tI just stop taking French and just do journalism?See point #3.)7. Dubya! Need I say more?8. Feeling politically helpless! I am really havinga hard time figuring out something useful Ican do to fight all the horrible things that havehappened in the past year besides just going toprotests and writing political articles. Help.9. Not living with my sister, candy-eater,Russian expert, and Tight Pants columnist,Emily. (Perhaps better known by her ridiculouspunk name E. Nebulous Neezer – that’s whathappens when you assign punk names at age 12.Alright!) You’re lucky if you can find one personwho completely understands you, and it’s nofun being half a country away from them.10. New York pizza. Thin crust? No thanks!Alright! So there you have it! My two topten lists! Go forth and celebrate the New Year!–MaddyP.S. New issue of Tight Pants out and I’m notlyin’ this time! Send two bucks or five stampsto: Maddy, 296A Nassau Ave #3L, Brooklyn,NY, 11222. For distro rates, email me: cerealcore@hotmail.com

I r e a l I z e d o n c e a g a I n t h a t l o o k s a n d a b s u r d I t yF a r o u t w e I g h p r o F e s s I o n a l I s m a n d m u s I c I a n s h I p !The Dinghole ReportsBy the Rhythm Chicken(Commentary by Francis Funyuns)[Edited by Dr. Sicnarf]Rytm Kurcze, Rytm Kurcze, tak,tak, tak! To jest prawda! Ja I mojadziewczynka jechamy do Polce!Doskanale! Jestemy bardzoszczecliwy I niespokojny! Dzis jestmoja koncowy “Dinghole Report”z Ameryki!… Whoops! Oh yeah,I’m still in America. Sorry aboutthat. Sometimes my beak getsstuck in Polish linguistics. So, anyway,this is my final DingholeReport…[Gasp! –Dr. S.](What do you mean?!! How canthis be? Why?!! –F.F.)[Please, Mr. Chicken, NO!! Pleasedon’t send me back to thePeninsula Pulse! I beg of you! –Dr.S.]YOU DIDN’T LET ME FINISH!BUCKAW!! This is my finalDinghole Report… FROMAMERICA![(sigh! –F.F. & Dr. S.)]Starting with issue #13, I will bescratching out my Dinghole Reportsfrom the medieval bowels ofKrakow, Poland. You see, myWisconsin fanbase has grown somewhatcomplacent. Minnesota andMichigan are both a little too“Fargo-ish”. Becoming an Illinoisresident would tear me apart on amolecular level, plus I would neverget those Screeching Weasel guitarsolos out of my head! Seeing as howmy parents now live in Krakow, WI(population 80), I thought I wouldgive them HUGE bragging rights byhaving their son move to Krakow,POLAND! (population 700,00+)Besides, I had so much fun dispensingruckus in Eastern Europe lastyear, I thought I would just make itpermanent!32(So, does that mean we have tomove WITH you? –F.F.)Silly Francis. Thanks to moderntechnological giz-whackery, youand Sicnarf can still participate viaEmail. Besides, I need you two tostay here and Fed Ex me my weeklysupply of Pabst![Participate via Email? Oh great.We’ll be the Satellite Sisters ofruckus! –Dr. S.]Ok, if you prefer, Dr. Sicnarf, ICOULD send you back to thePulse. I hear they’ve been lackingin the alcoholic mathematiciansdepartment lately.(We like it right here, Mr. Chicken!The Doctor and I are backing youall the way! –F.F.)[SUCKUP! –Dr. S.]Settle down, you two! I don’t havetime for your HOOSHWASH! I’vegot four Dinghole Reports to cramin here this time. You SLICK-SLACKS keep your bickering toyourselves!(Hooshwash? –F.F.)[Slick-slacks? –Dr. S.]ANYWAYZZZZZZ, I knew thatmy final Chicken gigs in Americahad to have that something extra tolet the ruckus ring from sea to shiningsea ‘till my return. No bakesaleor crock of Rhythm Chili would doin this case. I needed somethingBIG! Then I was saved by Rusty atMilwaukee’s Rockhaus (my soulprovider of fine instruments ofruckus). He graciously providedme with the LARGEST DRUM-STICKS IN THE WORLD! Theseain’t no Philly-sticks! These threefoot-longand two-inch-thickruckus logs weigh in at about threepounds EACH! They are actuallymade by Pro-Mark and are supposedto be props or drumshopdecorations. I say SCREW THATHOOSHWASH! These wereMADE for the Chicken! Theruckus don’t get no bigger thanthis— the Rhythm Chicken unsheathesthe ruckus logs from his dingholeand clubs both Francis and Sicnarfover the noggins with a wooden“pthunk” sound —I said NO MORE HOOSHWASH!I’m moving to Poland! Deal withit! I’m now playing Pro-Markruckus logs! Deal with it! I’ve beenusing Trillium Herbal Body Polish!Deal with it![(What? –F.F. & Dr.S.)]{AHAAAA! GAY RUB!!!–Ruckus Thomas}Ooops! I mean….Dinghole Report #25: ChickenRuckus a-go-go!(Rhythm Chicken sightings #252,#253, & #254)After I pounded out some ruckusrock on Chic-a-go-go (Chicago’slocal punk rock Solid Gold-typeTV show), Jake Roctober asked theRhythm Chicken to play at his firstfestival of one-man-bands, aptlytitled “Uno-a-go-go.” A festival ofone-man-bands? How could I passup such a sheer spectacle of freakdom?I really have to hand it toJake. He threw one hell of a gizwhack-o-ramma!One-man-bandsfrom all over the country, fromother countries, hundreds of themin a week-long festival! I wasproud to be a part of such a monumentalgathering of loners! Being aworking stiff from the Wisconsinnorthwoods, I could only attendtwo days of the festival. ThatFriday night, my Hen and Izoomed down to Chi-town straightfrom work to catch the festival atthe Fireside Bowl. Upon arrival wefound out that Jake’s wife had goneinto labor. He became a papa! Hisfestival partner, the Fireside’sBrian Peterson, welcomed theChicken and gave him the greenlight. I decided to set up theChicken Kit in front of the merchtables, just to be a clucker. I setdown my beer, pulled on theChicken head, and started theopening drumroll. The curiouscrowd gathered towards the backlanes, and then WHAMMO,Chicken ruckus! I rocked out a fewrhythmic doses of sonic ruckus. Awhiney-voiced audience memberrepeatedly shouted in each break,“You’re not a chicken! You’re arabbit!” I repeatedly pointed himout and sent waves of audio ruckushis way. The taunting continueduntil I unsheathed my newestweapons of mass ruckus.Glistening in fresh ding-juice, Iraised the ruckus logs to the sky.The place went nuts. I felt that myshow was done, stood to acceptmore applause, bowed, grabbed mybeer, and scurried to the back cornerto rest and drink some ruckusjuice. Eerily, the whole place wassilently watching me. Someonetook a picture of me in my Chickenhead, drinking my beer in the corner.They thought there was more.They were as confused as I. It wasn’tuntil my nest performance anhour later that I realized my previousmistake. I rocked out anotherChicken show. The crowd yelledlouder than before. I pulled out theruckus logs and raised them skyward.The place hollered for more.Suddenly, right then, the revelationof sheer lunacy struck me and Iknew my new purpose in time andspace. I began PLAYING thedrums with these foolishly enormoussticks! My hi-hat and floortom fell over from the bombard-

ment. It was difficult to play withany accuracy or good timing, butDAMMIT it was LOUD and itlooked good! The crowd wentruckus wild! I realized once againthat looks and absurdity FAR outweighprofessionalism and musicianship!My favorite other performersthat night were King LouieOne-Man-Band, World Provider,and Bob Log III. Afterwards, myHen and I scratched over toSchuba’s to catch the late set byRex Hobart and the Misery Boys.A fine way to end the evening.Saturday we woke up at MikeFinch’s mighty palace of herc, justbeneath the subway again! Laterthat night the festival continued atthe Abbey Pub. Tonight’s headlinerwas the mighty LonesomeOrganist. I was excited. We sat andenjoyed overpriced ruckus juicethrough the opening acts. Long liveRocket Craig, the world’s firstatomic singer! Later, I was giventhe green light once again. Thistime I decided to set up in front ofa back hallway, effectively blockingthe entrance to the restrooms,also utilizing a wall mural of ademented leprechaun as a backdrop.Once again, the openingdrumroll drew the curious crowd togather ‘round. Ruckus rhythmswere pounded out to thunderousapplause. They couldn’t getenough! I knew they were ready soI drew the ruckus logs out of mydinghole and held them victoriouslyskyward. They yelled louder.Again, I attempted to PLAY withthese rhythm rockets, but this timeit was a little different. I was holdingthe logs more towards the middlefor better balance and suddenlyI learned that I could ACTUALLYPLAY somewhat EFFECTIVELYwith these monsters! And DAMNare they LOUD! Ruckus is reborn!The Chicken’s got new guns! Thewindy city ate it up. Geneticallyenhanced drumsticks, KFC bedamned! Following the Chickenwas LA’s TV Sheriff and his VideoApe, then the Lonesome Organist.Uno-a-go-go was one of thecoolest musical events I’ve everencountered. Three clucks for JakeRoctober and Brian Peterson!CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK!!! Also,Jake’s newest issue of Roctobermagazine is a huge encyclopediaof one-man-bands. Simply put, itkicks a lot of dinghole!(Now, about this so-called “hooshwash”…–F.F.)[Yeah, and that “slick-slack” stuff.Is there a Polish joke in here somewhere?–Dr. S.]Tak! Jestesz bardzo glupi, nie zamadry wcale. Jaka szkoda!c h I c k e n F I n g e r , a n y o n e ?(Huh? –F.F.)Dinghole Report #26: GroovieRuckus with the Ghoulies!(Rhythm Chicken sighting #258)It’s been almost a full year sinceGreen Bay’s only all-ages venueclosed down. What a joy it was tohear that Timebomb Tom was settingup an all-ages GroovieGhoulies show at the RiversideBallroom! This is Green Bay’smost beautiful old-timey ballroom.It hosted the second to last WinterDance Party with Buddy Holly andthe Big Bopper gracing the stage.After Green Bay was Clear Lake,IA, and then KERBLAMMY! Onthis stage I’ve also seen the DeadKennedys, X, Husker Du, andFugazi. Earlier this year, theRhythm Chicken played here forDancin’ Dan Marcelle’s weddingreception (ye ol’ chicken dinner).The aunts, uncles, and grandparentswere groovin’. However, thistime it was a rock show, and agroovin’ one at that! Manplanetfinished their pyro-explosive show.The Chicken Kit was throwntogether in the middle of thedancefloor. The opening drumrollsounded off and the GB kids gatheredaround.. They remembered

their Chicken and repaid him withhuge applause. The ruckus wasgood. It was time. I unveiled toGreen Bay the mighty rhythmhammers, the ruckus logs! Theyroared. Re-inventing ruckus, onetown at a time! I’ve upped the ante.Raise the ruckus bar one morenotch. THIS ONE GOES TOELEVEN!!! I floored them withmy ruckus-log-rhythms and the gigwas complete. While tearing down,Manplanet’s singer (Mr. White)approached me and asked, “Areyou THEE RhythmChicken?” Is there another?The Groovie Ghoulies tookthe historic stage and rockedits nuts off! I’m a misfit,don’t fit in. Later, Jake’spizza was consumed in blissfulnostalgia.[Yeah, yeah, Mr. Chicken.These safe kiddy shows withthe big funny clown stickssound all nice and cheery, butwhatever happened to theKeith Moon drunken wrestlerockgigs of the past? Sure,these so called “ruckus logs”sound all big and scary, butI’m afraid you’ve become nomore dangerous than a cuddlypunk rock petting zoo.–Dr. S.]Oh, Dr. Sicnarf. You judgeprematurely. These gigs weremere trial runs for the fullblown explosive ruckus tocome! I had to prepare for mygig with the Supersuckers!(Fuckinay! And you WEREborn with a tail!… er,hatched, that is. –F.F.)Dinghole Report #27:Strangling, Wrestling, andDrunken Ruckus inBrewtown!(Rhythm Chicken sightings #259and #260)The Rhythm Chicken’s rockshowwas requested, via Email, for anupcoming Supersuckers gig inMilwaukee. Seeing as how this is afour-hour drive from myWoodshed, I requested $40 gasmoney. The Emailed reply read,“Let’s just make it $50, and all thePabst you can drink.” I smiled. Afew weeks later I found myselfback in Brewtown. The Onion evenrecommended the show and mentionedthe scheduled gig by theRhythm Chicken/Rally Rabbitbefore he’s off to Poland.(Fuck that Rally Rabbit shit! –F.F.)Yeah, so I was about to load my kitinto the club when I34ran into Timebomb Tom and SteveZamboni from Green Bay. Theyhelped me carry in my terribletools of ruckus. The club ownerreads the bass drum and says, “SoYOU’RE the Rhythm Chicken.” Inod. He then says, “Well, you andyour crew can load into the backroom and then just go nextdoor fordinner and throw it all on my tab.”My crew? I smiled again. FreePabst. Free Pabst. Free Pabst. My“crew” and I went nextdoor andviolently inhaled their gourmet“chicken margarita” pizza, cannibal-style.Radioactive birdseed forthe soul! Free Pabst. Free Pabst.Free Pabst. The opening bandplays. Free Pabst. Free Pabst. FreePabst. The soundman finds me andsays, “Okay, you’re on for the nexthour.” The next HOUR? Was heexpecting me to play for anHOUR? This ain’t no PARADE!Free Pabst. Free Pabst. Free Pabst.I set up my Chicken Kit in the middleof the packed club. Free Pabst.Free Pabst. Free Pabst. “How can Imake this last for an HOUR?” FreePabst. Free Pabst. Free Pabst. I useno microphones. I pretend to do asoundcheck. Bass drum: THUD,THUD, THUD, THUD! Floor tom:BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!Snare drum: CRACK, CRACK,CRACK CRACK! Tom chuckles.Free Pabst. Free Pabst. Free Pabst.I walk away for a few minutes.Free Pabst. I return, sit at theChicken Kit, and pull on myChicken head. The packed clubyells, “YAAAAAAY!” Huh. I raisemy Regal Tip quantum 3000’s tothe sky. The crowd yells, “YAY!” Istand up and raise my arms higher.The place yells louder,g l I s t e n I n g I n F r e s h d I n g - j u I c e , Ir a I s e d t h e r u c k u s l o g s t ot h e s k y . t h e p l a c e w e n t n u t s .“YAAAAAAAY!” I sit back downand the crowd watches me motionlessfor about ten seconds. I raisemy arms again. The crowd yells,“YAAAAY!” This little charadegoes on for another twelve minutes.I’m jumping up and down,waving my wings, doing all sortsof drunken theatrics, but not oncehitting a drum. The place yells,“YAAAY!” A rather drunkMilwaukeean in front of me grewtired of my hooshwash and beginsheckling, “Play your drums!”,“You suck!”, “You don’t look likea chicken!”, “You suck!” I flip himoff, Johnny Cash-style. He continuesto heckle so I decide to finallystart playing the drums just todrown him out. After unleashing agood sloppy dose of drunkenruckus rhythm on the crowd, theyyell, “YAAAAY!” I smiled again. Ibend over and take a pull off of mybeer. They yell, “YAAAAY!” Itappeared as if I had the packedclub in the palm of my wing. (EvenEddie Spaghetti was watchingfrom the stage, holding up his sonto witness the Easter ruckus) Butthen the drunken heckler starts upagain, “You suck!”, “You suck!”Instantly, Timebomb Tomhas the heckler by theTHROAT telling HIM toshut up! This is getting fun.The ruckus continues. Moreruckus rhythms. More“YAAAY!” Free Pabst. FreePabst. Free Pabst. Moreruckus rock. More“YAAAY!” Free Pabst. FreePabst. Free Pabst. Then theheckler starts up AGAIN!Don’t get me wrong. I totallyDIG this shit! I finally breakdown and pull out my giantruckus logs. I valiantly raisethem up for all to see. Theplace goes absolutely WILD!I pound out some loud sloppydrunken log rhythms.[Log rhythms? Logarithms?Is this where I come in? –Dr.S.]The place goes crazy, andonce again I hear, “You suck!You suck!” Like two scudmissiles, I hurl the logs at theheckler and dive over mydrums at him! WRESTLE-ROCK! FREE PABST!RUCKUS! The heckler and Iare rolling around in thecrowd. The crowd yells,“YAAAY!” The drunkenheckler starts gushin’, “I loveyou, man!” I just about hadenough and choose to end theChicken gig. I stagger into the backroom to more applause. The clubowner is standing there. I expecthim to send me back out to play thefull hour, but he slaps a $50 billinto my wing and says, “Worthevery penny!” I throw the drumsinto the corner and watch theSupersuckers from the bar. FreePabst. Free Pabst. Free Pabst. Afterthey’re done I meet some friends atthe Cactus Club. Christreater isbartending and says, “The RhythmChicken HAS TO play here,NOW!” I tell him that I’m tootired, drunk, and sore, but he winsme over by saying, “I’ll give youfree Pabst.” Ugh.(Right on, Rhythm Chicken! Youhold the champion belt in ruckusrock! You stand alone! –F.F.)

[Indeed, Mr. Chicken! I standcorrected! –Dr. S.](Yeah! Now about this“hooshwash”… –F.F.)Dinghole Report #28: TheLast American Ruckus!….(For Now?)(Rhythm Chicken sightings#261 and #262)The very next week it wasanother four-hour drive downto Milwaukee in the name ofruckus. I figured this couldvery well be my last concert inthe good ol’ US of A for quitesome time. I jumped at thechance to play at the historicModjeska Theater inMilwaukee’s old Polish districtwith the DismembermentPlan from DC (as inWashington, not Door County,a common mistake in theseparts). It was a huge ancientbeautifully ornate theater thatleft me in awe. As in previousD-Plan gigs, I fashioned myvery own side-stage with acurtain. This time the promotereven arranged for my ownspotlight from the balcony! Asa backdrop I had an enormouscircular prop left behind fromsome previous event. It read,“Grammy Awards” with thegramophone symbol. The coolshit really does come togetherin the end. So the D-Plan tookthe big stage. Their singer,Travis, addresses the 400+excited fans, “Hi. We’re theDismemberment Plan fromWashington DC.” The crowdyells. Just then, the spotlightilluminates the side-stage,Josh whips open the curtain,and there in front of the hugeGrammy sign is the RhythmChicken doing his openingdrumroll. Perfect! The crowdmakes a collective “Wha?…”as they gather ‘round. Thetough-as-nails rhythm rockfills the old theater and thekids go crazy! The D-Plangive up some of their owntime slot to enjoy the show.After a few doses of rhythmruckus and applause, I feelthat the theater of indie-rockersare ready for my newruckus logs. I unsheathe mymonsters, raise them up, andfor a split second all is right inthe world. There I am, theRhythm Chicken, holding upmy “Bunny” Carlos rhythmrockets with a GrammyAwards backdrop with a spotlightshining down on myfrom above, and the crowdjust goes wild. This is myruckus. This is my punk. Thisis what keeps me scratching.The D-Plan were amazing asusual. While tearing down myset, a Chicken fan asks me ifmy ruckus logs are two legsfrom a table. I smile again.Afterwards, we all meet at theCactus Club. Christreater isbartending and says, “TheRhythm Chicken HAS TOplay here, NOW!… I’ll giveyou free Pabst.” So these werethe final American gigs of theRhythm Chicken. Maybe I’lldo one more Door County tourif we get a good blizzardbefore I fly off (good beingtwo feet of snow, or more).[Well, Mr. Chicken, I awaityour correspondence fromkielbasa-land. – Dr. S.](Good night, Johnboy! –F.F.)Dobranoc!–The Rhythm Chickenrhythmchicken@hotmail.comwww.rhythmchicken.com80

One More Chord Than the CompetitionInterview and Photos by Kat JetsonSometime earlier this year TheRattlesnakes slithered over and snuck upon me. “Hot damn!” I mused to myself asthey blasted onto the stage and sunktheir fangs into my unsuspecting heart. Iknew right then that their love shot ofhigh energy rock would forever be sloshingthrough my veins. Looking back on itnow, I think what initially snagged mewas Nathan, in a cool, green sweater,feverishly dancing and belting out vocalswith vomit-inducing intensity. Imagine ifKurt Cobain stepped in on FrankBlack’s Pixies. Yeah, they’re THATgood! Ask them where they’re from andthe answer will no doubt garner a quizzicallook followed by something along thelines of, “Where the hell is Corona?”(It’s Southern California-y.) But Ithought, what the heck! Even bandsfrom funny places deserve an interview.Kat: What do you think about when youlook out the window?Watson: Which window? It depends.Kat: Any window.Nathan: I wasn’t prepared for that.Watson: Yeah. I thought you were going toask me how to play drums.Kat: I’m sorry. I have no drum questions.Nathan: Uh.Kat: That’s not a very good answer. Haveyou ever been interviewed before?Watson: I don’t think so.Nathan: What was the question?Watson: What do we think about when welook out the window?Nathan: I think about how terrible workingis.Watson: I guess I think about – prettytrees. The pretty sky.38Nathan: That question is too hard.Kat: I heard a rumor that you weren’tgoing to play a show for a whole twoweeks. Is that a record?Nathan: There was a period where wewere playing six or seven times a month.But that wasn’t until February. Before thatit was, like, once a month. We once tooksix months off.Kat: What were you doing?Nathan: We were depressed.[Watson thinks that’s funny.]Kat: Did you look out the window?Aaron: We couldn’t afford a window.That’s why we were so sad.Nathan: We’re just taking some time off –getting our album together.Kat: What are you going to do with youralbum?Nathan: Sell it.Kat: I want to know why Candice has amicrophone only sometimes.Nathan [to Candice]: Well!Candice: They take it away from me whenI’m being punished.Kat: So you’ve been punished for twomonths now?Nathan: We have some songs that shesings on and we have some songs that shedoesn’t, but the songs that she sang on werekinda cuter. And we’re not cute anymore.We’re older now.Kat: That answer will do just fine.Nathan: I feel like we’re failing this test.Aaron: Wait, do you want the truth whenyou ask these questions?Kat: Sometimes people are serious.Sometimes they’re not.Watson: That’s kind of like us.Aaron: Yeah. Only more so.Nathan: I’ve been telling the truth thewhole time.Aaron: So have I!Kat: Yes, we’re very sad about your brokenwindow, Aaron.Aaron: It really is broken.Nathan [to Aaron]: Which window!?Watson: The one to his soul.Aaron: I’ve broken a couple of windows inmy day.Candice: With his butt.Nathan: He has broken two windows withhis ass! Once, as a surprise, he came up tomy apartment window and his ass hit thewindow and the whole thing just shattered,and his ass came through it. It was great!Watson: Did you cut your butt?Aaron: I’m a rock!Nathan [to Watson]: Fuck no! What areyou, stupid?Kat: And what was the second time?Candice: That was the second time!Nathan: The first time was at Candice’smom’s house.Kat: You might want to be careful withthat. It’s like a weapon.Watson: You must have a really hard ass.Or a big ass. Or a big, hard ass.Nathan: Aaron’s been arrested, too.Watson: For his ass?Kat [to Watson]: Do you want to talk aboutyour drums? You seem sad that you don’tget to talk about them.Watson: That’s all I know how to talkabout.Kat: What album do you get sad with?Nathan: If I’m feeling like total, total shit,then I’ll listen to Pedro The Lion.Watson: Do you mean sad ‘cause it affectsus emotionally, or makes us sad that we’relistening to it?Kat: Like when you’re sad and you put ona record to be sad with… To wallow inyour depression, I guess.Nathan: I like Low a lot when I’m sad.Watson: I don’t usually wallow. I’ll justput on AC/DC. Or maybe Hank Williams,Sr.Kat [to Eric who is sitting across the roomand hasn’t said one word so far in this interview]:Are you okay over there?Kat: Okay, so… What do you think aboutwhen you look out the window? Just kidding.Watson: You know what? I can’t answerthat because none of my windows look outonto anything.Nathan: Maybe we just need some time towarm up, ‘cause that’s a good one, but it’skinda…Aaron: It’s kind of a tricky one.Kat: Well, you didn’t have any windows inschool or anything?Watson: Then I’d think about not being inschool.Aaron: That’s what I think about – badthings. But I’m not going to put that in theinterview.Watson: You think about actually doingbad things?Aaron: Noooo! Never mind.

Watson: I guess I don’t understand.Aaron: A couple of weeks ago I was drivingon the freeway and there was thisdumb fucker in an Aztek behind me withhis brights on, and he just kept gettingbehind me.Watson: An Aztek?Aaron: Yeah, the Aztek. It’s the dumbestfucking car in the universe.Watson: I thought it was a person.Aaron: It looks like Legos. Anyway, thisguy has his fucking brights on and all Icould think was that I wanted to stop mycar in the middle of the freeway, reach intomy glove box and get out my tire iron, getout of my car, and smash his lights out.Nathan: Sorry, where were we?Kat: No, that’s okay. I guess he was technicallylooking out the window when hethought that. Anyhow, shifting gears –when was the first time you saw peniswhipped out on stage?Nathan: The singer fromThe Switch! He pulled outhis dick and wrapped itaround his guitar and hesaid, “Wrist watch!” Ithink his is the only dickI’ve seen.Watson: Except your own.Nathan: Except my own.And my roommate’s.Watson: You’ve seenyour roommate’s dick?Nathan: In pictures.(That doesn’t seem normalto me, but I don’t pursuethat line of questioning.)Kat [to Eric who still hasn’tspoken]: You have anyinput?Eric: I don’t know anything.Kat: Okay.Nathan: I guess we don’t go to enoughshows.Kat: What was the best present under theChristmas tree?Watson: My Nintendo.Nathan: When I was seven years old I reallywanted this G.I. Joe jet and I got it.Aaron: I’m still trying to remember.Kat [to Candice]: Did you not have aChristmas tree?Watson [to Candice]: What about a bikewith streamers.Kat: And a banana seat.Nathan: Wait! One year my mom boughtme cans of food ‘cause she didn’t like me.Kat: What?!Nathan: I got boxes of canned food forChristmas.Watson: Awesome! Was it just like foodshe had in her cupboard for a long time anddidn’t want anymore?Kat: Did she think you were setting up afood drive or something?Nathan: I think it was to shove it in myface that she knew I didn’t have anymoney.Watson: I think everyone has one badChristmas. One year all I got were shittytoy robots. And I didn’t like robots.Kat: But even shitty robots…Watson: No, it sucks. When I was a kid Iwasn’t really into ironic toys. I liked toysthat were actually cool.Aaron: Once I got a bowling ball.Kat: Is that good?Aaron: No, I didn’t bowl.Kat: Well, you could throw that out yourwindow next time you see an Aztek.Watson: One time I asked for a Mongoosescooter and my parents got me a Ninjascooter, so I ghost-rode it until it died. All Iknow is that it didn’t have the mongoose onit so I wasn’t into it.Nathan: Most kids ghost-ride bikes theydon’t want.Candice: What does that mean? Ghost-riding…Watson: Where you, like, ride it for awhile and jump off and just push it, and itgoes by itself until it crashes.Aaron: Here’s a question for all you guys –did you ever have a Big Wheel?Watson: Fuck, yeah!Aaron: Did you ever turn it upside downand turn the pedals and say that you werethe ice cream man?Watson: No! That’s the most retardedthing I’ve ever heard.Aaron and Candice: Everyone on ourblock did it.Watson: Well, that’s ‘cause you guys arefrom Corona.Candice: I ask everyone and we still can’tfigure out where that whole ice cream manthing came from.Watson: Maybe Corona?! That doesn’tmake any sense to me.Aaron: It doesn’t make sense to me either,but we all did it.Kat: Did any of you have a GreenMachine?Nathan: Yeah! I remember the GreenMachine.Kat: Hot! Bands have written songs aboutthe Green Machine.Nathan: You’d know it if you had one.Kat: If you were stuck in an elevator withone live object and one inanimate object,what would they be, and what would youdo with them?Watson: Oh man. I’ll go last. How long areyou stuck in there?Kat: Let’s just say like, a day.Watson: I’d say – this is really genericsounding… A hot chick and a helicopter.Kat: A helicopter? In an elevator?!Watson: Yeah.Kat: Okay, well… What would you dowith them?Watson: Fly around.Kat: In the elevator?Watson: You didn’t say how big it was. Itcould be a giant elevator.[Lots of laughter ensues.]Aaron: He’s got youthere. I’d pick a dolphinand a bucket of fish, andI’d train that dolphin toget me out of the elevator.And then I’d sell thatdolphin when I got out.Like, on eBay. ‘Causelike, it’s trained.Kat: That’s actually brilliant.I have to commendyou on that answer.Watson: Or a dolphinand a helicopter.Kat: You could teach ithow to pick up hotchicks. Just swoop downin its helicopter.Watson: I’ve alwayswanted one (a helicopter).Nathan: You seem morelike a jet pack kinda guy.Watson: Either/or. Eric?Eric: What?Watson: What would you want?Eric: Ask me last.Nathan: I’d say a wizard and a knife. AndI’d use the knife to make the wizard get meout.Aaron: But he’s a wizard.Nathan: He still has to do what I say.Watson: You’d need some anti-wizardknife or something.Nathan: Okay, can I change that to a magicknife? Or maybe a wizard and some valium.Kat: What would you do with the valium?Nathan: I’d drug him. And then you don’teven want to know…Kat [to Candice]: You’re apparently fourthto answer because Eric would like to belast.Watson: C’mon, Candice. You can’t passon this one.Candice: Yeah, I can.Nathan: Boooooooo! Booooooo!Watson: If you pass, I get to bash yourhead in with one of these39

[microphones].Nathan [angrily at Candice]: Come on!Pick me! Pick me!Candice: Nathan.Watson: You have to say what Candicewould say, though.Nathan [answering for Candice]: No, youpick me and…Candice: Nathan and…Watson: A million dollars…Candice [laughing]:Yeah, and a million dollars.Nathan: Nathan and alife raft.Kat: Is that your answer?What would you do withthem?Nathan: Or Mexico. PickMexico!Everyone: Yeah!Candice [obviously justsaying whatever she’stold to say]: Nathan andMexico.Kat: That’s great, butwhat would you do withthem? You still have todo something with them.Nathan: Duh.Watson: Nathan andCandice would hang outand surf back home.Kat: In the elevator.Watson: Yes, in the elevator.Kat: Mexico is in the elevatorat this point.Watson: You never saidhow big the elevator was.Aaron: You’ve gotmoney. You could buythe dolphin off of me.Watson: You can surf thedolphin.Aaron: You could buymy trained dolphin, andthe dolphin will lead youback home.Nathan: Eric, you needto go.Eric: Alcohol. And arobot butler to serve mealcohol.Kat: Okay, that’ll do.Aaron: Wait, are robots alive?Watson: NO!Aaron: ‘Cause I saw this really compellingmovie…Watson: Don’t say Short Circuit.Aaron: It was called The Toy, and it wasabout this boy robot and he didn’t want tobe a robot…Nathan: Okay, next question.Kat [to Nathan]: You have lots of songsabout skulls and horses. Explain.Nathan: There aren’t that many songsabout skulls.Kat: There’s three.Nathan: Really? Name ‘em.Watson: Well, there’s “Curse of the SkullHead.”Nathan: One.Kat: And there are two songs where theword skull is actually in the song.Nathan: Are you sure?Kat: Swear to God.You must have a really hard ass. Or a big ass.Or a big, hard ass.Nathan: Okay, okay. Well, my brain hurtsme A LOT! And I think about that a lot.And there’s only so many times you canuse the word “brain,” so I start using“skull.” As for the horse thing – it’s alwaysbeen there in my life, and anything creativeI’ve ever done, horses always end up in it.[Everyone laughs.]Nathan: Every short story I’ve ever writtenhas had a horse in it. I don’t ever do it onpurpose, it just ends up there. Maybe in mypast life I was a horse.Kat: What’s your favorite guest appearanceof a band on a TV show?Watson: Is a TV show in like, a movie?Kat: It can be from a movie, too.Nathan: This is hard for us, ‘cause three ofus lived together and we didn’t have a televisionfor four or five years.Watson: It wasn’t my favorite, but I saw apilot with The Muffs. It was a cop showand there was a character obsessed with thelead singer of The Muffs.Kat: Serious? This was aTV show?Watson: It was a pilot thatnever got made into ashow.Kat: L7 were in SerialMom. Camel Lips…Nathan: Aaron’s dumbgirlfriend at the time wantedme to go see that moviewith her, and I didn’tknow anything about it,but she said L7 were in itwearing crotchless pants,so I’m all, “Okay.” I neversaw the crotchless pants.Kat: So this interview hasbeen me, Nathan, Watsonand Aaron.Eric: I’ve said stuff. I saidone thing.Watson [about Candiceand Eric]: Usually youcan’t get those two to shutup.Kat: What video gamewould like to be stuck in?Okay, look, I don’t knowhow long – it doesn’t haveto be forever.Eric: Space Quest. You’djust have a big blockheadwith this big black dot inthe middle of your head.Watson: Either that orHamburger Time.Nathan: Burger Time.Not Hamburger Time.Watson: Whatever.Nathan: Candice?Candice: I don’t playvideo games.Nathan: You’ve playedvideo games!Watson: You have andyou know of things calledvideo games.Aaron: What about Off Road?Nathan: Just pick…Kat: Pac-Man. So you can eat lots of dots.Nathan: Pac-Man: All the dots you caneat…Kat: This is your last question, so makeyour answer good. What’s been the wildestthing you’ve done on a dare?Eric: I made out with the same girl Aaronand Nathan made out with. A long timeago.Watson: I wrestled a drunk dogonce. But I don’t remember it beinga dare.www.therattlesnakes.com41

There are bands thathelp define a time.I’m not talking in some jackoffrock journalistic sense that I canbaste myself in the hopes of saying,“I knew them back in the day” tenyears from now to help slide myhand under some lady’s panties orget a backslap from a dude. I’m talkingin a visceral, needle-to-vinylsense where monkeys take over theuniverse, shove tubes into your musclesand clamp electrodes on to yourfleshy parts. Bewildered, you watchthem plug in their instruments.Before you can react, they blow yourhead, making your brain a fluorescent,glowing mushroom cloud withnuclear rings smoking out from it.Music so good, it’s almost impossiblenot to like, unless you masturbatewith bobble head figurines ofteen pop idols or get slap happy tothe sounds of television screensbreaking.C’mon. Crack the whip. Fuck thesip. Guzzle.The radio sounds mostly like anextended fart. Critics mix up mindblowingwith PR dick-sucking. Bandsthat play like they’re providing backgroundmusic to instructions on howto tie you shoes are being touted asthe “voice of a generation.” Leaveme out of it. It reeks of date rapes atthe doorstep of music’s mortuary.Give me D4, a band that plays,sometimes bloody, sometimesnaked. Give me something thatmakes my stereo’s speakers throband blare as I shout along withthem, providing more ammunitionfor my downstairs neighbors to tryand evict me. Give me a bomb thathasn’t exploded but the fuse is stilllit, held by some grinning, drunkMidwesterners who have given meanother way to cope with a lifethat’s intolerable in so many ways.Yeah, it all sounds prettygrandiose and maybe I should justadjust my meds, but when I plop oneof their records on, things slip loose,and I say for the thousandth time,“Yeah, what a motherfucking band.”Interview andpictures by ToddTodd: Lane, please cover theincidents leading up to meetingthe security personnel ofthe Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas.Lane: When I was first outthere a few years ago for thePunk Rock BowlingTournament, my friends and Ihad an enormous amount ofacid so we brought a prettysignificant amount with us.The first thing we did as soonas we got off the plane wasdrop some acid and hit the bar– we’re drinking all night andeverything, and sooner orlater, someone says, “Man, Ican’t believe it’s daylight out.It’s morning.” It was incomprehensibleto me. You knowwhat it’s like to be in a casino.It’s dark. You’re not supposedto know what time it is. So myfriend, Aaron, and I go toinvestigate and, sure enough,we walk outside and the sun inshining. It’s beautiful. He and

I feel like we’re in our own world, and Iwalk into the oasis at the center of the trafficcircle at the Sahara, and I kind of think,well, as long as I’m here, I might as welltake a piss.Todd: Since you’re in the jungle.Lane: That’s right. Since I’m at the oasis,looking for relief. So, I put my beer downon the pillar and let loose. It was no smallpiss. About halfway through, I suddenlyrealized I wasn’t the only one in the worldwith my friend. In fact, there were peopleunloading their luggage and milling aroundeverywhere and I was in a very, very publicplace. Luckily, I was able to finish up. Igrabbed my beer. I run back inside and goback to talking to people, which was mygirlfriend and some of her friends who Ihad just met at that time. Didn’t know ‘em.Suddenly, about a minute later, I’m surroundedby about five or six armed securityguys, and this guy says, “Do you think whatyou just did was funny?” In my state ofmind, I knew he was trying to trick me intosaying something wrong, something thatcould lead to a little jail stay or somethinglike that. So, I’m trying to think of a reasonableway to answer that question. I wantto put my beer back on the bar to addressthis guy and grab a breath. My depth perceptionwas off and thinking that I’m lettingmy bottle go over the bar, I actually letit go over the tile floor and it falls. Itbounces once and there’s this collectivegasp, and then it shatters. So, that was,effectively, my answer to that question tothat guy. I just turned to him. I said, “Youknow, I have a room at this hotel, and Ibelieve I’m calling it a night.” And theyescorted me all the way up to the room witha couple of friends I was with.Todd: Did they rough you up at all?Lane: No. Actually, I’m kind of surprisedthat I didn’t get booted out or that sort ofthing. We got up to the room and once thatdoor closed, we started rolling in laughterbecause it was such a tense moment. At thattime, I’m walking up and I’m thinking, if Ibring them all the way up to my room, canthey search it? All these things were goingthough my drug-addled mind at the time.So, I went up and sat down for a couplehours and by noon, I was back down drinkingbeer by the pool, so it was no big deal.All’s well that ends well.Todd: With a Ph.D. in clinical psychology,have you ever been tempted to evaluateyour own band members?Lane: No. I don’t do that. Honestly. I don’tdo that with my friends, and, hopefully,they don’t do that with me.Todd: And also your personal relationships.Lane: I think to be effective as a clinician,you have to have some degree of objectivityand I don’t think I would. Friendships –we’ve known each other for a long time, soit’s not really a consideration.Todd: I know that you and Erik met atHamline University, but how did you fall inline with what you’re doing now? Whatpersuaded you to go, “Here’s somethingthat I haven’t listened to,” and then youstart drumming for a band that is, quite possibly,unlike anything you’ve heard specificallybefore?Lane: Well, I spent a couple years prettymuch blackout drunk.Todd: [laughs]Erik: He’s not kidding.Lane: I’m not kidding.Todd: [tries to stop laughing]Lane: Honestly, though, meeting Erik, andprobably one of the first punk bands, quoteunquote, was probably Bloodline (a bandthat Erik was in). Where I grew up, therewasn’t punk music. There really wasn’t. Ithad never come across my radar screenbefore and I met Erik at college, and graduallythrough him, became more and moreexposed to punk music and that type ofthink we’re lucky with that. Within or withoutof the punk scene, we all had kind ofdifferent tastes, so we weren’t going to be,automatically, anything. It was very up inthe air to what kind of sound we wouldeventually have because we weren’t goingfor any sort of specific thing and the fewinfluences that we all kind of could agreeon, things that we were into, were prettydiverse right from the start.Todd: So, how much does Otis Reddinghave on the direction of your sound?Erik: Direction of the sound? Sometimes, Iwish more. I think soul music, in particular,when it’s incorporated into punk well, it’sso fucking good, but it’s really hard to do it.Rocket From The Crypt is one of the fewbands that really has – as far as bands thataren’t total garage bands that come muchmore directly from that – done it well.There’s times where we’re like, “Let’s sortahave one of those beats, sorta like an OtisRedding song.” When you translate thatthrough the four of us, no one would probablyever get that, but that’s how we see it.Lane: It’s an intangible quality and itcomes down to whether you think a bandhas depth of influence or not. Those thingstranslate in ways that probably, even beingthing. You know, I think there’s a commonsort of problem with people who grow up insmall towns. There’s a limited number ofthings that you might come across, especiallyif you don’t have access to a biggercity nearby or that type of thing.Todd: How far away was the biggest city?Lane: About sixty miles. Sioux Falls,South Dakota.Todd: In the long run, do you think that’s abenefit? Do you think you’re more resistantto trends – like pop punk and now emo –because there’s more of a foundation set?Lane: I think, across the board, it’s becauseErik and Paddy and Billy listen to prettydiverse things in punk. They’re not listeningto the same sorts of bands. I come fromsomething that’s probably completely differentfrom the three of them, but yet connectedin some ways, too, because it’s notlike those guys never listened to metal orclassic rock or some of the other things,too. We probably bring a more diverserange of influences, so it’s harder, maybe,to see where the influences are comingfrom.Erik: Bands that really fit, that are cardcarryingmembers of their specific genre –for example – when you have four guyswho are all the biggest into screamo in theentire town, and they get together and starta screamo band, you’re not going to getmuch else than what you’ve heard before. Ia member of the band, you don’t reallyunderstand, but it’s one of those extra littlethings that pins you down in another area.Erik: I know in one way that is specificallyOtis Redding. It’s one of those times wherethe band, in the early tours, would definitelystop being punk as far as what we werelistening to constantly. I remember – everyone’salways been down with Otis Redding– when all of us really started getting intohim, really into listening to him, that’s sortof a big departure ‘cause, all of a sudden,instead of listening to Jawbreaker and a lotof the punk bands that we agreed on, wehave this other thing that we’re all listeningto all the time and we’re finding reallyrefreshing. Johnny Cash, we hit a period.Lane: Motown in general.Todd: He’s the only musical artist you’venamed directly, correct?Erik: In a song, yeah. We also took a BillyBragg lyric, just straight-up took it.Todd: Do you remember what the lyricwas?Erik: Yeah. “Mixing pop and politics, heasked me what the use is.” That’s a BillyBragg lyric, but we didn’t cite it to him.Todd: “And I’ll die the day I find I’m fuckinguseless”? (From the song, “The GreatAmerican Going Out of Business Sale.”)Erik: Yeah, yeah. We kind of continuedthe sentiment. Billy Bragg – Lane and Billyweren’t into him so much –49

ut me and Paddy have been way, way,way into fuckin’ Billy Bragg and that’sanother huge influence as far as songwriting.Because of Gerty (the non-drinking,non-smoking roadie, who’s still with D4,from the very first tours) traveling with us,he’s into a lot of mountain music, countrymusic, and folk music. All of a sudden, wewant to listen to Woody Guthrie, and wewant to listen to Roger Miller.Todd: Why are so many punk rockers soscared of being influenced by other thingsthat makes you sort of obsessed with thatmusic. Consequentially, many people gothrough a period where you become a fuckingsnob about that music and that’s essentiallywhat it is. You meet someone whokind of likes jazz, you can talk about jazz.You meet someone who’s a freak aboutjazz, they’re no fun.Todd: What steps have you taken tonot become that person? Attimes, against my bestefforts, I’m a snob.extent.Lane: I think there are some people intopunk who are worried that if somehow youtouch something mainstream, punk is goingto be co-opted even more. I say, why notco-opt things from mainstream and makethem punk?Todd: My whole thing is access; havewhat we do available, and given theopportunity, drag new people into whatwe’re doing.Erik: Not to the point of trying towrite your one poppy hit song so thatyou can convince people to listen toyour other stuff, not really to thatextent. Like with any other genreof music, it’s interesting to seethe first times we heard punkmixing with country. The firsttimes we heard punk mixingwith rap, it was interesting. Itturned into something that’sless interesting, is one wayto say it, but it’s alwaysinteresting to see the firsttimes that that’s done,when you see someonewho’s found a newthing that really hasn’tbeen tried yet.Usually, the initialstuff is a.) prettypopular and b.)interesting andgood. I alwaysthink that’scool.Todd: What’sthe TwinCities Pop Mafia?Lane: It’s a series of tattoos onpeople’s arms.Erik: There was a time when there wereall these bands in the Twin Cities – andthere still is – but there was a particular,larger group of bands that were more onthe pop side of the punk thing. Very few ofthem were actually pop punk bands. It wasthat could never be considered punk rock?Lane admits that he likes Neal Pert ofRush’s drumming. A lot of people wouldsay, “Fuck you, poser. You’re not punk tothe core.”Erik: Punks, in most cases, like any musicbasedsubculture, they’re very into music.They don’t just passively know aboutmusic. They just don’t have stuff that theirfriends play for them and the radio. If youget into punk music – this was more so truein previous years and it gets a little less trueas it becomes more available – but youhave to be an active participant in it andErik: Well, I think I have been that personat times.Todd: I think age has something to do withit.Erik: Age is part of it. I’ve definitely gonethrough times when I loved nothing morethan to completely bash anyone else’smusical opinion as mainstream and boringand trite and useless. I’m that person in thepast, but not for many years, so when I domeet punks who I think are pretty closedminded about outside influences, I knowwhere they’re coming from and they’llprobably grow out of that to a certainone of those goofy things that people starttalking about. “We’re the Twin Cities PopMafia.” Frank and Norm and various otherpeople in Minneapolis started designing uplittle tattoos for it and making shirts. It waskind of like a fun thing to have. No sort oforganization to it.Lane: I think it reflects the sense of communitythat there is in Minneapolis. Eventhough it’s not a serious organization or it’snot defined in any serious way, it reflectsthat people from all types of differentscenes in the cities are hanging together.Todd: You guys have always51

een very supportive of bands that aren’tgenre specific, but at least share yourethics. Atmosphere and Lifter Puller comeimmediately to mind. You guys turned meon to them.Erik: Every band winds up with their counterpartband. For us, at first, that wasScooby Don’t and that was the most obviousbecause they were the only pop punkband doing a lot in Minneapolis. Themand an early band called Dirt Poor, wefit right in with. They would help uson the few shows that they were gettingand when we started to beable to get shows, we woulddo the same.Todd: Dirt Poor. That’sthe guy who’s doing thelabel SlamdanceCosmopolis now?Erik: Yeah, which is a phrase that’sPaddy’s been saying since he was fourteen.I love the fact that it’s actually used forsomething now.Todd: It’s a Clash lyric, isn’t it? (From thesong “Ghetto Defendant.” The lyrics werewritten by Allen Ginsburg.)Erik: Yeah, it is. Paddy’s always used thatphrase constantly. And then after that, itwas The Strike. Three out of five shows wewere playing in town, we were probablyplaying with The Strike. It was really weirdfor people at first, when all of a sudden ourcounterpart band became Lifter Puller. Butit was a really cool thing in Minneapolis. Atfirst, people didn’t know what to make ofthem. They were really more of a bar bandat the time and we started getting them allages shows and we would do some twentyoneand over ID shows and that was a reallycool and fun time. It wound up evenenlarging. In Minneapolis, the punk scenehas always been tolerant of each other’sband – but all of a sudden, it opened up aneven larger spectrum. Like, wow, here’sthis kind of indie rock band, but because wewere playing together, we’d go to theirshows when we weren’t playing, and all ofa sudden, you’d be seeing the same people.And vice versa. We would play a more barishsort of place, and there’s more indierocker types that started to catch on.There’s a lot of bands in Minneapolis thatwe never really got on with or just neverwound up hooking up and doing anythingwith, but regardless of specifically whatpunk genre you’re in or anything like that,if we like the band, we want people wholike us to know about that band. We’venever been shy about it.Todd: What was the best Halloween costumeyou had as a kid?Lane: I always liked the sheet over thehead with the two eyeholes cut out. Nofuss, no muss. Get out and collect the candyand get on with life.Todd: Lane, do you have any interest indoing other things, musically?Lane: For a long time, I’ve been talkingabout doing my side project,Spankray, which would be a ripoffof a lot of different thingsand one of things where Iget a lot of different peoplewho play a lot of differentthings to come and participateon it. I want to do a7” and see what happens.Todd: What would be the focus,theme, or idea?Lane: I’d like to do a concept recordand the concept would be to sell a lot ofthem… I’m teasing, you know? I think itwould be a fun thing to do. I don’t know ifit’ll come to fruition or not.Todd: Besides the actual Ramones performance,what other direct Ramones referencehas been in The Simpsons?Billy: [deliberating] I’ve been thinking ofHomerpalooza.Erik: I think it’s the episode where Bartand Milhouse drink the crazy Squishees andthey’re having their freakout. Or, it’s whenHomer takes the fucking chili pepper…Todd: The Guatemalan insanity pepper,and?…Erik: I can’t remember what part of thefreakout. I can’t remember who it is whosaid it, but he’s having this acid freakoutfrom it and he’s talking to someone andsomeone’s, “gabba, gooba, gabba, hey.”Todd: You’re right on track. Homer’slooking at Flanders, who’s saying a lot ofgibberish, then says, really clearly, “Gabbagabba hey.”Erik: I watch insane amounts of Simpsons.Lane: I thought you were trying to make uslook good in this interview.Erik: Two or three episodes a day foryears, but I smoke a lot of weed when I doit.Todd: Did any of you ever go to camp?Erik: I went to a Boy Scout camp for fewyears, during junior high. My last year ofBoy Scout camp, I bought a bunch of weedand just sat around for a week and got highin the woods.Lane: Erik, I think you need to tell yourloading your underpants at camp story.Erik: It was my first night at one of theBoy Scout camps, which just had tents, notcabins, but they were kind of like permanenttents on a platform. It was storminglike crazy. It’s the first night there. I waspretty young. I was probably like ten orsomething.Weebo (the driver): He’s probably like fifteen.Erik: Yeah. Storming. I woke up in themiddle of the night. It was probably fourthirty in the morning. There was a crazythunderstorm going on. I have to shit likecrazy. I have no idea where the outhouse is,but I know it’s storming everywhere andit’s off in the woods somewhere. I wasn’tentirely afraid of the dark, but reasonablyfreaked out, just with the thunder. I kind ofdo the “lay there and pretend that it will goaway,” forever. Finally, I’m at that pointwhere I’m like, fuck it. I gotta go. I make amad dash for it and I fuckin’ just load mypants – piss and shit them completely. So, Iduck into – I don’t remember if I went backinto the outhouse. I had a bunkmate in mytent, so I’m sure I didn’t go in there to takecare of it. I was fairly embarrassed. So Ipulled my underpants off and fuckin’winged them off into the woods, just figuringno one will ever know it was me. Icame back. The guy who was in my tenthadn’t woken up, so I figured I was prettymuch in the clear. The next day, one of theold campers is poking around in the woodsand finds this loaded up, nasty fuckin’ pieceof underwear. “What the fuck is this?”Right there, in fuckin’ magic marker: “ErikFunk” written right on.Todd: I’m sorry.Lane: That experience went on to be writtenin the song, “Who Didn’t Kill Bambi?”Erik: Did it?Lane: No. A little drummer humor goingon.Todd: Billy, what did Vickie Casey of theStar Tribune get wrong about you?Billy: Oh, Jesus. Contrary to popular belief,I never was a classical cellist.Erik: You look nothing like Aaron Lloyd,the guy who played Billy for that interview.Lane: Billy wasn’t there and the StarTribune said that they were going to buy usfree dinner and free drinks, and my friendAaron was around. We asked him, “Whydon’t you just pretend to be Billy?” He goesand fills in some details – most of theminaccurate – and after the interview, weproceed to smoke some weed or hash orwhatever with Vickie. We smoked her out.Actually, it was Aaron who smoked her upout in the car. The next day, the story wasgetting ready to run. She’d gone and lookedat pictures on the album or something.Billy: I went out to the car. I heard you

guys were smoking weed. I went up toAaron, and he was like, “Hey Billy, what’sup, dude?”Lane: That was another piece of it, but thenwhen she finally figured out that Billy wasBilly, and Aaron wasn’t Billy, she freakedthe fuck out. She was very angry.Erik: She talked to us about integrity.Lane: And talking about how they weren’tgoing to run the story and this and that. Bigfuckin’ deal. We could give ashit. But I also think she wasalso a little intimidatedbecause she’d gotten goodand high with us, too.Erik: They had sent over thephotographer to take the picturesfor the story, and shewas like, “So, I’m looking atthe pictures, and that guy inthe picture isn’t the Billywho I interviewed.”Todd: What’s the longestruse you’ve ever pulled onanyone?Paddy: The band.Todd: So, Erik, when youwere in high school, wereyou ever asked to go to drugcounseling, due to your eyeslooking so sunken?Erik: I had to go to a bunchof other shit, but I alwaysmanaged to conceal my druguse. I denied everything and Inever got busted with anydrugs. I did get tricked. I hadto see a bunch of differentpeople and at one point, I hadto go downtown to see thisguy who was the head ofNorthwestern’s psychologicalprogram for adolescents. Igot down there. He worked atan in-patient place, so I had atotal freakout. I was prettysure that I was being committedat that point because Ilooked around. “In-patient?”And I’m looking at all ofthese other teenagers walkingaround. Fuck this. I boltedfor the door. They had to runafter me and convince methat I wasn’t being committed.That turned out to not bedrugs. I think most of myhigh school problems weren’tactually drugs, but if they would have hadany reason to suspect I was doing anydrugs, they would have written them all offto them. So, I got lucky on that.Todd: So, Paddy, your dad was a longshoreman,correct?Paddy: Yep.Todd: Was he union?Paddy: Oh, yeah. Well, he was a dock bossfor the last fifteen years of his life, which iskinda like working the counter, becomingthe manager.Todd: What kind of ethics did he instill inyou?Paddy: It’s funny because the things heinstilled in me are almost cliché nowadaysand I’m almost embarrassed to say them.Songs, like “Superpowers Enable Me toBlend in with the Machinery” and “TheGreat American Going Out of BusinessSale,” that’s all my dad’s influence; verymuch a working man’s view of the world.You can hate the country, but you don’tnecessarily hate the people, you know whatI mean?Todd: Did he hate the country?Paddy: Oh, yeah. He really did get out ofthe army, all that stuff. I think he was apretty good example of that ‘50s/’60s periodof Jersey City/New York City. He didn’thave a racist bone in him, but he hated richpeople. If anything, his world view is a littledistorted to what degree he hated richpeople. He was very distrustful. That entireside of my family is nothing but longshoremen,and at one time, a lot of them werecops. A lot of that side of my family, therewas also a lot of involvement in organizedcrime and all sorts of stuff. But I’d saymostly not being embarrassed if someone’sgot to work for a living, which I think camein really handy for me, somewhere aroundearly junior high. When fashion, style, and“toys” come into play, I was being verysolidified with not beingobsessed with that. I gotthat from my dad. But mydad was a little bit toomuch into the ladies.That’s why my folks gotdivorced. There was along stretch where I hadno respect for him, too.Todd: Erik, how did yourparents – who are bothacademics – feel whenyou dropped out of highschool?Erik: Yeah, I just kind ofgave up on high school,which, in turn, high schoolgave up on me. I eventuallyfinished and I managedto finish in four years. Iwas lucky because myolder brother was a dumbshit. By comparison, nomatter how bad I was withmost things, he wasalways capable of doingsomething way worse. Asfar as academics, he was alot stronger – as far as notfucking around too muchand completing his work.But I think they knew Iread on my own. Theyknew that it wasn’t like Ididn’t have any intellectualdesire, promise, or anythinglike that. Theyunderstood my problemwas with book work anddaily homework. I didn’tgive a shit about that kindof stuff. I don’t think theywere ever concerned that Iwas mindless or that differentthan them, not havingany academic interests.Todd: I have to admit thatthe first time I came across the writerNelson Algren was because you mentionedhim in your song, “Doublewhiskeycokenoice.”Erik: There’s a lot of people who’ve saidthat.Todd: And I was kind of ashamed, becauseliterature was what I got my masters in andhis name never came up. It’s amazing thathe’s taken out of the canon altogether.Here’s a guy who sold 500,000 copies ofWalk on the Wild Side less53

Ithan fifty years ago and he’sbasically forgotten.Paddy: And it’s kind of ironic,too, because you haveHemingway, who neverswayed in popularity orrespect and he said thatAlgren was the second greatestAmerican writer of hisgeneration, because, ofcourse, Hemingway thoughthe was the first. That’s thestuff that blows my mind.Erik: So many writers referto Algren. The greats of thatperiod.Todd: With this band, therewere two members who hada hard time getting throughhigh school, but you compriseof one of the most intelligentand politicallyinformed bands I’ve everheard. And I’ll quote Paddyhere, you’re political, “Not ina late-period Crass sensibility,but in a Bruce Springsteen sensibility.”How did that come about? It’s not completelybookish. It’s not a bad xerox copy of ahalf-assed political pamphlet. Where didthose well formed ideas come from?Erik: I know that I didn’t really start to payattention to politics, and in particular startbecoming interested in leftist politics andnot mainstream politics, until middle highschool, and around the era of Born Against.There were the bands that were starting topique my interest in that kind of stuff. Itreally came from punk bands.Todd: Billy, have you learned anything,politically, from being in this band?Paddy: Don’t pass out with your shoes on.Billy: Yeah, no shit.Todd: Why don’t you pass out with yourshoes on?Lane: That’s the rules.Paddy: Because that means people areallowed to fuck with them.Billy: If you fall asleep with your shoes on,you just passed out. If you take your shoesoff, you’re going to bed.Erik: Good advice.Paddy: Not to answer Billy’s question, but Ithink you were already in tune with exactlythe way we all were. That’s why we wantedBilly in so bad. Everything from the nondogmaticleftist leanings to the sarcasm.You were already there, man. You did agreat job on your own.Todd: What publication has quoted you themost inefficiently?Paddy: Most inefficiently?Todd: Well, I read a quote, again in the StarTribune, that states: “The group is steadfastin its pursuit on how to be punk.” That justdoesn’t sound like anything you’d be closeto saying. [laughter]Lane: I don’t think any of us said that. Ithink there were a lot of inaccuracies in thatarticle, separate from the fact that we hadsomeone playing Billy.Erik: In my experience, a lot of the time, itdoes seem like the larger the publication, thesort of the less specific, the less carefully thequotes are used. With a lot of the smallerones, it’s almost too careful, where it’sprinted exactly how someone talks, that itdoesn’t make sense. You can’t always punctuateproperly the way someone speaks. Ithink, about eighty percent of the time,unless it was an email interview, I’ll go backand I’m like, that’s not really what I said, orthat’s only part of what I said. I feel that’spretty common.Lane: Sort of interesting editing that can goon.Paddy: I think a lot of times, it’s just hearingthe wrong thing. The entire “can”replaced with “can’t,” and “would” with“wouldn’t,” drives me fucking crazy andthat happens a lot.Erik: Because that totally changes everything,you know?Paddy: A couple of these California weeklieshave been pretty foul. They’ll ask you,point blank, “So, why do you guys hate theWarped Tour?” Your response will be,“Well, we don’t hate the Warped Tour. Wejust don’t feel it’s right for us.” But thenyou’ll get some California weekly, and notnecessarily in quotes, but the comment willbe, “Absolutely in defiance of all thingsWarped Tour. Dillinger Four has committedthemselves to fighting the Warped Tour.”Lane: We can’t say that it’s not uncommon.Todd: Paddy, weren’t you in a bar, naked?Paddy: I don’t think so… oh, the Scared ofChaka show in Denver I had dyed pubichair. I was naked there. Well, that isn’t true.I had sneakers and sunglasses on. I don’tknow. It was just something fun to do. TheGerty made me do it.Todd: Paddy, whatever became of the petitionto place Ronald Reagan onto MountRushmore?Erik: There was a petition to put RonaldReagan on Rount Mushmore? Wait. RountMushmore? Wooo, I talkie goodie. Hello?Paddy: There was a petition for it on theinternet, but I never heard anything moreabout it, though. Amphetamine Reptile gotit. It was just one of those things where peoplewere sending out to random emails. Iwas very upset that it didn’t happen. I feelvery strongly that Ronald Reagan should beup there.Lane: I think it was actually RonaldReagan’s idea, but then he forgot to pursueit.[laughter]Paddy: I don’t know if the mountain’s thatbig, either. Couldn’t get the hair.Todd: What’s the most 55

scathing criticism you’ve received that youcould kind of get their point?Lane: One time, many years ago, someonecame to check out our band in our hometownand it was one of those over-the-topdrunk shows, where I’m not even sure if wereally played songs or not, and apparentlywhen he left the quote was, “I’ve never feltmore ripped off in my life.”Paddy: He’s in that band, The RankStrangers. Show comments, though, I don’treally take to heart because our shows varyso much. If somebody sees one of the particularlycrazy ones, and is like, “That sucked,”well, they’re just not into those kinds ofshows. We are. Whatever.Erik: Not scathing criticism. I thinking ofthat thing in Alternative Press where it wastalking about Versus God. It was somethinglike, “This doesn’t break one iotaof musical ground…”Todd: “Dillinger Four isn’t exactlygroundbreaking. There’s nothinggenius about the four”? Is that the quote?Erik: Something like that, but it was actuallya good review. That was just a part of it.Todd: The quote I found was off of.Lane: There was absolutely nothing groundbreakingabout that comment.Erik: I think someone who listens to a lot ofpunk would realize we don’t sound like a lotof other punk bands. I think there was somethingvery similar to that in AP – I still thinkI’m talking about AP (“Versus God may notbreak a square foot of new ground (at barelyover a half-hour, it scarcely has time tobreak anything), but for the iconoclast punkfaithful, Dillinger Four have more thanenough piss and vinegar to go around.”)We’re fast and we’re all that. That makessense. But that’s not particularly scathing.We’re not losing sleep over it.Paddy: I bet that guy could probably go intogreat detail explaining how Aphex Twinsounds different than the Chemical Brothers.Erik: Exactly. I could see where someonelike that wouldn’t notice the differences.Todd: Erik, how many free gay beers doyou give away at the Triple Rock (the barthat Erik co-owns and co-operates)?Paddy: Free gay beers?Todd: Don’t they have the cards? The gaydiscount booklet card?Lane: What? Gay people are getting freebeers now?Erik: It’s a crazy world we live in. We justsigned up in The Source. They have it in alot of different cities. People who have aSource card get a free tap or well if theycome. It’s an advertising thing.Todd: Kind of like a coupon book.Paddy: Why are you being so hetero-phobic?Erik: We just put that in. Anyone can getone. You don’t have to be gay to have it. It’sjust the gay Yellow Pages, all gay-friendlybusinesses listed in it. The weird thing is thatthe only person who’s come in so far, camein before this thing was out. We hadn’t eventold the staff about it yet. We got this call athome: “There’s some lady here, saying thatshe has some card that gets her a free forty?”“I don’t think so.” You know what I mean?Paddy: Well, it was only because you toldme about it the night before and I was justkind of testy because the skirt was so tight.Todd: Have any “famous” punk rockersbeen expelled from the Triple Rock?Erik: Yeah. Paddy Costello. [laughter] BillyMorrisette. [laughter] The roadie for GBH.Scared of Chaka. I’m cool with them. Theycan come in now. The main guy, Karl – whowas in GBH, Broken Bones, also inBillyclub.Todd: He’s the guy who was in Conflict,too.Erik: …Also Frankie Stubbs of Leatherfaceneeded to be told to leave. If no onedid, we were asleep at the switch.Lane: You’ve got to work pretty hard to getthrown out of the Triple Rock, by virtue ofthe fact that I never have been. That speaksvolumes.Paddy: Those are pretty bold terms, beingthat you’re the only guy on this side of thetable who hasn’t been ejected. You got toput a little effort in there. Come on, son.Erik: There are lot of people who have beenquestionable. Jerry Cantrell and some crappymetal dudes who were being royal fuckingcocks. They were asked to leave.Paddy: He was in Alice in Chains?Erik: Yeah.Paddy: He should have been asked to leave,just for that.Todd: What’s the most you’ve ever eaten inone sitting?Paddy: I think it was that time in Reno withthe boneless pork tenderloin. I ate eighteenof them, with mashed potatoes and cokes. Itwas crazy. I went to town. I’ve never beenso sick. We had to play that night, too.Todd: Paddy, how many hot dogs do youcut and mix with chili, all on top of a pizza?Paddy: I tend to go all out, so I’ll just do apackage of ten hot dogs. A family-size canof chili. One will do the trick. If you throwthe hot dogs on there, that’s pretty hardcore.Todd: Paddy, did your interest in undergroundmusic start with hip hop?Paddy: I got into punk and hip hop at almostexactly the same time. Erik and I were luckyenough that we grew up in Evanston,Illinois, and WNUR, which isNorthwestern’s college station, around 1984was awesome. The hip hop shows were phenomenallygreat and there was a punk showthat was called “Fast and Loud,” that wasfucking great. A lot of record collectorswould probably know, because they’re thepeople who put out the Big Hits of Mid-America comp, so I got into them at thesame time, but that’s why, to me – Billy andI talk about this a lot – underground hip hopand punk rock go hand in hand. That’s why Ihated it in the ‘90s, when they’d say, “Hiphop is the punk of the ‘90s.” No. Hip hop isthe hip hop of the ‘90s and punk is the punkof the ‘90s. But, technically, and I’m notbeing racist when I say this because I’veread it through other hip hop journalists, andI think it’s still true: “Hip hop is the blackkid’s punk and punk is white kid’s hip hop.”It’s cool because there’s a big crossoverthere, at the same time. I remember havingcomp tapes that were Sugar Hill Gang andthe early Run DMC records on one side andBattalion of Saints, and the Somebody GotTheir Head Kicked In comp on the other.Erik: I got into hip hop first, break dancingand stuff like that, and I kind of got out of itagain before I got into punk and back intohip hop again.Paddy: Especially when hip hop becamemore political, we got really into it. WhenEric B. and Rakim got really hard, and whenPublic Enemy came around, that’s when Iremember a ton of punks and hardcore kidsgetting into it.Erik: I remember when I was first gettinginto punk was around the time I was firsthearing Fear of a Black Planet. Then ItTakes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Backcame out. PDP. All this political hip hopwhen I was first hearing political rock.Paddy: Paris.Erik: So fuckin’ bad ass.Paddy: Hell, yeah.57

A GARDENER, A FREE-FLOWING MC, AND TWO GUYSNAMED DAVE EMBARK ON THE WAR ON PORCELAIN TOURIt’s hard not to cringe a bit atall of the new ways that “punk”is finding to fit itself into conversations.I’ve always had arelatively loose definition ofwhat fell under its umbrella.Hell, I wouldn’t even callmyself punk. Sure, I like punkrock. I wear Converse andhave a bad haircut (no offenseto my personal bathroom barber).I’m not the nicest personyou’ll meet and my hygiene’snot so great. I may be bit of ascumbag but I’m just not punk.I like what I like, whatever it is.That’s where the Arrivalscome in. They’ll be the first totell you that they don’t knowwhere their punk classificationcomes in. They’re morelikely to be listening to MuddyWaters, Wu-Tang Clan, or LedZeppelin than whatever isgracing some punk top twentylist. Sure, they like theRamones and Pegboy, but itdoesn’t just simply begin andend there.I first heard the Arrivalswhen my friend Sean broughttheir CD, Goodbye New World,back with him after playingwith them in Chicago.Practically every time I’d ridein his car, I’d have him put iton. When I got my own copy, Idon’t think I went a day withoutlistening to it for almost ayear. Something new alwaysgrabbed me.Their sound is original. No two folks canput the same finger on it. People seem tohear what they want to hear. There’s fleetingbits of The Thumbs, bits of Articles of Faith,bits of the Ventures, and bits of EddieCochran. When it’s all said and done, though,I just hear The Arrivals. They’ll be who I compareother bands to from now on.Although they’ve been together for thebetter part of a decade, they’re just gettingaround to releasing their second record,Exsenator Orange. It isn’t out of any sort ofInterview by Megan Pants and ToddRONNIE DICOLA– DRUMS BIG DAVE KAKTIS – BASS LITTLE DAVE MERRIMAN – GUITAR, VOCALSISAAC THOTZ – VOCALS, GUITARISAAClaziness. What ever happened to the idea,that instead of squeezing out songs liketoothpaste to keep your label smiling brightly,of making those the best songs you canrecord? It’s apparent they haven’t lost theirtouch. It gives me such a good feeling thatsomething this good is in there amongst allthe pseudo-pop-punk-glam-core-revivalistshit coming out, all thinking they are theones to resurrect punk from the grave of theeighties. I’ve got news for them: it neverdied. The Arrivals are one of the strongest inthe legions who are not revitalizing, but reinventing,what punk rock can be.Ironically, they’d broken up forall intents and purposes. The bandjust didn’t seem to be in the cards.Isaac was gearing up into go to thePeace Corps. Big Dave, Little Dave,and Ronnie had a gig playing in ablues band. Life was alright. Enterlife’s intangibles, mix in an invitationto play with Dillinger Four, doublecheck the chemistry’s all bubbling,and dang it, you’ve got thesecond coming of The Arrivals, aresurrection worth celebrating.Megan: You guys are fromChicago, right?All: Yes.Megan: So where the fuck are yousurfing? [laughter]Isaac: You can’t even swim inLake Michigan.Todd: Well how did the song “SurfRiot” come, then?Little Dave: It was one of the firstsongs that we wrote and we wantedto write a surfy sounding song.Then we came up with a riff, it wasactually Pat from the Matics, andme and him then – because DaveKaktis wasn’t in the band yet – juststarted writing the song and Isaacwrote the lyrics.Isaac: We were just joking around.Little Dave: “Hey guys, wouldn’tit be fun if we had a surf riot?”That’s seriously what the wholesong is about.Todd: How do you make yourmusic sound like your lyrics meansomething?Little Dave: I don’t know, because some ofthem don’t. Some of them do. We oftentimeswrite the songs first and then freestyle thelyrics until we have something. We’ll beplaying them live for months and monthswithout any lyrics, just mushmouthing them.Todd: Are the printed lyrics different fromthe actual lyrics that you play now?Little Dave: Sometimes. We hardly evenprinted the lyrics. If you can read them,bravo.

Todd: I had someone actually find them andtranscribe them for me.Isaac: That’s scary. Our lyrics actually meansomething now. On the new album there’llbe some content to the songs.Little Dave: Not that there’s none with theold stuff. I feel bad just writing it off.Todd: What do the Arrivals and Gary Sinisehave in common?Isaac: I met Gary Sinise’s brother once. Hetried to sell me a drill. I was out doing yardwork and he’s like, “Hey man, you wannabuy a drill?”Little Dave: I’m his third or fourthcousin. I’ve never met him or anything.Todd: You guys are from the samearea, correct?Little Dave: Yeah, we all grew up innorthwest Indiana or the south sideChicago.Todd: You guys are from BlueIsland?Little Dave: Yeah.Isaac: His brother is a hobo in BlueIsland. He’s a homeless guy whowalks around.Little Dave: That doesn’t make anymoney off Of Mice and Men.Megan: Enuff Znuff is from theretoo, right?Little Dave: Yup. Don’t ask.Todd: Do you cover Enuff Znuffyet?All: No.Megan: It’s interesting because TheShepherd Express said that you havea “…head pounding rhythm sectioninspired by ‘80s hair metal bands.”That was a positive review.Little Dave: Oh my god.Megan: Yup, a glowing review.Little Dave: We know our fairshare. I mean we definitely know thePoison catalog, between me and BigDave, in and out.Q: WHAT TOY DID YOUWANT BUT NEVER GOT?Todd: Taking into account that you’ve beencompared to everything from a “punkified,XTC” to the Stranglers, do you think in yourheart of hearts that you’re creating originalmusic?Little Dave: We don’t. Every song we dowe think we’re ripping off something. Wedon’t know what, but we know it’s something.We’re always paranoid that somebody’sgoing to think that we’re doing this.We try hard not to.Todd: What do you do to try not to?Little Dave: We’ll start a riff and then oneof us will be like, “This sounds like this orthat.” Then we’ll screw around with it until itdoesn’t sound like it anymore. And thenonce we bring it to Ronnie and Dave – well,I can’t say that, because it usually happens inthe same room at the same time. Then theyget the basis of it and they’re doing theskeleton of the riff with the bass lines andme and Isaac just go stupid on top of that.Ronnie: Usually, Dave and Isaac are usuallythe songwriters and then they’ll bring somethingto me and Dave and we’ll be like, “AllLITTLE DAVE:right.” That’s usually at practice. There’sprobably four or five different things I’ll tryto do on the drums. We’re all collaboratingon ideas; the same with the bass. We’re – meand Dave – this is once like every thirtysongs or something, we’ll actually say,“Let’s do this for a song.” And these two(Isaac and Little Dave) will be like, “Okay,let’s collaborate on it.” It just comes togetherwhen we play, you know? Especially whenthese guys write a song, it just kind of happens.It just comes out the way it does.Isaac: Even if we have an original idea,everybody who doesn’t know the originalidea, where that idea came from, everyonethrows in what they want to do with the songand that way it ends up coming out differentthan just ripping someone off.Little Dave: “Heavyweight” is a good exampleof that. That’s on the album, isn’t it?All: Mmmhhhhmmm.Little Dave: With “Heavyweight,” I wrotethe original riff, and it was just me and Isaacin my living room, and Isaac was like, “Ohyeah, I have a vocal idea.” And he startsgoing through it and I found out thathe was putting down beats in a completelydifferent spot and it justsounded cooler, and that’s how itended up.Todd: Are you the Dave Merrimanwho was in the Canadian band,Cousin Henry?Little Dave: No. There was a DaveMerriman in something else?Megan: What about Dave Merriman,physics major at the College ofWooster in Ohio?Little Dave: No.Megan: Well, are you at least theDave Merriman who was bound andgagged at a radio station?Little Dave: Yes.Megan: What was that all about?Little Dave: The Matics, ever sincethey started the band, there’s beenthese guys, the Invisibles that comearound. They always show up whenthe Matics aren’t around. Me and mygirlfriend were driving past the station.It’s a college station – SaintXavier on the South Side – it’s actuallyin Chicago. We were just drivingby and our friends had a show thereso I was like, “Hey honey, you wantto go to the station and just hang outand say hi to them?” We went inthere and were sitting in there fortwenty minutes and all of the suddenfive guys with masks came in withwater guns and duct tape and endedup taping us to chairs. They left mygirlfriend alone. That’s the reasonOH! THE OMNIBOT 2000. IT WAS THIS LITTLE PROGRAMMABLE RADIO CONTROLLED ROBOT THAT YOU COULDHAVE GET YOUR DRINKS FOR YOU AND SHIT.RONNIE: HOLY SHIT, DUDE! ROCK THE FUCK OUT!they didn’t get their asses kicked. Theythrew on a Matics CD and on the cover ofthe CD it says, “Consider this a warning.”And just left. That was it.Todd: Ronnie, you started drumming withThe Arrivals when you were about fifteen?Ronnie: Yeah, late fourteen, early fifteenyears-old.Todd: And you did the studio stuff for TheRepellents?Ronnie: That was when I was fifteen, too.Todd: So how is it that – how old are younow?Ronnie: Twenty-one.Todd: How is it in that span of 59

time, that you’ve only released two readilyavailable albums?Ronnie: I don’t feel a need to hurry up andput some shit out. I’d rather wait and havesomething that we’re satisfied with comeout. Within the past couple of years we’veall had different shit going on that maybetook our focus away from the band for a littlebit or drew our attention towards somethingelse. I have to say, I don’t care if analbum doesn’t come out for ten years. If it’sa good album, it’s a good album. If it’s a badalbum, it’s a bad album.Todd: Didn’t you put out Information fromCabal Headquarters?Ronnie: That was our first tape. That wassomething we did when I was fifteen. Wewent in…Little Dave: It was the same place theyrecorded The Repellents album, right?Ronnie: Yeah.Megan: Three songs off of that are also onGoodbye New World, right?Big Dave: Re-recorded versions of them,though.Isaac: I thought it was just two.Little Dave: “Surf Riot,” “Manifesto,”and…Megan: “Tornado.”Little Dave: Yeah, so three.Ronnie: That’s the only way I can answerthat.Little Dave: I can say severe writer’s block.Megan: Isaac, do you write most of thelyrics?Isaac: Yeah, I wrote the lyrics for probablyeight songs, maybe ten.Little Dave: Out of the fifteen?Isaac: Yeah.Megan: From everything I’ve heard, you’rehappily married, but so many of the songsare heartbreakers. Where does that comefrom?Isaac: I don’t know, I guess…Little Dave: Most of those songs were writtenbefore.Isaac: Yeah, they’re old songs. I had a roughtime before I was married.Big Dave: Wait ‘til our third album.Isaac: We still have a couple heartbreaksongs on this one, but they’re just residuefrom past relationships.Todd: Who is Amadou Diallo and why didyou give a song to a comp in his memory?Little Dave: Amadou Diallo is a guy whoBIG DAVEwas shot forty-one times by the New Yorkpolice. He was unarmed. They found himsuspect for something and shot him forty-onetimes when he was laying down after thefirst couple of shots, which were mortalwounds. We gave the song to the compbecause Isaac’s friend runs FailedExperiment. I wish we could sound moresocially conscious. I learned that when wegot the CD and I read it, to tell you the truth.Todd: Little Dave, have you ever met amore rocking guitarist who has braces, suchas yourself? Because I would have to say, inall my years, that you would have to be thenumber one guitarist in braces.Little Dave: You know what? No. I take thecrown. I got half of my grill back, though.Todd: I saw. Because I saw you last yearwhen you played with Toys That Kill andTiltwheel.Little Dave: I just got them off two weeksago. Lane from D4 said he would drop offthe tour if I still had braces. I thought itwould just be fun to come back like, “What’sup now, motherfucker?” Smile at him realbig.Todd: What’s the worst place you’ve hadvan trouble? Didn’t you miss South BySouthwest?Little Dave: No, we missed a New Yorkshow because we were in New Jersey andthe transmission fell out.Big Dave: Not if you count the van troublewe’re riding around in now, which is a minivan.Little Dave: Yeah, our transmission gotreally messed up and we ended up having torent a vehicle, which is why we’re riding in aminivan now.Big Dave: We junked our van in WhitePlains, New York in a junkyard.Little Dave: With a guy who hangs out atthe Coyote Ugly Bar. He’s like, [in a NewYork accent] “Oh yeah, you guys are playin’in New York City tomorrow night? Alright!I’m going to that Coyote Ugly Bar!” I forgotwhat it was called, like Hogs and Heffers orsomething. He’s like, “Yeah, I’m justdivorced, so I’m gonna try to meet someladies and blah blah blah. You guys are rockand roll? Oh, okay I’ll go and blah blahblah.”Todd: You’ve had your van broken into, isthat correct?All: Yeah.Todd: And the only things that were stolenwere your duffel bags…Little Dave: How do you know all of this?No, (Big) Dave’s first guitar he ever had wasstolen. It was this guitar that has this built-inspeaker. My leather jacket, which I had justgotten back that day from the leather guy – Ihad the sleeves redone – that was stolen.Isaac: I had a book bag.Little Dave: Isaac lost his book bag with allhis toiletries. And there was a TV and aPlaystation in there that they didn’t take.Todd: Weird.Little Dave: It was really weird.Todd: Where was that?Little Dave: That was in Detroit.Todd: Was it broken into? Did they breakthe locks?Little Dave: No, somebody forgot to lockthe door.Isaac: I wonder who that was?Little Dave: I haven’t the slightest.Megan: So how does it feel to be one of theonly bands of this era to say that they playedwith the “King”?Little Dave: What?Megan: You played with Jerry Lawler,right?Little Dave: Yeah, I thought you said theKinks. We were with the Bump ‘N Uglies.Both of us played with Jerry “the King”Lawler.Todd: How do you get to play with JerryLawler?Little Dave: They invited us up. They do arock and wrestling thing in Detroit once ayear.Todd: Is he an emcee?Little Dave: They hired him in as the guest.

They have their own independent wrestlingfederation.Big Dave: We have some pictures we shouldsend you.Little Dave: Pictures of his door. It says,“Mr. Lawler Only” and a star drawn on thepiece of paper and it’s like a closet.Big Dave: There’s a picture with him andthe door’s half open and you can see theroom. It’s too funny.Little Dave: It’s so fucking funny.Todd: How many chords do you think youcan get away with before confusing punkrockers? I can count more than three in therealready. How far are you willing to go?Ronnie: Can I say something real quick?Seriously.Big Dave: No, wait your turn.Ronnie: Alright, go ahead, dude.Little Dave: Until we sound like Rush.Ronnie: Let me explain something. Music ismusic, okay? Me? I don’t care how manyfucking chords. I don’t care how many fuckingdrum fills. I don’t care how many whateverlyrics you put in a song. Music is music,man. I don’t care if we put fucking ninechords in a song, dude. If it’s punk rock or ifit’s rock’n’roll, it’s rock’n’roll or punk rock.Big Dave: There is no ninth chord, dude.Ronnie: That’s what I have to say.Little Dave: I’m not sure if I know what theninth is.Ronnie: Who cares if there’s fuckin’ tenchords or three chords?Big Dave: A good breakdown is that Isaacdoes all of the power chords, the rhythmic –the riffing it – and he plays more on the topof a chord.Ronnie: Little Dave?Big Dave: No, more like phrasing. There’s alittle more going on than just a straight-upbarre chord. He does the hot licks. Isaac doesthe hot riffs and he (Ronnie) does the hotlicks.Ronnie: I’m just talking out of my mouthright now.Little Dave: This is Ronnie DiLicks.Ronnie: There is so much music that I gohome and listen to. I enjoy everything. I gohome and I fuckin’ pop on Wu Tang. I mean,music is music. If there’s something that youenjoy, that’s what I think punk rock is allabout. If there’s something you enjoy, Idon’t give a fuck what anyone says, go fuckinglisten to what you want to listen to.Enjoy yourself.Todd: I listen to a lot of Otis Redding andJohnny Cash, too.Big Dave: Otis is my man!Little Dave: We’re not influenced by punkrock much, to tell you the truth. I don’t evenknow how we end up sounding the way thatwe do. I think it’s just that we all have a deepwill to rock as hard as we can and we’re stillyoung, so it’s still going as fast as we can doit. I was just talking to Todd (Toys That Kill)over there and he was like, “Hey, do youknow this band or this band?” I’m clueless.You can’t talk to me about what band’s onwhat label because most of ‘em I hate. Ihated Dillinger Four the first couple of timesI listened to Midwestern Songs because I wasputting every band guilty until proven innocent.It took me a while to figure out thatthey’re doing something that I really enjoy. Ijust poo poo everything. I don’t mean tosound snobby – I mean we’re in the punkpantheon, or whatever – but we’re clueless.That may be why we use more than threechords. We’re not really influenced by that.Ronnie: I like the Ramones. Then again, Ilike Metallica, too.Little Dave: And they have movements.They have opuses. The old shit, anyway.Ronnie: I mean I like the Wu Tang Clan, butthen I’ll rock out to the Pixies, too.Big Dave: I’m more of a rocker. I like LedZeppelin and AC/DC. I like the blues,too. We all listen to everything. We all bringwhatever it is and… if it rocks, it rocks.Little Dave: It just kind of happens that waywhen we’re writing a song and when we’replaying. There’s so many different ways oflooking at it. We don’t have a unified wayof, “Oh, we’re trying to do this.”Todd: [big, important guy voice] “The 1977thing. I really like the Vibrators’ sound.We’re trying to go with that.”Big Dave: Plug it in. Turn it up.Todd: The only reason I interview bandsever is because I really like them. I mean, Ionly saw you guys play once and I got theCD. It’s seriously been in rotation for abouteight months.Little Dave: We’ve got some new shit.Todd: Everybody has to answer this one.How many times in a regular day do youcheck your clock?Little Dave: I… don’t… know.Big Dave: Anytime you use your phone. Imean, we have our cell phones, so everytime you pick it up, you look. We look a lotmore in the last twelve days because of thetime change.Little Dave: We think we’re gonna be latefor every show.Ronnie: When we’re home – every morningas soon as I get up, I look at my clock, then agood five or six times a day I check whattime it is.Todd: What are your day jobs?Little Dave: I work at a sign shop makingcut vinyl details.Ronnie: I discover the best ways to have sexin my room. That’s my day job.Big Dave: I have one little part time job, butI really have to find one when I get home.Little Dave: They actually just quit theirjobs right before we left.Ronnie: Our fuckin’ shitty bosses… me andBig Dave were playing in a blues band downthe street from where we work and our bossgave me some shit and took me off fromwork and I said, “Hey man, do I work foryou any more or not?” and he’s like, “Well, Idon’t know. You played for the bar I was incompetition with for twenty years.” I waslike, “You’re a fucking child, dude.”Little Dave: To give a back story on that –Dave, Ronnie, and I have a blues band, too.We play the Blue Island bars and we playedthe bar right down the block.Big Dave: It’s a way to get extra cash and away to have fun.Little Dave: We pretty much tried to turnthis place into a pretty rock’n’roll punk bar.They had Toys That Kill and Dillinger Fourin the jukebox.Ronnie: Naked Raygun, Pegboy. We justwent in there and there were a bunch of localpeople who liked to drink after work. WeRONNIE: I DON’T CARE IF WE PUT FUCKING NINE CHORDS IN A SONG, DUDE. IF IT’S PUNK ROCK OR IFIT’S ROCK’N’ROLL, IT’S ROCK’N’ROLL OR PUNK ROCK.BIG DAVE: THERE IS NO NINTH CHORD, DUDE.started to work there and bring ayounger crowd in. We figured that, fuckdude, now the jukebox is nothing but thePixies, Naked Raygun, D4, us, the Matics.It’s bringing in that younger crowd. That’sall over with, though, because the guy waspretty much a dickhead about us playingdown the street, so we ended up quitting ourjob before we left. It’s no big deal. Isaacdoes something with carpentry.The Daves: Gardening.Ronnie: That was his hobby, I thought.Big Dave: It’s his job, too.Megan: Did you say gardening?Little Dave: No joke.Megan: Along those lines, there’s a lot ofhorticultural references in your songs: “Laysod where devils play” and “don’t fallow mybrain.”Little Dave: That’s Isaac.Megan: He’s a green thumb?Little Dave: To the bone.Megan: How many times has someone triedto get all witty with you guys and ask, “Haveyou arrived yet?”Little Dave: Fuckin’, seriously, almostevery place we go.Todd: Two of you went to college, is thatcorrect?Little Dave: Isaac and I did. Well, Davewent to Columbia for a little bit.Big Dave: I went to community college afterhigh school and then took a break and wentto Columbia in Chicago for a year.Ronnie: I went to Moraine Valley for liketwo weeks.Little Dave: That’s the community collegeon the South Siiiiide.Big Dave: I discovered that when you reallywant to get serious about it, 61

ecause when you take out those loans – no,don’t fuck around until you really knowwhat you want to do. I realized that I didn’treally want to do that. Someday. I don’tknow. Maybe, maybe not, though.Todd: What’s the last song you caughtyourself singing in the shower?Little Dave: “Unchained Melody” from theRighteous Brothers.Ronnie: “I Got My Mojo Working” byMuddy Waters, or I just freestyle.Big Dave: How does that go?Ronnie, Little Dave and Megan: [singingand guitar sounds] “I got my mojo working,but it just don’t work on you.”Big Dave: I don’t know. I don’t reallysing too much in the shower.Todd: What band bummed you outthe most when you heard them do thesoundtrack for a commercial? Forinstance, I got really bummed out whenI heard the Buzzcocks do Toyota.Little Dave: The Iggy Pop one, he had acouple. “Passenger” was on one and “Lustfor Life” was on another. “Search andDestroy” was on one, too.Todd: I mean you know it’s going to happen,but it still bums you out.Little Dave: The fact that Moby put awhole album out as commercials.Todd: Really?Little Dave: His Play album, he licensedevery single song to a commercial.Todd: I didn’t know that.Big Dave: He needed to pay the rent.Todd: I guess the Vatican Commandosgig wasn’t working out.Little Dave: He’s a fuckin’ vegan. Thefood’s expensive.Todd: What was the one toy that youwanted so much as a kid but never got?Little Dave: Oh! The Omnibot 2000. Itwas this little programmable radio controlledrobot that you could have get yourdrinks for you and shit.Ronnie: Holy shit, dude! Rock the fuckout!Little Dave: I wanted it so bad. It was like$150 and my mom wouldn’t get it for mefor Christmas. I begged her and begged her.I went to my friend in Little League’s houseand he had it! I was jealous as fuck.Todd: Did it really get the soda?Little Dave: Well it wouldn’t get it for you,it would just go there and grab it and hadlit-up eyes, but that was enough – to send itinto the kitchen and have your mom put aKool-Aid on it and bring it back to youwhile you’re watching cartoons. I reallywanted it.Ronnie: For a while between four and five,I had a little jacket. It was red and it lookedjust like Michael Jackson’s from Thriller.After it didn’t fit me anymore I wantedanother one so fucking bad and my parentswouldn’t get it for me.Big Dave: My big two – again being thebig, chubby guy – I always wanted one ofthose battery operated Powerwheels, thoselittle cars. I never got one. I had a CHiPsmotorcycle, but you had to pedal it.Everyone else had the cars, but I couldn’thave that. Another one – I always wanted aremote controlled airplane. That would’vebeen tight, but it didn’t happen.Todd: What movie do you find yourselfquoting the most?Little Dave: It’s a mixture between BlazingRONNIESaddles, Brain Candy, and Safe Men.Todd: What was the last one?Little Dave: Safe Men. “Sweet ‘stache,man.” [high pitched voice] “Thanks, bro.”Ronnie: I’d say Blazing Saddles and FourRooms.Big Dave: For a time it was Pulp Fiction,but one movie I always like to quote is thatone with Martin Lawrence and DavidChappelle where he becomes a cop, butthey’re jewel thieves. David Chappelle’sline goes like this: he makes like he knowskung-fu [kung-fu noises], “I’m gonna ripyour lips off and kiss my ass with themshits.”Little Dave: And because Dave says it somuch, I use “them shits” like, “Them shitsis the shits.”Big Dave: Put a little topical spicing onshit.Ronnie: Mine from Four Rooms is, “Weain’t got no needles here, kid. Just a bigfucking gun.”Little Dave: Oooh and Airplane! He’s beenwalking into the D4 trailer and going…Ronnie: “I just want to tell you four goodluck. We’re all counting on you.”Little Dave: And then he’ll leave and comeback five minutes later and…Ronnie: “I just want to tell you four goodluck.”Megan: It’s called Fuck, Marry, Kill. Youhave to put one of the following into eachcategory.Little Dave: Is this one of those psychologicalevaluations?Big Dave: Marry as in getting married?Megan: Yeah. You’re working with DaveyRONNIE: I DISCOVER THE BEST WAYS TO HAVE SEX IN MY ROOM. THAT’S MY DAY JOB.Tiltwheel, Paddy from D4, and Larry fromPegboy.Little Dave: Paddy would be in the Fucksection.Megan: No hesitation at all there!Little Dave: Larry, would be in the Marrysection, because he’s just getting old. Idon’t even know if he’s married, but healways complains about how old he is, sohe’s domesticated. Davey Tiltwheel, I think,would be in the Fuck section, too. The firstthing he ever said to me, the first time I evertalked to this dude, he comes up to me andgoes, “E-Funk played me your record, dude.That shit’s better than good pussy.” That’smy lasting impression, so he’s in the Fuckcategory.Megan: But you have to put someone inKill.Little Dave: Kill somebody?Megan: One of them has to die.Little Dave: Larry, ‘cause he’s theoldest.63

THE TWO FACES OFThe first time I saw the Skulls, Iexpected to get that embarrassedfeeling you get when you see yourmom trying to dance like BrittanySpears. Let’s admit it, there’s not manybands that could fall into obscurity fortwenty years, come back and not seemlike some mid-life punk rocker’s equivalentof buying a Porsche in a vainattempt to relive their youth. This isn’tthe case with The Skulls. Not onlybecause Billy Bones hops around like asixteen-year-old in heat but also becausethe notably younger guitar player, TheKidd, matches his enthusiasm. Therhythm section, Sean Antillon on drumsand James “Hardslug” Harding on bass,is the picture of cool composure,although James is known to change fromwig-to-wig between songs.Billy Bones is the only remainingmember of the original Skulls thatplayed regularly at the Masque and is agood example that not all punk rockersend up growing up and become losers.James paid his dues with The Adicts inthe ‘80s. Both remember how fucked upand great it was to be young while keepingin perspective that they’re not eighteenanymore. They’ve held true to theirideals and aspirations for the future ofpunk rock without seeming nauseatinglyclichéd and incoherent. If you’ve everbeen to a Skulls show, you’ve seen theKidd popping around like a firecrackerwhile still playing the right chords. SeanAntillon now takes the mic on a verse of“Building Models” and doesn’t miss abeat. It’s definitely fucking strange thatthese four guys from completely differentgenerations of punk rock would meet, hitit off so well, and put out music withgreat energy on record, let alone live.We sat in the back of Sean’s pick-uptruck and right away I got the impressionthat they were pretty content andput together as individuals. Don’t expect64 some ancient mythology orIntroduction by Petite Paquet.Interview by Petite Paquet and Todd.Designated Dale provided guidance.elder bashing from this interview. TheSkulls are more than just holding on toold memories. They put back into perspectivethat punk rock was for goodtimes and facing facts. They tell us thatjust ‘cause you’re over thirty it doesn’tmean you have to literally stay stuck inyour youth and just ‘cause you’re youngit doesn’t mean you could never relate toanyone over thirty.The Skulls began in 1977 when Mick“Sten Gun” Wallace asked his goodfriend William Fortuna to join the Skullsas the singer. They practiced in a grimybasement in Hollywood: Marc Morbidon guitar; Billy Bones on vocals; ChasGray on bass; and Mick on drums. Thatbasement would come to be a landmarkof late ‘70s punk rock. The Masque premieredsuch bands as the Weirdos, theGerms, the Screamers, X, theControllers, the Dickies, and the FleshEaters, just to name a few. The Masquemade it to the terrible twos and selfdestructed.The Skulls showed their loyaltyalong with other Masque bands andplayed both nights of the “Save theMasque” benefit. The Skulls were one ofthe first bands to venture into the abyssthat was Orange County. They even hadthe balls to do a spoof on surfing, tryingto break an unbreakable surfboard, atthe time when there was a growing rivalrybetween the punks and surfers. Afterplaying twice in O.C. and returning tothe city unharmed, they had an unlucky

Sean: I just want punk to go down inhistory as a viable form of rock’n’roll.attempt at recording for What? Records.The recordings the Skulls did were“lost.” Mick was the first to leave theband and then others followed when itstarted to fall apart.In 1993, the Skulls resurfaced withMarc, Bruce Moreland and KK Barrett.They recorded songs but had a crap-festwith getting the recording out. The mastersof those recordings were also lost.Later, Billy, Marc and the Wall ofVoodoo drum machine would do a set atan acoustic political gig. Sean Antillonlent his services when the drum machinewent ape shit. Things went back andforth and back and forth from then on.Although the Skulls had more line upsthan Menudo they never lost the essencethat set them flying back into action. It’sgood to know that the energy and thrustthat was there in ‘77 is still alive and thatthe punk rock gene is passed from generationto generation. It all just goes toshow that punk rock in the L.A. area inthe late ‘70s was bona fide in the way thatit gave a lot of people memories and thelisteners of later an earful of what lifewas like in that time.Marc Morbid and Mick “Sten Gun”Wallace have since died. I’d like toremember that without them therewouldn’t be as much history as there isand the Skulls wouldn’t be alive for us tosee today.FACE ONE:THE SERIOUSSIDEJames “Hardslug”Harding – bassSean Antillon – drummerwhore extraordinaireKevin “The Kidd”Preston – teen sensation,guitarBilly Bones – frontman, nut casePetite: [to The Kidd]You wear shades atnight!Kidd: The sun neversets when you’re cool.All: Ohh, watch out!Sean: Sunglasses afterdark?James: Did you getthat off the internet?Kidd: I don’t knowwhere I got that from.James: It was a joke,you know?Kidd: Oh, fuck you!Petite: How significantdo you think thepast is to what you’redoing now? This is forall of you even thoughyou weren’t all there in the late ‘70s.James: Well, for me the only significancereally is that the type of music that was generatedin the past was an age when musicreally mattered, you know? Because thatwas the channel to get your angst out and allthat. It just happened to be this style ofmusic. Just as my dad still listens to JohnnyCash and Marty Robins, I continue to listento the style of music from when I was ateenager. The significance isn’t necessarilythe message so much as the energy of thestyle of music that people coin as punkrock. You can call it whatever you like butthat style is what’s important to me andthat’s what I’ve been able to play with theseguys.Sean: If you’re asking what’s it like beingin The Skulls now as opposed to then, thenit just seemed like an idea that got across itspoint and did what it needed to do. Now, thename from the past helps us because there’speople that are interested, have heard theold songs, and come to see us now just tosee if we’ll do those songs. But it’s a differententity now. It’s really cool. It’s got thesame feel. We’re turning out the samemusic, I hope. It feels like it to me althoughwe’re all influenced by different things anddifferent generations of punk. I hope itbrings some of that originality from thebeginning.Bones: I can see this band at the Masque.When we do shows a lot of times, I flashback to the days of the Masque and I couldsee us four just fitting right in. I’ll standback and just go, “Wow.”Petite: This is for James and Billy. Do youfind that you have had to deal with anyghosts? Was it hard or cathartic?James: Are you talking about groupies?Bones: As far as for me, ghosts, you meanlike from my past? The only ghosts I dealwith are Marc and Mick (Sten Gunn) and Italk to them all the time. We do “I Walk theLine” and I introduce it as it being Marc’ssong. He wrote it. I feel his presence there.The same with Mick when we do “BuildingModels.” Mick wrote “Building Models”when he was the singer of the Skulls beforeI joined the band. He was the first guy I metwhen I came to California. Two years laterhe came up to me and asked me if I wantedto sing in a band. We had always talkedabout starting a band and he already had itgoing. That’s it for me, I think about themall the time. Mick was the best man at mywedding and Marc was my best friend andit’s hard because they’re both gone.James: That’s kind of a difficult questionfor me because in relation to the band, Iwasn’t here. I was in England. I did a fewyears with the Adicts in the eighties and Igot to experience the excitement of touringand playing shows. It’s kinda weird for menow ‘cause I’m getting on a bit and I did allthat when I was in my early twenties andthe ghost part of it for me was there was afew things I wasn’t keen on with the wholemusic scene.Bones: I’m confused. I think what she’sasking is what skeletons do you have inyour closet?Petite: Well, yeah. Sometimes I’ll listen toa band that I listened to when I was fourteenand it’ll bring back certain good or bad feelings.James: Oh, okay I got you. I was going togo off to the audience problem. That’s thething that scares the shit out of me; thatsomewhere from left field we’ll get a wholebunch of idiots that latch on to us, peoplewith questionable politics. That was a bigproblem for me. With the Adicts, rottenpeople would adhere to the band and wewere like, “Oh no. This is terrible,” and itscared the shit out of me. The kind of musicwe’re playing – what it does for me isremind me of that youthful exuberance. Idon’t wanna sound corny but it makes yournuts tingle. The skeletons in my closet havea big fucking smile on their face, just likeour logo. That logo sums it up for me.Sean: Sometimes I feel – especially whenwe first started, and I heard Kevin – I wasn’teven looking at Kevin, ‘cause I tend tobe off in my own world – I thought we wereplaying with Marc. I could feel him sometimes.Because Billy, Marc and I did theSkulls in ‘93 and I did get a chance to knowand play with Marc. It seemed like it wasMarc then I’d look over and Kevin wouldbe grinning at me. That seems to be an everpresentghost.65

James: Well, all that and the fact that wewere all gay at one point.Sean: We’re not gonna bring that up.Petite: Now that you’re older…Bones: Ew! Older is not a good thing withus.Petite: Mature? Now that you’re wiser?You fucked me up. Now I don’t know howI should word that. Hey, I’m older now –older than I was.Bones: Yeah, I don’t look at it that way. I’llalways be a kid at heart, that’s why whenI’m on stage I’m having a blast. Inever think about age. I think ifyou do think about age, you’regonna die young.Sean: What was the question,though?Petite: Oh, yeah. Is the way thatyou see music and how it correspondsto life different than it waswhen you where younger?Bones: Oh, oh! I’ll answer thatone.Sean: Oh, teacher, pick me!James: No, me, me, me!Bones: Ha, ha. As for me, I liketrue to life stuff. I’m always tryingto put out a message. If you listento “Victims,” it was about serialkillers, particularly the HillsideStrangler. I’m always looking forsomething real ‘cause I hatewhat’s going on in society. Ialways have. It was fucked upthen and it’s fucked up now.Sean: It’s always been a feel andan attitude thing for me. If I hear agood song – it doesn’t necessarilyhave to be punk but it just makesme go “wow!” and the hair on theback of my head stands up – thefeeling’s still the same. I couldhear a song from when I was a kidand spin the record today and go,“Man, this band is great.”Bones: And I’ve always – oh I’msorry Sean, go ahead.Sean: No, it’s cool.Bones: No, no. I know better thanto interrupt you.Sean: I hope I interpret songs thesame way because it keeps meyoung mentally and emotionally.Bones: Now I forgot what I wasgonna say. Go ahead, Kidd.Kidd: When I was younger, I waslistening to Another Bad Creation. So, Idon’t even think you can find those tapesanymore.Sean: Who’s that?Kidd: Like an old rap group. They werelike six years old.Petite: You know, Bel Biv Devoe? Richieand I know what you’re talking about.James: I have a problem with words. Youcan play me a record I haven’t heard fortwenty years and the first time around I’llknow where every note’s gonna go, everychord change, and every beat. But if youask me to sing the fucking words, I wouldn’tknow what the hell’s going on. We’vebeen playing these songs in the Skulls fortwo years and we decided to start swappingthe verses on “Building Models.” Billysticks the mic in my mouth and I just didn’tknow the words. Some people latch on towords but for me it’s the chords and beats.The lyrics don’t really figure into the emotionpart for me.Bones: Mind you, I’m not real easy tounderstand when I’m singing anyway. Infact, half the time when I forget the lyricsBones: When we do shows a lot of times,I flash back to the days of the Masque.‘cause I’ve had a couple drinks or whateverI just kind of bark out a bunch of noise thatgoes with the flow of the song. And it’sfunny to watch people sing along and seethat they know the lyrics better than I do.I’ve always appreciated music as a wholebut I notice a lot of musicians pick at othermusicians. I think it’s important to justappreciate and enjoy it as a whole. If itmoves me, I like it.Petite: So what you’re saying is that, foryou, the thing that’s really important is notso much the words but the energy?Bones: Yeah and that’s what we’re allabout: the energy. People will come up to usand say “great show” and we’ll say “yeah”‘cause we had a blast.James: And maybe there’s a simple reasonfor that. That is that we’re all lucky enoughto be musicians. Sometimes singers in aband aren’t musicians, they’re vocalists, butthey don’t know how to play an instrument.We all know how to play at least one if notmore instruments, therefore, as a musician,one would expect that musician to be ableto focus in on the musical aspect of stuff.We can use the energy andfeeling instead of using thelyrics as a foundation.Petite: Why do you thinkyou’ve been able to reformwithout seeming stale orpathetic? Or does it feel likeit’s a completely differentband?Bones: Well, it definitely is acompletely new band. We hadsomething to start with and wehad a feel of music that weliked from that period andwe’ve been able to play thatwithout trying incredibly hard.We didn’t start out and say,“Oh, we gotta sound ‘77.” Itwasn’t that at all. It was theenergy and the camaraderiethat we have and it justclicked.James: It’s important to addthat we’re playing new material.The new album that’s comingout contains the old stuffthat was our push off to thisnew band. We’ve already gotsix new songs written for thenext album. This album that’scoming out, Therapy for theShy, if you review the musicianship,the collective productand how the songs are executedyou’ll see that todaythose old songs are almostcompletely different songs.Bones: You know what’sfunny, too, is that we rise tothe occasion. When we havean audience, we step it up.Kidd: I think it has a lot to dowith us being sober. I don’tthink back then it was thesame way.Bones: It’s kinda cool that they don’t drink.You know? We get drink tickets and I getthem all.Sean: I grew up in a real shitty part of L.A.and I was drinking and on drugs at a youngage and hanging around with gangs. Istopped ten years ago. I think part of thereason this band is able to continue thename today is ‘cause, number one, it’s acool name. I couldn’t ask for a better bandname. The lineup has changed and whenyou get new members into any band andyou’re able to let your new member bringtheir musicianship and spirit to the band, it

Kidd: When I was younger, I was listening toAnother Bad Creation.changes a little bit. Then you write a newsong and you play an old song, it becomes anew thing. That has a lot to do with continuingthe Skulls from then to now.Petite: What’s been the most difficult thingabout starting the band again? Was thereanything you were worried about or did younot give a shit?Bones: There you go. There were no concerns.We like what we’re doing and if peoplelike it, it makes it more worthwhile. Wedidn’t go out and do this to get a record dealor to even have people like us. We gottogether and we liked what we did and wesaid, “Let’s do it.” We like playing musicand we like playing together. These guysare like my brothers.Kidd: It wasn’t even really supposed to bea band again. It was only supposed to be forthree shows.Sean: When we decided to do this – see,I’ve been involved in so many bands andprojects and I’ve gotten to know musicians.I invested a little time and after two weeksof playing with these guys, I could tell wehad something good. Any concern that Imight have had was gone. I thought thesewere good guys to be in a band with.Everyone’s really open-minded and everyonecan execute their position in the bandwell; well enough to where we don’t haveto add a rhythm guitar player and no onehas to compensate for anyone. So I figuredthat out and knew there was nothing toworry about. I said, “Let’s write a new tuneand see how it goes from there.”James: My mom taught me something thatwas very important. She was an artist, apainter back in England. She used to put herpaintings up in pubs and stuff to sell andsome of them wouldn’t sell. Then she startedpainting pictures of all these fluffy catsand they fucking flew off the walls. She wasmaking quite a bit of money off them. Thenone day she stopped and went back to paintingoak trees or whatever it was she wanted.I asked her why she didn’t just do some ofthose cats. She sold a lot of those. She toldme, “You know what? I don’t care if I sellthem. You should create something becauseyou wanna create it and it brings you enjoyment.If someone else can get enjoymentout of it, then that’s great. Just don’t compromisewhat you do for the sake of someoneelse.” I never forgot that because itapplies perfectly to music. We did this forour own outlet. It was something fun for usthen it boomed into what it is now. We’rewriting tunes we like and if we don’t all likethem we don’t play them.Bones: Yeah, we’ve shot some songs.James: Yeah, we’ve even set fire to some.Petite: This one’s for the Kidd. Yeah, you.Are you done chewing your banana? Hasyour view of the scene changed sinceyou’ve been playing with the Skulls?Kidd: Well, I think I got into the Skulls at areally good time for music. A lot of oldbands got back together. It seemed rightwhen I joined the Skulls. When we startedplaying again, I was glad to be part of ascene that was and still is great, instead ofbeing in some band that never even gets toput out a record. It’s cool to hang out withpeople who are older than me and it’s coolgoing to shows and seeing the old guybands and still hanging out with people myage. I think people have gotten a lot morerespectful ‘cause it’s notjust a youthful thing anymore.I mean, it is, butphysically some of theseguys aren’t that young.Bones: This kid knew moreabout what happened in ‘77than I did. I was blownaway when I first met him.When he wanted me to playwith him I thought, “God,I’m old enough to be yourfather.” He kept persistingthat we do something and itwas the best decision I’veever made. I hadn’t seenSean in years and we wereat this Controllers gig at theBig Toe Lodge or whateverthe hell it’s called.Sean: Bigfoot Lodge. TheControllers and The Dogs.Bones: I took the Kidd withme and Mad Dog Carlasnuck him in. Brendan(Mullen, the proprietor ofthe Masque) happened to bespinning “Victims,” the onethat was done with Sean,Marc, and myself. The Kiddsays to me, “That was atight rhythm section.” Andjust as he said that, Sean walked in. Just likethat. Then Kidd says, “Hey, let’s do asong!” I asked Sean if he felt like doing asong and he said, “Fuck yeah.” We did onesong and I’m not gonna say that we turnedthe place upside down but the level of intensitywent up.James: I wasn’t even part of the picture yet.Billy and I were doing something totallyaside form that. He called me up ‘cause,unfortunately, Keith Miller, who’s an awesomebassist, had to pull out and Billy askedme if I knew anyone that could play bass. Isaid no but that I’d get one and see him in aweek. I just went and bought one andlearned it and that was that.Bones: Yeah ‘cause after that Bigfoot thingsome people asked us to play a couplereunion shows. Well, “I guess,” I said.“Reunion?” There was no one to reunitewith. We said yeah and we got Slug whenKeith dropped out.Sean: Yeah, but the scene’s different forhim now – to finish answering his question.James: Yeah. He even went and threwsome bananas away while we were answeringthe question for him.Petite: From each of you I’d like to knowwhat you think of music nowadays.Kidd: It’s all rock’n’roll to me.James: I’m not gonna sit here and rag onany particular bands. Let’s say there’s aband that people think are really cheesy and“sold out.” How are we to know the membersof that band aren’t getting the samefeeling from playing that we are?Bones: Punk rock is here to stay and it ain’tever gonna go anywhere.67

There’ll always be another young kid thatlikes what it does to him and is gonna runwith it.Sean: There’s so many little types of punkrock. There’s pop punk, hardcore, ‘77, thelist goes on. I had a friend that went toschool/prison in the early ‘90s. When hecame out, he said to me, “Hey man. What isthis? They’re playing punk rock on theradio.” I didn’t know what to say because Ihadn’t even noticed. So it’s not so localizednow. There’s bands that people would tendto call punk rock that back in the daywouldn’t be called that. Like The RealKids. I would call them rock’n’roll but Istill keep them between my Rotters recordand what ever comes next in the “R” sectionin my collection. So, to me, it is allrock’n’roll. The state of punk rock to me,it’s cool. I mean I go to 7-11 and there’skids in high school dressing the way I didbut they’re listening to Marilyn Manson.And I don’t think they’re calling that punkrock, but to most parents they just lump ittogether. I’m cool with it being bigger thanit was.James: I went to the Inland Invasion and Ithink that pretty much summed it up. Thereyou are, you’ve got 40,000 people from ageeight to fifty-eight and they’re all there subscribingto the thing. It just goes back to thefeeling and the energy you get from themusic. Personally, I thought some of thosebands were shit but they were only shit tome. It was a perfect example of how youcould have all these “punk rock’ bandsunder one roof and still have so many differenttastes in one genre.Sean: When I was growing up ,walkingaround high school, and being punk rockI’d hear people going, “Hey, look, there’sthat guy.” I would tell people that they’dlike these bands one day. “SocialDistortion, one day you’ll like them,” I’dtell them. I think I secretly wanted it to bebigger and accepted. I am a bit of a puristand I do have a very scaled down recordcollection. I just want it to go down in historyas a viable form of rock’n’roll.Petite: You don’t see it weird? I find it disturbingthat some of these kids who are intoit aren’t getting the feeling and energythat’s intended.James: I challenge anybody, anybody inSouthern California to present me witha penis that is smaller than mine...Bones: Thosebands that put outbad messages androuse kids todestroy stuff arestupid and itshouldn’t be thatway. It’s an attitude.It’s revvedup.James: That’s theproblem with people.They associatepunk rock withaggression andviolence andthat’s only part ofit – the negativepart of it. If you’relucky enough tobe on a stage performing,doingsomething youenjoy, you have aresponsibility. Ifthose kids are likingyou, they’rerespecting you.The least you cando is offer thesame respectback. If you’vegot that power toshake them upthen you need toshow them how tofocus that energyon more positivethings. These kidsthat just end upcracking eachother over thehead and knifingeach other need a fucking wake up call.I’ve got kids of my own now and I don’twanna be talking about knifing and fuckingpeople up, busting caps in their ass and allthis bullshit – without being corny but stillputting out some positive messages. And alot of kids today, through the fault of thegovernment and the piss poor education ofthe past two decades, really need guidance.Some of them know they need it and arealmost begging for it and others don’tknow. If we can get twenty people over thecourse of our lives to change for the better,even if it’s just to be turned on to music,then that’s a cool thing. It’s better than gettinga kid to set fire to a building.Bones: Well, you know a lot of our lyricsare dark and have angst to them. But, again,we lay it all out on the stage. We go outthere and hang out with the kids and talk tothem so they get to know us. I think that’svery important. There’s a lot of bands thatshun their responsibility, but you’re dealingwith young minds and you have to have acertain level of responsibility.James: A lot of those bands that put outbad messages, they’re the first to get thefuck off that stage. Everyone’s out thereand the band’s gone and there’s no connection.They go out there and shit on theirminds then take off.Petite: Not before they scoop up all the littlefourteen-year-old girls, though. What doyou think, Kidd?Kidd: You can go back and forth in somany ways. I agree but people are gonnaget off the way they get off. They just letthe listeners interpret it the way they want.You can’t always hold the artist responsible.It’s really tough. We’re not to say thatthe other bands aren’t doing it in jest andjust ‘cause they wanna fuck off after theshow and drink that’s just their thing. Ourthing is staying and talking to the peopleand the other bands. And some people justcan’t face their own audience. We sing“Kill Me Kill Me Kill,” which is about aguy who wants to do himself in, but it’s injest and hopefully people see how stupidthe idea of committing suicide is.Sean: It’s a personal stand. I get differentmessages from different music and differentsongs. Then years later I’ll spin a recordI’ve played a million times and it’ll hit me atotally different way. Then I try to rememberhow it made me feel before.Bones: You know what really pisses meoff? The people that are just there just assholesand go as far as to fuck with littlegirls who just wanna stand up front andhave fun. These jerks will grab them by thehair and drag them into the pit and slug‘em. And that’s just fucked up. Let me tellyou, back in the day when this first startedthere was a lot of times when I whackedpeople in the head with the fucking micstand. Nothing would stop me from doingthat to someone who was being an assholebut it’s a little different now. I have adaughter. I’m a little more responsible.

FACE TWO:THE ASS-JOKES-SIDEAnd we knew there was a fucked up side ofthe Skulls, so Dale and I went back andtalked to them about it. –ToddTodd: Billy, it’s been said several timesthat The Masque, the physical location ofthe old punk rock venue in Hollywood, hada vibe to it. Some even compare it to a burialground, even to current day. Can youtestify to that?James: Testicle?Bones: It definitely had a vibe to it. TheMasque was a cool place to be. It was agood group of about five hundred plus peopleand it was a nice place to hang out, anice place to get fucked up and a nice placeto be yourself without anyone saying afuckin’ thing to you. Cutting loose.James: Well, Sean, he has a mask and headds a vibrator to it sometimes. It’s a yogurtmask. There’s a vibe with that mask, isn’tthere, kinda?Sean: Yeah. I’ll also grow a caterpillar forthat week for a little extra vibe.Kidd: When we play now – I’m gonna gethippie – but I can feel a soul and it gets reallybright. Just knowing that this music’sbeen played for twenty years, it feels rightthat it can still happen.Todd: So, to clarify, James, you were amime? Is that correct?James: That’s right. I was a mime, butunfortunately, I lost my voice so I had tolook for something else to do.Todd: Like put a keyboard in front of you?James: I did that, badly, for a few years andthen I discovered that if you strap fourpieces of thin metal to a log, it makes a kindof deep, twangy sound and we decided thatmight be a good fit to match up with thedrums and the guitar in the Skulls.Sean: That’s an invention of ours.Bones: Doesn’t losing your voice make forgood miming? I thought that’s the wholepoint.James: That’s why I quit. I was an Irishmime. [laughs]Todd: Sean, a technical question. Dale,who you know is a drummer also, says thatyou have a special drumming technique.Sean: Huh?James: It’s called staying awake.Todd: The Dolphin Pussy Slap. What’sthat?Sean: Good man. You take a girthy womanand you shave her pussy and you grease itall up. Get her laying like the whole chickensthat you see in the frozen meat sectionat the supermarket – and it does look like achicken. [Makes a hand slapping motion.]Pow, and it kind of makes a sound like [putsfinger in mouth, closes his lips, and makes apopping sound when the finger’s pulledout]. Overhand or underhand works fine. Ido prefer the underhanded version, andthat’s playing a drum, boy, let me tell you.Watch out.James: Are we talking about vaginas?Kidd: Want to hear the best terminology forvagina I’ve heard today? Va-J.J.Sean: Here’s a good one…Bones: I’m always looking for something real ‘causeI hate what’s going on in society. I always have. Itwas fucked up then and it’s fucked up now.James: Snatch box.Sean: No, no, gayshesh or gishash.James: John Wayne’s saddle bags.Sean: The purple jaws of Grimace. That’swhen you get a darker female. Purple, likeboiled meat.James: I’ve heard it referred to before as acar crash.Kidd: I don’t know about that.Todd: Billy, was sex better in the ‘70s?They just read like a more carefree sex time.Bones: Sex is really good right now, actually.I guess it gets better with age.Sean: Billy Bones is a pig like me andJames, ooh, and the Kidd.Todd: Define pigness.James: He makes women defecate in thedressing room while he sits under a glasstable.Sean: We all love larger women. I’m a “Vman” myself.Todd: Vagina?Sean: Voluptuous Magazine. Giving props.Kidd: 36” 28” 36”Sean: No, no, no.Kidd: Those are the measurements.James: Of what, your penis?Sean: Give me a 38” waist. I’m in heaven.[makes mmmmm sound.]James: I just like huge ass cheeks. You canpeel them apart, look at the fucking chocolatestarfish, and have a little bit of chimneystack action.Sean: Me and James once greased up withCrisco some butt cheeks… that was fun.James: Munched away at that dirt box.Cake.Todd: An open-ended question. When wasthe last time you kicked someone in theband in the nuts?James: That was just three weeks ago.Kidd: Our merch guy, Jon, he was pullingBones’s leg. He had a sling on his arm and Ikept punching him in the arm and Bonesfuckin’ pulls back and kicks me right in theass, dude.James: You kind of liked it, huh?Kidd: Yeah, actually I enjoyed that one.James: You have a deep ass.Sean: It was a three hour joke. So, they’redriving in the car, out to the show, and theKidd’s just slugging John in his arm, right?And he’s going, “Oww.” And Bones isgoing, “Hey man, relax. Calm down.”Finally, Bones had enough.Bones: Jon told me he’d fallen off the roof,trying to pirate cable.James: Which is believable because that’sexactly the fucking kind of thing he’d do…Oh, and about a month ago in Pasadena orwherever the fuck we were, Billy Boneskicks me in the fucking nuts on stage.Sean: He donkey kicked James right in thenuts.James: I kept playing. I missed like twonotes and the fucking backing vocals wentup an octave.Bones: That was a good score, man.Kidd: It’s a hard target to hit, too.Sean: You’ve got me, the aircraft carrier.You can’t miss my ass. No one fucks withit. One day, I’ll get lucky.Todd: Last question. What is your day joband how does it help your band?James: My day job is sales and marketing.Todd: For what?James: Basically, anything and everything.Todd: Band included?James: Band included.Sean: I blow up the balloon knot for specialmovies. Nah, I’m a half-assed carpenter.Kidd: I really do blow up balloons. I workat a party supply store. We jacked Bones’sglasses and I got him some skeleton hands.We dress up. That helps.Bones: I flog vibrating equipment. Anykind of tool you can think of and that’s whatI do. That’s my thing. Jackhammers is myspecialty. First aid kits, too.James: I’d like to issue a challenge. I challengeanybody, anybody in SouthernCalifornia to present me with a penis that issmaller than mine and if they do, I will personallybuy them a t-shirt or any Skullsmerchandise of their choosing. I’m not kidding.69

TAKING BACK THE ALLEYThree parts Ramones, onepart Devo, marinate in whateveralcohol’s handy, pop them onstage, garnish with monstermasks and you’ve got the furiousthree-chord assault with a keyboardthat is the Spits. Call itstripped down, bare-bones orprecisely engineered, the songsrocket forward on the strength ofthe bass, drums and, believe it ornot, the keyboards, which are nokitschy throwback to the paranoid‘80s but an integral part ofthe rhythm. You won’t find frillytrills here. The keyboard robot(featured on the cover of theirfirst full-length) plays with all thegrace and urgency of a fingerbang while the guitar exploreslandscapes of sadness and regretthrough a lens smeared withblood, booze and bile. (Just askthose who wander too close to thestage.) Deemed Seattle’s mostdysfunctional band, it’s a miraclethey ever leave the PacificNorthwest at all, but when theydo it’s a show you don’t wannamiss. This interview took place inan alley off Santa MonicaBoulevard behind the Garageand it felt so right.Aaron plays bass guitar, Joeis the keyboard robot, Sean playsguitar, and Wayne, who wasasleep in the van during the interview,thumps drums.$: Are the rumors that you guyshave been having parties in theBriefs’ mansion every night whilethey’re on tour true?Sean: That is very true.Aaron: Yeah, we party there. Wedo coke off their dog’s ass.$: When I interviewed the Briefsnot too long ago, Chris Brief saidthat you guys were a bunch ofdrunk losers who live in their cars.Sean: Gee, everything’s a little easierwhen you have70money.Aaron: That is true. That is verytrue.Sean: We’re not losers, we’re justdrunks.Joe: At least we have a car.Sean: Yeah.$: Does Chris drive?Sean: God, no. He rides a littlemoped. He’s a scooter boy.Joe (sing-song): Scoo-ter boy…Sean: He runs a scooter gang inSeattle. He’s on a major label andruns a scooter gang. You wanna talkabout a loser…$: He did some drumming for youbriefly?Aaron: Briefly, very good.Sean: Yeah, he’s an honorary Spit.He’s filled in on certain occasionswhen we didn’t have a drummer.$ (with tongue planted firmly incheek): He seemed very bitterabout the experience.Sean: You’re kidding.$: Actually, I think he referred toyou as a wanna-be King Diamond.Aaron: Oh my God.Sean: Wow. I guess he could be alittle bitter.$: Why’s that?Sean: I think it’s because he couldn’tplay our songs.Joe: Too complicated.Sean: They were too complicatedfor him, but we love him.Aaron: You know those shoe boys.Sean: We’re not singing about newshoes.Joe: Or sunglasses and pink ties.$: Settle this dispute for me. Whogets less pussy – the drummer orthe keyboard player?Sean: Hmmmmm. The robot.Aaron: We’re on #10 as far as keyboardplayers go so you have to bespecific. Our last keyboard player?That would have to be the drummer.Sean and Joe: Yeah.Aaron: Definitely.$: Joe, what do you have to sayINTERVIEW BY MONEYabout that?Sean: Robots like sex. They get itall the time.Joe: That’s right, I’m a fuckingmachine.Sean: Exactly.$: You and Charlie Sheen. Whilewe’re on the subject of robots, ifyou could replace anyone in yourlife with a robot, who would youreplace and what would be therobot’s distinguishing characteristics?Sean: My ex-girlfriend. If I couldturn her into a robot so I could reprogramher to say stupid shit whenI wanted to hear it instead of whenI didn’t want to hear it.Joe: I’d like to replace myself so itcould go out and do all the shitwork while I sit at home and eatpork rinds and drink cheap beer allday. It could bring home the baconfor me.Aaron: I’m perfectly fine with allof my organic counterparts. I haveno problems with the living.$: Okay, complete this sentence forme: It’s okay for a man to wearmakeup if________.Sean: If his dick is on straight.Joe: Or he’s post op.Sean: It’s okay to wear make-up ifyou’re Lance Mercer (a Seattlephotographer).$: The song “Bring,” on the newalbum, what is that about?Aaron: Killing prostitutes.$: Killing prostitutes?Aaron: Yeah. Just for the hell of it.$: Did you have a particular prostitutekiller in mind?Aaron: No.Sean: He has fantasies aboutkilling prostitutes.$: Why?Aaron: They’re dirty.{Benefits of Conducting Interviewsin an Alley #1: You catch interestingambient sounds – like policesirens – on tape, which in thisinstance is more ironic than annoying.}Sean: I think what brings it on isthe cost of prostitutes these days.Joe: Times are hard. They need togo down.Aaron: I did see a $50 half-hourspecial in Vegas, which seemed fair.Joe: Two for $69.$: Every time the interest rates godown, the cost of hookers shootsup.Sean: Exactly.Joe: People get hornier during arecession.$: You have two full-lengths, right?Sean: Yes, two full-lengths.$: And they’re both self-titled.Sean: Yes.$: What gives?Sean: Aaron, do you want toexplain that one?Aaron: We’re going to have a totalof three full-lengths by the end ofnext year.$: The first two are self-titled…Aaron: And the third one is goingto be self-titled as well.$: Why is that?Aaron (sounding surprised by thequestion, as if he was a scientist andI was a journalist who had askedhim why his experiment had goneso horribly awry): I don’t know.$: Will it be on a different label?Aaron: It probably will be.Sean: It’s like a new issue of amagazine.Aaron: Right. It’s going to equal afull-length when it’s done. Eachone is nine songs—Sean: And seventeen minutes.Aaron: And combined, it willequal a full-length. When you’redysfunctional and lazy, it’s hard todo sixteen songs. It took us eightyears to put out a fucking 7” record.$: How many records have you putout?Aaron: We have two full-lengths,two 7” records, a split, and a songon a Wendy O comp on Johnny Catrecords.

Sean: It’s a really good song.$: Let’s move to the true confessionsportion of the interview.Aaron: Okay.Joe: Uh-oh.$: Have you ever used the phrases“Keep it real,” “Get jiggy with it,”or “Funky cold medina” in a nonironicfashion?Aaron: I remember saying, “Keepit real” when I was like fourteen.Sean: Yeah. I used to use “Funkycold medina” a lot because Ithought I was.Joe: I had funky cold edema, whenmy leg started to swell, but it justturned out to be something else.$: Is that a side effect of syphilis?Joe: No, it’s like gout or somethingwhere my feet swell up from eatingrich food, boozing too much. Nowinstead of my feet swelling, I justhave swell feet.$: Have you ever slept with a bandmate’s ex-girl (or boy) friend?Aaron: Yeah. I slept with one ofSean’s ex-girlfriends. Knowingly.She wasn’t really a girlfriend,though. More like a fuck buddy. SoI’ve dipped the familiar, yeah.$: Does this revelation shock orsurprise you?Sean: No. That’s why I call him abig dick.$: This is a two-part question. Haveyou ever defended the merits of anemo band, and if so, which band,and what merits?Aaron: The Briefs.Sean: Yeah. I would have to say thesame.Joe: Ditto.Sean: They’re cool guys and all—Aaron: We love them to death,they’re great friends—Sean: But fuck. Come on, guys.You’re a little old to be doing thewhole cry on your—Joe: Skinny tie.Sean: Cry on your skinny tie!$: Those skinny tie blues.Joe: Boo-oo-oo-oo-hoo. (Riffingoff of the lyric “Uh-uh-uh-uh-oh”from the Briefs song “Run theOther Way”)Sean: We have to stop. Those guyswon’t think this is funny. They’llread this and get pissed. We’resorry. We’re sorry, Briefs.Julia Smut: Hello.{Benefits of Conducting Interviewsin an Alley #2: Your friends candrive up, say hello and then driveoff again.}$: Who is the worst skater in theSpits?Aaron: That would be Joe.Joe: That would have to be me.Sean: Robots can’t skate.Joe: I weigh five tons. It’s kindahard to stay on a board. I keepbreaking them.$: You can’t skate with swollenfeet.Joe: It’s all titanium.Sean: The best grip tape in theworld won’t hold titanium feet.$: Who is the best skater?Sean: That would be me, Sean Spit,guitar. I skate—Aaron: And destroy.Joe: And he likes horses.$: How often do you use costumesduring your performances?Sean: Every time.$: A different look every time?Sean: We try to.Aaron: It’s hard on tour.Sean: We try to never use the samecostume twice, but we often fail.$: Do you have an organizing principlebehind the costume selection?Sean: Yeah. Last minute. It kindasucks. It’s very stressful.$: The first and last time I saw you,it was at the 3 Clubs with theBriefs—Sean: We shaved our heads thatday.$: You had mohawks, fake mustaches,cop shades and sleevelessdenim vests with no shirts on.Sean: Our colors.$: It was like a weird gay cop thing.Aaron: Yeah.Sean: It may be a gay cop thing onthe West Coast, but in the Midwestthat’s called rip your fucking ass,motherfucker. That’s called kickingass. That’s called don’t fuck withme. That’s what that is.Joe: Is GG Allin a gay cop?$: He’s pushing up sad little dysfunctionaldaisies.Sean: Yes, he is.$: What’s been the most outlandishSpits extravaganza?Sean: We slaughtered a deer inDetroit. Where was that?Joe: Cadillac.Sean: I thought it was Detroit, butit was Cadillac, Michigan. Weslaughtered a deer on stage becauseit was hunting season. We played anall ages show.Aaron: We hung it up. We had aguy carving it up onstage while weplayed. Carving it, wrapping it up.Sean: Dressed like cops. Not gaycops, but cops.Aaron: Yep.Sean: And then the show got shutdown because some crazy kid cameup and shot the dead deer while itwas hanging there. And they shut usdown. I’m not shitting you.{Obligatory authorial intrusion:I’m pretty sure he was.}Sean: That was probably the mostoutlandish show, even though itdoesn’t really have anything to dowith our costumes, although itkinda does because it was part ofour skit.Aaron: It was. It was definitelypart of the performance. And it wasappreciated.Sean: They loved it.Aaron: And the meat went to gooduse.$: Kept the village fed for a week.So what do you have planned fortonight’s performance?Aaron: No plans.Sean: We got some new stuff actuallythat we’re going to bust outtonight.Aaron: Right.Sean: We picked up some new costumesin—where was that?Joe: Kalamazoo.Sean: Kalamazoo, Michigan.We’re going to test it out on the bigHollywood stage. And if the crowdain’t having it, we’ll bring out thefucking dead deer.$: Are there some stage shows thatare so outlandish they can only bedone in the Pacific Northwest?Sean: That’s a good question. Youmean like a testing ground, becausesomeone else might find it offensive?Aaron: We were 24-7 Spits onceand people mistook that for goingAl Jolson style.$: I don’t get it.Aaron: 24-7 Spies!$: I forgot all about them.Joe: So did the audience, apparently.Aaron: They really didn’t appreciateit. We had dreadlocks. We woreshorts—Sean: We wore shoe polish on ourfaces.$: Oh.Aaron: I think it really would havegone over well somewhere like—$: Atlanta.Joe: Berkeley.Aaron: Right, at the Gillman. I’msure they really would have appreciatedit. But we really didn’t thinkabout that. It was all innocent fun.$: Last question: You’re in the Iraqidesert, storming Saddam’s winterpalace, who would you rather haveby your side: a gay Nazi or aChristian cop?Sean: I’d say Dan Brief. That gayNazi named Dan Brief.$: That’s who you’d want?Sean: Yeah. He’s a good guy. A hellof a guy. His hand is a little on thelimp side, but he’s always there,he’s got my back.$: Is he good with small arms?Sean: I don’t know. I’m thinking agay Nazi could whip some ass,whereas a Christian cop… I don’tknow.$: This is more of a who would youwant in your foxhole question.Joe: There are no atheists in foxholes.Sean: Oh! Then I’d want aChristian cop.Joe: A gay Christian cop dressed inNazi regalia.Aaron: I’d want the New YorkDolls. They weren’t punk.They were gay.ALL PHOTOS BY TODD TAYLOR

Dan Monick’sPhoto PageWhat’s upwith Paddyhuggingeverybody?73

Records.Heavy, fragile,labor-intensive,and obsolete.What’s not tolove?These are the top7”s sincethe last mag.Top 40 7”sDisgruntled Mailorder, California1. The Stitches, Automatic (Vinyl Dog)2. Dee Dee Ramone, 2x7” (Stuff)3. Broken Bottles, Radioactive San Onofre (Hostage)4. Zeke, Season of the Witch (Safety Pin)5. Flip Tops/Triggers, split (Johnny Cat)6. Electric Eye, Muscle (Vinyl Warning)7. Varukers, Nothing’s Changed (Weird)8. The Main, To the Grave (Hostage)9. Hookers/Antiseen split (Steel Cage)10. The Agitated, Go Blue, Go Die (Smog Veil)Ungerground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut1. Briefs, Gary Glitter’s Eyes (Screaming Apple)2. Stitches, Automatic (Vinyl Dog)3. Barse, Council Estate (Rapid Pulse)4. Kill-a-watts, Let’s Get High Voltage (Flying Bomb)5. Kill-a-watts, Microwave My Heart (Hate)6. Flakes, First I Look at the Purse (Hate)7. Mystery Girls, Turned On, Tuning In (Bancroft)8. Epoxies, (We’re All) Synthesized (Dirtnap)9. Briefs, This Age (Chrystal Songs)10. Dialtones, Four Last Blasts (Rapid Pulse)Know Crap Mailorder, Oregon1. Exploding Heats, (Making) Teenage Faces (Vinyl Warning)2. Main, To the Grave (Hostage)3. Broken Bottles, Radioactive San Onofre (Hostage)4. The Epoxies, (We’re All) Synthesized (Dirtnap)5. Snuky Tate, Who Cares? (Blammo)6. The Bedpans, ‘80s Mod (Self-released)7. Spitting Teeth, Don’t Believe the Hype (Havoc)8. Kamikazes, Christiane (Zaxxon Virile Action)9. The Triggers, Gasoline (Vinyl Warning)10. Various Artists, Mechanized Death:A Tribute to the Accused (Transparent)

Please note: If you’rean established recordcompany, and yousend us a pre-releasewithout all the albumart, we’re probablygoing to throw thatshit away...cock gobblers.5¢ DEPOSIT:We Have Your Daughter!: CDI picture how I would buy this album. Igo to see a bigger band at a club andthese guys are opening. Being the type ofguy who likes to dance and have fun atshows, I maybe watch close for a fewsongs and get into it during the fasterstuff. I buy the CD, only to rememberthat live music is almost always fasterand crazier than its recorded counterpart.I listen to this once, then a second timejust to make sure. It then lives on myshelf, which is to say I don’t pull it out tolisten to it, but I don’t get rid of it either.Invariably, my cousin or the little sisterof a girl I am dating starts getting intopunk via TRL bands, and so I make her atape of this to show that there are betterbands than Sum 41, but I also don’t wantto scare the kid off at first. In terms of myactual listening experience with this, Iput it on, nit picked the hell out of thefirst few songs because it is in leaguewith, if not better than the sophomoricpop punk I see too much of. I then getdistracted and find myself enjoying it asbackground music. I don’t know if that’sa compliment because I enjoyed it or aninsult because it was background music,but that’s where I stand. To put it anotherway – pop punk that would stand outat the Warped tour and be held in regardat a frat kegger. –Rich Mackin (Radical)6-MINUTE HEARTSTOP, THE:321 Odds: CDEPI’m sooo emotional, I want to be just likeFugazi and At the Drive-In.–Donofthedead (Rise)ABILENE: Two Guns,Twin Arrows: CDWhat can I say about emo and art rockthat hasn’t already been said? It’s asinteresting as a 5000 level accountingcourse and as tasty as furniture polish.Hasn’t this all gone on long enough?Haven’t we given it a fair chance? Can’twe take their amplifiers away from themnow? Please? –Aphid Peewit (Polk)ABSENTEES, THE: IllegalListening Device: 1979-2000: CDThese guys were originally known asThe Absentee Concept back in their official1978 beginnings, and soon changedto The Absentees after a line-up change.What Artifix Records has done here withthis disc is gather up every imaginablerecording (and then some) from theseLong Beach, Californians and chronologicallyslap ‘em onto one convenientCD. Most of you southlanders probablyremember their first single, “Tryin’ toMess With Me,” on that limited editionof the Killed By Death full-length backfrom 1993, I believe. A very well puttogether comp of one of the moreobscure So. Cal bands, featuring cutsfrom the early ‘80s on, as well as a liveversion of The Stooges74In fact, when they come to Clackamasthey can play in the cafeteria here atCity Hall. I think we’re having meatloafthat day. –Cuss Baxter“Cock in My Pocket” from 1979. Fans ofearly Damned, old L.A. punk rock andthe like will find a spot for this in theirCD collection. Here’s to tracking downmore bands who seemingly slippedthrough the cracks and are now gettingtheir music to the masses. Good job,here, Greg. Keep ‘em coming.–Designated Dale (Artfix)ABSENTEES, THE:Secret Weapons: CD-ROne day, many eons from now, when anew, greater species has risen to takeman’s place as caretaker of the planetand war, disease, and pet rocks are nolonger even a bad memory, a copy of thisdisc will be found buried under the rubbleof a McDonald’s sign. After muchstudy, one of these greater beings willfigure out how to make this disc work.He will play it and the truth will then beknown as to why mankind destroyeditself: a species that could come up withmusic this bad was obviously too stupidto survive. –Jimmy Alvarado (No address)ALL SYSTEMS GO!:Mon Chi Chi: CDOne of my favorite bands to emerge inthe last five years is back with a new discto tickle even your mom’s pubic regionin the most delightfully rockin’ fashion.ASG’s Mon Chi Chi features all-fingers/nowank guitarist Mark Arnold (ex-Big Drill Car) and singer-in-chief, JohnKastner (ex-Doughboys). This timearound, there are also two new membersin tow – drummer Dean Bentley andbassist/singer Tom D’Arcy, who tookFrank Daly’s (also ex-Big Drill Car) spotafter Frank gave the final middle fingerto touring. I’d like to give credit to you,Tom – those are some pretty fuckin’ bigshoes to fill, and this record showsyou’re down for the cause. Gold cutshere are “Running Blind,” “FascinationUnknown,” “Sweet Revenge,” “Recordof Hate,” and “Taking Up Space.” I haveto admit that this CD has grown on memore and more as I’ve been spinning itlately, and I’m fully backing Mon ChiChi, but I’m giving the absolute youbuy-this-fucking-CD-or-I’m-kickingyour-stupid-assendorsement to theirself-titled full-length debut. This one’sstrongly recommended, but that firstrelease is essential ASG bliss. Bands likethe Ramones, Motorhead, ‘Mats, orDramarama remind me a lot of ASG. Notso much the music, but how ASG is so“right under your fucking nose, dummy”good. –Designated Dale()ALTAIRA: Self-titled: DemoIt’s the little things that keep me sostoked about all this underground musicwe cover in Razorcake. Little things likegetting an envelope from a stranger whosaw the Super Chinchilla RescueMission show that Razorcake threw acouple of months ago and had a greattime there. By way of thanks (and probablyto get a review), he added his band’seight-song demo, and the demo was oneof the best things I’ve come across in acouple of months. In a lot of ways,Altaira reminds me of Tiltwheel: gruffvocals, tight melodies but enough tempochanges to keep you on your toes, ahealthy nod to Leatherface withoutbecoming a knockoff band, and themusic’s strange ability to creep aroundyour eardrums and get under your skin.This isn’t to say that Altaira is just aTiltwheel wannabe. They’re not. Butthey’re learning lessons from a greatband. I could easily see this band pickedup by a label like Attention DeficitDisorder (they have a lot in common alsowith ADD bands like The Timversionand Super Chinchilla Rescue Mission),and catapulted from there straight intoobscurity. –Sean Carswell (Altaira,)ANCHORSET: Self-titled: CDThis gives me the perfect opportunity totalk about something that’s been gettingto me with a lot of albums lately – andit’s not exactly a negative review. Youtake a band that sounds pretty rippingand put them in a studio. Maybe they’reblown away at how good they soundonce the levels are tweaked a bit. Maybethey think the producer/mixer/masterguy knows more about what they’redoing. When it makes its way to me, Iend up hearing something with promiseat best, at worst jut some generic shit thatI won’t give more than a quick listen.Anchorset falls into the first group forme. I can tell that there’s somethingthere. I’m pretty sure they’d have mefloored if I saw them live, but in therecording there’s something missing, ormaybe added. It just seems a bit tooglossy. I’ve listened to it a bunch of timesnow and I like it. I like it a lot. I’m notsaying that everything needs to be grittyand raw, or that the only way to record aband is live. Some studios just know howto capture that energy better than others.I just get bummed when I hear somethingthat I could really like sounding morelike the Offspring. The album is definitelygrowing quickly on me. And if theycan hold the stage with the Marvels (oneof Boston’s best, if not fattest bands)they’re more than okay by me. If you’rein the Boston area, I highly suggestchecking these guys out. –Megan Pants(Nice Guy)ANTISEEN: Drastic: EPRoyalty: CDThis is a reissue of two old EPs of theirs.Both EPs, each over fifteen years old,contain some of the better songs I’veheard from them. Actually, this is thebest stuff I’ve heard from Antiseen. It’sgot a raw rough sound to it. It can’t complimenttheir brand of music any better.Badass southern style rock’n’roll with alow-fi sound that really brings out thepunk in them. –Toby Tober (TKO)ANTISEEN:Honour Among Thieves: CDThis is a reissue of an album so badassthat originally it couldn’t be contained byjust one label. Co-released by Bonafideand Chopper in ‘88, it was recordedbetween ‘84 and ‘86. This reissue hasthree bonus tracks that are right on parwith the rest of the album. You get whatyou will with any Confederacy of Scumband: it’s dirty, it’s raw, and there’s nothingpretty about it. No apologies andnone needed. –Megan Pants (TKO)ARTIMUS PYLE: Self-titled: 7”I’ve been listening to more BlackSabbath lately, and for the first time inmy life, I think it’s finally seeping in. Iskip the trippy songs. That makes the listeningeasier for me. While they aren’tthe fastest band in the world, Sabbathcan sure make songs heavy. Artimus Pyle– although by way of crusty punk insteadof acid rock – have developed a similarsensibility. When they slow down, theydon’t screech to a halt, they just dig indeeper and let the sickness settle. Theyhave the uncanny ability to be bothatmospheric and then thrust a knife to thelistener’s throat. I’ve also read a lot aboutWorld War I and there’s something verytrench warfare, mustard gas, bayonet,gangrene about how Artimus Pyle sound.It’s dirty business. There’s a lot of handto-handcombat. The songs are creepyand dark without being formulaic orcheesy. Very listenable, much howTragedy is. –Todd (Prank)ASS-END OFFEND: BecomingOur Destruction: 7”Four hardcore rompers by the first bandfrom Kalispell, Montana I do believeI’ve ever heard. Overall not much tocrow about, but the couple occasionswhen they crank up the thrash validaterepeated listens, and a screen printedcover always kicks my esteem up anotch. Bam. –Cuss Baxter(Ass-End Offend)BAD MACHINE:Rip Your Heart: CDIf I tell some of you that this is Finnishpunk rock and roll, you’re gonna go buyit no matter what my review says.

(Someday, it is my great hope thatScandinavia will invade the US, putTurbonegro on the radio, and give us allfree health care; but I digress.) The BadMachines play old school punk rock androll, in the Pagans vein. Unlike a lot ofpunk rock’n’roll these days, this is actuallypretty catchy. Plus they all have longhair and two of ‘em wear cowboy hats.Those crazy Finns! If this were a cereal,it’d be some Finnish cereal. (Sorry, I amno expert in Scandinavian breakfastfood!) –Maddy (Dead Beat)BEAT CORP:Permanent Jetlag: CDImagine Depeche Mode trying to earnsome “cool” points by pretendingthey’re a real band and adding touches ofhip hop for additional street cred.–Jimmy Alvarado ()BEN WEASEL: Fidatevi: CDAnyone who knows me knows that I ama huge Screeching Weasel fan. I own allthe songs in their discography. I haveWeasel promo pictures and posters displayedin prominent areas around myapartment. I won’t let anyone talk smackabout the band. I regard Ben Weasel withhigh esteem, and that is why it has takenme so long to write this review of hisnew solo album. You see, I like what Benhas done with Screeching Weasel, I wantBen to like me, but there is no wayaround it: I did not like Fidatevi. I triedto give it time and the benefit of thedoubt, but this album just does not rockthe way I wish it would. I know I shouldn’tcompare it to the other band, but itpales in comparison. Without Jughead’shappy guitar behind Ben’s pissed-offsoundingvocals, the songs lack balance.On one hand, yes, the lyrics are moreintrospective and do show a growth inBen as a person. I like these qualities inhis column. Far be it for me to tell someoneto not grow and develop as a human.But on the other hand, knowing the kindof music that Ben Weasel has put out inthe past, I just wasn’t impressed with thisparticular album. –Felizon(Panic Button)BIG BOYS: Wreck Collection: CDSweet Jesus, I don’t even know where tobegin with this ’un…. This is a retooling,rather than a reissue, of a posthumousrelease by this Austin, Texas monster ofa band, originally put out by legendarypunk producer Spot on his No Auditionslabel back in 1987 or so. A whole slew ofrare live, comp and otherwise previouslyunreleased tracks have been tacked ontowhat was already and damn near perfectalbum, making the whole deal that muchsweeter. If, by some fundamental flaw inthe space-time continuum, you’ve neverheard of the Big Boys, do yourself afavor and buy everything you can find bythem, starting with this album, as itserves nicely as an introduction to a bandthat impacted everyone that crossed theirpath, from Minor Threat to Black Flag toX to the Red Hot Chili Peppers andbeyond. This was a band that transcendedall the stale boundaries the hairlesshardcore hordes were already imposingon punk rock by the early- to mid-’80sand made some jaw-dropping goodmusic that cut a wide swath across everygenre available to them at the time, aband that could follow up a hail of thrashbeats with a Kool and the Gang coverwithout batting an eye, a band that couldmake you think while you shook yourtail feather, a band that actively searchedout the best ditches to skate and encouragedothers to “start your own band.”Pick up a copy and file it under “essentiallistening.” –Jimmy Alvarado(Gern Blandsten)BITCHIN’: The Night Life, theTight Style: CDI was looking forward to this album somuch and it rose to heavy rotation in myrecord collection so quickly and it just fitinto my life so well that I forgot that Iwas supposed to review it. So here’s thereview, a few months late. Bitchin’ insome senses fit well into the sound thatso many Gainesville bands have. Theyhave that Hot Water Music/Leatherfaceability to build and release tension andadd complexity to a song by staggeringthe tempo and letting the songs breathbetween vocals. But Bitchin’ songs alsohave a nice catchiness that a lot of theirGainesville counterparts lack. When youcouple that catchiness with Bitchin’s richand confident vocals, you have somethingspecial here. I’ve listened to theirtwo seven inches dozens of times, and Iwondered if they’d be able to translatethat power and excitement into a fulllength,and The Night Life, the TightStyle put my anxieties to rest. This is oneof my top albums of the year. –SeanCarswell (No Idea)BLACK DICE: Lost Valleyb/w Head Like a Door:Mini CD singleI’m figuring if Black Dice have enoughmoney to hire a very nice publicist –because they surely have no idea whatRazorcake’s interested in – I’m invoicingthem for the twenty minutes I’ve fuckin’wasted listening to the electronica versionof changing channels on a TV. Lessinteresting that mic-ing your toilet andadding static. Bah! Poo! Yuck! Grrr!–Todd ()BLACKLIST BRIGADE/INVERTED NINES: Split CDThis is put out by No Front TeethFanzine out of England. The packagingis an excellent DIY effort – the sleeve isfoldout xerox, easy to read, and well laidout. What a great way to get people tohear some choice oi and punk. BlacklistBrigade: although it sounds a little hollow,like it was recorded in an emptyboxing ring, the songs are jumpy as fuckand a sound filled with ghosts of greatspast. Think of older guys who’ve got adeep collection, including Stiff LittleFingers, Clash, Pogues dirges, fasterWaterboys, and aren’t just raping thedead, but pulling life out of bodies thatmost treat as deceased. Well-writtenmid-tempo songs, sound quality regardless.Better than recent Rancid or thathorrid Transplants thingie, that’s forsure. Inverted Nines: It’s not lost on methat a fanzine from England is introducingme to damn spanking good band – ala the Bodies, but meaner vocals – that’salmost in my back yard. Crunching,Crowd-style guitar buzz, and a coupleoverlaps in sound with townmates,Smogtown, but not quite as inventive.Not a bad way to be, though. Cool split.–Todd (No Front Teeth)BLACKLIST BRIGADE, THE:Brethren of the Coast: CDIn a way, The Blacklist Brigade are akick in the ass to anyone who’s trying todeclare punk dead. In some ways, thisalbum sounds like three guys who sataround for years listening to Peter andthe Test Tube Babies, Vice Squad, theAdicts, the Business, and so on, and,after drinking vats of beer and singingalong with their arms around each other,they decided to pick up the cheapestinstruments they could find, write songs

like the ones they’d been singing alongto, and record it on a four-track in a basement.It sounds homemade and theywear their influences on their sleeves,but damn if they don’t sound great doingit. And there’s more to these songs, too.These guys are more than just a throwback.I guarantee that, for every timethey played their Menace albums, TheBlacklist Brigade sang along with thefirst US Bombs record, for every timethey listened to 999, they probably listenedto Oxymoron a dozen times. Hell,for all I know, they’ve been around longenough to inspire bands like Oxymoronand the US Bombs (because, to be honest,I don’t know anything about thisband except what I hear coming throughmy speakers). Anyway, everything aboutthis release, from the photocopied albumcover to the lo-fi recording is at once athrowback to better days and a step forwardtowards better days. It’s fuckingawesome. –Sean Carswell (No Front Teeth)BLACKS, THE: Last: 7”“Mutate Radiate” is so full of sludgeslippery,fuzzy, lo-fi venom that’s cleansingin its absolute dirtiness. I can’t buthelp to think of the best bits ofMudhoney, hacked apart like in a slashermovie, quickly reassembled into a slightlydifferent, more bloody monster. “TakeThis Town” is akin to the racket of theCivic Minded Five, where the constantabrasion acts like sand paper to metal –unexpectedly shiny – and it makes sensebecause the song is always moving forwardinstead of spinning its wheels inmud. Two fine cuts.–Todd (Chemical Valley)BLOCKO/EIGHTY SIX: Split 7”Both bands play mid tempo, fairlystraight forward music, with introspectivelyrics. Comparable to, say,Leatherface. “Intelligent” without beingemo. The biggest difference between thetwo is that Blocko rocks out at 33 revolutionsper minute, while on the otherside, Eighty Six kicks out the jams at 45rpm. Extra Suck Points must be given,however, because the hole in the middleof this record is too fucking small. Youshould not need a rubber mallet to get arecord onto your turntable spindle. Buton the other hand, this is a fat little recordand you could probably have fun playingFrisbee golf with it. –Aphid Peewit(Bombed Out)BLOOD BROTHERS, THE:March on Electric Children: CDRasping wolverines, armed with claws ofnoise, blasting bursts and slashinggospel-y vocals, go to At The Drive-In’shouse, ransack the place, then go to yourchildhood happy place and scream atyour mom. Wham, wham, wham. A tadarty in a Locust-y way and more like apainting of a flower on wrecking ballinstead of being fey, foppy, loopy, andnose wipey. I also hear cues from BornAgainst and Combat Wounded Veteran.Not the usual swatch of carpet I playminiature golf on, but loud and crunchyenough to keep me putting along to it. Ikeep pulling out of the stacks. –Todd(Three One G)BLOODY SODS:Get Outta My Head: CDWasn’t expecting this. Thought I wasgoing to hear some street punk. Boy, Iwas wrong. This is punk with some metalovertones that is like a slap in the face.Mid ‘80s, East Coast punk is the flavorthat I hear. The drummer whips out somemean double bass to accelerate the energy.The guitar and bass are recorded rawto give it the nastiness it needs.Background vocals are described as gangvocals to accentuate the words. Mainvocal duties are alternated between twopeople to keep things interesting. Themusic is short but angry. The tempo ispushed to the limit but not overboard.They do an amusing cover of S.O.D.’s“United Forces” which fits them comfortably.Almost didn’t grab this. Glad Idid. –Donofthedead (Madskull)BLUEBIRD: Hot Blood: CDI can’t speak for more than myself and afew other music critics, but there is nothingmore annoying to at least the few ofus than a CD we receive to review that isjust the CD in a blank case, or worse yet,a sheath. This splits the difference bysending me one of those Comp USAscallop cases with no liner notes orcover, but a sticker telling me to contactCarol Phillips at TPG publicity. Not tosay that I covet jewel boxes and professionalism,I love a lot of material foundon home burned CDs with photocopiedsleeves. But that gives insight into theband’s personality. This seems to be thework of people trying to “make it” in themusic “industry.” Yep, this band hasmediocre written all over them. Sure,they know how to play instruments well,but this suits them for being the band thatyou stand around with a drink in hand,talking to your friends while waiting forthe band you came to see to get onstageafter whoever these guys are. Perhapswhat you talk about how being competentand passionate are completely unrelatedthings. You bob your head, youmay even enjoy them. Hell, music isenjoyable to hear. But the next day, yourefer to them as “that opening” band andforget they existed at all not long after.–Rich Mackin (Dim Mak)BREACH: Godbox: CDEPI remember reviewing this band around1998. From what I remember, this bandis from Sweden. I could be wrong. I dugout the previous release and it was titledIt’s Me God. No lyrics are included withthis release or the previous. The scarypart is “God” is included in both thetitles. Like the previous, it’s a heavy worshipof Helmet with screamed, throatyvocals. Kind of emo-violence like withdin-like tones of bottom heavy rhythmsthat are controlled yet abstract. Thisrecording was done during rehearsalsand not in a proper studio setting. It hasa raw edge feel. Happens to fit the moodof my attitude right now. Would hate tofind out that this band is religiousthough. –Donofthedead(Chrome Saint Magnus)BULEMICS, THE: Soundtrackto the Apocalypse: CDLewd, crude, and rude. Heatstrokeinducedpunk’n’roll from this Texasband. It seems like all their songs areabout fucking or getting to the act –music in the vein of old school DeadBoys with the nastiness of the Dwarves.Reminds me of a good night at a clubwith one too many beers and a rockinggood time. –Donofthedead (Steel Cage)CAPTAIN CRUNCH:Back in Blue: 7” EPThey sound like how I’ve always wishedSunday morning cartoons were. Brightand glistening songs about the first punkrocker being found in a glacier, peopleturning into rats, mean teachers, andbeing happy that you’re dead. (Plus, forfuck’s sake, a revved up Enya tune that’sreally good.) Topically, they’re in tunewith the Dickies. Sonically, they’re a

crunchy, thrusting pop mix of the ToyDolls and Masters of the Obvious: darkor serious topics, played so you’resinging along like a bright-eyed kiddrooling from a sugar high and hypnotizedby the rays of the TV. Cool shit anda total surprise. –Todd (Short Hare, $4ppd.)CARGO CULT:Strange Men Bearing Gifts: CDA reissue of a 1986 release by a shortlivedband fronted by former Big Boylead singer Randy “Biscuit” Turner andfeaturing a Jesus Lizard member or two.As can be expected, the sounds mushedtogether here are pretty diverse: you geteverything from a jazzy neo-bop poetrypiece, hardcore punk ditties, an instrumentalthat would’ve fit in nicely in theCocteau Twins very early repertoire,cowboy-core and art-damaged rock all inone sitting. Considering this was recordednigh on seventeen years ago, thetracks still sound pretty damned fresh,although the “big room” sound of therecording kinda sucks some of the powerout of the performances. Still, Biscuitwas/is such a great singer that this couldbe a fuggin’ Backstreet Boys album andwould sound like the best goddamnedthing out on the market. This is not todownplay the efforts of those who sharedstage and vinyl with the man, but, in ascene long up to its eyeballs with warblersand shouters, Biscuit has remaineda rare gem among punk singers – a dudewho can back personality with actual talent.Pick this up, along with all the reissuedBig Boys discs and get(re)acquainted with true greatness.–Jimmy Alvarado (Touch and Go)CARRIE NATIONS: Self-titled: CDSome of this is sooooo good. Most of itis pretty amazing. I lose enthusiasm on afew of the tracks. The lyric sheet is madeup of twelve cartoons, one for each song,with the lyrics incorporated into thecomic. An idea that could easily bepulled off badly works well because thecomics are great and the print is largeenough so you can read the lyrics. Plus,it’s on Plan-it-x, so it’s worth the wholefive bucks they’ll charge you for it. Gottalove those guys. –Megan Pants (Plan-it-x)CARRION: Beggar b/wWitness Your Birth: 7”I see the name “Carrion” and the bleakcover art and immediately I’m thinking“old school metal,” then I read theenclosed blurb where someone says theysound like a cross of Black Flag andKing Crimson and I begin to think,“sounds great, if they can pull it off.”Well, multiple time changes and extendedguitar solos don’t merit that level ofpraise any more than demonstrating athorough knowledge of how to use a toiletmade me the mayor of Clackamas,Oregon, but there is some good heavinessgoing on here; heaviness I’d placein the neighborhood of Neurosis (in theweatherbeaten, scruffy-lawned house atthe bottom of the hill) and I’ll betCarrion do their real shaking live. In fact,when they come to Clackamas they canplay in the cafeteria here at City Hall. Ithink we’re having meatloaf that day.–Cuss Baxter (McCarthyism)COPPERPOT JOURNALS,THE: Plotting to Kill YourFriends: CDIn which four lads from the UK mimicvarious bastard shoegazing spirits oflong dead bands. These seven songs veerfrom slightly crunchy, vaguely rockingangular post-core to pathetic, insipid,sniveling and pretentious lyrical andmusical content (see the title track: “Toemulate the feeling of a dying soulcomes easy. Our scars will offer us thechance to stay in touch with our bleeding,our release, and our memories candie before we have the chance to securethem.”). I’m usually in favor of bandsincluding lyrics sheets because I like toknow what they’re singing, even if Idon’t know what they’re singing about,but in this case I think I would have beenbetter off remaining blissfully ignorant.–Puckett (Firefly)COWTIPPED: Some PeopleSimply Do Not Belong: CDI was so excited to get a CD from WestVirginia. Songs about incest, Nintendo,and girls. Definitely a pop punk influencedthing, but less catchy. I giveCowtipped points for putting this outthemselves, but this just didn’t do it forme. If this were a cereal, it’d be UrkelO’s. Nice try, but it just didn’t work out.–Maddy (self-released?)CRIMSON SWEET:Livin’ in Strut: CDNowhere near as glammy as one wouldpresume, this femme-fronted threesomesounds most akin to Penetration (theband, dumb-ass! Don’t get any of yourfresh ideas just because i said “femmefrontedthreesome!”) when the vocals areon (although if, during a blind taste test,someone were to tell me that it was a pre-LP Girlschool 45, i’d at least entertainthe possibility of believing him or her);when the vocals go off, however, thelonger they remain off, the more the bandsounds like – dig this – the Wipers?!?!!!(translation: Downstroked minor chordsand eighth notes on the bass w/minimalif any scales/runs/fills). Keen backgroundvocals in “Airport Novel,” neatkeyboards in “No Hot on Cold,” otherthan that, this might be the kinda thingthat i listen to once more in my lifetime,tops, or it might be the kinda thing that ilisten to like ten times, each time wondering“why the fuck am i listening tothis again?” and on the tenth time i havesome kinda wack epiphany and decideit’s fucking genius. Logic suggests aresult somewhere in the middle. BESTSONG TITLE: “Sad Walk atKnifepoint,” which i also thought wasthe worst song until i looked at the title(it’s an instrumental), now i kinda dig it.BEST SONG: “Airport Novel” or “NoHot on Cold” FANTASTIC AMAZINGTRIVIA FACT: 1. “White Heart” startsout exactly like “I’m Not a Date (I’m anAlcoholic)” by Depo-Provera; 2.Although the band is called “CrimsonSweet,” the only colors used on the CDcover are dark blue and black. –Rev.Nørb (On/On Switch;)CRUEL & UNUSUAL, THE:Killtime: CDMid-eighties OC-sounding punk rockdamaged by a sweltering Texas sun. Notas crucial sounding as their previousrelease, but not exactly wallowing in thenetherworld of suckdom, either. C’mon,give it a shot, you sissy. –JimmyAlvarado (Mortville)CURSE, THE:Self-titled: CDEPWho in the fuck in Philadelphia has theability to make and perfectly record new,melodic hardcore? I want to shake theirhand. The sound’s full, all the instrumentssnarl, and the vocalist is right inthe middle of the storm. As it should be.The Curse doesn’t sound like a teen-rapeband, nor do they sound like the entire

and was sterilized, metronomed, clicktracked and Pro-tooled to death. Thedrums don’t sound like they were thuddedand muddled on sponges, yet theCurse remains rasping and gnashing.Shiny, yet barbed, like huge loops ofbrand new concertina wire. This shit’sso listenable and sounds so alive. If TheCurse sucked – which they don’t – it’dbe glaringly obvious from the quality ofthe recording alone. The sound?Imagine Black Flag with less breathingroom to get weird and angular, meldedinto Kid Dynamite (the vocalist and theintricate but not obvious shifts in pace,especially). To name contemporaries,I’d go with The Arsons and TheExplosion, too. Great company to keep.I keep on turning this higher and wishingit was longer. Shit, yeah. –Todd(Hell Bent)D.O.A.: Win the Battle: CDI really wish i wasn’t assigned this CDto review, as, for the last eight or tenyears, i’ve avoided contact with anynew D.O.A. product simply out ofrespect for my teenage memories ofhow great they used to be. I mean, shit,Something Better Change was a frickin’beacon in the unholy miasma of crap,piss, retch and swill that passed for“underground” music in 1980 – it wasLOUD and FAST and ANGRY andROCKIN’ and GUTTURAL andMELODIC and STIRRING and PAS-SIONATE and about eighty-seven otherfuckin’ capitalized adjectives in an erawhere true Punk Rock sightings werefew and far between. Absolutely positivelyeveryone should own that album(and, NO, Bloodied But Unbowed doesnot count), recent CD reissue quiteacceptable (since it doesn’t skip during“Thirteen” like all the vinyl copies i’veever heard). Hardcore ‘81 was a worthyfollowup in the Shorter/Faster/Dumberspirit of the moment, and the War on 458-song 12” which closed out ‘82 was asurprisingly successful blend of classicD.O.A. sounds with more traditionalROCK influences. After that, i have nofucking CLUE what happened. Let’sWreck the Party – with the exception oftheir cover of “Singin’ in the Rain” andthe song that immediately preceded it,“Race Riot” (since it sorta ran right into“Singin’ in the Rain” and you kind ofcouldn’t escape it) – was a total pile oflimp-ass crap. On 1987’s True (North),Strong and Free, the band actually managedto come up with three great songs(out of ten total), but had to re-record asong off an early 45 (“Nazi TrainingCamp”) and a fucking Bachman-TurnerOverdrive cover to do so. In 1990, theband called it quits, but not before leavingthe world with Murder, one of thebest albums of 1990 (admittedly due tolack of competition), half of which wasreally quite good. If i’m hired to writethe screenplay for Get Out of My Life:The D.O.A. Story, it ends right there.Unfortunately, that is not the case: Theband – to my everlasting horror! –reformed, and began to emit entirelynew strains of ill-advised records. Thefirst reunion record, 13 Flavours ofDoom, was kind of okay, i guess; thenext one, Loggerheads, was and is, withthe exception of the two songs pennedby the (tragically deceased) drummer,one of the absolutely positivelyWORST RECORDS i have ever heardin my LIFE (any genre). I stopped buyingD.O.A. records after that; it was toomuch like watching a septuagenarianTony Curtis bungle his way thru hislines in the stage musical version ofSome Like It Hot – horrible, tragic, sad,and not the least bit compelling in itshorrible tragic sadness. The really sadthing is that there haven’t been anywholesale changes to the basic D.O.A.sound in the last twenty years, really –it’s just that they used to be great, andnow they suck utterly. My only theory isthat when you’re startin’ out as a band,you’re just kind of flailing in the darkness,trying to make contact; you simplywanna give vent to the demons insideyour head. At some point in time, yourflailing will beget you an audience, andi suppose one might stop writing songsin hopes of being heard, and start writingsongs with the presupposition thatthey are going to be heard at that time –and perhaps this is the crux of the GreatShittiness. Dunno. All i know is that notonly does the band re-do two songs offof 1987’s True (North), Strong and Free– a record, mind you, where they werealready so thin with songs that theyhadda dip into songs they recorded inthe late ‘70s! – and “Dead Men Tell NoTales” which i think was on Murder –but they also cover the Subhumans’“Fuck You” for like the third differenttime on record. I mean, ??? ...as aworkin’ joe myself, i don’t begrudgeanybody the right to make a living (or,for that matter, even to play music); as aD.O.A. fan, however, i’ll go on recordas saying the records they’ve put out inthe last ten years are fucking god awfuland i wish they’d stop releasing them.BEST SONG TITLE: “I Am Canadian”BEST SONG: I dunno, is this countingthe stuff they already recorded fifteenyears ago or no? FANTASTIC AMAZ-ING TRIVIA FACT: The band’s sloganhas long been the equation “TALK -ACTION = 0.” Recall from 8th gradealgebra, if you will, that we can do anythingto one side of any given equationso long as we perform the identicaloperation on the other side. Therefore,let us add the term “ACTION” to bothsides. This gives us the following modifiedequation: “TALK - ACTION +ACTION = 0 + ACTION.” Since (-ACTION) and (+ ACTION) cancel eachother out, the equation can now be writtenTALK = 0 + ACTION. Since (0 + x)= x, (0 + ACTION) = ACTION.Therefore, in its simplest form, “TALK- ACTION = 0” can be written TALK =ACTION. Sad, isn’t it? –Rev. Nørb(Sudden Death)DAYCARE SWINDLERS:Heathen Radio: CDStrong, lean, fast-moving, straight-tothe-pointpunk. No frills, no bullshit.This has the same concentrated manicenergy as a good welterweight boxingmatch where both fighters just peppereach other’s muscles with stinging jabs.Zero art. Zero filler. A straight shot ofbare-knuckled, unapologetic punk rock.Refreshing. –Aphid Peewit (Go Kart)DEAD LETTER AUCTION:Vertigo: CDI had almost forgotten that shoegazingcould sound like this, probably becauseI sold every last noise-pop record I everowned that was this horrible to a recordstore which pandered shamelessly toAnglophilic Britpop fans who woretheir bangs in their eyes, boys and girlsalike. This is rock for the no self-esteemset, music for people who long forrecords that were released twelve yearsago but still want to pretend to keep upwith the times. While I’m sure the bandwould call this emo (and they’d be rightif they were referring to self-indulgentshit in musical form), it has still been along time since I’ve heard a recordwhich is this singularly awful, regardlessof the genre. On the bright side, I’vealways wanted an orange coaster.–Puckett (Excursions Into The Abyss)DEADGUY: Work Ethic: CDI tried. To. Care, but your Hard-As-Fuck! stance. And your diaperbabywhining. Sent me to bed. My word, it’sboring. –Cuss Baxter (Blackout!)DEFIANCE:Out of the Ashes: CDRevisionist anarchy-core, meaning it’sheavy on the oi influences and yet maintainsthe stereotypical sloganeering firstpopularized by Crass, utilized byDischarge and Conflict and thereaftertaken to ridiculous extremes. While Idon’t disagree with most of the sentimentsexpressed here, their lyrics comeoff as one big whine and their fuckin’use of the fuckin’ word “fuck” was prettyfuckin’ ridiculous if not fuckin’ gratuitous,and didn’t fuckin’ make themsound any more fuckin’ angry than theyfuckin’ did before, which was theintended fuckin’ effect, I fuckin’ think.Overall, they were better than some I’veheard wallowing in this pigeonhole, butthis complacency with sounding justlike everyone else is just exasperating.Ain’t a damn thing defiant about beingyet another cheap knockoff. Then again,I guess individuality and creativity areanathema when you’re “another cheapproduct for the consumer’s head.”–Jimmy Alvarado (Punk Core)DESTROY MIRANDA: A Stepin Natural Selection: CDScreamo vocal tendencies mixed withsome really jangly and angular pleasantmelodies (think D.C. post-core). Iremember being at a show that this bandplayed and intensely disliking theirmusic. While this album doesn’t makeme a fan by any stretch of the imagination,I wasn’t in as much of a hurry toskip to the next record. –Puckett (Lola)DFI: Self-titled: CDThis CD starts out strong with a sloppyripper of a first song but then somethinggoes horribly wrong and we wind upwith a drawn out and overly elaboratemating dance between a guitar and adrum machine that lasts for pretty muchthe rest of the disc. Best I can tell, thisso-called “intellectual metal” is thework of one man, a Dave Didonato, whoalso plays guitar in J Church. I don’tthink I’ve ever heard J Church, but as ofnow, I’m less likely than ever to want tohear them. Too many bands, too littletime. Plus I’m a little leery of anyonewho’s spent this much time shut up inhis bedroom with his guitar and hismetronome. Sci-fi geek punk just leavesme a little cold. The cover of this CDshows Mr. Didonato (I think) with abloodied nose – something of a commonsight, I’m guessing; with music thisannoying, he’s probably been fed morethan a few knuckle sandwiches in histime. I’ve always had a soft spot forbands like the Melvins or Flipper whobrazenly fuck with their audiences, trippingup the listeners’ expectations andassumptions – but it’s a tricky thing topull off. Annoying can all too easily turninto self-indulgent. And when that happens,well, that’s when indulgent littlegeeks get popped in the beezer. There’salso a poorly drawn, pixilated cartoonshowing Dave D. and his drum machineabout to get the algebra beat out of themby an unruly mob of mohawkedpunkers. Obviously, the role of “annoyer”is one he relishes. And I respect thehell outta that – to a point. Today’sLesson: Spending too much time with adrum machine is a little like spendingtoo much time with a blow-up sex doll.It might be time to get out of the houseonce in a while, Dave ol’ buddy. –AphidPeewit (Honey Bear)DILLINGER FOUR:Situationist Comedy: CDTodd wouldn’t shut up about these guysand I hadn’t even heard them so he sentme a copy. I was supposed to see themlast summer but they cancelled severaldates of their tour and mine was the firstone they dropped. I have a feeling that ifmy first exposure to them was live I’dfeel differently about them but I guessI’ll have to wait to find that out. My firstfew listens didn’t impress me much – Ithought they sounded too much like toomany other bands, and maybe they do,but repeated listens (as per Todd’s recommendation)have driven the wholething further under my skin and my currenttake is that they sound much likemany of the RIGHT bands (I can’t eventell which ones anymore) and I guessthat’s really all you can hope for in theend. Everyone sounds like someone,might as well sound like someone good.–Cuss Baxter (Fat)DISCONTENT: Self-titled: LPI’m a bit slower than the people aroundme. I played this LP a bunch and somethingwas very different. My expectationswere extremely high. Their WhoKilled Vinyl? 7” on Hostage, I stillbelieve, is quite possibly one of theunsung gems of oi in the past five yearsand their Shot Down CDEP was a teaserof a follow-up. They were posed toclaim the kingdom of angry, fisticuff,non-cheesy street rock, neck-and-neckwith Bonecrusher. Full of tough, hardstuff they didn’t skimp on the hookymelodies. Then it struck me. Discontentfound rock, evidenced by the fancierguitar parts, the slower, more filled-indrumming, and the vocals getting lessgruff. This, in and of itself, isn’t a badthing. I like rock, but instead of continuingdown a path where Discontentcould have been undisputed heavyweightkings – there really were fewcontenders – they’ve gone into an arenawith literally thousands of bands alreadymastering the same type of music. Fromthe New Bomb Turks to Turbonegro toZeke to the Candy Snatchers, the bar hasbeen set so high by some already badassbands that have been playing so long.This LP is all competently played anddoes have some right-on songs, but if Ihad no prior experience with listening tothe band, I’d probably like this a bitmore. I was just expecting somethingdifferent, like spitting my teeth out fromgetting hit in the mouth instead of a possibleopener for Motorhead (who Ilike.). –Todd (Disaster)DISGUST:The Horror of It All...: CDHere is a band I haven’t heard from in along time. Their first release and onlyrelease that I have is Brutality of WarCD that I think came out in 1993. It wasand still is a great release! Forward intime, my brother hands me a copy totrade me. If you have met my brother(Katz) before, he is like the punk encyclopedia.I get the 411 from my brotherabout what’s been going on with theband. He gives me the titles of all theirreleases, format, label and order ofreleases. Well, the band has gonethrough some line-up changes too. Theonly remaining member is the bass play-

er from the original release that I own, butthe formula is the same. If you notice the“dis” prefix, you know nine times out often that it’s going to be Discharge (theband) influenced. These guys are one ofthe elite performers of this genre. Thisdisc shows that they continue the legacy.From the opening instrumental title trackand all the way through, you are bodyslammed to the floor from the blaringenergy of the music: three bottom-heavychords of crusty, metal rage. Lyrics of warand injustices that take place on this planetkeep the theme in a haiku-like style. Ifheavy is what you are looking for, buyand spin. –Donofthedead(Crimes Against Humanity)DISTRACTION, THE:Calling All Radios: CDKudos to the graphic designer. This looksway better than it is. Starts out with “MySharona” type drums, then adds abizarrely “We Got the Beat”-esque bassriff, then everything kicks in and it soundsnothing like the aforementioned whatsoever.My best description is “apparentteenagers trying (either knowingly orunwittingly) to emulate the Ruts, minusthe reggae parts, with lyrics that, a laHead’s The Monkeys album, fail to beminimalistic enough to be interestingsolely as minimalism, but succeed atbeing just minimalistic enough to comeoff as entirely deficient. But in a nicesleeve.” How a band can play fourteensongs in twenty-eight minutes and stillsound like they’re strictly from plodsvilleis beyond me (they musta grown uplistening to the Stitches, another bandwhere you’d listen to ‘em for like twentyminutes and swear you’d been chained toone spot for three hours). I mean, i’m surethis is supposed to sound like some kindof music i really like, but i really can’t putmy finger on what kind of music thatcould possibly be. The beginning of thesecond side is pretty awright, though.HELPFUL HINT FROM YOUR UNCLENØRB: Don’t bug mom to peg yourpantslegs for you until you get the leadout of your asses. BEST/WORST/MOSTCREATIVE SONG TITLE: “Rock andRoll” BEST SONG: “Hijack My Heart”or “Razorblade Kiss” FANTASTICAMAZING TRIVIA FACT: I think“Rock and Roll” is about MRR. I find theline “you don’t play rock and roll” ratherironic, considering those singing it aren’texactly wiping Little Richard fromEarth’s collective memory. –Rev. Nørb(Dirtnap)DOWNTOWN BROWN:Moist & Ridiculous: CDIf I owned a farm, I’d scrape me up thebiggest pile of horseshit I could, standback, and toss this disc on top of it just towatch the horseshit dive outta the wayso’s no one would think that it was in anyway associated with this disc. More succinctly,to say this sucked would be aninsult to bands that suck. –JimmyAlvarado ()DRESSY BESSY: Little Music: CDThis would be the perfect band to havingplaying the big party if you were JenniferLove Hewitt and something dramaticwould happen and the music would justfade out, but people would keep dancing.For anything else it just pretty muchblows. –Megan Pants (Kindercore;)DRIVE LIKE JEHU:Yank Crime: CDThis album was originally released onInterscope Records in 1994. It was thefollow up to their amazing, self-titled firstalbum. Since it was still ’94 and I wasn’tquite as savvy as I am now, I’d still pickup albums on major labels. I bought acopy and I wasn’t disappointed. In fact, Ifucking loved Yank Crime. I spent somuch time getting high and listening to itback in those days that, when I put thisreissue of the album on now, I catch acontact buzz. So, yeah, I’m excited thatthis album was re-released. It’s one ofthose albums that inspired so many crappybands that you almost have to own itjust so that it can stick up for itself. Butmore than that, Drive Like Jehu was agroundbreaking band, a band that wasable to take some of the best elements ofSonic Youth and Fugazi and Rocket FromThe Crypt (John Reis from RFTC wasalso in Drive Like Jehu) and fuse theminto wild, divergent, powerful songs. Attimes, Drive Like Jehu were a bit selfindulgent.You do have to sit through thirtyseconds of feedback just to get to thesong “Super Unison,” and they’re notafraid to repeat certain riffs so manytimes that you go through stages of likingit, getting sick of it, hating it, and liking itagain, all in the context of one song. And,on this re-release, they’ve included theoriginal version of “Sinews,” somethingthat was probably best left wallowing inobscurity. But Drive Like Jehu’s originalitymore than makes up for their periodsof self-indulgence. This re-issue alsoincludes two tracks that weren’t includedthe first time this album was released:“Bullet Train to Vegas” and “Hand overFist”. Those two songs may be the bestthing I’ve heard from Drive Like Jehu.–Sean Carswell (Swami)DROP DEAD/TOTALITAR: Split: 7”What a great combo for a split! I havealways liked Drop Dead. They are fast butunique. They always seem to be a stepabove their peers. The two LPs I have bythem are pure classics. They contributesix songs on their side. I believe you canonly put about 7-1/2 minutes of music,max, per side on a 7” record. So youknow that they are giving you a massquantity of manic thrash for your grittingteeth to enjoy. Swedish legends, Totalitar,round out this split with their brand ofcrust meets Dis-core. Three songs that areabrasive as sandpaper and as energetic asa new set of batteries. Two different interpretationsof the international madnesswe call punk. –Donofthedead (Prank)DS-13: No One Will Thank YouWhen You Are Dead – ACollection of Old, Rare,Unreleased, and Live Shit: CDUp there in importance in recent yearsalong with Crudos’ Discography andCharles Bronson’s CompleteDiscography, this is a handy way to pickup the bits and pieces not on their fulllengths (get Killed by the Kids, if you feellike getting that fuzzy feeling of beingstaple gunned to a wall), some live tracks,and four previously unreleased ones.Demon System 13? Who’s that? One ofthe banner holders for DIY internationalhardcore, living proof that AmericanHardcore: A Tribal History’s author,Steven Blush is a fucking idiot asshole forclaiming any and all hardcore dead andirrelevant ten years ago. DS-13, as wellCrudos and Bronson, were in the spearheadto a nuclear arsenal of bands thatcontinued, raised, and kept relevant thestate of hardcore, long after Black Flag,The Circle Jerks, and Minor Threat (threegreat bands) gave up the ghost. No-bullshit,no stupid metal-disguised-as-punk-

ecause-we’re-bald Victory-conspiredcruddup. Just pure, fast, hard, intelligentSwedes, who never lost their sense ofhumor (as evidenced by song titles“Upperclass Vegans Vs. Non-PC Bums”and “The Return of Hardcore Jesus”)while pounding away at forty songs. Agreat introduction to a band that, unfortunately,called it quits. –Todd (Deranged)EAST ARCADIA: We OnlySee From Where We Stand: CDPop punk with meaningful, if non-specificlyrics. Some bands tell you societysucks, some show you how it does, orwhy it does, these guys write metaphorsaround it. There is a definite posi-corevibe to this – there is bad, but a feelingwe will overcome. I keep going back andforth between if these guys remind memore of Strike Anywhere (which theysound a LOT like – but more in an affinitysense than a rip off one) or the weirdrarity of Christian punk that is more punkthan Christian (it does exist, it just isreally unusual). I don’t mean preaching,I mean having lyrics about personalresponsibility and being good and societyand that, and music that backs it up. Ilike this, but I kept looking for the Jesusreferences that are hidden somewhere.–Rich (Gekido Comet)ELEPHANT MAN: Self-titled: 7”This Bay Area band (or project?) featuresmembers of Capitalist Casualties, Agentsof Satan and Plutocracy. Lyrics, Iassume, are sung in Japanese becausethat is how they are written out and Ican’t tell from the screaming pouring outof my speakers. The music is heavilyBlack Sabbath soaked but tends to veerout of control into the thrash vein. Slow,fast, slow, fast. It makes me dizzy. Anaural experience of pain and despair withrage and aggression. Like smoking potfor awhile, then doing some lines ofmethamphetamine and some heavydrinking to come back down. Their coverof Black Flag’s “Thirsty and Miserable”kicks ass on Lemmy’s version on theRise Above comp. Music that would putmy nut sack into knots. –Donofthedead(Impatience or Indifference)EVEN WORSE:You’ve Ruined Everything: CDFor those either too young to know or toobrain-damaged to remember, this is anold New York punk band that featuredJack Rabid, also known as the head honchoat Big Takeover Magazine. The bandexisted during that awkward timebetween the downfall of the Big Apple’s“classic” punk scene surroundingCBGB’s and Max’s, and the rise of thatcity’s “classic” hardcore scene, centeredaround the 171A and, uh, CBGB’s. Themusic contained on this disc consists of agreat “lost” album, and a great live set.The music is raw, crude and infused witha healthy dose of humor, as it should be.If you do happen to remember ’em, alltheir big hits can be found here, includingthe tracks from the NY Thrash tapeand a studio take of “We Suck,” whichthis reviewer remembers only a live versionbeing released prior (which is herealso), which can be found on his tatteredcopy of the You Can’t Argue withSucksess comp. Recommended.–Jimmy Alvarado (The Big Takeover;)EXCESSIVES, THE:Self-titled: CDAny band that photoshops a ‘hawk and aguitar case onto the original picture fromthe marquee poster of The Exorcist isdefinitely going to get pulled outta thereview pile for Dale to check out. ThatCD cover fucking rocks and I’m hopingthere’s a shirt available of it. TheExcessives’ full length here is chock fullo’ skanking surprises like “Knife Fighton the Beach,” “Shitheal,” “Side Track”(which sounds a lot like Dee DeeRamone’s song, “I’m Zonked LosHombres”), and a rollicking version ofThe Simpletones “I Like Drugs.” It’seerily ironic that they chose to cover anold Simpletones tune, ‘cause the firstband that the Excessives reminded me ofwas So. Cal’s own Riotgun, and believeit or not, ex-Simpletone Danny Ruiz hasbeen playing bass for Larry Hernandez’salmighty Riotgun for some time now.Small fucking world. Street punk fansmight take a shine to this – chunk riffheavy but not being stingy with the uptempojams, either. Would like to see thisoutfit live. Besides a hot-diggity-fucking-dawgof a CD, it’s also enhanced aswell – you get three videos to check outon your computer, which are rather coolbecause they’re of The Excessiveswhirling it up at gigs, all with plenty ofcrowd interaction to boot. I love it whenbands include this stuff on their discs.Now all I ask of you guys is to write asong entitled, “Pazuzu,” and you’ve got afan for the existence of your band.–Designated Dale (Longshot;)F-HOLE: Self-titled 7” EPI feel like a fuck hole for making it to thesecond song. –Megan Pants (F-Hole)FIRST GRADE CRUSH:Our Time Down Here: CDThe press release says they’ve been comparedto D4 and RFTC. I plan to huntdown the people who said those thingsand hurt them. And not nice like lasttime, either. I will happily admit that thisband is quite reminiscent of Fishbone,Less Than Jake and, in Dickie’s lessgruff moments, the Mighty MightyBosstones. From this, you should infervaguely punk-like guitar-driven music, ahorn section and a heavy ska influence.You can also infer anything else you like,because this record does fuck all for me.–Puckett (Jump Up)FIVE DAY MESSIAH:New Rock Regime: CDNOTICE TO BANDS THAT WANT TOBE REVIEWED: If you decide to makea stupid joke song that sounds nothinglike the rest of your music, make it reallyshort if possible, but if nothing else, doNOT put it first on your album. The firsttrack was so lame and horrible that Ialmost took out the CD and threw itaway, knowing it would have no resalevalue and that nobody I know would likeit... but wait! The rest of the songs are...real! Reminds me of the art punk I seelive in converted loft spaces with DIYshows with lots of metal influence.Screamy bike punk stuff! Wow! Theseguys would have made a really great CDif they didn’t ruin it with that annoyingfirst track that I would have to fast forwardto listen to this album ever again.Imagine for your birthday, your friendsbaked you the best tasting cake ever, itjust has dog doo for decoration. I wouldlikely endorse these guys live, otherreleases by them, or a version of thisalbum in reverse order. –Rich (Not Bad)FLIP TOPS, THE:All Worked Up: CDI haven’t stopped listening to this since itcame in the mail. Everything about thisalbum is spot-on. Todd says it soundslike a slower Candy Snatchers withoutoperatic vocals. I hear Dead Boys in theguitar, but only on certain songs. Someof their lyrics are pretty dumb, though:“Makes me drink until I’m drunk andthen I’m wasted… wasted.” Heavilyrock’n’roll influenced. Helluva goodrecord here. –Megan Pants (Rip Off)GAY, THE: Self-titled: CDEPTen minutes and thirteen seconds dividedinto three songs of such excruciatinglybanal, drippy indy rock that you’ll wantto pull your own head off and hurl it atthe speakers until the bad noise goesaway or you bleed to death. Everythingyou’ve ever hated about college radioboiled down to its horrible essence andstamped onto this disc belched up from abowel of hell I don’t even want to thinkabout. God save us. –Aphid Peewit (Mint)GBH: Leather, Bristles,Studs and Acne: CDAt long last, a reissue of this legendaryband’s greatest work, and all I can say isit’s about friggin’ time. This is it, kiddos,their finest hour. While the work that followedwas by no means terrible, this isGBH at their best, a standard they haveoften come damn close to but have notquite surpassed over the years. Compiledon this beautiful hunk of plastic are theLeather Bristles, Studs and Acne mini-LP, the Sick Boy EP and the No SurvivorsEP and every song here, from the opener“Race Against Time,” through“Lycanthropy” past “Self Destruct” andto the closer “Am I Dead Yet,” is a classic.To sweeten the deal, they’ve includedthe original record’s “hidden” track,“Alcohol,” which makes its digital debuthere. So mandatory it ain’t funny.–Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi)GEE STRINGS, THE:Arrest Me: CDJean-Luc at Headline Records convincedme to pick up a copy of this album. Hetold me that they sounded just like theAvengers, but with something more to it.And he’s right. Like the Avengers, TheGee Strings have really cool femalevocals and good melodies. But there issomething more to The Gee Strings. Iwouldn’t say that they’re better than theAvengers. Just that The Gee Strings havelearned how to speed up the mid-tempo,catchy songs. There’s a good variety tothe songs, so that, even though all thesongs do have a lot in common with eachother, listening to the album doesn’tsound like you’re listening to the samesong twelve times in a row. And, if youlisten to it enough, each song is guaranteedto get stuck in your head for one fullday. If you’re thinking that you need tolisten to more female-fronted bands,here’s a good place to start. –SeanCarswell (Dead Beat)GODSTOMPER:Hell’s Grim Tyrant: CDWAAAAIIIIIIIIIHIHHHHHHH!!!!!!GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! HHUUUUHH-HHAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! The best thingabout grindcore is that, no matter howbad whatever you’re listening to is, youcan bet your boots it’ll be over relativelyquick. –Jimmy Alvarado (Enterruption)GOONS, THE:Live at the Black Cat: CDOn the first couple of listens, I wasn’tthat interested, but something kept meplaying it more and more. Sure, there’s abig love for Minor Threat, someNegative Approach, and, surprisingly,some early Dicks (mostly in the voice,and not to mention the lead singer looksa hell of a lot like Gary Floyd) but, mostly,what’s good about the Goons is theyknow their limitations, don’t try to gettoo fancy, and end up playing some goodstraight-ahead, extremely listenable DCstylehardcore with some nice hooks. Itdoesn’t sound like they’re playing in agraveyard, hoping for the ghosts of thepast to rise up to hootenanny with, butspray painting their own noise on thetombstones. Well weathered, veteran, funstuff that gets the thumbs up. –Todd(Squirrel Heart)GROOVIE GHOULIES:Go! Stories: CDPlease bear in mind that there is onlyONE Groovie Ghoulies album in the universe– the other things you buy everyyear are just software updates (which is,of course, not to imply that any oneGroovie Ghoulies album is more “THE”Ghoulies album than another; the OneTrue Groovie Ghoulies album exists onlyas a Platonic Ideal, a thought constructthat serves as blueprint for that which weexperience in the everyday world. Justthought i’d clear that up). That said, letthe record show that this is my favoriteGhoulies album of all time for a varietyof reasons, one of which is that it’s gotthe best cover (in the top purple wedge,Roach casually maneuvers her lunarmodule past a rocket ship containingarmed, green aliens; in the middle orangewedge, a cheerful red Tyrannosauruspursues Scampi, who flees across therugged desert on horseback; and in thebottom blue wedge, an intense purplesquid bears down on a scuba-divingKepi. When YOUR band is able to staveoff the assaults of aliens, dinosaurs, andsea monsters and still remain so damnchipper, THEN you can start faulting mylogic). Another reason, strange as thismay sound, is that it’s got the best songs(i actually first heard this at a localrecord shoppe, and was so taken with thebrilliance of the lead-off track, “Let’s DoIt Again” [“I’m not tired and I’m notbored and I’m not broken and I’m notsore, you ask me what I want? It’s more!Let’s do it again...”] that, although therewere multiple avenues i could have pursuedtowards the goal of securing a copywithout money having to change hands, ibought it on the spot, cash on the barrelhead,‘cause it was so cool [i mean, thinkabout it: Kepi anticipated his own redundancy,acknowledged it, took steps tocombat it, then turned it into a positive!Like, high five!]. When i got it home, idecided the record was so great that iwanted my friends to think that i got it asa promo, so i snipped the corner off thealbum cover. Then, later, i DID get acopy as a promo! I don’t know what tomake of all that, morally). The entire firstside is more or less boss, with peachybacking vocals in “Mess Me Up” (cometo think of it, there should be more backingvocals on Groovie Ghoulie records,it’d help fill out the sound. Pop-punkwithout backing vocals is like pizzawithout crushed red peppers: It can bedone, i guess, but why?), and cool vocalphrasings in the sorta-like-the-Riverdales-song-”I Think About YouDuring the Commercials”-but-way-better“School Is In” compelling me to statethat Kepi would be one of the mostunderrated vocalists in punk rock todayif anybody actually bothered to rate him.Now, of course, there is a certain segmentof the populace that wonders exactlyWHY the world would need a moreor-lessG-rated (Kepi does use swearwords sometimes to express his GREATENTHUSIASM!) hybrid of theRamones, Misfits, and Riverdales, the tipof my Iceberg of Rebuttal being 1.

They’re fun and they rock; 2. The bandand the band’s records never get anyworse-sounding regardless of how manytimes one hears them; and 3. A hundredyears from now, everyone reading this isgonna be dust EXCEPT the Ghoulies,because they’re freaky undead cartooncharacters who will still look twentyfouryears old, fit into the same blackjeans, and be touring to support their138th album, 20 Second Century.They’re like a cool plastic thing in alandfill: It can be sitting there for aneternity, but all ya gotta do is pull it outand wash the dirt off and it’s good asnew. Ghoulies are GO-er than ever!BEST SONG TITLE: “Someone IsAlways Not Happy” BEST SONG:“The Bay Bridge Club” FANTASTICAMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Once myfriend booked the Groovie Ghoulies inhis club and he didn’t have money tomake flyers, so i tried to help him out byputting signs up in front of the venuethat said “GROOVY GHOULIESTONIGHT!!!” but they were torn downby angry mobs because i misspelled“Groovie.” –Rev. Nørb (Stardumb)GUNMOLL/FIFTH HOURHERO: Split CDWow! I had never heard Fifth HourHero before, and it’s so damn good! Thegirl vocals sound a little like Allisonfrom Discount (a compliment!), the riffsare catchy, and the lyrics are just whatwe punks need to not kill ourselves inthe middle of Dubya’s term: “What’sthat quivering?/ One day it will come,strongly overcome/Working in shadow,making vibrations.” And then, “We’reeverything. We’re giving sense to thatmasquerade. We’re the children, thewomen, and the poor. We’re the peopleof this earth.” Of course, Fifth HourHero is from Canada, so maybe theyhave reason to be a little more optimistic.Or not. Great stuff, though.Gunmoll does the whole Hot WaterMusic, melodic punk thing, and does itwell. Gruff vocals, introspective lyrics,a touch of Jawbreaker, you know thedeal. Also really good; but I kept goingback to Fifth Hour Hero. If this splitwere a cereal, it’d be French ToastCrunch. An unexpected treat! –Maddy(No Idea)GUTTERMOUTH: Gusto: CDHoly shit! Sean sent me a Blink 182 CD,expecting me to listen to it. Wait aminute. This says Guttermouth. Whatthe fuck? Is this the same snotty smartassedpunk band I used to listen to aboutten years ago? No… can’t be, but thepackaging says, sure enough, that it is,Mark Adkins & Co. Mark, what are youdoing? This shit is terrible. My guess isthat you are in the midst of some midlifecrisis and you are realizing that youare too old to pick up teenage girls anymore.So, you catch a glimpse of whatBlink 182 is doing and how easy it is tomake that kinda inane music and havetons of screaming teenage girls paw allover you. I can’t say I’m not jealous inthat department, either. Hell, if I had aquarter for every teenage girl I jerked…uh… nevermind. But is it worth givingup your dignity for? Many can arguethat question and it looks like youanswered it “yes.” Well, I wish you guysluck, but I don’t plan on listening toanything else you put out if this continues.Just some advice as we part ways –pay attention to your statutory rape lawsfrom state to state. The age of consentvaries greatly. If you are looking for theyounger ones, let me recommend thesouthern states. Check out for further info onthe topic. Good luck and be careful.–Toby Tober (Epitaph)HATE NO. 3: Crucified: 7”Do I like Japanese punk? Fuck ya! Thisband kicks major ass by playing midtempo,metallic Jap-core, crust, and oldschool. The guitars are strong and abrasive.The drums are heavy and pounding.The musicians sound very accomplishedand keep things from gettinggeneric. Paintbox is a good referencepoint. I need to see a dentist after theswift kick in the teeth that I got.–Donofthedead (Yoakemae)HENRY FIAT’S OPEN SORE:Adulterer Oriented Rock: CDUnzip the half of your brain that thinks.Huck it out the window. Use the otherhalf and occupy it with rough monkeysex, crayons shoved too far up yournose, bleeding fingers guitar, a sluttylove of the Mummies, the Motards, andthe Dwarves, the smell of cars burningout, all sliding up the shaky knees ofyour daiquiri-drunk date. Perfect, nothinking,funny/blunt (as in “England,That’s a Place to Hate,” and “Brit PopSucks”), bloodshot Swedish garage festthat slows down when they die.Awesome. Think angry dogs, bullwhips,and a dude that carries a mannequinhead for self-service, I presume. As subtleas a fist fuck. What’s not to love?This is a forty-seven song collection oftheir singles. –Todd (Coldfront)HERE KITTY KITTY:Daddy’s Girl: CDLet’s pull out some names from history’spast. I hear some Ramones, SleaterKinney, Ramones, Queers and that oldschool death rock band, VoodooChurch. Simple, power chord-drivenmelodies that only back up the magicalexperience of the band. They assaultyou with a three female vocal attack thatmakes the music sweet and infectious.The production has a very live feeling toit. That leads to a more intimate listeningexperience. I’m not sure if this istheir debut, but it was a nice preview forme. The opening track, “How Now” is agreat track and the funny cover of LitaFord’s “Kiss Me Deadly” is a perfect!–Donofthedead (Lorelei)HOBART: Self-titled: CDEPThe bass player of Hobart sent me thisCD to review, along with a note sayingthat he’d read one of my reviews anddecided that, judging from my review, Ididn’t know shit about music in Tucson.He sent me a whole package of musicthat was supposed to educate me. In thepackage were a couple of Blacks seveninches (so I knew he had good taste); aCD he burned for me with a bunch ofcool Tucson bands like the WeirdLovemakers, the Blacks, and LosFederales; and this CDEP. It was hell ofa good package, and I’ll take criticismlike that any day if the criticism comeswith cool music to back it up. I’ll haveto admit that I really scrutinized this EPthe most, thinking to myself, if this guysays he knows so much about music,let’s see how he backs it up. So I listenedreally closely to these threeHobart songs as they came blaring outof my speakers all disjointed and noisyand solid and in blocks of time that farexceeded the requisite two-minute punksong. It was a little arty. I could hearsome Hot Snakes in the guitar. Thevocals started, and my first thought was,oh, shit, they should’ve stuck with justthe instrumental parts. The songs con-

tinued to wind up and build into thiscrazy ball of tension. And, luckily, theyremembered to bring on the rock. Thesesongs were way better than I hopedthey’d be. I decided to listen to the EP afew more times and hope that I couldfind something to criticize about them,but the more I listened, the less criticismI had. By the third listen, I even liked thevocals. What can I say? This shit rips.Consider me educated. –Sean Carswell(Sumo Agnew)JACK HOUSEN: Two LaneRoad: CDSome pretty good stuff here from a guywho is going off the beaten path andactually writing songs rather than merelyfollowing a well-worn template to fit intosome prefabricated genre. His style isengaging, sometimes maybe a bit mellow,but the arrangements are inventiveenough to warrant future listens. –JimmyAlvarado (Jack Housen)JAWBREAKER: Etc: 2 X LPIt’s been a long time since I’ve heardnew-to-me Jawbreaker songs. I reallyenjoy the sense of raw discovery thatJawbreaker provided me for the yearsthey were actively releasing records.They’re amazing – they came at punkrock, cracked its walnut and got to thesoft flesh, but never forgot the texture ofhardness. The duality was both poeticand durable. This is a collection of someearly almost-demo songs (the demo,Rise, had Jon Liu singing every song butone), comp tracks, split 7”s, and out-ofprintsingles, all the way through theirlast release, the still-controversial DearYou. The songs are placed in chronologicalorder, which is a great way to seehow they refined and redirected theirsound without abandoning what madethem great: the power of three instrumentsever inter-locking then breaking tobreathe and Blake’s tender knife-tothroaturban lullaby lyrics. If you’venever heard of ‘em, take Leatherface,move ‘em to California, shake on HuskerDu’s bulletproof songwriting skill, openup an exposed soul, duct tape it togetherin a big ball, and stuff into a rattling tourvan. The LP record dust jackets are great,too, with scans of Walter Matthau’s attorneyordering a cease and desist fromusing one of the Odd Couples’ pictureson the Busy 7” and a play-by-play ofevery song by all three members.Highlights: “Split” off their split 7” withSamiam that was released with No IdeaMagazine, the spot-on cover of thePsychedelic Furs’ “Into You Like aTrain,” “First Step,” (a song slated forwhat I consider their magnum opus, 24Hour Revenge Therapy) and the re-do of“Boxcar.” Only one song makes mecringe – the U2 medley that segues intothe Misfits “Skulls.” All in all, though,this is fantastic. Highly recommended.I’m stoked this stuff is easier to find nowand all in one place. –Todd (Blackball)JELLO BIAFRA: Machine Gunin the Clown’s Hand: 3X CDAnother ultra-long player of spokenword from Biafra, this one focusing on9/11, the resulting war on terrorism andthe general corporate and governmentalshenanigans that all of the banging of thewar drums is supposed to be covering up.Love him or hate him, you’ve gotta giveBiafra his propers. At a time in Americanhistory when civil liberties are beingwholly done away with and openly questioningthe government’s actions couldresult in a nice long jail stay (or worse),he’s there, reminding us all that no matterwhat sugarplum dreams the majorcorporate media lulls us sleep with, nomatter how many pills the Ministry ofWellness force-feeds us to make us “better,”no matter how many times KingGeorgie the Lesser insists that the onlyway to achieve peace is through all-outwar, when punk seems to be more contentto wallow in an insipid realm of fartjokes and affected posturing and sucklethe corporate nipple than to actually raisea little ruckus, reality is sometimes worsethan your wildest nightmares. Call himparanoid, but that don’t mean they ain’tout to get you. –Jimmy Alvarado(Alternative Tentacles)JERRYCAN: Prog-ress: CDSounds like college boys slumming withthe punkers to garner at least some semblanceof a music career. –JimmyAlvarado ()JEZUS AND THE GOSPEL-FUCKERS/AGENT ORANGE:Couldn’t Care Less: CDTracks from two of Holland’s legendaryhardcore bands are once again madeavailable to the teeming masses. As canbe expected, the proceedings are loud,rude and up to here with Discharge influence.Definitely worth the time if youcan get your mitts on it. –JimmyAlvarado (Kangaroo)JOAN OF ARC:So Much Staying Alive andLovelessness: CDI didn’t even make it through the firstsong, “On a Bedsheet in the Breeze onthe Roof.” At best I’d say that it’s kind oflike Pearl Jam inviting a hot new guitaristto jam with them in an acoustic set.I’d burn this at the stake any day.–Megan Pants (Jade Tree)KILLS, THE:Black Rooster: 7”EPThe mysterious VV and Hotel come offlike a cross between Mecca Normal andRoyal Trux but the result is way moresatisfying than anything either of thoseminimalist bands on this debut EP.Mostly ‘cause the Kills don’t sound minimalistat all. The potential of every songis deftly realized. “Cats Claw” starts outlike a lost Mick Taylor-era RollingStones track and then kicks it up a notchwith some seriously fuzzed out guitarand “Black Rooster” sounds like ZZ Topon meth amphetamines. Side two givesus “Wait,” a sing-songy blues numberand “Dropout Boogie” re-envisions theKinks “You Really Got Me” riff as anangry blues number. They don’t soundlike the White Stripes. –Bob Cantu(Dim Mak)LANDSPEEDRECORD:Good Housekeeping: CDArty college rock/emo. Not only did Inot like it for what it was, I disliked it forwhat it wasn’t. There wasn’t one ridiculouslyfast song on here, and with a namelike Landspeedrecord, I don’t think it’sunreasonable to expect such things. Theyalso failed to provide a single tip on howto more effectively maintain a certainlevel of cleanliness at the crib. What aletdown. Distributed by Dischord, as ifthat really makes a difference. –JimmyAlvarado (Ambiguous City)LAST IN LINE: Self-titled: 7”One of the best hardcore bands out ofMass. They’re right up there with OutCold, Cops’n’Robbers, and A PoorExcuse. Fast, hard, and right on themark. They make me homesick for eastcoast shows. –Megan Pants (Gloom)LEFT WITH NOTHING:Good Things Come toThose Who Wait: CDYou dudes need some Prozac. Oh, andmetal disguised as hardcore bites theweenie. –Jimmy Alvarado (Excursion)LIPSTICK PICKUPS/BIKINI BUMPS: Split 7”The Lipstick Pickups play great poppyrock and roll (with a clear Bobbyteens/Nikki & the Corvettes influence!), withcool girl vocals. The Bikini Bumps playgood old-fashioned poppy rock and roll.If striped t-shirts, tight pants, and skinnyties are yer thing, you know what I mean,you’ll eat this up! If this were a cereal,it’d be Fruit Loops! Punk! –Maddy(Geykido Comet)LOST SOUNDS, THE:Rat’s Brains & Microchips: CDThe last Lost Sounds, Black Wave, hadme super confused. There were parts Itruly liked, but, man alive, if I’d spaceout for a bit, I’d glance back over at thestereo and feel that someone had stuffeda sea urchin and some tight underwear onme and thrust me into a prog-rock desertparty whence I got a body-wide, nastysunburn. It got me downright confused.But, Rat’s Brains & Microchips rectifiesthat by chopping down the song length,stripping the trippiness, and comes blazingout confidently. Instead of gingerlypicking influences off the ground likegarments at an over-stocked Goodwill,you get full tackles of a bunch of diverseshit. Especially when Alicja takes thevocal helm, there’s Siouxie and theBanshees but with rusty blades andConverse instead of fake eyelashes feel.There’s a real nice balance between ethereal– led by the synthesizer and cello –and the deranged and garagey (albeitintergalactic garagey) that makes methink of both Servotron and Man orAstroMan, but they’re definitely takingcues from a deep, dark, swirling well oftheir own. The result is the record I washoping for the last time around. I can’tseem to take this off my stereo. Flat-outfantastic. -Todd (Empty)LOT SIX, THE: Animals: CDNoisy stuff that sometimes veers intoBarkmarket country, sometimes dips itstoes in the Nirvana pool, and sometimesjust gives it the ol’ college try. I like andgreatly appreciate the diversity ofsounds. Ain’t exactly my cup of tea, butI do respect ’em for bein’ a little off thebeaten path. –Jimmy Alvarado (Espo)MACHINE GUN ELEPHANT,THEE: Rodeo TandemBeat Specter: CDSomething about them Japanese. Likethe Mad 3, these guys can take influencesfrom three decades – the ‘50s,‘60s, and ‘70s, put them in a timewarp/blender, and come up with somesuper satisfying 2002 rock’n’roll. It’sheavy on grooves and establishing a bigatmosphere, but it doesn’t soundoverblown and dumbnutty because thechords and chops come from unexpectedplaces, yet fit in perfectly, and the vocalsdon’t sound like someone’s nuts are in avice. If you’re looking for Link Wraymeets Mott the Hoople meets theControllers, all sung in Japanese, this is agood way to open the brain a little withoutmissing out on the rock. It’s also apretty darn good to play for the parentsbecause it’s motivated and jumpy butthere’s no swearing (in English at least).–Todd (Alive/Bomp)MAGNETIC IV: Tarantula!: 7”with glow-in-the-dark sleeveand fridge magnetThis caught me off guard in a good way.It’s surfy (ala Ventures) female-frontedbreathy-to-screaming garage punk (thinksomewhere between the Loudmouthsand Sado Nation). I like the watery, warbleyfeel that the guitar gives it, teeteringthe songs like a mildewing shack on theedge of the ocean, about to crash onto therocks below. But, overall, it didn’t completelylight my ears on fire. I think it’sbecause the songs lock into grooves toosoon and the band doesn’t know if theyshould be brazen fire breathers (as theurgent vocals suggest) or new traditionalists(as the straight ahead reverbinsists) and the overall impact lessenswhen parts of their songs repeat. To theircredit, they hotfoot through a cover ofThe Sonics’ “Strychnine,” almost on parwith The Cramps’ take on the classic.Pretty cool, and I’ll look forward to morereleases, but this isn’t essential. –Todd(Tear It Up)MAN WILL DESTROYHIMSELF: Consume...Be Silent... Die: CDEPBlender time. Get some aged whiskey,some later period Black Flag records, thefirst Corrosion of Conformity LP Eye foran Eye, and some old school East Coastrecords to top it off with some bile. Hitthe “on” switch and let it roar. Had tothrow in the COC reference since Reedplays drums in this band and does somevocal duties. His influences has to permeatethis project. Also you can hear thelove of Black Flag here. Seven songs togive you an alternative to the more rockstuff of COC that they have been puttingout lately. –Donofthedead (Man WillDestroy Himself)MANDA AND THE MARBLES:More Seduction: CDSome swell pop here, sick with hooksand overdriven guitars, the result soundingnot unlike a ballsier Go-Go’s. I’m notthat big on pop anymore, but I actuallyenjoyed this a hell of a lot. –JimmyAlvarado (Go Kart)MATT SKIBA &KEVIN SECONDS: Split: CDMatt Skiba (Alkaline Trio) and KevinSeconds (7 Seconds) sitting in a tree.Playing and singing five songs each,acoustically. –Donofthedead(Asian Man)MEANS, THE:Gimme the Creeps, Steve: 7”This record comes in a big fold-out silkscreenedsleeve with some snakes andeagles and dogs and pictures of bandmembersand a female form with a snakecoiled up in its uterus standing in front ofan inverted five-pointed star with wingsand the first song is that art-rock-meetsfake-bluesstuff that it looks like we’regonna hafta sit thru for like the next twoyears whether anybody wants it or not,the second song is like samples and stuff,the third song is a little more c/w-damagedand the fourth song has washboardsor something (that’s apparently a bigdeal). The liner notes were so seriousabout the band’s greatness that i wasgripped with an all-consuming horrorthat i had been recently guilty of thesame sin, causing me to dash off to thenearest Leg Hounds CD to see how big afuck i came across as therein (verdict:big enough). Here’s my favorite linernote bit: “The Means, to the best of myknowledge, are the only 83

and that can possibly ‘save’ rock. Orbury it.” My favorite part is the “or buryit” part. Yeah. Rock is just QUAKING inits fucking boots right now. Don’t buyany green bananas, Rock! BEST SONGTITLE: “Annex, (2)” ...i mean, DUDE,that is SOOO Dada and gnarly! BESTSONG: “Fitzpatrick” from what i canremember FANTASTIC AMAZINGTRIVIA FACT: Hey, i KNOW someonenamed Steve! –Rev. Nørb (Roostercow)MEXICAN BLACKBIRDS,THE: Ain’t Got the Time: 7” EPI spent an unduly large amount of timementally censuring this band for soundingat least moderately Pagans-y, yet notbeing clueful enough to realize that thesong title “Ain’t Got the Time” wasalready taken by those selfsame Pagans;eventual double-checking showed thatthe Pagans song of similar nomenclatureis actually called “HAVEN’T Got Thetime” and i regret the error (i also regretthe fact that the other three songs on thisrecord aren’t covers of “Haven’t Got theTime,” “Got the Time” by Joe Jackson,and “When I Get the Time” by theDescendents, simply because that wouldbe kinda funny) (we’ll let the ChambersBrothers go unmentioned for now). Foursongs from a five-piece, sounding like across between something the Chargersmighta done once (besides trading awaythe rights to Michael Vick) and some ofthe heavier, less-cartoony Rip Off bandsof yore (i’m tempted to say the Stipjes,but i actually no longer remember whatthat band sounded like), with the occasionalbackground blurt by the femaledrummer adding sort of a superficial Loli& The Chones garnish to things. Goodbut not superlative, as evidenced by thefact that i can’t think of a decent joke toend with that doesn’t involve invokingmental imagery of a Hispanic singing“Blackbird” by the Beatles. BEST SONGTITLE: “Blackout (With You)” BESTSONG: “Blackout (With You)” FANTAS-TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Recordlabel carries the message “PLAYLOUD.” Hey, thanks for the tip, Slick.–Rev. Nørb (Mexican Blackbirds)MINORITY BLUES BAND:Grab the FireSwinging in the Rain: CDWith a name like “Minority Blues Band”and an album title like this, I probablywould’ve passed on this album. But it’son Snuffy Smile and Snuffy Smile hasn’tlet me down yet. And, just like the namethrew me for a loop, the sound is throwingme all around the room. It’s a solidalbum and I can’t stop listening to it, butI’m having a hell of a time classifying it.I can’t think of any one band to comparethem to, and any combination of bandsthat I could merge together seems nonsensical,like: Minority Blues Band soundlike Snuff with Davey Tiltwheel on guitarcovering the Clash’s “Janie Jones”. See.It’s nonsense. Let’s just say that they playfast and urgent and every member of theband is going nuts while keeping the songtight, and they’d be the perfect band toopen up for a Dillinger Four tour ofJapan. –Sean Carswell (Snuffy Smile)MODERN MACHINES/THE FRAGMENTS: Split CDBeing a life-long resident of the fine stateof Minnesota, home of the Twins baseballteam, I probably sprouted an intestinalpolyp or two when I opened the jewelcase of this split CD and laid eyes on theold Milwaukee Brewers logo. Visions ofmy state’s own bin Laden, one Bud Selig,filled my mind. That cadaverousMortimer Snerd fell just a few bad wighairs short of turning my beloved Twinsinto nothing more than a bunch of bobbleheaddolls you buy on Ebay. Reviewingthis would be tough. I could feel my journalisticobjectivity bunching up on melike a pair of ill-fitting underpants. So Idecided to venture into the belly of thebeast, so to speak, and I went up into thenorthwoods of Wisconsin to listen to thisCD and jot down my impressions, hopingto counterbalance any biases I might haveregarding my neighboring state. Here’swhat I came up with: The Fragmentssound like a blue-light special SocialDistortion to me. Fast, energetic, solid.The Modern Machines come across asjust another mealy-mouthed, anemic poppunk band that writes songs to gainbrownie points with their period tantruminggirlfriends. But here again my Minn.bias is coming back into play: Living inthe home city of Dillinger Four –arguably the finest pop punk unit in thisgalaxy – I am spoiled on the intoxicatingblend of poppy melodies and brick shithousewalls of guitar that D4 produces onsuch a consistent basis. I also have to tossin a few negative Reading Is Fundamentalpoints on the Modern Machines side ofthe score card for crediting WilliamBurroughs for the line “Nothing is true,Everything is permitted” when the actualauthor of that line is Hassan i Sabbah. Ibet Jim Carroll knows that. Anyway, Igive the Fragments a win by TKO.–Aphid Peewit (New Disorder)MURRAY, CHRIS: Raw: CDNow live from his living room, you getChris and his acoustic guitar!–Donofthedead (Asian Man)NEEDIES, THE:Screaming and Violence: CDA more appropriate title would beBitching and Moaning: A Retrospective. Ihope he invested all his life savings in thisalbum, goes completely broke, and has toeat the cat he’s posing with on the insidecover. –Megan Pants (Slow Gun;)NEGATIVES, THE: Out in theCold + New Fun b/w Fight: 7”This starts with the god damn DUMBESTguitar solo i’ve ever heard in my life.Ever. At least on record. I played thebeginning twenty seconds or so of sideone like eight times in a row, just becausei couldn’t believe what i was hearing. Thefirst three or four times, i played it just toconfirm its amazing dumbness. The nextthree or four times, i played it just to tryto understand WHAT DRIVES A MANTO PLAY SUCH A GOD DAMN DUMBGUITAR SOLO??? The last time i playedit, i pretended the guy really wanted it tosound like that. Then i kinda liked it! It’sas if the guy is going for a whiz-bangRikk Agnew “No Way” type rockingrocker of rock lead, and due to sheer accident/incompetence,he winds up soundinglike a (very) poor man’s Greg Ginninstead. It’s actually kind of a beautifulthing, like a short school bus on a Maymorning perhaps. Anyway, the first songis called “Out in the Cold,” which isabout being out in the cold. Out of curiosity,i dialed 437-0123 immediately afterhearing it, and, being as the operator toldme it was 15 degrees Fahrenheit outsideand these hipsters are from Sonoma, CA,i couldn’t really get full tether on theirpain. Moving on, i wrangled with the lyricalsubtleties of “New Fun” (“I killed mybitch last night on some booze/punk rockcriminal with nothing to lose”) for quitesome time, eventually coming to the conclusionthat the song would be a fuckingCLASSIC except the guy said “bitch” too

many times. I mean, if the chorus isgonna go “the bitch is dead, the bitch isdead, got new fun ‘cause now she’sdead,” wouldn’t the verses be betterserved using a synonym for “bitch”instead? (er, sorry about the three-syllablewords) Sort of like that dopey linefrom – what was that Mentors songcalled, “Manhater” or something? – thatwent “all you lesbians, in your leatherand your spikes/all you are – is lesbiansand dykes!” I mean, really. DON’TTHINK THESE FINE POINTS OFORDER DON’T MATTER! The B-side,“Fight,” starts with the line “I’ll fight formy country,” then seems to veer off intolyrics where the fighting seems to be fora girl, then ends with “let’s get the boysand fight!!”, which confused me to noend: I couldn’t figure out if the seemingto-be-about-a-girlfighting lyrics wereactually metaphorically about fightingfor his country, or if the fighting-for-thecountrylyrics were actually metaphoricallyabout fighting for a girl, or the guyjust wanted to provide a helpfuloverview of many popular applicationsof the fisticuffs medium, but i eventuallygot perturbed enough that i took it offbefore the song was done. I mean, shootingyour girlfriend is one thing, but i certainlydon’t condone violence. BESTSONG TITLE: “New Fun” BESTSONG: “New Fun” AMAZING FAN-TASTIC TRIVIA FACT: This band isvery negative!–Rev. Nørb (Noma Beach)NEW CREATURES, THE:Penelope Flowers: CDApparently, this disc features the lastrecordings, done in the mid ‘80s andnever before available, of a band of Rusht-shirt-wearing teens from Dayton, Ohio.And that’s pretty much what it soundslike. Except that, even with the mousesizednuts Geddy Lee must have to getthat elfin helium voice, Rush had, even attheir most fanciful, more testicular mightthan these youngsters could ever dreamof. I am all for desecrating the overblownsanctity of the label “punk” but Ihave no idea why anyone would ever callthis punk. It sounds like the warmedoverhaggis of ‘70s progressive rock tome. I don’t know: was Uriah Heep punk?Regardless – I don’t know if I’ve everheard a less interesting, less exciting collectionof meandering tunes in my life.Unicorn Rock blows. Old Skull remainsthe undisputed king of Kiddie Punk.–Aphid Peewit (Smog Veil)NICOTINE: Samurai Shot: CDHere is a band that would be a perfect fiton the roster of Fat. Big production, greatmusic and they are from Japan! Since Fathasn’t put out anything by Hi-Standardin awhile, they would be a great signing.The music is a mixture of NOFX meetsBad Religion. A better example to thosewho might have heard of this band wouldbe Sweden’s Venerea. Infectiouslycatchy songs that are played to perfectionin the melodicore genre. You get twentyfivesongs, which is a lot of songs from aband that doesn’t play thrash, fastcore, orpower violence. A really good band thatdeserves the Warped Tour more thanmost. –Donofthedead (Asian Man)NIGEL PEPPER COCK:The New Way: CDIf you can take your eyes off the sexysexy artwork and get the damn disc in theplayer, you’ll thrill to some supremelywell-hewn synth-grind-meets-’80smetal,righteous hardcore and an allpointsCrass pisstake. The whole thing ispretty tongue-in-cheek and probablyevery song is a goof on something but Isuspect some of the jokes are lost on meand I don’t even care; it’s good anyway.–Cuss Baxter (Life Is Abuse)NO TREND: Tritonian Nash-Vegas Polyester Complex: CDMan, some really good reissues are comingdown the pike lately. This is a reissueof No Trend’s second album, and it’s stilla doozy. Another one of those bands thatdefy categorization, these guys fell alongthe same lines as Tragic Mulatto, ScratchAcid and early Butthole Surfers, meaningthat a wide variety of musical cuesare tapped and then destroyed with drugtingedwild abandon. The added hornsection on this album adds class to theensuing chaos. If you like your punkcompletely off the wall and sure to leaveyou guessing from one moment to thenext, you’d be a fool not to snatch thisup. Play it often and play it loud. –JimmyAlvarado (Touch and Go)PAVERS: Return to theIsland of No Return: CDThis schizoid little disc flip flopsbetween these tasty bits that sound like ametal-fortified Hank Rollins-era BlackFlag and these excruciating sectionsfilled with ghastly swirling syrupy vocalharmonies that go on and on and makesme think of squirming in the dentist chairwhile having my teeth drilled into withoutany Novocain. But it all kind of madesense when I read the liner notes and sawthat some guitar work was donated byone Gregg Ginn, whose musical tastesgot moldy in the back of the fridge sometimeback in the early ‘80s. This actuallygets worse the more I listen to it. –AphidPeewit (Boss Tuneage)PEGGIO PUNX:Discography: 2x CDOne of Italy’s finest gets the discographytreatment. Disc one gives you all theirrecorded output and the second disc ischock full of live recordings. Right therein time with Raw Power and CheetahChrome Motherfuckers, these guysestablished themselves in the Italianpunk scene circa early ‘80s. Upon hearinginternational bands during that time,you knew you were hearing somethingraw and special. The recordings are rawand could be have easily been recordedon a boombox. The drums always havethat bongo drum sound. The productionalways has a muffled effect to it. Thesame applies to these recordings, but onething that stands out is the uniqueness ofthe songs. The energy is genuine and it’smusic that is distinctive to its time andplace. A history lesson for those whoseek it. Back in the day, this would beenhard to get here in the states. Luckily,someone was smart to repress this to giveit life one more time. No need to keep themusic isolated to the people who canafford Ebay prices. –Donofthedead (SOA)PETER & THE TEST TUBEBABIES: Schwein Lake Live: CDA reissue of the band’s second livealbum, recorded in Munich on their 1995tour for the Supermodels album. Lotsaclassic tracks here done all nice andpurty and the band sounds great. Of noteare particularly good versions of “BlownOut Again” and “Spirit of Keith Moon.”–Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi)PIEDMONT CHARISMA:Piedmont Charisma: CDSweet merciful Christ. Here’s the recipe:combine equal parts The Faint withannoying synth-poppers from the early1980s – clone The Thompson Twins andSoft Cell to make sure the mix is right –then blend until smooth. Drink.Approximately fifteen minutes later, youwill feel a pressure in your bowels andafter rushing to the toilet to relieve yourself,you will find this record floating inthe bowl. Do yourself a favor and flushwithout retrieving it. –Puckett (Slave)PIRANHAS:Erotic Grit Movies: CDGodDAMN, is this one glorious mess.Imagine the Flesh Eaters having beingserved a serious beat-down by the unholytag team of a coked-out Pere Ubu andmeth-addled Stooges and you ain’t evenclose. This is music to get ugly by, musicthat will encourage you to tear shit upand go hog wild, music that prolongedlistening to might actually result in alengthy prison stay. Don’t believe me?Just give a listen to “Isolation” and tellme you don’t feel like kicking the neighbor’sannoying fucking cat for a 75-yardfield goal. –Jimmy Alvarado (In the Red)PLAIN WHITE T’S: Stop: CDAnother band putting an apostrophewhere it doesn’t belong. But I could forgivethat if this wasn’t such unabashedBon Jovi weenie rock. I realize thatWattie from the Exploited was a grade Achucklefuck from day one and he hasactually managed to become even moreof a dim-witted mean cartoon characterwith each passing year, but after listeningto the Plain White T’s I want to lockmyself in the basement, roll around inthe litter box and crank nothing butExploited discs for an entire week. Ohhow I long for ugly naked rock coveredwith warts and zits and boils and carbuncklesand un-wiped butt cracks.Calling this dreck “radio-friendly” is anunderstatement: this disc wants to tear itsclothes off, jump on top of your radio,and hump the daylights out of it. Yuck.–Aphid Peewit (Fearless)RADIO VAGO: Black & WhitePhoto Enterprise: CD EPWith two singles available on independentlabels and a long out-of-print D.I.Y.recording, Black & White stands asRadio Vago’s first CD release for nationalconsumption. The five songs includedare re-mixed and re-mastered from theband’s self-released, self-titled CD. Theguitar volume, vocals, and over-all soundquality is a definite improvement. With asound that is difficult to categorize,Radio Vago’s music seems to reflect abevy of diverse influences such as PattiSmith, Iggy, Joy Division, Gang Of Fourand the Screamers without ever soundingrecycled. The CD’s stand out track is asong about enforced gender rolls entitled“My New Suit” – a fast paced number onwhich every member’s contributionshines, from the loopy keyboard intro, tothe winding chorus that builds, to singerAdrienne Pearson’s impassioned cry“Every Sunday, my mommy tries to helpme and she makes me put on my stupiddress.” This EP is a worthy prelude ofgreater things to come. –Bob Cantu(Buddyhead)RAMBO/CRUCIAL UNIT: Split: 7”Rambo: First track is a East Coast moshfest that keeps the pit moving. The secondand third tracks blasts off like a laserguided missile aimed at a strategic target,ready for destruction. Crucial Unit: Moremanic and intense than Rambo. Thevocals are screamo and the beats fly by atlightning speed. You feel like you have tohold on for dear life. They definitely winthe speed contest here. Both bands hailfrom Philadelphia. The theme of the splitis bicycles. This was a great introductionto both of these bands for me.–Donofthedead (Ed Walters)RAMONES: Leave Home: CDThe second Ramones LP re-release fromRhino, including the original track #5cut, “Carbona Not Glue” that wasrecalled off the shelves in 1977 due totrademark infringements. Now it’s back,remastered, and blissfully louder thanever, with bonus cuts “Babysitter”(which was used to replace the re-called“Carbona” in the U.K.) and a sixteensongset of vintage Ramones blowingminds on 8/12/76 at the Roxy inHollywood. The booklet, like the rest ofthese, is an interesting introspective onthe history of Leave Home, completewith pics. Give that worn-out vinyl versionsome rest and test the limits of yourCD player with this one. Your disc playerwill thank you for it.–Designated Dale (Rhino)RAMONES:Rocket to Russia: CDRhino did a fine-ass job on this re-issueof the Ramones third LP – not only onthe music itself, but recreating the innersleeve of the original LP in the booklethere with all the cool John Holmstrom(one of the co-founders of the originalPunk zine of NYC) artwork. Bonustracks here include the U.K. 7” b-sideversion of “It’s a Long Way Back toGermany,” which was later recordedwith new drummer Marky on the Road toRuin LP, as well as an early version of“Needles & Pins.” Single versions of “IDon’t Care” and “Sheena Is a PunkRocker” are here, too, as well as thedemo, “Slug,” which appeared earlier onthe All The Stuff & More re-issues.Excellent job here. Need I tell you howmuch you want this? I thought not.–Designated Dale (Rhino)RAMONES: Road to Ruin: CDThis is the Ramones’ fourth LP inRhino’s series of re-introducingAmerica’s band to a new generation, aswell as making old fans smile even more.This shine, shine, SHINES. Yeah, fuck, Iknow – this is the LP that includes “IWanna Be Sedated.” But it’s also the LPthat houses “Go Mental,” “Bad Brain,”“I Don’t Want You,” “She’s the One,” “IJust Want to Have Something to Do,”and possibly one of the most perfectRamones songs ever laid down on a studioreel, “I’m Against It.” This is also theLP that showed the world that theRamones were capable of handling ballad-type-crooners,like the near-perfect“Questioningly” and their cover of“Needles & Pins.” Bonus cuts hereinclude producer Ed Stasium-recordedversions of “I Want You Around” and“Rock ‘N Roll High School.” The livefive-song medley from the film, “Rock‘N Roll High School” is here, too, aswell as an unreleased demo, “ComeBack, She Cried A.K.A. I Walk Out” andthe demo, “Yea, Yea” from the All TheStuff & More Volume 2 reissue. GodDAMN, I love this record. Share thelove, people, share the love. –DesignatedDale (Rhino)RAMONES:End of the Century: CDThis is Rhino’s re-issue of the terriblyunderrated fifth Ramones LP, originallybrought unto fans from85

Phil Spector back in 1979. I defy anyoneto listen to “This Ain’t Havana,” “AllThe Way,” “I Can’t Make It On Time,” or“Let’s Go” and not feel the need to pogo.This is also the LP that brought such livesetstaples like “Do You Remember Rock‘N’ Roll Radio?” as well as “Rock ‘N’Roll High School” and “Chinese Rock.”The bonus cuts here are really happenin’with demo versions of certain “Century”cuts, especially the bitchin’ version of“Danny Says.” Also included is the unreleased“Please Don’t Leave” demo andthe soundtrack version of “Rock ‘N’ RollHigh School.” Like crack, this recordwas always quite addictive, and nowwith this re-ish, I’m really hooked, and ifyou ain’t, that makes you a crack hooker.So there. –Designated Dale (Rhino)RAMONES:Pleasant Dreams: CDThe sixth Ramones LP, gloriously reissuedwith an assload of demos to boot.Demo cuts include a 1981 version of“Touring” which was re-recorded for the1992 LP, Mondo Bizarro and an alternateversion of the Get Crazy soundtrack cut,“Chop Suey.” There’s the demo versionof “I Can’t Get You Outta My Mind,”which was re-recorded for the 1989Brain Drain LP later on. And then there’sthe unreleased cuts: “Kicks to Try,”“Sleeping Troubles,” “Stares in ThisTown,” and “I’m Not An answer.” Thedisc tray even has the original LP coverartwork that was to be for the album.This is yet another classic Ramones slabthat was easily overlooked. Just listen to“All’s Quiet on the Eastern Front,” “YouDidn’t Mean Anything to Me,” or “She’sa Sensation,” not to mention “We Wantthe Airwaves” and “The KKK Took MyBaby Away.” I’ll bet dollars to HomerSimpson’s donuts that the blood’ll startpulsing rapidly through that jaded heartof yours. Play loud! –Designated Dale(Rhino)RAMONES: Self-titled: CDI’m actually surprised that no one here atthe ’Cake didn’t take a second or two toreview any of the Ramones re-issues thatRhino put out. Since the last eighteenmonths or so, Rhino has re-packaged thefirst eight LPs of Ramones studio fury,and I’ve felt like Howard Stern at a girlygirllesbian convention ever since. Thefirst four CDs hit the shelves in 2001 andthe next four discs in 2002. Being theeunconditional fan of the brothersRamone, I’m gonna take some time hereto tell all you sacrilegious simps whohaven’t picked this up yet (or any of theothers) just what you’re missing out on.Besides all fourteen songs of the originalLP re-mastered and roaring out of thestereo, you get early demos of some ofthis LP’s cuts and a coupla unreleasedtracks that were on the All The Stuff &More Volume One re-issue. Also includedis an early demo of “You ShouldNever Have Opened That Door,” later ontheir second release, Leave Home, andthe 7” version of “Blitzkrieg Bop,”which has a wonderful live essence toJoey’s vocal track. The booklet with thedisc, as with all the booklets includedwith these Ramones re-issues, containpics, history of the album’s creation, andcomplete lyrics. In this particular booklet,there are some pics that make itamazing to believe that the sameRamones’ debut that hit the world sometwenty-seven years ago is still wowingnew fans today. Fuckin’-A, it does.Rhino even took the paper trackinglabels from the original vinyl records andscreened them right onto all these reissueCDs themselves. Too fucking cool.If this record isn’t already in the “R” sectionof your vinyl collection, Rhino isgiving you a second lease on life to getone of the best reasons to listen to one ofthe best things to happen to rock’n’roll.–Designated Dale (Rhino)RAMONES:Subterranean Jungle: CDIt’s so fucking cool to see Rhino re-issuethis, ‘cause when the Ramones originallyreleased Jungle back in 1983, it endedup being their lowest-selling LP to date,thus making it a bit collectible being thatthere were not a whole lot of copies to bere-pressed. Anyone who discounts thisrecord is up to their tonsils in their ownshit, ‘cause Jungle still holds its own tothis day with Dee Dee’s “Time Bomb,”“Highest Trails Above,” “In the Park,”“Outsider,” and his collaboration withJohnny, “Psycho Therapy.” It’s no one’sfault but the listeners that this LP isn’tconsidered one of their “favorites.” I personallylove each and every Ramonesslab differently – but always unconditionally– because they consistently putout great albums. No, don’t argue – it’snot an opinion. It’s a fact. Fuck you verymuch. The bonus cuts here on Jungle, byfar, are some of the most rockin’ unreleaseddemos included with theseRamones re-issues, especially“Bumming Along,” which could haveeasily been put on the original Junglerelease. That song’s pure, unharnessed,locomotive-driven Ramones power, I’mtelling ya. Other unreleased tracks are“New Girl in Town,” “No One toBlame,” “Roots of Hatred,” and“Unhappy Girl.” There’s also the originalmix of “Indian Giver” and anacoustic version of the Jungle cut, “My-My Kind of Girl.” If you don’t own thisalready, Rhino’s definitely throwing youa bone, so go grab it, or you can massagemy bone, fucko. –Designated Dale (Rhino)RAMONES:Too Tough to Die: CDWith this eighth studio release, theRamones came back to plant their flag inthe asses of lame imitators, showing thatthey’ve always had a hard edge, and thisLP has more than declared that to be true.With the Rhino re-issue of Too Tough,you don’t only get this reclamation of theRamones roots, but a whole lotta bonusofferings like demo versions of a bunchof the LP’s cuts. Also included here arethe Dee Dee vocal versions of “PlanetEarth 1988,” “Danger Zone,” and “TooTough to Die,” which will want to makeyou start a pit on the freeway with yourvehicle. And let me just add that the DeeDee vocal versions add a new dimensionto these songs, not that Joey wasn’t fuckingkey to begin with, ‘cause he alwayswas. Some U.K. b-side singles “SmashYou” and the Stones cover of “StreetFighting Man” are here, too, as well asthe unreleased “Out of Here” and “I’mNot an Answer.” Every time I throw TooTough on the stereo it reminds me howthe Ramones kicked off their live showswith “Durango 95” from this LP. Magic.Absolute fucking magic. –DesignatedDale (Rhino)REACT/SPAZM 151: Split LPReact: Situated midway between HarumScarum and Discharge, you get the“we’re all fucked, let’s write songs aboutit” school, with bass-heavy drummingand tag teaming female-male voices. Itgets antsy and crusty, growly, andremains fast, but the drums and guitarscould have easily been taken directlyfrom ten other albums I currently ownand, frankly, don’t listen to much anymore. It made me really want to listen toMotorhead while their music had methinking of a serious movie, like All’sQuiet on the Western Front, acted outwith Muppets. I wasn’t quite feeling ithow they intended. Spazm 151:Hardcore’s a tough gig nowadays. It’s agenre that’s treated like it’s over anddone with, not only by the media, but80% of the bands that play it reflexively.I hear too many bands play straight-upMinor Threat of Youth of Today ripoffs,tooling those songs with as much verveas reciting the Gettysburg Address verbatimfor a disinterested class. Spazm 151,although not reinventing the wheel,sound like they mean what they play anddon’t come across like a Civil War reenactmentbattle done for benefit oftourists. Mean, angry, good stuff.–Todd (13 th Floor)REDEMPTION 87:All Guns Poolside: CDMan, I built up so much hate for everythingthat developed from the originalNew England youth crew scene I forgothow fucking good Youth of Today andsome of the others were. Taking YOTand the Cro Mags as starting points andthen not going anywhere else (except tothe Bad Brains and Negative Approachfor covers), R87 tears down the wallswith the best NYHC I’ve heard in manyyears and so what if it’s retro? I’malready tired of the bandana refestival, soI’ll chew on this until someone starts arevival of the classic work of Kilslug.–Cuss Baxter (Blackout!)REV. NØRB: Earth’s GreatestRocker!: CDWhere the hell do I start? Am I being setup here? Is this some kind of hazingstunt, just cuz I’m the dopey new guyhere? Rev. Nørb’s a fellow Razorcaker,for crissakes, not to mention a punk rockicon of the loftiest cosmic heft. Howdoes one even begin to approach Earth’sGreatest Rocker? Well, first let me state:I consider the Good Reverend to be anational treasure, at very least on parwith the hotly controversial GarrisonKeillor. Nørb’s tenure at MRR aloneshould garner him some sort of punk purpleheart. He was, perhaps along withGeorge Tabb and Mykel Board, the loneorgan of humor at that mummified institutionfor years. But I’ll be honest: I’vealways worried that Nørb might turnhimself into the Soupy Sales or TomGreen of punk rock. Severe timesdemand rash acts of buffoonery, Godknows. But Nørb is too valuable todeserve to be painted into a corner wherehe’s trapped slapping himself in the facewith lemon meringue pies over and overagain for the rest of his days. I mean,how many punk icons turned themselvesinto cartoons? It’s a staggering list withnames like Sid Vicious, Darby Crash, ElDuce – and the Bluto of punk, GG Allin– floating lifelessly around at the top.The Ramones were 100% cartoon charactersfrom the hey-ho-get-go. Butmaybe being a cartoon character is thenoblest way out. Fuck. What do I know?I’m a jug-headed retard of such breathtakinginsignificance that I’m not worthyof scrubbing Nørb’s soiled clown noses.But the more I listen to this CD, the moreI realize that my fears are unfounded – ifonly for the simple fact that Nørb isn’tjust slapstick and prat falls and funnyoutfits – there is a deucedly clever intellectat work here. The song “My DrumsAre Cooler Than Shit” alone whiskedaway any doubts I might’ve have. Nørbis sorta like a hyperactive Joey Ramone,if Joey had a brain bigger than awhoopee cushion and tackled lyrics havingto do with theology, Einsteinianphysics and the under appreciated valueof male ejaculant. Yes, in the pantheon ofEarth’s goofball demigods, Rev. Nørb’splace is secure. I’m just glad I gotthrough this review without using thewords “wacky” and “zany.” Oops–Aphid Peewit (Bulge)RIMLORD: Lord of the Rim: CDThe fact that I found myself completelyengrossed in reading the news that LisaMarie Presley and Nicholas Cage aredivorcing and totally ignoring the musiccoming outta my speakers while this wason does not say much about this releasethat can be construed as positive.–Jimmy Alvarado (No address)RIVETHEAD:City Sounds Number Five: 7”At first, Rivethead sounds like a bandthat plays pop punk along the same linesas mid-nineties Lookout Records bands.The singer has the raw, smoked-toomany-cigarettesvoice that’s not unlikeBen Weasel’s, and the melodies aren’ttoo far away from Green Day. I listenedto this once, and figured that I wouldn’tlisten to it any more. Something compelledme to give it another chance, andthe second time I heard these songs, Istarted singing along. Not to the lyrics.Just mumbling similar sounds withoutnoticing that I was doing it. Then, I startedlistening to this on a daily basis. Ican’t say why. There’s just somethingmore to this. It’s too rough to be genericpop punk. It’s too honest to be genericanything. On repeated listens, a morecomplex array of influences start showingtheir faces. I hear bits of The Strikehere, a taste of the Arrivals there, and anaspiration of Dillinger Four hanging inthe air over it all. It’s good stuff. –SeanCarswell (Tracks House)ROCKET FROM THE CRYPT:Live from Camp X-Ray: LPWhen Circa Now! sunk into my craniumlast decade, perhaps it coincided with mebuying a shotgun and finding a dishwasheron the side of the street to shootmere hours later and perhaps whiskey isa dandy sponge to soak memories in, butthat was a fuckin’ album. Heat, heart,rock’n’roll, throb, soul. It focused whatPaint As a Fragrance hinted at and madea smart bomb laser beam to the happyspots in my brain. That melding ofTanner, the Saints, and Lou Rawls withdips into pot-happy psychedelia that didn’tblow, but had a horn. Yeah.Successive Rocket records – from AllSystems Go! through Cut Carefully andPlay Loud – definitely had choice cuts –but lacked that all-important end-to-endplayability for me. I listened with half anear, always impatient for certain songs.None of those LPs roared out of my car’sopen door as we shot the fuck out ofwhatever unlucky appliance was left outon any curb in a ten mile radius. Livefrom Camp X-Ray’s a fuckin’ ball stompby well-seasoned players not fuckingaround with anything except playingtheir hearts out. Fat’s trimmed. Art forart’s sake is left on the out-takes reel.Veteran power. Lifer credibility.Newcomer energy. Wonderfully actualizedsongs. Thick swagger, shithappyhornysound, boogie you can sweat to,just by listening along. These hard-workingmofos are kinda like James Brownwithout the wife beat-87

ings and drive-by shootings ordered byGod. Highly recommended. –Todd(Swami)ROCKING HORSE WINNER,THE: Horizon: CDIf I ever had any punk rock cred, I’mpretty sure that admitting that I love thisrecord and that it’s about the only thingI’ve listened to (besides Roxy Music) inthe last week would eliminate it. So be it.I don’t care if Jolie Lindholm sang on aDashboard Confessional record (as ahuge black sticker on the cover art proclaims– one of the worst marketingmoves I’ve seen in music), although thatseems to be a major selling point for thisrelease. All I care about is that this albumsounds like four 1991/1992-era shoegazers(cf. Revolver) ditched classes atOxford long enough to write ten songsabout loss, longing and heartache.Lindholm’s vocals swoop and soar overthe lilting guitar riffs like drunken songbirdsscattering before a storm and lookingfor a place to wait out the rain. Andreally, the songs are quite beautiful, perfectfor comp tapes that fourteen-yearoldboys make to give to girls who don’tknow they exist. Heads up guys – this willget her attention. –Puckett (Equal Vision)ROTTERS, THE:Wrench to the Nuts: CDSweet holy fuggin’ Christ, someone helpme pick my brains up offa the floor….This, my fine-feathered friends, is whyyou should never, EVER count out theold farts, ’cause just when you leastexpect it, they come up from behind yoursmug ass and whop you upside your flatnoggin’ with a Mack truck. Mostly new,all-of-’em-glorious tracks from thesescene vets, and also the first release by anactive lineup in at least two decades. Allvenom, bile and virulence belched forth,blowing all the cobwebs offa this Trojanhorse and sending it out into the midst ofthe misguided hardcore hordes to help’em see the light and learn ’em whatpunk rock SHOULD be, namely somethingthat would get any kid groundedfor ten years just for owning a copy. Mygod, who’d a-thunk these guys werecapable of such a monster? Sure, thosesingles were swell, and that “Pull It andYell” disc wasn’t too shabby, but goodlord, this is soooooo beyond merelyupping the ante. We’re talking pure sonicbombast here, a metaphorical BAMBAM BAM BAM to the cranium, a reasonto trash your bedroom for no reason,a reason to slap your little sister silly justfor bein’ alive. If you have any sense leftin that puny little brain of yours, you’llrush out, make a copy of this your own,proudly display it someplace visible andtake your lumps when your parents findout you wasted your lunch money onsuch “filth.” Recommend it? Hell, I’dbuy each of you a copy if I had enoughmoney. –Jimmy Alvarado (Dionysus)RUNNAMUCKS:On the Brink: CDI have a headache and it has gottenworse. I needed something soothing andcalm to listen to. What I got was a blastof music that was a thrash cocktail ofearly Gang Green meets the Neos andwith the sucker punch of Black Flag. Thedrums are played so fast that they almostblur out of attention. Tempos changefrom manic speeds to drop-on-a-dimestops to mid tempo jams. The guitarbuzzes with a nasty energy that makesme imagine that they might be bleedingfrom all the friction off the strings.Vocals are screamed the old fashionedway. True musicianship shows by theirability to write songs that are fast andinteresting. Some bands in this genretend to be repetitive and generic. Thisband seems to have taken great stakes towrite songs that are not overly focusedon the thrash aspect but the power of thesong. But the thrash they do play. Theycan hold their own against anyone. Ihave been taken back in time to the early‘80s. So much torture with so muchenjoyable pain. Listening to new musicwas a bad idea. I’m going to go get a beerand some aspirin to calm down from thisexperience. –Donofthedead (Runnamucks)SAMUS: Desengano: CDThis is either a joke or a mistake, ’causewhat is on this disc is Hawaiian weddingmusic. My computer identifies it asbeing a compilation called “A PlaceCalled Hawaii.” Pop it out, looks like itshould’ve been anything but a Hawaiianrecord. Fuck, it ain’t even cool Hawaiianmusic. Just some lame crap white peoplein ugly shorts would probably buy in asouvenir shop so that they can relive themoments when the photos come backfrom the developer. Ugh. (Jimmy, thelabel emailed me. Yeah, it was a fuckupat the pressing plant and I was supposedto tell you, but I thought it’d be funny ifyou liked it. I’m an asshole like that.–Todd) –Jimmy Alvarado (Crucial Blast)SAVAGE REPUBLIC:Box Set: 4X CDBack when the battle lines were still justbeing drawn between different factionsof punk rock and the ridiculous level ofpigeonholing prevalent today was still inits infancy stages, some bands were hellbenton not fitting into any one mold.Savage Republic was one such band, onethat created an unholy mélange of hardcore,industrial noise, proto-goth deathrock, surf and Middle Eastern drone andsomehow made it work. Over the courseof nearly a decade, they played a slew ofshows and released four studio albums, acouple of live albums, a few EPs and ahandful of singles before calling it quitsin 1989. Collected here are the bulk oftheir studio recordings, including theTragic Figures, Ceremonial, Jamahiriya,and Customs albums, the Trudge EP andassorted singles and compilation tracks,all of which have been damn hard to findfor quite a while now, and now all packagedin individual, full-color letterpressedenvelopes not unlike the coversthe original releases came in. Although,in hindsight, some comparisons can bemade to some of their contemporarieslike the Swans and early Sonic Youth, theband’s sound is still as singular, revolutionaryand wholly difficult to classify aswhen they were still a consistently activeband. If you like your punk a little moreadventurous than the next guy, youwould be hard pressed to find more satisfyingtuneage, ’cause not only is thisstuff all over the map, it’s consistentlygood, a rare feat for any band. If you likeyour punk to sound just like SocialDistortion, Blink 182 or whatever spikyheadedboy band is hot this week, you’rein the wrong scene, my friend. Might Isuggest heavy metal? They LOVE conformityover in that camp. –JimmyAlvarado ()SCARDEY CAT/APATHETICYOUTH: This Is LA,Not the South Bay: Split 7”I’m fearful yet attracted to Scaredy Catbecause I get the feeling they’ve got agood sense of humor, like Spazz did, butI’m not a hundred percent sure where itends. The first song, “Flag Football,”melts Iron Maiden with Charles

Bronson: rippin’ metal licks and thevocalist shows no fear of slipping intofalsettos. But the other four tracks arestraight anvils-to-the-nads, three-hooksin-three-secondsthrash that are seamlessand sound angry but have titles like“Don’t Stub Your Toe on the Little Guy.”Good stuff. Apathetic Youth are straightaheadangry, have clean vaginas in theirthank you list, and have full comprehensionof pile-driving thrash villains likeLos Crudos, Neos, and Vitamin X. Nofault in that. –Todd (No Label)SEED: (If I Can Catch a) BabyRainbow: 7” EP...on first blush, the title track appearedto be virtually musically identical to“Here Comes a Regular,” the essentiallyacousticballad that ends theReplacements Tim album, but, with theonset of the ill-pitched vocals, i realizedi was errantly playing the record on thewrong speed – which isn’t the punchline, the punch line is that i was actuallyplaying it TOO FAST. To keep the ghostof Tim Yohannan off my ass, i willrefrain from further coverage of the songin question; i mean, this is the sort ofthing that makes Oasis sound like they’rehung like John Holmes. The handwrittenletter which accompanied this record onits transatlantic zig-zag from England tomy turntable conceded that the title trackis “a bit mellow,” but that the EP had a“double A” side (oh, well, in THAT casei guess everything’s all right!), and that ifi/we played “Ammonia,” i/we would“see” where they were “coming from.”So, i dunno. I guess they come fromAmmonia, England. All i heard of note in“Ammonia” was a DK-style bass riff (theEnglish have some peculiar obsessionwith the Dead Kennedys, apparentlyAmerica’s Only Punk Band, Ever)played a la grunge, so, by and large, i’dgive the A-side an F and the AA-side aC-minus or something; what’s completelyunexpected though is that what i guesswould be the BB-side (Side 2, Song 2) –“Here It Comes” – rates a solid B, kindof like a dirtier-sounding Flop minus thepop genius bits, and the B-side (which isactually on the A-side – don’t look at me,i didn’t tell them to drive on that side ofthe road), “Girlfriend,” is actually an A-minus! It’s some kinda benign collisioninvolving Brit-pop, Alt-rock, and Punky-Pop that actually makes one muse onwhether or not this band is stockpiledwith a vast array of Songs That Don’tSuck and just stuck crap on their alleged“A” and “AA” sides because they wereconfused about their sexuality, or if theband actually DOES suck, and just gotlucky with the “B” and “BB” sides. Iplayed “Girlfriend” four or five times ina row and came up with no definiteanswers, not even whether or not therecord’s dirty-ish sound was a result ofpunky disdain for fidelity or merely theshortcomings of the 7” 33 format... butwith a name like “Seed,” one might bewell advised to err on the side of caution.WORST SONG TITLE: “(If I Can CatchA) Baby Rainbow” BEST SONG:“Girlfriend” FANTASTIC AMAZINGTRIVIA FACT: Letter enclosed withrecord proudly states “Limited edition –200 violet vinyl. That’s HEAVY violetvinyl!” The scale at the post office saysthe vinyl alone does, in fact, weigh a fullthree ounces – that’s more than twice asheavy as most leading brands!–Rev. Nørb (Rabbit In The Rain)SHARP EASE, THE: T-Spin: 7”The title track reminds me ofPsychocandy-era Jesus and Mary Chain,except fronted by some ladies: more fuzzthan a shaggy mohair sweater, sexy drippingsof vocals, restrained keyboard,inviting guitar. “Lick My Ass” has thekeeper of a line, “If you’re going togonna lick my pussy, you’re gonna lickmy ass.” Then the word “lick” is repeateda bunch. It almost sounds like a nasty,finger-jamming Bjork. Not a bad worldto live in. “Rock’n’Roll Detox” pulls theerotic dancing pole of the Pixies betweentheir legs and starts swinging around.Occasional high squeaks, down tobreathy Kim Deal interludes, dappledwith smooth, heated guitar bursts. Not abad (debut?) at all. –Todd (Soft Spot;)SLOPPY SECONDS:Destroyed: CDI already owned this album on cassette afew years ago, and it was starting to getwarped from being played so manytimes. Naturally, when I saw it had beenre-released on CD, I had to snatch it up.The sound is clearer and better, but stilltight, still very much Sloppy. These guyswere writing joke songs and funny lyricslong before bands like the Vandals andGuttermouth, but their songs aren’t justsilly. They have good melodies, andthey’re fun to sing along with. After listeningto the album the first time, youmight think that Sloppy Seconds soundlike other bands (the Vindictives, forinstance), and then you have to realizethat Sloppy Seconds came out with thesesongs long before those other bands. Forthose of you who missed Destroyed thefirst time around, pick up a copy of there-release. It’s just as good today as itwas back in the days of the audiocassette.–Felizon (Coldfront)SMALLTOWN: Fall into Line: 7”Some bands have it. Most don’t. It. Youknow, that spark that wakes the monster.That chord that ignites a roar. Thatphrase that makes you go “shit yeah” andyou find yourself yelling happily at yourrecord player for being so good to youtoday. You dance a little retarded dance.Smalltown’s somehow nailed the bright,jangly, slashy guitars of frantic Jam andhooked into a fresh keg tapped withfoaming modern oi. (Let the liquid layerand get real pretty in a glass as the bubblessettle, with flashes of the Swingin’Utters when they strut through coolflourishes and grinning mid-pace punksteadiness on top of songs reminiscent ofthe Dropkick Murphys pride-swellingbar thumpings {before they resorted tosongs about fucking fat girls}.) I don’tquite get how bands like Smalltown canapproach a form of music that’s been adead end for so many before them (admitit, the last couple of Stiff Little Fingersrecords were such huge stinking logs,they wouldn’t even flush), and make itall fierce and bouncy again, like it’d justbeen born. A trio of Swedes pulled it off.This is excellent. –Todd (Bridge)SOLO DOS EN TIJUANA:El Mango y la Luna Caribe: CDTom Waits and Manu Chao meet up at aNico concert and decide to make analbum together. –Jimmy Alvarado()SOUTH BAY BESSIE:Self-titled CDOn the CD there’s the same picture – agiant octopus attacking a ship – that wason the cover, but in sepia tones. I likedthat. The music itself was pop punk thatdidn’t stand out in any way. I didn’t likethat. –Megan Pants (Code Seven)SPITS, THE: Self-titled: CDThe boys from Washington return to givethe kids more thick-skulled thud punkwith just a smidge of keyboards. As canbe expected, the resulting tuneage providedhere is top notch, mandatory listeningfor anyone with even a passinginterest in punk rock. –Jimmy Alvarado(Slovenly)SPITTING TEETH:Don’t Believe the Hype: 7”I don’t listen to a lot of straight-aheadhardcore anymore. Sometimes it seemslike there’s only so much that you can dowithin the parameters of a minute-longsong. You can only be so fast and sodivergent when you’re stuffing eightsongs into a seven-inch. But bands stillcome along and add new wrinkles tohardcore, and when they nail it, it’s fuckingcool. Spitting Teeth is one of thosebands. They find ways to let a little airbreath into a fast-as-hell song and throwcool bass lines or drum fills into the wallof noise. They’re like DS-13 in that way.And, like Negative Approach, they dohave a lot of power and anger withoutbeing overwhelming. Most importantly,even though they stick within the parametersof minute/minute-and-a-half longsongs and they do have an eight-songseven-inch here, they also find somethingnew within those parameters.–Sean Carswell (Havoc)STEREOTYPERIDER:Same Chords. Same Songs.Same Six Strings: CDI’m in a state of personal disagreement.The music presented before me is aunique blend of melody, interestingchord progressions, and inter-personallyrics. What I don’t feel is the energy. Ican’t define the non-interest besides that.Oh well... –Donofthedead(Suburban Home)STEVE VON TILL: If IShould Fall to the Field: CDDon’t think even the most stalwart oftweakers would be able to make itthrough this album without nodding off.Painfully mellow in all the wrong ways.–Jimmy Alvarado (Neurot)STILLWELL: Don’t Face aProblem... Burn It: CDI thought it was the band from AlmostFamous, but it’s the band from “AlmostAmRep 1990” doing a disjointed-musicand-lyrics,Chicago thing that’s interestingfor the short period between when itstarts and when it becomes clear there’sjust too much of it (so much, in fact, thatmany of the measures have five beatsinstead of four. Humans have two legsand so can’t dance properly in 5/4 time).–Cuss Baxter (Hewhocorrupts, Inc.)STITCHES, THE:Twelve Imaginary Inches: CDThe Stitches had me 50-50 until I sawthem several years back at a Shakedown.They bruised, shouted, and creeperedthrough a beer-glass-to-the-head set inVegas. The crowd was rabid, seething formore. The Stitches’ set time was up, butthey didn’t stop playing. Lohrman’s micwas cut. Without vocals, he picked up alittle red plastic cup and shouted throughit like an itty bitty megaphone as theband ripped through another. The crowdsang along so loudly and shot so muchenergy back at the band that during thelast chorus, the mic was flicked back onand – while not necessarily a love fest –it was a real rock’n’roll moment where

the audience became the fifth member ofthe band. Everything was blasted in temporaryalcoholic bliss. In the years following,The Stitches have alternatelyimpressed and bored the fuck out of melive, depending if they’re fighting oneanother, depending if they can stand up.Coke variables, emotional stability, thatsort of thing. This album is as close to theperfect live set the Stitches are capableof, then laying it to tape and making surethe drummer keeps time. It’s just short ofhaving Johnny kicking you straight in thechest if you’re standing too close. Myfavorite full length release by them.Check the little box by name. I’m abeliever. –Todd (TKO)STOOL SAMPLE/THE SCHITZ:Baptism in Jism: Split 7”Stool Sample is pretty much a crustymetal punk band that sings about themost offensive things they can. They arelocal and I must say that I enjoy going tosee their show when they play. The threesongs on here, though, aren’t anything toshake a stick at. Pretty straightforwardwithout their usual gross out novelty.Being a big fan of toilet humor, I wasdisappointed. Then there are The Schitz.They are a good version of Stool Samplethat doesn’t need the bathroom motif toput out good music. They are musicallywhat I wish Stool Sample was. Fast,slightly metal, snotty punk. They alsohave three songs, which makes this 7 “ athrifty deal. –Toby Tober(Stool Sample/The Schitz)SUPERCHARGER:Singles Party 1992-1993: CDThis is six Supercharger 7”s convenientlypackaged together. Anyone who’stried to get any of the single releasesknows how impossible (or expensive) itis, so this was my first time hearing asome of the stuff on here. Funny factabout this is that the masters were longgone by the time they put this together,so Greg Lowery taped them directlyfrom his record player. My favoriteSupercharger song, “Don’t Mess MeUp,” is here, along with songs theyapparently weren’t all that happy with inretrospect – the Rezillos cover. A greatalbum to pick up while you hang on tothe hope of finding the originals.–Megan Pants (Rip Off)SWEET JAP/DAS BOOT: split 7”When Flipside entered into the multiyearpublishing hiatus that they’re currentlywallowing in, I was left with abunch of releases from the Flipside, noone-wants-to-review-thispile. I didn’teven listen to most of the stuff. I juststuck it in a shoe box to await a less discriminatingtime in my life. A fewmonths ago, I finally went through thebox to see if I was missing out on anygems, and I found this seven-inch. Thecover is really vague and arty, and it tookme a while to figure out which bandswere on it, but I figured out that SweetJAP was one of the bands. I knew thatname because, if I’m not mistaken, thesinger of this band is the guy who did theintro to the newest D4 album. I’d heardgood things about them, so I figured Ishould give this record a spin. I wasblown away. It’s like finding a fifty dollarbill in the pocket of a jacket that youhaven’t worn for years. Sweet JAP playtight and trashy rock’n’roll that’s reminiscentof the early Replacements in itscatchy rawness and reminiscent ofTeengenerate in its ability to make yourstereo sound like it’s in the middle of aspeaker-blowing orgasm. The Das Bootside is good, too. It’s also trashy rock-’n’roll, but more in the vein of the NewBomb Turks at their best. As you canprobably tell, though, it’s the Sweet JAPside that’s got me going nuts. So, yeah,this release is a couple of years old butwhat the hell? A gem is a gem. Check itout. –Sean Carswell (Nice & Neat)SWITCHBLADE KITTENS:Hey Punk! Try Heroine(s): CDI don’t think there are enough all-girl orgirl-fronted bands that suit my taste, soI’m always on the lookout for new onesthat won’t disappoint me. I was prettyhappy to come across the SwitchbladeKittens’ new six-song CD. What’s interestingabout this band is that there are noguitarists. There are three bass players,one drummer, and a female vocalist. Inno way does this impede their sound,though. In fact, knowing this and listeningto the music, you can’t help but feela little impressed at the way the bandpulls it off. The songs are fun and catchyand maybe more pop than punk, but theystill rock. The first time I listenedthrough the six songs, it occurred to methat the experience was kind of like whenyou’re watching a bad movie made for ateen audience, but the soundtrack hasenjoyable songs with cool female vocals.Turns out that “All Cheerleaders Die”(the second one on the CD and myfavorite one to bop along with) is thetheme song for a horror flick of the samename. I do have one complaint. It isnever a good idea to cover any sappytheme song from any sappy movie, particularlythe embarrassing, awful Titanic.And Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will GoOn” still sucks ass no matter who tries togive it a twist. That’s okay, though. I stillwant to hear more from the Kittens.–Felizon (Switchblade Kittens)TEMPLARS: Phase II: CDAhh, that’s more like it. A resissue of theband’s second album. Great songs onhere, all done nice and purty with thatjangly-guitar sound that has sincebecome one of their trademarks. Ifyou’re into the bald boy rock thang, thisis easily one of the last decade’s brightspots in a pigeonhole that has been otherwisemighty scarce on quality music inrecent years. Recommended. –JimmyAlvarado (GMM)THIRTY–TWO FRAMES:Self-titled: CDJay Palumbo’s past in Elliott (particularlythe elegiac False Cathedrals) wouldn’thave led me to believe that he’d beinvolved with a straight-forward hardcorerecord, but here it is, sounding equalparts young Ian MacKaye, Reach TheSky, Unitas and Endpoint (among othermusical reference points). This is a punkrecord in the sense that it wonders howpeople get so anesthetized, so dull andbland. It’s not explicitly political in thesense that it shouts “Fuck Bush” at everyturn, but rather in the sense that it challengesreceived ideas (religion in “SaintsStolen,” consumer culture in“Affluenza”) and offers suggestionsabout what questions to ask to beginfinding the answers. This disc alsoincludes a rather rockin’ reinterpretationof Tom Petty’s “I Need to Know.”–Puckett (Revelation)TOMMY AND THETERRORS: On the Run: 7” EPI have a lot of respect for these guys.They drove through a bad snow storm toplay a Grange Hall in Maine to an audienceof about four. And they played likethe place was full. This 7” is right on par.

They play tight and clean, not reallymessing around. Just straight up good ol’punk with a little rock influence. A nicetaste if you haven’t heard them yet, or agood addition if you have. –Megan Pants(TKO)TORG: Hot Yogurt Enema: CDFrom the letter attached to the CD: “wedo understand that not everyone will likeour music but are hoping that if youdon’t like it you could at least make thereview as funny as possible so that wecould still post it on our website.” Imean, WHAT the FUCK am i supposedto do NOW??? All i really know is thatbefore i listened to this, i looked at thecover and thought “hmm...this graphicdesign evokes the look of the Meet theBeatles album cover.” Fifty minuteslater, when the lumberingpunk/rock/metal/bodily function assaulthad ceased, i looked at the cover again –two flabby bruisers in Sloppy Seconds’weight class, the first holding microphonesboth fore and aft to the secondgentleman, ostensibly to capture thesonic rapture of his dual-ended gas passing– and my first thought was that iwished it was a three-hundred-poundchick on there instead, so they could adda third mic and go for thefart/belch/queefe trifecta (i guess it’ssorta like i heard San Diego described –you lose forty IQ points just stepping offthe plane). The one legitimately brilliantsong in this showcase of suavity is “NotQuite a Love Song (Clam Slop),” whichsounds, almost unbelievably, like ElDuce fronting the Jimi HendrixExperience. I’ll put this on at a party atleast once before i die, but if it gets takenoff ten seconds into song #2, i won’tthrow the first punch, especially notwhen i still can’t figure out whetherthey’re the Rancid Vat or the Horshacksof the new millennium. BEST SONGTITLE: “Burping up Barf” BESTSONG: “Based on a True Story” or “NotQuite a Love Song (Clam Slop) AMAZ-ING FANTASTIC TRIVIA FACT: Thesinger’s name is “G.G. Duce,” but,unconscionably, no member’s name is“Peter Torg.” –Rev. Nørb (Clambake)TOXIC NARCOTIC:We’re All Doomed: CDDo this: take a sock (like a thick sock,not one of those thin dress ones), fill itwith chestnuts (also walnuts would beokay), soak it in adrenaline, duct tape itto the ceiling fan, put the fan on the highspeed (generally done by pulling thechain), then stand on a chair so the sockhits your face when it goes around. ToxicNarcotic is a better Poison Idea thanPoison Idea was most of the time.–Cuss Baxter (Go Kart)TOY DOLLS:Fat Bob’s Feet: CDAlbum number seven gets the reissuetreatment and those of us who wrotethese guys off a long time ago get a secondchance to vindicate themselves, singalong to classics like “Bitten by a BedBug,” “The Sphinx Stinks” and “Back in79” and once again marvel at Olga’s formidablefretwork. Tacked on for goodmeasure are both sides of the “TurtleCrazy” single. –Jimmy Alvarado(Captain Oi)TOY DOLLS: Wakey Wakey: CDA reissue of the Dolls’ sixth studioalbum, this is a vast improvement overthe previous debacle, Bare Faced Cheek.Out of favor on this bad boy is unmemorable,uninspired songwriting and backin vogue are instant classics like“Cloughy Is a Bootboy” and first-ratecovers of ”No Particular Place to Go”and the classical staple “Sabre Dance.”Add to that a tight as hell performanceand Olga’s surgeon-precision punk guitarpyrotechnics and what more could oneask for? Recommended. –JimmyAlvarado (Captain Oi)TRANSPLANTS, THE: Travisfrom Blink 182 and TimArmstrong’s Crappy Band “Hey,Look, We Are on MTV”: CDI can imagine how this CD came about.Travis, the drummer/ guy who looks outof place in Blink 182 is sick of being bestknown for being in a TRL band, so hecalls Tim Armstrong of Rancid, thinkingTim will lend a sympathetic ear. Duringthe call, they decide to form a band toshow that they still have street cred orsomething. They call a guy with neck tattoosand a shaved head because he willlook really tough in the photo and recordsome stuff that the kids will like now thatSlipknot is all big, which pretty muchends up in something that I would haveliked when I was seventeen and thoughtanything ripping off Big Black was cool.And yes, I see the irony of this storystarting off with a drummer trying toseem cooler that ends up with soundinglike a band with a drum machine. But doTHEY? Hmm, okay, I must admit that Iwrote that all during the first song. Thenext song seemed an exercise on writingsongs based on the ability to use expletives(hey, it’s 2002, the word “fuck”effects me as much as “hey”), and then,um, well. Tim Armstrong was in Op Ivy,right? And his label puts out a lot of goodmusic, right? You would think he wouldknow a thing or two about what soundslike good punk rock music. Or, youwould, until you listen to this. This is notvery punk, but that isn’t such a crime somuch as it’s also not good. This is one ofthose weird cases when someone soundslike they are ripping off the bands thatwere influenced by them. Anyway,Travis should stick to showing off howhe has big fancy SUVs in entertainmentmagazines and Tim should stick toputting out good music, whether or not ithas him on the cover. –Rich (Hellcat)TREEBERRY’S:Talkin’ about Treeberry’s: LPIf you haven’t noticed, Japan has themost fanatic fans out there. Take thisband for example. This three piece playsan authentic version of ‘60s pop rock.Very reminiscent of the early Beatles anda band I remember my dad listening to asa child, the Mindbenders. It sounds like itwas recorded live in a studio setting onan old two-track recording machine, likethe bands of that time. A Hammondorgan is incorporated at times to add tothe appeal. The songs are so bubblegum,you can’t help yourself from grinninglike a child who has had too much sugar.Pretty cool and groovy in my book.–Donofthedead (Sounds of Subterrania)TSUNAMI BOMB:The Ultimate Escape: CDWasn’t sure what I was in store for. Ihaven’t been that much of a fan of whathas come out of the Kung Fu roster latelybut I am a sucker for female ledvocals. I popped this sucker on withapprehension and was truly delightedwith what was forced into my ears. Ithought in my head that I hear the musicof AFI meets the Dance Hall Crashers.Fun stuff through and through. Songs areextremely melodic but forceful. Makesme giddy with childish delight.–Donofthedead (Kung Fu)TUSK: Get Ready: CDHonestly, I used to really like this kind ofmusic. But then I went to a few too manyblack metal shows and had to bear thecompany of a few too many dolled-updorks in studded leather turtlenecks andvarious other “scary” wardrobe accessoriesand I’ve never been able to takethis shit seriously ever since. This probablysounds just like a gazillion otherdoomy dark metal bands out there that Idon’t ever want to know about, but theparts I like the best remind me of theFartz or the Accused with a littleIntegrity mixed in for good satanic measure.Heavy, vomitous, and oozing withbeelzebubbling white heads – all with adecidedly “the devil is cool” bent. Crustpunks and grind metal kids will eat it upand then stab themselves to death withtheir sporks. I hope. –Aphid Peewit(HeWhoCorrupts)ULTRA MAROON:Lifeless Like Blood: CDI first saw these guys over a year ago at aday show that ended up getting crazy andI was five hours late for work the nextday and still drunk, but that’s anotherstory. I was blown away by UltraMaroon. They’re a two-piece out ofTucson featuring Mike on guitar with abig ol’ pedal board and Dicky from themuch missed Blacks on drums. That’s it– just drum and guitar. Well, Mike yellssome guttural noises on some songs andit’s so damn good. It just makes me wantto dance instead of write about it.–Megan Pants (Star Time)VACANCIES, THE:Gutpunch: CDDecent punk rock and roll in the DeadBoys/Thunders vein. (Which, you shouldall know, is preferable to the Stooges,MC5 vein, but I digress, and probablyearn myself some enemies in theprocess.) Of course, the kids inCleveland have their priorities straight!(Are you sick of my Midwest pride yet?Too bad!) After awhile, I got a littlebored with the CD; but I bet this band isfun live. If this were a cereal, it’d beChex. Pretty good! –Maddy (Smog Veil)VANISHING, THE:In the Bat Haus: CD-ROdd. I can see why people have comparedthem to Siouxsie and theBanshees, but I would add in somewatered down St. Vitus and a bit ofSNL’s “Church Lady,” to boot.Atmospheric, haunted house organmusic with shlocky punk trimmings andnice out-of-tune singing. Strange. I thinkI might like this if I was drunk and had acrush on one of the girls in the band.–Aphid Peewit (Cochon)VARIOUS ARTISTS:Addicted to Oi!: CDTouted as a new addition to the originaloi compilation series, this puppy evenincludes liner notes by Gary Bushell hisself.Most of the tracks on here are amazinglygood, considering how utterlycrappy this genre has become, especiallyin recent years. All of the tracks are new,many are unreleased. In order,Discipline: imagine the Vanilla Muffinswith the gruff singer of the 4-Skins upfront. Cockney Rejects: Vocals lack theintensity of the first couple o’ albums,but the song itself, a ditty with a requisitechorus that would make a good terracechant, ain’t too shabby. Argy Bargy:Thought their last album was slightlyabove okay, but this is a nice bit of virulentviciousness with throat shreddingvocals. The Business: Dude, it’s thefucking Business, for chrissakes. Do Ireally need to rant on about how goodthis track is? Let’s just say you couldsandwich it between any of their “classic”tracks on a mix tape and no onewould ever notice. Klasse Kriminale:Loud, brash, brief, up-tempo and melodicin all the right ways. The Filaments:Hate most modern ska anymore, thanksto radio over-saturation, but dug thissong lots. Fuck the pigs, indeed.Deadline: Reminds me a little of the oldLA band the Eyes, only with louder guitars.Nice ballsy pop with female vocals.Agnostic Front: The story so far: bandforms, plays ultra thrash, then bad speedmetal, and then reinvents itself yet againas a traditional oi band. To their credit,the song ain’t all that bad, although I stillhighly doubt I’d buy one of their newerreleases. Red Alert: Another classic trackfrom these guys, this is a rocker that feelsnowhere close to the four minute lengthit is. Resistance 77: Rough-edged punkwith pop hooks up the ass to facilitatesinging along while tearing the placeapart. Last Resort: Apparently, Roi stillhas violence on his mind. I was afraid hemight’ve gone soft over the years.Menace: Pretty straightforward oi tune.Not bad, but I was expecting more consideringthe band. Slaughter and theDogs: Uh, maybe it’s time for anotherlong retirement, guys, ’cause bad glamstill ain’t made a comeback and this surewon’t speed up the process. Beerzone:Sounds like early Test Tube Babies,which is by all means a compliment.Blood Brothers: Sounds like “Guns forthe Afghan Rebels”/”Lust for Glory”-eraUpstarts, which makes perfect sense consideringit features Mensi and Cast Iron.Crashed Out: The piano solo, a piss-takeof the “Halloween” theme as its base,was perfect. Great tune. Special Duties:“Pop star punks? No, we’re real shocktroops…” Couldn’t put it any bettermyself. Foreign Legion: Another prettystandard tune, not to misconstrued asmeaning it sucks, ’cause it doesn’t, butthey just ain’t as mind-blowing as someothers included here. The Crack: Havealways liked what I’ve heard from theseguys, but I don’t think the world neededyet another cover of “House of theRising Sun.” The Gonads: The history ofpunk set to a modern crunch metal riff.Final verdict? Jeez, try as I may, I can’thelp but give this a glowing recommendation.–Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi)VARIOUS ARTISTS:Barricaded Suspects and FourOld Toxic Shock 7” EPs: CDBack in the early 1980s there were veryfew sources in the LA area to buyobscure punk rock. You could get theBlack Flag and TSOL, but to get anythingby a smaller band at the time wasdifficult. One record store you couldcount on was Toxic Shock. The problemwas they were located in Pomona, CAand I lived on the west side. I also didn’thave a car that would go that far or makeit up to freeway speed. The distance wastoo great. I was fortunate to go there acouple of times. Man, it was a greatstore! They seemed to have almost everypunk release under the sun. To show howgood it was there, my brother literallypurchased two feet of 7”’s there on oneof my visits. They were a store for thepunks run by the punks. I think the storemoved to Tucson, AZ around the mid tolate ‘80s and changed the name toWestworld / Toxic Ranch. That was agreat blow to the local scene. They alsobecame a label in that early time periodwhile in CA and these were some of the

eleases from the legendary label. Theywere also responsible in introducing RawPower of Italy to a larger scale afterChris / BCT had put out a tape. Bill / Dr.Strange was smart enough to re-releasethis classic material to the masses. I hadn’tseen or listened to these songs inyears (or a couple of decades?). Mybrother was the owner of the originalsand made me not purchase it on my own.To see how good these releases are checkout who’s on what. Barricaded Suspectscontains Peace Corpse, Human Therapy,Red Tide, Killroy, Knockabouts, Abcess,Suburban Mutilation, Septic Death, theDoll, Massacre Guys, Decry, RoachMotel, Bonded in Unity, Mad Parade,The Hundredth Monkey, Vision / Decay,Hue & Cry, Pillsbury Hardcore andZimbo Chimps. 4 Old Toxic Shock 7”EP’s contains the Noise from Nowherecomp that features Kent State, ModernIndustry, Moslem Birth and MansonYouth; Peace Corpse Quincy 7”; RedTide Kelp and Salal 7”; Massacre GuysBehind the 8 Ball 7”. Man, that is a lot ofshit! Good to see that there is a demandof the past and I don’t have to pay Ebayprices for it. History is not a bad thing!–Donofthedead (Doctor Strange)VARIOUS ARTISTS: Battle forthe Airwaves Vol. 2: 7”Wow! The Workin’ Stiffs, The Bodies,The Wretched Ones and The Templars allon one 7 inch. These are four bands wayup on my high rotation list already. Eachband holds their own on here with a songa piece. A hell of a teaser, but a hell of aquick rush. If you aren’t familiar, all fourbands have a working class, street punkkinda sound. Influences from late ‘70sEnglish punk can be heard. This is great,but too damn short. Gimme moredamnit! –Toby Tober (Radio)VARIOUS ARTISTS:Cuts Vol. 1: CDI’ve never professed to being a professionalwriter or an expert on punk rock. Ido have an opinion though. I have prettymuch stuck around for the last twentyplus years listening to this noise. As Iread the intro to this release, I am inagreement that comps are different thesedays. Bands in the past would send theirbest effort and make it pretty muchexclusive to that one release. If it wasn’tgood, it wouldn’t be released. Lately, youget record label sampler comps that floodthe rack space or comps with recycledmaterial. It’s rare that you find a compthat completely has unreleased tracks. Ifyou see what the old comps go for onEbay, you can see that they are worthsomething. Enough of my old man memories.Back to opinion. I don’t listen to alot of the OC beach punk garage stuffpersonally. So, many of these bands Ihave never heard of. The two that I recognizeand have heard are the SmutPeddlers and Cell Block 5. Retodd toldme of the up-comers Broken Bottles. Heliked them so much, he booked them ona Razorcake show recently. Tracks thatstood out to me were from the previouslymentioned and The Thunder Pistols,D-Cup, Beer City Rockers, Extortions,The Negatives, The Switch-Ups, TheSpooky, The Put-Ons, The Stand and TheCadavers. That’s a high percentage ofbands on this eighteen band comp thatpeaked my interest. A good comp doingwhat it’s supposed to do – introduce meto some new bands I have never heard of.–Donofthedead (Hostage)VARIOUS ARTISTS:Drinking About Songs: 2 X LPFirst off, I’ve got a deep admiration forVery Small Records. Know it or not,they’ve released many mighty influentialcomps and helped out a ton of thenobscure,now-well-known bands (likeOperation Ivy, Pinhead Gunpowder,Green Day, Neurosis, and Jawbreaker)when they were just starting out. The guywho runs the operation, Dave, is probablyone of the most up-standing citizensin a business and scene that is rife with alack of ethics. You’d do very well to lookat Very Small’s catalog. That said, this ismy least favorite comp they’ve put out inawhile. Although I admire the open ear –there’s straight-up country numbers, letme-suck-that-bar-toweldrunk punk, andSmall Wonder’s “Crop Duster” thatsounds like it could be on an Indigo Girlssolo album (or a female top forty song.Don’t press me. It’s not my realm ofexpertise), it’s an iffy affair, making ithard to put on and like all the waythrough. There are some cool songs inthe thirty-three: Super Chinchilla RescueMission, Grabass Charlestons, The FoxySluts, The Civic Minded Five, and theBar Feeders don’t disappoint. But thenthere’s too much that’s just okay orsomething I’d wish not to hear like ‘70sbar rock, mediocre pop punk, and just“plain, blah” rock. I say go with FauxPas Potpourri, or either one of the twoalcoholic-themed comps proceeding thisone: Songs About Drinking or Liverache,which I like and recommend to this day.–Todd (Very Small)VARIOUS ARTISTS:First Strike: CDCraig from Schizophrenic has beenworking like a mad man on a mission toget these BCT tracks that were originallyonly available on tape out on CD. If youdon’t know BCT (Borderless CountriesTapes), they were heavily responsible inintroducing international hardcore to thestates from 1982 to 1986 one tape at atime. I’ve seen the tape deck. BCT is upand running again if you want the originaltapes by contacting Chris / BCT @. I know Sound IdeaDistribution out of Florida also carriesthe tape. It’s great that this is out again.Another thing I haven’t listened to in acouple of decades. This is the first comptape of the twenty-seven tape series.American bands like the Clitboys, FutureRuins, Violation, Vatican Commandos(Moby’s punk band!), Skoundrelz (Ithink Dogtown legend, Tony Alva,played in this band at one point or another),Mr. Epp, Poison Center, Eat theRich, Cultural Breakthrough and TheAccused (Seattle legends). Some studioand some live recordings that still standthe test of time. This takes me back tohigh school. Ten bands, fifty songs.That’s a lot to soak in, but well worth thepurchase. –Donofthedead ($10ppd toSchizophrenic)VARIOUS ARTISTS: Four OldToxic Shock 7” EPs ’83-’84: CDThe title says it all: four old seven-inchEPs from the Toxic Shock Recordsvaults, all remastered and digitized niceand purty for the new millennium.Included here are the Noise fromNowhere comp (featuring Kent State,Moslem Birth, Human Therapy andManson Youth), the first EP from PeaceCorpse (formerly Moslem Birth), RedTide’s Kelp and Salal EP and MassacreGuys’ first EP (featuring a future memberof Descendents/All). Most of thetracks stand up pretty well to the passageof time and are a fun, if not always crucial,reminder of some of the stuff thatwas going on in the scene at that timethat didn’t involve the Circle Jerks andBlack Flag. One very minor gripe:Considering the fact the Dr. Strangereleased Manson Youth’s posthumousseven-inch EP, it’s strange that they didn’tgo through the trouble to change theincorrect title of the band’s contributionto Noise from Nowhere, here still incorrectlytitled “Penis Brain” but actually asort-of medley of three shorter songs.–Jimmy Alvarado (Dr. Strange)VARIOUS ARTISTS:Global Hostility: CDThis showed up in the Razorcake POBox from England, and I happened to bethe guy opening the envelope. I took alook at the packaging and it’s totally DIY– cut and paste, photocopied – but doneso well that it was clear these guys hadbeen doing-it-themselves for a while. Ilooked at the band list and saw bandsfrom places like Estonia, Nepal,Argentina, Finland, Uruguay, Israel, andover a dozen more countries. I looked forthe US representative. It was The Boils. Ilike The Boils. I thought to myself, it’sbeen a long time since I was taken totallyby surprise by a comp. Maybe this onewill show me something new. And it did.It blew me away. It’s largely a collectionof oi/street punk bands, but it’s done sowell. Whenever you get bands from thismany places, you’re going to get a niceblend of scenes and influences and takeson the sounds of the Stiff Little Fingersand the Business and Cocksparrer and allthose other great working-class bands.And here is a bunch of bands I’ve neverheard of, like Portugal’s Les BatonRouge and Italy’s The Sbirros andHolland’s Uit de Sloot, taking thosebasic influences and kicking ‘em in theass. It amazes me that this label could puttogether this diverse of a group of bandson one fucking awesome comp. –SeanCarswell (No Front Teeth)VARIOUS ARTISTS: I Hopethe End Is Always theBeginning: CDI think so many neat things have comefrom the Japanese: sushi, Takara Blythe,Sanrio stationery, cutting-edge fashionfor one-foot-high dolls and five-foothighpeople. Most recently, though, Ithink the absolute best thing that’s comefrom Japan is the latest compilation ofJapanese punk rock from the people atSnuffy Smile. Snuffy Smile may be acute name, but there is nothing sissyabout the bands on this label. I Hope theEnd Is Always the Beginning is one CDthat is comprised of two sections:Chapter One and Chapter Two. ChapterOne consists of original songs by fourteendifferent bands, including MinorityBlues Band, Bottledirt, and Pear of theWest. Chapter Two consists of the samefourteen bands covering songs by bandslike The Replacements, Stiff LittleFingers, and Cock Sparrer. There aretwenty-eight tracks on this album, andevery single one rocks. Even thoughmore than half the time I can’t understandthe lyrics, I still want to sing along.I love this CD. Get your own copy now.–Felizon (Snuffy Smile)VARIOUS ARTISTS:Life Is Ugly So Why NotKill Yourself: CDWow, I was wonderin’ when someonewould get around to reissuing this, and inthis case, it appears that the culprit isDanny Phillips, who was one of thoseresponsible for the original release. Whatyou get here, kids, is a chance to own oneof the early, definitive SouthernCalifornia punk comps, featuring tracksfrom (in order of appearance) Red Cross(Redd Kross before the other Red Crossthreatened to sue, and before they werebitten by the glam bug), Descendents,Anti, Ill Will, Civil Dismay, ChinaWhite, Mood of Defiance, Minutemen,100 Flowers/the Urinals, Zurich 1916,Plebs and Saccharine Trust, nearly all ofwhich aren’t available anywhere else.Although nearly all of the tracks hold uppretty well considering it’s been twentyyears since it was originally available(Mood of Defiance’s track in particular isstill a stunner), it’s worth the price ofadmission alone to hear Red Cross(which at the time consisted of theMcDonald Bros, future Circle Jerk GregHetson on guitar and future Black Flagsinger Ron Reyes on drums) uncharacteristicallythrash things up a bit. Rumorhas it that the other two releases in theseries are to be reissued as well, so keepyour eyes peeled, as all three volumesare highly recommended. –JimmyAlvarado (Delirium)VARIOUS ARTISTS: You CallThis Music?!?, Vol. II: CDFinally a disc that offers up someseething straight up punk with blood onits boots, piss in its gut and hate in itsveins. This has a nice helping of bandswith snotty female vocals, somethingI’m rather fond of myself. For whateverit’s worth, my favorites are the Jag Offs,Backside, Pillbox Terror and the Voids. Alittle bit of something for everyone,including a handful of duds, but all witha nice chippy attitude. I think this wouldmake a decent party CD. –Aphid Peewit(Geykido Comet)WOOLWORTHY: Recycler: CDBig guitar post-emo pop crap. Makes mefantasize that Buffalo Bill, the serialkiller in Silence of the Lambs, was a realperson and had a thing for shitty emorelatedbandmember-meat. –JimmyAlvarado (Boss Tuneage)WORLD BURNS TO DEATH:Human Dogs… Tossed to theDogs of War: 7”WBTD charges out tooth-chipping, frantic,and complexly played political hardcorethat has Russian writing all over it(although it’s sung in English). The bandis oddly – yet refreshingly – historicallypolitical. One song references Kursk,calling it “Scheissekrieg” (shit war).Fuck it. Might as get some WWII historyfrom punk. It doesn’t seem to fit intomany school books nowadays. (TheBattle of Kursk, between the Germansand Russians, engaged more than fourmillion soldiers, thirteen thousandarmored vehicles, and eleven thousandaircraft. Lemmy of Motorhead’s beenquoted as saying it was his favorite tankbattle because it was the biggest.) Thereare more than a couple of Crass elementsthat WBTD employs – from the vividbrutality of war cover art, to the layeringof vocals (one singing, one talking), tothe cacophony that makes you think theband’s going to melt down like a faultynuclear reactor at any time – but theydefinitely don’t sound like a clone bandliving off of past glories from battlesfought. It sounds like war anew. –Todd(Prank)NOTE TO READERS: We had aton of record reviews this time.We added pages to our reviewsection, and still had over 100record reviews that didn’tfit. Please visit our website, toread these reviews.93

C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E Sto bands and labels that were reviewed either in this issueor posted on www.razorcake.com in the last two months.• 13th Floor, PO Box 1502, New Haven,CT 06506• 625, PO Box 423413, SF, CA 94142-3413• Alternative Tentacles, PO Box 419092,SF, CA 94141-9092• Ambiguous City, PO Box 31560,Baltimore, MD 21207• Arms Reach, 1220 W. Hood, Apt. #1,Chicago, IL 60660• Artfix, PO Box 641, Moreno Valley,CA 92556-0641• Asian Man, PO Box 35585,Monte Sereno, CA 95030• Ass-End Offend, 917 Patrick Creed Rd,Kalispell, MT 55901• Blackball c/o Revolver, 2745 16th St.,SF, CA 94103• Blackout, 931 Madison St, Hoboken, NJ 07030• Bombed Out, PO Box 17, Leeds, LS8 1UP, UK• Boss Tuneage, PO Box 74, Sandy Bedfordshire,SG19 2WB, UK• Bridge, Box 1903, 58118 Linkoping, Sweden• Buddyhead, PO Box 1268, Hollywood,CA 90078• Bulge, PO Box 1173, Green Bay, WI 54305• Captain Oi, PO Box 501, High Wycombe,Bucks, HP 10 8QA, UK• Chemical Valley, 205 E Alturas, Tucson,AZ 85705• Chrome Saint Magnus, Am Bhf. St. Magnus 10,28759 Bremen, Germany• Clambake, 5525 N. Delphia, Chicago, IL 60656• Cochon, 759 Shrader St., SF, CA 94117• Code Seven, PO Box 3482, Flint, MI 48502• Coldfront, PO Box 8345, Berkeley, CA 94707• Cowtipped, c/o Matt Burns, 104 North ReymannSt., Ranson, WV 25438-1724• Crime Against Humanity, PO Box 1421,Eau Claire, WI 54702-1421• Crucial Blast, PO Box 364, Hagerstown,MD 21741• Dead Beat, PO Box 283, LA, CA 90078• Dead Droi, PO Box 68601, Grand Rapids,MI 49516• Delirium, PMB 330, 1042 N. Mountain #B,Upland, CA 91786• Deranged, PO Box 543, Station P,Toronto, Ontario, M5S 2T1 Canada• Diaphragm, PO Box 10388, Columbus,OH 43201• Dim Mak, PO Box 14041 Santa Barbara,CA 93107• Dionysus, PO Box 1975, Burbank, CA 91507• Dirtnap, PO Box 21249, Seattle, WA 98111• Disaster, PO Box 7112, Burbank, CA 91510• Dr. Strange, PO Box 1058, Alto Loma,CA 90701• Ed Walters, 2416 South Warnock St.,Philadelphia, PA 19148• Empty, PO Box 12034, Seattle, WA 98012• Enterruption, PO Box 884626, SF,CA 94188-4626• Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026• Equal Vision, PO Box 14, Hudson, NY 12534• Erectords, PO Box 6224, Anaheim, CA 92816• Espo, PO Box 63, Allston, MA 02134• Excursion, PO Box 20224, Seattle, WA 98102• Excursions Into The Abyss, PO Box 50138,Ft. Wayne, IN 46805-0138• Extremely Baked, 3028 Leonard St.,Raleigh, NC 27607• Fat, PO Box 193690, SF, CA 94119-3690• Fearless, 13772 Golden West 545Westminster, CA 92883• F-Hole, 1393 Grove St, SF, CA 94117• Firefly, PO Box 30179, London, E17 5FE UK• Fongul, 11 Mercury Circle, South Amboy,NJ 08879• ForgeAgain, PO Box 146837,Chicago, IL 60614• Fueled By Ramen, PO Box 12563,Gainesville, FL 32604• Gearhead, PO Box 421219, SF, CA 94142• Gern Blandsten, PO Box 356, River Edge,NJ 07661• Geykido Comet, PO Box 3743,Laguna Hills, CA 98654• Gloom, PO Box 14253, Albany, NY 12212• GMM, PO Box 15234, Atlanta, GA 30333• Go Kart, PO Box 20, Prince St. Station, NY,NY 10012• GSL, PO Box 178262, San Diego, CA 92177• Harmless, 1220 W. Hood, Apt. #2, Chicago,IL 60660• Havoc, PO Box 8585, Minneapolis, MN 55408• Hellbent, PO Box 1529, Pleasant Beach,NJ 08742• Hellcat, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026• Hewhocorrupts, Inc., 196 Fairfield,Elmhurst, IL 60126• Hollow Bunny, PO Box 33264, Raleigh,NC 27636• Honey Bear, 1730 E. Oltorf #135, Austin,TX 78741• Hostage, PO Box 7736, Huntington Beach,CA 92615-7736• Impatience or Indifference, 3201 3rd St.,2nd Floor, SF, CA 94124• In The Red, 1118 W. Magnolia Blvd,PO Box 208, Burbank, CA 91506• Inverted Nines, 241 Aveinida Del Poniente,San Clemente, CA 92672• Jack Housen, 4703 Webb Canyon Road,Claremont, CA 91711• Jade Tree, 2310 Kennwynn Rd., Wilmington,DE 19810• Jetset, 67 Vestry St., New York, NY 10013• Jump Up, PO Box 13189, Chicago, IL 60613• Kangaroo, Henk Smit, Middenweg 13, 1098 AAAmsterdam, Netherlands• Kung Fu, PO Box 38009, Hollywood, CA 90038• Life Is Abuse, PO Box 20524,Oakland, CA 94620• Livewire, PO Box 007 Mendham, NJ, 07945• Lookout, 3284 Adeline St., Berkeley, CA 94703• Lorelei, PO Box 902, Santa Cruz, CA 95061• Madskull, PO Box 57159, 1040 BB,Amsterdam, Holland• Malt Soda, PO Box 7611, Chandler, AZ 85246• Man Will Destroy Himself, 3028 Leonard St.,Raleigh, NC 27607• Martyr, PO Box 955, Harriman, NY 10926-0955• McCarthyism, 7209 25th Ave, Hyattsville,MD 20783-2752• Mexican Blackbirds, PO Box 7569, Tacoma,WA 98406• Million Dollar Marxists, PO Box 77062,Ottawa, ON, K1S 5N2 Canada• Mint, PO Box 3613, Vancouver BC,Canada, V6B 3Y6• Moon Ska Europe, PO Box 184, Ashford,Kent, TN24 0ZS UK• Mortville, PO Box 4263, Austin, TX 78765• Negative Progression, PO Box 193158,SF, CA 94119• Neurot, PO Box 410209, SF, CA 04141• New Disorder, 115 Bartlett St., SF, CA 94110• Nice Guy, PO Box 42815, Cincinnati,OH 45242-0815• No Front Teeth, PO Box 27070,London, N2 9ZP, UK• No Idea, PO Box 14636, Gainesville FL 32604• No Label, PO Box 1946, Venice, CA 90291• Noma Beach, PO Box 735, Sonoma CA 95476• Not Bad, PO Box 2014, Arvada, CO 80001• On the Rag, PO Box 251, Norco, CA 92860• Plan-It-X, 5810 W. Willis Rd. Georgetown,IN 47122-9117• Prank, PO Box 410892, Berkeley,CA 94141-0892• Punk Core, PO Box 916, Middle Island,NY 11953• Rabbit In The Rain, 5 Fords Row, Redruth,Cornwall, TF15 1JS, England• Rabbit, PO Box 31, Greenwood WA6024, Australia• Radical, 77 Bleeker St #C2-21, NY, NY 10012• Radio, PO Box 1452, Sonoma, CA 95476• Rejected, PO Box 6591, Dun Laoghaire, Co.Dublin, Ireland• Revelation, PO Box 5232, Huntington Beach,CA 92615-5232• Revive, 30 Nakajima-Cho, Momoyama-Cho,Fushimi-Ku, Kyoto 612-8005, Japan• Rip Off, 581 Maple Ave, San Bruno, CA 94066• Rise, PO Box 135, Roseburg, OR 97470• Rooster Cow, 2426 Medary Ave.,Columbus, OH 43202• RunnAmucks, 810 S. Winter Park Dr.,Casselberry, FL 32707• Scenester Credentials, PO Box 1275,Iowa City, IA 52240• Schitz, The, PO Box 216, Adairsville, GA 30103• Schizophrenic, 17 West 4th Street,Hamilton, Ontario, L9C 3M2 Canada• Sea Level, 1716 W. Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026• Sessions, 15 Janis Way, Scotts Valley, CA 95066• Short Hare, PO Box 283, SF, CA 94104• Sickroom, PO Box 47830, Chicago, IL 60647• Side One Dummy, PO Box 2350, LA, CA 90078• Slave, PO Box 10093, Greensboro, NC 27404• Slovenly, PO Box 204, Reno, NV 89504• Smog Veil, 316 California Ave #207, Reno,NV 89509• Snuffy Smile, 4-1-16 Daita, Setagaya-Ku,Tokyo 155-0033, Japan• SOA, via Oderisi da Gubbio,67/69 00146, Roma, Italy• Sounds of Subterrania, PO Box 103662,64036 Kassel, Germany• Squirrel Heart, PO Box 5871, Arlington,VA 22205• Star Time, PO Box 43091, Tucson, AZ 85733• Stardumb, PO Box 21145, 3001 AC Rotterdam,The Netherlands• Steel Cage, PO Box 29247, Philadelphia,PA19125• Stool Sample, PMB # 82 4290, Bells Ferry Rd.,Suite # 106, Kennesaw, GA 30144• Suburban Home, PO Box 40757, Denver,CO 80204• Sudden Death, Moscrop PO Box 43001,Burnaby BC, Canada V5G 3H0• Sugar Hill, PO Box 55300, Durham, NC27717-5300• Sumo Agnew, 1008 N. Queen, Tucson,AZ 85705• Swami, PO Box 620428, SD, CA 92162• Switchblade Kittens, PO Box 93755, LA,CA 90093• Tear It Up, PO Box 7616, 5601, IP Endhoven,The Netherlands• Three One G, PO Box 178262, SD,CA 92117• TKO, 3216 W. Cary St. #303,Richmond, VA 23221• Touch and Go, PO Box 25520,Chicago, IL 60625• Tracks House, PO Box 8995,Minneapolis, MN 55408• Trap Door, 3428 H St. #5,Sacramento, CA 95816• Venal I.V., PO Box 9263, Missoula, MT 59807• Very Small, PO Box 86636, Portland,OR 97286• Vinyl Dog, 812 S. Coast Hwy.,Laguna Beach, CA 92651• Yoakemae, c/o Toshiaki Ikejiri,8-1-39 SumiyoshiyamateHigashinadaku, Kobe 658-0063, Japan

Send all zines for review toRazorcake, PO Box 42129,LA, CA 90042. Pleaseinclude a contact address, thenumber of pages, the price,and whether or not youaccept trades.963 CHORD RIOT,#1, free, 8 ½ x 11, copied, 4 pgs.Due to economics, Matt Averagehasn’t been able to put out Enginefor a bit now, but his ever-crankin’mind just couldn’t stop, so he puttogether a shorty. It’s basically abrief column, his grade-A pictures,and a slew of album reviews. Whyshould you care? Because Matt isone of two people who I personallyknow who’s an ever-evolving,walking encyclopedia of DIY hardcorepunk who hasn’t burned out orbecome an Ebay slave. And ofthose two people, he can write reallywell about it and stays excited.Think of a younger, West Coast AlQuint and you wouldn’t be far off.Looking for some hardcore gemswithout a publicist shining theirlight up your ass? Want the hot tipon super-limited press runs of soonto-be-classicslabs? Here’s yoursecret ticket. If you get the chance,hit ,also run by Matt. It’s one of the bestno-bullshit, no-frills hardcoremailorders out there. –Todd (3Chord Riot, PO Box 64666, LA,CA 90064)ASSASSIN AND THE WHINER,#12, $1, 5 ½ x 7, copied, 30 pgs.This is an old issue of Assassin andthe Whiner, so I don’t know whywe’re just getting it now for review.(I think Carrie’s up to #14 now).Really great comics about the lifeof Carrie. This time around, there’sstuff about drinking (alcohol andcoffee), girlfriends (including atruly horrifying tale of a relationshipgone wrong), depression, andmore. I always look forward to gettingthis zine. I think Carrie’s at herbest when she writes about everydaystuff, and there’s a bunch ofthat in this issue, including beingmistaken for a LAPD officer and aquest for anti-farting herbal medicine.If you haven’t read it yet,check it out! –Maddy (CarrieMcNinch, PO Box 481051, LA,CA 90048)BARBIE’S DEAD,#7, $?, 8 ½ x 11, copied, 20 pgs.Ack. My least favorite format! 8 ½by 11 inches, stapled once in theupper left cover. Oh well. This zineincludes: musings about the possibilityof relocating to outer space,lots of music, zine, show, and bookreviews, interviews with(Birmingham, England) bandEastfield and (Edinburgh, I think)band Sad Society. My advice? Nexttime around, have more non-reviewwriting. –Maddy (Alex, Woodhouse,The Square, Gunnnislake,PL18 9BW, UK)BLACKLIST, #3, $3, 8 ½ x 11,black and white, 60 pgs.I met this kid in a black hat. Hegave me this magazine. His namewas Sean Carlson. He does thismagazine and runs a small publishingcompany. There is a story inBlacklist where Sean heads off intoSkid Row and other shady areasaround Los Angeles and talks withsome of the people who you wouldnot want to talk with, but he did andhe wrote about it and you can readabout it when you write him for acopy of Blacklist. –BradleyWilliams (Blacklist, PMB 1111,Redondo Beach, CA 902777;)ENTERRUPTED, #1 & #2,$?, 5 ½ x 7, offset, (#1) 14 pgs,(#2) 22 pgs.When I first got these zines in a bigole review pile, they immediatelystood out. The cover of #2 is handscreenedand looks really cool. Andeach page has all these loose pagespostcards,photographs, and designpieces. But the contents weren’tthat interesting. Some band interviews,some short articles. If you’reinto the bands they interview(Raksha Mancham, CarolinerRainbow) you might wanna checkthis out. Design nuts should take apeek, too. –Maddy (PO Box884626, SF, CA, 94188-4626)FRESH RAG, #4, $2/trade,5½x 8 ½, copied, 52pgs.I was worried when I first got this.It says right in it that Maddy gave agood review in a prior Razorcake,and yet it appeared at first glance tobe yet another mediocre photocopiedzine. Then I read it. Bonuspoint #1 – saying “If you don’t likethis zine then go fuckin’ write yourown” right in the intro. Bonus point#2 – Ms. Holly refers to her zine asa magazine. The whole zine elitismof zine vs. Magazine has beeneffectively killed. Not every wordin this is a gem, but as a whole, it isfar above par. The reviews are writtenwith a very effective casualstyle. I think my favorite piece wasLord Rutledge’s “Dee Snider isGod” piece, which also seems triteat first glance and ends up as a wellwritten work with many thoughtfulpoints. I will be ordering futureissues. –Rich Mackin (Holly, 816Baldwin Ave. #1, Norfolk,VA 23517)GARAGE AND BEAT, #7, $3.50,8 ½ x 11, off-set, 54 pgs.If you are into garage rock, both oldand new, you need to read this magazine!Interviews with theNeptunas and Andy Tielman, a historyof the Hamburg scene, lots ofuseful reviews (especially for peoplelike me, who love this stuff, butcan’t afford to buy withoutresearchin’), and more! This mag isdefinitely devoted to the garagenut. Lots of in-depth geekin’ out,which I can appreciate!Recommended! –Maddy (P. EdwinLetcher, 2754 Prewett St., LA,CA 90031)GENETIC DISORDER #16, $3,6 ½ x 10, color cover, 73 pgs.I wasn’t even going to review thissince Todd did in the last issue, buthe misprinted the issue number(stupid jerk) and vastly understatedjust how fucking funny GeneticDisorder is. That’s all. Here’s yourbone (from an article on nicknamesof Larry’s peers from the southernCalifornia desert): “Dutch Boy didn’tget his name because he liked tostick his finger in dykes. He was apaint huffer with a constant ring offlaky gold paint around his lips.”–Cuss Baxter (Genetic Disorder,PO Box 15237, San Diego, CA92175; )PARIAH, #1 $???,5 ½ x 8 ½, copiedAs a thirty-year-old politicalactivist, I have no real need for thiszine, which could be why I am notwho this is meant for. While ussurly activist types have this informationat our disposal, not everykid who goes to a punk showknows little more than “the systemis fucked up,” and this is a goodstarting tool to get street punk kidsat shows to start thinking about theworld without shoving politicaltheory down anyone’s throat. Thelayout is so effectively simple thatit has me close to being in awe forits reinventing of the punk aesthetic.Did they tape stuff directly to thecopier glass? Nothing groundbreakingfor Zinn fans or Slug andLettuce readers, but a good intro forthose wishing to ditch their apathy,or a good thing to pass on to ayounger friend (this was done byhigh school kids, though it doesn’texactly show.) –Rich Mackin(Pariah, 201 S. Ashland, LaGrange, IL 60525)POOR AND FORGOTTEN,#8, $1 or trade, 5 ¼ x 8 ½,copied, 14pgs.With a photocopy of the author’sprescription to Paxil (usually fordepression or obsessive/compulsivedisorder) and being in jail, Ihave a feeling this zine’s moreabout self-therapy than anythingelse. There’s a hand-written, blowby-blowrant on how he hates aradio program and death and disorderpoetry. Matthew likes the word“cum” and uses it often by itself ormaking up new words, like “welcum,”and “cuntinue.” It’s obviouslythe work of tortured soul cuttingand pasting what’ll stick. –Todd(Matthew Johnson, PO Box 59,Linwood, MA 01525-9998)

RATED ROOKIE, vol. 1, issue 3,$2.50, 8 ½ x 11, offset,glossy cover, 36 pgs.Outside the world of zines, whatI’m about to say may sound like aslam, but everyone reading thisknows that I’m paying RatedRookie a high compliment when Isay that this zine deserves a placeon your crapper. It’s very well-suitedfor bathroom reading. It’s excellentin that respect. All of the articles,stories, interviews, and tidbitsare incredibly short and to thepoint, exactly the length of onequick shit. Of course, if you’re onthe can for the long haul, two orthree pieces out of Rated Rookiewill keep you company. My onlywarning is that some of these shortarticles are really engaging and mayhave you sitting in your own stinkfor longer than you have to. Butdon’t fear. This zine is portable. Itcan leave your bathroom as well.I’ve got to admit that I’m not givingyou this advice after any field trialsor anything. It’s purely conjecture.This zine didn’t last long enoughfor me to have to use the bathroom.While I was in the post office oneday, I actually started reading achart in here about why men’s magazineslike Maxim are making millions.It had me cracking up in line.Don’t try this. Other people in postoffice lines are pissed off. Theydon’t like it when you laugh. I tookthis zine home, where it was safe tolaugh at will, and read funny piecesabout biology karaoke, hating NewFound Glory, working in a gas station,giving blow jobs, drugreviews, and making piss pornvideos. Not exactly the deepeststuff in the world, but it all had agood sense of humor. And the storiescame across with that cool,you’re-not-alone attitude that I lovein zines. I read this zine cover tocover and enjoyed most everything.The only down part was the shortpiece about a boy and his doorknob.Some things just can’t be saved bycleverness. But let’s not focus onthe negative here. Everything elseabout this zine was cool, and I’lllook forward to future issues. –SeanCarswell (Rated Rookie, 28-07 38 thSt. Suite 4L, Astoria, NY 11103)READ, the fear issue, $4,8 ½ x 11, glossy cover, 99 pgs.This magazine takes a while to getthrough, not because it’s boring orput together all shitty, but that it’sall fulled up with stories and interviewsand not very many pictures,but that’s good because the title isREAD and not American Photo (Idon’t even know if that is a realmagazine. I think I might havemade that up) and so it’s not sneakyand all trying to trick you into readingbut really wanting you to lookat pictures of people’s backyards. Idon’t know if there is a magazinefor backyards. Is there? If not, Ithink that might go over well.American Backyard, the Magazine.That might be pretty cool and all.The critics could say stuff like“Wow! American Backyard, theMagazine is amazing… a brilliantact… etc.” So I think I’ll start workon American Backyard, theMagazine over the Christmas holidays.I’ll let all of you know moreabout it as it starts to come together.But until then, you might want tocheck out READ magazine ‘causeit’s got a lot of stuff that you readingtype music-listening folks’lllike. –Bradley Williams (READMagazine, PO Box 3437 Astoria,NY 11103)SECOND GRADER (SUPERDISCO), trade, 5 ½ x 8 ½ ,copied, 24 pgs.Once again, the world of dumb shitand porno and reviews captured inpure and unadulterated and flawlessstupidity. –Bradley Williams(Citizen Balls, 5 Haele P.Makawao, HI 96768)SINK HOLE, review letterThe letter reads: “Enclosed pleasefind the current issue of my zine foryou to review. It is available to anyonewho is interested for the priceof $1.00, 3 stamps or a zine trade.The zine is black and white (duh)and is 33 pages long. We publishbimonthly and our next issue comesout in August. Thanks for checkingit out. Cheers!” I remember gettingthis zine but I lost it. I don’t knowanything about it other than thisrelic of a letter, but supposedly “theonly bad publicity is no publicity”so… I guess they’ve probably putout about three copies since this onecame out and by now you alreadyknow about this one. –BradleyWilliams (Marck Generous, 210519 th St. West Bardenton, FL 34205)STARDUMB PUNKROCKZINE:#6, free, 5 ½ x 8 ½, copied, 33 pgs.As with any record company thatput(s) out a zine (Coldfront, NoIdea, Flipside), it’s up to the editorif they’re going to come out with aninfomercial on their own bands or amore balanced zine. Stardumbwalks the fine line. I’m not totallysold nor am I shaking a finger atthem for shameless plugs. There’s agood interview with Toys That Kill(although it was reprinted fromMRR. Stardumb put out a TTK split7”), a purely self-serving, blahinterview with the Mallrats (newalbum coming out on Stardumb), afun, shorty with Nørb (always abeacon of inspiration), and an reallyinteresting article on Sogo Ishii,a Japanese filmmaker who has along history with punk rock that I’llbe sure to try to hunt down hismovies later. My favorite columnwas by Lew-A-Go-Go, editor of thereally cool Vinyl-A-Go-Go fanzine,about his two first crushes. Thewhole affair is cleanly laid out, andthey do get around to reviewingbands not directly associated withthe label. Think poppy, punk, boobfriendlyrock, and you’ve got thefeel. –Todd (Stardumb, PO Box21145, 3001 AC Rotterdam, TheNetherlands)TESTED WITH VINEGAR,(and a host of others under differentnames), trade/free/$1,copied, 30 pgs.I was given a group of zines thatappear to be done by the samegroup of people; Eat Yourself a Pie,Freaky Fuckn’ Cornstalk, theSecond Pointless Story, a coupleother small zines, slightly largerthan a Zippo lighter, plus two othermysterious regular sized zines. Ilost most of these while drunk a barand showing them to people.Whoever these people are, they arefuckn’ stupid. This is some of thestupidest shit I have seen anyonewaste time on. I would say it is themost ridiculous waste of time, but Iwould be doing many other idiots agrave injustice. I bet if you sendsome outdated coupons for yogurtor maybe some beer money to thefollowing address you would getsome dumb shit from them. I suggestyou do. This rules. –BradleyWilliams (PO Box 126805, SD,CA 92112)THIRD GENERATIONNATION, #23, $3,oversized, glossy cover, 74pgs.It’s mostly in German, which Ican’t read, but if you stereotype theoutlook (punk rock stuff) of themagazine and the bands (leatherjackets and striped t-shirts) thereinyou can have fun by pretending toread German. You see, English is aGermanic Language and so thereare some similarities between thetwo. So if you want to feel all bilingualand shit go and get this one,but I suppose you could also getany German magazine and stereotypeit too. Oh well. –BradleyWilliams (Third Generation Nation,Muhlenfeld 59, 45472 Mulheim,Germany)VERBICIDE, #6, $3.50, 8 ½ x 11,offset, glossy cover, 80 pgs.Verbicide is an ambitious zine thatburst onto the scene right about thesame time that Razorcake did. Forsome reason, that gives me an affinityfor this zine. I don’t know why.I guess because I’m in a similar situationas these guys, struggling tomake Razorcake keep happening onthe west coast while these guys arestruggling to make Verbicide happenover on the east coast. We havemore in common with them thanthat, too. We focus more on music,yet publish books while Verbicidehas more of a literary slant, yet putout records. Both Razorcake andVerbicide try to push the acceptedboundaries of punk zines, us bywriting articles about Howard Zinnand Emma Goldman, Verbicide byincluding stories by Ray Bradburyand interviews with Soft SkullPress. There are several differencesbetween us and them.Fundamentally, we have differenttastes in music. Verbicide runsinterviews with bands like Gradeand Angels in the Architecture, andwe can’t get anyone to even reviewalbums by bands like that (unlessJimmy Alvarado needs more jewelcases). At the same time, theirreviewers slam Against Me! whilewe can’t stop singing their praises.But enough about similarities anddifferences. On to what’s in thisissue: interviews with Lee Ranaldoand Henry Rollins, an article onthird party presidential candidatesHarry Browne and Ralph Nader,another article on violence in India,cool short fiction by ChristopherConnal, and an assortment of fiction,poetry, reviews, and photos.All and all, it’s a solid issue withplenty of good shit to read. I saysupport these guys. Reward theircourage in helping to push zinedomin new directions. –Sean Carswell(Scissor Press, PO Box 206512,New Haven, CT 06520)WORSHIPPING MOTHERNATURE, $2, 5 ¼ x 8 ½, 26 pgs.I like Evil Bob. He forces me tothink. This time out, he comes outwith a very reasoned argument withthe thesis that “Environmentalismseems to share many of the mainfactors that define a religion ororganized church.” Basically, he’ssuggesting that environmentalismis based on faith, not fact, and thatthe Earth Charter (a global constitutiondrawn up by environmentalists)will bring strife, unhappiness,and “economic stagnation.” Eventhough Bob and I are fundamentallyat odds a lot, he does bring upsome good points that I’m willingto agree with, such as documentslike the Earth Charter are statementsof value, not policy. There’sno shortage of laws that sound greatuntil they get enforced. (Like aseatbelt and helmet laws. Yeah, Ithink you should wear one, butthat’s your choice to get killed ormaimed. Also, fuck any law thatallows cops to pull you over andfine you for “your own safety.”) Ialso have to give Bob kudos forrealizing this “work claims only tobe speculation or humble opinion.”I, however, see a couple of schismsin Bob’s ruminations. Let’s start offby stating that not all environmen-

talists see advancing technology asbad, it’s just how technologies arecurrently utilized. Where are thestunning advancements in solar energy(that’s a big fuckin’ sun and itsure is hot, Bob), electric cars, andcleaner energy sources? (Hundredsof which have patents, bought andcontrolled by GE, Monsanto,Firestone, Ford, years ago.)Following this comes my biggest riftwith Bob, who states, “Economicjustice is a euphemism for control ofthe wealthy….” (his emphasis) “apreponderance of evidence seems toshow that free-market (capitalist)nations have the cleanest and healthiestenvironments in the world.”Hmm. It’s not until Coors was facedwith deep litigation to clean up theRockies did they even admit to anywrongdoing. Could it be thatAmerica’s cleaner than it was tenyears ago because it cleared outthousands of factories and shiftedthem all across the globe to countriesthat don’t have any environmentalcontrols? Bob’s a believer inunchecked capitalism. I’m not. If acompany can take your money andpoison land without reparation, theywill. That’s where we’ll continue todebate, but, as I said, the dude makesme think. Two bucks couldbe spent a lot worse ways.–Todd (Evil Bob, 3596 PineSt., North Bend, OR 97459)Static (from the Attic) Vol 1:Episodes 1-4: VHS, 2 hrs.First off, Static is a terrible namefor this program; I don’t think thefrantic goings-on stop for morethan about a half second at a time.Even the camera is rarely immobile,which leads me to my onlymajor complaint: the hand-heldnature of the videography givesme nausea right around the cookingsegment (which is unfortunatebecause I really would liketo try my hand at makingBarbecued Gluten Globs) and Ihave to take a break before I canwatch the rest. That shouldn’t bea problem for most viewers,though, so you’ll be able to sitback and enjoy features coveringthe political (a Pensacola anarchistcollective, Food NotBombs), the recreational (trainhopping, picture taking, dogabuse) and the mundaneness ofday-to-day life (jobs, cooking,clandestine pets, moving) fromthe perspective of a vegan twenty-somethingand his girlfriend.The soundtrack is excellent andbounces deftly from punk tocountry to techno appropriatelyand the editing shows some reasonableknowledge of workingwith video. Overall, a very wellput-together, entertaining andinformative video and a real fuckingdeal for seven bucks. –CussBaxter (Rex, PO Box 30785,Seattle, WA 98103;)

Blondie, From Punk to the Present:A Pictorial Historycompiled by Allan Metz, 512 pagesAnyone who knows who Deborah Harry is knowswhat she did for kicking in the door for rock bands thatincluded female members – she was one of the first.This book takes a wide-open look at Blondie’s career– from her very early beginnings amongst her musicalpeers, who were also seedlings in the ready-bust-outundergroundscene in the ‘70s NYC scene – to gettingthe band Blondie up and going, to breaking up, goingsolo, and reuniting these days once again. It’s all here.And it’s not so much a bibliography, but more anextensive collection of interviews, essays, and selectedDeborah-related reminiscences from music artists(being of their own bands or the ones performing foryears with Blondie). But what’s somewhat neato aboutthis book is that it covers a lot of what was influencingand happening all around the band during its formativeyears, giving the reader a feeling what was really goingon back then. Lots and lots of photos throughout this500+ page monster, including photos from NYCpunk’s past shutterbugs Bob Gruen, StephanieChernikowski, and Roberta Bayley (who shot thatnow-priceless roll of film containing the pic for theRamones’ first LP), and other photographers. I knewfor quite some time that Debbie and Joey Ramonewere really good pals from the early days of makingtheir up-and-coming rounds at the clubs ‘til Joeypassed away in April of 2001. Some people even suggestedthat Joey and Debbie were romanticallyinvolved and my friends and I back in high schoolalways joked about that. We figured if were to be trueand they were eventually to get married, then thatwould then make Debbie’s legal name Deborah Harry-Hyman, ‘cause Joey’s real name was Jeffrey Hyman.It’s gynecologist humor. Go pick up this book andlighten the fuck up. –Designated Dale (MusicalLegacy Publications, 2071 East Bennett St., Apt. D-11,100 Springfield, MO 65804)Coloring Outside the Lines:A Punk Rock Memoirby Aimee Cooper, 132 pgs.It’s not often that you’ll come across aLos Angeles-based, eighteen-month-longslice of punk rock life, circa ‘80-‘81, that isexceedingly nice and a breeze to read. And Idon’t mean “nice” in a bad way. Aimee wasa self-proclaimed, pixie-framed, happy punkrocker who didn’t obsess over clothes andnever let punk rock “stars” eclipse her realfriendships in her loose-knit punk family,The Connected. Aimee avoids gigantic pitfallsthat several authors have tripped intowhen recounting “back in the day.” Sheworked at Slash Magazine – one of L.A.’sground zeros for chronicling punk rock thatwas happening in California – as an unpaidreceptionist. Although she was embroiled inthe end of the first wave and the beginningof the second wave of L.A. punk, she does agreat job of not sounding cynical. Actually,it’s the exact opposite. There’s no “you oweme, bow down” scenester of yore cashing inon their punk chips in the vague hopes of literaryvalidation feel to this book. Nor doesAimee adopt the “You’ll never know. It wasbetter and different back then” tone of hangers-onwho haven’t had anything relevant toinput for the past fifteen to twenty years.What pervades this memoir is a sense ofawe, preciousness, and self-awareness. It’sless a dropping of names (although there areplenty of notables) than an earnest, easy-toreadrecounting of a truly transitional timeand place for a lady whose life was positivelychanged by punk music. It’s neat readingabout the egging of Adam Ant during a parkinglot appearance, to watching JohnnyThunders watch her play with a cat, to callingin reinforcements to avoid a fight in ahospital waiting room, to her inability to geta cool nickname. Plus, as I mentioned,Aimee just sounds really fuckin’ nice, likeyou’d like to just sit down with her and talkfor several hours. She has a way of presentinglife lessons in an extremely conversationalmanner.Some of my favorite excerpts deal withhumanity as it falls through the cracks when“serious” punk rockers are so busy documentinga scene and pruning their owncareers to see beyond the tangle of theirenormous egos. A fellow punk of Aimee’s –a friend of a friend – had been shot andkilled in what looked like one of the firstinstances of a drive-by shooting of a punkfor just how he dressed. Aimee was distressed,and since she worked at Slash,asked a more knowledgeable co-workerwhat to do. She was given a phone number,which she called, unaware that it was to a“rival” paper, the LA Weekly. She told themof the shooting. Aimee was then summarilyapproached and dressed down by Slashowner, Bob Biggs. It seems that Biggs wasn’tin the least concerned with the poachingof a punk on a street corner in a random actof violence, but more about the negativepublicity surrounding L.A. punk rock in thefollowing weeks. It just so happened that hiswife, Penelope Spheeris, had a movie debutingshortly thereafter: The Decline ofWestern Civilization. (Penelope wouldweather the storm and make such classicpunk hits as the remakes of both the LittleRascals and The Beverly Hillbillies.)It’s also refreshing that Aimee leaves thebadass, tough-as-nails bravado associatedwith reminiscence and “punk fiction” in theback seat. When she gets arrested anddetained for trying to hitch hike back home,she avoids boredom in an unconventionalmanner: “I then took hold of the verticalstand supporting the bunk beds, and didwhat any incarcerated prisoner would do inmy situation. I did my ballet exercises. Oneand two and three – pilé.” I think it’s rad thatAimee makes no claims to be the end-all,be-all punk rocker and that she often resortsback to life prior to discovering punk rock toput the book into a greater perspective.I have only small quibbles with thebook. There are many points where I wishAimee would take the time to explain thesituation a little bit more in depth – such asthe riot scenes – in an attempt to resonatethis book’s reach beyond Los Angeles orperhaps get a feel of why the cops tooksuch an interest in suppressing punk rockat the time. Similarly, many of the chaptersseem too short, that they are the skeletonkeys to a much longer work that would putmore flesh in the folds of her stories.However, these wants are small in comparisonto how enjoyable the book is awhole. All in all, I highly recommend thisenjoyable DIY effort. –Todd (Rowdy’sPress, PO Box 847, Elgin, TX 78621. It’savailable from Interpunk for $11.25)Connemara Moonshine,by Mark Gibbons, 136 pgs.I normally try to stay away from booksof poetry. There’s generally something soself-indulgent about it; and it’s often sovague or personal that it’s impossible tobreak through the barriers and actuallyunderstand anything about the poem. So Iwas hesitant about reading ConnemaraMoonshine. I started reading it only becauseit came well-recommended by two differentfriends of mine, and I respect both of theirtastes in books. And, when you get rightdown to it, I like poetry when it’s done well.Just because it’s done well so infrequentlydoesn’t mean that I should give up on thewhole art form.So I started to read ConnemaraMoonshine with the sense that it better befucking great or I was gonna stop readingafter two poems. I read the whole book. I’veread half of the poems two or three times. Ihave to give Gibbons credit. His poems areunique and fun to read. In a sense, Gibbonsis a very masculine poet. His brevity is dueless to his desire to have you pause andadmire his pretty phrases and is due more tohis quiet, wise way of talking. His says whathe needs to say—he makes you understand—andhe says no more. And it works.Most of the poems in ConnemaraMoonshine are anecdotes about life inMontana. They’re full of the depth andbeauty of the Montana wilderness. They tellstories about Gibbons working for a movingcompany, or sneaking into his big sister’sroom to listen to her forty-fives, or his bigbrother picking on him when they bury theirchildhood dog, or hanging out at his friend’soutdoor wedding reception, watching an owlattack and eat a gopher. Through these

poems, we get to visit Gibbons tough-ass AuntErnie and hang out with old-timers who say anddo wise things. They don’t teach us lessons somuch as they give is different eyes throughwhich to look at the world. Reading throughthese poems, I not only got a sense of howGibbons sees the world, but also how he came tosee the world that way, who his influences are,what he’s seen, what he’s done. It’s an impressivecollection.It’s also a strange collection to review inRazorcake because it’s got nothing to do withpunk rock. In fact, from the few allusions tomusic that Gibbons makes, I can tell that he andI would have to ride in the truck with the radioturned off. Still, I’ve also heard that Gibbons isa DIY kinda guy. According to the guys whopassed this book on to me, Gibbons made aname for himself by self-publishing his poemsin chapbooks and doing readings, selling hisstuff to independent bookstores, and basicallytravelling around Montana, spreading his words.On top of that, Connemara Moonshine is thefirst book from a promising independent bookpublisher out of Seattle, Camphorweed Press.So, yeah, again, I do try to stay away from poetry,but Connemara Moonshine really opened myeyes, reaffirmed some faith in the art form forme, and was a damn good read. –Sean Carswell(Camphorweed Press, PO Box 2326, Seattle,WA 98111)Critical Mass:Bicycling’s Defiant Celebrationedited by Chris Carlson, 256 pgs.Let me start by explaining something aboutcriticism. When something is important to you,and you know much and care even more aboutit, you have a lot more to point out when somethingrefers to it than if it is something you knowlittle about. For an example, one friend who isonly into punk and hardcore thought that 24Hour Party People was a decent film about theManchester music scene, whereas my roommatewho liked all the bands involved picked it apartfor three hours after viewing it. One also findsmore to pick apart in a good, complex argument.When I was in art school, teachers ripped apartan amazingly talented guy named Chris fordetails such as having too much brown in hispaintings, while they glossed over lesser artistswith “that’s nice.” It is easier to point out theflaws in something good than something bad.That said, this is a good book, I dare say animportant book. But it is not the book it couldhave been, nor the book I would have liked it tobe. With any anarchist – or, to shy away from aloaded term – or hierarchical group or movement,those who organize, create, or edit somethingthat attempts to showcase the group try notto do too much talking on behalf of anyone butthemselves. Thereby, it is clear Chris isn’t writinga book – he is editing one. I, for one, think Iwould have liked to see him write more. Thisreviewer has ridden in a few critical masses in afew cities, so I am a bit immersed in the culturediscussed, but it seems to me that someone lessfamiliar first hand might appreciate a bit more inan introduction. As it is, much of the content wasculled from existing material – articles, editorials,essays, flyers given out at actual masses,CM online group posts – all originally publishedin a certain context. It makes me wonder whothis book is for; much of it references topics thatcritical mass riders are well-versed in, and I amnot sure if it is an introduction so much as anunguided immersion for a novice.Another issue with the disjointed collectionof articles is that many of them are written bypeople who never expected to have their articlesrun side by side with other articles. The samepoints are made again and again. This mayshock the reader to hear, but those of us who ridebikes consider ourselves to be smarter, healthier,happier and more environmentally friendly thanthose who drive cars (as if these are mutuallyexclusive – although the book is very pro-Nikeas opposed to anti-car) and boy, do we ever liketo tell people about it!I think my biggest problem with this book isthe focus on San Francisco. By no means is itexclusively about San Fran’s mass. It refers tomasses all over the country and in several othermajor cities throughout the world. And indeed,San Fran is the home of one of the most amazingmonthly bike rides. But it seems to walk thefence between wanting to be about Critical Massas a concept, which would discuss ‘Frisco a bitmore than any other city, and wanting to be solelyabout San Fran. Perhaps a book that almostexclusively was about one city could haveplunged into greater detail and be more focused,allowing the reader to see one city as an exampleof what another could do, instead this comesacross as a San Francisco-oriented book that ismindful that maybe it should have representationof others. It reminds me of how my highschool yearbook committee had lots of picturesof their friends, but not so many that anyonecomplained about it.Anyway, if you want to hunt me down andbuy me a beer, I can complain about this bookmore, but all nitpicking aside, this is a goodbook all in all. It’s one of those weird books thatcan be enjoyed as it is by bike punks, activistsand people who just like bikes; a gift to thosewho love but are confused by the aforementioned;and likely will wind up required readingit in college classes with “far-out” professors.–Rich Mackin (AK Press, 674 A 23 rd St.,Oakland, CA 94612-1163)Get Your War On,by David Rees, about 11 pgs. of Voltron-themedcomics, about 89 non.Two days after the US started bombingAfghanistan, David Rees began posting hiscomics on the web. There’s two main charactersand about ten other characters who pop in andout (one being fucking VOLTRON!!!) Thewhole idea is inter-office commentary about thesituation going on in Afghanistan, and Americanforeign policy in general. Not your cup of tea,you say? Too political? You like some funnywith your cartoons? Here you go, bucko! I don’tknow how many times this has been quotedaround Razorcake HQ by Sean, Todd, andmyself. Even as I started writing this, I ended upreading a good fifteen pages (there’s only onestrip per page, usually about three panels) outloud to Todd, both of us laughing our asses off.Here’s a little taste: “…it turns the relief effortinto a fun game for the Afghan people – a gamecalled ‘See if you have any fucking arms left toeat the food we dropped after you step on a landminetrying to retrieve it!’” C’mon, you gottachuckle. This one keeps me in stitches –Woman: “Say, did you hear about the ‘KillingandTorture- and Raping- Spree Party’ thatExxon Mobil is hosting in Indonesia? It’s rapea-rific!”Man: “Aaarghh! And here I am stuck atmy office’s stupid summer pot luck! It’s tortureI tell you! Well, OK, not actual torture – at least,not like getting tortured, and then raped, andthen killed. But the potato salad does seriouslysuck.” As of December, Soft Skull Press was outof stock and I finally tracked down a copy afterabout seven stores had sold out. It’s worth theeffort. Without a doubt, funny, funny stuff here.Super-highly recommended. –Megan Pants(Soft Skull Press, 71 Bond St., Brooklyn, NY11217)Guinea Pig Zero,edited by Robert Helms, 245 pgs.Guinea Pig Zero really took me by surprise.It’s a collection of essays and stories abouthuman research subjects, and it covers theirexperiences selling themselves for medicalresearch studies. Generally, when you think ofsomeone selling himself to science, you think ofguys spending two hours in a plasma clinic sothey can earn fifteen bucks to get drunk on, orsomething like that. Editor Robert Helms doeseverything he can to dispel that stereotype. Hewrites a series of essays that detail his own experienceas a human guinea pig, and in his essays,he comes across as an articulate, thoughtful guywho’s basically selling his meat both so that hewon’t have to work a full time job and so that hecan help doctors heal people.The book begins with a series of “reportcards,” in which he evaluates different researchfacilities, and how well they treat their guineapigs. It’s a strange way to start the book becausemost readers may feel like, if they have no intentionof becoming a guinea pig themselves, thereport cards will do them no good. Actually, thereport cards paint a vivid picture of the insidelife of a guinea pig. You get to understand what

they do and how they do it, what the ups anddowns of this way of life are. From there, thebook moves on to several different stories fromthe inside of research units. All of these storiesaren’t written by Helms. He gets help from variouscontributors, who also tend to come acrossas articulate and thoughtful. Even so, I foundmyself looking forward most to Helms’s stories– mostly because he initially establishes the toneand the feel of the book, and other stories tend todeviate from that. Regardless, these stories fromthe inside make up the first third of the book.From there, Helms moves on to discussingguinea pigs in history. He writes an excellentessay on Guernica and how different battles inWorld War II were little more than deadly warfareexperiments on human subjects. He alsowrites an incredibly interesting essay about aman named Alexis St. Martin, a nineteenth centuryfur trapper who was accidentally shot.Following the shooting, a nearby doctor savedSt. Martin’s life, but wasn’t able to sew up asmall part of St. Martin’s stomach. The doctorremedied this stomach hole by essentiallyputting a cork in it, then continuing to use thehole in St. Martin’s stomach to perform experimentson his digestive system. After some time,it became clear that the stomach hole could besewn up, but the doctor chose not to heal St.Martin, and instead used him as a lifelongguinea pig. And the histories continue. There’san excellent essay by a woman named BethLavoie on how the US military used US soldiersas guinea pigs in the Gulf War, essentially injectingthem with a variety of toxins that later led toGulf War Syndrome. There’s also a sad but wellwritten essay by a man named Paul Gelsinger, inwhich Gelsinger tells the story of how his son’slife was taken by negligent research doctors. Thebook wraps up with some fiction and poetry byand about guinea pigs. The best part of this sectionis a creative non-fiction piece by Helms inwhich he discusses his time hanging out withlepers in India.On the whole, Guinea Pig Zero does go along way to dispel the stereotypes about humanresearch subjects. It gives insight into a worldthat I otherwise would know little about. And,though the various essays in this book tacklesome pretty heavy subjects, the writers maintaina down-to-earth tone. They really go out of theirway to explain the things that a stranger to theworld of medical studies wouldn’t understand orknow about. They tend to write in a very simplematter, but discuss things that are anything butsimple. I really recommend this book. –SeanCarswell (Garrett County Press, 828 Royal St.#248, New Orleans, LA 70116)Jumping the Line: the Adventures andMisadventures of an American Radicalby William Herrick, 279 pages.I was really interested in this book beforeactually starting to read it. Then I started and ittook me forever to get into it. It’s a memoir, agenre I always have a hard time getting into. Ikept reading since I’d promised to review it andthen WHAM! I was hooked. Not only was Ireading it all of the time, but if I didn’t happento have it in my hands at that moment, I was usuallytalking about it. What it comes down to isthat William Herrick just has a pretty amazingstory to tell.He was born a Jewish communist inTrenton, New Jersey in 1915. He was versed inParty politics from infancy, so much that he washanding out leaflets at Trenton’s largest factory,yelling, “Long live the Revolution!” by ageeight. Herrick’s family moved into theCommunist Coop in New York after his father’sdeath, where he went to meetings, jumped intopicket lines (not always even knowing the reasonfor the picket) and befriended Natie, whostrongly influenced his views for most ofHerrick’s life.Together, Natie and Herrick see tensionsbetween the Party and other groups in the neighborhood:the Lovestoneites, Yiddishists, andSocialists for starts. Natie’s parents wereLovestoneists, along with the rest of the party,but when Stalin demanded that Browder be seenas the new leader, Lovestone’s followers wereostracized. Natie should’ve become William’snemesis, but they remained close friends andwere constantly arguing over the other’s positionon various political topics. William held the“Because the Party says so” attitude whereasNatie used events and outcomes to prove that theParty wasn’t always right or doing what theypromised. Here began William’s doubt in thePartyHe continues his life following the Partyline, but also pursuing his own path. Spendingtime with his father’s anarchist sister, TanteGolda, and her family led to him moving toMichigan at the height of the Great Depressionto live and work on Sunrise Farm, a communefounded by anarchists. Spending time with themalso led to him fondly remembering sitting onEmma Goldman’s lap in New Jersey, during thetime when she was supposedly in Canada, notbeing allowed back in the States after her deportation.It doesn’t take long to see that Sunrise Farmis a far cry from Utopia. Many families fromvarying social beliefs moved to the farm as a lasthope after businesses were closing around themat home due to the Depression. Everyone hasdifferent opinions on how the farm should berun, who is doing the most work, or who issleeping with whom. Tensions flare and Williamdecides to leave the farm and hops trains acrossthe county before returning to the farm for thenext harvestEventually, he settles back in New York,which leads him back to the Party and to hisinvolvement in the Spanish Civil War as part ofthe Lincoln Battalion. In Spain he finds morefallacies between Party policy and promise andactual actions taken and enforced. He becomesaware of blatant Party lies against other membersof the rebellion against the fascists. Hebecomes interested in how other parties, predominantlythe POUM (the Workers Party ofMarxist Unification), view the war. He becomesincreasingly uneasy with the Party as his battalionis constantly compared to the Americanforces of 1917 who saved Spain from the“Huns.” (Lenin had been extremely vocal in hisopposition of the imperialist war.)He returns to America with a bullet stilllodged in his neck against his spinal cord andlots of unanswered questions. The Party is coveringhis medical costs and he has a job with theFur Traders Union. He becomes a posterboy ofdedication until he loses his job when his anti-Stalin views are brought to light. In response, hefalls into the same form of protest he aided theParty in for most of his life. He “jumps the line”and pickets.Herrick doesn’t leave many details out in theinterest of maintaing the truth rather thanupholding an image – his or otherwise. Hewrites of the fondness he had for sitting on certainwomen’s laps. One of those laps belonged toEmma Goldman, who was supposedly no longerallowed in the U.S. since her deportation.Herrick shows a side of Cole Porter that I’dnever heard of. (That of a pectoral-pinching oldman.) Herrick works with black share croppersin the South, attempting to get them to unionize.The FBI call on him three times to testify duringthe McCarthy-driven Red Scare. He works for aman who he considers to be both a four-year oldand a genius, Orson Welles.On the whole, this is an extremely well-writtenand engaging book. What saves this frombeing solely a book about someone searching forhis own beliefs in life is the stories that he has totell along the way. It’s always interesting to seehistory as it only can been seen, through one person’seyes at a time. His commitment to detail inhis storytelling has left me with the desire toseek out his novels for more of the same.–Megan Pants (AK Press, 674 A 23 rd St.,Oakland, CA 94612-1163)Orgasms of History:3000 Years of Spontaneous Insurrectionby Yves Fremian, Drawings by Valny, 248 pgs.The back cover of Orgasms of History says,“Every now and then, they explode. Riots, uprisings,revolutions, new and bizarre social groupsspring up seemingly from nowhere. Our standardhistories tend to treat these as oddities, iftreated at all, or as misguided responses to hardtimes, limited by lack of responsible leadership.Here’s an illustrated people’s history to puncturethat balloon.” French writer Yves Fremian presentsover twenty-five rebellions, revolts, andnontraditional philosophers. From the Greekcynics to the San Francisco Diggers, Fremiangives a few pages to each. He attempts to connectthem all with a general anarchist outlook.He makes statements like, “Between feudalismand bureaucracy, between capitalism and privatewestern imperialism and the State capitalismand imperialism of the ‘socialist’ countries, thereare few, if any, essential differences.” Most historians,and myself, disagree. Although there arecertainly some broad statements that could bemade, such as “Power corrupts,” that are relativelytrue throughout history, there is a hugedifference between feudalism and capitalism.The demands of English peasants in the thirteenthcentury are not identical with those of theAmerican working class in the 19th century.Unfortunately, Fremian seems intent onover-simplifying. He ignores a lot of negativeaspects to the rebellions he writes about andcalls a number of events and people “anarchist”before the term was commonly used. Fremiandoes pick some interesting events and history. Anovice might want to pick this up to get someideas about historical events he or she mightwant to read more about. Of course, it is clearlynot Fremian’s intent to provide a comprehensivehistory. And he does do a pretty good job ofdelivering the basics. In the introduction, hesays, “A book is no substitute for a gun.” I guessus non-gun-toting revolutionaries are screwed.Oh well. -Maddy (AK Press, PO Box 40682, SF,CA 9410-0682)You Can’t Winby Jack Black, 279 pgs.No, it’s not an autobiography of the chubbydude with shaggy hair in the 103

movies. You Can’t Win is neck-and-neck withBoxcar Bertha (see last issue), in fact, readingthem in tandem gives the reader an extremelylucid view of the turn of the century in Americafrom the bottom of the barrel, this book fromthe perspective of a lifetime thief. In its time,this book was a best seller, going through fiveprintings in the 1920s, and much like NelsonAlgren’s Walk on the Wild Side that was wildlysuccessful and in turn virtually forgottendecades later, there’s a real humanity and a concerneddepth of character to the people in thestory. Jack Black’s no one “important” – heisn’t the owner of a railroad, a doctor, a senator,or a general – but his story, of coming from abroken home, being “raised” by his father, andhis slow, meandering lifelong induction andinvolvement in both the hobo and yegg (criminal)lifestyles, is tinged with timeless qualitiesthat make the book extremely relevant and topical,especially today. When I read this book, Icouldn’t help but think of folks like HowardZinn and Studs Turkel – historians who understandthe importance of letting the “little” peoplespeak in their own voices and air their concerns.You Can’t Win is a great look at the insideof a loose criminal organization and a closeexamination of one professional thief’s code ofethics that conscientiously isn’t full of hyperbole.The book reads in a very even tone, whichis surprising since it’s rich in experiences thatcould easily be morphed into a movie with lotsof explosions and intrigue. Thankfully, it readshonestly. There’s no doubt that Jack did wrongthings – like stealing a (fake) ruby, breakingopen a copious number of safes, and oftencreeping into people’s rooms (once a championboxer) at night when they slept. He self-admitsthat, but he did these illegal actions in a waythat was consistent for him, a man who becameincapable of taking a straight job. Ethics? Can athief have ethics? Yes. Jack explains: “The thiefwho goes out and steals money to pay backroom rent rather than swindling his poor landladyhas character. The one who runs awaywithout paying her has no character.”For this review, I’m going to hold JackBlack to a higher standard than what’s cloggingup the book charts. Instead, I’ll consult a highersource – the Dwarves’ classic album: Blood,Guts, and Pussy. Let’s take a lookBlood: There’s a lot of blood. Lots of folksget shot and killed. Occasional chunks of skullfly from close-range shotgun blasts. In oneinstance, a fellow train hopper and Jack get intoa boxcar filled with lumber. When the train hita downgrade, the lumber shifted: “The boy haddied instantly. His body, from the waist up, wasflattened between the lumber and the front endof the car.” Jack was imprisoned from above bythe lumber, and cut his way out of the boxcarwith a pocketknife. This is much more engagingthan reading about people stuck in cubicles,having conversations in a mall, or complainingthat there’s a downside to fame.Guts: There’s no question that Jack wasbrave, but later on in life, his digressionsagainst the state began accumulating and he hadto suffer longer prison sentences and severebeatings. Roughly, the last third of the book is alook into the prison system (which hasn’tchanged all that much in eighty years, truth betold) and details a whipping when he’s tied andstretched up on a tripod and beaten with aleather strap: “The first blow was like a bolt oflightning; it shocked and burned.”Pussy: I have to credit co-Razorcake dudeSean for bringing this up. This book is, oddly,virtually devoid of sex. Sure, there are prostituteslurking about, but not once – to my recollection– does Jack size up a woman, invite awoman to spend an evening with him, nor commenton a woman’s shape. I even thought aboutthe possibility that Jack was gay, but, being inprison, he would have ample time to pursuemale tail in the joint. First-hand sex neverreaches these pages. I’m still wondering why.Was Jack asexual or was it a publishing decisionnot to go against the mores of the times?So, in place of pussy, Jack Black delivers withdrugs, which he slowly became addicted to. Heclaims “I discovered that the finest quality ofmorphine may be obtained from lettuce andproved it in the prison garden by extracting itand eating it.” This, I did not know.All in all, if I were to become the Czar ofReading and there were required texts you hadto read before being let out into society at large,You Can’t Win would definitely be in the tophundred. Not only is it well-written and easy toread, it’s got the weight of a man’s heart in itand the power of eighty years lapsing to showthat history may have happened in the past, andthere’s a lot to learn from it, but due to thethemes that Jack presses that haven’t beenresolved, history sure as hell isn’t over. –Todd(AK Press, PO Box 40682, SF, CA9410-0682)