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46 What Happens After Death? Steps in Dealing With Grief47Steps in DealingWith Griefod, in His great love for us, has revealed answers to some of theGgreatest questions we face: What is life? What is death? Whathappens after death? We can find great comfort in the knowledgethat God has a plan for all of mankind and that death is atemporary separation. We will be reunited with our loved ones through theresurrections God has promised.Ultimately this understanding can help us better cope with a loss causedby death. Yet we cannot deny or diminish the feeling of loss created bydeath. We still sorrow and grieve. How can we deal with our grief? Andhow can we encourage others who are grieving?Grief is a deeply personal and traumatic experience. In dealing withgrief, you may find it helpful to understand the grieving process. Writerson the subject have identified several stages of grief, including denial,anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. (For example, see Dr.Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model in On Death and Dying, 1969.)We will briefly examine each stage to help you understand griefand be prepared to deal with death. But bear in mind that a person inmourning may not experience these stages sequentially. No timetablefor working one’s way through grief exists. Someone may feel severalof the stages described here but not others. Another may experience variousstages simultaneously. And having already gone through a certainstage doesn’t mean one can’t return to it. Each person’s experience canbe different.Stages of grief: denialWhen one experiences denial, his physical responses might includesweating, faintness, nausea or a racing heart, just as with any other victimof shock. The mind and emotions become overwhelmed. Some simplymay not be able to deal with the reality of death.Some withdraw from the world around them. Others may feel as thoughthey must be having a bad dream and that they’ll soon awaken from it.Perhaps this is God’s way of providing us a protective buffer. It’s duringthis time that we can begin to sort out and process our feelings at our ownpace and comfort level.Several important principles should be considered at this stage of theDesignpicsgrieving process. First, it helps to talk about one’s thoughts and feelings.Those who are grieving have been deeply hurt by their loss. They needthe opportunity to heal, to be taken care of. They can enable peoplearound them to be of assistance by letting those who want to help knowwhat they are experiencing.You can help by encouragingthem to talk openlyabout their grief, to talkabout the circumstancessurrounding the death oftheir loved one.Encourage them toshare the relationship theyenjoyed with their lovedone, what it was that madeNo matter how deep the sorrow of those who are grieving,let them know that they are not alone, that others will dowhat they can to help share the load if given the opportunity.that person different, why they loved him or her. To cope with their grief,they should feel free to talk from the heart, to share their feelings regardingthe loss they’ve suffered and the loneliness they are enduring.At distressing times like these, the support of friends and loving familyis invaluable. “A friend loves at all times” and “there is a friend who stickscloser than a brother” (Proverbs 17:17; 18:24). The day will come whenthey will be happy to do the same for you. No matter how deep their sorrow,let them know that they are not alone, that others will do what theycan to help share the load if given the opportunity.At such a time those who are grieving often lose sight of the need totake care of themselves physically. Caring for their health and well-beingis often the last thing on their minds. Help them to realize that they areimportant, that their lives are valuable.During times of grief it is easy to grow emotionally and physicallydepleted. Those who have suffered loss need to watch their diet, avoid fastfood and eat well-balanced and nutritious meals.Exercise, another must, is good for relieving stress buildup and discharginganger and frustration. It helps the appetite and promotes bettersleep. Exercise can be as simple as a 30-minute walk several times a week.Rest is yet another way to take care of one’s body. Grief is exhausting.Going without rest only compounds the difficulty.
48 What Happens After Death? Steps in Dealing With Grief49Stages of grief: angerOnce denial begins to wear off, our natural tendency is to want toblame somebody—anybody—for our lossand pain. This anger may not be rational.We might find ourselves angry with thedeceased, even if the person died throughno fault of his or her own, because ofwhat the loss is doing to us. We may beangry because of the timing of the death.When we are grieving, anger might bevented toward authority figures—the doctor,the hospital staff, family members oreven God. We may wonder why God didnot intervene in the situation to preventthe death. This anger may also lead tofeelings of guilt.Anger is a powerful emotion. It canlead to negative behavior or be harnessedWe should remember the positive aspects of the life weshared with our loved one. Memories are golden. We willforever carry with us times spent together and enjoyed withthe one we have lost.for our own benefit. Remember that God says, “Be angry, and yet do notsin” (Ephesians 4:26, NASB). We can take the energy our anger generatesand channel it into positive action. For example, we can do those oddjobs around the house we’ve been putting off. Taking up a new hobby orperhaps continuing our education by enrolling in some evening classes canhelp us positively channel our emotions. An outstanding way to displaceanger is to be of service to others. Helping others will ease their burdensand lighten our emotional load during our grieving.Stages of grief: bargainingIn the bargaining stage some want to play let’s make a deal with God.They imagine that if they promise to do this or that, God will return thingsto the way they used to be. At this point, those grieving often begin theirpursuit of understanding the death of their loved one. This is a normal partof the healing process. They come to realize that there is no bargainingwith death. It is only through acceptance of the facts that the reality ofDesignpicsdeath can be turned into hope and positive action.In their pursuit of understanding, those who have suffered loss shouldnot leave out the source of information that has the answers to the questionsthey ask regarding death—God’s Word, the Bible.As is emphasized throughout this publication, God has a plan. You andall of your loved ones are very much a part of it. God doesn’t want anyoneto be overcome with sorrow and be without hope. With this in mind,remember that the apostle Peter said to submit to God, “casting all yourcare upon Him, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).Stages of grief: depressionReality eventually sets in. We are confronted with the necessity to goon with life without the one we have loved. It is easy to begin to plagueourselves with the thoughts of what should have or could have been.For many, this can be the most difficult stage to go through. Signs ofdepression include a feeling of melancholy, unconcern about the outside worldor a loss of interest in eating and sleeping. Feelings of guilt, helplessness,hopelessness and worthlessness are common.During this stage we should remember the positive aspects of the lifewe shared with our loved one. Memories are golden. We will forever carryHow Can We HelpThose Who Are Grieving?There are practical ways we can helpfriends and loved ones who are grieving.Here are a few:• Listen carefully. A heavy burden lies onthe hearts and minds of those who are grieving.They need to know that they can grievewithout being criticized or judged by anyone,especially someone with whom they sharetheir deepest thoughts. We shouldn’t worryabout what we will say or about having to saysomething profound. That isn’t what is neededby those who are grieving.• Show compassion. We show our compassionfor others by recognizing their sufferingand desiring to relieve them of it. Wecan be compassionate people by helpingthem with the tasks at hand. How do weknow what to do? We can simply ask. Wemight help notify family and friends of thedeath. We might prepare the home to receivethe many visitors who may arrive. We couldorganize the collection of food that others willbring. We might ask if we could watch thechildren for the family to give parents sometime to themselves. We can help in everyday,practical ways.• Stay close after the funeral. Afterthe funeral we should not immediately forgetabout those grieving. They will have a greatdeal of support in the hours and days immediatelyafter the death of their loved one, butwill anyone be there to listen and be compassionatea week later, a month later, severalmonths later? It’s at times like these, whenwe go back to our routines, that those who aregrieving remember that their loved one isn’t intheir routine any longer. These are the timesthe grieving most need our support.
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